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User Topic: Codependant Support Thread
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 21st (Thursday)

For those personally experiencing this.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Stop
Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, May 22nd (Friday)

The definitions I have read place my WW squarely and firmly in the addict category (sex and gambling) and the definitions of codependent fit me. I was attending Coda briefly but have found Cosa and started those meetings this week instead. I am also seeing an individual counselor. I am learning a lot from books and from these forums.

I could use some specific advice from those of you who have been where I am.

The books and Cosa tell me I shouldn't decide anything for a year (roughly)

My WW is acting out, is verbally abusive, is flagrant. She wont admit anything but her lies are ridiculously transparent.

She blames me for all her problems and seemingly has no doubt she is entitled.

We are mature, very mature both over 60. Married 21 years. She has been gambling for the last 9 and has been progressively accelerating her sex addiction the last 5 months. She has gone from porn, to webcam to cell phone, to accepting invitations to fly and meet guys she met on the porn site. She is usually the aggressor. (I have a key logger)

She is kind of classic in that she was abused as a child (gang raped) and again as a teenager by her PSYCHIATRIST. Also a dysfunctional family several siblings are addicts and or alcoholics.

MY codependency issues are with her only but they have been classic as well. I am learning how to deal with myself and am not creating a hostile environment (I did for a while)

Anybody want to predict the probabilities here? Or give me some advice or tell me a success story? I don't want a divorce but I sure don't want this.

I read they have to "hit bottom" what is bottom for a female sex addict? She isn't going to get arrested and the guys pay her way.

I love this forum, very knowledgable folks who have been there. Help me if you can and have time. TY :)


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 23rd (Saturday)

No help 4 you here. But I asked the MODS for this...THANKS!!

My psychiatrist has help me to see where my co-dependence came from. I have always known what it was, but didn't think I fit that description.I see where I had a mild case from my family of origin FOO, but It increased over time with bad relationships..this M being the worse. can you imagine my First M, dream wedding beautiful child and I married a SA...they can't even commit!

I am trying to gain my footing by leaving; S-ing. But I fear his manipulation will lock me into a bad situation legally. Should I want DS spending so much time with an SA, Sab, passive agressive manipulator!

Well his manipulation is swaying me that way.

Well, I figure the D papers are already written if S doesn't work out, I will file D...I have a year.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
Stop
Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 23rd (Saturday)

Sofresh,

I have just finished the best book I have read to date on CoSAD. Maybe you have it maybe you don't? "Mending a Shattered Heart" by Stefanie Carnes

Great information and very logically presented.

AFter reading her book I am better able to put other things I have read on the forums and other books in perspective. The sections on leave or don't leave were eye opening for me.

Also my SA wife is manipulative, verbal abusive, and if anything seems at all off base it is and was entirely my fault :)

I assume some of my CODA is the result of learning to avoid the tongue lashings (her sex addiction is recent but her gambling is years old)

I am changing my act this week. Trying to build new habits.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, May 23rd (Saturday)

Stop,

I've not been in your exact situation, but I've lived with an SA. I don't buy into the do nothing for a year thing while the addict is actively using and denying their addiction. Sure, maybe ayear once they recognize the addiction, begin getting sober, get into a recovery program.

Right now, your W is on a path of distruction. She's using marital assets and exposing you to lord only knows what kinds of people, dangers and diseases. It sure doesn't seem like good self care to just sit there for a year.

At a minimum, if it were me, I'd do something to protect my assets (legal sep?), move to separate quarters, even if it in the same house, refrain from any sexual activity, etc.

Self-care.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Stop
Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, May 23rd (Saturday)

JustWow thanks for the response I need it :) The books etc seem to say I will never get her attention until she crashes. Well a lot of men crash of this but idk what would bring a woman to bottom. I don't see a lot of women getting arrested for exposing themselves and she doesn't have to spend any money obviously like the men do.

What do you think will bring a female SA to the bottom? Maybe some dread std ( I don't need that obviously)
She doesnt want to have sex with me right now anyway but I certainly cant now without std testing on her.

Wat a nightmare. I need this at my age like I need , well teh clap or something. Besides I love her dammit. And I just teared up typing that :(


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, May 23rd (Saturday)

Stop,

I don't think I am a co-dependant, even though all the books say that by definition, because I am with an addict I must be one. Something you said stuck out to me:

The books etc seem to say I will never get her attention until she crashes.


Right now, it really, sadly , isn't as important that you get her attention. What is important is that you recognize her illness is right here, right now. That should get your own attention, and you should prioritize taking care of yourself. Pretend that she is NEVER going to get sober and treatment. So what do YOU need to do for YOU if that is the case.

Lord only knows what or when is gonna give her her "Come to Jesus" moment. You can't afford to not take care of yourself in the meantime.

I'm so sorry, brother, I do know your pain.

-JW


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Iwillrecover
Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, May 24th (Sunday)

Hi Stop,

I may or may not be codependent. What I do know is that I am in a relationship with a SA. He is going to SA & SAA & I'm going to S-Anon. We're both new at this. I am going to the meetings because I think it might help & because the books say I must be a co-addict if I am with him.

There is a forum in "I Can Relate" for spouses of sex addicts. Do you know it? I get a lot of help there.

Also there are CSATs which are certified sex addiction therapists that can help you with therapy whether she chooses to go or not. They can help you set boundaries & consequences. Perhaps a separation will be her bottom.

I don't think it's healthy to do it or other boundaries to manipulate her because a SA cannot be controlled. It is a good idea to protect yourself though & if you don't want to live with an active SA (I know I don't) then what do you have to lose?

Sorry you're in this situation.

IWR

[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 2:56 AM, May 24th (Sunday)]


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
hoping2heal
Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, May 24th (Sunday)

YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH! Finally a forum where I can post all my codependent crap!

Seems like there's a lot of us here crossing over from the Spouses of Sex Addicts forum (goes hand-in-hand, doesn't it?).

I'm also new to realizing just how codependent I am. I'm also seeing how I have codependent issues from my FOO, which was a surprise to me (happy childhood). My H is a recently-diagnosed-yet-unable-to-admit-to SA. I'm trying to let him own those issues and trying to work on finding myself again. We are both seeing a group of CSATS (separately for now) and I just joined a group (run by CSAT) for codependents. It's really been an eye-opener, but every day continues to be a struggle as I analyze, adjust, and try to change 38 years of bad behaviors.

So glad the mods opened this forum!


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
broken11
Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, May 24th (Sunday)

I'm going to my first COSA meeting today and I'm pretty nervous, but I know I need something.

It's been about 3 weeks since I cut off most contact with my WH (suspected SA). We're separated, but talked several times a day. Anyway, he has been going to SLAA meeting and IC (at least that is what he tells me), but found out he is still seeing OW and doesn't think he is acting out since he isn't trolling on the net right now.

This week I hit my low. I'm so depressed. I'm living with my folks and looking for work, and I just am not able to function. I'm so sad that he won't do the work to heal from this and all the stuff I'm learning is driving me nuts. I need to detach and I was doing ok, but now I'm just lost again.


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 25th (Monday)

I am looking for a book that does NOT assume I am or want to stay in the relationship.
I need to heal. My WH knows what's wrong with him...many actually, and he's just now getting help...It sucks!
It'll be years before they get to the bottom of all his issues, and I think he's hit rock bottom before. He will never hit bottom now with OW waiting in the wings. If not her, another innocent Co-Dep.

He's SA, Sab, emotionally abussed, passive agressive, manipulitve, NIT NPD, but definately a boarderline personality disorder.
YUCK


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
broken11
Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 25th (Monday)

I'd love a book for Code's not in R. Everything I read gives me hope and upsets me more because things aren't working out for us.

sigh, i really am codependant when the self-help books send me over the edge.


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
Stop
Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 25th (Monday)

My read of "Mending a Shattered Heart" did not seem to assume R. As a matter of fact I came away understanding that to heal myself, my course is the same staying or going. It's worth a read if you don't already have it.

This book seems like expert analysis based on comparing the book with the individual sories I have read here, heard in Cosa, and lived myself.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
broken11
Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 25th (Monday)

I felt like MASH was a very helpful book, but I think I'd like a book that totally focuses on healing without the addict in your life.


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
Stop
Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 25th (Monday)

Broken,

I am also loving the daily readings in Melody Beatties book; "The Language of Letting Go"

But if you are in Coda you may have this already?


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
broken11
Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, May 25th (Monday)

Stop,

Thanks for the book recommendation. I'm not in CODA. I did go to my first COSA meeting last night, but didn't get any books just some handouts


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
1Forward1Back
Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, May 25th (Monday)

Stop,
Once again you post a great thing! (see my comment in the Sex Addicts thread)

Broken11,
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie is a GREAT book. I was so moved by today's reading and I wondered how I let myself become undisciplined to neglect reading the daily writings when they always inspire me so much.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
broken11
Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 25th (Monday)

Thanks!

I'll check it out.


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
SadMommie
Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 26th (Tuesday)

Hi everyone,

My H or STBXH (who knows) is a recovering alcoholic. He sobered up in August 2007. I am co-dependent. My question - is it common for the addict to be SA too?

Thanks.

[This message edited by SadMommie at 11:01 AM, May 26th (Tuesday)]


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, May 26th (Tuesday)

Sad Mommie:

Multiple addictions are very common among the addicted. Alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex........pick out what applies. Is the fact that your H an alcoholic mean he necessarily is SA, no. But he MAY likely have more than one addiction besides alcohol.

-JW


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
musiclover
Member
Member # 23172
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 27th (Wednesday)

Has anybosy heard of the Karpman Drama Triangle?

soulselfhelp.on.ca/karpmandramatrianble.pdf.

This is an explanation that 2 counsellors gave us to help explain my WW's codependancy on her son. I am the persecutor(I was told by a consellor that any man that came in between them would be demonized & put in this role) her son is the victim & she rescues him. It gets worse for us because, once her son does something, the roles switch & my wife becomes the persecutor & I became the victim. Very interesting


Posts: 1177 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Ontario
NeedingGodsHelp
Member
Member # 23580
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, June 1st (Monday)

He will never hit bottom now with OW waiting in the wings.

And with a family that won't let him!!! How does he hit rock bottom if he feels like he is "free" and livig it up?


How do I know if I am co-dependent?


BS: me 33
WH: him 33
Married almost 9 yrs, together (off-and-on) 18.5 years
4 kids: 1 mine & 3 ours
DD#1: 2/12/2009 (EA#1)
DD#2: 2/26/2009 (EA/PA w/ tramp#2 - since July 2008)
Status: D 5/2010, Standing, WH living with OW, D filed 4/28/09)

Posts: 440 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Climbing out of hell...
Stop
Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday)

NeedingGods Help,

Codependents anonymous has a list of codependent characteristics. I think many of us found ourselves on the list several times. If you google codependent you will find several places that will help you diagnose yourself. www.codependence.org is a start.
You are asking the right questions.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
sofresh
Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, June 5th (Friday)

Hi,

Just realized I am married (Not for long) to a sociopath.
If any of you may be concerned please visit lovefraud.com.

I just began reading codependent no more. I saw myself right away.

I really hope and pray that I can become strong enough/soon enough not to fall for his cunning ways again.

I ahve been through 4 false Rs. Each more convincing than the last.
He always goes back to her. For a long time I thought, 'He really loves me, it's just hard for him." But, now I realize that it's all about HIM. He wants what he wants and that's his new GF AND his son! That woman is not going to PLAY stepmom damn it!
(GOD, how can you have a girlfriend while you are married?!!!!)and how/why do these W put up with it?


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
1stwife
Member
Member # 23926
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, August 2nd (Sunday)

I've been posting to Just Found Out since yesterday morning. Yesterday was a real eye-opener for me and I'm not sure why I was able to finally come out of my co-dependent fog and really figure things out for myself.

Several years ago my husband told me he was unhappy and wanted to move out of our home. I practically lost it, but somehow found myself in CODA meetings. I went weekly for almost a year, but really got little from it. I read Melodie Beattie's books, but once again got little from them.

Night before last my WH and I had the mother of all fights. The reasons behind it are long and I won't bore you with them here as you can read them in the just found out thread under "final d-day".

The important thing is I spent the day doing other things but as it progressed I noticed the familiar pangs of what I can best describe (in drug parlance) as "Jonesing".

Back in my youth I experimented with lots of drugs, but the worst for "Jonesing" was coke. Boy, after about 20 minutes you're ready to do whatever you have to for another hit. That's exactly the way I felt yesterday.

I decided to go NC with my WH for the day. He was supposed to go to a plant to meet the "guys" (new consulting job). I thought a Saturday field trip was suspicious since he's got a new online "friend" and that's really what started our latest blowup. Anyway, in the course of maintaining the NC I kept getting that feeling of wanting a "fix". I held firm until late in the evening when I went to hear my DS play in his band at a club in our city. My WH is very jealous of our son's budding musical career and refuses to go hear them play putting me in an awkward position if I go so I've not been going. Last night as the band was rockin' out I dialed his work phone and saved some of the music. When it was quiet enough for my voice to be heard on the recording I said "eat your heart out MF...that's your son" and hung up. He'll hear it Monday. I felt better, but soon the "Jonesing" came back.

Now I can say I truly understand what being Co-dependent means and how that is so me. I got up this morning and printed out the 12 steps and the 12 principles, but the printer is out of ink and there was a third thing yet to print. But I can do that tomorrow at work where there's tons of toner and no one will mind.

I'm so ashamed to admit that I'm addicted to my WH especially as I don't find him (at least not right now) to be a very admirable person. In fact from what I can tell talking to people who know him, I'm about the only person in his life that he could consider a friend. Well, okay there is an old OW that hangs around waiting for phone calls, but she's probably sicker than I am.

So here I am guys. Ready to roll up my sleeves and get to work. Anyone else out there interested in joining in the fun?


I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!


Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2009
1stwife
Member
Member # 23926
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, August 5th (Wednesday)

I attended my first CODA meeting since 1995 last night. Codependency has previously not made a lot of sense to me but my "fog" is lifting and I think I'm beginning to recognize how it affects my life.

There was a woman there who is has the same problem as my WH so it was very insightful. We spoke after the meeting and I practically begged her to come again as I think we can help each other. She was hurting and I was hurting it was interesting to see the other half of my problem in a form to which I could relate.

As far as my WH I got my "fix" last night and will be using him and it to keep myself stable until I can extricate from the relationship. I realize now that whether or not I still love him (or ever did) I'm addicted to him. NOT healthy, but in order to maintain my daily routine which is high stress I must keep the status quo at home for the time being...as I work through a withdrawal plan. I'm going to think of it as methadone.

Hope anyone out there who's reading this will pray for me as I'm scared, scared, scared.


I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!


Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2009
IRN2006
Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, August 5th (Wednesday)

Besides Melody Beattie, Pia Mellody is the notable codependency author. She's got a good workbook to go along with her book "Facing Codependency."


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
1stwife
Member
Member # 23926
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)

Thanks IRN2006 I'll look her up. Anything to help.


I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!


Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2009
imtrying
Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, August 6th (Thursday)

1stwife, I'm right behind you. Haven't made it to a meeting, but have been reading a lot, and recently had to admit that --
uh
yeah,

houston, I have a problem.

I have taken any and all behavior from my very recent X (who I Jonesing for less each day, but have not had more than a day without SOME Form of contact, and that often includes him sleeping over. And from the relationship before that, and from my long and lonely marriage. And so on.

I've always called myself "loyal" because I am rarely the one who leaves, and when I do, it's because the writing on the wall was written with a jackhammer.

I try to fix him, I do research, I distill that research down and give him reports, explaining his problems and psychology. I need to talk about him to others, and talk about the relationships.

My compulsive need to hold onto and stay in bad relationships has cost me nearly all my friends, jobs, family members, health, nearly lost my home, and has damaged my relationship with my beloved son.

And it's all gotten worse since my brother (who was combo brother, best friend, and father figure) died, for no reason that we can figure out, five years ago at age 46. He and I talked almost every day, and were extremely close.

And then I wonder - why such a dependence on my brother. That's a form of male attention, in a way...

Anyway, I'm questioning all that I do now. And when i talk about my recent X, like saying, "He needs to see that he's ruining his life with this behavior," I force myself to change it to
"I need to see that I'm ruining my life with my behavior."

Everything I want to say to him, I turn around onto myself.

It's scary as heck. I feel unable to continue without him here, but when he was here, I was stuck in such fear of his lies and secrets that I couldn't do anything either.

When's your next meeting? How are you doing? Why do you feel ashamed?


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
7yrsbetrayed
Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 6th (Thursday)

For anyone who can't find a copy of "MaSH" right now (it's out of print but the publisher claims they are going to reprint)... You should read "Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies, and Secrets" by Claudia Black PhD. It is excellent for wives of SA. She does specifically say in the book that it's written for wives because it's easier to focus that way however she does say that males spouses of SA can benefit from it too.

Also codeps need to learn about healthy boundaries and consequences.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256949&HL=10198
This is vital. You cannot force an addict to seek treatment and you cannot control him/her but you do have a right to set boundaries to keep yourself safe. Stop I think this will be key for you. You're right that the advice of "do nothing" for a year flies in the face of reason. My advice is that instead of doing nothing you work hard and healthy boundaries and consequences. Done properly and in a non-manipulative way it might get her attention. But remember, that would be a bonus and not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is your emotional and physical safety. Make sense?
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
1stwife
Member
Member # 23926
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, August 6th (Thursday)

imtrying...

I can identify with so much of what you have said. I hold my marriage vows as the most important promise I have ever made in my life. I understand that the fact that my WH has broken the marital contract means that I can be "free" (whatever that means to a codependent) but I continue to maintain that I am not responsible for his lack of integrity, but for my own and my conscience as yet will not let me break my part. Sometimes however I think I keep this like of reasoning as it keeps me tied to WH and enmeshed in this unhealthy marriage.

My friends are supportive, but really want me to leave him heck his family thinks I should leave as does our son, but I stubbornly hang on. I see that I'm reliving some of the things I saw in my parents marriage, but cannot figure out how to go about taking care of all the details required to leave. I have begun looking for a house to rent and think I've found something suitable, but just thinking about the little things, like utilities, car insurance, new cell phone contracts just seems overwhelming. I can only do what I can do today and finding the house is all I can manage.

My next CODA meeting with that particular group will be next Tuesday night, but there are groups all over the place and I guess I could make a meeting elsewhere any night, but after work I'm so darned tired I just want to sleep and then of course I feel guilty if I don't cook dinner for WH.

As to why I feel ashamed, it's embarrassing to admit that I'm addicted to a person I guess especially one who disrepects me so obviously.

To 7yrsbetrayed, your information is very insightful and I truly appreciate your insight into healthy boundaries.


I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!


Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2009
imtrying
Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, August 8th (Saturday)

How are you today, 1st wife?

I so relate to what you say about the little things being hard to get done.

I feel utterly at the end of my ability to keep going. I feel like I can't survive if I don't see him, hear from him.

But, I wrote "I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T SURVIVE." I used the word FEEL because I know that it is just a feeling. I know it is Jonesing, or withdrawal or any other term you'd use for a drug or alcohol.

I feel like this addiction to relationships and people who hurt me is going to kill me if I don't get help.

I am admitting to myself but nobody else how very messed up I am. I seem to have given up on life, on myself. I can't even check my purse to see if he stole any cards or money when he came by briefly last night.

I am not going to talk about him, though. I am going to try to divert all attention away from him. He cannot be in my life anymore.

I don't know where to go to get help. I suppose some 12 step thing. I texted a 12 step woman I've talked to in the past, told her I need help getting to a meeting, and she said that i need to get on my knees right now and say the Serenity Prayer to God. This is the only way I can get help.

But that's really hard. I do not believe in God. And she is telling me I must to get help. I get stuck there. I shut down. Then she told me to come to a picnic for the group tomorrow. I don't know how to get out of the house. I don't know how to break this paralysis. Haven't left the house in days.

It feels like I am waiting for him to come rescue me.

I can't seem to let anyone else in. I talked to my mom a bit today but got frustrated with her. I told her I miss him and I know it was right to cut him off but it is really painful. She said,"EVERYBODY in your life feels-"

And I said, "Mom, please don't speak for everyone, just for you."

She said, "Ok. I am so glad that he is out of your life."

And I immediately shut down. I KNOW he is bad for me. I KNOW I should've kicked him out long ago. But right now, why do I have such a hard time hearing that?

I tried to say that it is like he died. I need to mourn. I feel miserable. It hurts. He was my best friend, I thought, but it was all a lie. And she said, "Well, you'll make new friends."

I don't know why, but it made me feel like just hanging up. I don't understand what is wrong with me or where to turn or how to get help.

And I barely saw my son today, because I slept all day. He needs more than that.

And still. I just wait. For help.

From where?


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, August 8th (Saturday)

Hi imtrying,

So sorry you are having a rough time. I know that in meetings I have attended (Al-anon) that you can use HP - Higher Power in place of God and make that higher power anything you like such as nature, the Universe, etc. It's good that you reached out to your sponsor. I think getting out of the house and going to meetings or whatever else you can manage will be a huge help. I also find Melodie Beattie's materials very helpful. "The Language of Letting Go" is nice because you can read an entry for each day and also you can look up a theme in the index and read that day's message. I am no longer with xwh but still read recovery materials every now and then. Hang in there


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
1stwife
Member
Member # 23926
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 11th (Tuesday)

I've had a couple of co-dependent triggers this morning. WH called and couldn't find a black belt to wear with his slacks to work. My Son lost his job...stuff like that. I have a CODA meeting tonight (thank goodness).

I will be glad when Sept 15 gets here and WH moves out. I'm so fed up...

Imtrying...you posted last week and nothing else. Wondering if you are better today?


I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!


Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2009
imtrying
Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, August 11th (Tuesday)

Hi, thanks for asking. Had a rough few days. But finally managed to reach some sanity and have been reading a lot about Codependence.

Also joined an email group for sex/love addiction for myself, and realized from reading all the emails that being able to end the relationship was terrifying for me because it felt like I was walking away from love and attention.

It was an act that forced me to FEEL all that fear and pain that is normally masked by my codependence, or love addiction or whatever.

Once I grasped that, I felt a great relief.

Now the problem is that X may want to move in (separate bedroom) till he has a job and money for his own place.

I am mixed. There is healing going on between us, and friendship seems more possible. On the other hand, maybe I need that distance to really break it off and I fear I will fall back in to being the helper/healer/provider/understander and not take care of myself.

So far, I am doing the work of making sure we are not spending too much time together, or etc. He proposed taking the bedroom next to mine, for example, but I said that I thought he should be on a separate floor. He agrees to the boundaries, but his natural tendencies, when he wants comfort or safety, is to have no boundaries.

Until he feels smothered, then he runs.

So I am looking at myself to see where I start getting anxiety or feelings of hopelessness or great loss - then I try to change things so those cricumstances won't happen. And I usually take a break from him, too.

But, see, now the world is partially revolving around him again..

Glad your meetings are feeling good. That's great.


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
1stwife
Member
Member # 23926
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, August 11th (Tuesday)

(((Imtrying))) This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My heart is with you. Please PM if you need to.


I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!


Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2009
thrown4aloop
Member
Member # 24943
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, August 12th (Wednesday)

Sounds like the books that have been metioned in this section are helpful. I will be looking into reading a few of them
thanks


Me 38
Wh 42
d-day 1 4/08 (EA)
d-day 2 7/09 different OW (EA)
R was going good until 5/09

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2009
1stwife
Member
Member # 23926
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, August 14th (Friday)

Okay, so I'm working my Co-dependent issues last night as well as contemplating the 180 and trying to work it as well. My WH gets off at 4:30. He sent me a message before he left work saying he'd be late, he had some errands to run. At 8:30 I had finished my chores, taken a shower and was in bed. I was thinking about the serenity prayer and listing in my mind all the things I cannot change...you know, other people stuff like that, then thinking about the things I can change, but need courage for.

I had just dozed off when my WH came into the bedroom and turned on the light so I could see what he was out "running errands" for. He had a huge tattoo on his upper arm. Not just any tattoo. This is the logo for his fantasy garage band. Now I have to tell you that this band has no consistent members. People answer ads he runs on the internet and come out a time or two, some actually several times, but no one sticks with it very long. My WH is 47 and decided at 43 his lifelong desire had been to be a rock drummer.

WTF is he going to do with this tatt once the fantasy is gone?

Sigh...Please God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

At least he wasnt' with an OW.


I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!


Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2009
lovedance
Member
Member # 25294
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, October 13th (Tuesday)

I know that I have a lot of co-dependency in me and I know it is from my FOO. I am beginning to see my WH has it too. I think his mom too. Maybe someone can help me understand if this is codep. or just a messed up relationship between mom and son.

Mom is a Christian and so is WH. Both have never believed in A although now WH is in one. MIL was never a mom, just a friend to him. Now, he confides in her and sh says "it's ok that my son is having an A - I just want him to be happy." WH lies about me to make him the good guy getting out of a "bad" marriage though he hasn't filed in the 8 months since he told me he wanted out. I don't want to file due to my own beliefs. He tells her lies so that she loves him and tells him he's great and what he is doing is ok (btw, we did NOT have a bad marriage - just lack of communication at times) and she tells him it's ok without confronting him because she is afraid that he will not talk to him again or she will lose his love. Everyone in the family puts him on a pedastal so they will not confront him about his behavior because they are afraid of him cutting them out of their lives. It is so odd. WH is 30!!!


Me-29
WH-31
OW-21
D-day #1 3/2/09
Separated off and on until 12/31/09 when A ended, WH moved home and NC started
Trying to R...I can tell he is starting to "get it."
I left 2/10 and he filed for D 6/10. Only a few more days until it is

Posts: 158 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: CA
anotherstatistic
Member
Member # 26184
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, December 19th (Saturday)

Hi, my name is anotherstatistic and I am codependant...

There hasnt been much traffic here lately so I thought, in light of my recent confirmation that I am text book codependant, I would get the ball rolling again and see if I can pull some others back in to chat.

My codependancy goes back much further than my current relationship. My father is a raging alcoholic, I am the oldest of 3 girls. We all went through a lot. I was the caregiver and "moderator" in my family. My mother is a wonderfully wise and strong woman and did her very best through those awful years to keep us girls straight, but I guess I felt I needed to help her, allieviate some of the burden and offer her relief from the pain my father was causing.

Today, my sisters and I are very close and each have wonderful families. My mother is my very best friend and I honestly could not live with out her. I dont think my codependancy is (i dont really know how to put this) related to them, at least not in the "negative" aspects of codependancy.

My codependancy is related to my male relationships solely. Particularly my WSO.

My T is super and I am so glad I found him. Last night was my 4th session. He really opened up my eyes to a lot of things.

My WSO is a conflict avoider. I am so desparately afraid that if I leave him be with out injecting my thoughts on how he can help himself that I will loose him. My T says "Well, AS, why should he have to seek help and worry about himself or his responsibilities when you do enough work for the both of you?" WOW.

I am exhausted. I am expending soooooo much energy focusing on what he needs to do that I am neglecting my own needs. I am in essense completely avoiding myself. If I work on him, I dont have time to work on myself. *lightbulb*

It's what us codependants do. I deem my worthyness and validation on how happy I can make someone else. I have even caught myself saying to WSO before, "when I can't help you, I can't be happy.", "I feed off of you, your current state of mind, how you are feeling. And if its negative, I feel negative if I can't pull you out of your funk".

I have spent countless hours of the last 8 years of my life trying to shove sunshine up the guys ass to no avail. Fail, fail, fail.....it started to be my subconcious mantra. Even the most amazingly positive and optomistic person sucumbs to failure after so long....

When I saw that I was a failure at trying to "save", "fix", whatever you want to call it, him, I shut down and regressed...

This is when he said he was at his lowest, this is when he had his affair.

I was no longer shoving sunshine up his ass. I was no longer stroking his ego. I was no longer validating him.

I stopped enabling him so he sought all of that elsewhere.

TaDa...

Wow, blindsided and feeling it was my fault for "abandoning" him, my codependant tendancies once again went into extreme mode.

I think Im done with all that now. I am too pregnant to add to my exhaustion by focusing on his bullshit. He can take care of himself. He is a smart guy and can do his own research and find his own IC and blah, blah, blah...

The words of my IC will forever stick in my head as my "reminder phrase" when I realize I start to do it again....

"why should he do all the work when you are doing it for him?" No Sir buddy, You gotta do it yourself. I didnt choose to be in this position, you put me here. Its time for you to take responsibility for your shit.

And If he doesnt? Well, I will be just fine. I have plenty of support from my family and I am a very strong and capable woman. I dont NEED him to get by.

The thought of loosing him after all of the investment of 8 years is still terrifying. I can't believe I can say that considering what he's done, but that goes to show that I still have a lot of "ME" work to do, and I am more than up to the challenge!

[This message edited by anotherstatistic at 8:20 AM, December 19th (Saturday)]


Me-BS 36 Him-WS 41 (just plain wrong)
hisD-17, myS-13, ourD-3, ourD-born 3/17/10
D-day- 7/29/09

Posts: 397 | Registered: Nov 2009
lsccbean
Member
Member # 5444
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, December 19th (Saturday)

Wow, anotherstatistic!

"When I saw that I was a failure at trying to "save", "fix", whatever you want to call it, him, I shut down and regressed...

This is when he said he was at his lowest, this is when he had his affair. "

Been there, done that! As I read your post, it was soooo similar to my relationship. However, my EX-WH not only had affairs while I was regressing, but had many affairs prior to the start of my healing....I found out about some of them after the final DDay.

The only way I could even begin to heal from co-dependency was to burn the bridge that the 'source' could cross. I had to completely cut my ex out of my life in order to fully work on myself and give me the attention that I needed in order to "fix" me

He is a SA and has NPD He completely drove me crazy for over 13 years

I am now a happily divorced, recovering co-dependent who is engaged to an emotionally healthy SO. He fell in my lap after my divorce and during the beginning stages of my becoming an emotionally healthy individual.

Minimal therapy for me...and, I just read and read and read...learned and learned and learned.

But, once a co-dependent, always one...it is a daily thing that I deal with, but I can now identify my behaviors that are unhealthy and the ones that are not.

[This message edited by lsccbean at 9:08 PM, December 19th (Saturday)]


“A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.” ~Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

http://lsccbean.blogspot.com/2011/12/anniversary.html


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Sep 2004
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, March 20th (Saturday)

bumping to the top for newcomers

I also have been feeling some old codie tendencies lately. The whole people pleasing and not being able to say no. Basically, I'm starting to date now and that means I'm having to say no sometimes to doing stuff with family and I feel very guilty. They were so supportive during the S/D and beyond. I just need to have a life, you know. So this Sun. I'm meeting family but only for a couple of hours instead of the whole day. I feel that is a compromise, I can see them and still do the other stuff I want/need to do. Well, I've felt super guilty ever since saying yes, I can make but no not all day. My mom then wanted to know what things I had to get done - why couldn't I stay longer, etc. I just felt so much pressure. Anyway, feels better to vent this stuff...Need to read more of The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Kjersti
Member
Member # 23316
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, March 20th (Saturday)

Good bump, since I had never read this thread before.

Thank you!


Posts: 1829 | Registered: Mar 2009
Hurt Terp
Member
Member # 26255
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, April 9th (Friday)

The more I learn about Co-dependancy, the more sense the last 15 years of my life makes.

Why didn't I leave after the first affair, the second, the third? It just didn't seem like an option. What would I do without him? A bad day with him was better that a great day with someone else.

I have now put down firm boundaries and am trying to let my anger and controlling behavior go -- that's hard.

I am still trying to talk to him about SA -- he doesn't think he has a SA because his affairs were all EA's. I think he has a SA --- so does my IC.

I know that we can't get better unless he wants to and is trying -- guess time will tell. I am not doing the "reforming" for him that I have always done -- which I guess never worked anyway. Feels strange to let go and figure if he breaks the boundaries, I pack a bag and see a lawyer. I am still trying imagine doing it, but it feels strange and slghtly "dangerous".

I don't hate him or even dislike him -- I feel like he has wasted so many years of our lives and I let him even witht he nagging, bitching and controlling -- I let him. He knew I wasn't going to leave.

The firm boundaries have changed his behavior at least for now -- I think he almost believes that I will do it. Even when I feel scared and upset, I don't show it or confide to him that I feel afraid to leave. I think I also need to own that I have the power to leave without him approval or knowledge.

I have really enjoyed reading everyone else's struggles. It helps to hear that others are also dealing with this.

What are the CODA meetings like? I am not a "hold hands and sing Kumbaya" kinda girl so I am leary of going.


BS - Me
WH - Him
M - 25 years

Too much to take in!!


Posts: 66 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Lost
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, April 25th (Sunday)

Bumping up for newcomers...

Also, I must vent some. I am on the receiving end of codependent behaviors from well meaning family. Post S/D it seems to have intensified as when I was M it was less often. One codependent behavior is offering unsolicited advice. I know this because I used to do this with xwh (alcoholic). Anyway, my family is really pushing for me to move. My lease expires in the next several months and they hate my complex. They think it's unsafe and not the greatest appearance wise from the outside. I moved 3 times post S/D! I am not in a hurry to move again. Why this pressure on me? Also, brought up that I should trade in my car which is almost paid off - without me asking for car advice, etc. Now they are mad at me and say that I never listen to their suggestions, etc. UGH....Will read some Melodie Beattie tonight. Thanks for reading

[This message edited by Why?? at 4:12 PM, April 25th (Sunday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
lsccbean
Member
Member # 5444
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, June 8th (Tuesday)

I let him. He knew I wasn't going to leave.

Yep...he knew I wouldn't, but when the time came, he changed his tune from manipulating me into staying with him, to him wanting a divorce, too Narcissism at its finest And, finally breaking free from codependency!


“A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.” ~Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

http://lsccbean.blogspot.com/2011/12/anniversary.html


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Sep 2004
button12
Member
Member # 29415
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, August 27th (Friday)

Hi, can anyone tell me what a co-dependent is? I thought I wasn't one of them recently until a friend told me about it. Just trying to understand the dynamics better. thanks


me: 29, him: 28
Together 4yrs
He slept with at least 3 women
D-Day - 15th May 2011
"How fickle my heart, how woozy my eyes, I struggle to find any truth in your lies".

Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
schmoop
Member
Member # 29662
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday)

Sorry for the long one... lets get this active again please!~


Hi guys!!~

Not until yesterday did I know I was co-dep. Started reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. *lightblub*

Great read. WH's PA brought me out of my fog and also brought on my detachment phase, as I had kicked him out. Yay me!!!~

I am just starting chapter 9. Anyone who read this book knows that I have read about (absorbed and identified) with the whole care taking triangle effect. I had to stop there, because I needed to face where I was doing it.

BINGO!! --- I wake each person up at the time they want to get up... WHY!!~ because I take care of them. Do I resent it.... not with my son, but with WH... 90% of the time I am resentful!~
I never realized what this was before (this resentment cycle) until now.
*love to melody beattie ~ ever so thankful*

Button~ you posted a couple weeks ago "what is a codependent?"
for this you will get MANY definitions, there are a great deal of types of codep's (so I am learning...)
GO NOW, RUN don't walk to book store, find "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, sit down and read the first few pages... do you identify? Can you relate? --- then my friend you probably are a code" and need to buy this book
The definitions did not help me to see if I was or not, but the stories did.. the identifying did...
Here is a quick one sentence definition "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior"

One of the major things I identified with in the book was this statement ... “have you set a boundry? (I will leave if you do <insert addicts issue here, -drinks/drugs/gamble- ever again --this is usually said in the beginning phases, when you are first finding out about the <issue>) Then have you, moved that boundary line? (He/she did <issue/s> again, and you didn’t follow through with your preset consequence <you didn’t leave> due to any of the following --you can help/they asked for help/they promised not to do it again/you believed them --- THIS IS THEM CONTROLLING YOU and YOU letting them!!

A definition in the book that I relate most to is: “a pattern of copying with life that was not healthy as a reaction to someone else’s <issue>”

How I am today.... I am so hopeful for the life I know I can lead. I am one of the lucky few that was not so deep in my codep acts that I was lethargic and napping and deeply depressed.

Right now I am working on keeping my detachment in love strong -- I am not being obsessed with searching his stuff looking for drugs. I am taking care of my needs first and saying NO! (a word a codep finds hard to say). I am in complete focus to get my codep issues in check. This is my first priority, dealing with his affair is next --- I know I am in shock about the affair, but had it not happened would have I found out I was codep, probably not, the affair brought me out of my fog of being a codep and the cycle would have continued until I was just a complete shell and became the deeply depressed, suicidal codep

I am NOT thankful for the affair--- I am NOT thankful for the hurt and mistrust and anguish

I AM THANKFUL TO SEE WHO I AM WITH DETACHMENT!~

<thank you to threnody for recommending this book to me and helping to recognize my need to help myself, to you I will forever grateful for this> ((hugs))

[This message edited by schmoop at 10:38 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS
Together Since: Nov/98
Married: Sept/09
D-Day: Sept 18/10
Working @ R

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: SK, Canada
schmoop
Member
Member # 29662
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, September 22nd (Wednesday)

epiphany while rediscovering bubble baths <OMG~ what a bliss ... forgot about loving them so much>...

sorry babble there... back to my epiphany....
it is not just his action that caused my codep reaction <his closed-in stoic ways leading me to believe he is about to use sending me into over obsessive searcher to hunt for signs that he is using> but also his non-action ... <being quiet and watching TV ~ ack, what is he hiding.. i know he is hiding something blah blah blah bringing on the resentment when i find nothing> wow what neurotic behavior, learning so much! and seeing it for what it is!


Me: BS
Him: WS
Together Since: Nov/98
Married: Sept/09
D-Day: Sept 18/10
Working @ R

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: SK, Canada
lulykr
Member
Member # 29697
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, September 27th (Monday)

Love the book! Codependent No More. working a 12 step program too. It is working.

Posts: 589 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Gainesville FL
Whisperingwillow
Member
Member # 24550
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, October 1st (Friday)

I bought "Codependent no more" today. I am really really sick and tired of doing the same old same old - that is me trying to save and fix the relationship. I'm fed up with coming up with ideas of how he can show me he is now trustworthy, which he can ignore. I can't seem to stop myself getting into a groove of reactivity and behaviour that I know gets nowhere.

I thought I'd worked through my codependency stuff years ago, but I now realise I have been moderately codependent throughout this relationship. After TA and a couple of years of trickle truth, half truths and half lies, I am now highly codependent. I want to heal; I don't know what will happen to our relationship, but whatever does happen, I know that I want to heal, whatever that takes. I WANT TO HEAL!

Thanks for being here; now back to the book...


Me: BS 57 Him: WS 57 Child: DD 20
Multiple DDays/TT 28 April 2008 onwards. OW1 -PA 5 months, EA 2 years. OW 2 a prostate he paid to touch him PA. Then there was inappropriate friendship/flirtation with OW3. Current EA with OW 4 since 2010 whic

Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: London, England, UK
BnDazedNConfused
New Member
Member # 30060
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, November 10th (Wednesday)

xxxx

[This message edited by BnDazedNConfused at 12:12 PM, November 18th (Thursday)]


Posts: 10 | Registered: Nov 2010
stilluvhim
Member
Member # 21477
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, November 17th (Wednesday)

I had never heard of codependency until I was in IC because of H's A. As I researched more, went to a few CODA meetings and read all of Melody Beattie's books, I just felt relief! Finally I was able to identify what I'd been feeling for many many years. I thought there was something wrong with me. I, too tried to fix everything in all my relationships and my M. I have a library full of self help books. I'm far from recovery and don't know if I'll ever get there. It's been 3 years since the A and a big issue for me in R is that I feel like I'm doing all the work and H isn't making any effort. Well DUH! I've done all the work for him. Last night I told him that I could be a psychologist I've done so much research and read so many books. Reading this thread and the passive aggressive thread made me realize that I have a looong way to go! I'm digging my books back out and re-dedicating myself to not being codependent anymore. It's so NOT fun!
Thanks SI and to all of you who've posted on this thread.


BS-me 47 yrs, WS-him 47 yrs
married 27 yrs.
3 gorgeous girls-24,20, 16 yrs.
PA with 30 yr. old
DD #1 Aug. 26, 2007, DD #2 Sept. 14, 2007, DD #3 Dec. 27, 2007, DD #4 Jan. 28, 2008

Posts: 603 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: los angeles
gonogo1
Member
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, November 19th (Friday)

Well being reading up on this and sure enough. I am Co dependent as well.
" I try to fix him, I do research, I distill that research down and give him reports, explaining his problems and psychology. I need to talk about him to others, and talk about the relationships. ..
My compulsive need to hold onto and stay in a bad relationships has cost me ..."
I will add to this it has cost me my sanity, 20 years of my life.
I have ben trying to fix him, never set boudaries , moved the boundaries, he has me spinning in circles.Boy, Do I feel like I'm spinning.I was in denial until I found out about the A's., now I have to admit I'M Co dependent no wonder I haven't been able to boot his sorry ass out for good.
Now I have other faults as well,ANGER, just identified that when I am angry that instead of me saying to myself that one of my boundaries has been crossed-what do I do, react ,not say to myself now what is that, why do I feel that way and address it civily with "I don't like etc etc and if you do that again the consequence is XXX" No I blow up and it gets me no where. He goes off think I am a bitchand totally wrong.
The same old, same old is getting me no where fast.
Me coming up with ideas for him to show me he is trustworthy,me coming up with ideas for things he can do with me. GEES I'm doing his work. NO MORE. I now know I'm co-dependent .I know it. Will try to find those booksmentioned in this thread.


Posts: 1608 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
Tryingtoheal61
Member
Member # 29633
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, November 29th (Monday)

Well, yet another thread I think I belong to.

Going to MC on Wednesday, maybe he can help me in determining if I am a codependent. This feels hopeless.


Reconciling

Posts: 828 | Registered: Sep 2010
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, November 29th (Monday)

MC touched on this in our last session, I think I will run to the bookstore and buy this book tonight!!!!!


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5137 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
TMqueen
Member
Member # 30043
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, December 2nd (Thursday)

I think I belong here :( However, I seem to be the only WS here, is that allowed? My IC (And close friends and even my Mother) tell me that my XBF(BS) was emotionally abusive, yet I stayed with him. I would always say to myself, if he does this one more time...then the next day or two he would be so sweet I would forget all about it! Sometimes he put my safety in jeopardy and my Mother was not happy with him at all, he even tried apologizing to her.

Through my IC it "appears" I wanted out of this relationship so badly, but was so scared to leave (Due to issues in my past), that I sabatoged my relationship by going out with OM. I didn't like this OM very much, I felt gross the whole time and once XBF found out it was SO easy to cut it off, which tells me I didn't care about him!

Now, I am working so hard to get XBF back, I am obsessed with getting him back. My life is shattered, I feel I cannot go on without him. My life is suffering, my work is suffering. I analze and reanalyze every detail to try and predict if he will call me ever again. It's been 36 hours since I came all out about the PA and not a word. I did try calling him last night and he did not pick up nor has he returned the call.

My friends are worried he will call me again, and that the cycle will start again (when he was mean he would break up with me for a day or two then be so sorry and get me back). They are worried he is very hurt but will start to miss me and start calling again. I feel so hopeful that it will happen!

I am going to my first CODA meeting tomorrow, wish me luck :S


Dday 11-4 TT until 12-6 - It's all out there.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Nov 2010
schmoop
Member
Member # 29662
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 5th (Sunday)

Hiya guys!

Glad to see more posts :)

It has been over 2 months since I have discovered my issues with being a code (and since my last post).

My path thus far...
Continued reading and understanding of my 'illness'. H has been working the 12 steps for his recovery (really working them). We have for the first time found honesty in our relationship. It is new and scary to hear him talk of his addiction and how it effects him. We are learning how to love eachother by our love languages.

But it is really difficult to know if what I am 'learning' is working and will I put it into action if/when the time comes.

This weekend the time came... he slipped on Friday night. I followed through. I did not try to 'fix', 'help' or 'rescue' him. I loved him in detachment. I didn't loose my mind. I didn't get resentful. I have accepted that my H has a problem. I respect (and see) that he is trying very hard to help himself. I didn't not bash, condemn or shut him out. We talked about what happened and *yay me* I was able to stay neutral when it came to his disease. I followed through with asking him to respect me and not go to his fathers b'day dinner last night as I would not lie and put on a happy face. I was not going to cover up his addiction. I was not going to let him go and tell them I was sick (instead of the truth). I was NOT going to let a lie define what is going on.

I went to dinner alone with my son and had a talk with them about why their son was not there.

His giving in led him to a very dark, remorseful place. He could not hide his emotions about what he had done. He cried most of yesterday. He accepted that for my own healing that I could not lie for him.

Today, we both are going over there to face them. I stand by my man. I have watched him fight this battle for over ten years and this is his first effort to help himself. I believe he can do it. He is a different man today then he was six months ago.

The bad part of this is, they now also know about the affair (like I said, I cannot allow myself to lie to myself or others about what is going on... in the sick mind of a code I know that I would end up with a ton of resentment turned to anger turned to listless flatness and I will loose myself again).

Sorry for the long verbal spewage but today, I feel GOOD. I do not feel resentment that he slipped. I am proud of myself that I have involved the family as I know in the weeks/months/years to come, both H and I will need their support in one form or another ( and I know they will not disappoint me ).


Me: BS
Him: WS
Together Since: Nov/98
Married: Sept/09
D-Day: Sept 18/10
Working @ R

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: SK, Canada
runningscared
New Member
Member # 30425
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, December 21st (Tuesday)

Hi! I hope there are are still some readers of this post - it seems like a little sideline of the sex addict partners forum but a very important one. Can I ask a question? (Sorry if it ends up being quite a long one.)

I'm trying to work out whether I want to stay with my husband or not. My problems are that I don't know which bits of us are for real and which are a result of our addictions/dependency issues. Personally, I feel that I would heal better without him there and would certainly feel more confident about his love if he went away and decided to come back but I don't think this would be an option. Even if he managed to stay in recovery whilst living on his own, I don't think he's ever come back. I think he'd either think that I didn't want him (he always assumes, never actually asks) or he'd find it easier to just start again. It's not terrible being together at the moment, just very confusing as we both try to make our way through our messes. But if our marriage is never going to work, I'd rather not spend any more of my life on it.

Has anyone any thoughts? How do you know who your husband really is when you've got used to him wearing a disguise?


Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, January 11th (Tuesday)

running,

I'm not sure why this thread doesn't get more posts. I'm sorry your question didn't get answered.

I'm trying to see if I can tell which parts of me and my behavior are due to co-dependency and which parts are due to trauma (I believe WS is SA).

I'm not sure what my WS would look like without his disguise! Good question. I would love to find out; I think I'd like him. As far as not wanting to work on the marriage because it might not work out, I think what I try to do is just work on me. If I improve, then the relationship can improve from my efforts. If I improve and the relationship ends anyway, I will be stronger for my next relationship, or my journey through life alone.

I hope this helps.

Question: What has helped you the most with co-dependency issues? A certain book? A support group? Counseling? I feel like I am dealing with so much that I'd appreciate an experienced person's perspective on what's worked well.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
comatose
Member
Member # 29798
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, January 14th (Friday)

Hi, my name is Comatose and I think I belong here...

I just can't take life without WW.... In general ATM you have a thread explaining recent events and why I'm trying to do a 180, we are talking S and inside I'm dying. I have absolutely no will to do anything, and no ressources to get into much needed counseling.
I'd love some tips on how to get through this part.


ME:ONS w/ex 10/2000,3y on/off PA but no sex A w/ a much younger(UA) girl.Epiphany->became a good guy
BW/WW(her):LTAsexual with coworker 14 y older
An affair turn minds into prisons and a whole life to one continuous panicked breath(kbird)

Posts: 414 | Registered: Oct 2010
tsol25
Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, January 22nd (Saturday)

Schmoopie, I'm not sure if you're ready here still but if you are that post was a amazing. I clicked with the intention of asking what code was, I was at a bookstore a few days ago and picked co dependent no more. I skimmed through it waiting to go to work and it seemed so much like me (in what little I read). Ill have to order it on amazon tonight when I get home. I haven't read all of the posts here because my bb si reading is making my eyes sore but I'm sure I should


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
runningscared
New Member
Member # 30425
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, January 23rd (Sunday)

Comatose - are you still around? Have things picked up any? Can you get yourself to an Al-Anon group? They'll be working on many of the same issues as a CoDA group would. Or have a look at the Recovery Nation website and start working through the Partners Workbook. Both are so supportive and reaffirming. They're really helping me.

And please, keep posting - there are people here for you; it's just that this particular page is a bit quiet!


Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2010
plzwakeme
Member
Member # 30645
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, January 24th (Monday)

Hello, I'm not 100% sure that I belong here, but a lot of what I've been reading about CODA seems a lot like me and my situation with FWH.

At the time of DDay, FWH admitted that he has been abusing alcohol for years while traveling for work. He would drink minimally at home (we would both have 2, at most 3 glasses of wine most evenings together), but as soon as he got on the road he'd be drinking himself into blackouts sometimes 1-3 nights a week. This led to him choosing to hang out with a terrible group of co-workers who all whored around together, leading him into an EA with MOW#1 and a PA/EA with MOW#2 over the space of two years. He also admitted to boundary issues and several almost ONSs in years prior to that.

He will start IC this Friday, so I don't know or understand much of anything just yet. Fortunately for me I received a ton of great information from SI members yesterday on a thread I started asking about R and addiction issues in the WS. One person suggested I check into the Beattie books, which I ordered last night.

I have what might be a misplaced question. Have anyone else's MC or FWS IC suggested adult ADHD or ADD as a possibility for the addictive behaviors?


Me BW 37, Him STBXH 38
Married 13 years, hoping to NOT make it to 14
DDay 1 10/21/10
4 MOW & many ONS attempts
Heading towards S/D NOT SOON ENOUGH!
"What the caterpillar calls the end, a butterfly calls the beginning." ~ Lao Tzu

Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2011
INeedMoreCoffee
Member
Member # 30820
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, January 24th (Monday)

Plz,

I am glad you said that because I have been evaluating the role of AD/HD in our problem too.

I am a blue collar expert on AD/HD. Meaning that, I have years of schooling, conferences, studying, behind me, plus two kids with the disorder. But I'm not published and ain't got no Ph.D.

From everything that I know about AD/HD, I firmly believe that it is a large factor in my husband's behavior. No, it's not WHY he cheated, but it's WHY he has the problems he does. When you look at AD/HD from the perspective of Dr. John Brown, who presents AD/HD as a deficit of all executive functions, it fits. AD/HDers have a very difficult time regulating emotions.

To complicate matters, I've got a 40 year old AD/HDer here who has never been treated. HIs mother has "never seen a problem" with him...even though she's had to bail him out financially hundreds of times because he was too disorganized to manage finances.

My WH will begin IC shortly (work schedules and travel haven't allowed it yet this month). All of the therapists I have recommended to him specialize in adult AD/HD. I feel like it's such a strong issue that it can't be overlooked.

Treatment options for adult AD/HD are wide, varying, but typically very successful.



Posts: 618 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
Llanden
Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, January 24th (Monday)

I didn't think this thread would be where I belonged but after reading a book ... called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie I swear it's me to the letter.

I'll have to elaborate more later as I have to get to my class soon but .. I am glad there is somewhere I can go to chat now.


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
runningscared
New Member
Member # 30425
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, January 25th (Tuesday)

Welcome to you all - it's good to get some conversation going. I learnt a big lesson this weekend. In the UK, there's been a series recently which a photographer follows a bear and her cub for a year. Quite often, he'd get a bit cocky, get a bit close and the mama bear would growl a bit.

Well, my H has been in recovery about 6 weeks now and this weekend we had a bit of a breakthrough and started getting a bit more intimate with each other. Even better, I was enjoying it and actually feeling good! Then yesterday, I find out that his trip with the boys at the beginning of Feb has been postponed. (I've booked a week away in Spain to coincide.) He was anticipating a reaction from me so he delivered the news quite coldly - arms crossed, dramatic language etc. I think I took the news quite well but, after he'd left the room, I was a wreck for about an hour! Finally managaed to detach , recite the Serenity Prayer over and over, and accept that I just had to get on with my life and, if he relapses, he relapses.

But what a fool me - thinking things could turn right that easily and quickly.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, January 25th (Tuesday)

But what a fool me - thinking things could turn right that easily and quickly.

I have read that codependents are eternally optimistic. I know I see that in me now. I used to see my husband drink tons every night. I'd wake up the next morning and hope that today would be the day he didn't drink!

I see it now with the cheating as well.

I'm glad to see this thread get moving. I'm reading the "Codependent No More" book now. I've marked the characteristics in the book, as o, 1 or 2, depending on how well they apply to me, both for before I found out about the cheating and after. That's been kinda' interesting. It's good to see that there's improvement now. At least I am not repressing anything!


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
plzwakeme
Member
Member # 30645
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, January 27th (Thursday)

INeedMore: Thanks for the support. Another SI member recommended that an AD/HD label for him be held off until he's been sober for at least a year. He's 3 months sober now and starting IC tomorrow. I'm really curious about what will come of the IC for him. He's been dragging his feet towards it since DDay #1, but after DDay #2 I made it a mandatory condition of R. He has moments where he realizes he needs IC and then moments where he's kind of pissy about it and skeptical if it can really help him. Fortunately he had a bad mental experience at his sales meeting party night last night that I think has opened his mind a bit more.

I just started "Codependent No More" yesterday. I'm only on chapter 2, but I am already feeling like I am reading a book about me. While I haven't always sought out relationships that focused on addiction, I have always chosen the boyfriend or friend who seems to "need" me. In addition to trying to learn about codependancy, I've also been looking into love/approval addiction. Does anyone know if these are considered the same thing? I'm not far enough into the Codependent book to feel like I understand for sure.


Me BW 37, Him STBXH 38
Married 13 years, hoping to NOT make it to 14
DDay 1 10/21/10
4 MOW & many ONS attempts
Heading towards S/D NOT SOON ENOUGH!
"What the caterpillar calls the end, a butterfly calls the beginning." ~ Lao Tzu

Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2011
grace104
New Member
Member # 31211
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, February 16th (Wednesday)

I think I must be the reigning queen of co-dependency. My H has had more A than I can count. He has been a drug addict for years. His last EA, which they claim was not a PA, but I'm not convinced has had me in an obsessive mode for over a year. I found an emotional e-mail, and it had devastated me, so why oh why have I gone into hyper 'care-taker' mode? I really must hate myself. Where did that last drip of self respect go? I just want a pain free day..no, minute.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2011
beyondalllimits
Member
Member # 29253
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 17th (Thursday)

(((grace))). I am dealing with my last ditch effort last night to get thru to WH. I guess they call it jonesing..... I'm getting better every day. Easier the less I see and talk to him. Only trying to fix where it impacts me now and hardly that. Getting there. Give yourself a big hug. We are human and we will have opportunities to keep growing everyday. That's what living is all about. Keep your chin up and give it (non co-d behavior) another shot.


BS (Me) 50
WS (Him) 51
DD #1 7/7/10
DD #2 11/30/10 (same OW)
Married 27 yrs, together 32 yrs

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2010
beyondalllimits
Member
Member # 29253
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 17th (Thursday)

(((grace))). I am dealing with my last ditch effort last night to get thru to WH. I guess they call it jonesing..... I'm getting better every day. Easier the less I see and talk to him. Only trying to fix where it impacts me now and hardly that. Getting there. Give yourself a big hug. We are human and we will have opportunities to keep growing everyday. That's what living is all about. Keep your chin up and give it (non co-d behavior) another shot.


BS (Me) 50
WS (Him) 51
DD #1 7/7/10
DD #2 11/30/10 (same OW)
Married 27 yrs, together 32 yrs

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2010
grace104
New Member
Member # 31211
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday)

Thanks for the encouragement beyond...I really used to respect myself. I need so desperately to work on me and not be obsessed with H. I so appreciate this site.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2011
beyondalllimits
Member
Member # 29253
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, February 28th (Monday)

I put a post out on co-de earlier today, but think it probably best belongs here. I am still having trouble with the 'craving' of my WH. I tried a rubber band on my wrist, but forgot to put it back on after my shower and caved. I am considering hypnosis to beat the 'longing for love' cycle I am in. I was wondering if anyone out there has tried this and had success? I'm open to ideas!


BS (Me) 50
WS (Him) 51
DD #1 7/7/10
DD #2 11/30/10 (same OW)
Married 27 yrs, together 32 yrs

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, March 6th (Sunday)

beyondall,

What does the rubber band signify? Is it a reminder of something, or do you snap it when you catch yourself doing something?

I need to get my CoDependent No More book back out. I'm going to go to a week long retreat soon to figure out why I'm codependent. I am scared, but looking forward to it. Things have to change in my life.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
Tresemme
Member
Member # 31185
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, April 18th (Monday)

i belong on this thread too =(


(Me)Bw late 30s
5/1/10 The day I learned Lucifer roams the earth among us wearing many disguises.( Double Betrayal wh and the live in nanny) Status-LimboLand

Posts: 431 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Florida
Whisperingwillow
Member
Member # 24550
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 27th (Wednesday)

I admit I am powerless over others ...

I wish I wasn't, but I am, and I wish I could remember this for more than a nanosecond at a time.

Having a hard time with WS. I am wanting to be hundreds and hundreds of miles away from him, but living in the same house that bit of me that thinks he will do what needs to be done to R wants to cuddle up to him and pretend he isn't feckless and faithless, think that if I just love him enough he will come back to me, completely and properly.


Me: BS 57 Him: WS 57 Child: DD 20
Multiple DDays/TT 28 April 2008 onwards. OW1 -PA 5 months, EA 2 years. OW 2 a prostate he paid to touch him PA. Then there was inappropriate friendship/flirtation with OW3. Current EA with OW 4 since 2010 whic

Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: London, England, UK
bent44
Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, April 30th (Saturday)

sigh, i really am codependant when the self-help books send me over the edge.

ah, blessed humor in reality! Thank you for the laugh.

Another clue is hating/denying the label, ignoring it, and then yanking Codependent No More of my bookshelf and reading it in its entirity in one day...taking notes the whole time.

Yeh, I've been here before and thought I was "all better" (the book has been collecting dust for awhile now). Six long years with a lying, manipulating, gas-lighting, serial cheater put a crimp in my recovery...back at it!

Finally feel like I am getting a handle on 180, and am feeling moments of peace for the first time since October.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
SpicyCat
New Member
Member # 31944
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, May 2nd (Monday)

I am really glad I found this thread. Let me just say, I am codependent, no doubt about it. I read CoDependent No More and it was absolutely dead on. It was actually hard to read because it was so personally painful.

The question I have, and I wonder if anyone else has the same one or has found the anwer is, how do we stop?? I keep trying to find something with exercises or some other form of anything that would help me learn how to catch myself and so far I haven't found it.


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 SAWH
3 kids 13-17, Married 19 yrs, together 21
DD1: Jan 2010
DD2: Mar 2010, discovered DD1 was last of 12.
DD3: March 4, 2011, Last GF emailed me to let me know he was contacting her again and looking for a hook up.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Virginia
Whisperingwillow
Member
Member # 24550
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, May 9th (Monday)

SpicyCat I don't think I can give you an answer.

I have though been journalling a bit more recently and it helps me stay a bit calmer, and I have been practising accepting that I don't want to accept WS's behaviour.

For example I might write out a few times something like:

"I accept that I don't want to accept that WS is not doing what I need to heal from his As"

I find it amazing that this seems to help; it is like a stepping stone to acceptance, but its also my truth in the moment.


Me: BS 57 Him: WS 57 Child: DD 20
Multiple DDays/TT 28 April 2008 onwards. OW1 -PA 5 months, EA 2 years. OW 2 a prostate he paid to touch him PA. Then there was inappropriate friendship/flirtation with OW3. Current EA with OW 4 since 2010 whic

Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: London, England, UK
bent44
Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, May 10th (Tuesday)

Good Morning All,

After rereading Codependent No More in one fell swoop, I realized nothing less than a full commitment to the 180 with my still acting out, lying, gaslighting WS was in order.

I have done quite well, and it helps that he is no longer physically around. However, as mentioned by folks on SI, he has ramped up his tactics to get me to engage...trying to pick fights primarily. Make me out to be the bad guy, and he gets to throw himself one doozy of a pity party.

However, his latest move has me in a quandry. He has supervised visits (supervised by me) with our daughter. He has done a no show/ no call for the last 2 visits, and bailed on the one 3 visits ago mid-visit.

At this point, I could care less about his childish antics towards me, but blowing his daughter off really breaks my heart! I will be seeking counseling for her today...she is only 4.5 years old- what a prick!

I know he is suffering too, but how do parents that supposedly love their children do this?

We have had the mommy/bad son dynamic for years and I think that he would likely love nothing more than for me to confront him on this, but not this time, mister!

What do you think? How should I handle this? Any input welcome.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, May 11th (Wednesday)

bent,

I wish I had any answers...I was just thinking to myself that I have got to find reading material on co-parenting with an addict. While my WS insists he's not a sex addict, his alcoholism rings through loud and clear. I didn't want to parent my teens alone, as it's a lot of work and risky, regarding drugs and alcohol, so now I'm seeing whether I stay in the relationship or not, I've got to learn tons more about the parenting stuff.

Regarding the no-shows with your WS, since your daughter is young, can you just have the visits he does show up for be "surprises" for her? You keep her bag packed, etc., but you don't tell her he might come? It won't work later on, but right now you might be able to get away with it.

I remember years ago someone telling me how much it broke her heart that her son would be sitting on the front steps waiting for his father to come pick him up, and many times the dad didn't come and didn't call. I seem to recall she was an OW having an affair with this man. He left his long-term wife for her, but their marriage didn't last long. Not surprising!


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
bent44
Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 11th (Wednesday)

Thank you Compartmented, your words are wise. It breaks my heart to think of that little boy sitting on the steps.

Alcohol and drugs are part of WS behavior pattern as well, and this really does make things tricky! I am sorry you are dealing with so many issues, and wish you well in your decision...yuck!

He did show up for last nights visitation. Out of the blue he told me it was just too painful to show up. I simply stated that there is dissapointment for DD when he does a no call/no show. No judgement, no criticism, no blame....just a true statement. His response was to tell DD that if she misses him, she can call him. Yeh, brilliant, place the responsibility on a child.

No apology, no nothing from him. How do you let your pain override your own childs needs? How do you not own your misdeeds to a child?

I truly believe he was throwing himself a whopper of a pity party, and trying to get my attention. When it did not work, he showed up again. I have been in a hard 180 recently (finally).

He also told me he was "still sober if I was worried about that". He claims sobriety from sex (he is diagnosed SA), drugs, and alcohol. This would be a lie as the ONLY call he made on Mother's Day was to a phone sex line, and he does this almost daily recently.

The 180 is really helping, but when stuff like this happens, I really want to get in his face, tell him I know he is lying, and smack him until some sense makes it into his pathetic soul. I know I cannot snap him out of his fog, but dealing with him is exhausting. He just seems to be unable to find his bottom...

I will continue 180...any other ideas on how to deal with him?


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
mangledmom
Member
Member # 31622
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)

Hi, I'm Mangledmom and and I am a classic codependent with a SA husband! Wow, we rawk!

I was going through life, miserable, but I had him, then BAM 2 A's, and a codepndent diagnosis for me and SA/depression for him. When I read the book, or even read anything about codep., I see my life in it. I WANT a better life than this. I want to freaking life for once! I am taking allt this as a chance to really re-invent me. I am starting to try to see that I will live if he cannot get better (but I must say, he IS trying hard). I have been addicted to this man for 10yrs, and before that, it was being the "hero" of my family.

So, besides IC, where did YOU start your journey?


BS-30

Traumatized, but I'm headed forward towards the light.

I wish you enough ....


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: mangledmom
eawidow
New Member
Member # 30282
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 12th (Thursday)

I can relate to where you are. I am a self admitted Co-dependent. I've been married to an alcoholic for 38 years.

I started AlAnon in the 1990's and that is where I discovered that it began with me. I was raised in a dysfunctional family even though it didn't seem so to me. I was destined to choose a dysfunctional partner because that is what was comfortable to me.

What has helped? AlAnon helped a lot to a point. I was at least able to recognize my problem. But I did remain somewhat codependent until the affair happened.

My WS is the one who helped me even though he isn't aware he did it

He doesn't know the meaning of the word, he just told me I was too dependent on him. He wanted his freedom to persue his "love" He wanted me to become more independent. So I did, at first because I thought if I did what he said he wouldn't leave me. But an amazing thing happened. I like being independent. I enjoy spending time with my supportive, loving, healthy friends. Maybe my codependence has switched to them for the time being but at least it's a healthy thing. I've never laughed so much in my life. We have so much fun together. They are all women, I'm not replacing WH with another man to complete me.

I dragged out Co-dependent No More (reading it in one foul swoop is good but keep reading again and again as you progress and you will discover new things about yourself) and also The Language of Letting Go also by Melody Beattie (I really like that one. I've also dug out my AlAnon daily readings, cause what can it hurt?

I downloaded break-free-from-the-affair. I wasn't sure I wanted to pay for that since I hadn't heard of it before but something just felt right about it. My gut instinct was right.

I've read every book I can get my hands on from the library. I figure if the library has them then they must be good books.

I go to IC once a week.

Am I scared? You betcha, but now I'm learning that I can do this. I've realized that my sadness and tears are a result of what I expected my marriage to be and how I saw it through rose coloured glasses. It wasn't reality. This is reality.

I've been doing the 180 for a few days now. I actually didn't do it because I read the steps, I'm doing it because it suddenly dawned on me that I have the power now. His behaviour, attitudes, actions, lying reached a point that I just can't do it anymore. I was suicidal last week. I don't know what happened. Reading the books and these boards have helped me a lot. The focus is on me now, on what I want for my future. When WS asked this morning where we stood I told him I haven't decided yet. I know he hasn't given up emailing and texting her. That was my boundary. Codependent's are very bad at sticking to boundaries but my counsellor helped me a lot. I have one. No contact with her. He crossed it.

That's not acceptable to me. He promised to move to an apartment and I want to divide our assets so if he goes bankrupt he doesn't take me down with him.


Me:60
WS: 62
OW:63
Married 37 years, known him for 44 years

2 children - adult dau married
adult autistic son

D-Day Nov 4;Nov21;Dec 8;Dec14 (it was onging but he said he'd ended it 4 times.

Status: Not sure


Posts: 32 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Canada
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Shutup  Posted: 1:08 PM, August 13th (Saturday)

Just need to vent some...

I've been on the receiving end of some codependant behavior from my well meaning family. I guess I made the mistake of telling them how frustrated I was with my current job and how I needed to find a new one. I never asked for their help but I've had several family members tell me I need to get a headhunter. About 3 times. Now, some relatives have suggested I contact this person and submit my resume for my field of study which I went to school for. I am not interested in this field and have been looking into other options where I could transfer my skills. Last night as I am out after work trying to de-stress and enjoy the start of the weekend, I get a call saying have I checked my e-mail. Relative has sent a lead I should call and send them my resume!

Help! How do you handle this without letting it get to you! I have thanked them and probably will send my resume just in case.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Tryingtoheal61
Member
Member # 29633
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, August 15th (Monday)

Hi, I'm tryingtoheal61 and am a co-dependent. When I first joined this website more than 14 months ago someone suggested that I may be co-dependent. I thought no way, I am stronger than that. Well, someone suggested a book and the information hit the nail on the head.

I was always so worried if I didn't do X or Y for someone that they would become angry with me or not like me. I am learning to take care of myself.

I am in the guilt phase, but recently read that that is a good place to be. That guilt indicates that I am healing.

My sister and I had a falling out a few months ago. Although I visit with she and my mother I am congenial to my sister, but I no longer go out of my way for her. It's sad that the relationship that I had with my sister was not what I had thought, but better to find out now and to learn to take care of myself.

I am looking forward to my first CoDa meeting tomorrow although a little nervous.


Reconciling

Posts: 828 | Registered: Sep 2010
brokenandfedup
Member
Member # 33186
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 24th (Wednesday)

I admit I am powerless over others ...

I wish I wasn't, but I am, and I wish I could remember this for more than a nanosecond at a time.

Having a hard time with WS. I am wanting to be hundreds and hundreds of miles away from him, but living in the same house that bit of me that thinks he will do what needs to be done to R wants to cuddle up to him and pretend he isn't feckless and faithless, think that if I just love him enough he will come back to me, completely and properly.

I know exactly how you feel...

Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
Agate
New Member
Member # 33038
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 27th (Saturday)

GOT to get these books. In the meantime, is there a hard and fast rule or concept that makes things a lot better quickly in terms of the co-dependency?

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2011
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 4th (Sunday)

is there a hard and fast rule or concept that makes things a lot better quickly in terms of the co-dependency?

That's a great question, Agate. I think for me it would be to "stay on my side of the road". In other words, stop trying to do for others what they are supposed to be doing for themselves.

Even if you do know better!


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 21st (Wednesday)

Anyone doing lots of work on codependency? What's working for you?

I struggle with this myself. I think I need more reminders. I'm doing a daily reader, Melody Beattie's "The Language of Letting Go" and I like that a lot. What I think I am missing is some sort of visual reminder.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
crickett
New Member
Member # 33393
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, September 23rd (Friday)

yes i am co dept and he is running for the hills with his aa friend he is aa also

i cant believe all this has happened it is so much to deal with

i have been like not thinking to well for months like i go in circles over and over

i don't get it and it makes me almost throw up thinking he did all this


me 55
WH 57
We have two grown children


Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2011
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, September 23rd (Friday)

What I think I am missing is some sort of visual reminder.

I have quotes all over my house on the walls and on plaques, etc. One of them is the serenity prayer, perhaps something like this is what you are looking for.

I also wear jewelry with words, I have a ring that says HOPE, one that says KEEP ON LOVING and one that says BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE as well as bracelets, one is GRACE, another is KINDNESS etc. Just another idea.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3425 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday)

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday)

Hi, I'm Nature Girl, and I'm co-dependent! I'm working hard with my IC to break these chains and be free.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
js_girl
Member
Member # 34797
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, March 12th (Monday)

Oy, I'm J's Girl and I'm codependent.

I'm goin to my first CoDA meeting tomorrow night, and I'm actually excited! I have been so DAMN focused on WH (undiagnosed bipolar/SA/whatever) and knowing I need to focus on me that to *actually* feel like I can do something that doesn't originate with him (hi, thanks alcoholic mom) feels like liberation. My WH is a planet I've been orbiting, and with him trying to figure out if he's SA or bipolar- no matter that *he* was the one with numerous anonymous ONSs and an "i'm in love with her" A- that hasn't ended- he has been the center of everything and I'm frigging OVER IT. *I* want to be healthy. *I* want to function properly. *I* want good relationships. My H may be a shit but my boys will learn how to treat a woman from ME. I am embracing my flaws and will learn from them and be healthy, no matter WHAT H does.
And seriously, Melody Beattie's books are GOSPEL.


Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 32
2 beautiful baby boys
DDay 1: 2/8/12
TT til DDay 2: 3/3/12
Status: R as of 5/6/12
WRONG: FALSE R

Posts: 66 | Registered: Feb 2012
turningtables114
Member
Member # 35054
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 8th (Sunday)

How do I know if I'm codependent?


BSO - Me (25)
WSO - Him (29)
One super spectacular 1 year old DS

Posts: 154 | Registered: Mar 2012
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 8th (Sunday)

Get ahold of the book codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. Amazon might allow you to read some of it and the library and used books stores have it.


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
scangel3
Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)

I'm glad to have found this thread as I have just realized (by self diagnosis on the internet) I am codependant and have been my whole life. Not sure what started it because I had a happy childhood but here I am. My wh is not a SA or addict in anyway, actually I think he may be codependant as well. Went through a couple of the first pages on here and am looking into the books you guys mentioned.

I'm struggling right now with knowing I'm not happy but not wanting to hurt anyone else's feelings if I leave (including WH). We are currently in an in-house trial separation (because of financial reasons we don't have another choice right now) and I felt good about it and still kinda do but now am thinking about everyone else and how they will feel about this and how it will effect them. Forgetting how I am feeling right now about the decision we made (which is I feel good about it).

So here I am, Just wanted to stop by say Hi!

[This message edited by scangel3 at 1:40 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)]


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 706 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
2kidsandadog
Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, October 24th (Wednesday)

@scangel3,

Hi! I can totally relate to the "worried about other's feelings, etc..." rather than my own. My whole life gravitated around other's feelings till about 10 months ago. Sad, I know.

I was raised by a pretty bi-polar, tyrant of an aunt who made it quite clear that my feelings were never as important as someone elses.

The thing I've realized about codpendents that I've been around is that NONE of us know what core happiness is, and how to be satisfied with ourselves FOR ourselves.

I've always sunk my happiness in a man (well, I tried). I'm changing that pattern and my PA boyfriend is having a difficult time reacting appropriately to my "pulling back and focusing on me".

I would read up this behavior more before labeling yourself as codependent. You may not be but your feeling other's feelings and worrying about those around you first and foremost is quite symptomatic of codependency.

I'm struggling today with letting go of "worriedness" over why my SO, who is diabetic, is not eating.

I got so drawn into it last night and finally just went to bed worried.

Tonight, I need to turn a blind eye and focus on my new/old living room furniture.

I went through the struggle with feeling guilty about standing up for myself while in my fucked of a marriage to an SA and an emotional abuser. I always worried about my kids and how they would take out their unhappiness on me should I leave their dad and take them with me.

[This message edited by 2kidsandadog at 12:28 PM, October 24th (Wednesday)]


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
QVee
Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, November 17th (Saturday)

I'm QVee and I used to be a codependent. I say "used to be" cause F that shit, I'm not putting myself last anymore. After March 2011, and we entered MC, I started putting my foot down.

I can't go into a lot of detail, but I am particularly proud of myself tonight. I became codependent after meeting my husband and both of us having a lot of health problems. I ended up being the caregiver for both of us, which meant I stopped taking care of myself. Well, today, I didn't do that!

He choose to put off the doctor for months despite me urging him to go. Today, he finally went. I didn't go. Why should I have to sit there for hours waiting because he didn't do the things he was supposed to do weeks ago? I DON'T. Today, He was at the doc picking up after his own mess instead of me being there doing it for him.

I can't control him. It sucks for him, but I feel good about me :)


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
inhishands55
Member
Member # 9454
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, November 17th (Saturday)

I use to go to Coda meetings...If you can find them, please go...They were a wonderful help...You see yourself in others when they are describing what they do for their spouse or SO...

My counselor, at the time instructed me to go to the meetings....It is almost like a 12 step program and you get the coins for the time you put into it...I still have the coins...

There are times I wish I could find another meeting in my area...I still have the books and at times go back and read them...

I don't want to ever go back to that craziness I lived in...If it means for me to grow old by myself it is better than being that way again...IMOA...

You should never put a person, except God or your child before yourself...

I will get off of my soapbox now.....


Posts: 407 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: The Tarheel State, in the mts.
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 29th (Thursday)

bump


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Stop
Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, December 11th (Tuesday)

Time flies, in the process of recommending this forum to a lady who is new to our COSA group I was browsing and ran across this thread.

My post is the first in the thread so I thought I might post a quick update. Since that moment in 2009 much water is over the bridge. My wife made a couple of half hearted attempts to control her gambling addiction with no success, she never faced her sexual addiction.

She passed away of breast cancer in November 2011. Regardless of the turmoil our life had been, her passing was devastating for me. This summer and fall I dated a woman I really like but she is not really interested in anything beyond just socializing so it isn't going to go anywhere.

Now more than a year after my wifes death I live alone. No drama, no lies, but also no company around the house.

I continue to attend my COSA group, I strongly recommend those reading this find COSA, S-Anon, or similar support group. I eventually figured out that while I didn't cause her behavior and I couldn't cure it- I could look deeply into my own patterns and take better care of myself and any relationships I am lucky enough to find.

I think it is the human condition to own emotional scars and troubling memories. For me, I hope to help create a comfortable and mutually happy relationship with one good woman before I die. Mebbe won't make it because of my age but I still think I should try to have what I want.

The best of luck to everyone in this forum who is sincerely trying to work through a bad time. My group is very helpful and supportive. I recommend you try it.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
Blameitontherain
Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

My WH has been told he is codependent by our mc. I have looked through this thread and it seems to be for the actual codependent person. I have a question but if it is not allowed I understand. I will be asking the mc this but we do not have another appointment scheduled until the second week in January due to the holidays and travel.


Can a codependent person be codependent with certain people and exclude others from their codependent behaviors ?

I am asking because I can see where my WH is codependent in relationships with other people outside our marriage. In our marriage, I don't see it. Maybe I am too close to the relationship to see it?? I just don't know if that is possible so I am asking. Thanks for any insight you may bring.


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, December 15th (Saturday)

I think our MC told my X NPD SA that he might have some codependency issues. I looked puzzled at the time, but I suppose he might. He is an adult child of an alcoholic.

X jumped right on that label for a while, and continued to avoid addressing his alcoholism and sex addiction.

That said I DO know another couple of recovering addicts who are codependent as well. I think there could be some codependency as you describe.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
JustAShadow
Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 25th (Monday)

About 7 or 8 years ago a friend suggested that I was codependent in my relationship with my spouse. I didn't think too long about that because my spouse isn't an addict and I thought you had to have addiction in the relationship to be codependent. SIDE NOTE: My spouse DOES have an addictive personality and has an alcoholic mother and had an alcoholic brother (deceased) however his 'addictions' are not maladaptive (caffeine, cologne, over the counter sleeping meds...slightly maladaptive on that one).

ETA: Darnit - this post is supposed to be about me!! I'm leaving this in as an example of how I turn every conversation to him. (IRL when people ask me about me I usually end up turning it, within a few sentences, into a conversation about him). Back to our regularly scheduled post...

Now that I've spent the last 8 months obsessing over his recent/current affair I've come to learn (thanks to a lot of reading on SI where the Beattie book is often recommended) that I'm definitely codependent. In the past I've explained myself to others using language/rationale that was definitely describing codependent behavior but just not calling that until now.


I know that my spouse has narcissistic traits (he scores high on the NPI but is not an NPD). Narcissism + Codependents are magnets to eachother.

I pored through half of CoDependent No More this weekend and have read the workbook (read that first because I only noticed that on the shelf and had to go back for the non-workbook book.) :)

I don't thinking I'm looking for anything from this post other than sort of using it as a journal entry. I just need to keep reading, keep focusing on me, and keep trudging along.

I just found this ICR thread this morning so tonight I'll read it from the beginning.

Thanks for listening and posting your stories.

[This message edited by JustAShadow at 11:53 AM, March 25th (Monday)]


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2013
2kidsandadog
Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 3rd (Friday)

Hey Shawdow,

I can identify with so much you said about yourself.

In the past I've explained myself to others using language/rationale that was definitely describing codependent behavior but just not calling that until now

This was so me when I was young. Do you ever wonder how many people looked at you while you were on your rant just knowing how co-dependent we were?

I have REALLY been working hard to break my behaviors. My father died an alcoholic when I was 10. My mother passed away when I was 6 of breast cancer. I look back at so many dysfunctional issues going on in my family that it's a wonder I have made it this far.

Breaking these behaviors has been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Living with a sex addict and an emotional abuser was a cake walk compared to actually stopping the need to take care of someone's emotions AND their livelihood.

Good luck on your journey. Keep posting.


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, May 6th (Monday)

Hi everyone.
Over the years, I tried to minimize and deny that I had any real problems. But I do admit now that I am codependent. I have been sailing through my adult years in an unaware state, and latching onto other wounded souls in an effort to keep minimizing my own pain.
I always used to say that you can't blame your parents for everything. But it's not blaming; they were wounded too! The cycle has to break somewhere and it's going to start with me.
My father was a high functioning alcoholic. I think that's the first time I've ever written or said that. One night he drove home drunk with us kids in the car (yes, they brought us out while they partied. I guess finding a babysitter was out of the question?). Right before we got home, he swerved too much around a corner and almost crashed into a house. Again, since then, I've denied that this was in any way a big deal. By the way, I'm 36 and don't have my license.
Both of my parents were extremely unavailable emotionally. I have never heard "I love you" from my mother. My dad said it once, and I almost couldn't deal with it. It made me so uncomfortable.
I am so tired of feeling unlovable and picking partners who can't commit. I'm so tired of thinking I can fix others just by loving them. It's time to help myself.

Has anyone heard of Peter Gurlach? His website is called breaking the cycle and he has over 100 youtube videos. He gives free lessons to help. The site is difficult to navigate, but once you get the hang of it, it's fantastic. He 'gets it' and gives so much of his time for free.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
PointMan
Member
Member # 38577
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)

Hello I'm Pointman and I'm a codependent.
I have an addiction to my wife. I adored her and would have done anything for her. There was a time that I thought this was an admirable trait. No longer.
After my wifes A and the agonizing months that followed I realized that I had lost myself. Over the years I had allowed myself to be manipulated by her. I had allowed another person to totally destroy me.
Live many others on this thread I read "Codependent no more" and felt like it was written for me.
Im healing and recovering but I am codependent.


DDay: 1/16/13
ME: 49
WW: 43
2 boys: 9 and 13
Trying to R.
Married 15 years.
"keeping the faith"

Posts: 77 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: NE
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 9th (Thursday)

Has anyone looked into the 16 steps program? It looks wonderful, but no meetings in my area unfortunately.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

A few nights ago, SAWH told me that if I left him, all he would have were his addictions. I immediately felt guilty and thought "I can't leave him when he's actually trying to recover."
He cheats, I feel guilty. So tired of this.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
DecadeCentrifuge
New Member
Member # 39406
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, June 7th (Friday)

@sadone

Yeah, I just found out that in addition to his numerous faults, my xWH is also an addict who is relying on me to reappear in his life so I can fix it.

We can't let these dogs drag us into a nightmare of their own making just because we have a codependency problem. We didn't make them be unfaithful bastards, and we sure as shit didn't make them addicts. The only thing we should feel guilty about is wasting time on ungrateful pigs.


Me: BH - Happily Remarried, but dealing with old stuff

“I'm losing my mind in a bedroom with a ghost
and I'm losing my mind in a bottle while I choke
I stayed years with you, no one knows (but I want them to).”
– Thought Industry


Posts: 44 | Registered: May 2013
whatdoto
Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 10th (Monday)

I'm Whatdoto and I am co-dependent. I've found thru IC the Enneagram Therapy (which my IC is thoroughly trained in) and it is working. It is dramatically helping me to get back to the real me, the healthy giver, the healthy loving, caring person that I was and now I am trying to be.

Part of breaking out is finding your true core self and living THAT life, being THAT person. Learning how to truly give with no expectations, give, stop and back away. Not expecting anything in return. Not expecting them to "take you up on it" and then "don't" and end up getting your feelings hurt and not feeling loved. Learn to stop "smothering" the people in your life trying to find that love you THINK you need.

Only when you love yourself, respect yourself and nurture yourself can you get out of the co-dependent trap.

It's difficult, it's focusing on you and your actions and making that change.

Peace
WDT



"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
Sagittarius01
Member
Member # 33643
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Hello,

I am Sagittarius01, and I am an Co-Dependent.

I am actually relieved to find myself "self-diagnosed". Now I can learn and research into my issues. My co-de issues stem from my childhood. Both of my parents were alcoholics and I became the caretaker of my younger brother who unfortunately has severe anger issues from said childood. Growing up, it was very hard. Although, I brushed my own feelings aside to please others, it quickly became extremely hard to say no.
Now, I'm in a downward spiral of a relationship with my significant other, who probably has some Co-De issues of his own due to FOO issues, also add a dash of anger management and a pinch of NPD makes the ultimate "Can't help but look at the head on collision about to happen" situation. Right now, I am listening to YouTube videos and 9 out of 10 steps of what a Co-De is, I am. I am obsessed with my S/O, I don't want him to leave. I endure such emotional and physical abuse but I stay. Why? I keep telling myself I need to change to make it better for him. If I only crawl out of my shell, he will stay. Right now, I feel so defeated. I constantly walk on eggshells around him as to not upset him. I put him on such a high pedestal I disregard my own feelings. He is such a manipulator that every arguement is all my fault. I admit that I put on a fake smile every single day because I'm too ashamed to admit I'm being emotinally and physically abused at home.

I am suchs a mess I am just rambling and not making any sense at all. I'm going to go cry now.


Posts: 97 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: AZ
Topic Posts: 115