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User Topic: help so depressed and crying
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

8 months out, sort of, we just started to try in late December, so really only 6 months. He left me for her.

Yesterday and today I can barely move, today cannot stop crying.

He is not very good a remorse or soothing. Minimizes and blames.

This morning I had a total meltdown, crying very hard.

He left me a voicemail that he was going to find a way to help me.

today he came home briefly, saw me still sad, depressed. said that if I don't get better he will have to leave because he is cause of my pain and I am not getting better. Says he cannot reach me and it is up to me to be happy.

I feel crazy. I do what I must, go to work, clean, try to make plans to be with people but that is hard as I work weekends and seems opposite froom everyone else.

I just hurt, everyday, it just hurts. I feel depressed, no joy. It hurts even when I feel happy. Is this abnormal? Does anyone else feel so broken down by this? Am I taking too long to recover?

I keep thinking that if he would give the comfort I need this pain would lessen. Maybe I am wrong,


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

There is just so much pain inside me. I remember what it was like when he left, how devastated I was, just being alone in my house is a trigger. The nights I was so scared in so much pain. I just cant get past being replaced, even though, he came back, he chose her over me, she was more important


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Pudding
Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Just want to let you know that you have been heard.

Not sure what can suggest,other than that6 months but is not that long so really. If he is really prepared to work on helping you, it will get better, but he has to work at it. You will get through it, even though it doesn't feel like that now.

As everyone says, make sure you eat and drink enough and get enough fresh air and force yourself to go for a walk or do something physical every day. Take things in little steps one our at a time if need be.

Try to think of one new good thing each hour, even if it is very small. Maybe its nothing to do with him, but is something that makes your life good. Eventually, you will think of some good things about your WS and once you start feeling a little more positive, provided he is making the effort, things will get better.

When you are up to it, get him to read How to Help our Spouse Heal from your affair. It's short but spot on.

He has to make you feel loved and valued again. He has to show remorse and he has to answer all the questions yo want answered. He also needs to go into NC with OW. If he starts to do this, things will get better but it will take a very long time.

I found keeping a mood diary very helpful. Every day I write down how I have been feeling in the day. Te ups and the downs, what things made me better what made me worse etc. When I am I a down day, I look back at what. Wrote on the good days and that helps me see that there is possibly a way through all this. Over time, the bad days will get fewer and more spaced out. Yo can rant and rave as much as you like to an inanimate diary. After a while, eg my FWH read the diary. It really socked him, but it helped him see what things triggered me and then he could see why I was upset when etc.

I hope you feel better soon. I had a dreadful week last week, but am much better this week. We will all keep having triggers and it does take time.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

First, (((((HUGS)))))

Second:

I keep thinking that if he would give the comfort I need this pain would lessen.

Maybe, but sadly, it looks like he isn't going to do it. It's going to have to come from within you. He hasn't got it in him to help you:

He left me a voicemail that he was going to find a way to help me.

today he came home briefly, saw me still sad, depressed. said that if I don't get better he will have to leave because he is cause of my pain and I am not getting better.

I'm sorry, but that's pitiful. He says he's going to find a way to help you. Then he comes home and sees you bleeding on the rug after he stabbed you, and his big solution is that he's going to leave? OK. I'm sorry, I am sure you love him, but you cannot count on him to help you. 180 for your own sanity. Get in counseling, look into getting on medication. You sound so down and depressed, I'm worried for you.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6564 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
soveryweary
Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Cant, you have a sister here in the same predicament as you.
The crying won't stop, can't sleep, eat either. Even though I know that my WH is despicable.
Sending you hugs from me.
Let's keep each other afloat.


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 605 | Registered: May 2011
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Everything Jana said.

(((cantaccept)))

(((soveryweary)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16447 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
unfound
Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

he doesn't get to decide what will and will not help you, and honestly, I think him saying he'll leave unless you get better is manipulative..then to add it's because he's the reason for your pain is a way to make it look like he's doing something good.

I don't buy it.

8 months out. 8 months out with someone you say is not soothing, minimizes and blames. if he wants to help, he could start there.

I am sorry you're hurting . that kind of pain and feeling of not being supported is horrid.. just horrid.

are either of you in any kind of ic? mc?


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14823 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I think him saying he'll leave unless you get better is manipulative..then to add it's because he's the reason for your pain is a way to make it look like he's doing something good.


mmm hmmm - I agree. he's tired of dealing with the fallout.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6564 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

He left me a voicemail that he was going to find a way to help me.

today he came home briefly, saw me still sad, depressed. said that if I don't get better he will have to leave because he is cause of my pain and I am not getting better. Says he cannot reach me and it is up to me to be happy.

Ultimately yes, you are responsible for finding happiness. But he has a major role to play in helping you find that. You can't be happy until you start to feel safe again. Are you in MC with someone who specializes in infidelity? He doesn't sound like he's being remorseful or compassionate about your pain.


.

I feel crazy. I do what I must, go to work, clean, try to make plans to be with people but that is hard as I work weekends and seems opposite froom everyone else
.

Your feelings are absolutely normal for being six months out. It takes a lot of time, as in years, to recover from infidelity.


.

I just hurt, everyday, it just hurts. I feel depressed, no joy. It hurts even when I feel happy. Is this abnormal? Does anyone else feel so broken down by this? Am I taking too long to recover?

Everyone has felt that way. Of course the further you are away from d-day all of that lessens a bit. It all takes time. Are you taking to long to recover? You aren't even in recovery until he begins to help you.


.

I keep thinking that if he would give the comfort I need this pain would lessen. Maybe I am wrong,

You are not wrong.

.

so really only 6 months.

So many of us fell flat on our faces - literally flat on our faces - at six months out. It's really normal, sadly.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
lostworld
Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Oh honey, your post really touched me; the pain, doubt, and fear are palpable. 6 months is so very early, especially with a WS who is minimizing and rugsweeping.

Very gently, he tells you he's going to help, then comes home for a minute to basically tell you that you're just not over it enough, and that he'll selflessly sacrifice himself by exiting the M to save you?? Escapism, rugsweeping, avoidance, blameshifting, "blame the victim" mentality at its finest.

No wonder you are feeling so awful. There is nothing wrong with your healing; it's only been 6 miserable months, spent with a WS who refuses to own his own stuff and really help you through these hopeless days. You are not abnormal is any way that I can see, and you are not wrong is desiring and expecting him to do everything he can to help you.

Given that he is not overly committed to remorse and reconciliation, it's time to really take care of yourself. Turn the focus inward; NOT to find fault or blame within yourself, but rather to detach a bit from him and get the help you need to begin to find your way through this trauma. Get into IC and strengthen yourself. Work on implementing the 180, nurture your body and mind with good self-care.

I just read your second post. Remember his A was never about you; he didn't replace you or pick anyone over you. You didn't exist in that A; something was missing/broken inside him and he took whatever action placated him. The A was just a feel good hit of selfishness--nothing otherworldly, special or unique, or somehow more than you. This is going to take an enormous amount of time, but you will get through this. With work and time, you'll remember your true worth, and you'll find perspective about all of this mess. It's so early, cantaccept. Take care of yourself as that's the only person you're really in control of...and that really is enough. Hugs.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Apr 2008
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Thank you all so much for your support. I have never felt so totally alone. This pain is overwhelming.

I am in IC, would not be able to function without. It helps but does take time. Sometimes like these last 2 days it seems to make the pain worse. Facing things, facing how I allowed him to abuse me for years, verbally, emotionally. How I rationalized and forgave.

I think I am grieving. For my life.

I think that if he were able to truly express his thoughts and feelings about his actions maybe I would feel safer. I cannot assume anything, I thought I knew him and understood him. Now I know I know nothing about him, he is not who I thought, all of my excuses for him were wrong.

I come from an alcoholic home, father, depresses distant mother, dangerous, hurtful, horrific.

I believed h when he treated me like he loved me. First time in my life I felt loved by anyone, appreciated, felt special. to see it was a lie, no one has ever loved me is devastating.

I know, I see, I understand, I must love myself, protect myself, make me happy.

It is not an easy undertaking. It is all so new and confusing. I have never even stopped to consider what makes me happy, all by myself, just for me.

time, time , time

thank you all again so much. It helps to hear I am no too sensitive, too damaged, too wrong.

I think h is just afraid. Afraid to confront who he is and what he is capable of. He keeps telling me he is happy now. So proud of himself, controlling his anger, being nice, no more drinking. Good for him. His heart was not stomped on, he always had the knowledge that I loved him, he was not betrayed, he was not thrown away like a piece of garbage. In addition he had his ego, along with additional parts stroked, by someone new, the high of the new, first kiss, first f##k, why wouldn't he be happy. He lost nothing. Especially if he denies and minimizes my pain, blames it on me.

I almost think he wants me to end it because then he could walk away and at least on the outside, to his family and friends, he could say, "I tried, she just couldn't forgive me"


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
housenotahome
Member
Member # 32423
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

(((CantAccept))) I still cry after 2 years and I'm in R. If my H doesn't like it, tough shit. Your WH can't appreciate your authentic pain and would prefer that you fake happiness and forgiveness so that he can continue to live in an inauthentic way. That is simply not good enough. You need to believe that you deserve better, whether he pulls his head out of his ass and starts doing the work, whether you end up with a new partner, or happily on your own. He keeps checking on you and tells you he will help you while he still prolongs your pain. That is emotional blackmail. The fact that you're still able to function at all is remarkable. You have a strength that you need to keep tapping into. Its there and I can feel it along with your pain. Marc and Angel, google it.


Me BS
Him WS
Married 10 years together 14
DDay Mar.2011
Mistake-Going through a stop sign because you didn't see it.
Poor choice-You saw the stop sign and went through it anyway.

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I think I am grieving. For my life.

Yep, it exactly. Me too.

Screw what he thinks, what his friends and family think. Worry about yourself and yourself only until you feel strong enough to be brutally honest with yourself about even loving him despite all that you just described.

I'm just getting there.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I just hurt, everyday, it just hurts. I feel depressed, no joy. It hurts even when I feel happy. Is this abnormal? Does anyone else feel so broken down by this? Am I taking too long to recover?

I understand your pain (((cantaccept))) I felt like this every time my WH broke NC with MOW. Every time it reaffirmed he was choosing her over me. It wasn't until I really started focusing on myself (yes thank you 180) and not centering my thoughts around him that I got stronger and demanded respect.

At one point I did have to go on AD's, mood stabilizer, and sleeping pills just to get by. I know meds aren't for everyone, but I couldn't pull myself out of it.

Try to just focus on you 100% of the time and if your WH wants to come back and do the work, let him prove it to you, otherwise I would continue with 180.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I do hope you find some peace soon. Even if you have to go for a massage or go to a movie, maybe try to distract yourself as much as possible.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

He just came home again between umpiring games.

You are choosing to stay lost in this world. you are forcing me to make the decision to leave. No one is reaching you, you have to help yourself.

You are severely depressed, not even functioning. you are scaring me. Your pain is scaring me.

I have chosen to be happy why cant you?

My reply, you choose to not try to help me, you have not been betrayed, you have not had your heart broken.

He got in the car and drove away.

It seems the pattern is he gives me a spark of hope one day and tnen takes it away the next. I have to stop believing.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

He also stated that he has to make decisions for his own life. that he needs to be happy.

I hate him!

I am dying of thirst, I need water so desperately. He is holding it, taking sips for himself and keeping it out of my reach.

I wish I felt no love. What is wrong with me to love someone that cares nothing for me. His happiness is more important than repairing the damage that he has inflicted. How can you be that selfish and cold?


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
soveryweary
Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I so wish I ad the words to help. So, so many of the great people here are able to convey so beautifully what is in their hearts.
Me, not so much, but I feel your pain and am sending you a warm, enveloping hug.


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 605 | Registered: May 2011
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Read Melody Beatty's book, Co-dependent no more.

I was in a similar situation and this book helped greatly.

Stay strong. You were hurt by the person you trusted the most, in a horrible way. It's OK to be sad, but you need a plan to eventually return to good health and sanity that can be achieved with or without your WH.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 507 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Kiddo, I cried every day for a year and a half. Seriously. 6 HOURS a day for the first 6 months (since I was pregnant and then postpartum so my hormones weren't helping.)

There wasn't jack shit anyone could have done about it.

I think once about 15 months after Dday WH found me sitting on the floor of the shower crying and got frustrated the way you're describing your WS. I pretty much told him to man up and deal. That I'd be hurt until I wasn't and when I wasn't hurt anymore that's when he should get REALLY scared because that's when I wouldn't care all that much.

You are so, so normal. So normal.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
girlsbird
Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Oh honey...((((((((HUGS)))))))

My heart is just breaking for you right now. You have to take care of yourself. Your worth so much more than this.


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Thank you all so very very much, it is so hard to get into my head that how I feel is "normal". It sure as hell does not feel normal, it feels surreal.

This morning h came outside and told me, I love you, want to help you, want to spend my life with you, I can't imagine my life without you.

It felt like it touched my heart, but I also know, have to remember to not have any expectations. He could come home tonight and tell me that he has to leave because he is causing my pain.

sometimes he seems so close to understanding, I see his face almost crumble, then the wall comes back up and it is about me choosing to be in pain.

I hate this!!!

consistency, I need consistancy


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Has he done any reading? Even the readings for the WS in the Healing Library?

R is an emotionally charged, intense and sometimes confusing and difficult process. fWH and I did/do a lot of reading because I can''t imagine thinking I know how to navigate R without a roadmap of sorts.

With or without him, you need to recover, and heal from his infidelity. The work the WS does is only about half, the rest comes from you. Self-care, reading, a small daily goal, IC, support IRL, venting, are all part of recovering from his infidelity. He should be in IC too, once he starts taking care of himself he may be able to help you. Certainly IC for the WS can help him navigate the overwhelming, confusing and conflicting emotions they have like guilt, shame, fear and help him start to separate his real feelings from the lies he told himself to make the A possible.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

He is in IC and so am I. we are also in MC.

He has not read. Seems resistant, says the answers are between us not in books.

I have read everything that I can get my hands on.

I try to tell him about the things I have read that touch me but he shuts down.

He says he is happy now, says he has forgiven himself. tells me I am here now, no one is hurting you now, why cant you see that accept that?

I really believe he is just too afraid to face his emotions.

I try to explain that there is no way we can know what is the right thing to do in this situation, it is not instinctive. We need help, why not look to those who have gone before us?

Right now at this moment he is having his first appt with our MC/my IC alone.

I asked him to do this and he agreed. Everytime he comes home from his own IC, he is so full of himself, cocky, full of blame towards me, I wonder what is really going on there??

I wasn't nervous before, I asked for this. Now I am terrified. Maybe I thought our MC could reach him in a way I could not.

What if it doesn't work?? I think that is what is causing the anxiety. I have no clue what to expect. I have put too much hope in this. I am tired of being let down.

I will read, I will post on SI, I will write you an apology, I will make a list of songs just for you, to let you feel safe with music again, I will do whatever it takes to help you.

Nothing


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

consistency, I need consistancy

Yes! You do. It takes a long time of consistent good behavior to rebuild trust. This back and forth will do nothing but drive you crazy.

You need to know that he's safe, that he's going to change and be a safe husband for you. That's when you can lean on him. The man who loves you and can't imagine life without you one day, and wants to leave because you're "not choosing to be happy" (what a load of horseshit) the next is not going to make you feel safe and provide the consistency you need.

That's why I think it's best if you try to detach from him and just don't even try to count on him for support. Because inconsistent manipulative "support" is worse than none!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6564 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

I guess it is no wonder that I am feeling crazy.

Maybe it's him that is crazy not me!

It is hard to be open to him, let down my guard when I cannot trust who he will be from moment to moment.

I was very detached from him for a couple of days. He did not like it and seemed to become more irritated with me, that is when the leaving conversations started.

I am so torn, leave/stay, I love you/ I hate you, hold me/get the f away, this truly is the worst time of my life bar none.

I have been through some horrific experiences with father and others. Nothing else hurt this badly. I suppose because the hurt I received before was normal, they had never treated my differently, it wasn't shocking.

I trusted h. Shouldn't have but I did.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

He is unremorseful. He is putting his timeline on your healing..that won't work. You are a few months out from dday..and he has forgiven himself?? REALLY? That's a problem.

I think,at some point,a WS should forgive themselves. But this close to dday? While he is telling you to basically get the fuck over it? Um..no.

Is he aware that it takes 3-5 years to heal from this shit?

Oh..and him telling you if you don't stop being sad or he will leave you is pure manipulation. It's selfish. It's cruel.

My WH wants me to get over it too. He says I choose to feel like this. I told him it's as if he shot me,and then put a bandaid over the bullet wound..then yells at me because Im still bleeding.

It's crap.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7151 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

Oh can't accept,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your WH is trying to manipulate you and threaten you into being happy. He is acting as though you are to blame in my estimation and trying to blame shift. Of course when you started to show your true feelings is when he wanted to leave.

He can't face what he has done to you so he wants it to go away and then he doesn't have to. But, if he isn't remorseful he will probably repeat his actions. I don't post here alot because I am trying to figure things out and can't really give good advice until I do.

I just wanted you to know that there are people who care about you here. Keep posting.

Take good Care,


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

H just called after finishing appointment with my IC/ourMC.

He sounded so positive.

"I am pushing you too hard, trying to fix things.

We are going to be ok, I believe that."

It makes me feel happy and terrified all at the same time.

I hope so much, want to work it out so much. I am so afraid to trust him. I know, absolutely there has been nc, so it is not about that.

It's about opening my heart, needing to feel loved, feel special, I want to believe that he can be the man I need, I want to feel that I am more important than anything to him right now. I need him to see and accept the pain that he caused and be willing to do whatever it takes to win back my heart.

I want so badly that I have to hold back, I must keep my hope under control, don't believe until I see with my own eyes, my own heart.

It hurts way too much when it is not real. Only talk about what he is going to do but never follows thru on. I must remember. There is not much left of my heart to crush, I barely have the strength to get thru each day. No more pain please, please, please.

be detached, protect myself.

don't let my heart rule my brain.

How do you act detached when you feel love? It feels like a lie but I know it is necessary. Just one more conflicted thought in my head.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

((((cantaccept))))


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

((((can't accept))))

Whenever I read a post from a BS just 6 months out, I feel that heart wrenching feeling again, remembering how I felt at that time. I still get pangs but know this.....No matter what the outcome, you WILL feel better.

I know that this is he'll for you. We've all been on that road and we have survived it. It just takes time before we can figure out what it is going to take before we know how to heal ourselves. Maybe your WS doesn't know how to help, so it is his job to find out, but you must only depend on yourself.

If he figures out a way to go through this WITH you, great. But with or without him, you CAN get through it. And you will.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 724 | Registered: Feb 2012
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

i just wanted to tell you that i am so sorry you are hurting. i feel your pain...so raw...we are all here for you...surrounding you with support.

a lot of us have been exactly where you are....you have an unremorseful husband...you do. he is more concerned with how he feels than your feelings. you might get a little support by his words every now and then...but when it gets hard, or you trigger and break down...he wants to bail, or blame you for the issues...(like asking you if you want to be happy)...or rush you into getting over this. it is called manipulation..and that is common for an unremorseful wayward. you are very normal. you are in no way doing anything wrong...or acting in an inappropriate way. in fact, your behavior goes hand in hand with an unremorseful spouse. he is not making it safe for you to grieve, to heal...he is not giving that emotional support you need.

it is not about him. it is about you, and your healing. you have to really if you can try to listen to what we are telling you even though it hurts. i think it is time for you to 180 him...i really do. and take care of you.

you are afraid that he will leave you. i get that...afraid that your pain and sadness is keep you both from moving on. but that is not the case. it will take as long as it takes. period. there are no shortcuts, no magic pill...and really nothing that he can say to you to make the pain go away so quickly...it just wont. it takes time.

and either he understands that or he doesnt...and can leave. that is exactly how strong you need to be. for your own sanity.

and you want to have some strength and dignity in your reconciliation with him. and not be pushed, intimidated, manipulated, or emotionally threatened into doing what he wants you to do. you know what i mean? you are the queen. the prize...the gem..and he screwed you over....and he needs to understand that it will take a long time for him to reestablish trust with YOU.

as gently as i can....i am telling you to 180 his ass...and tell him that he can get the fuck out if he cant support you no matter how long it takes.

and if he doesnt know how, then he needs to figure it out..not you.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 916 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, July 5th (Friday)

Thank you again, all of you for your support, I can't express how much your support, compassion, empathy and advice help me when I am feeling so alone with all this. It keeps me feeling sane.

I wanted to let you all know that there are signs of life in him.

My IC and I have been focusing on helping me to detach. I struggle because it feels false to me. It is as if I am lying when I don't show how I feel. I understand it is about protecting me first, head gets it - heart rebels.

Wednesday, h had an appointment with my IC-our MC alone.

It is like a complete stranger has walked through my door. One I like but don't trust, not yet, I must not let down my guard too quickly or too easily. This is what I have been yearning for. I have to make sure that it is real and sustainable before I trust.

I told h this and he seems to actually understand! He is reading on his own. He says that he now understands that in order for me to heal, for me to forgive him, he has to work for it, comfort me, accept my pain and depressed moods as a natural reaction to his actions. He is asking me questions about how I feel, what causes me pain, how do I get though it. He asked me to please tell him when I am triggering so that he can help.

I love my IC.

Is this real??? Can I trust it??? Will it revert back???

This is what I hold close to protect myself. This is what the brain says.

The heart is not listening so well, the heart is ready to melt. I think I have to detach from my heart! I cannot let my hope blind me.

consistency over time, my new mantra.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Topic Posts: 32