SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: What to say when people ask or express concern?
KeepOnMovin
Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

So, the news of our impending divorce is pretty much common knowledge. I get a lot of folks tell me how sorry they are I'm going through this. I always express my gratitude for their concern.

However, I also feel compelled to say something like this wasn't part of my life plan, I hate this is happening. I don't outright say she cheated. Some of my more bold acquaintances ask if there is someone else. This usually causes me pause, and I'll say something like STBXWW just didn't want to be married to me any longer, or I really don't want to discuss the details.

So, for whatever reason, saying we grew apart seems like bullshit, and I don't say that. I desperately wanted to stay married. And I don't feel like taking blame for her leaving. But now, knowing there's no way I could go back to the marriage, I still don't feel like saying we grew apart.

I never say she cheated on me for many reasons. I can accept my contribution to the marital problems, but I don't want to take blame for it falling apart either. Because I did work my ass off to make it a good marriage. To be a good partner.

Anyone else feel like this?


Me: BH
Her: STBXWW
Married: 21 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Separated and proceeding with divorce.
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
trebleclef
Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I don't go around announcing that STBXWH is a cheater. But I don't feel the need to hide the fact either. He should have thought of that before he dropped his pants.
I usually use the "yes well thankyou. This certainly isn't where I thought we'd be 43 years in, but life doesn't always take you where you think it's going"
That generally suffices. On the few occasions it hasn't, I proceeded to "I left him because I didn't like his girlfriends". That usually ends the convo ! And no, I don't feel guilty.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I have the problem that everyone loves STBEXH, he is a funny guy that is the life of the party. So I got a lot of the same conversations you had, people just couldn't understand why we broke up.

For the most party I keep it to myself, we have a lot of friends in common and I have no desire to make this ugly. But I have told a few select close friends (and of course family). I don't think he should get off without any blood on his hands so to speak, but I don't advertise it either..afterall we have a son to think about and he doesn't know the ugly details and shouldnt' have to right now.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I usually use the "yes well thankyou. This certainly isn't where I thought we'd be 43 years in, but life doesn't always take you where you think it's going"
KOM - Something like this is a great way to communicate that it isn't what you wanted without airing out details if you'd rather not share.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24385 | Registered: Aug 2011
KeepOnMovin
Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I usually use the "yes well thankyou. This certainly isn't where I thought we'd be 43 years in, but life doesn't always take you where you think it's going"

I do like this. And I do try to convey that I'm accepting of my situation, but wasn't my plan.

I don't want the cheating stuff getting back to my kids, even though I'm pretty sure the older ones at least know of have figured it out


Me: BH
Her: STBXWW
Married: 21 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Separated and proceeding with divorce.
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Ann124
Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I love trebleclef's post!

The hardest word I have with the discovery of a friend/person finding out we are D'ing is the "sorry" word.

When this occurs, and it occurs frequently, I express my thank you but also insert that there is no reason to be "sorry" as we are both happy with this decision. But with very close friends I do use the "I just didn't like his girlfriends."


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I have no compunction whatsoever in telling people STBX cheated. I think it's important that they know. I am not ashamed of his cheating. I didn't cheat, he did. I didn't break our marriage vows, he did.

Usually when people start in with sympathy I let them know that this impending divorce is a very good thing and I'm glad divorce is available. That's often enough to stop them right there. A few will press the issue, so I tell them he's a cheater. That normally ends it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9238 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

When people tell me sorry I tell them "if the marriage was good then we wouldn't be divorcing so don't feel bad that I'm moving to a better place". I also say that I loved my husband but I didn't like his girlfriend.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 616 | Registered: Jan 2012
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

What Nature_Girl said. When people say sorry, I thank them. If I feel like expanding, I say that good marriages never end in divorce.

And I'm totally okay with telling people she cheated. I'm the one who honoured my wedding vows!

ETA: Oops! Posted at about the same time as courageous, and said about the same thing.

[This message edited by pass at 12:43 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1666 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Topic Posts: 9