SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Letting Go...
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Wink  Posted: 3:22 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

I write this as my husband and I are 19 months into R. It has been a rocky road and not easy but it is getting better.

Healing is a PROCESS so please do not misconstrue this to mean this applies to someone newly in R or those still struggling. I am simply sharing my experience where I am grateful to find myself today.

=========================

Infidelity is a very serious crime, however that does not mean it comes with a life sentence for either the betrayed or the wayward spouse.

***If the WS has truly shown remorse and is working 200% at understanding the reasons of the A as well as helping the BS heal.

At some point the affair fall out has to end. This means a conscious effort has to be made by the BS to begin letting it go. Notice I say begin, as with everything else having to do with infidelity recovery this is a process over time.

I have started to gauge my need to react and its severity. I had a habit of letting my triggers play themselves out in my head. Once the initial fight or flight response passed I made a decision to either discuss it with my husband or not. In the beginning, most triggers were discussed, but gradually the number declined. I know it seems unfair, why should we suffer and not our WS the cause of the trigger in the first place, but we have to claim control over ourselves once again.

Overtime, the control I was gaining over the affair's hold on me bolstered my confidence and I became stronger and the triggers began to happen less and less often.

I still don't feel as if I have claimed that whole person but I am working on it.

I know that it will be well worth the unfairness of having to let go of sharing every trigger with my husband.

I applied this same mindset to general arguments that had a tendency to always end up being about the affair.

When the need to bring it to the affair arose, I did a lot of lip biting. Difficult but well worth the reward of eventually being able to not make my life always about the affair. IT WILL NOT DEFINE ME.

Another thing I began trying to do at was to let go of the labels. I did not want to see myself as a BS anymore so stopped thinking of myself as one.

Likewise, I had to stop seeing my husband as a WS in order for this to work.

It's a marathon folks, not a sprint. One day and step at at time.

One way or another we will make it through. Different, changed...but OKAY...

Good luck and keep moving.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:39 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013
Searchingforhope
Member
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

You make alot of sense. Thanks for writing this. It is something that I was ready to hear.

I'm sure that there are many in different stages of this and may not be ready for these steps.

I pray they get there.


Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12
Reconciling


Posts: 130 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Nice work, 1Faith. And you sure have done a lot of work.

My favorite line from you when I first posted here:


IT WILL NOT DEFINE ME.

Love it, love it. It keeps me going on a daily basis.

Congrats on your accomplishments, my 1Faith. :)


Me-BW 35. STBXH-35,active alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 little boys. M 6yrs T13.
Year+ false R & TT from Dday1 Nov 2012 IEA - Feb 2014 count at 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) for 3 years that I know of.
Filed for D.

Posts: 816 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
nekokamisama
New Member
Member # 38695
Happy  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

What a great post! I pray for help to forgive and let it go everyday and slowly but surely it is beginning to happen.

When the need to bring it to the affair arose, I did a lot of lip biting. Difficult but well worth the reward of eventually being able to not make my life always about the affair. IT WILL NOT DEFINE ME.

This is beautiful, thank you.


Me: BS/FWH 46
Her: FWW/BS 39
OM: 32 3-month EA/PA
Married: 11 years
2 Sons: 7,19

D-Day 2004 (my EA/PA, her EA almost PA)
D-Day 2005 (her EA)
D-Day 8/28/2012 (TT her EA)
D-Day #2 7/22/2013 (more TT)
D-Day #3 7/24/2013 (Truth 2.0 EA/ PA)
In R


Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2013
heavyheart1
New Member
Member # 37496
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Thanks for posting. I'm so far for there, but this is inspiring and gives me hope I, too, might make it there.


BW 34 (me)
WH 39
1 beautiful daughter
D-Day 5/20/2012
Riding the R-oller coaster

Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2012
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

Thank you for this post....

I am 14 months out. I am at this spot. Our fights do always seem to somehow make it back to the A. My triggers I have been talking about ...always.

My last IC session this week, we discussed just this. That I may be over-talking the issue. This is generated by me, I am tired of talking about it.

What you say makes alot of sense. I am coming around to the fact that I may be doing some lip biting moving forward.

Right now I am kind of angry about that...the unfairness of that. You said it so well. It is unfair that I have to suffer AND bite my lip. How did you reconcile this? Was it a conscious choice?


Me BS 42
Him WS 44
OW Coworker
DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl


Posts: 1302 | Registered: Jun 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, June 13th (Thursday)


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, June 13th (Thursday)

Brilliant post. Thanks for sharing!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 18yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 782 | Registered: Oct 2012
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Dear Broken -

You asked:

Right now I am kind of angry about that...the unfairness of that. You said it so well. It is unfair that I have to suffer AND bite my lip. How did you reconcile this? Was it a conscious choice?

I have felt a great deal of anger. A great deal. For a few months I was raging almost everyday so know that I believe this is personally normal. Have you read the 5 stages of grief and how it applies to infidelity? It is really good and helped me come to terms with my emotions. I can send it to you if you'd like.

It is a daily choice for me now to decide that NOTHING today will be about the affair. So, yes it is a conscious choice. EVERY day.

I believe I reconciled it because I was sick of it. Sick of talking about it, sick of obsessing over it, sick of trying to understand it. I was just done with the whole thing.

Now mind you this was about 16 months post Dday so I did all of the above for well over a year.

I also believe I finally started to let my guard down and trust that my husband was truly sorry, remorseful and wanted to be a better man.

I could either choose to live in purgatory or move on. I am choosing to move on.

I didn't need to punish him or myself anymore.

I did the 180 on the affair. I detached from the affair. And gave myself the gift of living again.

It hasn't been easy and I am sure I will trigger somewhere down the road but for today, this is where I am.

Good luck.

(((hugs)))


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013
littledebbie
Member
Member # 35210
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

1Faith, I think we may be connected today...Its been 20 months today since dday and I could have written your post myself. I have had a lot of triggers lately, some personal, some by association, but I like you have decided to push through and not bring them up to my H. It's mine to deal with and we have been doing so well I don't want to bring them up. Just yesterday my best friend said "I'm so proud of you for the way you have handled this, I don't think I could have dealt with it with the maturity that you have." It made me feel so good to hear that from her because I look to her the most for support. I still have my moments don't get me wrong, I'm still a work in progress but looking back on the last 20 months, I've come a long way.

[This message edited by littledebbie at 2:09 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


Me-BS 40
Him-WS 40
Married 20 yrs.
Kids-16&13
DDay-Oct.13, 2011
R'ing-Going well

Posts: 55 | Registered: Apr 2012
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Another thing I began trying
to do at was to let go of the labels. I did not want to see myself as a BS anymore so stopped thinking of myself as one.

Likewise, I had to stop seeing my husband as a WS in order for this to work.

Even at 4+ yrs out I need to hear this again.

Thank you.


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

1Faith, thank you for your insight and perspective. It gives me hope that one day I may be where you are. I have been triggering for the past few days and maybe, just maybe, I am ready to start reclaiming my relationship with my H and not let the A take over.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 327 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

I agree with you 1Faith. I have CHOSEN to be happy and LET IT GO! It's gradual and I'm still taking baby steps, but as unfair as it is, it is a step in the right direction. I do not want to be the victim anymore. I do not want a pitty party, I want to be happy again. I choose to be happy again.

My WW will have to deal with the mess she made and the mess inside of herself the same way.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Me Plus 4 -

I see from your post that you are still relatively new in the process of healing.

Healing is possible but takes time. Give yourself the freedom to feel everything good and bad you need to feel.

I wish you luck.


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nailinmyforehead
Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Thanks so much for these words today. They really give me hope. 4 1/2 months out and triggering hard the last few days. I pray every day to get to that point, and it is refreshing to know that it can be attained with hard work. I needed to read this today, and am thankful to you for putting your thoughts down.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Dear Nail

You can do it if you both are vested. It is not easy and it is a long road but it can happen.

Honesty, IC and MC were essential for me.

It's still new to you so be patient with yourself. It does take time and lots of pain, emotions and tears in between.

Good luck.

(()hugs)))


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013
Undone1
Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, June 14th (Friday)

This post needs to go in the Healing Library. The words are so helpful and I would like to read them again when I am having a bad day. A's magnify our weaknesses. If you are an obsessive sort, you will be haunted with obsession. At some point, the BS has to make a decision to heal, to actively work on forgiveness, to not give the power to the OW, to work on being still, to work on letting go and not letting your thoughts control your life.

My therapist finally said "you have to begin taking responsibility for your thoughts/feelings/behavior" I was not ready to hear that punishing my fWH needed to stop. I was so scared that if I let up on reminding him, that he would do it again. It took lots of fighting with my demons to remind myself that I couldn't control him or his actions. If he was going to have another A, I would be gone. I want to be a survivor, not a victim. I have to admit that being a victim is easier some days! It does not seem fair that they shattered our hearts and now we each have to fix our own lives!

With all that said, I am human too, I make mistakes, I have weaknesses. It was not until I started focusing on me that I started to heal. Obsessing on the past is ultimately not helpful.

I read SI nearly everyday and find hidden gems and pearls of wisdom, which are so wonderful. I am very grateful today for 1Faith's insights!


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
2yrs+recovering
Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Ditto on all Undone has said.

This should be in the healing library.


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
Pudding
Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 14th (Friday)

Thank you. This is a great inspiration. I also agree it shuold go into the Healing Library.


I will keep looking at this post. Thank you.


Posts: 220 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
NotsureIcan
Member
Member # 38113
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Thank you for writing this, I really needed to hear it today as I am in exactly the mindset you described.
I don't want to be labeled or label my WH . He is doing everything right but some days I'm still shocked by the fact that HE DID IT!!! I'm trying so hard so that we both can heal. Some days I want to crawl in a hole though....

D-day 11/06/12
R one day at a time


Posts: 116 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Florida
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, June 15th (Saturday)

Thanks everyone for your kind response. I am glad it resonated with so many. Good luck and keep moving. You can do it. Hugs


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 21