SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
I Can Relate
User Topic: Support for S A H Parents Affected by Infidelity
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)

A thread for stay-at-home parents and the issues directly related to infidelity.

[This message edited by UR_AN_IDIOT at 9:39 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)

Thank you so much for this!

I'm lucky to have a remorseful, hard working FWH, but I still feel lost a lot of the time, as my life is centered around a situation that is very far from the family I always pictured having.

I know that I've talked with a lot of people who feel trapped without an income, or the "social" aspect that comes with getting out of the house and getting to work.

So much of our identity seems to revolve around our children and our families, that something like infidelity really shakes up our reality.

Whether feeling forced into limbo because we have no logistical means of an exit, or whether we just feel lost in our place in the universe sometimes, I really look forward to talking to other SAH Parents about the unique difficulties we face in this position, and our tips and tricks for surviving.

Thanks again, SI!


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)

I belong to this club!

Like you, jrazz, my Hs A really shook my reality.

I think I'm JUST NOW getting to the point where people would even want to be around me, socially.

We moved right after d-day, so I was a SAHM, going through this, and adjusting to a new town. I had neither the time, nor the inclination to make new friends.

When I found my reality shaking the hardest, I took stock of the things that I valued and made sure to engage in activities that supported those values. I had to shove aside the values surrounding M, but I found plenty more that were enough to sustain me.


Posts: 10893 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
PlainsGirl29
Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)

yeah, finally I thought we needed this one!

As you see from my siggy I am in the D process and still Sahming as of now, though I am actively looking for employment.

To be honest I fought myself a lot this past year since finding out about the A, I really wanted to stay in the M at least temporarily in order to SAH longer, I think it is why i tried to R, because my daughter was so young at the time. Once she turned 1 year and stbx went back to wandering i knew it was time to go.

It has been hard and it will be adjusting to working soon. But I am grateful to have had these years with my kids.


Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
Beneficence
Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)

This will be a good, useful thread! I too am a S A H mom, and have been for the last 11 years. I think part of the shock of D-Day was realizing what a vulnerable position I've been in. I trusted blindly that I would forgo my career so that our children could benefit from an active, present parent.

We are seperated now, but still have all of our finances joint. I've gone back to school, and it'll be a good 3 years before I graduate and get ready for the workforce in my chosen career. It's nervewracking facing the struggles of wrapping my head around having to completely scrap my idea of my life and start a completely different path. But I look forward to standing on my own two feet again. I don't ever want to feel this vulnerable ever again.

~Bene


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)

Thanks for starting this thread! I think there are a lot of SI members who will find this helpful.

I guess I am fortunate that my H is very remorseful and is willing to put in all the hard work needed to repair our M. However I still feel stuck. I have been trying to get a job, but right now I only have an AA so its been difficult. I look forward to getting to talk with others in my situation!


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 982 | Registered: Jul 2012
Cannaman
Member
Member # 33834
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, September 6th (Thursday)

Allow me to be the first SAHD to chime in. This has been extremely difficult. WW claims she was fed up with my inability to maintain the household and pay attention to her. In moments of anger she tells me I have not contributed anything to this family. These were the kinds of things she would say to OM, makes me feel like under the surface she resents me.
I am interested to hear from other SAHD affected by this.


m BS/ FWBF/ F pill addict binge drinker 33 h FWW/ BGF 34
d 5 s 3
My A: ONS 2003 other inappropriate behavior/ poor boundaries
Her A: 5 month EA/PA 2011
DDay 8/30/11 (I caught her and confessed to mine)
married 3 years, together 15 working on R/

Posts: 397 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: right behind you
quedagh
Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, September 6th (Thursday)

A great idea for a thread.

Hi stay at home parents!

Since the birth of my oldest little I was the stay at home parent (9 years). Mutual decisions. Fed her desire for recognition,career, accolades, social position, and daddy approval.

All rewritten history, now. I was just "lazy" and didn't want to work (despite carrying two contract jobs that made at home parenting possible, immaculate house, best yard in the neighborhood, laundry always done, dinner planned and ready when she chose to arrive home on time, drove every field trip and helped in classrooms).

The 50/50 custody split still eats me. I miss them so much on my non weeks. She is alienating them from her after sort of stepping up as a parent for awhile. Now, they are just pawns to her. I hurt for them. They tell me... everything and know I am their rock. It just makes me sad for them. They are so afraid of making her unhappy and work so hard to earn her attention. I keep reminding them it isn't their job to make either of us happy. They get it with me.

Still recovering from the career suicide of stay at home dadding. Where I live- the dad at home is not even remotely respected - more of a joke and a pity.

I wouldn't change a minute of the time, though. Most meaningful experience of my life.

Look forward to participating.



Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
quedagh
Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 6th (Thursday)

Hey, C-Man,

Yep- same kind of resentment. Mine claimed (at rare moment of almost remorse) that she envied my time with the kids. Instead of addressing it... among other things... she had to have an affair.

Over time, she has claimed she resented pretty much everything about me- including breathing. And blames me for everything, too- including her taking up smoking.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
Stillhere97
Member
Member # 36122
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, September 6th (Thursday)

I am a SAHM, My husband Traveled out of the country last year so I was also like a single parent. I found out at the end of the school year, now kids are back in school and I am lost. Yesterday was hard cause it felt like he was gone again, he is back and doing all the right things, but it's the one wrong thing that tinges my heart. We are in R and doing well. He now sees all I do for this family and is acknowledging me and my work as a SAHM.


BW 38
WH 40
Married 14yrs
2 kids
One night stand in foreign country
Process R!!!

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jul 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, September 6th (Thursday)

Welcome dads and moms!

Thoughts regarding the household upkeep -

I feel like I hear almost a 50/50 split of reports, and it saddens me that we stress out about this when trying to figure out where the WS lost their love for us and started resenting us.

For example - I ofter hear, "I kept this place SPARKLING every day, and it still wasn't good enough!" Conversely I hear, "I didn't have time or energy to keep up with the household, and WS held it against me."

I think it's one of those things that is used more as an excuse than an actual reason to pull away from the SAHP.

Our worth shouldn't be tied in any way to household chores. It took FWH 1 day of paternity leave to get that.

Just my $0.02 this morning.


Hugs and robo-vacuums.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, September 6th (Thursday)

Posting as a member....

Still recovering from the career suicide of stay at home dadding. Where I live- the dad at home is not even remotely respected - more of a joke and a pity.

Ugh I hate hate hate this. As much as there is a stigma for women who stayed at home with their kids and want to get back to work, I imagine that with society's biased expectations it would be more difficult for a man trying to return to the workforce.

I went to an interview a few months ago, and got so far as to do a panel interview with some of the people on the team.

One woman asked me, and I QUOTE, "Since you have stayed at home for the last two years, do you feel you have grown as a person since you were not working?"

I wanted to fucking throw a chair.

Excuse me? While you were sitting here drinking lattes and typing on your computer, I was RAISING A HUMAN BEING. You spent 8 hours a day in this peer-based community of intellectual self-congratulates while I spent 24 hours feeding, bathing, clothing, entertaining, teaching, and loving another person! How have I GROWN?!?!

Blargh - end rant.

Productive afterthought - I think that we all need to band together and include parenting on our resume. Listing all the things we do throughout the day for our kids is worth something, dammit!

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:11 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
CallMeRed
Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, September 6th (Thursday)

SAHM of 3 here and I have been for 10 years.

Currently on the rollercoaster and not quite sure what the future holds with our M but we are both talking and thinking a lot.

My children are my reason for being, they have been since they were born. But it has been hard work. And mostly left to me with little help. WH also admitted last night he did feel a bit "left out" when they were babies.

And, yes, I have heard all about the fact that our house is not clean enough My children are content, happy and polite, healthy individuals. That is what matters to me.

Fearing having to get a low paid job if we split. I am currently researching benefits etc here in the UK and the picture is not as bleak as I first thought so not too worried in the short to medium term.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
quedagh
Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 6th (Thursday)

Perfect Rant, Jrazz!

In interviews (always men) I get the, "I wish I could spend more time like that," loaded statement. At first I did not recognize the tone.

I started answering (when the tone was obvious), "Well, I will never look back at fatherhood with regrets."

And... I agree- happy, healthy children are waaaay more important than the house all shiny.

I miss the days (now that they are older) when every pair of jeans I owned had giant holes in the knees from playing on the floor!


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, September 6th (Thursday)

I guess I'm lucky that my H never really complained about the state of the house. He might occasionally say, "Wow, it's getting pretty messy in here" to which I would reply, "If it bothers you feel free to pick it up". That usually was the end of the conversation

I do feel like I don't get any respect for my choice to be a SAHM and I am having trouble finding work because of my lack of job history (been staying at home for the past 10 years). However, I have a ton of volunteer experience that is being overlooked. It's very time consuming to be a cookie mom for girl scouts, a room parent at school, and a teacher at the church. It does give me skills that can be used in a workplace, but many employers don't see it that way.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 982 | Registered: Jul 2012
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, September 6th (Thursday)

I've faced a LOT of judgment for my decision to SAH. We made TREMENDOUS sacrifices to have it this way. Can't tell you how many times people ask if I'm looking for a job. It's like they think we sit around watching cartoons and eating cheerios all day!

I never say this in response to the judgment, but I KNOW that my child values my presence in her life (She goes to school here, as well) more than any material item I could work my butt off to give her. (Don't get me wrong, she has plenty!) In 20 years, she isn't going to thank me for the ________________ (*whatever*), but she'll thank me for being there. She already has. She was at her wits end with bullies in school and said she was so glad she had parents who were THERE for her.


Posts: 10893 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, September 6th (Thursday)

Love this thread! We really needed this!


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3276 | Registered: Apr 2009
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, September 6th (Thursday)

We need this space.

Recent text from WH states that I need to get a real job and start helping out and taking on responsibility. LMAO!!!!

I just blow him off.

I'm a really great mom & we had a committment for me to stay home with children. I gave up college - GPA of 3.9 to stay home with these children. He is never going to get how important it really is, so I just blow him off now.

Besides, he was coming in the house (bad choice of words lol) with OW while I was working my part time job, so why would I want to give them more time to break in and do whatever it is they like to do?????

Anyway, I sometimes feel the world has passed me by, that I don't have the nice clothes of the working people, nor can I keep up with their conversations...but...I am happy at home & my children really like me here after school!!!

I do have to get a job soon & it really stinks for my youngest even tho he is 12....

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:48 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1692 | Registered: Jan 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, September 7th (Friday)

I do have to get a job soon & it really stinks for my youngest even tho he is 12....

Don't beat yourself up about it! The fact that you were home with him until 12 is wonderful.

My mom went back to work when my sister was in Middle School and I was in High School, and we saw such a positive change in her.

I think it will be really good for the family.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, September 7th (Friday)

Besides, he was coming in the house (bad choice of words lol) with OW while I was working my part time job, so why would I want to give them more time to break in and do whatever it is they like to do?????

OMG. I think that happened to me also.

I'm married to a gaslighter for almost 20 years.

Sucks.

I like being here for my kids and after putting up with his stuff all these years, I feel like I paid my effing dues and don't owe him a damn thing anymore.

I'd be perfectly happy to just stay here, but I'm wondering if he's fixing to yank the rug out when I least expect it so I need to get prepared for when it hits the fan.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2012
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, September 10th (Monday)

Jrazz

Thanks!

Loveis

This is so hard to get thru,,, but I am so happy I have been at home as long as I have!!!!!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1692 | Registered: Jan 2012
rainfan
Member
Member # 32117
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, September 10th (Monday)

I have been a SAHM since the birth of our only son, nearly 8 LONG years, and I have enjoyed (nearly) every bit of it. There were times when my husband was away for a month or more at a time with his work, and we chose not to pursue daycare due to the expense. FWH really dropped the ball in the parenting department those first 5 years, and I think that was part of the reason he felt so poorly about himself leading up to his A. I know I resented the hell out of him for it, in fact on DDAY, I told him from that day on, he was going to be Mary effing Poppins, at that point he was to be the primary caregiver and I was taking finished taking the brunt of that responsibility. In fact, when his A started, he was basically unemployed and I had started working full time. Those were the worst 3-4 months of our relationship, I was ready to throw in the towel, way before discovering his A.

Anyway, now I work 2 days a week, always keeping in mind that if this reconciliation does not work out, I will be fully back in the workforce and that is so scary. It will be so tough financially.


BS 41
WH 39
7 year old child
M 9yrs
Together 16yrs
DDay 9/28/10

Posts: 170 | Registered: May 2011
nordicbabe
Member
Member # 35419
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, September 10th (Monday)

Another SAHM here. I gave up my career to support his about 8 years ago, when his really took off and we had to move a few times for it.

We had loads of discussions about what i was giving up and he was absolutely clear that he would always have my back. Apparently with a knife in it.

He now tells me I'm lazy and sit around the house doing nothing all day and berates me to get a job, which is not easy in my field in the area we live in.

I am looking but no luck yet. I seriously regret giving up my career for him and cannot believe what kind of position I've found myself in.


Posts: 1468 | Registered: Apr 2012
Beneficence
Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, September 10th (Monday)

Nordicbabe -

We had loads of discussions about what i was giving up and he was absolutely clear that he would always have my back. Apparently with a knife in it.

*snort!* That is sooooo true. We had the same discussions - how nervous I was to quit work and I didn't want to be vulnerable, blah blah blah. He always swore up and down everything would be great. It was less than 6 months after that he started the 10 years of cheating.


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, September 13th (Thursday)

Just talked to a good friend today who has been through a lot of this.

They have 2 kids, she's home with them. Her WH doesn't even speak to her anymore.

It just hurts my heart that she lovingly mothers those children every day and that's not even worth the dignity of acknowledgement from him.

Hugs to moms and dads today who put their kids first because it's their loving instinct. You are very special, important people.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Kiwigirl
Member
Member # 36185
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, September 17th (Monday)

Hi there mums and dads
I am a SAHM until tomorrow. I think my being that enabled his A (not blaming myself here). Once I gave up work to look after our 4 children he began to view me differently and very clearly began to separate his home life and work life. He lied about money, going out and eventually had an A. He lived like a single man for 18 months while I was at home looking after the children. All the financial sacrifices of being a one income family were borne by me and the children. He just used his credit card and hid the statements from me. 5 years after meeting him I am in a much worse financial position than when I met him. I used up all my savings to pay off the debt I knew about, unknowingly we have been paying off the rest in monthly instalments all along. He was off having his cake while I was living in this whole other world caring for our family and bearing all the responsibility for them.

Now I have to go back to work, I start tomorrow. In some ways it is a good thing. I will get my independence back, i may be able to leave him if R doesn't work, I may own my own home one day. But I am so angry. The only reason I agreed to having the third child (which turned out to be twins) is that I would be SAHM. I said at the time that a bigger family needs that extra commitment, that it was the only way it would work. I didn't want another child but I had one on that basis. Now he can't deal with the stress, acting out by having A etc, and just to protect myself and my children, I have to go back to work. I am so p####ed off and resentful.

I think that you can't do anything more important for your children than be there at home for them. I know they would e better off if it was me at home with them. I hate that he has taken that choice away from me.

Sorry about venting. So glad there is a thread where people might understand all this.


BS - 36 (me)
WH - 34

D-Day 19 April 2012
Trying R


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, September 19th (Wednesday)

Hey kiwigirl. I totally hear your frustration. I think we all do.

I think that you can't do anything more important for your children than be there at home for them. I know they would e better off if it was me at home with them. I hate that he has taken that choice away from me.

I've seen families do well with both the parents at work, but it's a whole different ball game if it's not your choice in the first place. My mom stayed home with my sister and I, and she was unhappy in her marriage, and it totally affected us.

Now that your circumstances have changed, you're offering them the NEW best option which is gaining some independence and showing them how to make the best of a hard situation.

The game was changed and we are given new rules. I'm really excited for you that you're taking this new step. I have some resentment for my FWH "forcing" my hand to go back to work in some way, but the 2.5 years I've had with DD have been wonderful, and I'm going to make home time count more than ever when I go back to work. Please don't be hard on yourself for not being home. You're going to do wonderfully, and your kids will be fine because you are raising them right.

Keep us posted on how it goes!


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, September 19th (Wednesday)

I am so glad to see this thread. I think SAH parents have a lot of extremely difficult challenges when infidelity is thrust upon them.

I like many of you, chose to SAH and gave up a career to do so. With an agreement that the WH would hold his end of the bargain. Well, as it turns out he was unfaithful before we were even married, so obviously any other agreements made were also tainted and not upheld.

Infidelity is gut-wrenching enough, a horrid betrayal difficult to get over in and of itself. Add to the mix when they have squandered your finances and put you in circumstances that make a clean exit or plan B impossible, it's torture. I moved out of state to follow his job. Now as a resident of this state, I can't leave this state with the kids without a complicated custody agreement that forces me to pay for transportation for the kids to have visitation with WH.

I've had to do a lot of things I never thought I'd do:
investigate all my separation and divorce options
get money put in a bank account he can't touch
get a safe deposit box and a PO box he can't access
pay lawyer fees equivalent to getting a D to set up a post-nup in hopes of avoiding a messy D in the future
only to realize that even with spousal support in the agreement, if he decided to continue his wandering (with prostitutes, anonymous hookups, etc) he could lose his career and all his earning potential, which would mean not even child support for our three kids
figure out how I can get back into the workforce after not being in it for 8 years, in one of the most depressed area of the US with one of the highest unemployment rates
figure out a legal workaround so I am not tied to this state if I need to take my kids and go

EVERY decision, EVERY action I have taken as a result of his infidelity has been affected by me being a SAHM. Because we have kids, I can't get him out of my life forever. Because I have no earning power, I didn't have the means to throw him out on DDay. Because I couldn't leave the state without potentially facing federal kidnapping charges, I couldn't even go live with my parents with the kids to get back on my feet. I have not been able to do anything that I would have been my first instinct if I had instead chosen to work outside the home and remain a stronger earner.

And while we are trying to R, it's only because I have had to stay while building the seemingly impossible Plan B, and have seen him finally do the work to fix himself and our M. Yet I still will always have the safety net account/safe deposit box/PO box/etc of my own, because I will never 100% trust him or anyone again.

I don't have any regrets choosing to SAH. It has been a privilege and a gift to be there for my kids and watch them grow up. I can't even regret being with WH, because without him I wouldn't have these three great kids. What I do regret is that there aren't more positive options available to SAH parents when they are affected by infidelity. There should be punitive damages awarded in a fault divorce when the SAH parent is betrayed.

Anyway, this is angry and rambling but I'm glad this thread is here.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1399 | Registered: Jun 2011
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, September 21st (Friday)

Well put and posted, hathnofury.

Welcome to the thread.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, September 21st (Friday)

SAH homeschooling mom here. Have been for 11 years.

And I had NO idea how vulnerable this made me. Then DDay 1 I began to have an idea. 1 year of false recovery, then he got fired for sexual harassment and OMFG I have a full idea of how vulnerable I am.

He's been unemployed (and unable to get unemployment due to why he was terminated) for 2 months now. We've had to borrow. Cobra is 1700 a month! We've had to go on food stamps. He's working under the table for FIL making 1/3 of what he used to make while he's trying to get another job. He has been passed over for 3 now. *sigh*

Once he is working again I will be squirreling away money like you won't believe. Even though we are trying to R, I will NEVER EVER be put in this situation again. I mean I sold my goats on cragslist for goodness sakes for groceries shortly after he got fired. (what savings we did have were eaten by cobra for 2 months)


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1974 | Registered: Feb 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, September 22nd (Saturday)

That sounds amazingly difficult, SB, yet you sound really strong. I'm so sorry that you've been through all of that.

We all need to take a page from your book and learn that constructing a safety net is not a bad thing.

(((SamanthaBaker)))


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, September 22nd (Saturday)

Thanks Jrazz, but I don't feel very strong at all. Yesterday was our 12 year anniversary and I've been a complete mess this week. He wanted to "celebrate" and mark it as a new beginning. I was like WTF? What's there to celebrate, the fact that the past 5 years, almost half of our marriage has been a complete lie? I couldn't do it. I could not put on a fake happy face and do it.

It's been two months since the second DDay and I'm just utterly exhausted. I've gotten out of the shock and numb phase and I'm in the anger/rage phase. He's being very understanding, he's showing remorse, he's going to his SA meetings like clockwork. But I can not wrap my head around everything he's done. I just can't.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1974 | Registered: Feb 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 22nd (Saturday)

I think there's some unrealistic, yet deeply ingrained notion that we are supposed to have everything figured out based on the information presented to us.

In our day to day lives we come across conflicts, and we find the best way to resolve them and move on.

This isn't like being out of milk or breaking an arm. There's no prescribed A-Z for how to get through this to effectively move on, and yet we are constantly holding on to the notion that we should have a solution, or gameplan at least.

The best advice people gave me here in the first year was to cut myself slack for not having my head screwed on, and to give myself way more time to see how I feel about everything.

In regards to your husband wanting to celebrate the anniversary, I remember going through a lot of that tug-o-war with FWH. Not that it is remotely our fault, but they ARE kinda in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't spot when it comes to celebrations for a while. What I mean is that while our hearts aren't in to celebrating anything, we also want our FWS to acknowledge any possible thing that could be meaningful. If they had ignored the holiday it would have been a million times worse, but as it stands it's also too difficult to comprehend unwrapping gifts and exchanging pleasantries.

When I was able to communicate to Crazz that I needed him to make a ton of effort - ALL the effort sometimes, and be prepared for me to reject the offer, he was able to see that just showing me that he was always willing to do what it takes helped me to slowly feel better, and to participate in family things baby step by baby step.

If you can get your WS to understand that shelving their ego and being flexible for you will go miles towards healing, you may be able to get back into a better space sooner.

Hugs hugs hugs.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 22nd (Saturday)

Now that your circumstances have changed, you're offering them the NEW best option which is gaining some independence and showing them how to make the best of a hard situation.

BAM! There it is. My Good Thought for the day.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8713 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, September 22nd (Saturday)

Great thread. Thanks. I became a sahm 3 years ago when we moved for his job to a place where I can not work. Ironically, he felt like he didn't know who I was after this mutually agreed on change in family division of labor. And he began his affair within the first year of me being a sahm. Now I worry that I stay because of how vulnerable I am. And the situation we have put ourselves in with his job and choices surrounding our boy's schooling. We will see how this plays out.


D-day: Christmas 2011 when i saw a text from MarriedOW to WH
D-day 2: 3/28/2013: confessed phone sex over 10 years ago (2000 or 2001) with another OW

Married for over 14 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school


Posts: 1419 | Registered: Dec 2011
uprooted
New Member
Member # 36843
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, September 22nd (Saturday)

I am in the same situation as many of you. I have been a SAHM for 11 years. We have moved 3 times for his career since I have been at home. I never thought I would have to worry about financing an exit plan. Luckily we have very little debt but in a few years our 3 kids will start going off to college so we are saving for that.

He wanted to "celebrate" and mark it as a new beginning. I was like WTF? What's there to celebrate, the fact that the past 5 years, almost half of our marriage has been a complete lie?

I am in the same situation. Our anniversary is next week and he wants to celebrate too. My WH also had a LTA of 5 years. I just don't know what there is to celebrate. We are in R and he has put forth the effort but I just don't feel it. He is remorseful and says he has moved on and won't ever do anything like that again. Well, good for him. I haven't moved on. I am still struggling and just can't seem to move past this pain.


ME: BS (44)
HIM: WS (46)
DDAY: December 2011 after 5 yr EA & PA
MARRIED: 19 YRS, together 25
3 kids: 15, 11, 9
R: Trying

Posts: 19 | Registered: Sep 2012
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, September 22nd (Saturday)

Thank you for this thread!

Another SAHM here, for nearly eight years. I made a big mistake when I was 28, and I gave up my career to marry my now-STBX. I loved that career. But instead, I gave it up and moved to my current city, a place where it's impossible to pursue my former career.

I did work for years afterwards until having my first child. After struggling with infertility for five years, I was thrilled to become pregnant. Now I have two children, 6 and 7.

Like several others here, I am married to a man who developed a lot of serious problems through the years: he's a sex addict and has NPD. I was distracted with my two babies for a while. His personal problems have dramatically affected his income. My child support will be miserly. I can't begin to live on it. And like Hath, I can not move back to my parents without a potential legal battle.

I have to add that I've worked with two female divorce attorneys, and neither bothered to hide their contempt at my situation. Not the sex addiction. Not the NPD! But the fact that I'm a SAHM. My therapist also keeps referring to my marriage as "a very traditional 1950s situation."

I suppose I've been surrounded by very comfortable SAHMs and very polite working moms who would NEVER express these thoughts out loud. Because I've never heard them before in real life. I know tons of women who stay home happily and raise their kids. Many had high-powered careers beforehand. Some go back to work eventually, some don't. But NONE would express contempt. I think it's because I'm so vulnerable - an easy target. And it's made me a little nervous as I try to prepare myself to face the working world again.

Most importantly, though, if I had to do it all over again, I would still stay home. Never again will I have that precious, amazing time with my kiddies. I just hope and pray that they got enough love and security that it will protect them through this divorce.


Posts: 1419 | Registered: Oct 2011
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, September 22nd (Saturday)

It never ceases to dismay me that some people look down their noses at staying home to raise your children. Well, their loss that they don't have enough compassion in them to understand the fulfillment of having your life's work be safeguarding and loving a child.

I'm looking forward to firing my career back up ASAP, but I also cherish every second I have with DD.

ChoosingHope - your kids will love and respect you for being so strong for them. They will see and feel it.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, September 24th (Monday)

I'm looking for inspiration. Are there any former SAHMs here who have already started over in new careers or jobs?

I'm working on my resume, and my eight years at home don't look very good on paper! Has anyone dealt with this yet? I am going to put down that I'm a freelance editor and just list my freelance projects and clients.

Thank you!!!


Posts: 1419 | Registered: Oct 2011
Kiwigirl
Member
Member # 36185
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, September 24th (Monday)

Hi there

Jrazz you are so right. It's just been a week and it feels good. I can't post or read more right now because my dad is visiting us but I will be back to this thread shortly to see you all

Just wanted to say thanks to jrazz for the supportive words and for hearing me vent!

X


BS - 36 (me)
WH - 34

D-Day 19 April 2012
Trying R


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2012
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 24th (Monday)

Hope, what I've heard people do is list SAHM as their occupation, then list the applicable job skills used as a SAHM to the jobs you are applying for. Also helpful if you can supplement it with job skills used in volunteering at the kids' school, church, scouts, soccer, whatever.

Jobs are so scarce here that I am currently considering elderly overnight homecare. It may literally be my only choice for a job right now. I was really hoping to get some sort of 3rd shift part time work at a major business that I could then transfer to a full time salaried job when all three kids are in school full time, but those jobs just aren't available here.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1399 | Registered: Jun 2011
Kiwigirl
Member
Member # 36185
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, September 24th (Monday)

I was lucky and didn't have to do that as I went back to my old job and it had only been three years, they needed someone like me right now so I was lucky but I think hathnofury is right. You need to be creative in the way you think about what you've been doing as a SAHM, list real skills you will have learnt: effective time management, budgeting etc. Then look for opportunities to volunteer, do courses, even retrain if that is affordable. Speak to people you think may know about what sorts of jobs are still in demand right now. So a friend of mine has retrained as a podiatrist (or something similar) because apparently they are a job that is still hard to fill even in a recession. She can do it from her own home and mainly makes house calls to old people (her main customers) and can make appts round her children. I don't think it was her dream job but it is working out really well for her.

[This message edited by Kiwigirl at 2:14 PM, September 24th (Monday)]


BS - 36 (me)
WH - 34

D-Day 19 April 2012
Trying R


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, September 24th (Monday)

I have some SAH parent friends who have successfully reentered the workforce. I think that we're facing a double whammy because the job market is so tough right now. Utilizing ANY personal connections you have is really key.

I'm struggling to find something that fits the schedule I'm hoping to keep with DD, but I'm optimistic.

My secret trick to anyone looking for a job is to cold call. Don't wait for a job listing to open up. Gather emails or physical addresses of places you would like to work, and send them your resume and a cover letter explaining that although you have not heard of openings at that particular company, it has always been a desire of yours to work there and you would like to submit your application for any future openings.

I have gotten 2 jobs by doing that. It was awesome.

Big hugs to everyone today!

[This message edited by Jrazz at 3:40 PM, September 24th (Monday)]


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, September 24th (Monday)

Thanks, all. It's all really helpful advice.

Jrazz, I love your suggestion of writing to places where I would love to work. I would love to work in communications at my city's children's hospital, for example, so maybe I'll try approaching them. A friend also knows someone there and suggested volunteering there in the communications department while I search for jobs. So that's another tip for job searchers.

Thanks!
Hope


Posts: 1419 | Registered: Oct 2011
onason
Member
Member # 36860
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 25th (Tuesday)

Venting.... sorry

So after both of us decided I would stay home with the kids over 6 years ago I find out now that he resents me staying home with the kids and "doing nothing" with my life.

I am now looking for work to do in the evenings so he will have to figure out how to effing get them fed, bathed and to bed in time so that they are not grumpy in the morning for school.

I am just so angry but now I feel like I just need to get my career back on track and figure out what I want/can do once my daughter is in kindergarten next year. And then I guess she will spend half her day in a daycare, at boys and girls club or do full day kindergarten if I get picked in the lottery and can afford the $360/mo.

So.Freakin.Angry!

What I have been doing over the last year is taking in kids to watch here and there, doing data entry from home (very little work so far) and clipping coupons.

I.Am.No.Superwoman.I.Am.Tired

But no, I JUST stay home so the house should be spotless, I should be in shape, I should put out every night, I should have homecooked meals on the table every night, the sink should be clear of dishes at all times..... blah blah blah. Mind you I have to make 90% of our meals from scratch to save money and to keep my WH healthy as he has a kidney disease. But I do nothing, right!

Oh, I wake up at 5:45 2-3 days a week to take in one child whose parents work early shift. I volunteer at my daughter's co-op preschool, I am on the PTSA board at my son's school. Then I take care of an infant at least 2 days a week. Oh and my daughter takes ballet and my son does sports of all kinds. But I do nothing.....


Me 37
WH 42
Together 18 years, Married 8
DS 6, DD 4

DDay#1 9/14/2012
DDay#2 10/12/2012 same OW, it never stopped

I am dead inside, he says he wants to make our M work....


Posts: 59 | Registered: Sep 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)

(((onason)))

He's not being critical because of who YOU are or what you do, he's being critical because there's something wrong inside of him.

It sounds like on top of all your personal responsibilities you're doing a lot for friends as well. Considering everything you're going through, is it at all possible to tell the other parents that you have a schedule shift coming up and they need to make alternate arrangements? It's not mean or bad not to take on other people's issues, it's life and they should understand.

I'd just like to see you get those couple hours of sleep back in the morning. I wish there was someone like YOU around to help you.

Hugs.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)

As far as the resume goes, I'm in the same boat.

I've been a SAHM for 10 (almost 11) years. I don't have anything to put on a resume!!

So what I've done is put all my volunteer work on there. All the work at the kids schools...being a room parent shows my organizational skills, effective communication, stuff along those lines. Being a cookie mom for girl scouts shows my data input skills, accounting, etc.

It looks pretty sad when written down, but at this point there's nothing I can do to change it. I have also thought about volunteering at a hospital or church. Once they get to know you they might look more favorably on your resume when a job opens. Just a thought!


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 982 | Registered: Jul 2012
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)

I also have a tip: temp work. I have gotten two jobs in the past from temping and the company didn't want me to get away.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1399 | Registered: Jun 2011
Please1983
Member
Member # 35894
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)

Just noticed this tread, it's a good idea.
Reading other people's post is a good reminder to me to make sure I am protected as much as possible for the future in case I ever end up with another dday.
I went back to work part time after my first was born 3&1/2 years ago and then took my full years maternity leave after my second was born 2 years ago, before we decided together that it was best for us all if I didn't go back to work.
One month later - Dday. WTF!!! He let me hand in my resignation while he was busy "falling in love" with a 19 year old student placement at his work.
I had never felt so vulnerable or stupid in my life.
I had also been stupid enougth 2 years before Dday to put down a £40,000 deposit of my own money from the sale of my own flat for our current home while he put down nothing. I had and still have nothing in place to protect that money, I don't think now there would be anything I could do.
We are not even married. I would have been left with NOTHING if we had separated.
Luckily we are Ring quite well but this thread has really reminded me to look into what I can do to protect me and the kids just in case.
Thank you SI.


BS me 30
WS him 31 (thankyou1981)
OW 19 year old at his work
Together 9 years
3 boys. 4, 3 and baby.
D-day 20 aug 2011

Posts: 187 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
onason
Member
Member # 36860
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)

All day today I have been job searching.

Currently my schedule around kids' school schedule is M-F 8pm-11pm and Weekends.

Any advice on where to look for this type of schedule??


Me 37
WH 42
Together 18 years, Married 8
DS 6, DD 4

DDay#1 9/14/2012
DDay#2 10/12/2012 same OW, it never stopped

I am dead inside, he says he wants to make our M work....


Posts: 59 | Registered: Sep 2012
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)

Onason, I am in a similar boat. I have an interview Thursday for a position in homecare for seniors. I've told them I only want to work 3rd shift type hours, and only 12-15 hours a week. So that would be short shifts like your hours or 2 overnight shifts. I wasn't sure if that was the kind of hours they needed to cover or limitations they needed to work with, but appears they do.

I know when my parents had to care for their parents in the last stages of their lives, it was extremely difficult to find people to do homecare in the evenings and at night. And quite frankly the job itself does not attract the best and brightest, because it is somewhat depressing and at times physically difficult or mentally draining, and the pay is fairly low. Anyone needing homecare during those hours would be thrilled to have someone like you.

My only other suggestion is maybe looking into a hostess position at a restaurant, because they need people for short shifts to seat people during the dinner rush.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1399 | Registered: Jun 2011
64fleet
Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 27th (Thursday)

Still recovering from the career suicide of stay at home dadding. Where I live- the dad at home is not even remotely respected - more of a joke and a pity.

Was the same here-some employers actually thought I had gone to the pen and just didn't want to admit it. I really regret depending on another for $$$$. Never again. Now I make about half what I made before...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

I just wanted to say I have the final draft of my post-nup in my hand <happy dance> and I couldn't be more pleased. It was a condition of R for me. I thought I would note some of the more genius things in there that apply to SAH parents. YMMV in your state/country, but they are worth investgating if they are applicable in your situation:

I get non-modifiable spousal support monthly for life (until my death or remarriage), and if his income changes he still is liable for that amount (so if he's laid off or whatever, he does not get off the hook).

He forever waives all claims for spousal support from me.

I am a irrevocable beneficiary under his life insurance policies, and he is required to submit proof yearly of such insurance to me in the amount that will cover my spousal support on an annual basis. And if he dies, right after the tax man, I get first dibs on his estate for any outstanding spousal support.

He has agreed to assume all our consumer debt accrued until now if we split. Additionally, any jointly and voluntarily accrued marital debt afterward, I am obligated to only pay a percentage of the debt equal to my income as a percentage of our combined income.

I have the option to leave this state and return to my home state with the kids at any time. It is difficult otherwise for me to relocate from this state with the kids.

If the divorce is initiated due to his infidelity, WH has to pay the first $10k of my lawyer fees. This is really the only area in my state where any concept of "at fault" applies.

If either of us challenge what's in the post nup later on, that person must pay the first $10k of the other's lawyer's fees.

I hope these are helpful. If anyone else has other things to add to the list, I'm all ears.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1399 | Registered: Jun 2011
carey
Member
Member # 35829
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 27th (Thursday)

I'm a SAHM too!! I have 2 children 10 & 5 yrs old. I worked FT until I had my first child. Luckily, I was able to work PT at the same company, after both children were born. I liked working PT because other than going to work, I really never went out.

3 yrs ago, I lost my job & have been a SAHM since.

The MOW was a SAHM too. Actually, she claimed she worked from home. But, I don't know how she did that when she was always texting/sexting/sending pics/making videos for my WH!!

She was the "team mom" of our sons hockey team that my WH coached, so, I got to spend a lot of time w/her. Lucky me!!


me(BW) 41
him (WH) 40
D-day 1/17/12
together for 22yrs, married 12 yrs.
2 children ages 10 & 5
You can close your eyes
to the things you don't
want to see. You can't close
your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jun 2012
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday)

Hath,
You did an amazing job on the doc. Are you requiring him to pay the annual life insurance premiums upfront at the beginning of each year, and then show proof that they were paid?

I'm working on this as part of my divorce settlement agreement, but my attorney tells me it's nearly impossible to enforce. She says that he might simply stop paying the premiums at any point, and it would take me a while to figure it out. By then the policy would be null and void.

So she suggested that I pay the premiums, which would be nearly $500 a month!

And yes, I am a SAHM with no salary yet.

(((Carey))) The OW in my case has a very high-powered job, yet she spends at least four hours a day there sexting and texting, etc. I just wrote this to let you know that you are not alone! I'm amazed to learn what some people choose to do with their time.

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 8:13 AM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1419 | Registered: Oct 2011
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)

Was the same here-some employers actually thought I had gone to the pen and just didn't want to admit it.

What. The. HECCCK!?!?!?

People can be so lame sometimes.

Well, your reward is getting to spend some precious time in this life with your kids. That's what I turn to when I feel frustrated - I just look at DD and think of all the good times we've had together.



For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
cantbelieve
Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 4th (Thursday)

I love this thread. 25 years ago, we agreed that I would stay at home with the kids. At first my H thought I'd go back to work when they started school (3 kiddos). His hours were long (work-a-holic) and I/we decided I'd continue to stay home. I volunteered and was at every school function, awards, pickup, drop-off, pick them up when sick, doctors, sports practice, etc. I could go on and on, but everyone here knows what's involved in being a SAHP. Then, after 21 years, I discover that my H had been involved in an A for 4 years. I panicked. How on earth could I find a job after being out of the workforce for 21 years. I started thinking about job hunting and/or volunteering and he started reducing his hours and work and is working hard at finding "fun" things for us to do in retirement.

I am one of the lucky ones (I guess, if you call facing infidelity lucky). Because of all his hard work, we are extremely financially set. My youngest left for college this year and 2 weeks later we took a trip to the Grand Canyon (just the 2 of us)

Even though I am approaching 4 years out, I still struggle daily with his A and I still check up. I've learned so much from this forum that I know if I face another dday, I'm prepared to take him down!!!

There are no promotions, raises, travel or perks to being a SAHP, but the rewards of being there for your kids as long as you can outweigh all of that.

[This message edited by cantbelieve at 1:23 PM, October 4th (Thursday)]


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, October 4th (Thursday)

I'm not a SAHM now. I was for a while after my first child was born. My CS was an alcoolic and cheated on me a long time. I had no way to get out as his parents had plenty of $$ and would help him fight for custody of my daughter. My family was 1100 miles away and could not help me. I worked a few odd jobs during those years, but hated them all. I finally got sick of it and went to college at age 30. I had a full time waitress job, went to college full time, and took care of my daughter. CS#1 hurt his back, went on SSI, and never lifted his fingers to do a thing around the house and is still on SSI until this day. He hasn't worked in 25 years. I got pregnant during my college time, but did not quit. I just added more stress to my already stressful life. I was determined to never be put in the situation again of depending on someone else for my income and well being. Well, he finally did cheat again and I was through with him. It cost me 2 yrs to get the divorce and 5 years to pay off all my credit cards from paying lawyers, but at least I was free of him at last and could support myself. I mistakenly fell for my now CS#2 during my divorce and we married shortly after it was final. He thought I was a real catch because I worked, made good money, and his first wife couldn't hold down a job but for a few months. We always had our own bank accounts, paid half the bills due, split basically everything. That didn't matter, he still cheated on me. I have now not worked in a year, due to emotional and health problems as a result of his 3 yr affair. I had decided to start my own business from my home and am finally starting to get that off and running I hope. I just want to get back to being finacially able to walk away from this mess and get on with my life. My best friend has been at SAHM for over 20 years. Now her husband wants her to get a job and has basically cut her off from his $$ except to pay bills and buy groceries. It has really caused a major problem in their marriage and at her age she is scared to even try to get a job. She says they just take her application and she never hears from them. I have always envied SAHM, but also know the risks they take by doing so when push comes to shove. When your spouses decide to stray and when the kids are finally grown, then what will happen??? Just something to think about IMO.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
DragnHeart
Member
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 4th (Thursday)

I am a member of this club, for the moment anyways. I'm looking for work although trying to find something that doesn't overlap wh hours is rather frustrating...


Posts: 2760 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, October 4th (Thursday)

Hope asked:
Are you requiring him to pay the annual life insurance premiums upfront at the beginning of each year, and then show proof that they were paid?
I'm working on this as part of my divorce settlement agreement, but my attorney tells me it's nearly impossible to enforce. She says that he might simply stop paying the premiums at any point, and it would take me a while to figure it out. By then the policy would be null and void.

So she suggested that I pay the premiums, which would be nearly $500 a month!

Well, no, because his current life insurance is through his employer and is deducted though his paycheck. And some of it is free. But he still has to show me he has it at regular intervals.

My L also suggested taking out a life insurance policy on WH on my own, for my own safety. For the worst case scenario, like he gets fired, then commits suicide, that sort of thing. I have not done that but as soon as I go back to work I am definitely looking into it. I won't be able to afford $500/mo for sure but I am sure I could find something that would help some in that event.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 2:53 PM, October 4th (Thursday)]


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1399 | Registered: Jun 2011
quedagh
Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, October 10th (Wednesday)

Fear-

As if the job quest isn't difficult enough...

My ex WW has threatened time and time again that she would go after more custody if my job situation changes and I do not have the flexibility I have with the contract work I do now.

Isn't it enough that I gave up half the time (from 95%) during the marriage?

Ugh. This sword hangs over my head every time I target a resume and work up a letter.

Intellectually I know how hard it is to change established custody... emotionally it takes its toll... financially I know she would force the issue just to drain the resources she resents paying me at the D.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, October 15th (Monday)

Intellectually I know how hard it is to change established custody... emotionally it takes its toll... financially I know she would force the issue just to drain the resources she resents paying me at the D.

I'm so sorry.

I'm also having difficulty wrapping my brain around the fact that people don't put their kids first, and use them as bargaining chips.

I wish I knew more about "the system" to offer you advice. You're kids are always going to know you as a man who tries to to the right thing.

(((quedagh)))


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
hurtandscared30
New Member
Member # 37127
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

I am also a SAHM...I have no money of my own, no car, and a poor work history (because of the impulsive way I quit my one job-it was a long term job)so I haven't been able to find a job. I have been out of work for nearly 3 years now...our oldest child (a girl)is 16 months old, and we also have a 3 month old son. Since the birth of our boy, I have caught my husband engaging in extremely inappropriate online behavior multiple times. Profiles on hook-up sites, sexual emails from women, etcetera. Now everytime he says he has a work meeting I'm scared he's really hooking up with some random chick...when he's spending large blocks of time on his phone or on the computer I'm scared he's texting/chatting with other women, or browsing womens profiles on hook-up sites. I hate not having a job...at least if I did I could start saving money in case I decide we can't reconcile and I need to leave.


BS: Me 30
WS: Him 33
DD: 19 months old
DS: 6 months old
D-day 1: August 19th 2012
D-day 2: August 30th
D-day 3: September 5th
D-day 4: October 2nd

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Washington
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

(((hurtandscared)))
I'm so sorry you're in this position with such little babies.

Do you have family nearby who might be able to help with childcare if you tried to get a part-time job, just to get some recent job experience for your resume?

(((HUGS)))


Posts: 1419 | Registered: Oct 2011
hurtandscared30
New Member
Member # 37127
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, October 17th (Wednesday)

ChoosingHope- Most of my family live about a 30 minute drive away, the rest even farther. I do have one friend nearby who has said she would be willing to watch them when she's not working...the real problem is actually finding a job. I've applied for around 70 jobs in the past two months, and have even called back to check on application status, but haven't even gotten an interview yet.


BS: Me 30
WS: Him 33
DD: 19 months old
DS: 6 months old
D-day 1: August 19th 2012
D-day 2: August 30th
D-day 3: September 5th
D-day 4: October 2nd

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Washington
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, October 19th (Friday)

I've applied for around 70 jobs in the past two months, and have even called back to check on application status, but haven't even gotten an interview yet.

Even though the time drain is SOOOO discouraging, this is completely normal and in no way a reflection on you.

It is a brutal job market out there right now.

I actually start some part time work next month, and began volunteering for another organization. The volunteering is at night because I can't afford daycare without a *real* job, but I must say that it is a very fulfilling thing to do with my time.

If any of you are looking for jobs and have the energy, volunteering can not only life your spirits, but point you to a job by expanding your circle of connections.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:29 AM, October 19th (Friday)]


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
MuscleMom
New Member
Member # 37028
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, October 19th (Friday)

Well add me to the club. I am a sahm mom to four kids and have been last 3 years. He knew what he as doing to control the situation and to do his cheating.

I am 100% done with him. We share our house because I have no momet or job and the hunt for one is not going well. But I am not giving up!

I stay in the master bedroom and he stays on couch. I am trying hard to land work either online or in person to get some income......please pray something pans out for me soon!


First DD - Dec 10th 2011
False R - February 2012
Last DD - Sept 24th 2012

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, November 4th (Sunday)

Praying for you MuscleMom - any new developments?

I got a PT Holiday position at Macys.

Actually, I APPLIED for the PTH. They hired me on as full time to try and keep me (how NIIICE) but I still get to pick my own schedule. In 4 hour shifts. Online. Weekly.

Sounds too good to be true, but it seems to be legit. I've done all the training and orientation and everything.

Maybe you guys should check out if your local Macys needs Holiday Help!!


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, November 5th (Monday)

Add me to the list of SAHM for the last 21 years. I have worked PT during those years. And I did a stint as a teacher assistant after my marriage imploded. I was working PT for XSO. When he replaced me in his personal life he also replaced me in his professional life.

So back to the drawing board.

In the meantime DD2 has gifted me with a grandbaby, I am a stay at home grammy, as I provide Child care while she works and continues school. Other than hugs and lots of smiles, giggles etc... it doesn't pay.

I have probably sent out about 500 resume's since June. Some interviews, some call backs, one 'we like you, but we've just been notified of a hiring freeze' Something has to give.

Till then selling stuff at local craft fairs, etc.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4000 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, January 13th (Sunday)

I have been a SAHM for almost 12 years. Kids are 12 and 10. Before kids I worked at a jewelry store and a bank for years, but that seems like a lifetime ago.

I do not do any REAL volunteering, no schedule. I help out as needed at school or Girl Scouts. I do watch other people's kids in my home but right now I am down to one child/3days a week. Babysitting money put gas in my car and a few little extras.

My H is an RN, we do OK. We do OK but run tight at the end of the 2 week pay period. We own our small home (well, the bank owns most of it), have 2 decent cars, healthcare...generally things are ok until something POPS UP, like a major home repair.

I can't see going to work just yet. I really don't understand how people do it. My kids are busy. I feel like most of my evenings are spent taking them places, homework, dinner...until bedtime hits.

During the day I go to the gym, run errands, never ending housework, I never have a slow day.

I have always envied working moms who seem to manage it all. I feel like I am just keeping m head above water trying to get everything done.

I know I need some type of plan. I HOPE my marriage works but gone are the days of blindfaith. I know he could leave again. We were separated for 18 months which I did remain a SAHM. H agreed to pay all household expenses during that time, he didn't want the kid's life changing anymore than it already had. BUT I know if he were to leave again he wouldn't agree to that same deal.

I have a not so great health history, I need health insurance for meds and checkups. I have thought about taking in more daycare kids but HI would never happen from that. I have thought about going back to a jewelry store, again, no HI.

I always read that I should go to college or some sort of training, with what? I checked into a 18 month course. There was no magical grant to help with that. We are down to a couple hundred dollars between pays, there is nothing extra for a school payment.

I know millions of women do it I just don't understand how. My therapist has been after me since DDAY(march 2009) to get a plan together in order to be self sufficient. I know she is right. Instead I have done nothing. I so enjoy my life right now as it is. I love being here for my kids and taking care of all house needs. BUT I am aware that any given day that could change.

I guess this has turned into a long rant. My therapist tells me to start taking some action.....anyday now.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3276 | Registered: Apr 2009
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, January 13th (Sunday)

Hey hbat.

So I just took some action. I got a great job. And it stinks. I'm scared about not having my own means, but it's such a gift to be able to be home with DD and I miss it after only one month.

It's so hard to find the balance between what we want, what we need, and the balance between living for ourselves and living for our families/kids.

I agree that taking action is important, but only YOU know deep down in your heart what you want to do. People can suggest things up one side and down the other, but at the end of the day only you know what's best.

I'm sure still trying to figure that out.

(((SAHPs)))


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)

I belong here too. Proud to be a SAHM and a homeschooling mom too. So many family members have pushed me to get a job for years but I know this is best for our kids. Just wanted to say Hi in here.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday)

Hi, wantreallove! Welcome!

I'm so glad that you're standing up for what you believe in. It can be so hard when you're bombarded with judgemental people in the guise of well-wishers. Everyone who's given me advice that felt right said that they followed their own hearts and are happy.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
PlainsGirl29
Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, March 4th (Monday)

Well after my attempt at getting a job and that blew up in my face, I am here to report I am still SAHMing. I have decided i will go back to college for my teachers certificate. I was pushing myself too hard to look for a job and that wouldn't result in really making much money after all the expenses of daycare, gas etc.

I am making an effort everyday now to be grateful for being able to continue staying home with my children, even if it is just temporary, I am looking at another 18months of it while I take my college classes for certification and the spousal support runs out in 20months.

I daily remind myself to be 'patient' with my life situation, and know that I am lucky to have this extra time at home with my children that a lot people in my situation do not have.


Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, March 8th (Friday)

So glad I found this thread. I haven't had a job for at least 8 years. I don't drive and don't have my own money.
Since dday, we've committed to me having my own banking account.
I'm a writer...just finished my first book and working on my second (though it's been difficult to concentrate on work right now). I know it might be years before I make money from the work I'm doing now. But I am working my butt off. Some days I write 5000 words, which I think is pretty good, and yet, I still feel so dependent on WS.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 9:29 PM, March 8th (Friday)]


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 440 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, March 8th (Friday)

@PlainsGirl29 - That sounds like a wonderful idea! I had several jobs blow up in my face before it really sunk in that if it's not meant to be it's not meant to be.... and to try and listen to my got a little more. I'm excited for you!

@sadone29 - Wow, 5000 words a day? That's impressive. I'm glad you have your own savings set up. You can just plunk the royalties down in there when you wrap up the next one.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, March 9th (Saturday)

I too am working on having my own money that is set aside. My WH knows I have some money but he doesn't know where I've hidden it. It's amazing how much better I feel as my stash grows. Right now its only $120 but still it's money that's MINE! After him squandering so much money it's so nice to feel like I have something as a safety net. Keep writing!! I think 5000 words a day sounds like a huge accomplishment!


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
heartbrokennlost
Member
Member # 37500
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, March 10th (Sunday)

I'm part of this group too. I just had a baby boy last May. He's my third child. I have two grown children from a previous marriage. I was not able to stay home with them, but I was lucky enough to have my mom watch them. So, my dream has finally come true. I never thought I'd have a new start, let alone be able to stay at home with my son. It is truly amazing, I appreciate every minute with him. So many things I missed out with the first two. But, sadly, my fairy tale came to an end in Oct 2012, my DDay.

This is the first time in my life that I am dependent on someone. Last July, while on maternity leave, I quit my great paying job of 14yrs to stay home with my baby boy. Although, I don't regret one minute of it, under the present circumstances, I wish I had my independence.


Me-44
FWS-41
Son-18mnths
Son-18yrs
Son-22yrs
Son-18
Son-22
Son-17
Son-21

Posts: 84 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: heartbrokennlost
2amazinggrace
Member
Member # 29738
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, March 10th (Sunday)

Just found this thread!


When we got married, my husband was in school, and I supported us through that.

I started staying home when our oldest was born. Eventually, I started homeschooling the children. At most, I worked part time at their preschool, but for the most part, I stayed at home.

We have been divorced now for a year. The worst feeling in the world is having to depend on him for financial support.

I don't trust him, he has been very deceitful. But, at this point, I need to continue to be here with/for the kids.

They are struggling, and I do not want to leave them on their own right now. Ex moved 14 hours away 3 years ago, and we have no family around.

Right now, I am taking a chance on depending on him to do the right thing, instead of leaving the kids to work outside the home. So far so good, and I don't want to leave them unnecessarily. I will scramble if and when something horrible happens.

Can anyone relate?


Divorced 2011

Posts: 171 | Registered: Sep 2010
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, March 11th (Monday)

Thank you Jrazz and wantrealove! The only problem is that I have yet to actually sell a book. lol!

I've begun saving some money. Right now it's only a few hundred, but like others have said, it's mine! and it feels good.
Anyone have advice as to what I should do with it? Keep it in case I decide to D or do I work at reducing my student loan?


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 440 | Registered: Mar 2013
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, March 11th (Monday)

I feel that other Moms in my neighbourhood have looked down at me for staying at home, so I can only imagine what you Dads have gone through. It's a difficult path for anyone and you should feel proud of having the strength!


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 440 | Registered: Mar 2013
littlehopeleft
New Member
Member # 38697
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, March 11th (Monday)

I am a SAHM as well. Quit my career and school when our first was born almost 8 years ago. I went back 2 days a week when she started pre-k, and now after our son was born only work on Saturday mornings about 5 hours. I would rather be home those Saturday mornings, but I have kept my foot in the door at work just in case I had to ever go back full time. I work to keep the option open. It's much easier than finding a new job. I love being a SAHM but it does leave you very vulnerable. I love this thread and have enjoyed reading every post. I am now thinking about making my own safety net. It's probably a good idea just in case.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013
PlainsGirl29
Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, March 11th (Monday)

2amazinggrace I am doing the same thing. I am relying on Xwh for all $$ for the next 18 months until my spousal support runs out. I am banking my future on grad classes to get a restricted teaching license and begin teaching fall 2014. Not my plan at all, putting DD in daycare even at nearly 3 .5 is still going to hurt.

So far Xwh has been good on paying. I do keep 3000$ in savings for jic money. I live within my means and I am paying down the last of my credit card debt. Unfortunately I will have to go into debt to get certified to teach but, the amount will not be more than 15000$ I am guessing and I will have masters degree and will be in a paid internship for.the last 4000$ and plan to pay as I go then.


Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 14th (Thursday)

sadone29, IMHO I say keep it so that you have something as a safety net.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, March 16th (Saturday)

Thank you wantreallove, that's what I'm thinking as well.

WH is at the bank right now. We've agreed to split all his payments so we each need to pay our own half for everything. Another of his confessions apart from the infidelity was that he was spending tons of money without letting me know. Time for me to wake up and be aware of what's really going on around me!


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 440 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)

Spending my safety net on Disneyland at the end of this month.

It may seem stupid, but I think a few days of DD3 being giddy with happiness is worth it.

I've been a different person than I wanted to be these last 2.5 years. I've tried to be the best mom I can be, but I'm so pissed that the first years of my daughter's life were spent trying to mitigate pain rather than just enjoy her existence.

So yeah, a couple grand disappearing in a few weeks but I'm so excited to give her a magical time. I think it will be worth it...


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ShockedAndHurt
Member
Member # 36657
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, April 18th (Thursday)

Hi. I'm a SAHM to two boys, 4 and 1. WH and I tried to reconcile in part because I was terrified of being a single mum and the financial implications of S. but on DD2 I could no longer stay in a relationship for those reasons. So he now lives elsewhere but our finances are still joined as I have no way to support myself and my kids. I want to be financially independent but I am unwilling to work full time and give up the vital job of raising my children. So I'm looking into ways to be self employed and pick my own working hours etc.

One of the hardest things emotionally, has been the outrage at the fact that I was at home raising our kids while he was taking afternoons off work to go fucking random women.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 33, EA summer 2008, multiple cyber affairs, 3PA summer 2011-summer 2012
Together since 1999, married in 2004
2 Children
DD1: 9th Aug 2012
DD2: 6th March 2013 end of reconciliation and start of separation
DD3: 29th June 2013

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
WoundedOpus
Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, June 17th (Monday)

I was a single parent to my DD after the divorce with my first husband. So when I remarried and had my oldest DS, now 8, I wanted so much to do things differently. I quit my very good paying job and decided to SAH. I think the pressure this put on my FWH was quite a contributing factor in his choice to have an A.

We considered only having one child, but having grown up with 2 siblings of my own that are spread out in ages (all from different fathers), I really wanted our son to have a sibling that he could be close to. So we decided to try for another. FWH was not as onboard with this plan as I, but he also agreed with my reasoning so we went for number 2. Who knew we would get pregnant so fast and end up with twins! I was 3 months pregnant with DS2&3 at DS1's first birthday! Well, there went any plans to return to work...while my job had been a good one, it would never pay enough to cover child care and all the expenses that come with working, so my continued life as a SAHM was solidified.

I was drowning in my SAH life, one that turned out to be much harder than I'd ever imagined. I was trying to be the best SAHM I could, contending with a very difficult 11yo DD, and dealing with my guilt at not actually loving being a SAHP :( I found out about the A soon after we moved into our new house, the twins had just recently celebrated their 1st birthday.

The A was over 5 years ago, and we are still struggling. We have since had a 'surprise' DS, he's now 15mo old, my options for working are beyond limited. I have no degree, have been out of the workforce for 8 years and no chance of finding a job that would cover child care. My DD also had a child of her own at a VERY young age that is almost 3, they both live with us. While she has a full time job at a daycare (takes her DD with her so I don't actually provide childcare), she doesn't come close to making enough $ to move out and be independent, so we are effectively responsible for 6 children. This situation has me feeling trapped, which I resent immensely! We are under water in our house (bought during THE worst time to buy), and have mountains of debt. If I left, we'd both have to file and start all over, with 0 money and tanked credit...I just can't do that to my kids.

I have no family to help me, my mother passed 4 years ago (not that she could have helped me anyway), my father is getting ready to retire, but my step-mom is starting down the long and horrible path of Alzheimer so most of his time and resources will be spent taking care of her (as it should). And really, even if someone would like to help, there are SEVEN of us!!

My FWH does regret his choice to step outside the marriage, but I can count on one hand the actual minutes he's openly discussed it. He's done nothing but rugsweep and avoid since day1 and after 5 years, I'm just not doing well. As confusing as our life was prior to DDay, it's even more so now and I have no confidence in us or our marriage.

We have our good (great) days/weeks/months, but their only as good as my ability to pretend they are :( I am so ANGRY that he has done this to me, but even more angry that he did it knowing I had pretty much NO choice but to stay. Must have been nice to know that even if he got caught, his wife couldn't leave him. And even after 5 years, can still avoid and rugsweep, because really, what am I going to do, leave him?

The past week has been especially bad, but he FINALLY seems to have maybe decided to face what he's done and make a real effort to work with me on this marriage. He downloaded and actually read 2 chapters of How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, there is a small sliver of a chance that we can truly recover...if not, I guess we'll continue plugging along until our youngest DS goes to Kindergarten in 4 years. At that point I'll either go to work or decide that 9 years out and at the age of 41 (and 12 years of being a SAHM) it's just too late to start over... I suppose time will tell.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
Phoenix9
New Member
Member # 39733
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 5th (Friday)

WoundedOpus!!!! Oh my goodness...it seems you have snuck inside my head to write this post.

Although the actual "incident situations" are different, his reaction and your dealings really hit home for me.

We have our good (great) days/weeks/months, but their only as good as my ability to pretend they are :( I am so ANGRY that he has done this to me, but even more angry that he did it knowing I had pretty much NO choice but to stay. Must have been nice to know that even if he got caught, his wife couldn't leave him. And even after 5 years, can still avoid and rugsweep, because really, what am I going to do, leave him?/quote]

Seriously, reading this made me burst out into tears. I hate that anyone has to feel this way. I hate that there are enough butthole WHs out there to make these feelings and situations possible.

It's been just over 6 years since the 1st incident and almost 1 year since the last. We have 4 kids (9, 7, 6, & 2) AND one surprise on the way. I've been struggling EVER SINCE the 1st DDay to get him on board with true R. He has just NEVER gotten it. Really. I have to FREAK OUT anytime I need him to wake the heck up. I'm getting really, REALLY tired of it. Just a few days ago I had to freak out once again because he MAJORLY triggered me by starting to drink again and stay up all night (literally ALL night) on the computer doing God knows what.

HE JUST DOES NOT GET IT. And I'm tired of trying to get him to get it. Sighhhh.....

Sorry for the vent. This is actually only my 2nd or 3rd post on here and I've been building up a lot of steam to release!


Me (BS): 36 Him (WH): 35
Married 12 years (Each other's 1st)
Children: 9, 8, 6, 3 and 1 month
DDay#1: March 2008 EA turned PA (kissing, holding hands)
DDay#2: August 2012 (ONS with kissing on lips and certain body parts)
Hoping for true R.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix9
Phoenix9
New Member
Member # 39733
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 5th (Friday)

Oops. I totally messed up that quote in the last post.

Can you tell I'm new here?


Me (BS): 36 Him (WH): 35
Married 12 years (Each other's 1st)
Children: 9, 8, 6, 3 and 1 month
DDay#1: March 2008 EA turned PA (kissing, holding hands)
DDay#2: August 2012 (ONS with kissing on lips and certain body parts)
Hoping for true R.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix9
mixedintherut
Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)

I belong in this club.

I am struggling so much. I am having a hard time entertaining and staying active with my 4 year old daughter, while trying not to have a breakdown.

She has no clue what is going on. Drawing pictures of her family pointing out which one is daddy, her and mommy. She talks multiple times, daily about wanting a baby sister or a baby brother. It breaks my heart to see her pictures, or to hear her longing for a sibling knowing our family is falling apart before me.

The days seem like months. By lunch time, I am looking forward to bedtime.


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

What about a thread for SAHHSP (Stay At Home Homeschool Parents?)

In my case, it was a mutual decision that one of us should quit our job and not only raise, but school our children. I had two college degrees, and was very fulfilled in my job, but because H could potentially make more money than I could over time, we decided he should keep his job and I stay home with our first child. I thought that being a SAHHM was a higher calling, and I was never bored, and was more busy and mentally challenged than I ever was in my profession.

4 children and 14 years later, (19 years of M at the time) I found out that H wanted to D me to M OW. He thought the children "would be fine" after a D (even though before we M, he said he was deeply damaged by his own parents divorce, and he never wanted to D), and they should go to public school, when he didn't want them in public school before his A, and WH even said I'd be fine: I could get on public assistance!

H has since recanted all of it, and we are working on R. But I can't get his statements out of my mind, and I feel very vulnerable, as well as feeling trapped by our original decision to homeschool. Our 3 children still living at home want to keep being homeschooled, and I can't have a job and homeschool too. I don't think it would be fair to drastically change their lives while H says he is committed to R. So I am putting my own career aside, again, but this time I don't feel safe.

I know I could write a lot on my resume because all I've done while homeschooling: math, science, reading, writing, history, literature, home-ec, computer, art, typing, P.E., health and wellness etc. teacher, curriculum planner, tutor, guidance counselor, nurse, principal, computer technician, activities coordinator, nutritionist, volunteer, driver trainer, chauffeur, spiritual counselor, chef, secretary, records keeper, housekeeper and housekeeping trainer, laundry specialist, household maintainance supervisor, and who knows what else I left out. None of the above have much to do with my original profession, but it shows that I have not been "doing nothing" since I left the field.

Fellow homeschoolers on SI free to use ideas from the above list for your resume.

Because of the time demands of homeschooling, and our commitment to try to keep life as stable as possible for our children during R, I can't get a job until after the children are grown and/or out of the house. So now I feel like I am trusting a proven untrustworthy person with my future well being, but I feel I have no choice but to do so.

edited because I am a lousy typer.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 2:08 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I forgot to add that both my parents are dead, my siblings are not family oriented, and I have no other family to rely on to help me.

I do have a lot of friends who would emotionally support me!

The financial vulnerability of being a SAHHP is the 2nd biggest slap in the face since the A. H could never pay me what I am worth, and all I had hoped for was fidelity and loyalty. Maybe he has gotten the a** out of his system. I can only hope.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Destiny7777
New Member
Member # 36468
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, November 15th (Friday)

so happy to have found this thread. 10 years SAHM of 2 special needs children. No will ever made by H/WS. and scared of our future


me (BS)
him (WS)
D-Day was the 28th day of the 3rd month of the 9th year of our marriage

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2012
Sproket
Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Hmm what abort S.A.H.D.?



ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
Shattered-Heart
Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, November 29th (Friday)

I belong here, too, sadly. Not a lot of time to write yet but lurking and hugs and Happy Thanksgiving to all!


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 179 | Registered: May 2011
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, November 29th (Friday)

Hmm what abort S.A.H.D.?


SAHD's are much admired and most welcome here.

Welcome to the new parents. This a unique and particularly difficult position to be in. Thank goodness we have each other.

I promise to be better about checking this thread. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving with your kiddos!


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
brokensoul75
New Member
Member # 41473
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I am also a SAH homeschooling parent. My kids have always been hs'd, my oldest is 14.

I do feel very trapped. I am also disabled and so for me to even leave the house I need to rely on others right now.

I am 4-months post-D-Day and am now starting to feel more anger at the situation, along with the lost feelings. What a mess.

I've been dealing with depression and agoraphobia and I know the kids have suffered from my lack of energy and desire to do things. I feel horrible about this. And instead of support, my H goes and takes a day off work to fuck around with his supervisor. A day when I was home caring for OUR kids.

We are in MC and I am in IC. He feels he doesn't need IC and acts like things are "fine". I just want to scream sometimes, but I also don't want to rock the boat either. I am trapped.


Me BS-38
Him WH-37
Married 15 yrs, together 20
3 children, 14, 12, 9

OW- his supervisor
She's married with a young child
A- Jul. 2013
D-Day: Aug. 4, 2013

Trying for R...


Posts: 25 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: New England
BeautifulEmpty
Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, December 13th (Friday)

Brokensoul75 You sound like me. I'm a SAHM who's homeschooling and disabled too. I've been such a wreck that I feel almost like I've wasted the last two years of my daughter's life. I know it's not true. She makes an excellent unschooler and for that, I'm grateful even if I crave more structured learning. It's not about me and she's handled herself well.
The part that is about me or at least , about the demise of me has been awful. I have twice made it clear that I will leave regardless of the fact that I really can't and certainly not easily and I've walked out twice but I'm lucky to have family to go to.
Aside from temporarily living with mom and dad as well as my oldest daughter and her fiancé, I'd be trapped.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, December 13th (Friday)

My kids are getting older, 13 & 11. I thought by now it would be so easy to go back to work. H right now (it will change back to all shifts eventually) leaves for work around 5am. I won't leave my kids home by themselves to get ready to school. First kids gets home (is she doesn't have practice) at 3, second at 4. I really don't want them coming home by themselves either. Let alone all the running I do back and forth to practices. I have parents but they all work fulltime still.

I do not have a degree. I worked retail (jewelry store) and as a bank teller from 18yrs old till I had my first child at 26. Then I babysat kids in my own home for nearly 12 years. That just recently came to an end. My last "extra" child went to school and H didn't want me finding anymore kids to watch. When he is nightshift he finds it too hard to sleep during the day when my extra kids were here.

I know there are TONS of 2 income families. I just really do not understand how it would work for us yet. I would have to find a job with hours that are only from 9am-2pm in order to keep up with the kids. I really don't see that happening.

I have talked about this with my working MOM friends and they all tell me you find a way to make it all work.

Feeling in overload lately.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3276 | Registered: Apr 2009
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, December 16th (Monday)

I'm a SAHHM also. Fortunately my girls are ok staying home alone since they are 14 & 16 at the moment. I'm also partially disabled, but not officially. I am a NYS Licensed Massage Therapist, tough to do massage if stsnding for an hour puts you in bed writhing in pain for a day. I am making plans tostart up my massage business anyway....


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, December 27th (Friday)

I usually post on my rare ventures here in the divorce forum, however, as a stay at home mom, I felt this topic may just be best suited here.

I found out about the affair in April. I'm now 39, have 2 year old twins, and have been a stay at home mom since their birth.

Once the affair was caught and I went on the job hunt, I thought surely I'd not have TOO terrible a time getting hired. Yeah. Nice optimism, eh?

Didn't happen. I'm a high school graduate who had started my studies well into my thirties after many years waiting tables and bartending, before my first job in admin in 2000. Needless to say, I started at the absolute bottom of admin, but by the time I met my STBXH in 2003 I had a low paying but very positive job, which also was about to advance me and had agreed to pay college tuition right when we were getting married and I had to quit to follow him to his military duty station.
In hindsight, that was pretty much the beginning of the end of my career. Through nearly a decade together, I was able to find some other admin work, start college, then it was time for IVF as I was about to pass the threshold of who they would perform it for. I quit school, was a SAHM, and when the girls had just turned one the affair started, then there I was, applying for work for 8 months this year with NOTHING to show for it.

Guess what. As a fluke I thought, what the hell? I'll call some former classmates who were also non-traditional and get their take. EVERYONE agreed: go back to school. But how? My ex's income would rule me out of $$. I have two kids requiring daycare as my twins are 2. No one will hire me because I have neither a degree nor work history as of late.

Called FAFSA today. Here you go, you possible future students:

My last return was married filing joint, me a stay at home mom.

Doesn't matter. For the purpose of FAFSA, I file "Did not complete return"

(Granted, I am separated and in transition, but this may apply to you, so take note).

My ex and I agreed to each claim one of the twins. They are domiciled with me (Ms. Unemployed).

For FAFSA, I claim 3 in household and 2 exemptions. I then take this information to the university to apply for aid.

I asked, "Is this lying, since we filed jointly and he makes $$?"

Technically, no. I was a SAHM, we were separated at least 6 months during the previous year, and I had no income. The kids were domiciled with me.

So, if you are on the fence about returning to school, or starting school for the first time EVER:

I'm 39. I have two years to go. I started school in my thirties to begin with. YOU CAN DO THIS. I certainly didn't think I would even make it this far into finding a route to move forward, as I've been separated since April with NOTHING happening, and with no career or direction, I can't express the depression and heartbreak it has caused.

I say all this to inform you that even if you think it is absolutely impossible after an extended period of time to move forward, you just never know what might pop up via the voice in the back of your mind saying, "look here."

You know what is best for you. But what if you, like me, have nothing that anyone wants to hire you for that works within your family frame, but know that SOMETHING must happen to move forward?

I'm as intimidated as hell about starting school again, but let me tell you, a month ago, this wasn't even an option for me, because I thought it was impossible. I contacted a myriad of friends and family, started doing some homework and paperwork, explained my odd circumstances, and when I say the universe has conspired to help, well, that may sound corny, but I swear to you it did.

Please, if you are thinking there are no options for you, even if school isn't your answer, look look look for the answer that suits you. Pursue all avenues, even when it looks hopeless. I cannot tell you the difference this opportunity is making in my healing and recovery.

I wish all of you the best, Stay at Home Moms and Stay at Home Dads.

We have the toughest jobs, and I wouldn't trade a second with these kids for all the karma bus action ever. :-)


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, December 30th (Monday)

I took a little baby step today in the right direction. I contacted our community college for an apt to speak to someone about their "workforce" classs. Programs designed to get you ready for the workforce. There are 3 that interest me. I guess I could be going to school as early as this summer.

First step, CHECK!!!


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3276 | Registered: Apr 2009
sparkle76
Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, January 6th (Monday)

Hard to believe I haven't posted in this thread yet. My story might be a bit long, please bear with.

I am also on the "Double Betrayal" and "OC" threads....to sum it up, the A happened with someone I considered one of my closest friends, and she got pregnant and had a son by my husband.

I became a SAHM around the summer of 2001~ I was pregnant with our third daughter and had been working at a daycare at the time. Come to find out that OW and H talked and got together a few times while I was gone at work...including her showing up and messing around with him in our home.

H and I went on to have 3 more children, each of whom has been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. So on top of trying to keep up with everything else, I deal with their struggles and often have to go to meetings at their schools and such. Sometimes it has been to the point where I get called at least 5 times a week and have to pick them up from school more than 3 times a month. I've considered homeschool, but if I did that I don't know how I would manage a job on top of it all.

Once all of the kids were in school, I was able to find temporary work in the fall of 2012, a 2 week job. We had a major setback this past year however when OW decided that she wanted more child support than my H was paying her. The support office imputed an income to me based on 40 hours per week! This spun my head for a few reasons~ they are not even holding her to 40 hours per week, since she claims that she is legally only allowed to work up to 35 hours in the state she moved to (it is still considered FT hours however). Even if I did start working again, I did not plan on working full-time.

So now I am hesitant to go back to work, because I do NOT want to be working to give more money to her than she already gets (long story). One of my main reasons for wanting my own job is so that I can do more for myself and our kids...that wouldn't happen if she gets added support because of me having a job. So frustrating!

I've dealt with direct criticism from both her and her 2nd (p)XH for not regularly having my own job, which really set me off...even this past year she has made comments to my H about how I could be working. It just burns me up how after our whole history, she gets off trying to tell me what I *should* be doing. She had no regard for my feelings and has no business judging me for my choices and how I have lived my life, yet she does anyway.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
Quakingaspen
Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Yup, I'm a SAHM myself, and have been roughly for the last 16 years. I have worked at volunteering and also part-time as a substitute teacher. I definitely think that my own lack of prospects kept me with my WH way longer than I should have been.

We've moved so much in the last 16 years that I hate to think how confused and discombobulated the kids would be without me around for them as consistently as I have been, and I will never regret any time spent with them!

Thankfully, I also got my degrees over the last few years, and feel like if I am ever settled in a place, I could set myself and the kids up okay! Unfortunately, the last DDay came right after our last move (way to time it for optimal guilt factor), and the kids and I will be moving again this summer, which makes the job hunt way more complicated. I am really excited though because since we're moving to get away from WH, I will be able to stabilize us for a while. Here's to getting to establish a life! I might actually have time to find a hairdresser I like!

All optimism aside though, I am still struggling a lot with depression that this is NOT how I envisioned doing this, and a lot of resentment that while his life will change very little, mine has been completely blown apart.


"You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. Don't come back for me. Who do you think you are?"

WS (him)-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many to count. LAST time: 16 October 2013.
Separating on the road to brighter things.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Sorry, edited because not directly related to infidelity. Will be more careful.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 2:57 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3761 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Sunset22
New Member
Member # 42025
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Joining this club. I'm a sahm with 2 children, 9 and 1 yr old. I never finished college because I got married. I regret it now. I feel so lost in life. I feel like my husband did this because he knows I can't leave him. He even admitted "you need me, you can't make me go". :( I want to show him I can survive on my own, with or without him.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Welcome, parents! I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position, but there is hope. Whether Reconciliation is desired or even an option, or if you wish you could break free from your situation... you can get there.

The big idea that always gave me hope is "small steps." Little, bitty ducks that you line up whenever you have the energy. We balance a ton and sacrifice so much, but there are resources out there to help us if we know where to look.

Just want to give everyone a big hug today.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14524 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

I didn't see any posts similar to my situation but haven't read the whole thread either. My soon to be ex-husband was a stay at home dad. He would work intermittently but something would always happen to end the job. I have a good job and can support us. He had an affair. During the affair he accused me constantly of having one. Blamed me for the affair saying I was just a paycheck and a meal ticket. Which is funny because in order to have his affair I had to have been taking care of kids. So I have left him. And he says high and dry.

I struggle with thinking that I must have just been awful for him to abuse me and cheat on me knowing that he had nowhere to go once I'd had enough. Or maybe he thought I would never do it. Or he is just more broken then I ever knew.


Me BS 32
STBXH 34
3 kids
Divorcing, though he isn't on board.
DDay July 13'

Posts: 241 | Registered: Aug 2013
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 7:57 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

Chippednotbroken,

This thread is for SAH parents only. Please repost your concerns in the General forum. I'm sure you will find the support that you need there.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 110