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User Topic: I'm calling this progress
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Saturday night we had our first argument since d-day. Of course he's been mad at me plenty since then but I haven't been able to get mad at him until Saturday night. He got mad about something I couldn't have anticipated (not A related) and I saw it as unfair. I thought, "is he always right no matter what because of what I've done?" And the answer I gave myself was "nope". So I got mad too.

It scared me. I got that withdrawing alone feeling like I used to get before and during the A and it really scared me. So he cooled off and apologized, I apologized. Then I did something revolutionary, I talked to him about it. We talked about what we were feeling. I told him about the fear. And we feel closer because of it.

We're going to be ok. He was actually singing around the house the other day. It made me tear up. He used to sing all the time early in our relationship but hasn't for a very long time. It's so good to hear him sing even if it's hard rock music and he gets the lyrics wrong.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 10:16 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


FWW 40's, BH (knight) 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and a dog

Posts: 1072 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, July 1st (Monday)

LOVE it, knightsbff.

I have to say, I feel that Crazz and I have the most progress when we handle an argument productively.

Seems like an odd litmus test, but whatever works, right?

Good for you for talking about it. I hope that the good feeling you're left with encourages you to talk more things out.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14698 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I remember experiencing this. Due to FOO and other lovely people in my life I was groomed to say, "Yes, you're right. I'm wrong. I'm sorry." and back away from the argument. Part of my healing has been to realize that I am not the permanent whipping boy, finding my voice, and standing up for myself.

Then I did something revolutionary, I talked to him about it. We talked about what we were feeling. I told him about the fear
Great step.

It's so good to here him sing even if it's hard rock music and he gets the lyrics wrong.
Love this.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5456 | Registered: Nov 2011
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 1st (Monday)

I was groomed to say, "Yes, you're right. I'm wrong. I'm sorry." and back away from the argument.
Oh my goodness YES! I think it may be partially a regional thing...G.R.I.T.S. I say sir and ma'am. I'm a little in awe and jealous of friends from up North who have no problem speaking their mind. I'm always waiting for the lightning to strike though.


FWW 40's, BH (knight) 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and a dog

Posts: 1072 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, July 1st (Monday)

Huge! Hold on to this moment, remember this progress.

Remember that talking after the mads passed and try to do that before the mads start.

Practice, practice, practice. That sounds weird, talk about stuff, all sorts of stuff. Pick a topic a day and talk about it. It helps a ton!

Wal and I listen to NPR and talk about the topics that come up. It was awkward at first. The more that we did it, the easier it became and now, we would really miss it if we didn't debate or agree and just chat about stuff.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I read somewhere that what makes a good marriage is not the absence of fights, but the way that people conduct them. Sounds like you got the revolutionary idea right.

It's so good to here him sing even if it's hard rock music and he gets the lyrics wrong.

Gotta love those classics, like
There's A Bathroom On The Right -by CCR
Slow Walking Walter, The Fire Engine Guy -by Deep Purple
Baking Carrot Biscuits -by BTO


ETA: It was so commonly mentioned that in concert on occasion Hendrix really would sing "'Scuse me while I kiss this guy."

[This message edited by aesir at 4:24 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)


He says to him the lyrics aren't wrong.


FWW 40's, BH (knight) 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and a dog

Posts: 1072 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I like seeing progress. I'm glad you were able to find your voice and that it was OK.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1916 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Slight t/j
There's also "big head Jed left a light on" Steve Miller Band.

So glad to hear you're able to express yourself KBFF and not hold it in... and then be able to discuss it together... progress indeed!!!


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 461 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
Topic Posts: 9