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User Topic: He told me he feels caged....
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 15th (Saturday)


He says he hasn't been out with friends in a really long time so he went to a BBQ tonight.

Caged?? Is this normal WS behavior?


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
allfalldown
Member
Member # 39324
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

My WH said something similar. He went to a ballgame tonight with guy friends. This is the first time out since dday.


Dday 5-10-13
1 year + EA/PA (still TT)
Me- BW
Him- WH
M- 15 years
2 kiddos
Today's forecast is foggy with a chance of D.

"Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie"


Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2013 | From: hell on earth
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

How come you could not go to the BBQ? Don't you eat BBQ?

How about the ballgame...You don't like Baseball??

I am not saying that you must go everywhere with your WH but they need to understand that the dynamics of the marriage has changed.

HELLO, they had an A behind your back and sometimes right in your trusting face!

So maybe the convo could go like this~

"Hey hon, do you want to go with me to the BBQ/Ballgame? I would love for you to be there with me." Then you say because you would like for them to feel that you are starting to trust them again, "No babe, I'm good, go enjoy your friends, I'll be here with a little 'surprise' when you get home "

SEE, its easy!

Anything less from them lets you know that they don't get it. Your not their mom, your their lover, they should want you around them.

Sheesh!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

I dont understand why you weren't invited.

If I feel caged, I would want to go out with people I love to be around...so, hey, why not take my lovely wife out and share some good memories!

Sometimes, guys do just hang out together, I guess. Mine had some guy friends who just hung out in the mechanics garage and drink beer.

But then again, maybe he just said that and he was with another prostitute. Idk.

It's sad when the trust is gone. Everything is questioned. But that should be expected, especially by the lying party.


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

I said he should take me and he said it was guys only.

I said that makes no sense. I said given everything he should take me. He again said its just guys. So I asked if ow was going to be there he said I don't know. So much for guys only.

He doesn't get it. He doesn't want to spend time with me or his daughter.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

This may have been extreme but, my h didn't go anywhere alone for over a year after dday. I just wasn't comfortable with it-so he didn't. He also never complained about it. Ever. If he had I may have moved out (I did for a time eventually-but that's another story). Anyway, he knew to expect a HUGE reaction if that need was violated.

Interestingly, I'm normally the one in the relationship who needs the most 'me' time. It took quite a while and a whole bunch of healing for my solitary ways to return.


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
MystiKay
Member
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

Wow...i am so sorry. What a jerk thing to do. The minute he said "I don't know" to the OW question, that should have made him realize it was not the best thing to go to the BBQ, with or without you.

And baseball, I am not a fan, but he could have at least invited you!!! After My DD this past year ALL extra activities stopped.


Posts: 282 | Registered: Aug 2012
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

He again said its just guys. So I asked if ow was going to be there he said I don't know


W.T.F.????? What a completely OBVIOUS contradiction to his insistence that it was 'guys only'. If the BBQ was definitively 'guys only', then the response to your question should have been "hell no, stung. I TOLD you that it's 'guys only'." But he replied with the oh-so-lovely "idk." He's a jackass.

To answer your question....Sure. Feeling 'caged' is normal WS behavior....if your WS is UNREMORSEFUL!!!


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8078 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

...So I asked if ow was going to be there he said I don't know.

WTF!!! This is what I mean by cheating right in your face.

What kind of moron would go to a 'guys only'BBQ with the possibility of the OW being there and then admit to it?!?

I don't mean to sound harsh but why do you put up with that?? He has de-humanized and Mommie-fied you so that he can step on you with impunity. Please don't let Mr. SBT treat you like a doormat. Please.

You need to find your Bitch Boots and drop kick his crap to the curb.

((((stungbytravel))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
sammie
Member
Member # 7785
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

Getting to happy is 100% right.

You need to open the cage door and set him free!

And by that I mean put all his shit in garbage bags, throw it on the lawn and change the locks.

Hugs.

[This message edited by sammie at 4:41 AM, June 16th (Sunday)]


If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you.
Never give more of yourself than you are getting back.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~Ernest Hemingway


Posts: 5818 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Australia
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

He is suppose to move out soon

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

If he is moving out soon, let him go and take care of you.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

If I could figure out how to let him go, I would.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

There is no magic way to let someone go.

It will take time, so until you get there you fake it til you make it. Pretend you don't give a shit about him, 180 and let him believe you are content to move on.

Why would you want someone to believe you love them with all you are when they sit back and treat you like crap?

No, start doing things for you, spend your days with friends and family, walk out of the house with a "see you later" and go for the day.

Don't let him walk on your heart anymore.

It will hurt, but his treatment is so much worse than being alone IMO.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

Oh then he is still cheating still he if on his way out the door. I bet other woman was there. "I don't know" is the universal cheater response for, "I don't want to lie but I am damn sure not telling you the truth". His behavior says it all, she was there and he is still seeing her. Fuck him, start the 180 and move on from his ass.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

How to do it? I know the BBQ is over, but, like the other poster said, put his stuff in bags and change the locks for a fun surprise when he gets back.

I did it! It was the most wonderful gratifying feeling ever!


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 16th (Sunday)

As much as I would love to put his stuff in a bag and leave it outside, I want the house and he has agreed to leave. He could make it much more difficult and if it goes before the court I won't get the house because of the minor child. She is barely a minor but an attorney has already advised me place nice if he will agree to leave.

This day cannot go any slower.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
NoMorDeceit
Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

"Caged" is shorthand for I can't do what I want when I want and that almost always involves seeing/screwing the OP.

No, remoreseful spouses who have ended the affair and accepted that being married means you don't get to date, do not say they feel "caged" when they have to either spend time with their spouse or be accountable for where they are going.

He didn't want you there because he was bringing the OW, since he has told you he is leaving, I'm sure he has told her and all his buddies he is divorcing so he can have her around now.

You need to focus on you and not him or his fucked-upness. I'm sorry. I hope he leaves soon so you don't have to put up with this.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 537 | Registered: Apr 2009
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, June 16th (Sunday)

He's still cheating. If he's "supposed" to move out soon, maybe he needs his shit packed into hefty bags and out on the front lawn for him to take when he gets back from the BBQ to help him along.

He's being an ass. You can give him the choice of staying home from events like this or have the consequences I mention above. He definitely does not sound like someone who is working on their marriage. He can choose on his own what road he wants to take but you need to follow through with whatever you decide what the consequence is.

((hugs))


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 17th (Monday)


I don't think he is working on the marriage either.

I went out yesterday and stayed out for most of the day. He went and looked at houses to rent with his daughter but I got the impression from her it didn't go so well.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 17th (Monday)

Oh my dear stungbytravel.

I am so sorry that you are going through this crap storm. I can feel your pain in your posts...

Well if your Attorney said play nice, then so be it. But he did not say be a doormat.

It's 180 time. Detaching and ignoring is a way to protect your heart. Please look it up in the yellow box to the left.

Now is the time to turn inward, focus on you and your children. Being blindsighted by the A is bad enough but being abused while separating is unacceptable.

Okay, maybe you can't bring out your bitch boots with the chrome spikes and rotating blades...perhaps some delicate Jimmy Choo bitch stilettos with a sharpend heel... something to think about

Sending you strength and light.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
cancuncrushed
Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 17th (Monday)

I would and have done 180. It begins to protect your heart. I also would play nice but you can at least pack his winter clothes, hardly used items, momentos. Get some boxes. It may send several messages, one of help. And would make things speed up and it would take less time on moving day. Make a stack and he can look at it. daily. Its healing. Get some backbone. In a less aggressive way.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 948 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 17th (Monday)

((((stung)))) Sending you strength, honey.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25726 | Registered: Aug 2011
Nailinmyforehead
Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Things like this drive me nuts as a BS. My WW is doing everything I could ask for her to do without complaint. I look at the big picture and the fact that this guy has a faithful wife at home willing to give him a chance to make right?> I would love to have a faithful wife, and sure as heck would do whatever it took to make my marriage right. What you have given him is a gift. A gift of R, and he should realize it.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 135 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Caged?? Is this normal WS behavior?

I can only speak for me, but yes, I felt very caged. I am not saying it wasnt warrented, but I went from a very independant woman who didnt have to ask for permission to do anything at any time.

To a woman who couldnt even walk into another room without it being an issue. Saying that a WS world becomes totally enclosed is an understament.

Again, not saying that it isn't warrented, but our whole lives is now under someone elses view. Our computers, phones, cars, friends, they are all optional now. If we are asked to give them up - we have to.

I became desperately lonely for a good 2 1/2 years and i had a really hard time with it. I felt like a repremanded teenager that had to ask mommy to use the phone to call someone - and i was grounded so there was no way i was going to ask to go out to play.

I know that sounds horrible, but I am just being honest on how it felt.

I understand the need for it all, I understood that i put myself there, but it didnt change that I went from one style of living to the complete opposite in a matter of hours.

The difference is that I never demanded to do something, I never just up'd and left. I never put my feelings before DH's in the situation - I suffered only here when i needed to vent out.

I think feeling caged is normal, acting out and stuff - that's not really normal.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 25