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Reconciliation
User Topic: Asian massage parlor
Mauimom1
Member
Member # 35848
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, January 24th (Thursday)

Is there anyone dealing with specifically WS who engaged in massage parlor visits? I'm one year out and I can't seem to stop those mental mind movies. The worst part is we have at least 15 of those type of massage places that offer full services in our county( google Rub Maps to find them in your town). I'm so paranoid that he will get the urge to go again. R is going well and he assures me that those days are over. I am very observant, and track his coming and going on "find my iPhone" and so far nothing has happened( I have a list of streets that all those places are located) and when his phone says he's at his office I double check the land line to make sure he's really there. I have read up on SA and it doesn't seem to fit his profile. Anyone have dreams of shutting this places down, since law enforcement doesn't seem to care to much about it? Wishful thinking but I thought I could start a organization and call it FAAMPA ( Families Against Asian Massage PArlors). First order of business would be a stakeout an take pictures of people coming in and out of there and ID them with their license plates. Just kidding, I'm venting and still trying to cope.

[This message edited by Mauimom1 at 9:04 PM, January 24th (Thursday)]


Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2012
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, January 24th (Thursday)

We have at least 4 of them in our area.

They get busted every once in a while. They close and reopen in the same place with a different name.

Our local newspaper will do a story when they get busted.

They always post their ages, most are in their 40's and 50's.

I don't like them, I don't like that they are in my area.

I would be willing to do a stake out and take pictures!

On a funnier note, one has a sign that faces the interstate. It offers a "hot tub" only someone taped over the "t" in hot and it says "ho" tub

That pretty much sums it up there doesn't it!


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5481 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, January 24th (Thursday)

I have started using findmyiphone to track my WH. Do you know if it sends an alert to the phone so he knows that he is being tracked?


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Feelthrownaway
Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, January 24th (Thursday)

t/j jemimapd,
No, find my phone doesn't send an alert to their phone. But..if you tell them to notify you when it is found then it will alert their phone. They have to be near a wifi for it to pick up their location. I have it on my husband's phone( he knows). It works great.


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1199 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
Mauimom1
Member
Member # 35848
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, January 24th (Thursday)

My WH is not tech savvy. I have all apple devices set up to my iTunes account which has my email address. If the phone can't be located, I have it email my account when it's found. I would say 9 times out of ten his Iphone can be located. As far as I'm aware, he doesn't know about this. I know this is not the best policy in R, but for me it's about sanity preservation.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2012
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, January 24th (Thursday)

Thank you both, I didn't want to hijack the thread but I too need it as a sanity preserver! He doesn't know I have started checking. If he did, he coud just leave the phone at a job site if he wanted to wander off which defeats the purpose. In my mind, he forfeited any right to privacy when I agreed to reconcile.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, January 25th (Friday)

Jemima,

t/j

Might want to check iOS6 version. I thought someone mentioned that in that version it does send alert. We aren't running that so don't know.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jun 2012
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, January 25th (Friday)

I don't think FAAMPA is a good idea for a name. It sounds like a masturbating Wampa. Which is a really horrible thing.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7543 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Mauimom1
Member
Member # 35848
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, January 25th (Friday)

Still going, what is a Wampa?

I guess I put too many thoughts in one post, my main concern is how people cope who are in R with infedelity involving Asian massage parlors?

Well maybe I just answered my own question that its a deal breaker for most couples.


Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2012
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, January 25th (Friday)

It's the monster in the ice cave on Hoth in Empire Strikes Back.

I know there are several people dealing with this kind of thing as I've seen it mentioned occasionally in the JFO forum. I don't think I've seen it here in R before though.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope your day improves and you have a nice weekend.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7543 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, January 25th (Friday)

(((mauimom1)))
I am @ 22 months from dday of finding out my husband went to massage parlors when out of town for business. I was devastated.

He has done a complete turn around and been remorseful and is truly a new man. We are both totally committed to"us".

You asked how people cope who are reconcilling from this type of betrayal. I think the same way everyone else does. At about 15 months out, I accepted that this horrible thing had happened to me. I can't change it, he can't change it, if we love each other, we(I) need to move forward.

At this point I feel betrayal is betrayal. Massage parlors, prostitutes, craigs list, AFF(etc.), LTA's, ONS, affairs with coworkers or best friends...it all hurts like a knife in your chest. Everybody here is in pain and trying to move forward to something better (with or without your partner).

We went to MC for a couple months right after dday, I did not think that was very helpful. He lied to her about the extent of his cheating & she told me to draw a line in the sand with his details and move forward, stop asking ?'s...I had not found SI yet. Oh, she told me I was zanaxing my way thru this too...I took a low level of zanax for 2 months. But she did suggest we read The 5 Love Languages(by Gary Chapman) and The 7 Levels of Intimacy(by Matthew Kelly). Both totally changed our relationship. I love the Intimacy book. We talk, we are committed to "us", I travel with him some now, we work out together, we ask for what we need, I will never be that passive wife again . At 18 months out I went to a new MC for several sessions because I was still crying at night. She helped tremendously, husband came to a session too.

I still get sad, anxious, mad and have mind movies but it is getting better. I am so much stronger.

Me-BS 49
FWH-49
M 29 yrs
dday 3-19-11
R


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
Mauimom1
Member
Member # 35848
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, January 25th (Friday)

Thank you forgiving now. Everybody's situation is pretty difficult. I think if you took a poll people on this forum would still probably walk in their own shoes.

I have not written my story yet, I haven't had the courage to yet, but there are bits and pieces of it in my posts.

We have been in MC for a year and I feel as if they have both swept the Asian massage parlor issue under the rug. Maybe it's something I need to address with IC, I haven't seen one yet.

At the same time he was going to the massage parlors, he had an EA with an employee. I'm sure it would have progressed to a PA, but she didn't like him. She was stringing him along financially to see what she could get out of it. She ended up suing for sexual harassment, it never went to court but settled . We took a huge hit financially over this. The last year was stressful dealing with the infedility and the lawsuit at the same time.

The issue that has been bothering me the most though is the Asian massage parlor. I can't get those mental mind movies out of my head. He loves massages. I imagine him going in there, lying on a table, enjoying his massage, and then when the flip came, negotiating whatever service he felt like. He had been doing this for at least 6 years. The worst part is there was never a time in our 16 year marriage that we didn't have sex at least 2x a week. We estimated that he's probably been with at least 20 massage parlor workers over the years. This grosses me out. He also says that I'm more attractive then any of them.. I hate that he completely knows my sexual history, but I don't know his.

I also question how he could just stop his behavior when he's been doing it for so long: it was a way of life.

The worst part is every time I come across young Asian women that barely speak English, I wonder what she really does. My favorite pedicure place is a huge trigger for me now, especially when they start massaging my legs. I start to wonder if she moonlights. I have become stereotypical and prejudiced, and I am ashamed of this.


Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2012
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, January 25th (Friday)

Speaking of "Find My iPhone", which I used covertly and obsessively for the first few months of R, there is a new app through i06 called "Find Friends" which is "voluntary". fWH knows that I can track him the same way I did through find my iphone with this new app. Him refusing to accept my "Find Friends" request would have been a real red flag for me and he knew it.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, January 25th (Friday)

mauimom1
You are incredibly strong to have dealt with infidelity and a law suit at the same time.
As far as just stopping this behavior, I think it is like the WS on here that just stop their affair, throw the OW under the bus & can't believe what they did or who they were once they are confronted or found out. The ones that are remorseful and do want to be married and work to make a better marriage.
I think anyone who has been cheated on worries it will happen again. My husband knows for me to stay married I need a faithful husband and deserve to be treated with respect and have love & passion.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, January 25th (Friday)

Sent you a PM.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
MonsterBride
Member
Member # 37899
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, January 25th (Friday)

Massage parlors are disgusting. It goes beyond cheating. The people who work there are SEX SLAVES and CHILDREN. It is not even consentual.

This topic grates my nerves. It's worse than infidelity. It is a violation of human rights. How thick is the fog there?


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 39, serial disappointment
Crimes: secret girlfriends, strippers
Status: preparing for divorce

Posts: 86 | Registered: Dec 2012
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, January 25th (Friday)

Monsterbride
You are not stating anything that is not known or felt. Unfortunately for some of us, me, this is my reality.

I come to SI for support.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
Mauimom1
Member
Member # 35848
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, January 25th (Friday)

It's horrible, I guarantee that there is at least one in every town. Once you know what to look for, you see them everywhere. They are the ones that offer therapeutic massage. The windows and doors are often blacked out, that is your easiest clue.

It's a real problem, however they exist because its a big business.

I'm sure their biggest customer base is middle aged married men.


Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2012
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, January 25th (Friday)

The worst part is every time I come across young Asian women that barely speak English, I wonder what she really does.

And...

I have become stereotypical and prejudiced, and I am ashamed of this.

I can relate with both of these statements. All of my WH's A's, except for the last one, were with Thai prostitutes. Every time I hear about Thailand, or see something that says Thai on it, I get incredibly bothered. Whenever I see a woman who looks remotely Thai I think "Whore". I realize this is terrible, but I just can't control it right now.

My WH also loves massages, and that's how is A's began....with a topless massage. Clearly he will never again be getting a massage if he wants to stay married to me. Its a deal-breaker.

I hate that he completely knows my sexual history, but I don't know his.

I can completely relate to that as well. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. To be honest I'm not sure if the A's were deal-breakers or not...I told my WH I would attempt R but the further we get into it the less I want to be here.

So no, you're not alone. I'm right here with you.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1191 | Registered: Jul 2012
Mauimom1
Member
Member # 35848
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, January 25th (Friday)

Thanks, Dameia for your honesty.

His foray into this world also started with massages for his bad back. Unfortunately he discovered the asian places were cheaper. It was a gradual introduction . Over time he became comfortable and he did more. Crap I don't know how he can live with himself. He has a medical background and actually did not consider this behavior risky. WTF? Jeez, why did I spend all those years getting flu shots and carrying hand sanitizer?

Sorry for my tone, I know this is in the R forum, I guess I'm crazy but I still love him.


Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2012
boontje
Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, January 25th (Friday)

I can totally relate to you Mauimom. My H''s spiral into insanity began with happy ending massages at these parlors, then progressed to his A with a young (20 yr old) hooker. My stomach churns when I allow myself to dwell in that headspace for too long. This was not the person I married and not the person I have loved since I was 19. There is no easy answer as to how you can get past it. I think it will always be there to some degree. The best you can do is to try to be in this moment. If he is doing everything you need in order to heal, then go with it, one day at a time. With time, and a lot of it I think, we will be able to trust again. But sadly it will never be the same. I''ve spent the last 18 months in IC, working hard to rebuild my shattered self esteem, due to his unbelievably selfish and wreckless behavior. Lean on us for support. You do not have to be alone.


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 991 | Registered: Aug 2011
Mauimom1
Member
Member # 35848
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, January 25th (Friday)

Thank you boontje for your kind words.
Your advice to live in the moment ring true. I just spent my evening at a funeral of a woman who died suddenly. She was only a few years older than me. Life is too short to allow this to "dwell in my headspace". If this were my last year here on this earth, I wouldn't want it to be defined by this.


Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2012
aigalost
New Member
Member # 42206
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I am moving over from the just found out forum so that I stop getting email alerts. I can hide a little better here - I don't want my husband to see my posts if he happens upon my email. I will continue to post and I have been reading everything. Quick recap - husband went to Asian massage parlor - at least once that I know of - bank called me to verify the charge on a private bank account that he has. 4 years ago we were in counseling for lies and flirting - we stopped counseling too soon but have been pretty happy till this bomb. Husband denies everything and I am prone to denial as well. Below is a copy of my last post from the just found out forum.

I hear you all and I appreciate it so much. Im sitting in jury duty - yuck - and reading other forums. you are all the most amazing people on the planet. your empathy and integrity is amazing and should be required reading for everyone! whoever started this website has saved lives - and kept families together - and blessed so many lives - no question. 4 years ago I was going crazy about the lies and the possible emotional affair - which I suppose could have been physical - I'll never know. I had a good long conversation with myself where I openly decided that I would ignore all the lies and move on with love for my kiddos because I felt exhausted trying to track his every movement - a cheater can hide and my husband has the resources to hide better than most - then - eventually - I figured something would happen that would make it unable to ignore anymore - he would slip up and reveal something even without me tracking him - she would call me - whatever - and when that day came my kids would be older and better able to deal. I chose to stick my head in the sand with my eyes wide open because I felt it was unfair to go hunting for information that would destroy my kids family when they were so young. I didn't even think of getting the truth with the hope of rebuilding our marriage because I felt if I found out he had a physical affair I would never be ablr to get over it and we would have to divorce. He cut off all contact with OW - I think. This was not a comfortable place to be in for about 2 years - I just "put a bandaid on it and closed the door" - to quote someone on another forum - cant remember who said it but wow - perfect description! Then I got pregnant with out 3rd baby and my son and I almost died during the delivery and the pregnancy was like hell too - so that destracted me for about a year and a half - my H and I got closer and I finally let myself fall completely in love with him and trust him again. Then - just as I am totally comfortable again I see the massage parlor crap. My first thought was - damn the day of reckoning actually came and I was hoping it would be much later when my kids are older. But now I am right back to the place of ignoring again and if you had asked me 4 years ago if I would be able to stuff this event in the closet I would have said hell no - but once you start stuffing things in the closet it becomes a hard habit to break. I'm not sure if anything other than seeing the affair happen could shake me out of this denial place I am in right now - and it really surprises me that I am stuck in this place - that is so not me. Not sure what to do about it or how to get unstuck. But - I'm eating and sleeping and way better then before - that closet door is firmly closed right now - so weird. I will set up counseling because I know the door will fly open when I least expect it. But - I still do feel that the longer I can ignore - the older my kids will get - and the happier they will be. So I've heard the advise given the last few days on tracking him and think - why would I go hunting for info that will gut me? I used to be a sleuth with him 4 years ago and it was exhausting. I know you all know I am stuck - so thank you for being patient with me.


Me: 36 - possible BW
Him: 41 - possible WH
3 amazing kids 10,7 and 2
Married 12 years
One round of counseling 4 years ago due to lies and possible emotional affair on his part.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
aigalost
New Member
Member # 42206
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Sorry to bug people - just sending out a reply to see if it continues to go to my email.


Me: 36 - possible BW
Him: 41 - possible WH
3 amazing kids 10,7 and 2
Married 12 years
One round of counseling 4 years ago due to lies and possible emotional affair on his part.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Okay, stupid question here...are ALL massage places run by Asians skanky? A new place opened just down the street from me. Upper middle class suburbia, in the center of a strip mall next to the neighborhood barber, complete with adsvand coupons in the friendly little weekly paper.

I hate to stereotype... My nail place offers massage as well, I've never seen a male in there...


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3758 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

aigalost - If you do not want email alerts, leave the box next to "Notify me via email on responses." unchecked when posting. If you do not click the box, then you will not receive the email alerts.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:37 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 36403 | Registered: Mar 2011
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I saw one advertising a hot tub. Can you even imagine the nasty primordial soup cooking it that human crock pot? Ugh!


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1583 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
forgivingnow
Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

This post is about women whose husbands have gone to massage parlors needing support. If you want to discuss your feelings about this type of infidelity please start another post. It is hard enough to deal with this.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 9:30 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

forgivingnow -

If you have an issue, please let a mod know. Leave the moderating to the mods.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 29