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User Topic: Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Target  Posted: 1:14 PM, December 13th (Monday)

One of the many things I wish I had known or handled differently in the wake of D-day i hope it helps those struggling to help themselves.

Boundaries define limits, mark off dividing lines and declare your values. The purposes of boundaries can be boundless. However, from my experience as a BS and a reader of SI, I have found that a boundary is to make clear healthy personal interactions and expectations. To differentiate between how we as codependent spouses differentiate the healthy relationship behaviors from the abusive territory. The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to realize that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. We are not codependent to the issues of the WS. We have not only the right, but the obligation to care for ourselves in the wake of this trauma, to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us, specifically the WS.

We BSs need to start by becoming aware of what healthy behaviors and acceptable interaction dynamics look like and demand them from our WSs. This starts by learning how to be emotionally honest with ourselves, how to start owing our feelings, and then to communicate them in a direct and honest manner with the WS. Setting personal boundaries is vital part of any healthy relationship and is not possible without direct communication.

In order to accomplish this we need to learn to do is drop the codependency, many BSs tend to be codependent in times of crisis. We BSs attempt to hold on to notions of what we have always believed our spouses and marriages to be. As I have read from many veterans here, that marriage is dead. If its a corpse we need to not be codependent to its value. I need to learn to focus on seeing myself as separate from my marriage and WS in order to try to protect myself and look at what was healthy for me. The purpose of setting boundaries is to take care of ourselves. Its about learning about ourselves, of learning to respect ourselves, of learning to love ourselves. If we never have to set a boundary, then we will never get in touch with who we really are, we will never escape the enmeshment of codependence and learn to define what is healthy for ourselves.

No one deserves to be treated abusively. No one deserves to be lied to and betrayed.
We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If we do not respect ourselves, if we do not start awakening to our right to be treated with respect and dignity (and our responsibility in creating that in our lives) then we will continue to be more comfortable being involved with WSs who abuse us than expecting our WS to treat us in loving ways. On some level, the emotions of D-day drive our codependence; we are more comfortable with being abused than being treated in a loving way. This usually is due to us are holding on to faulty views of ourselves, our marriages, our WSs. Learning to set boundaries is vital to protecting ourselves, and to communicating to our WSs that we have worth.

The blameshifting, gaslighting games all center and prey on this codependence. In fact the WSs often think of boundary setting as threats when they are in the fog. Setting a boundary is not making a threat; it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the WSs behavior. Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the WSs behavior, in contrast it is a part of the process of defining ourselves and what is acceptable to us. It is a major step in taking control of how we allow others to treat us. It is a vital step in taking responsibility for ourselves and our lives.

We as BSs need to find the strength to let go of the outcome when we set a boundary with our WSs. Its the WSs decision to engage us in a healthy way. They decide with their behavior if they can treat us in a healthy way. Too often we want the other person to change their behavior, we hope they will, but we never directly tell them because we are afraid of the ultimate outcome. But we need to own our barriers in order to empower ourselves to take responsibility for our lives and stop setting ourselves up to be the victim. We need to really consider the choices we have, one may be to remove ourselves from relationship with the person. We CAN leave a marriage. It is vitally important to honor all of our choices and explore all options. If we do not honor that we have a choice to leave an abusive relationship - then we are not making a CHOICE to stay in the relationship we empowering victimization and codependency

Often I see other BSs struggling with drawing boundaries in similar places, its a struggle things like:
No Contact! Absolutely none.
No more "just friends" of the opposite sex.
All secret email accounts deleted with NC emails sent out.
No more cleared browser histories on computer.
Complete transparency in all things.
Any friends that are not friends of the M and our R need to go immediately.

These boundaries make sense but we often fail even if we identify them. This is because we dont think about the other side of the boundary issue, CONSEQUENCES. Personal boundaries NEED consequences, otherwise they are not true boundaries. Consequences are the outcomes of a persons behaviors. By their nature, they gauge the relative value of the behavior, because we as humans strive for positive outcomes or consequences. When dealing with boundaries with your WS, we as BSs have the power to determine the consequences; we get to decide what is acceptable and what we will allow as a result of the behavioral choices made by our WSs. These choices are never easy, but once made they need to be fairly static, and need to be communicated effectively so both parties are clear as to the boundary and consequence. You need to be clear about your expectations , for me we wrote a marital contract and put it on paper, I wrote them down and discussed each with my WS.

Not all consequences need to be dire, all WSs will make mistakes in Reconciliation, if everything is a deal breaker then your doomed to failure. Your WS didnt get in this predicament in a day, there are years of learned behaviors and coping mechanisms that need to be discovered and unwound. While discussing the marital contract you can discuss your values, why you have particular deal breakers and what messages are sent when violations occur. This helps you communicate to your WS your values, and the fact that your values are important to bonding you back to this Marriage.

Lastly and certainly the hardest for me was to Detach! Every time I logged on I would read from Wincing, Crossbow and the like making this statement. Make sure once you have identified boundaries, communicated them and the consequences than you have to divorce yourself from the behaviors and decisions of your spouse. They control their behavior and you control yours. You enforce your boundaries, they decide with their actions if they want the relationship. For some of us, me included this can be the hardest part. I hope this helps someone avoid learning this quicker than I did, I think it would have saved me months of Trickle Truth, or Trickle Torture. Being 6 months into this journey I think had I learned this piece earlier I would have dealt with the aftermath of D-Day differently.



D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
socold
Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, December 13th (Monday)

Great post! Another great resource is the book Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It has excellent things to say about boundaries.

Thanks for this great write-up!


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, December 13th (Monday)

Wow, Lord, this is really good. Thanks for taking the time to write it all out. It's very helpful - I am saving it to read again.

What/who? are Wincing and Crossbow?

Did you have help writing your marital contract? What sorts of things are in it?

Compartmented


Posts: 1207 | Registered: Aug 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, December 13th (Monday)

socold,
I love Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. I read it in the days just following D-Day and it has helped in so many ways.

Compartmented,

What/who? are Wincing and Crossbow?

Wincing at light and crossbow are veteran SI posters who seemed to really hit the nail on the head for me with regard to just about every aspect of this topic. They post often, use your search box to find them and their great wisdom.

Did you have help writing your marital contract? What sorts of things are in it?


It was an idea sent our way by my WW"s IC. He stated from day one that if we were going to commit to another life together there were no longer assumed shared values and views of what is expected in the marriage. He in a sense communicated the same thing, "The marriage is dead, How do you want to proceed with the funeral". We started with deal breakers and personal boundaries that arose as major players in the affair., then began adding some things from there. We agreed to revisit the contract quarterly initially to see if there are things we want to add or change. Everything in the contract is negotiable except those things we decide are deal breakers. This reminds me we are coming up on a revisit.

It really helped us jump start personal boundaries and developing shared expectations for the marriage. I hope this helps.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, December 13th (Monday)

The only thing I disagree with is the deleting of all secret email accounts. Here's why.....

I found out about OW #4 ONLY because I had taken over his secret email account as my own at that time. I actually reopened his closed email account a few months after he shut it down on DDay (Yahoo has a 90 day wait policy to reopen an email account). I reopened it, logged in, and made the IM available so I appeared online and as H to all whose lists he was on.

Within just a couple of days I had the OW IMing me. I tricked her into thinking I was him, and she told me everything I needed to know about their hookups. I would have never had this info if I didn't have access to that email account.

So I say keep all secret emails open, get the passwords, and change them immediately to something only YOU will know. Also change the confirmation email address or back up email address to YOUR email address and not WS's. This way he can't pull a "forgot password" and reset it himself later.

Carry on....


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 3rd (Monday)

Seems like a good time to bump this up, with polygraphs, TT and games I am reading on the JFO I think this might be of help. remember YOU get to decide where your boundries are. Please establish them with consequnces, it helps move the process along. It will keep you from getting drug through the mud as long as I was. Good luck all, it breaks my heart to relive all this pain with you guys. I hate felling the D-day impact.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, January 6th (Thursday)

Bump for thundersdad, hope it helps...


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 19th (Wednesday)

bump


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
Hit_By_A_Hammer
Member
Member # 30849
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, January 19th (Wednesday)

"Any friends that are not friends of the M and our R need to go immediately."

What do you mean by not friends of the M?

I have, and so does he, friends from school etc who are much more friends of one of us than the other. What damage does that do?


BS (me) 33, WH 33,1 son aged 5
OW 1 - sex twice, autumn 2000
OW 2 - not quite sex, Nov 2000
OW 3 - sex 4 times, c. 2003
OW 4 - sex on holiday, 2006, again, 2007
OW 5 - brief sexual relationship, 2008
OW 6 - sex once, c.2008
OW 7 - sex x 2, 2009/10

Posts: 482 | Registered: Jan 2011
McKenziesWish
Member
Member # 11970
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, January 19th (Wednesday)

I stand and applaud you!!!!!

I mean seriously....I wish I had had this post 5 years ago!!!

I am going to print it now and put it on my bulletin board!!!

THANK YOU


"He is a


Posts: 712 | Registered: Sep 2006
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, January 19th (Wednesday)

Hitbyahammer,
A friend of the marriage is supportive of the marriage and their friend. They would not spend time denigrating or disparaging the marriage, or either partner. They respond with something positive about your own relationship or the marriage to support the marriage above either partner.
Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don't believe in fooling around or dividing and separating the spouses.
In the wake of an affair you should evaluate if any or all of the friendships either partner have are toxic to the marriage and should be removed if not directly supportive of the marriage staying together "in a healthy way of course". I hope this helps.

Mckenzieswish! I appreciate it. I wish I learned this quicker as well.
LHAP?

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 6:59 PM, January 19th (Wednesday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
stucknunhappy
Member
Member # 30440
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, January 19th (Wednesday)

Beautiful post


me bs - him wh - dd 9/29/09 my birthday- 8 year ea - tt to 11/6/09 -married 18 years - boy twins & girl twins all teens

Posts: 74 | Registered: Dec 2010
Hit_By_A_Hammer
Member
Member # 30849
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, January 20th (Thursday)

Thanks Lordshasaplan - I get it. I completely agree.


BS (me) 33, WH 33,1 son aged 5
OW 1 - sex twice, autumn 2000
OW 2 - not quite sex, Nov 2000
OW 3 - sex 4 times, c. 2003
OW 4 - sex on holiday, 2006, again, 2007
OW 5 - brief sexual relationship, 2008
OW 6 - sex once, c.2008
OW 7 - sex x 2, 2009/10

Posts: 482 | Registered: Jan 2011
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 20th (Thursday)

Thanks for this. I am a big proponent of women valuing themselves, instead of cowering to their aggressive self-serving WS. I try to tell them what you have expressed so eloquently. Great post.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
had a feeling
Member
Member # 30646
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, January 20th (Thursday)

Great Post!


Me (BW) 48
Him (WH) 45
Married 20 years
3 Daughters, 15,17,19

DD- Dec,7 2010


~trying to keep my head above
water right now and not drown
in the pain of it all.


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 21st (Friday)

Bump for Iris0127 and other newbees.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, February 9th (Wednesday)

bump for newbies


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, February 21st (Monday)

Bump for Feb8. May you have all the strength you need.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
thegiz
Member
Member # 30305
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 21st (Monday)

I like the idea of dumping friends who are not supportive of the marriage. I had concerns prior to DDay about my husbands friend, who he rents a condo from while working out of state. This guy has never been married and the women he has been involved with in the past are hoochie mamas or nut cases. This "friend" just had a baby with a 19 year old girl. He is 48! My husband and I are both disgusted with that and I am so glad that my FWH is coming home next week. My husband met the OW in the social circle that he and his friend are both in out of state. The ONS took place in the condo that is right next door to the friend. I have often wondered if the friend knew about the affair and if he gave his approval or acted like it was not big deal. Our family members and "normal friends" would be appalled if they knew what he did.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: usa
hurtforfam
New Member
Member # 31236
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 21st (Monday)

can you give me any examples of what Consequences might be? It has only been a week since d day and at this point, everything on my list would be a deal breaker at this point.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, February 21st (Monday)

hurtforfam,

can you give me any examples of what Consequences might be? It has only been a week since d day and at this point, everything on my list would be a deal breaker at this point.

First thing I want to say is I am very sorry. I have not been out lately because just reading the Just found out side is really bringing a lot of pain back as I approach the time of year my wife was heavy into her affair last year. I remember the pain of the first minute, day, week, months. At this stage your still in shock and really should be fixated on the deal breakers at this point. You need to make sure you stake walls around what is acceptable and not with your spouse. In the early days getting the consequences firm on even those was tough. For instance I had hard deal breakers.
No contact with OP at all. Any attempts at contact by OP are to be brought to my attention instantly and you are not to read anything that was sent by him, or answer phone if it is him. No conversation at all is to take place between the two of you.
Another affair and I am done
Any lies about any relationships with others I am done
Transparency at all times, If I find out your hiding information, Im out.
We dont stop counseling without mutual agreement, if you stop without agreement, I am out.

However things like :
Meeting each others emotional needs. Always have the conversation when they are not being met.
Contact about comings and goings at all times.
Do one thing special for each other a month, Give rather than take!
Dont avoid conflict, engage in honest communication around conflict areas
Give me all the whys and hows of the affair?
Deal with your FOO issues through counseling and communicating what your learning about them

These are things that take time and work, they will fail to do these. If your emotional need is not met one time do you want to leave? If they avoid an argument for a few weeks then you find out, is it time to leave. Finding the whys and hows is a long arduous task for a wayward. They should be communicating them as they go and if they change how they see them. The consequences may be more counseling, joint exploration of the issue and a mutually arrived solution. But the expectation should be clearly stated and the consequences articulated.
I hope this helps, I hope it makes sense. Please start with deal breakers and behaviors that you know were/are issues that lead to the affair. You can work to the harder ones and the consequences of those violations later. But most of all, I wish I could give you a hug! this shit sucks.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lied2
Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, February 21st (Monday)

Very good thread.

I know that after my d-days my first boundary was NC. My ex preety much refused to go NC with his OW and later (after he left) I found out that he actually had multiple ow who he was maintaining contact with.

I don't think that many WSs are able to break off contact imediately and stick with it. As difficult and deal breaking as it is the affair is often an addiction so some WSs do need help establishing and maintaining NC. Having said that if they had NC for a while and then go back on it then that would need to be accounted for as well.

I know for me setting boundaries and refusing to back down did end in a divorce. But I am very glad I took the stand and enforced my consequences. Had I not he likely would still be trying to play headgames with me. My ex still regards my boundaries as threats so some people never really get it.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, February 28th (Monday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, March 5th (Saturday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
hurts_alot
New Member
Member # 31375
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 6th (Sunday)

I'm in move forward and take care of myself mode, so making a few posts this morning.

I looked at the example of Boundaries and Consequences below, and have a couple of questions.

1. The Consequence to most of these is "I'm out, marriage ended", and that seems a bit too black and white, so I'm interested to hear more about that. Now I completely agree with the principle of another affair or continuous contact with the OM and you are out, but some of the others I'm not quite there yet that I would automatically end the marriage, especially since the first month or so I hear that one-time lapses with the NC are somewhat common. Maybe I'm just being a wimp here and trying to hold on.

2. Are there any good mental exercises to use to determine what Boundaries and Consequences you need? Anyone else have some additional examples?

Thanks for the help!

No contact with OP at all. Any attempts at contact by OP are to be brought to my attention instantly and you are not to read anything that was sent by him, or answer phone if it is him. No conversation at all is to take place between the two of you.
Another affair and I am done
Any lies about any relationships with others I am done
Transparency at all times, If I find out your hiding information, Im out.
We dont stop counseling without mutual agreement, if you stop without agreement, I am out.

However things like :
Meeting each others emotional needs. Always have the conversation when they are not being met.
Contact about comings and goings at all times.
Do one thing special for each other a month, Give rather than take!
Dont avoid conflict, engage in honest communication around conflict areas
Give me all the whys and hows of the affair?
Deal with your FOO issues through counseling and communicating what your learning about them

[This message edited by hurts_alot at 9:30 AM, March 6th (Sunday)]


Me - BS - 36
Her - WW - 34
Married 12 yrs.
3 kids - 9, 6, and 3
Dday - 2/26/2011
Divorcing/Separated

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2011
Taurusinpain
Member
Member # 30284
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, March 6th (Sunday)

GREAT post!!!

I'll give some examples on my boundaries. I actually gave H a 3 page letter detailing boundaries/consequences. It was so sad I had to do this but I was very specific in it so as he could not find loopholes. Most of my boundaries are about secrety email accounts, chat, texts, driving near OW, stuff like that. If he cheats again I'm gone, done deal.

Consequences:
Move to the other bedroom.

No more doing laundry, helping make lunch, going to the grocery store, etc.

No more volunteering info about my goings and comings.

Communication stops until he can talk like an adult without being defensive.


BW - 38
FWH - 41, SA since around 2005
Dday 4/9/10
Months and months of TT torture.
DD born 3/1/13
In R? Feels like going witht the flow.
Trying to get used to the new "normal"

Posts: 396 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: The worst place I can be - inside my own brain
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 6th (Sunday)

Like 'lied2', my setting of boundaries and consequences ended in divorce. I confronted (now) XW with undeniable evidence early the morning after I returned from a vacation with our children. PI's had it all, including the 4-days of them playing house in our home while I was away with the kids. This all had been going on for some months at least.

I asked her to give up OM and work on the marriage. Her simple response "Sorry, I can't do that right now". Later that day, I filed for divorce as I told her I would. That night, she went out with OM to their usual sex, country line dancing, drinking weekly event, this time staying out all night (not much different from the routine 3 AM anyway). She moved out six weeks later.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I handled in less abruptly. XW' s mother said that if I could have waited, perhaps XW 'would have come to her senses'.

Any thoughts on the timing of confrontation, the announcement of boundaries and consequences and the strictness of them?


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, March 7th (Monday)

Sorry , I have been out of pocket for a few days. I love this thread because it really allows one to focus on self.
hurts_alot
1. The Consequence to most of these is "I'm out, marriage ended", and that seems a bit too black and white, so I'm interested to hear more about that. Now I completely agree with the principle of another affair or continuous contact with the OM and you are out, but some of the others I'm not quite there yet that I would automatically end the marriage, especially since the first month or so I hear that one-time lapses with the NC are somewhat common. Maybe I'm just being a wimp here and trying to hold on.

Youre not a wimp, everyone has different boundaries and consequences, the point is are they protecting you, are they speaking to your values, are they shaping the way you allow people to treat you , do they allow you to be treated in a fair and equitable manner. You are not a doormat! And not that everything has to be a deal breaker to assure youre not being treated that way, I used the easy examples. They key is How do you want to shape how you allow yourself to be treated by your spouse, or anyone for that matter. They are YOUR boundaries and consequences, I think Taurusinspain gives some other examples of consequences; some can be beefed up IC, or MC, or reading and researching a particular developmental issue and discussing whats being learned. The point is to look inward, to speak to your value and demand to be treated with respect and dignity.
Merlin has a point here. And it is something I posted in my original post.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I handled in less abruptly. XW' s mother said that if I could have waited, perhaps XW 'would have come to her senses'.

Make sure your honest to your situation, if youre really not sure if its a deal breaker dont make it such, and you can always renegotiate these at anytime. If a boundary isnt working for you and needs to be revisited, do that. I see from the board Thundersdad is struggling with that right now, many of us have. I call it fighting the deal breaker in our head. Point is when you fight it are you honest to how you want to be treated going forward? People will treat you as you demand to be treated or you remove yourself from the situations in which they treat you that way.
May we all find peace and grace through this process, but keep demanding we are worthwhile and deserve better than the way our spouses have treated us in the past.
LHAP

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 2:48 PM, March 7th (Monday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, March 15th (Tuesday)

Bump for SadCat22


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, March 19th (Saturday)

volley


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, March 28th (Monday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Nosay33
Member
Member # 31626
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, March 28th (Monday)

I read this and I like what you are saying, but it seems this is only good if your WS is remorseful and willing to give up the affair? Mine wants to continue living together until OW gets a job, tells her husband and WS wants me to act the same as always. I have told him I cannot kiss him or hug him anymore as long as he continues to betray me but he keeps trying to buy me desserts and ask how I am, etc. How do I set boundaries or convey consequences here--or does it even matter? I do wish to try to save my marriage.


NoSay33 BS now/WS 14 yrs ago
dday 3-21-11
Married 22 yrs, 27 together
Kicked him out 4-11
Trickle Truth 5-4-11--Found out my WH has been having sexual affairs, sexting strangers for 16+ years and has had 2.5 year long sexual affairs with 1 woman

Posts: 190 | Registered: Mar 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, March 28th (Monday)

Nosay33,
First let me give you a hug and tell you, I wish you werent here. Sounds like you have a cake eater and youre just starting on this incredibly hard process of dealing with infidelity and in the first three months or so I could not get my wits about me. But to answer to your question, when you dont have a remorseful WS is when its most important to articulate and demonstrate your boundaries. Its time to state loud and clear who you are and what you will tolerate. They of all people need to know that we have boundaries that they are violating and the consequences of those boundary violations. Its about protecting YOU and making the statement that you wont be codependent to their bad decisions anymore. Let me ask you a question. What are the ways that he is treating you that you feel are unacceptable? These are things that need to be clearly articulated boundaries, Let your WS know what are your expectations of how you will be treated? List the boundary violations that have occurred and that you realize these violations as serious. Think about how you want to be treated and put consequences in place. Is he NC? If not tell him your boundary, write it out. I feel like it is unhealthy for me to be in a relationship with a man who is sleeping and fraternizing with other women. If you do continue to do this I will pack your bags and you can move out while I file for divorce. Then follow through. (this is a hypothetical example, not a recommendation for everyone per se)
Mine wants to continue living together until OW gets a job, tells her husband and WS wants me to act the same as always.

Again, if you dont want to be treated this way tell him he has crossed your boundaries. Tell him I will not share a home with a man who is seeing another woman. Tell him he has one day to send her a NC letter and if you feel at anytime he violates this boundary again, you will (insert consequence here). Your consequence of
I have told him I cannot kiss him or hug him anymore as long as he continues to betray me
is not much of a consequence when he is getting his physical needs met elsewhere, what consequence can you levy that will be met and understood as potentially impacting him. Thats the beauty of the cake eaters, they are keeping us around for a reason, what is it? Incorporate those things into the consequences. Hit them where they need you. Remove yourself from their toxic situation; demand that you be treated with respect.
Have you outed the affair to the OW betrayed spouse? If not you must start there as well. I hope I have helped. Boundries are about YOU, not your WS. Draw boundaries about what is acceptable for how YOU will be treated, you have no control over what he does, but you can protect yourself and that is what the boundaries are for, YOU!
((Nosay33))


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, March 31st (Thursday)

bump for lonelymess


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, April 2nd (Saturday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
moonshine
New Member
Member # 31686
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, April 5th (Tuesday)

It's now 10 days since D'day and although I have communicated most boundaries, I have not communicated consequences as such. Of course my WH knows that another affair is a clear deal breaker. Any attempt from his side to contact the OW is also a deal breaker. I have asked for complete transparency in all issues and even that he explain to his sister why she is not welcome in our home any longer as she acted pretty much like an 'enemy' of the marriage by advising him to go ahead with his A.

But I'm not sure how to deal with one thing, I have just read an email form his boss to his entire team asking for a business trip tentatively in the week commencing 21st April in another city.

I know that the A he was having was completely on phone, net and skype but they were planning to meet up in this very same city in that week.

She of course claimed later that her trip was cancelled and she would not see him at all but continued calling him and his best friend to establish contact. I dont know if she is planning to go there or not...

He told me that he would not be going to meet her any longer (has in fact sent the NC letter and deleted her phone number etc.)

I know the request is official but I cannot trust him to go to that city when it's very likely that she will also be there. I dont know if this will be a deal breaker but I'm scared that they will meet for sure and possibly take their A to a physical level.

He's been remorseful and doing all the right things but it's so soon and the timing is coinciding with their original plan of rendezvous... what do I do??

I cannot agree to it, maybe he will refuse to stay back and miss a career opportunity - is it irrational for me to expect that he should skip this tour?

I will most likely be traveling abroad on work at that time... and I know I'll die a million times to know he was in that city, without any strings attached, and she'd probably be there too...


"Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand."

Me, BS, 32 pregnant with first baby
WH - 32


Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2011
wifeno2
Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, April 5th (Tuesday)

So seemingly simple. So hard for some to follow.


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, April 8th (Friday)

Bump for stronger than he


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, April 18th (Monday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, April 30th (Saturday)

(((4kidscheatinghub)))


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 7th (Saturday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 12th (Thursday)

((((lilacs40))))


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, May 14th (Saturday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 19th (Thursday)

whyme52


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, May 21st (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, May 25th (Wednesday)

Bump


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, June 6th (Monday)

bump


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
sherran
New Member
Member # 32233
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, June 6th (Monday)

thank you for your post. It makes things clearer for me, I need the boundaries to keep me strong.


Karma will kick him in the arse

BS 34
WH 35
together: 13 yrs
M 2 1/2 yrs
DDay 19/5/11
A & OW - not sure how long?? no answers given


Posts: 33 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Australia
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Target  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 27th (Monday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
belladolcegirl
Member
Member # 32489
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 27th (Monday)

Thank you for this post. I can see a lot of myself in what you wrote and I will defintely be considering these points as I make my mind up to confront. Thank you for taking the time to share this!

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 27th (Monday)

Thank you for this. Very helpful. I need to put mine in writing, so it is clear.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Jun 2011
Rise_Above
Member
Member # 23674
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, June 30th (Thursday)


You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli

*****
God's hand was an avocado branch


Posts: 14226 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Chrys a lis
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 2nd (Saturday)

bump


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 10th (Sunday)

bump


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 1994 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 11th (Monday)

bump


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, July 18th (Monday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 23rd (Saturday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
MrsSprky99
Member
Member # 32895
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)

lordhasaplan?

Thank you so very much for taking the time to post this information!!! Helps a newbie like me to get a hold of a seemingly out of control situation :)


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 53
Married - 14 years
3 Children - 25, 24 from first relationship & 10 y/o with WH
D-Day: June 11, 2011

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Northern IL
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, August 5th (Friday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
NewTurn
Member
Member # 26399
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 7th (Sunday)

bump


BW-45
DDay too many to count! Many false R till final DDay Dec 5 2008
Divorced Feb 2009

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results!


Posts: 51 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Tx
NewTurn
Member
Member # 26399
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, August 8th (Monday)

bump


BW-45
DDay too many to count! Many false R till final DDay Dec 5 2008
Divorced Feb 2009

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results!


Posts: 51 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Tx
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, August 9th (Tuesday)

BUMP


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, August 14th (Sunday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Llanden
Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, August 15th (Monday)

bump bumpity bump


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight! Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, August 24th (Wednesday)

For (((exhaustedmum)))


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, September 9th (Friday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
bumbed
Member
Member # 31024
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, September 13th (Tuesday)

bump


I rather suspect like all the worst things in life, making sense of it will not happen.


25 year relationship D day 1/28/11
The we door is closed but the ME doors are opening


Posts: 471 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: a better place in Michiagn
Will-I-Ever-Know
Member
Member # 32703
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, September 22nd (Thursday)

bump


Me BS:21
Him F?WH:23
OW:34!!??
DDay #1 June 2010
Full blown 6 month long PA: OW was his 2nd Girlfriend.
Many DDays & TT for the rest of this year!
In R, Married on June 25th, 2011.

WARNING: I am long-winded. Sorry in advance. :)


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jul 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, September 28th (Wednesday)

adbat234


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 28th (Wednesday)

For me this was hard. I am just getting over being scared of losing her. I read a post that said to really look at what the worse thing for me would be. First answer was her leaving me. Then It went on to say that I should consider how i would feel sharing her (made my blood boil having someone ask me to think that) and for me they are right - that is far worse for me than not having her. Giving me some strength - thank you for that piece of wisdom (I was going to smilely but really can't bring myself to)


Your beliefs dont make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jul 2011
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, October 2nd (Sunday)

bump


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1429 | Registered: Nov 2010
rejectedluv
Member
Member # 33495
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, October 2nd (Sunday)

This post is very helpful. I am a little afraid to set boundaries though for fear he will leave again. He was gone for a week staying at a rented room. It was hell, because he wouldn't tell us where he was at-that is the most frustrating. He is moving his stuff back in tonight. We are in MC, but it is slow going. Has only been about 2 weeks since DDay. Conversation is strained obviously. So, I need to decide if this will be enough for me or not and I think boundaries will help, when I am able to state them without fear he will run.


all is well

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2011
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, October 2nd (Sunday)

((rejectedluv))

You set the boundary because you deserve to be respected. Your WH is not respecting you. He is using the threat of leaving to manipulate the situation to his advantage.

Boundaries are healthy. Boundaries are necessary.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, October 3rd (Monday)

Rejectedluv,
I need to decide if this will be enough for me or not and I think boundaries will help, when I am able to state them without fear he will run.

I agree with Isadora,
You set the boundary because you deserve to be respected

Your boundaries speak to how you want/expect to be treated. They are not situational, or have anything to do with if he will leave or not. They are for you to demonstrate how you expect to be treated by everyone, husband included. I wish you well, draw a line in the sand. Tell him you expect respect!
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
FacingReality
New Member
Member # 33437
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, October 3rd (Monday)

bump

Posts: 22 | Registered: Sep 2011
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, October 12th (Wednesday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, October 15th (Saturday)

bump


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
SouthernHeart
New Member
Member # 33599
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 15th (Saturday)

Thank you so much for this.


BS- Me- 27
WH- 32
married 6 years on Oct. 21
D-Day- Oct. 1, 2011
Children: boy age 5, girl age 4 and brand new baby girl born 11-10-11

Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2011
cupcakegirl
Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 15th (Saturday)

Very good post! The part that really hit home for me is that WS tend to see boundaries as a threat. My WH does this. I am striving to sift out the co-dependent from my behaviors as well.

Working on boundaries w/IC right now!

Thanks again,

ccg


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
ibmovingon
Member
Member # 22179
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, October 15th (Saturday)

I spent most of my married life brushing things under the rug and pretending it wasn't happening to avoid the "what if he leaves" issue. And in the end, he left anyway.

setting boundaries will not determine if he leaves you or not, that will be his choice 100%. If he wants it to work, he will work to get to the point where he can accept your boundaries. If he doesn't, he will use the boundaries as an EXCUSE to leave, if he was going to leave anyway. It takes all the heat off him. It is mental blackmail and emotional abuse for a WS to inflict that on the BS.

Just a word of caution...don't set ANY consequences you are not fully prepared to see all the way through. Because if you set them, and he breaks the boundary and you do not follow through with the consequence, that only gives him more power.


BW (me)- 52
XWH - 54
M almost 31 yrs, 2 kids
Dday - which one? He's a sex addict.
Divorce final 2/1/2010

"You are the only one that can stop him from hurting you, he will keep doing it as long as you let him" - My Mom


Posts: 273 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 15th (Saturday)

Agreed, your boundarues are your. They are for you. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. This has nothing to do with others, we define how we are to be treated. Glad you apprecited it.
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, November 1st (Tuesday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, November 1st (Tuesday)

How about these Boundaries and Consequences:

It stops contacting the filthy puss bag or else it gets the hose again.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 610 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, November 5th (Saturday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, November 11th (Friday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
laughagain?
Member
Member # 30559
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, November 11th (Friday)

I realized recently this is one of my major issues I need to work on after riding this rollercoaster for 14 months. I now realize that as long as I allow him to lie and be so disrespectful to me he will continue.
So scary though.

[This message edited by laughagain? at 11:30 AM, November 11th (Friday)]


Me: BS 48
Him: WH 52
Dday 1: 9/9/2010 (2 days after 25th anniversary)

Posts: 57 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: United States
lostsuol
Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, November 12th (Saturday)

thanks... didn't see this 1st time around.

Posts: 810 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, November 18th (Friday)

bump

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, November 24th (Thursday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 30th (Wednesday)

Great on for us newbies


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, December 6th (Tuesday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, December 6th (Tuesday)

bump for Twang


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
emptyheart
Member
Member # 18873
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 11th (Sunday)

bump for geneva


Me - BW, Him - WH
2 great kids that are my reason for living.
1st D-Day - March 28, 2008
False R for a year
2nd D-Day - April 11, 2009

Posts: 1128 | Registered: Mar 2008
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, December 11th (Sunday)

bump


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1429 | Registered: Nov 2010
Twang
Member
Member # 34121
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, December 11th (Sunday)

Bump for L&B


Me the BS 54
WH 54
DDay of 1st OW 11-30-11
2nd DDay of 1st OW 2/25/12
DDay of 2nd OW 12-13-11
Rec: On my part Started 1/1/12
Hopefully mutually on 2/25/12
Starting over again on R 03-26-12

Posts: 93 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
Twang
Member
Member # 34121
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, December 11th (Sunday)

What a great read for the end of the day! Wow powerful. Bless you!


Me the BS 54
WH 54
DDay of 1st OW 11-30-11
2nd DDay of 1st OW 2/25/12
DDay of 2nd OW 12-13-11
Rec: On my part Started 1/1/12
Hopefully mutually on 2/25/12
Starting over again on R 03-26-12

Posts: 93 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, December 16th (Friday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, December 17th (Saturday)


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Lost and Betraye
Member
Member # 33988
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, December 19th (Monday)

bump


Me=BS 50; Him=WS 46; Dday 11/10/11
Married 13 years; together 20
Kids: DD11;(2) grown boys/men from my previous marriage to a WS
Status: Divorcing

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post" L Thomas Holdcroft


Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: CA
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, December 23rd (Friday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, January 5th (Thursday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, January 9th (Monday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, January 15th (Sunday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
2_4giving4_2long
Member
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, January 15th (Sunday)

oooooooooh. I just asked about boundaries on another forum. This makes so much sense to me now. Thank you.


Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
numbandnauseous
Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, January 15th (Sunday)

thanks - really helpful for us newbies!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, January 23rd (Monday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 24th (Tuesday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, January 24th (Tuesday)

Bump for Emily's


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, January 25th (Wednesday)

Thank you.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1477 | Registered: Dec 2011
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, January 29th (Sunday)


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, February 7th (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, February 10th (Friday)

bump


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5951 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
LisaP
Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, February 12th (Sunday)

bump


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2176 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, February 15th (Wednesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, February 18th (Saturday)


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24435 | Registered: Aug 2011
al35118
Member
Member # 33649
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, March 1st (Thursday)

bump


Bh 48
FWW 31
Married Jan 24th 2012
D-Day June 17 2011
Then TT until Oct 19,2011

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Bama
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, March 3rd (Saturday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
DixieDiamondfly
Member
Member # 34830
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, March 7th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much for this post. I struggle with setting boundaries, so this really underscores the importance of it. I've just go to figure out what the boundaries should be.


BS: Me, 53 yrs. young
WS: Him, 56 yo
KIDS: 29 yo son, 27 yo son, 22 yo daughter...and three wonderful grandsons
Married 31 yrs.
D-Day #1: 2/8/12
D-Day #2: 7/16/2012
Beginning R

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Gulf Coast
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, March 8th (Thursday)

bump


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, March 10th (Saturday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, March 30th (Friday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

bump

Posts: 33897 | Registered: Mar 2011
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, April 8th (Sunday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, April 15th (Sunday)

bump


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
WakingFromADream
Member
Member # 33934
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, April 19th (Thursday)

Bump


Me(35) XWW(36) DS(7) DD 11/16/11 EA(PA?) M 11y D 9/3/13

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Posts: 1148 | Registered: Nov 2011
AttemptStrength
Member
Member # 27947
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, April 20th (Friday)

bump


BS me
WS him x2 A's
1 autistic DS

I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.


Posts: 1992 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Wisconsin
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, April 27th (Friday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 30th (Monday)

Bump for noideawhattodo


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 10th (Thursday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, May 24th (Thursday)

Bump!


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Lucy44
New Member
Member # 34904
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, May 24th (Thursday)

Thank u o much for taking the time to write these words!!!!
It's perfect! :-)
Thank you!
I just need to listen to myself saying them out loud! :-)

Posts: 20 | Registered: Feb 2012
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 8th (Friday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, June 14th (Thursday)

Bump for RIP


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 21st (Thursday)

Bumping for takingtime


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
itsraining
New Member
Member # 35865
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 21st (Thursday)

Thanks for this and for all those who "bump" great advice for those of us who are brand new and need this advice.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2012
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 2nd (Monday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, July 4th (Wednesday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 6th (Friday)

This is great info!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1968 | Registered: Jan 2012
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, July 16th (Monday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
WarehouseGuy
Member
Member # 6037
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, July 16th (Monday)


This needs to go in the healing library.

Great post!


WHG


If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

Posts: 5171 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: Michigan
pmal64
Member
Member # 13551
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, July 17th (Tuesday)


.:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:.
BS-me-50
fWH -54

Posts: 564 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: down south
hank9898
Member
Member # 35405
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, July 23rd (Monday)

Bump


Me - BH (46)
Two great kids
Son (20) US Army
Daughter (18) College student

Posts: 149 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Minnesota
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Keepcalm
Member
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, August 2nd (Thursday)

I agree Healing Library.


BS Me 56
WS Him 54
Married 30 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
I have no idea what is going on

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, August 9th (Thursday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 11th (Saturday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)

I SO needed this information, especially today.
Thank you...


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 600 | Registered: Jul 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, August 27th (Monday)

bump


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, September 4th (Tuesday)

Bump for Brybry


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
sickrn
Member
Member # 36398
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, September 4th (Tuesday)

No matter how many times I read this, I get something new out of it each time. Thanks for bumping and the post...I seem to need constant reminders to do anything good for me....


M=23 yrs
DD-22
BW=46
WH=46
DDAY 6/12

In R....trust but verify!

The truth can't hurt you, it's just like the dark.
It scares you witless,
But in time you see things clear and stark - Elvis


Posts: 89 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Purgatory
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)

bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, September 8th (Saturday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 9th (Sunday)

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 14th (Friday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 16th (Sunday)

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 22nd (Saturday)

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, September 29th (Saturday)

bump

Posts: 11399 | Registered: Mar 2008
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 7th (Sunday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, October 13th (Saturday)

weekend bump.

Posts: 11399 | Registered: Mar 2008
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, October 22nd (Monday)

Bump for Newbies


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, November 11th (Sunday)


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
lknup
Member
Member # 37433
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, November 11th (Sunday)

thanks for bumping. I need to read this stuff even when it is hard!


Me: BH
He: WH
DD fall 2012
Getting a Divorce!

Posts: 131 | Registered: Nov 2012
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, November 16th (Friday)

bump


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2551 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, November 16th (Friday)

Great post. Wish I had read it sooner.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)

bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, November 27th (Tuesday)

bump for beforeandafter


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 10th (Monday)

bumpin'


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)

Bump

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, December 21st (Friday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, December 24th (Monday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)

one more time...


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
mountainmomma
Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

Bumpily bump


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, January 11th (Friday)

Bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, January 17th (Thursday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 19th (Saturday)

BUMP!


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, January 20th (Sunday)

bump


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2551 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)

Bumpin' for newbies


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

newbees!


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 1st (Friday)

Weekend Bumps for Newbies


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, March 9th (Saturday)

Bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, March 10th (Sunday)

Bump


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, March 15th (Friday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)

A great post. LOVE it, can still be applied!

Another reminder on how I wished I had found this site, when I was in denial/shock at the very beginning! My 1yr of hell TT, that I wasted!

I never looked up the word "infidelity" was always looking up "betrayed"

Thank You


Separated - working on R

Posts: 451 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, March 21st (Thursday)

Family and friends on boths sides of our M knew about the A and did not tell me.

So, I don't consider them friends of our M.

One, to this day, continues to let WH spend overnights at her house and he told me during false R, "I chose her cause she lets me do what I want". She is also someone who thinks so differently than me that I can't consider being "friends" right now, never mind later.

WH does not understand this, but its not a surprise.

A few boundaries that I put out that I don't see on the list atop this thread:

-NC with me from OW's house where he has lived for a year;

-NC to OW if he has to come to "our" house;

-no trading resources between OW's family and "our" house; yes, he realy thought this was ok.

-limited texting/electronics when WH visits with DD, shouldn't time be one-on-one with her?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, April 29th (Monday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 16th (Thursday)

For ((Calikid))


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 27th (Monday)

Bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

bemp

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

I think the key here is "detach".

I do, then I get all happy when its working, we get close, he gets stupid again.

I'm thinking my next boundary just may be that there is a limit to the number of times I'll through this cycle with him.

When I say he gets stupid again I don't mean he cheats again its all the other stuff - mean with words, impatient, treating me like the enemy - what we were even BEFORE the EA.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Jpapageorge
Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, July 4th (Thursday)

Bump


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 6th (Saturday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
pmal64
Member
Member # 13551
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 22nd (Monday)

bumpity bump.


.:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:.
BS-me-50
fWH -54

Posts: 564 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: down south
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
confused71
New Member
Member # 39530
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 29th (Monday)

So I'm working on drafting my boundaries so I can share them with WH when we start MC. I've come up with 3 lists and am titling them Expectations, Goals, and Dealbreakers. I have 10 expectations, 3 deal breakers (which would result in divorce), and 5 goals for now. An example of an expectation would be an ongoing commitment to MC and IC - weekly sessions for each. An example of a goal would be to deal with conflict head on instead of avoiding it. A deal breaker example would be any inappropriate physical, emotional, or sexual contact with another person.

Do these categories make sense, or am I breaking things down too much? Also, do I need consequences for expectations? If so, what would those look like?

Also, just curious what the general consensus is about working on R while we're still separated. Worried about the kids with him moving in and then possibly moving back out again if he screws up during R.


Me: BS 39
Him: WS 44
Married 10 years, cheated at least 7 of those years
Two young DS
Multiple DDays in May 2013, and still waiting for the next DD to strike
Prostitutes abroad and in our home, 2 long-term simultaneous affairs - 1 PA & 1 EA/PA

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Desert
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, July 29th (Monday)

bump for livebythesea


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

confused71,

Sounds like you have a clear idea of how this might work for you. I think you need to articulate the consequences of not meeting the categories. The deal breakers are straight, but what about when an expectation is not met, what will be the result.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, August 9th (Friday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Phoenix9572
Member
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, August 16th (Friday)

This is a very Christian based message but the heart of the message has been very good. I have found this very helpful as I'm learning that I have let my WH walk all over my boundaries and have not stuck up for myself in the past. I plan on taking the concepts in here to my IC and getting help with defining my boudaries and consequences to my WH.
Here's the link: http://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/kreitz/Christian/Boundaries/all.html


Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Bump


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 20th (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Apr 2009
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Bumping for maddmurph.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, November 4th (Monday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

bump


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

Can someone give examples of consequences please.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 294 | Registered: Aug 2013
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, December 16th (Monday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, December 21st (Saturday)

bump


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24435 | Registered: Aug 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, December 27th (Friday)

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16420 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, January 10th (Friday)

bumpity bump bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

bump


I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
shatteredapart
Member
Member # 41978
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

Thank you so much for this post and for everyone bumping it for us newbies. I have been attempting to write out my marriage boundaries for a week now. After reading through this I have a clearer idea and now know I need solid consequences.

[This message edited by shatteredapart at 10:11 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]


Me-BS
Him-WS
EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

bump


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

This is helpful! Thank you so much for it. I need to write out my boundaries. We have made them known, but I feel a concrete, on paper version would be helpful to remind and just to see it down on paper. One question: as a BS, I can see how this is hard for some BS. I have high school male friends that live 300 miles away and we talk maybe once a year or send a Christmas card, that kind of thing. Is this saying that I can no longer have male friends period? I am never alone with them as I have boundaries already without even having to think about them in those cases. It sucks that I have to change my friends because of him!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
Filed, but may R after

Posts: 786 | Registered: Dec 2013
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

deena04,
Your boundaries are yours. They are first and foremost to protect you. many craft them different ways. I personally don't expect the expectations for the two of us to be different. If I am trying to protect myself and my marriage I have the same expectations of my behavior as my W. However, there are many that look at it that they didn't violate their vows and will continue to behave in any way they have in the past.

Example last night similar to your example. I have a good female friend from high school who is coming home. I would like to see her. she said we could do lunch. NOPE. I will see her in the evening as a group with other friends from high school male and female. Just protecting my marriage and letting my W know we are safe as well.
But in short your boundaries are yours...


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

Thank you! We have set up boundaries for WH, but I am also trying to do mostly the same. The exceptions being that I would like to keep those old, barely seen friends because WE didn't do anything wrong. My husband has and is always welcome to join when my friends come back to visit; it is never just male friend and me - never! I took it as though I just needed to end friendships with them completely. Thanks for clarifying!!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
Filed, but may R after

Posts: 786 | Registered: Dec 2013
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, February 21st (Friday)


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16420 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Great post.

Up thread someone asked for examples of consequences of boundaries. I could use some examples too.

Thanks.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1692 | Registered: Aug 2013
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Neorb,

Consequences can range from deal breaker divorce. To additional IC, sleep on couch, separation, setting up MC, additional gives like chores, planning additional date nights, scheduling couples weekend, etc. not everything needs to none a deal breaker, but they should engage and give more. Hope that helps.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

bump



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Apr 2009
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3734 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
undonelife
Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Bump


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

bump


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1780 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, March 13th (Thursday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, March 15th (Saturday)

Bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1845 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
bluelightshine
New Member
Member # 37539
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, March 20th (Thursday)

Bump


BS(Me) 32
SAWH (Beaker) 35
Married 11 Years
Dday Oct 06 2012
Dday 2 February 19 2014
Confessed to getting hand jobs from
prostitutes in 2006 and while living with OW
PA/EA 1 year
In r
2 children under 10
Working on faith everyday.



Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2012
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, March 24th (Monday)

Bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, March 28th (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

BOMP

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, April 6th (Sunday)


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, April 11th (Friday)

bump


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

bump


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 1st (Thursday)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, May 4th (Sunday)

Bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

bump


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3734 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
mountainmomma
Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 15th (Thursday)

Bumpity bump


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, May 16th (Friday)

bump bump


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BlackHorse
Member
Member # 43459
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)

Thank you "tushnurse" for bringing this discussion back to the front where I was able to read and attempt to understand - and maybe use - if I get the chance.

Unfortunately things may already be too late.

- BlackHorse.


Not together long enough - too many long separations due to her continuing medical issues.
Me - Canadian.
She - American.
Both of us in our fifties.
D-Day - 04/30/14 (while she was away seeking medical assistance in her homeland)

Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The West Coast of Canada
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)

Blackhorse,
This applies going forward regardless of outcome. Welcome to the club.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Nov 2010
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 24th (Saturday)

Bumping for all the new members that come here over a long holiday weekend.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 26th (Monday)

BUMP


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 19th (Thursday)

bump


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1845 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Topic Posts: 272