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User Topic: Law Enforcement Officers & Spouses Affected by Infidelity
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 30th (Sunday)

There will be no venting ABOUT officers, as we have several BS's here that are officers and it would be hurtful to them.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
kluelesskat
Member
Member # 23552
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 30th (Sunday)

Could this also include those who are married or attached to law enforcement?
I am interested in hearing from those in this line of work. I think the job can have some serious impact on your life. Its not an easy career to deal with.

ETA: I absolutely support those in the field. People have no idea how much your life is affected by protecting the community

[This message edited by kluelesskat at 12:45 PM, August 30th (Sunday)]


Me - BS
Him - WS
MOW - Ole fatty w 2 others on the side besides mine and her husband

Posts: 215 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada Eh
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 30th (Sunday)

We added Spouses to the title

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Tranquileyez
New Member
Member # 25239
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, August 30th (Sunday)

Hi, My WS is a Philadelphia PO. He just became a PO though, graduated academy 2 months ago. His A came 5 weeks after we were married and less than 2 weeks of him being on the job. I think a good part of the reason he actually had an A was bc he never was really "in the public eye." Besides being stressed about the new job, the hours and having a poor self image, he never really was a "go out" and meet someone guy. He met the OW at the end of his shift, told her he wasn't married and allowed himself to become emotionally and physically involved. Before being a PO, he worked at a newspaper and was attending college classes. After we met and had our first child, he worked for a very very small handtruck company where he had no interaction with women. He happened to meet a very attractive woman who was very interested in him. I'm almost thankful it happened so early in our marriage b/c if we had been married 6 years instead of 6 weeks, there would be no coming back for him. I'd love to hear other PO spouses or PO themselves comment on either side of the fence.... I blame his job for having this happen but we all know the "blame game" is pointless.


My own quote: "We will not break and we will not sink to meet the lower perspective, we will rise up. We will take the pain that they have wrought upon us and we will turn it into COURAGE, STRENGTH, KNOWLEDGE and possibly a DEEPER LOVE."

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Philadelphia
foggybottomboy
Member
Member # 25037
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, August 31st (Monday)

I am a PO and a BS. There is so much infidelity in this line of work, you wouldn't imagine. I prided myself as being a faithful husband but after over 11 years and two kids, my wife decided to have an A at her work. She obviously had to quit her job and now I'm having to support the family on my salary (and we all know what that amounts to lol). But we are in reconciliation and I am giving her a second chance although at times I question why. It's only been 4 months since I found out and then I found that before she quit her job she was still carrying on an EA with him. I want so bad to beat the f out of him but would lose the only income we have. Oh well, life goes on I guess...with or without the WW.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2009
nofun
Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, August 31st (Monday)

My WH is a firefighter. Don't leave these guys out either. D stats are right up there with Law Enforcement.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
sufferingalot
Member
Member # 20890
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, August 31st (Monday)

First off, thank you, thank you, thank you SI staff for this thread!!!!!

Brief history - I am the BS of a PO. We've been married almost 25 years, he's been a PO for 18 years, and I found out last year that he was having an A. Through trickle truth, found out he had 4 A's over about a 10 year period. Had a couple of false R's and have been in true R (I think) since the new year.

While I do think some of it has to do with the stress of their jobs, I think a bigger part of it is the KISA syndrome and the adrenaline rushes. They "save" the damsel in distress and the damsel is so grateful she just wants to sleep with her KISA. I also think it's a power trip for some of them.

Alarmingly, there are SO many women out there that will do ANYTHING to be with a cop - badge bunnies. Personally, I don't see what the big attraction is - they work long hours, weekends, shift work, and low pay - oooh baby! But there they are, just hanging out at known cop hangouts ready for any cop who will have them


Me: BS (45, Him: WS (49)
Married: 24 years
Kids: Ages 24, 23, 18
D Day 1: 8/17/08 D Day #2 12/6/08
D Day #3 12/25/08
OW - 4 (One LTA)
Status: Trying to R

Posts: 2649 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: State of Misery
Tranquileyez
New Member
Member # 25239
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 31st (Monday)

Badge Bunnies?? I'm sorry but that almost sounds adorable... the kind of adorable I'd like to scratch the eyes off of.

I'm really sorry to hear that your PO WS chronically has A, sufferingalot. That has to be very disturbing, disgusting and painful (to list a few descriptors).

And this is where I start to REALLY think about what is going to happen to me and my WS. I would say that for being a month outside of DDay, I'm doing awesome (which is still REALLY crappy compared to the rest of the world). But my WS was working the beat less than 2 weeks before he had found someone with which to have an affair. And she might have been very attracted to the Badge but he told her he wasn't married at first so I can't even blame her for being some sort of fowl temptress. And were happy, the vast majority of the time anyway.

Is this just the start of a long and illustrious career of serial A?? He's so sincere about his NEVER going to do it again, but I have no faith and no trust. I believe that he loves me and that he always has, but not having enough love for each other is rarely the issue in matters where the relationship is suffering.


My own quote: "We will not break and we will not sink to meet the lower perspective, we will rise up. We will take the pain that they have wrought upon us and we will turn it into COURAGE, STRENGTH, KNOWLEDGE and possibly a DEEPER LOVE."

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Philadelphia
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, August 31st (Monday)

My WS ended up having and EA that I believe turned into PA from April to July of this year with someone he works with. He has been a PO for 8 years and has worked very hard for what he has accomplished and believe he is one of the better PO out there.

My biggest worry and problem with it is that whether it is OW or someone else down the road I feel like they can always relate to my H on a much deeper level when it comes to his job than I will ever be able to. That is very hard to come to terms with.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
AlongForTheRide
Member
Member # 24912
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 31st (Monday)

For those of you dealing with crazy LEO work shifts, do you feel that dealing with the A/reconciliation is taking/has taken longer simply because of the LEO's availability and/or energy level on days off?

Sometimes I feel that some of our discussions about the A have to get postponed until WH and I are home at the same time AND he is not recovering from a 12-hour shift. It's also harder to get that quality time together I feel we really need, and definitely more difficult to schedule MC on a regular basis. When he IS home, the kids are all over him because they miss their dad so much. That sort of leaves me at the bottom of the priority list.

Any thoughts?

[This message edited by AlongForTheRide at 10:58 AM, August 31st (Monday)]


Me: BW
DDay: 2/1/09
S - 4 months

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2009
whoishe?
Member
Member # 24312
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, August 31st (Monday)

when I was in my early twenties I dated a policeman who I met in a bar. I found out several months into our relationship that he was married. Police have a lot of crafty ways to cheat. You may wonder how we could date so long and I not see any signs. You would be surprised how clever they can be. I found out through a friend of his who didn't agree with his cheating that the apartment I thought was his was shared by five cheating policeman who would take turns working security for the apartment complex in exchange for the rent. Whatever officer had the apartment for the day would switch out a few simple pics on the walls and personalize it to make it look like his home.About the time I found out he was married I also found out he had given me chlamydia I told him if he didn't tell his wife I would, her health was at stake. I ended the relationship and he told me that if I said anything to his wife my father would find me in a shallow grave on the side of the road.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Oregon
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 31st (Monday)

alongfortheride-

I completely feel that way. I feel like his job is taking priority over our M and our healing and that is very hard to handle and makes it that much harder to get past this!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
daneck
New Member
Member # 25325
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 31st (Monday)

I am a PO and have only been one for a little while. but i see and have seen that men and woman in law enforcement accept and almost encourage EA within the force and outside. its almost like its ok because all the other cops are doing it. and it isnt just the cops doing it, a good friend of my brothers recently killed himslef after finding out his wife was having an affair. The long hours or bizarre shifts make it easy for either the PO or the spouse to have the EA. We were warned in the academy that woman will almost literally throw panties at you. I dont know what it is about the uniform but some woman fall for it. I also know several men in the force that have beautiful wonderul wives that i KNOW they love and adore, but they still do stuff on the side, laugh and joke about it with other cops, i never thought id fall for that stuff but i did i guess, i love my wife more than any other woman on the planet, she is beautiful and incredible but i fell for the same things that other PO did. I think though once they get caught they are brought back to reality. Ones that do get caught get made fun of for getting caught and laughed at behind there back, the other guys dont seem to care very much about the emotional pain he must be going through.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: philadelphia
lovinlife
Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, August 31st (Monday)

WOW... just wanted to say thank-you BIG time for this forum!!

My FWS is also a PO and has been for 30 years. Yes, there is alot of infidelity among the ranks, but infidelity is high in alot of professions. The PO work shift work and some even have to work part-time jobs as well. They are overworked and under paid, but most love their jobs and they are there everyday protecting all of us.

Having said that, it is a profession that creates strong bonds between the PO's and alot of stress on marriages.

My FWS also had an A. They met on the job. It started as a friendship, and proceeded from there. It lasted a little over 2 years. Sure could have used a space here specifically for law enforcement, but we still survived, and are in a strong R. Just another victim of the streets and lucky to have survived!

I look forard to reading here and being of help if possible!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
guarded
Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, August 31st (Monday)

My WH is a prison guard and again, infidelity there is very high, I'd say higher than cops on the beat. It is as if the jailhouse mentality gets into their heads. The OW also works in the same jail and has had several jailhouse affairs although I am certain this is my WH's first.
I think that officers are taught to compartmentalize their lives in their heads to keep job-related stuff on the job, but this allows them to build another world where their actions don't feel like they affect the outside world.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 441 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
jrjr
Member
Member # 7175
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, August 31st (Monday)

My xWW is a LEO & so is the OM.
They work at the same sheriffs office.

My story is in my profile.
We were married for almost 4.5 years & dated 2 years prior to that.

It's been 5 years since the divorce. I can't believe it has been that long.

I've made the mistake of still finding info about her....see her on facebook, myspace etc. I don't know why I do it. It just stirs up pain for me.

From her avatar photos, she seems happy & content with her life. She finally got what she wanted...to be 'tough person' & to wield a gun to show her power.

At the beginning, I can definitely see that she was attracted to the uniform. She always was. Her dad was in LE for many years. So I guess that's where it may have started...a little girls admiration for her dad.


I wish her all the worst in life.

At our last day together, she saw me break down like I never have before. She really didn't have any empathy at all for me.

Then I saw her one last time. She stopped by for about 20 minutes. We talked...just small talk. We didn't talk at all about what was going on, the separation... the obvious divorce. Then I saw her drive away in her car.
That was the last time I saw her. It was like a scene from a movie.
What a sad day that was.


Me BS-33 now 37; Her xWW-27 now 31
Dated 7/97-6/99 M 6/3/99
MC 3/03 D-day 1/17/04 Sep 2/3/04
I Filed D 4/13/04 D final 5/26/04
2 month after, she co-signed prop mortgage w/ OM
She works for Walton Co Sheriff FL; He works there too.

Posts: 296 | Registered: May 2005 | From: Tallahassee, Florida
KLinNoCA
Member
Member # 22195
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, August 31st (Monday)

Yep, BS of a LEO here, too. His affairs started shortly after the birth of our last child (12 years ago). He was seen kissing a dispatcher in the back parking lot of the station, then was "working OT" when he was really at a party with her. Next A happened when he worked out of town and had to live at another cops house--would come home on his RDO's and brought me a "present" in his suitcase (he didn't realize she had stuffed it in there)--it was another woman's panties.
Was on single dating websites while at work trolling for skanks online--

I've had so many "red flags" thrown in my face, but was completely manipulated and convinced by him that I was "crazy" for thinking he'd ever cheat on me....

you know what makes me SICK now? He's in a high position in the dept. and COUNSELS new recruits on cheating and infidelity

[This message edited by KLinNoCA at 9:17 PM, August 31st (Monday)]


BS (me):45
STBXH:53
M 13 years, together 15yrs
4 kids (2 mine, 2 ours)
1st D-day:July 17, 2008
2nd D-Day: Nov. 20, 2008
MOW, as well as a former BFF OW--I was in an "open marriage", I just never got the memo.
Divorcing his ass

Posts: 1191 | Registered: Dec 2008
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)

My WH is a prison guard and again, infidelity there is very high, I'd say higher than cops on the beat. It is as if the jailhouse mentality gets into their heads. The OW also works in the same jail and has had several jailhouse affairs although I am certain this is my WH's first.
I think that officers are taught to compartmentalize their lives in their heads to keep job-related stuff on the job, but this allows them to build another world where their actions don't feel like they affect the outside world.

My H is a correction officer also. We also live in NY. My brother who was an officer in the same jail at the time said, don't be suprised NET when all the guys shake their head for a minute then go about their business. He said it is disgustingly prevelant.

The OW also works in the same jail and has had several jailhouse affairs although I am certain this is my WH's first.

Us too....


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
guarded
Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)

I also worked in another jail for a few months as a civilian, so I watched it over and over. Also, had other close family working in various jails, so am very familiar with the atmosphere.

I knew that the job changes people, but I never thought that it would happen to my husband because he had been an officer for ten years already and I had never seen any of the "cockiness" that seems to become part of the CO's persona after about 2 years on the job. However, when the relationship with OW began, I could see that all of the sudden, my formerly mild-mannered husband now had a temper and no patience. Also, he started to lie about things that had nothing to do with the affair. He also started becoming involved at work, whereas before, he never went to anything: ie, retirement parties, xmas parties, etc.

Coworkers knew about the affair and offered ways not to get caught!


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 441 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)

During the A, another officer warned H to make his choices carefully. FOW was known for looking for the next conquest and fellow worker had told FOW to stay away from M Men.....She asked h if he knew FOW married an affair partner that left his wife for her...Of course he didn't have that little tidbit from FOW. She had just said that it was his second M.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
guarded
Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)

I guess I don't understand why people don't feel the need to call others on their behavior. I personally know of two other officers that had jailhouse affairs that tore their marriages and families apart and who have been able to finally reconcile who didn't say ANYTHING to him. I feel like one word from one of them early on would have stopped it all dead in its tracks.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 441 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, September 2nd (Wednesday)

I think maybe Guarded, if these other guards have not had the exposure to support such as SI, it still really is a mind my own business kind of world. Even having lived it.....And we all know that when a WS is beginning down that slope, THEY are different.......there new love is special and different. Chances are our H's wouldn't have listened, but, after having been through this I hope my H would reach out and try to help.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)

Why is it so exceptable in this field. Do people not have any morals anymore. I know the field I am in if this started occuring it would be nipped fast!!!!!!!!!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)

Mommy, I don't know if accepted is the right word, but, it seems shrugged off. After all Marriage is disposable now to so many people. It is so sad.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)

You would think that those PO who don't engage in such actions would step up and say something, since in reality they are getting a bad rep because of this.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)

But you have to try and remember we are so super sensitive to it all now.. I can honestly tell you before my world exploded I would never have openly condoned this behavior, but, I did have the mind set to mind my own business.....And of course I was famous for "If he ever........."


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)

nooneeverthought-

Completely understand what you are saying I have always had "stay out of drama mind my own business mantality" so yes I get that.

Just upset right now and would love to blame anybody that I can. I know not right.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)

That is okay, keep coming on to talk about it, that is what this is all about. We all want someone to blame....


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
doesitend
Member
Member # 25040
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, September 4th (Friday)

My WH is a former PO, EMT, and now in the security field. I destinctly remember the "indfedilty/ high divorce rate" talk he had in the acadmey and the "high moral standards" of the department. What CRAP if they aren't going to follow through?

Did you know that infedilty is a court martial offense, or reduction in pay, brig time, etc... in the military? Doesn't stop it, espeically on deployment, but maybe if there were more punishments for these fields to hold them to that higher standard- it wouldn't be so "accepted."

I personally think- you might not condone the behavior, but if you don't stand up against it- you are accepting it.


BS-me
WS-him
married 8 years
1 child- 2.5 boy
D-Day- April 28, 2009- 2 EA's found out in same day
Trickle Truth- keep finding out new stuff.
Dday#2- Sept. 7, 2009- 4 women, 4 years
He filed for divorce 1 week after I got back from my friends!

Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2009
KSA2
Member
Member # 9474
Red  Posted: 10:41 PM, September 4th (Friday)

A reminder about the very first post on this thread:

There will be no venting ABOUT officers, as we have several BS's here that are officers and it would be hurtful to them.


No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

Posts: 29360 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Mod Dungeon
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

I think lack of communication is a big problem with couples whom either one or both work in this field. Anybody have any advice on how to keep that line of communication open even though you really don't completely understand what officer's do?

I feel like OW was able to relate to H on a different level than I was and that is where problems started.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

Hi Mommy, The one and only thing H and his FOW had in common was work. It was ingrained in him from day one to not bring his work home, he took that literally. And I mean he never uttered a word about work and I didn't really care and never asked.......Now that we are R'ing, I ask him every day, he tells me what life is like in the prison. We talk about his duties and the kinds of convo's he has with co-workers and or inmates. If I don't understand part of what he does, I ask him to explain it to me. He does the same with my job...


Doesitend,

I destinctly remember the "indfedilty/ high divorce rate" talk he had in the acadmey

My H got that talk to in his first week, came home from training and scared the crap out of me.....And sadly they are right about the statistics.

I personally think- you might not condone the behavior, but if you don't stand up against it- you are accepting it.

That is pretty general, in our case it was more like ignorance.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

I am definatley trying to do that on a daily basis. We are currently seperated (by my choice) but are still focused on R.

My H made comment in April before I found out about A that it had gotten to the point that he would rather be at work than at home. And I would think in his line of work, home would be your "safe place" the place you go to get away from the bad stuff.

That is what I am trying to make for my H.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

I would have thought the same. Actually H got his Social Security statement and was completely blown away at how much overtime he did the year before and during the A. He doesn't do any now. I said babe, you signed for OT every day and not that the money wasn't nice but you did it just not to be here. He said I know and I really am sorry.....


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
guarded
Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

My H never signed up for OT before the A or did anything extra...xmas parties, benefits, retirement parties, or hung out w/ other officers outside of work before the A. During and after, he did lots of OT and all of the sudden started going to EVERYTHING and volunteering to be a trainer, extra duty like state fair, etc.

Now, he likes his job too much to leave AND the people he works with.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 441 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)

I‘m a former police officer and also a BS.

I have concerns about threads like this because too often the perceived truth is taken as the absolute truth when there is no evidence to support it. This in turn leads to people seeking solutions to the WRONG causes. Few professions have been studied as extensively as Police officers with regard to psychological effects of the job so it does sound strange that there isn’t a general consensus supporting the theory that police officers (or their spouses) are more likely to cheat.

There is no accepted study – to my knowledge – that supports the mita that infidelity is more rampant in law enforcement than in other professions. Granted the divorce rate is significantly higher but all research indicates that the reasons for divorce are in the same proportions as the reasons “normal” couples give for divorcing. In fact – more surveys show that medical professions and people working in education might have a higher infidelity rate than other professions (law enforcement included).

What survey after survey has shown is that Law enforcement personnel:
have a higher divorce rate
have a higher suicide rate (but not significantly)
tend to use violent methods in suicide (gunshot – obviously)
Some research indicates a higher percentage of alcoholism but that is disputed.

The most interesting theory (and the one many professionals focus on) is that the unique nature of the job places a certain type of emotional and physical stress on both the officer and the spouse. The officer might be sitting in his/her car one minute and facing a knife the next. Or trying to be calm and comforting to someone crushed inside a wrecked car. Then an hour later he/she has to be home cooking hamburgers for the kids… The spouse might hear on the news about a shooting or hear sirens…
The uncertainty of the job has negative impact on both. Add to that the effects of irregular hours, the social environment and other factors and you have a deadly cocktail for a marriage.
Some say that the increased divorce rate in the military is caused by the same stress symptoms. In times of peace a soldier is quite certain he will be home safe and the spouse does not worry – this changes when the soldier spends time in Iraq.
The “interesting” thing about this stress is that it affects BOTH the spouse and the officer. I have noticed that when one considers the gender division here on SI (significantly more women post) then there are a surprising number of serving military personnel and law-enforcement officers posting as BS. To me this supports what I read in surveys and research in that the unique stress affects BOTH spouses.

Finally: an experienced officer is an asset and an unstable officer is a liability. Forces all over the world have placed immense emphasis on holding on to their veterans. Since a happy family life is important to being a happy and content person then generally police officers and their spouses have good access to MC and professional support. Often the spouse of the officer can initiate and access this support. If you are married to a law-enforcement officer (or are one) then I strongly suggest you see what support you are offered.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5311 | Registered: Sep 2005
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 9th (Wednesday)

Bigger -

I am not sure anyone specifically said that cheating happens more with LEO. Maybe I missed something.

I am speaking only from my experience and the agency my H is in and it is very overlooked and happens a great deal. I don't know what happens anywhere else or any statistics.

All I know is my H had an A with someone he works with and I am trying to figure out how to comminicate better with him and try to cover every base so hopefully it will not happen again in the future. I personally am not here to bash on Law Enforcement.

But if this certain thread can give me any insight or let me talk to people going through the same thing as me then I think this is forum is great and will continue to use it!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
lovinlife
Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)

The most interesting theory (and the one many professionals focus on) is that the unique nature of the job places a certain type of emotional and physical stress on both the officer and the spouse
.

That statement is why I was excited to see a place for law enforcement... because of the unique qualities that go along with being a police officer or the spouse of an officer.

I am not looking for a place to put anyone down. I have every respect for those in law enforcement and for those of us that love them. It is a stressful life and it's nice to have a place to talk to others that deal with the same issues. JMO

I LOVE MY COP!!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, September 13th (Sunday)

My criticism was not intended to kill this thread. In fact mommy – in your first posts you point out exactly the serious issues that face LEO families. But there are several mentions about the prevalent infidelity in the force and even the simple fact a profession specific thread was created says a lot. If we are to base things on our own experience and not consider “facts” then I would like to see a thread about those in a relationship with wanton hairdressers…

To me the 10-15% increased divorce rate with LEO families is in itself a reason for this thread. Not the myth that LEO are more likely to cheat.

I’ll share one thing about the job; it’s not the glamorous job portrayed on TV and movies. It’s a lot of sitting around, waiting and passing time. The “clientele” are the dregs of society; drunks, addicts, thieves, nut-jobs, prostitutes…
Danger? Not really – not on a daily basis (actually being a seaman, logger, steel-worker, pilot, garbage collector or roofer is riskier). But it’s still there. On my first shift, first day on the job, a guy pulled a knife on me. Never experienced that before joining the force nor after leaving…
However one does not want to bring this home. You don’t want to walk in your house and tell your spouse “honey – what a day. I spent two hours talking to a hooker, then I had to arrest a mugger I chased down an alley. To crown it all a bum vomited all over my shoes.”
LEO also witnesses a lot of gore and violence. Car accidents, suicides, murders… These things can leave scars that take a long time to heal.

So you leave it all at work. But that’s not really a problem. I work in a high security job. If I told my wife about my day in detail I could both lose my job and possibly do time. My wife is an IC nurse. She has to respect patient confidentiality. So we don’t talk about our jobs to each other except in very broad terms. So the confidentiality is not the issue.

The problem is that although one leaves the job at work one does not leave the stress and physical tiredness there. There are ways to handle and blow off stress. Unfortunately LEO often fall into negative ways to blow off stress – things like going out for a drink after work, verbal violence (that can lead to LEO entering a one-upship competition and/or thinking the excess is acceptable behavior) or even domestic violence.
There are other more positive ways to blow off steam and alleviate the pressure.
I used to jog home from my shifts. The 40 minute jog helped to clear my mind. Many LEO exercise and they should consider doing so AFTER the shift rather than before.
Other suggestions could be to do chores like shopping on the way home – the 20-30 minute buffer can help in getting the LEO into “normality”.
Spend the first 30 minutes the LEO get’s home with the family.
Find ways to make sure you have time together despite shifts.
Get a combined past-time or hobby. Something that you can both put energy into.
Take walks together.
Schedule family-life so the LEO can take an active part (that includes chores). So maybe Thursday evening is the big family meal evening because the LEO is working over the weekend.
Make an effort to have activity friends outside the force. Don’t fish with your partner; don’t golf with your sergeant.

I would think this thread could be a great place for LEO and their spouses to discuss the unique problems they meet and how to handle them. As SI is undeniably an infidelity site then of course infidelity will be one of them.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5311 | Registered: Sep 2005
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, September 13th (Sunday)

The problem is that although one leaves the job at work one does not leave the stress and physical tiredness there

Bingo....Add that to the fact that sometimes the spouse has been home for very long hours with child and home responsibilites and all they want is for their LEO to let them have a break..It can breed a perfect storm of resentment and LEO's are in a position of authority and that can be hard to check at the door.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, September 13th (Sunday)

So true. That’s why – despite it sounding selfish – allowing the LEO an extra 40 minutes to get home because he/she is thrashing a treadmill or pounding the road could be beneficial for both. As in all marriages it boils down to BOTH partners thinking whets best for the family and not what’s best for them.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5311 | Registered: Sep 2005
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, September 13th (Sunday)

This whole experience has been very eye opening for both of us and he has shared how stressed work can make him. He always seemed "ok" so I didn't ask.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
Eight13
Member
Member # 20958
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, September 13th (Sunday)

badge bunnies

I like "holster-sniffer" better

On a more serious note, thanks to Bigger - and Mods - for bringing this forum back around in quick fashion. It was starting to swirl there.

My history: my WS is a PO; I am also a PO. I think many officers have similar traits: type-A personalities, stubborn, judgmental, and very good at having a "game face." Need us to be sensitive at a death scene? We're sensitive. Need us to be tough with a suspect? We're tough. Need us to be both of those things, 3 seconds apart? No problem. That "game face" isn't who we are, it's what we do. And it can be exhausting. Perhaps PO's begin to get emotionally tired (lazy?) and may start to seek out people who don't challenge them, don't question them, who totally admire them and "worship" the ground the PO walks on. Enter the holster-sniffer, badge-bunny, blue-light whore, and the rest is history.

IMHO, and in my situation, my PO WS left me for a holster-sniffer. He needed someone he felt superior to and that he could "control" without exerting much effort. Easy for Mr. Lazy. Makes him feel powerful and important at home, just like he feels at work.

But how long can it last? I think a lot of cops find life is sort of dull when there isn't at least a little bit of danger involved. As long as the affair is a little dangerous, it will hold it's appeal.


Me: BW
Him: WH
M 9 years
Dday September 2008
Status: D 12/09/09. Fifteen months and three days since Dday. Not a moment too soon.

May 2011: Happier than I've been. To all hurting BS's, time often truly does heal. I didn't always be


Posts: 442 | Registered: Sep 2008
karmasnmf
Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, September 14th (Monday)

guarded and nooneverthought,

my FWH is a CO also. He's only been on the job for about a year.

He is currently 'friends' with another CO. They talk about the job, so he says. I don't like that the conversations are so long (usually when I'm not around), I have confronted him on this and the conversations are not that often or that long. I've been trying to monitor as much as I can. He doesn't do overtime and he doesn't have any unaccounted time. I don't think anything physical is going on but feel like it could lead to that. Any advice on how to handle would be great.

I am going to let him know (again) that with him talking to her about the job and not talking to me about it gives me a bad feeling about their 'friendship'


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, September 14th (Monday)

((karma))

I didn't think my H had any unaccounted time for either, boy was I wrong. If you are uncomfortable with the friendship, he needs to end it. There are far more male counterparts to befriend. I am sorry you are going through this....


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, September 14th (Monday)

Ok so how do you communicate with a PO if you are not one? I get the confidetiality, I work for a law firm, so I totally get it.

My H had an A with another PO so how could I possibly communicate with him on any other level that OW can't? Especially since as a PO it is a very trying and difficult job to shut off when you go home.

So OW can talk with my H without having to worry about the confidentiality or understanding that comes with being a PO. What do I have to offer?


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 14th (Monday)

((mommy))

By saying things like

"Was your day stressful" "would back rub relieve some tension"

they may not be able to share names with you but they can share situations.

"God, babe you look so tired today, did you need a cup of coffee before the kids climb all over you"

You can relate to him in a much more intimate way because you can't talk specifics. I know my H doesn't need to give me nity gritty details, he just wants to know I care how his day went.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
karmasnmf
Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, September 14th (Monday)

nooneverthought,

I've told him that I'm not comfortable with it, he has some male co-workers he speaks with, he says she's like one of the guys.


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
NancyNY
Member
Member # 25490
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, September 14th (Monday)

Just found this section. My H is retired NYPD. Things changed after 9/11 for us. Yes being married to a cop is stressful enough, but then 9/11 happened, then his retirement and we moved from NY and trying to adjust to being together 24/7. That is why when he did NOT cover his tracks at all, I know he wanted to get caught. We have had some great talks lately and so much of the A seems to be about getting even with me because he thought I did not love him or had him high enough on my list, lower than the dog is how he puts it.

I think he finally gets it that he made the choice to go down that path, nothing I did or didn't do helped him decide to do this to me. He now realizes just how much I love him and always have and I do not think he had any clue as to the pain he now has to see daily in my eyes, nor how many tears he is having to wipe from my cheeks.

I think he is going to join this site. I am hoping it will help him/us/me to start on the path of R. We cannot afford therapy right now so we are going to try this first.

He has always been my hero, the man I looked up to to keep me safe, I trusted him 100% and now everything is gone, but my love...I just hope it is enough to keep us together while we work at saving us.

Thanks for reading!


Posts: 147 | Registered: Sep 2009
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, September 14th (Monday)

NancyNY -

I am sorry you are here but hope this sight helps with your pain management.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
NancyNY
Member
Member # 25490
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, September 14th (Monday)

Thank you. I was kind of surprised that LEOs got their own place, but every one knows that so many women throw them selves at any thing in uniform, badge bunnies, holster sniffers....oh and the names go on and on....who all are wanting to just get screwed by a cop. To me he is just my husband, not a cop just the man I love

Posts: 147 | Registered: Sep 2009
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, September 14th (Monday)

That is how I feel. I fell in love with my H long before he became a PO.

And he is a good man and a great PO. It has changed him in many ways good and bad. But all people change regardless of what they do for a living.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
Valleywoman
Member
Member # 22841
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, September 14th (Monday)

OMG I am so here. My H became a C/O after we'd been married 20 years. Now he is a PA. I too remember him telling me about the academy and how cadets were 'falling in love' about the 5th week and already making plans to leave spouses.

I never liked him having a female partner. They share things that I cannot be a part of or understand. That gives them a common ground that leaves me out.

His OW died 3 months after the A. I recently asked him if she was trying to take him away from me. Absolutely not. She just wanted something new, after all she'd had everyone else in the office. His explanation: I was stupid.

I didn't read every post here, but I bet I can relate to every one.

Thank you for this topic.


Me: 55
FWH: 57
Married 37 years, together 41
11-08 Saw homemade dvd starring FWH
2/09 found obit of 2nd woman (coworker) naming my FWH as 'love of her life'.
9-20-09 found 2nd dvd. working on 2nd reconciliation. Go ahead, kill me now.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)

karma,

I've told him that I'm not comfortable with it

Ugghhhh, that is so disrespectful of him. If it is not in your comfort zone then he should refrain from the calls.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
karmasnmf
Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)

nooneeverthought,

my sentiments exactly. he has had less telephone conversations with her and I did make him return a call to her in front of me. But because of our history, I do not like it and I do not trust him and because she is not a friend to our marriage (meaning I don't know her)I do not trust her.

However, I do have her cell number, home number and badge number, just in case.

I want to believe that he is finally seeing my side of this but who knows that might just be my heart telling me what I want to hear...


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
leapyearbaby
Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, September 21st (Monday)

Valleywoman:

I never liked him having a female partner. They share things that I cannot be a part of or understand. That gives them a common ground that leaves me out.

Oh, boy...no offense, but as a female on the other side of this, my hackles raised a little on this comment. Not a police office, H and I both paramedics, but have many characteristics in common, although we do get to the be the good guy more often.
Worked with plenty of male partners and choose not to get emotionally or physically involved with them, other than friends. Yet WH choose to go out of field to have several affairs. Any job can get that closeness, that feeling of sharing someone that your spouse doesn't...women have worked too hard to get decent jobs as PO, FF and EMT-Ps to get seen as a danger to their partner's relationship.
It is the wayward spouse that puts us in that position....


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
drowninginsorrow
Member
Member # 4545
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 21st (Monday)

no need for raised hackles leapyear... valleywoman was very clearly speaking of HER H, and HER feelings about HER situation... she wasn't making sweeping generalizations at all about any group of people...

[This message edited by drowninginsorrow at 9:49 AM, September 21st (Monday)]


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

Posts: 56712 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: canuckistan
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, September 21st (Monday)

H did his shift bid today, he got on A-team and she is on B-team, they don't bid again until June 2010 so that is a good thing.

Very proud of him and an added bonus is he has Thurs-Sat off and every other Sunday so Thankgiving, Christmas, New Years, Superbowl we will be able to spend together.

I do have a question though. He has turned down patrol a few times now but said he would go out in June, I am not sure he is ready to take that step however know the big reason for him doing it is for my security. Any comments on this. I would feel much more comfortable with him on patrol so he can get away from HC but I also don't want to jepordize his safety.

How do I get past my selfish reasons and make sure he is doing it for the right reasons and comfortable with that decision?


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, September 21st (Monday)

Boy, do I have to open my eyes more! I was so interested in this thread being opened, and I missed it! Our 'full' story is in my profile/journal.

I am the spouse of a retired PO/current CO. WH was seriously injured in the LOD and eventually had to retire. It was hell for a long time because he was so depressed, so I moved us lock, stock and barrel to another state to get his mind off of the job. He did many other jobs in between PO and CO, but he has been a CO for the past 10 years.

WH has always had female friends, and I was never concerned. He had a female partner in the PD, and I didn't give it a second thought. Now, after 2 confirmed As and another one that is about to break, I'm not so sure about those past friends, but that is for another time and topic.

I feel strongly that men and women can truly just be friends as long as strong boundaries are observed. My WH always presented himself as an upstanding moral figure, and I believe that he was. It was when he started working in the correctional facility in our city that the problems started. He had previously worked in another city, commuting 1 1/2 hours each way, so I guess there was no time for an affair.

He currently works in the hospital unit; his first two OW were/are nurses. The most recent is his immediate supervisor!

WH has always been open about most of his worklife; we went into his vocation with open eyes--he didn't become a PO until we had been married for 7 years. I think I have a good understanding of what he went through as a PO and what he goes through now as a CO. I know there are things that he does not want to or cannot discuss, and I accept that. I have stuck by his side through near death and other serious injuries and through unfounded criminal investigations (as a CO). I helped him with his course work when he was in both academies; I helped him write his defense statements when he was unjustly accused on excessive force. He has paid me back with infidelity.

I'm sorry this was so long; I am very happy to have other spouses of LEOs and LEOs themselves to confir with. I have a strong respect for all public servants (including the fire department and EMS workers)who put themselves in harms way to protect us. Thank you.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, September 21st (Monday)

Mommy,

He has turned down patrol a few times now but said he would go out in June, I am not sure he is ready to take that step however know the big reason for him doing it is for my security. Any comments on this. I would feel much more comfortable with him on patrol so he can get away from HC but I also don't want to jepordize his safety

Trust his training and that he will always follow safety protocols. He has a dangerous job no way around it but safeguards are in place to minimize the danger as much as possible

When my H transferred after 14 long months in R, he is a new man, I mean literally, you can just see all that cloud gone. He had IC today and she took one look at him and said what is different? He no longer has the worst choice of his life in his face. Let him bid whatever he feels will be in the best interest of your M. Many BS's are dreaming for their WS to do that.

[This message edited by nooneeverthought at 6:07 PM, September 21st (Monday)]


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, September 21st (Monday)

nooneevertought-

Thank you, I thik that is what I know needs to happen. I appreciate it and also know that when he goes out on patrol he will be all of the deputies who where hired 8 years ago, who came to our wedding and know me which is very comforting to me as well.


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, September 21st (Monday)

Mommy, I know it is hard, but at some point we have to hand some control to our H and pray that it all goes well. You are still pretty early in this, but, you have come along way.....Have some faith in the process.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, September 21st (Monday)

Sad in AZ, Does he still work with any of these OW?


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, September 21st (Monday)

He works with 2 of the 3. The first one (his confirmed PA) has left the DOC. The second (his EA and 'BFF') still work in the same unit, but their shifts don't always overlap. The most recent was his immediate supervisor but was transferred to a different shift. He no longer drives her to work because of this. I suspect she may have been sexually harrassing him; he told me he had to speak to his lieutenant about her always asking for rides, but really, in the scheme of things, that is neither here nor there. He keeps getting involved in these KISA situations and making an ass of himself.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, September 21st (Monday)

So Sad, I am almost thinking bidding a new facility won't do any good. He needs to have boundries in place no matter where he works or it will always be an issue. Have you asked him to change facilities?


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 21st (Monday)

Oh, net, I have asked him to quit!!! He has 10 years in; he is fully vested and can leave with 2X the money he has invested in his retirement fund. He already has a tax free pension from the PD. I would be happy to have him be a SAHH; however, I think he likes the drama.

I have to leave the post now, as I have a meeting to attend. Thanks for this forum.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
lovinlife
Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday)

WOW... alot going on in here.

Just thought I would stop in and suggest a book. It is called, "I Love a Cop".

Really full of alot of info on what is involved in the job. My H's dept. gives this book to all new recruits and their family/spouse. It really seems to help. Sure would have made it easier if it had been available when we first got married!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Frustrated  Posted: 5:21 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday)

Has anyone here had to deal with LEO spouse threatening suicide? As a former supervisor for an I&R/crisis hotline, I know to take suicide threats seriously, but my WH is a drama queen (not casting aspersions, but the shoe fits him...) He was brought up on high drama and revels in it. We had one critical incident during a very heated argument when he locked himself in the bedroom and was threatening to shoot himself; I told him I had my cell phone in my hand and was calling 911--he yelled out "Don't do it; I'll loose my guns!" Ugh.

This past week, however, he has made more veiled threats; he knows I am on the verge of calling an attorney to start D proceedings because he is still in the fog and probably involved with yet a third OW.

I've considered asking our DS to take all of the guns out of the house; he has a CCW permit. I'm not sure where he could take them, and I really don't want to involve him in this mess; WH is already trying to make him choose sides.

Can anyone weigh in?


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
ggrahamrob
Member
Member # 25555
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday)

My WS is a former PO. He lost his job about a month ago for having sexual relations with one of his confidential informants. This was his second A, the first being with a co-worker PO. I remember when we were first married, one of his PO buddies was joking about sex, and he made the comment that my husband "was a cop, he'll have an affair." I thought, "surely not." Must be true. I reallly think it comes down to ego so much. My husband admits to starting the sexual relationships with these women. He was in a position of power with both of these women. On the first affair, he was her supervisor, on the second he was obviously the controlling factor if she went to jail or not. Pretty fucked up, huh.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Independence, Kansas
ggrahamrob
Member
Member # 25555
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday)

To Sad in AZ,
On the day my husband admitted his second affair about three weeks ago, he also admitted that he had planned to kill himself the previous week. He had started selling and giving away all of his guns and other important items, and had planned to shoot himself one Wednesday afternoon. Luckily he was able to hook up with a friend who was very helpful. The feelings of shame in these guys is so intense. Over the last four months, he had lost about 20 pounds, and he was quite depressed. He had been over worked for about two years and had become very depressed, which I believe led into the A. These guys really need psychological help. You may have to go to his supervisor to get that done. Unfortunately for my husband, he was forced to resign, and now he will have to face getting help on his own. These guys have such a difficult time admitting weakness that they are almost willing to die before they will ask for help. Someone in authority over him will probably have to make him, which would be a good excuse for him to do it; "the boss made me get help" kind of thing.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Independence, Kansas
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday)

ggrahamrob: I'm sorry to hear about your troubles; I hope your WH can get help. I'm not sure that going to the supervisor will help; the prison is a cesspool of infidelity and other bad behaviors. I believe his current fling is his (now former) supervisor ; he had been driving her to work almost every day. We had many 'discussions' over the fact that this was inappropriate; she was sending him pornographic texts under the guise of 'jokes'.

I've been trying to get him into counseling, but he is really afraid of what he'll hear; he's been a mess for a long time. Also, he has no confidence in mental health providers because he works with them (he works in the prison hospital unit) and they are a bigger mess than their patients.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, September 27th (Sunday)

My husband is in a job very similar to prison guard, and his odd shifts did give him the cover to have multiple(supposedly only) ea's. He had an overnight shift, a long commute, he 'took naps' on the way home.

There was discussion a page or two back about changing jobs. I found out about all the ea's in one fell swoop-- and they were going on at two different places he worked, and with one woman who had moved to a different job. I never asked him to change jobs because I realized by then he'll do as he pleases, regardless of where he is. It's not about the ow, it's about his personal lack of integrity and poor boundaries, and willingness to lie to me if it feels good to have these secrets and women on the side.

Somebody else mentioned always coming in last. Same thing here. Part of the reason he got away with it for so long was that he was always so tired (poor guy, now I know why), always coming from or going to a shift, and trying so hard to be a good father. So I waited and waited and waited, till there was a 'good time' to talk. I'm now a little more cynical and believe he was making sure there was never a good time. And it's still happening. I've finally realized neither I nor this marriage is a priority.

We've been through MC-- 2 mc's. And I learned from that, that mc is only as good as the WS wants it to be. In our case, he was not ready to be honest, he continued to lie to the counselors and to me, and mc turned out to be even worse than doing nothing. He even managed to convince one of the mcs that I was the problem.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, October 7th (Wednesday)

Lovin Life-

I read that book when H started the SD, very great book!


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
karmasnmf
Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, October 8th (Thursday)

lovin life and mommy0508,

Do you think that book applies to other CO's or just PO's?


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 8th (Thursday)

Wow! I have been on this site almost daily for almost two years and just now saw this ICR Topic- thanks mods!

FWH is a PO. When he was a rookie at his first PD he was very much himself, but moved to a bigger department with better money and everything changed. There was a different attitude at the new dept which almost condoned drinking, sleeping around, etc... FWH got caught up with it. Even though we were each other's first, he had a ONS (badge bunny/abused MOW- can you say KISA?) while out of town on training. I sat at home with a toddler trying to be the "perfect" understanding LEO wife, SAHM, and sex kitten.

More recently I caught him pre-PA with a MOW secretary at the PD. Not a year later she was moved for having an A with another PO (guess she was a badge bunny too?)! FWH thought she "was just being nice".

I have never liked his job. I have always been a little jealous of his partners (male or female) for how much quality time they get to spend alone together. How often do we get to spend 8, 10 or 12 straight hours with our spouses talking about life and sharing in triumphs and tragedies?

I have also been a little sickened at times when some PO's seem to feed off the drama of their job like the stress of the job is the reason they "act out". In my FWH's case he has never had anyone to hold him accountable for his actions.

We are in R. FWH has had to really work at not falling for KISA moments and not looking for affirmation.

I'm just working on trying to find joy again.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
logan2512
New Member
Member # 25853
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 20th (Tuesday)

I am a PO and a WW. I have to admit, I've been in this line of work for 15 years and it was never an issue for my fidelity. My BH and I had been together for 4 yrs. I went through a period of depression. I needed meds. The only part of this job that may have contributed to the A was that it's hard to admit a mental health issue. I ended up having an EA with my high school BF (20 yrs ago was HS) I finally got the help I needed and the meds. It's too late for My BS and I though. I should add the A was for around 6 months and was physical 3 times. My BS knows all.

I guess I'm posting here because I need a release for my sadness. What I did crushes me. Although it can't compare what I did to him. I always felt I was different from all of the infidelity that goes with this line of work. I still don't believe it happened because of what I do. Ido think though that if I didn't do this job I could have admitted that I had a REAL problem and when he suggested seeing someone (Dr.) I wouldn't have dug in my heels, crossed my arms and said NO WAY, NOT ME


Posts: 5 | Registered: Oct 2009
nooneeverthought
Member
Member # 20157
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, October 20th (Tuesday)

Logan, I think it is great that you are venturing over here and giving us the POV from the WW side.

I still don't believe it happened because of what I do. Ido think though that if I didn't do this job I could have admitted that I had a REAL problem and when he suggested seeing someone (Dr.) I wouldn't have dug in my heels, crossed my arms and said NO WAY, NOT ME

In this one sentence you had it both ways. You may not have had the A because of your job title, but, your environment stunted your ability to seek help. I think that is what most of us struggle with. My H didn't have an affair because of what his job is but the environment gave it breeding ground.


it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you

Posts: 8493 | Registered: Jul 2008
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, October 20th (Tuesday)

I am still haunted by a situation that came to light recently. FWH's EA/OW from a year ago works in his dept. She was recently caught by her BH in a PA with one of my FWH's supervisors. In other words, she went from my H to someone else's within a few months. I never told her BH the first time because I was told he knew. I believed it because I must be the most gullible person ever! So, I asked if the new BW knows and I have been "told" that she does. I don't know her. I feel horrible if she doesn't know. Any advice?


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
leapyearbaby
Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, October 22nd (Thursday)

I don't think I would trust that she does. If you can reach her, even by mail, I would let her know. If she already knows, then nothing you do will make a difference....but if she doesn't know....it will make a BIG difference.


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
mommy0508
Member
Member # 24720
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, October 29th (Thursday)

I am pissed off today. Nothing happened and I am not bagggin on PO, they are great people that do things most people can't.

But goddamn it that F-ing department my H works in pisses me off! I know there are good PO up there and good people in general. But how do I not be mad at each and every one of them. Why are there no repurcussions to PO who have A with another PO. I feel like all the women are easy and all the men are horny (know that is not true, but that is how I feel). I get anxiety when I see a sheriff's vehicle or someone dressed in uniform at sheriffs department.

How do I get past this and to the point where I am able to meet his friends at the sheriff's department without wanting to kick them in the balls and then throw up?


Wipe your mouth there is still a little bit of bullshit around your lips!
D-Day #1: 5/29/09
D-Day # 2: 7/1/08
D-Day #3: 6/17/10 possible oc on way and
my own little miracle on the way-miscarried!

Posts: 733 | Registered: Jul 2009
unfound
Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, October 30th (Friday)

I hope I'm not stepping on any toes here. H is a ff, not law enforcement, but this seems like the only other place to put this venty thing.... apologies if I"m intruding. (no red vs blue issues)

vent:

the whole "oh sexxy firemenz" is funny in f&g and I get it and laugh along with it, but there are some real concerns and hurtful things that happen as well (not here, but in life/on the job).

when my H is doing his JOB, even while pulling an injured person from a car wreck or dragging hose to a burning building, he really doesn't need to hear "ooooo, firemen "

while he can ignore you, he can't walk away.

ever think that he's married??? yeah, he's sexy, but he's married. would you say these things openly to a tax preparer???

when a child waves at the trucks, it's cute. when googly eyed women do it, it's ... slimy...

want to show your appreciation? just say "thanks for what you do", not "ohhh, you could give me mouth to mouth anytime..." first off, that's so cliche and old... like he's NEVER heard THAT one before.. and secondly, seriously ? cause when he's thinking mouth to mouth he's picturing a near dead person who probably has vomited in their own mouths.. . sexy, oh so sexy...

want a fireman? think you have the brass balls to put up with someone JUST LIKE YOU???

think you can handle being alone for 24 hours at a time 3-4 days a week?

think you have enough to worry about with them possibly getting hurt or dieing in a fire with out the added idiocy of people like YOU coming onto them all the fucking time??

think you can live with not only him, but his work and his crew? cause they don't get left behind when he leaves the station... it's ALWAYS there.

think you can handle him leaving you and your children for weeks or longer at a time when there is a natural disaster? cause that's what they do. you have to hold down the fort. you have to share them wtih others...others in need.

think you can deal with the fact that they often hold the bad stuff in? that it's not all "hero" stuff. and that bad stuff doesn't just manifest itself in bad dreams...it can fuck you up too.

think they hear you "cat calling" and oogling and are going to be blown over and fall in love with you?? no. it's embarrassing to them and makes you look like a floozy. when you're not around they laugh at you and talk about you, and not in a good light.

how it impresses them when you fawn over them while they're boot blocking in front of the walmart, where they can't walk away, where, because they work for the public they can't say "fuck off" or roll their eyes because of your blatant and uncomfortable comments.

you can generalize all you want that all ff are "sexy" (which is NOT true, both physically and emotionally) and that they all love attention and cat calls and are whores... but think about it, some of them are actually nice guys who while appreciate the "thank you's", can see right through the " ohhh, sexy firemen" blather.

and I"m not naive, I know there are ff out there that suck this stuff up (I married a former attention/validating seeking one)...but unfortunately they don't have big red signs attached to their backs. I'll be bringing this suggestion up at the next city meeting though...sarcasm...

whew. I needed that. thanks for letting me "borrow" your forum


ka-mai
*******************
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone ...

Posts: 14749 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
tearsofjade
Member
Member # 25778
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, October 31st (Saturday)

(((mommy))) and (((unfound))))

mommy my WH is also SD I know exactly how you feel. I am to the point I hate the fact WH is LEO because it seems WH has a hard time excepting there are consequences for his bad behavior. He dosn't get speeding tickets, blatantly drives fast, if he DUI probably get out of that one too..and a lot of other things. Also lie as part of the job, so it becomes second nature, and is encouraged to get results in investigations and can be used on the victim as well as the suspect. WH has been LEO for over 20 years, I knew him as a teenager thats the guy I fell in love with, did the job make the man? I don't know for sure.

Unfound I am sure you are welcome here I really empathize with you. There is that hero worship or rescuer fantasy that sooo many women have, they are screwed up and see a FF or LEO as the knight in shining armor to rescue them.

I am sure thats what WH's OW thought, she is a waitress in her 20's. He went in there while on duty for dinner and the rest is history as they say. She saw a hero he saw a hero worshipper and wham all intelligence seems to leave the brain.

[This message edited by tearsofjade at 6:53 AM, October 31st (Saturday)]


FBW(me)48
Divorced and really happy!
The best revenge is a life lived well!

Posts: 653 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: michigan
Troi
Member
Member # 24513
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 31st (Saturday)

Wow! I just found this thread. I saw someone talk about LEO schedules and yes it has affected how we are able to talk and work on things.


me BS-39
him WS-42
2004-2009 our relationship was a lie
D-Day 2/25/2009
R..is going great!

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve." Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu.


Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: St. Louis, MO
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, November 2nd (Monday)

tearsofjade- I have never considered that LEO's do live in a world with no consequences! This explains a lot, including my FWH's ONS!


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
KLinNoCA
Member
Member # 22195
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, November 2nd (Monday)

Unfound--

thanks for posting--we needed to hear this from a FF point of view as well as LEO---


BS (me):45
STBXH:53
M 13 years, together 15yrs
4 kids (2 mine, 2 ours)
1st D-day:July 17, 2008
2nd D-Day: Nov. 20, 2008
MOW, as well as a former BFF OW--I was in an "open marriage", I just never got the memo.
Divorcing his ass

Posts: 1191 | Registered: Dec 2008
where am i
Member
Member # 26064
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday)

STBX is a police officer and a corrections officer. i was doomed from the beginning.

when i tried to explain to my lawyer (we are separating) the MAJOR role i played in his career - he left for training when my kids were 1 and 3, i worked full time, took care of the fixer upper house, and raised 2 GREAT kids for the three and a half years he was based elsewhere - the lawyer said "that is not considered a career, they mean like a doctor or something"

i said "wtf, I hope your wife cheats on you so she can say how she supported your almighty "career" asshole.

spouses of LEO and FF have a hefty price to pay. i remember talking just weeks before i found out about his A, about how we were so lucky not to be included in that high percentage of divorce rate among LEO and FFs.

what an ass i am.

it's unbelievable. and let us not forget the freakin' nurses who work in the jails.

let me out of here.

[This message edited by where am i at 1:01 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]


i know there's a balance, i see it when i swing past.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: WESTERN NEW YORK
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, November 4th (Wednesday)

Troi: If you're still around, have you been able to overcome the issue of there not being any good time to talk? We had what was probably our last big blow up on Monday night when I confronted him about not responding to my letter pleading for him to honor our marriage. We are now going to D; it was the final straw. WH is distraught and blames his responses on being so tired after work (he works the swing shift and gets home at 10:30pm. But there is NEVER a good time to talk. It's so frustrating.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
tearsofjade
Member
Member # 25778
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, November 6th (Friday)

Sad, we have the problem with time for talking big time. If he isn't working his regular shift 3-11pm, then he has court in the morning, he works OT as much as possible because he is in his final 3 years before retirement and these 3 years income are averaged to determine his retirement income. My work schedule is part time most of the year I either work 6am to about noon or 10am to 4 or so. I have to get up at 4am on the days I start at 6, so WH and I go days without even seeing each other.

He doesn't like having "those" conversations while at work, but he's always at work! He is in a patrol car so he does have privacy, but may have to get off the phone fast and I know its not the best time to have these talks, but especially close to DDay I was a mess needed to talk he was not available.

We are going to counseling today together FINALLY, its been hard to schedule because of his work. Finding time to talk will be on the list of things to deal with so I will share any new insights I may get with you.


FBW(me)48
Divorced and really happy!
The best revenge is a life lived well!

Posts: 653 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: michigan
tearsofjade
Member
Member # 25778
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, November 14th (Saturday)

Something that our MC said to do was put some nice music on, she suggested Etta James, At Last, maybe something that means something to you. While having talks-dance. We are going to try this, just haven't had a chance yet, the time issue is a bad one for us.

I just found out WH is going undercover again. Last time his hours were all over the place. At first I was very unhappy about this, but I think it can work better, he won't be wearing his uniform any more so that part of the attention getting will be lessened. He is going to have to be totally transparent about logging his hours so I can see. He carried on with the skank and I thought he was working late!


FBW(me)48
Divorced and really happy!
The best revenge is a life lived well!

Posts: 653 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: michigan
Dealan-de
Member
Member # 13166
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Can I ask a kinda OT question?

Does anyone elses spouse work in an agency that is shady at best and downright crooked at worst?

Every her the adage "power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutly?"

That's the PD he works for.

Since he's been honest and trying to be a Godly man, this is driving him completely nuts (and me through him). He's in the process of looking for another agency...but in the meantime...what can he do?

It's so bad that he and another officer went to the DA about a specific incident and since the department swept it under the rug, the DA is investigating.

UG! The stress! I thought we were past this kind of stress!

Sorry. I had to vent.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

RECOVERED


Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Texas
Dealan-de
Member
Member # 13166
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)

Okay.

Little bit more vent...

IT'S NO EFFING WONDER THESE GUYS AND GIRLS THINK THEY CAN CHEAT WHEN THE PEOPLE THEY REPORT TO ARE CROOKS!!!!!

I hate dishonesty!

Okay.

I MIGHT be done now.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

RECOVERED


Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Texas
tearsofjade
Member
Member # 25778
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Dealan-de, I have no advice for you on that one. I can only imagine the horrible situation that would be for you both.


FBW(me)48
Divorced and really happy!
The best revenge is a life lived well!

Posts: 653 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: michigan
Troi
Member
Member # 24513
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

I haven't popped in here for a while..

(((Sad in AZ))), sorry to hear about you... I think FWSO line of work is contributing to our diffculties to be honest.

..what we have finally done is sit down and schedule "relationship meetings" in advance. We pulled out his schedule and my schedule and picked one time a week to set aside and talk about us. He doesn't like to talk about stuff while he is at work because then he is not in a safe mindset..he says.

I have the additional "problem" though that I think he is ADD. So wehen he has time off..he can't get things done like work through our relationship program in the time he has available since he won't do it other times.

Also, I get frustrated because life isn't convenient...one shouldn't have to schedule times because a person can't deal with things when they come up...life happens without plans.


me BS-39
him WS-42
2004-2009 our relationship was a lie
D-Day 2/25/2009
R..is going great!

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve." Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu.


Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: St. Louis, MO
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Thanks, Troi. I've come to realize that our problems don't stem from his not having the time or energy to talk; the whole mess is because he's still deep in the fog. He would never schedule any time for talk because he reallly did not want to talk; just sweep it under the rug and hope that it would go away.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Eight13
Member
Member # 20958
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Troi and Sad,

If I might be so bold, I think both your WS's aren't being honest with you two. It seems to me both WH's are using their LEO careers / schedules to cover their lies and manipulations. It's the oldest trick in a cop's book: "working overtime!" or "stopped to have a few beers with the guys" or "got hung up on a late call" or "There's no way I could be having an affair, what with my schedule!" or "Ask my partners, they'll tell ya there's no one else"....

Don't let your WH's off the hook. LEO or not, use the BS wisdom of all the SI'ers before us. Their advice pertains to everyone: cops, pastors, the unemployed, addicts, everyone.

The main difference I see with being a LEO, or being involved with a LEO, is LEO's get paid to put on a game face. To manipulate situations so we don't lose control. There are times our lives depend on it. We're good at buying time, deflecting blows (physical or verbal), misleading others (even if only temporarily), earning trust, getting what we want in a timeframe that best suits us. It's what we get paid to do. And we can be very good at it. It isn't a sickness or mental illness, it's simply skills we develop and fine-tune every day.

It's learning to shut those skills down at home that is the tricky part.

Best of luck to both of you.


Me: BW
Him: WH
M 9 years
Dday September 2008
Status: D 12/09/09. Fifteen months and three days since Dday. Not a moment too soon.

May 2011: Happier than I've been. To all hurting BS's, time often truly does heal. I didn't always be


Posts: 442 | Registered: Sep 2008
Jade1964dream
Member
Member # 21362
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

Sorry, I have to laugh, but I can and cannot believe this thread is 5 pages long, thus far!

Raising my hand, 1st XH, PO, did the deed while on the job, even got the youngin pregnant. Yes, say hero worship!

2nd XH, CAHP (thought they were raised differently during their training, HAH!). Was having EA on the job, so no 'away from home' time required.

You'd think some sort of law should be around because most of them do it while on the job; whereas, if proven they do it while on the job, there is no ifs ands or buts, they're fired. If they were to physically abuse someone, say a spouse, a criminal, they're scrutinized, suspended, even fired; why not when fooling around while on the job? We're paying their f'ing salaries!! We're not paying for them to cheat, so why should we have to tolerate it?

Instead, time after time, you see how they cover up for each other; really is a sad mentality. They have a job to do, to serve and protect the public; just as we all do our jobs. I understand the stress they're under, but it's their chosen profession, we all have stress in our jobs - they might get physically hurt in their jobs, others get hurt with mental stress and end up with heart attacks, etc. No, of course, not in the numbers LEOs and FFs get hurt, but again, we choose our professions. Low pay? Really? Maybe in some departments, but LEOs and FFs are well paid, well benefitted, with excellent retirement plans.

Unfound, yes, they may laugh at the Ho's, but some/most of them will still do it with badge bunnies, while laughing.

I met a guy recently, Sheriff, NO THANK YOU! I realize not every LEO is that way, but since 2 of them are now XHs, not for me!

Oh, I want to add, when I met XH #1, he was not a PO - we were married for two years before he became one. When I met XH #2, he was not in uniform, then I got queasy when I found out, didn't want to get involved; his sweet talk/promises worked. I guess what I'm saying is, the job may contribute since women do throw panties at them, but I definitely believe there is a character flaw within some/most of them. I said some/most, not all of them.

[This message edited by Jade1964dream at 7:22 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]


Jadie

Posts: 588 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Paradise
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

I too am married to a police officer and always thought my husband was different from the other guys. This kind of job definitely lends itself to infidelity. Besides the ot excuses & the ability to take lost time that make it easy to disappear at will- I feel that the force almost goes out of its way to exclude family from police functions. (At least that's the way it is in my husband's pct.)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Eight13
Member
Member # 20958
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

I wanted to offer insight into the inner-struggles of being a LEO. But I think I came off too strong, so let me add this:

LEO's can be some of the most dedicated people you'll ever meet. LEO's fiercely protect what they value. LEO's typically have passion and they can be risk-takers - they sometimes push the envelope.

But if the LEO is on your side, they can be the greatest friend, lover, partner you could ever dream of. For every cheating LEO I know, I probably know five (or more) who'd die before they'd let their spouse down.

I think it takes a special person to understand a LEO. And then love them anyway.

Don't let a WS-LEO off the hook because of what they do or the schedule they keep.

But remember they're human too. Imperfect. Fallible.


Me: BW
Him: WH
M 9 years
Dday September 2008
Status: D 12/09/09. Fifteen months and three days since Dday. Not a moment too soon.

May 2011: Happier than I've been. To all hurting BS's, time often truly does heal. I didn't always be


Posts: 442 | Registered: Sep 2008
Troi
Member
Member # 24513
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)

If I might be so bold, I think both your WS's aren't being honest with you two. It seems to me both WH's are using their LEO careers / schedules to cover their lies and manipulations.

Eight13..yes, he did use his schedule as a means for his A last year. In fact he told me once he might have to go into work...but when the day came he couldn't go through with the lie so he could be gone the whole evening (he met the OW#2 for his planned sexcapade for oct 14 at the red roof inn and cut it short to be home by the time I got home) ..he was distraught when I got home and I knew something was up. now he gives me copies of his schedule, which he wasn't before..

his problem is for sure time management..that isn't new though :)

(edited to expain the RRI story a little better)

[This message edited by Troi at 11:31 AM, November 19th (Thursday)]


me BS-39
him WS-42
2004-2009 our relationship was a lie
D-Day 2/25/2009
R..is going great!

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve." Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu.


Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: St. Louis, MO
Dealan-de
Member
Member # 13166
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, November 19th (Thursday)

Dealan-de, I have no advice for you on that one. I can only imagine the horrible situation that would be for you both.

Thanks TOJ. Apparently the Rangers were at the PS yesterday investigating what was turned into the DA. Oi!

I really hope they come down on these guys.

the oldest trick in a cop's book: "working overtime!" or "stopped to have a few beers with the guys" or "got hung up on a late call"

Let's not forget part times. That's how the Wookie kept it going - she'd ride the bus (she has no license or car) to the place, then when it closed he'd give her a "ride" home. Blech. He still works one of them and EVERY stinking time he goes to that particular one I trigger so bad.

Jade1964 - at least a Sherriff is an ELECTED position. I know they can be shady, but they usually don't want to mess up any good standing with the voting public.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

RECOVERED


Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Texas
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, November 19th (Thursday)

Eight13: It really wasn't his work schedule that got in the way of our communication; it was the 'down' time--he works the swing shift, gets home at 10:30pm. I've already been up since 4am (workout) and could honestly go to sleep at 9pm, but I would wait up for him, give him his dinner, watch a little TV and then turn in at 11:30 or midnight. Then I'm up again at 4am (I don't need a lot of sleep.)

He never wanted to talk when he got home--had to 'unwind'. In the mornings, we both work out--me at the gym, him on his bicycle. We never see each other. Therefore, only weekends were left, and he didn't want any arguments to upset his weekends, so, no discussions. Yes, it was manipulation. It even got worse--he got in trouble at work(very bad trouble) the day after d-day, so we didn't discuss the infidelity for almost a year. By the time things finally straighted out, he thought everything was fine--even though he was still firmly in the throes of the EA. He still is; that's why we are divorcing.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Eight13
Member
Member # 20958
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, November 20th (Friday)

Sad, I think I see that you understand none of this was your fault. The fact your cop got jammed up at work tells me he was making a lot of bad decisions at that time in his life. Not just in his marriage. Very typical, actually. My WH-cop got kicked off an elite assignment a few months after he left me. I don't know the reason(s) why, but it didn't surprise me one bit. Compartmentalization is an imperfect science.

On an aside, I've been to a few classes about cop relationships, and a common problem that's frequently discussed is many officers use up so many of their resources at work (mental, emotional, physical), that they become lazy at home. Cops can be some of the biggest conflict-avoiders at home. When we (cops) get home, we feel we're done making decisions. We're done problem-solving. We're done talking. We're done interacting. We plop on the couch, pick up the remote and mumble as few words as possible until we can crawl into bed. So unhealthy! Not all cops suffer from this, but the classes I've attended, I've seen many attendees' heads shaking up-and-down (yes! yes!) to know it's true for many. A cop who is unable or unwilling to self-reflect can fall into this unhealthy pattern very quickly.

I think the worst thing about being a cop (besides the politics of the department) is how much it sucks the life out of you, and your family usually suffers because of it. For some it can be a daily struggle to make that extra effort at home, to nurture and protect your most precious committments (family).

Many are able to do it though. A lot take the easy way out and don't.


Me: BW
Him: WH
M 9 years
Dday September 2008
Status: D 12/09/09. Fifteen months and three days since Dday. Not a moment too soon.

May 2011: Happier than I've been. To all hurting BS's, time often truly does heal. I didn't always be


Posts: 442 | Registered: Sep 2008
Dealan-de
Member
Member # 13166
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, November 20th (Friday)

Eight13 - that was my husband's number at a previous position!

On an aside, I've been to a few classes about cop relationships, and a common problem that's frequently discussed is many officers use up so many of their resources at work (mental, emotional, physical), that they become lazy at home. Cops can be some of the biggest conflict-avoiders at home. When we (cops) get home, we feel we're done making decisions. We're done problem-solving. We're done talking. We're done interacting. We plop on the couch, pick up the remote and mumble as few words as possible until we can crawl into bed. So unhealthy! Not all cops suffer from this, but the classes I've attended, I've seen many attendees' heads shaking up-and-down (yes! yes!) to know it's true for many. A cop who is unable or unwilling to self-reflect can fall into this unhealthy pattern very quickly.

I am SO lucky. The only time my husband was like this was during the adultry.

Thank you for reminding me of a blessing to count today!


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

RECOVERED


Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Texas
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, December 11th (Friday)

Anyone ever struggle with the fact that as a BS we have put up with the stress of being a LEO spouse only to feel "dumped on" by the fact that they cheated on you. After all we have given up? I think about the holidays in particular. How many Christmases alone and I wasn't worth saying "no" to OW??? Just venting I guess.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
hopefulwife
Member
Member # 20942
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, December 11th (Friday)

Just letting you know you're not alone. I feel the same way. I can't remember the last time I got a kiss on New Year's Eve.

I also get tired of having to walk on eggshells. Don't want to upset the poor LEO. He's stressed to the max at his job, so the homelife has to be peaceful.

I'm really wanting to blow up, but I know all that will do is bring more pain for me. This is the only place I can vent. So vent on and let it all out. We're listening.


BW - me 42
FWH - 48
DDay 4/17/08 True R 6/11/08
No children together except our Bull Mastiff Maximus...my baby.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: California
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, December 12th (Saturday)

I remember one year at Christmas my SIL talking about her H working 10 hours a day and how hard it was. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there ALONE AGAIN on Christmas Eve. He has a better schedule now, years later, but I feel like I endured years of heartache just to receive more??? It's not fair!


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
thehopefulone
New Member
Member # 26985
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, December 30th (Wednesday)

WS is a PO. He cheated on me with a dispatcher. He also attacked me Monday night in order to get his phone becuase I was reading his text messages to her on his new and secret I-phone. But the cops that showed up didn't take me seriously at all. I had no marks on me, and when WS came back, he had a fat lip that he claims I gave him. It's all so very ugly between us. All I wanted was the truth, which he NEVER gives me. This is not the man I married.

Any tips on what to do when the discovery of the truth leads to violence? He's told me that he knows what to do and say so they'll never believe me.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2009
Jade1964dream
Member
Member # 21362
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, December 30th (Wednesday)

tape record him


Jadie

Posts: 588 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Paradise
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, December 30th (Wednesday)

thehopefulone-
This is a tough one. FWH has been abusive to me only a few times in our past (long story) but what stopped me was the fact that I knew, unlike a regular citizen, that he would lose his job. Also, no one would have ever believed it because I am so outwardly tough and he is such a "nice guy".

I never would have thought of myself as an abused spouse and he always had a way of blaming me. Part of his remorse and our R, was to make him admit that what he did was "abuse". Then, with the help of our MC, we have worked on his anger issues.

It has been a long road, but with God's help I have not seen any abusive nature in over a year and only glimpses of his temper.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Sad  Posted: 12:18 AM, December 31st (Thursday)

Hi all ...

My WH is a Colorado Correctional Officer ... he also just graduated post academy a couple weeks ago ...

WH has been having a 2+ year A with his former best friends WW ... they had been best friends since 7th grade ...

Story is more detailed on my profile ...

They all 3 work for CDOC ... OW works in max security housing unit, my WH works for the same facility in security ...

they work the same shift ... A started cause they carpooled together and would seek advice from eachother about about their awful marriages ...

OW's H works for CTU(CDOC transport) ...

I reported A to headquarters ... the Major of the facility talked to WW & OW ...

I was told it is not against the law and as long as it does not affect their job there is nothing the facility can do ... I do think formal letters went in their files ... big whoop ...

I also WH instructor for the post academy ... she told me the same thing ... as long as he can complete school and this does not adversely affect his ability to perform job nothing can be done ... big whoop again ...

WH not sure what he wants to do with his degree ... street cop, PO ect ...

No I didn't really want to take away his job ... but he has walked away from me(choose the OW) and is just riding off into the sunset no worse for the wear ...

shows no remorse or anything ... he is happy cause they are in love ...

WH is great at his job by the way ... goes above and beyond the call of duty all the time ... he really is a standout at it ... which makes me sick to ... he has everything now ...

got rid of his horrible wife and marriage ... has a new love and get's to move on in a great career ...

while me I have to start completely over ... like I was the one who destroyed 2 marriages/families ...

I moved out of Colorado and to Oklahoma, I am living with my dad, I will be starting school in Feb. for my LPN ...

I have no $$, no husband, no love, no career, nothing ...

Just so unfair ... and I don't know how much the stress of job contributed to the A ... they work in max security for the state so the inmates are locked down 23/7 ... I know doing forced cells and armed transports can be stressful ... but hew just never showed any of that ...

He was a master liar ... seriously could when an oscar for his performance ...
I was completely blindsided by this A ... I had felt something off for the last couple years and even confronted a few times on him being in an A ... but I never really thought it was true ... and he lied like a pro right up till the very end ...

how does a person sleep at night after you do something like that ?? How do you go and protect and do no harm in your job when all you did was harm the very people you are soposed to love the most ??

Like I said I understand the job is stressful and our marriage was not even close to perfect nor was I an adoring wife the last few years ... but even on my worst day as a wife I did not deserve this ...

I could go on and on but I will not kinda a soap box for me can you tell ...

My WH is a LEO ... he took a nap everyday after work ... then went to bed by 9pm every night ... granted he had to get up at 3:30am to get to work by 6:45am and have his A also

but I completely understand the LEO traits that may have "enhanced", i guess is word I looking for, the A ... however I saw a post also that said on the flip side LEO's can be everything we woman want and need them to be ...

So I feel I understand a little more about WH's personality, based on the LEO thing, but then I feel guility cause I was not the right woman to love him so he would not have an A ...

did that make sense ??? it did in my head ...

Also I am sooooo happy to have found this thread ... it is amazing to have other people who really understand ... I am soooo sorry we all find ourselves here tho ...

whether we are BS's or WS's ... it is a club no one wants to belong to the A club or the law enforcement A club ... sucks to be part of both ...

we have eachother tho ...

[This message edited by booger bear at 1:32 AM, December 31st (Thursday)]


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Sad  Posted: 11:48 PM, January 12th (Tuesday)

haven't been here in awhile ... so hey all sup ???

posted a couple replys in the LTA thread and the DB thread ...

just thought I would stop in to vent a little about how pissed I am that my stbxwh and OW just get to continue on with their jobs in the department od corrections for Colorado and get no repercussions for their ....

LOVE !!!!!!!!!

I outed them to headquarters they got a good firm talking to by the major of their facility and letters in their files ...

and that is it ...

me I fell I have been left homeless, loveless, and left to start completely over by myself ... while they skip off into the sunset ..

I guess i am really down because the whore is taking over my life and my dreams with my husband and I am left to start over and make new ones ...

everyone keeps saying that is a good thing but I just don't feel like it is ...

I want my old dreams back, I want my future back with my husband ... I want to rebuild our future blah blah blah ...

he just wants to keep working for the state and F-ing her... and yes I know they are planning a future he just won't say what it is ...

just feeling so down and so alone so rejected ... like I am worth nothing more than the morning curbside trash ...

hate my life .


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
shockedandstuned
Member
Member # 27153
Happy  Posted: 4:41 PM, January 13th (Wednesday)

I am a Police Officer and my wife is having the A. I found out on 23 Dec 09, and again on 1/7/10 she still denies anything physical. I prided myself for not chasing Badge Bunnies and a score of others. My loyalty was rewarded by the A. It is a battle and it is difficult to keep my mind on work, thankfully my brothers back me up on all calls until my head is in the game. To others here like me, good luck.


There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.

BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved


Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Happy  Posted: 4:16 AM, January 14th (Thursday)

goodnight all ... to hard for me to function in the human hours of the world so I am a vampire, least for about 3 more weeks, then I gotta be human again and go to school

Hope you all have a wonderful day, with no fog, no roller coaster, and WS's who get it

if not then may you have the best revenge ideas ever tomorrow and may they brighten your eyes like a child on x-mas morning ...

anyway have a nice and safe day ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 19th (Tuesday)

I have a tendency to look at evryone in FWH's department cynically. I have the desire to blame them for FWH's A. Can anyone relate? How do I ever get to the point of going to functions again, since he sure as heck won't be going alone!


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Frustrated  Posted: 9:04 PM, January 19th (Tuesday)

IDK ... I to tend to blame those around them in the job who were friends or close co-workers of the 2 of them ... with as prevalent as it is in the DOC and being they both work at the same facility same shift how could others not know or sense something ???

and not one of them had the decency to tell me ... that to me shows a lack of respect for their own M's ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
KLinNoCA
Member
Member # 22195
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, January 19th (Tuesday)

I am a Police Officer and my wife is having the A. I found out on 23 Dec 09, and again on 1/7/10 she still denies anything physical. I prided myself for not chasing Badge Bunnies and a score of others. My loyalty was rewarded by the A. It is a battle and it is difficult to keep my mind on work, thankfully my brothers back me up on all calls until my head is in the game. To others here like me, good luck.

My two brothers are LEO's and my step-dad was retired LEO--and, of course, my STBHX is an LEO. PLEASE keep safe out there--having to deal with the stress of your WW's actions and affair while you're on the job can make you less vigilant than you normally would be. Thank God for your brothers and sisters in blue to have your back!

Keep safe--


BS (me):45
STBXH:53
M 13 years, together 15yrs
4 kids (2 mine, 2 ours)
1st D-day:July 17, 2008
2nd D-Day: Nov. 20, 2008
MOW, as well as a former BFF OW--I was in an "open marriage", I just never got the memo.
Divorcing his ass

Posts: 1191 | Registered: Dec 2008
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
What?  Posted: 4:08 PM, January 21st (Thursday)

hey everyone ... hello newbies to this thread ... we have some really great members of this thread and they give amazing advice and support ...
been having a pretty good week since I last posted ... can't complain for once ...

Only thing that has come up is I got my w-2's yesterday and mailed them off to stbxwh today ... he is going to file taxes as married more $$$ ...

then after that he will be doing the D thing ... so I really don't have any emotion about that yet ... don't know if I am in shock, numb, or just don't care anymore ....

I have not broke the 180 again since the last time I think it was over a week ago that I did ...

so that is my update ... just waiting on the roller coaster to start again and praying that it does not ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 12:42 AM, January 24th (Sunday)

Hola everybody ...

wow the threads are quiet down here in I can Relate ...

Guess I am used to the always changing and emotional JFO & General ...

although I do have a blast in F&G ...

well this is probably one of the bitter sweet threads I post in ... all my respect for law enforcement in all areas ... fire men/women included ...

just so odd the vows they take to get married, the vows/pledges they take to be in this line of work ...

and then BAM !!!!

here we are ...

Guess why it bugs me so much to post here ... he still holds the vow/pledge he took to become a Correctional Officer so highly so proudly and has done so much to further his career for the better recently ...

yet he can toss his M away like yesterday's trash ... and still have no problem keeping the A going with the OW who by the way is also a CO and works in the same prison and on same shift ...

I know I am sure I have already mentioned that but

why is so much more important for him to be soooo good in his job and be beyond reproach(professionally that is not morally)

and not have been that way in his M ???

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

just my weird rambling of ponderings ...

hope you all have an amazing week and hope your weekend ends very well and restful ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Frustrated  Posted: 11:38 PM, February 7th (Sunday)

ok have not posted here in awhile ... which is good I guess ...

But tonight after the super bowl was over and I was watching Drew Brees with his son ... and he was crying and then he teared up again when he mentioned him in his speech ...

triggered me onto the roller coaster again ... just WHAM out of the blue and there I was falling into sadness ...

that is all I ever wanted in my life was what was shining in Brees's eyes holding his son ... guess I hopes for wanted to much in my life ....

now I feel like I have to settle for school ... which I am excited for and a little nervous now ... I start in a week ...

but I all ever wanted was to be a mommy and have a man who loved me and my children ... just the simple things ... and seeing him with his son hearing him talk about him with pride and love in his voice ...

just brought it all crashing down that that shall never be for me ...

and it hurts so badly ...

So last week on Thursday I believe stbx called me to talk about taxes and this was during the storm when we had no power for a week ... anyway he caught me off gaurd calling me and I wound up sobbing on the phone when we hung up ...

not what I wanted to do was to have him hear me like that anymore ... UGH !!!!

anyway he called me yesterday morning also to get my new address so he could ssend me my 1/2 and I did not cry that time ...

both conversations were very short and to the point no chit chat ... both calls were less than 10 minutes ... kept strictly to $$$ and dogs ... so that was good ...

anyway just an update on where I am at ...

hope you all are doing well and may you all find the peace and balance your lives deserve ....

have a great Monday !!!!

and YAY SAINTS !!!!!

just thought I would put all the faces at the end this time ... I don't know why ... to be different ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 9:57 PM, February 19th (Friday)

hey guess what it's me again ....

teehee teehee ...

well not much new to report ...

my school started on this last Tuesday and was just orenitation stuff real school starts this Monday ...

posted in O/T bout my new study nest and posted in D/S bout hiring a lawyer ...

very scary

anyway stbxwh has finished school to become a parole officer ... and he has applied to be in the pool and plans on waiting for an opening in our home town so he can stay with OW

she will continue to work at the prison unless stbxwh decides she don't have to and will support her and her 2 kids

anyway ... that is all for me ...

hugs to ya'll and hope only the best a greatest things for ya ... be careful out there I appreciate all you do ... those of you that work in the enforcement feild and those of you who support them ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
mplpmom
Member
Member # 27266
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, February 25th (Thursday)

survivinglies

I too also tend to think of everyone in my husband's PD circle as suspect. His affair was with another officer and other officers new about it. I feel like being a police officer taught him how to lie, deceive and position the truth to suit him. He became a different person when he joined 3 years ago.


Me - BW (36)
Him - WH (35)
M - 7 years, together 11
DD - 5, DS - 2
DDay - 12/26/09
R is an on again off again ride and I am starting to feel queasy.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2010
mplpmom
Member
Member # 27266
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, February 25th (Thursday)

From reading this thread, it doesn't seem like anything good came out of exposing the affair to their COs. My lawyer said affairs among officers is as common as dirt and doesn't have much stigma. Anyone have a different experience.

[This message edited by mplpmom at 9:09 PM, April 1st (Thursday)]


Me - BW (36)
Him - WH (35)
M - 7 years, together 11
DD - 5, DS - 2
DDay - 12/26/09
R is an on again off again ride and I am starting to feel queasy.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2010
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, February 25th (Thursday)

mplpmom: What do you hope to accomplish by outing your WH to his supervisors? Did he have to sign some kind of morality oath? If so, your outing him would probably cause him to lose his job, and where would that put your family?

I don't think it's fair to blame his A on the job; yes, I'm sure he's a different person since he joined the force; I'm sure you are a different wife now that you are the wife of a PO (it's a 'job' that many women cannot handle); but I know plenty of LEOs who remained faithful to their spouses. Infidelity is rife in the world, not just with LEOs.

My stbx was both a PO and a CO; the prison where he now works is a sewer of infidelity but he didn't have to fall into the pit with the rest of them; the job did not cause him to cheat; he chose to do that. He always disparaged the cheaters that he worked with; now he's one of them; it's a flaw in his character, not a consequence of the job.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
rottenkitty
Member
Member # 18247
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, February 25th (Thursday)

I wanted to read all the responses on this thread before posting my own. But as I was reading, I had so many thoughts going through my mind. I have worked both in the correctional setting and the "street" setting.

The thing to understand is that people who work in law enforcement (and similar professions) do have stressful jobs; and as others have mentioned, there are confidentiality issues. Although the duties may be different between corrections and police, there are similarities.

Many times, you have a partner or a team with whom you work closely. The group is usually a very tight-knit group. They have to be; these are the very people they count on. Your partner is the one you count on to save your life, if it comes to that. You have to build trust with your partner, and there are many ways to accomplish that. Joking around, practical jokes, stories about past incidents... it creates a very unique bond.

The environment is totally different in these fields. You are expected to put on a strong face for the public. Given the fact that many officers work 12-hour shifts, there sometimes is a need for a release before that time is up. Who do they turn to? Their partners, the people they trust. A lot of times we sit around and make off-colored jokes about situations, things that would not be accepted by the general population. It is one way to deal with the harshness of the job, to make it less serious. It's not that officers are totally insensitive, it's just one of the few ways they know how to deal with the stress. Your average officer will NOT pursue counseling. Most will deny their problems, say they are dealing just fine.

Sometimes when officers are involved in critical incidents, they do not get the help they need and things can spiral out of control. I think this is one opportunity a spouse can take to get the ball rolling on IC for an officer. Encourage them to go to the Critical Incident Stress Debriefing. Talk to them and encourage them at this time to get more help. The longer they wait, unfortunately, the less likely I think they will be to get that help.

Do not count on their superiors or their co-workers to hold them to any standard of responsibility to their families. It won't happen. Some of the higher-up people are on more of a power trip, KISA situation than the officers themselves. They are in a position of power, and some do abuse it.

If I can give any piece of advice to a spouse of an officer it would be this: BE PRESENT. Take some time to visit the station on a regular basis. Most law enforcement centers are very family-friendly, from what I've seen. You would be surprised how happy they are to see a different face once in a while. It also puts a face to the name for everyone your spouse works with. They will most likely bend over backwards to accept you and welcome you. I don't know how all jurisdictions work, but ours welcomes spouses to do ride-alongs with their officers now and again. They also let the dispatchers and jailers, etc., do the same. It's not like you have to do this every night....but a couple of times a year, go hang out with your officer and be seen. If you can't do this, then have lunch with them, or take them lunch if they are in corrections. Meet your officer for coffee, if they do this nightly. They are trying to get officers away from doing that, but some places still do. It could be said that this advice could go for any occupation, and that is true.

It is incredibly hard to maintain outside relationships once you are in law enforcement. Not many of your non-law enforcement friends want to spend the night hanging out on a Tuesday or Wednesday (the only nights you might have off). You miss weekend get-togethers, birthdays, Christmases, you name it. It's a different atmosphere. We generally turn to the people who understand. They are generally the people we work with.

When you work with the general public all day, day after day, it gets harder and harder to deal with your own problems. You don't want to go home and deal with more crap. Some officers do look for an escape from that. My solution was more one of isolating myself from others. I enjoy the quiet of my home, and don't really feel like going out and socializing all the time. I'm sure there is a happy medium, it's just hard to find it when you are stuffing your emotions.

As you can see, I don't really have the answers here. I just thought I would offer some insight and maybe help someone understand the environment you are dealing with a little better.

I agree with the poster who mentioned the book, "I Love a Cop." Read it.



Posts: 251 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, February 25th (Thursday)

Stbxwh & I had a great relationship when he was a PO (NYPD); I helped him make it through the academy (academically); he is very insecure about his intelligence, but he's very street-smart. He told me almost everything about his police work (I understand that some things were held back, but I heard a lot!) I dealt with the long hours (he had an hour commute on each end of his shift and always lefts 2-3 hours early). We had our son while he was in the academy, so I was also dealing with a new baby and a full time professional job. I loved that he was a PO; it was his dream job. It all got taken away when he was seriously injured and subsequently suffered from seizures. I can pinpoint that as the beginning of the end. It took many years before the As started, but he became broken at that point.

He joined the corrections 10 years ago--12 years after he had to retire from the PD. The prison he now works in is a cesspool of infidelity and corruption but he jumped into his As with both eyes open--no one made him do it.

rottenkitty--I cannot visit him at work; it is not allowed, and he is not allowed a meal break. They have to eat on duty when the opportunity presents itself, which does not alway happen. He rarely socialized with his coworkers--he claimed that he had no respect for most of them. His downfall was his need for stroking, which he received from the nurses--he works in the prison hospital. He is a KISA. He has subsequently become involved with his supervisor (now former supervisor; she has changed shifts.)

He is broken, and it's not because of the jobs.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
SmilesForTheKids
New Member
Member # 27776
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, February 28th (Sunday)

Wow! I can't believe there is a whole topic dedicated to this. I am so glad because because of my WHs job, I feel like my situation is different from other BWs. My Lt H had an affair with a DA. It's hell. I'm so happy to find others who, unfortunately, "get it."

He swears his OW was transferred and I have no way of verifying this, other than asking her myself (which I WILL NOT do.) It causes me lots of sleepless nights, but since he is SO transparent about EVERYTHING, I have to believe him, but it's so hard.


Me ~ BW 36
Him ~ WH 37
Married 8.5 years
Reconciling


I'd love to walk away
And pull myself out of the rain
But I cant leave without you
I'd love to live without
The constant fear and endless doubt
But I can't live without you


Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2010
mplpmom
Member
Member # 27266
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, March 1st (Monday)

Sad - we had nine years together before he joined pd. Pd changed him - and it is not only me who sees that, his family, my family all feel the job has deeply affected him for the worst. I think the PD teaches them to be good liars and manipulators - it is a requirement of the job. Problem is that some men can't leave those skills when they come home. It also teaches them that they are above the law - can get off on speeding tix, etc. So they begin to think that their actipons don't have consequenses. I am not saying all, as some people have a strong enough moral character that they can stand up to the devil, but weaker individuals can not. I feel my husband definately had issues before pd, pd did not cause all his prpoblems, but it definately created a situation where the fire was fed.

[This message edited by mplpmom at 9:07 PM, April 1st (Thursday)]


Me - BW (36)
Him - WH (35)
M - 7 years, together 11
DD - 5, DS - 2
DDay - 12/26/09
R is an on again off again ride and I am starting to feel queasy.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2010
ScribblingMum
Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, March 2nd (Tuesday)

OMG! I just read from whoisshe's Aug 2009 post about the FIVE PO's sharing a cheating pad apartment!!!!
UNfucking-believable!

A WIDOW came to our S-Anon 12 step group (for partners of sex addicts) and found out her beloved PO husband of 25 years died of a heart attack while f-ing a stripper/prostitute... he'd been over-doing his viagra, also...she had NO IDEA he was lying and had this doubl life...
How hideous is that!? And she had no idea what to do w/ her anger/grief, as she couldn't confront a dead man!


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, March 2nd (Tuesday)

mplpmom-I understand what you are saying; I have seen it, just not in my case. Stbxwh started all his shit when he became a CO; I don't blame the job, though, because he was a moral, upstanding man when he was a PO and he knew that the corrections dept was a sewer. He hated the cheaters in the dept, but he became one himself. He just decided he liked being stroked; it didn't matter if he was a CO or an accountant or a bus boy.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
mplpmom
Member
Member # 27266
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, March 3rd (Wednesday)

Sad - yes, a man's character is definately the predominate factor here. But notice there are not any threads entitled "accountants and their spouses affected by infifelity" or "busboys and there spouses affected by infidelity" or even lawyers or doctors - 2 other professions that often come with long hours and intense workign conditions. I think that is a very telling fact.


Me - BW (36)
Him - WH (35)
M - 7 years, together 11
DD - 5, DS - 2
DDay - 12/26/09
R is an on again off again ride and I am starting to feel queasy.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, March 27th (Saturday)

The reality is that there is too much opportunity and so little accountablity for a police officer to his/her spouse. My H could still be with ow & I would have no idea - they could meet at lunch, before work, after work, he could take lost time, he could say he's doing ot. And, in my h's pct there's plenty of single/divorced people, plenty of social events & bringing one's spouse is generally frowned upon.
OW transferred months ago & is still attending the pct events. She will never go away & neither will the opportunities.
It's a hopeless setting for someone who tends to stray.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
SmilesForTheKids
New Member
Member # 27776
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, April 1st (Thursday)

Just wondering... any other NYPD BWs (or Hs) out there?


Me ~ BW 36
Him ~ WH 37
Married 8.5 years
Reconciling


I'd love to walk away
And pull myself out of the rain
But I cant leave without you
I'd love to live without
The constant fear and endless doubt
But I can't live without you


Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2010
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, April 1st (Thursday)

(raising my hand) Retired NYPD's BW here. stbxwh is currently a CO. How are you?


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
SmilesForTheKids
New Member
Member # 27776
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, April 1st (Thursday)

I'm doing mostly okay, but the damn job makes it so hard for me to have complete peace of mind. He could be anywhere right now... BUT he's working so hard to help me heal that I have no choice but to trust and believe.

He's having surgery on an injury gotten on the job. I pray every night for 3 quarters, and so does he because he knows how desperately I need him out of that environment.

Thanks for asking.

Did your stbxwh have an A with a coworker?


Me ~ BW 36
Him ~ WH 37
Married 8.5 years
Reconciling


I'd love to walk away
And pull myself out of the rain
But I cant leave without you
I'd love to live without
The constant fear and endless doubt
But I can't live without you


Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2010
mplpmom
Member
Member # 27266
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, April 1st (Thursday)

NYPD BW here.

At least your H is trying to find his way back.

Allgoodnamesgone summed it up pretty well above. Zero accountability - unlimited opportunity. Plus a whole team who have your back and would cover for you no matter what.

[This message edited by mplpmom at 9:26 PM, April 1st (Thursday)]


Me - BW (36)
Him - WH (35)
M - 7 years, together 11
DD - 5, DS - 2
DDay - 12/26/09
R is an on again off again ride and I am starting to feel queasy.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2010
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, April 1st (Thursday)

Affair with co-worker--yes, but not in NYPD (at least to my knowledge!) He's had 2 As (and the beginning of a 3rd) in the past 3 years--2 nurses and 1 CO. He works in a state prison, and it's a cesspool of infidelity. Not that I blame the work environment; he is totally at fault.

I KWYM about the job; it's very difficult to be a LEO's spouse; I used to equate it to emotional blackmail. You can never let them leave the house when you are angry because you don't know if you'll ever see them again.

stbxwh was seriously injured (head injury) and had to retire; yes, he got 3/4s but it's a double-edged sword. He had to give up the only job he ever loved.

My story is in my journal if you care to read it. I was a very proud NYPD wife; he even had a female partner and that never bothered me.

Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to who has BTDT. Even though we are divorcing, we had 38 years together (36 happy-or so I thought).


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, April 1st (Thursday)

Ugh, mplpmom, I just read your sig lines. I'm so sorry to hear that. The D laws in NY suck.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, April 1st (Thursday)

I have kept off this thread because of comments and generalizations made about LEO and their job environment but now I feel compelled to butt in.

I don‘t recognize the things some claim the PD “teaches” it’s officers. I was never told that being a liar and a manipulator was a requirement nor that it would make the job easier. Nor that I could get away with speeding or breaking the law. In fact – once I joined I was warned that I would be judged and scrutinized by others in society so I better stay within the law and omit things that others see as normal. Things like having a beer in public, smoking in public, littering, speeding, illegal parking… these were all things I was seriously warned against.
I can also say that I personally fined a colleague for speeding. Recently a detective in my old precinct lost his badge for driving under the influence. Wearing the blue carries few privileges. This is reality not Serpico.
And I was DEFINITELY warned that my actions have consequences. That’s one of the main reasons lying isn’t such a good idea. I was reminded of that each and every time I had to give testimony in court. My actions had the consequence that someone went to jail. I had to be very clear that I was correct in my actions. That’s why we have procedures and requirements for basically each and every action that can have legal consequences.
And believe me – there are enough authority haters out there monitoring the police.

I want to stress some simple facts about LEO and infidelity:
If you read here on SI then you will see that irrespective of profession the absolutely single most common place WS and OP meet initially is work. Does not matter wheter that work-site is an office, restaurant or a precinct. LEO are no exception.
LEO do not have free reign of their time while on shift. Cars and patrols are monitored and there is significant work being done. They can’s simply hide behind a billboard for a quick one. A LEO having an affair will do it the same way as an office-manager or a pastry cook having an affair. He/she will sneak time in their private car after or before work or go to a motel or do whatever they do. A LEO will not have a private love-nest in the locker-room. And just like the office manager or cook the LEO will lie to the spouse about doing overtime, social events and so on.

Probably no profession whatsoever has been as extensively researched to determine the effect of the job as LEO. It’s acknowledged through repeated and extensive research that the job has immense negative impact on families and family life and it’s also acknowledged that the divorce rate of LEO is noticeably higher than average. But there is NO EVIDENCE AT ALL that infidelity is more common with LEO than other professions. In fact research has shown that educators and medical staff are more likely to have affairs than most.

I said most of this in an earlier post but it bears repeating:
The most interesting theory (and the one many professionals focus on) is that the unique nature of the job places a certain type of emotional and physical stress on both the officer and the spouse. The officer might be sitting in his/her car one minute and facing a knife the next. Or trying to be calm and comforting to someone crushed inside a wrecked car. Then an hour later he/she has to be home cooking hamburgers for the kids… The spouse might hear on the news about a shooting or hear sirens…
The uncertainty of the job has negative impact on both. Add to that the effects of irregular hours, the social environment and other factors and you have a deadly cocktail for a marriage.

The “interesting” thing about this stress is that it affects BOTH the spouse and the officer. I have noticed that when one considers the gender division here on SI (significantly more women post) then there are a surprising number of serving military personnel and law-enforcement officers posting as BS. To me this supports what I read in surveys and research in that the unique stress affects BOTH spouses.

Finally: an experienced officer is an asset and an unstable officer is a liability. Forces all over the world have placed immense emphasis on holding on to their veterans. Since a happy family life is important to being a happy and content person then generally police officers and their spouses have good access to MC and professional support. Often the spouse of the officer can initiate and access this support. If you are married to a law-enforcement officer (or are one) then I strongly suggest you see what support you are offered.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5311 | Registered: Sep 2005
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, April 2nd (Friday)

Bigger: I'm sorry if you feel attacked on this forum; that was not the intention for it. Yes, there are a lot of generalizations and assumptions made and it should not be that way. When my stbxwh was a PO I had no qualms about his fidelity. When he was injured and we moved to AZ, he continued to be faithful. When he joined the DOC he was faithful; he even railed against the cesspool of infidelity in the state prison system.

However, he was broken; I trace it back to his losing his job as a PO, not being a PO. He lost the only job he ever loved and became depressed. I think the depression wore him down. He needed to have his ego stroked by as many women as he could. The nurses in the prison served that function and became his APs. It would have happened anywhere.

He has always had female friends, more so than male friends; he even had a female partner in the PD; I NEVER worried about him; I knew he was faithful. Until three years ago when all hell broke loose.

The only slightly derogatory thing I can say about being the spouse of a LEO is that you can't have a fight; if you let them leave the house angry, you worry that you may never get the chance to make up again; it happened to me. He did recover, but never fully. It was a horrible experience, but I would not give up the chance for him to have been a PO for anything, even if we had to suffer the accident.

Hope I didn't ramble too much.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, April 2nd (Friday)

NYPD "wife" here.
I recognize the stress associated with law enforcement, though I have to say, my h minimized it & I was naive enough to believe it didnt affect him until after I discovered the A.

And, what I was saying is not that the A is necessarily occuring on work time, I'm saying that given the lack of any real routine with the hours, it's easy to squeeze an A in there & have it go unnoticed for a lengthy period of time. It's not like it's a 9 to 5 job - if that was the case, if ws isn't home by 6, one would question. No, with law enforcement, it's "looks like I have an arrest, I'm gonna get stuck here a while" or the ws taking lost time or just not going to work (& using a vacation day) & there is no reason for the spouse to know the difference unless you are in the habit of scrutinizing ws' paystub for details.

I work, and I guess if I wanted to have an A I could make up a whole bunch of excuses - but on a regular basis? I dont think it would be as successful. Plus, I would neve be able to come up with an excuse that would justify me being out of the house overnight!
And, there's the issue of phone contact - with other jobs if a bs calls ws at their place of employment & he's not there -well that answers a lot of questions, doesnt it? No such thing with law enforcement - all you have to contact them is their cell phone - which would be low on batteries, left in the patrol car, no service in the area, blah blah blah.

And, yes, the stress of law enforcement affects the family too - I dont have the same days off as my h, he's not going to be home for Easter, I have to manage all of our kids activities (all of which can occur at the same time/day) without a partner - so that sucks too.

No one is attacking law enforcement officers as people. I think law enforcement officers do things most people wouldn't do everyday & should be commended for it. Having said that, I hate everything to do with my husband's job & can't wait until he retires.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
SmilesForTheKids
New Member
Member # 27776
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, April 2nd (Friday)

Wow there are a lot of us. I am happy for the support and understanding, but not happy we are here.

Sad, thanks so much for sharing your experience. I too was a proud NYPD wife. I can't wait to read your story. I suspect we have a lot in common.

mlp, I am sorry your story isn't turning out well. I'm here if you ever need a sympathetic ear.

Bigger, I'm sorry you feel attacked. I personally don't blame the job for causing the A. FWH was a cop for 17 years without incident. Situations outside the job caused the A. The job concealed and encouraged it, and keeps me from having a true sense of R because there is so much time I simply can't "police."

Allgood we are living the same life and I could have written every word of your post. I hope you have a happy ending, no matter how things turn out.


Me ~ BW 36
Him ~ WH 37
Married 8.5 years
Reconciling


I'd love to walk away
And pull myself out of the rain
But I cant leave without you
I'd love to live without
The constant fear and endless doubt
But I can't live without you


Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2010
mplpmom
Member
Member # 27266
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, April 2nd (Friday)

Bigger - I am not attacking LEOs in general, and it seems like in your force/precinct there seems to be a higher moral standard expected, but I have to stand behind what I have said in my WHs sich. I have been in the car when he's gotten pulled over doing 85 in a 55 and flashed the badge. His partner did something off the job that should have landed him in jail and lost his badge, but someone took care of it and he got off with a slap on the wrists. Two of the guys in his precinct are accused of rape, and it seems to be "going away". Lesson is this is that they are above the law. If they can get away with criminal activities with no reprecussion, then who's gonna jam them up for an affair?

As for free time on the job? Last year WH husband asked for a portable DVD player for xmas so they could watch movies in the patrol car. WH sends hundreds of text messages to other cops (including his OW) every shift. Him and his partner take turns driving while the other sleeps. And according to WH - everybody does it! Pretty sure I'd get fired in about 3 seconds if I pulled any of that at my job.

I understand that there are very intense moments on the job, and he has to do things and see things no one should have to do or see, but he chose to go into the PD, chose to force us all into this life. I warned him how hard I thought it would all be on him and us, how a person can't be trained to shot someone without it having a serious effect on them as a human being. I never imagined how right I was.

When I try to talk to him about his day, he usually doesn't say a word. They have been told to protect their spouses by not burdening them with what they have to go through. So who do they talk to - other cops. If you read "not Just friends" it talks about walls and windows. I think they "learn" to put up walls with their families and windows with their colleagues. My husband admitted that he felt like he could only share his frustrations with the job and tramas he encountered with his "friend" from the academy who eventually became his OW.

And as for support? I called the police support hotline and they couldn't do a damn thing unless the officer called. If it is so fucking hard for the families, why isn't there any support? Would it be so hard to send the spouses a list of resources they read, use, etc so that they could better support their LEOs? I never got once shred of acknowledgement from the PD. Me and my children didn't exist as far as the NYPD was concerned, we were a distratcion he had to leave the job to go hime to.

MY WH was a chef for 15 years before he became a LEO, so I was used to the long hours and the never being around for holidays. And to be honest I was never that worried about him getting hurt on the job. What I couldn't take was being treated like a perp, the wall that he put up between us when he joined the PD, and the fact that even when he was here, he wasn't present - these are things that happened before as well as during the A. I had almost nine years with him before he joined the academny in 2007, and things started to quickly deteriorate amost as soon as he joined.

As I said in earlier posts, I now realize my husband had issues that I was unaware of before he joined the PD. But the job compounded these issues and added a whole slate of new ones. And gave him unlimted opportunity/zero accountability to engage in in appropriate behaviours. He may have been broke when he went into the PD, but now he is shattered, as is the rest of my family.


[This message edited by mplpmom at 5:37 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)]


Me - BW (36)
Him - WH (35)
M - 7 years, together 11
DD - 5, DS - 2
DDay - 12/26/09
R is an on again off again ride and I am starting to feel queasy.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2010
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)

I‘m not offended and I don’t feel attacked. That‘s not my beef. It’s just that if we sit by and allow suffering LEO spouses to make broad assumptions on the situation then we are NOT helping in the healing process.

Infidelity is a serious issue. Dead serious. I think one of the best tools we can have to cope with it is knowledge and understanding. This has to be based on facts – or at least well deducted reasoning. Once we base our understanding on personal emotions and assumptions based on myth… well then we are NOT on the path of healing.

So when I read statements claiming that LEO are trained and expected to lie and deceive… well – they certainly won’t help anyone in healing. And I seriously doubt one precinct or one force enforces that policy. If we are to assume that some of the broad statements made here on this thread are true then basically there is no way we can fight or deal with infidelity in the police. Once that’s the case then frankly the ONLY solution open for a LEO spouse is divorce. If the environment actively encourages and enables infidelity, covers up infidelity and stays together no matter what then there really is no hope for any LEO marriage.

As I have pointed out few if any professions has been as extensively researched as LEO. The research has confirmed a higher divorce rate but has NOT confirmed higher infidelity rates. Why? This legend about the persistent and high infidelity rate is very long lived and researchers have examined it but as yet not a single survey has confirmed this. Why?

Keep in mind that a veteran LEO is a prized asset and HR departments work hard to keep them on the force. It costs a lot of money to train a rookie and the drop-out rate in the first five years is relatively high considering the screening before you get in the academy and the sieve in the academy (about 7 out of 10 of those that started graduated in my year). When you calculate the cost of a LEO that quits and the cost of mistakes a rookie can make and it’s easy to see why departments place a lot of money and effort to keep their officers.

The research has shown a higher suicide rate and a possible higher alcohol misuse rate with LEO. Both considered stress related. The best way to cope with stress? A good and healthy home environment. So LEO HR departments all over the world have placed great emphasis on improving family life for LEO. It might not be macho but over the last years the number of LEO couples seeking department supported or paid MC has increased.

And infidelity being easier for LEO. I don’t get that. What would be less conspicuous in the corner of a car-park; a nondescript Toyota with steamy windows or a marked squad car? A man wearing jeans and a shirt checking into a motel or a cop wearing uniform and carrying a gun checking into a motel? Yes – shift work might make “monitoring” harder. Just like others with non-LEO shift working spouses have experienced. Yes they can claim overtime – just like others experience. Yes – sometimes associates will cover for them – just like others have experienced. But a LEO having an affair is hiding it just like most others that have affairs do. Nothing special there.

I truly feel that if we focus on myth and not the real issues then we won’t make any headway in healing. If you truly believe the job is evil and will inevitably cause your spouse to cheat then fighting it isn’t really an option. File and move on.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5311 | Registered: Sep 2005
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)

Bigger - I'm glad that you don't feel like anyone was attacking you - I know that certainly wasn't my intent.
But, I do disagree with you in that I believe the special circumstances associated with law enforcement do make for special challenges both in keeping a home life happy & in discovering the affair.
Clearly anyone carrying on in uniform, while on duty or in a marked patrol car is just asking to be noticed. That is not what I'm talking about & I dont think that is what the others are talking about.
I agree with you that a cover-up is a cover-up, law enforcement related or not; however, the nature of law enforcement as a job does give one inclined to have an affair a greater ability to keep it going un-noticed by one's spouse. While others working overnights,etc might also be able to do so - that's possible - but there's still something about police work that is unique. I cant think of any other job where one can just announce on short notice that one is not going to be able to make it home for 8 hours or more past one's expected end of tour without an eyebrow being raised by one's spouse. (And even if you can think of an example -the point is that it takes some time to think of one - which means that it's not the norm).
I agree with you, however, that having a defeated attitude is not helpful and will probably doom the process.
Having said that, I never have peace when my h is "working". He's at the end of his career, so working a lot of ot is to be expected. I cant confront every time I feel this way without negatively affecting our reconciliation effort. (Nor would it be plausible for me to call him at 3 in the morning to put my mind at ease as he would clearly feel that I am checking on him). It just makes me feel anxious & since it's a weekly occurence, it's not a very easy way to spend time.
And, in my wh's situation, family is definitely kept at bay - "no one" brings their wives to most social events -not the Christmas parties, not the monthly get-to-gethers, etc.
It's just a unique challenge that is not easily resolved. I'd love for someone to tell me something positive - like how their ws was able to alleviate their concerns.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 9:09 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
notforgiving
Member
Member # 27589
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)

My W had an A with a Deputy Chief of Customs. He use to take breaks during his shift so they could meet. He was so stupid to have sent emails from his government account, and used his office phone and cell phone for communicating. I know some people there knew what he was doing. No honor.

[This message edited by notforgiving at 10:24 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)]


At time of the A:
me - BH 40
FWW - 39
Kids - 8 & 4 (I may have given them life, but they are my saviors)
D-Day 11/19/08
TT until 5/12/09

Posts: 133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: NY
SmilesForTheKids
New Member
Member # 27776
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)

Allgood, you seriously must read my mind. You and I are in very similiar places.

I could have written the following myself, every last work of it:

Having said that, I never have peace when my h is "working". He's at the end of his career, so working a lot of ot is to be expected. I cant confront every time I feel this way without negatively affecting our reconciliation effort. (Nor would it be plausible for me to call him at 3 in the morning to put my mind at ease as he would clearly feel that I am checking on him). It just makes me feel anxious & since it's a weekly occurence, it's not a very easy way to spend time.
And, in my wh's situation, family is definitely kept at bay - "no one" brings their wives to most social events -not the Christmas parties, not the monthly get-to-gethers, etc.
It's just a unique challenge that is not easily resolved. I'd love for someone to tell me something positive - like how their ws was able to alleviate their concerns.


BUT, I do call him at 3am. And 2am and 4am if the need or desire strikes me and I can't sleep. He has learned to pick up on the first ring, which keeps me happy.

My FWHs rank also pulls him out of bed at all hours and sends him racing back to work at a moments notice. How do I really know who's calling? And how many other professions have the same expectations? Not too many. : (


Me ~ BW 36
Him ~ WH 37
Married 8.5 years
Reconciling


I'd love to walk away
And pull myself out of the rain
But I cant leave without you
I'd love to live without
The constant fear and endless doubt
But I can't live without you


Posts: 31 | Registered: Feb 2010
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, April 5th (Monday)

These are truly personal and sad experiences. They don't represent every LEO or spouse of a LEO, but we have enough common ground to rate our own thread. It's very helpful to hear what others are going through and relate it (or not) to our own lives.

I'm guessing things may have changed since stbxwh was in the NYPD. 'Way back then' it was a family for the LEOs and the families. The precinct had Christmas parties for the families, there were all kinds of extra-curricular events the families could attend, like baseball & hockey games, parties, dances (I STILL remember the Emerald Society Ball--the only ball I ever went to!). We went to each others weddings.

Unfortunately (and actually realistically) it all stopped when stbx had to retire due to his injuries. It was devastating for him. The only person he has remained in contact with is a member of his academy class who had to leave the force under unfortunate circumstances.

When we moved and he got into corrections, it started out OK, but it was not the 'family-friendly' environment we experienced in the PD. It got worse when he transferred to a prison closer to home (he used to have to travel 1 1/2 hours in each direction to work). The current prison is a cesspool of infidelity. His excuse is 'you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas', but that doesn't fly with me. The things that go on in this prison are so depraved (once again, not everyone is involved) including female officers having sex with prisoners--how does this happen in a work environment that is supposed to be tightly controled??--that I can't imagine a normal person wanting to get involved in it; obviously, he was no longer a normal person.

I begged him to leave; I would have been very happy to have him sit on his ass all day in front of the TV rather than work in a place like that, but he loves the drama. Ugh.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
strawberry16
Member
Member # 27750
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, April 5th (Monday)

Question for BS's of LEO's that have successfully R'd: How did you get trust back (or some of it) with this line of work? My H used going into work early to do paper work as one of his excuses to cover up meeting OW on one of his evening shifts. Every time I hear this now I will wonder. I am on mat leave now, but what happens when I go back to work and he has days off that I am out of the house all day working??? There is just so much time in this line of work for him to stray without me knowing. So stressful.

No idea if we are going to R yet, I am just wondering...

Thanks.


“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Me: BS (29)
Him: WH (30)
Married: 3 years
Kids: 1 baby at home


Posts: 90 | Registered: Feb 2010
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, April 5th (Monday)

strawberry: You have bigger problems than his LE career. Your backstory indicates that he may be a SA; has he ever been diagnosed or had any kind of psychotherapy? His 'supposed' ONS with his ex during your pregnancy was hurtful enough, but on top of all the other hurts he has caused you, he has many issues that need to be addressed before you two can even think about R.

It's wonderful that he loves his baby daughter, but what about you? You appear to be giving him a pass on a lot of bad behavior.

If the two of you are or can get to a place where you can have his transparency, remorse, and an end to his bad behavior, then you have to set boundaries that he cannot cross without you filing for D. There is a lot of good advice in The Healing Library; give him your demands and let him 'man up'. In particular, he may have to accept a female partner; if his department is not open to his explanation of past problems, you and he would have to decide how to handle such a situation.

Most LEOs can carry cell phones now (unless they are COs) so you could set up regular calls or texts to keep in touch; he may even be able to send you pics of where he is.

If he is committed to R, his being a LEO should not have any impact on your success.

Good luck.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Sdanni64
Member
Member # 27722
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 5th (Monday)

My WH is a former deputy sheriff from OH.

The one thing I remember him telling me (more than once) is the difference between a police officer's mind and a criminal's mind is very small...they are of like mindset and actions.

I guess that was how he could deceive me so effectively for 10 months...I never once suspected him of having an A until he asked for a divorce...then I knew immediately that was what had happened.

Wish I had caught on sooner.


Me: BS 46 Him: stbxWH 42
Married since 8/05
D day: 2/22/10
No R..he is living w/MOW
D filed 4/16/10

A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life.....maybe from my wounds, from my injuries, I will produce a "pearl"


Posts: 191 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: North Carolina
strawberry16
Member
Member # 27750
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, April 5th (Monday)

Thank you for your response S in AZ. My H is currently in therapy right now but not living with me. He was not ready to meet the boundaries I set up for him to R so I asked him to leave. He is starting to see the impact that his childhood really did have on him, and said he will be in therapy for a while (I know his childhood does not excuse his behaviour in our marriage, I have a very healthy outlook on this and am in no way giving him a pass). I thought he may be SA - his therapist says that he is not exactly one. His problem is more a need for attention, always from the opposite sex, and they are working on where this started and then how to change his pattern. Who knows where that will go. I just wanted to know that if R ever does happen, how can I trust him with his crazy shift work. Just trying to sort out my thoughts so I am ready for any decsions I may make down the raod. So much has been thrown at me, but I think considering it all I am thinking very clearly...so does the IC I have started seeing, and who thinks that I probably won't need too many sessions with. We shall see....


“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Me: BS (29)
Him: WH (30)
Married: 3 years
Kids: 1 baby at home


Posts: 90 | Registered: Feb 2010
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, April 5th (Monday)

Hmmm...Sdanni, I don't buy that reasoning. To be an effective investigator, you may have to think like a criminal, but you certainly don't have to act like one. I was an insurance fraud investigator and I was very good at uncovering fraud, but it didn't cause me to commit fraud.

My stbxwh was a robbery investigator in the PD and is now a CO, yet I caught him in many, many lies and compromising situations. He really wasn't that good at covering his tracks; in fact, he often telegraphed his actions. He may have been a good investigator, but he was a lousy cheater.

strawberry: I'm glad you are making progress with your IC. If your WH ever pulls his head out of his a$$ and agrees to your boundaries, I think you will be strong enough to enforce them.

Don't overly worry about the irregularities of his job; if he is a good LEO, you can learn from him and turn the tables when it comes time to 'trust but verify', KWIM?


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
mplpmom
Member
Member # 27266
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, April 10th (Saturday)

[This message edited by mplpmom at 10:18 AM, April 12th (Monday)]


Me - BW (36)
Him - WH (35)
M - 7 years, together 11
DD - 5, DS - 2
DDay - 12/26/09
R is an on again off again ride and I am starting to feel queasy.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2010
mplpmom
Member
Member # 27266
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, April 10th (Saturday)

Strawberry - I totally get what you mean. I don't really see us R'ing for a number of reasons, one of the big ones being that I can't imagine how I could ever deal with all the downtime away from home. Just today, WH texts me saying his shift ended late so he was going to stay in the city, watch the game and sleep at the precinct, rather than come home. Any time he gets an arrest, it usually means he doesn't come home that day and crashes at the precinct. This was his trick to see his cop OW whore, lie about arrests so he didn't have to come home. Even if my WH was remoreseful and trying to work things out and NC with OW (which he is not), I would not be able to keep my mind from envisioning the worst, now that it has seen the worst. How could a BS ever deal with situations like this?

[This message edited by mplpmom at 11:27 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]


Me - BW (36)
Him - WH (35)
M - 7 years, together 11
DD - 5, DS - 2
DDay - 12/26/09
R is an on again off again ride and I am starting to feel queasy.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2010
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Sad  Posted: 11:52 PM, April 10th (Saturday)


the link above shows previews of the show tomorrow ... it comes on the NatGeo channel at 9pm CST ...


STBX says he will be all over the tv show tomorrow ...

[This message edited by drowninginsorrow at 7:56 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
drowninginsorrow
Member
Member # 4545
Red  Posted: 7:56 AM, April 11th (Sunday)

PERSONAL INFORMATION: Do not post personal information publicly on the boards. This includes, but is not limited to, full names, addresses, workplace information, email addresses.


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.- Matt Groening
"I've found the secret to life. I'm ok when everything is not ok"- Tori Amos lyrics

Posts: 56712 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: canuckistan
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Helpless  Posted: 12:06 PM, April 11th (Sunday)

sorry again ... and thank you for the edit ... I was going to do it when I saw the flag on my other post in general ...



I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, April 12th (Monday)

Mpl- I know exactly what you mean. Things were really bad for us 1 week ago, but things seem to have turned around. He seems to be making more of an effort to support me & I've been feeling a little happier. Now, I'm triggering all over the place because he just told me he's working ot on Friday which means he'll leave for work Fri am & I won't see him til Sat night - with plenty of "down time" in between the tours. Like your, h this is how my h saw ow without raising suspicions. I'm going to be calling him a lot - which will work for the 1st 5 hr gap between shifts, but not so much for the 3am-7am part. And they would usually meet at 6am before work.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 14th (Wednesday)

Just an update - told my h I was triggering & he said he would come home between shifts.
Progress.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
gapingvoid
Member
Member # 20645
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)

wow, I am sad/happy to have found this thread. It seems everyday I question our R because of his line of work.

I always think of how I can't verify anything anymore. His cell is through work as is his car and almost his whole life. He's a detective, haha. He knows all about gps devices and var's. Ugh. Just short of following him around myself, I feel there's no way to tell if he's telling the truth. I'm so hypersensitive about every little thing. If he looks at me wrong, I wonder if somethings going on.


In fact I'm on here tonight because he just called me to say he'd be gone all night working on a case. Another surveillance.

My heart keeps breaking over and over. I'm a mess and feel like I'll never recover sometimes.

Thanks for listening to me ramble tonight.


Me BW 37
Him FWH 37
together 20 yrs, married 13yrs
3 beautiful 'babies'
in "R", but he doesn't want to talk about it
Dday 7/6/08
PA 3 weeks, but I'm not buyin it

Posts: 57 | Registered: Aug 2008
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)

Gaping: I'm sorry :(
It is really hard to not know, but I'm trying to just be happy with what I do know I have and hope/trust that there's nothing else out there that's going to undo that.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
rldawn
New Member
Member # 28065
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)

Gaping...

I am right there with you. We are attempting to R and have been having some good days, but knowing that it was my H work cell, work computer, work vehicle, that were used to make contact with his OW makes the transparency on his part difficult. Like your husband, mine is also a "detective" and works odd hours doing surveilance. I also know he used his before shift or after shift times to meet up with the OW. Many times, just him being at work is a trigger for me.

Like Allgoodnamesgone said, we have to try to put some trust in being happy with what we do have access to. A friend of mine said we have a choice to face it with Love or with Fear. For now, Im choosing Love.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2010
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 3:05 AM, April 25th (Sunday)

well I watched the show with stbx in it ... and it was good ... natgeo did a great job on the show ... even tho they kinda just showed one side of the prison system perspective ...

and stbx was all over the show ... however only 1-2 scenes were with his face ... the rest were him dressed out in riot gear going in to get an unruly inmate ...

doesn't matter I knew who he was ...

and I did not trigger like I thought I would ... and I have it saved on my DVR ... and have only watched it once ... the night it aired ... thought I would be watching it everyday ... but I don't ...

so that is it ... things are still moving along ... the meadiation is set for May 13th ... I will appear by phone/fax ... last time I talked to stbx he asked if I would be coming to CO for the meadiation ??? and where I would be staying if I was ???

WTF ??? no I told him I will be by phone ...

no other news school is good and I am almost done with the first trimester ... 2nd one starts May 3rd ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 25th (Sunday)

Booger - I'm glad you are moving forward and got through that experience ok. Good luck with the mediation.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 6:07 PM, April 25th (Sunday)

thnx allgood ...

I have and hope/trust that there's nothing else out there that's going to undo that.

this is such a true statement ... after all they have taken fromus already and will probably continue to take over the years ...

I am so happy tou are not giving up your hope or trust ... they are such important things to have and keep close to you ...

I struggle with keeping those sometimes ... but I am getting better at it ... slowly ...

How is going having him come home between shifts ??? still good I hope what a nice thing and the right thing for him to do ... I am so happy for you he made that choice ... it was and is the right one ...

I hope your R continues in that direction ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
nolight228
Member
Member # 28425
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 3rd (Monday)

[This message edited by nolight228 at 7:41 AM, May 27th (Thursday)]


ME - BSO 29
HIM- WSO 34
Together 3yrs, Engaged for 2 yr
D-DAY 4/6/10

FINALLY!! It looks like we have a fighting chance...


Posts: 65 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Twilight Zone
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 3rd (Monday)

Nolight - I don't think involving his employers is the way to go.
He has to want nc - if he needs a push to see the right decision - that should come from you by setting your boundaries.
My h & ow both worked in the same precincts - both did things that were improper while on the job - but doing something that would interfere with his livelihood or would hurt him is not the way to win him back.
Give yourself plenty of time - it really does get better with time. Why won't he go nc - can you at least agree to something - like no face to face meetings. Email/texting only (which you can review), etc.? Why doesnt he want to go nc - is he ambivalent about your relationship - does he know that he's going to lose you if he doesnt? More info please - would love to help.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nolight228
Member
Member # 28425
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, May 3rd (Monday)

Allgood - I don't know what he's feeling about our relationship. He won't talk to me about anything more significant than the weather. He says he can't do NC because OW is claiming she's pregnant and it's his and is threatening an abortion if he does. I'm proud of myself.. I am getting the hang of the 180. I did a pretty good job of holding it together last night. He's using his badge as a way to avoid counseling. He says that it could hurt his chances for promotion since he would have to disclose it to his boss. I can't get him to talk to me but I know he talks to OW.. I am so afraid that if I set firm boundaries that I'll lose him. I know it's nuts but I still love him. I am still in the place where I am afraid to do anything.. for fear of doing the wrong thing..


ME - BSO 29
HIM- WSO 34
Together 3yrs, Engaged for 2 yr
D-DAY 4/6/10

FINALLY!! It looks like we have a fighting chance...


Posts: 65 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Twilight Zone
twicedestroyed
Member
Member # 28197
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, May 3rd (Monday)

I have only read a handful of the posts in this thread and already see such familiar fears and beliefs. I hope to one day soon be able to sit down and read the whole thread, but for now, I will just chime in with my story
WH was a dedicated, hard working state trooper since starting the academy over 12 years ago. I met him about 6 months into the job...through another trooper (maried) who was trying to date me
I immediately fell in love with his stability, work ethic, compassion, etc. We talked A LOT about all those other cops who cheated or were cheating on their wives and what idiots/scum they were...
Then it was his turn...
Getting promoted off the streets and onto a "desk" job was GREAT, so we thought, but that left a lot of time to chat with the dispatchers...you know how the story goes from here...chatting lead to flirting, lead to meeting outside work, etc. Work computers, work cars, work hours, heck work building all contributed.
Within weeks of D-Day (after all the TTs and the fog lifted) WH asked for a transfer (at my request) to another barrack, which he got. I feel a little better, but there is still so much damage done and suspicion cast.
Much more to say, I'm sure I'll be back...

Oh, where are all the other profession threads???


Me-BS 35
Him-(F)WS 38
DDay 5/09 with TT all month after 7 years of marriage
3 month EA/PA with MOW (co-worker) while I was pregnant and during/after her birth/death
Living children, 4...currently 17 (mine/his step daughter), 8, 6, 3 (product of HB)

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: East Coast
mtnclimber
New Member
Member # 28026
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)

Hi,
I'm new to SI, but my D-day was 2 months ago, and I've been doing lots of reading & thinking.
My WH is a detective as well, and between his work car, work laptop, "secret" office (he's in a new position in a federal task force, so I don't even really know where his office is anymore), and his work cell phone, he has his own bubble of secrecy around most of his daily life.

He had an EA/possible PA with his massage therapist, who is also the fiancee of my WH's good LEO friend. I'm afraid if I expose to OW's fiance (my husband's friend) that it could get dangerous. Hell, they must have 50 guns between the two of them!

WH claims he's NC with OW, but she tried to call his work cell last week (he says he didn't answer), and she talked one of WH's fellow officers into saying "hi" to WH for her.

WH has issues with PTSD (serious shooting at his PD a few months ago) and with emotional unavailability (work-related, I think).

How do i ever move past the trust issues? How do I ever trust him when he has a whole bubble of secrecy around him most of the day?

Thanks for any advice!


Me-39
WH-41
2 young daughters, ages 2 and 6.

D-Day 3/1/2010
Together since 1990, married in 1996.
OW--His massage therapist, who is engaged to WH's good friend.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Pac NW
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)

I'm still struggling with trust issues myself, but here's my 2 cents:

Nolight: my H is on the job & is attending counseling. It can be done - especially if it's marriage counseling. And - if he doubts this - the way I would put it would be "at this point our marriage should be more important to you than any promotion".

As far as losing him - well-to a point I understand... I am very thankful that in the shock that followed the month after I discovered my H's affair that I reacted in an almost desperate attempt to keep him - with lots of "hysterical bonding". In my mind, I kept thinking that I need to compete with ow so he chooses me. And - I am thankful because during the latter part of that month, he was in contact with ow, so I think that if I was angry or detached, etc, it might have turned out differently. BUT - unlike your situation - my husband was talking to me and we were going out for date nights, etc. Point is -even tho he kept in touch with ow (which he hid from me obviously) I was still able to see him trying to work on saving our marriage.

No contact is essential. When I discovered my H broke NC I originally told him it was over - but then after thinking it might be unrealistic to break off a long term affair abruptly I told him to take whatever time he needed to wind things up with ow; however, I made it clear that I would not be attempting to reconcile with him while he sorted it out. We never discussed time deadlines - but I did ask him how long he thought it would take - he said he didn't know and I told him that I would only allow myself to live in limbo for so long and then I would move on because the fastest way to get over him would be for me to find someone new. He called ow and ended it that night.

Just an idea - but, you can't tip-toe around him - it's just unhealthy for you. I'm sorry that he isn't being more supportive - it's hard enough to recover from this with the assistance of your ws - but the choice is his - you can help it along to an extent, but if he's not willing to commit to you exclusively - there's nothing you can do or not do to change that. Sorry- I know it sucks.

Mtnclimber: the secrecy is tough, but honestly - when there's a will there's a way no matter the profession. But in any event - I would just scrutinize his behavior for any changes - changes with you and with himself.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:29 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)

mtnclimber: He says he's in NC with OW--that's good. It's fairly common for a spurned OW to 'fish' for continued contact. However, remember that actions speak louder that words. Just saying he is in NC is not enough; he should write a letter of NC and let you mail it. Then he needs to be truly remorseful and do everything you need him to do to make you feel safe again in your relationship--you set the boundaries.

This can be hard for a LEO; there is a lot of ego involved. But R can only happen when both parties are commited to it. Good luck.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
played-a-fool
Member
Member # 29476
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)

I have only just found this thread and have only read a few of the posts but so far I haven't seen anyother LEO's that are the BH. That's me. My WW had her affair just after I went on the job 19 yrs ago and my D-Day was 8 mos ago. Wanna talk about ego? Try being the kind of man that everyone turns to for protection and justice then finding out that you couldn't even protect yourself. I'm a detective and I can spot deception during an interrogation in a split second and I am very good at getting confessions but I was fooled for 19 yrs by my wife. I had suspicions but was able to convince myself that nothing happened. Not all LEO's are cheaters but it is true that many are. I have always been quick to brag that I have been 100% faithful to my wife and I would also say that I knew my wife had been faithful too. What a fool. No I'm scrambling to find just a little bit of the confident, strong individual I was before. I don't even recognize the man I am now. I can't believe I'm still with her but here I am, willing to live with this horrible knoweledge(at least for now). I feel like my happy, comfortable life has been ripped away from me through no fault of my own. I don't know how I'm gonna live with this woman now. She seems very remorseful and she's saying and doing most of the right things but I just can't shake this horrible feeling inside. LEO's dont trust very much anyway and we're very jaded so when we make ourselves vulnerable to someone like I did my wife we are totally destroyed when something like this happens. I completely trusted this woman for 23 1/2 years, now I will never trust her again. I just wonder if I can continue to stay with her if I can't trust her. Are there any other BH's here that are LEO's who are in R? I gotta know how you were able to move past this without totally loosing your sanity.


Me - BH
Her - FWW
Trying to R

Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.


Posts: 635 | Registered: Aug 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)

Hey Played -just wanted to say sorry for your situation.
As you can see by themonths that went by from the last post to your post - this site doesn't seem to relate to too many.
Maybe you would have better luck posting inthe Reconciliation forum- start a new topic for Law enforcement officers that are the BS.
I agree that most of the people who have posted here are the BS of a Law enforcment officer - I assume that's because of the unique circumstances of your work sitch - the hours, the days, the stress, etc. all of that which make it very difficult to be transparent and sort of lend itself to concealing an A. ( I realize not all law enforcement cheat, of course.)

And - don't fault yourself for not seeing this previously. You trusted her, as you should. I too overlooked a number of red flags because I trusted my H. Hell - had I even checked 1 phone bill over the past 1 1/2 years I would've known what was going on...
Anyway - I wish you luck.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
i hurt
New Member
Member # 29627
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, September 17th (Friday)

i am the wife of a police officer. an under cover police officer. dday was about 2 weeks ago. we have been married for almost 6 years, and he cheated once (that i know of) 3 months ago. i had a gut feeling and did some of my own detective work. i am incredibly hurt. i really dont know what to do, espically since im so in love with him. we have 4 kids and i am a stay at home mom. please help me!

Posts: 22 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: metro detroit
alexa071
Member
Member # 28881
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, September 19th (Sunday)

Played,

I know I'm running about two weeks late but I am also a LEO and a BH. My story is in my profile if you want to read it. I can't tell you I'm in R... D-day was around 4 months ago.

I can attest that my wife was also an expert liar. After D-day we essentially had an interrogation over the facts of her A. She lied right to my face and made me believe her. Of course it was all lies... the difference is that I WANTED to believe her. That's not the case when we are interrogating a suspect.

I even went so far as to have WW take TWO polygraphs. She failed BOTH! I did get some additional information from her on the first one but the second one she failed and SWORE she was being truthful. I don't buy it for one minute.

As far a trust... I can't help you there. I have zero trust in my WW. I don't believe hardly anything that comes out of her mouth anymore. If it continues... well I suppose we don't have any chance at R. I'm just kind of in limbo right now trying to be patient and observe WW's behavior. I have very definitely lost my sanity... at least in the short term. Sorry I can't be of more help.


Me: BH (32)
Her: XWW/SA/Borderline PD (Betrayer47) (32)
OC: (4)

Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: MN
Time2moveon
New Member
Member # 21503
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, September 19th (Sunday)

My XWH is a PO. After a year being married tried out for the SWAT team and made it. I was so happy for him little did I know that was the beging of the end of our marriage.

Long story short,A&E started filming the swat team. Now he is a celebrity & PO. he would have,raids,search warrants,late arrests a lot. Worked OT all the time Ifelt like I was a single mom. I felt for a while he was cheating. I got in his email & found pics of him with girls, married but dating websites. Around the same time my OBGYN called & said I had Gonorhea WTF.

I was crushed. How could he bring the streets home to his wife? I am already a skinny person but all this stress caused me to lose 20 lbs ended up in the hospital & through all this never any remorse or that he was truly sorry. He said let's just brush it under the rug. Yeah right. I didn't leave him. He left me. We have been divorced for over 2 years now. He has been dating a PO from a different dept for over a year. I don't think he will change. BTW I work at a court & have been for 10yrs & see it all the time with PO's. For some reason they think it is ok?


Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Detroit
alexa071
Member
Member # 28881
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, September 20th (Monday)

Time2,

I can tell you that I am a PO and I do NOT think it is okay. The schedule of the job and the relative freedom of movement at work does give a lot of opportunity to those who DO think it is okay. I think that is most of the problem. Also, stressful situations with members of the opposite sex and the need to trust each other with their lives allows them to get closer than is healthy to maintain proper boundaries. Not that it HAS to happen but those with poor boundaries to begin with are very susceptible in our line of work IMHO.


Me: BH (32)
Her: XWW/SA/Borderline PD (Betrayer47) (32)
OC: (4)

Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: MN
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, September 26th (Sunday)

I was a PO at the time of my d-day. I had to go home for a clean shirt after getting blood from a car crash on me. Walked in on my then-fiance and OM having sex in our bed. This was after living together for over 2 years and dating for over 4 years and only 5 weeks from our big planned white wedding.
In my case I walked away from it all. I decided there and then that DESPITE the time, the love, the future plans and the commitment already invested then I did not want to start the next stage with this handicap. Sure there were times I wondered whether this was the right decision but I have never regretted it. I am fully aware that I would probably have made a different choice (or at least considered it seriously) if we had children or if we had a mortgage, house, car-loans etc. But at the time this was the correct decision and I dealt with the pain of betrayal, death of love, broken dreams and hopes and all that.

I HATE the claim so many make that cops cheat more than other professions. I doubt any single profession has been examined more by psychologists, sociologists and anthropologists more than LEO and not a SINGLE survey supports the theory that LEO cheat more than others. Not a SINGLE. However more or less all surveys confirm the divorce rate is higher than most other professions (look at my post near the bottom of page 2 on this thread).

We can play around with that fact:
If the norm divorce rate is 50% and LEO is 55% then it’s clear that if you know 100 non-LEO people and 100 LEO then 50/55 divorce. If the reasons for divorce are the same then about 7% are due to infidelity. So out of 100 marriages 3.5 “normal” marriages are because of infidelity but 3.85 if LEO. Does this read as a “significant” increase in infidelity?
What the surveys don’t show is also quite interesting: is it the LEO or the LEO spouse that has the infidelity that leads to divorce? Considering the gender bend here on SI then here on this single page on this thread we have 3 male LEO with cheating spouses…

IMHO this, along with the acknowledged increase in divorce rates in the military, supports the theory that the unique kind of stress that the unknown in LEO jobs places on marriage affects BOTH partners and therefore can lead to either of them reacting in the wrong way.

Ps. My fiancé was a hairdresser who ran her own saloon. Of the 4 hairdressers working there 3 were in relationships. Of those three then two were cheating. If I were to base on my personal experiences then hairdressers are the ones to watch out for!


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5311 | Registered: Sep 2005
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, September 27th (Monday)

Bigger:

Of course you hate the perception about law enforcement and infidelity.
It's unfair to you and to many hard working officers that remain faithful to their spouses.

BTW I always like to take the opportunity to let a po know how grateful I am for what you & many others do on a daily basis. It's truly remarkable - even if it's a boring day & nothing happens, you guys are still there willing to take the risk.

However, you must realize that the people on this thread have lived the reality that have proven the stereotype to be true in our situations, at least. However unfair that generalization is - it applied to us. Every command is different, but my H's command is comprised mostly of single, divorced or men (and a few women) cheating on their spouses with other officers, adas, etc.
Of course, the newly married & younger married couples seem to be fine (I'm too old to be hanging out with them) and I do know some long term relationships that were not affected by infidelity, but that is very much the situation at my H's place of employment.

NOw, of course infidelity is a problem across the board, with many different professions. I think the uniqueness of law enforcement is that the strain of the officers' schedule, work related stress, along with the relative freedom of movement within the job, the ability to have a separate phone in your locker at work, etc. all make remaining transparent difficult. (The latter 2-3 may be applicable to those that are self-employed, I imagine, as well.)

In any event, I know I responded to you once before and was unable to convince you, so I will leave it at this: all stereotypes & generalizations are unfair to significant portions of people in the category. That being said, there are difficulties faced by spouses of law enforcement that I do not believe are faced by others. Of course when there's a will, there's a way and infidelity is present in many occupations, but I just think it goes undetected for longer or more frequently in this kind of occupation, I also happen to know in my experience at least, that it is so common at my H's command that it is not even shocking so there's no real repurcusions that way.

I do think temptation abounds in this profession - there are a lot of social functions with single people and alcohol, etc.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:58 AM, September 27th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ginger123009
New Member
Member # 29509
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, September 29th (Wednesday)

My WS is a P.O. We have been together for over 22 years and married for over 18 yrs. We both work for the Department, but I was unsworn. We were both single when we meet and started dating and never stopped. WS always said to trust him, that he would never do that to me. Years later, I changed positions at work in 2007. I worked for a Tactical Unit, so I was stressed alot, which is why I never saw it coming, but I did feel it. We both worked nights, seeing each other on my breaks, because his office was downstairs. I even thought to myself, He knows where i am at night and it would be the best time to see someone else. Who would question it if he had to go to someone's house that it would not be work related. long story shorter, WS met OP at the restaurant near by, it was a 24 hr place. WS says OP came up to him and gave him, her phone number, but he threw it away. then he just so happened to be at the restaurant by himself, they exchanged numbers, then the calls and texting started. WS started to have problems at work-at this time- and ended up being transfered all over the place. WS says this is when he started his A. All that time I was working a lot of overtime, which i never before did before. I was enjoying my job. WS even said to get as much overtime as I could. I look back and think WS said this to get me out of the house and to be where he could find me. We still went on trips, to Hawaii, Vegas, Orland, Reno-Tahoe but he would rarely take a day off to just take off, it was a fight. I never thought to look at our cell phone records,I was use to him having a Dept cell. On 123009 I walked into to our bedroom to fold laundry and saw him laying on the bed and immediately put something under the pillow, he then ran out saying he had to go to the bathroom. I looked under the pillow and looked through his phone, only saw a stupid text. I didn't do anything, I guess I froze. I did try to remember the number, to check on it later, then 01-01-10,DDay, I looked at the cell records I called him at work and demanded he come home (it was also a primo-pay day), which he did, and it hit the fan. He seems remorseful, has been taking me places, we have date night, just came back from the Bahamas, planning another trip to Vegas, which we both enjoy. I just wish he would be more truthful and open about his actions then, instead of me finding things out like a detective, which I am not. He says he doesn't think about her and wishes he could have that time period blocked from his memory, me too. To me - he just wants to sweep it under the rug and not fix what went wrong in him to begin with. Its like, I don't care what he did, but why he crossed the line. He says he never called the OP or to end things but OP changed her phone number- :). I called the OP and left a message which I never received a call back. I was nice and to the point, kept saying to myself "act like a lady". Wonder if she got the hint.I now,keep repeating to my self what i saw someone post on of the forums- "THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL", and so far we are. Now, we text, call and send each other pictures. We do more things together. We even talk more. I have even gone out to where he works, just like a buckle bunny, except that it's "my buckle" and I am his "bunny". This is a 2nd chance I hope we can beat the odds.

[This message edited by ginger123009 at 10:13 PM, October 3rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: south central texas
ginger123009
New Member
Member # 29509
DOH!  Posted: 9:19 PM, September 29th (Wednesday)

FAR TOO MANY PO'S CROSS THE LINE INTO INFIDELITY WHICH IS WHY ALOT OF PEOPLE SAY THAT. I BELIEVE THERE IS A VERY SMALL NUMBER WHO DO NOT STRAY, THAT MAINTAIN THE HONOR, INTEGRITY AND LOYALTY. THEY MADE A PROMISE TO PROTECT AND SERVE AND SOME CARRY THAT INTO THEIR LIVES.I RESPECT THOSE WHO HAVE, JUST WISHED I KNEW WHO THEY ARE. I HAVE SEEN TOO MUCH TO HAVE NOT SEEN WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN MY MARRIAGE. I DON'T LIKE THE FACT THAT MY ROSE-COLORED GLASSES ARE BROKEN. HE BROKE THEM WHEN HE CROSSED THE LINE. FOR THOSE WHO MAINTAIN UR INTEGRITY "THANK YOU" IT HELPS ME BELIEVE THERE ARE REAL GOOD GUYS AND GALS.

[This message edited by ginger123009 at 10:20 PM, October 3rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: south central texas
Herzschmerz
Member
Member # 29805
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, October 8th (Friday)

My WH is LEO too. He was promoted to detective last year. His A doesn't directly have to do with his job. But a traumatic event while on the job helped set the stage for the A to happen. His department did not offer adequate help in processing through the incident, and the incident has caused a lot of additional and ongoing stress and trauma for him. So he escaped into a fantasy world to avoid having to deal with it. And that's where OW came in to the picture. She became yet another fantasy world/escape for him.

My WH is a huge compartmentalizer, which I think is a key element in why he cheated. LEOs and other emergency personnel tend to compartmentalize a lot, because it's necessary to keep their sanity given all of the stuff they see and experience. But, there are many officers out there that learn to shut off the compartmentalization when they're at home, and it's not appropriate or healthy. My WH, unfortunately, has not learned this yet.

I do fear that WH is at risk for developing other EA's with female coworkers he considers friends. He will often say that they understand him and the work in a way I never can, because I don't do the job. He doesn't get that this attitude (particularly with other women) sets him up for distructive behaviors, secrecy, and misplaced emotional intimacy. He's a ticking time bomb, unless he finally gets that.

It hurts even more because, outside of our marriage, WH is a very good man. He is extremely good at his job, and is known for his high integrity. He's not a hot-head, he doesn't abuse his power as an LEO, and he is well liked and regarded in the department. He's even a "good guy", and has a lot of integrity with his friends and family. But, when it comes to me, for some reason he turns into a lying, cheating, selfish (possibly narcissistic) jerk who engages in behaviors he KNOWS are wrong and hurtful, because they make HIM feel good. It also pisses me off that I've sacrificed a lot for his career, and worked hard to help him be successful at it, and this is how he repays me... He's going to have a hell of a time, if he ever loses me, finding another woman who not only is as supportive of his career as I am, but also understands it as well as I do (without being an LEO themselves -- and I don't think he could handle being married to another cop).

[This message edited by Herzschmerz at 5:55 PM, October 8th (Friday)]


Me: BS (32)
Him: FWS (32)
DDay 1: 06/04/10 | DDay 2: 10/02/10
OEA plus another texting EA
Together 15 yrs, married 4
One beautiful baby girl together

Fully in R! (and successful Retrouvaille "grads"!)


Posts: 403 | Registered: Oct 2010
ginger123009
New Member
Member # 29509
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, October 22nd (Friday)

For those BS I found a book, its call "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring. It seems to have helped me deal better with the hurt and lingering pain. It has helped me talk to him and he seems to be listening this time. He still gets upset when I bring up the subject of his A, but at least right now he is listening. Hope this help someone out there.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: south central texas
GeminiDream
Member
Member # 30027
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, November 20th (Saturday)

I guess it's time to out myself...

I'm the BH, a Corrections Supervisor in a Georgia State Prison. One of the OM was my shift OIC.

Anyone care to guess how many times I was in close proximity to that POS while I was armed? It still amazes me that I'm not now doing a 20-year bid.


"If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe it's all true. Knowing that you lied, straight-faced, while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe."

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2010
NC_FOOL
New Member
Member # 29863
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 21st (Sunday)

I'm a Police Officer and ex military. My wife served in the military as well. Being a PO is very hard on a marriage.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Oct 2010
shocknawe
New Member
Member # 30153
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, December 5th (Sunday)

I am both a BH and a PO. I have been a PO for 12 years and never cheated. My WW had a PA with one of my fellow POS for years while I was working midnights.

I think that anyone who wants to use the job as an excuse/reason for an A is just fooling themselves. You may have had more opportunities for a A due to the uniform but you would have probably had an A no matter what line of work you were in.

For my brothers and sisters in blue who are having, have had, or are considering an A I would like you to think about this. We took this job it was not thrust upon us. But when we accepted the job we were instantly held to a "higher standard" than the average person. Everything we do from that point on, both on and off duty has to be above reproach. If you are found to be a liar and a cheater outside of work then your creditiblity at work will suffer. If you are lucky it will only suffer in the eyes of your fellow POS not the courts or public.

POS, we are usually our own worst enemies when it comes to how the public sees us and it drives me crazy. If we can't make the right decisions in our own lives, outside of work, with little to no stress, then how can we expect the public to trust that we can make the right decisions when someone's life is at risk.

Life, much like work, is pretty simple. Right vs. wrong, leagle vs. illegal, moral vs. immoral. You are a PO and I expect you to do what is legal, right, and moral 24/7.

Brothers and sisters stay safe, watch your six, and good luck!


Posts: 8 | Registered: Nov 2010
KylieK
New Member
Member # 29922
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, December 5th (Sunday)

Hello everyone I am new to this site and I was really happy to have found this Forum. I joined this site about three months ago after finding out that my husband was Emotionally cheating on me, so he says it was just texting, which I have doubts but he is an Police officer and the cheating was with a co-worker of his. I cannot tell you how many years that I have joked about how awful the divorce rate is with this profession. And we almost joined this Rate just recently. I do still have my doubts as to if it was just texting and am still hurting very much. It is really hard to trust him now when he goes to work. I am really hating his Job now.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Wellsville, KS
GeminiDream
Member
Member # 30027
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, December 7th (Tuesday)

I buried one of my shift officers tonight -- killed while driving drunk.

He was a BS, his WW ran off with her drug connection and left him alone with their three young children.

This year just sucks.


"If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe it's all true. Knowing that you lied, straight-faced, while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe."

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2010
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, December 18th (Saturday)

I am 2 years out from d-day. I am a BS, FWH is a LEO. WE went to a department party last night. It's been 2.5 years since d-day. I should be fine- right? Wrong!

Those of you who have been to a LEO party can relate.

I sat there and watched all of the LEO's who I know have cheated and I watched them act all bravado in front of each other trying to see who was more masculine. Not once did any of them, except my FWH, walk up and put their arm around their wife! I doubt many of their wives know their husbands cheated, just like I never knew. It was like their wives didn't exist. The wives were all gorgeous (dyed hair, thin, dressed well in an obvious attempt to get some much needed attention from their husbands). Their husbands are so lucky to have them and don't even seem to care. They obviously cared more about what their coworkers thought, and having a gorgeous wife is just part of the expectations of their ongoing "pissing contest".

It reminded me so much of how FWH used to treat me. I cried when I got home. I cried for the wives that were there and I cried for the wife that I used to be. Before I found out about the A, I just wanted affirmation from my FWH. His LEO buddies and their approval always took a front seat. I was just eye candy.

Why do LEO brothers do that to each other? How sad that 2.5 years it can send me into a downward spiral so badly that I cried myself to sleep and am still in bed right now.

FWH said he just wants to chake some of his LEO buddies and shout "you're going to lose her"!


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
willhechange
New Member
Member # 30492
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)

Lets see my H was the PO and he had an affair with a PO. He was the commanding offier. He told me that she understands him better because she knows what PO go through everyday. I am still trying to understand what he goes through. He had an affair a month after we got married! He alwys blames the uniform! THey still work together and I am still struggling!


ME: BS
Married 22 years, together 27
Two kids, boys, age 15 and 17
Dday: 10/30/07, again in 2008, 2009, 2010, has not stopped seeing her since
Can't figure out why I am still with him, except for my kids
ow: CO-WORKER

Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Kentucky
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)

He alwys blames the uniform!

willhechange : He doesn't deserve to wear the uniform They don't all do this; in fact, most don't do this. It's blameshifting; the brokeness is in him, not as a result of wearing the uniform. Don't let him get away with this.

As for a co-worker being the only one who could understand him--bullshit! I knew everything about stbxwh's work when he was a PO; he held nothing back and we talked about it alot. Unfortunately, stbx's downward spiral started when he had to retire due to an injury; he became a CO here in our adopted state, and the rest is (our) history.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
heart_in_a_blend
Member
Member # 24191
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)

I don't have a vent I only have praise.

During 2008 I went through DivorceCare. The man that was the leader of my support group was a office of the law. He was so broken hearted and sincere I think I almost fell in love with him.

He was one of the most special people that helped me get through my greatess pain.

I didn't me to t/j this thread.


In life, much of what one grieves one never had.

Posts: 3036 | Registered: May 2009
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday)

There's good and bad in every walk of life; I'm glad you had a good experience with a LEO. It's always a good thing to dispell stereotypes.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)

Survivinglies - wow I can relate to that even tho I've never gone to a LEO party - what you've described seems to be very consistent with what I do know of his coworker's (and apparently his) attitude.

My thing with this job continues to be the lack of accountability for their time and when the AP is a coworker, well, that's not good...

Peace to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
played-a-fool
Member
Member # 29476
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)

I'm a BH and a PO. I saw this thread a long time ago but decided not to post on or even read it because I knew there would be stereotyping. A job does not a man make. I've been on the job since 1991 and my job does not define me. I still have my integrity, honor, and morals.

I don't really know what I wanted to accomplish by posting here but I do hope that people will see that LEOs can be hurt too and we do have hearts.


Me - BH
Her - FWW
Trying to R

Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.


Posts: 635 | Registered: Aug 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)

Played a fool: I agree with you 100%. I hope you didn't take offense to anything I said, I'm not trying to stereotype, but my H definitely does hang out with "that crowd" at his precinct (just like I'm sure there is "that crowd" in other professions).

The issue I have with law enforcement is the opportunity that is present - the freedom of movement, the ability to come home whenever you feel like it by saying you got an arrest, overtime, etc. The inability to call your spouse ona landline and know that he is actually at work, not just on his cell phone, God knows where.
Again - I have the greatest respect for that job. I remain very proud of my H as far as how he performs his job, it's how he abuses my trust under the guise of working (which appears plausible) that just frustrates me.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)

Respectfully, it's baloney to say that being a police officer gives more opportunity to cheat than any other profession--what about truck drivers? What about doctors? Even WSs that work at home get out and cheat.

I think the perception comes from the Blue Wall of Silence stereotype perpetuated by the media. Yes, it exists to some extent, but it's not all-pervasive. The other stereotype is that LEOs are all under such enormous stress that they can only vent to their co-workers; once again, I call bullshit. I heard EVERYTHING from my stbxwh when he was NYPD.

I know in my heart of hearts as sure as shit that I knew he was cheating with the skank nurse as a CO at the prison (and still is), I also knew that he was 100% faithful when he was a PO; he even had a female partner and my faith in him never skipped a beat.

My stbxwh was in a horrendous accident while a PO; because of this, I got to know his superiors and co-workers extremely well. I also became intimately familiar with the rhythm of precinct life. LEOs are no more likely to cheat than any other walk of life.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)

For the record, I never said they were more likely to cheat than any other profession. I said they have opportunities to carry on an affair undetected, which, while not unique to law enforcement, is not necessarily typical either.

For example, I work and while I have some freedom of movement, I couldn't for example ever say I was working on New Year's Eve and be with another man. I couldn't come home from work at 1am without a million questions being raised, etc.

To me, the reason for this forum is to share some of the common problems, etc that are shared by families of LEO and that is all that is being done.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)

Point taken, Allgoodnamesgone. Do you have access to his pay stub? Most departments have them on line now. If so, you can see when he's earned OT and track it to see if it meshes with his times absent from home.

I used this to good purpose when I was in tracking mode with stbxwh; he's in corrections now, and I set up the online acct for him, as he's a computer moron. He forgot that I had the passwords. Most likely you can't see the date he earned the OT or took the errant vacation day (my scenario) but you can see totals and track that way.

stbxwh told me he couldn't get off on his b-day to celebrate with me, but he did take a vacation day during that pay period, and his b-day coincided with OW's day off--go figure!


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, December 23rd (Thursday)

Thanks for your suggestions, Sad.
Yes, after A LOT of resistance, I now get his paystubs.
The problem that I have, which I do not know if it is typical in other precincts or not, is that they have some free time where they are not really working, they are socializing, but the time is not deducted from them either.
I'd rather not get into details, given the public nature of the forum.
So, maybe that's why I sound so agitated when I post here.
Anyway -no offense meant and I wish everyone a happy holiday!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
played-a-fool
Member
Member # 29476
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 23rd (Thursday)

I've been on the job a long time and I have to admit that when I first put on the badge there was a lot of womanizing going on. I've seen and heard things that made me ashamed to be associated with some of my coworkers. That has changed, at least in the part of the country I live and work in. This job has done a lot of changing. It is now much more professional and people are held accountable moreso now than ever. Years ago there was still this thin blue line thing but that line has been shrunken over the years. The stress of the job and the reations to the stress manifest themselves in ways that most people cannot understand, but infidelity cannot be blamed on that.

Have I had opportunities to cheat? Of course. I probably do have more opportunity than people in other professions but when ones character is strong, temptation is only momentary. I am glad that I can count myself as one LEO that has never cheated on his wife. I only wish I could say that I had never been cheated on.


Me - BH
Her - FWW
Trying to R

Trust is difficult to earn but so very easy to lose. It's a gift that should be treasured and guarded.


Posts: 635 | Registered: Aug 2010
furba
New Member
Member # 30562
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, December 30th (Thursday)

I am the BS of a WS who is a fed. agent. When I married him, he was a job counselor making much less money. I never make a big deal about people's professions in terms of status, power, etc. I appreciate anyone who makes a good, honest living. Every once in a while he will ask, "Can you believe you're married to a fed. agent?" Believe me...with the hours, the damn cell phone ALWAYS ringing, I'd rather the old profession. And now I am in disbelief. While on a temp. assign. overseas, he was with someone else. He says there was no phys. contact. I don't believe him based on google history seaches I've done on his computer, etc. He is surrounded by infidelity at work and I always felt so lucky that I didn't have to worry. He would come home and tell me about the indiscretions of his coworkers. How stupid was I???? He's at work now picking up foreign police officers at the airport. He is getting them settled at their hotel and then they may get a few drinks. Totally sucks. It's like the good old boys' club. They're are so many women who throw themselves at these badges. It boggles my mind!!!!!!


BW (Me) 37
WH 39
Married 14 years, together 17
2 children
D-Day 10/12/10

Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2010
furba
New Member
Member # 30562
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, December 30th (Thursday)

Also, I think b/c I never made a big deal about his job, he needed to feel powerful with a "badge bunny" who was willing to tell him what he's wanted to hear all these years. Makes me sick!!!


BW (Me) 37
WH 39
Married 14 years, together 17
2 children
D-Day 10/12/10

Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2010
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, January 4th (Tuesday)

Furba- I can relate!
I worried that making a big deal about my FWH's profession would just make his head already bigger than it was and add more drama to my life than I wanted. I agree that he really grew hungry for affirmation and it seems there is always a badge bunny ready to provide it.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
Eyeore
Member
Member # 30615
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, January 5th (Wednesday)

My WS is in law enforcement. He would tell me about all his friends at work who were having marrital problems. He said they were all getting divorced. I always thought he was jealous of them because they were starting their lives over. All the while he was in the middle of a long term affair. Stress, my ass. You give them a gun and they think they are superman. The rules don't apply to them.

[This message edited by Eyeore at 6:34 AM, January 5th (Wednesday)]


Me BS 51
Him WS 49
M 24years
2 sons
D-day May 2010 (LTA)
TT 2/11
"He and his whore did the crime but I am the one serving a life sentence."

Posts: 366 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: New York
willhechange
New Member
Member # 30492
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, January 11th (Tuesday)

My stupid WH said he was going to kill himself after I threw him out the first time, we were sitting in his patrol car and he was on duty. Of course two weeks later I found out that he slept with the OW after he told me he was going to kill himself for what he did. I know you will think I am horrible, but I told him that next time he wants to kill himself, please make sure he is on duty and make it look like a fight or something so that I can get all the insurance money for me and the kids!


ME: BS
Married 22 years, together 27
Two kids, boys, age 15 and 17
Dday: 10/30/07, again in 2008, 2009, 2010, has not stopped seeing her since
Can't figure out why I am still with him, except for my kids
ow: CO-WORKER

Posts: 10 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Kentucky
ginger123009
New Member
Member # 29509
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday)

It has been 397 days since WS confirmed the A. I still have bad days. I have even had days when I actually felt happiness. But something will trigger me. Do I believe my WS?? No. WS intentionally, knowingly and willingly crossed the line. WS knew what he was doing and did it willingly, just like a criminal. WS always said that when we met, WS never went out with anyone else, but as I look back, WS said that as if it was my fault. To me, WS is full of it, there were plenty of opportunities to go out with others. WS was always jealous of other LEO's who would take advantage of the women who would present themselves. A friend asked me if I loved my spouse, all I could say was "I don't know". I really don't know if I do, or even if I want to stay with my spouse. I feel all my spouse is doing is trying to find another way to do it again. My spouse now seems to be acting like before, being honest and truthful was only to pacify my staying and keeping his retirement. My spouse has shown some emotions, but only when I press for it, and will still not talk about what he did or why, there is always one excuse after another as to why, never the same story. My spouse will not read anything, refuses therapy, cuz someone said it was stupid. I have purchased books, printed out articles and even showed this site, but still refuses to do anything. In sarcastic terms the OP was a "real winner". I would have thought that my spouse would have been with an OP that was better looking and smart, or at least have a job and pay their own bills, instead it was, well, a real Loser.
Makes me feel I must be one too, but I know better. When I retired from my job last year, I was given a beautiful send off and lots of gifts, which showed me I was not a Loser and I was smart and not stupid.
So if any LEO's are thinking that the one on the other side was/is really worth your time and attention, THINK, about what your doing to your family and yes,the friends who actually believe in you. You will lose those friends and possible your family. It will be as if You are committing a Crime. That you are a Criminal and need to be locked up for your crimes.
Don't get me wrong I still have believe there are good LEO's out there, its the bad one's who mess it up for the good ones.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: south central texas
redringlett
New Member
Member # 30283
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, February 5th (Saturday)

I posted this on the military deployment page but no one seems to check that so, since my WF is in the military police I figure you may still be able to relate. My WF is a Master at Arms in the Navy. He works about 60 hours a week and often has training on his days off. His job can be extremely stressful. During the past two weeks he had to report to a fatal car accident and to a report of an unresponsive infant. The baby died of SIDS right in front of him. He also has dealt with calls for suicide attempts and domestic violence. He is stationed in Japan, and I am here in the U.S. I guess what I'm getting at is: do you ever feel guilty for trying to get your WS to talk about trying to work on your relationship or about his/her misdeeds, when they already have so much on their plate? I feel like he just can't emotionally deal with this right now. Thanks so much!

Posts: 20 | Registered: Dec 2010
GeminiDream
Member
Member # 30027
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, February 8th (Tuesday)

I feel like he just can't emotionally deal with this right now

This is very compassionate of you, and yet...

He still, somehow, has to deal with ALL of it. Fixing him for you is his first obligation, right?

Any normal person would feel some guilt about adding more burden to a donkey's back -- the donkey didn't ask for it.

A man who loads up his own burden, especially at the expense of others, is a different critter.

Compassionate, yes. Guilty? No.


"If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe it's all true. Knowing that you lied, straight-faced, while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe."

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2010
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, February 8th (Tuesday)

FWW here. Please forgive my ignorance, I have a question/concern:

BS has expressed to me on more than one occasion that he wants to be a PO. One of my biggest concerns, besides his safety, is that as a PO or someone in the Law Enforcement field, how would my A affect him now?

By this I mean, I have heard TONS of stories from several different people about the things that happed with POs and agents and their spouses. It was pretty much afirmed here with what I've read so far.

I'm not worried that my BS would ever have an A. I know I wouldn't have another one as well. F that. My concern is him having to hear all the stories all the time. People joking or bragging, etc.

It's hard enough for him as it is to go through this as a BS. He doesn't think it will bother him, but, I don't see how it couldn't.

Besides that, I'm of course worried about his safety and how he'd also manage seeing abused families all the time since he grew up in one. Any advise/suggestions?

I know I'm sounding selfish by discouraging his dream, an admirable one at that. But, I can't help but want him all to myself! I don't want to say "I told you so" when it's too late!


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, February 9th (Wednesday)

Stilllovinghim: In my case, I do not believe it's an open bragging, or open discussion about infidelity at my husband's precinct.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
lolitalola
Member
Member # 31099
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, February 10th (Thursday)

Oh I am so happy to find this thread! I found out only a week ago that WH has been having an affair and lying like crazy. I hacked into his email and she's 23 and a rookie cop. :(((

He says that he's initiated NC but she works at the station and they were seeing each other in between etc.

How the heck will I ever have trust again with the shift work etc? He's not living here, moved out a week before D-day to 'get space' and I am still trying to 180 and get my head round things.

And the last couple of months because he's only been out 3 yrs as a cop, I was blaming the job for the distancing, not wanting to talk about problems and lack of affection....

[This message edited by lolitalola at 5:36 AM, February 10th (Thursday)]


BW - 37 me
WH - 34 him
Children - 6.5 and 20 months
HB baby due Jan
WH moved out 26/1
D-day - 3/2/11
Second D-day 3/3/11~~~!!
D-day three - 14/3/11
D-day 4 - 13/4/11 - had an email account with her address in it but nothing was sent.
In R...

Posts: 155 | Registered: Feb 2011
Allgoodnamesgone
Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, February 10th (Thursday)

Lolita: my H is a p.o. who also had an A with a rookie cop 12 years his junior. Before, after and during work (or at least when I thought he was at work.)

All I can say is that if you are reconciling he's got to transfer, if not precincts, then shifts. If your H's precinct is anything like my H's - there's plenty of opportunity for misbehavior and not much in the way of repurcusions, not even the disapproval of their peers.

Also, you would have to monitor his paychecks like a lunatic re: days off, lost time, supposed OT, etc.

Even then, there's no insulating him from it if he wants to do it. So, in addition to the above, you guys would have to work on your relationship and find a way to restore trust.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Lcx8
Member
Member # 31284
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, February 22nd (Tuesday)

My WH is a PO. I've also worked in LE. I've seen first hand the crap that goes on...the beat wives, the PA that occur in association houses, I've even witnessed two PO's going at it in broad daylight on the HOOD of the patrol car!!!! Men have attempted to suck me in too...it's all a conquest game for them. They go to the station and with all there freedom they become different people. My WH took a department cell phone and department car and made it his 2nd life. One keylogger program later I broke the law and hacked his work email to find all my proof:( don't get me wrong...there are a LOT of good cops out there becuz I've seen them too...it's just hard when I've seen it all myself...they get younger and younger too


ME-BS
HIM-WH
Multiple ddays (way too many to list!)
Filed for D: 12/29/11
on my way to freedom:)

Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: CA
ginger123009
New Member
Member # 29509
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, February 25th (Friday)

I recently purchased a book titled "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. I got it for my WS, who has yet to read it, but I have read it and it helped me. I told my WS, the book is written in plain language that even he could understand it, which I said in a nice way, I was not being mean. My WS still refuses counseling, so I buy books. The books help me which in turn I tell him about and he actually listens. Hope this helps someone.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: south central texas
fairytaledied
Member
Member # 12727
Flame  Posted: 1:32 PM, March 1st (Tuesday)

I have now read though this entire thread. I am truly saddened and royally pissed at the moment. I see so many generalizations in this thread and it literally made me sick to my stomach.

I see things like

You give them a gun and they think they are superman. The rules don't apply to them.

and

next time he wants to kill himself, please make sure he is on duty and make it look like a fight or something so that I can get all the insurance money for me and the kids

While I understand that some of you are new to your pain, I also know that we are all responsible for our actions, comments, and beliefs.

I am the definition of the "emergency services trifecta" I am a PO, firefighter and a paramedic. Each of these professions have high rates of a multitude of marital problems for various reasons and yet here I sit....the BS in our situation. I am the one who remained faithful through everything. I could say all kinds of things right now about those who are at home and not working the job. I could say that they are all ungrateful, unknowing, with complete lack of understanding of anything that we deal with, adultress whores with nothing else to do but screw people while i'm at work doing what I've been trained to do.

HOWEVER, that would be a huge generalization of a lot of people including a lot of you here who are hurting and to be honest, it really doesn't apply to most of you. I would also argue that most of the generalizations i've seen here don't apply to most PO's as well.

I might be a little sensitive due to the fact that I get yelled at for doing my job and I get yelled at if I don't do my job and I get yelled at when someone else knows my job better than I do and I get yelled at when I get home for not being emotionally available when SHE needs me. What about when I need HER? When I needed HER the most, she was off screwing some other guy. I"m sorry if some of you have been hurt. I'm sorry if a lot of you don't understand what THIS world is like. But you really need to stop and think about what our world is like. If you need some help in this area, read "I love a cop". I forget the author's name but it's a great book. there is also another book called "emotional survival for the LEO" Mandatory reading for our dept and I made my WW read it as well.

About A's, everyone is responsible for their own actions I just really hate to see generalizations when clearly I'm the example of why there shouldn't be generalizations.

Beaten wives, I've seen beaten men as well but they aren't nearly as publicized.

Superman.....not likely and I don't believe i'm above the law and I really resent anyone telling me otherwise.

Badge Bunnies do exist: I've been approached by them several times and have always found a reason to say no even in light of my WW's affair. I AM ABOVE THAT!!

Sorry for the rant. Mods can certainly remove this if they feel they must but I had to get this off my chest.

FTD


Me:BS
her:WS
D-Day:11-10-2006
OFFICIALLY RECONCILED AND LOVING LIFE AGAIN.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Nov 2006
wifeno2
Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, March 17th (Thursday)

I am the wife of a LEO. He had an affair with one of the analysts. She is married. She has also had affairs with three other men in the department (in the year since she married her current husband) prior to my WH. It turns out that at least 4 other men in his department are also having affairs. This is department that requires a lot of secrecy and sneaking around. I am curious if this tends to lead to more infidelity.


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Red  Posted: 7:37 AM, March 17th (Thursday)

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Red  Posted: 7:38 AM, March 17th (Thursday)

And I will take a moment to remind you of the very first post in this thread...


There will be no venting ABOUT officers, as we have several BS's here that are officers and it would be hurtful to them.


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
LOSTinaBook
Member
Member # 30309
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 6th (Friday)

Okay, I'm trying to wrap my head around this thread.

I was searching through ICR because lately I don't fit neatly into any other forum (I'm separated and on the fence about R or D)

I saw this thread and immediately got scared. My WH met his AP at work. His job is a major trigger for me, but I would never ask him to leave because it's his family's business. So basically I have to decide: am I going to accept his job and R or not accept and D.

He has decided on his own free will that he is leaving his job.

He has decided he wants to be a state police officer and takes his test in a week and a half.

I am a teacher so have worked events with POs (they're in most high schools)and usually love working with them; great men and women. A couple of weeks ago a fellow teacher and I were working a sports game and there were 2 POs on duty. One of them told the other teacher she was cute and he wanted to take her out on a date. The other PO said are you crazy?! This guy is married with 3 kids and wants to take her out on a date! The PO made a joke of it, but I was disturbed by it, considering what I'm going through (most of my coworkers don't know I'm separated).

Anyway, my point, I thought wow cheating is so commonplace every where you look! I didn't make any sort of connection to infidelity and Law Enforcement. However, when WH said he wants to become a PO, this is the first thing that came to my mind! I started wondering, is this what happens when they're with their partner and are feeling cocky? What if they don't have a grounded partner like this PO did to bring him back down to reality and say "hello! you have a wife! you have a family!"

So I guess now that I've rambled, my question is this:

This thread is to provide support because you are affected by infidelity and you have some sort of association to Law Enforcement?


fBW-me, 26 (now 29)
xWH-he

Divorced.
S (H e) B E (L i e) V E (d).


Posts: 318 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: East Coast
GeminiDream
Member
Member # 30027
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 17th (Tuesday)

LOSTinaBook, sorry about such a delay in response. I hope you still check the thread now and again.

This thread is to provide support because you are affected by infidelity and you have some sort of association to Law Enforcement?

That's it, exactly. LEO's share common experiences, trials, problems. It's the 'Band of Brothers' effect.

Unfortunately, infidelity is common in the business, but it's notable that it affects both sides of the marriage.

Myself, I'm a BH. The OP was my shift supervisor. I know several officers at my location that have been cheated on. I also know several officers that have cheated on their SO's.

Infidelity is an integrity issue. Job-related stress may be a factor, but at a persons's core, regardless of his/her vocation, low integrity and selfish thinking is the determining factor.

Your SO wants to be Po-Po. If he earns that badge it could be the best thing that ever happened to him. But, if he is predisposed to adultery, and lacks the inner integrity to be true to you, he'll follow that path no matter what he's doing for a living. On the other hand, if he's seen the light, this may be his time to shine.

The stress of the job can place enormous burdens on a marriage. Are you both strong enough to go through it?


"If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe it's all true. Knowing that you lied, straight-faced, while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe."

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2010
Linds
New Member
Member # 32385
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, June 4th (Saturday)

I am new here and this is my first post. I'm not all up on what the abreviations are, so I will write it all out.
I was married 8.5 years before we decided to divorce.
Ex worked for the family business before decing to go back to school for LE.
While in school, and then after, he was different. His first EA was while he was in school.
Not sure when the OW came into play, if it was during or after we decided to D, but a month after he moved out, he moved in with her. She is also a PO. 6 months after that they bought a house together.
He is a POS and I am better off without him. It has been a little over a year since out D was final.
I still struggle with the 'loss' of it all.
All while he was doing this, I was working my ass off and had 2 small children, who are 13 months apart.
Everything has to be done his way and its more than annoying.
I am struggling lately with the lonliness. I miss feeling like part of a unit. Or I want to feel like I am part of a unit.
I met and talked with the OW for the first time recently. She seemed nice. But I left and was upset. She has the house, the dog, the guy, etc. Even though I don't want the guy and never really liked the dog.
As I pull away from their house, and drive back to my apt.
I just want to be done grieving. I want to fully move on. But don't know how. Does it just take time? I don't know.
Thanks for letting me vent.


34 years old.
Kids: 5 year old and 4 year old.
Divorce date: 5/2010

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2011
GeminiDream
Member
Member # 30027
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 5th (Sunday)

I just want to be done grieving. I want to fully move on. But don't know how. Does it just take time? I don't know.

Linds, that's it in a nutshell, isn't it? We want a normal life again, one without the memories and pain and grieving. Everyone's different; we all process things individually based on the coping skills we learned (or failed to learn) as children. Time seems to be the one common denominator.

For me, getting above the grief -- not past it, but above it -- was possible only when I fully grasped the simple concept that "It Is What It Is."

Many others here can identify with you. Post and read... Folks here will support you.

Wishing you healing and happiness.


"If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe it's all true. Knowing that you lied, straight-faced, while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe."

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2010
browniegirl
Member
Member # 31985
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, June 23rd (Thursday)

I am just jumping on this thread but I haven't read through it yet. I don't want to offend any officers here, but as a rule I do find many officers to be defensive and closed off to emotions. I realize that closing off the emotions at work is necessary in order to do your job, but at some point that necessity comes home with some officers and it is very hard on the families. Also, ordering your spouse around is not a good way to handle your spouse. You don't order another adult around, unless you are in a position of power over that person. In a marriage, you are not in power, you are supposed to be in a partnership. I just wanted to say that I know there are many of you who are wonderful, but my WH is not one of them. He attempts to order me and our son around (DS doesn't respond well to this), and he is fairly emotionally unavailable. The man doesn't know how to handle negative emotions well.


Browniegirl

BW- Me 41
WH- 42 (Striker9)
Years together- 18
Years married- 14
D-Day 2-11-11 plus TT thru 5-11
1 11 YO DS
Trying to Reconcile


Posts: 280 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hurting
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 12th (Tuesday)

Well, my H is an officer, but didn't have an affair. However, he did leave me - walked out on me and my kids.

He said in our first counseling session that part of the problem was his KISA. He knows it. When we married, I was right in the middle of my custody battle for my son. He felt so needed. He said that when it was all over, it was a relief for all of us, but then it creeped in that he no longer felt that I needed him for anything other than helping around the house, running the kids around, etc... then he began to feel more "used" than needed.

He is the only child of a mother who is extremely over-mothering. She worships him... and I'm not exaggerating.

Add that to the fact that he is small in stature (although I think he's HOT as hell)... I think he has some sort of "man" complex that he hasn't gone to the inside to fix. I think becoming a cop, feeling "big" helped that. But in our marriage, he wasn't the overbearing type to order anyone around - that was ME. I think my personality tapped right into those insecurities that he has never truly dealt with, and he felt "small"

Now - he blames me for that... and I'll take some of the blame, but it is also something inside of HIM that he needs to look at and own, and work on.

He has terrible self esteem, and did admit that to me on occasion. The problem is, he also held me responsible for it.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19682 | Registered: Aug 2006
lou_lou
New Member
Member # 32668
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)

Thank you sooo much for this thread. My husband has been in LE for six years. I knew him before he was a cop, and I have to say it really hasn't changed him all that much. He always compartmentalized his emotions. The OW worked with him as a Probation Officer, and is a known badge bunny. She began actively pursuing my H even before we were married. She was married as well, and I think she was using my H as a way out of her marriage and into her fantasies about being with the badge.

I, in no way, excuse my H behavior in this situation. He should have been the one to stop what was going on and he didn't. That being said, OW has yet to take any of the responsibility for her role in destroying her marriage, as well as almost destroying mine.

Women tend to look at the uniform and think how wonderful it would be to have a cop for a husband. They don't have the slightest idea of how hard it can be and what a strain it puts on your relationship.

If I ever run into the OW, I would have to tell her Thank You, because while she thought that she could steal my H away from me, she has ultimately brought us closer than we have ever been. So the joke is on her.

[This message edited by lou_lou at 6:11 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)]


BS(me) 28
WS 33
OW 29
DD March 6, 2010
R Nov 24, 2010

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2011
GeminiDream
Member
Member # 30027
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, September 24th (Saturday)

bumped


"If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe it's all true. Knowing that you lied, straight-faced, while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe."

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2010
debi9kids
Member
Member # 33208
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, September 27th (Tuesday)

Hi everyone.
New to this thread. Have scanned through, but not read the entire thing...

My WH is PO. Has been for 19 years. His A started in Dec '10 when we moved. I moved into another state with the kids, 3 hours away, because the financial strain of living in NJ was just too much for us with 9 kids. (so he had an A and made a baby with OW. Cos that helps )

Anyway, something I definitely agree with are the badge chasers... can't tell you how many times in the past my WH came home and would joke and show me numbers women had given him after being on a call (ugh! He was wearing his wedding band and they still gave it to him!)

Also must say that the job... it does almost encourage being unfaithful. Or, at least the officers do.
My husband was actually in a "porn club" with his buddies where 5 or 6 of them would exchange porn DVDs each week.
OR, they would go to each others bachelor parties where the guys would actually hire strippers that would perform sex acts together or on them! (did they not see the irony in themselves paying for something that was illegal? Why do they think they're above the law???)

When my WH's buddies found out about his A (because I went public after being threatened by OW) they joked around, told him he was an idiot, mostly because of the OC and not because he had 9 kids and a wife at home.

Worse, I called his PBA President (Union) and told him what was going on and demanded that my WH be given leave so that we could work on our R his PBA Pres said, " I'll have to look into that. We've never had a wife decide to stay after their husband cheated. Normally they just take the money and run."

How sad is that?


Me: 42 Him: 41
OW: 43 (crazy stalker)
Married: 18 years, together 22
Children: 20 ds, 19dd, 18dd, 16ds, 15ds, 15ds, 12ds, twins: 7dd & 7ds
confirmed OC 3ds

Posts: 163 | Registered: Aug 2011
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, September 27th (Tuesday)

Also must say that the job... it does almost encourage being unfaithful. Or, at least the officers do.
My husband was actually in a "porn club" with his buddies where 5 or 6 of them would exchange porn DVDs each week.
OR, they would go to each others bachelor parties where the guys would actually hire strippers that would perform sex acts together or on them! (did they not see the irony in themselves paying for something that was illegal? Why do they think they're above the law???)

When my WH's buddies found out about his A (because I went public after being threatened by OW) they joked around, told him he was an idiot, mostly because of the OC and not because he had 9 kids and a wife at home.

Not so gently, honey--this can happen in any situation; it is NOT inherent to LEOs. I'm not a LEO, but a long-time LEO spouse--the X was both a PO and a CO. Please don't blame the job; it's definitely a tough one-LEOs need to find stress relief, but most don't turn to infidelity for it. If anything, infidelity leads to more stress.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Mypoorboys
Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, September 27th (Tuesday)

Hey Sad in Az,
Let's be honest here for a moment and give debi her reprieve!
Yes, certainly not all cops are Adulterers, but there sure are a fair share in each dept..
Yes, other professions as well, but I have found that the numbers of LEOs, especially beat cops in college towns, have a better and easier time chasing all types of women.
What I can't figure is why do some view it as a challenge to chase after the married ones with young kids, (as in my sad situation).
I think debi is somewhat correct.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, September 29th (Thursday)

Perhaps in your town its normal, but it's a serious insult to the LEOs on this board and to the many friends I've made over the years in law enforcement. Very few of them cheated or 'chased skirt'. My X did not do it while he was a PO, and he was in NYC where there is no limit to 'available' females and badge bunnies...

I can understand from a limited viewpoint that you might feel it's rampant--the X now works as a CO in a state prison, and from his description, it is rife with infidelity, but that is also his limited contact with COs in his unit within a large prison within a very large prison system.

Tread lightly here; we do have members of the force as BSs on this board...


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
ThisIsUnreal
Member
Member # 33375
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, October 2nd (Sunday)

My STBXWW had A with PO. They met on internet forum as she wanted to be PO.

When I found out about A, she had just started applying and did false R. I put her through tryouts, the academy and probation. When her probation ended I discovered another pattern that she claims was "just friends" but a month later I got the 'I don't love you speech.' She has two kids from previous marriage and her current weekend/nights schedule corresponds to current custody days. She has no idea what she just did to herself. I suspect in a month, she'll love me again. Too late though.

She's in for a rude awakening. She has never managed a budget. Doesn't know how much things cost.


Me: BH 46
Her: STBXWW 36 - affair in 2008, 2011
Married 5 years, 2 boys.
DDay: 1/3/2009
Big TT: 7/17/2009
Next DDay: 5/8/2011
Divorcing

Posts: 82 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Phoenix
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 2nd (Sunday)

Thank you for this thread. First and foremost, let me say I have always respected his job, and NEVER blamed it for his drinking problems or affairs. Yes, it's a stressful job if you do it well, but many jobs are stressful. If you're 'open' to cheating, you will have no trouble finding affair partners, regardless of what you do for a living. That being said, My WH has been a PO for a long time. Through counseling, he discovered he has the KISA problem, which neither of us ever heard of. WH's job allows for a lot of unaccounted for time, and interaction with OW via face to face time, or cell phone. I can look at his usuage all I want, but he truly has to communicate with SO many people, it's almost impossible to truly monitor. I would imagine it's the same fear spouses have in other lines of work. These days, everyone has cell phones, email, or they spend a lot of time with members of the opposite sex during work. Pretty much everyone can figure out ways to have to have time that isn't accounted for. The KISA problem, however, is a little easier to disguise. A PO is supposed to help people, so I never questioned it for a minute. In fact, I was proud of his desire to help in any way he could. Now, after two affairs and several inappropriate relationships, we do have to watch for warning signs that he is crossing the line of communicating more than necessary. WH knows he gets 'sucked' in easily by a 'damsel in distress.' As for the damsels, it's easier for them to justify as well because again it's his job to be helpful. OW will 'ask for help' right under my nose or in front of my face! They will call his cell phone just to say hi and 'ask a legal' question, and not think anything of it. I get that, but it's just something WH have to monitor together now, to watch for signs of problems. WH still has a tendency to 'minimize' the overtures that a 'damsel' will make. WH still doesn't always 'get' what a potential OW is trying to do by unloading her problems on him. Again, I don't think the KISA effect is limited to PO's, it just seems like it's easier to disguise or hide behind the job.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
smoke fire
Member
Member # 33478
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, October 3rd (Monday)

Error

[This message edited by smoke fire at 9:04 AM, October 3rd (Monday)]


Me- BW 43 years
Him- WH 43 years
Together 20 years
Married 15
DS 12 years
DDAY-- who cares
Status: 2 year roller coaster!

Posts: 792 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Arizona
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, October 6th (Thursday)

I look at this thread not so much for bashing or berating the job for causing or contributing to infidelity. It's more support for spouses and LEO who have to deal with the fallout of the stress. It's the old emotional blackmail of "Don't have a fight with your LEO spouse because you don't know if you'll see them again." It's a form of rugsweeping that sets the tone for the M.

Any relationship needs open communication; when you shut that down, there is bound to be trouble.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Mypoorboys
Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, October 7th (Friday)

You all know the truth, but just don't see through your own, 'Fog'.
When a person decides to step over that line! It's their decision, not yours.
There is something inside the Adulterous person that we cannot see, but the result is always the same; pain, and betrayal.
Repeat offenders, regardless of how some asshole psychologist justifies the motive with a dumb acronym, doesn't change the reality of it all!
Come on! Get Real! Some of us are very nice, loving, trusting people and then there's the rest.
As for you Sad, you continue to ignore the statistics.
I'm not bashing all LEO's. Quite the contrary, we need them, but must weed out the amoral, scumbags that do not follow their own code of conduct.
The damn PBA union is so strong, that it is virtually impossible to fire some of these incompetent abusers.
We, as citizens, have the right to confront this type of behavior in an individual who has taken an oath to protect!, not destroy society.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 7th (Friday)

I feel your pain, MyPoorBoys, but I'd love to see your 'statistics'. It's very easy to lie with statistics...


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Mypoorboys
Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 7th (Friday)

As you shall ask, you will be shown!
Send them to you on Monday.
Again, I'm not singling out a particular profession, just making a point.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, October 9th (Sunday)

Sad in AZ, I think you 'hit the nail on the head.' Stats are just numbers, not people, and are open to interpretation and mistakes. It can be a tool to look at, but I don't see it as a focus for me, JMHO. I want all of you here on this thread to know that I support all officers, spouses, regardless of whether you're the WS or not. If we all reach out, and if that helps one marriage, then it's worth it.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, October 9th (Sunday)

I think a lot of misconception comes from the fact that police officers (as well as other high stress professions) have a higher rate of divorce than most other professions. This statistic does not mean that cops cheat more often--infidelity is not the only reason people divorce.

When the X was in the NYPD, cheating would not have been tolerated in his house; I can't speak for any other precincts. Now, he's a corrections officer and cheating is rampant in his unit; once again, I can't speak for the other units. Also, this information about the prison is anecdotal based on statements by the X; he could have it all wrong

From my own personal experience, the X is not the only police office in my extended family; there are at least 20 others that I know of, but he is the only one that I know has cheated. I could make a fabulous statistic out of that statement, but I won't...


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Mypoorboys
Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, October 10th (Monday)

For Sad in AZ,
Sorry for your situation. You asked for statistics. This is what I have found, but please keep in mind that my pain is directly at a particular person, he just happens to be a LEO. Yes, therefore I see things in a different light and I apologize for that shortcoming.
Info;
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2010/03/14/how-to-find-the-most-fulfillingcareers
http://boingboing.net/2010/03/10/most-adulterous-prof.html
and a published journal artical;
'The Remains of the Workday', Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol 63 No.4(Nov-2001)p.1052.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
Mypoorboys
Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, October 10th (Monday)

Funny conversation I had this past weekend in a convenience store with a local officer.
Just asked him regarding his depts code of ethics regarding on and off the job behavior and chasing skirts.
He got very defense and asked me if I was referring to him! lol. Guess he must have some ghosts in his closet!
Needless to say, I did not pursue further and he said, 'I don't like the direction this conversation is going in'.
Left it at that and he left.
Funny
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, October 10th (Monday)

Holy shit, MPB-how would you feel if someone came up to you and asked that question out of the blue?

I think you have some severe boundary issues...


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, October 10th (Monday)

I reviewed your citations, and they are just opinions, not facts. In fact, the last published study just reinforces my statement--cops have difficult marriages because of stress, not infidelity.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Mypoorboys
Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, October 11th (Tuesday)

Yes Sad,
Cops have difficult jobs, like others in other professions, that lend themselves to higher divorce rates.
How many are due to Adultery on the LEOers part is unknown.
Also, the question I posed to the officer was not an affront to him, just an inquiry.
Finally, I have already acknowledged that certainly not a large portion of LEOers are Adulterers, just that the LEOs I know,and there are many, have told me they all know of someone in their respective depts that behave improperly. Stess yes, no one is perfect.
You cross the line, then you should be held accountable, end of point!
Our social fabric is being ripped apart at the seams. The family unit is under attack.
We don't need people in positions of authority, (Politicians, LEOs and everyone else of the same ilk not be held accountable).
The laws should be changed and morality and virtue reinstituted within our hallowed halls.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
Mypoorboys
Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, October 20th (Thursday)

Strange silence on this board.
Everyone on vacation?
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, October 26th (Wednesday)

I am new to posting on these boards but been reading for about a month now. I just found this one though.

I have been in LE for 28 years, seen it all on both sides, devoted family men & women betrayed and the serial cheaters who can't/won't stop.

I think one of the problems is the schedule & weird hours make it easier to be on either side. I know in my case he had so many opportunities due to my being forced over at work. The OW saw her opening and grabbed it.
I now invoke my seniority almost every time, if I don't that thing in the back of my head - where is he, who is he with - makes it hard to concentrate.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 933 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, February 8th (Wednesday)

Anyone have a LEO that became a compulsive liar? FWH says it comes from having to stretch the truth to get answers from criminals... wondered what others thought about this?


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
Alwaysknew
Member
Member # 34808
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, February 22nd (Wednesday)

Surviving~ On my end he was a pathalogical liar before he became a leo. Becoming a LEO taught him how to be better. Have you ever had to "toss" your LEOs car for clues?


BW 32
WH 36


Posts: 199 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: United States
momdaughterwife
Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, February 22nd (Wednesday)

I may have posted here before, didn't check to see and can't remember for sure. My FWH is a LEO. We've been married almost 20 years; the length of his career. He had honesty, alcohol, and boundary issues before his LEO job, however. I believe the years of stress and bad schedules have played a role in his decline. That being said, he loves what he does. I also have a high stress job that relies a lot on playing the numbers game, with low pay as well. Double stress with both spouses did not help our situation. We also come from broken homes caused by fathers who were serial cheaters. As with most people in our situation it's difficult to pinpoint ONE thing. There are so many factors. The stress, low pay, long irregular hours, etc. of the LEO can provide the right environment for an affair, but I believe there are certainly other factors at play as outlined above in most cases. The hard part for me: He has to call and email SO MANY people. It's almost impossible to totally keep tabs. Also, there are a lot of times where he is off and I'm at work, or he is working and I'm asleep. It cuts the ability to communicate and bond down quite a bit. Living this life, the life of a LEO spouse comes with so many unspoken worries. People seriously think they drive around and eat donuts or drink coffee. He could write a book of the scary, deadly, crazy, etc. stories, as most LEO's could. If you try to explain these stories to anyone who is not part of this life, it's hard for them to truly grasp JUST how challenging it truly is. I'm not much for statistics. We are both so sick of the numbers game in our jobs. Be safe out there. Come home to your families. Help people. The rest will work itself out. Peace to all of the LEO's and their families tonight!!!


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
Mypoorboys
Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, March 9th (Friday)

motherdaughterwife,
Nice story with a somewhat happy ending, but it wouldn't be the same if you were on the receiving end of a divorce caused, (in part, 50%), by a LEO.
Of course there are stresses in most jobs. There are jobs more dangerous than LEOs as well, but we, as children of GOD, should never, ever forget that GOD gave us the ability to make choices.
These choices have consequences. That is what separates us from the lower animals out there.
Yes, again, we are molded by our environments, our pasts, friends, but most of us have a built-in self defense mechanism that kicks in when we start a family.
That is what is under attack in our society. That and the ease at which conscience becomes a misdemeanor.
I forgive, but I do not forget! Neither should you.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
exwasacheater
New Member
Member # 18996
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, March 11th (Sunday)

WOW!! well it was my EX husband who was the dog but i am now married to a good man who happens to be a LEO, he is a honest and loyal man despite his job....the the previous poster it soumds as if you have a HUGE problem with LEO in general....not ALL LEOS are cheaters.I do agree alot are but there are alot who love their spouses and wold never cheat.If you had walked up to my hubby and asked that he would have not been happy either!

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2008
DontTreadOnMe
Member
Member # 35240
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, April 5th (Thursday)

LEOs are not necessarily cheaters. However a lot are broken inside and turn to vices to feel "normal"...whether they be sex, drugs, alcohol, dangerous activities, etc. In reality most just don't know how to cope with such a screwed up life.

[This message edited by DontTreadOnMe at 9:07 AM, April 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: WH/BH, 27 (addict in recovery)
Her: Lost333, BW/FWW, My DDay: 2/19/12, Hers: 9/29/12

Working on myself through IC, NA meetings, intensive outpatient program, and lots of digging. Praying for R.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
zoebell
Member
Member # 35142
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, April 23rd (Monday)

What a trend LEO have regarding the need for adrenaline rush!

My WH told me no big deal! Just wanta to see if he could like everybody else, well he did then said it was just sex!! Oh yeah that made it better!!

I wonder why certain professions don't mandate a sex/marriage counseling program to help these type personalities.

I work in the Medical field where it is also seen among "professionals" to wander. I have not

Guess it's about knowing who you are and what matters

I wish I could understand better why a spouse wanders and what it is about the uniform that makes OW not care if they are married or not


BS-46
WH-47
4 G:2his 2 mine

Posts: 52 | Registered: Mar 2012
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, October 15th (Monday)

Psychology Today had an article in its August edition, "A New View of Affairs". In it the author claims that the macho cultures found in 'drug enforcement and police work" rank those professions at the top of those most likely to have affairs. "Sheer opportunity" is also a key factor. LEO's have both of these things because of irregular schedules, cop groupies and male/macho work enviorn. My WH is a narcotic officer, he fits the PA profile to a T. His department even has a special code "924" (technically station detail) to denote a girlfriend/not the wife. Anyone else read this? Thoughts? (I would link it if I were more computer adept)

Posts: 541 | Registered: Sep 2012
AgainandAgain
Member
Member # 34835
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, November 11th (Sunday)

Didn't read that article but it makes me sick. My husband tells me all the stories of the guys and the groupies. What's worse is the damn groupies at work. They act as if they have no class and just will screw any officer who gives her the time of day. So many affairs and I don't think any of the guys haven't cheated.

It just makes me sick.


Posts: 206 | Registered: Feb 2012
SecondHelping
Member
Member # 36796
Angry  Posted: 8:22 PM, November 18th (Sunday)

My WW AP was a LEO (see below). he lied to her and lied to his Chief of Police when I ratted him out.

He told Chief that we were D'ing and there was no physical contact. Both of which he knew were lies.

He used his police account to communicate with WW and said some explicit stuff in the emails. (I saved them and gave them to Chief of Police). He still lied.

I know he got a reprimand, but not sure what it was. Whatever it was, he deserved more!!!!!!!!!


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 468 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
jimbo25319
Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)

I'm a LEO. At my agency if you were untruthful about aspects of an investigation, you were gone.

Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)

Nice job Secondhelping! I like that you took the initiative! I work in court and see hundreds of criminal trials; alot of cases come down to which witnesses are most credible. Letting a jury know what a good liar the LEO has been to his family and Chief would be very relevant information. I gave a class to a group of new deputies last month and specifically advised that on the more serious cases investigators would contact ex-wives. Police officers who are serious about their careers need to realize that lies in their personal lives can/may affect their ability to testify.

Posts: 541 | Registered: Sep 2012
SecondHelping
Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, December 6th (Thursday)

Tuns out he just got a slap on the wrist. It appears he didn't even get demoted.

What can you do? I guess even though the Chief of Police was extremely sympatheic and kept me informed, he didn't (or couldn't) do much.

Sucks.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 468 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
hopeandchange
Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, December 10th (Monday)

posted on wrong thread.
Peace to all the fine Law Enforcement Officers.
h&c

[This message edited by hopeandchange at 4:39 PM, December 10th (Monday)]


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 10th (Monday)

That's tough to read, h&c. Here's to you in hoping this holiday season brings you some peace.

Posts: 1915 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
SecondHelping
Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 4th (Saturday)

I did a Freedom of Information request to get the punishment action. As expected, the city denied my request.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 468 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Amberdawn
New Member
Member # 39157
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, May 10th (Friday)

I just found several very inappropriate text messages and a picture between my H who is a PO and a female PO. someone who is about 15 years younger than him. She was also a good friend of the family. Or so I thought. He had a PA with a non police officer about 11 years ago. We have been married almost 18 years and have 3 young kids. Here's the kicker... We live in a smaller community and I am a judge here. This dynamic totally sucks! The OW family is in law enforcement too. She is not married, but is engaged. Her fiancé is not a PO. But he is loaded financially. I'm not even sure how to react to all of this.

Posts: 43 | Registered: May 2013
SecondHelping
Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Amberdawn,
I am sorry for your situation. None of us deserve to be handed this mess. For me, I've developed a complete hatred for POs now.

From what I read here POs are very prone to affairs. They have access to people that feel they have power over them and they have a superiority complex that makes them feel entitled to affairs.

This may not be your case, but I hope you get help here on SI and in counselling.

Being in a small town is the worst. I can't bear going to the small town where fuckface is the DCP. My fWW still goes there all the time, presumably to run into him by chance.

Edited to remove venting about POs.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 8:18 PM, May 20th (Monday)]


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 468 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Amberdawn,
Congrats on being a judge! I think that's awesome. I am thinking of throwing my hat in the ring in a couple of years but I don't know that I'll make it. Having the AP as a PO when you are the judge must make you have to disclose and conflict. Does everyone in the town know? We lived in a "city" of 3,500 that was very remote. Everyone knew everyone's business. If the whole town already knows I would think your WS and the AP would no longer be effective as LEO's in anyone's court. Credibility issues anyone? I am very sorry for your situation, my WH is a PO but we now live in such a huge city that he never testifies in my court and no one knows anyway.

I don't think that LEO's have any special propensity to cheat (lawyers are always high on that list too). What I have read about cheating is simply those with more opportunity cheat more. Odd and long hours and close work relationships are going to be the real culprits. Hang in there! You have a big city fan over here wishing you the best.


Posts: 541 | Registered: Sep 2012
SecondHelping
Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Tuns out he just got a slap on the wrist. It appears he didn't even get demoted.
What can you do? I guess even though the Chief of Police was extremely sympatheic and kept me informed, he didn't (or couldn't) do much.

Sucks.

I recently found out the Police Chief runs a personal business out of his office on city time. No wonder he didn't get IA involved; they may find out about his corruptness too. I bet the whole force is this way.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 468 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, September 6th (Friday)

Wow, I just discovered this thread. I have been a PO for 19 years. I am a supervisor and met my wife, who worked in the jail. I worked with her for several years and all was fine. I get sent back out to the road as a shift supervisor and she has an A with one of our co-workers. A MCOW with a lot higher rank. Someone she messed around with before her and I got together, so yes, it is rampant where I work.

This has nearly destroyed me. I knew when we started seeing each other that this was her "method of operation." Other married men at the department. I too was married and left a 21 year marriage to be with her. I truly, and still am, deeply in love with her. She is remorseful and trying. No counseling yet, but, we do plan on it. She gets mad when I tell her she has a pattern with cheating with married men, but, has acknowledged it recently as a problem.

Law enforcement was, and for the most part still is, more of a mans profession. Please don't hate me for saying this. When I see women enter into this field, married women, most, at least a high percentage, cheat on their spouses. My best guess is something to prove or can be equally as wanting to put the notches on their belt so to speak. Men in this field feel superior and love the attention from women the uniform brings. My field training officer told me from day one, "the badge will get you a lot of pussy, but, the pussy will also get your badge." It will also ruin a marriage. I have witnessed this in myself and many others!

I can't believe it happened to me, but, now I'm not surprised after I think of it in its entirety.

BS-49
WW-33
DDay-07/21/13
Dday#2-08/15/13 second phone!
Trying each day.


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, September 6th (Friday)

I don't want to offend anybody with what I wrote about it being a mans profession so I will clarify. After I retread it it sounded terrible. What I meant was, the ratio is one sided. So many men to so few women.

I witnessed it myself that some of the women in law enforcement try to be the "One" that gets the attention. It is very catty between the women where I work. Sorry for the misrepresentation. Women in law enforcement are just as professional and hard working as men. I work with some of the best and am proud to serve along side them!


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
SecondHelping
Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Smokehouse, you sound like a decent guy. I view all cops as crooked now, but as I meet more decent cops I hope is restores my faith in the profession.

"the badge will get you a lot of pussy, but, the pussy will also get your badge."

I guess my fWWs AP forgot the second half of this phrase...or knew his friend would take care of him. I recently found out he helped catch a bank robber a day or two before fWW started having sex with him. Maybe she did it as a reward to him. Who knows.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 5:17 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 468 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

Here's something fun for LEO couples who are reconciling: travel or just host families with the International Police Association. My WH is the LEO and this past year I have been anxious about spending time with our friends who KNOW but we have made a lot of new friends from all over the world with IPA. Almost everyone travels in couples so it's nice to meet up with your counterparts from other countries. So many of our experiences are similar.

Posts: 541 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 272