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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Help!! It's meet mow time again
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

This weekend is a long weekend in Canada. This Thursday is the last day of school.
I took Friday off work to make it a 4 day weekend.
Dumbass decided to ask me to take the kids to his cottage this weekend.

We have no formal agreement for visitation because that is what he wanted. No papers. No divorce. We were common law.
He has seen them 4% of the time this year so far with only 2 overnights.
He leaves his time open to travel to Europe to see MOW and her son.

It's a hassle to deal with him last minute when he wants to see them but I have to do it so infrequently it's become tolerable.

She is apparently divorcing and he is seriously considering moving to her country.

He wants her to meet his kids now. She is coming here in July around her birthday and he is taking her on yet another vacation that we talked about doing before DDay when the kids were older.
I have told him I don't want her to meet them since she is still married, lives across the ocean and has never expressed a desire to meet them.
I still don't think his relationship is stable. I don't think it will last but he obviously does. No surprise there.

He on the other hand has vacationed with her son so I guess that is why he thinks it's ok.

He wants to meet together with the kids and talk about it.

I asked if they were getting married and no answer. Shocker.

My anxiety level has just shot through the roof. We are texting now about this.

I told him I was against this. My reasons and somehow he thinks that I agreed for her to meet them.

I know I am lucky that she doesn't live here and I don't have to put up with the horrible visitation shit that others here have to deal with.

I'm probably all over the place here and not making much sense but I'm freaking out here.

I knew this day would come but I can't believe that the kids will meet the woman who tore their world apart.

I don't even have the luxury to think that it's ok as long as she's nice to them. I can't stand it.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 11:49 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

(((((Lola)))))

He wants to meet together with the kids and talk about it.
Um, wait - he wants to meet with you and the kids to discuss them meeting the MOW?

No. Not even no - Hell no. Until the two of you are on the same page about it? The kids have no business being in the discussion. Period.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24435 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

It's getting to the point that I am sitting here again at my desk at work and begging him by text to not do this to me.

I want him to go and be with her and leave me alone.

I want him to forget I ever existed. If he sees the kids, fine. I don't want him anywhere around me and I have made that abundantly clear.

I told him it doesn't matter what I think, he will barrel over my wishes as usual.

He said it does matter what I think and I told him that was not apparent to me.

He made his decision. He chooses her. Over me and over his children. It's happened over and over again.

He can't pretend now that they matter. There are too many examples of when she was put first. Even over himself and he was the most important person always. Narcissist that he is.

I don't want to cry over this asshole anymore.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

((((lola))))
Stop texting this fucker. You already have plans for this weekend, so no go for him.

As for meeting MOW, you know there isn't much you can do about this. I hate saying that but unless you have an X that is easily guilted or bullied into during the right thing...well, you know, he's just going to do what he wants and feel oh so justified in it. FTG.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4553 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Stop texting this fucker.
Amen. Turn your phone off if you must.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24435 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Ok, the texts have stopped.
I told him to go there and be with her there. Don't bring her here. I stopped it.

Not before a co-worker saw me in tears and asked what was wrong.

I'm ok now. Calmed myself down.

I already told him once that I knew he would ignore my wishes, have the girls meet her, I would find out later, he would appologize and think everything was ok (because an insincere appology always works you know) and the result is he got what he wanted.
That is his M.O.
My IC says I have his number.
It doesn't make it any easier.
I know I have it so much better than others here. He is mostly absent and pays CS.
It's still really hurtful even after 2 years.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

((((Lola)))) The truth is, honey, no one has it easy. All of this sucks for everyone here. And you are doing just fine.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24435 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Thanks for that Nik.
It helps to hear that someone thinks I'm doing just fine.
Sometimes I even believe it.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I know just how you feel hun. 20 weeks after S this 40 y/o idiot announced he was ready to introduce his 24 y/o office gopher, prior OW (I trusted her taste more than I trusted his fidelity) to my then almost 5 and just over 2 year olds as his GF.

I raged against it - begged and pleaded with him to not change their worlds so soon. I berated him for his idiotic decisions, reminded him of his poor impulse control.

I pointed out how fucked up it all was - that it was way to soon and what damage it would do.

All to no avail. Just gave him ego kibbles.

In his mind he is no longer broken - evidenced by the fact that he is now in a loving relationship. It is completely lost on him that this 'healthy' relationship happened during his M.

The fucker thought this was a reaction as a wife. No - it was a reaction as a mum.

OWUmpteen is welcome to him not to my girls. But there is/was nothing I could do.

Sometimes we need to surrender to this stuff lest it make us crazy. The only thing I loathe more than those whores being around my precious girls is someone being unkind to them. As long as she or the next or the next iteration of her is not unkind to my girls I will leave them to their pathetic attempts at the insta-family.

He recently corrected my 5 year old and told her that we were still married - all whilst imposing OWUmpteen on them. I'll never understand how he could wilfully do this damage to my girls. Never.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5422 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 8th (Monday)

UPDATE:

This has reared it's ugly head again.

He has been trying to call me. I jump every time I hear his ring tone (Darth Vader's Theme).

I let it go to voicemail. He says he wants to meet to talk to me about something important. Well, he says, something more important to him than to me.

What?

I text back asking for him to be more specific about the topic of the discussion.

He calls me at lunch when I was out of the office. I picked up.

He is engaged.
Yep, they are getting married and he wants her to meet the kids when she comes here for a week for her birthday.

She is divorced and they are engaged. Their love is real as Marzipan used to say.

She still lives in Switzerland, she has a job there. He lives here. He says they will be married eventually.

He says that he asked the girls if they would like to meet her and they said yes, if it's ok with mommy.

Well, it's not.
They still live thousands of miles away from each other and only see each other every 6 weeks or so.
I think they will marry so that he can move there. I'm hoping that will happen.

I don't think I can stop the meeting from happening but I am looking for suggestions to have it be more on my terms. I want to have some control.

I am so upset. I yelled at him that I hate his fucking guts.

Good thing I have IC today.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 12:33 PM, July 8th (Monday)]


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, July 8th (Monday)

I am so sorry ((((HUGS)))).

He is in fanasty island land. Again, "who do that"? She must be an naive or something.....


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2657 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Another Update:

Apparently her divorce was final just a few days ago.
She then told dumb ass that she cannot remain unmarried. She thinks that her job requires being married because she is a high level executive (otherwise people might think she gave blow jobs to get where she is, not so sure that's not true with her track record.)
So dumb ass ex was basically given an ultimatum.

What a great way to start a lovely life together.

Fuck that Guy and the whore he road in on.

I just can't get over that he will marry her. He will do it.

He said he never wanted to marry again after his marriage broke up when his wife cheated. He said that it was just a piece of paper and that you can be committed without the ceremony.
I fell for that.
Now I just can't stop thinking that he just didn't want to marry me. It wasn't marriage he was against it was marrying me.

I guess I'm lucky in a way that we never did. It was surprisingly easy to untangle our 12 year "relationship".

I have to move on from this.
I hope they have all the happiness they deserve.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Threnody
Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Well, with all this news in play, you may have an excellent reason to reopen a custody case to nail things down. Things like him not being allowed to take the children out of the country, period, no matter where he's living. I don't recall what sort of custody you have at the moment, but make sure you get sole LEGAL as well as physical custody with local-to-you overnight visitation as you deem fit.

And honestly? It's not you. He's put a lot of time, money, and effort into sustaining this fairy tale with her. She's a smart cookie, no doubt about it. She saw how easily he left you. She's pretty much tying him to the mast, and if her ship sinks now that her rich husband's gone, your husband's going down with it. Your ex got trapped but good with her.

Think about this: he's going to marry her and move there, essentially being supported by her. How long do you think Madame Executive is going to put up with that before getting bored and, gee, I don't know -- having an affair? And there'll be your poor ex-pumpkin, trapped legally and powerless. Once their divorce is final, he'll be sent back "home." He'll have lost twice.

And this is why you need that custody stuff updated ASAP. He's going to self-medicate by trying to improve his image, and your children will be props for that. Don't allow it.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14040 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Please. Don't. Speak. To. Him. Again.

I lost it when the sad clown told me he was ready to introduce 24 y/o OWUmpteen to my girls 20 weeks after S. He got so many ego kibbles from that he had to move 4 loops out on his ego belt.

Focus on what you have a shot at achieving via legal channels. You are beating a dead horse trying to reason with him and you are arming him with a device to torture you with.

You need to surrender to that which you can't impact via legal channels.

Surrender. Or we will go through this with every iteration of their latest "the one".

These are the shards of glass in these shit sandwiches we and our children have to eat. I know how much it hurts honey. I really do.

Anyone/everyone is welcome to him - NONE are welcome to my children. If I am forced to endure that then I have to comfort myself with the hope that they are not unkind to them.

((Lola2kids)) The stupidity is astonishing. The recklessness is astonishing. The cruelty is astonishing. Even after all they've done these betrayals beyond infidelity are still astonishing.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5422 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I have all the documentation about visitation from the time he moved out until now.

I will look for a consult with a family lawyer about custody.
Basically my consult with the lawyer when we split was encouraging. She said "let him move away and let him ask for the kids to be sent to him. You have no obligation to send them and he has no legal recourse to make you send them."
I know that CS would be sitting here waiting for him to return. It would accumulate while he is gone and not paying it.
He currently pays it by direct deposit to my bank account bi-weekly from his dad's bank account (which he basically uses as his slush fund.) His dad only has a small pension from his country of origin that does not go into this account.

I guess it's time for a google session for family lawyers.

Honestly, I keep thinking that he just told me they are engaged because one of my objections to her meeting the kids was that they are not really in a long term relationship since they are long distance. He thinks that telling me they are engaged changes something. But really, if his lips are moving, he's lying right?


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

"I told him I was against this. My reasons and somehow he thinks that I agreed for her to meet them. "

I don't know how to do that neat highlighting box, so I did quotes.

This occurs with STBXH and I call it bullying-as does my lawyer. It's a horrible, wretched feeling that makes me feel like I have no value as a person.

STBXH here speaks of OW meeting "our" children and I cannot bear it.

I am in awe of people like you who have crossed that line or are stepping up to the marker to do so...I simply cannot fathom it.

FWIW, I am intending to refuse to meet "it", have you had to meet OW in the case of your Ex?

I have no idea why people seem to think that this is fine but they do and I don't understand why people think it's fine to go so against the other parent's wishes. That term "co parenting" makes me turn beat red with anger, because it really isn't, most of the time.

STBXH here tried to have the visitation without papers, too, but once I filed, that's not allowed in our state because in order to have it go through, it needs a visitation schedule...(been changed every few months and driving DD nuts!)

Anyway, I don't know if any actual advice will come out of my reply and I'm sorry to waste an entry if not, but I wanted to come on and show empathy and sorrow for your situation.

I've heard of several people who have crossed this point and tell me they have panic and don't sleep for a long while later-years, for some, until their children come back.

So far, I've been able to hold off on DD being brought "there" and this is in the papers we have, but I can't always stand in the way of DD having to meet "It".

My hope is that it will wait til she is old enough to know the truth of the whole thing and will recognize that it's a bad situation, but the lies they both tell could also be told DD.

It's all wretched and I'm sorry, Lola.

I wish you had a lawyer, even if you don't have divorce papers and were common law married. I understand that part, but have also heard of family lawyers and I'm going to ask if you've considered hiring one of these or a free consult?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I have never met the DOW.
I have no desire to ever meet her. I have dreams where my hands are around her neck choking her.

He has friends that have met her and they describe her as very cold and arrogant.

He never wanted to go to a lawyer for the separation. We settled the property through a real estate lawyer.
No connection financially.
He never wanted a formal custody and visitation agreement because he did not want to commit to a set schedule.
As per my documentation he has had them 4% of the time so far this year and only 2 overnights (with his parents present to help).
I saw no need to have a formal agreement when he so rarely sees them.

The only reason for me to lawyer up is to get sole leagal custody. He would fight that. He does not want me to exclude him from decision making for the kids.

I'm not sure what the best thing is to do?


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

She thinks that her job requires being married because she is a high level executive (otherwise people might think she gave blow jobs to get where she is, not so sure that's not true with her track record.)

What an absolutely fabulous reason to get married. It shouldn't be because you love someone and want to make a lifelong commitment or anything

Unfortunately, I had the D-day of the cheating and then a D-day about a month later when I realized that he had involved the kids without me knowing and had been having them lie to me about it.. The second D-day was so much worse, I can't even tell you how pissed and shocked I was

I'm not sure the best thing you should do here either.. I guess I would tell you to try to be reasonable as best you can.. For 5 months after we separated, my POS was taking them 5 overnights a month, not even asking for more. Then he shocked me at mediation saying he wanted 50/50 time sharing, and he got it.. He had been telling me I was "keeping the kids" from him, but I told him to show me one text or email where I refused to let him have the kids, and he couldn't.. I couldn't refuse him when he wasn't even asking me for them!!

Obviously, emotionally, meeting this OW is not a great idea for the kids; but legally, I don't know, I would say if he gives you a reasonable timeframe for when he's picking them up, I think a judge would want you to allow him to have them..

The fucker thought this was a reaction as a wife. No - it was a reaction as a mum.

I don't know why they don't get that part. I get accused of being jealous all the time, and he just can't get it through his thick skull that having MOW around all the damn time and sleeping there, etc., is NOT good for the kids this soon after we separated, and are still married! These fuckers really do only think about themselves and have no idea (or don't care) about the damage they are causing to the kids..

Good luck girl.. All of this really REALLY sucks.. Hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2000 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

All my reactions are as a mom now. That's right SBB and BG.
He said the same thing to me, that I'm thinking about myself and not what is best for the kids.
I told him in no uncertain terms that I am the only one that thinks of the kids exclusively.
He keeps saying that he is just living his life. I told him that it stopped being just his life alone the moment they were conceived.

It infuriates me.

He tried to call again to see if we are ok. Went to VM. There was a severe thunder storm last night and power was out in our area. We never lost power but his condo did.
There was flooding in several areas as well.

I have absolutely no desire or intention to talk to him in person ever again if I can help it. NC is easy when you have nothing to say to a person whatsoever.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Lola, I don't know if that fucker said it to you but this fucker said it to me: "I deserve to be happy".

Whilst that is absolutely true in the sense that we all deserve to be happy, where it all goes pear-shaped is that their 'happy' is and always has been at anothers' expense. Completely selfish. As long as they're 'happy' who gives a fuck about anyone else. They don't believe that this amount of change so fast is damaging for kids. Anyway, they are 'happy' so their kids must be happy too.

They don't care about the damage anyway - they need to be 'happy'.

My 5 year old likes OWUmpteen but still tells me she is sad that she is around all the time. She is sad that he doesn't have dinner with them when they're there but always has dinner with OWUmpteen.

At 5 she already knows she is not a top priority in his life. That shit kills me.

Our time with them is limited yet he still chooses to split himself between them and OWUmpteen. He diddles on his computer or diddles his whore during his time - time that I could be cherishing them and making them feel cherished.

They do the insta-family thing because it helps them validate their choices. You see it here time and time again. I also know that my girls will have to bond with and lose the next iteration of 'the one' over and over again every 2-5 years.

I have to say I would feel very uneasy if I didn't have a formal agreement in place. It means he could flit in/out of their lives as he pleases then all of a sudden insist on 50/50.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5422 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

You need to consult an attorney about visitation an support for the kids, divorce if Canada recognizes common law marriages too.

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

UPDATE:
He has called my cell phone every day for the last 3 days since our conversation (arguement?) on Monday when I found out he's engaged.
I do not wish to speak to him and let it go to voice mail.

I'd like to point out that he has not tried to call the home phone where the girls will pick up if they see on the display that the call is from him. So I don't believe that I am doing anything wrong by not answering his calls.

On the voicemail he sounds exasperated that I will not pick up the phone. He says he wants to get my agreement that the girls can meet with him and ...."her". He feels like he is entitled to that. "So, just answer the phone."

Oh, really?
Entitled much? It was that entitlement that started this whole ugly thing wasn't it?

I found out through a mutual friend that he is planning a birthday party for DOW (divorced OW) on Saturday at a fancy restaurant. He even went so far as to invite his ex wife to the party. This is the same woman whom he dumped DOW for 23 years ago and then subsequently married.
He never married me.

She told me she would not go to the party. We shall see if that is true. I was a little grateful that she would boycott. I'm not 100% sure I can trust what she says all the time.

So, his ex wife thinks that I should stick to my guns and tell him that I don't want the girls meeting "her". She says that they will not like her and the meeting will happen eventually but it doesn't have to happen now.

Honestly, he pissed me off with his talk of entitlement.
He's entitled to ignore my wishes because they are "engaged". How do I know that's really true and not just what he is telling me to get his way?

We were invited to a pool party on Saturday and the invitation pre dated his revelation on his engagement.

We are busy. He will want them to meet some other time. She is here for a week. Don't know when she arrives and don't know when she leaves.

Why do you think that he is pushing this so hard right now? I believe it is pressure from her. I believe that she is making this a condition somehow.

It's all driving me crazy.
How can I control the meeting when and if it actually happens?


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 12th (Friday)

Shameless bump.

Does anyone have any advice for a controlled first meeting with the OP?

I still have not spoken to ex in person (only through text).
He continues to call and spoke to the kids last night on the phone.

He will push until he gets what he wants.

I hate him.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Just say no. She's only going to be here for a short time so you should be able to avoid the issue this time out. I would quite simply tell him that you aren't ready, the kids aren't ready, and she hasn't been divorced long enough (if she's really divorced at all) and they aren't meeting her at this time. Period. What's the worst he could do? By the time he gets a court date to argue it, she'll be gone.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 4:16 PM, July 12th (Friday)]


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3968 | Registered: Sep 2005
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, July 12th (Friday)

I'm sorry, the girls and I already have plans for this weekend.

He can't just breeze into town and expect you to cancel any plans you have made every time. That's what he does, right? You never know when he's going to be here, or there, or whatever. You have had this invite, you are not lying, the girls are with you this Saturday. Go to your pool party and enjoy yourself. Forget about him for the day.

As far as controlling when they meet her...I really don't know how much control you can have. What you can control:

Do the girls even know about her yet?

Do the girls know daddy is engaged?

Do the girls see enough of him to care?

You are going to have to talk to him at some point, and just lay it out. You want to intro your whore? First, YOU need to spend time with the girls, more than one night a month when you breeze into town. You need to take them to dinner and tell them that you are seeing someone, and engaged, if that's the truth. THEN, you need to give them TIME, like a few weeks, to process it.

Think of it this way...you may not be able to control them never meeting her. What you can try to control is that the first meeting is just for an hour, over dinner or something. Not a week up at the cottage where they can't escape her. Tell him no sleep overs with the tramp, or the girls don't sleep over. Start there...see what other boundaries you think you need. You know at this point she isn't going away anytime soon, and he's going to intro them at some point. Think of what is least offensive to you.

(((hugs)))


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5372 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, July 12th (Friday)

The girls know. Yes. They also knew that she was married. He showed them a picture of her with her husband and son. He told them it was her husband. Why he didn't lie as usual i'll never know.
I told them he was engaged. One DD was excited she would go to her first wedding. I told her the wedding may not happen or she might not be there. I don't know.
I told them that just because daddy likes her it doesn't mean they have to. They should decide for themselves. I said they will probably meet her but I didn't know when.
One said "well you don't like her". I said that I've never met her so I don't know her.

I def want to control the first meeting. I was thinking a quick introduction and hi was enough. Dinner seems a bit much right now.
He doesn't even take overnights so hell no on that.

You are right DM. He needs to see them more before this bitch gets a crack. He barely calls them let alone actually see them.
That is why I can't figure what the push is. I think it's pressure from her.
"How do I know you are serious about me when I haven't met your kids?"
It's the only thing that makes sense.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

How long has she been divorced? I would ask for proof that she's divorced. I would also tell him they need to be in a stable, long term relationship(post divorce) before the kids meet her. Just because they are engaged doesn't mean the relationship will last or even that it's stable.

If you can tolerate it, I would go as far to demand you meet her before your kids do.

If he only sees the kids for a few hours at most. I would make that first meeting be just lunch or something. Make a time limit of an hour.

Honestly, this time you could probably get away with just saying no the kids and I have plans.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4691 | Registered: Feb 2008
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

If you can tolerate it, I would go as far to demand you meet her before your kids do.

I completely disagree with this. It will do nothing but add fuel to the already raging fire.

Do not discuss it with him. Talk to your L about what you can/cannot legally put a stop to and work from there.

Are your kids in IC? If not I strongly suggest it. An IC can help you deal with this in terms of them too.

NC means not letting anyone give you info about them either. You are giving them both waaaaay too much headspace. They are on an ego kibble glut right now - you are making them very very important to you. They are not.

Take back your power.

They are going to meet her. She is going to be around whenever they see their dad. They now know their dad is engaged. They know she was/is married.

Please tell me what it is you think you are protecting them from by getting into this crazy with him? I haven't looked at your profile but is there something of concern to you (besides the obvious).

You cannot control him or what he does. Do what you can legally and stop focussing on the rest.

I am living through my precious little girls being around his whore self and his whore - there is nothing I can do about it. I could be making it worse by making it a bigger shitstorm than it already is.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5422 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

Peridot. She has been divorced literally only days.
I have no proof she is divorced or that they are engaged.
I was going to tell him that it won't happen this visit. Everything is so new.
SBB, the issue I guess is that she will not actually be around the kids that much. They are long distance. She lives overseas. She rarely comes here to visit. He normally travels to see her. He rarely sees the kids lately. She is only here for a week and its the first time she has been here this year as far as I know.
He told me he will probably go there. He will relocate if they marry.
That was my main reason for her not meeting the kids. It's not like they live together.
Like I said, I'm not sure what the push is all of a sudden.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

Lola, I wouldn't agree to it then. He may do it any way, if not this time maybe the next, but I wouldn't give him your blessing.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4691 | Registered: Feb 2008
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 15th (Monday)

After a blissful weekend of NC, he is at it again. No calls just text. Wants to take them to dinner. No mention of DOW.
I said maybe next week and he admitted she is still here.
I am at IC right now.
Told him I was at the doctor. For an ulcer.
I can lie too right?


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Hey you. How you holding up? Has he given up yet? Hopefully she's on her way back from where she came.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5372 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

DM. Blissful NC today and yesterday. Apparently he took her to Montreal.
I hope she leaves soon.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Let's hope he forgets the way back. Or that Quebec decides to separate NOW, and closes the borders.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5372 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Get custody legally settled NOW. What if she takes a shine to your girls and asks him to fight for custody? She has money and knows how to manipulate him. Take her out of the equation before they marry. Settle your custody issues between the two of you. Don't let her get her foot in the door any further.

Seriously don't delay, you don't want to be fighting the two of them, and having her egging him on to take the kids. Now, NOW, NOW is your time window. Don't think he will play fair if she wants the girls too!


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2901 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I'm not worried about him wanting custody (much). He doesn't want to be a father. To his kids or to her son.

Today I am so profoundly down that I don't know what to do.

I have been NC since the conversation when he told me he was engaged.
His friend who attended the skank's birthday party on Saturday night called to tell me a little. (yes, I know I should not hear about this at all even from outside sources. I was curious and knew that I need to detach but sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants.)
I needed to know. It's as I expected. He dotes on her and she said that they are obviously in love. It didn't even hurt. I was expecting it. I know that it's the beginning of the relationship and that is the way he is in the beginning, it changes. He gets bored.

The part that I have a hard time getting over is the marriage. I know it will or won't happen, really up in the air. He told the friend that they are engaged and it took "some work" convincing her to agree.
Really,it's not the marriage for him that bothers me.
It's the fact that he never, ever wanted to marry me.
He never wanted to commit to me in that way.
We were together for 12 years and he said that he was committed and didn't need the piece of paper. Marriage was a sham and people are brain washed into thinking it's forever.
So, why does he want forever now?
The blameshifting and rewriting our history has been done so I guess now he's a fan of marriage.
It doesn't help with me feeling like I wasn't good enough. I knew I wasn't good enough for him. He had no qualms telling me that. I know that it was abuse but it will take some time to get over it.

Also, I was having a conversation with my DD last night. I wanted her to be prepared for what might happen. Her father may just move to Europe to be with his new wife. She opened up to me and asked why daddy has to be on the phone with his girlfriend when he is with them (the twins) at a restaurant or wherever they go. I told her that she should tell daddy how she feels when he does this.
Bottom line: She misses him. She said she misses him when he travels to see his girlfriend. She says she would be ok meeting the girlfriend because I think she knows that's the only way she will get to see her father.
She cried. I told her that she could talk to me anytime about anything. She came to me later and wanted to talk about some of her fears about going into grade 4 this year and about math. So, I guess it worked, she comes to me.

I don't know if anyone has advice. I need to go back to the process of detachment. I know what needs to be done. NC about him.
The feelings are still there and need to be processed.
It's things that I have heard expressed here.

I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

((Lola)) I think we all break NC until we've been hurt enough. I hated hearing stuff about him but I felt like I NEEDED to know.

Until I was hurt enough. Then I didn't need to know anymore. Life has been so much better since then.

I think you've been hurt enough honey.

A marriage is not a forever. Certainly not between a WS/AP.

The sad clown was desperate to marry me and have children. DESPERATE. Pushed and pushed and pushed. I thought that it meant he loved me and that it meant forever too. It didn't. It doesn't.

They are just shiny things his bird brain likes to collect to show everyone what a great life he has - what a great guy he is. It is all a facade. An act.

Years ago I remember watching a Dr Phil show once where he talked about how you measure a man not by how he treats his wife in public but in private (same goes for both genders).

He always treated me amazingly well in public. Affectionate, touchy, sweet, gentle, attentive. He doted on me and I loved it. To this day people talk about 'how in love' we were.

Hearing that one line by Dr Phil it dawned on me (many many years before DD) that he only ever treated me that way when we were in public - never in private. It made me really sad. I had his measure many years ago but did nothing about it.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5422 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

It's strange that you mention the Dr. Phil quote.
I have heard that before and found that with ex it was the opposite.
He used to, in the beginning, treat me better in private. He was affectionate and loving and doting.
In public he would kind of ignore me at parties, go off and do his own thing and leave me to fend for myself. It was hard being socially shy and I found myself sitting in a corner at most parties.
We used to car pool to work and he would not want to give me a kiss as I got out of the car.
I remember him telling me that his ex wife saw us cross the street somewhere holding hands and then he very rarely took my hand in public after that.

I am aware that there was emotional and verbal abuse at home as well but it always struck me that he was this way in public.
I believe now that he was ashamed of me.
Whether it's true or not is up to debate.
He once said that he wished he could be more proud of me.
His culture is very appearance oriented. I do not meet his standards of nice appearance (granted - a generalization likely but in my experience the general rule).
I just found out too late that there is very little of substance underneath (certainly where he is concerned).

It's something I work on in IC. I have a guy at work now telling me that if I was back in his country they would be lining up to date me.
It's difficult and it hampers my NB in a big way.

I just thought it was an interesting difference between us SBB.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

So, just a question. Anyone know how Switzerland reacts to child abduction to their country?

I know the 2009 report states that they are not very helpful, and usually are not useful for sending the child back to the states.

Another thought in all of this if he does move over there, and then asks for the kids to visit.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1684 | Registered: Sep 2012
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

I believe Switzerland has a realationship with Canada as far as CS enforcement goes.

I have their passports in a safe place. Not in my possession.

I have been assured through a lawyer that I do not have to comply to any request of his to have them visit him there. He has no legal recourse to make me send them to him without a legal custody agreement.

Really, he rarely sees them when he is here.
OW has a son.

If he leaves, big if, I will file for sole legal custody under the grounds of abandonment.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
grace68
Member
Member # 28241
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Lola,
You asked why he was willing to marry her. IMO broken people place more value on what is out of their reach than what is available to them. They prefer to chase rainbows rather than water solid ground.

You, as a loving faithful SO are infinitely more valuable than a women who would cheat on her H and destroy another's family. All your broken WH sees right now is the rainbow he's chasing.

If I remember correctly his ExW cheated on him? In his broken mind that makes her more valuable because he couldn't "have" her.

You were faithful and willing to marry him. He "had" you. Deep in the bottom of his twisted mind that de-valued you because he didn't value himself. In his mind, if you are truly committed to him, the loser, there must be something wrong with you.

I know it hurts. I know it makes you question yourself but know that however he is treating her now, if she marries and truly commits to him he will devalue her too. If she doesn't...well....what kind of life will that be for either of them?

You were a giving and loving SO, the very thing that strikes fear into the heart of these people. In his emotional abuse of you he probably put you down for the very things that make you human,unfairly call you hysterical and unreasonable so he wouldn't have to deal with real emotions.

By not marrying this man you dodged a bullet, but still have with two amazing children to raise. The moment with your daughter, and the fact the she can talk to you like she does then move on to her fear of math is a testament to her resilience and your parenting.

He didn't marry you because you are real, not some rainbow fantasy that he has to chase after. Watch and see, if he marries her he will still need a fantasy to chase, either it's OW1 because she's a train wreck and won't commit or another OW2 because OW1 decides to settle down. You are so much better off in the end.

Edited for grammar

[This message edited by grace68 at 11:11 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Me - BS
Him - Doesn't Matter
Status: Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2010
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 18th (Thursday)

Grace, thank you.
I needed to hear that.

I'm glad you used the word devalued. Yes, he devalued me but that does not mean that I have no value. I am a mom and my kids' unconditional love is the most precious thing in the world now and forever.
You are so right also that he wants what he can't have.

Yes, I dodged a bullet, for sure.

Edited for spelling.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 11:42 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

^^Ditto what grace said.


He used to, in the beginning, treat me better in private. He was affectionate and loving and doting.

Better isn't good. Everyone is affectionate in the beginning. I mean how they treat you once that first blush of new romance starts fading.

None of this has anything to do with you. He wasn't ashamed of you - he is incapable of healthy love. He was not capable of reciprocating your love not because of a measure of you but of him.

It makes me so sad that you feel this way. Please consider the source when using his actions/decisions to measure yourself. HE was not worthy. YOU had a right to be ashamed of him.

((Lola))


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5422 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

You are too good for him. You are better off without him.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4691 | Registered: Feb 2008
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Thank you all. It helps.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

Well, after, I think, 5 days of NC....
They were likely in Montreal. He called the house this morning. The girls were busy, they had a friend over and we let it go to the machine. After my cell rang. I sent it to voicemail. I thought he hadn't left a message but 1/2 hour ago I noticed it on my phone.
He wanted to talk to me. He wants to take the girls to "Florida" for the long weekend (in August). He said "let me know so I can book the airplane. we would leave Friday evening and come back Monday evening". So no time off work for him. Makes sense. He told me his vacation was for him. I told him my vacation is for the girls.
Now, his ex wife is in Florida for a month at her new vacation house. Also the skank used to regularly travel to Orlando on business.
He would need their passports and my permission to take them.
I don't want to do this.
I sent a text that I am taking them out of town that weekend. I do have the whole week prior off work. I was planning some things but haven't booked yet.
This really makes me uncomfortable.
I'm not sure if it's his ex wife that invited him there. I sent her a text to ask. It's likely that the skank won't be there so soon after she was here. I found out she left on Saturday. Probably true since he called today.
I can't sleep now. No response to either of my messages.
WTF should I do?


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Do NOT let them go anywhere with him where passports are required. That's a flight risk. You need to seek legal counsel.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

I think you stick to that you are off that week and the weekend is already booked.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4374 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

You told him you already have plans, so stick with that for now. But Lola..you have to get to a lawyer and make sure you have legal custody on paper. Especially if he is going to live overseas, he's going to want them to visit. And without that piece of paper, he may not return them, and you won't have a leg to stand on. Get to a lawyer, please?


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5372 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

What devastated mom said!


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

Florida may have come to mind because of the ex...but that doesn't mean that is where he intends to take them either.

Lawyer up!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Honestly. What would be the benefit of going to a lawyer if he won't sign anything?
Wouldnt i just get an agreement drawn up that he would actually have to agree to and sign?
He wouldn't sign the separation agreement I drew up from an online form because of the morality clause I added and he didn't know it's hard (or impossible) to enforce.
I really believe that if I try to take him to court (if it went to court?) he would turn into nightmare NPD asshole.
I have played him the best I could knowing that the last thing he wants is to be a full time parent. He wants them to adore him but be no other burden. Does that make sense?
My problem is that when I say no I still feel like there will be consequences. He will get back. Maybe he doesn't really care enough to get back at me.
What can I hope a lawyer will do for me? At worst he will take more visitation just for spite.
I have a hard time believing that I have any power against him.
The kids do miss him and it becomes a balance as far as how to protect them from the inevitable hurt and to let them learn on their own.
I want to do right by them but know in my heart that he will disappoint them.
I'm not sure I'm making sense.
I honestly just want a play by play as to what the lawyer will do for me and against him.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 6:45 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

The benefit is....

if he does move to "other country" with her, do you really think you are going to be able to never send them for a visit? Especially when they get a little older and they want to go see other country? If you do not have the paper saying they live with you, then he does NOT have to return them, and when you go to the police, they are going to say there is nothing they can do, because you don't have custody.

I know it might open up a fight now...but better now, than when your kids are in "other country" and can't come home.

Having that paper that says sole custody will mean the passports are under your control...and he can't go get them other ones.

Maybe what you did in the first place worked...but now, especially if he is going to marry her and live there, I don't think you can count on him only seeing the girls when he comes here. Without papers, I think you are in a worse position down the road. It's to protect you and the girls.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5372 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I can tell you what happened when the OW in my situation moved in with my XH. My XH had been somewhat cooperative and paid the CS like he was supposed to. Then bam, they move in together, she takes over. He's no longer cooperative and stops paying CS. Things weren't great before but once they moved in together, it really all went to hell.

If the same thing happens with your situation; they get married, he moves in with her, and overseas. What are you going to do when he takes the kids to another country and she wants to play house and he doesn't bring the kids back?

There won't be a damn thing you can do without a custody order.

Filing for custody and CS may ruffle his feathers but it's better that it happens while the kids are with you and not him, and in your country.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4691 | Registered: Feb 2008
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I think the best thing right now is a free consult with a family lawyer whose specialty is custody.
I need to know my options.
I honestly don't think OW will want my kids. She has a son. She's 47 years old. No more kids for her.
I can see dumbass getting dumped and coming home with his tail between his legs and looking for an ego boost from his kids. Yes that is a possibility.
Getting him to agree to sign over sole custody? I don't know.
I do have a letter signed by him which says the kids live with me, i have primary physical custody, he pays cs, and visitation is arranged as agreed by all parties. I have the visitation documented and all arrangement text messages saved.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I think the best thing right now is a free consult with a family lawyer whose specialty is custody.

You should look for one that has experience with international custody disputes since that may be in your future.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 975 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Lola, I don't disclose this to many people but my children's father and I were never legally married. He is a big part of their lives and a good man but I think in that situation you owe it to your children to insure their stability as much as you can. So we legally established paternity, custody, and child support.

Your X has already proven himself untrustworthy, I think you need to seriously consider having some level of control over his ability to make decisions regarding your children. They need every bit of stability possible.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4374 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Going for a consult is the right thing to do Lola. Better to talk to someone now and know what can be done/should be done than not to bother and have a big problem later.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5372 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Free consult scheduled for next Friday.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Glad to hear it Lola. I really think you need to know the worse case scenario, and what you can do to protect yourself/the kids. I'm proud of you.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5372 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 60