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Wayward Side
User Topic: Getting BS out of our school. Warning to other BS'
sicktomy
Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Sorry to other any bs as I know this is controversial but we are trying to do what is best for our family.

My bs and I would like the other bs and his ws out of our school. They have 4 kids and we have 2 that will be in the same class/grade as there kids. It's a small French school that isn't decided by proximity to we've decided that we want our kids to stay in this school. Both the other parents are teachers at other schools so it would be more convinient if their kids went somewhere else anyway and from what we hear they don't speak French at home and the kids lauguage is lagging behind.

That being said my wife and I would like to get them out. The other BS does the drop off and pick ups in the morning. We have discussed making the affair public but I'm not sure whata that will do as we told one mutuial friend and they are still friends with both sides. Currently the only think I can think of doing is making the other BS unformfortable with seeing me. For the past year we have tried to avoid being at the school at the same time. Obviously it causes anxiety for my wife to see the other bs and possibly see the OW so we'll continue to avoid that.

What do you guys think about me purposely making myself more visible so other BS has anxiety? He's be the one to pull the kids out because he doesn't speak the language.

Any other legal things we can do to get them out?

I am sorry again to any BS that reads this and is offended by this topic.


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Really? You are asking if it's okay to harass the other BS to the point of driving him to remove his 4 kids from the school? I'm sorry, but a truly remorseful WS would never consider doing such a thing. Plus, you are trying to mess with somebody else's children. What right do you have to do that? If you don't want your kids going to the same school, then pull your kids. You only have 2. They have 4, so it would be much easier for you to do than them.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13650 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I am not offended as a BS..just as a parent and human being. You don't get to decide where their kids go to school or effect their lives any further. I think the idea of making yourself more visible to purposely cause him more pain is loathsome IMO.
If you don't like it, move your kids. You don't get to determine what they speak at home or their right to be there. This is an unfortunate consequence to affairs but I don't think the honourable thing to do here is inflict more pain and upheaval to get what you want.
Just my opinion.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43990 | Registered: Sep 2006
LovesLaboursLost
Member
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

If it's that important to you, maybe your bs and other BS should have that convo. Don't play BS (that one is bull shit btw) games to try to make them leave. You can't make anyone do anything, you can only control you.
Imagine your ow and her bh having this convo. How would your wife feel if ow tried to intimidate her like this?
Deal with this like an adult, or consider that your kids may have to change schools as a consequence of your affair. GL.


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

We have discussed making the affair public but I'm not sure whata that will do as we told one mutuial friend and they are still friends with both sides.

If you want what is best for your children, do NOT make the A public and do not expect friends to take sides.

What do you guys think about me purposely making myself more visible so other BS has anxiety?

Your intention (that is key here) to make the other BS anxious given the already fragile state he must be in is just cruel IMO.

The kids will pay the price bc the "grown-ups" - who are still acting childish - fucked up.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:41 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Well it's so nice that you have their life and best interest all figured out.

Both the other parents are teachers at other schools so it would be more convinient if their kids went somewhere else anyway and from what we hear they don't speak French at home and the kids lauguage is lagging behind.
Justification.

"What we hear". That's called a rumor. You can't take rumors as gospel. And would it matter? They choose to use that school. Just like you chose to have your A. Buckle up Buttercup and realize these are the consequences you will face.

What do you guys think about me purposely making myself more visible so other BS has anxiety?
You would seriously do that? Do you have a soul at all? I'm just wondering. Cause ya know how your actions have destroyed your BS, yeah well your AP's have done the same to her BS. And now you want to keep stabbing her BS with a knife?

Any other legal things we can do to get them out?
I sure hope not. And if you do find some evil way to kick them out of the school, I hope they fight it tooth and nail. They have every right to be there. Just as much as you.

Unbelievable. I cannot wrap my mind around the couples that come on here and want to bully, torture, or scare the other couples out of locations. Blows my mind. Why can't you be the "bigger person" and do what's right? Why the pissing contest?

SMH


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6076 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I'm so glad Meta said it, because I wouldn't have been able to say it half as well.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6568 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

If you don't like it, move your kids.

The answer. This one is real simple.

take care...



Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jan 2012
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I don't get shocked here very often anymore, but wow. Just wow. Much like Meta, I'm not offended as a BS, just as a human.

I think you really need to think of your motives behind this and what line of thinking makes it ok to harass a BS (which you created) and affect the lives of children who I think we can all agree are innocent. It seems a lot like wayward thinking- entitlement? Maybe something to explore in IC and/or MC. Haven't you made their lives uncomfortable enough? Why would you want to make the situation worse?

Honestly, let it go or pull your children.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1989 | Registered: Sep 2011
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

As a BS I am not offended by this topic. It has me a little worried for you though.
What do you guys think about me purposely making myself more visible so other BS has anxiety?
This is not logical or normal thinking and definitely not the thinking or what I would consider a remorseful WS. This has exploding in your families face and adding more pain to your BS and your children written all over it.

I think this likely won't go the way you think it will. I am not being flippant or pissy here at all when I say you have NO idea what kind of reaction to expect from the other BS. Hell BS's themselves often don't know what kind of reaction they will have when confronted by or confronting the OP. I don't care what your AP told you, what you have seen, or what you think you know. There is no way you can know what kind of response you will get from confronting the other BS.

There are consequences to your actions. So man up and accept yours. If you don't want to be around the other family then move your family to another school.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1840 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
sicktomy
Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

First off, it does look like I offended many or shocked them at least. I am sorry for that and I never said that we would do any of the things listed in my post. BS and I have been mindfull of not hurthing the other BS as much as possible by avoiding the same times. I have also heard many times "get her out of the school" so I asked the question on here looking answers. Had we thought it was a good idea we would of done it and not posted.
It seems clear that we have only 2 options as many people posted.
1. Deal with my affair and it's consequences like adults
2. Take our kids out of the school if we can't do #1.


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

What do you guys think about me purposely making myself more visible so other BS has anxiety?

I never said that we would do any of the things listed in my post.

Then why did you ask us? I have no doubt you would do it had we all supported that idea.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13650 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
sicktomy
Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Lieshurt - what I meant is that we posted here instead of acting. I knew full well that it was a touchy subject and unchecked" the WS only box because I understand that my affair created two etrayed spouses and I wanted an opinon from more than waywards.


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
sicktomy
Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

We are in marriage councelling and I agree that it would be a good place to talk about this topic.


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

As someone who has exhibited this kind of behavior many times before, I think this was a call for "ego kibbles," as I heard Aubrie put it once.

sicktomy knew what needed to be done, but there was a vain hope that people would be supportive of an "option 3" that is EXTREMELY self-serving and hurtful. When that doesn't work, he immediately tries to earn brownie points on what's left by saying "Oh, hey, guys, I already thought of those answers. Aren't you so proud of me? I guess I'll go with one of them, since you guys all thought so."

The thinking on this has been all wrong from the get-go.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I have also heard many times "get her out of the school"
you said both the other parents teach at other schools. So what is the quoted statement referring to? Is your BW upset that you see the AP when she drops her kids off or does she work at the school with you. I am guessing because your kids are in the same class your BW is upset that she will have to see your AP at some point during the year. So just to clarify your problem is your BW doesn't want to see AP at the school or be around her but she also doesn't want you around AP at the school. Is that correct?

Either way NC is key and since you can't control your AP's family the only thing you can control is your situation.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1840 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
caspers1wish
Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I think the unfortunate thing is that you are the WS proposing this idea, so it comes off with a very bad taste in one's mouth. If this had been posted in general by a BS, the responses would be a bit different if not completely supportive, with a smattering of advice from the voices of reason, that you need to focus on your own family and not a worry about the other WS and BS.

So, take them out of the equation when moving on with your life. Live your lives for you and your family, not the other WS and BS. Causing intentional pain and discomfort to our fellow man isn't healthy for anyone.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 727 | Registered: Jun 2010
sicktomy
Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I posted instead of my wife because I caused the issue and she's the one that is hurting because of what I did. Another reason it that I can post during the day while she cannot due to her work but yes this could of been posted by my betrayed spouse, although worded differently as she is much more elequent with her words.
I have since called BS at work to discuss this post and what was being said. We both knew that is was a potentially hurtful question but we chose to ask advice from people outside the situation. My wife dealing with the hurt and I want to help her. As I stated this WAS the only thing that came up to "get her out of the school". There are many more answers if the question was "make the situation better for me" I was not trying to earn brownie points, I wanted honest opinions from both the wandering and betrayed spouses because like it or not, I hurt more than my own family when I chose to have an affair. I wish there was a way to take the pain away from my wife and the other bs, while not hurting anyone else.
We discussed it and we will likely keep the status quo for now and see how things go. We cannot predict the future and how any action now will impact future events.

Thank you for all the responses, even if some were heated. We expected hostety from this board and I think that is what we received.

[This message edited by sicktomy at 10:15 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
sicktomy
Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

7yrsflushed - current contact is incidental. My wife has seen the other bs 6 times since d day. Once we were at a class function and they were there (very close to d day). Twice she saw him picking up his kids after school and once she was stopped at the light and he pulled up beside and once driving while dropping our kids off at a party. She has seen the FOW 3 times as well. Once at the school function, once picking up our kids and FOW stuck her tongue out at her when she drove past and once at a birthday party. I have seen the FOW twice and both times my wife was there and incidents are listed above (party and school function. I have seen the other BS once driving and 3 times dropping our kids off late due to appointments as we know their schedule and try to avoid common times.

[This message edited by sicktomy at 10:14 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I wish there was a way to take the pain away from my wife and the other bs, while not hurting anyone else.

Yet your best proposed solution to this situation is essentially to bully he other BS with your presence? To deliberately set out to cause him anxiety?

I don't think this is a good topic for MC. I think it is a good topic for IC. This seems like a very immature response to the situation.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Nov 2010
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Sicktomy, I think that healing comes from changes that we make within ourselves versus trying to change outward circumstances. There will always be outward circumstances that may cause triggers for your BS. If she is confident in your remorse and reconciliation efforts it will help the two of you shoulder those triggers, together.

Wishing you both every success!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 347 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Sicktomy - How would you feel if someone had an affair with your wife, and then tried to intimidate you into pulling your kids out of their school?


"I would rather take a punch than not give you a shot. I'd rather find out who you are than who you're not."

Posts: 6297 | Registered: Dec 2010
HormonalWoman
Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

You have a very large sense of entitlement going on there.

Why are your kids more entitled to attend that school than the other couples kids? They're not, you're not more entitled to have your own way, you have no right to try and intimidate the other bs. Why would you want to anyway? I think that's an important question to ask yourself.

I'm quite appalled someone would want to do this or even think about it.


[This message edited by HormonalWoman at 1:41 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Together 13 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 243 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
losingmyground
Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

BS here. Pardon my French. lol. But if things are so hard for you to have the kids in the same school, why don't you transfer your kids to another school. It is not just on the other BS to make both families comfortable.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Let me see if I understand this correctly....

The other people should remove THEIR kids from the stable and consistent schooling they have been in so that YOU don't have to face the consequences of YOUR actions?

You cheated. You were the AP in this other couple's marriage. You need to man up. If it hurts your wife to see this family then YOU move your kids. Why should their kids suffer the consequences of your wife's feelings. they are just little kids stuck in the middle of the field where YOU threw a bomb. That's just cruel and unusual treatment of INNOCENT victims.

I call bologna on just "throwing that idea out here" as to not really do it. Really? If you were not planning on doing those things you would never have brought it up and asked our opinion. Instead you would have said something different.

The fact that you still don't get what you are suggesting as wrong makes me wonder what you really are doing at home to repair the damage that you created. If you don't care about the other betrayed spouse as an innocent human being that as a victim to YOUR actions...... Think of the children!

Also anyone knows that moving 2 children is easier than moving 4.

[This message edited by courageous at 3:06 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 623 | Registered: Jan 2012
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Eloquent or not I'm not positive that if your BW had posted the idea of supporting making the other BS anxious that it would have been taken differently. The idea itself is abhorrent. To purposely make yourself visible to cause someone else anxiety when you have already seen firsthand what its doing to your BW and she is experiencing it is shocking to say the least. Both of you need to figure out how being cruel to someone else in pain due to your actions even came up as an option to be asked about. The responders have been pretty equal BS to WS ratio and each of them has been equally disgusted and horrified. How did the two of you even get to this mindset?

[This message edited by Unagie at 2:41 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2644 | Registered: Oct 2012
jokes on me
Member
Member # 32077
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:44 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


me b/s 45
Her ww 40 dd 9/19/10
Married13yrs
TT tons
2beautiful kids R we will see!

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Jokes on me
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Courageous (and all BSs),

Please remember that this is the wayward forum and you are to post respectfully in here.
If you find that you cannot do that, please stay off the thread.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

There's no need for me to echo what the others have collectively said. I hope you don't run from this but instead have an open and honest discussion with your BS regarding this.

Although you created the mess, your BS is at just as much fault as you are for the idea. Her hiding behind you & having you post the idea so if it back fired you'd be left holding the pot then you throwing her under the bus when it got hot in here is something you two really should discuss & look at IMHO.

Sounds like the two of you are pretty immature and selfish. Fix yourselves and learn to grow together or your lives will always be full of strife and you'll both blame each other but never understand anything. SMH.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
sicktomy
Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Neither my BS or the other BS did anything to deserve the pain me and the affair partner caused and neither of them should have to deal with more pain. Our kids and their kids should not be impacted as well. For the pas 14 months I have picked up the kids on most days, unless something from work prevented that. This has been so my bs doesn't have anxiety and I've also tried to avoid the time while the other BS might be there. My BS is not hiding behind me, I am the one who messed up many lives so I posted this. We don't want to cause hurt or discomfort to the other BS. I truly am sorry for causing pain to many other people today by my post.


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I don't think you caused people pain so much as shock.

I remember when my FWH first really and truly faced what he had done, he was shocked at himself. There's a lot to be gained in stepping outside yourself and your behavior and looking at what you're doing from the outside in.

Instead of feeling picked on, please join us and review your initial post. Over and over. I've read it at least 10 times today.

Our hope for EVERYONE here is that we can learn how to do the right thing by others as well as ourselves.

I think IC would be an excellent step to delving into how this ever seemed ok. Compassion for others is a miracle of a personality trait, and I sincerely hope that you can learn to see the world through compassionate eyes.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16469 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Many BSs say that their partners' infidelity was forgivable, but that their behavior in the aftermath of discovery is not.

Will your wife like what she's seeing in the aftermath of your betrayal, or are you compounding the injury so severely that, when the dust settles, she will see not only a stranger, but a stranger with whom she has no desire to reconcile?

If you've convinced her that this is the way to relieve her discomfort, you have made her complicit, and that will severely compromise HER ability to heal. Far from loving, it is a selfish, harmful, morally reprehensible suggestion.

This kind remorseless entitlement is what ends MANY a marriage that might otherwise survive infidelity. Please explore the thought patterns that made it seem like even a possibility in IC. And please---apologize to YOUR wife for the injury the suggestion caused her. Because she may not yet know it, but it did.

Very, very sad

[This message edited by solus sto at 3:11 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8350 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

sicktomy, I can assure you that in my case, I was not pained at all by your post. Baffled and concerned, yes, but it did not hurt me to read it.

I am also not going to criticize your BS, who is probably raw and hurting. I'm sure she probably said, "I am sick of seeing them (OW and OBS). I want them out of that school." I said some very similar things. I know in my case, I was not looking for FWH to fix it (as much as I wished he could) but wanted him to be able to hear and acknowledge my pain. If he could come up with some option that would make it easier, all the better. Frankly, it would have horrified me if he had suggested torturing OBS with his presence in order to try and make me feel better. I expected him, as he grew, to be able to empathize and feel remorse toward MOW's BH, not be willing to twist the knife more. I looked for that empathy as a yardstick of progress on his part.

My opinion is that if you are thinking like this, even spitballing, then you have not reached a point where you are truly remorseful. And, quite frankly, I think that does not bode well for your R or for your BW being safe with you. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that is my read on the situation.

Do you have an IC?


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Nov 2010
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

The more I think about it I think what really shocks us is the idea of fixing the pain of the A by causing more pain. It just doesn't make sense and it is not dealing with the real issue... Just covering it up.

If I looked at this with less emotion what would you do if this guy, who you have thrusted yourself in his face to get him to leave, decided to physically harm you? I have heard of several betrayed men that wanted to do damage to the wife's AP. being more "available" and present increases the potential of a bad outcome.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 623 | Registered: Jan 2012
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I am also not going to criticize your BS, who is probably raw and hurting. I'm sure she probably said, "I am sick of seeing them (OW and OBS). I want them out of that school." I said some very similar things

Yep. Read that a few times in General. Understandably.

Consequences blow, and get on everyone, in some cases. Not just the offending parties.

I'm sure this is a tough situation for the BH and your BS. Horrible, in fact. Added to the torture is the fact the BH knew and didn't warn her. Everyone involved knew but her. I can't even imagine the rage and pain seeing these people on a daily, along with the fact her friend was everywhere in her house as she was trying to fuck her husband. Now isn't that special. I sooooo get that one. Mine did too. If I saw her everyday she'd be sporting tread marks.

I think working on yourself internally may help with the external. She is struggling and you don't seem to be proactive or empathetic. She posts she feels humiliated and you don't see why. You don't? Her partner in life, her good friend, her good friend's partner in life basically conspire to withhold her reality from her? Holy shit. Sharing jokes, conversations with those that know how you're being fucked over even as they speak?

She has no reason to feel humiliation as she was the only real blameless person in the group, but I sure as shit can see why she would.

I think starting to work at really feeling and seeing her pain, feeling what you trashed within yourself, will help you be proactive, responsive, driven to fix yourself and be there for her. That's an enormous bowl of suck she has to eat daily. Grab a spoon and help her.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
neverwantedaWW
Member
Member # 36015
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

As a BS, I think this is your only option. "1. Deal with my affair and it's consequences like adults".
First time I heard this."I hurt more than my own family when I chose to have an affair". Best of luck to you and yours.


Me: BS
WW EA/PA with coworker
DD OCT 14 2011
Married 19 years.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I am Sicktomy's BW.

I have neither hid behind him or threw him under the bus. I have been at work and simply don't have internet access while I am using my work network. He posted this as I am constantly saying "get HER out of the school". So yes, I get that this is my fault and I need to back off. He can't fix this. I need to put on my big girl pants and either "get over it" or pull my kids from the school.

We as a family have rearranged our schedule, missed friends' birthdays and tried to be as mature as possible in our dealings with the affair.

I told a mutual friend because I had backed out of several outings due to the AP being there. My friend is supportive and I have never asked her to take sides.

Am I proud of even considering this idea? Hell no. I'm humiliated that I have it in me to do that to someone else.

I want to thank cdnmommy and uncertainone for at least attempting to understand how emotion played into the decision to post here. We were hoping that this would be a safe place to use as a sounding board. Thank you for not reaming us with the same 2x4 over and over and over again.

We will continue to do everything in our power to avoid the AP, her BS and their children. We will not be forcing ourselves into their lives nor do anything to harm their children.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 459 | Registered: Apr 2012
Apple3point14
Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Sicktomy, This seems all about you. The logical thing seems to pull your kids out and put them in a different school. Separate yourself from ow and other bs and work on helping your betrayed wife

[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 4:46 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2013
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I can understand the desire to remove the other family. I can. Really. I've wanted to insulate my family from this whole mess and just focus on us - it seems to be really critical for my healing. So, if I was faced with this, I'd be thinking the same thing, even though it isn't fair to OBS or OBS' kids. Personally, I would not give a rat's ass about OW. But OBS and OBS' kids deserve more respect, as you already know.

I think you guys should remove your kids. I'm sure the school is amazing or you wouldn't want to stay so badly. However, I'm sensing so much stress, frustration, sadness. It sounds like you're both thinking of doing uncharacteristically mean things as a result of all of this negativity. If you are that far "gone" because of the presence of the other family...take your kids out. Your kids cannot be benefiting from the school so much as to outweigh such distressed parents. I don't think it is a matter of "putting on big girl panties" because, you know, many of us BS are already doing that to the 1000th degree (as are many WS). Sometimes you just need to know when you're just "piling on" more crap. Remove it. Remove the kids.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

This falls in line of the quote "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". If this was just Sicktomy, and coming from Sicktomy, then I would think it was quite selfish. But his BW's post is very enlightening:

He posted this as I am constantly saying "get HER out of the school".

This is one of those irrational requests coming from a very emotional person. On a very extreme side, this reminds me of the Army Private who killed a woman he cheated with because his BS effectively said the same words. The WS, in desperation, is coming up (and willing to do) ANYTHING to make it right to the BS.

Now I do agree that Sicktomy has a lot of issues to work on, but I think in this regard both he and especially his BS needs to re-examine things.

And honestly, just the fact that they agreed to post and get advice here is a good thing.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 6:35 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1180 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
sicktomy
Member
Member # 36479
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

We've talked about it and for now we won't make any decisions on schools etc as school and daycare are done in 3 days and closed for the summer. We will then evaluate how my bs is doing. We will balance that with what is best for our kids. We like that it is a small school of only about 200 students but my bs deserves to be happy and not feel like she is going to have a panic attack when she thinks about the situation. Rest assured that I will not be doing it on purpose to see the obs. He deserves the same respect as my wife as he was hurt too. We will continue marriage counselling as this is helping us a lot, especially since he also does give us individual things to work on.

[This message edited by sicktomy at 6:40 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me (WH - 37)
Her (BS - 35)zayda1
Married 7 years, together for 9
2 children (5 years & 2 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2012
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Sounds like a good plan, sicktomy.

I totally get wanting to end the pain. I'm glad you've stepped back to find another approach to that.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8350 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

My hope is that the two of you realize how close you are to becoming an ID channel show, but from the cold fury I sense, I don't think you do. Please get some help.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19817 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

Sicktomy, I encourage you to find another school. The current school may be truly wonderful, but surely it is not the only good school for your children. What are the things about the school that you and your BW like? Rank them. Note the one or two things that a school must have, and the one or two things that are completely unacceptable. Then start looking, and have your kids in a new school before the next school year starts.

Please. It is the kindest thing to do for all concerned -- your kids, their kids, the two BSs. And frankly, it will up the chances of you and your AP seeing or talking to each other. I don't see how you can have NC with the situation the way

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 8:57 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 841 | Registered: Sep 2012
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

I'm going to chime in late. I think that it's great that sicktomy (and his BS) are using this board to get input BEFORE putting anything in place. It seems they are both hurting and maybe not in the best place emotionally to make decisions so asking for advice is a really positive thing. I hope that most people here wouldn't feel constrained from asking for input, even if replies are from those who are aghast at it.


Me: BS 46
Him: LCB--lying, cheating bastard 50
D-Day 4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 533 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Sicktomy,

I feel so much pain in your situation. I don't know how your BS stands every day not knowing when or if she will encounter the OW, and to have to handle herself in front of her children when she does. This seems like the biggest torture, not a way to live life day by day. And to encounter the hostility of the OW with her childishly sticking her tongue out at her? In front of children? This is a toxic environment for all. Probably a move would work wonders, to a new neighborhood, new school. Sounds like your maybe assign more blame to the OW and thats why you went with the "get her out" option instead of leaving yourself. Or you want to avoid your children's disruption as you now want to protect your family as much as possible. But that can't be at the expense of the other BS, other children, which I think you know and didn't really want. I think there was desperation in your suggestion. It doesn't seem like the other family has any intention of leaving even if you think it would be easier for them than you. Please bring some harmony into your home by relocating, out of the school and the neighborhood where there would still be run ins. Hugs to your BS, I hope she can get through her days and find some peace for herself, her children, her family. After all,, with all the anxiety about this situation, you hurt your children as they have two anxious, upset, fearful parents. You need to insert harmony and peace at your home and you can't wait for other people's actions to make that happen. Be proactive.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 482 | Registered: Apr 2013
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

When kids are young, we parents think schools are just everything in life and if we get the school wrong, all will go wrong. Not true.

One of the "best" schools in our city turned out to have had some of the worst problems imaginable by the time my kid had graduated from a not-quite-as-good school. For an example, read online at how many pricey "Ivy League" feeder schools have had scandals with pervy teachers and faked test scores to understand that doing the best for your children may not necessarily be staying in the school everyone fights to get in for admittance.

Preschoolers won't fail in life if they learn French at home instead of in first grade.


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
sunandmoon
Member
Member # 10180
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 28th (Friday)

I'm chiming in here a bit late and everyone may have left the party but....

I am many many many years out (to the point where I "noted" it was dday antiversary several days after the actual day). In my case fOP was a close friend. Her children were close to my children. Over the course of the years (both immediately after and years along) our children have been at the same school, bday and holiday parties as well as on the same sports teams (where there is consistent contact sometimes several times per week). When it was new, and raw, I considered many times how to change it. Mostly, I considered pulling MY children out of the school/party/team as I held no ill will to her children that had no reason to be further hurt by the A. I put myself in the line of fire for the most part- being at school, dropping off and picking up at parties, going to games. For me it was less difficult than sending FWS and wondering what their contact might be.

Now, years later, its not even front of mind. She is a parent of children that my kids know. Nothing more or less. Sure that took time. But I sometimes think by toughing it out I created a natural coping mechanism. How much I love my kids, how much I cared for her kids was just bigger than a need to sooth my fear and pain. As it was, all of them suffered enough.

Again, this is MY situation. I just wanted to put out there that how you are both feeling now is not neccesarily how you will feel as time passes. But pulling your kids (or trying to out their kids) could have very long-lasting impacts for them. Ones they simply do not deserve.

sunandmoon


Posts: 1634 | Registered: Mar 2006
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, June 30th (Sunday)

Whatever your decision....make sure it includes you dealing with your actions by dealing with your children and spouse and not trying to force the other couple to do your job for you by proxy.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3956 | Registered: Aug 2007
nofool4u
Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

sicktomy

You have no legal grounds to keep their kids out of that school, much less the moral high ground to think they should go and you should get to stay.

And why would you want to cause anxiety to a BS? If you are wanting to do this, then it just may be the other BS could get a restraining order on you for harassment and you just might have to end up taking your kids out of that school.

Neither my BS or the other BS did anything to deserve the pain me and the affair partner caused and neither of them should have to deal with more pain. Our kids and their kids should not be impacted as well.

NOW you are talking sensibly.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 4:33 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

sicktomy,

i don't want to pile on here. I "get" that you are trying to do everything you can to right your wrong and support your WS. I also "get" that she is sick of running into the other people. I would hate that.

So.. i'm not going to condemn you for bouncing some ideas off here. True to form, the good people of SI have pointed out that it would be an unfair thing to do.

I just wanted to point out how dangerous it could be if you ever start thinking that way again. I don't know what the other guy is like. Maybe you can intimidate him, dominate him. But maybe you don't know him as well as you think. For example, people think I'm really easy going, because basically i am. But my WW's AP left the state because he was afraid of me. he literally left the state.

How do you know the other guy wouldn't try to kill you? You fucked his wife. You wouldn't be the first one murdered because of that, particularly if you started swaggering around trying to be a dick? KWIM? Doesn't have to be a big swaggering Texan to take you out. It could be a little, wimpy, quiet guy that can't handle the humiliation and betrayal anymore, that feels you took everything he has away from him, his pride, his wife, his dignity,and is ready to crack.


You don't know what other people are capable of. at least that's my opinion.

anyway, i wish you both luck.

[This message edited by mike7 at 10:09 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 520 | Registered: Mar 2013
mindbody
Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

I completely understand the feelings of your BS and NC. It's a lot easier to manage NC when children/schools are not involved.

We don't have the children in school dilemma. We have dealt with NC in a somewhat similar situation over the years. Like you, we did not expose or draw mutual friends and colleages into the affair details after D-Day. Because of that, it became clear that OW was going to let people believe her "trimmed down" version of what really happened. In other words, grossly minimizing the length of the A and denying the PA.

There are functions and events scheduled at WSO's place of business, WHERE the A began and progressed from EA to PA. Our R decision was if OW shows up, we are out of there. WSO runs these events with his employees. Some of the mutual people who thought they were in the know, didn't understand and questioned our decision. Why? Because they did not know the truth.

This whole thing turned around when several mutual friends(in different instances) asked WSO or said something to the effect that whatever went on wasn't any big deal, there wasn't any sex, etc. WSO stepped forward and admitted he had an affair with OW and it was also sexual. Initially I was upset that WSO had devulged information that we had agreed not to expose. Now I am very glad he did speak up.

This made a world of difference in our NC situation. OW lives out of town, has a home here, and when visiting always manages to return to WSO's place of business(and major location of the A) OW no longer shows up at the events or functions and if we hear or see that she is coming to his place of business, we arrange not to be there.

You could say we are doing everything we can to adhere to NC. I believe OW has backed off now that she knows WSO is prepared and willing to expose/admit the truth. People thought we were overacting until some of the truth was told by WSO.

You have your children to consider which must be an excruciating part of your NC and R. I truly believe that NC in our case was/is paramount. I feel very sorry for your BS in this situation. Her anxiety and pain are real. If you didn't have children/school, what would your course of action be regarding NC and what would you as a couple be willing to do as far as changing jobs, locations, etc.? Maybe that would be a good place to start and get some clarity as a united couple in R so that you can

do what is best for our family.

Posts: 298 | Registered: Mar 2010
MoreThanMe
Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 8th (Monday)

The two BS's should take the kids to school/events and be sure to shoot each other knowing- "why the hell did our spouses potentially screw this up for the kids"
That was my attempt levity. Sort of- I have to drive by the highschool where my WS had sex with the principal (not the biggest deal) every day and every fall I teach mock trial to students from said highschool and said principal shows up at competition- big deal. If I let it- but Ill be damned if I let some Ashley Madison- midlife crisis havin' civil servant pretendin' lady have one more minute of my life or use one more brain cell. You can't tell your wife to put her bitch boots on & not let your and the other WS poor decisions dictate the decisions your family makes, or where you guys go, or how she feels when sees her- but were your wife and I friends- that's my .02.


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2009
MoreThanMe
Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, July 8th (Monday)

I think I get what the two of you are thinking? Maybe? I'm not saying whether or not I agree with means though.
- you want to do anything to make things right with BS.
- one of those "any things" is to not have to see OW and for her children not to see her- be around her. I get that- my children have no idea- and will never if I can help it- but the thought of them being in the same room as OW makes me really squeamish for some unknown reason.
- with those two things in mind- the families need to exit each others' lives- and the two of you believe that it would be much easier/possible for them to leave the school.

It's the means to fix this mess the poor kiddos/family units that need some work. There's a workable solution? There has to be.


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2009
Topic Posts: 54