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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Fear vs. reality
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I've been thinking about doing a post like this for awhile -- ever since tryingagain did a fantasy vs. reality post for the WS. There's been a lot of talk about fear lately, so my hope is that some of us who are further along down the path can provide positive inspiration for those who are just starting, or who know they need to start but are too afraid to do so.

Fear: disappointing my family (we don't get divorced), friends distancing themselves from me because they didn't want me trying to steal their husbands, being lonely since I'd distanced myself from most of my friends due to XWH's social problems.

Reality: my family stepped up in amazing ways. I am closer to my parents and siblings than ever before. Friends are amazing -- they send their husbands to my house to help me move or lift things. I go out with several different couples -- just the 3 of us -- and it's not awkward or strange. I've reconnected with old friends and made many new friends.

Fear: money concerns. I found out I was losing my job right before D-Day. XWH and I had an agreement that I didn't have to work once that happened since I'd put him through med school and he was just about to make a doctor's salary. I visited a recruiter after D-Day and he told me I'd be lucky to make 50% of my then-current salary, given the job market. No kids, so no CS, and laws in my state are terrible -- I was basically a one-woman scholarship fund for XWH -- so no alimony, either.

Reality: I got an amazing job where I make more than triple what the recruiter said I'd make. I'll be out-earning XWH in a couple of years. I am buying my dream house in two weeks.

Fear: living alone. I went from my parents' house to college roommates to married. How would I do everything that XWS used to do, all on my own?

Reality: XWS didn't really do all that much. It's not so hard being an adult! I have become a much better cook, handylady, and manage my life really well.

Fear: dating. I'd never dated as an adult, as XWH and I got together when I was 20. How do I do it? Will men be interested in me? ARGH!!!

Reality: I'm currently taking a break from dating, but there is lots of interest out there. It's really not that tough, and the knowledge I've gained from reading about relationships has served me well -- allowing me to break things off when red flags appear and hold out for someone who truly is wonderful. Also, there is so much more out there to life than romantic relationships. I've been having so much fun!

Summary: I was a mess at D-Day. I seriously considered suicide. I found a great IC, read a lot, ran a lot, and worked on myself. I am now happier than I have been, probably ever in my life. XWH wanted to R. Of course, since he couldn't find a job in the city where he did his fellowship, that would have meant me giving up my fabulous new job as well as my support system. I asked him to sign a post-nup where he would cover the difference between whatever job I could find and the job I was giving up if I had to divorce him for future infidelity. If he didn't cheat, this wouldn't come into play. He refused, stating that it was punitive, and I should just trust him to be faithful. And so I divorced him, which was the best thing I could have done.

There is a wonderful life out there. There are people who are honest, faithful, nice, and kind. Surround yourself with them. Life is way too short to make decisions out of fear. As they always say, leap and the net will appear.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Great post! A lot of this applies to me, so thanks for that..

I was scared to lose some of my friends, but come to find out they totally have my back, and that's a great feeling..

The money situation certainly sucks, especially since I do have kids and now we have to have two of basically everything, but I'm lucky to have always had a job I love.. Congrats on your flourishing career!!

I have never lived alone either, but WH was really like a third kid for me, so it's definitely tons easier

I've also never dated as an adult. I dated a guy for 5 years until I was 21 and started dating WH very soon after and had been with him for over 12 years.. My biggest thing right now is being happy with myself first, and then finding someone. Broken attracts broken, and I don't need a "savior" from my depression and sadness right now, and I certainly don't want to "save" anyone else, so I'm taking a break and waiting for something healthy to come along, hoping that I'm healthy enough to create something great out of it..

Thanks for the great post. Someone posted one time something that basically said, "Sometimes a door closes, and you look so longingly at the door and focus on it for so long, you don't realize the other doors that have opened." I'm certainly going to keep my eyes peeled for my new beginnings and everything that I can fill my life with now that I've dropped that huge anchor of crap that I carried for way too long

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 7:19 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2110 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Love it! I think it really does help to see that others have experienced the same fears and that their realities totally kick those fears in the pants. I'll add a few:

Fear: Well, except for my family, who I knew would be on my side all the way, I was afraid of the shame when I told others what had happened.

Reality: EVERYONE I talked to thought that STBX was a first-class doosh and that I was absolutely right to leave him. That reality also gave me the extra impetus I needed to move forward since I was paralyzed with this next fear...

Fear: Making it on my own-- he took care of the bills. He did the outside work (well, whatever he didn't hire someone else to do). He did the investing.

Reality: Well, I did have a lot to learn about finances at first, but I marvel at how much more money I save on my piddly salary + CS and how I don't have to have an MBA in finance to invest my earnings. Although my dad and brother have certainly helped me with house projects, I have been able to do quite a bit on my own, which has been tremendously empowering.

Fear: I'm a pretty independent person, but I was also afraid of what life would be like on my own. Just like phmh, I went from my parents' home to being married, so except for the year that I was living by myself while getting my graduate degree, I had never really lived by myself.

Reality: I love being on my own! I love having total control over my social life, not worrying about rushing back to someone who expects me to be home by a certain time, taking the kids places that we enjoy without dealing with STBX being bored, whiny, annoyed, etc. While I'd love to meet someone wonderful and be in a relationship again, I have really enjoyed being single and wish that I hadn't been in such a rush to "couple up" when I was younger. When I see happy couples, I just remember that I wouldn't be like that if I were still with STBX and that even though my circumstances are different, I am happy-- just because I don't have a SO doesn't mean that I can't be happy.

Fear: My kids would buy into the present buying, special outings, and other superficial tactics employed by STBX and the OW.

Reality: It's early days yet, but so far, no matter what, they always want to be with me. It's not that they don't love their dad; it's just that I think they somehow know, deep down, that I'm the real deal who will be there for them no matter what. I'll have to check in again when they're teenagers and want nothing to do with me, though.

Keep on adding to the list, everyone!


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3575 | Registered: Oct 2011
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

**Waving hand and wiggling ecstatically**
My turn!!

Fear: I had been out of work for several years, first following ex-shat around being the good, supportive wife and then as a SAHM. I was worried it would take forever to get a job in an area that I'm not originally from and where I didn't know anyone.

Reality: I didn't get any calls for the 12 or so teacher appliations that I put in. But I did get a call for a teacher's aid position, which two months into the school year led to me replacing a fired teacher and so I got a teacher's salary and benefits! My principal is very happy with me and at my review, since she knew that I'm actually licensed in other areas, begged me to stay and if I wanted a job in one of those other areas that when a retirement came up that I could have a job in my content area!

Fear: I wouldn't be able to parent my son on my own.

Reality: I'm a better parent now than I've ever been. Losing the emotionally draining vampire that I like to call ex-shat has freed me to love myself again. I have not loved myself in years. YEARS! It took lots of IC to get there but now that I'm confident in myself and my abilities, I can be completely whole and present with my child. It makes a huge difference.

Fear: I wouldn't be able to keep up on the house. Ex-shat left me with a shit ton of half-baked remodeling projects. The yard is nearly an acre. It needs extensive landscaping. It needs to have several things 'undone' to it that ex-shat did.

Reality: I have an awesome family that even though they are spread across the country, have pulled together to spend 'vacations' at my place getting her fixed back up. I have learned and done a lot myself. I just tackle one project at a time, complete it and move on to the next...I know, not rocket science...but steadily trudging through that list and being willing to learn how to do shit has helped.

Fear: On a teacher's salary, I will never get ahead, never take vacations or do the cool things that ex-shat's huge ass salary can afford. I'd always feel financially insecure.

Reality: Ex-shat spends money like crazy...we never had much left over and I was forever trying to get him to save and not spend. On a teacher's salary, I've paid off my lawyer, bought a new car and have a couple little weekend get-aways planned. I've been able to save for myself and my son. After another year of being careful, I should have all my financial shit well in hand and be able to start saving for some dream vacations.

Fear: I would have no social life. I let msyelf get socially isolated with ex-shat. I adopted his family and his couple of friends. I defined myself completely through him and his goals and dreams and desires.

Reality: I've learned that I'm a pretty fucking awesome person. On these boards, I come across as a very different person than what I am in reality. In reality, I am exceedingly reserved, quiet, unengaged and shy. At least I used to be. I started working with my IC to try to let pieces of my online persona out in real life. I've discovered that people really like me and I've started to make a couple of good friends. I have the beginnings of a social life that is 100% unconnected to ex-shat...and that feels so wonderful.

I firmly believe that going through the infidelity and divorce has made me into a much better person. I think it forced me to address some of my issues that made me pick someone like ex-shat as a partner. I am stronger and more confident now. I am no longer hopeless and wishing for oblivion like I was in the month leading up to D-day. Divorcing that piece of shit was one of the best decisions that I've ever made.

[This message edited by tesla at 8:09 AM, June 1st (Saturday)]


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4610 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

This is so good for 'newbies' to see. Fear can be paralyzing; realizing that life goes on makes a world of difference.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20035 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
CallMeRed1
Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I still have a lot of those fears but I'm gradually coming around to realising the reality now is so much brighter and happier than it ever would have been before.

Well done you for not "trusting" him to be faithful at post-nup time.

This is such a positive post. Thanks for sharing it.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 186 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

Thank you for posting this. My husband has been purchasing prostitutes for awhile now. Just found out...
Im scared of divorce, but I know to stand my ground.
I don't have any realities yet. But I would like to post my fears and later, after divorce, see how silly my fears were.
Fear: having visitation be a torturous experience for myself and my kids
Plan: be cordial. Have grace. No name throwing. Don't drag kids through my emotional turmoil. They didn't have a choice in who there dad is.
Fear: money, money, money. I pay all of the bills except child care. Now having two kids, I don't know how I will afford it.
Plan: pay off car in march of next year. Start couponing!
Fear: husband won't be able to afford child support
Plan: he won't be able to afford child support. He'll end up in jail for it or something. When he's in jail, he will get the opportunity to be someone else's prostitute. See how he likes it! Anyway, I will have my car paid off and I will work hard at my job and save as much as possible. I'll deal.
Fear: lawyers! Lots of money to lawyers. Lawyers doing backhanded things to hurt me. Maybe take my kids? Maybe ask me to pay child support?
Plan: he is being divorced bc of many, many prostitutes. Starting less than a month after we were married. Probably some before. And as it turns out, he's also a registered sex offender. What kind of a judge would award him kids? It will be worth the money for a good lawyer.
Fear: him coming back and begging for me to forgive him.
Plan: purchase a big German Shepard named Jeff and teach him the command "get him, Jeff!"


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
Bebba1171
Member
Member # 33857
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

PHMH - this is such an outstanding post. Just amazed by it. Your friendship has been so very important to me. Did not know the extent of what you had to deal with.

Tesla - really enjoyed reading yours as well.

Both of you are totally awesome women that are so wonderful in so many ways - smart, athletic, beautiful, personable, well spoken, etc. etc. etc.


These dipsticks you were married to did you a favor. Both of you are better off without them.

Your only problem is that for some strange reason, you don't find older, fatter, balding, dumber men attractive! lol


Divorced by Interlocutory decree in May 2012. WW had an affair with a 66 yo doctor she worked for.
D-Day Sept 16. 2011.
BH- 52 (Me) / XWW 50 - ages back in 2011
Two great kids that don't deserve this!

Posts: 726 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I firmly believe that going through the infidelity and divorce has made me into a much better person. I think it forced me to address some of my issues that made me pick someone like ex-shat as a partner. I am stronger and more confident now. I am no longer hopeless and wishing for oblivion like I was in the month leading up to D-day. Divorcing that piece of shit was one of the best decisions that I've ever made.

A-freking-men sister!

I'm pretty bloody awesome and I think you're awesome too.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Fear: him coming back and begging for me to forgive him.
Plan: purchase a big German Shepard named Jeff and teach him the command "get him, Jeff!"

Can't help my vulgar mind here.. This totally makes me think of the movie "Stand By Me." Have you seen it? I'd be teaching that dog, "Chopper, sick balls."

Big hugs to you Athena. I think it's great the way you are taking all your fears and putting a plan in place for what will happen if they come true.. I get so much anxiety sometimes from worrying what will happen next, but if I just think of the worst possible thing and try to figure out how I will accept and deal with it, I can relax a little and focus on staying in the present. Great post. I really like your style


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2110 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

phmh, I was reading your post while waiting for my daughter's weekend class. I started crying while I was waiting.

I have many of the fears that you articulated. My DH and I are not officially separated (by notary), but he has checked out completely. He does not talk to me, does not say good morning, does not say good night. He will move out in less than one week. We have not told our small child, but she probably senses something based on her behavior. A couple days ago, she asked how old her grandfather (father's father) was when he married his 2nd wife.


Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, June 7th (Friday)

Saw more mention of fear today, so wanted to bump this up. More submissions always welcomed :)


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
beforeandafter
Member
Member # 37618
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

As someone new to the whole D/S area in this nightmare, I would like to thank OP for this gem of a thread. The uncertainty in my life at present is heavy, for sure. I find myself looking at others' fears and closely identifying with them. Here are a few of my fears:

Fear: I too, isolated myself socially. My stbxw was incredibly antisocial. Because I centered my life around her and her son, I lost contact with many of them. Since she has moved out, I have reconnected with a few. One even told me that part of the reason he didn't ever visit anymore was because she was such a judgemental B. Friends are telling me they could never understand why someone as funny and outgoing would ever be associated with someone like her.

Unfortunately, that's the only fear that I have a positive reality to associate with. That's not to say other fears have negative realities, but uncertainty clouds over so much.

Thank you again for the awesome thread.


Married 6-10-11
DDay 11-17-2012
DDay #2 6-5-13
Divorced 9-23-13

Posts: 123 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

phmh, how did I miss this thread originally? It is amazing.

Fear can be paralyzing in the beginning.

Fear: After not working for 10 years, I will never find a job.

Reality: I am now back in school full time and creating a new career for myself. I worked it out with EX to pay for me to go to school and raise my kids a few more years.

Fear: I will never date again.

Reality: Totally not true. Dated. Several people. Just have to learn to date for the RIGHT reasons when you are health.

Fear: I will never have sex again.

Reality: There are really good BOB's you can purchase!

Fear: I will never stop crying.

Reality: 3 years post D-day. There are days now that EX doesn't even cross my mind.

Fear: I will not survive as a single parent.

Reality: Stay organized, let some things go, and I am kicking ass as a single mom in school full time.

Time heals. You grow and learn...if you are smart. If you stay in the fear, you won't experience the joy a new life can bring you.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4113 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Been about a month since this has been bumped and my reality has been so amazing lately that I wanted to bump up again -- feel free for others to contribute!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Fear: I wouldn't be able to afford to support myself and my animals (2x dogs 2x horses).

Reality: I have more money now that I am not paying for his whores or alcohol.

Fear: He was my best friend I will be lonely.

Reality: He was a "traitor in my fox hole" (love that line) and being alone is sooooo much better than the lonely I felt trapped in the relationship.

Fear: I am worthless and don't deserve love.

Reality: I am starting to realise my value and worth. I am happier and more relaxed than I have ever been in my life (daily comments on my radiating peace, didn't realise what an unhappy biatch I seemed before )

Fear: I would be stuck in the misery that was the relationship forever. If I left it would be the biggest mistake of my life because, you know, he will grow up and be the person I thought he was or could be and I would lose out.

Reality: I was pushed out of the "normal" and the new life is so much better than I could ever have dreamed. He is not who I thought he was and as such could never be who I thought he would grow up into. I am no longer trapped in that misery generating cycle and my life is mine.

Its 'funny' to look back on what kept us trapped, now that the fears are faced they seem so small and pathetic.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Oh I had lots of these same fears. Fears for my children, fears for my financial security all of it.

The main one being I would regret leaving him.

Reality: I regret not doing it years earlier.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, July 5th (Friday)

The main one being I would regret leaving him.

Reality: I regret not doing it years earlier.

+10000 for this, its something I am working through.

I regret not leaving him 12 years ago when he first showed me who he really was.

But I guess you live and learn, all I can do from here is not repeat those same mistakes. Working on forgiving myself is a process every day.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, July 5th (Friday)

I forgot to play

My only real fear was that I would not be able to afford to live on my own. Most of my life with the X (almost 40 years) we were always broke; he makes twice what I do, and I didn't want any support from him (didn't want to be tied to him for life.) Amazingly, I can and do live pretty well

It never occurred to me to worry about my friends; we've known each other since childhood. I suspect that if the X made any effort, they would still be friendly with him, but that doesn't bother me. And in all the years we've known each other, no one has poached anyone's mate; I don't see that ever happening


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20035 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Phmh, I could have written your post word for word. My reality is so much more than I thought it would be.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7567 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
overcoming2003
Member
Member # 30862
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 8th (Monday)

Wow, this is an encouraging post. Thank you PHMH.

Posts: 314 | Registered: Jan 2011
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Such a great post! So true that your fears of the unknown, of change and of your own self worth are what hold many BS's back.

And SO true that if you have a WS who was spending money all the time you will actually SAVE money once you drop their selfish a**.

Because a BS is generally the doer and fixer and manager of the household you will actually do GREAT on your own! You just don't realize that you HAVE been doing it all alone for a long time.


Posts: 5634 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Realitybites, what you said hit home. One of my fears what that I did not know if once we were separated, what pieces I could actually do on my own.

Reality: I was managing the household before and am doing it now just fine.

Fear: Noone would ever be interested in me and I would never date.
Reality: Lots of looks, dates, etc.

Fear:I would never be able to marry again.
Reality: I have seen from SI that if I want to, I could remarry and be happy

Fear: I wouldn't be strong enough to move out and leave him.
Reality: I have been out of the house almost 2 years now.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I love this! I'm still working through things, but overall the reality has not been as bad as I feared.

Fear: How will I be able to afford living in this big house by myself?

Reality: Silly me, I realized I had already been doing this since November, when he stopped contributing ANY money to the household. And since I'm not longer paying for his car pymt, gas, and personal (private!) credit cards, I have more money than I ever did before.

Fear: How will I handle repairs and projects around here without his help?

Reality: I've surprised and impressed myself with the things I've been able to handle on my own. Some of the things I perceived as difficult, like maintaining the hot tub, have turned out to be super easy. Why could he never seem to manage it??

Fear: My life will be so empty and lonely. How will I fill up my days?

Reality: The sad truth is I spent the last 9 mos or so of our marriage sitting at home alone waiting for him to come home, and pleading with him to spend time with me. Now that he's gone, I'm very busy! Out with friends, taking dance classes, seeing movies. Life is full to the brim and the days are flying by.

Fear: I have no family nearby. What if my car breaks down or I'm stranded somewhere? Who am I going to call??

Reality: For about $10 per year I added 24hour roadside assistance to my auto insurance policy.

Fear: As mentioned above, I have no family nearby. The holidays will be here before you know it, and I'll be all alone!!

Reality: My step-daughter has already invited me to both Thanksgiving and Christmas at her house. She does not want to deal with OW, so she and XWH are not being invited. Now, granted the holidays are months away... XWH may crash her plans or guilt her into changing them. But for now, it feels really good to be thought of and included.

Fear: I'm so isolated here! I don't know any of my neighbors. They have always excluded us from their frequent gatherings.

Reality: The very day XWH moved out, my next door neighbor came over to see if I was okay. This is a woman I've lived next to for 8 years and exchanged maybe half a dozen sentences. She said, "I know what you're going through is hard. I wish I could say I'm sorry, but you're too nice for him." I was FLOORED. All the neighbors hated him! Now they've adopted me... helping with projects, lending tools etc, including me in BBQ's and get-togethers. This was totally unexpected and has completely changed how I feel about living here.

It's true you never really know how strong you are until you have no other choice but to BE strong.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 1:03 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 749 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

*bump*

because it's a damn good read.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4610 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
BrokenDaisy
Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Thank you for this! Just what I needed. I am both extremely excited for in-house separation to end soon and paralized by fears (can I be a single mom, money, how do I do it all alone, been a SAHM how go back to work? etc etc)

I sincerely hope my reality will be nothing like my fears too. At least I know and believe by now it's not good to stay with stbxwh but yet I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because I know I can't stay (and dont want to) but I am so scared of what is to come and whether I'd be able to cope. I'm scared of failing my son, I really am!

So thanks. Thanks so much for this!!

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 3:29 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 245 | Registered: Oct 2012
ShatteredGlass
New Member
Member # 15977
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

thanks for this post; it's given me things to consider when dealing with my fears


ME (BS) 43
HIM (WS) 47
Married 23 years
DDay 7/07 (19 month PA with co worker, who knows when EA started)
In R....

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2007
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Bumping up :)


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Been a while and have seen some new faces in D/S, so thought I should bump this.

You guys are all going to be OK!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Yet again, bumping up since there are so many new people.

Reality continues to get better and better. If you'd told me two years ago what my life would be like, I never would have believed you.

Hang in there, guys. Don't let fear stop you from making the right decision for your happiness and self-respect!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

I want to add a couple of new ones:

Fear: The AP is wonderful. She's better than I am in every way, and she's going to move into my town, turn everyone against me, and make my life miserable.

Reality: The only power she has over me is what I give her permission to have. Since I refuse to let her have any power over me, I can see her for what she is: a sad, mousy, pathetic little thing who is trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mumsie, and she has no idea what kind of man she's shackled herself to. Don't let the AP have any power over you, and don't ever waste any of your precious time worrying that she's someone better than you (or he, for the guys). The APs are involved with the disordered people that we left behind, and I think that just about says everything we need to know about them.

Fear: The kids will love the AP, want to spend more time with her, will hate returning to me, etc.

Reality: Here's an example that shows how wrong I was about this. My kids had their first weekday overnight at XWH's house during the school year this week. They went to his house on the afternoon bus, and I didn't see them again until the next day. When the afternoon bus pulled up to the bus stop in my neighborhood, my kids SCREAMED with excitement over seeing me there. They practically knocked me over with hugs and all started babbling frantically at once about whatever news they had to share. DD also said that was very sad at school before she returned to me because she missed me so much, and her kindergarten teacher was kind enough to let her hold her stuffed animal in class (they're usually only allowed to at rest time) to comfort her. My kids LOVE me. The AP is someone they think is nice, but she's not even in the picture when it comes to their REAL mom. The APs will NEVER replace us as parents.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 9:04 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3575 | Registered: Oct 2011
blindsided03
Member
Member # 40302
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

I loved reading this post. I was pretty new the to the M thing and I paid for EVERYTHING, so I had different fears. I was afraid I would be lonely (and I sometimes am, but I learned not to be co-dependent on a douche who was never emotionally available). I thought I wouldn't be able to find decent guys (it's pretty easy, but I decided to hold off. One ex loves me and "will wait for me," but I think i want a new somebody eventually). I was afraid to get divorced because no one else could live up to the man XH was (reality: well, my IDEA of him was a great man, but he was a douche. it's a lot clearer now that he's gone). I was scared to not have friends since he'd alienated me from the world (my friends all took me back, just wanted to know "where did you go? you disappeared." It wasn't a big deal. they've been busy with their own lives). I love being free. I miss having someone to share my day with, but it's worth not being with him and feeling bad. I used to cry a lot because I felt so lonely next to him. Now, I'm lonely, but I dont cry about it. I'm alone. Big deal. I'm in school (two schools--my masters and getting my MD), I'm working, and I take my dog on long walks. I like being alone. I could go out, but I'm not ready to socialize yet. I have my online social life for now and it's enough. I love you guys at SI and I have my FB buddies. Nothing major, no bar-hopping mania, but it's enough to have people say, "how was your day?" stbxh never did that anyhow.

it's not about being afraid of change. humans are adaptable. that's how our species survives. it's learning to appreciate new things and getting used to change. we're good at that, on the whole, so just be patient. life gets better.


BW
M6m
Dday(2)8/13
D12/13...he's a sociopath.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Bumping again, as I said in General I would for FWL.

I've thought of another fear/reality.

Fear -- XWH was the only person I'd had sex with. How could I do that with anyone else? It would be so weird!

Reality -- Selfish people (cheaters) make selfish lovers. Had I stayed with XWH, I never would have known good sex!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, September 27th (Friday)

standing ovation for phmh's contribution!

Sex can be fun and enjoyable - just not with X. It was one of my fears after sooooo many years.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Bumping up for some new members in D/S. Sorry there was ever a need for you to have to sign up for this forum, but life gets so much better!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, October 7th (Monday)

I have to say I was terrified of my life changing at all. I didn't want to have to move, I didn't want to have to share my son and miss a day of his life. Change was such a horrible thing and it scared me. I wasn't even thinking in specific terms at the time, just I didn't want my life to be different at all. I just wanted to rewind the moment where I saw those damning pictures, I wanted it to never have happened.

Reality - It took some time to bulid back my self esteem, but once I did I realized I was hurting myself by pretending that things would be fine again. That my life was what I wanted. Now I am alone and happy as all get out. I was able to keep my home, I have my DS 98% of the time and I am not lonely at all. I have met a great man who treats me like a queen.

It gets better. Sometimes fear can be paralysing but when you are able to move past that, wonderful things can happen.

[This message edited by ninebark at 9:27 AM, October 7th (Monday)]


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
pregnantandsad
Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I am so happy someone bumped this and I was able to read it. D day was 3 months ago and today is our anniversary. We are living apart and will be filing for D soon, today the fear is all hitting me. I am mainly afraid of being lonely, my kids liking OW and very afraid of dating! This has been great for me to read today, thank you.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
20Hopeful16
Member
Member # 40487
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Thank you so much for this post and for keeping it bumped. Its so inspiring to read. I needed something like this today.


Me: BS (39)
Three Beautiful Children 12,9,5
DD: 8/24/13
Heading for divorce
Moving on with life

Posts: 107 | Registered: Aug 2013
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

My stbxh is an asswipe. He doesn't understand basic grammar, I have always helped with this in every way. He has always had his sister or mom do his taxes until we got married.
Now during our Divorce, he is having his POSMOW reading our legal papers and giving him advice. I am so waiting for my lawyer appt next Monday. That is my day. FTG.
We have been married for over 20 years and you bet I will get what I need from him. Especially since my health is not good! FTG!
Let his POSMOW figure out his shit or go run back to mommy or your pathetic sister!

Boy, that felt good!


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

Trying not to let this get too far down.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, October 14th (Monday)

Good for YOU.

There really are blessings in disguise. Having no children, means you won't be tied to spouse for child issues. A huge plus.

So a big whoo hoo to you.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 608 | Registered: Jul 2012
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, October 18th (Friday)

bumping up


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 18th (Friday)

In a rush and don't have time to add my two cents, but this is an essential thread, for it cuts to the core of all our tsurus. Keep it going! I read it for inspiration. It's all about fear....


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

bump


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

So many of the fears listed here - financial anxiety, losing friends and family, not finding love again, lack of sex - were my fears too. Those fears were so debilitating that I could not get out of bed, could not eat, could not kick my ex to the curb and tried to hang on to somebody who treated my like garbage.

And as most of those who posted, I found those fears not to be realistic and my life is now turning out better than it ever was.

I am doing better financially than I ever did, being able to save more while allowing myself a decent lifestyle. Instead of money being spent on husband's toys and pricey dinners and 100$ bottle wines, I get my regular massages, have a cleaning lady, a gardener and still have more money left over than before.

I am closer to ALL of family and most friends than ever before. My ex-in laws and my parents are my rocks. So are my close girlfriends and a few guy friends. I have found kindness and love in places I never expected.

I have dated and had a relationship after my separation and divorce. Even though the relationship did not end well I learned that I could love again and truly fall for somebody again head over heels. It also showed me how great sex can truly be and it has given me hope for the future that at my tender age of 44 it is not too late to find love.

This is a great thread for anybody just starting this journey. It is so hard to imagine that you can come out better, stronger, happier on the other side, but many of us here are living proof of that.

Frankly, if I was asked today to trade my life and my experiences since my separation and divorce and go back to my old life - ex-husband and marriage at that point, money issues etc. - I would say 'No' without hesitation.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 7:24 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1247 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Bumping up, as I said I would in General.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

I have to say I had all of these same fears and the fear that xWH would never come back.
Reality is: I have a great family support system. I have awesome friends. I recently got a wonderful job that I love. I am having fun with my life. I took my boy to Disneyland and it was fantastic. I have new dreams and aspirations that I know I am capable of achieving on my own. I bought anew car. I have not just survived I continue to thrive. I chose to be happy.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Beautiful thread. I keep thinking about it when I struggle and I ask myself if my struggle/fear is rooted in reality.

Most time it is based in fear - fear of not ever being loved again, not being good enough, not being strong enough. And then I kick myself remembering all the posts of the strong people on this site - if you can do it, I can do it.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1247 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
msk99
Member
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, November 4th (Monday)

Great thread, very timely in my situation. Trying to garner the strength to forge ahead and get this disaster in my rear view mirrors....


BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys
Divorced

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Posts: 712 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
ItHappened2Me2
Member
Member # 32503
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Thank you for this topic! I haven't started the D process yet -- but will be shortly and this thread gives me hope!

I think my biggest fear is the possibility of sharing important milestones in my children's lives with OW (like Homecoming Dances, Prom, Graduations, Wedding). My daughter has already told me that there is no way OW will ever replace me as "Mom" -- but I don't want to share my kids with her.

(actually, what my daughter has said is that she only has 2 moms -- her birthmom and me and there isn't room for another one!)

We'll see what reality ends up being.


BS - me (52); WS - him (52)
DD 15yo, DS 11 yo
Married 25 years (together 27+/-)
DDay #1 - March 18, 2011
DD #2 (after 3 + month TT and false R -- the affair had gone underground) - June 28,2011
DD3: June 19, 2013 - he started up again with the

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Texas
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Love this post. This is so helpful.

Because my situation is still so new...my fears are about what I don't know about STBX and what he may do next...

Fear: Why did this man I thought loved me, who was a good person, turn into someone else?

Reality: I am thankful I found out his true colors now and not in 10 more years.I am thankful I am not with him because he is in a dark dark hole I don't want to be dragged into. He tried to be a good man, but he isn't one, he is pathetic.

Fear: What is he plotting, scheming, planning legally?? Can he beat me? will he get 50% custody?

Reality: I am smarter. I am more resourceful and willful and stronger. I will not back down and while he had a 15 month head start on me...I am only getting stronger while he gets weaker and I can play this game too. Don't F**K with me.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

This should be a sticky just like there are R success stories stickied on the R thread! I am just at the beginning of this process and these posts are encouraging. Maybe I'll post my fears too

Fear: it will be hard for me to give my 16 month old son up for a whole day or 2 at a time and it will be hard for him to go back and forth. Also STBX is unreliable so he may not keep to our agreements. Conversely, maybe I won't have much help with child rearing and the nanny will have to cover my hours (right now STBX is traveling most of the week). My parents said they will visit once a month to help.

Fear: My STBX will see the light and stop being a verbally abusive cheater and I'll miss out on the improved version (yeah right he's still blaming everyone else for this)

Fear: I'll be lonely because I moved up here for STBX's career and now I'm stuck hundreds of miles away from my family and friends without him. Already started making some good friends up here so hopefully that's not true.

Fear: I'll never find a good man.

Fear: I will struggle financially. Even though I was the breadwinner I worry about paying for the house on my own, paying for childcare on my own, and him winning alimony.

I think that's it. Seems like a lot of fears for someone who can't wait to be free!

[This message edited by careerlady at 5:54 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Bumping this up since I've seen some new faces in here lately.

Believe us -- things will get better! Don't let fear stop you from making the best decision for you for the rest of your life!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, November 25th (Monday)

Bumping again.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

bump


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
yestopants
Member
Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

WOW! You guys that have shared are so completely amazing! You are an inspiration to us who are just starting this mess. I have a lot of fears…. I read through this whole thread and bump, bump, bump. thank you for the encouragements this club is awesome. Being here makes me know I will thrive. I've feared so much….but the reality is starting to show….and i know that very soon my list of fear vs. reality will clearly show that my worst nightmare is actually the best thing that could have happened, Thanks for keeping this going and thanks for sharing, it means a lot to a newbie


Me: 35
STBXWH: 38
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 278 | Registered: Dec 2013
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

This is great. Thank you!!! to everyone who contributed; you make this process sooo much better.

FEAR: I'll never be able to afford to go on vacation again.

REALITY: My buddy sent me a plane ticket and rented a beach house and I'm taking off in a month just in time to come back and FINALIZE.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 560 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
GingerAle
Member
Member # 33822
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

pmhm, Thank you so much for creating this thread. And thanks to everyone who has contributed to it and bumping it. It is so inspiring, and just what I needed today!


My WH (The KISA, NPD) 6 month EA in 2010
2 other EAs in 2012 & 2013
Filed for D 7/2014


Posts: 404 | Registered: Nov 2011
hangingonin
Member
Member # 29530
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

This is really helpful to me as I'm feeling quite low at the moment. Thanks

Posts: 77 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: SE England, UK
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Bumping again, for the weekend crowd.

Honestly, it's getting so long since D-Day for me that I have trouble remembering some of my other fears (I posted some here, but I know I had more) and life just keeps getting better and better.

I know it's so hard early in the process. You can't see how you can ever be happy again, but you will. You are all very strong (stronger than you even realize) and can come through this happier than before.

There will be tough times ahead, and a terrible roller coaster, but someday you will wake up and wonder why you ever were with someone like that.

It gets better. Just keep telling yourself that. I promise it's true.

(((everyone who needs to be here)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
BrokenDaisy
Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, January 20th (Monday)

I can relate to so many of the fears and realities in here! I wanted to add one that hasn't been posted yet: Dealing with illness as a single parent.

Fear: with no help whatsoever (I moved far away to a place where I know basically no one to help me out) there is no way I will be able to take care of my son if he falls Ill or if I do.

Reality: soon after I moved my son got an awful stomach bug. As in truly horrible. He was puking for days and although it obviously wasn't fun, I managed to take care of everything by myself. All the cleaning (toddlers don't understand using a bucket or toilet yet....), the doctor visits, the care taking, the medicine giving, the staying up to monitor fever and heartbeat, the worrying, the loving, the hugs, keeping fluids in him (luckily still breastfed!) you name it. I had almost no sleep but I did it. And I dis it well. Finally he was getting better and being his happy self. I remember feeling so happy for conquering this huge fear. He was barely back on his feet when I inevitably got sick. Boy was it an awful bug!! Again no help so inbetween camping out at the toilet I still managed to clean, prepare meals, look after him. I didn't do it all perfectly and I was crying a lot! (I hate being sick) but we made it through it. Both of us. Stronger and closer for the experience. I felt strength because something I thought I'd never ever be able to juggle on my own - I did! We are capable of so much more than we believe.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 245 | Registered: Oct 2012
griefandrelief
Member
Member # 42210
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, January 27th (Monday)

Great reading for those of us new to the idea of D. What's the worst that can happen? (If only I can remember that when I'm fearful!)


Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: kansas
griefandrelief
Member
Member # 42210
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, January 27th (Monday)

Great reading for those of us new to the idea of D. What's the worst that can happen? (If only I can remember that when I'm fearful!)


Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: kansas
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, January 27th (Monday)

And THAT is how its done!

Good for you, P! So happy for you


Posts: 1368 | Registered: Jan 2010
candle1000
New Member
Member # 42234
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, January 27th (Monday)

I absolutely love this thread. I have read it from beginning to end a few times, it inspires me so much and provides hope in my dark moments.

My fear is never trusting again.
Never feeling that "in love" feeling again
Never truly feeling happy again
I fear this pain will last forever
I fear I will love him this much forever
I fear I will never love this deep again
I fear we will never reach a place where we can be civil and communicate (all by cold text at the moment with me initiating about practical things).
I fear I will be on my own forever!

I fear I could be right, my life is over and is just and existence .


ME - BW 42
HIM - WS 44
OW - Cripple Whore that he flirted with in front of our daughter!
25 years together, married 18
Rug pulled from underneath me April 2013

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
griefandrelief
Member
Member # 42210
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I actually used this to guide the first real conversation I had with my DD15 tonight. Making her say her fear helped to minimize it and its significance. It really helped.


Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: kansas
myowndystopia
Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Just starting on the D process so I will just add my fears!

Fear- because I have not been the bill payer in the house- I fear that I will forget to pay something and I will be sitting in the dark with no water and no heat

Fear- when my daughter does visit her dad (ok so right now he is just across the hall but that will change) will he remind her to take her meds, get her up on time, keep her off FaceTime all night and buy her feminine products when needed

Fear - will I ever be able to retire? I had planned on retiring last school year but felt trouble a brewing.....

Fear- I will become a couch potato!


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Bumping for new people in D/S.

Don't let fear stop you from making the best decision for you!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

New faces and more discussion on fears = BUMP!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Okay here are more Fear/Reality that I wasn't able to share before:

Fear: That I would never be able to recover from the D.
Reality: Time moves forward and so do we. I not only recovered I continue to develop me.
Fear: That I would never stop loving him.
Reality: I finally accepted that I will love who he used to be and the time that we had together. He has made it very easy to not even like him anymore so not loving him? He made that easy on me.
Fear: That I would not be financially sound after D.
Reality: I am more financially sound than I thought I could be. I am not rich by any means but my bills are paid and my son is provided for. I also bought a new car.
Fear: I would not be able to be Father and Mother to a young boy.
Reality: These days it is pretty easy. There are boy scouts and we are helping to demo and renovate my sister's house. I like to camp, hunt, fish and shoot so he gets to do that with me and me with him . We both like to ride quads so I hope to buy a couple when we buy a house on property. We have also signed up to take home improvement classes for free at the Home Depot.
Fear: That my life was over along with my marriage. (In fact, I kinda vowed that it would be )
Reality: I had no clue but MY life was just beginning. I am far happier now than I ever thought possible.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Just read page one after the worst day ever.

Totally feel better!

I'm saving 2,3,4 for another day.

Maybe I'll have some to add some day.

I have lots of fears, no new realities yet.

I think this is now my all time fave post on SI.

How much of where we stay stuck is fear?


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

bump


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

how did I miss this? Awesome post!


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Just read page 2.

Big message from that page that I see as true already - I thought I was alone. I'm not. It is amazing how many people are checking on me, "happy to see me smiling and glowing", more friendly and open now.

WITH H I was isolated and didn't even know it.

Now it is he who is isolated to living in his online fantasy woman world.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
myowndystopia
Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Thanks for bumping! I was able to do a one month check up on myself! I had only posted fears because I had just filed for D 4 days prior to posting. But today- I will add one reality!

Fear- I will become a couch potato!

Reality- I have reconnected with so many friends and some that were just acquaintances are now friends! I stay busy! I've also joined 2 meet-ups (all innocent! One for single women over 50 and one a gluten free dining club- I'm celiac). Haven't been to actual meet ups yet but one day I will!! So far- no couch potatoes here!!


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, March 7th (Friday)

bump


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

New faces = bump.

I know it's so, so scary. But things get so much better!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

More new faces, including people posting about fear, so I'm bumping up again.

I never thought I would say this when I was going through the thick of things, but I can hardly even remember what my fears were anymore. In fact, it's almost getting hard to remember my 11 year marriage (and at the time, I thought I was so lucky to be married to such a great guy!)

All of my relationships (with friends, family, coworkers, myself) have gotten stronger. I am so much happier, I almost can't believe it. Life is amazing. I was so fearful, but leaving turned out to be the best thing I could have done.

I know you guys are scared of the unknown -- humans have evolved to have that fear. Even animals, once removed from an abusive situation, will mourn the life they had (I volunteer in animal rescue, and it breaks my heart to see these poor animals mourn their abusive former owners.)

You need to go through the pain. But, there is an amazing new life out there for you!!! Don't let fear stop you from a fabulous future!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, April 7th (Monday)

Bumping up for hurtyetstrong.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
ChinaCat
Member
Member # 42797
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, April 7th (Monday)

I printed this whole topic out and am keeping it with me everywhere!

Thank you SO SO much for sharing this!


"Every time I stay out late; every time I sleep in; every time I miss a workout; every time I don't give 100% - I make it that much easier for him to beat me!"
Me: BS & Beautiful!

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
hurtyetstrong
Member
Member # 38372
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

thanks phmh, needed this!


Me: BW (30)
Him: WH (31)
2 DDs - 4yrs & 18mo (as of May 2014)

multiple PAs

Filed for divorce May 16, 2014


Posts: 156 | Registered: Feb 2013
deena
Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Thank you for this post.

I just read all 5 pages.

I am finally starting the separation.

It is good to see so many of my fears that others also have and to read their reality.

I already do so many of the things others fear.
I was also a SAHM. But for all of those years while the kids were little and in school I volunteered in the schools.
Now I am working casual (busy casual) as a teachers asst with special needs kids.
I have just finally told a friend I am separating. (She is married to a lawyer who gave me some names of good lawyers). I have known her since grade 1 and she is still a very good friend. She is so supportive....I just felt too embarrassed to tell any one.
I am also preparing to tell my kids about the separation AND now, after getting a good lesson from many here on SI on a post of mine, I am getting ready to tell them about the affair. I thought I was doing the good parent thing by keeping it from them. The youngest is 17 .

Thanks again for this post phmh!


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

Bump


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25061 | Registered: Aug 2011
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

Thanks NIK.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
MadeOfScars
Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

Thanks for the bump! So glad to have found this post.


“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

Posts: 975 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

I realized after I bumped this that I never posted to it before. Oops.

My biggest baddest fear was that my children's lives would be destroyed. That they would be irrevocably damaged by the separation, the divorce, having to leave the house they'd grown up in...

The second fear? Was that wasband would end up with someone who treated my kids poorly or came between them and their father. That he would let the kids down again and again by continuing down a selfish path. That my kids would feel replaced by OW, or by step children or even new children (OW was significantly younger).

The reality, the clear unvarnished truth? My kids WERE affected. Of course they were. They struggled, they grieved, they vented, but most importantly, they healed.

They opened up with me and trusted friends and family. They worked with counselors. They made mistakes, they learned hard lessons, and they healed more.

They are stronger, smarter, and more emotionally healthy than I could have hoped for. They continue to work on building healthier relationships with their father, and they have chosen to discontinue some relationships with his family that were not healthy or supportive. Big steps, especially for teenagers.

Wasband is remarried. His new wife (who was NOT an OW) is a strong, intelligent, loving and supportive woman who not only ADORES my kids, she GETS THEM. She speaks to them of how lucky they are to have such a remarkable mother. Seriously. And her family is huge, supportive, and wonderful to my kids. They suddenly have tons of new aunts, uncles, and cousins who are great people.

Adding to that, Wasband is a better father than he has ever been, and I think a LOT of that is down to Mrs. Wasband. I feel like my kids have won the lottery with this family addition. They tell me "new wife's family is ALMOST as cool as yours, Mom. ALMOST." And it fills me with such joy and relief to know that they have so many people in their lives who love them. I could never have imagined in my darkest fear filled moments that this is where we would be two years out.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25061 | Registered: Aug 2011
mytwosonsdc
New Member
Member # 43065
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

I find it interesting that no one (unless I missed it) had mentioned one of my fears - that I am making a mistake by divorcing. Maybe I should work harder on the marriage first? Maybe I will regret leaving him?

Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Washington DC
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

Wow that felt good to read. Very inspiring


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

I could never have imagined in my darkest fear filled moments that this is where we would be two years out

When I read this I am filled to the brim with hope.

@My2sonsdc - I think many people on this forum, like me, worked tooth and nail to try and save their marriage and when they finally got to D there was no other place to go. In fact, I think most of us would say we didn't fear it as a mistake- we wished we had done it sooner.

JMO.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

I find it interesting that no one (unless I missed it) had mentioned one of my fears - that I am making a mistake by divorcing. Maybe I should work harder on the marriage first? Maybe I will regret leaving him?

I remember several posts in D/S and NB where the regret question was asked and no one responded affirmatively.

I know that I did worry about that initially -- my XWH wanted to R, so it was my decision about what path I wanted to go down. I chose D after much deliberation. People in my family do not get divorced, and I didn't want to be embarrassed as a chump who paid for her cheater to become a doctor and then abandoned. I *almost* stayed.

But my life is so amazing now, it's almost surreal. The only time I think about my ex is when I think about how great my life is now compared to how it would have been. There are so many good, honest people in the world, and when you excise the loser cheaters from your life, you make room for them. I would have continued to exist in what I thought was happiness had he not cheated, but his cheating allowed me to look and my life and reexamine what I wanted.

Deciding to divorce was the hardest decision I ever made. I am so happy that my parents raised me in such a way as to have enough self-respect to do so.

I thought I was so happy in my marriage and so luck to have a great guy. But I am so much happier now, I can't believe it. Strangers approach me on the street to comment on how beautiful I am or on my smile.

I have an amazing BF who treats me better than my XWH ever did. And even if things don't work out with him, I know I'll be OK.

My main message is that you shouldn't make decisions out of fear. There is so much more to life!!! Think of your future self and make decisions accordingly!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

bumping


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25061 | Registered: Aug 2011
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 12th (Monday)

bumping for starmoonchild


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
southsidecali
Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 12th (Monday)

saving to add later, loving all these

Posts: 788 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I appreciate NIK's post from the other week. Wish my X's OM's family was that way. I don't think she is introducing the kids to them yet, but one day. OM's ex-wife is telling me they are a piece of work, so not much to look forward to.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 666 | Registered: Aug 2013
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)

Bumping for new people in D/S or for those contemplating such.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, June 27th (Friday)

Seeing new faces in D/S again, so bumping.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
meleanoro
Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, July 7th (Monday)

Bump, and...

My biggest fear is my H royally screwing me in a D. (Mainly financially but also stalling, dragging, lawsuit threats,etc). :/


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jan 2005
Acer0112
Member
Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, July 7th (Monday)

Thanks for this thread, I'm not far enough out to realize my realities yet, but this made me truly think what my biggest fears are, and a lot of what has been said gives me hope.

Fear: that I will not be able to find a good paying job with benefits, and if I do, how to balance a full time job and the kids schedules to not cause too much hardship on their "normal", I'm a SAHM with part time job on and off.

Fear: how this impacts my kids emotionally and long term. They were blindsided with the end as I was, we were a great family unit with no signs of unhappiness, low point yes, but not the end. They are 11 and 13, teen years will be tough.

Fear: that I will not find myself and will not be interesting and fun for the kids and myself. I lost myself along the way and WH was the fun adventurous planner, what if my kids want to be with him more, he has the big family, the cousins on his side, the adventures?

Fear: that I will not be able to love again like I loved WH. And to feel wanted and loved back.

Reality: I am finally realizing I loved my life as I thought unconditional love included the low point we were in, but I now see I wasn't treated like a truly loved wife for a long time, which made me an unloving person back. we turned toxic for each other with bad communication. Both felt depressed. I deserve to be treated better, to build self esteem, to not feel unloved, unappreciated, crushed.

Fear: that he is right, that we couldn't fix our marriage, and him giving up proves to him the OW and divorce is the best thing he ever did. Rubs it in that I have issues. We all do, but I wonder if I have real personality issues no one else will accept.

Reality: It is hard to admit, I wanted to fight to the end to make our marriage better, and I don't want to admit yet that we were not right. I think it was fixable if OW didn't happen. With A, he is right, we can't fix our marriage now and I know I will realize that I can be happier in time. But I still hate to admit it was him that ended it and in his mind for valid reasons.


D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
16yrs married, 22 yrs together
Separated, divorcing

Posts: 190 | Registered: Apr 2014
meleanoro
Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, July 7th (Monday)

But I still hate to admit it was him that ended it and in his mind for valid reasons.

This is so hard...when our SOs cannot see their own irrationality.

I haven't fully figured out why this is an issue for me. Why does what he thinks still matter?

I suspect it comes down to me not feeling like enough. Not important enough, not worth enough to fight for. And that really stings.


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jan 2005
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 14th (Monday)

bump


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 749 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 28th (Monday)

Bumping -- see new posters and fear mentioned.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 28th (Monday)

Most of my fears have become my reality.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9538 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Allidoiswin
New Member
Member # 44274
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 28th (Monday)

Love love love this post! Thank you OP!!!!


BS: 36
SAWH: who cares, right?
Married 14 years
Three boys
Separated ~ Ready for happiness!

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Georgia
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, August 9th (Saturday)

Bumping for blindsided81


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
Virginiagirl
Member
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 16th (Saturday)

Bumping for Brentwood


Me- BS-43
Him-WS-42
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 15
OW- old girlfriend from High School, and now umpteen stupid groupie local ho-bags

We are done.


Posts: 169 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
Brentwood
Member
Member # 27465
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, August 16th (Saturday)

Thanks for the bump. I only read one page and it's touched on every fear. Great thread. Is there a way to bookmark it?


Me BW (59) What?!?!
Him BH (59)

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: S. California
Topic Posts: 107