SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Has this happened to you? "Your H is perfect"
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Hey everyone, have you been told by a friend who does not know about the A that your H is perfect? I know, right.

We were out with our visiting company two night ago and my H is playing the guitar/singing with the band. My friend looks at me and says, "Do you know how lucky you are? Really. H is such a GOOD GUY!" Then later she told him he was "perfect". We both just laughed it off and he finished by saying how he lucky he was to have me.

Grant it. I know he is charming, kind and he is also playing the guitar. He was also being very attentive to me. This adds to his overall appeal. Her H was talking with some women he just met across the table from her.

Anyway, later in bed he told me that he knows that must hurt me to hear that and said "We both know the real story, LA. If people only knew."

Have you experienced this? I am totally fine today but when it happens I just smile and bite my tongue.

Tongue is going to look pretty chewed up at some point!

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 11:10 AM, July 5th (Friday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Yep. Happens all the time.

Once, just once, (and never again I might add), while in a rather bitter mood, I responded to one of those comments, with a deranged smile and a freakish, sing-songy rapid fire response of, "seriously? SERIOUSLY? So he has you fooled too?!!!!? Things are not always as they seem".

Well, I can tell you, that went over like a turd in the punch bowl.

This woman looked at me like I had slapped her, and recoiled in horror!

And I know, I KNOW, she still believes in her heart that he is awesome, and I am a lunatic.

So, lesson learned. Now, I just smile sweetly and agree.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 11:19 AM, July 5th (Friday)]


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7092 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Flatlined
Member
Member # 27637
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 5th (Friday)

LA, perhaps my cynicism is misplaced but I just want to say BEWARE of a *friend* who thinks your H is "perfect". Be very AWARE.


Me BW
Him FWH [Dr.NewMan]
Married 23 y/4 children In R
DDay #1 7/20/09 DDay #2 7/28/09 (2 As,both with *PSEUDO*friends)

Had him first. Have him last. Just wish I could have had him ONLY.


Posts: 509 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: South
njgal480
Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 5th (Friday)

This happens to me all the time.

Especially, since d-day when my FWH is really doing everything that he can to make amends to me.

Ironically, even friends that know about the LTA say this now because he really is being the perfect husband.

What I now know is that you should never be envious of anyone.
All that stuff on FB?

Don't believe it.

There is often another story of their life but they are not presenting that on FB.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
CatchyUsername
Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Yep, get this too. Similarly last night someone said "Is WS always right?" and he normally would soak it up but he looked them squarely in the eye and said "no, sometimes I am very wrong, sometimes for months" and squeezed my hand.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
HurtButHoping12
Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, July 5th (Friday)

YES. Even people who know about the affair, at one point blamed it on me because WH seems so perfect in public


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 5th (Friday)

All. The. Time.

Before the A, FWH was a great partner. Once we were in R, he has been a great partner. To the outside world, at least among the majority who doesn''t know, I''m sure he seems perfect. Thing is, I never wanted perfect. I wanted real, committed, honest, and making a strong effort.

I think people who say this have no real concept of how unattainable "perfect" is, and why it is dangerous.

I think if the "perfect" WS can acknowledge this, that is very encouraging, LA!


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1742 | Registered: Nov 2010
anemie
Member
Member # 37543
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 5th (Friday)

All the time. My family constantly reminds me how wonderful my WH is, my friends remind me and people we barely know say it. But I have started looking at it in the perspective, all of the cheating was before we were married, and he has made a great turnaround, I always say he was a horrible, awful, selfish asshole of a boyfriend but he has become a wonderful loving husband. Yes it still hurts to hear it sometimes but I have become more immune to it over time.


D-Day October 18th, 2012 D-Day2 October 5th 2013
4 kids 12,11,7, 1 and one sweet little newborn

Posts: 112 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: MA
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, July 5th (Friday)

yes, i get this too...people think he is so great, and so handsome.

even his family is like that..and many of them know what happend...they still think he is great.

but you know what? i am SO HAPPY that i now know the truth about him. i am glad i am not one of those people being duped anymore.

[This message edited by sri624 at 1:52 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 975 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
shatteredheart7
Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I know exactly what your talking about. My in laws know the truth of what he did, but he is perfect and it is all my fault. They treat me like dirt under their feet. I also agree, beware of a friend who thinks he is perfect! I warned my H for yrs about the OW before the A started. I could tell by the way she talked to me about him and her body language when she talked to him that given the opportunity she would pounce. And I was right!


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
Daisy312
Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Omg! I get that a lot! Especially now because he is trying so hard to be supportive, attentive, loving, etc... His mom thinks he s just amazing bc when she's over he's cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids. Sometimes I just want to scream!

Posts: 278 | Registered: Sep 2012
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Yep I get this. What a great Sargeant Major in the Army he is, what a great guy. A couple people who know, when they were told, couldn't believe he did what he did. Neither could I honestly.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I've gotten similar comments about my WW, who often seems to be a superwoman - good wife, mother, cook, PTA volunteer / fundraiser, active in our church, assistant in my office, etc. She was also an unfaithful wife for 10 months beginning in April 2012, but not many know about that.

I'm guessing your husband, like my wife, really IS a good person in so many ways. Your bio indicates that he's a keeper and you are working hard at R. Same for me. So I guess in many ways we are to be envied for having a marriage that is worth fighting for, even under the worst of circumstances.

But perfect? Uhh, no. Far from it. That's a word that shouldn't be used to describe human beings, anyway.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Stillhurt123
Member
Member # 35216
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Yep, my FWH really is pretty amazing NOW...we recently moved to a new place, so they never saw the lazy, party animal, non attentive H that was there before...

Now they see a man who holds his wife's hand. Who playes ball hockey in the street with the kids, who picks the kids up from school every night and cooks dinner. All things that are new since we started true R.

Usually when the women say, you're so lucky, your H does X...I look at them and say, luck had nothing to do with it, it took us a lot of work to get here. Usually that go to line really makes us all feel better


Married for 10 yrs, together 15
Me, BW - 37
Him, fWH- 40
3 kids
D-Day; Dec 13, 2011, TT and lies and lies and lies and lies
Back in R

Posts: 403 | Registered: Apr 2012
starmoonchild
Member
Member # 39117
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 5th (Friday)

OMG yes, almost exactly the same words from a good friend...and yes, my tongue was hurting that night! Never believe what you see. He is perfect to so many, and once was to me too...but never again.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
ms521
Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Oh yes. ALL the time. In fact, I recently revealed to a close girlfriend that I actually (contrary to how it might appear) do have a fairly solid "jealous" streak when it comes to WH. She was stunned that I was the "jealous type," and went on to gush that WH and I are a "perfect couple!" What's more, she's seen "the way" he looks at me and anyone "with eyes" just knows WH would NEVER ever cheat on me...

I almost choked on my wine!


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
thecosmogirl
Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, July 5th (Friday)

So glad I'm not alone!!
Tons of people think he is the best thing since sliced bread.
Although someone told him he was a lucky guy to have me this morning and he said "Yes I am!!! VERY lucky!"


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 167 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Anyone who fawns over another person and describes that person as 'perfect' is missing more than a few screws. Seriously, ignore them.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20278 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
guiltfilled11
New Member
Member # 35713
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

As the FWH I don't even like hearing that. But we have heard it. Don't get me wrong, it helps me validate that I've made changes and I am improving on myself because I never would have heard it before. But, it acts almost as a trigger for me because I run all the things through my head about how NOT perfect I actually am. Not to mention how I know it makes her feel.


Me - WH - 30 (Stupid selfish husband)
BS - 27
3 Amazing Children
D-day - 7/6/11
R begins - 8/29/11

Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2012 | From: guiltfilled11
watchtheskyy
Member
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

I'm with flat lined on this....I no longer trust anyone who thinks my WH is a "great guy" or "perfect" and I'd really question someone who pointed it twice. MOW in my case was a friend though and that's how it all started, she saw a good guy who seemed a step above what she had at home. Unfortunately appearances don't make a strong marriage. When I hear it now, I feel like a jerk for the things that run through my head but usually smile and agree.

I responded to one of those comments, with a deranged smile and a freakish, sing-songy rapid fire response of, "seriously? SERIOUSLY? So he has you fooled too?!!!!? Things are not always as they seem".

Oh my gosh, Pain! This made me laugh! It only takes one time of getting it wrong doesn't it?!


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
watchtheskyy
Member
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

Double

[This message edited by watchtheskyy at 9:28 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

I posted something similar recently. It makes me SICK. I actually had a coworker who was also a good friend meet us out once with her SO, and she commented later that he clearly adored me. Months later he signed up on AFF. Wow, I feel so adored. Everyone thinks mr triple is just the salt of the earth, but I know he's a poser. He has everyone snowed.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

I had to respond. One day my sister, who knows nothing of my long, sordid story, said, "you have a fairy tale marriage!" I said, "yes, I'm married to Goofy!"



Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3648 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Omg scaredyKat, that is funny! I will have to remember that

I am always surprised what post resonates with people. Clearly people can relate to this one!

Sal: you are right. I do think my spouse is overall a good person and this is what people see PLUS the new addition of him clearly adoring me. And let's face it. They are projecting their own story on what they see with us. I did notice about this friend (who we see every 3-5 years) is that she and her H rarely engaged one another.

Stillhurting...you said it! It is not about getting lucky its "hard work". For sure. Even moreso now, right!

[This message edited by LA44 at 9:23 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

Triple "I know he is a poser"
WORD, sister!

"yes, I'm married to Goofy!"
I had to laugh out loud...That is hilarious Kat!!

What DO you say to folks that just gush over the WH?

Mr. Happy even before his stupid A was always referred to as "Such a Nice Guy", *sigh*

A woman saw us a party, that we have known since we were dating actually cried because we were still together after all these years... UGH!!

I could not really say:
"Well he had a 5.5 year PA with a co-worker. I am still licking my wounds 2 years later...but yes we are still together." Not really. But I must say, it was bubbling right behind my lips.

I am trying to find my way back to the "Nice Guy" I knew. Hopefully this will happen before my 'give a shit' breaks!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Deanna
Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, July 6th (Saturday)

OMG! Drives me crazy. I am lucky now but before he was nice to everyone but me!


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

Heaven help me, I just got this again tonight. "oh he's such a great guy! We were all just talking about how much we love him.".


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 7th (Sunday)

Heaven help me, I just got this again tonight. "oh he's such a great guy! We were all just talking about how much we love him.".
I almost lost my shit right there and then. It would take a forklift to pick up the collective jaw drop that would occur when Mr Triple's adventures on AFF were revealed.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
WaryOptimist
Member
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 8th (Monday)

My H's sister was visiting, and at one point sighed deeply and said, "I wish I could have the kind of marriage you two have..." Granted, her H is a total asswipe, and for us it was a good day (our son was graduating from college), but neither one of us said anything, we were too stunned into awkwardness.


Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 36
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 650 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
uniquenewyork
Member
Member # 30811
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 8th (Monday)

My WW is a rather public figure, so whenever we go out, she is recognized by many people. No way to go out with just her and not have someone feel the need to say hello. That, in and of itself, is rather annoying, but I've had complete strangers come up to me and tell me what an awesome person she is, and hot, and blah, blah, blah. I usually nod in agreement and say "yep, that's why I married her". There have been times where I really wanted to say "you want her?"

heck, I've even had one of her friends tell me what a lucky guy I am, even though she knew about the affair while it was going on and even encouraged it.


Me(BS): 45/Her(WS): 45
S:12,D:9,D:7
Affair with OM#1 before we were married.
Couple day fling w/ OM#2
Me as a WS: late '07-early '08.
EA/PA with OM#3: 2/16/09 (many D-days after, broken NC.)
EA/PA with OM#4: Found September '10; PA

Posts: 199 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
Topic Posts: 30