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User Topic: Support for BS in Limbo
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Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, July 6th (Wednesday)

A topic for BS only that are still undecided on what path they will take.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, July 6th (Wednesday)

I'm hoping this will be a good place to share. Sometimes I hold back from posting because I don't want someone newer to loose hope when they see how far along I am and how I'm stuck.

I think talking to others in the same boat might help us recognize where we're stuck and possibly how to make a choice one way or the other.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11280 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Crazy Daze
Member
Member # 31843
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, July 7th (Thursday)

Limbo sucks. I was blindsided,rejected,betrayed,lied to and now am stuck in limbo.

While WS sits on the fence, I fence with the truth and wonder if I should pull up the stakes and cut loose.

WS decided he was unhappy but neglected to let me know so we could work on our issues. Instead, he brought OW into the picture and now he has way more issues to deal with.

Three's a crowd and I'm tired. I wish he would make up his mind so we all could get on with our lives.

I hesitate to throw in the towel because I really rather R than D, but he can't seem to let her go.

I know actions speak louder than words and his actions tell me our M is doomed.

I try to rationalize that he is having a MLC and that it's all about him and not our M but it's hard to continue to love someone who is so disrespectful as to continue an A while telling MC that he wants to commit to M.

I feel so lost. I have lost all my core values (truth,respect,honesty,family,joy). My family has been torn apart; there is no honesty, truth or respect, and I have no joy.

I gave this man over 30 years of my life and this is what I get - limbo!

So it's one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, praying for a better tomorrow.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2011
jsngold
Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, July 7th (Thursday)

I'm in.

D-day was 1.5 years ago.

She stopped seeing OM. Other than that, no changes. She still refuses MC. I'm still sleeping in the guest room.

We co-parent our kids and have sex once or twice a month. Other than that, we have no relationship. No companionship. No partnership. No emotional intimacy.

I am bitter and lonely.


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, July 7th (Thursday)

Welcome

CD- are you in IC at all? When MrH had his 1A, he claimed I was too controlling, so I was too afraid to ask for NC (not that I knew what that was at the time). Then, when he had the 2A two kids and nearly 8yrs later, I asked for it, but gave it a time limit of three months. He agreed, but of course took the A underground. It wasn't until I got to the point that I'd rather be on my own than live through the misery of sharing my husband that xOW2 got out of the picture. What I learned from that is that there's no M when there's three people in it.

Though there is a site that advocates letting your WS stay in the A until they're sick of it (something like that anyhow), I felt it destroyed too much of me to wait. I felt like I paid in bits of my soul and heart. I'm reclaiming my soul, my heart still isn't fully alive.

JSN- that's the kind of limbo I was in after the 1A. It lead to the 2A because there was no healing, only rug sweeping. This time around he's been open and transparent, even done some work, but hasn't followed through and truly worked on his issues. That's part of why I'm in limbo. I'm afraid that if he doesn't take the time to work on himself, we'll go through this again.

That will be the last time. Kids or no kids, falling at my feet remorse or not, I won't live through this again. So until I've seen some insight in him, I keep what's left of my heart locked away.

That's why I call him MrH instead of fWH. Every time I was ready to add the F, I got trickle truth or a bent boundary. He hasn't really worked on himself. Heck, he registered here and never posted. He got mad when a mod asked me if it was ok for him to have an account and I said yes, it's not like he'll use it. And he didn't, as predicted. Apparently he has nothing to learn from the FWSs here.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11280 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
icbtih8
Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 7th (Thursday)

((((Everyone))))

I'm for the most part out of limbo. Just bidding my time until it's time to D.

Being in limbo is stressful and time-consuming. I was in it so long, I felt very immobil. I'm hoping I can help someone shed some light towards a direction.


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
SabinatheOwl
Member
Member # 30023
DOH!  Posted: 9:09 AM, July 7th (Thursday)

I guess I belong here too. Or maybe I'm more like icbtih8- simply waiting until my ducks are in a row. Mostly I'm leaning towards D. Almost 4 weeks ago I found out SAWH has broken NC with his EAOP (who lives several states away) and he is lying about it. I didn't directly confront him about it, but I did ask if he'd maintained NC with her & he said yes & then attacked me about not being trusting. As if I have reason to trust him. The unhealthy, co-dependent side of me still tries to cling to every teeny tiny crumb of positivity that he drops my way, still hopes the tiger will change his stripes, still tries to convince the healthier side of me that "I should just settle", that I'll struggle too hard alone.

The healthier side is winning, although I still haven't made any legal moves. I've been collecting documents and searching for a job. I'm still financially dependent on him & I would like the dignity of having a job when I leave. Is that wrong?

Hugs to everyone~


Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 7th (Thursday)

No, it's not wrong. A job is part of my long term plans whether I stay or leave. I've been homeschooling and this year I'm putting the kids in school.

Nearly every day DD asks if she can please homeschool until college. It makes me sad, but I know she'll flourish in school and it will give me the free time I need to take a few classes and become employable beyond the teaching I did pre-kids.

Otherwise, I'm not even at the ducks in a row stage. MrH is kind, loving, open. What he isn't is pro-active or insightful. He hasn't followed through on regular counseling or examined his personal issues. He believes that you just let things go. I can see issues from his past in his behavior, he thinks it's all B.S.

For me, I've finally found a wonderful IC that will help me stay or go. Most importantly, she's helping me care about who I am and build my faith. I'm back on ADs after really bad experiences with them a couple of years ago.

I've got so much to share that I don't feel like putting out in general, but I feel like I'm hogging the group already.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11280 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
SabinatheOwl
Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 7th (Thursday)

Nah, you're not hogging the thread, you're helping give it a strong start! I've followed your story for a while. I remember that you've been working hard on yourself. IMO, we can't make a decision until we've healed enough and are strong enough to make emotionally difficult decisions. At least- that's what I tell myself & my IC says I'm on the right track. So you know, YMMV.

As for me, my typical response has been to run & hide and then stuff all of the feelings deep inside. All of which are unhealthy & cause serious problems in the long run. So, my tasks have been to unlearn codependency & to allow myself to feel and to process my feelings. In the end, I'm gaining strength and clarity and good health. When I leave I'll be much stronger and clearer than if I'd left impulsively 17 months ago.

Re: WHs' working their 'issues'. That has been a huge concern of mine as well. In my sitch (in my profile) my SAWH is in denial of his issues, which renders him incapable of working on ourissues. Because, you know, 'we' don't have issues. "I" (Sabina) have issues that make our M difficult- but *we* don't have issues.

Anyhow- I'll be happy to 'hog the thread' with you! LOL

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
ThePilotsWife86
Member
Member # 31596
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 7th (Thursday)

This is where I'm at...LIMBO...I hate it. When all this came to light I made the choice to stay until Daughter graduated high school. I also read in an email that H sent to one of his OW that he was planning the same thing, stay until she graduated. Oh course he says he just said that to keep her around for sex.

Well she has graduated and I'm getting ready to take her to college in a month. So here I sit, my mind and my heart are still not in a good place. I'm scared, insecure, lonely, but I also think I'm ready to do this (maybe).

This is what I wanted all my life, a husband and kids and home for them to come home to. I thought we would be together when the marriages and babies of my kids happened. I loved being married...but not at the expense of my pride, self esteem and values. I just can't hold on to my fairy tale with what he has done.

I wish I could just erase the last 5 yrs of our lives..but I know that just doesn't happen. Its hard to trust someone whose job takes them away alot and they have betrayled you like my H has. If they don't have integrity, values and principles...a job like this is dangerous for the spouse, and my H didn't/doesn't have them.

H says he lost himself during that time. We were going through a rough period but when I would ask him what was going on he just said "I'm happy...its you". Well I wasn't happy but I was committed.

H nows tells me every morning "I love you and am totally committed to you" whether he is home or not I get that in person or text or ph. call. I think he should add "I promise to keep my zipper up also". I do believe he is trying but not in the way I need him to, but I've come to realize that its always been his way, I just loved him so much I tolerated it. Not anymore though.

So here I sit, my daughter told me tonight that she hopes when she leaves her family doesn't fall apart. She's an athlete on scholarship...again I dont want this to occupy her mind....but I do need to find some happiness in my life. Ughhhhhhhh thanks for listening...just writing this makes me feel better. See I told you guys I"M IN LIMBO!


Me 49
WH 59
2 Daughters 17/22
D-day 11-8-09
D-day #2 1-4-10
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."

Posts: 178 | Registered: Mar 2011
Crazy Daze
Member
Member # 31843
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, July 8th (Friday)

Hog away. Sharing is good for the soul.

Hope you don't mind if I share more of my story.

Yes,I have been in IC for
1 1/2 years. He was originally MC for us but WS walked out of our 2nd session so MC became IC for me. WS finally went for a few IC sessions in June and then we went for MC. We have agreed to waive confidentiality so our hot topics in IC can be shared in MC.

WS agreed to commit to M and end A with OW, become open, honest and transparent. However, none of those have happened in the past month.

Well, he did give me his passwords but he must have opened a new e-mail address as there are no messages in his old one. Everything has been deleted and no new messages.

He also has had opportunities to end A but has chosen not to.

I'm really torn as to what to do. My gut says one thing but heart hates to let go.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2011
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, July 8th (Friday)

Hi Everyone, I no longer think of myself as being in limbo. Though if being in limbo means being neither reconciled, separated or divorced, that is where I am.

However, I am no longer undecided about what I want.

I made list after list of the pros and cons of leaving or staying, of reconciling or divorcing.

The most practical option for me is to stay, at least for now.

I have found a place of peace within myself for the most part.

I know that my situation wouldn't work for everyone, but it's working for me, whether it always will remains to be seen.

[This message edited by neverendinghurt at 2:04 AM, July 8th (Friday)]


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
bestbecameworst
Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, July 8th (Friday)

Does anyone here have a supportive, remorseful WS?

I feel that's what I have but a large part of me is saying, "so what - too little too late".

He once asked me if I was staying around just until he got his act together - I didn't answer b/c I was afraid that may be the case.

I don't want to leave then regret it. But so far, I don't want to stay together. It's SUCH a lie when ppl think we are a great couple and comment on how loving we are!

Well, I was loving, for a time I had it all, emotionally. The issues didn't matter b/c we were there for each other.

So I guess it's not surprising he still thinks, in his words, "we just ARE".

But me? I think, well, we WERE. Then you chose to end it. All the rest is now just mimicry.

So I know I don't want anyone else. But that doesn't mean I want him.

Yup, I'm in limbo. No point in kicking him out if there is any chance of R. I just don't see much real love.

The sex is still pretty good, when I'm up for it, which is unpredictable even to me (I used to ALWAYS want it). But he may eventually stray as I just cannot face a bj. Too intimate with someone I don't think I know.

Or maybe I'm just now finally crazy, for real

Ah well life goes on. Maybe this is as good as it gets.


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, July 8th (Friday)

((((everyone))))

I'm really wishing for some wise words right now. Something to give insight and help towards peace.

I feel too screwed up for that. Half the time when I'm answering posts on the other boards I think M should be saved, the other half I think just leave the wanker.

BBW- that's pretty much where I am. MrH is very loving. It would've been great, just what I needed. Before the 2A even. Now, it's not enough. I look at him and think that's what I always deserved. I should've had 20yrs of this, now, I need more. And it seems like he's incapable.

The other thing is, I just keep feeling like letting go will say it's ok. I know people say that's not what I'm doing, but it feels like it is. Especially with him not doing the work on himself that I see in most of the FWSs here on SI.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11280 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, July 8th (Friday)

Wow, this is nice...a place where I really belong! Although I am pretty comfortable hanging out in General.

Anyway, I am mostly like (neh), neither reconciling, separating, or divorcing.

My situation (I think) is fairly unusual in that due to FOO issues on WH's part, he is emotionally f-ed up. This is what makes him conflict avoidant and confused about what he feels.
Most of the time, he claims to feel nothing, for anyone, even his children. He claims that he only feels strong emotions like love when there are out of the ordinary events occurring. Such as, once many years ago, I had a health crisis and almost died...then...he was sure that he loved me. But, life on an everyday basis engenders no such feelings.

He is in IC and has been for about a year and a half. His IC believes that he find his emotions, but no idea when.

Meanwhile, he still refuses to give me what I need. Still waiting for multiple pages of questions to be answered since he balked at a timeline.

He claims remorse...has cried, said sorry many times, but without the effort of his answering those questions, or knowing that I am loved...I am not all in, and detaching more and more everyday. I am sort of jealous of those whose spouses say that they loved them the entire time that they were cheating. I don't even have that.

He claims to not know what it is that he wants, so in the meantime, I work on me, am looking for work, seeing IC, trying to build a life.

We talk only when I push it due to reaching critical mass over being ignored. He seems perfectly happy when the whole situation is avoided.

I love him (differently now)and absolutely hate his guts at the same time. Have no idea when or where this will all end.

Sorry this is so long, never really explained it all before.

Oh, and BTW, we cannot have sex (not that I would!)due to his prostate surgery. Doctors doubt that this ability will ever return.

Thanks for listening.

Hugs to all.


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
icbtih8
Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, July 9th (Saturday)

BBW - yes I have a remorseful WH who has tried to do almost everything possible to help me heal. But it wasn't enough for me. I had to determine first of all if I could R. Given my personality, my fears, my risk sensitivity, and my intuition (or lack thereof), and the fact that my WH's A were emotionless for the most part, I realized I *could not* R. What he was doing now was irrelevant to my decision.

Maybe you can approach your choice in a similar fashion. Take everything necessary for you to R and then determine if you can accomplish that given your personality and your personal circumstances.

My process had the following stages:

Stage 1: forgiveness. Was I able to forgive, to let go of resentment and be able to see him as simply a flawed human?

Stage 2: acceptance. Could I just accept that the past is what it is? After a grieving period, can I accept that time period from start of A to dday was much less than pretty, that the man I loved did not love me back?

Stage 3: vulnerability. Can I feel safe enough to become emotionally and physically vulnerable to WH once again?

Try as i may, I couldn't get past stage 3. And that was when I knew I didn't have it in me to R. Not only is R not for sissies, but it isn't for risk intolerant people like me.


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, July 9th (Saturday)

The question of remorse is a difficult one for me.

Right after DDay I would have said yes he was remorseful. He was beside himself with grief, he couldn't eat or sleep.

He did his best to take care of me (I wasn't eating or sleeping).

He was answering my questions.

BUT, as my head began to clear a little, and I began to look at the answers he had given, things didn't make sense. I began to unravel the lies.

Even though the infidelity had ended 18 months before I found out. He lied, and lied and lied again.

At the same time, he was telling me he would do anything to make it right, anything to save "us".

Yet the one thing I wanted above all else was for him to be honest about everything that had happened - and that is something he has never been able to do.

Every truth I eventually learned was only forthcoming after I had been able to dig and find stuff myself (mainly by eventually tracking down OW and tricking her into talking).

Ultimately, he was more interested in protecting his own self image, than helping me to heal.



The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 9th (Saturday)

NEH, your last sentence speaks to me. MrH hasn't protected his image through lying (though I feel some of the "I forgot" instances are likely lies) but he has acted like now that his attitude has changed, that's it. No need to help me heal. No need to create a better M. He wants a better M, but not the work that goes with it.

It makes me feel like, even though he's not cheating and he's now loving, he's still the priority.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11280 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

Wow...NEH and Holly-Isis...regarding the "I forgot" and the not answering questions/talking (he says it is embarassing), so I am like you both in assuming that he is still being selfish and that his "embarassment" is more important than my healing.

I feel that this causes more hurt sometimes than the actual affairs. He KNOWS how hurt I am and yet will not take the steps to help me. His feelings are still more important than my suffering.

Still bleeding by the roadside, waiting for him to bring the tourniquet. In real life, I would have bled to death by now.


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

icbtih, liked your stages...something to think about.
My first reaction to all three is no, no, and no, but it needs more deep consideration.


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

I got a lot of "I don't remember" and "I don't know".

I accept that he isn't likely to remember every detail but I know that often it was a case that he simply didn't want to remember.

Part of the problem with H is that not only is he very ashamed of what he did, he is very ashamed that he did it with the particular woman.

Once he ended it with her, he wanted to block it out of his mind, and he did to some extent.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

Yep, I don't believe for one moment that the "I don't remembers" are true. I think he just doesn't want me to know.

I am also dealing with his therapist who is a believer in the not sharing of details of his IC visits and who sees no purpose to his answering my questions. Can't find another IC who accepts our insurance, so we are stuck with him for awhile.


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

Is the IC helping in anyway? To be honest, I wouldn't want my H seeing an IC that didn't see the point in answering my questions.

I should add that I don't have a lot of faith in IC.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
seeker2010
Member
Member # 31552
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

...

[This message edited by seeker2010 at 11:13 AM, July 10th (Sunday)]


Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2011
seeker2010
Member
Member # 31552
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

...

[This message edited by seeker2010 at 11:14 AM, July 10th (Sunday)]


Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2011
SabinatheOwl
Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

*Raises hand* Another BW who hears the "I forgot", or I can't remember", or, my personal favorite, "I already told you ____ but you've forgotten." At this point I think I'm in the bargaining stage. If only, woulda, coulda, shoulda, etc . I'm trying to get back to detachment. My SAWH is unwilling/incapable of being honest and is emotionally shut off. I've decided that I'm done. I thought I'd forgiven him, but I was wrong. My judgement of this man is consistently wrong. So I'm biding my time. Trying to heal.

I too wish I had something to offer other than hugs and understanding, but right now that's all I've got.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

I spent the first two years trying to R, or at least get to a place where R seemed possible or desirable.
For me, that meant clearing away all of the crap of the infidelity and aftermath.

H thought that was possible by sweeping it under the rug. It isn't, the crap is still there, it is just hidden by a rug. It doesn't matter how new or pretty the rug is, lift it or move it just a little and you see the filth underneath it.

It seems that a lot of us are in a similar position. It isn't that we didn't want R, it's that we haven't had from our spouse what we need to R.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
horseluvr
Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

What a great idea. I thought I was crawling out of limbo, but this past week I jumped back in. I still don't know the story. I have pieces of the puzzle that I have put together based on my own info. He won't talk, still denies, would love it if I just put it in the past. I know he will go to his grave with it. I seriously feel like I need to start planning my future w/o him. Just have a feeling he's not in it for the long haul.


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
horseluvr
Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

Do you guys think maybe they won't share with us because it's the secret they shared with AP. Kind of like they can still be in fantasy land and think back, if they tell us about it, we will be intruders into their relationship. Just a thought.


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

Sorry I wasn't here to answer your last question NEH, had to run out to look for some replacement canning supplies.

Anyway...we feel his IC is better than no IC...at least he seems to be helping a bit with his FOO issues.
On the up side, WH has recently said that he is coming around to my way of thinking as far as how can it be helping to continue avoiding issues when that's what got us here in the first place. Maybe he is beginning to "get it", IDK.

I don't even know if it is worth it at this late date.
I don't know if anything will ever make a difference.

horseluvr, I honestly have no idea why they won't share. I certainly hope it's not because they want to keep something special for themselves to remember. That is a horrifying thought to consider. Mine claims embarrassment, but I don't entirely believe that. I don't know what to believe.

Don't you wish you were psychic enough to be able to read minds on command?


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
Going To Make It
Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

Add me to this select group - the ones who just don't know if we're in or out.

I am neither D, S or R. To be R, I would have to know the full extent of all his betrayals and he doesn't have the backbone for that.

He will only admit what I have solid proof of, nothing more.

I don't love him or hate him. I am able to repeat ILY when he says it to me, but the feelings are not there. It's as if I'm just saying a line in a play/tv show it's what is expected.

I believe he will never do this again or hook up with his xw/ltow. I don't believe he ever loved me. I know he didn't protect my reputation, he actually lied and smeared it along with my mother's.

I am still with him because I gave up a career to allow him to chase his. I made a deal with the devil and now it's his turn to pay up!

And pay up he will, I don't want access to only half of his money, I want full access. He's a dick head, but he pays well.

Thanks mods for the new room!


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

Do you guys think maybe they won't share with us because it's the secret they shared with AP. Kind of like they can still be in fantasy land and think back, if they tell us about it, we will be intruders into their relationship. Just a thought.

I am as certain as I can be that is not the reason that H lied or "doesn't remember".

When he has talked about it, about ow, I can tell that he is horrified by it.

For those that don't already know, H met her in a chat room, and it was telephone sex from the first night. detail to H She even gave him her home phone number that first night.

They spent about 5 weeks having telephone sex
then they met for a weekend. Followed by another weekend two or three weeks later.

He cut the second week short and dumped her.

So, no I don;t think he looks back fondly on any of it, he is pretty disgusted with himself.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
ThePilotsWife86
Member
Member # 31596
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

Going to make it.... I love what you said!!!!!

Some of the things I read reminded me of when it all came out...I asked my H what was the name of one of the OW he had been screwing for 2 years...He said "I can't remember" I've been laughing my butt off all night about that. At the time I was pissed and I had forgotten about it but now its funny as shit. You screw someone for 2 1/2 yrs and you can't remember their name!!!!! What a shithead!


Me 49
WH 59
2 Daughters 17/22
D-day 11-8-09
D-day #2 1-4-10
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."

Posts: 178 | Registered: Mar 2011
whydidyou
Member
Member # 29388
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

I can't remember, I forget, it wasn't important enough to remember,I don't remember it that way, she's a liar.

remorse? Yes

able to put my needs first to heal? I think not.

reverting to pre A behavior? Yes

Know's/see's that he is doing that? No

IC him? never

MC? 6 session's poor fit. Does not believe in it anyway.

has never talked about A to another living soul, except, MC (once I think), MOW, me.

say's he know's his why, and has it all figured out. Won't do it again.

Does not "need" to talk about to anyone, pretty sure that includes me.

Unless I bring it up, I don't other anymore.

help's me in no way, and he does not feel the need to talk about A any further.

It is just my way of punishing him, or "my" obsessive behavior on my part.

H is not happy period, not at work,
hates job, not at home ( no peace/ o balance)

never enough sex.

never enough money.

Never enough fun.

can't retire soon enough.

the way I hear it? there is nothing good about our life, marriage, future.

Until I heal myself.

Until I am cured.

Until I can make this work as a team.

were was the team when he f'ed
MOW, where was thenteam when He lied for month's put me through hell with his cruelity,where was the team when he was feeling vulnerable, lonely, taken for granted, an outsider in his own family?.

Where the fuck was the collaboration
then?

Sorry guys just having a bad day.

God, I needed to get that out.

ETA: Just realized..... I guess we were never a team, I just didn't see it.
Think I am going go finish a good cry
now.

[This message edited by whydidyou at 10:12 PM, July 9th (Saturday)]


BS (me)
WS (him)HowIHeal
DD 1/2010

ETA. IPAD auto correct stinks, sorry for typos and numerous edits!


Posts: 759 | Registered: Aug 2010
MixedUpMess
Member
Member # 15256
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 9th (Saturday)

never mind

[This message edited by MixedUpMess at 8:34 PM, July 10th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 5-28-2007
Married: 26 years
Me (BS): 48 (Cancer survivor!)
Him (WS)(Alcoholic): 48
DD: 17
False R for 1.5 yrs+
He moved out 5/10. In limbo.

I was sad because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet.


Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: MD
Going To Make It
Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, July 10th (Sunday)

Thanks PW, it sucks that my marriage turned out this way, I didn't want it to (none of us did).

I don't always live in the marital home. I have a little place in Fl that I go to for some space. I'm trying to get my new career off the ground and I do have the financial support I need, but that's about it.

I just spent a week with my bff. He joined us half way through and nit picked at my bff the whole time. She didn't help.

He doesn't want me to have an intrests outside of him and he's not to happy that I do.

When xw/ow called to out him in 04, I told him he had to call her back and tell her he didn't love her, he loved me. He said "I can't hurt her that way"

I don't trust anything he says about the LTA, but I do believe him when he says he's picking up milk from the store

He expects me to believe he loves only me, that i'm the love of his life, that i'm the best sexual partner he's ever had, blah, blah, blah. His actions haven't shown me that and it's just to little to late at this point. We still have sex, but that's all it is, just another bodily function like brushing my teeth or combing my hair.

I don't need him for anything but money and he realizes it. He used me to appear respectable and now I'm using him.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
ThePilotsWife86
Member
Member # 31596
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 10th (Sunday)

GTMI...I know what you mean, it does suck that it turned out like this. Every morning I wake up and think ughhhhh I wish I had something to be excited about. Seems like your moving along with your life and your H is just a small part of it. I need to get to that point.

My H still flies so when he is on a trip my mind wonders alot. If he calls and says "going out to diner and a few drinks with the captain" that translate to me as "going out to pick up my next whore". I can't help it but that is what I think and that sick feeling in my stomach starts up. There is no trust at all.

He used me to appear respectable and now I'm using him.

Such a true statement for me. H always wants to look good to everyone else but when he travels...no one is looking. He can do whatever he wants and how am I to find out.



Me 49
WH 59
2 Daughters 17/22
D-day 11-8-09
D-day #2 1-4-10
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."

Posts: 178 | Registered: Mar 2011
Going To Make It
Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 10th (Sunday)

PW, girl I've got 5 years on you. You will get there, not to worry. dh's (just so we're clear, it's dick head) first career was in the Navy, he was in for 10 years when I met him, so it was easy for him to do as he wanted and in his words to his numerous slunts "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" and his second career also has him away for 90% of the time.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I learned the mantra early on that "I can't control what he does" only my reaction to it.

If I expect it, then it won't be a shock, kwim? So, anything goes now, my expectations are below sea level

I cannot nor will I ever give my heart to him. He had that chance and threw me away. He in his fog doesn't realize it and thinks we are just the perfect pair, soul mates even. What we are is FWB that has children and history together.

I want my children to believe in fairy tales, who know's it might happen for them. If they find themselves one day in the same pair of shoes as I was, then I will pick them up and help them through it as best as I can.

Now is the time to start living PW. You can have a life, you've got an empty nest. Seriously, start a new adventure. I don't mean take up knitting or the local water color class (unless that's what you really want to do) I mean try out the zip line at the zoo or ski mountain.

I participate in Pirate Festivals, Ren Fairs and such. To assist with my speach, I hired a private tutor. My point is do something you thought you would NEVER do.

Take advantage of his status as a Pilot, I would be jetting around the world when he is away! Since dh was in the Navy and always on cruise, I use to tell him when he retires I was going to join a cruise line and since I was a bartender at that time, it seemed like a great job to take floating on the Med.

[This message edited by Going To Make It at 10:25 AM, July 10th (Sunday)]


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, July 10th (Sunday)

@whydidyou

Wow, sounds like you sure are married to an idiot. I know we all pretty much are, but yours sounds extremely selfish.
If he expects there to be a team effort someone needs to explain to him that there is more than one person on a team.

Anyway, hope you are feeling at least a little bit better today. Your post was so sad.

I can relate to the part where he implies that no part of his life with you makes him happy. Mine doesn't feel much happiness either.
I did ask him not too long ago what makes him feel happy...his reply...his job!
Put me in my place.

Razor always likens this situation as having to eat a s**t sandwich (pardon the language)and the more I think about it that way, the more I agree with him.

As I said earlier, hope you are feeling better today after your cry. I know sometimes it helps a little.

((((whydidyou))))


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
jsngold
Member
Member # 27699
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, July 12th (Tuesday)

Yesterday, I asked my wife: "Why do you avoid me?"

She responded: "Because I am tired, and you are always harping on me." Then she stormed off.

I don't understand. How I can "harp" on her when we never talk to each other?

Because I am working the 180, I only bring up the topic of "us" once every 3 months.

But apparently that is called "always harping" on her.

I am so sick of limbo. But not enough to consider divorce a better alternative. And I have to strangle any fantasies of my wife wanting to reconcile. So it is back to limbo.

Arrrg!


BH: 37 (me)
WW: 37 (her) SAB, EA (but not PA, or so she says)
Married: 12.5 years
Kids: 12, 9, and 7
D-Day: 7 Feb 2010
Divorced: 22 July 2012

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, July 12th (Tuesday)

Hi all, I will try the new thread too. I got TT for 6-7 months, then some details, and nothing since. She does not want to talk about it, does not want to "give energy" to the thoughts. I know there is more, but I accept what happened.

My limbo comes from the aftermath. The year after dday was an epiphany for fww. She began to realize her role in our dysfunction, and that I was not the source of everything wrong in the M and her life. She did IC for about 7 months for borderline personality traits, and we are trying some MC now. She is deeply ashamed of what she did, and this eats at her. She still sees things in black and white, all good or bad for the most part. When she is angry, she still targets me as the cause of everything that went wrong. Sex? She is now struggling with childhood SAb issues that she did not think were that big a deal prior to the IC. I envy those that “only” have sex 1-2 times a month; we can go 3 months between sex. She does not like to hug, does not like to kiss, but touch and quality time are my love languages. Scheduling time with me she says is another obligation she has to find time for.

Geesh, I write this all out it seems perfectly clear that I should be moving on. Finances are the big issue for me. Our house is underwater, older son is in college; fww lost her job a while back. Money is tight. I suspect D would lead to bankruptcy and foreclosure. I make a good salary, and have a prospect for a job with a significant bump. If I get that job, finances may be better but it will require moving from a house we cannot sell. It will still be tough to keep a kid in school, prepare for another in college in 3 years, and pay to support her and I separately.

Or we just keep living as we do now, much like the last 5-6 years before dday. She does her thing, and I do mine. We have sex 3-4 times a year. She visits her family without me. My sil is uncomfortable around me because she knew about the A’s, both step-daughters knew about the A’s and the older one blames me for everything wrong in the family, much like her mother did.

I used to love her so much, despite what I now see was emotional abuse. There just does not seem to be anything to work with now. Once our eyes are opened…


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4147 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
jadedheart
Member
Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 12th (Tuesday)

(((everyone)))

Limbo is a lonely place sometimes. WH tells me he is fully committed to our marriage, but when I ask questions now he says, "I don't know/remember." When I ask him why he doesn't know/remember he says, "I am trying to put that all behind me." WOW! I would love to be able to do that too!

So that is why limbo is such a lonely place...it is a place where I still don't come before his own needs.

Just taking it one day at a time now until my path becomes clear to me.


Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 980 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 12th (Tuesday)

The problem with limbo it seems is that none of us are getting what we actually want/need to heal and fix things.

Too many unresolved issues.
Healing is difficult like this, at least for me. I want to know that I matter. It hurts to be inconsequential, and I agree with last poster (sorry, forgot your name) it's a darn lonely place to be.
Sometimes, I feel stuck in the hurt and angry phase and don't know what to do to get out of it. Ignoring it doesn't seem to work although it does for him.

Patience has never been one of my virtues and I can't believe that it is coming up on two years (in Sept.) with so little work being done. I do not understand why they cannot talk. I find this baffling.

@ats, I relate to not being able to sell house in order to S or D. We would lose much in this market, and poverty is soooo not attractive.


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, July 12th (Tuesday)

Would you leave if:

A: you had somewhere to go
B: it was financially viable for you to do so
C: if your kids were older
D: if you didn;t have kids
E: if you wasn't afraid of being alone


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
DeeplyHurting
Member
Member # 32650
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, July 12th (Tuesday)

I think this is where I may belong. I am hurting……..

I am in limbo and I hate every minute of it. When I first found out about the A, I wanted a D – no questions asked. I received a message through FB that my H was seeing a co-worker. When I approached him about it, he admitted to a PA and EA. I thought WH was genuinely remorseful – he told all, sometimes too much. He was crying just as much as me. Couldn’t eat or sleep. Then WH had to travel out of the country to visit his sick mother for a couple of days. I really missed him and I decided to really give it a try. That didn’t last very long. Every time there is a trigger, argument, or lie I go back to feeling like I really don’t deserve this and I tell WH that I can’t take it anymore and I want a divorce.

He says he can’t deal with my emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel like WH doesn’t have the guts to tell me how he really feels and keeps doing little things to push me over the edge so I will D him. For example he is very loving, affectionate if we don’t talk about the A. Now - if we discuss things about the A, I get the: I don’t knows, and can’t remember. Why were you so open in the beginning? If I catch him in a lie, he says he didn’t want to hurt me.

I am having a difficult time deciphering what WH really wants. At times he seems remorseful, but he cannot handle me being upset and crying (which I do often). It’s SO HARD because I thought our marriage was one-of-a-kind, and special. I look in his eyes and think How could you? How could you live two lives and be so deceitful? I just don’t know what to believe. He tells me that he loves me and can’t imagine life without me. HOWEVER, recently I sent a letter explaining to WH that I want to make it work. I included specific boundaries and told him he has NC with me until he makes up his mind what he wants. Obviously he has chosen NC with me as I haven’t heard from him since Sunday. He promised me a letter yesterday to explain his side – NOTHING!

Is he pushing me further to D? WH knows I have an appointment on Thursday with a lawyer. This is not how a person who WANTS to save their marriage acts. He says things like: I am confused, or I don’t know if the A was real. WTH? What does that mean? What are you confused about I ask him and he can’t seem to explain – as articulate as he is!!

I would rather that he be up front and tell me either way. It is bad enough that he did what he did and had the A, but to keep me in limbo is just wrong. And it HURTS SO MUCH!


Me – BS, 38
Him – WS, 45
DDay #1 – March 27, 2011
DDay #2 – August 2011 (OW sent me over 50 emails with pics, texts, phone records, etc.)
Married – 10 years, together 12
Status – Trying to R

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2011
lost4now
Member
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, July 12th (Tuesday)

I no longer consider myself in limbo. I am right where I want to be at this moment. Concentrating on ME. My WH and I separated in March....but he wants to come back home. We are both in IC and working on ourselves.

I really am working on myself. I do alot of thinking. Not just about my WH and his A, but about our M and my life in general. When I finally make a decision about my future (and that of my children) it will be coming from a place of strength rather than fear! I feel this is extremely important. I do not fear being alone (I have been alone for several months and I am ok!)...I do not fear financial security (I can make it because I am resourceful and hard working!)....I do not fear for my children (they have shown how strong they are these past several months!).

Whatever decision I make (NOT HIM) will be what I can live with and will happen when I am ready.

This is not to say that some days are not just awful....because they are. I just refocus on me and work hard to make the most of this time of learning and processing.

Sorry we are all here!


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
DeeplyHurting
Member
Member # 32650
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 12th (Tuesday)

Neverendinghurt,

Hmmm! Let me see. I definitely have somewhere to go, although that means moving to my homeland. I can take care of myself financially. My son is independent (20 yrs old). I guess the one reason that I am in Limbo is because I am afraid of being alone.

I really question myself with “Why do I think about staying?” When I first found out about the A, My gut told me to leave – RUN! We have NOTHING keeping us together but good memories, no finances, no shared children, no house. I kept telling my WH that our time is up. He would adamantly deny it with an emphatic NO! He would tell me to give it time. I kept asking myself: What am I fighting for? I still have a hard time answering that question. Love and time is on our side. We did have fun together when we went out and at home. That changes when the trust is gone.

If I am honest with myself I am afraid of being alone. I haven’t been on a date since my mid-twenties. I am now almost 40. Although I look much younger! (SMILES) I wouldn’t even know where to begin.


Me – BS, 38
Him – WS, 45
DDay #1 – March 27, 2011
DDay #2 – August 2011 (OW sent me over 50 emails with pics, texts, phone records, etc.)
Married – 10 years, together 12
Status – Trying to R

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2011
sootired
Member
Member # 22952
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 12th (Tuesday)

I too am in limbo, mostly because each time I think we are reconcilling I learn she is back at it with someone new and I return to the 180. I do have a lawyer and have at least begun the information part of the process with him.
But for now, floating...


Me 42 BH
Her 35 WW-15 month EA followed by ONS(so she says) with another
seem to be in full R (i hope)
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 realize it was False R all along
2011 cautiously in R

Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow


Posts: 385 | Registered: Feb 2009
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 12th (Tuesday)

Deeplyhurting and anyone else that fears being alone, you can be with someone and be more alone that if you were actually on your own.

Alternatively, you can live alone but not feel lonely.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, July 12th (Tuesday)

@neh: for me it would be both B & E. No, not breaking and entering!

@lost4now: Good for you. Sounds like you are in a good place and already dealing with all this from a place of strength.

@sotired: Sounds like you have a plan in place but like a lot of us are waiting for that certain sign to indicate whether to stay or go. Sucks!
Are you in IC or MC?

@deeplyhurting: Sounds like these are early days for you, yes?
The beginning is an awful place to be. It is unfamiliar territory and all is so new and raw.
Are you guys in IC or MC? Sometimes it can help to figure out things/feelings.

I understand how difficult it is to wait for him to know what it is he wants. BTDT, still doing that thanks to his FOO issues. He doesn't even know what he feels, much less what he wants.

(((((Hugs to all))))


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
DeeplyHurting
Member
Member # 32650
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, July 12th (Tuesday)

Milia,
I checked the abbreviations here on the site but I can’t figure out what BTDT and FOO stand for – I’m a little slow sometimes! LOL

Yes this is fairly new to me. D-Day was March 27. I found this site end of June. I am struggling. It makes it more difficult because I am leaving the country on Sunday and we have so much to finalize and discuss. I talked to WH briefly tonight. He claims to want me. He feels like he is in a nightmare and wonders if it this is really happening. He is still working on his letter. (Sometimes I wonder if I will ever receive it).

Our insurance should kick in early September. We will go to counseling then. My boundaries included IC and MC.
Lost4now – I Love your words of wisdom and inner strength. You have given me rays of hope!

Neverendinghurt – SO TRUE!


Me – BS, 38
Him – WS, 45
DDay #1 – March 27, 2011
DDay #2 – August 2011 (OW sent me over 50 emails with pics, texts, phone records, etc.)
Married – 10 years, together 12
Status – Trying to R

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2011
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, July 12th (Tuesday)

BTDT = been there done that

FOO = Family of origin


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
Imissmybubble
Member
Member # 29820
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)

I guess this is where I belong, too. I feel like I'm being a total drag in General and I left Reconciliation when I discovered the second OW through TT.

Not only is R not for sissies, but it isn't for risk intolerant people like me.

I can't risk anything anymore...I'm locked down tight to avoid showing any kind of weakness to WH...feels like suicide to show weakness, KWIM?


BS=me, WS=him

Posts: 1318 | Registered: Oct 2010
jadedheart
Member
Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)

in answer to neverending hurts list...

I would answer yes to B,C,D

I am not afraid to tbe alone. I am only afraid of making a decision that will destroy my kids. Unless we have another DDay then I am prepared to remain in limbo for the next year. If there is ever another DDay then I can't say what will happen. At that point all bets will be off. I love my children more than anything, but there is only so much even they would want me to endure. They don't know about the A, but if they did I know they would not want me to keep enduring that kind of pain. I will protect them for as long as I can.


Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 980 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
Going To Make It
Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 14th (Thursday)

As someone else said, we can't heal correctly if we don't have a ws who is willing to be totally honest with himself and with us.

That is where I am, Since I only know what I have discovered, I can't offer forgiveness unless he admits the depth of the betrayal.

We are friends with benefits, married on paper only. He keeps me in the style I've grown accustomed to and I don't want a lifestyle change. Poverty is very unappealing to me.

I am fortunate, I don't always have to live with him. I have a little place several states away when I need my "space". He's not happy about it, but I don't care. He didn't care about all the pain he was putting me through either. He just has to get use to the "new us".

Hugs to all enduring this crap.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
SabinatheOwl
Member
Member # 30023
What?  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 14th (Thursday)

Would you leave if:

A: you had somewhere to go

B: it was financially viable for you to do so

C: if your kids were older

D: if you didn;t have kids

E: if you wasn't afraid of being alone


In answer to neh's question, for me it's mostly B with a little E added for seasoning. Typically when I've made up my mind to follow a path, go through with a decision, I don't deviate no matter what. Now, I find myself questioning anew what I really want and that's an uncomfortable and scary feeling for me. Personal growth is good & healthy and a sign of (gasp, lol) maturity. Intellectually, I know that, but my inner child is slow to accept changes.

Anyhow-I'm starting to wonder if I could potentially stay & truly work toward R only if & when I don't feel financially trapped. Until recently I've been very very set on S & eventual D (which I've not ruled out), but the thought pops into my head that I'm in limbo because I feel trapped, as opposed to the other way around. Yes, I'm a slow learner when it comes to emotional stuff. . My SAWH & I agree that there is much between us to work through & that individually there's significant work yet to be accomplished.

That's where I am right now. Learning to be ok with not knowing. Working on me. Thanks for letting me get all of this out there.

~ Sabina



Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Imissmybubble
Member
Member # 29820
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 14th (Thursday)

To answer the questions, for me it's just "B", pure and simple. If money appeared, I'd be gone.


BS=me, WS=him

Posts: 1318 | Registered: Oct 2010
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 14th (Thursday)

but the thought pops into my head that I'm in limbo because I feel trapped

Yes, that is what I eventually figured out. Once stopped feeling trapped, I was able to think more clearly about what I wanted and needed.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, July 14th (Thursday)

I think I might be the only one here who finds comfort in limbo. I hated it for the first month when it was imposed by WH as he continued his affair. Now I feel safe here, as I don't have to make any decisions. Well I do, but I can pretend.

I think my reasons for staying right now are E, and F (fear of regret)...just keep thinking he might still be that strong, moral man I saw before.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3531 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
icbtih8
Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, July 14th (Thursday)

but the thought pops into my head that I'm in limbo because I feel trapped

I felt like that too. At one point I had to turn it around and realized that I felt trapped because I was in limbo. That was one of the motivators I used to get me out of limbo.


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
DeeplyHurting
Member
Member # 32650
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, July 15th (Friday)

Out of limbo - WH and I met tonight and officially decided to try R.


Me – BS, 38
Him – WS, 45
DDay #1 – March 27, 2011
DDay #2 – August 2011 (OW sent me over 50 emails with pics, texts, phone records, etc.)
Married – 10 years, together 12
Status – Trying to R

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2011
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, July 15th (Friday)

Deeply Hurting - Good luck


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
Crazy Daze
Member
Member # 31843
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, July 15th (Friday)

Yes, good luck DH. R ain't for sissies.

I have been thinking about why I haven't pushed for D.

I should be able to stay where I am, I believe I would be OK financially, our kids are in their 20's and I have been alone since March.

Oh, I don't like living alone but I am not lonely.

So why am I am limbo? IC would say that I'm stuck and push me to take a stance.

So I'm still standing, but why????? I'm going to give it some real thought and figure out the truth.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2011
time4me2
Member
Member # 17531
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, July 15th (Friday)

I feel awful about this right now but I AM IN LIMBO. 7 years of limbo, 7 years of not leaving for some reason or another. Problems with youngest son at the time, dealing with youngest son (again) joining the military (Iraq and back twice), dealing with H's cancer diagnosis. It never seems to end. My head is so messed up. I want to stay and work it out one day and the next I'm daydreaming of leaving. I promised myself that if I ever find out anything else, I'm leaving. My heart breaks for each and every one of us who have had to deal with this.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Dec 2007
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Concerned  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 15th (Friday)

I had MC yesterday for the first time since WH has kept NC and now I am feeling really vulnerable again. I hate it. I don't know if I'm strong enough to R.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3531 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
horseluvr
Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, July 15th (Friday)

Time4me2..Ditto. I thought we were doing well, still had an underlying gut feeling, but thought it was just habit. I have since found some things, of course nothing that he couldn't wiggle out of. It's not even so much of the things I found, it's the cold wind blowing through my home again. Distant, pre-occupied, obsessed with phone again. History repeating itself, but this time, I don't think I have it in me to fight it. Im tired. Feel like a floating balloon with no direction. We aren't in R, he won't go to MC, he's not transparent, he stil hasn't told me the truth of the A. I go from lonely to pissed to just not giving a shit.


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, July 16th (Saturday)

So what would it take to help you to move out of limbo and into R?

For me, even now, if he would just give me a full and honest account of what happened, then I would try R.

It is the only thing I have asked of him and he hasn't done it.

There is nothing about our marriage pre Dday that I would change, nothing about the way things were between us, nothing about him I would change.

Just the truth, plain and simple.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
betrayedmomof3
Member
Member # 32093
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, July 16th (Saturday)

NEH that's me too. I asked for one thing. The truth. He won't do it. My head knows what to do. My heart is still catching up....


We have no money, thanks to him. Our three kids are under four. I do fear being alone since I know no one will want all this baggage for another 15 years or so. But I would never stay for fear of loneliness. I was alone before dday.

I still haven't been to a lawyer...

[This message edited by betrayedmomof3 at 10:26 PM, August 19th (Friday)]


Together 12 yrs, married 6
Dday from Hell 2/6/11
3 kids under 5
I would do anything to have my family in one piece but I know its shattered...

Posts: 108 | Registered: May 2011 | From: betrayedmomof3
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 16th (Saturday)

((betrayedmom))

Don't despair that you won't find someone else.

When my brother raised 6 kids that weren't his


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
SabinatheOwl
Member
Member # 30023
Shocked  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 16th (Saturday)

So what would it take to help you to move out of limbo and into R?

Not willing to try R with him. The list of conditions is long & he isn't capable or willing to do any of any of it. It has been nearly 18 months & he hasn't done any of these things.

1. Accept full responsibility for his choices and the consequences that come from them.

2. Begin and maintain weekly IC sessions with a CSAT

3. Minimum weekly attendance at a 12 step meeting.

4. Anger management class

5. Honesty & transparency

6. Maintain NC (not last in importance, just last in my thought process, lol).

I know there are spouses here on SI who have successfully R'd with a recovering adddict, but my WH isn't anywhere near 'recovery' and R simply isn't in the cards.


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Imissmybubble
Member
Member # 29820
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 16th (Saturday)

I think I might be moving from limbo to R, as well. Something...shifted...in me yesterday. Don't know what it was but he's not giving up so I guess I decided to see what he's got to say and what he's going to do. Scared spitless but nothing that comes easily is worth having, right?


BS=me, WS=him

Posts: 1318 | Registered: Oct 2010
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 16th (Saturday)

((Imissmybubble)) - hope it works out for you.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
Imissmybubble
Member
Member # 29820
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 17th (Sunday)

Thank you, Neverendinghurt.

I know my WH was terrified for me to find out OW#2 because he fell for her...he knew that would send me over the edge. So, he lied, for a year, to protect himself. He was right, I found out and it sent me over the edge. I kicked him out of our bed and made plans for a divorce and I started getting ready to be on my own. BUT, and it's a big but, I didn't WANT to lose my marriage so even though the truth was horrifying, I now know it and can start to deal with it. If your WH knows you can get past his ugly truth and work hard to R because YOU want to, no matter what, do you think he'd tell you? Would he feel safe enough to tell you? Can you honestly say there is NOTHING he could tell you that would be a dealbreaker? Maybe he senses that there are lines he can't cross without losing you for sure so he holds back out of fear. Obviously that is soooo not fair for him to be making that decision, but he sure wouldn't be the first WH to think like that.

(((neverendinghurt)))
I hope a breakthru comes for you, soon.


BS=me, WS=him

Posts: 1318 | Registered: Oct 2010
frigidfire86
Member
Member # 32324
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, July 17th (Sunday)

It isn't that we didn't want R, it's that we haven't had from our spouse what we need to R.

This really hit home for me. I want to be married to my H. I want to R. I want to be happy WITH HIM for the rest of my life. I just don't know for sure what he wants, other than to pretend we're okay and the A didn't happen. As of right now, I'm biding my time until I'm done with school so I can move on and raise our daughter. I have one year left...he has one year to get his shit together or I'm gone.

[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 10:11 PM, July 17th (Sunday)]


Me: 28
Him: 29
Married 8 years
Daughter, 7 yrs old
D-Day: 05/08/2011

Posts: 628 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Germany
Crazy Daze
Member
Member # 31843
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, July 18th (Monday)

So what would it take to help me to move out of limbo and into R?

Just a few things.....

1. I need WS to give up OW!

2. I need WS to be open and honest with complete transparency.

3. I need WS to be remorseful.

4. I need WS to be in IC & MC.

5. I need proof that WS is giving 100% to R.

So it's limbo for me until I get the guts to file because I don't believe he will ever give her up.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2011
Going To Make It
Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 18th (Monday)

Let me first say, there are days that I don't post due to dh being off work. He doesn't like me to be on here (gee I wonder why) and thinks I'm not moving forward and leaving the past behind me. No, seriously.

Limbo is different to us all, but the one prevailing theme is we are not healed, the marriage is not better and the bs is still floundering. Me included

So what would it take to help me to move out of limbo and into R?

* The complete unvarnished truth, with a timeline to back it up with. He needs to prove to me that the child she had is NOT his. By virtue of being married to him, when they divorced the judge told him he couldn't request she take back her maiden name. So when she had the child (1 year younger than my youngest child 23) she gave him my husbands last name and left the father's name blank on the birth certificate.

* To show true remorse. Saying Yeah, I fucked up, I'm a shithead. I'm sorry. I'm not that guy anymore. Doesn't do it for me.

* He needs to make me believe I am the love of his life. Words just don't cut it for me any longer. He doesn't say anything different than he did before I found. The lovey, dovey crap is just a lot thicker now.

I would give my soul to love him the way I use to. I swear I thought it was unconditional, but it wasn't.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
Going To Make It
Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 18th (Monday)

We're rooting for you Deeply Hurting. You go girl!


There is nothing about our marriage pre Dday that I would change, nothing about the way things were between us, nothing about him I would change.

NEH - that's the most bitter pill for me to chew. My life was the bomb! I really had it going on, all together and now I look back and feel like a fraud. How easily I was to fool. Just having a bad day. Lots of triggers I have to go through alone.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
strugglingmomi4
Member
Member # 18015
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 18th (Monday)

Short overview...
My H had an A almost four years ago...
"He" made the final decision that he wanted his marriage and his family.. so, the healing process began... OR DID IT??

I'm not going to blame him for everything as this has been a two way street... in 2009, I left our marital home in search of that spark that I had been needing...

After his affair I was numb.. actually to the point I was litterally disgusted at the thought of being with him... so I left,(with the kids and went to stay with my grandmother) I needed so badly to find myself, to exist as ME and not as US.. he stayed in our home - I was out of the house about 6 months.. and it was devestatingly hard. I think more so because myself and my kids were not adjusting well staying outside of our home... my H and I were fighting... he already had a new gf... and it was TOUGH!

My H and I had our fist child while I was 17... I moved out of my parents house into his... He is ALL I know... He's the only true family I've ever had...

After being apart and seeing him with another woman, knowing it was not me in his life HURT and I decided I wanted back in... I wanted to be the one with my H and children.. I don't want any other woman in their lives... I was out of my comfort zone and he's all I've ever known... he is my comfort and I think that's why I went back... I'm home with him...

Since I went back almost 2 years ago.. things have been ok or at least I thought..

I'm so lost... I feel as though I'm existing only moving through the daily motions of being married... not really happy, not in love or out of love... we have no intimate connection. I feel as though we are simply raising our kids.. we don't have in depth conversations.. mostly how was your day and routine I love you's. He's hurting, knowing that I don't have that "in love" connection with him.. And I'm hurting feeling as though I'm trapped here... stuck with what we have become..

Could I really truley have been hurt SO BADLY that I simply cannot restore us?? The pain was so deep and I had to look deep inside myself and make the changes I needed to protect me.. and my children from any further hurt. I gave him my ALL.. and I mean my ALL... I simply loved him with all of my being... and once he was no longer the means of my happiness I knew I had to live for me.. and no one else. I've changed, I've grown as an individual... tyring to learn that I have to provide myself with happiness... and not relying on him or anyone else to make me happy. I've since re-united with my best of fiends... the ones that were always there.. the ones I pushed away for him.. for my family. I started doing things I enjoy... walking, running, trying new things... LIVING. I want to live... I want to have an able to feel that love again... I feel as though the light inside of me is burnt out... and I'm simply existing...

We had a fight this weekend... and underneath it all we've both come to realize that were not in a good place... not good for us or for our four small children... he's hurting... I'm unhappy... He still looks at me with that "In Love" feeling.. and I KNOW he loves me more now than he ever has. And my life is great.. I have everything I could ever want or need... So why? Why am I stuck?? I want that feeling back with him... I want to be happy with him... I just don't know how to re-gain what we once had.... I know it will never be the same, but I'll settle for something close...

Sorry for the rambling...

I feel lost... and I'm not sure where to start...



...Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do... But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength...


Posts: 277 | Registered: Jan 2008
horseluvr
Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)

I do want my M, but I dont want the M I have now.

What I need for R:

1. The truth about A
2. Feel secure that he's NC
3. Know that he is here
til the end.
4. Know that he loves
me.
5. MC to deal with
issues that were
pre-A and now.
6. Make me feel like
a priority
7. Be open to conv-
ersation about
subjects that are
hard sometimes. He wont let me in on anything other than kids and job. There is no substance. feels like we really dont know each other, which is so strange for having such a long history together.
8. work on his anger


I have never been a real needy person and am pretty easy to please. Sometimes I feel so weird saying, hey Im not feelin the love, but its so true.

[This message edited by horseluvr at 2:19 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
GetEvenInAZ
Member
Member # 30891
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)

Woo hoo! Count me in! (BTW - this trying to keep a positive attitude SUCKS!)

Still catching up on the earlier posts, but wanted to jump in and say "hello!". I've followed many of the posters in the past - holly-isis & sabina, you two in particular - and am honored to be in such wise company.


Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
GetEvenInAZ
Member
Member # 30891
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)

(((everyone)))

This is horrible!


Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
inahurricane
Member
Member # 28687
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)

Timely new thread.

Mr. Hurricane has done what needs to be done for recovery.

But I find myself in this limbo place. My love has died. I keep thinking of him as a man who broke his vow. Sometimes I want a divorce and I am rewritting our 7 year marriage as one in which I have done so much sacrificing and he repaid me with vow breaking. Other times I remember some of the incredibly difficult sacrifices he has made and realize I am rewritting our history.

So is limbo just a place at 16 months like all the other places I have been on this crappy journey? Or is this my inner self telling me to get out? I don't feel trapped so much as stuck. Emotionally stuck and it's leaving me depressed and frozen.

Ive been here before in my life at times of great indecision and it sucks. Once I've made my decision and acted it seems so obvious what I was to do but up to that point it is muddy. All I know is that this is not the life that I want. So why do I stay?

Both my sister's divorced and now in their late 50's are alone and in the poor house. Their exhusbands are doing fine, both financially and with new partners. One sister was also a BS and this lead to her divorce. I am afraid I will fall into that same place as my sisters.

If I fail at my marriage I feel that I have failed at my life. I waited to marry until I was 40. What does this say about me?

I gave up my career for my husband's. Who is going to hire a midlevel professional who is 48 and has been out of the market for 4 years? I should mention I loved what I did. I was a field wildlife biologist. It killed me to have given that up but at the same time I am 48 and Ive worked since I was 14. Im just no longer willing to start all over again at any job, so what would I do?

Mr. Hurricane can still be a real selfish weak jerk but other times he is amazingly strong and self sacrificing.

I'm in the middle of menopause and I wonder if my lack of emotional attachment has anything to do with my hormone changes.

So I wait here in this emotional dead zone uncommitted to either divorce or recovery, looking for the right direction to take.


[This message edited by inahurricane at 9:01 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]


BW - FWH in our 40's
FWH confessed March 21, 2010
Reconciled(Us), Redemption (WS & OW), Reclaimed (my life)


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: North Carolina
horseluvr
Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 20th (Wednesday)

Hurricane, wow what an interesting job you had, your a step ahead of me. Can you go back to that, sounds like you really liked your job. Limbo is horrible, time just passes. I hope we can all find our happy place. As far as your sisters go, I have read some posts on here of women on here in their 50's that have D and say they are happier. I guess its what we make of our lives. I too have thought, Im not a youngster anymore and dont want to be alone. However, I couldnt be any lonlier than I am here with an emotionally bankrupt M. I hate to say never, but I dont think I would ever get married again.


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
inahurricane
Member
Member # 28687
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

@horseluvr,
Yes it was a great career. Unfortunately, the place we now live has no opening in my field and has not for the past 8 years nor are there likely to be any for another 5-10 years at which point I will likely be outcompeted by a younger generation.

To go back to my field would mean moving which ultimately would mean divorce because mr hurricane is unwilling to move. Add in the selfishness of the infidelity and I wonder why I am still married.

But than I think back on my life and I realize those moments that are the most precious are those involving relationships with other people not those involving my career path or where we live.

So how can I justify ending a relationship with a remorseful man for a new uncertain start.

All I know is it feels like that movie Groundhogs Day around here sometimes. Yes this is better than the crucible of pain I was in this time last year but the doldrums are not so swell either.


[This message edited by inahurricane at 2:39 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)]


BW - FWH in our 40's
FWH confessed March 21, 2010
Reconciled(Us), Redemption (WS & OW), Reclaimed (my life)


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: North Carolina
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

At close to 15 years past Dday#1 I dont know if I qualify to be 1 to say that Im in limbo. But if I do. I ought to be the mayor.

I wrote a thing about a Facsimile Reconciliation. But it seems to have fallen off the edge of the world.

Anyhow.
Most times I think limbo ends. Trust or something close to it is restored. And some shade of intimacy can be attained.

Then some times limbo just kinda becomes a way of life.
Easier for WW to keep denying blaming and lying. Easier for WW to bury every thing under the carpet.
Easier for me to just not push for any more from her. Easier for me to not trust her.

The way limbo ends most times is not within my experience. Id like to think that ending is a happy one.

But staying in limbo can be ok too. All you have to do is lower your expectations of WS. Lock up your heart. Forget your dreams of growing old together while laughing at old times. Develop friends and interests that are separate from WS. I know that sounds bad to some. But really is aint so bad. You get used to it in time.

[This message edited by Razor at 2:53 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)]


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
icbtih8
Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

Inahurricane, have you thought about teaching? Maybe teaching at the local college will help you rebound from the leave of absence.


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
crashnburn2172
Member
Member # 31717
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

Hi Everyone,
Guess I'm here too.

I can't get over WHs affair and I'm just stuck.

He's been honest and met all the conditions of R and its just me stuck here.

I lost a baby at 16 weeks almost 2 years ago. He lied and told everyone it wasn't his. Smeared me to everyone who'd listen to impress cumdumpster and have his family accept his A. Made my pregnancy a living hell. And when I lost it, I was completely alone. And since in Feb I found all this out, I've been in a rage. I literally have punched him in the face when he lies to me about his A. He tried TTing for awhile until I found out about him denying our baby and I had indisputable proof of it and gave him a concussion. He was trying to get MOW pregnant. And not only was I cheated on, but I feel like a failure as a woman.

That was our miracle baby. I've miscarried over and over again and it was the first time I made it past 7 weeks and I got hurt at work because he was too busy seeing her to contribute to the bills. That's where he was the nite I went to the hospital. I also had issues because I somehow developed HPV and a severe infection from him messing around and my doctor said it was just hybernating (I've only been with WH for 4 years, now I know my doc knew but wouldnt tell me).

I guess I can deal with the rest, him turning his whole family and our friends against me, moving in with her, serving me with D papers on VDay, standing me up for a romantic weekend... I just can't get over him denying our miracle and throwing our baby away to be with MOW.


Posts: 487 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: crashnburn2172
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

(((crashburn))) I have to ask - why are you staying with him?


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
crashnburn2172
Member
Member # 31717
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

Well,
I was trying for a D since he filed and got court ordered MC, retroville, and still have to continue supporting him financially until the D is over. So working full-time, running my own business, and attending college I don't have time.

He also has since moved himself back into the house and refuses to leave. The judge said I couldn't force him out until the D was final.

I guess staying right now is easiest. Detached just waiting for him to move out again I guess.

I know he won't cheat again. I know he is disgusted with himself. I know he loves me.

He just can't give me back the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world his affair took from me.

[This message edited by crashnburn2172 at 9:08 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 487 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: crashnburn2172
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

Oh I didn't realise that the court could order MC.

I can understand how hurt you are.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
crashnburn2172
Member
Member # 31717
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, July 20th (Wednesday)

I heard the nitemares about it but I guess its standard procedure here. I've contemplated moving in with family for a year out of state to get it over faster but it is just one huge hassle. The best part is, he served ME, and now is contesting it.

I just don't get it. He cheats to have a SAHM and a family when he had it right here.

I thought my life was finally coming together right before his stunt in February :( now I'm going through a divorce I didn't want living in limboland with him in my face everyday. I know he means well, I just can't deal.


Posts: 487 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: crashnburn2172
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 21st (Thursday)

Yesterday would have been (was) my 40th wedding anniversary.

Thank God, it wasn't as bad as last year.

I managed to keep myself so busy running errands most of the day that I didn't have time to dwell on the "might have beens". Until the evening...then the doldrums set in.

Since we live pretty much separate lives here in limbo, the day went entirely unacknowledged by him. Not sure what he could have done or said to make any difference.

I guess it just hurts to know that I've lost so much and there is no one other than me to acknowledge my loss. It just hurts to know that I don't matter anymore.

Don't know what the point of posting is. I guess I just need to vent about how sucky it all is. Hopefully all this becomes less sad and painful in time.

Thanks for listening.


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 21st (Thursday)

((Milia))

You do matter.

And while it is okay to grieve what you have lost, it's important to look to the future to, to live every day.

Life's too short to do anything else.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, July 21st (Thursday)

Thanks for the support and kind words NEH...very much appreciated.

While on a rational level I get that I matter...sometimes it just doesn't feel like it...you know?

WH could care less, no real friends IRL, no job to go to (still looking), an only child, so no siblings to share with, parents gone, adult kids who frankly are ready for me to be over this, so can't really talk in depth to them. Woo hoo - all there is IRL is my IC, who while supportive and a good listener, doesn't really count. It's her job to be there.

Sometimes, as we all know, it just gets unbearable at times, and lo and behold, meltdown happens.

So, had my pity party, dried my tears and hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Hugs to every damn one of us going through this crap!


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
horseluvr
Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, July 22nd (Friday)


@Razor, what you said in the last paragraph of your post, is what I am so afraid of happening( i dont know how to paste other posters things on here )
I see that happening if I don't make a move and it scares the hell out of me.


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
horseluvr
Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 22nd (Friday)

@crash/burn Im so very sorry that you lost your baby. That is going to be difficult to get over as you already know..Hoping you have peace and joy again.

@milia..Your friends her at SI care. We are all in the same yucky boat, just different stories as to how we got here. I hope happiness is coming your way soon.


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
SabinatheOwl
Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, July 24th (Sunday)

Hi all! I copied part of Razor's post re: fascimile R into my journal a while ago. Below is what I saved. It isn't everything, but it's a portion of what was written:

FAX R by Razor

For me facsimile R is me staying in me M for allot of reasons other than love. Kids. Finances. And just huge complications and nastyness that goes with D keeps me where I am. WW has little R. Still blames me for her LTA. She still holds secret things she knows I want to know. But I honestly dont think she will take up a A again. Nor do I think she will contact OM again. I do actively keep tabs on her tho. No demands from me. No controlling. She is free to do as she chooses. But I will find out if she crosses a boundary and if she does then that will be the end. Until she crosses that boundary I stay in the M. And I must say that I am reasonable happy with my facsimile R and my facsimile M. How is that? The trick is to really get with the 180. I needed to move the importance of my M away from me, and move the importance of me self closer. Make the M number 2 or number 3, or 4 even. I have the M. Its there when I want it. But I dont plan me life around it. I have stopped defining me self in terms of the M or my WW. I let the M be there and get pleasure from it. But dont let the M become my only source of pleasure or even a major source of happiness. Instead I make the M ONE OF MANY sources of pleasure in my life. I have branched out. Found a new hobby. Went back to school. Started a new career. Learnt new things. Join a gym. Got fit. Started taking fitness classes. I have met new people. Enlarged my social circle. The more I made me self the most important person in my life, and the more I made the M less important, the happier I became. And the more successful and content I am with a facsimile R. My boys are grown men now and all are M. Oldest lives 1000 mile away so we only see him 2 or 3 time a year. The other 2 families we see at least a couple time a month. WW and I go out on dates. We do allot of stuff together. And our relationship is fine. WW just wants to bury her LTA. And for many years I struggled with that. To have TRUE R I needed the LTA to be dealt with and me and WW have allot of conflicts over that. Now that I have given up and settled with a facsimile R she has kinda gotten what she wanted. I have given up getting what I wanted as far as R and M goes. I gave up on that because the struggle just was tearing every thing apart. I gave up and just accepted that this is the way the M and R is going to be. A facsimile. In truth in all outward ways me and WW seem happy and content. And in fact WW may be happy. I dunno. And I dont care. For me realizing that I was never going to get what I wanted and struggling for what was impossible to attain just was creating more resistance and bad feelings. All that led to giving up and just accepting that this is what my M was going to be. And that led to a kind of contentment. For me this was the right answer. As I said. WW is NEVER going to get it. NEVER will she have empathy. NEVER will she have remorse other than for her self. AND for allot of complicated and interconnected reasons I need to stay in the M. So for me the facsimile was the best path to follow. If WW chooses to be with OM thats just fine with me. Hell. Ill help her pack and sincerely wish her many good days. But those good days will be far from me. Do I love WW. No. Not at all. Hell. I barely *like* her. She is fun and amusing to be with. We have a common history and she makes for good convo. If she leaves and the M ends it is not the end of my world. I will remain quite content because neither she nor the M are a prime focus of me life.

Hope this helps the discussion along!

P.S. Thanks for the kind words, GetEveninAZ!
~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 7:47 PM, July 24th (Sunday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Secondbestiguess
Member
Member # 30333
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, July 25th (Monday)

I'm here too. Not fun! He wants to just go back to the way things were, but it's not possible. Even though he's "NC" he still won't let her go.
I'm so sick of feeling like the outsider in my M, but not ready to let go yet.
(((hugs))) to everyone.



"The person who will be true to you is the one who doesn't need you to establish and enforce a set of rules for him/her to live by."

Posts: 474 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: NW Minnesota
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 26th (Tuesday)

Just re-read Fax R by Razor that Sabina re-posted for us.
I remember it from the first time it was posted.

All I can say is I wish I were as strong as Razor.

The longer this goes on without WH giving me what I need is like he is telling me that I am a POS whose feelings and needs do not matter.
How can you ignore that? That is one huge elephant in every room in the house.

I haven't yet figured out how to just ignore it. I'm not even sure it is even possible.

Kudos to Razor though, I want to be like him when I grow up!

Hugs to all.


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
sadyettrying
Member
Member # 28008
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, July 26th (Tuesday)

I'm another in limbo - thank you for this thread! It has been over 16 months since DDay. H's affair was many, many years ago, but I only found out last year. H has done most everything I would want, but yet I am stuck and have no idea how to get unstuck.
Once my youngest heads back to college in the fall, I am hoping to be off by myself for awhile to perhaps clear my head. My head has been anything but clear for so long now...

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2010
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 4th (Thursday)

Hi! Can I join this thread?


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, August 5th (Friday)

Of course you can SD.

I was so looking forward to this thread, having an official place.

Then I got into a bad place in my head. Why am I not further? My head knows the path to healing, my heart won't follow.

But I talked to my IC yesterday. She brought it into perspective, literally. "Put it into perspective. In 38 years, you've not been allowed to express your feelings and still feel safe. You have stuffed them, not processed them. You won't arrive at it in the matter of a year of really starting to do it. Especially if you still can't communicate with your H."

So, I work on myself and I wait. And I hope the gears that are starting to move in MrH's life.

And I hope I can begin to accept limbo can be a good place. As long as I'm moving forward somehow. Even if it's slower than I would like. :/


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11280 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
nofun
Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, August 5th (Friday)

Hi Everyone:

I read Razor's post. I am where Razor is. Right now it's the best place for me. Maybe next year will be different. I just don't feel strong enough to leave the M yet and maybe I never will. Who knows!

So Limbo Land it is!

Hugs to everyone


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 988 | Registered: Jun 2009
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 5th (Friday)

Thank you.

I feel that I'm in limbo because there's 5% of me that wants to stay in hopes that he'll finally see that his new "changes" are not actually for the better and will do the work needed. But the rest of me, the 95% says that it won't happen and start preparing for the end.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
abullhaulerswife
New Member
Member # 33043
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 8th (Monday)

Feel like I am in major Limbo, can not decide which way to go.
H had an EA, which I thought ended in Oct. 10. After 8 months of what I thought was us working on R, I found out that it was all false. He was still trying to stay in contact with OW, even though it was on and off. I demanded that he take steps to ensure no contact if he was to stay and only to stay if that was what he wanted. He says he wants to stay, but is defensive and makes excuses as to why he doesnt need to do the things to ensure no contact. Instead of being willing to do anything to make this work, he verifies and cements my doubts. I dont feel that he is remorseful or caring about me, yet I want to stay married. But I dont want this kind of marriage. I want a committment, which he doesnt understand, and I want him to show some willingness to work on this and my heartache. I want reassurances not to have him blow up and throw well I can contact her anytime I want to no matter what you ask me to do. So I am very much in Limbo, dont know what to do. Think he is still in a fog.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Kansas
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 8th (Monday)

A question for all that I'm working on answering:

What can *you* do to get out of limbo?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11280 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
danni
Member
Member # 30257
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, August 8th (Monday)

Hi everyone count me in.

Nail on the head crashandburn

He just can't give me back the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world his affair took from me.

My WH is doing most everything right. But I just can not commit to my M or him.

Our MC had us write letter to each other. I was to write what I needed to commit he is doing almost everything I have asked. WH was to just write about his feelings for me our life and marriage. It was a letter that any BS would love to get but...nothing.

If this is limbo count me in.

WH bought new wedding rings while we were in Mexico on vacation that was 6 months ago. I took mine out of the box the other day and put it on felt strange and heavy. I put it back in the box.


Holly-Isis
I will be watching for everyones ideas of how to get out of limbo!!

[This message edited by danni at 2:35 PM, August 8th (Monday)]


Danni 47 BS
him WS 47
Married 28+
3 children 21,22,26
1st D-day I was 8mths preg with last child
2nd D-day 4/13/2010
2OW same time frame

R'ing ?? yes, no, maybe, I dont know

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
linkin park


Posts: 328 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: massachusetts
Crazy Daze
Member
Member # 31843
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, August 10th (Wednesday)

Well, I'm ready to get out of limbo.

IC/MC pushed me to take a stance so I informed WS that I would be taking legal action as I would rather be alone than in a marriage of three.

WS then went on a business trip, did a lot of soul searching and was finally able to end it with OW.

So my requiremnts for R are in process of being met....

1. I need WS to give up OW!
Check!

2. I need WS to be open and honest with complete transparency.
So far so good!

3. I need WS to be remorseful.
Extremely!

4. I need WS to be in IC & MC.
Check!

5. I need proof that WS is giving 100% to R.
In progress.

Oh, I know it's early days
but at least we are on the same page.

I'm not ready for him to move back yet but I much rather be working on rebuilding our M than working toward ending it.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2011
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, August 10th (Wednesday)

What can *you* do to get out of limbo?

For me, it would be to get a job. Once I feel that I can be independent from him then I know I'll get my confidence back. I used to be a really strong person and I don't like who I've become now. Which is part of my stress levels.

A few things happened yesterday that made me wonder, which then lead to have nightmare that my husband signed up on another dating site. I hate this crap.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, August 10th (Wednesday)

Well I am glad to see that I am in good company here in Limbo Land.

I have a remorseful spouse who is actively working on fixing himself and doing what he needs to do.

Right now, I don't really care.

I am sitting here waiting to give myself permission to admit to myself that the A was a deal breaker and that I won't be failure if I D.

Finances are a big contributor. I have grown very accustomed to my way of life and right now I am not interested in leaving it.

So I sit in limbo putting off the inevitable.

Getting used to the idea that all the changes that have been made, all the remorse, all the stuff that a BS wants may just be too little too late.

We are just FWB, married on paper, going through the motions, at least I am, him he's grasping at whatever he can get.

I tell him I love him and miss him because he says it, I don't feel it.

I'm driving myself crazy with this.

Mods: Thank you for this thread BTW


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5482 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
brokenpromise
Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 11th (Thursday)

Count me in here too. Spouse shows remorse and wants to move forward and 'forget' the past. Funny thing is that he has forgotten so much of it already

And, to be truthful myself....Bottom line...I just don't trust him because of his memory lapses. I consider the WS amenesia just a passive means of betrayal.

Anyways...here I am...in limbo

BP


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jun 2010
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 11th (Thursday)

Hello to all the new names I see on this thread.

@Holly-Isis...good question re: how to get out of limbo.
I sure wish I had a good answer.

I have been thinking more and more about D lately, but damn I really don't want to lose all my animals (and I would since I can't support them)...hell without work I can't even support myself.

I have been looking for a few weeks shy of one year. I'm fairly convinced no one is going to hire me, but I keep plugging away, but it's damn depressing.

I have done everything right, worked on me, lost weight to feel and look a bit better, took some college courses to prepare for going back to work, IC for myself...why isn't any of this stuff working? Why don't I feel better? Two years anti coming up Sept. 1st. Maybe that is why I am in such an emotional funk. Not the basket case I was a year ago, but still a bit of a mess.

The real bitch about this is that if I remain distant from WH, then he backs off completely. If I remain at least friendly...then he is friendly. I don't want to be nice to him. I don't care about conversation or watching
tv with him or cooking his dinner, etc. but for now it seems as if this is a mask I must wear to make all this bearable. I hate it because the pretending is like wearing a false mask which makes me feel emotionally unhealthy. Damn, damn and damn.

Sorry for the vent. I will most likely get worse as 9-1 gets closer...who knows?

(((hugs to all)))


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
HereIAmAgain22
New Member
Member # 32987
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, August 12th (Friday)

I guess I get to be in the club, too! After (partial)DDay#3 it's apparent that despite the work my wife never really did get the remorseful thing. She got honest - for awhile - but that went away again about a year go. Now it's called SA and it's two weeks old. She can't tell me the whole truth (par for the SA course) and can't do anything to work on our marriage (par for the SA course) and it will take months at least for her to unravel herself and get healthy (also par). 5 young kids and we've semi-separated. I don't want a D I didn't have all these kids to just decimate a family. So I will wait this out in LIMBO Land again. It's hard to play Limbo when you're back is broken. Sorry so many of us are in similar places. That all being said I am doing pretty good at taking care of myself so I'm hopeful Limbo will reach some sort of equilibrium. Then again how can you reach an equilibrium playing Limbo LOL?


ME BS Male - 47
WS - 42
5 kids ages 4-16
3 D-Days
God help us.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: USA
sootired
Member
Member # 22952
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, August 12th (Friday)

I am so glad this forum exists. Reading the posts touched me pretty deeply. The thoughts and feelings many of you have are just what I feel all the time. Why am I still hanging on when nothing really ever gets much better, just more numb?

I think the worst part of limbo is the times I have met someone that I think is nice and I have to wonder, what if?? But I have to back off or risk becoming what she is.

Maybe I need to increase my Zoloft


Me 42 BH
Her 35 WW-15 month EA followed by ONS(so she says) with another
seem to be in full R (i hope)
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 realize it was False R all along
2011 cautiously in R

Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow


Posts: 385 | Registered: Feb 2009
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 12th (Friday)

I think that the worst part of limbo is that everything just gets ignored.

Meanwhile our emotional needs, which are many due to the destruction visited upon us, go unmet.

Limboland is a painful place to be since there is no getting away from it...there it is staring you in the face 24/7.

(((hugs to all)))


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 13th (Saturday)

Well, weekends always suck for me. Simply, because he's home. I know someone at some point is going to get yelled at so my emotions are tripled.

I usually sleep my weekends away, but then, of course I miss out on time with my kids.

Right now, he's out of the house with our son. So now I'm worried that he's going to get yelled at for something or he's not going to be allowed to do something. Good luck to our son.

This morning I was the one to get yelled at. It was over something really silly. I didn't make a noise, sigh, shrug anything and he jumped all over me. Great Day!


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, August 13th (Saturday)

I'm in. I have been lurking for the last 6 months or so because I feel like I can't really post what is going on with me without getting 2x4s.

Basically, false R for three years, with WH pretending he wants to save our marriage while doing everything he can to tear it down, short of fucking other women (he claims he's not doing that)

He's been in IC the whole time, and has become a complete asshole, self centered prick.

I'm in IC, on meds, etc.

WE OWN A BUSINESS TOGETHER.I WORK THERE. MY ENTIRE LIFE IS ENTANGLED IN HIS. MY CAREER, MY FRIENDS, MY COMMUNITY, MY HOBBIES, ETC.

It sucks.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
lost kiki
Member
Member # 29769
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 15th (Monday)

I belong here too.
It's been a year.. He is remorseful.. But i just don't give a damn..
Taking my youngest to College in days and still can not figure out why i'm still Married..

So tired of the pain.. Too afraid of the unknown..
We were high School sweethearts.. He is all i have ever known...

So now i'm just stuck.......


Me=BS

DDAY I (Married Whore) 8/8/2010
TT 8/28/2010
DDAY II (23yo) 9/23/2012
TT 9/26/2012


NC 9/3/2010 After she and I spoke for 2 hrs..GRRRRRR!!!!
NC with #2 9/24/12
Struggling thru with my Head Held High..
I'm moving slow but I a


Posts: 154 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Illinois
imagrownup
Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 15th (Monday)

I am stuck as well. He was my high school sweet heart- he is all I have known. He is trying everyhting he can- I just don't know who he is anymore - I don't think I will ever trust him- I am fence sitting because it is too hard to get up and leave. I am getting stronger tho and the more I think about it the more compelling it is to just go away with out him and never be afraid of what this man that I thought was an angel, who is really a lieing manupulative narcissist will do to me.


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 185 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
brokenpromise
Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 15th (Monday)

I hear you...I hear you all.

I am not sure what it would take to get me out of limbo... Took a whole lot just to get me here in Limbo ...a whole year and then some after DD. I think I need to hunker down here a while... Get my bearings...learn to breathe again.

BP


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jun 2010
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, August 15th (Monday)

I'm here in limbo and have been for quite some time.. (years)...

When dday happened I moved out within the week and have enjoyed just working, traveling and hanging out with my friends...

When I uncovered all the deceit and lies months after Dday I pretty much lost any of that lovin' feeling... Honestly I really don't "feel" anything anymore...

Sure, I've met interesting women and went on a few dates years ago but I really would rather just do my own thing...

I really feel like when all the shit went down with the ex my depth of feelings got as shallow as a puddle... I really have no idea what "deep" feelings are anymore....

I've been in the same place now for 3 1/2 years and I'm thinking about making a big move next March... Believe it or not... I'm thinking about moving to the Pacific coast of Costa Rica... I've never done anything that drastic before but I've got to get busy living...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 6001 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
icbtih8
Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 16th (Tuesday)

(((wb)))

If feasible for you, I would do it. Change might do you good.


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, August 16th (Tuesday)

Wow, a move like that would be amazing. A whole new you and a whole new life.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Lost42
Member
Member # 29641
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 16th (Tuesday)

In Limbo as well. One year anniversary of DDay is this Thursday. We have both been in intensive IC, and intensive MC. But WW just doesn't know what she wants yet (and is learning in IC to be "comfortable" with not knowing).

Finally said in MC that that confusion may be fine for WW, but it is making me miserable. My anger grows and grows with each week, and at this point we are doing fundamental damage to whatever friendship and co-parenting relationship we would want to have after a separation.

I am getting very close to separation. I can't believe she has done this to our family. But oh well.


Me (BH) 42
Her (WW) 42
DDay -- August 2010
Married 15 years, 3 young children

Posts: 182 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Southeast US
brokenpromise
Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, August 17th (Wednesday)

WB....I have heard the most wonderful things about Costa Rica...a good place to spend some retirement years....surf...just enjoy.

I hope you go WB... I can smell the salty ocean and feel the warm breezes... Go WB...

: ). BP

[This message edited by brokenpromise at 2:15 PM, August 17th (Wednesday)]


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jun 2010
lostcause111
Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 18th (Thursday)

My attitude has changed now that I have embraced limbo.

My wives LTA and actions after reveal she is mentally sick and that her heart is not with me.

The loneliness used to kill me but now it is better for me. No emmotional sharing no new hurts.

I am nice and polite with my so called wife but do whatever I want and dont really care how she feels about it.

How stupid was I to let a mental issue cheater guide my life?

I only answer to myself now and it feels great.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, August 18th (Thursday)

I am joining the limbo group. WH & I have hardly spoken the past three days.

I guess I am also doing 180. I go to work, interact with kids, do what needs to be done around the house (all cooking, cleaning & laundry w/help from kids-teens)

I do not sit & watch tv with
WH, I answer questions politely but do not initiate conversations.

WH acts like everything is fine. I did have a strange feeling that this is how he was for part of his A. Then I remind myself that I cannot control him, if he wants to cheat again he will.

I have also been sleeping in another room. I have actually gotten better nights sleep in the other room.

I am looking for a different job, have started back on hobbies that I left to the wayside the past 2 yrs. & I am again reading books that don't have infidelity or healing or affair in the title.

I know I will be okay no matter how this ends up (it's a toss-up R or D right now)

I have relayed my dealbreakers to WH, along with what I need from him. If I had the $ I would be gone with the kids right now as I do not think WH has the will/desire to do the hard work of R.

So I am in limbo, I try to keep busy & take care of me & the kids.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
Onefoot
Member
Member # 22249
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, August 19th (Friday)

Post DDay three and a half years.
Intensive MC for 18mos. IC for me-all the time WH hoping he could figure out a way to leave without being the bad guy.

Finally said he was done with MC, pressure and people telling him what to do.

Wanted to just play with his buddies. I got to continue being the live in housekeeper, but now without any attempt at conversation, activities together or anything other than I feed his face, wash his clothes and scrub his toilet.

After 4 mos. of that I suggested he leave. He agreed - to "work " on himself. He's been gone a year and a half.

"Work" on himself resulted in play and I took care of bills (after he quit paying) and repairs and children.

I faced breast cancer and my daughter's rape alone - no contact or help from him or his family.

I returned to school and volunteer in my field of interest.

I still ride an emotional roller coaster and realize more and more that I married a boy who never grew up and just wants to play, avoid responsibility, conflict or decisions.

Hence, no legal separation, divorce or reconciliation.

OW married and deflated WH's hopes of a fantasy existence with her, but this gives him no reason to return to or work on his marriage.

I believe the A was an exit A and so, OW or not, he does not want to be with me.

He is fine with the arrangement and living a red-neck existance with no one requiring civility or personal hygiene from him.

He gets invited by our friends to outings and recreation. I am left out.

At this point I am feeling like I am being punished for HIS adultery.

[This message edited by Onefoot at 2:15 AM, August 19th (Friday)]


BS - me 64
WS - him 63
Married 1977 - 37 years
2 DDs - 30, 23
DDay March 30, 2008
EA - 2 1/2 years, PA 4 months
OW - 25 years younger, lived as "daughter" with us at husband's request, then he pursued her as lover
NC - Jan 2008, S

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: California
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Frustrated  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 19th (Friday)

...crap...

Went to sleep last night in other room. Was 2 hours into a deep sleep when WH woke me with a hard poke to my arm. I was in a daze when he said to me in a nasty tone "If you continue to sleep in here we're done"

Then he stomped off to our bedroom. Mind you the kids had friends sleeping over, down in the family room.

Before I had my wits & self-control about me (I was doing so well for 3 days *crap*) I launched into a tirade about how rude that was, how he could have approached me differently. Why he didn't say something to the effect that he wanted me to sleep in our room with him. To this he said 'why should I state the obvious?' I told him it was not obvious to me.

crap, crap, crap...this is how he acted in the A.

And I played(reacted) right into it, we ended up having a big (relatively quiet) blow-out. WH knocked over a lit candle, a can of soda. I packed some clothes for him & took bag & loose clothes out to his truck. Told him to get the fuck out...I cannot R alone. WH took clothes out of my closet & his dresser & threw them about the room, tipped over a dresser. I used a flashlight to put my clothes back & upright the dresser as he would not let me keep the light on. Lots of nasty words both ways.

This morning, not a word spoken between us before WH went to work...now what?

I logged onto WH's laptop...DS20 walked into the room & asked why I was on the laptop-was I checking up on dad? (they know about the A) I said I want to check some stuff. Nothing there that I could see.

I am tired, soul weary. Gotta work 2nd shift today & turn around & work early tomorrow.

Thanks for listening. AH


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 19th (Friday)

I am in limbo also,
2 yrs into this affair and I have dealt with it in my face. Things seem to be ending but you never truly know. The texting has mainly stopped, it was 24/7, his going out has slowed WAY down and he is more attentive to me. However, I really dont bring it up. He seems to be seeing ow for what she is as i have listened to him talk about her and how he will never leave me for her and she knows this and it pisses her off. She is on depression meds cause of him and he feels she will kill herself (she is all about drama). So here we sit in limbo. I dont know what is going on with us or them. It is all nuts.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2886 | Registered: Aug 2011
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday)

Just giving everyone here in limbo land a (((hug))) today.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, August 26th (Friday)

I would love to move away, too. But I don't want to lose any of the financial security I've earned and I'm entitled to.

I also have family obligations, an elderly mom and a young grandchild who I need to be here for.

I've decided to look into going away on my own for a month. I am going to go someplace where it is warm and I won't need a car. I don't know what "excuse" I'll give to everyone I know, since they think I'm happily married, but I'm working on that.

Perhaps after one month away, I can think about two months the next year and so on and so forth.

For me being in limbo means being reactive as opposed to proactive and I'm not (or wasn't) as reactive person before his affair.

If you met me and didn't know anything about me, you would think I have a very active, lively, fulfilled life. And I really do--but the void of losing my marriage is very large inside of me. On the bright side, it doesn't show.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Jul 2002
starlightsky
Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 26th (Friday)

i am soo glad to find a spot that someone can relate to this topic. i feel in limbo bc we are in limbo i believe. dday for me was oct.2010 and the second was april 2010. when her husband was informed about their A, he all of a sudden didnt know what he wanted. so bc of all the arguing we decided to seperate. which was only suppose to be for a few days, but its been 3 months. at first he didnt want to continue counsling so i gave him a deadline for july 1 to either commit to R or get his belongings and leave. he chose counseling. sounds good huh? but unfortunately he hasnt put 100% effort like i have stated. he goeas to counseling, and doesnt say much, still on the fence so the counselor wants us to do half sessions of IC then 20 min in the end together as a couple. she said she will give him a month to decide to stay or go (since i was given a month of IC when he chose not to go @ the time) to make a decision bc she said one must be made in order to move forward whether its to end the relationship or full R. its crazy he doesnt even contact me at all unless i contact him first. so ive only been contacting him for financial reasons. the children are not his biologically, but he has raised them for the past 7 years we have been together going on 8 years. he will come by and bring money for anything i need but hurrys off soon after like he is avoiding any conversation with us alone. he says he loves me & wants to b with me but doesnt even talk to me unless its in counseling. even then he doesnt say much. he hasnt even tried to contact the children. in counseling he says he is going bc he wants to and just is nervous to be having to face what he has been trying to avoid for the past few months but knows it has to be done to find an answer if we can R. thats funny bc he doesnt even try. just gives me money and seeis me in counseling once a week for an hour. i think he may still be with the OW but not sure. I know she is still with her husband and quit her job after the A was outed to her husband, but maybe they are underground i dont know. he claims its over but they all say that. im confused. i started doing the 180 to some extent bc i found out im ill. he knows and still hasnt tried to be there. so tomorrow when we goto counseling i am going to ask questions he is avoiding. not say much just ask him so he can talk bc then he steers it to me & i end up running the convo. so i am gonna make it to where i ask & he talks. i will also let him know after the month if he hasnt decided ( along with some rules and boundaries to follow on communication & other areas)i will & it will be to end the relationship. He is currently staying with his parents.his mom has never been too fond of me bc he was single with no kids & geting his BA, while i was divorced with 2 kids. his dad loves me though, so i can imagine his mom is encouraging him to stay single. i know if she found out he was giving me $ and going to counseling, she would be angry. but he needs to be a man & do what is best for us. anyone have any advice or suggestions please?

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
colezmom1221
Member
Member # 28981
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, August 31st (Wednesday)

So, my IC suggested the book, How can I forgive you? The courage to forgive, the freedom not to by Janis Abrahms Spring.

I am hoping it will help me off this stupid fence. I am so torn as to what to do right now. There are days where I want to continue with R. And then there are days, more-so lately, that I just want to end it all. In fact, I last posted in the General forum that I was sick of it all, I was done and I was moving to the D/S forum.

Well, I haven't had the courage to post in the D/S forum yet. So, I'm still here.

Has anyone here read the above book? Was it helpful? Just wondering if it's even worth my time.

-cm


me BS
D-Day 7/7/2010

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MO
SoLost&Confused
Member
Member # 31092
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, September 1st (Thursday)

I just found this thread - what a great idea! Count me in the population of Limboland, too.

I wanted to R, still do, really, but I need things I'm just not getting from my H. I thought I had that most basic and essential of requirements to R - that he wants to be with me. Well, it turns out that's not true - he's trying to want to be with me. WTF does that mean, anyway?! It's been 6 months that I've been living life under false pretences, so I currently feel like that's another 6 months of my life that he basically stole from me. Add that to the time of his A, and I'm at just about a year. Awesome.

I had been fully all-in on R. I was trusting, loving, making myself vulnerable, working to help him open up, working to help him work to process and feel like he can trust himself again, giving, supportive, eager to look at both why and how his A happened and to look deeply into our relationship to strengthen it. And, I was hopeful. Even though I wasn't feeling from him all that I wanted and needed, I was hopeful. We were on a path we both wanted to be on, I thought. We both wanted to be with each other, I thought. I could be patient as long as we were making some progress; I understand that it takes time. Yet to learn now that he's only trying to want to be with me... Well, that blows it all out of the water.

I also don't really see him actively "trying." I think he's just sort of waiting around, looking for something to just happen to him and suddenly he'll want to be with me. Guess what? It doesn't work that way! I think he likes everything about our life together except that I'm the one he has to share it with, so he wants to try to want me. Everything else is just so convenient and comfortable for him. If only he didn't have this lame wife.

I'm having a little pity party for myself, but mostly I'm just royally pissed off. If we didn't have young children whose lives I want to protect as much as possible, I'd be gone (or would have kicked him out) already. (I found out, through finally making him answer my questions rather than letting him sort of answer and skillfully avoid the real question, or his real feelings about things, about the "try to want" aspect of things two days ago). We do have young kids, I'm currently financially dependent on him (though not forever - maternity leave), I love our home, and so does the child who's old enough to know if we didn't live here anymore, so it's more complicated. I want to be with him, but I don't NEED to be with him, not if he doesn't want me. If he's only trying to want me, and not even really trying, I don't think I can stand that. So, I need to figure out what I want to do next. I'm thinking about trying the 180 (I haven't, thus far), but I'm a little hesitant. He's so passive right now that he might welcome not having to interact with me. Though I do have to say that over the past few days (since I found out) I've been more distant, less supportive (not asking about his day, responding minimally when he tells me about things), and he's been trying to reach out a bit more.

I wish he would get himself into IC and actually look at himself and the affair. He won't because "I can't find the time," and "it just takes so much emotional energy.". I'm so sick and tired of all his excuses. If he doesn't wake up and start to actually work to face things, he's going to lose what he has before he's actually done any work to figure out what he wants.

So, for now, I'm in limbo. If he doesn't start making some real changes pretty quickly, I think I'm out, I'm done. If he does make some significant changes, especially like starting to go to IC, then I'm willing to work more again. So, the ball is still in his court, but only briefly.

This all sucks. Hugs to all of you here.


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (36)
2 young kids

Posts: 161 | Registered: Feb 2011
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, September 1st (Thursday)

I am struggling with acceptance of limbo. I know I will not initiate a divorce. I really miss being "married."

My question for those of you in limbo who have accepted it, how do you deal with the loss of the marriage. I really miss having someone to share my life with.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Jul 2002
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, September 6th (Tuesday)

I don't have time to read and catch up.

I hope each of you is finding peace.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 5:24 AM, September 7th (Wednesday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11280 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Going To Make It
Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, September 15th (Thursday)

I just wanted to pop in and give everyone a hug that's living in limbo.

It sucks all the way around.

Anyone else having a hard time making simple choices?

This limbo is now seeping into the rest of my exsistence and I don't know how to reverse course so to speak.

I'm terrified of making the wrong choice as I have so clearly done int he past. It isn't related to DH, just choices I need to make to earn a living.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
2BFulfilled
Member
Member # 12214
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, September 15th (Thursday)

I am sorry, I d/n see the "BS only" part.

[This message edited by 2BFulfilled at 11:00 PM, September 15th (Thursday)]


Me: FWW 41 Him: BH 47 Dday: 9/06 3 children. Married 22 yrs. "It doesn't matter how beautiful you are, how rich you are, what your job is or how you were raised. Infidelity is an equal opportunity offender." - HeavyE

Posts: 1679 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Central Texas
SickInMySoul
Member
Member # 19945
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, September 17th (Saturday)

Oh My Goodness!!! Finally...a place for me! I never post, or ask for (much needed) advice, because I don't want to risk scaring a single newbie out there. I know how much I needed hope at the beginning. I have been hoping for quite a long time for a limbo kinda section. :)

Now off to start at the beginning and catch up!


BS (me) 44
WS 51
two amazing girls 22 & 23
one year PA with a 22 yr old "friend" of ours.
Dday 4-7-08
Looking forward to being one of the R success stories!

5-09**seriously wondering if I can get past this...
9-10**still struggling..


Posts: 216 | Registered: Jun 2008
AnnaMaria
Member
Member # 24900
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, September 19th (Monday)

I heard someone mention the 'limbo' forum in a different forum and instantly realized that this is the place for me.

My WH and I have been in pseudo-R for the last 28 months. I thought we were in R, which to me means that we both wanted to be in this marriage and were just trying to figure out how to do that. But the words "want", "try", etc. permeated his speech. Turns out he is still trying to figure out if he wants to be here. It also turns out that he still has feelings for the OW. I doubt those two things are a coincidence.

So we're not really in R. We are in MC but I'm not sure what the point of it is, since my WH can't commit to me or to our M. Because he can't commit, then I can't either. He has to go first. After everything that has happened, he has to go first.

So I am in limbo. We sleep in the same bed, naked and wrapped around each other much of the time. We have sex. We live. But it's a day-to-day existence, one without true love or commitment, and I honestly don't know how much longer I can do it.

Why am I here? For the same reason I suspect most of us are. My DD is going to college soon and if we were to separate then we couldn't afford to send her. And I don't really want a D. I want a true marriage with the person I'm married to. I'm not ready to start my life over. Dammit, it's just not fair that I have to even be thinking about that.

The thing is, I don't know if I can accept this half-alive existence. My WH says that he doesn't want to live a life of 'quiet desperation' anymore. I agree. The thing is, I'm willing to make the commitment and do the work to change things. He isn't. And so -- limbo.


Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced. - James Baldwin
DDay - 05/30/09

Posts: 442 | Registered: Jul 2009
insecure
New Member
Member # 26851
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, September 19th (Monday)

I hate being in limbo. WH tells me A is over, but yet everytime I turn around OW is there in our lives. I was happier when WH was out of our home and living with OW. He is back, since end of July, and still she keeps popping up. I feel like the backup plan for when she throws his butt out. I am tired, angry, hurt, on the verge of depression. We now live on the main road, since Aug, and everytime her car is at MY HOUSE I am notified by someone. I just don't know what to do anymore. Everytime I stupidly try to R, she is thrown in my face.


“Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.”
― Henry Rollins

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2009
Going To Make It
Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, September 19th (Monday)

Insecure, i'm so sorry. I wish you strength to do whatever you decide.

GTMI


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, September 19th (Monday)

My question for those of you in limbo who have accepted it, how do you deal with the loss of the marriage. I really miss having someone to share my life with

I miss the intimacy, (all aspects of it).

Most of the time I just get on with things as best as I can, but I still have down days.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
SoLost&Confused
Member
Member # 31092
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 21st (Wednesday)

AnnaMaria - you said it. That's exactly how I feel.

I have no idea where to go from here. I don't want to end our marriage - there's a lot of good there, and a lot of potential to be great, IMHO, but H needs to decide to commit, step up to the plate, and do the work. He's not, and has the added bonus of being very resistant to ideas that don't originate from him. So, any pushing I do is likely to push him even farther away from committing, yet I have to push in some ways because he won't do it himself. Argh!!! This would be so much easier if I didn't believe so much in our potential and want so much to have an intact family. I feel like I'm waiting for him to wake up and realize what he almost lost, but I'm starting to wonder if he ever will, or if he will before this limbo has caused me more pain than I can handle in the interim. I guess it remains to be seen.


Me: BW (33)
Him: WH (36)
2 young kids

Posts: 161 | Registered: Feb 2011
crickett
New Member
Member # 33393
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, September 23rd (Friday)

I am in limbo I want to save our marriage and I have no idea what WH is doing anymore.

He is in lta at the OW place and his behavior is odd

I feel like I am living a broken record


me 55
WH 57
We have two grown children


Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2011
feeling bi polar
Member
Member # 31086
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, September 23rd (Friday)

((((everyone)))) I too am a resident in limboland. Some days I think things are salvageable and then there are other times when triggers happen and I revert to feeling angry and hurt. Sorry that we have all been relocated to this limboland hell.


In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life — It goes on. —Robert Frost

Posts: 196 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: VA
Going To Make It
Member
Member # 17010
Happy  Posted: 3:24 PM, September 25th (Sunday)

Another day of TT finally got the truth about his motorcycle. He didnt want to tell me cuz he knew I would never ride behind him again. He gave my place to her

I told him Im done giving a shit about. Nothing I gave him is/was sacred

[This message edited by Going To Make It at 3:29 PM, September 25th (Sunday)]


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
mentallyabused
Member
Member # 33439
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, September 29th (Thursday)

I too live in limbo.. I wish I had the magic ball to see what my future is and stop worrying now about what I need to do..!


WH - 30s
BS (me) 30s
DDay#1 - Nov 2009 EA
DDay#2 - Sept 2011 same OW (EA, denies PA but booked a hotel room for God knows what!)
What doesn't kill me right away, kills me slowly..
Status - in R for kids

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2011
SickInMySoul
Member
Member # 19945
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, October 1st (Saturday)

Feeling very Limbo-y tonight and a little blue, so I thought I would pop by and just say I am thinking about all of you that are in the same spot...and praying for us all.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.


BS (me) 44
WS 51
two amazing girls 22 & 23
one year PA with a 22 yr old "friend" of ours.
Dday 4-7-08
Looking forward to being one of the R success stories!

5-09**seriously wondering if I can get past this...
9-10**still struggling..


Posts: 216 | Registered: Jun 2008
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, October 1st (Saturday)

oh, yes, living in Limbo...

it sucks. I'm tired. I'm weak. I feel pathetic. I hate this!

WH says he is leaning more towards D, but he hasn't made any final decisions yet.. and so I stay, hoping that the strange delusional man who is sleeping next to me every night will change back into the loving husband I have known for 20 years.

I can't go on like this forever.. I see some posters who've been doing this for years and I just don't get it. I will end up in a psych ward soon if things don't change one way or the other.

And I don't want to make the decision to D. That would be WAAAY too easy on WH. I've told him as much, too. I refuse to pull the trigger and be the parent who ruined our kids' lives. Won't do it.

I sometimes think he wishes I would... and then other times I see glimpses of *my* H again. I am losing ME in this process and its killing me to see him carry on as if all is well. I don't get it.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
rejectedluv
Member
Member # 33495
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, October 1st (Saturday)

Crazy Daze, you could have written my story. DDay has only been since 9-9-11, but I am waiting as he is on the fence. We are in MC, but not sure if he is really putting forth an effort or when I will truly see an effort. The Love Dare a book was given to us by our counselor and we are starting it....only on day 3 and so far, it seems I am the one trying. He says I am trying too hard...really isn't that what you do to save your marriage and make it better. He thinks it's going to be this long drawn out affair and he isn't ready to touch me (hug and cuddle) but I wasn't the WS EA or PA (he is denying PA) and I am willing to touch him, so what gives-guilty mind I guess. So, hang in there the best you can.


all is well

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2011
colezmom1221
Member
Member # 28981
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, October 5th (Wednesday)

Hey all from my little corner of limboland!

I've actually had a few days in a row of not feeling so lost in all this muck.

WH has switched back to working days so now I see him more. I wasn't sure if this was going to be a good thing since he seems to be one of my constant triggers I guess only time will tell.

Just wanted to pop in and see how everyone else is doing.

-cm


me BS
D-Day 7/7/2010

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: MO
Feb 8, 2011
Member
Member # 31137
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, October 5th (Wednesday)

Lost42

In Limbo as well. But WW just doesn't know what she wants yet (and is learning in IC to be "comfortable" with not knowing).
....confusion may be fine for WW, but it is making me miserable. My anger grows and grows with each week, and at this point we are doing fundamental damage to whatever friendship and co-parenting relationship we would want to have after a separation.

I am getting very close to separation. I can't believe she has done this to our family. But oh well.


Hi Lost42, I am Lost45. Everything in your quotation resonates with me... I too, can not believe that she has done this to our family.

I think that the reasons I am in limbo are>>>>

50% Financial
25% Children - not wanting to uproot our three kids, shatter their sense of security, tear them away from their friends (can't see any way either of us could keep the house) - and have to face days where I don't get to see them
15% Inertia
10% Clinging to hope that we can R and have a real relationship again

My WW's A is over. She has been ostracized from an entire group (thrown under the bus by OM after I told his wife). The loss of "friends" (were they really her friends, if they "dumped" her so easily for their buddy?) has caused her more pain and anger than the end of the A imo. It has also caused a huge wedge between us, as she believes I told OBS for revenge and spite, and not to prevent the A from continuing, or for my own conscience.


And now? Well it seems exactly the same as a year ago (when she was on a slippery slope, and the A was about to start), except she has found new friends to ride with, and they apparently know our situation.



D-Day see username
and maybe March 11, 11
ME: 45 yr old BH
Her: 40 yr old WW
3 kids
married 11 years
Who is this woman in my house?!

Posts: 717 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: canada
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 5th (Wednesday)

Another thread for me to be in. My FWH and I both though that we wanted to R. He went to MC but missed alot of appointments(due to work) one time he was to sick to go but he spent over two hours doing the lawn.

It's been rough because he is not an overly affectinate person or real open with feelings. He shared so much more with her than he ever has me.

He still says he wants to stay M but I feel like I am losing the desire for that. It's just real hard to walk away from someone who has been in your life 25 years.

Am I undecided because I always said cheating was a deal breaker. Afraid of the unknown? Do I still have hope?

Limbo really sucks. I have been doing more research about divorce than affairs recently. The A already happend.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
BMC0415
Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, October 6th (Thursday)

Here I am as well. My d-day was 4 1/2 years ago and we really tried to make things work. Even took custody of the OC and his sisters, but ultimately things have not worked out.

My h has been living in his own apt. 30 miles away since Aug. 2010. His former habits caught up with him and he could no longer live at the house. What is keeping us apart now is that I did not move with him. Oh and I took away his manhood when we were trying to R, by looking at his phone, questioning his whereabouts and embrassing him in front of his little friends! He expects our older children to move out on their own and me and him and the OC to live together. First of all I would not have been able to handle taking the OC in my home if not for my kids, they have helped in every aspect you can think of! Secondly, my oldest 22 yr. DD is a student a 2 colleges and works part-time and just had a baby, my 21 yr. ds is a student, works part-time and has an 18 month old, and has ADD. My 19 yr. dd just graduated from Cosmetology school and is not fully employed yet. Even if they all moved in together, they would not be able to make it on their own.

My h does not understand that. He was on his own at 17 and thinks everyone should be that way. When my kids are ready to live on their own, they will. Anyways he feels that I picked the children over him! And I told him that I did not want to move down there to the "hood" with him when the family can stay here in the good schools and environment. All 3 OC are in special education and it took a lot for me to set up. So if he wants to put it that way, then yes I picked the kids over you, they never betrayed and lied to me.

Anyway he comes over the house about 15-17 days per month because he doens't have enough money to get back and forth after he pays his rent. I went to file a legal separation from him a couple of months ago only to find out that because we are both joint Guardians of the twins, if we separate, their custody will go back before the judge and they could be sent to foster care and taken away from us and their brother. For this reason we have decided not to divorce at this time.

However, it is putting me in a situation that I can not move on. He acts like my h sometimes, but he says we will not be "together again" until we live together again, so no sex. I really hate him for that because he is the only person I have ever been with and we have been together 23 years. I want to find someone that will love me completely and I can't while I am still married to him.

So I get to raise all 3 OC by myself and put my life on hold. It really sucks.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:29 AM, October 6th (Thursday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 11,11,16 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2926 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, October 13th (Thursday)

As I read other posts here, journal my feeling in my book and read so many other books and websites.

I am beginning to think that for me Limbo land is a self made hell. I was actually not living at home when WH confessed in MC. He broke down and cried,OMG he is human was my first thought. Then he asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. Was he kidding? If I'd had to sit next to him he would not be breathing today. Our MC said not to talk about it(she meant at that moment) he took it as never. He'd already kept his secret a long time.
I look back and think I must've been in Zombie land I moved back home. Not sure if this was my biggest mistake or not. I tried to get things out in the open between us.
When I got the most impoortant questions answered I guess he thought that was all there was to it. No more talking-wrong.

I am beginning to feel like his actions have more to do with me being in Limbo than me.

First he does the right things. then he is passive-agressive about other things. Sometimes he talks about were he wants us to be and other times I sit here alone.

He feeds me just enough to keep my hope alive and destroys me enough that I want out. I am not crazy just in LIMBO but if I stay here long I might go CRAZY


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
cupcakegirl
Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, October 13th (Thursday)

I believe I belong here too. My WH has been recently diagnosed SA. That to me spells LIMBO. I do not know if I will ever have any peace/intimacy w/him.
WH takes a polygraph next week after a full disclosure w/MC csat. I have two children- one with special needs that i could never provide for if it weren't for WH. So I feel like I am married, but I am not. To all the neighbors, we are married. Between us, there is uncertainty and confusion. I do not know what I am going to do, I do not know what my H is going to dump on me at the pg. So I float along.
Limbo is my life.

CCG


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
dawnmarie
Member
Member # 32964
Frustrated  Posted: 10:35 AM, October 14th (Friday)

Had to barrow these stages:
Stage 1: forgiveness. Was I able to forgive, to let go of resentment and be able to see him as simply a flawed human?

He is human, and really, it's not my job to forgive and it makes no difference to me. I cannot let go of the resentment because he knew I was not the kind of person who could survive this and I knew that too.

Stage 2: acceptance. Could I just accept that the past is what it is? After a grieving period, can I accept that time period from start of A to dday was much less than pretty, that the man I loved did not love me back?

I struggle with what he did every single day. No amount of counseling has changed how I feel about his A. I look back to Dday and wish I would have punched him square in the nose and then kicked him out. The man I married would never do that to me and I would never put up with it...but I am still here.

Stage 3: vulnerability. Can I feel safe enough to become emotionally and physically vulnerable to WH once again?

I cannot honestly feel vulnerable to him. He has done absolutely everything right since dday. He shows me 50 times a day how much he loves me. I used to look at him as my perfect match, the man I knew would always have my back, would be there when I grew old, yadayada. I look at him most days and wonder how I have stayed for 2 more years. Yes, we have really great times together, we laugh, we support each other in everything and yes, i still look at him with disgust.

When we were dating, we talked about infidelity many times. We also discussed it throughout our marriage. He knew how I felt and I thought I knew how he felt, it was absolute that we would never hurt each other like that...then he did. Do I know why, can we ever really know why. We were busy living life and he was having some difficulty in the bedroom, but I supported him, loved him, and was there no matter what. This went on for several months and when I looked back after dday, this was when his A started.

I see people on here saying things like "for better or worse" and I can't just leave, I took vows....I apologize to them, but that is total bs to me. I promised (and he promised) to love, honor, and be faithful only unto me, then he ripped my heart out, stomped on it, and threw it aside like it was nothing.

Do I love him?? Yes, but (adding that is never a good sigh), but is it enough?? I love the man I married, he would not hurt me like this. I loved what we had, now I struggle each day to find that again.

My son had just turned 5 when we met. I had a horrible first marriage that ended when my son was 9 months old. I chose very poorly. Anyway, I spent the next few years working on myself and understanding why I chose so poorly, what I would and wouldn't do in the future and how important is was to take time as my son deserved only the best. I met my now husband and he was everything I was looking for. We took our time, I needed to know him. We dated for almost 2 years before we married. Those dating years were full of wonderful times and lots of long talks about who we were and what we wanted. I cannot stress enough how important of a topic infidelity was in our discussions. It was the end all deal breaker, there was nothing that could be done to me that would devastate me more....so why am I still here??

My son is in high school now. I have breached the topic every so gently about how he feels. He knows about the A. He was devastated too and he loves his SDad with all his heart. How do I take that away from him?? How do I turn his world upside down?? He's at a pivotal time in his life and I do not want to crush his life, take away his home and all he knows. I have a career, I can take care of him and I, but I could not stay in our home, the only home he's every really known. He is my life.

I am just so confused and really need some perspective on this. I know I need to tell my H what I feel. I know it will crush him and I do love him, but I also know that may not be enough.

[This message edited by dawnmarie at 10:45 AM, October 14th (Friday)]


"Always go with your gut...the mind will only tell you what you want to hear."
author......me!!
BS:41
WH: 44
DDay: 8/02/09 (just someone from work)
DDay: 10/27/09 Complete confession
WH has done everything right for R (that I know of).

Posts: 130 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: IA
deanab
Member
Member # 16427
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, October 14th (Friday)

Hello all,

I have recently started coming around to SI again after leaving a couple of years ago. D-day was back in 2007. My WH was physical with some of the OW but didn't have actual sex with any of them (confirmed by polygraph) which was why I justified staying in my mind- because it wasn't actual adultery. But the lying, the deceit, the betrayal of many years broke my heart none the less. He was living a double life (SA).

We did counseling, both MC and IC. We read books, we studied, we searched, we moved cities, we talked, screamed, everything. Today, 4 years later, I am no longer foggy nor confused. I can see clearly now and I see that I tried much harder than he did. He showed true remorse for a couple of months then would turn back into a selfish man. He didn't cope well with any of my emotions. I did do alot of things I'm not proud of such as trying to control his every move but I couldn't cope any other way. I have grown SO much since then which is why I'm sooo happy and relieved today. BUT my heart is still broken because I know deep inside that he hasn't loved me nor presently loves me as he should. I am the one that has carried our marriage the whole time. I'm the one that has begged and pleaded when he's wanted out.
I have done alot of soul searching this past year since moving to the new city and I have come to the conclusion that I deserve better. I am worthy. I'm not perfect but I'm good enough. I can't take scraps anymore. He's been talking about leaving the M since the very beginning and hasn't. The word divorce is thrown out by him every other day/week. SO I've decided to take the reigns and told him enough is enough, he either committs 100% or we end this. He stopped his affairs in 2007, but his heart is still selfish towards me. I cannot live like this anymore. I cannot wait for the other shoe to drop. I cannot have knots in my tummy anymore when I'm around him. I don't know what's going to be the decision but I do know that I will be okay. That is HUGE! I know it will be hard but 2 years ago I thought I couldn't survive without him. I'm now seeing that I cannot not only survive, but that I can succeed. It feels great to have power but of course I'm feeling the motions of the what if's. So I'm in limbo but hopefully for not too long.

[This message edited by deanab at 4:32 PM, October 31st (Monday)]


BS: 33 (me)
No kids.
D-day: August 2007
Divorced.

Posts: 529 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Texas
PlainsGirl29
Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, October 14th (Friday)

I am in limbo. I read some of WH journals and saw that he is very confused about his feelings. HE claims he was ending the A long before i found out and signs do point to that, he was looking for a new job back in april, and asked OW to find a new job and she acting got a new job about 2 weeks before dday. Anyway, he just seems so darn lost on how to proceed in the marriage and when he was really low he wrote he wished he was still in contact with OW because he needed a friend, he is very lonely, wished affirmed he is there is NC, but also means that when he is down he thinks of her, which shows she still has power over his actions. I do believe him in that he wasn't going to leave me for OW, but what does that mean? He is a cake eater? I am the default? I am still here in the M and that must count for something because I always said an A would be a dealbreaker for me, honestly it still may be, it is just that it could be a slow process in getting to D. I told WH that I will give it a try and if he does want to change and I see that change and it is genuine then we have a chance, but if I don't see the change we are headed to a D. WH is a terribly lonely person, and it saddens me, I know that is why he got involved with OW, but does that excuse it? I don't know right now. I wish I could know what will happen to us, but right now we need a lot of time and patience to figure this out, on both sides...

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
PlainsGirl29
Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, October 30th (Sunday)

so 2 weeks have passed, we have gone on yet another roller coaster. Just before his parents left WH was all about the M ending, and only a few days ago decided that he will try to remain in the M. So we went on a date last night, and it was okay. We went to haunted houses, though at the end we kind of got in a fight, not surprising right? I do realize I have some issues I need to work out, not related to the A at all. But while we did bicker here and there and once home, overall we are spending time together, and honestly getting to know each other on a different level, non physical and non kids. We both really need to work on our communication and anger issues. We have been on 3 dates since dday. Prior to dday we went on a date once a year for the past 4 years!, so I guess that is a good thing, though i hate that we didn't try sooner to reconnect, and maybe then the A wouldn't have happened.

So friday Wh said he was 100% in the M again, prior during the week he was trolling for women online and that is just like another minidday for me honestly. So I have to get through these issues. I was able to get him to read something about EA online, so he could see that and EA isn't necessarily about loving OW, but just taking time away from the M. I still think he may have some SA issues, so we are trying to communicate about that, and he may seek IC if he continues to show SA symptoms.

I talked to a lawyer last monday and kind of got a feel for if we go down that road, not wanting to or looking forward that if we have to, so right now still in limbo, but hoping we do work things out at this point.


Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
cobraadvice
Member
Member # 32452
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 30th (Sunday)

Plainsgirl
I know what you are going through and do not make the mistakes I did. My WH asked to move home, said he was here to work on M and instead kept up contact with OW. He finally, finally started IC a week ago, admits to being very confused and I have let him stay home. Now I am confused as we are 5 1/2 months out. He wears his wedding ring, talks about things in our future then hits me with we just don't have a connection. Hello, little hard with OW in the wings (she is married and her H knows)and she gets messages to my H that she will wait for him, gag me. He thinks she has his heart but then he wants me, I guess I have his old heart. He pushed me away then pulls me in and asks that I show and tell him why and how much I want him. What a manipulator and I fell for it because I do love the man.

Do you have the link to this? This hit the spot, my H A did take away from our marriage.
" I was able to get him to read something about EA online, so he could see that and EA isn't necessarily about loving OW, but just taking time away from the M."

Date nights, we need to do this. I plan stuff for us and he goes along and we have a good time. But time for date nights and I will have to set this up. In our marriage he was never good at setting stuff up socially, always up to me.....


Me 50, WH 50
OW 52, looks older and fake, not worth a 2nd look.
Married 24 years, together 27 years
3 sons,
DDay May 2011
DDay#2 Oct 2011,
Separated for a month, asked to move home, in R and it has its ups and downs but it is now more limbo

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2011
rcantbleveit
Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, October 30th (Sunday)

Our divorce was final in March. We were together physically for the last time July 4th. We see each other at family functions and last week met for lunch.

He's still with OW which makes me crazy every time I read the statistics of affairs not lasting and every time I hear of another couple splitting.

He seems happy in his new life whle I sit in limbo with what to do with mine.

I go to IC, support group, work out, travel, entertain, date?(see other guys), etc.... but he is always in my thoughts and prayers.

The thought of actually being with someone makes me ill. I like hanging out with guys and enjoy their company but if they want more than that, I have to go.

Over the past few months, I've realized that things were not as great as I thought they were. We were both bored. He chose another woman to deal with it. I chose house work, working out, kids.

I had brought up things to do but we just never got around to doing them for one reason or another.

A friend asked me last night, would you take him back if he came home? I said YES... I miss him, I miss our life together, I miss our family.

She said that it was a lie so why would I want that? She thinks I'm crazy even though she felt the same about her ex until about a month ago. Now she's ready to move on & would never have him back.

So yes I would say I'm in LIMBO....


Posts: 227 | Registered: Dec 2010
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, October 30th (Sunday)

Well I am definately in a self-imposed limbo. But I think I am content with it. Maybe I am co-dependent but to me this makes the most sense.

WW has been pushing me away all summer. She needed space but the truth is she didn't want me around with her new friends. She wanted this to be something that was hers alone. Everything stayed innocent until the right guy showed up at the wrong time and she jumped.

She says she cannot leave him. Doesn't want to.

Neither of us will leave our kids or our house so we are still here in limbo. We discussed her finding a job and then getting an apartment and all that. But the fact of the matter is I DON"T WANT A DIVORCE!

I try to 180 her as much as possible, but often I talk to her and try to be as compassionate as I can. AND I remind her that I don't want a divorce which either makes her feel guilty or makes her think.

She has said that she has noticed how I have actively changed my behaviour and am working to get rid of many of my bad habits. Lately she has asked for time as if she might reconsider. I've resigned myself to the reality that our marriage is over and the only thing holding us here is to make as normal as possible a Halloween and Christmas for our kids.

The facts are: 1 She wants a D
2. I don't
3. If I push her she gets what she wants
4. If I don't push her I might get a chance at R, probably not

The way I see it, I don't have anything left to lose. I can live with the situation as it is for the time being. I am not sharing her because I am essentially out of the picture romantically, sexually and emotionally. Right now we are married in name only.

Now if she somehow does decide to consider working on the M then the demands and boundaries will start: NC, Access to FB, meeting all the friends, etc. But for now, the sliver of possibility of an opening into a hidden corner of her heart is worth it.

[This message edited by gahurts at 9:43 PM, October 30th (Sunday)]


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3469 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 31st (Monday)

I absolutely hat limbo land. It feels like I'm a sitting duck waiting for the hunter. Not a real good feeling.

I am now on the blind and can't be found. Actually I did what I should've done a long time ago. I stated I felt things wre going. I told my WS if things didn't change he would be leaving the house, not be. He thought I was kidding. When he realized I wasn't he apologized again for a lot of things. I told him I have given all I can and his time is running out. I have set a deadline for him to get started. We shall see.



Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
PlainsGirl29
Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, October 31st (Monday)

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Emotional-Affairs-101/1

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, November 3rd (Thursday)

MY WH used to tell me that he cannot hold the marriage together by himself. I would tell him he is not by himself, that I am with him. Come to find out that he was in the Emotional Affair at the time.

His EA was not romantic, he claims he was never in love with the OW. They were 'just friends' BUT he was taking positive emotion from our marriage & giving it to OW, who was never in a bad mood, never nagged him, never gave him anything but positive reinforcement about him (not the marriage).

There was never any stress with the OW. Which is why my
WH said it was easy to have sex with her. He was comfortable, knew that there was not going to be a fight with her. She offered sex & he said yes...then the guilt hit.

I feel he is not 'all in' at this point in time. He holds back, shuts down out of fear, hurt & guilt.

I was reading somewhere that the WS is weak enough to get into an affair in the first place & many are too weak to do the hard work in R so it is up to the BS to do most of the work. My sitch in a nutshell...This Sucks

On the bright side I have really gotten back in an old hobby that I enjoyed & it looks like it can possibly turn into a new career opportunity for me.

I also have a current coworker (female) who is in a similar sitch who is also interested in a joint venture of this hobby. We both need to feel empowered as now we are both 'trapped' financially in our M.

Peace & Strength. AH


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
brokenandfedup
Member
Member # 33186
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, November 4th (Friday)

I've read the first three pages, and so much of what you are all saying resonates so strongly with me!

I am in Limbo.

I have three young kids, and although my husband has admitted to a ONS,
and going out after work with colleagues and bought women drinks...
he swears nothing else... I beleive differently!

Why, I wonder do I want him to confess?
He probably never will...

Would you leave if:
A: you had somewhere to go
B: it was financially viable for you to do so
C: if your kids were older
D: if you didn;t have kids
E: if you wasn't afraid of being alone

This really caught my eye...

A. I do have somewhere to go... I would just hate moving in with my mother... sems so clicheed!
B. Financially, yes, I could do it...
C. If my kids were older... absolutely
D. If I didn;t have kids, our marriage would have ended 5 years ago...
E. I'm not afraid of being alone... I'm afraid of being a Single mom...
even though he isn't around that much anyway...

We're in such a shitty place!

[This message edited by brokenandfedup at 1:44 AM, November 4th (Friday)]


Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, November 4th (Friday)

It's been a while since I have posted in here.

Something else for the inhabitants of limboland to think about.

Do you really know deep down what you want but don't know how to achieve it.

Do you really want to be reconcilled but don't think your partner is doing enough?

Do you really want to be seperated/divorced but don't know how you will manage financially or in other ways?

Whatever your current situation is, try to find a way to make the best of it for now at the same time, plan for the future.



The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, November 4th (Friday)


Would you leave if:
A: you had somewhere to go
B: it was financially viable for you to do so
C: if your kids were older
D: if you didn;t have kids
E: if you wasn't afraid of being alone

A: yes
B: yes
C: yes, sometimes think I should have done it when I filed in 2005 when I found out that OW was in the mix...
D: definately
E: I'm not afraid to be alone, I would adopt some dogs, they're faithful, loving,(not that way, got a 'bob' for that, LOL protective, fun


neh

Do you really know deep down what you want but don't know how to achieve it.

Some days I can envision WH & I in a better marriage, more days it's me living a 'single' life. (& happy, to boot)

Do you really want to be reconcilled but don't think your partner is doing enough?

I do not think he is doing enough but I am questioning do I REALLY want to be reconcilled???

Do you really want to be seperated/divorced but don't know how you will manage financially or in other ways?

Again, financial is a problem, so do I really want to be S/D?

Whatever your current situation is, try to find a way to make the best of it for now at the same time, plan for the future.

I like this, thanks neh.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
insecure
New Member
Member # 26851
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, November 7th (Monday)

I can so relate to a lot of this. WH says he wants the marriage to work, yet again I caught him at OW home last thursday nite (Nov 3, 2011). We do nothing together. Never really have. He says I don't want to do anything with him. He hasn't asked me to in years. This thing with the OW has been going on for two years, and prior to that there was another OW. He has moved in and out since New Year's eve. I constantly worry about where he is, who he's talking to or texting. I don't trust him, don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone again. Don't believe anything he says either. Just so tired of the whole thing. I've told him everytime I turn around its like getting slapped in the face with him lying to me about being done with her and then she pops up either on the cell or he's at her house.


“Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.”
― Henry Rollins

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2009
PlainsGirl29
Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, November 24th (Thursday)

I hate this limbo. I hate the half heartness on both sides. I don't know if I can stick it out for the long run, I have posted elsewhere here and everyone is saying that we are rugsweeping and not in R and I know we are not in R. I know what R is suppose to look like. Transparency, no lieing etc. WH has decided he is going to be nice to me and hope that will be it. It is a start but it is not enough. He told our daughter tonight that he loved her and then said I love your mom too, and I acted cold. I just don't want it to be like this anymore, I don't want to be in limbo, but I know that is the only place for us atm. I have vowed to try to keep it together until the new year, and then I will start making final decisions. I need to get through the holidays for the kids and I am also going to find out about going back to college, I am taking steps,though they feel so small and slow, but honestly in my state of mind, I am doing the best I can.

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
Crazy Daze
Member
Member # 31843
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, November 24th (Thursday)

Hugs to all of you still in Limbo.

I haven't posted in awhile as WS and I are finally in R. Not false R such as WS "trying to work on M" while having a GF on the side.

It took me a year and a half to heal enough and become strong enough to reach the decision that I no longer wanted to play his game and be part of a triangle.

I had the belief that if he wanted out then he should be the one to file, but then I realized that I was giving away my power and he was controlling me.

It wasn't until I said "Go" instead of "Choose" that WS was finally able to get out the fog and commit to our M.

Oh, we still have issues but at least we are working through them together.

So stay strong. Take one day at a time and remember to breathe.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2011
Tropicalblush
Member
Member # 33877
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, December 2nd (Friday)

I'm here too, and I hate it... Officially, we're in R, but I'm keeping one foot firmly holding the door open. H knows that I am not fully committed to R and to him. I don't know what is keeping me here (fear probably) and I hate myself for not making a decision. I always had such strong views on infidelity (see my profile...) and I NEVER in a MILLION YEARS thought my H would cross that line. I still can't believe he is not the man I thought he was. I think a part of me still doesn't believe this has actually happened (7 months after d-day!!)

to answer the questions:

Would you leave if:
A: you had somewhere to go
B: it was financially viable for you to do so
C: if your kids were older
D: if you didn;t have kids
E: if you wasn't afraid of being alone

A. probably
B. much more likely
C. maybe
D. Definitely, without a shaddow of a doubt
E. I'm not really afraid of being alone. I'm alone so much anyway!!


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 46
Together 17 years, married 12
2 DS, 10 & 8
DDay 1 Easter Sunday April 24 2011 he confessed 18 month affair
DDay 2 June 26 2011 - I discovered an additional ONS in Aug 2008, and 4 years of multiple online sex-chat affairs

Posts: 65 | Registered: Nov 2011
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, December 2nd (Friday)

I am marking time in limbo, too.
Its a very, very ODD feeling.

We could stay M till one of us dies...but I have my creepy qualms about doing this, too.

Maybe he has "secret life insurance" on me and will collect on it if I die first?

Any one else ever think about this stuff, too?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
sadandtrying
Member
Member # 19246
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, December 2nd (Friday)

I'm in limbo too...and I'm slightly (or more than slightly ) embarrassed to say that I have been in limbo, on and off, since shortly after dday, nearly 4 years ago...

My H took his time coming out of the "fog" of his A, and I "allowed" him to take his time.
Over the course of our long M (25 years at dday) I had given over my power to him in such an insidious way that it was practically gone by the time he engaged in his A. I had no fire and little confidence in myself by that time.
I allowed him to use me while he "decided", blamed, and "punished" me for not "meeting his needs". I accept 100% responsibility for how I responded to his A. He's got it for the A itself.

His FOO issues, and mine, had set up an unhealthy dynamic between us that I have been feverishly trying to understand, heal, and change during these almost 4 years.
I am proud to say I have made great progress, reclaiming my own power, & exploring my own behaviors, strengths, weaknesses, inclinations and talents.....

I am trying simultaneously to keep the M, to accept that I was not able to meet some of my H's needs, and he wasn't able to meet some of mine.

But here's the thing: although he has been completely NC for over 3 years, is truly remorseful and loving, his way of showing his love and commitment to me still leaves a big gap for me and the "needs" I still have...
What I most want, and I have expressed it to him 3 billion times, is for him to be my friend - to listen, talk, share, be interested, open, social, fun, etc with me...
..He doesn't seem to know how.

What he does instead is: bring me my coffee, run my bath, stroke me, and make sexual advances to me; he's ready any time, all the time to love and be loved sexually.

So it seems his 2 primary 'love languages' are physical/sex and giving of gifts.
Mine are: quality time, and verbal communication...(paraphrasing, as I don't know the official names for the 5 languages).

So, I remain in limbo...I feel I either make the hard choice and leave him after almost 30 years and life "together" around our 4 amazing grown children and their SO's...or keep on keeping on, trying, becoming more fulfilled in the life I have that's separate from him, and to a certain degree "settling"....

Just my story....
(((all others in their own limbo)))


[This message edited by sadandtrying at 8:07 AM, December 2nd (Friday)]


Posts: 1064 | Registered: Apr 2008
Tropicalblush
Member
Member # 33877
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, December 2nd (Friday)

Its such a horrible place to be, isn't it?? My H was away overnight, and won't be back until very late tonight (like 3am...) Then he goes away from Tuesday to Friday. In some ways I really prefer it when he is away, which makes me think that maybe I would be better off on my own????

Lately I have been finding it very difficult to look him in the eye...


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 46
Together 17 years, married 12
2 DS, 10 & 8
DDay 1 Easter Sunday April 24 2011 he confessed 18 month affair
DDay 2 June 26 2011 - I discovered an additional ONS in Aug 2008, and 4 years of multiple online sex-chat affairs

Posts: 65 | Registered: Nov 2011
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 11th (Sunday)

I read through many of these posts and can relate. I know I am very early in the process -- only one week since D-Day.

The only reason I'm in limbo is due to his reactions this past week. He doesn't seem committed to R.

Good signs - he went to MC and agreed to go again (despite always being dead-set against any sort of counseling) and I *think* he's in the process of doing the assigned homework reading since I can't find the book.

Bad signs - he's been withdrawn and rather sullen. Friday we went on a dinner date, and he reiterated that he has feelings for her; whereas he loves me but isn't in love with me (barf.) And, he works with her so can't go true NC, even if he wanted to.

If he was truly remorseful and wanted to R, I wouldn't be in limbo. But I'm not so sure I want to stay with someone like this.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3482 | Registered: Dec 2011
Melody3
Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, December 12th (Monday)

Hi, first time writing here. I have written and gotten a lot of response in the "general" forum.

My WH left about 1 month after I had our 2nd child (a sweet little red headed boy w/ the bluest eyes you have ever seen) in Sept 2010. And a little girl 4 years old who loved her daddy more than anything in the world. Their bond was tight.

He told me he was unhappy and had one foot out the door for a while (now he's saying at least 3 years he starting thinking about how unhappy he was and what he could do to "get out") and there wasn't any stopping him. He hadn't said a word until 2010. I didn't stop him. I cried yes. But that didn't stop him. Or anything I said or did. About a month and half later I got it out him that he was having an A with OW and she was married with 4 kids. He moved to the state she lived in and resided there for the past year. He lost his job at this time too (fired). He would occassionally call or text during the week but not much. Then we would see him on the weekends and talk more. But that was about it. He never really said much about D until this past summer.

He now lives in the state we reside in and isn't 3 hours away anymore....Before he would only see our kids about 5-6 hours every Sat. I never allowed him to take the kids out of state.

Says he would like to R, but doesn't seem to want to do the work to get there in my opinion. He apologized and said how remorseful he was the past couple of mo's after he heard I hate went on some dates. Now that has all stopped. Still says he loves me, but I have a gut feeling (and some hard evidence) he's still seeing the OW on weekends. He only left her 2 weeks ago to come work a job in the state we live in. Sometimes I wonder if it was all convenient re: the timing of him coming back closer to home, did he really want to leave her (says he does), etc..I think he expected I would let him move back in but I said no and he's living with his brother.

So I'm in limbo and haven't filed. I'm a paralegal and know all the steps inside and out. I've been working on family law and divorce cases for 10 years. And I hate the affects it has, but also you can't be in an unhappy marriage. That isn't a good example for your children either.

LIMBO LIMBO! Ughh!!


BS (me): 38
WH: 38
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 8 (daughter) & 4(son)
Divorced 12/2013
OW moves 10 min's away from kids and I with my Ex. 6/2014.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Melody3
Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, December 12th (Monday)

I often wonder if we stay in limbo because of:

1.) Fear of the Future
(can we make it on our own--I admit a I rely on my WH for insurance, benefits, money, etc...)
2.) A Dream of a Family
(that one is on my mind a lot)
3.) Fear that a Stepparent will come along and parent your child(ren) when you are not around
4.) Fear of Being Alone in the Future

In my IC I have learned that guilt and fear are some of my biggest feelings to overcome. I'm getting there but it's taken a lot of IC and still will no matter what route I choose for myself and my family. This is so so hard.


BS (me): 38
WH: 38
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 8 (daughter) & 4(son)
Divorced 12/2013
OW moves 10 min's away from kids and I with my Ex. 6/2014.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Melody3
Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, December 13th (Tuesday)

Just looking for support from anyone out there who is also in limbo.

Thanks.


BS (me): 38
WH: 38
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 8 (daughter) & 4(son)
Divorced 12/2013
OW moves 10 min's away from kids and I with my Ex. 6/2014.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, December 23rd (Friday)

Hi Melody3...sorry it has taken you so long to get a response.

Speaking for myself, I don't check in too often. IDK, sometimes I guess I just find it all too painful to revisit and you just need a break.

Anyway, sorry you are in limbo. If I read your post correctly, he isn't living with you? Most of us here in limbo actually have to stay with our WS for differing reasons, so your situation sounds a bit different.

I am glad to hear that you are in IC. It doesn't always work for everyone, but I found it helpful at the time, although I am finished with it for now.

Is your family supportive?
What are you considering doing?
I know that it is hard to figure out a life path after something as devastating as this, especially when we don't have any idea what that future may look like and it is scary. Especially for someone like you who has young children to consider.

On the bright side, although you may not believe it, you are young enough to be able to entertain many possibilities. For those of us here who are age challenged
it feels like there are fewer options.

I'm sorry that I don't have any practical advice for you, but I do sympathize.

Hang in there.
((((Melody3))))


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, December 23rd (Friday)

Okay, now that I have replied to Melody, I'd like to vent a little about my situation.

IDK if it is the holiday season or what, but I am having some issues.

It is soooo hard to share a house with someone who has hurt you this badly, who continues to avoid the entire issue and seems to have no issues of his own. He always acts so damn normal.

Does anyone else have problems with just simply not feeling loved? I miss it.
Just that feeling of knowing that someone gives a damn about you, cares about you, worries about you.

I have been feeling so down lately, even been having the occasional bout of tears, which is somewhat rare lately. This just sucks.
I will get over it, but for the meantime...it just sucks!
And, may I add for good measure, that sometimes, I just HATE looking at his stupid face.

Sigh...it just hurts knowing I am inconsequential and so easily discarded, and that he can go on about his life acting so normal and unbothered.

Sorry to be such a humbug.
Hope your holidays are going better than mine.

Hugs to all.


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
gromit2011
Member
Member # 33650
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, December 24th (Saturday)

((((hugs to all))))

I hear you, Milia. Yes, that feeling of being unloved by the person who you thought would always live you be there for you, thinking of you, caring. And I also know what it feels like to have WH who is just getting on as normal.

I know he's completely fucked up and in a bad place right now but he keeps telling everyone he's 'fine'. I want him to say, 'Help me, I'm not good, I'm completely screwed up' but he's stubborn and idiotic.

It sucks. Day in, day out.


Together 4 years
Married June 2011
DDay 8 October 2011
6 week PA
WH claims his 'affair' was nothing to do
with being unhappy in our relationship, it
was just the thrill of trying to lead a double life. Oh, but this means he doesn't

Posts: 124 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: UK
del311
Member
Member # 33840
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, December 25th (Sunday)

Yup...Limbo is the worst. my FWW and i always told each other it would be over if an A ever took place. so easy to say that but then the unimaginable happens!I still cant believe she did this? after 18 years of marriage...I've spent half of my life with her!! I find myself faking im happy just trying so hard to make it work!

she's very remorsfull but still she hints that she went that route because of not getting enough help around the house?! And then says she's sorry for not telling me how she felt...


BS(me)..39
WS(her)..38
OM(boy)..22(WTF)
Married..18y
2 children..18 & 5
DDay 3/3/11 "EA only"
DDay 3/7/11 "yup PA"
Grasping for R...fingers.cramped.losing.grip...

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: san diego
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, December 25th (Sunday)

Yes, Milia, I feel that way, too. It is so hard to continue to live in the same house and try to be civil. I want to go slap-happy & get some damn answers! I want to see some remorse! And I get SO depressed thinking that my future is utterly bleak & without love (as is my present, aside from what I get in spades from my kiddos). I had a dream, a "romance" dream, in which a secret admirer (and normally I abhor the thought of secret admirers) left me a present with a note explaining that he could tell I needed a gift. That was the whole dream, just someone being nice to me & caring. I know that's not in my future any longer...

I was telling my IC that the thought of growing old with SA/WH is depressing. The thought that something might happen to him & I'd be stuck having to be his caretaker is appalling. Or vice versa (since I know his version of caring for me is, literally, stepping over my prone body, BTDT, or abandoning me at the hospital for hours, BTDT). I certainly can no longer envision us growing old together in the good way.

I am disgusted with myself for being in limbo. I know why I'm here, I'm trying to be optimistic. I'm also aware that my employability is very low due to my physical limitations, so me being a breadwinner for three little ones is hardly a realistic option any longer. I hate this position.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 1:26 AM, December 25th (Sunday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10026 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, December 25th (Sunday)

Marking time...horrid feeling!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
milia
Member
Member # 29264
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 25th (Sunday)

Thanks gromit, del, Nature Girl and dreamlife for your responses.

While I am sorry you all are here, it really does sort of help to know I am not alone in this mess, that others do understand.

@dreamlife, such a sad term "marking time", but how appropriate.

Hugs and Merry Christmas to all!


Courage, you have to have courage to love somebody,
Because you risk everything, everything. ~ Maya Angelou

BS (me) age 55
WS (him) age 58
Married 39 years
2 short term liasons with 2 different women
LTA 2 years with yet another


Posts: 1020 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Maryland
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, December 26th (Monday)

Nature_Girl: have you been to see a lawyer to know what your expected child support and maintenance would be if you divorced? You might be surprised at how much you could get and that you could maintain your lifestyle.

In my state, my lawyer said that 15 years is what constitutes a long-term marriage, and you can get lifetime spousal support after that.

Perhaps if you knew more about the details of your options, you could make a more informed decision?

Hugs to you.

I posted in this limbo thread earlier, but have since realized we need to divorce. He's still in the fog, but I deserve to be with someone who loves me -- even if that's just myself! Being in limbo is the worst, but I felt a sense of relief once I made a decision. Best of luck to you.

(I only fear that I may be posting in here again when he comes to his senses and begs me back. I know I am making the right decision to D and not wait around, but it will be tough if he changes his mind. So technically I may still be in limbo. Hopefully it's OK that I post here.)

[This message edited by phmh at 6:25 PM, December 26th (Monday)]


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3482 | Registered: Dec 2011
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, December 28th (Wednesday)

I am in limbo also. 2yrs and 4months. Dont know what the hell is going on and yes he is still in contact with bitch face.
But, on the flip side, I am stronger and he is showing lots of impovements with being home more and more, less time going out and hanging till all hours of the night, more attentive but if I bring up OW, the affair or us be blows a fuse. Talks about us in the furture and goes on like normal.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2886 | Registered: Aug 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, December 28th (Wednesday)

PHMH, I'm just now seeing your post to me. So sorry I didn't see it earlier!

I did go to a lawyer back in July. I was not impressed with him and would not hire him if we do proceed to D. He minimized everything I've been going through, said "it's not so bad", and suggested that porn addiction isn't addiction or infidelity. He also defended the fact that I found saved favorite teen porn sites on DH's computer (versus accidental pop-ups).

I did get the impression that we would be forking over everything we have as far as bank accounts are concerned to pay lawyer fees. We don't have that much to begin with. I got the impression that spousal support would be minimal, if anything, and that I would be expected to go out & get a job to support myself & the children.

Now that I've typed this all out I have to laugh and ask myself why on earth would I put any stock in anything that idiot said? I need to talk to a different lawyer!

BTW, I paid $250 for the privilege of speaking to that moron!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10026 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Harlowe
Member
Member # 34281
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, January 2nd (Monday)

I am totally living in limbo...

In early November, I found out that my H of almost 9 years, had been having an EA for 2.5 months. The OP was a woman he dated and lived with 20 years ago.

He went total NC about a week after I found out about the A... but since then it's been all limbo.

H isn't so sure he wants to be married to me anymore. He says he feels uncomfortable around me and that he feels miserable in our marriage.

I want to stay married. I love my H despite what he did to our marriage and to my self-esteem. I cannot imagine H not being in my life.

We went to MC once... and since then I have been going to weekly (sometimes twice weekly) IC. H has only been to IC a few times because of his crazy work schedule.

I feel like I am playing tennis all alone. I keep vollying out the love but he isn't hitting the ball back...

H has never said the word "Reconciliation", instead he just says he is working on things.

I want my old husband back. :(


Me ~ BS~43
Husband ~ WS~47
Second Marriage for both ~ almost 9 years
5 kids ~ my 2, his 1 and our 2
DDay ~ 11/5/11 DDay 2 ~ 1/7/12
In R and it is going well

Posts: 118 | Registered: Dec 2011
Melody3
Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, January 3rd (Tuesday)

Thanks for your support milia


BS (me): 38
WH: 38
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 8 (daughter) & 4(son)
Divorced 12/2013
OW moves 10 min's away from kids and I with my Ex. 6/2014.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
PlainsGirl29
Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, January 3rd (Tuesday)

We are getting off the limbo train this week. wh is moving to his apt. He signed a 6 month lease. Plans are to refi current home, downgrade my vehicle and use 401 k to get a downpayment for a second home where I can afford, begin mediation probably by the summer and I plan to bust my butt pay off the home I get in the D by opening a daycare. It all sounds great in theory but who knows if it will all pan out. I am still sad and angry my M is ending, but will like the knowing and control over my life again.

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
frigidfire86
Member
Member # 32324
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, January 5th (Thursday)

It is soooo hard to share a house with someone who has hurt you this badly, who continues to avoid the entire issue and seems to have no issues of his own. He always acts so damn normal.

That's how my H is. He's been going on with life like normal and doesn't seem to get that my world is completely torn to shreds. This may sound stupid, but part of me wishes he'd have another A just so I'd have that reason to say "screw it!" and leave. He's given me a little of what I need, just enough to keep me around, but I haven't even gotten an apology or admission of guilt yet. I don't know how long I can stand to be in Limbo. It's driving me crazy, but I'm not ready for S/D either. Financially I can't afford it, and emotionally I'm not prepared. How have others gotten out of this crap and moved on?


Me: 28
Him: 29
Married 8 years
Daughter, 7 yrs old
D-Day: 05/08/2011

Posts: 628 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Germany
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)

ff86

This may sound stupid, but part of me wishes he'd have another A just so I'd have that reason to say "screw it!" and leave.

No, that does not sound stupid because I have thought the same thing. I also believe that my WH's A is not the first, only the first I found out about....so what keeps me here?

After DDay my answer was love for WH. Now as I think about it more:

I am financially (& insurance) dependant on WH. This is the biggest thing. If I had the money I would be gone,

DS1 needs to find a job, DS2 will graduate this yr, DS3 has 2 1/2 more yrs of HS.

Fear of a lot of irrational things (issues I am working on),

Love of what was, who I thought WH was and now see that he may actually never have been. Since DDay I have found out lies that WH has told me concerning other women going back to when we met.

I have been reading on the NPD & P/A threads. WH has some of the traits & my IC agreed but he has not been diagnosed as either.

WH went to 5 different IC's for a short period each:

#1(male)- WH lied to the first 6 weeks (said he did not have an affair) finally he he did tell the truth, soon after the C took a job offer in a different state.

#2(male)- would not see WH on a weekly basis unless WH was suicidal, WH came home with info on how we communicate. (I believe that is MC territory) IC tells WH that I am the problem, but WH cannot 'remember' exactly what the IC diagnosed for me who he had never met. WH tells me after 3 sessions that they have not even mentioned the affair

I have to say that I prefer WH to have a male IC because of his ability to overly charming & aquienscent, which makes me look like a total psycho bitch. (not that I have not had my psycho bitch moments since DDay, because I have)

We went to 2 female MC's (2000 & 2005, both while WH was in the EA/turned PA) and he lied to them both. They both did not see him as a big problem. The one in 2005 said to me: "I have seen men that hold a gun to their wives head, at least WH is not doing that" when I asked her if whe thought WH needed anger management. I said throwing stuff, breaking stuff, keeping me up all night, yelling obscenities in front of the kids is okay?

IC#3(female) again with the communication & not discussing the affair, she also had never met me & diagnosed me but WH could not remember with what.

IC #4(female) he did go in the first day & tell her she would be a problem for me because she resembled the OW in appearance(same eye & hair color, different than mine). Her response was 'we will get AH past it'. Again he came home saying that I am the problem, I cannot forgive. Like I just flip the switch & poof! all better without WH doing a thing.

#5 (female) this is the one that I thought could do the most good. She gave WH reading assignment from the book 'Getting Past the Affair', the first visit. WH stopped going & blamed it on me, said I fired her. After he told me he would continue with IC with her and he called to cancel...WH also told me that this IC was surprised that it was 'just' a weekend with OW.

It is so difficult in that WH can go on with life like nothing happened. I also think when I do 180, he's just fine with it because he still doesn't have to deal with it. I take care of me & the kids & WH takes care of his stuff. He's fine, but I am still hurting.

Thanks for listening.

Strength & Peace to all in Limbo. AH

[This message edited by always-hope at 4:18 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)]


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
disgust
Member
Member # 34200
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)

Every single one of these posts sounds like me.

All I want is peace. I don't think I ask for much.


Posts: 349 | Registered: Dec 2011
horseluvr
Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, January 13th (Friday)

Yes to a little bit of all the posts. I do feel unloved, I am lonely, I do rely on my H insurance benefits and Im a SAHM with a health condition. Doesn't look to great on paper or on the screen I should say. I am trying to stay positive, I love my kids, I have good friends, and my animals I try and find something to be thankful for everyday but some days it may be the tiniest of things.
H say "luv ya" about 3 out of 7 days but I cant remember the last time he looked me in the eyes and said " I luv you horseluvr" Not sure what my future holds, just baby steps to being independant because I have a sick feeling, he's not in for the long haul.


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
HurtYetHealing
Member
Member # 34376
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, January 17th (Tuesday)

All I want is peace. I don't think I ask for much.

We're "trying" to R. But right now, I just need a break. I need that peace you so fondly speak of.

I miss him when we're not together, but I really just want to be alone right now.

I hate the uncertainty of it all. The not knowing, the always wondering, the feeling like you might actually be going insane because one minute you're happy, and the next you just want to cry.

I keep "zoning out". H will ask what I'm thinking of because I look sad. And I honestly have no idea what was going through my head.

Hello limbo. You are an unexpected stop on my journey through life. Can someone please find the exit sign? I want to get out.

[This message edited by HurtYetHealing at 12:38 PM, January 17th (Tuesday)]


Me-32 BW, Him-34 fWH
5 amazing children
Dday: December 2, 2011
M: 14 years(13@JFO), together for 18 (17@JFO) Status: Roller coaster of R
It takes a heart to forgive, and a brain to move on.

Posts: 706 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, January 18th (Wednesday)

I'm in limbo too. I just can't let myself trust him at this point. That he was able to lie to me for so long and so well has pretty much blown my mind.

Even though he's taken a poly and passed, I still have trouble believing him. I hate to say that. I wonder if this is how it will be the rest of my days!

And I never know which forum to post in, but I am really, really drawn to the Peace Train on NB...I wish there was a Peace Train for us limbo people.


Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, January 19th (Thursday)

All I want is peace also. Right now WH & I are not speaking, when we do there are harsh words both ways. I am really thinking that this 'peace' does not include WH in my life...

3 Doors Down - She Don't Want the World:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uxyNyyBEv0

(((All in Limbo)))


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
SickInMySoul
Member
Member # 19945
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)

Feeling extra sad lately. My four year anti is coming up. I am not happy at all, but I can't find it in me to leave him. :( I don't want to live like this forever. I am SO jealous of happy couples. Just a sucky day.

Gotta get back to work, but I just needed to say to someone that I am not happy. :(

(((hugs to all limbo folks)))


BS (me) 44
WS 51
two amazing girls 22 & 23
one year PA with a 22 yr old "friend" of ours.
Dday 4-7-08
Looking forward to being one of the R success stories!

5-09**seriously wondering if I can get past this...
9-10**still struggling..


Posts: 216 | Registered: Jun 2008
Paperclip
Member
Member # 27192
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, March 14th (Wednesday)

(((sickinmysoul)))
I always get extra sad around the antiversary. My 4-year antiversary is this year also.
Hugs to you!

Posts: 819 | Registered: Jan 2010
SickInMySoul
Member
Member # 19945
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, March 15th (Thursday)

Thank you Paperclip (love your name! Ha, ha!!).

Hugs back atcha. It is the same with me, as you. SO hard for me to deal with the fact that he lied to me every.single.day for so long. He has NEVER been able to lie. Until then. Blows my mind too.

Somedays I think I am stuck like this forever. It is a heartbreaking thought. It isn't fair, to either of us. He really is a good man. VERY remorseful. He deserves a full happy marriage.

I ran across one of the folders of scans I have hidden in my work e-mail that is from a years worth of their e-mails to each other. It slapped me right in the face, as I was looking for an old scanned work document. I had fogotten they were in there from when I thought I had the yahoo's to divorce him.

I really thought I would be past this by now. So many other big family things have come up after DD that I think we never really were able to give it the work it needed. I could never tell anyone in "real life", but I just don't feel like I am in love with him anymore. I want to be. But I can't seem to put a crack in this huge wall I have built.

Yuck.

(((paperclip & all)))


BS (me) 44
WS 51
two amazing girls 22 & 23
one year PA with a 22 yr old "friend" of ours.
Dday 4-7-08
Looking forward to being one of the R success stories!

5-09**seriously wondering if I can get past this...
9-10**still struggling..


Posts: 216 | Registered: Jun 2008
hurting7897
Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, March 15th (Thursday)

I can totally indentify with neverendinghurt. That's where I am. we are 6 weeks from d-day and I told my FWH last night, "i just dont know if I can ever forgive you." It wasn't said as an attack, I am just exhausted. Too much pain. I want R, I just don't know if I'll ever get there. He is doing everything right. But like you NeverEndingHurt, we were the perfect couple too. Everyone has always been envious of us. If only they knew the truth. It's so incredibly painful.


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
otto33
New Member
Member # 35083
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, March 21st (Wednesday)

SO many of us in the same spot and it sucks. Feeling sad because I was lied to and taken advantage of and our 3 kids were treated like 2nd class citizens so she could have a meet up. Used to make me sick/mad, now it makes me sad. Hate feeling this way, even though it is not all the time, it is every day and I hate that part of the day. Why are my brain & heart fighting over the same person; heart says stay, brain says run. Frustrating & painful.


ME BH 40
SHE WS 38
D Day 4-19-11
Married 14 years

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: PA
HelplessNHurt
Member
Member # 34607
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)

I can totally indentify with neverendinghurt. That's where I am. we are 6 weeks from d-day and I told my FWH last night, "i just dont know if I can ever forgive you." It wasn't said as an attack, I am just exhausted.
Too much pain. I want R, I just don't know if I'll ever get there. He is doing everything right. But like you NeverEndingHurt, we were the perfect couple too. Everyone has always been envious of us. If only they knew the truth. It's so incredibly painful.

This is exactly where I am! I *thought* we were perfect - *thought* we had a great M, were right for eachother, were best friends and, instead, I was SOOO wrong. And, I was betrayed and hurt and uprooted by the person who was NEVER, EVER supposed to do any of that. My WS was supposed to be the one to protect me, to love me, to be by my side forever, in good and bad, always...and, instead, my WS has broken me. And, at times, I don't think this break can be repaired. We are trying and WS does try very hard. But, I can only hope it will be enough.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2012
js_girl
Member
Member # 34797
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, March 29th (Thursday)

I realized last night why limbo is so hard for me, why Ican't simply D my WH when he's clearly fencesitting. I'm not ready to be rejected again. Waiting for him to be stable on meds and clear-headed enough to make a decision about his life is less painful than putting D before him now, saying "You can choose us or you can choose her," and the fear of having him walk away. I'm just not strong enough to handle that yet. I wish I could say I am, but I'm not there yet. Apparently, I need time, too.


Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 32
2 beautiful baby boys
DDay 1: 2/8/12
TT til DDay 2: 3/3/12
Status: R as of 5/6/12
WRONG: FALSE R

Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
noname123
New Member
Member # 35511
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday)

What is going to push me over the edge?

2 years since D-Day and drudgery of Limbo-land has me a beaten man.

There is no hope for R if WW will never own up to the things (not including the OM) that brought down the marriage. For her, keeping herself the victim leaves her a perfect platform for not having to look at herself.

I am staying in M sheerly out of fear for how it will affect my 2 sons who are only couple years from college.

Sleep in separate rooms, haven't touched in any meaningful way since then, and it dawned on me in 2 years she has never smiled or shown the least bit of affection towards me. To her I am a real efficient workhorse, making the money, pulling more than my half...while she plays the victim all brought on from me, her children, family, her childhood, and her life in general. No reason for her to leave, doesn't have to work, OM is long gone, grass will not be greener on the other side for her....

50 and I just want to move on with my life, how did you do it?

What thought came into your mind that pushed you over the edge to finally cut and run?


Posts: 2 | Registered: May 2012
FrozenTear
Member
Member # 32680
Default  Posted: 3:44 AM, May 12th (Saturday)

It's been a full year since we officially started to R but there are days I do wonder *if* I can rebuild the trust in him. I know it will be very important to have it when he is out of school (max 2 years) and is in his profession. I feel so tired most of the time of trying. Especially when we do butt heads and he reminds me how I am not being fair. I want to give him credit for the efforts he has done but not always sure I want to credit him with a life-long acceptance.

I just wish there was some stronger evidence that he had learned his lesson and when it's all side and done that I don't just be lonely and bitter toward him, love or my own judgments.


BS (me/wife)
WS (husband)
Last DD (12/14/2010)
Together since Dec, 19th 2006

"Chaos begins to multiply, exponential memories overide my sympathies."


Posts: 163 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: USA
TXMommy
Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)

Can I join? Seriously, I have felt like I am in limbo for about the past year... It'll be 2 years this summer, I he thinks I should be over it. I told him the other day, yeah, it's done, it's out, we've pretty much moved on (because it is NEVER discussed), but it's never really going to go away. I'm never going to be able to forget. I've made the conscious decision to FORGIVE what you've done, and not to PUNISH you for what you did. I just don't know if I can LOVE him again. I'm really not sure I even like him sometimes. We have two beautiful kids, and I want so much for them to see a loving, happy marriage between their parents. How can I do that when the most I feel for him MOST of the time is tolerance?


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Trudging through R.

Posts: 593 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
MyReturn2Me
Member
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)

Me too Txmommy, me too
((Hug))


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
hopefulfutur
Member
Member # 34964
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)

I know we all have this feeling, and for those of you who have been past your Dday for years, it is sad to hear this still lingers.

I love him, I know I do. But I think of why I want to put myself through this stress? There will always be that nagging fear in the background, why didn't he answer, why didn't he tell me he was going there?

I want it to get better but it just kind of lingers, and he can't understand why.

Everyday I'm losing my umph. I want to come home and sleep. I don't want to do chores, I don't want to go out. I just want to read novels and sleep. I have no drive to want to do anything else.

Is anyone going through that? is it still affecting other parts of your lives months and years out? I want to go back to enjoying my life. How do i get there?


DDay 9/30/11
DDay 3/13/12
Separated 11/10/2012

Posts: 154 | Registered: Mar 2012
TXMommy
Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)

Everyday I'm losing my umph. I want to come home and sleep. I don't want to do chores, I don't want to go out. I just want to read novels and sleep. I have no drive to want to do anything else.

Is anyone going through that? is it still affecting other parts of your lives months and years out? I want to go back to enjoying my life. How do i get there?

I could write this... And, it's almost 2 years out for us. I'm not sure if it's normal, however. My WH works out of the state 4 out of every 6 weeks. It's been hard for me to connect with him since the A, but about a year ago, he started THIS job, and I feel like our relationship is at a complete standstill. It hasn't gotten worse, but the very little that has gotten better is minimal. I love him, I think. Sometimes I just question if I tell myself I love him because I WANT to love him.


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Trudging through R.

Posts: 593 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
freebird0120
New Member
Member # 33613
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)

I too am in limbo. It's the worst feeling to know that you will do whatever it takes, compromise yourself to try to make a difference.

I call him my husband because we've been together going on 15 years now, but we aren't legally married, just common law.

Aug. 2011 is when I found out about OW. First I got the ILYBINILWY speel...long story short I was yoyo'd back and forth for about 3 months. He'd say he wanted to work on it, then didn't, then did, you get the idea. Nov. 2011 my daughter and I moved out and he fell apart. Ended it with OW (whom he works with) and asked us to come back. We did and things were going ok. I was still dealing with all of the pain that infidelity brings on, but I was doing pretty good until last week when I found out he'd been calling her again on their work phones. Lied to me and then admitted it. Since then he's been down and depressed. Says he loves me and wants to work it out, but feels lost and alone. Says he doesn't have anyone he can talk to. (OW was his ear and shoulder to cry on before they took it too far.)Says he doesn't know where he fits in or belongs.

Why do they always make it about them. I'm dealing with some pretty heavy stuff myself, but still want to be there for him and ease his pain. What about me though...
I don't know how much more I can take...


Me: BS 40
Him: FWH 39
Together 16 years
DD: 14
DS: 19
D-Day Aug. 2011 and multiple Ddays thru Oct.2011
Nov. 2011 Moved out with DD and moved back in 2 weeks later.
May 2012 found out he'd called OW again.
DDay August 18, 2014 UGH AGAIN??

Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: FREEBIRD0120
FrozenTear
Member
Member # 32680
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, May 26th (Saturday)

TXMommy, I completely been asking myself that questions lately. We been working on it but the work I have asked him to do is a stand still right now and I feel like I want to give up. I know I love him but right now I really don't know if I really want to value that emotion at all, especially with him.


BS (me/wife)
WS (husband)
Last DD (12/14/2010)
Together since Dec, 19th 2006

"Chaos begins to multiply, exponential memories overide my sympathies."


Posts: 163 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: USA
FrozenTear
Member
Member # 32680
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, May 26th (Saturday)

@hopefulfutur, I was like that last summer and autumn. The 1 year mark of his melt-down really hit me a lot harder than I thought. From October 15th - December 19th to me is now a blackout zone. I am dreading it coming around again. It was year before that when he was having online and fantasies A with people (took him 3 weeks to remember every one...hopefully) and there are times now where I just want to focus on a project and not think, feel or deal with him or the 'home' that he helped shatter.

I did feel better after the holidays. I forced myself to take a couple of classes and go to work for a friend in helping her with her business and started too feel more energy...at least towards my life. My house is still a wreck and 'maintaining' the home at all is a struggle for me.


BS (me/wife)
WS (husband)
Last DD (12/14/2010)
Together since Dec, 19th 2006

"Chaos begins to multiply, exponential memories overide my sympathies."


Posts: 163 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: USA
mitz66
Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, May 26th (Saturday)

I think I will post here. 5 yrs of limbo coming up. Everytime I think we are getting somewhere, I find out he is still in contact with ow. I am getting to a decision however. I will wait until my sons wedding is over this summer, then I will get myself of the limbo fence. My irl friend says I should do what is right for me now rather than wait.

I don't want drama to surround the wedding. I lasted this long what is another few months. Glad this thread is here and I hate that we are stuck.


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jan 2008
noescape
Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, May 27th (Sunday)

and I want so much for them to see a loving, happy marriage between their parents. How can I do that when the most I feel for him MOST of the time is tolerance?

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
So painful
Member
Member # 18167
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, May 29th (Tuesday)

Four years and four months since Dday.

I wasn’t in limbo initially. I truly thought we were on the road to R. But as the rose colored glasses have slowly come off it’s apparent that in four years we’ve only managed to achieve limbo status.

WH still works with OW. No amount of pleading or prodding will change that. The A is over but he believes that a minimum level of “cordialness” around her is necessary to “keep up appearances” for the sake of his job. Problem is he keeps the majority of this to himself. Still omits, minimizes and even lies to protect himself. Not just about contact with her, other things as well. In general, however, WH and I get along quite well under the circumstances.

I read the stories here and see heart breaking situations of people in limbo who truly have no way out. That’s not my situation. Our children are grown and on their own. I have a job that would not lavishly but comfortably support me. Excellent health. No substantial debt and one of the first things I did four years ago was start setting a little money aside that he knew nothing about. I have even paid a retainer to a divorce attorney.

I’ve been in IC off and on trying to figure out WHY I’m still willing to sit here in Limbo. I tell my IC it’s because of our children. Even though they are grown adults with children of their own I can’t easily do something that will bring their world crashing down upon them.

I’m sure the real truth is fear. Fear of what I just haven’t been able to figure out yet. It's not the fear of being alone. It's not the fear of "what if" because I know now I'm never going to get the kind of R that I need. In the meantime, I go through the motions day after day.

Thanks for listening. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.


Me: BS - 57
Him: WH - 59
Status: Uncertain

Posts: 799 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Midwest
Hera
Member
Member # 35235
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 31st (Thursday)

A friend of mine told me that his divorce was very hard on his children, who were in high school and college at the time. He honestly believes it's almost harder for them than when they're younger. I don't know if that's true.

I'm in limbo, can't really bring myself to visit "Reconciliation" too often. You can't have R from one side only.

WH is NOT remorseful. He seems angrier with me than I am with him. He's angry that I snoop from time to time. He's angry I don't trust him. He's probably angry about a lot of other things, but he won't tell me what it is.

Where I'm trying to rebuild some kind of connection, he's distant and irritable.

I wish he'd come to counseling with me, but so far he refuses.

OW still works for him and will for at least another year or so. They are still in non-work related, outside of work hours contact. He deletes his phone records religiously, but once in awhile he'll slip and I get to see evidence.

I want to stop the snooping, but his behavior is still threatening any chance there still may be for us. I do not want a divorce, but it may come to that if I can't find a certain level of contentment and peace in my own mind. I can't do that alone, I need something, anything almost, coming from him too.

It's sad.


D-Day: Feb 2012
Me BS
WH --> OW half his age - an employee
3 kids (1 ours 2 his)

Posts: 170 | Registered: Apr 2012
itispainful
New Member
Member # 32313
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 10th (Sunday)

Hello Friends. That you to the staff for posting this topic. I have been in limbo for 2 1/2 long years. The thoughts of being betrayed are on my mind 24/7 and I would love to move on. However my WS has just swept it all under the rug. He is treating me like a queen and has given up the A, yet he won't go to MC or discuss it all. I have no idea what to do.


Married 28 years
Together 35 years
Dday 2/9/10
2 grown children

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2011
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, June 10th (Sunday)

itispainful,

He may be treating you like a queen, but it sounds like he's not giving you what you want or need: Genuine resolution. I'm hoping that if he is refusing MC, that you are involved in IC for yourself. Hopefully you will find some resolution on your own... whatever that may be.


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
itispainful
New Member
Member # 32313
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 11th (Monday)

Before yesterday, I had not posted in a long time. Now I finally have found a topic that I think I can relate to. Hugs to all here. Your posts really speak to me.

It is such a hard decision to consider leaving even though I know that reconciliation can't fully happen when I am the only one working on it. I have finally had moments where I can speak freely in front of my H without him getting angry at me. Perhaps that is progress.

We,too, have grown children and I don't want to ruin their world with our divorce. However, it is pretty awful being the one who is carrying around the entire burden of this betrayal. I am sure the fact that my parents divorced when I was a child plays a part in all of this. I never wanted that for my kids.

I feel like I am rambling, but know that it is helpful to finally discuss this with someone who really understands. I have great IC, but this is nice.

I would never wish this on anyone, so know I am thinking about you all and hope this day brings some comfort.


Married 28 years
Together 35 years
Dday 2/9/10
2 grown children

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2011
notparanoid
Member
Member # 8067
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, June 13th (Wednesday)

This is another great thread. Limbo truly describes where we are right now... I'm miserable, can't afford to leave. I'm lonely, sad, mistrustful.... I try not to be bitter, but I just keep thinking of all the things I COULD HAVE DONE besides THIS. I did get two great kids out of it, but the rest?? The rest I could have done without and now here I sit, in limbo, for at least another year....


Me-52
WH-50
Married 29 + years
The REAL DDAY-5/25/05

http://patti-henry.com/
Hubby had a stroke 3-4-09 - working hard at recovering.

He decided to spend his days looking up old sluts on FB from years past.... Where are we now?


Posts: 885 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Somewhere I've not been before
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 13th (Wednesday)

This thread also speaks to me...I wasn't in limbo either for the first 2 years ..just trying to R and regain trust and make sure he wasn't breaking NC. But, in the last 6 months, I am entering a new phase I guess...the reality that life will be very different from now on even if he doesn't ever cheat again is becoming clear. The reality of my life with him for the last 35+ years is seen in a new light and I find myself mentally preparing for an inevitable change...just not sure what it is/will be. I am not sure if I am more or less confused than I was 21/2 years ago when it all hit the fan. Then there is the fear factor...fear of the unknown.

I have imagined different scenarios and the effect they have on others in my life and financial things etc...it is less or more comlicated for different people and situations, but I truely believe there is ALWAYS a way out and a way to change your life for the better.

I am starting to go through the motions of life ... puchasing items, paying bills, planning my retirement, taking care of my house....etc...with a feeling that everything is temporary...very temporary. Plans for 1, 2, 5, 10 years are just a blur...so very different than most of my life has been before the A.


Posts: 618 | Registered: Nov 2010
itispainful
New Member
Member # 32313
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 13th (Wednesday)

When D day first happened, with all the shock and disgust, I still felt all sorts of passion for my WS. Strange, but true. So, I really wanted full R and he was really being wonderful, although he is not the kind of man to talk and share about the A. But his actions spoke loudly and R felt right.

Now, I find myself thinking more about life on my own. I know that no matter what, I will carry this betrayl with me the rest of my life. I am changed.....less trusting, more cynical, and very hurt.

But, I stay in order to keep our family intact. I have been with this man for 33 years and the thought of re-inventing myself is overwhelming! Also, we are friends and continue to have fun together. If I am sounding conflicted, it is because I am.


Married 28 years
Together 35 years
Dday 2/9/10
2 grown children

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2011
Arais
Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)

itispainful
I can relate. I loved my WH so deeply and for so long that even in bad times I couldn't imagine - didnt want to imagine life without him. Now? I fantasize about being alone.Living alone, doing my own thing and not having to deal with this A stuff all day everyday. He can't deal with telling me the details and believes if we keep being together, enjoying each others company it will all work out. That is not going to happen. I still like being with him, he is a very interesting man and a good companion but it is all empty. So yeah I do dream about being free of this. Can I make that final decision to leave though that is the big question.What about our family? How come we have to be the selfless ones and think about others? why can't we just do what they did and say to hell with it : this is what I want and I am going to get it!


EA 18 years ago - found out and ?NC
LTA - 2005-2011 with same woman
DD 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Oct 2011
hellonearth
Member
Member # 11919
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)

itispainful:

I could have typed all that you wrote here, except we haven't been together as long, although it has been well over 1/2 of my life

When D day first happened, with all the shock and disgust, I still felt all sorts of passion for my WS. Strange, but true. So, I really wanted full R and he was really being wonderful, although he is not the kind of man to talk and share about the A. But his actions spoke loudly and R felt right.
Now, I find myself thinking more about life on my own. I know that no matter what, I will carry this betrayl with me the rest of my life. I am changed.....less trusting, more cynical, and very hurt.

But, I stay in order to keep our family intact. I have been with this man for 33 years and the thought of re-inventing myself is overwhelming! Also, we are friends and continue to have fun together. If I am sounding conflicted, it is because I am.


BS-Me-39 FWH-Him-38
Together 23 yrs. 1 son 9 yrs old
Dday#1-Aug 06
TT until Nov 06
False R until Jan 08-too much anger/defensiveness, lack of consistent support from him
S- Jan 08-July 08
Aug 08-Fall 2011-rugsweeping
back in MC and IC trying

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada
itispainful
New Member
Member # 32313
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, June 14th (Thursday)

It is an amazing feeling to hear from those who truly understand. Thank you. I really love my IC, however I have often realized that she just hasn't lived with the awful heart-wrenching pain of betrayal and the resulting wild mood swings. I send all good wishes and hugs to you, the support I am now feeling is so nice.

Question, even though I think of leaving often, will I ever be free of this pain? What do you think?


Married 28 years
Together 35 years
Dday 2/9/10
2 grown children

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2011
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, June 21st (Thursday)

Just found this thread. I tried to read all the pages of posts, but some days, I get to the point that "I can't read any more." I can't believe there is this much pain in the world.

I am totally in limbo. My husband's infidelity was 6+ years ago ... I found out a little over 5 years ago. At first, he answered questions, but I wasn't buying any of it. I don't know if I believe there was MORE infidelity than he admitted, but I know the details about the infidelity were not legit. (To this day, he still holds that he wasn't being sexual when he sent a picture of his erect penis to a stranger on the internet...she said she wanted to see it, and he remembered he had this picture of when he as with the prostitute. Or that he was on "Find A Mate" just to "talk" with someone. Or that his experience with the prostitute sickened him - my question would be...then why were you snapping pictures? And do prostitutes "fix" in the mirror, and take all their clothes off to give a BJ?) OK - got off on a rant there, sorry.

After a while of my hysterics, and his answering questions in ways I could not accept, he no longer would talk about it. Now, if I bring it up, he rolls his eyes, looks at the clock, and says, "If I didn't care, I wouldn't sit here and listen to this!"

And still, I am in limbo. I think there is something wrong with him, (unbelievable FOO issues - dad put a gun to his head and told him to call his mother a WHORE - which he refused to do).

He says he feels shame and guilt, and that he knows I will never get over it, and he actually says he has given up on having true reconciliation - and yet he stays. When I tell him that this is not healthy, he tells me to do what I have to do, or he will ask, "Do you want me to leave, or do you want to leave? Just tell me what to do."

Sometimes he tells me that he doesn't know what else to do to make things better. I ask, "Do you want me to give you a list?" He says no.

I don't know why I don't leave. Honestly, part of it is probably because I am old, let my career go to raise our kids, have no way to make money, and the kids would be devastated. Also, my husband has a disability, and my kids have special needs.

But if I am totally honest, I would have to say that its because I have a slimmer of hope that one day he will "get it" and we can be as happy as possible for the rest of our lives.

Not proud of it, but that's my situation. I guess at some point I might get fed up, but my guess is that he will die, he will not ever be truly outwardly remorseful, and I will then have no way to cling to hope.

Sorry for this downer post.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
nofun
Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 28th (Thursday)

Wow...so many of us in the same place. It's been 3 yrs since dday and I have always had one foot out the door.

My H rugsweeps, keeps telling me that was in the past, let's move forward. If I hear that one more time I'm going to scream. There is so much that has happened during his 12 year LTA that I will never have full disclosure.

I think the reason I stay is fear based. Not afraid of being alone, but fear that my standard of living will be less than what it is now. It has been me that worked so hard and have gotten us to where we are financially.

It's sad to think how I could immediately go from loving my H to having no connection whatsoever now. The rose colored glasses are off and I now see a man with issues that will never be resolved. He lies, exaggerates, omits, etc.

I thought I was the only one that felt this way...

Those of you that are in IC, has it helped any of you to see clearer as to what you should or shouldn't do?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 988 | Registered: Jun 2009
itispainful
New Member
Member # 32313
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 29th (Friday)

It is amazing that so many of us have a rug sweeping H. I go to IC because I really need someone to talk to about this. I have gone to a few trusted friends and to my sister, but now it is clear that I am being judged for staying with my H for so long. In IC, I feel I get to air all my concerns in a safe environment.

I still hope for clarity about what I should do. I made it clear to my H over 2 years ago that I would give him the second chance he asked for, but would leave in a heartbeat if he cheated again. So far, so good and that is the approach I stick to for now. Not easy, but no choice is going to be easy for us.

Good luck, and I hope you can find a good IC.


Married 28 years
Together 35 years
Dday 2/9/10
2 grown children

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2011
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 29th (Friday)

Fear of what I just haven’t been able to figure out yet

"the only thing to fear is fear itself"

I think that is one fo the truest things ever said.

What we often fear is the unknown.

I think for a lot us we fear stepping outside of our comfort zone, even when we are not happy in our comfort zone

However, I absolutely understand you not wanting to disrupt the family.

I think about that too. yes our kids are grown, and yes they know what happened, but we are a family, albeit a dmaged family, not the same as we were before Dday. This (the plave H and I live), is home, not just for him and me, but for our kids. They don't have to live here for it to be home, but it is like the mother ship, the "safe" place they can always return to if they need to. The place where we can all be together, and the place that ione day I hope they will bring their kids to.

So much has been lost, so much has been tarnished, so many things that I had hoped and dreamed will not come true now. But the one hope I stil have is that there will be Grandchildren, and that we will still be a family, that our Grandkids won't be part of a divided family.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
neverendinghurt
Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 29th (Friday)

I don't feel as though I am in limbo any longer, though some will say that I am as we are still neither reconciled or seperated.

It isn't that I can't decide what I want now, I have made my choice. And for now at least, my choise is to continue to live as we are.

Life is good in so many ways.

I don't need romantic love in my life, I don't need that kind of relationship, I don't need a man to make me happy.

I miss sex, oh hell do I miss sex, but hey, there are worse things than flying solo.

I am being the best that I can be and making the best of my life as it is.

Things could be worse.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26043 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 29th (Friday)

this:
milia said: The problem with limbo it seems is that none of us are getting what we actually want/need to heal and fix things.
Too many unresolved issues.
Healing is difficult like this, at least for me. I want to know that I matter. It hurts to be inconsequential,

My limbo is also rooted in the realization that my H kept me in limbo during our entire M, never listening to my input, but always making me look like I was the wrong one. For 19 years I followed him around, pulling on the dog leash when I knew he was going the wrong direction, only to be dragged along and thrown morsels so I would not pull so hard, and would follow him.

I made choices based on his words, and pretenses. Those choices changed my life drastically. Then, after 19 years he decided to chuck me and the promises we had made to our children and asked for a D to M OW.

Now he is back to trying to convince me with words. "Believe my words....just give me more time to show you through my actions." DDays #2 and #3 were a wake up call to me: he didn't just make a "mistake," he is a liar, and will do anything to take care of his immediate needs/wants. Every day I don't have a post nup in my hand, I can't trust, and I think I am giving him one day too many. I should have been talking with the D lawyer yesterday, but H keeps promising the post nup, to put down roots, get a home for us, and I know that if he really does that, every minute of it he will be resenting it, because that is what he learned in his FOO.

D would stop my limbo. Life would be difficult for a while, but eventually I would find the safety and predictability I yearn for....counting on myself, and no one else. But I keep waiting for H to come through, since he is saying he is "committed to the M."


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 29th (Friday)

neverendinghurt:
but we are a family, albeit a dmaged family, not the same as we were before Dday. This (the plave H and I live), is home, not just for him and me, but for our kids. They don't have to live here for it to be home, but it is like the mother ship, the "safe" place they can always return to if they need to. The place where we can all be together, and the place that ione day I hope they will bring their kids to.

So much has been lost, so much has been tarnished, so many things that I had hoped and dreamed will not come true now. But the one hope I stil have is that there will be Grandchildren, and that we will still be a family, that our Grandkids won't be part of a divided family.

my feelings exactly. H came from a broken family, and that is partly why he is "damaged." He has no "mother ship" his mom moves and vacations regulary with her 3rd and now 4th H. His dad is a drag on his step mom, who is the rudder for her own children.

My own family wasn't exactly "healthy" but my parents were devoted to each other, shared their dreams, and remained faithful until death. Their mutual love left me with a wonderful gift, which I wish I could give my own children.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday)

Those of you that are in IC, has it helped any of you to see clearer as to what you should or shouldn't do?

nofun...your sitch is very similar to mine...in our late 50s, kids are 20 something but at home, WH had 2 A's with same OW ...old gf...the first about 20 years ago and last one 3 years ago...I found out about both in 2009...the rose colored glasses are definately off. My fWH is also the king of rugsweeping. Other than the off and on suspicion now and then and the fact that I have gone through incredible changes in my perspective of my whole adult life, our days together are mostly good. I will, however, be on this fence forever I do believe.
I think it is important to have someone to talk to ongoing...I do not have anyone now b/c I/we never told anyone...I did start seeing a really good IC about 4 month after dday and continued to see her weekly, bi-weeekly, then monthly for over a year..she literally saved my sanity.I haven't seen her in almost a year...I have been fine, but have considered counseling again. My IC had a lot of experience and was great in her ability to help me find myself and pull myself up, but I don't think she had a lot of experience with the effects of infidelity. At some point we probably needed marriage counseling, but you don't do that alone. I feel that I need someone to help me get past the things I don't know...the unanswered questions, the mind movies and the missing puzzle pieces I will never have...I need someone to help me with that...maybe I should go to MC alone.


Posts: 618 | Registered: Nov 2010
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday)

Okay, I have been living in limbo or denial for 40 years. I know how sad that sounds, but when I look back over my life since 1972 I can't remember a single weekend not thinking it was going to be my last.

I have a love/hate relationship. A child/parent relationship too. We don't have children, so can't say I stay for them.

All I see is a blinking curser.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, July 5th (Thursday)

Wow, Heart...blender. That is along time to be in denial/limbo. I think maybe for me it has been almost 40 years of denial...I really did not see infidelity coming...was totally blindsided, but now that it has happened and I know I missed it the first time 20 years ago, I will never get to a place where I don't expect it to happen again, or at least know that it won't...so now i am no longer in denial. Now it is limbo. It changes so much to not be able to see your life in clear focus a month from now, or a year, or 5 years.

Posts: 618 | Registered: Nov 2010
nofun
Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)

The one thing that bothers me the most about being in Limbo is the lost connection. I don't feel the connection at all and I know I never will. There is no intimacy in our relationship anymore. The mind movies kill me.

I hate the thought of him touching me let alone having sex.

What do you do? Are you still having sex? Limbo is confusing enough and then add sex to the equation.

This is the most painful experience of my life and yet, like everyone else here, all I think about is everyone else and how a divorce will affect my children and even my H. I too know it's fear, but what I am afraid of I'm not sure.

Hugs to all.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 988 | Registered: Jun 2009
So painful
Member
Member # 18167
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 10th (Tuesday)

nofun

Yes, we still have sex. Not as often nor as intimately. There are certain "things" I don't feel inclined to want to do anymore because, under the circumstances, it feels like giving too much of myself away. It's also gotten to the point that I usually feel rather empty afterwards.

I understand your comment about the lost connection. My H and I get along fine on a daily basis and he's giving as much as he can to make the situation right I suppose. But it's just not the things I need him to give and we can't seem to get over this obstacle. I don't expect we ever will.

This is the most painful experience of my life and yet, like everyone else here, all I think about is everyone else and how a divorce will affect my children and even my H. I too know it's fear, but what I am afraid of I'm not sure.

My feelings exactly.

I just read through the last couple of pages on this topic and, as a general observation, see several of us here in almost the exact same circumstances. Mature women in long-term marriages with families (or without) who are fearful of change or the unknown or something else we cannot define.

For me, destroying my family by divorcing my H would break what is left of my heart. I can't stand the thought that the whole ugly A would be exposed for them to see. As someone else mentioned, I, too, feel entitled to keep the lifestyle I know I've worked hard for. I wish it weren't so but it is.

So very many reasons so many of us are in our own Limbo hell. I wish I could sit with each one of you and hold your hand so you would know you are not alone.


Me: BS - 57
Him: WH - 59
Status: Uncertain

Posts: 799 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Midwest
gonogo1
Member
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, July 12th (Thursday)

Maybe this is we're I belong . I have been S from WH for 3years , not a legal S.Have been sitting on the papers couldn't figure out why I haven't sent them .Well I can live alone proved that , I am resourceful enough to support myself if I need to , I have a large social circle.I am making myself happy and I am less angry . I have used this 3 years to work on me . WH wants to come home ,A over regrets the whole thing , grass not greener on other side of the fence , crazier over there , go figure .Can I trust him , no not yet , can he be open honest don't know yet . I am willing to see if this has a future but he has to do work on himself and not blame shift .Before I take him back I want a post nuptial agreement to protect me .He has to go into councilling .Still in limbo land .But I can see clearer now, this gives me peace and is the right decesion for me . I may eventually decide to D who knows . Another A would be a deal breaker.

[This message edited by gonogo1 at 6:09 AM, July 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
So painful
Member
Member # 18167
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 12th (Thursday)

(((gonogo1)))

I'm sorry you've ended up here in Limbo.

You sound like an incredibly strong woman and you deserve to be proud of yourself for your accomplishments. I agree that a post-nup should be a requirement before even thinking about letting him back into your home. Have the two of you ever tried MC? Now might be a good time to give it a try.


Me: BS - 57
Him: WH - 59
Status: Uncertain

Posts: 799 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Midwest
gonogo1
Member
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 12th (Thursday)

Yes , we gave MC a spin in 2010 I didn't know he had taken the A underground. We had not moved back in together . Right now I'm asking myself What's different . Apparently AP has gone south , he has his head pulled slightly out of his ass but who knows . I can move on if he's sucking me in again .Which I cannot forget . He is still blame shifting and IC for him is necessary . MC this time he pays for everything as I don't plan to pay a cent to fix this .He needs IC first . If he doesn't arrange it , game over , next .

Posts: 1627 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
So painful
Member
Member # 18167
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 12th (Thursday)

gonogo - You don't NEED him in your life. You've proven that. If you think you might WANT him in your life then asking him to get into IC and, perhaps later, MC is a good strategy. It will give yourself time to watch what he does and access how it will affect you. You can, and should, set the pace for any attempt to get back together.

How recently did the AP go south? Please don't be tricked into letting him treat you like a "back-up plan"!


Me: BS - 57
Him: WH - 59
Status: Uncertain

Posts: 799 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Midwest
gonogo1
Member
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 12th (Thursday)

She apparently has been out of the picture for about a year , fishing occasionally. She is psycho so no thought to return there . I have been thinking this evening to continue with Seperation Agreement as it has all the elements I require for my financial protection . IC and MC are slow processes , and I don't plan to spend too much more time at this unless there is progress .it won't impede my dating life as there is none .
I don't think I am a very soft place to land as I tore strips off him the other evening , some pent up anger for him to listen to finally . He is conflict avoident .The Seperation Agreement may send him running .This is so typical of US. Lol . It took us 3 years to buy a house . Haha It will take us 10 years to D .


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
SGRBEET
Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 12th (Thursday)

I am finally doing it....I scheduled a polygraph for my husband for tomorrow and I am very nervous. He is very angry that I am resorting to this but he has been lying and tt'ing me to death for the last 2 1/2 years. I need to know that he isn't lying about what he did so I can move on from this.

I was totally blindsided when I found out I had HPV and cervical cancer and even then he said "he didn't do anything!". He has since told me that he was "inappropriate" with a stripper and that's basically it. I don't believe him.

Say a prayer for me that I will be strong enough to see this through.

I need to get out of this "limbo hell" I am in. How can you ever find peace when you don't have the pieces????

[This message edited by SGRBEET at 8:20 PM, July 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
gonogo1
Member
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, July 13th (Friday)

I hear you

I need to get out of this "limbo hell" I am in. How can you ever find peace when you don't have the pieces????

Good luck with the poly , That is what I need to do .

Posts: 1627 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
gonogo1
Member
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, July 16th (Monday)

Moving forward . Will ask lawyer to initiate Seperation Agreement next week if WH does not show any action toward R arranging C or discussing my emotional or financial safety .

Posts: 1627 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
So painful
Member
Member # 18167
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 17th (Tuesday)

(((gonogo)))

As hard as it might be, you have to do what is necessary to take care of yourself.


Me: BS - 57
Him: WH - 59
Status: Uncertain

Posts: 799 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Midwest
SGRBEET
Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)

He took the polygraph and failed..............im devastated beyond belief. He lied about so many things. He even tried to deny it when I showed him the results. I can't believe I was married to this person.

I was so devastated that I drank to the point that I passed out to get rid of the pain.

I don't know if I can go on.....I am talking to the counselor and psychiatrist about all this but the pain in unbearable.

I can't figure out what I did wrong to have him do this to me. What could I have done that was so horrible that I deserved this?

I am unable to eat or sleep and I have been crying all day and night. I can't even look at him without feeling disgust and despair.

How do I go on?


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
So painful
Member
Member # 18167
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)

(((SGRBEET)))

I am so very, very sorry things turned out this way.

I can't figure out what I did wrong to have him do this to me. What could I have done that was so horrible that I deserved this?

The answer is NOTHING and NOTHING. I know you've probably heard this before but there is nothing wrong with YOU. He's the one that's messed up.

You can go on and you will go on. It's unbearable right now but you WILL get your legs back under you again. You need some time to process this. Grieve the loss you have just suffered (and it was a loss). Cry it out. Let the counselor and psychiatrist help you. Figure out what you want to do. You will go on.

I know you are feeling lower than low right now. Do your best to take care of yourself. Try to eat a little something. You need all your strength.

(((big hugs)))


Me: BS - 57
Him: WH - 59
Status: Uncertain

Posts: 799 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Midwest
SGRBEET
Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you So Painful.

I can't explain this to any of my friends or family. It's beyond belief what he has done.

If it wasn't for my kids, I don't think I would still be here.

I am trying my best....whatever that is...I don't have the skills to deal with this devastation.

Thank you for all of your support.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
So painful
Member
Member # 18167
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 18th (Wednesday)

SGRBEET

It's just getting through minute by minute. One foot in front of the other. That's the only way to deal with this kind of devastation.

You are probably still in shock. Once that subsides you will be able to see things more clearly. In the meantime, do continue to try to take care of yourself as best you can. Your kiddos need you.


Me: BS - 57
Him: WH - 59
Status: Uncertain

Posts: 799 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Midwest
gonogo1
Member
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 18th (Wednesday)

(((SGRBEET))) One breath at a time , a deep one let it out slowly and another .You will get through this , don 't drink it will only
Ale you more depressed. , read everything you can get your hands on to help you . It's about you and the kids now .Contact a lawyer re your legal rights .Pray , exercise , eat , distract yourself with something you like to do , post . It sucks this has happened to you . You will survive this , the best thing about this for me is how I have grown over the last 3 years .How much patience I have acquired .Cry be angry , grieve you have to go through it not around it .

Posts: 1627 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
itispainful
New Member
Member # 32313
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, July 20th (Friday)

((SGRBEET))

Hang in there. I am so sorry you have to go through this, but know we are here for you and we totally understand. Like So Painful, I wish we could all hold hands and physically be there.

My H also said that all he did was something that went "too far" with a stripper. That hurts too. It was gas on the fire. My heart and soul are with you.


Married 28 years
Together 35 years
Dday 2/9/10
2 grown children

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2011
SGRBEET
Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, July 20th (Friday)

itis painful....thank you!

I saw my psychiatrist today and we discussed separating. I think it is the only option. I can't live like this anymore. The pain of him being here still lying to me and himself about who he is and what he did is unbearable.

I have to get out of this marriage..........


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, August 15th (Wednesday)

Question for those in limbo...

Are you doing the 180, working on yourself? Are you in IC, WS in IC or in MC?

We had a rough week last week. WH had vacation so I took the week off, unpaid which affects my bills. (WH & I still have everything separate)

Horrible, horrible week, arguements, fighting, nasty words both ways. The thing is that we are both stuck here financially. WH could up & leave like he did a few years ago and I really expect that is what will eventually happen....that and he will cheat again.

This just really sucks, worse than when he was in the A.

I do not feel that he is in an A now. Nor are we in R.

WH started with a new IC last night. When he got home I was watching a movie with DS. WH sat down & watched the remainder of the movie. I asked a question about the movie (not specifically to WH or DS) WH answered.

When the movie ended, I took the DVD out, went & got ready & went to bed. No words spoken by either of us. I was waiting for WH to initiate a conversation about his IC appt, tell me how it went, but nothing. WH got up & went in for OT this morning. No goodbye, no text when he went on break. Nothing.

He did say last week that he thought the IC was going to advise him to D me. (I also told him last week that the IC that I was seeing during & right after his A advised me to D WH...)

Anyway, just getting this out as there is no one IRL that I can talk to about anything.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 16th (Thursday)

Can I join this ICR thread?

I've been here on SI since Aug. 2009, when my H confessed a stupid drunken ONS to me. Well, I immediately started posting in R, knew that was the right thing, etc. Things seemed ok for a while but went downhill again the more he started drinking more . . . I had no trust, always checking up, never finding a smoking gun, but just enough to get me upset, he reacted against my upset by locking his electronics down, etc. We've gone back and forth about getting divorced. He filed June 12. Now he says he wants to stop the divorce (said this almost two weeks ago - yet has STILL not contacted his lawyer to stop it), go to counseling,etc. Only caveat - I'm supposed to "let everything go" - including the original ONS, the emails I found that he CLAIMS were just to a friend, the fact that he started texting with his ex after he filed D, the fact that he kissed another woman at a bar and gave her his number/texted with her for a while (But Jana, we were getting divorced!) while all the while telling me that he still loved me/sleeping with me, etc.

It's a lot to get past and I feel like an idiot. But I also can't seem to stop fighting to keep us together, even though I know if I didn't have my daughter, I'd run like hell. I know "but he's a good dad" gets thrown around a LOT on here, but he is. A great dad. And we are a good team as parents, and I don't want to give that up if there's a chance we can make it work.

I'm SO scared. The lady who did our marriage counseling has been out of town for three weeks. She's coming back next week. I think she knows exactly what's going on with him/in his head and I'm praying that she can get through to him. I think he WANTS to be a good husband but he needs to fix his shit and right now he is SO super defensive. I just don't know what to do.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6923 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
cssyma
New Member
Member # 32411
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, August 23rd (Thursday)

icbtih8 - I could have written your post myself.
yes I have a remorseful WH who has tried to do almost everything possible to help me heal. But it wasn't enough for me. I had to determine first of all if I could R. Given my personality, my fears, my risk sensitivity, and my intuition (or lack thereof), and the fact that my WH's A were emotionless for the most part, I realized I *could not* R. What he was doing now was irrelevant to my decision.

I bounce back and forth as to whether or not to leave - but most of the time I feel like I can't go on. More than anything I want peace. My WH works very hard at repairing the marriage and trying to make me feel special - but it just isn't enough. I know in my heart that I really don't want R because that would mean accepting what he did. It wasn't just the strippers and the affair, but the secret email address, the secret credit card, the trip with her while I was visiting my parents, etc. He says he is a different person now, but I can't believe that it will never happen again because at your core you are who you are. The pain dulls at times, but when I do recall everything, I think, "How could I stay with someone who had so little respect for me?"

DD 07/10


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2011
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, August 24th (Friday)

It's been only 2.5 weeks since DDay for me, so I think "limbo" is a pretty accurate description.

WH has given me the ILYBINILWY speech, and has pretty much said I should leave him.

I'm cycling through pain, depression, doubt, etc (denial and shock, woo). I'm trying to 180 -- but other than presenting a front of dignity to WH (e.g. not letting him see me cry or anything like that), I'm pretty deep in the "want to stay in bed and just sleep" all the time. It hurts. It really, really hurts.

Trying to get into counseling for myself, but my counselor is also out of town for the next two weeks. Trying to just hang on.

(((hugs))) for anyone who needs it. I kind of need them, too.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, August 24th (Friday)

((justjul)) 2.5 weeks is so fresh. I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

Why do counselors go out of town at the worst times?!?! Don't they know they are too important to us to have personal lives?? Ours just got back after 3 weeks.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6923 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
soveryweary
Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, August 24th (Friday)

Thought we were in reconcilliation, but I realized today I have not moved on from Limbo.
Been 9 months since what I hope was final DD.
cssyma, I am totally where you are at.
How will I ever believe a work out of the mouth of a man who lied to me for 2.5 years.
Had 2 fake emails I know about to correspond with her, a fake FB acct.
Saw me go through hell and back over and over again for over 2 years.
Someone posted a topic: How can you expect to get the truth from a liar?
That hits the nail right on the head.


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 628 | Registered: May 2011
hurt314
Member
Member # 31042
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, September 1st (Saturday)

Hey, just wanted to say hi. I haven't posted much lately in General or R because I feel like I have nothing left to say - but reading this thread, this IS what I have to say.

I'm staying married because I'm scared to do anything else. Scared to hurt my kids more. Scared to be divorced. Scared to lose more time with my children. I'm trapped here, but I feel like I did it to myself so I should just suck it up and shut up.

I just get so lonely. I feel so alone all the time. I have no one to talk to. No one who can understand. I have friends that care but they just pity me. I think they understand why I won't leave but they can't do anything to help either.

I just feel like I'm so trapped by life until I get old and can run away.


Me-W-34
Him 36.
3 little girls.
He ruined our lives. Currently married and trying to make the best life for my children. There is no hope for us but I have hope for them.

Posts: 713 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Not Portland, Oregon... But close
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, September 1st (Saturday)

Hugs to everyone in Limbo today.

I think it's one of the hardest spaces to be in, post DDay.

Just wanted to say that you are all heard, and there is nothing to feel ashamed of for not having all the answers. We just try to do the best we can with what we're given.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18314 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
lastin12
Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, September 1st (Saturday)

Hi! I've moved out 3 times since January.. the last time was 5 weeks ago because he got caught in the internet. I told WH who is a SA that I needed disclosure before I could even attempt R. After 5 weeks, I finally got it. Boy, it was way more than I ever expected. He said from what he can remember 10-15 ONS and sex a few times at sex parties. I wanted to vomited and still do. I haven't had much to eat the last few days. I feel so lost right now.nnI'm not sure that I'm in limbo anymore or not. I pretty sure I'm going to file. I guess I'm struggling with the fact that I don't hate him and actually feel bad for him. I'm starting to feel bad for wanting to leave and start a new life that I deserve.. He's lied to me since before we were married and I don't think I'll ever be able to get past that... He is trying so hard with recovery and IC, but I really just want him to let me go. I hate the hold he has on me...

Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
CallMeRed
Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, September 2nd (Sunday)

My first post in this thread, so hello.

I think I am starting a phase of long term limbo and will be because of my children.

I loved my husband and trusted him implicitly until DDay. I am one of those people who trusts someone until they are proved not to be worthy of it, and then rarely gets that trust back once it is lost.

I now look at my SA husband and I see someone I used to love and trust. I see my childrens' father. And I see someone I feel like is mostly a stranger to me, with ideas and thoughts I don't understand or like.

Part of me thinks R is the way forward. Yet part of me, the part that is making me get everything in order "just in case" is also the part which wonders what would be left between he and I when the children grow up and leave. And struggling to think of many good things.

I feel so very sad about how I am feeling right now.

[This message edited by CallMeRed at 5:18 AM, September 2nd (Sunday)]


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
takingtime
Member
Member # 35661
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, September 2nd (Sunday)

I definitly belong here. My DDay was almost 4 months ago. I feel my WH and I have made progress and for a bit I truly thought we were in R but now I am not sure.

He was showing so many signs of remourse. Saying and doing the right things but I still feel he is hiding so much. He came to me 2 days ago and told me how unsure he is of us. That he has to get over his past before we can have us.

Well I am so tired and confused. half of me wants to throw in the towel and walk away. The other half wants to stay and dig in and keep fighting. I feel like I have fought so long and so hard to get where we are that I am not ready to give up.

UGHHHHHHHH!!! It is so hard to be stuck in limbo. How do you know what is the right decision???

I really do wish I could hate my WH. But i don't. It would make it so much easier if I could. I still love him heart and soul. (As crazy as that sounds) And I have seen the man that I fell in love with once again. I knew he was in there, somewhere.

I am reminded of the song by the clash.....Should I stay or should I go?


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2012
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, September 2nd (Sunday)

JanaGreen,
Why do counselors go out of town at the worst times?!?! Don't they know they are too important to us to have personal lives?? Ours just got back after 3 weeks.

Tell me about it!! My next appointment is this Thursday, and I'm crawling toward it as fast as I can.


I'm just sitting here, with tears sort of "leaking" out. Limbo sucks.

((((hugs))) to everyone here.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, September 2nd (Sunday)

I'm staying married because I'm scared to do anything else. Scared to hurt my kids more. Scared to be divorced. Scared to lose more time with my children. I'm trapped here, but I feel like I did it to myself so I should just suck it up and shut up.

I am afraid a lot now also. I regret taking him back now. I am stuck financially now, We just had an awful day, arguing, he called me a c***, yet again within earshot of the kids. (older, doesn't make it okay) Then he threatened to cancel mine & DS1 car insurance. I cannot afford it on my part time job. He just left to go to dinner by himself, we were supposed to go on a 'date'.

I could not get back in IC this week, hoping for next week. I want to go for a consultation with a L this week.

WH told me that if we D at this point it will be because I cannot get over my anger, not because of his A. Then when I expressed outrage at that comment he flipped it & said yes it would be because he cheated. I believe that he feels the first comment, he is still blaming me for the A & subsequent D.

I cannot live like this any longer.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, September 2nd (Sunday)

(((always-hope))) i hate the fear also. It's like a destructive force that keeps eating me up inside ..I'm sorry you had to go through such an awful day. I hope you're able to go to C next week and L this week. Just going I think is still a step that can give you strength, I think.. (((hugs)))


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)

justjul, thank you. I don't know your story, wish you strength & peace also.

I just talked to an IC and she does not specialize in M/A issues. The IC in that office that does already had my WH as a patient, so she's out. Calling another shortly, hard to find one when my WH has been to about 6 already & theres a short list available here.

Just gotta keep calling til I find one.

Had a bad night last night, I broke stuff & yelled & cursed a lot in a rage. Feel guilty and mad that I feel guilty because if not for the A's (& if WH showed remorse & took responsibility) none of this would be happening.

I used to have a really long fuse, so easy going, hardly ever got angry. Now I am a powder keg with a very short fuse. I have to get that under control, I hate feeling like I am going to blow any minute.

This sucks.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
sickrn
Member
Member # 36398
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)

Limbo is worse than having a clear direction IMO. I can't go anywhere, one day it seems like there's hope, the next, like I'm an idiot for not filing for D right away. Both in IC, separated but he still isn't sure of "what will make him happy or what he needs for his future". What am I waiting for? I did promise to wait until October to make a decision (my BDay) so I feel obligated to do that but WHY did he come home if he didn't want to be married to me? It's so confusing, I'm sorry there are so many of us on this site and this thread...what a mess!


M=23 yrs
DD-22
BW=46
WH=46
DDAY 6/12

In R....trust but verify!

The truth can't hurt you, it's just like the dark.
It scares you witless,
But in time you see things clear and stark - Elvis


Posts: 89 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Purgatory
kchip
Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, September 5th (Wednesday)

Yep. I said I would be 'patient'. She is in IC for now, where she needs to be but MC was cancelled because C said we weren't ready - ugh.
So each day is a test it seems. I don't want a divorce, but being separated makes it really hard imo. Not knowing if NC is being respected. I want to believe her but the rollercoaster takes over.

LIMBO SUCKS


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)

always-hope, oh, hon. I had a really tough time finding an IC, too. My country has very few resources, and it was very frustrating and kind of scary, too.

In fact, I'm still not sure I've found one. The one I managed to see turned out to be an MC (however, my WH is on the fence with C)... but she's willing to see me alone if my WH won't come with me. I think. Only had one session with her so far.

I hope you find an IC too, and more importantly, that s/he is a good fit.

I'm sorry about the anger--especially when it feels like it outs of your control or out of your normal personality. That really does suck. (((hug))) I sometimes hate saying this/hearing this... but hang in there.

also... My WH's OW is also a "friend/whore". UGH.

sickrn, kchip, I'm so sorry you're both here, too. ((hugs)) Limbo really DOES suck.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
navymom1
Member
Member # 36007
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)

Hello guess I am joining the LIMBO group also...almost 8 months since dday, in MC, but WH is still lying,rugsweeping or totally ignoring everything! I have been depressed for days about upcoming 17yr wedding anniversary which the 8 month dday anniversary is the same day and he doesnt even acknowledge there is a problem! As far a remorse haha the only thing he is sorry for is he got caught! I was really hoping to R but as of now its day by day ! I hate feeling like this ! Question though ...What do I do about this anniversary I dread coming up on the 9th?



Me-40
WS-42
Married 1995
DDay# 1995
DDAY#2- Jan 9,2012 2yr EA/PA with howorker
2-DD 22/15 and a son 20 (US NAVY)
Was tryin to R but to many false r. lies upon lies and not helping me heal now Seperated.....

I forgive people, but that


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: New Jersey
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)

Looking for support. Today was the first day I considered myself in limbo. So the story goes... DDay was last November and NC was supposedly established and a couple other rules were established and we jumped into repairing our relationship. From November until April there was TT. SA was finally admitted in April. TT continues still along with half truths, lies, and secrets including broken NC. There seems to be a lot of remorse, transparency, and support, but the honesty is severely lacking. Every time our R seems to be making progress there is another let down. I am tired!!!

WITHOUT HONESTY I WILL NEVER HEAL

[This message edited by Chicho at 4:40 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)]


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)

navymom1, (((((hugs)))) I wish I knew what to suggest about the anniversary. But I wanted you to know you've been heard. (Maybe you could ask for ideas in General? Those not in Limbo might be able to help you in that situation. :) )

Chicho, I'm so sorry. Seems to me that without ANY honesty... all that 'remorse, transparency, and support' ... really isn't genuine or there at all.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
heartlandgirl
New Member
Member # 36740
Concerned  Posted: 3:10 PM, September 6th (Thursday)

I find myself in this holding pattern that has become my life. Every time I receive the all clear from the tower and lower the landing gear something makes me pull back up. I can't keep circling forever, I'm running out of fuel...


know that i love you...know i don't care
know that i see you...know i'm not there

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: small town, Illinois
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, September 6th (Thursday)

Perfect metaphor, heartlandgirl. You might need to make your own runway....

Hugs.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18314 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
navymom1
Member
Member # 36007
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, September 7th (Friday)

The Reasons Our MARRIAGE is OVER !
1. LIES, LIES and more LIES
2. Had to go get my answers from your WHORE and then you choose to let me accept her answers with no explanations.
3. NO Remorse (regret you were caught yes)
4. Ignoring my feelings
5. Ignoring the numerous conversations I have tried to have with you !!!
6. Choosing to ACT like nothing ever happened!
7.Choosing to IGNORE that I SUFFER on a DAILY BASIS
8. No INTIMACY since conversation with your WHORE
9. Lack of contact while at work with WHORE
10. Failure to take MC advice and look into yourself, read his papers..etc...
11. Failure to provide me with a honest,accurate TIMELINE
12. Not LOVING ME and LOVING YOUR WHORE !!!

This is the letter my WH will be recieving today when he gets home after 8 months of one way trying I have come to peace that I can no longer live this way !!! I will no longer live in limbo



Me-40
WS-42
Married 1995
DDay# 1995
DDAY#2- Jan 9,2012 2yr EA/PA with howorker
2-DD 22/15 and a son 20 (US NAVY)
Was tryin to R but to many false r. lies upon lies and not helping me heal now Seperated.....

I forgive people, but that


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: New Jersey
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 7th (Friday)

heartlandgirl, I took a look at your other posts... I'm sending you support (and hoping, hoping that perhaps you might slowly be moving out of limbo. I don't think any one of us wants to be here).

navymom1, (((hugs!!))

I think I crashed and burned in limboland today. All my numbness faded away, and every emotion and thought went haywire. Had a five hour long panic attack. Sobbed so hard until I gagged. And continued to flipflopped between feeling calm and rational to anguished and depressed multiple times every hour. It was like DDay again...and heck if I don't know what's what right now.

Oddly enough, at this moment of the hour, I'm feeling kind of calm. Please send vibes that I can sleep without another panic attack waking me up, if you will.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
notwillingtoquit
New Member
Member # 33696
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)

(((everyone)))

I'm joining in here too...cuz I'm riding the limbo-coaster!

It's been almost 1 yr. since the last DDay, and so far she has respected NC. 90% of the time, my WW shows no remorse and blame-shifts constantly. She refuses MC and says she's just waiting for me to get fed up...

The other day she said "You made me suffer for the first half of our M...now it's your turn!" (WTF?!). Said the affair was the "best thing she ever did". The next day she hugs me and says she's "trying", and asks me to rub her feet! (again...WTF?!)

Like a few others on here, I've stayed because of the kids...the fear...etc., but I think I've had about enough.

After the crazy day mentioned above, I went to a L's office and also booked IC for later this week (finally!)

I know limbo will continue for now, but I need to get some clarity and direction.

I'm just saddened to think that R is not looking likely, and that I may have to D after all :-(


ME = BS
Her = WS
D-Day (#1) = July 23, 2010
PA D-Day = Oct. 20, 2011

Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2011
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)

Limbo sucks. I've "only" been there for 7 weeks now but it feels like an eternity. I'm trying to get my head straight so I can work up the courage to write a "R or let me go" letter. I suppose the unintended weight loss isn't such a bad thing.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, September 12th (Wednesday)

My WH did not agree to NC, actually met with her over the weekend* ... and then went on to treat me extremely nice, a lot of attention, stared at me with a small smile on his face and complimented my new hair cut.

* He hid this from me, but I found texts setting up the meeting. The WTF part is that she offered to get her GF to drive her to him. I.. I don't even know.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
kchip
Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, September 14th (Friday)

I'm hurting.

My WW told me yesterday again that she doesn't know what she wants. I love her and have stopped lashing out at her over the A. She is still in 'love' with mOM, I know it, and it kills me. He lied to her, led her on, and gave her herpes (and me). He went back to his BW after I outed him to his BW on 8/16. My WW says she has had NC and I just don't believe her. We are seperated. My story is complicated (see profile) and the M was not great the last few years. It used to be.

I am also an alcoholic. I've been back in AA since 3 days after Dday. I know so much of what has happened is my fault. I never ever physically hurt my wife, but I know I was not a good husband. I worked - alot - and she has said she felt neglected. The years 2009-2012 are a blur to me know. I look at our pictures but and see us together but I was actively drinking during this time. The years I wasn't drinking were mostly happy. I hate myself for what I have done. I can truly say, I have hit bottom.

So since a week after dday I have been telling my WW I want to change and save our M. She of course is skeptical. Not of my intentions, but of me. She has told friends that she doesn't want a D. But she will not say she wants to work things out with me. We actually went to 2 MC sessions but it was so soon after dday, that the sessions went badly. My WW told the C she didn't want to come back, she thought she might be -done. She did agree to come back for IC and has been going.

I have been writing my WW emails about every other night. So many emotions and memories have been coming back since my alcoholic fog has started to lift. I am depressed and taking ADs for a few weeks. It seems to be helping as I am breaking down less and less, but I am still always sad. When I think about how WW said she was in love with him I feel my heart sink. We have shared so many memories, we were in love. How could she do this. Why didn't she just throw me out, file for divorce - anything - anything but this. I'm devastated by how she conducted herself since Dec 2010. Looking at out vacation and family pictures, knowing it was all a lie. How does someone do this?

There are our boys - the innocents. They do not understand what has happened. They ask me everyday when am I coming home. I want to come home. My WW doesn't want me to come home. She won't even agree to resume MC, even though I have been on my best behavior and have tried to be understanding. I have acknowledged my part in everything about our M, and the drinking.

Finally, the worst part - all her friends, they are all divorced and have her ear. Some of them have know about the mOM all along. I thought they were my friends too. None of them talk to me now. My MIL, omg, what a nightmare. My MIL has known all along and advised my WW to "keep her mouth shut" and agreed to be my WW alibi all those times she went to meet mOM. I know, I read all WW emails. Knowing all the details from reading her emails hurts like hell. I know too much.

I hold on daily to the words my WW said to me on Dday. "I don't want a D". And also, that she confided in our last mutual friend 2 weeks ago and said she "didn't want D".

The not knowing, the professed 'love' for mOM. The length of the A. It follows me around like a dark cloud. I've lost 50lbs since yesterday. None of my clothes fit anymore. I go to AA meetings and people always approach me after and ask me if I'm alright. The short answer is no - I'm not. I have read the Healing library and 180 so many times i think I've memorized it. I've read NJF, surviving the A, Road less traveled, and just about every Google article I can find on Fog, LTA, and infidelity.

I love my wife. I always have.....and my heart is broken.


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, September 15th (Saturday)

(((BS in Limbo)))

Not an easy place to be. Hoping you all find some peace and relaxation this weekend.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18314 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, September 15th (Saturday)

I'm still in limbo, hurting and hurting and hurting.. I'm glad for the those of you who've moved on.. Anger seems to be a good strange for movement and clarity...

But I still don't know where mine is.

I feel so very alone.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, September 18th (Tuesday)

I feel like I'm doing this to myself... Limbo. I'm scared of everything. Things I should do for my marriage, for me.. the one I would turn to for comfort and support is gone, and I'm desperately looking for some inner strength that doesn't seem to be there. I'm even scared to post, it feels like. I do come to read...I would even encourage and agree with the advice of others... But I can't bring myself to do it myself. everything hurts. I hate this.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, September 22nd (Saturday)

You're not alone, justjul.

Posting can be scary because it makes things feel more real. It also tends to push us towards the hard answers that we don't want to face. Nobody's going to judge you, we're all here to help.

Sending some hugs. Find your inner strength by doing nice thongs for yourself that have nothing to do with anyone else. Get your favorite tea - go for a walk. There's more to life than this relationship.

(((justjul)))


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18314 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, September 23rd (Sunday)

It also tends to push us towards the hard answers that we don't want to face.

I think you nailed it, Jrazz. Sighs.

I'm just so tired. Will try to focus on doing something for myself.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
jaded1yr
New Member
Member # 36893
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, September 28th (Friday)

This is where I am. D day was a year ago and at first I felt desperate to hang on because we've been married for 20 years. But his constant going back and forth and his pity party for himself (he has several personal issues related to being disabled and having lap band) is WEARING ME OUT. I need peace. He finally consented to seeing a counselor, but I wish he could see what I see. That if he doesn't stick to NC and deal with the guilt he feels toward me and the OW nothing is going to get better. LIMBO IS HARD, but I'm still hoping that the wonderful husband I had comes back from where he's been because the person he is now is not him. In the meantime as pray God will guide me thru each day. God Bless You All who are struggling with this.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Kentucky
scangel3
Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, September 29th (Saturday)

Limbo SUCKS!!! WH has NC 99% but because of work see's her but only a couple of times a year. But now he say's he still doesn't love me and isn't able to give me that part of his heart back (although he claims he wants to, but he doesn't know how or why), and this is after 2 years since final dday. I have felt it, knew something was up since he just never treated me the same after his A, but for him to actually say the words was a different story, time for me to face reality I guess.

How long do you wait for a ws to love you again? He wants to stay and work things out, but I don't want to be in a loveless marriage forever!!! Do you put a time limit on love?

This all just SUCKS!!!


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, September 29th (Saturday)

ooops just saw first page for BS only. Sorry

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:28 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
justjul
Member
Member # 36383
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, September 29th (Saturday)

I feel dead inside. Which is ironic, because WH has said the same thing of himself, as to why he has no idea what he wants. he did, however, say he 's planning to see a doctor. Maybe a counselor. (cue unwilling hope on my part)

Of course,the A is still alive and kicking.. (cue more heartbreak on my part)

I have no idea if he's broken and confused.. Or if he's lying.

<-- because I can't seem to cry in person.


DDay: 6 August 2012
Me: BS (30s)
Him: WH (30s)
Together 2001; Married 2009
No children

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: On the other side of the world (most likely)
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, November 18th (Sunday)

I am in Limbo and I dont't like it. I don't want to give it either though

It's been 28 days from D-day. Supposed EA only but has also said he has feelings for her. He is currently away on business and I do not know what to expect when he comes home. He has not been remorseful And at times actually acts like I am the problem. He has not apologized to me and I asked for two things before he left and he has been unable to do either. One of which was more frequent contact. I'm fact it seems at times he is intentionally avoiding me.

I am doing good things for myself and am getting stronger. I am hanging on because he says he doesn't want us to be done. However his actions speak louder than words and his actions say that when he comes home he might be moving out. I don't know what to do.

I am seeing an IC but WH refuses to see an MC until he sees and IC but he won't schedule that appointment.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
willbeme
New Member
Member # 37003
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, December 4th (Tuesday)

I'm hoping that someone out there can help steer me or give me some insight.

This is only my second time posting but I'm only 2 weeks away from my divorce.

My mind has been made of for several months that I was moving forward with the divorce because retrospectively I was in a controlling and verbally abusive marriage.

We have one 3 year old son.

Being 2 weeks away he's suddenly "seen the light" and wants to show me he's a better man. I've heard promises before in our marriage that he will "never" do that again never "hurt" me again. Never happens.

I def. have my guard up but he's saying he wants to be a "family" for our son and its killing me to think I'm making the wrong decision to split my son's home.

Anyone help? Thinking I can't trust or believe this is true feelings but its almost over and he's getting to me.

I think I've heard this is pretty typical.


BS (31)
Trying to make good of my new life with all my might.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Midwest
SoyLatte
Member
Member # 37634
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, December 5th (Wednesday)

I'm only in limbo because i must stay in this M to protect my kids. I KNOW wh would turn completely nasty and make us all miserable for years to come. Plus we live overseas in a place where the law favors men. As long as we're here, I simply will not risk it. For now, he's in his happy A fog, thinking I'm a fool and not wise to it, and it's safer for all of us to leave him that way for now. Meanwhile I am gathering evidence, seeking counseling and legal advice, and getting financial ducks in a row for whenever the day comes that I can leave this pos.


Me: BS, 50
Him: WH, 50, serial cheater and compulsive liar, possible SA and NPD
Married 17 years, together 26
3 kids: 10, 13, and 15
Was afraid to confront while overseas, now home safely and can decide next step

Posts: 251 | Registered: Nov 2012
always-hope
Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, January 26th (Saturday)

Don't know where else to post this. Still lost, still hurting. WH has yet to show remorse and I don't think he ever will.

I have an appointment for a consultation with a L next week.

I also have an appointment to start with a new IC.

I have to do something, WH told me he is just waiting until I come around. He is done with IC, went for a few months this time. He says he is fixed, I am the problem.

Hopefully these two steps help me break out of this limbo.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, January 27th (Sunday)

How could I have missed this sub-forum? It fits me to a tee.

Been in limbo for three months. WW moved out last week and is still in the affair fog. Reconciliation clearly does not seem likely so I am 180ing, working through my fears of being alone, and waiting for prozac to take effect so I can gather my strength to D. I never realized that hope can be such a powerful enemy.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1678 | Registered: Dec 2012
lknup
Member
Member # 37433
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 18th (Monday)

I think I belong here, but I have been posting in the Divorce forum also. I do think we are headed for divorce, but I don't know the time frame.
Right now my WH is continuing the affair (secretly) and does not want to work toward R. I am a SAHM, but looking for work. The tension in the house is horrible, but we are getting along in front of the kids pretty well. How long will we continue the charade? I don't know. I need to find a way to ease the tension because it is killing me.
If I ask him to leave it will destroy the kids, and maybe me as well. He is the type to come out smelling like a rose in spite of his actions. I need some time to get my ducks in a row..... Because of that I am thankful he is not in a hurry to divorce. I am not clear on my next steps, except more IC and looking for work. Just hurting and at times feeling so hopeless.


Me: BW
He: WH
DD fall 2012
Getting a Divorce!

Posts: 189 | Registered: Nov 2012
hurt314
Member
Member # 31042
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, March 9th (Saturday)

I've been having a hard time coming to terms with who I am and what I am teaching my three daughters about life and marriage.

I never thought I would be someone who didnt stand up for herself, who didnt know how to walk away from a bad relationship. But I just can't. I'm afraid that if we split up we would have to split custody and I would never see my children. I'm afraid of what they would learn about life from just him without me there to help.

I'm afraid of being alone. Every time I think that it's so bad I should leave, be does a nice thing and I'm sucked back in, thinking I was just crazy anyway.

It just feels like there is something wrong with me and I'll feel like this forever.

I'm starting to think that I caused the A. When I think about how I was then, it makes sense. Of course he wanted to be with her. Young, fresh, fun, attractive. I was old, washed up, grumpy, no fun. I wouldn't have wanted to be with me either. And I sure wouldn't want to be with me now.


Me-W-34
Him 36.
3 little girls.
He ruined our lives. Currently married and trying to make the best life for my children. There is no hope for us but I have hope for them.

Posts: 713 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Not Portland, Oregon... But close
PiQue
Member
Member # 17575
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, March 9th (Saturday)

I stayed in limbo for way, way too long. Years. Due to my own FOO issues, it took me a long time to find my own self worth. I wish I had kicked my own butt far sooner than what I did. Living with their mother in limbo has adversely affected my daughters and how they relate to their significant others. Now I'm having to backtrack and try create a fix for the next generation to prevent continuation of both old and new FOO issues.

If there is not immediate remorse and NC, it is doubtful to ever occur. Get off the sinking ship while you can.


Me/BW 50+
Him/WH 60+ Long Distance LTA
NEVER ignore your gut.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic Region
confused777
New Member
Member # 39629
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 19th (Friday)

I have a feeling this will be my home for a while. The relationship was not perfect before the affair. He has anger management issues and I shut down emotionally. We had become pretty distant. In a way the fact that I brought his behavior into the light has put fire back in the relationship. I actually do know what I want.

I want him to be the man I thought I married. I want him to control his temper, not cheat on me and be a good guy. He said he will go to counseling to change.

The real truth is that I don't know if he loves me enough to make changes for me. I think he wants to be with me because he always get his way. I don't think he'll like a changed me.

To further complicate matters, I have an 18 month son who loves his dada (but loves his mama more I guess I am waiting to see how things progress.


Choices are easy to make, even the most difficult of choices are made in the span of a heart beat. It is coming to terms with the results of these choices which can take a very long time indeed.

In limbo

At least this fence is mine to own and


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
Hasslesmom
New Member
Member # 39797
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 19th (Friday)

i also am in limbo. dday was a month ago tomorrow. we are in MC and he says he wants the marriage to work out but i dont believe it. i had checked on getting my own mortgage while still on ours together and thats a no go w/o a divorce decree. i had hoped by telling him what i have done that it would wake him up. nope, i think i truly want this to work out but i know it cant if i am the only one willing to put the effort into it. deep in my heart i feel like that he is just barely trying, just enough to say that he did. then when i finally say enought and leave his ass he wont be the bad guy because he kinda tried. i just dont think that he realizes he IS the bad guy already, idk what half ass trying will get him. its not going to make him look any better in my eyes anyway. if anything it just angers and hurts more. BTW today is our ten year anniversary!! yeah, real good days for me !! i told him that i am going to stop worrying about what he does or doesnt do and work on myself. i am doing alot of reading to try and figure out REALLY why i am still here. why not just walk away and try to start over. walking away just feels wrong though. this freaking sucks, but its good to know that i am not the only one in limbo!!

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jul 2013
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I guess I'm in limbo too.

EA-WH 1yr+ out from Dday and NC just now looking at ME, showing remorse a little, answering questions, etc.

I've been in IC for 2 mos.

I went in depressed and didn't know it, desperate, STUCK, ill, anxious, emotional and a total mess.

Yay for klonopin and prozac - once I started to sleep I felt a little better, then the proz kicked in and I'm feeling a little better everyday.

From Dday to my "give up moment" and starting IC I was working f/t and the sole support for our home/family, going to school f/t, having multiple health issues, and overwhelmed with all that and ds's activities. I was hanging on by a thread.

Over the last 2 mos since finding SI and going to IC I feel less crazy (gaslighted), more self-assured, more self-respect, more sure "i can do this" whatever "this" is, and calmer. It no longer seems insurmountable to look at this situation and think "what do I want to do".

My IC is seeming a little dang pushy about it all

I think she knows I want to D, has known, and just wants me to admit it and begin planning.

I'm still working out that I have no responsibility for his lazy, irresponsible, uncaring, selfish self. I don't have to make sure he has a home and food. I don't have to make sure he can be around for ds.

Not very long ago, week or so, my ds gave me the greatest gift - he freed me from my greatest fear and anxiety by telling me he could tell I was really struggling and he wanted me to know that no matter what happened he knows he is loved by dad and me and no matter what he'll be ok, with both parents together or one at a time.

So.

Why am I still feeling "limbo"?

I feel like if I tell WH that I want a divorce, move out or I'm moving out - I have to be ready to MOVE because he prefers to NEVER take any kind of action.

At this point I think moving would be stupid because I'm trying to finish school to hopefully get a better job and will move for that - how many times am I wanting to move in the near future?

So IC says "I understand that, no hurry right? Cautious and planning is good right? But what are you DOING?"

She is right - there is still some part of me that allows WH to affect me, reach me.

I did 180 for a long time before I even knew what it was. The only "errors" came when there was a ds-activity mostly regarding transport - we only have 1 car between us.

So now I have a list of things I want "done" before I can "move on".

But there is always a part of me that hopes WH "gets smart" before I get it all done.

Stupid of me and sometimes I reflect - maybe lazy of me - wanting company but not wanting to start all over again but then I think "is this the company I want forever"? Eh, ish.

So, count me in limbo but REALLY working on it.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Shockedman
Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Hasslesmom:
I hear you! I just had my 10 year anniversary on July 12. I went to Vegas instead of staying home to pity myself. My WW had d-day 1 about 10 weeks ago and d-day 2 about 2 weeks ago. I think she has ended the A for good, but who knows. We seperated on d-day 1 and are pretty much just fighting on a daily basis. We both are in IC. She seems remorseful, but is still saying she doesn't know what she wants. I am not a patient man. We have been together for 17 years and married 10. If she can't decide in the next month that she wants to work towards R, then I am out.

i told him that i am going to stop worrying about what he does or doesnt do and work on myself. i am doing alot of reading to try and figure out REALLY why i am still here. why not just walk away and try to start over. walking away just feels wrong though. this freaking sucks, but its good to know that i am not the only one in limbo!!

Same for me! I have been trying to "diagnose" her for weeks and I decided this timne would be better spent on myself and my own healing. I was a good husband. We had problems. Everyone does, but nothing to justify this horrible mess. I keep thinking when she gives me a little shred of hope...."Maybe we could..." but then I come back to reality. She abandoned me, shit on our life and now I am the one still waiting for her to pull her head out of her ass. I was 60% done filling out the D paperwork and I stopped when she ended the A and the fog started to lift. but I do think the fog lifts in incremental stages and how long are we supposed to wait? What if it takes 6 months? A year? Then what? Limbo land? That suck and I am going to have to make a decision. I have a life to live and plans for my future. It is time for all of us to take the power back and not let our cheating partners control the shots. Take charge and forge ahead. It has to be better than this right?

Jennifer99:
Feeling the same way. I know D is the right direction, but I am afraid to admit it to myself. I have loved her for so long, I just keeping thinking......"What if...." and "Maybe she will...." but in reality I think I am just putting off the inevitable. She is too damaged for me and it will take too long. I can't wait and stop my life for someone who caused the whole mess to begin with. I have too many things (like you) to deal with. House, business with her, but I can't help but think God (or universe if you aren't religious) will take care of it for me. When I make a step, something will fall into place for me. Fear is a bitch. It keeps us stuck. We need to forge ahead. Good Luck!

[This message edited by Shockedman at 3:31 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 12th (Monday)

bump


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18314 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, August 12th (Monday)

YEA!!!!!!

I didnt know this existed!!!

Yea!!!

thank you Jrazz


Posts: 683 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Well, I begged for this thread then didn't really post because I didn't know what to say.

I just wanted to share that though I'm likely in limbo for a while still, it really pays off to work on yourself. I've been with a great IC and am getting so much better. When things are down, when we're fighting or struggling, it doesn't hurt me as much. I'm not looking at him to fix anything but himself and have accepted that he'll do it when he decides to...or not.

That said, when I'm ready to move on he can choose to try and catch up...or not. Heck, I might not even want to give him another chance. Every day together that he doesn't do the work is a chance wasted.

Every time I think he's found his rock bottom and will decide to truly work on himself, he manages to blameshift or deny the issue away. Working on myself has helped so much in not accepting that, not accepting the reality he seems to need to create to keep things in stasis. I can look at him and tell him that no, I don't own that. He made poor communication choices, or avoided an issue or went ahead and did it his way. So the result is his issue, his to own. Not mine.

Damn it feels good. IC says I need to work on engaging less, but this is still a big step.

He told me the night before last that one day I might truly understand he loved me and I'd be sad if it was after he was gone (ie- dead, not D). I told him the flip side of that was that one day he might realize just how unloved I felt for decades and that he could've changed it if only he didn't decide everything had to be done his way, on his terms.

Last night he said that he knew I will probably leave once I have enough money saved up now that I have a job. I didn't confirm or deny. Let him live in limbo for awhile.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 2:14 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11280 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Holly-Isis, Am I reading your post correctly that you are living with your WS but basically in an in-house separation?

I'm curious because one of the options my WW is pushing is for us to stay in the same house (we have 3 kids), but have an open marriage. I can't imagine doing this as I know it would be hard for me, but I am curious if this is what you are doing, and how that is going? It seems like you are finding peace with it.

K


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 772 | Registered: Aug 2013
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, August 18th (Sunday)

Not really. We're M, we get along. He would call it R, I call it limbo because he's not doing the work.

He's been transparent, honest, gone NC...he just hasn't owned what he did beyond the umbrella term of an A. He also hasn't dealt with why he's cheated.

So I go to IC and work on myself not focusing on him. I work on how to deal with what my FOO issues and M have made me think about myself, how to handle the horrible emotions when there's a fight or I'm stressed.

I haven't told him I want to D, but I did basically tell him I feel like I'm in a loveless M. In the plain of lethal flatness. I'm at peace knowing that if I decide I'm ready to D, I've worked through my other issues and can focus on dealing with the D and making sure the kids are in the healthiest situation possible under the circumstances.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11280 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I feel as if I have found a home on this thread...LIMBO, that is where I am. My situation is too new and this is a 25 yr marriage. I don't feel as if I can just walk away, but he won't give up his " friend" either. He swears this is just a friendship and that it is not a PA he can't see that his lying and sneaking around to see her still means it is an EA ( I have no proof it is anything but). He swears he doesn't want to lose me and our marriage and that he loves me but yet still maintains this "friendship". I am seeing IC working on me and trying to decide where life will lead. Right now staying is what works in my world, we have loans to pay and I need to get my house fixed up and in order. I also have to loose some weight so I can generally feel better about myself. Maybe then I can decide wether it is R or D....right now it is just a broken hearted Limbo 💔 .


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Idkanymore
New Member
Member # 40458
Helpless  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

New here, found out my husband was having an ongoing affair back in march.
I don't know all the codes yet sorry! :)
I just turned 30 we have 2 kids and we have been together for almost 15 years married for 3.
We have been trying to make things work after a brief stay at his parents house. But I am a mess. I am completely depressed, I know way too much information and its killing me. I don't know how to forgive and I know I will never forget.
The whole story is almost a made for tv drama.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Mass
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

IDKA-
I'm sorry you find yourself here. These threads tend to move slow, post in JFO or General too, I know there are more people waiting to give you sympathy and support.

Take the time you need to make your decision.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11280 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
TammG6210
New Member
Member # 40572
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I feel like something is wrong with me.I am 19 years post D-day and for the last month I have been dwelling on it. Something really stupid triggered me and now I feel like it just happened.We are still together.

My WH was, and is a really great man. We had been married for 8 years and had 4 children ( the youngest being under a year old with health problems that took up most of my time) when he cheated with a skanky married co-worker. He says it wasn't about me, it was about how low he felt about himself. He took a low paying job and felt bad that we couldn't make ends meet.I was also preoccupied with taking care of 4 young children and not giving him the attention he needed, even though I had no idea he was bothered by it. He said that they met outside of work a few times (only after she told me this) and had sex once, which he claims he couldn't even finish because it felt so wrong. I have always had a difficult time believing that. Why go through all the trouble of sneaking around only to stop short of what you were there for? He says he ended it right after that and eventually quit that job to get away from her. The OW was planning to leave her husband for my husband but my husband told her was never leaving me and never considered leaving me.

Two months before he quit,(from the time line I've put together, the affair was over by this point) the OW's husband confronted my husband. My husband denied doing anything and told me that the OW's husband wanted to talk to me. I was confused, but called him anyway. The OW's husband told me that the OW told him that there was a guy at work that she was attracted to but he was unavailable. I asked to talk to the OW, of course at this point in time I had no idea she was the OW, I thought she was some nut who was interested in my husband.I asked her is she was wanted my husband and she told me no. I had no reason to believe that anything had gone on between my WH and the OW so I got a good laugh out of it and forgot all about it. How stupid was I? I was so sure that my husband was the one person that would never do that.

Two months later my husband quit. Within two days of him quitting, the OW's husband is calling me and telling me that my husband and his wife had met up a few times and kissed. My husband denied this. I was still incredibly stupid because I believed him and decided to confront the OW and find out why she was telling her husband these lies. I arrogantly marched down to where she worked and demanded to now why she was telling her husband these things. She told me because it was the truth. I asked her when and she said months ago. I asked her where and she gave me the location. At that moment I knew it was true. During this confrontation two of her coworker friends were present. The OW was smirking at me and looking at the other two people and they were all smirking. I looked at them and said, "what's so funny, this bitch is kissing my husband." They told me it was over and done with and let it go. I was humiliated and shocked.

I go home and tell my WH that I know it's true. His reaction was to leave the house. He left me there with the kids after hearing the most devastating news possible and I try hard to keep it together for the kids. He returned later after going to my brothers house and we had what I have since learned is hysterical bonding. I needed to claim back what was mine.

During the first several months, I am begging WH to tell me everything and I'm getting only bits of information after I drag it out of him.Some of it makes no sense and other portions he changes the story. I am forced to contact the OW and her husband to try to find out what is true. The OW assures me that they only met a few times and only kissed. Devastating nonetheless. So that was an ugly period and I couldn't believe my wonderful husband wold do that. WH tries to do all he can to assure me that she meant nothing and that he was sorry and all that. We go to MC and soon I am released and he continues on individually.

Time goes on and I try to cope with this. For the most part I go through my days completely shattered and not knowing how to stop feeling so bad.I constantly replay it in my mind. I obsessively go through calenders and pay stubs trying to figure out which days they were together. WH can't or won't give me details like dates. I look back and try to see if there was something huge going on between me and WH. I remember great times me and WH had during this time and can't make sense of it. It consumes my every thought and waking moment. All the while I try to pretend that nothing happened and go about taking care of the kids. Dying inside the whole time.

6 months after D-day I get pregnant. When I am 4 months pregnant I get yet another call from the OW's husband (oddly enough is the exact date, one year later that I got that I first heard the names of the OW and her husband) so he can tell me that he found out more (isn't he helpful?). He found out that some oral sex was involved. I immediately call WH at work and he denies it. he was working night shift at the time.I called my best friend and cried to her. When WH comes home on the morning he immediately tells me that it's true and that they had sex once. I leave and go to my best friends house and as soon as she opens the door I lose it.

We are right back where we were a year before. Only this time what I learned was worse. The OW's husband continues to call us and drive by our house. We go to the police and he is charged with harassment. WH calls the OW and tells her off. he tells her that his wife is pregnant and doesn't need this and she is on the phone going, "aww" like a real bitch.

I did my best to not torture my WH with nonstop questions. Most of the time I failed. I would start to fell like I was going to be ok, and something, usually trivial would bring it all right back to me. Every year around the time that the affair was going on and I found out would put me into such a depression. the smell of the air that time of year would cause a downward spiral. This went on every year for months at a time for about 17 years. There were a few years here an there where I didn't sink.

I do believe my husband loves me and he does all he can to show me that he does. I also believe that he felt bad about himself at that time which made him easy prey to this snake. It doesn't help me get the images out of my head. I don't want to dwell anymore. This has taken up so much of my life. How can I not let a trigger destroy me for weeks or months at a time?

Sorry this was so long winded. I'm trying to live in the now and not in the past. It's hard and I don;t know how to stop dwelling.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2013
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Tamm
Sorry that you are still in such pain from this.. I'm no expert, but it sounds like you still haven't processed your grief from the original DDay 19 years ago. Do you talk to your H about how you're feeling or do you just rug sweep? Have you tried IC? If not I would suggest you find a counsellor to help you deal with your feelings so that you can heal.
(((Tamm)))


Me-BW 49
SAWH 51
Married 27 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jul 2011
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, September 9th (Monday)

So I'm in Limbo. I've officially moved out. The loneliness is unbearable, I think I miss him so much, but then I wonder is it love or fear of the unknown/being alone? Does that make sense?


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
ontheslope
Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, September 13th (Friday)

Strongerdaybyday that makes perfect sense.

I too am stuck in limbo, and have been for a while. I'm 4 years(ish) out from DDay, but I've never really processed any of my feelings about it, just hid them and pushed them aside and put on a brave face and went about my business trying to be the glue that holds the family together.

I just don't know how I feel about my W anymore. I never expected to be here, facing this, trying to deal with having to find love again for someone who broke my heart. I feel like I gave her everything I had... every ounce of me. And now I look at her and I just don't know. I go back and forth - maybe there is still a little something there, maybe there isn't. Maybe I want to leave, maybe I don't, maybe I'm too scared.

She doesn't like to talk about the A, but she will answer questions if I ask. But I get the impression that she thinks I'm dragging it out, beating her up with it. But lately it has been on my mind so much. I trigger at everything.

And part of my problem is that I've had a few friends, and even my sister, who have D'd, and they all seem so much happier now. They made it through the darkness and emerged into the light. I want a piece of that. I want to stop feeling empty inside.

Thing is, when I think about leaving. When I really think about moving on, part of me knows I would miss her, and that it would be so difficult. But a little part of me would love to have a chance to find happiness in the future, and I just don't know that her and I can be for real happy. Not with the way she is, with our (current and past) lack of connection, and not with me still unable to get the A out of my head.

Limbo. Good word. God.. I hate it.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Eyeofthetiger
Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

I guess I am in limbo but I guess I am separated as well.

I want R but my WH wants a D. He hasn't made any moves to do that so he leaves me with hope.

He is not seeing the OW for 2 months now. But he has not lived at home for 3 months. I am 2 weeks into 180 and I feel a lot better. But I miss my H and our life together. I wish he would take a good hard look at our life and choose to be a better man.

Until then or until he files--- guess I am in limbo. At least in my heart.


S

Posts: 130 | Registered: Aug 2013
PositiveAttitude
Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Every time I thought we are headed toward R it turned into another DDay.

Now that the A is supposedly really over he's missing the OW - which I've read is a good sign, but it still sucks.

It appears he might also be moving on to grapple with his own guilt.

I never feel secure in the fact that we are headed toward a real R. But we are no where near a divorce. DH actually shredded the divorce papers.

I'm just tired, and I have to get myself out of limbo in my personal life. He can stay there if he wants, but I hate the hell it's causing me.


Posts: 193 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

Every time I thought we are headed toward R it turned into another DDay.

This is exactly how I feel. WS and I have been separated for almost 5 months. He has broken NC with OW 5 or 6 times and I tell him each time he does that I start this whole process over again.
I actually filed for divorce at the end of July, and although he swore he wouldn't have anything to do with her even after I filed, he slept with her twice after. After THAT, I gave him another chance and he broke NC within 3 weeks twice.
It's like, how much rope do I need to give him to hang himself.
Like others I have been told, it stops when I say it stops.
He swears I am the only one for him, that if we split he'd continue to look for me the rest of his life, that I am the love of his life and he's made the biggest mistake ever in looking outside the marriage or thinking he ever wanted divorced to begin with.
He does not seem to understand that the first step on the road to R is trust, and that he has not laid any ground work for that at all.
It's supposedly been 2 weeks since the last NC but I don't trust that to be the truth.
So, although we are S, and I have filed for D, and I still have slim hope for R...I still feel like I am in limbo.
And I know he does too.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
PositiveAttitude
Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry your WH broke NC so often.

Mine didn't even go NC, just flat out lied to me about it - over and over and over again. Until I told him I wanted a divorce. Within 24 hours he had ended it with her. Even though HE was carrying around paperwork from the lawyers office!

It seems like any time it looks like I might move on without him - he's all over keeping me and staying. Ugh!

My WH finally went NC in late August 24 hours after I told him I was done, but didn't think it was "necessary to block her number from his phone" - so she's still been texting him. He says he hasn't responded. Not sure if I believe him or not, but serious - not necessary to block her number. Face:Palm!


Posts: 193 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, September 16th (Monday)

He says he hasn't responded. Not sure if I believe him or not, but serious - not necessary to block her number. Face:Palm!

I made the mistake of believing my WS too many times, then found out later he'd been lying.
NC means NC. Her number should be completely blocked.
I know that many WS don't "get it" when it comes to NC. How do you even take the first step if they are still in contact with them? I don't care if it is about the weather!
I wish mine could honestly just live in my mind for a day and understand exactly what this has done to my thought processes, my opinion of him and our marriage...the devastating effect this has had on our children.
I don't verify the things he says he's doing or not doing every day. I give him weeks before I check up on him. I refuse to have my life revolve around mistrusting him and trying to figure out if he's earned my trust.
He has to prove it to me, I don't have to seek it from him.
I refuse to live a life of always looking over my shoulder.
Which is why I won't recommit right now-because I don't trust him at all. Pathetic.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
FeelingMN
Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, September 20th (Friday)

I waver somewhere between limbo and R. My FWW is remorseful to the point that shame paralyzes her and our healing. We can't really talk about the A, I can't really share my triggers, pain, troubles because when I do her guilt reaction kicks in and it all becomes about her. She's not in IC, we're not in MC. Sounds more like limbo than R now that I type it up. I asked her to get IC to figure things out, that took a month or two and it was she was depressed and drunk. Deep. I guess all depressed drunk people cheat.

I don't wear my ring and told myself I wouldn't until I have the marriage that I want to have rather than the one that we currently have. Compare it pre-A/post-A and it would look the same.

I try to see a future where we D but I haven't figured the vision out yet. Money, kids, same problem that lots of people have already solved, so why can't I see that solution work?

I used to get angry. Now I'm just detaching. Killing a marriage by 1000 paper cuts.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
ontheslope
Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I waver somewhere between limbo and R. My FWW is remorseful to the point that shame paralyzes her and our healing. We can't really talk about the A, I can't really share my triggers, pain, troubles because when I do her guilt reaction kicks in and it all becomes about her.

Wow... yeah, that sums it up pretty damn good. My WW is the same way. I need to talk about things, to get things out in the open, but she is so riddled with guilt and fear that when I do talk to her she recoils and shuts down and gets very depressed. Then my instinct to protect her kicks in and I feel like I'm beating her over the head with issues that should be resolved but that I know aren't, so I just hold it all in and we end up not talking about what really needs to be talked about. She's trying really hard, but she can be a very sensitive person and she really can't handle her guilt over what she did.

But there is a part of me that just wants to tell her that she either deals with it or I move on. I'm not going to hold her and hug her because she feels guilty for letting another guy bang her. I'm the one hurting. It's on her to be the one to comfort me - not the other way around.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I just noticed this thread for the first time.... Read a few pages and feel like every single one of you is singing my same song. I could respond to every single post, almost, and say "yeah, me too!" It's just crazy. Limbo is awful.

I did something last night that may not be SI-approved, but hope it will get some reaction from him (yes, I KNOW I am supposed to let go and just work on ME, but his waffling is just devastating me and my kids). I wrote him a letter, explaining that while he says he "is working on" himself, that I see no evidence and no forward progress. We have worked on the M, as advised by our MC, and that was great for a while. But MC pretty much ignored the elephant in the room and encouraged me to do the same. Ugh. So, no real healing has been done.

So, in my letter, I gave him a deadline for a "progress check". He has 6 weeks to read NJF and give me a written timeline. This takes us to the Sunday before Thanksgiving. If he is interested in R, he will do it and we can discuss new action items over the long weekend. If he chooses not to, we plan how to handle Thanksgiving and Christmas separately and set up a visitation schedule for the kids. I just can't handle the limbo anymore. It's eating me alive. As I wrote, I'm not looking to resolve our issues in that timeframe, it's simply a gauge as to whether he is willing to "walk the walk" because the words aren't cutting it.

We had a great summer. I thought we were doing well. Then in September, he starts with some goofy stuff, like "I'm still emotionally attached to her", "I'm having trouble connecting physically to you" (this after months of HB! - really?)... And, yes, of course, I wonder if they've "reconnected" which is why the sudden wrench in our R. Why should I ever believe a word he says, right?

So, I am in serious limbo. Some days I feel strong and ready to let him go. Think I will be happier without him. Still need to address my co-dependent habits. Some days, I just can't imagine my life without him. This is all just hell.

But, for my own sake, I now have a goal marker that will let me know if my ship has sunk or just has hundreds of holes....

Wishing everyone here hugs, strength, and eventual peace. Oh, and a free pass off the limbo rollercoaster...


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 741 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
jupiter13
Member
Member # 40999
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Just a question. I may be in the wrong place so here goes. How do you cope, get over, let go and move on from the very idea that you married someone that said things that only made you love them more and now through their actions turned everything they said into a lie? Also how do you let go of the fact that now you will never have a faithful loving husband when that is the one thing you have always dreamed of having and he always promised he would be? What do you do about the dreams you had for the two of you when those dreams now become something that can never happen because of his choice? For me I am at a loss. I havve no dreams or wants any more they have all been crushed with nothing left to replace them with as there is nothing else I ever wanted ore.

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Modesto
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Hey Jupiter, Since we're the only ones who've been on this thread this month, thought I'd at least respond and let you know I hear you and understand your feelings. I so completely feel the same.

All I've ever cared about was having a wonderful family. I'm not materialistic at all. My only hopes and dreams included togetherness. I have 3 awesome kids, who are smart, outgoing, and until now, well-adjusted. Now they are destroyed in some way and it just kills me. I can't wrap my head around continuing my life as a single divorced mother and splitting time with my kids. I just never thought this would be us. Never. I just can't believe he would do this to us. There are days I just don't recognize him anymore. Finally starting to accept that the man I love isn't coming back. Some other awful dude has taken over his body and mind and soul. I don't know how to wrap my mind around it. I just don't.

I wish none of us were here.

(((jupiter)))


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 741 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

Don't be so hard on yourselves. There are alot of us here in limbo.

Dday was 2009 for me, A in my face for nearly 3.5 years and then we seperated Aug 2012 and have been in limbo. He wants me to come home and then he doesn't. Found out last month he broke NC and we are back to the same shit.
HOW hard is it to stay the hell away from a ho? And yes I mean ho.
Last Sat he askes me to come home again, I say I don't know. Then within a day back to he doesn't know if it will work.
I am tried and exhausted. I WILL NOT battle for my own husband anymore. I just am starting not to care. Yes, I want my marriage but I shouldn't have to fight for what is already mine.

I also look at it like this now, when a man wants his wife/woman he will move mountians to be with her. He has not shown jack shit like that. He has not been remorseful nothing!

I want to be loved, cherished, and respected. I want to be adored and taken out on dates, I want hugs and kisses, I want to be cuddled and to feel SAFE!

I don't get that much at all. So that is why I am just tried of talking to the wall about us and what marriage is.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2886 | Registered: Aug 2011
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

OMG, Faithful. I don't know how on earth you've lasted this long. This limbo is making me absolutely insane already. I already am having feelings that I just don't care anymore. How can you possibly bear it for so long? I would be a total mess. I already don't know how long I can put up with his "waffling" and grieving over his AP. I am SO SICK of this shit.

I totally agree that we shouldn't have to fight for our H's. Seriously. Someone's tag line on here is "I'm not the winner. I'm the prize." I love that. Tell it to myself daily. Sometimes I think I'm competing to get him back to prove to myself that I'm better than her. Sick. Makes me angry with myself. Why have I accepted crumbs from a broken man? I should really just let them have each other. It's just so hard to let go. Let go of the future I envisioned. Let go of the happy times. Let go of enjoying our kids and their own families as they become adults. I can't believe he would piss it all away for her. Just makes me want to puke.

and yes, this:

I want to be loved, cherished, and respected. I want to be adored and taken out on dates, I want hugs and kisses, I want to be cuddled and to feel SAFE!

Apparently I am asking for WAY too much. How pathetic. I could kick myself most days...

Sending hugs...


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 741 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Still,
I ask myself the same thing all the time. How have I lasted this long.. I honestly can say "I don't know", By the grace of God.

My wh doesn't want the AP she is just a ho that flatters him now. He knows what she is and who I am. But, he can't pull his head out of the clouds to actually see what God blessed him with. Sometimes I think I am just weak and have to big of a heart to kick him to the curb.

I hope your wh gets over this crap. It is not her that he is actually morning, it is the feel good and fanscty of it all. And now reality has set back in and he is like "WTF".

There is a video I posted in another forum. Take a look.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7Oo749UzJI

Always remember this and watch when you feel down.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2886 | Registered: Aug 2011
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

Thanks,Faithful, for that link. Just watched it and am sitting here bawling my eyes out. I'm really struggling right now. Just feeling so very, very low. It's like watching your life disintegrate before your eyes. My kids are hurting too and I just don't know how to cope enough for all of us. We all feel totally abandoned and I want to be the best and strongest mother possible for them, but some days I just can't muster the inner strength. The anger and sadness is just overwhelming. Sorry, I am just having a really bad day....

Thanks for listening...


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 741 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

I remember those day and nights. I wanted to be left alone to cry, scream, and yell. Then I would look at my kids and cry in front of them, not on purpose but the hurt I felt for them. My kids were my pellar of strength, they loved me and I loved them back.
It was a nightmare but I promise you that you will get thru this one way or another.
I wish I could hug you because I know how you feel. It will get easier with time. Be kind to yourself and embrace those kids of yours.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2886 | Registered: Aug 2011
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Ended a limbo state recently and its the hardest thing to do. It went on about a year. We separated and WH was still cake eating, but tossing me crumbs here and there. Would come to visit and still his phone was never with him. Kept me hanging with talk here and there of R but he refused to commit. Waiting for me to do the work. I refused to guide him through.

I feel 100 percent finished. He doesn't want D but won't put any true effort in.

No more limbo for me.

I hope everyone here finds their way out through true R or through letting go and the strength to do so.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, October 18th (Friday)

Thanks faithful and spelljean. It's always helpful to know others have been where you are.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. Then, last night I saw many friends at a school meeting. Got to vent a little and got lots of support. That is so helpful after a bad day!!!!

Today, I ran 5 miles and felt empowered. I went to the bank and started my own checking account. Set up a meeting with a D'ed mom, friend of another D'ed friend, who had a great L and less expensive than original friend's L! Baby steps, but at least I feel like I'm asserting myself.

Who knows how I will feel tomorrow, but today I feel like he should feel lucky that I've been as open to R as I have been. If he wants to piss on that gift and run back to his fantasy, so be it. Good riddance. He's a fool. If he's happy with his choices, let him live in the mess he's created. Right?

Faithful, I forwarded that youtube link to my most supportive allies today. Watched it several times today and posted it on another thread for a BS really struggling with self-worth. Thanks so much for sharing it. I hope you are internalizing all those positive messages as well!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 741 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
SurelyNOT
Member
Member # 40617
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, October 21st (Monday)

Don't really know if I can say I'm in LIMBO or not. That's how confused I am. WH has moved in with AP, however he is currently on a job out of town until at least Christmas, so they are not actually together. He is not in touch with us, he tells everyone that he phones his children, when in fact he doesn't. It's as if we just don't matter AT ALL. I just don't understand his cavalier attitude, how is it that he can just turn his back on us. I don't recognize the person he has become. He said had I not discovered the affair when I did, he would have just continued on regardless. How is it that he has now discarded us like garbage, with not a care in the world and he is happily planning his "fresh start" with her. I am left in a million little pieces, and although there have been good moments they are overshadowed by the bleak despair that is ever present. Is this limbo??

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
Healing2012
Member
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, October 21st (Monday)

I cannot believe there is a thread for people like me! My WH and I are not R and we are not D (in fact, we are both open about not wanting D).

In the beginning he was the one who was stuck (yes, he was cake eating and all that other stuff) while I wanted R. Now I have no clue what I want to do. I mean, I think I know what I want (R), but then I start thinking about how things will never be the same again and whether or not I will ever be able to trust or believe him.

I'm so confused.

We were in MC about one month after D-Day. But after a couple of appointments I discovered that he was still in contact with the OW so I told him I wasn't wasting my time. I have been in IC from the beginning and it has been the best decision. I have learned so much about myself and discovered that I am pretty darn strong.

We still talk. We laugh. We vent to each other (about work, family, etc.). But as far as R? Or even making a commitment to R? We remain silent.

So...when is it enough? When do I give up on this? Why the F am I still here?


BS: Me (41)
WS: Husband (47)
Married 9 years
Two children 6 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
ontheslope
Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

So...when is it enough? When do I give up on this? Why the F am I still here?

Only you can answer those questions. That is the real kicker with all of this - you're on your own when it comes to that final, life altering decision. It is on you. Everyone else can give you advice, everyone else can give you suggestions, books to read, counselling, ways to "reconnect". But when push comes to shove, when it's time to put the chips on the table, only you can do that. Only you can know.

And you will know. One day, your will have a moment of clarity. You'll realize that you are better than this. That you deserve better. That your kids deserve better. That it's not about keeping what you have, but about wiping the slate clean so that you can begin to move on with your life. And you'll realize that it's OK to want more out of life. That the light at the end of the tunnel might be a little closer than it looked yesterday.

Not trying to push you one way or another, but if you have to ask yourself those questions in the first place, then why the F are you still there?


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

SurelyNOT- I totally understand your confusion... and yes, I believe LIMBO is the place for lost souls like us! Glad you found this forum, even if you have no idea which end is up anymore in your relationship. It is astonishing to me how cavalierly they can "move on" with their new life without a seeming care for who they destroyed. I just don't get it. All I can figure is that they've been living this new "reality" for much longer than us, and they've already emotionally detached from us. It's just so very cruel, but they don't even get it. Very sad.

Healing2012 - I am confused like you. We've done the MC - but our C seemed to want to rugsweep with the best of 'em. Lots of tips to "fix" our M, but no advice on him helping me heal and feel safe. So, 8 months later, I feel like we're not making any progress. All the good stuff this summer seems like a fantasy - I guess that's what they call "false R"? I was actually reassured (strangely) by your comments, "We still talk. We laugh. etc." That is us to a T. It's like he now just wants us to be best friends but not married partners. He doesn't want to talk about the A, "us", or any of our issues anymore. But we still enjoy each other. It's so bizarre. I'm glad to know someone else feels this way. It seems like more often people have an antagonistic relationship. I guess that is why it is hard for me to pull the trigger on starting the D process. I am just not feeling that way yet. I don't know when enough is enough, either. Let me know if you figure it out!!!!

ETA: Ontheslope - I will take your advice to heart. I think you are right. I want to totally get there. I am getting stronger. I need to believe that I deserve better and my kids definitely do. He hasn't shown himself to be the man I thought he was OR the man I thought he was still capable of becoming. I am finally beginning to see him as the insolent 5 year old that has taken over his body.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 10:15 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 741 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
coda87
Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I've given my WW 10 weeks. My original plan was to wait 6 months. But it's such hell, I filed for divorce this week. And she should get served any day now. From D-Day my WW has shown no remorse or empathy. She says the affair is over but admits to still communicating with the AP. She has a secret 2nd cell phone and a 2nd laptop. She is not transparent at all.
Every attempt I make to talk to her, she basically ignores. We have been to MC 3 times, but no progress.
When I ask her directly if divorce is what she really wants, she won't give a straight answer. So basically I've given up on her. Maybe she showed me some sign of wanting to stay in the marriage I would be able to hold out a little longer.

It's really sad. I know our three kids will suffer. And I still love her despite the affair. I had hope we could work things out. It's not looking that way.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
mixedintherut
Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Limbo land has proven to be a little piece of hell on Earth. It is 10x worse then the first DD when he left two days later.

Part of me doesn't even know why I am here or why he is here. He is making 2x the amount of money as before, if not more. Cake eating sums it up, I guess. Things are good while he is home the 24 hours a week he is here. The rest of the week I torture myself looking at cell phone records and trying to make sense of all of the senseless.

This is the worse roller coaster of my life, I dislike myself for continuing the ride, and yet I can't seem to give up and walk away. What the heck is wrong with me!?

Edited for spelling

[This message edited by mixedintherut at 4:27 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
ontheslope
Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

This is the worse roller coaster of my life, I dislike myself for continuing the ride, and yet I can't seem to give up and walk away. What the neck is wrong with me!?

Because you fear change. We all do. And walking away, as you put it, isn't like changing your socks or changing your hairstyle or even changing cars. It is a soul-sucking, life-altering, redefine-everything-I-thought-I-knew type of change. And that is hard, as hard as it gets.

Maybe someday you'll have your moment of clarity. Maybe some day the status-quo won't be good enough anymore.

I wish you luck. I'm sorry you have to be here.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Just found you guys.

Thank you.

Limbo is where I am.


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Anybody else have this as a result of limbo: the A doesn't really die.

Where other people post about eventually not looking up OP, I still get curious. Sometimes something here will trigger me and I'll look up xOw1, her xBH (who was involved in trying to talk MrH into swapping) and xOw2.

MrH loves me...in his way...which isn't very well or I'd be further in my healing. He listened to our suck first MC and set limits on my questions. I was allowed to ask each question once. He was in Iraq during 2d-day, then taking classes for his grad degree, then Iraq again...you get the picture. There was always some reason he couldn't participate in my healing. We have a great pastor/MC but since he's so great it's hard to get and keep appts with him. He has to be pursued.

MrH hasn't done that or anything that involves going out of his comfort zone. So I haven't been able to process the A fully by myself.

Anyone else find that they haven't put to rest other things that people posting here either in true R or D seem to have been able to set aside?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11280 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I am over 2 years out from DDay and firmly stuck limbo. Initially I thought I wanted R but as reality has set in I just don't know anymore. WH is very remorseful, transparent and doing all he can but part of me thinks its just too late. He was the love of my life, my soul mate. I thought I was lucky to have him. I will never be the same person I was. I am damaged. I know I will never fully trust him again. I really dont think I love him anymore and I can't rationalize how it's okay to stay with someone who cheated on me for so long, no matter what he is doing now. Its like it comes down to the principle of the matter. But in spite of feeling this way, I can't pull the trigger and tell him I want a D. I don't know what I want. I don't want to be married to him but I can't imagine him not being part of my life. We have so much history and we get along fine most of the time. We have the same political, religious and child rearing views. I like hanging out with him. For some reason I feel guilty about wanting out especially where he is trying so hard to make things right now. I don't want to hurt him in spite of how much hurt he has caused me, but I just don't know if I can live this way forever.

I think ontheslope hit the nail on the head about why I stay

Because you fear change. We all do. And walking away, as you put it, isn't like changing your socks or changing your hairstyle or even changing cars. It is a soul-sucking, life-altering, redefine-everything-I-thought-I-knew type of change. And that is hard, as hard as it gets.

It seems I have made so many bad decisions In my life that I don't trust myself anymore. I don't know what I should do, what is best for me. I second guess every thought. Ugh, limbo sucks.


Me-BW 49
SAWH 51
Married 27 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jul 2011
iwantamiracle
Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

my post was supposed to be in a different forum....not sure how it ended up here....

i wonder if halloween has anything to do with it...maybe there is a ghost or a spirit at work here..

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:10 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6052 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
movingbackwards
Member
Member # 40612
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

WH is very remorseful, transparent and doing all he can but part of me thinks its just too late... I know I will never fully trust him again. I really dont think I love him anymore and I can't rationalize how it's okay to stay with someone who cheated on me for so long, no matter what he is doing now. Its like it comes down to the principle of the matter. But in spite of feeling this way, I can't pull the trigger and tell him I want a D. I don't know what I want.... For some reason I feel guilty about wanting out especially where he is trying so hard to make things right now. I don't want to hurt him in spite of how much hurt he has caused me, but I just don't know if I can live this way forever.

I feel like I could have written this myself. In fact, a post I wrote yesterday echoes these sentiments. I am in limbo, but WH doesn't even have any idea that I'm considering anything other than staying together because we don't even talk about it anymore. As far as he knows, everything's fine. And I feel guilty because he's doing everything "right", but at this point I'm feeling like it doesn't matter, like there's nothing he can ever do to make it right, and nothing that will satisfy me. But I still can't bring myself to even bring up D.


You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
Roxyme765
New Member
Member # 41764
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

I am so glad I found this. I haven't been on this site long and have talked and read about limbo in other forums. I have been doing this crazy ride since I found out in April.
I feel like I am at the point of a lot of other people I read. WS is doing everything right - right now... As far as I know. I thought he had been doing everything right for a couple of months now but I swear he can't make a good decision to save his life. Lies, omissions. I feel like sometimes I am trying. I try to tell him: you need to take a step back, look at how your actions affect other people (not just me. Friends he has lost from his selfishness and rude behavior in general). How is it hard to take a step back and say "if this was being done to me how would I feel?"

So I really do feel he is trying right now to "win me back" but I feel like it is too late. I'm not ready to say "ok I am 100% done". We have a young daughter together. I want to make sure I am 150% sure of my decision before I move forward to divorce or reconcile. I moved out, back in to R then back out again. My daughter is my #1 and I don't want to confuse and yoyo her. I get so frustrated when my friends tell me just to move back in with my H and give it a try if I think I might want to R.
And i feel like good gosh! I found out about his many affairs in April! It's been 8 months! When will I be closer to knowing what's right. And in a lot of ways people on this site have made me feel SO much better knowing that this isn't an abnormal time frame. But I don't know that I can keep doing this!
And I haaaate it when my H asks me "what does your gut tell you?" I don't know! It depends on the day! I admitted to him yesterday sometimes I look at him and think "we love each other why can't we make this work?" And sometimes I look at him and feel.... Nothing. I just feel nothing. And we had sex last night. But I didn't feel closer to him. It didn't feel magical. I just missed the sex... He's good at it.

Even in counseling I said I don't think I will EVER be able to forgive him. It blows my mind that he thinks I might be able to. I think forgiveness to me means more. Like I'm not the type of person who throws around "I love you" to people. It means more than how people seem to treat it. Forgiveness. Being able to say "I can't forget but I am at peace with it. It isn't causing me crippling pain. I am not holding your actions against you any longer". I don't think I will ever feel that way. Like if someone was drunk driving and hit me with their car and both my legs were amputated as a result. I can't forgive you. I still don't have any damn legs because of you!

I have spent a lot of time with my H lately because of the holidays for our daughter. I actually feel more distant.

But the thought of him even TALKING to another girl makes me physically ill! How will I deal with that if we divorce?

It's so stupid. "I don't want you but no one else can have you".

I feel like a crazy person. My wheels are constantly spinning and I'm going no where.

And I'm afraid to be on my own financially. I literally don't know how I'll pay my bills. I've never been alone. Parents to college to husband. I've been with him since I was 19.

What what what am I doing?!


Me: BS, 30
Him: WS, 30
D-Day: April 2013 (about 5 years of cheating with multiple OW)
2 or 3? false R.
DIVORCED! 07/2014!!

Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
AlexFL
Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

I feel similar to a lot of posts. It's been almost 3 months since I found out for a 3rd time my H of 24 years has cheated. This time no protection ONS. It's heart breaking because how crushed I was last time, how much hurt and we got thru it only to find myself here again. This is obviously something he has wrong with him but it still makes me feel ugly and insecure. I am in limbo because I enjoyed being with him. We had fun, excitement , all the way to the end. We had so many good times and accomplished so much. We he says he will let me go because he doesn't want to do this to me anymore, it scares me. How do u let go someone u love but how do you stay with someone who is flawed and didn't care that they've hurt u over and over. He is remorseful but that will only last for so long. I am in total limbo

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

Hi All.... Welcome to the limbo train. It's a wild ride.

We started with a new MC/IC/FC. The kids had their first meeting with him before Christmas and they all liked him. This is major. My DD vetoed the previous one. I think this one may be able to help.

My WH says he is committed to making this work. He gave me the most sentimental handmade gift for Christmas - best gift he ever gave me.

And yet, I struggle with belief and trust. He has pulled the carpet out from under me so many times, I just keep looking down, waiting to see that tug on the corner. He says he is going to move back in. Shouldn't I be happy? I kinda feel ambivalent.

I don't trust him not to "run away" again when things get hard. He leaves when the kids turn up the heat on him over what he's done to our family. I don't trust his ability to stick it out and face the tough stuff.

When he's happy and fun - I remember all the good times. Today he was angry and grumpy about a disastrous home project and it brought back all the negative feelings. When my co-dependent side started to feel bad for the time he spent and frustration he had, my newly developed sense of self said "Too bad. How many hours did I care for our home and family while you had your 'alone' time? How many hours do you devote to your job and workouts and put our family as your lowest priority? How many hours/nights did you take from our family and things that needed doing here to spend with HER? So, why on Earth, would I spend one moment feeling guilty that you sacrificed an entire day to accomplish this home project? Answer: I don't. F him."

Sorry, I guess I needed to vent. And this is my limbo. We do a spectacular dance with R. We glide in... and back out... He's talked of moving back in since June. His lease is up at the end of January. It certainly doesn't feel like a real commitment to R if he just comes back when his lease is up.

Some days I just want to tell him to go back to his fantasy luuurv life with her. I'd want to be a fly on the wall when they discovered the real "them" in the real world. They actually deserve each other. He doesn't deserve, nor has he earned, the gift of R or forgiveness I've offered.

Wish I had answers to my own questions. Sorry we all find ourselves here. Sorry for my rambling post....

(((roxyme))) (((alex))) sorry you find yourself in limbo with all of us!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 741 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Newanxiety23
New Member
Member # 41442
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

I've been in limbo four months and it feels like four years!! I have been married 19 years and he has had several online and real life affairs over the past 9 years? This is the most painful decision to stay or go. He pretends like everything is fine but I know he is still in contact with OW. In my dream world I would want to R if he will finally get IC for his sex addiction and coping skills. He uses any major life change as an excuse why he has an affair. My youngest graduates in 1.5 years but I don't know if I physically and mentally can survive this "dance" until then. I can't believe that there are so many others walking around in this same pain. Some days it is unbearable and I make it through that hour because
I think of my wonderful children and the future life I will have with them.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Indiana
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Hi NewAnxiety and welcome to Limbo... although none of us want to be here.

The only advice I can offer at this point is to focus on yourself. Try to figure out little (or big) things that make you happy.

My IC/MC kept telling me to stop worrying about the outcome (I have no control over anything but myself). I "heard" it.... It took much longer to "live" it. I kept thinking I could fix him, point out what he needed to fix, make him understand. I'm beginning to let go of that.

I've decided I'm committed to the PROCESS of R, but I'm not committed to the RESULT. It's actually been very liberating. I will fix myself and live my life. He will fix himself or I will continue on my own. And I'm becoming more okay with that idea every day.

If he steps up, fantastic. We have a lot of reasons to stay together. But if he doesn't, I don't have to stay. I will be okay on my own.

I know I've read tons of good advice on this website. It's a journey just to internalize it all. The advice has always been right though. The best is to be kind to yourself. Know you are worthy of all things good. Worthy of love, trust, faithfulness, respect. Get it... or walk.

You don't need to decide today, tomorrow, next week, or next month. Just get stronger and someday, we will all know the right answer for ourselves.

Wishing all of us in limbo a better 2014. May we find internal peace and tranquility and strength. Thanks to everyone on this site for all the good advice and support.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 741 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Survivor9582
Member
Member # 41388
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Ahhhh....limbo. What a truly awful word. Hate the dance, hate the place of being. My husband moved out after being confronted by me regarding his EA. Refuses to talk to me because he is ashamed and feels like a POS. He should. But while our marriage was far from perfect, and so was I, his compounding the problem by confiding in another woman was devastating. His guilt is holding us back...I want to try MC and possibly R, but he truly believes I cannot forgive him for all the wrongs he has done. So...I wait in this limbo...wait for him to realize that I still love him and want to work on forgiveness for everything. Limbo...a truly awful place.


Me:BW-42
Him:WH-40 (EA)
He left when confronted with the EA, refuses to talk about it, but cannot give me answers to my questions because he "doesn't know" anything.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Kitty70
Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

I've been in limbo for months/years, really. I'm looking for advice or to hear others' experiences. What do you do when you're in a lovebombing rugsweeping situation? For me, off and on over the years I've come across inappropriate things and chose to either confront or not confront and just live with it. I got either vague answers or no answers. Recently there's more stuff I have come across that are dealbreakers for me, at least they should be. I have tried getting him to just admit things in the last month, but he just won't and rugsweeps.

The last couple of weeks I have been resolved to end things, not sleeping/eating, etc. However, he's been acting motivated and being helpful, looking for a new job, talking gleefully about the future with me, abandoning his favorite activities, etc. to spend time with me. I'm not doing the 180 as I should (I was) and feel myself getting sucked back in. It's so hard b/c I love him but what he's done is just no good. We're not married but have been together 9 years. He's done the "I'm motivated" bit in the past. But recently he moved in with me out of necessity and I think he's realized he couldn't carry on as he used to when we lived apart. I just don't know if he's capable of change. There are other things that have bothered me in this relationship and in the last year I've just felt it's time to move on. Someone please be harsh and slap me out of being sucked back in.


Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
Kitty70
Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Well it's 'ok' now. Broke up with him last night. Couldn't believe it, but I did it.


Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I'm in limbo, I guess.....

WH is continuing his A, I'm continuing to hope he will end it....he isn't making a move to go anywhere because our DD's mental health is in a precarious spot right now....

I'm just praying that he comes around to God's will as he says he wants to do what is "right by God"....ummmm....this doesn't seem like it would be a difficult answer to I spot....but apparently, it is.

I spend a lot of time praying every day...it's how I keep my sanity.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I was in limbo until this week. I am done. Oh, everything between us is just fine and dandy, as long as the A is never mentioned. Also, there can be no talk of how I can feel safe in the future since he has never felt it necessary to adhere to the boundaries we mutually agreed upon 4 years ago after his first A.

So, as long as we can rugsweep, he is happy. No regard to how it makes me feel. The kids want him gone but that doesn't matter to him either.

So, I have to play this game until my ducks are in a row. That is fine. I can be deceitful too, I learned from the master and I am a quick study.

I can't wait until the day when HE thinks everything is going well and I can have him served.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
industriousbee
Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 27th (Monday)

I am thankful for this thread. I am in limbo 14 months post dday. I cannot decide if the A was a deal breaker for me or not. I feel like a ONS would be easier for me to get over than a 9 month affair that would have kept happening if I didn't discover it. I saw a receipt in his car yesterday and asked about it because it was from a store the OW works at. The receipt did not specify the location so I am not sure if it was from her location or another I asked about it and he got angry with me and later told me he is at his wits end. Then later that day he talks about us buying another home together. This is so confusing and does not make me believe he is remorseful. He also knows regular IC for him is important to me to be able to R. He has gone 4 times in the last 14 months. I am tired of asking him to schedule and I think I may be ready to give up. There are so many pros and cons to a D with a young child. I am still trying to find my way. I am sorry we are all having to deal with this.


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
kitkat2013
New Member
Member # 42302
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

After reading several posts on this topic, I realize I too am in limbo. Im going to try to make a very long story short. I am not familiar with all the abbreviations so please be patient with me

1. Since D-day, WH has gone back and forth to OW.
2. We have grown much closer and communicate constantly and openly about our feelings and the direction our marriage is taking.
3. He currently wants to continue to keep the OW in his life and he also wants to stay married to me. He states that he loves me and cant imagine life without me but he understands my need to possibly leave.
4. He says that although he knows that this causes me pain, he just wants to do what he desires at this point in his life.
5. His relationship with the OW is long distance and he does not see her often so the relationship is not very sexual in nature.
6. He does not want to have sex with me because he feels he is cheating on the OW.

I am 9 months post dday and I have done a lot of work on myself. This forum along with A LOT of self help/marriage/affair books have helped me along the way. This forum has given me such hope that I will be ok no matter what and that R is possible.

Can anyone relate to my situation?


Don't just go through life, grow through life.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2014
StruckNumb
Member
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Kitkat2013, I've not encountered this to have much input but I am wondering if you're angry. And if you're not, why aren't you? Your husband basically is stating he wants something like a polygamous marriage, multiple wives. Where are your desires in this? Where do you fit actually? Where do you want to be? He's physically around you the most but he doesn't want to have relations with you, his wife, because it's being unfaithful to her, the mistress, whom he sees infrequently? Does this make sense to you?

Actually, I want to add that since he says he understands you may need to leave it actually means he, himself, has decided to move on to do solely what satisfies him. He's already decided he's willing to lose you to keep her.

[This message edited by StruckNumb at 2:51 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
kitkat2013
New Member
Member # 42302
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

strucknumb, I am angry and sad but Im not devastated like I have been in the past.

As for my desires, I have stated clearly that I do not want to deal with another woman in our marriage and that I want to have an intimate sexual relationship with my husband.

Whenever I do mention that I don't think I will be able to continue this way, he back peddles and tries to come up with reasons for me to stay but in essence, he just wants to do what he wants to do.

I have difficulty because he is very loving towards me and we spend time and laugh together, we parent well together and continue to strive for a lot of the same goals. He has said before that he doesn't think that his relationship with the OW will last very much longer but I don't know.

I guess based on what you have mentioned, I would have to become completely angry and fed up. Its weird, he doesn't talk to her everyday and they communicate infrequently so I don't really understand what hes holding on to. He says that he likes their relationship because there is nothing deep about it. Its very superficial and full of fantasy and he likes that.

Oh well, to answer your question, I just don't know yet which direction Im going to go in.


Don't just go through life, grow through life.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2014
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Kitkat2013, I'm just horrified for you. Yes I do think you need to get angry.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 905 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Amen to limbo for me, too. We are trying to R, but the more time goes on and my shock wears off, the more I feel like I just don't want him or care anymore. I am strong enough to live without him and stubborn and proud, which are either helping or hindering my process. Not sure which one yet. I am putting my foot down on many areas of life, that is for sure. The only thing I can say is that we are living together, married, and not divorcing today.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1229 | Registered: Dec 2013
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

The dreaded limbo....here I am. It's no life. I'm not married, and I'm not single. My mind flips from being able to swallow the *shit sandwich* he presented to me, to adamantly proclaiming 'I've had enough!'
For me, I think that I am in this place not so much because of the actual betrayal, but more pointedly because of what I have come to realize is his inability to work HARD......for ME. It's complicated. His general personality is kind and gentle and fairly patient. He is the youngest child ( read: baby ), of very indulgent parents. I don't believe he was ever made to face harsh consequences for his actions. So.....what I'm left to decide is: is it okay that I have done 90% of the hard work? Is his promise of 'this won't happen again', more like a New Years resolution, that if not waved in front of his face, disappear when I stop watching?
What I wouldn't do for just ONE time, he would open a conversation about how I feel, how much I've endured because of his self-centered decisions. But it's always me. We are separated at present. I thought it would be easier for me to make a clear decision without his appealing self always around. It hasn't. What do I have to do; give myself a due date like this is a term paper I need to pass in? I'm disgusted with myself , as well as with him. Why can't I finally decide?


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 529 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
kitkat2013
New Member
Member # 42302
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

Gotmegood: I know the space you are in mentally. I have been using meditation to try and center myself and my thoughts so that I can make a decision one way or the other.

Remember, only you can decide for yourself. Some days, I do have a very negative view of what Im going through and other days I do not.

Sometimes it just feels like its just too much, ALL OF IT! The truth is only you will know what to do when its time to do it. I know that sucks but its the truth. Im right there with you!!


Don't just go through life, grow through life.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2014
Gardenerinpain
New Member
Member # 42323
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I can so relate to all these posts and am so glad to find I am not crazy, or if I am, I have lots of company!
We are separated (5 months) and just started talking and want to reconcile, but WH is still in contact with OW and waffling over sending NC email. Says he will "prove" I can trust him, but offers nothing concrete.
I just wish I could stop loving him...


Me: BS 60
He: F?WH 71
OW: 70
Married 32 years.
DDay March 2012
Separated since September 2013.
Trying to reconcile.

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley


Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: South
Hoping2survive
New Member
Member # 32402
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, February 15th (Saturday)

So glad I found this thread! I feel like the biggest loser for not making a concrete decision. We've been trying to R for over two years now. I've also been doing a lot of meditation and just putting my foot down about stuff that is important to me - without guilt! What I'm finding is that I'm seeing everything more clearly, but it's scary. I look at my marriage and I think - if this were my best friend's life, what would I tell her? If this was my daughter's life, what would I tell her?

I believe the writing is on the wall, but I'm afraid of the consequences for my kids. I'm getting stronger every day, but damn it, I do love the guy. But I am struggling to get past the deliberateness of his actions outside our marriage. All because he says he was feeling lonely in our marriage. Well. I had just lost my mother 3 months before and moved our kids to another state for his job. Did he ever consider how I was feeling? Did he ever ask? It doesn't appear so.

Now he's in panic mode because I've finally been speaking up in MC and 'speaking my truth' as they say. I told him I'm having a hard time getting over this and not sure I can. But where was all the TLC prior to my telling him how I'm feeling?

We have three teens. I know that our middle daughter knows more than we think. She was making dinner for everybody when I locked myself in the bathroom for three days after D-Day. But, she's also a daddy's girl and argues with me constantly. The fallout would be awful, and I'm not sure I can handle that either.

I'm just getting tired of living my life for everyone else and pleasing nobody - not even myself! Don't know what to do.


D-Day - 4/2011
Married 20 years
DD18, DD15,DS13
Been trying to R - growing weary
In limbo, thinking about LS or D

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2011
lilmonkey
New Member
Member # 41682
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I am 13 months post D-Day (and TT which came out about 7 months ago about him breaking NC) and I am most definitely in limbo. Looking through my diary, which I started writing in the past two months, every other entry has been "I don't know if I should stay" or "I can't make up my mind."

The thing is, my WBF (or should I say FBF) has been amazing throughout this whole process. He made it very clear that he did what he did before we got serious, before we loved each other, and he immediately stopped once he fell in love with me. He has been nothing but kind and sweet and perfect ever since (except for some minor fights here and there). I just feel like now I'm the problem because I don't think I'll ever get over it. I forgave him for what he did because he was so remorseful about it, but I'll never get over the fact that someone I thought was so sweet and caring towards others went out of his way to betray someone he cared about. What kind of soul does that? I always wonder, if he is capable of doing it then, why wouldn't he be capable of doing it now? He put his feelings before mine, he put his own selfish desires over mine, and he succumbed to the slightest flirtation of an old fling.

I have never been more happy or more depressed at the same time in one year. I constantly wonder if the roller-coaster is worth it. If I know I'll never get over it, but we are the happiest we've ever been in our relationship, is it worth it to stay? I just don't want to realize 3 years later that I've made the wrong choice and all of a sudden I'm starting from scratch when I could have made myself a new life years before...


Posts: 46 | Registered: Dec 2013
lovehatelove
Member
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I have never been more happy or more depressed at the same time in one year. I constantly wonder if the roller-coaster is worth it. If I know I'll never get over it, but we are the happiest we've ever been in our relationship, is it worth it to stay? I just don't want to realize 3 years later that I've made the wrong choice and all of a sudden I'm starting from scratch when I could have made myself a new life years before...

This is EXACTLY how I feel....


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
joannie
Member
Member # 42486
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Yes it's how i feel too, one minute happy then down in the pit again, a nice day great am high as a kite with joy, a voice not quite right when i call im ...down in the pit...roller coaster it is, but not one i wanted to ride


me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 151 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
OneBrokenGirl
New Member
Member # 41700
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Sign me up. Limbo land for me too. I think I'm afraid to commit completely to our "second chance." I'm scared. I don't fully have all the truth. He claims he never loved her... She says he said he did and emails from her prior to me finding out indicate that being true.

I don't want to go through a second dday. I don't want to face all this shit again. I can't trust again and believe what I share with someone is special.

Sometimes I think it may be best.... Me.. My son...My pets. Just us. There isn't anyone going to "save me" but myself.


Me: BS, 39
Him: WH, 40,
Married 15 years


Posts: 45 | Registered: Dec 2013
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

@ Hopingto Survive:


i'm just getting tired of living my life for everyone else and pleasing nobody - not even myself! Don't know what to do.

you seem to have got to the nub of it. nobody wants you to live for everyone else, so why do you?


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5147 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

Another club I belong to!!
I am in limbo because I knew I did not have the full truth. Recently I supposedly got it! But I am not sure I have the entire truth. Not sure if that is my gut or my friends input or that I am in the thick of things and can not believe anything he says! That he could be still lying! He is learning about compulsive liars and applying what he has learned and discusses with me. He says at this point all he has is his actions. I am not sure what to do or how I feel so I sit.

So here I sit! On that dam fence!!!


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 149 | Registered: Jul 2011
ChinaCat
Member
Member # 42797
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I am waiting until my ducks are in a row too.

I can not wait until that day he gets the papers!

I have a meeting this week with my lawyers and will be working on making sure that child-man does not screw me over. I am putting safeguards in place for my child and myself.


"Every time I stay out late; every time I sleep in; every time I miss a workout; every time I don't give 100% - I make it that much easier for him to beat me!"
Me: BS & Beautiful!

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Welcome, ChinaCat! It looks like you've got a foot in limbo, and a foot towards where you want to go.

It's good to remember that whether your heart is in staying or going, lining up ducks (healthy, legal, effective ones) to protect yourself is always a good idea.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18314 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
LeftOutintheCold
Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I'm in early stages of limbo. My WH ran out the night he told me about the A (one month ago) and I still have no idea what is happening. He refuses to talk to me about it. One minute I'm pissed at the situation he's left me in and I can't wait to be able to afford an attorney to set his ass straight and then the next, I'm wallowing in self-pity.

I've read so many other posts in this thread and am so very glad to know that my feelings are "normal" for the situation. It just doesn't make it any easier. I just hate having no idea if we're headed towards D. We are physically separated, but no steps (that I know of) have been taken to make it legal. I just continue to sit around each day and wonder what's going to happen next. Then I pray every night before I attempt to sleep that I'm given the strength to handle whatever comes next. Then I get up and repeat each day over. I'd love just sleep until this over.


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
Smashedat58
Member
Member # 41705
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

Well, I don't know if I'm posting in the right place, because I'm not in limbo, but my adult children are. My WS can't admit to having an EA, but just says that he fell in love with his coworker, and out of love with me. I am pursuing a divorce, and he has no choice but to go along. He really needs therapy and is doing all sorts of unusual things, he forgot to file our taxes, etc. Our children agree that he needs therapy, too, but he won't submit to it, and still fails to see why he should. He is only guilty of falling in love. The children are in limbo, they loved their father, but don't know who this man is wearing their father's clothes. I wish there was some way to compel him to get help. He will lose his children, too, if he doesn't.

Posts: 171 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
Bridie38
New Member
Member # 42801
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

Relieved to realize I'm not the only one in limbo!! I always feel that other people think 'What's she doing, why hasn't she kicked him out'. Probably they don't but that's just me.

It is so difficult to even think straight let alone make life changing decisions and yet I know I must at some point. Been together 42 years and so it is so scary even thinking about going it alone. Trying to get extra hours of work to help me fund myself, feeling emotionally drained, afraid and confused.

The last 5 mths have left me a different person, i don't think i will ever get over this.

Hope people in limbo with me find a way to make some choices which enable them to move forward - me included!


Posts: 17 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 14th (Monday)

I was posting in another thread and the things I wanted to say seemed to fit better here.

It can be REALLY hard to know what to do at this point, despite having a completely remorseful, faithful FWS.

I've pretty much come to terms that I am in R for the protection of my DD4. I don't fear FWH, I know that he loves DD4 with all of his heart and would never deliberately hurt her. The scary fact is that he gives her incorrect medications, looks out the window while driving and I have to scream that there is a breaking car on the highway, and forgets to give her lunch. Some of these things can be categorized as minor inconveniences, but there are some really big flags regarding her safety and accidents that I am so deeply concerned about that I am trying to overlook the fact that I think our relationship may have ran it's course.

It makes me really sad, but it also feels like the right thing to do for now. I love Crazz very much, but I spend too much of my day bouncing between anxiety and resentment. We could get back into MC, but I don't think I have a single journal entry over the last 10 years that didn't mention how I felt that we might not be suited for each other. Crazz grew up in a house where his parents bickered all day every day and he thinks it's normal. I feel that married people should enjoy each other more than resent each other. I know that there are rough patches (years) but this seems to transcend that.

His dad smugly told us that we had nothing in common and would split up "soon." I think I hung around to prove him wrong. Shame on me.

Just getting thoughts out today. Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:22 AM, April 14th (Monday)]


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18314 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
PRNDL
Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, April 18th (Friday)

Never ever LIMBO! Ever.

I did it for 7 months. Limbo was more traumatic the the d-days themselves.

My advice:
After d-day number 1, 180D their ass, kick then out or leave, NC. No mercy. End it and D. Prevent further D-days and pain. Cheaters are mentally ill narcissistic monsters.

If you want R, follow the above plan, and re-evaluate them after they meet all criteria for a person who is truly remorseful, seeks IC, fixes themselves, proves the A is over, and kisses your ass to prove they will never cheat again. Based on my experience. People R due to fear of leaving and change.


BH: 36 (me)
WS: 31 / OM: 31
Son: 12
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, April 19th (Saturday)

PRNDL - I'm going to go ahead and assume you mean to be helpful instead of insulting. This thread is for people who need support while in limbo. We get that limbo might not be the healthiest place to park, but we're posting in here to get some protection from judgement, even if it's masquerading as forcible advice.

People R due to fear of leaving and change.

That is a pretty gigantic slap in to the face for a lot of members here. Please consider the nature of the members and forum that you are posting in.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18314 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 5:31 AM, April 19th (Saturday)

PRNDL,

Please note the following guideline:

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

Also, this thread is for BSs in limbo. If you are not a BS in limbo, you shouldn't be posting on this thread.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
PRNDL
Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, April 21st (Monday)

Im sorry. Wont happen again. My only experience in these matters are with my STBXW who was horrible to me abd someone I can not R with.


BH: 36 (me)
WS: 31 / OM: 31
Son: 12
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Keepcalm
Member
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, April 21st (Monday)

I have to say that this has been a very helpful thread. I have been in Limbo for 2 years. My husband keeps saying he wants to work on the marriage, but then does not do what is asked in marriage counselling. I have even gotten the "I explained it, I have nothing more to add" speech. I don't want to live this way. This thread has empowered me to move forward and hopefully leave limbo behind.
Thanks to all that have shared their stories. It really helped me.


BS Me 57
WS Him 55
Married 30 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
I have no idea what is going on

Posts: 184 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
TheBestMe
Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, April 21st (Monday)

@Jrazz- OMG, what a source of normalcy to see you here. I am a strong woman and people ask me "Why are you not divorcing him?". I have my reasons.

I feel that no matter what positive actions and reinforcement that my H gives me, I will always be in limbo. I will never trust him again and will never love him as deeply as I did. I accept my feelings as my reality. Oddly, I'm ok with it for now. It would be unfair to take all of this negativity into a new relationship.

There are some other areas in my life that I need to work on improving. There just has not been enough time since the LTA ended and my H's cancer diagnosis for me to make a decision about the M.

I am so relieved to have a place where I can share my feelings.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
ShellyShell
Member
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 21st (Monday)

This thread is awesome! Thanks for posting your stories because it helps to read them. I am in limbo of my own doing... DDay #3 was 2 months ago. I said I was done and ready to move on. And I was. He immediately began TRUE remorse, the like of which I had never seen before. He started IC. Our MC became my IC. I am trying to give it 6 months to decide but I want to bolt half the time. He says it is totally up to me what happens next but he wants to R, he'll wait as long as he has to he says. We have really good days and really bad days. I just want to know what I want one way or another but I know it will take time. It's nice to know I'm not the only indecisive person around here LOL.


Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2014
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, April 21st (Monday)

It's a rough position. The whole "damned if you do, damned if you don't" mentality is something that definitely needs to be overcome rather than settled on.

For some, it just takes a lot more time and juggling of logistics to sort out. I feel bad for the members who feel ashamed to wait. There are so many questions that we chew on all day every day...

"Does this count as abuse?"

"Am I putting my needs before my kid(s)'?"

"How much "marketability" am I willing to lose before I can make a decision??"


I think it's ok to take as much time as you need, if you still don't have all the answers. If the answer IS staring us in the face and we're too scared to make the move... well, we get help for that. Counseling, SI, friends and family... whatever works. We can only do the best we can every day. Remember that little bitty steps towards the goal are still progress.


t/j -

@Jrazz- OMG, what a source of normalcy to see you here

Ooh girl, I don't know if you want ME to be a marker for normalcy.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18314 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
industriousbee
Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

I am still here in Limbo land. I am sorry we are here but glad I am not alone. So I had a realization last night: I would feel more eager to try to get over WS affair if we moved to another state. Has anyone let their pride get in the way of R?


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
Merida
Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

oh I can so relate to the problems with my pride

my family so does not support my decision to even consider R at this point... there's a possible OC involved and it's just a nightmare I am so not willing to face how I am gonna tell my kids at some point

but than I can't think how I can just throw away 20 years of my life

is it I just fear change? Am I being too optimistic to think he can change (and obviously I can as well to finally have the marriage I deserve)

I am so new to all of this still I am totally riding the roller coaster.

Main problem right now I have with pride is I am not taking anti-depressants (he is), and so I am wondering if the emotional swings are worse than they otherwise would be...I worry I am needlessly suffering but don't want to have that as a crutch

so yah, the "strong" woman in me is really struggling with realizing how not in control I feel just all the time now... ah well

one day at a time - this is a marathon so I am not pacing it as a sprint


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
PollyA
Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, May 9th (Friday)

WHY didn't I ever post here before????

Right after discovering that for 8 years , my H had 100 anonymous sexual encounters with men, I was committed to therapy and seeing if he's gay, bi, wants to be single, blah, blah. I knew of H's interest in oral sex with men, and had agreed it could be something we enjoyed together. I've known H for 30 years, had been "his first", he'd been married to a different woman for ten years, with no male encounters and he certainly has no problems thoroughly enjoying "lady parts" up close. Our sex life was amazing. And then fell off, and then was amazing at times, and then we got in a rut, and then it was amazing again..you know....what I consider "normal".

After the disclosure of him having had gay sex with two men, I wasn't exactly committed to the marriage, because I felt perhaps this man isn't really wanting a monogamous relationship. I was willing to try to understand because he seemed so remorseful.

Six months of saying "I swear, THIS time it's the whole truth!" (maybe ten times???), 100 men, chlamydia, lies, emotional outbursts (me), realizing we were married only two years before he began this behavior, not so much committed to giving a FLYING FUCK about him. It's all about me now, and I'd just as soon he walk out the door then get up and make me coffee tomorrow morning.

After six months of trickle truth, I have so less respect for him, it's changed me. I got no more to give. He realizes that now.

I've left. But only for a few weeks, or for a few days. If I'd had the money to leave in January, I would have left.

However, we commute to the same job which is about 45 minutes away. We have no kids, but the animals are my heart's delight. It's hard to find an apartment (and SUPER EXPENSIVE if you DO find one) in my city.

I have told only a few friends because the few close friends (who are all out of town) I told say, "leave the asshole" and "he's obviously gay". Those answers aren't as clear to me.

In the meantime, I quit the marriage counseling...wasted $1300...and he's in IC and finally seems to understand what he's destroyed. He's a bit better at communicating. Not great, but better. He doesn't know yet how to rebuild our marriage, but I think he realizes now that I'm not going to be the one to do it.

We went to a new marriage counselor where I told her my feelings. She looked at him and said, "You know she has one foot out the door, right?" I think he knows. But, I'm not sure he is ABLE to do what needs to be done. Hell, I don't even KNOW what can be done to restore this marriage. He's broken so many promises, and not lived up to his word, I jump on every little problem. He's disrespected me for so long, I will not accept even a LITTLE bit more of that.

I don't have a marriage right now, that's for sure.

Here's my fear. What IF he IS on his way to becoming an awesome partner?

If I leave, I'd have gone through the trauma and fiscal struggle. I've already lost my best friend. We're excellent activity partners, and enjoy many cultural activities together. If our sex life could be restored, which I'm unsure if it can be, and I'd have trust in him...well, I'd hate to miss out on that.

On the other hand, if I stay and trust him the way I need to trust a partner, he could go right back to having a secret life that puts my life in danger.

Limbo = Hell


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 135 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
PollyA
Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, May 9th (Friday)

Merida,

Would you take an aspirin for a headache?

Stress causes changes in the brain chemistry which can lead to depression, anxiety, fear and pain.

Finding relief during this stressful period is not a crutch. If an anti-depressant can help you, it's a tool to get through this time.

Now wait, I take that back. If your leg is broken, but you want to keep moving and working and living your life, you'll use a crutch!

I hereby proclaim "a crutch" as a GOOD thing, not a BAD thing!

I had a stressful situation in my life when my therapist explained that the depression I was feeling was "situational". He suggested Celexa to help alleviate my obsessive thinking. I was so grateful. It helped me sleep, not because it was a tranquilizer, but because I could stop my brain from it's preoccupation. I only took it for three months, after which I no longer needed it.

That said, I'm not advocating for it. Only you and your doctor can decide if an anti-depressant is a good tool for you right now.


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 135 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Wow, glad to find this forum. I have been on SI for a while, moved from JFO to Reconciliation and then had to 'kick myself out' of R forum when I went through Dday #2.

After informing our MC of Dday #2, I quit MC and informed WH that he needed to go IC (which he has). My WH had continued the affair WHILE we were in MC.

So now it seems that he is full of remorse. Wants to fix this. But I am on the fence. Don't feel the love. I am struggling with the question, "Am I better off with him, or without him?" Can MC help us/me rekindle the love and 'like'?

I know I need to go to IC, and am working on doing so.

Does anyone have any advice on making the BIG DECISION on whether to stay or leave?


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Does anyone have any advice on making the BIG DECISION on whether to stay or leave?

My advice for you? Wait a little bit more, if you can. There will come a point in the process where your true feelings will be more clear, even if you're not ready to make a decision. My FWH lied and maintained contact through the first few weeks of MC, and when it all came out he really did go NC completely.

It still took me at LEAST a year for the rollercoaster emotions to give way to the more rational ones. There are so many triggers and reactions in that first year that it's really hard to know the difference between reality and blind panic. If he is doing the work and you have hope that something good may come of it, there's ZERO shame in sticking it out. Money, history, kids.... these things make it SO much harder to make a decision than to just make a move for ourselves. Work on where YOU want to be in little baby steps, and your path will become more clear as you go.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18314 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
PollyA
Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

You don't need to decide. You'll know when you've made a decision.

But you also can make decisions to make your life better RIGHT NOW. In retrospect, I wish I'd INSISTED that he leave the house. It is difficult, money wise. Apartments are expensive and tough to find in my city. Even so, I wouldn't have had to listen to the trickle truth every time, and have my head explode.

I wish I'd insisted on him going to IC immediately, as well. For six months he lied during MC. I want time as well as the money back!

It is now much easier to live with H, but in the meantime, I've suffered so much emotional trauma, I don't know if I'll ever forgive.

I still love him, but it doesn't mean I will ever be able to be the loving supportive, trusting spouse that I know I need to be to feel truly married.


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 135 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Jrazz & PollyA:

Thank you for your comments! WH and I had a discussion tonight after his IC session.

He seems to really be in remorse now, but how can I know the truth?

I want time as well as the money back!

I think I'm going to insist on this. I have told him I need my space to think things over, and I am going to take a mini vacation to the beach - by myself! I am SO pissed that I spent 5 months in MC while he continued the affair!


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2013
Rubyrain
New Member
Member # 42897
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

Hello, glad to find this forum. I'm very much in limbo at the moment. My H has lied to me, cheated in me, and when I busted him, the fucker hit me. And I feel like such a dupe for saying this, but I still wonder if we can R. No one will support me in that, I know. Physical abuse is the queen mother of all deal breakers, always was for me, too. The most I could hope for is that I not get too much overt pressure and they all save their comments and judgement for when my back is turned. :(

I don't know what I want, honestly I know I want my family intact, but what I now know is absolutely unacceptable. I don't know if I can forgive him enough to move on, and even if I could, I don't know whether I can trust him. He's very remorseful and has good intentions right now, but he's not putting recovery before everything else...

Anyway.thanks for this thread.


Me: BS 37
Him: SA 34
Dday: 3/22/14
4 years together and 2 kids
Porn, strippers, contacted escorts... what more?

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
-Kurt Vonnegut


Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2014
alleyk
Member
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, May 18th (Sunday)

Just found this group, and I guess I belong here.

I just cannot seem to let go of my wh. After dday1 he claimed to only want me and be fully committed to mending our m. Then dday2 where I found he was still texting ow. We started MC but he didn't seem committed and I thought he was lying. Then over many months of snooping and discovery I have pretty much confirmed he has has numerous sexual encounters over the course of our whole relationship. I confronted him with it a few weeks ago and now he says he is a SA and was molested. He basically has been begging me to help him through this and he wants therapy. I just don't have much energy or love left to help him, plus no trust and no confidence he'll just cheat again in the future. I feel that I am just being used and abused. But I am having a hard time letting go. I've had plenty of opportunity the past two weeks to say so, and I did tell him I want a divorce and needed my space. But then he comes home, brings me gifts, acts as if we can repair, and I just sit in silence like a deer in the headlights.

I keep thinking that there will be some moment I just say ENOUGH, and I don't know why I haven't gotten there. Well perhaps because I am an authentic and empathetic individual and he knows that. There are things I don't want to lose too, mutual friends, career connections, things I have created my identity around for a decade.

But... Instead I have been running away, leaving the house if he's there.


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

People hear the term "shock" and think it's a brief period of time, but I think it can last months and months if not years. It truly takes a long time to process what has happened, and until the ground stops moving out from under your feet it's OK to not know how to respond, or what move to make.

Being gentle with yourself is key to moving healthfully through this. Just because you haven't left right this second doesn't mean that when you feel the time is right you can make that move. Having hope isn't foolish, it's natural and it does pan out sometimes.

Sending big hugs to everyone tonight.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18314 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Sadjacey
Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, May 24th (Saturday)

I only found this thread yesterday - and have read a little. Limbo is definitely where I feel I am. Stuck. Unhappy. Not knowing what to do. Still together, in MC, both in IC - he seems certain of what he wants. I'm not. And not enjoying the feeling.


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 150 | Registered: Dec 2013
ifeellikeafool
Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)

I don't even think I'm in limbo it seems more like hell all the lies and cheating he getting IC and we are in MC but he doesn't get it I'm still always gonna wonder if I'm second choice my happiness and self esteem is forever damaged. No matter how hard I try to explain that to WH he still don't get it. I never thought we would be like this.


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
Caretaker1
Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, May 30th (Friday)

Limbo sucks and it's hard, but life is short....if they cheat I don't want to look in their eyes as the last one I see on this earth. All that energy wasted on what? I can rationalize all day...it was because he/she is bipolar, or depressed, or I could have been a better spouse....the end of the day is a boundary was crossed....a promise was broken.....I either live with that shadow in my mind or I say I deserve better than this crap...lean forward....Use it to find yourself again, connect with your core values and eventually find a better love. I'm not going to repeat any co dependence, learned helplessness, or be anyone's door mat or whipping post. No one on here stepped over that boundary yet our significant others did. Our core values stayed the course. No excuses for them, I'm sorry. Positive affirmations help, IC, doing things that you as an individual enjoy. It's so hard but step by step.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 6:40 AM, May 30th (Friday)]


Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
Merida
Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I think for me the hardest part of not committing is that then I feel I am setting myself up for failure on the one hand. On the other, I had told him (before we had any kids)if he had an affair it would be a deal breaker for me.

So do I "stick to my principles"? I cannot bear the thought of the pain I am going to cause my kids. On the other hand, there is an OC involved in this mess and I am so worried about what that will evolve into down the road if I do not set standards for proper respect and treatment now.

I played second fiddle to his first-bitch-ex wife because of his two daughters produced from that trajedy thinking I was "helping" - yeah, helping him form a trauma-bond mess turns out... ugh

He's got such massive insecurity / abandonment /manipulative/ selfish issues I am just so done with his disrespect and being the mother hen...

but for the sake of my kids ?! for better or worse he's their father and since he's a master at compartmentalizing he's a really good father (huge clarifyer - so far = kids are 10, 8 and turning 6 so wait until the teen years is my worry)

I'm shopping MC and we are doing retrouvaille and I have one foot in... but dang this hurts!

I would so not wish this pain on anyone


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
heme
Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

I feel like Im kind on in this situation right now.. Im pretty sure Ill end up leaving because seriously fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. But its going to be a LONG time before Im able to. Im 24 weeks pregnant and on modified bedrest due to complications. Ive got 4 other children all young (oldest is 7) so I need to be able to find a job that supports all of us.. Im 6 classes from finishing my bachelors degree which would mean I could get a job other than retail so I can support my babies better.

Right now my plan is to wait it out until Im in a place to leave and then make the decision. My husband is a SA and has a porn addiction and doesn't want to admit it so the likelihood things will change in our marriage is at a zero. I just need to work on making the best decisions that will allow for me to take care of my children.


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
limbohurts
Member
Member # 43818
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, June 21st (Saturday)

When is it time to say enough is enough? Separated 3 months because WH won't give up the OW. Says he hasn't been happy for years. I controlled him, blah, blah, blah. I have admitted my mistakes and made clear I will work hard to restore the marriage, but he is not willing to end the A. We both go to IC and MC, but how can we work on a marriage with OW in the picture. I bring it up every time I see WH and he gets angry with me telling me I haven't changed a bit. He wants it to be his choice to give up OW, not because I am controlling him like I always have. Don't know how I can continue to love this man through all of this. I find it hard getting through each day.


Me BW
Him WH LTA
Married 18 years
2 kids
Separated March 2014
Divorcing

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2014
broken1126
New Member
Member # 43417
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

I just found this thread. I plan to read every page of it. DDay was April 4. And now I feel in limbo. WH wants to work on marriage. But won't do MC. I've seen an attorney. I tell myself I am looking for the "right time". There is no right time. I'm scared. Saw an email just the other day from my WH to another woman. He told her he is in an emotionless marriage staying together for the kids. Told her he was looking for someone who had a void to fill without changing anything in their lives right now. I'm pretty sure that is not considered working on the marriage. I have two children. I don't work right now. WH won't talk about his shenanigans. Seems like a no-brainer. Right? But it's soooo hard.


DDay 4/4/14
Me - BS (40)
WH - (41)
Married 11 yrs.
Two boys 8 and 10 yrs.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it's going to launch you into something great


Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2014
broken1126
New Member
Member # 43417
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)

Bump

Any thoughts??!


DDay 4/4/14
Me - BS (40)
WH - (41)
Married 11 yrs.
Two boys 8 and 10 yrs.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it's going to launch you into something great


Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2014
Merida
Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)

WH wants to work on marriage. But won't do MC

my thoughts is your WH is done with the M if he is still making solo decisions... what, you are supposed to just trust his judgment after DDay?

You can only control you... so do what you have to do to feel safe

Love is an Action. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do as BS for our WH's is show them that we do not need them. We choose to spend our lives and hope to share all the good/bad to achieve intimacy. But staying or going at this point is your choice and his to deal with as a consequence of his behavior.

on a more positive note = WH and I are just finishing reading Chapman's book "the 5 love languages." There's a free online survey you can either have emailed (we printed and did on paper - we're still very 20th century that way).

Anyhow, there are some good suggestions for what you can do to turn towards your WH... he calls it a "void" hoping it is just an empty tank since he doesn't say he wants to leave.

I am not for allowing cake eating on the one hand, on the other, I totally get the SAHM with kids and overall trying to avoid even more drama/trauma if possible

all the best...

[This message edited by Merida at 6:10 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, July 7th (Monday)

God bless us all
I hav been in limbo for 9 months and its the worst. Why cant i let go? Why cant i choose freedom?

I kinda hate myself at times for allowing it. I know WH is hurting too and i know its my codependency (which i never thought i had any parts of) thats keeping me stuck

He really needs to see what life is like without his wife. He said he was movig out but i see no plans to move anywhere. On one hand im happy bcuz i wont be alone but on the orher hand im pissed bcuz i dont wanna b in limbo anymore. His move was my freedom and now its not happening. I guess i could tell him to go but somehow i cant fix my lips to say it. I still love him. He is takg full advantage of it too

Sorry for the random vent and the typos
During HB we broke the bed so now i get to sleep on the slanted bed while he is on the couch. He wont fix the bed and come back in here. Kinda like our M. He wont fix it. Said it cant be fixd (the bed) but i wonder if hes talkg abt the M...in which case he shld go, right?

And i know he is goig thru withdrawal from COW. He checks her fcbk pg anytime he goes on. He says it ovr but i know he still feels somthg and misses her. Kills me to know it. I can relate to precious poster abt feelg like plan B, comg second.

This is some bullshit.


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2014
meleanoro
Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

Joining in here because limbo best describes my current state, and while I try to be zen about it, it really bloody sucks.

Today I was musing on the big difference I see between couples who successfully R and those who do not, or with partners in limbo, and it seems to come down to the willingness, desire, and capacity for self-growth on BOTH sides.

I've really begun to see self-growth as an issue of preference, of values, of motivated choice. My partner, simply put, does not desire nor seek this kind of growth.

Talking with him about this feels like teaching a 5th eat-old, who wants candy, particle physics, and the 5-year-old is first and foremost, interested more in the sugary treat than advanced science, and second, has not the capacity to learn.

With a willingness or desire to grow, the capacity issue might be dealt with. But with neither in place, I've got an H with a hole in his head and no desire for a different way of being.

I've fought this for 4-5 years, thinking he'd come around, or I could,inspire growth and change. But for about a year now I've accepted he does not have the will. He wants things "fixed" without work or introspection on his part. He wants to offload the responsibility for all growth to me, with the presumption that stepping in to do the dishes each night should be satisfactory in terms of showing effort.

Any attempt to explain to him what's lacking for me is just met with a wall. He cannot, or chooses not to, get it.

So I accept all that, but sit in limbo while ducks get in a row. And sadly I seek a catalyst for leaving that he can understand (e.g. He cheats on me) because I do not relish saying "this simply isn't working, and I can't make you understand why."

what's good enough for him is crumbs for me. And "teaching" him what I need is the most unattractive, unsavory prospect to me right now. Stepping up should be an outcome of his desires, not me creating a lesson plan.


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 290 | Registered: Jan 2005
StuckinBetween
Member
Member # 36402
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

I'm joining because I've felt this way for a long time (see my username?). I first found this place after my discovery of WH's 2nd PA. Though I vowed that was it and I was out, I somehow found myself in R, though Continuing to deal with my own mistrust and anger towards him. Guess, my biggest fear has been the splitting of my family, not wanting my 3 sons to live a life in 2 single parent households. WH was repentant and determined to do everything to help me heal and deal with his issues. Of course, as time went on, his temper and defensiveness crept back in and I would find myself, thinking, "So I have to love with 2DDays for this?" But still I carried on.

This most recent DDay involved online sexting that I witnessed as it was happening, also involved the disclosure of a 3rd PA from before we were married. I also know of another online indiscretion and suspect more.

Who comes back from that? I know I can't, yet WH is doing everything to be the good husband, father, friends, etc. Vowing to work to be the best for us, even as I tell him I can't reciprocate love?

But, I so very much don't want to uproot my kids with a D. WH happens to be a subtitute teacher at this point and so make very little $. I will lose what I have worked so very hard for, in order to support two households because WH couldn't stop for a minute an think about the consequences of his actions to the people he claims to love more than anyone. Most recent text: "I'm devoting my life to making things better than they ever were for you and the kids". Really!

I'm so stuck because he will never leave unless I kick him out and I can't bear to do that. I can' bear to face all that is coming (whatever that is) on top of all the other stresses of life right now. I just feel too overwhelmed at having to figure out what to do with my family now.


Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012
ChangeMaker
Member
Member # 43899
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

I am still stuck in limbo. WW is spending every night at her mother's (supposedly), and we have a written agreement for co-parenting our kids (6 and 3).

She was supposed to go to IC on Friday, but cancelled because she was busy at work, and can't get an appt with that counselor until the 23rd. I talked to her on the weekend telling her that she has done nothing to resolve this situation. She supposedly called for an appointment with another counselor yesterday, but had to leave a message.

She doesn't know if she even wants to try at the relationship. She says she is NC with OM, but I have no way of knowing.

I'm getting sick of this. I'm just looking toward my meeting with the L on Friday.


"Everything works if you let it." - Travis W. Redfish

DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 43
WW - 41
DD - 6 and 3
Pulling the Plug


Posts: 387 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Ontario
Hopeful74
Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)

Limbo sucks. But it sucks even more living with the choices our WS stuck us with. I am hoping a reconciliation is in the cards for me and my WH, but have decided that communicating with him at this time is not in my best interest. I ask questions, which he answers honestly, and I get upset, of course. He seems to be getting more defensive the further in we get. And even sarcastically told me thanks for the support. I don't feel he deserves my support at this time. He should have been looking for support from me back in October, before he jumped into bed with another woman. I have seen subtle changes, but not sure how permanent they will be. So, for now, I am living in limbo, waiting for the day where I will have a crystal clear answer as to what is the right answer for me. And that sucks.


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Asil0623
Member
Member # 42419
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, July 26th (Saturday)

This should be a major forum. Finally some folks I can relate to.

My WH had a fling with a ho-worker. Mother of two small kids...who has time for that??? Anyway, it ended when her H found out, and my WH came home and confessed for fear of me finding out otherwise. I saw a lawyer but he begged me to let him stay and try to make our marriage work. (Sucker written on my forehead) After that, I thought we were gong in R. Started off with both of us in IC and MC. That lasted about a month. He quit because he declared himself cured. ?? Since then, he has slid back into the "I don't know what I want". Quite frankly, I am tired of the crap. I think he's content to sit on fence but my back side has splinters and I'm ready to get off...one way or another. He will sometimes show a glimmer of giving a $h!t, and then the next thing you know, he makes a "joke" that totally makes a mockery of this whole mess. (I married an engineer that thinks he's a stand up comedian.)

I'm so jealous of other BS who have WS that get it, and are willing to do the work to repair the damage and strengthen the marriage. All I get is more limbo dance from him.

Taking control of my own self is all I can do...eat better, exercise, spend time with my kids, go out with friends, and except that life would probably be way better without him!

I'm also a SAHM. I no longer have a valid teaching certificate. I am terrified of being without health insurance. I haven't taught in 16 years and I don't really have it in me to do that kind of job again! I love my part time job but it doesn't pay enough or offer benefits. I'm pissed that I'm knocking on 50's door and I have to think about any of this. I thought I had a wonderful marriage. I would never hurt him (or anyone) like he's hurt me.

Anyway...enough about me. Love this thread!

[This message edited by Asil0623 at 4:05 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]


Me-BS
Him- WH
Reconciling? It takes two.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Feb 2014
Merida
Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)

reposting from a general thread because I hope this may help others as I sit and process what to do

How do I manage to decide how to act so as to not hurt children while I am hurting in a deep-to-one's core way?

from: Melanie Tonia Evans free .pdf "How to do No Contact"

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/empowered-self/ebook-nocontactwhennarcissistallyabused.htm

When assessing how emotionally mature individuals operate, we can accept that anyone when hurt in the midst of relationship breakups and problems can act in non-appropriate ways – yet certain underlying principles are foundational within an emotionally healthy individual’s integrity.
People who are healthy and do have Emotional Intelligence:
 Tell the truth.
 Will attempt to discuss matters in rational terms, and will seek to return to mature discussions even after problems.
 Have enough respect and care about the other person to not purposefully maim them.
 Try to achieve fair and equitable outcomes.
 Have consideration for the other person’s emotional and practical needs and will attempt to support these needs.
 Take responsibility for their actions and behaviour.
 Will apologize full-heartedly when they overstep the mark.
 Have the capacity to be genuinely accountable.
 Have no requirement to seek and carry out revenge in order to feel better.
 Realize that there is no upside to the goal of creating and experiencing a satisfying relationship by purposefully destroying the other person.
 Want a satisfying, loving, safe and healthy relationship.
 Have the ability to ask for what they need honestly, healthily and directly.

[This message edited by Merida at 5:28 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)]


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
coliebee
New Member
Member # 43400
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

I've chosen not to tell any of my friends/mother/sister what's going on in our relationship; I didn't want to hear what I should and shouldn't do from them. They know we're having problems, but they're not sure why. Sometimes I just feel so alone because my therapist is the only one I really talk to about how I'm feeling. I'm so glad I found this because it makes me feel a little more "normal". I'm torn between staying and going, and I just don't fully relate to the "Reconciliation" forum or the "Separation/Divorce" forum.
A little past three months since D-Day. We're both in counseling, but I just don't know what we're doing. He has some serious FOO issues, I want to be supportive while he figures it out because I know it's related to the self-destructive choices he makes; at the same time, I want to throw my hands up in the air and say f*** this, why am I supporting someone who betrayed me? Some days are great. Some are just plain awful. I love him, but this sucks. I'm emotionally exhausted.

Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2014
PDOFF!
Member
Member # 28079
Helpless  Posted: 2:46 PM, August 7th (Thursday)

Well I can't believe it's been 4 years since I was last on here, doesn't time fly when you're having fun! NOT. I've been on one hell of a roller coaster in that time, denial, anger, reconciliation and now realisation that I think I need to leave. Problem is I don't actually want to :-( Reasons to stay - I love fws, my kids are very attached to ws and it would crucify them if we D, I can't bear the thought of WS being with someone else, I gave up work to be a ft mum and haven't got a penny to my name. We're in the middle of moving house to be in catchment area for our kids school. Reasons to leave - I'm totally miserable, fws makes NO EFFORT or contribution to our marriage, I feel that if I was financially independent then I'd leave.

I'm so tired of being in Limbo, but feel emotionally and financially trapped. I don't know what to do :-(


BS - me 37 WH- 41
PA 9th may 09 -1st april 10
Married 19yrs together 21
Ds -4 Dd -2
D-Day #1 26th July 2009
D-Day #2 30th September 2009 same ow
D-Day #3 1st April 2010 same
"Love grows where trust is laid & love dies where trust is betr

Posts: 666 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: UK
SoLostStillNumb
Member
Member # 44248
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, August 8th (Friday)

I belong here too. It's been 3 months since dday and though this is all still fresh, I'm so unsure what to do. WH says he isn't sure if this marriage is what he wants, but he has sent a NC email to AP and has been seeking IC. The pastor giving him IC wants to meet with us both to start MC and WH said he is open to that to see where this goes, but he also said that to me 3 months ago and then a few days later said "the truth is I'm not happy, I don't want to be married, part of me thinks we should never have gotten married, and I don't love you anymore."

I'm not sure if he is just taking me in circles or not, but I'd rather R than D. I don't think I can handle D right now, or in the near future.

The thing is, he has shown no remorse to me. He's apologized plenty and shows some regret, but no remorse. I have a feeling he just wants to do this MC and IC for a little bit and let me down softly again and said yeah, this isn't gona work a few months down the line. I know I shouldn't leave the choice up to him, but its either this or me just filing for D and I can't do that.

We also haven't seen each other in about a month. Haven't talked (until 2 days ago,) haven't texted, haven't emailed and I hate it. I hate this waiting, this limbo. I just want to be with him and I also hate him at the same time for making me suffer like this. I think being away from him is good sometimes, but I'm also growing number and number and distancing myself. I'm afraid I'll get to the point that I don't want to R because I'm just so numb and this has taken so long to figure out and then I'll be upset that I didn't get the chance to even try and see if R was possible...


Me: BS 26 Him: WH 27
Married: 5 years, together 7. No kids.
DDay: 6/3/14 and TT till 9/5/14
Separated, headed for divorce
Trying to accept this nightmare is real every morning.
Hold on, this will hurt more than anything has before

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: VA
Hurtingnnc
Member
Member # 44284
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 11th (Monday)

what's good enough for him is crumbs for me. And "teaching" him what I need is the most unattractive, unsavory prospect to me right now. Stepping up should be an outcome of his desires, not me creating a lesson plan.

This really spoke to me. I am trying to get out of limbo as I feel like I have been getting crumbs. When I explained that to him and listed what I need he said he is not sure if he can do it. (I asked him to do the exercises in a Surviving an Affair.) I need prayers for strength.


Me: BGF 45
Him: WBF
DD#1 5/30/14
DD#2 6/7/14
DD#3 6/18/14
It looks like we are done 9/15/14.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jul 2014
PreggoBS
New Member
Member # 39622
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday)

I'm just jumping into this thread with out reading much of it first, I don't know if that is acceptable or not but I am in a bad way. I am three months pregnant and just found out about an emotional affair my husband was having. We ended up separating and he consumated the affair. He had two other affairs last year when I was pregnant with my first. He keeps saying that I make him unhappy, that I don't meet his needs and I think that in a lot of ways he's right. I know I took him for granted. I know I could have done more than I did. Now he is still continuing the relationship with the other girl, but we talk about trying counseling to see if we have a chance at working things out. EVERYONE I talk to says not to even try, to leave and not look back. But I LOVE HIM. He has been my whole world for 7 years, we have kids together and I can't seem to function or be able to eat or sleep without him around. I don't think he really wants to be with me anymore, I don't think he is in love with me, he has told me he doesn't think he is in love with me. I just don't know what to do or how to survive, or even fucking eat.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Oregon
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday)

Preggo - ask yourself why you love someone who treats you like this. Do you love yourself? ARe you afraid of being alone? He sounds cruel.. are you in IC? The minute someone says "he is my world" I think they don't have enough of a life outside their marriage, good marriage or not.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5517 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
PreggoBS
New Member
Member # 39622
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 2nd (Tuesday)

rachelc- I don't know. I ask that everyday. However, I do think that I am culpable for his looking to have his needs met elsewhere. I think that I should have done certain things better.
As for him being my world to a great extent it is true, I didn't have enough outside of him. We lived VERY remotely for a few years and then I got pregnant. So yeah, I have few friends that I get together with and only occasionally. I do work however, so that does help.
Yes, I am in IC. I would probably be dead already if I wasn't....

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Oregon
mom2my4kiddos
New Member
Member # 44174
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 12th (Friday)

While I hate that you all are here, it's nice to not be the only member of the club. We're living together, he's NC with the OW but we're basically just room mates while he gets his head on straight. We're in MC (IMAGO which he's not too sure about)and I've started IC (SBT which I'm not sure about,lol). Some days he feels like he's trying and some days I feel like I'm in the boat on my own.


Me: BS 43
Him:WS 41
Dday 7/16/14
Hoping for R but sometimes I think my hope is fading.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: USA
Merida
Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday)

really weird to be in a position to "protect the kids of the marriage" by filing for divorce and CS

been a bit of a rollercoaster as WH and I hashed out the separation agreement... heckofa way to practice good communication and conflict management skills

hated putting the kids name onto forms and plugging in "formulas" - felt like I was getting turned into hamburger mush and couldn't get pink floyd songs out of my head (dang worms)

guess I'm at the point of being willing to break the marriage to save it and just overall take things one day at a time


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Other2014
New Member
Member # 45020
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, October 2nd (Thursday)

I hate not knowing what to do,its been two and a half mo and I dont know whether I should have had some idea by now or not. Having sex outside of marriage is completely unacceptable for me. If I had been financially independent I would probably have filed for D already. But I have not worked for more than two yrs and I moved to USA on a dependent visa which dont allow me to work. It will be a while for me to become financially independent and be able to provide for my DS. My WH is well paid and I dont want my kid to be in this mess and face financial trouble. He deserve to be loved by both parents. I hate waking up every morning not knowing how to handle this mess, on one hand I cant accept him another hand I want my kid to afford all the facilities he deserves. P.S: we are muslim and muslim divorce law doesnot have the concept of alimony. So if I D him I would not get a penny.


Me- BS - 31
Him- WS-32 - Highschool sweetheart and one and only bf
Together 11 yrs, Married 6 yrs
DS- 2 yrs
TNA Board escorts, 6-10 in two and half mo, Craigslist casual encounters, strip clubs
DDay- July , 2014
Status: seperated and in limbo

Posts: 31 | Registered: Sep 2014
krsplat
Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, October 7th (Tuesday)

Other2014: What country are you living in? If your are in the US or Europe, your religion is irrelevant to your divorce settlement. Muslim or not, if you are living in a country that has fair divorce laws, you WILL qualify for alimony and child support if you go to a lawyer.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 383 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
itbreaksme
New Member
Member # 45144
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, October 8th (Wednesday)

hi

Im new to this forum and Im thinking this thread is for me? Im feeling very in limbo.

im 14 months into this maze of chaos. My WS actually confessed to an affair when i was 8 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child. He is adamant he only wanted to tell me because he didnt want there to be any secrets between us. I feel its bullshit! I think he told me to help ensure his survival!! I was preg, morning sickness and extremely vulnerable...of course i would keep him around! I sucked it all up and tried to move on and be happy. All that love was there, generally happy with occasional emotional meltdowns when the niggling feeling i had became too much.

Well ive had the baby (7 months ago) and after about 3 months i started to really question the whole thing! It just doesnt sit right with me. Im in IC...

It started off as an emotional affair and went on for a few months like that only via phone calls and texts/emails (she was a work colleague on the other side of the country!!!). Then on one on of his business trips he slept with her, twice. Once at his hotel room one night and in her car another night. Then apparently called it off. All while he was partying with this woman he is messaging me telling me he loves me, emailing me photos of the work event he was at, PLANNING ANOTHER BABY!! They have still talked to each other occasionally because of work and she even had the nerve to message him a congrats after the baby was born!!!! She isnt aware that i know...

Now, at the time it was all happening i was blissfully unaware there was anything going on!!!! Our 2nd baby at the time was about 13months old but all was good there. There was just absolutely no reason whatsoever to have done what he was doing!! EVERYONE was there for him. He had a large work load on and was under the pump..but still!!??? He is also one of those guys that looked down his nose at people who had affairs!!!!!

He has done no work and is reluctant to go to MC. He doesnt want to talk about it. I think its the shame and embarrasment talking...?? He is extremely remorseful. Tells me he loves me, has sworn he will never do it again etc.. Now an amazing husband, amazing father etc.. but i feel that its a bit late. Its all a reminder of him sucking up to me to try and make up for what he's done.

i know his infidelity isnt as bad as some peoples on here but we were a very close couple. I met him when i was 18 and we've been together for 15 years and have the 3 kids.

I am having a VERY hard time forgiving and forgetting!!! I think i want out!! Im just tired from it all. I often feel a great weight has lifted when i make the decision to leave! but then i stay..

i want to tell him to get out but then i feel sorry for him!!! I keep putting what he wants first. He just acts like everything is fine!! Keeps hitting me up for sex (which is great!) because he thinks it will keep us connected.

I think i should stay because of the kids. Stay and just be happy. Hes not a bad guy. But then i think of my own self worth. Am i only worthy of a person that chooses not to communicate with me and cheats on me?? What message am i teaching my boys??

Im fine if i go... parents to take us in, have a job if i need etc.

But then i feel bad for messing up the kids lives. But then i think im grumpy and distracted now and if the "problem" was gone then i wouldnt have to be grumpy and distracted!!! Then i feel bad about hurting WS!!!

Im tired and angry and bitter and have shut down. I dont trust WS with my heart, love, life, happiness etc... all the while he's as happy as a pig in mud and talking about more kids!!! He is COMPLETELY oblivious!!!

When i told him i was going to go get IC he made it all about him. How long does he have to go through this? He cant do his job without me! When will i move on?! He cant keep living in fear of his marriage ending....

Anyone left their partners at least 12 months after D-day and done it with kids??


Me - 34
WS - 37
Married since January 2002
D-Day 8/8/13 He decided to confess to an affair that occurred in April 2012 when i was 8 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child.
3 boys - 7, 3 and 7 months

Posts: 19 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Australia
Other2014
New Member
Member # 45020
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, October 8th (Wednesday)

krsplat
Thanks for the info, we were staying in US. Now I am staying at my home country but looks like it would be wise to go back to US or CA( I have a residentship) if I decide to get a divorce, that helps, thanks a lot.


Me- BS - 31
Him- WS-32 - Highschool sweetheart and one and only bf
Together 11 yrs, Married 6 yrs
DS- 2 yrs
TNA Board escorts, 6-10 in two and half mo, Craigslist casual encounters, strip clubs
DDay- July , 2014
Status: seperated and in limbo

Posts: 31 | Registered: Sep 2014
inNOoutNOinNOout
New Member
Member # 45092
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, October 8th (Wednesday)

This post could not have been found at a better time. I am absolutely exhausted being in LIMBO. he doesn't know if he loves me. I don't know if I love him. We both think that there could be walls/defenses at play that are just not allowing us to connect and that never did in the past. I am scared to D and then regret it, but I don't think I can handle this torture of limbo anymore. We want to R because we feel like that's what we should do. Like we were brought together for a reason and we have a one year old son, so to give up too soon would be unfair to him. I feel that there is no hope for us though. He has so many emotional issues, that it would take years to work on, then we have to decide once he gets that under control whether or not we actually love each other. I don't know if I am willing to risk another few years to figure that out.


BS: Me 29
WS: Him 31
DS: 13mnths
Together: 10.5yrs; Married: 4yrs
DDay: 3/8/2014
7-ONSs (Over 6yr span); 1-10mnth EA/PA

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2014
krsplat
Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, October 18th (Saturday)

He's showing remorse. He's doing everything I've requested. He's making headway in IC, and showing signs that he might -- years from now, with hard work -- become an actual human being. He tells the truth, at least so far as I can verify it. He gets how much he hurt me, and seem truly sorry. He even borders on empathy sometimes.

But I can't shake the feeling that I would be happier and stronger without him. Not feeling like I have to check up on him. Not always waiting around for the other shoe to drop. Not having to wonder if he's snowing me to get what he wants.

I feel guilty about my kids having only a part time dad. I am not ready to deal with the emotional fallout they will experience from divorce. I worry about managing financially. I resent having to give up a comfortable retirement.

So I stay here in limbo, not ready to go, not willing to commit to R. My goodness, this sucks.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 383 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
HoldOnHope
New Member
Member # 41163
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, October 21st (Tuesday)

krsplat- this is exactly how I feel about my situation. Word for word.

I am 15 months out. Some of the anger has subsided, thank goodness!! Some days I manage to convince myself that I can be happy if I stay in this marriage. The caveat being that I will never again expect WS to help facilitate that happiness (although he appears to very much WANT to make me happy...now).

Other days I fixate on how much happier I would be without him. I miss the intimacy, but I don't want to be intimate with WS. I'd be so much happier moving on without trying to force myself to have feelings for WS again.

But I stay. Because I also feel guilty about my kids having only a part time dad. And I am also not ready to deal with the emotional fallout they will experience from divorce. And, despite my decent salary I, too, worry about managing financially. I stay, but it has nothing to do with a desire to reconcile with a man who so deeply betrayed me from day 1. All of the appologies in the world won't change what he did, and I can't get past that.

Yes, it sucks.


BS(me) - 29
WH - 31
Married in 2010
3 year old son and infant daughter
D-Day: July 23, 2013
6 months post Dday and I learn he actually started cheating on me before we were married.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: US
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, October 21st (Tuesday)

krsplat

I could have written your post. I am three years out from DDay and while on the surface it looks like we are in R, really I am still in limbo.

One day I think we can make it, the next I feel I will never get over what he did and we will end up divorced.

I have been with this man since I was 17. I have had no other adult relationships. We have so much history I can't imagine life without him, but he shattered my world and broke my heart. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. We have built a good life together and I resent the fact that because of his selfish choices I now have to choose between a comfortable retirement with him or struggling financially without him.

Our kids are older ( 15,18,21 & 24 ) but I worry about what effect us divorcing would have on the younger two in particular.

But I can't shake the feeling that I would be happier and stronger without him. Not feeling like I have to check up on him. Not always waiting around for the other shoe to drop. Not having to wonder if he's snowing me to get what he wants.

^^ this. I don't want to have to check up on him or worry about him lying to me. But I will never fully trust him again so that doubt will always be there. I don't know if I want to live the rest of my life like that.


HoldOnHope
All I can say is, you're young, you have so much of your life ahead of you. Do you really want to live like this? I just turned 50. If I was even 10 years younger I'd be gone.


Me-BW 49
SAWH 51
Married 27 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jul 2011
refurb
Member
Member # 45202
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, October 21st (Tuesday)

To those of you limbo, I can only imagine that i can't really imagine it all,

I wanted reconciliation my cheating wife wanted out, keep the affair under wraps then get with Mr cheatfuck as the Whitenight.

I read the threads bout how difficult reconciliation is and I do understand the feelings.

i wish i had more you folks beyound "i feel for you" but i do truly feel for you

i hope the right thing works out for you


me: BS
51 male
father of 2
ex-choose to cheat, divorce, & destroy the family

Posts: 91 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: central PA
shiftingsand
Member
Member # 43656
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, October 22nd (Wednesday)

Well, I think this is my place. I am in limbo. I can't decide what to do. Some days, I think I'm just going to leave, then other days I think we are making progress, then I am finally awakened to the fact that my husband already has "foot out the door". He "doesn't know" how he feels about me/our marriage, admitted that he "gave up" when he didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel after all these years of being unhappy and me finally graduating and not finding a job. He feels that I have treated him like a paycheck and he was so alone that he needed to have "friends", that I didn't know about, whom he says he has not been intimate with, took off over 4th july weekend, wouldn't tell me where he was. On teh one hand tells me that he still loves me, but on the other won't go to maritial counseling, IC - doens't believe in it. Says we should be able to fix our problems ourseleves. Says that he never told me about these "friends" because I am so jealous. I never knew I was, but by hiding them he certainly made me now. I don't know why I am still hanging on, probably because we've been together since 1996 and I feel so low because of my job situation and not being able to support myself and having a guy who is half out of the door.
Some days I'm feeling ok I can leave him or tell him to go and others I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and don't know my head from my tokas!
I'm just one crazy mess! I feel like I should be able to do SOMETHING anything except what I am doing now, which feels like spinning my wheels.

I just for me found out that he had been calling some woman in MASS - who actually may be here more often than I ever knew in APril. HE denied anything going on, everything was friendship, he was lonely, told me all the things were my fault, all the things that were killing the relationship - which of course were my fault. He not admitting to doing anything wrong - I feel like the crazy one. There are missing times in his schedule he says he is working and then the time he was supposed to be working is not logged in. Then when I think these are getting better he does some shit that sets me off on the roller-coaster and I back slide into depression.

I guess, today I am feeling like a fool. Other times I feel like maybe I can make it. The just found out forum is like leave, leave... he is unresmorseful, but I am not blame free either. Rarely is life black and white - it's all shades of gray. Unfortunately, I have very bad copign skills due to my abuse as a child from my parents - and so my moments of clarity turn shady often.

I just appreciate having a place to put out my thoughts to people who are struggling coping, and making decisions.


Posts: 153 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Maryland
shiftingsand
Member
Member # 43656
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, October 22nd (Wednesday)

I think I've finally decided, well I guess till I see my therapist later on today. I'm just going to start going throw all my crap in preparation for his eventual leaving. I think I will just put the house on the market as is, it was a fixer upper when we started and we ran out of money to completely fix it up. so maybe I will get out of it without having to oweanything, but will hve lost my inherience. Although being the gerous person I was Iput his name along with mine on the deed. so it's half his eventhough the mortgage is in his name. at this point i really think I just want out@! Too much pain... no support from him... I can't make him want to be with me, be the locving supporting husband I thought he was, but now tells me he wasn't for years and resents me for everything, even though he encouraged me to go back to school - told me to do it.

It doesn't matter, he is so unhappy that now I am so unhappy and can't move forward with my life now. At least he will be more happier without me being this financial burden around his neck. Which is what I feel like now. I just feel like less of person all teh time now. I really think I'm done. I just want to walk away from it all. HE can go have his happy life with these spanish girls and I can just go start life somewhere else, and declare bankruptcy - see how far what little jewerly I have will take me and that's where i will be. yeah, I'm done.


Posts: 153 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Maryland
GonnaGetThru
Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 28th (Tuesday)

I so relate to all of you. Almost 2 years from d-day and still feel
like I'm spinning my wheels. I'm still so angry all the time I fear it will kill me. While I think WH is remorseful, he isn't doing the work I need him to do. I had hoped things would look brighter for us at this point in time. So sad, really. I too don't have the financial means to be on my own; I always think wh is using that as leverage. Leave it to me to end up in a state that requires a one year separation in order to D. The "shock and awe" of filing D to wake him up is of no good to me and makes me feel helpless. Limbo sucks :-(


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
UnableToCope83
New Member
Member # 44853
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, November 12th (Wednesday)

I don't know where I stand. I think I'm mostly leaning toward a D, but my love for her is holding me back.

A couple of days after D-Day I went to her and wanted to make it work. The response that I got was over and over that "I'm confused" and "nothing happened." Now I know that it was all a lie.


Since then (2 months) I have been going out of my way trying to make things work. I was doing everything for her and our children. Last Friday I found out that she was still seeing at least 2 people (because she google searched directions to their house) and was trying to buy sex toys on Amazon with my money.


After that I wrote her a heartfelt letter to try and wake her up that went as follows:

" [WW], I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me who had expected to marry only once and to remain committed, it is a severe shock to watch our relationship unravel. Nevertheless I've done some intense soul searching, and now I realize that I've been trying to hold you against your will. As I reflect on our courtship I'm reminded that you married me once out of your own free choice. I didn't have beg, plead, and twist your arm. It was a decision that you made without pressure from me. I'm aware that I could no longer force you to stay with me now than I could have forced you to marry me all those years ago. You are free to go.If you never call me again then I accept your decision. I admit this entire experience has been painful, in fact the most painful of my life, but I'm going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He'll be with me in the future. You were my first love. I will pray the Lord guides you in the years ahead."

Since then she has removed me from her life and says she wants nothing to do with me. I've never been this hurt before in my life. She's removed me from all of her social media and to my knowledge continuing the relationships with these 3+ men. It sucks, I don't know how to make it from one moment to the next. This is hell, pure and simple. It's hell to know that someone is walking a dark path that will lead into despair and nothing you do or say can stop it.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Sep 2014
Shockedandbroken
New Member
Member # 45147
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, November 13th (Thursday)

itbreaksme - Your words could be written by me. I feel the same confusion! Do I stay or do I Leave? He is very remorseful & doing everything he should be but my heart is broken. I thought our marriage was special & untouchable. I thought I was his world. I was so blindsided by his affair. I love him but I am not sure I love him the same as I did pre-D-Day. I want a love that is untainted by an affair. I have two sons that I don't want to put through the disaster of a divorce. The impact that our short separation had on my oldest son was so profound. People say children are resilient but I don't believe that they all are. I think some parents tell themselves that to justify their selfish actions & behaviors. And financially I don't think I could make it on my own. The housing market here is outrageously priced. Even rentals are $1000+ per month.


BS: me 38
WH: him 39
DS: 9
DS: 4
Married 11 years
DDAY Sept 2, 2014

Posts: 26 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Canada
dailysurrender
New Member
Member # 45492
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, November 16th (Sunday)

WH told me this morning that he loved me and that I mattered to him. Now I need someone to help me out with my thinking because the moment he said that I realized that no, he did not love me when it mattered the most. Because had he loved me it would have mattered more than ever when he was faced with the temptation of betraying our wedding vows or sleeping with OW.

I have been reading a lot of posts in the reconciliation forum, & I just don't think I want to be dealing with this year after year after year. I believe I would much rather cut my losses and wipe my slate clean. I hate to admit it as much as I really love my husband, I am starting to realize that my healing will probably only be after I make the decision to leave. Anyone else experience the same feelings?

a little background on me - we have been married for 11 years, two children boy and girl 9 and 11. He cheated during a deployment overseas two years ago. However, he only recently confessed the beginning of October this year.


Me: BS - 33
Him: fWH - 35
1DD (11), 1DS (9)
Married almost 12 years
Dday: 10/5/14; PA two years ago while deployed.
Status: Attempting R; taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Nov 2014
krsplat
Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, November 23rd (Sunday)

I have been reading a lot of posts in the reconciliation forum, & I just don't think I want to be dealing with this year after year after year. I believe I would much rather cut my losses and wipe my slate clean. I hate to admit it as much as I really love my husband, I am starting to realize that my healing will probably only be after I make the decision to leave. Anyone else experience the same feelings?

I think I responded to this same post in Reconciliation, but yes, I do. Almost word for word. I proposed today that my WH and I convert our post-nup into an actual separation agreement, and start the clock ticking. (In the great state of VA, you have to be separated for an entire year before you can file for D. Thanks, legislature!) And the reason I did so is that, like you, I don't feel like I will make any real emotional progress until I shed the baggage (WH) that is keeping me mired.

WH keeps saying that he's changed, and that he's sorry, and that he loves me now. But he said those words for all the years that he was betraying me and destroying our M, and now they don't mean anything any more. The fact is that his "love" leaves room for betrayal and lies and f*ing other women in my bed. And that kind of love, I can live without.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 383 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
krsplat
Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, November 23rd (Sunday)

Can I ask you all a personal question? I keep wondering if I am normal or not.

Is there sex in limbo?

For us, there was a period of intensive activity, referred to on these boards as "hysterical bonding." I recognize now that I was trying to compete for his attention, that I blamed myself for his A, and I guess I thought I could f* him into loving me again.

Now I recognize how pathetic and self-destructive that impulse was, and the pendulum has swung entirely the other way. When he hugs or kisses me, I tense up, or start sobbing. It is such a sad reminder of those years when I thought he loved me, and feels hollow now that I know he touched so many others in exactly the same way. On the occasions when I have felt so needy that I actually considered sex, the mind movies became overwhelming and I ended up sobbing and lonely and hurt.

I keep reading about others who are in limbo and have sex despite feeling angry or hurt or indifferent. How, exactly, does one accomplish that without feeling like you sold your soul for an orgasm?


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 383 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
PollyA
Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, November 24th (Monday)

Krcsplt,

I miss sex sopopppp much, but I'm with you. I didn't even get the Hysterical Bonding part!

In addition to the mind pictures, I worry about disease. He gave me chlamydia which was easy to cure. He says now he "gets" all that, but if I would get another disease from him, I'd freak out.

I don't feel emotionally close. When we can be emotionally intimate, I'm going to feel more open to physical intimacy.

In the meantime, I can take care of an orgasm without him!

[This message edited by PollyA at 11:11 AM, November 24th (Monday)]


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 135 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
intheblinkofaney
New Member
Member # 45537
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, November 25th (Tuesday)

Im in Limbo... it sucks

I am a wife split in two. Hate on one side , Longing to work it out on the other.

Which side will win ??

[This message edited by intheblinkofaney at 8:12 AM, November 25th (Tuesday)]


Infidelity - one of the worse pains you can inflict on another human

Posts: 34 | Registered: Nov 2014
Topic Posts: 445