User Topic: Trying to look like her?
Member # 30415
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, August 26th (Sunday)

It has been a year and a half since D-day. I am doing fairly well for the most part. FWH has been very helpful. He knows that it will never go away but he really doesn't want to think about it.

Many days are good but some are bad. I still have bad dreams all the time and wake up upset. I never had these before.

One thing he really liked about the OW was that she had long hair. I have been growing mine out. Today I asked him if he liked that my hair was getting longer and he said that he thought it was getting stringy and that I should get it cut about an inch. As you can imagine, I got very upset. My hair does not look stringy and I went right on FB and looked at her photo. She does have long hair but IT looks stringy! Anyway, he knew I was very upset and tried to talk to me. He tried to tell me that he loved me for me and that I shouldn't try and look like her.

I told him that this whole thing has made me feel terrible about myself and his response was that he wished I would quit dwelling on it.

Does anyone else have this problem? For the most part he has been great. But as time goes on, he expects it to go away. It has faded a lot but it is not gone and still hurts very much.

At this point, he can't help me any more. How can I help myself? Advice?

D-Day: 12/12/10
BS - 55, female
WS - 57, male
Married 15 years, together 18

"Forgive: sounds good. Forget: I don't think I could. They say, 'Time heals everything' but I'm still waiting."

Posts: 178 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, August 26th (Sunday)

I totally get how you are feeling. I really fixated for a while on what it was about her that he liked. Nails, hair, waxing, body, clothes, etc. but finally I just realized that it wasn't doing me any good.

The only thing it did was drive me crazy. You are better than any OW could ever hope to be. YOU have morals. I know it is easier to say this than to accept it, so my heart goes out to you. But in reality, you could become the spitting image of her and it isn't going to change how he feels about you or her one way or the other. I am sure it was not about you lacking long hair.

Hugs to you!

In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 451 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
Member # 35599
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, August 26th (Sunday)

The woman H had an A with wa very intellegent and, well, i'm not. He said they had a lot to talk about. She reads a lot too. I hate reading but I got a book to read by Stephen Hawking. I then realized that i'm not gonna change who I am for him to want to be with me. That was before I said I wanted a divorce and he begged me to not do that. Said he doesn't care about books or philosophy( things they talked about), he just wanted me and wants me to be muself. Don't change who you are.

Two kids(4 and 5 months

Posts: 225 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, August 26th (Sunday)

One thing he really liked about the OW was that she had long hair. I have been growing mine out

Oh no, don't go there. You can never compete with the OW so don't try.

You need to be true to yourself. If you want longer hair because you believe you look better with it or if you honestly want a change then grow your hair but do not do it to "look l like her"

I understand that your self esteem takes a hit as a result of an A but you must know that you are a far better person than the OW. You have the strength of character that the OW does not have.

his response was that he wished I would quit dwelling on it.

No, I never had this problem. My WH never, ever, ever, ever let those words roll out of him mouth (maybe he thought it, I don;t know, but he NEVER verbalized it). My WH knows for sure that I would never have accepted that statement...ever.

Your WH needs to exercise extreme patience throughout the entire process.

Why do you feel he can no longer help you? Communication is key, let him know exactly how you feel and what you expect of him.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Nov 2011
Escape artist
Member # 34804
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 26th (Sunday)

Sofia 58 I understand you thought process and why you got very upset.
My fWS MOW1 & 2 were very corporate. Tight skirts, suits, slick hair etc etc, really looked the part. He did admit to me that he was attracted to the way they looked. I asked him if he complimented them on their appearance, he admitted he did....a lot via phone, texts, emails and of person.

So I decided to try to spruce myself up when I was meeting him in the city for a night out after work. I shopped for heels, got a fitted skirt, wore a nice shirt that showed get the picture....Not trashy, just well dressed and appearing confident. Very different fom my usual garb-jeans with a nice shirt, as I am not confident and don't like drawing attention to myself, so this was a hard thing for me to do, I was really putting myself out there to see if he would appreciate that I was trying. I had listened and I was trying!!!!

I got many glances from other men on the train on the way in and
I was not comfortable with at all.

Yep you guessed it....met fWS and he glanced at me, said nothing and we just began walking up the street!!! I was so shattered....
When we finally got to where we were going and sat down, I asked him did he notice. He said he did.
Why then didn't you comment, you know how uncomfortable I must be. He said he didn't know what to say so he said nothing.
Did he like it??? Still don't know... My guess is they like those things on others because they are characteristics of others, not of us. He liked that style of dressing because it s very different to me.
The long hair probably drew your spouses attention because it was different to you.
I believe that if they are going to cheat again, and we dress just right, or we have hair the right length, they will choose their affair partners for another reason....
Sorry Hun but I think they just wanted "different" to us, so no matter how much we try to change ourselves, it will not stop them from looking elsewhere if that is what they are going to do.....
We have to try to be ok with ourselves....if you want long hair for you, go for it!!!
You need to try to begin to do things for yourself, as I am now doing, not for their approval...
((((((Hugs to you ))))))

[This message edited by Escape artist at 9:35 PM, August 26th (Sunday)]

I gave you enough rope to hang yourself.
Me BS 48
Him WS 54
False DDay 06/02/12
3 simultaneous EA's
Multiple DDays thru till 16th April 2012
Disclosed PA 16th April 2012
Reality- alot sicker than I realized .......

Posts: 202 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, August 26th (Sunday)

I think a lot of us have done the makeover thing. For a bit it bothered me that she worked out. I am active, busy, but don't do the gym thing. Now I focus on my best look for me. I feel better if I take care of my health, skin, hair. Ask a good stylist to get the best cut for your hair texture, face shape etc. Forget about her and do what feels good for you. Your hubby could be a little more sensitive, but maybe he's not the best person to ask right now. My FWH doesn't have a clue sometimes about hair or fashion. He too can put his foot in his mouth. I haven't asked FWH what he liked about MOW's looks. I asked in general what was so great and he said she had fun with her kids and didn't yell. Ouch. He admitted later she would have shown her best side, as did he. There's a lot SHE never knew about him. Try to remember they were having a fantasy. No bad hair days, fartin, or nose picking aloud.

Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 30415
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 26th (Sunday)

Thanks for the responses. We have been out and the first thing I did when I got home was to check SI for advice and friendship! I wouldn't wish this on anyone else, but it helps to know that I am not alone and crazy!

D-Day: 12/12/10
BS - 55, female
WS - 57, male
Married 15 years, together 18

"Forgive: sounds good. Forget: I don't think I could. They say, 'Time heals everything' but I'm still waiting."

Posts: 178 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 35276
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, August 27th (Monday)

i've been blonde for 10 yrs, before that a dark dishwater blonde with strawberry highlights. ***** has long blonde hair. I have long blonde hair. I have cut it just about 2 inches below my shoulder instead of to the bottom of my bra strap.

I should just dye it black and get it cut to my ears...he loves long blonde hair. gag.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:40 AM, August 27th (Monday)]

Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 753 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, August 27th (Monday)

OW and I are polar opposites in looks and personality and I would not want to look like her even if I was paid a $ million. I am more than happy with the way I look (hot and spicy ) and the thing that I do have an issue with I am changing (losing weight for health reasons). I am a dress and skirt wearer and she is a pants wearer...also explains why WH suddenly wanted me to wear pants more often...don't like pants as I find them uncomfortable.

ETA: She has big breasts and I have ones that are in proportion to my body and WH has a fetish for big ones...but I still will not change mine

[This message edited by TheTooGoodWife at 2:41 AM, August 27th (Monday)]

M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, August 27th (Monday)

When I first asked my WH what his OW looked like he said, "A bit like you only slimmer".

I said "well she hasn't had 3 of your 4 children, has she."

Further down the lines he's told me he didn't like her dyed hair, saggy chest, bad skin, so many things, yet I still think about the fact that she was "fit and her body was great".

My advice to you - don't torture yourself. If you want to make changes for you, do so but please don't try and be like the OW.

He's not with the OW, he's with you so why would he want to be reminded of her all the time?

D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, August 27th (Monday)

Me trying to look like her???? HELL no!!!! not in a million years. She is ugly and I mean ugly.

Soon after dday I asked H what he saw in her because she was just the opposite of what he liked. I told him that she had short hair and he loves long hair, that he hated people who talk softly and she sure does talk this way. I told him that he hated helpless people and ones who played the victim and she sure does both best than anyone else I have known. Of course he did not answer.

You know what my H saw in her??? her BS compliments. She complimented the pants off of him and he fell for it. He even admitted it.

The funny thing is that now she has long hair, and I have mine shoulder length. I even told H that I do not think that the bimbo letting her hair grow long is a coincidence. I told him that at some point he mush have told her that he likes long hair and that she would look good with long hair and she aims to please. I told him that I find it a bit odd that after all these years that we have known her, she never had long hair and now all of a sudden after she and H got a bit more serious, all of a sudden the hair is getting longer by the day.
He said that maybe at some point he said something to her. ( subtle admission on his part)To this I responded that it was not " maybe I said something to her" it was " I most definitely said something to her"

Funny how they give subtle admissions, right? Otherwise he would and should have denied that he ever told her anything...

To sum it up:
Do not try to compete with her. What he saw in her was most likely what my H did in his bimbo. They pay attention to them, flatter them, they make them feel important, and the idiot husbands of ours fall for it. Be yourself honey. That is your best revenge. Like another poster said: do not change who you are. He knew who you were when he married you. He loved that at some point. Stay the same, be yourself.

And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 874 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, August 27th (Monday)

Don't look at her...stay away from her FB me, it is not good for you!

Change you look if you like, work-out, get new hair,new make-up, different style of clothes...whatever ...but, do it to make you feel better...heck, do it to get compliments from others, but don't do it to look like her for him!

I am your age and my looks are important to me now, but my fWH never complimented me ...ever...and after the A when I lost tons of weight (initially from the stress, then from working out) and made some other changes, I was getting compliments from everyone, but him...maybe your H is like that...something just holds him back. I lost 50+ pounds and worked out and he told me I looked "drawn." He made comments on my dark circles under my eyes, my "dry" hair,...etc...but never anything positive. The OW was 4 years older than me best as I can tell on FB, but in one of his emails to her that I found, he told her she was the most beautiful woman on the planet...that stung and still does. So take pride in yourself in many ways, be the best you can for YOU. The fact that told you he loved you for you is you love "you for you."

Posts: 600 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, August 27th (Monday)

I am going to put a bit of a different spin on my experience, OW tried to look like me. And I personally believe that many OW wonder what it was about the wife that made WH dump start thinking about this situation in reverse.

I think it is only natural for a betrayed spouse to wonder what it was that attracted the WS to the other person.....and after being 7 years out and reading a great deal about infidelity, I would venture to say that in most cases it had nothing to do with the OP looks, personality, knowledge, etc, but more to do with the WS need for validation or getting sucked in some fantasyland.

Keep in mind an A is a fantasy where there are no responsibilities, never having to make serious life decisions, not dealing with the day-to-day monotony of life. It's all wine and roses.

Just be you, you are the person he married.

Posts: 7591 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 34740
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, August 27th (Monday)

I never knew she existed until DDay but she knew about me and used to haunt what she could of my facebook page. It was very private but she could see the basics. She would mnyion it to WH if I put a pic of the kids on there. Shortly after I cut all my hair off she did the same. WH said he never noticed but when I found out about her and checked her H facebook I saw he posted a pic of his beautiful wife and her new haircut.

Shortly after I talked to her H he said he wondered why she had cut her hair off because she had been growing it long for a while. He asked if WH liked short hair and I said no I had just cut mine. He said that explained a lot. It was all she knee about me from facebook. WH says she often asked for info but he wouldn't tell her very much.

D-Day#1 - Dec. 8, 2011 - found the receipt
D-Day#2 - Dec. 28, 2011 - found the phone logs
D-Day#3 - Jan. 6, 2012 - admitted to PA
3 amazing sons - 13DS, 13SS, 11SS
in R

Posts: 762 | Registered: Feb 2012
Deeply Scared
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 6:40 AM, August 27th (Monday)


Please do not use derogatory names in the forum.

Everyone else...this is not an OW vent thread, please stay on topic or we will be forced to move this to General.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 198274 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, August 27th (Monday)

yes, been there :) Before I knew about the affair, WH was angry a lot and said that I needed to start trying harder, to wear perfume, etc. (I am a SAHM and had a newborn!)

After I found out about the A and knew what she looked like, I actually went the other way. We both had the same hair color, so I dyed mine very dark. And a lot of other things. I did, however, start to exercise and when he (really, when OW) had the kids for the weekend visits, I'd go clothes shopping with my friends.

I did change my look, but to the opposite of her's. My therapist said a lot of ppl either try to look like the OW or look the opposite of the OW.

Posts: 1401 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, August 27th (Monday)

Maybe for about 5 minutes I worried about this- she dresses completely differently than I do. She works in an office, wears her tops entirely too low - too tight skirts and pants and everything about her is fake - nails, brittle bottle blonde hair - tanning so much that she looks orange.

Yet - he found her attractive? During the A I do remember him asking me if I ever thought of going blonde and growing my hair out. I have mid-length, dark brown curly hair. I would look awful as a blonde! And I know for a fact that he wouldn't like me dressing the way she does.

So, I agree on a few points - they wanted something different.

I do remember at one point he kept telling me to get a facebook account (he had one, I didn't) and to post my picture. He kept after me until I finally said NO - I don't want my picture on there. Turns out, SHE wanted to know what I looked like!

No - I have no desire to look like her - I like me.

Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 35145
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 27th (Monday)

I realized the other day that obsessing over an OW builds them up on your WS's eyes, to some degree.

She was a mirage to him. His brain had played her in slow motion with wind in her hair. With photoshop.

Then came the unraveling effect of DDay. I knew about her, confronted her, blew the fantasy out of the water. I believe it took the slow-mo, windbown airbrushing out of his image of her and she kinda just became her uninteresting, mediocre self.

It was an epiphany for me and it allowed me to pretty much let her go.

My healing has begun as I have taken myself back. I've taken myself away from her and given me back to me. She's sad and pathetic and defective, and I forgive her. My anger is 100% toward the person who owed me his loyalty and chose not to give it. It's liberating.

Posts: 333 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 35145
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, August 27th (Monday)

Also, changing your appearance or attractiveness is not necessarily a bad thing.

Become the best version of yourself.


Your version of her.

Long hair can come in many styles and colors. Pick the one that looks most like YOUR style, and ROCK IT.

Posts: 333 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 36512
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, August 27th (Monday)

I can 100% sympathize with this subject. The OW was my complete opposite in every single way. The logical explanations go right out of the window when you're staring at your worst insecurities in 1,000 FB pics.

I pride myself on being very put together and stylish. I'm tall and quite slim. I consider my make-up sophisticated, and my long, red hair is always styled. I've always struggled with self-esteem, but I *thought* my husband found me beautiful, and my girlfriends say I look like a fashion model. It was like a slap in the face when I first saw pics of the OW. The most fitting description is a reject from a test Hustler shoot. She is TINY with bleached blonde hair and large fake breasts. She appears to put her eye make-up on with a Sharpie and wears clothes that I can only describe as "cheap teenager". The real kicker was seeing her weight listed on multiple arrest records-- 108. My WH sure does love them skinny-- but at my height, the only way to rectify that 15lb difference is with an eating disorder. Not a chance-- I love food, and I'm miserable enough!

I can't tell you how many times I wondered if WH would prefer that I bleach my hair of get plastic surgery. I also thought about changing to look every more different, but it's all just superficial. Right now I'm choosing to love me. To make the best "me", like so many others have said. Why be anyone else? I didn't choose this path, and I was happy with my appearance before.

If I'm being totally truthful, it helps immensely to remind myself that I'm successful and intelligent, and she's just... NOT.

Revel in the differences.

[This message edited by MyNewReality at 3:01 PM, August 27th (Monday)]

Me: BS, 33
Him: WS, 36
Married: 10 years
DDay#1: 4-4-12
DDay#2: 8-14-12
R: ?

"Rock bottom can become the solid foundation on which to build your life."

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 27th (Monday)

Please don't try to emulate the OW in any way. YOU are much too good for that.

The affair wasn't about OW's looks, brains or any other attribute. In my case, OW had a face like a raisin (extreme wrinkles), no fashion sense (dressed very frumpy)and a body that was just so-so. I, on the other hand, have been told that I look younger than my age, am in excellent physical condition and love to dress well.

So, take back your self and wear your hair the way that makes YOU happy.

Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 576 | Registered: Jul 2011
New Member
Member # 36621
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 27th (Monday)

OP- New here (5 months post D Day)
And I can totally understand the hurt.

OW was a hairdresser and obssessed about her.
Well after DDAY my spouse talked about hair a few time (more than before)..mine is wavy curly (brown and highlighted carmel) layered and a little past shoulders---he always said he like long hair-- which I straighten on occasion..
OW was bone straight, (dark blonde with lighter blonde highlights) bobbed to above shoulders, so one time he mentioned that there are conditioners you can use to tame the curl/frizz...HMMMM...where did that come from!

Then he asked when my next hair apt was..I said why does my highlights look like they need redone.. He said no- you just look really good when you come back from the salon... and he told me I could get my hair done(no matter the cost) when I needed too....HMMM

I told him I only want to hear from him about my hair if he has a compliment to give me..otherwise I don't want him to say anything at all about my hair. And, if he finds he doesnt like it..I'm sure I can find someone who does..after our divorce because I won't have an affair on you like you did me!!!

I do get mad and portray more self confidence than I have..but I am sure it is true I would find someone out there again :)

I think he got the point!

Dday 4/30/12
NC 5/16/12
R-(Me- trying to get over pain-him trying to avoid communication and sweep under rug)
16 years together!
Me- 42
WH- 42
son- 12
At the bottom of list:OW-44 fake boob "Florida Whore" as on family guy!

Posts: 23 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Indiana
Member # 30415
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 27th (Monday)

You all won't believe what happened today! But first, thank you all for your responsed and thoughts. You have given me a lot to ponder.)

(I have never me the OW but I know (obviously) what she looks like. So many times I thought about something I wanted to say to her but I never sought her out.

Today I was walking in a store and saw a woman with long brown hair. I did a double take, as I always do now, to see if it was her. And, IT WAS!!! I checked her out briefly,then decided I was going to take this chance and confront her. I walked over to her and if she was (name) and she smiled really big and said "yes". I asked if she knew who I was and she did not. So I told her my name and she still looked blank. I then said, "You were sleeping with my husband a year ago". I don't recall exactly what her reaction was at that point, but I told her what I have wanted to tell her. I said "I assume you are a nice person and I want you to know that what you did really hurt me and affected my life. I want you to have a face with what you did... a real person because what you did was really wrong. i know my husband probably told you he was married but didn't love his wife anymore and was going to leave me whether or not he was with you. But even so, you tell a married man to deal with his own life first and if he really gest divorced, then you can get together." She was not mean or rude, but not really nice either. She wanted to make a point to tell me that she wasn't the one who chased my husband around the gym. I said that I didn't care and that she should have given him her phone number and that she was just a big a part of it. I told her that she came into my life and along with my jusband hurt me tremendously and that it was like being raped by a stanger, not knowing who this person was that had affected me so. And now I have seen her and talked to her. She told me a time or two that this wasn't the venue for this conversation. I asked where that would be... her home? Her work? Anyway, I asked her if she still worked in this building that my husband sometimes works in, she refused to answer which I thought was jerky. Anyway, she had big fake boobs and more wrinkles than I thought. And guess what... her hair is really sringy! I took a photo of her from behind before I talked to her! She is attractive but not as perfect as I thought, I didn't think she was very nice and mostly I just think she is a self centered person who liked getting admiration from men. I told her to have a nice life and walked away.

The husband is very uncomfortable that this happened. He wants to leave her in the past. He doesn't understand that she is with me every day and he put her there. Perhaps this will help me heal in the long run. What do you think? Should I have stayed away and just observed her>

D-Day: 12/12/10
BS - 55, female
WS - 57, male
Married 15 years, together 18

"Forgive: sounds good. Forget: I don't think I could. They say, 'Time heals everything' but I'm still waiting."

Posts: 178 | Registered: Dec 2010
New Member
Member # 36621
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 22nd (Saturday)

The husband is very uncomfortable that this happened. He wants to leave her in the past. He doesn't understand that she is with me every day and he put her there. Perhaps this will help me heal in the long run. What do you think? Should I have stayed away and just observed her>

Why do they think we ca sweep it all under a rug....I think you did great...let her know there was a time in her life she stole from someone and was a very "ugly" person!

Dday 4/30/12
NC 5/16/12
R-(Me- trying to get over pain-him trying to avoid communication and sweep under rug)
16 years together!
Me- 42
WH- 42
son- 12
At the bottom of list:OW-44 fake boob "Florida Whore" as on family guy!

Posts: 23 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Indiana
Member # 34118
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)

I'm not going to describe the OW. She could be "People's Most Beautiful" or make you stare at anything not to look her in the face. It doesn't matter.

What matters is I was safe, loved and growing older with my form of grace and beauty when I discovered the affair. Wrinkles were character lines and, signs of smiling too much. I would laugh and do a "Before/After for my WH by making my belly slim then not. I didn't mind aging because to WH (In my mind) I would always be beautiful.

In the past 11 months, since my discovery of the A and subsequent R, WH stole my belief of ageless beauty. It infuriates me.

I will never resort to surgical procedures for age reversal or enhancements. I like my 34B's even if they appear to be playing dowsing rods when I remove my bra.

I hope someday he can touch a wrinkle and see beauty. That he can laugh as I squint at fine print and look for my reading glasses. To lovingly offer support when my body becomes fragile. That he can see beauty in growing old together.

Me, BS
Hubby, WS
DDay Fall 2011

Posts: 94 | Registered: Dec 2011
New Member
Member # 36897
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)

He doesn't understand that she is with me every day and he put her there.

exactly what goes on ...

My OW is 13 years younger than me, I asked my husband what she had so interesting... he said: she had my style, my type: make up, hair up, short shorts, tiny tops... heels... I said, ok I will dress up like this so I can get the same atention. he: NO!!Why you want to dress up like a whore? me: So now what? She is a whore? You said she was yout type! |Being dressed up like a slut is your type? So I never ever was your type!!!Why did you waste my time???

I know there is nothing to do but... she is only 23 but drinking and partying hard made her look older, and she is never without make up... my WS never saw her without. And... she has no boobs, no ass,her belly is worse than mine... and I had 2 kids... and she doesn't know how to use her hands, mouth, body in bed. she was just there, like a doll. And so drunk most of the times my WS didn't know if she was still awake or not. He never let her touvh him because she didn't know what and how to do... and even though, he liked and she found him amazing!!!!
Do I want to be this kind of woman? hell no!!!!!

WSH: 34
OW: 23
married for 2 1/2 yrs
together for 4 yrs
children : 2
DD 27/7/2012
Status: He wants R, I want S/D.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: deeplyblue
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)

Hi Sofia

A few weeks after dday I finally found pics of OW3. Shortly after, I saw OW1 and OW2 IRL.

OW2 is about 5'2" and has very dark hair down to her waist.

OW1 and OW3 are both about the same height - close to 5'. OW1 has short blond hair. OW3 had medium length blonde hair.

OW3 changed her hair style and colour when she started with FWH - to the same as mine! We live in a small town and I later found out she told my hairdresser she knew me(she didn't - well actually I didn't know her), really liked my cut and colour and wanted the same!!! So sick. Scary thing she must have asked FWH who did my hair to do this!

So. Since dday I have changed my cut and colour. If she wants to look like me she can try. But that will be difficult as I am 5'11" and now wear my hair quite differently.

Please don't change yourself to be like her. I had to change my hair cut and colour because it sickened me to think her hair was like mine. Fortunately I really like my new look.

Don't ever think you need to look like OW.

In your shoes I would make sure I was quite the opposite.



Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Member # 34023
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)

I think you were incredibly brave in the way you confronted her. You really deserved to have your say! And I'm so pleased that it made her very uncomfortable.

As far as looking like OW - you couldn't pay me enough to change one thing about myself to be like her. I have gone a bit too far out of my way to do exactly the opposite.

BS - Me, 34
WS - Husband, 41
Married 5 years, together an eternity.
DDay - 9/13/11

"Well I've been had, yeah I guess that's how it looks. And it's not funny like on TV, and it's not smart like it is in books."

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Ohio
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)

As this thread seems to have been picked up again, I think itís worthy of reply to anyone who thinks the OW has something special, or that she has been chosen because she is similar or opposite or that YOU as the BS is somehow lacking in some mention that the OW had. Like long hair.

In my case, MOW and I are similar. Sheís a year older. Same background and social class. Her dad was an accountant, so was mine. Same start in careers. Sheís slightly shorter and slightly plumper, but we have similar figures and skin tone and were probably even more alike when we were younger. We live in the kind of properties each could have chosen, I would find her house quite comfortable and she would feel at home here in my house (not that sheís been inside, thank goodness) When I met her, even our hairstyles were the same. We have similar personalities and share the same birthsign. I think she is more attractive, but she thinks fWH sees me as saintly, an angel

I have always had enormous lack of confidence in my looks and figure. I think people have complimented me because they want to say something nice but donít mean it or are just being sarcastic, so the affair shattered what little self esteem I had. I have had a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that it was nothing to do with me or anything about me.

During the affair, MOW tried to take bits of me and stick them on herself to show WH that she could take my place. She wanted to be me. After d-day, I wished I was more like her. I wished I WAS her.

But - Itís not about looks. Or long/short/blonde/black/straight/wavy hair. Or job. Or personality. Or any of that. Itís about filling the void inside the WS. If it hadnít been that particular OW/MOW, it would have been another. Or alcohol. Or drugs. Or gambling. Or work. Or obsessive competitive sport. It would have been SOMETHING and it would have still been nothing to do with you or how you look or what you are or how many kids you have or donít have or what your mother is like or what size shoe you take. We examine and pick ourselves to pieces over some imagined flaw or inadequacy. It isnít your flaw or inadequacy, those are the faults in your WS.

So look at yourself in the mirror and know you are just fine as you are.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 9:49 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)]

D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3470 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Member # 34922
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)

Don't bother. He wasn't attracted to OW because of her hair or anything was how he convinced himself she made him feel. It's all him.

My XW had long hair when we started. A few months in she cut it to chin length of or and has kept it that way for 10 years. I like long hair. But she was beautiful either way, and it was her hair. She was beautiful when we shaved our heads to raise $ for childhood cancer research. I, for some reason, prefer unpainted nails on a woman. Didn't matter if she painted hers or not. There are lots of people I had more intellectual discussions with, didn't matter. I loved her for who she was, not how she made me feel.

So just do what you want. And remember, H was living in la-la land during A. Of course her hair didn't seem stringy to him. He was projecting what he needed on to her. Do what you want to do, it's your hair, but don't do it because that's his type or that's what OW had.

Me: BH 40, Her: WW 30, 8 year old son
DDay #1: 2/10/05
DDay #2: 9/15/11

"You could stand me up at the gates of Hell but I won't back down"

Posts: 367 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Chicago
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

i know this is a pretty old post, but i came across it and wanted to respond. i hope you are feeling better about who you are as a woman. you are the gem, not the ow. i too had issues with my appearance and self esteem after dday. the ow was a yoga instructor...that is where they the gym. i actually joined a yoga class at the same gym...thinking that i needed to to yoga and "be fit like her." well, after a lot of ic, i came to my senses and realized that i am not going to do yoga or go to that gym to be like her. that was some BS. and he was a jerk for still going to that gym, and even thinking that i would do yoga like "they did." she has been a yoga instructor for years...and to think i needed to compete was ridiculous. we are now members of a new gym, and i work out and do what i want. i am not going to compare myself to her at all.

oh, and by the way...she used to be a stripper at 2 of the local strip clubs in town. so, nah...i dont want to be anything like her.

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 979 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Unless I could change from my pasty white freckled red headed German self to Hispanic, I could never look like his AP's nor would I want to.

I am uniquely me!

You know why he chose his AP's? Because they were available and they blew rainbow colored farts his way. That's it.

It isn't about us.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 4th (Thursday)

Oh, hair. My FWH always claimed that he loved long hair. I had hair down to the middle of my back when the A began (it's now shoulder length). OW has short helmet-like hair. It wouldn't move if a tornado blew through. Mine flies all over the place in the wind.

He claimed that he loved my silver hair, and in fact always admires women he sees with long silvery hair. OW is a bottle blond.

OW actually grew her hair out at one point (trying to look like me?). She hated it, though, and had her hair cut ultra-short. FWH raved about the look in his e-mails.

Yet, if I have my hair cut above shoulder length, he complains that it is too short.

Go figure.

It just doesn't matter. An available and needy broken woman, regardless of the hair or body type, is the only requirement, apparently.

To echo SamanthaBaker: It isn't about us.

Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Topic Posts: 33