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User Topic: Spouses with Same Gender APs.
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Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, August 28th (Tuesday)

For those that have personally dealt with this particular issue.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
father of 4
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Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, August 28th (Tuesday)

Thanks so much for this thread! I know that dealing with this is especially difficult. When a man discovers that his wife is cheating with another woman, the pain of infidelity has an extra dimension. One is also dealing with self esteem issues and massive confusion!

Searching for people in the same boat as you when trying to deal with this is like trying to find a needle in a haystack! Hopefully this thread will represent something akin to a much bigger needle!

If you discover that your spouse is bisexual or homosexual, and infidelity is part of the mix, whether confirmed or suspected, hopefully this will be the start of a place where we can find each other and share our common experiences!

Thanks again to the Mods for this thread!


"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: 32°01'22" N 81°06'05" W
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, August 28th (Tuesday)

Thank you, Mods!

fo4, you worded it PERFECTLY.

When a straight spouse gets socked & shattered by tgt (the gay thing)...its even more than "infidelity"!

How does one beat or top something like this? Go into R?

Add a few fistfuls of personality disorder...& one is going NUTS!

I just thank God we never had any children.

Hopefully, all the members who have PM'd me over the past year can now come out & feel free to post here about "tgt".

My self esteem was already lousy from all the infidelities, but the bi/gay ISSUE just sucked me down a black hole of utter despair that I cannot begin to describe & into the ether.

I wasn't certain if I...was...ever...coming back "whole".

Coupled with ongoing Secrets...& 2 subjects WH simply will not discuss (I spoke with him 2X today & it was very cordial): money, & sex...its akin to banging one's head on concrete.

Its horrible feeling so used & disrespected!

But, with ongoing IC, I have regained some clarity & my new friends are really helping to rebuild my once flagging self esteem.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

I remember the feeling(s), too...when he told me...and I wanted to take a SHOWER...why, I felt like I'd been raped!

Probably not really the right context, but in time I think I'll be able to write & express myself in a more clear & concise way about this...
Ultimate Betrayal! Ugh!!

After all, I could NEVER grow or have the right male "equipment" to ever truly *satisfy* WH, could I? I could never exude that male hormonal everythings that WH was ATTRACTED TO (so he could paint his toes red for another bi/gay man's attention/love & all of THAT). Its just so convoluted, really.
I identified with how Princess Di had been used...in a sense.
I was not the Royal "brood mare", but I was the straight W he could parade about with.
And, this made me furious!
He was only thinking of himself...& how he'd look to family/friends/job & promotions. Creep!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

You begin to question everything about yourself!


"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: 32°01'22" N 81°06'05" W
dreamlife
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

ohhh, just so TOTALLY!

I'm just glad WH was not in politics...I don't know how those wives can handle THAT!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

You know, WH was always "joking" around about "doing" his MALE M boss & stuff like that...I just thought he WAS kidding around...I mean, how many STRAIGHT MEN even joke around about having sex with other guys?
(Not a LOT, I'll bet! Damn!!)

WH was doing this on a DAILY BASIS during our long distance M on the phone & it got OLD fast...but clueless me...I thought it was just related to his OCD...


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

There are literally MILLIONS of these SAME GENDER M & A's happening...

Hey, oh, halloo!

Anyone else out there?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
nitwhit
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Member # 11943
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

Yesssss... I'm here.. You found me!


"A good conscience is a continual Christmas."
~Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 1722 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

Hiya, Nit!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
nitwhit
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Member # 11943
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

Dreamlife!!

How have you been?

[This message edited by nitwhit at 11:34 AM, August 30th (Thursday)]


"A good conscience is a continual Christmas."
~Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 1722 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

Great to see you here...how are things going?

Did tb/gt have a similar "impact" within your M as mine did?

[This message edited by dreamlife at 2:51 AM, August 31st (Friday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, August 30th (Thursday)

Senator Larry Craig's wife could probably use this site and thread right about now!


"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: 32°01'22" N 81°06'05" W
dreamlife
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 30th (Thursday)

Yes.

I feel very sorry for their 3 children as well.

All of them.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
nitwhit
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Member # 11943
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, August 30th (Thursday)

What's with the Larry Craig thing? I haven't heard about that..

Yes I remember how I felt... so not only do I feel like I have to be on top of my game to be an attractive woman.. now I have to compete with men too?

I can't ever grow THAT!?

You feel .. well just ugly really... like my womanhood isn't good enough..

"Why did you marry me KNOWING this?"


"A good conscience is a continual Christmas."
~Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 1722 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
father of 4
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Member # 5866
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, August 30th (Thursday)

nitwhit,

Sen Craig was caught by an undercover cop soliciting sex in a men's bathroom at an airport. He plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge in the incident.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070829/pl_nm/usa_politics_craig_dc;_ylt=Au_lDvzRnzL35HAUxuI.29ka.3QA


"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: 32°01'22" N 81°06'05" W
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, August 31st (Friday)

This is exactly how I felt, Nit!

No matter what I did (short of a penile implant or some apparatus)...it was never going to be good enough.

I enjoy being a woman, feeling like a woman, being admired & honored for my womanly attributes.

I think a lot of bi/gay WH do start off with very good intentions as they think that they CAN CHANGE...or--they think that we can "fix" them.

Ain't so.

Some even go to their graves unable to admit even to themselves about these same sex desires n attractions!

This is so incredibly SAD. Its Tragic!

I believe if society allowed them to just be themselves...to M...they would not have to grab a Cover Wife or H, too.

But, then, like in any other situation, you'll always have the ones w/ personality dis-orders or who want a "free ride" as well.

Believe it or not, I have read of a very few totally MONOGAMOUS M with a bi H in a traditional M & raising children who are happy/well-adjusted. (Just as gay couples have; my cousin is gay, has been with his partner for over a decade, and they have adopted children who are thriving.)
But, I guess the question that begs asking is...will resentment build up over time?

Some W, who have not had sexual relations for as long as 30 years in a row (due to their H having no interest, ED, etc.) in these M blame themselves for not being "attractive" enough...when it has nothing to do with this.

Cannot fit a square peg in a round hole as that wise old saying goes.

I've been duped & shattered...and we still ride the bi/gay/asexual/straight & back to bi/gay, etc. "merry-go-round"!

Bottom line: deception & dishonesty is key to the other str8 spouse as the best years of his/her life are used up.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, September 2nd (Sunday)

I was reading an online newspaper about the Sen. Craig lewd conduct incident...& I learned something:

'Displaying one's hand under the stall divider while wearing a WEDDING RING is much more "alluring"...'


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Crossbow
Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, September 3rd (Monday)

How nice to see this group! Thanks, mods!

I'm one of the few, the proud (not) who have both an OM and an OW.

I knew my WW had dated a few women before we met. She dated men as well. Didn't really bother me, particularly (although I'm not the type of guy to think 2 women together is "hot").

When wife went nutso and had her A (disgustingly graphic cybersex A with a scumbag loser POS MM some 2000 miles away), she managed to work in a little makeout session with a lesbian "friend" she had known for years. They had never gotten involved before, as W had no attraction whatsoever to her.

Okay, so it ended almost before it happened. Okay, so after making out, W excused herself, ran to the bathroom, and washed out her mouth. Okay, so thinking about it makes my W physically ill - when she first told me, she had to go vomit.

Still really hits at one's sense of manhood, you know? Bad enough that she was blowing and screwing this loser POS online, but that she was sucking face with an ugly dyke too? How much can you damage one man's self-esteem, anyhow?

Thanks for listening to my vent/ramble.

Glad to see this group has been formed. We need a special kind of support for a special type of betrayal.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, September 3rd (Monday)

Crossbow~ do you know if any alcohol was involved?

Just wondering...

Yes, so very disrespectful and demeaning.

Talk about whipping out the rug named *special* out from underneath you!

((((hugs)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Crossbow
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Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, September 3rd (Monday)

Dreamlife, no alcohol, but she was in the grips of her first full-blown manic episode. There were fleeting moments during this time when she would wonder WTH was wrong with her, then her thoughts would race off somewhere else and she'd forget about it....

Crazy times for sure.

Mostly just feel special to my toddler and newborn anymore.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
father of 4
Member
Member # 5866
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, September 4th (Tuesday)

crossbow, so sorry that this is all happpening in your life! I know how hard dealing with this aspect of it is! I admire your willingness to hang in there and try and do what it takes!


"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: 32°01'22" N 81°06'05" W
susieque
Member
Member # 15835
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, September 8th (Saturday)

My WH A was with a woman BUT when we decided to R and be completely honest he informed me that he had been with several men before we married 19 years ago. What the hell am I going to do with that tid bit of information . He swears it was just those experimental eightys....CRAP


forgiving was easy, forgetting is not.

Posts: 289 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: arizona
dreamlife
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Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, September 8th (Saturday)

From what I have found out on my other support group, bi/gay men seem to veer straight for GAY partnership as they get older...just another 'tid bit'...yes, they actually do PREFER A MAN as they hit 45-50+.

((((((huge hugs)))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
father of 4
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Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, September 9th (Sunday)

(((susieque)))
Ugh! That's horrible. I don't even know what to say! Several men... before you were married... 19 years ago... and never any indication of this? I'm so sorry!

I know this has to make reconciliation so much more difficult!


"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: 32°01'22" N 81°06'05" W
Crossbow
Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, September 10th (Monday)

Despite the horrors of her A time, I love her with all my heart. We also have 2 little boys (toddler and infant) together.

She is so good about taking her bipolar meds and doing IC and MC, etc. She is doing everything she can to make R work. Otherwise I'd throw her stuff on the lawn and change the locks. Can't go through this bullshit ever again.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, September 10th (Monday)

Actually, it is not at all "unique" for this sort of same gender "experimentation" in one's youth/early M, fo4.
At least, seems to be common place at my other online support group for wives of bi/gay H.
LOTS of this happening, apparently...so this "same sex/same gender" seems to be more of the norm-- than the exception.

Crossbow, I hear your anger.
And, I can totally understand it as well.

(((hugs)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)

WH seemed very surprised when I told him that this "experimentation" or A's with same sex was NOT, uh, em..."the norm".


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
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Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, September 19th (Wednesday)

I was able to see the family doc from 2004. He knew I was so excited & waiting with bated breath for WH to finally live permanently with me in late 05.
Well, I told him the Entire Story...& about the bi/gay thing, too...and he looked shocked and kept saying, 'Its not your fault, you didn't do anything to cause this' (Well, I know I didn't!)...but, still, it felt very good to be "validated" by my doctor, especially after he advised me to..."Move On" with my life...and to start dating, again.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 12:55 PM, September 19th (Wednesday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, September 25th (Tuesday)

Was feeling really conflicted about sending WH a Halloween card which I have already purchased.

So, I guess I'll just sign the cat's name...*shrugs*

Anyone else have this "conflict" over a mere CARD??


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, September 29th (Saturday)

When I think about WH touching me-- or even kissing me, this revulsion comes over and I just want to go:

AAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 29th (Saturday)

Reading the responses to this thread, I can surely relate.

I've been married and D 3 times. My 2nd H turned out to be a double-dipper. I'm going to be a bit blunt here, but I think it needs to be shared in hopes of helping others who are going through this right now.

Rob had a drinking problem early in the marriage. He was an ex-marine, macho as all hell, and a major homophobic.. so I never suspected at first.

But after a few months into the marriage, he started having sexual difficulty. He couldn't make love to a woman tenderly and passionately. He then got so he couldn't have good old penis-in-the-vagina intercourse. He told me once that "plain old sex with a woman is boring." I asked him if he would rather have sex with a man, and he got angry and told me I was twisting his words.

He then had difficulty getting aroused with regular intercourse. No matter what positions we tried, he was disinterested. He couldn't get hard without oral sex performed on him. Then he would pressure me to give him oral sex constantly and would make lewd gestures and jokes about oral sex, such and yanking my head down to his crotch and being really abusive and degrading... and then telling me that he was joking and to "get over it."

Then he began pressured me for anal sex, which just was not for me. But he never stopped trying to talk me into it, and I constantly refused. A couple of times he tried to force me into anal sex and he became so excited I could literally hear his heart racing so fast. I was frightened of him at that point.

Several times in our marriage when we tried to have sex he could not finish. And he became angry at me and went into the bathroom and finished himself off. I was heartbroken and I didn't understand.

I felt there was something wrong with me. I felt unattractive, unloved and unwanted. I believed that somehow I disgusted him, that I turned him off. I felt I wasn't woman enough for him.

And he started staying out late, saying he was watching HBO with "Mike". He would come home drunk and verbally abusive. I finally asked for a divorce and told him to leave.

After he left, he moved in with "Dave"... a flamboyant and openly gay man. I was shocked, but not too surprised. I was sickened, but then again I began to feel relieved. Because it wasn't because I was lacking as a woman. I just lacked the one thing he needed to satisfy him, and that was being male.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, September 30th (Sunday)

Exactly!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, September 30th (Sunday)

Its really the most horrible feeling to wake up next to your spouse and realize that there is nothing one can DO, short of a complete Gender Change.......just saying'

N~ I'm sorry he took his frustrations out on you, too.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Nouveau
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Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, September 30th (Sunday)

{{{dreamlife}}}

No, there isn't anything you can do if you are the wrong gender for your spouse. You can't grow a dick.

But isn't it a relief when you finally realize that the entire problem is not because you aren't woman enough? I felt like the entire weight of the world had just been taken off my shoulders when I realized this.

You know, dreamlife, I divorced Rob 20 years ago. And yet, I ran into him one day last year. And we exchanged a very weird conversation. (He was still in the closet) He told me that he had remarried in the interim and divorced again and had a 15-year-old daughter. The girl was in counseling because she was cutting herself.

Sad that he kept trying to live a straight life and hated his gayness so much that he tried to have a family to make himself straight, or at least that is what I figured. In the meantime, his dysfunction destroyed probably another woman as well as screwed up a child. I shudder at what horrors his daughter has been through.

Thank God I made the decision to throw him out on his cornholed ass.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, September 30th (Sunday)

Yes, I agree, N.

Its actually quite common for them to want to "hook up" with another woman...uber Cake Man syndrome!
(Its on bi-married men yahoo group...they want it ALL).

'corn holed ass'

I have visions of a strap on dipped in acid....


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
downfall
Member
Member # 7430
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, September 30th (Sunday)

Hi.

I know dreamy and I have spoke about my situation before; in profile for the rest. I'm looking for some input here especially from Fo4 and Nouveau because they moved on into other relationships.

I grew up in the era where you were either gay or you were straight. I have to admit I'm extremely puzzled by bisexuality. It just doesn't make sense to me. I see it from more of a "your so needy anything will do" standpoint.

When I found out about STBX's same sex A, it was so late in the game it really didn't matter to me. It was just one more line he had crossed.

Now I'm finding I'm having issues with trusting. Hard enough trying to start a new relationship/friendship with a guy after infidelity but imagining that EVERYONE is a possibility is overwhelming.

How did you start over? Were there specific responses/flags you looked for? Remember STBX lied about every feeling he had on the subject. How do I take others at face value?

DF

[This message edited by downfall at 1:13 PM, September 30th (Sunday)]


Dday June 16 2005: Separated 2/06 Divorced 3/09

Ah, but she can't take you any way
You don't already know how to go ~ Eagles


Posts: 3048 | Registered: Jun 2005
Nouveau
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Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, September 30th (Sunday)

downfall, you are dealing with trust issues at the moment. We all do when we have been cheated on. It's normal to feel that way in light of what you have been through.

About the "era where you were either gay or you were straight"... years ago, people didn't talk much about being gay, much less about bisexuality. Sexual orientation has not always been "either you are straight as an arrow or you are queerer than a 3 dollar bill". It was only that double dipping was really a taboo topic. But it has always been there since the dawn of humanity, it was just that we didn't know about it.

Rest assured that bi is not some new fad that people are suddenly experimenting with.

And yes, I did trust again... I trusted that my partner was not gay or bi. I asked questions and looked for red flags of behavior. And there was such a difference when I was with a man who delighted in my femaleness once again so that I was able to relax and trust again... (or at least trust that he was straight)

I found there to be a world of difference when I was with a straight man once again. There was no doubt in the sack!


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, September 30th (Sunday)

Kinsey has a 1-6 Scale with being "bi" in the center.

But, from what I have gathered reading on other boards/groups on this topic...a man will be "bi" in his youth, but as he grows OLDER he will prefer a totally GAY relationship.

In other words, they seem to be able to do a fairly good sexual "juggling act" till about ages 40s/50s...then ED sets in, in earnest (I experienced this with WH for 6 mos. straight, but I have read many posts from W who have had NO SEX for many DECADES!!! ).

Wow!

Or, if they have sex, its convoluted, once every 3 years, and his eyes are closed because he has to fantasize that W is a MAN.

Trust?! IC said I might never ever get this back after my experience (NPD, too)...or, I might have only 95% trust but still...
I'll always be looking over my shoulder!

Which is why IC, and my family physician are urging me to begin establishing friendships with MEN ...doing some FUN things...

uh, what's that?

N, I forgot to thank you for the hugs, earlier.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Crossbow
Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, September 30th (Sunday)

Wonder how that plays out with women?

FWW did date women for awhile; because of her weight, she felt like women would be more accepting than men. She has always had a much stronger attraction to men, however.

Aside from her weird and brief thing with OW, she has shown zero interest in women since before we met.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, October 1st (Monday)

hmmmmm, good question, Crossbow!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
bunkerette
Member
Member # 13544
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday)

Hi, I was shown the way over here. I am glad to know I'm not the only person dealing with this...here's my thread:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=190086&HL=13544


Posts: 82 | Registered: Feb 2007
father of 4
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Member # 5866
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday)

Welcome bunkerette!


"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: 32°01'22" N 81°06'05" W
bunkerette
Member
Member # 13544
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday)

Dreamlife - your post about your husband joking about doing his boss kinda reminded me of something. At one point I had asked ex if he wanted to have an open relationship so he could sleep with other people (I was so frustrated from lack of sex) that he looked at me like I had sprouted an extra head and said 'why on earth would I want to sleep with other girls?'

Posts: 82 | Registered: Feb 2007
bunkerette
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Member # 13544
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday)

Thank you for the welcome Fatherof4 =)

Posts: 82 | Registered: Feb 2007
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday)

Welcome bunkerette!

I just got threw putting primer on my house n am exhausted...plus I have not read your story yet so I'll be back in a bit or feel free to also PM me.

'with other girls'!

Wow!!

Oh, my WH about "doing" other guys went on for years n years...but, he was always 'just kidding' when it started to really tick me off!

How long did yours have loss of libido? Mine went over 6 months with ED...I thought it was the meds he was on. But he turned his back on me, too!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)

bunkerette~

I was able to read your posts in General.

My WH was into a bit of "everything", including cross dressing, numerous fetishes, & paraphilias.

Being a very liberal person, I thought: Well, he's just "experimenting"...after all I can wear pants (he brought that up as a "justification", too )...then he wanted his toe nails painted RED with My Polish...used to powder his nose before going to work to take the shine off, etc.
Well, hmmmmm.....

Then the ED happened & I was starved for not just "cuddling", but for sex as well. I wanted to feel DESIRED as a WOMAN. He had shut down!
(He still denied he was bi/gay till I saw the gay porn on the PC! And, then he STILL DENIED THIS!!!)

I've been betrayed with my straight XH with a best friend, etc.
What makes this a very different situation is...WH is who he is...he's NOT gonna change...once I accepted this fact it really helped me (even though WH changes his story from week to week and now is merely "asexual"--NOT! )

No doubt WH will find yet another "Cover Wife" # 3
because he's deceptive, dishonest, & has huge personality disorder problems as well.

He did admit he has a fear of 'being too OLD to jump into the Gay Lifestyle...has a fear of strangers', etc., so he's clinging to me more like a mother figure/pal...but wanna know what really pisses me off?

He has not APOLOGIZED for shattering My Life & "our future" which I was really looking forward to!

He has not apologized to his XW either...& she always wanted children. (He lied and said he did, too.)

WH is a pathetic POS!

I have bi/gay relatives and friends and they are wonderful, loving, monogamous people with CHARACTER.

IC has helped me so much, as has my family physician.

BOTH have urged me to Move On with my life...my doc actually said, "Don't look at those hurtful gay porn pix on the PC, again, and start dating!"

Well, I'm understandably very skittish about this "dating" thing, have huge TRUST ISSUES, & after being blown away with this bi/gay revelation (which he mind fucks/gaslights me by changing, often!), I really hope that I can...TRUST...fully...again.

However, I have met a few fellows (I like one in particular quite a bit) and though I have not gone on any real dates YET...it truly IS so therapeutic to feel wanted/desired once again.

It just takes time...the anger, the rage, all of that needs to be processed.

A truly wonderful support group on yahoo is Wives of Bi/Gay H (WOBGH) and they helped me so much when he first told me.

Also, books by Bonnie Kaye and her monthly newsletter.

Are you in IC?

Yes, they want to stay M because its a "safe haven", I have learned.
But, its NOT FAIR or good for YOU!

Your life is passing you by and there are many decent *straight* men out there.

Please keep posting...& we will try to help you all that we can.

I used to feel just HORRIBLE & UGLY...& like My Life WAS So Totally Over...well, its not.

I'm just getting my second wind going now!

((((huge hugs))))

PS Sent you a PM, too.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
bunkerette
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Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, October 4th (Thursday)

dreamlife,

I'm sick right now so I'll write a better post when I'm not so out of it, lol....

The worst was that I was used and the fact that I honestly felt there was something wrong with me cause I couldn't turn him on... blah.

And yep, I got the same denials from the gay porn on the computer....


Posts: 82 | Registered: Feb 2007
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, October 5th (Friday)

Oh, I understand, same feelings right here ...& hope you feel better soon.

This stuff can literally make one ILL.

((((((hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, October 6th (Saturday)

Clothing...WH had this pair of super tight jeans.
It looked like he was poured into them.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, October 6th (Saturday)

Clothing.. yes. Big red flag.

He used to dress in army fatigues most of the time. Camo pants... super macho stuff. But then one Halloween he found a BALLET COSTUME... complete with a tutu. And wore it all day and that night. With tights!

I should have known then.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, October 6th (Saturday)

This sounds very familiar!

ETA: Except he NEVER wore anything remotely "macho".
It was like he has an allergy to mannish/macho clothes. WH dressed very executive/preppie/femme.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 12:54 PM, October 6th (Saturday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

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Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, October 7th (Sunday)

My bi-XH looked more like one of the Village People in his camo fatigues.

And gay men used to notice him. I think he was giving off that sort of message.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 7th (Sunday)

Yes, I know what you mean about 'give off that message'...mine did lots of "people watching", too, with those longing, lingering looks etc.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Snowy
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Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, October 8th (Monday)

Hi I'm glad I found this site.

Short facts are;

1 Married 18 years
2 Have 3 kids
3 Wife had affair with another woman 18 months ago
4 Had no idea about same sex attraction
5 Still together & slowly recovering I think

There are so many questions. The big question is;

Is my wife bi or gay? How do you tell? How do you know this is not one big show????


Posts: 161 | Registered: Mar 2007
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, October 8th (Monday)

Welcome, Snowy!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, October 8th (Monday)

Snowy....


Been there! This is indeed a hard nut to crack! The problem is, unless you get her to be completely honest with you, I don't know that there is any way to know for sure. In the absence of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.


"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: 32°01'22" N 81°06'05" W
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, October 8th (Monday)

Snowy, are you in IC, or in MC?

She needs to be completely TRANSPARENT.

My WH is NOT.

He's still having *AMNESIA*.

And, with respect to my bi/gay WH~ that old adage rings true for me: "You cannot put a square peg in a round hole".

It is what it is, and not what we had hoped it would be. (sadtoo's sig line).

I no longer "love" him. I simply can never ever trust him ever again.
(Sometimes, I still feel so paranoid...like I can't trust anyone!)

He's just a deceptive, dishonest NPD person and OUT of my life forever -- as I struggle to pick up all the shattered pieces.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 9th (Tuesday)

Just a thought... One of my best friends is bi. She is married to a wonderful man. She has never been unfaithful to him. She considers it cheating whether it is with another male or a female AP.

So the bisexual issue is not always a recipe for unfaithfulness. She is happy and fulfilled in her marriage.

Then again, I feel if one partner leans more toward being gay (than being bi), it is a recipe for disaster in a man-woman relationship.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
bunkerette
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Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, October 9th (Tuesday)

Nouveau - When i first found out about all this stuff I feared for my lingerie and panties. I chucked it all out and bought new stuff.....

What a mess. I felt literally ill that *maybe* he had worn MY stuff to get off on...


Posts: 82 | Registered: Feb 2007
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 9th (Tuesday)

Yes, agree about The Monogamy Aspect.

Bunkerette, I felt this way only when bi/gay/??? WH wanted to KISS me.
I guess because I didn't KNOW exactly WHERE his lips had BEEN...& that made me want to hurl!

If he wanted to wear my lingerie...no problem. Just don't be sneaky about it.

For awhile, it was like playing "dress up"...he got so excited!

He never left any marks or stains on my clothing, shoes, etc.

But, after awhile, I really craved having a MAN in my life.
You know, like how it was going to be in the beginning.

The worst thing was how he wanted to seemingly DO everything...it never ended!
Multiple paraphilias is the term, I guess.

I got tired "accomodating" THAT, you know?

[This message edited by dreamlife at 4:12 PM, October 9th (Tuesday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

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Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, October 9th (Tuesday)

Yeah, dreamlife. I know.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)

Gosh, it feels so GOOD to know that there are others who 'know' and understand!

WH is off work today...I usually give him a call about 1-2X a month but since I just talked to him last week, I doubt that I will.

And, this is a RELIEF!

I have MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO than chat about the weather, politics, or his weenie job!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Crossbow
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Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)

I, too, have several friends who are bi & happily married. Bisexual people can certainly be monogamous, if that is their desire. Think about it, are you youself so attracted to people of the opposite sex that you MUST have sex with them? Probably not. Same for bisexual people who believe in monogamy.

My FWW may be bi, not sure. She used to consider herself bi, although her involvement with women was lacking the electric sexual attraction she always had to men. So her involvement with OM was *very* graphic and sexual (although he was 2000 miles away, which saved us a PA), while her involvement with OW was making out, tongue-kissing ( ) and such. Actually, she gets nauseous.

But the fact that she had a same-sex AP still gets to me. When I first found out, I couldn't bring myself to kiss her for about 3 weeks. It about killed her emotionally, but she knew she had bought & paid for that reaction herself.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)

yes, they can, CB.

there is a woman who is M to a bi-H.

They have children and he has been true to keeping his vows with her.

She calls it having CHARACTER.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Crossbow
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Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, October 11th (Thursday)

Having CHARACTER. Gee, what a concept....


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, October 12th (Friday)

Yeah, Crossbow, who woulda thunk...


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, October 19th (Friday)

I loathe him.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, October 20th (Saturday)

Its odd, you know, now that WH is talking about Legal Seperation with "alimony" for me (because 'I care about you')...he's acting & sounding VERY STRAIGHT.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 25th (Thursday)

I talked to him on the phone last night...WH was very, VERY INTERESTED in that Dumbledore character in the harry potter book who is Gay.
He wanted to know what were all the "signs".
and, when I told him...he *GIGGLED* in that femme way.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, October 26th (Friday)

Oh, I saw this elsewhere:

'At least that GAY male character in Harry Potter is NOT married'!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, October 31st (Wednesday)

Well, "dress up" night is finally here. My WH's favorite night of the year!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, November 15th (Thursday)

Spoke to WH last night on the phone...he's found a new male " young & attractive" Chiropracter close by where he lives...

Said...'he might even LIKE old guys like me'...

Hmmm...Sounds like...the beginning stages of a new Xmas "Crush"...to me.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
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Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, November 23rd (Friday)

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving
Well, this is the 2nd one that WH did not get the opportunity to ruin...when I get on the other boards about being M to a bi/gay person, the one thing that jumps out is: horrible *loneliness*


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Laymacia
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Member # 16898
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, December 3rd (Monday)

I've not experienced this personally, but if I did... I would be destroyed completely. I have enough insecurity issues as it is. I already feel like I'm not good enough as a person itself, but to then find out that I'm not good enough as a woman as well? Oy.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Nov 2007
Betrayed74
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Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)

As we were mid-breakup (leaving me for another woman and having had many affairs that I didn't know about) it was revealed that my ex-WS had a gay affair in the beginning of our relationship. He said it 'wasn't sex' because it was 'only oral'. Um, yeah. He refused to admit that he was bi even though he and this man met at least 'several times'. I suspect he met up with that man more times during our relationship based on some strange Yahoo IM profiles I had found. I also recall finding occasional gay porn on his computer mixed in with girlies. Duh. I now know I was in denial.

I was shocked at this news. I had asked him straight up (ha ha)years ago if he had ever been with a man and he said, 'No, no way'.

Honestly, although my best friend is a gay man, I was completely disgusted when I learned of this. I called him names--not nice ones and certainly not ones I'd call my best friend.

It made me question if I'm too closed-minded...maybe it shouldn't matter if he is bi...is it just my issue? etc. But I do think that as a partner, you have a *right* to know, to make informed decisions. I had asked him...he lied.

I'd never really believed in bi. In my experience (which admittedly is limited) the bi girls always ended up with men and the bi boys always ended up with men, too. So, this made me think. Either there really IS bi or else my husband is gay and closeted or in denial.

He said he was curious. He was manic (Bipolar) and feeling sexually deviant. He says he's not 'bi', he's just a sexual deviant.

I'm not sure there is a difference.

Ugh. Even though we're not together anymore (been a month), I still think about it. I know he was never totally honest about the number of affairs/cheating and with whom, so I just can't help but think there were more men mixed in with all those women.

The fact of the matter though, is that he cheated on me. Man or woman...he cheated. He cheated with men AND women so I guess at this point what difference does it make?

Somehow it does, though. Wish it didn't.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, December 6th (Thursday)

IC said bipolars have a very *wide spectrum* of sexual deviance due to Hypersexuality.

He sounds so much like my WH.

Is he on meds to be stabilized?

With bipolars...'anyone/everything' is sexual "fair game" according to IC.

Straight men don't have gay male porn on the computer...nope!

(((((huge hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Betrayed74
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Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 6th (Thursday)

Thanks for the hugs. I can use all I can get, this is all so new.

He is on meds...but, he's also an alcoholic and you could take your meds every morning and night and still not be stable if you drink as much as he now does. He missed his evening meds almost every day because he'd pass out or forget b/c he was too drunk. And, as a BP1, he was mania-prone and not very depressive at all. I find depression much much more easy to deal with.

I don't know why I was such an idiot to believe I'd be immune to the fallout of mania. I know that sexual deviance, promiscuity, lies, etc are SO common. Oh, me in denial.

He *is* sexually deviant, but all I knew about was his submissive needs and I played along when I found out about it because I wanted him to be happy and satisfied. I think he was trying to say that the man on man thing was another form of deviance/submission (made a point of telling me he was on the bottom--thanks for he visual), but. Hm.

I don't know. How is watching a vid of a guy jerking off submissive? It's deviant...but it's only truly deviant if he really is straight and looking at it. Otherwise, it's just bi in the closet. Does that make sense? 99.9% of the porn on his computer was women, though.

I've heard BP1's described as tri-sexual. They'll try anything.

I'd like to think that ALL of his cheating/affairs were mania/alcohol induced and not a result of horrible character and lack of morality and love for me, but really, where do you draw the line? What is the distinction? Too hard to separate at the end and I guess ultimately it didn't matter. He chose to fall in love and leave and THEN I found out about all of this sh*t.

He was so drunk and manic when he told me about the man that he gave painful painful detail...it was gross and mean-spirited to tell me how much he liked this or that or how much it turned him on to think of it right then, etc.

I had nightmares about it ALL night that night.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, December 6th (Thursday)

Bipolars are NOT supposed to drink alcohol.
He has a LOT of *Issues* & I really feel for you, sweetie.

After my XH put me through 2 decades of alcoholism & pot smoking (heroin-laced!) tantrums, I was determined to be a "spinster with 99 cats and a parakeet" rather then ever live with this sitch, again!

Enter devious & dishonest online Prince Charming...he actually admitted recently he M his XW as "cover" because he was nearly 40 & people were starting to "TALK" at work...admitted he M me as a *Cover Wife* as well.


This POS has NO character!

And, frankly, I don't give a RIP about his PD's & *other Issues*, etc.


He betrayed ME, period.

Sometimes the female porn can also be a way to deflect suspicion of his bi/gay-ness or they also actually fantasize being the *woman* in the scene, just so you know.

Bonnie Kaye has some really good info online plus a support chat, & aol also has Support for Str8 Spouses, & yahoo as well (Wives of bi/gay husbands).

It IS a nightmare. And, I really feel for you!

Hang in there & keep posting...you are NOT alone.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Betrayed74
Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, December 6th (Thursday)

Thank you. It's a tough topic...as much as I despise him right now, I won't go blabbing this information all over the place. Only a couple of close friends know about it...

Why does it embarrass ME? It's just yet another thing that he's done that makes me feel humiliated. I tell you--I learned about ALL of his infidelities the last night he was at the house. Talk about shock--bad enough he was leaving me for another woman but the to find out about all the rest in one last night (during which he asked, 'Is it too late to work on you and me?')

UGH!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the Bonnie Kaye info...I'll check it out. Still, he won't admit that he's 'bi'! Remember...just deviant.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, December 7th (Friday)

B74, its not uncommon for them to be in such *denial*--even to themselves!!! They will take this *horrible secret* to their grave, or as you have said, term it something else like 'being sexually deviant'.

So tragic!

Well, it helps me to talk about it...I'm not keeping ANY of his filthy little *secrets*, either.

I felt humiliated, but in a different sense. I fel like...damn, how could this Asswipe have fooled me in this manner? How could I have been so utterly clue less??
(But, then, he managed to fool EVERYONE as well!)

Now, I wonder how he can go about town like nothing has ever *happened*...OMG, in that very first recent e-mail to me yesterday, he writes like nothing has ever *happened*!
Its incredible...picking up the thread like that...

Oh, I forgot: He's also NPD & bipolar...so I guess the OCD aspect/personnae was hitting the keyboard.

All I can say is that you WILL get much understanding & validation from Bonnie.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Betrayed74
Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, December 7th (Friday)

dreamlife...NPD=Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

If so, I was reading up on that yesterday. It seems to fit, but then again it seems to fit for A LOT of people I know. 'Personality Disorders' are a bit strange to me. From what I've read of them it seems to easy to apply to so many people.

Was this a diagnosis in your ex?


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, December 7th (Friday)

It was one of them, B74.
In what way are they a bit 'strange' to you? Just curious...

[This message edited by dreamlife at 10:14 PM, December 7th (Friday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Betrayed74
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Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, December 12th (Wednesday)

Because SO many people fit them...or combinations of them. Some things are think are just human nature.

Now ones that sociopathic...that one's a bit more rare, but NPD and BPD I just see all over the place.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, December 13th (Thursday)

WH has gotten me a cell phone. He set up an online acct. for "us". I went into it yesterday.
The feeling was incredible.
But, then, I got pissed off...I sent him an email asking why it couldn't have always been this way from the onset...like being that Open Book he claimed to be instead of one so full of *secrets*!

Then I realized he had told me a bunch of LIES yet again & had stalled for time in giving me this info on the NEW/OLD acct because he had been in there busily "cleaning it up"...wiping out numbers in that special My Circle of Deviants, texts, etc...and I fucking loathe him so much again.
He takes with the one hand, & just gives me a teensy bit with the other.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
TeatimeAlice
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Member # 17414
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, December 18th (Tuesday)

I am still finding all the "I can relates" on this board...

my husband struggles with SSA...(same sex attraction)...I would say that is 99% of his struggle...I'll have to ask him though...what he would say is the actual percentag of his struggle....

he has all of his life and had "experimented" in this area before marriage....and has always let me know in many sad sick ways that he would always feel like something was "missing" because I didn't have something between my legs that was male...and then he goes and has an affair with a woman....

many years ago early in our marriage there was a ONS "thing"....it didn't involve intercourse or ejaculation...but he fondled another male......I processed it as ADULTERY...which it was...thought he would NEVER want to hurt me in that way again....FORGAVE him COMPLETELY and did not hold it over his head....but now having gone through this A with my supposed "friend--OW"...I know that that past wound is completely scraped wide open along with the cannon ball that blasted through my chest from this A.

My "friend" circled my husband and told him it was okay for him to want that and she would be there for him "even when he found that man who fulfilled his every fantasy"...that is from one of her emails to him....she supported and encouraged his perversions.....I supported and loved him completely knowing he had struggles but I sinderely thought he was being honest with me and fighting those demons.....but I was viewed as "controlling" because I wanted and thought I deserved a faithful honest husband.....she was the "accepting" one because she wanted to smash our family apart....and to think I was HER LOYAL FRIEND AND HIS LOVING LOYAL WIFE!!!!

I really believed my husband was being faithful and that we had already been through so much together and that God was helping us...I really was trying to be the BEST wife I could at the time of this A...something my "friend" even made fun of me for...I think it hurts that he betrayed me when I was trying my hardest to be the wife God wanted me to be for him....I am SOOOOO far from perfect and I don't even claim to be...but I was a good wife when he went off and screwed my friend.....okay....enough vent....d-day one year mark is tomorrow and I really am triggering and very sad!!!!!!


Divorce will be final around the time we should be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. Pray please I was a faithful loving wife and now my heart is forever crushed because my husband chose his sexual addictions over repairing our marriage. I

Posts: 348 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in Wonderland....wondering how/why this happened!
father of 4
Member
Member # 5866
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 18th (Tuesday)

ugh! ((((Alice))))

I cannot imagine!


"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: 32°01'22" N 81°06'05" W
Betrayed74
Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)

Alice...'controlling' was the thing I got called, too. I was controlling because I didn't want him going out to bars with ex's and other female 'friends'. I was uncomfortable with it b/c I had caught him in so many lies about them.

Your 'friend' sucks. I swear, women cannot be trusted. What is it in us (or some of us) who finds a taken man so very attractive? Who encourages shitty behavior and entices? Why do women do this?? Men bite too easily so far as I am concerned, but women are oh so quick to put the temptation out there.

I know that's not about same gender...but I found out about that with my XWS, too. His claim is that he's sexually deviant and not bisexual. So far as I know he only had one experience with a man and it was right when we were getting back together but before he moved back in with me. It hurt so much when I found out...made me feel like I didn't know him at all.

Of course all of the cheating and the affair make me feel like I don't know him at all, either.

I guess I didn't.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)

Huge hugs, Alice!

When we don't have that male thingie between our soft hairless female thighs...well, nothing can be done really.

They are who they are...just as we are who we are.

And, to go off screwing a woman...well, they can pull that up to a point. And, its to further hide from their real orientation...pathetic & tortured & cruel souls.

((((huge hugs))))

PS Check out the Wives of Bi/Gay Husbands site on yahoo...you are not alone!
Its all there & more.
Also Bonnie Kaye has a wonderful site & has written numerous books.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
deakerdoo
Member
Member # 17085
Frustrated  Posted: 7:47 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)

[This message edited by deakerdoo at 8:02 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)]


Me-52 BH
Her-46 WS
4 Beautiful Daughters
2 Great Dogs

Posts: 67 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Penfield, NY
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, December 19th (Wednesday)

((((hugs)))) deaker


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
pookie
New Member
Member # 17494
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, December 28th (Friday)

I have been married for 28 years. I recently discovered my wife had been having an affair with another woman, a coworker of hers, for 5 years. WW says she won't see the OP any more She says she never realized she is bisexual (at least). Looking back i realized there were signs of a problem --changes in sexual interest and behavior- that coincide with the 5 year time frame. She says she wants to stay we me but------5 years is a lot of lying and sneaking around.

Do I expose them at their work?

Is it possible for us to reconcile? She says yes, but i have my doubts. Emotionally, I would like to reconcile via counceling, etc, but is that realistic?


Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, December 28th (Friday)

5 years is a very long time, pookie.
What is your GUT telling you?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
TeatimeAlice
Member
Member # 17414
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, December 29th (Saturday)

(((pookie)))

No answers or advice...only support and prayers to offer you in whatever you decide to do...


Divorce will be final around the time we should be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. Pray please I was a faithful loving wife and now my heart is forever crushed because my husband chose his sexual addictions over repairing our marriage. I

Posts: 348 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in Wonderland....wondering how/why this happened!
pookie
New Member
Member # 17494
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, December 29th (Saturday)

My gut feeling is that the situation is hopeless. I want to try, however, because after 28 years it's hard to simply give up.

WW has written the NC letter, sent via email, cc to me. It was an effort to get her to write the NC letter, she felt it wasn't needed on top of the personal communication she had with OP about the discovery. She felt is was punitive, and it is, to some extent, rubbing her nose in it. But she did it. She appears remorseful and sorry, genuinely so. I am not sure what component the kids play in this. The are older, but would be totally shocked to learn the truth, and she clearly is concerned about their relationship with her.

She went to a hotel for a few days, then came back home. We have discussed her moving to an apartment for a while, which may be a good idea.

We will start couples counceling soon. If the OP were a man, I would be more hopeful. But it is not clear whether we can fully satisfy each others needs. She is what she is, and she can't help that.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, December 31st (Monday)

If 'moving to an apartment for awhile' was HER idea, I think you should post that in General Forum.

NOT A GOOD IDEA.

You might want to also PM Father of 4 here about this post...am certain he has been through similar & will be able to give you good advice from a husband's perspective.

I just sent WH an e-mail from a woman writing about her discovery of the bi/gay thing on her WH's computer & how it SHATTERED HER.
I wrote that after reading this, I could feel some *compassion* for him, could he feel some for ME, etc.

His response was dispassionate, no real owning of the bi/gay thing nor certainly any written admission...he agreed about feeling compassion for me, but that was just said in a tone of a re-written phrase & he went on to talk about HIM...HIS job, HIMMMMMM, etc.

Yes, its always been ALL about HIM.

Can you say/spell NPD?

Cold...as ICE. ugh!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
father of 4
Member
Member # 5866
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

If the OP were a man, I would be more hopeful. But it is not clear whether we can fully satisfy each others needs. She is what she is, and she can't help that.

This is indeed the "extra wrinkle" those of us in this situation find that is unique to our flavor of the infidelity experience! Hope the separation gives you (both) a chance to consider things from a better, more detached, perspective.


"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: 32°01'22" N 81°06'05" W
hurtingmammaof3
New Member
Member # 17761
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, January 14th (Monday)

Hi all I am new here and am hurting real bad! I have 3 children and I am lost. I have been in denial or just blind to what my husband has been doing and I am so confused. He says he loves me and doesn't want me to leave but he has cheated on me on several occassions which he has lied about and little truths come out ever now and then. He says he doesn't want to be with men and only wants me but you can't change a person's sexual orientation. I hurt so much and am so angry and I feel so trapped....

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: MA
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, January 14th (Monday)

Welcome, hurtingmammaof3!
Though sorry you are here.

No, try as we want, orientation cannot be changed...it is, what it is.

Are you in IC?

(((((hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
PiQue
Member
Member # 17575
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, January 17th (Thursday)

My WH's first wife left him for another woman. I've asked how he felt about W #1 leaving him for a OW, and he would never talk about it.

I found gay porn on our computer and WH said he wondered what 'it' was like.
His LTA was with a OW...I think. I asked once if 'she' was a tranny and he just laughed at me.

My WH definitely loves heterosexual sex. Absolutely no problems with function, frequency or technique in that category. Though he did tell me after D-Day 2 that he and OW had only 'tried' to have sex- reportedly he was unable to function. (They didn't seem to be having any problems on D-Day 3...)

I just don't know what to think any more. My life has become such a shambles. I have appointment tomorrow to get checked for every STD under the sun. Both my WH and I have preached to our daughters: before they marry or take a man to their bed, get him 'vetted' first, because they will also be sleeping with every person that guy has slept with.
Now I'm having to get checked because of WH. Incomprehensible.



Me/BW 50+
Him/WH 60+ Long Distance LTA
NEVER ignore your gut.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic Region
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, January 17th (Thursday)

Welcome PiQue!

Sorry you have to be here...

What does your gut tell you?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Facade
Member
Member # 17536
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, January 28th (Monday)

Such thing as a same-sex EA?

If someone is willing to PM me, I have some questions/need advice.

Thanks...


Posts: 537 | Registered: Dec 2007
brokenapart
Member
Member # 8309
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)

Sadeyes just posted her first post in JFO. I think she needs to hear from some of you.


me- BS
2 great kids
Divorced & living again.

"Let go or get dragged" - beaner

Life is Good


Posts: 10652 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)

Thnx, am on my way over there now.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, February 15th (Friday)

Found another good site recommended in bonnie kaye's Feb. newsletter:

lovefraud.com

hugs, everyone


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Torn2much
Member
Member # 18289
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)

i am so happy that there is a place that i can relate my situation. Since my wife has found a woman lover, it has smashed my inner worth and value as a man. i know that ppl are saying its her issues at hand that made her stray, but its hard to say she is the only one with issues. I feel like someone just castrated me.


NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS! NO MATTER WHAT THE COST.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SOME WHERE HOT
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, February 27th (Wednesday)

I have several gay male friends/relatives/close acquaintances. One, I don't have any more. When he was caught up in a gay sting at a shopping mall bathroom, he set himself and his car on fire. I think, to many old-school men, being gay is something they just cannot admit out loud. Imagine telling your grandmother. Imagine what your church members would say. That's how they think. So they carru on their real life in secret, probably knowing it will hurt lots of people in the end, but just not seeing any other way to survive. Sad. So sad. There had to be a tremendous amount of self-hate in my friend to do that to himself. If we could opnly all live in a world where sexuality is accepted, no matter which team we bat for. My friend's act made me talk to my children as soon as they were old enough to understand, and tell them that no matter their sexuality as they matured, Mum would be 120% behind them and they could always come to me and talk about it.

My cousin married a gay man without knowing a thing about it. Luckily, they reached an understanding early on. He now lives in Florida with his significant other (male), while she lives in Canada with hers (also male). They are friends, which I think took an awful lot of understanding on her part.

A male cousin is gay--a fact that just about destroyed his mother, who idolized him. She found out in a particularly nasty way. Two siblings had a little tiff at the Christmas dinner table. Son made some comment about sister's predeliction for marrying and divorcing. Sister retaliated with something along the lines of "at least I'm fucking the opposit sex. Unlike you." Male cousin (the sweetest person on this planet and my very favourite cousin) persevered with his family, though. Today he and his partner have been together 30-plus years--more than most conventional marriages!

Believe me, I had my doubts about my serial philanderer ex. He had a couple of "close" male buddies and something he said one night aboit one of them, while under the influence, made me go, "Hmmmmmmm......." I wonder if his constant searching for new women could have been an indication that he was simply trying to convince himself that if he could only find the RIGHT girl, he'd be "cured". One of his later girlfriends, whom I know, is convinced he's not completely straight. Doesn't matter to me now because we're long split, but I know him well enough to know that if he were gay, he'd be very reluctant to admit it, even to himself.

My heart goes out to those of you who have been subjected to marriage/ relationship with gay partners. You never had a chance. But try, try, try to look at it this way: In their minds, neither did they.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 11:11 AM, February 27th (Wednesday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7384 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, February 27th (Wednesday)

lynmn~ I know what you mean...I understand...but since I have been on the receiving end of his *fraud*...it pisses me OFF to no end...he did not have to do this with ME.
We could have discussed IT prior.
He has a deceptive personality & is a very dishonest person...NPD...sociopathic...words uttered by his psychiatrist in front of me.
Which made my WH physically ILL.
His *mask* was torn away...as my IC said.
He could NOT engage in "duping delight" with his psychiatrist!

Then, there are others, who are Sex Addicts & become very Jaded...they have sex with same sex in order to get a new/different kind of high...then there are manic untreated bipolars who are extremely hypersexual with anybody/anything...its not black-&-white.

Yes, I feel bad, from their perspective, that there is a penalty for being open/honest...for being who you are at birth.

My closest male cousin is gay.
He has been with his male companion for way over a decade. They are monogamous, responsible, & have *character*.

Torn2much~ welcome to our thread! I am so sorry that this is happening to you.
Are you going to IC?

((((hugs)))

[This message edited by dreamlife at 11:29 AM, February 27th (Wednesday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)

Yes, ma'am, shitheads are shitheads no matter what their sexual orientation!


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7384 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)

ditto & Amen to that!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Facade
Member
Member # 17536
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

My H confessed 11 days ago to having an affair with another man.

He told me that day that he didn't want that lifestyle, hated what he was doing, and wanted me, our son, and our life back.

A few days later, not so much. "I'm gay. I don't think I can do this."

A few days later, "I have hope! Maybe there's a chance for us!"

Last night: he broke NC and talked to his gay OM.

Never mind that he promised he wouldn't talk to him...begged me to give him another chance. Never mind that he says OM was blackmailing him by threatening to out him to me and his boss.

Makes me sick.


Posts: 537 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I am very near "making peace" with all this bi/gay stuff, facade.

I just think of it as an"itch that needs to be scratched" -- you know, like sex addiction which he has consistently refused to *work on*.

It really helps that he is OUT of the house, too.

I am meeting others for "friends" & learning to Move On. I have to for my own good & peace of mind & joy & self esteem.

It feels great being validated by truly straight men who want to relate to a straight woman!

Hugs, everyone.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Facade
Member
Member # 17536
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Dream, I'm glad you're getting there. You deserve someone who appreciates you for the woman you are.

I don't know if I can get there. One minute, H says he doesn't want to be this way, he believes he can change. And my spiritual beliefs dictate that change is possible. Regardless of what many people say, I think that programs such as NARTH and Exodus Int'l deserve at least a chance. But I can't do it alone.

And I still love him. And he's still my little boy's father.


Posts: 537 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Thanks, Facade.

Yes, in your case, you have a lot to consider...bonnie kaye has written some excellent books on the topic and has personally always answered her e-mails in a timely fashion...I cannot stress enough about that yahoo group for additional support & clarity: Wives of BiGay Husbands!

How is everyone else doing?

(((((hugs)))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)

I know how difficult this can be, but I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Easter on my "pet" thread.

I'm getting used to spending yet another "holiday" ALONE (actually prefer his toxic ass away, now!) but it won't be like this forever as I'm enjoying the company of a few decent STRAIGHT MEN.

I'm still not doing very well in The Trust Dept., but hopefully in time, this will be changing.

I just have to say that taking the advice of my IC & family doctor by getting "out there" in the *straight male world* once more has been a very healing activity!

baby steps...

[This message edited by dreamlife at 11:04 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
father of 4
Member
Member # 5866
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Happy belated Easter to you too dreamlife!

Bumping your "pet thread for you" because we were both in similar boats at one point!


"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: 32°01'22" N 81°06'05" W
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Thanks for coming by, fo4!

I get the feeling WH is going the other "way", for a change.
Its almost like he's trying to re-establish a *straight* type of relationship in our M once, again.

I...don't...want...him.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
FeistyWoman
Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Hi all-

The first incident of my WH's cheating that I discovered involved a full massage with a man he met thru Craigslist. Lots of graphic emails to him and other men.

He says it was able to get the sex rush by thinking of ANY sex. He could get more replies from men because all the women were just porn sites in disguise.

So he went the route of meeting with a man 9 months ago. From the emails I found he was clearly thinking of doing more but doesn't seem to have gone back. He insists the emails were enough for him but admits he can't guarantee he wouldn't have tried again if I hadn't found out.

So - I don't think he is gay. I don't know if he really would be considered bi. He is definitely a SA --which became clear on dday#2 (which came 3 weeks after finding the emails). He admitted to 6 ONS all with women and a year-long arrangment with a (female) prostitute.

So SA is clearly a major problem. He has started IC and meetings.

Just wondering if anyone else had that experience--where the same gender experience seems like just another way to get the 'fix?'


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
Facade
Member
Member # 17536
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

Hi, Feisty,

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

As to your question about our own experiences, it's hard to say.

According to my STBXH, who always tells the absolute truth (NOT!), he did not start "looking" until he was almost 35 and started suspecting that I had been unfaithful. Apparently, after that, I wasn't worth the extra effort of his fighting his gay feelings.

Of course, these days...after he's admitted EVERYTHING to me, and I even have enough physical evidence to wallpaper a small house...now that it's getting around town that he's been gay-bar-hopping, he's trying to maintain his image. He now tries to tell me it's all a lie, and if I tell anyone about it, it's slander.

Some people call this denial. I call it freaking crazy.

I'm no expert, but it's my impression that straight men don't get the "fix" from other men. But, then again, maybe SA is different.

What does his IC say? Have you considered MC with him?


Posts: 537 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, April 21st (Monday)

Fiesty, agree about straight men do NOT seek out other MEN unless they are extremely *jaded* SA or hypersexual due to bipolar mania.
My WH actually called me, and his XW "Cover Wives" so people would not *suspect* at work or with in his family of origin.
He told me about a boy in 9th grade that he wanted to have an EXCLUSIVE friendship with.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
brady12
New Member
Member # 18094
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, April 21st (Monday)

my ws told me today that i could have a girlfriend if i wanted, that way it would be fair because then we both could be considered having an affair. that's not the killer, it gets better. she wants me to get a girlfriend so she can "fool around with her"! GROSS. she just doesn't get it.


BS 46
WS 37
married 13+
kids: 13b,9b,5g
DDAY-09/07
DDay #2-04/05

Posts: 27 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: usa
FeistyWoman
Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

Facade--

We are still working on finding him an IC with SA experience. He obviously has a lot to dig into.

I really don't feel the gay thing with him--he has always been extremely interested in me--in ways you can't fake:)

Could be bi obviously - although he says incident of the 'massage' with the man wasn't what he 'thought it would be.' It sounds like this was his attempt to break away from the ONS with women and find a very anonymous/quick sexual experience.

He went on AdultFriendFinder, etc and I saw his profile. He was definitely looking for women there -but couldn't really get that same NSA sex experience as easily with women.

A lot to figure out. The same gender thing seems like the least of the problem at the moment. Just dealing with the SA is overwhelming enough.


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

FW~ Patrick Carnes discusses this in his book, "Don't Call it Love". You might want to pick up a copy...this was the only book that *penetrated* my WH and actually had him talking to me for awhile.
I sent for the workbook which calls for rigorous honesty and he just refused to deal with THAT so he's still scratching "his itch" but he sure as hell isn't living in my home while he is.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
FeistyWoman
Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

dreamlife-

Thanks for the suggestion. We both actually just got Patrick Carnes' book Out of the Shadows. I guess we will start there.

It was so sweet--both of us sitting on the couch, reading our book---NOT. Of course, as soon as I got up to put DD to bed, he put the book down. Not sure what level of commitment there is.


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
McKlain
New Member
Member # 19320
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

FeistyWoman~
My Wh too used Adult Friend Finder to get his fix and ultimately this was how he made contact with the one off sex encounters he had/ arranged. I am still in the dark as to how many of these indiscretions there were.

His AFF profileS make it clear that he is looking for ALL kinds of sexual encounters. He also has profiles on OutDotCom (gay website) amongst others. Shocking for me the inclusion of looking for other men, male couples, anal sex, and ts/tv (transexuals/transvestites)!!! I have begged him to explore this issue with his counsellor at some stage so that he can really identify whether or not he is gay. I know that if he is gay, but in denial then it will 'out' again in time. Like your situation; my WH says he is not gay - but that it was any kind of sexual fix.

I feel so thirsty for info. on SA so that I can understand WH and know the signs. I want to be the best support for him that there can be.

[This message edited by McKlain at 12:37 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]


Me ~ 32 ~ BS ~
Him ~ 31 ~ WS ~ SA
Married ~ 3 years, together 5 years.
Children ~ 1 boy, 6 months
Discovered the infidelity ~ 15th March 2008. 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
Reconciling; one day at a time

Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Australia
FeistyWoman
Member
Member # 19093
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

mcklain--

Yeah--there is so much to sort through when it includes both men and women. So far it seems like my WH went the male route when he didn't have as much luck getting a local woman for NSA sex (although he obviously has no problems getting them for ONS when he traveled). I think he was less willing to risk being seen in bars picking up women. Getting sex with men anonymously through craigslist seemed easier and less visible.

We are just starting to learn about SA but I have read some things that suggest that some SA don't care who the sex is with-man or woman. Whether that makes them gay--or bi--I don't know.

My WH emailed a IT with SA experience yesterday so I am hoping that he follows through on that quickly. I am also very anxious for another perspective and more information on trying to understand all of this!!!!


Me - BS
Him - WH (SA)
Dday #1 3-20-08 Dday #2 4-9-08
2 children
Married 11 years, together 20
Him-3 massage parlor visits starting 1996; 1 yr arrangement w/prostitute;6 ONS(women); 1 full massage with man
Me-Totally clueless until 3-20-08

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Midwest
Eternaloptimist
Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

My husband has been in recovery since Dec. 06 (when I found out about a LTA with his assistant -- female; I didn't find out about the SA until June 07 when he finally told me about ALL of it) and I think we've been doing really well. But lately the same-sex thing is getting to me. I think it's just fear that I'm putting all this time and effort in putting our marriage back together and I worry that it'll come out that he's gay and it was all for naught. I did have dinner on Sat. night with two gay guys who left their marriages for each other. I think that's planted the worry seed.
In any case, the latest book by Stephanie Carnes -- Patrick's daughter, I believe -- for spouses of SA didn't help much. There's a chapter for those whose "straight" husbands had gay sex and it opens with the story of woman whose husband was just in denial about his homosexuality for years...then finally came clean when he fell in love with a man. Up until then, he was giving her the standard, "it was just sex" line. So...not exactly comforting.
Argh!! Just when I think my life is getting back on track, I get derailed by something.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

Bonnie kaye who was M to a Gay H also is a therapist and has a great monthly newsletter & website.
I have to say that I found "Out of the Shadows" tedious, dry, long winded, boring.
However, "Don't Call it Love", gets right to the issues at hand.
Lastly, be on the watch for bipolar symptoms.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

OMG, yet another thread I belong to! I wish this nightmare would end. It's been one surprise after another and I have taken all that I can take. We seperated, going through a divorce yet part of me was hoping that somehow we could work things out. I can't say on here how I know but I found some stuff yesterday and he is bi-sexual. We've been together for 10 years and have kids. How could he never tell me? How could I have been so stupid not to have realized? I have a gay friend so how could I have not seen that?


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4801 | Registered: Feb 2008
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, May 23rd (Friday)

Huge hugs, Peridot!
(Please don't feel odd as I belong to so many other threads here as well! )

I was lurking on bimarriedmen last night & it, as usual, made me so sick & angry!

The bimarried guys giving each other "tips" on how to hide e-mails if The Wife happens to be looking over at the PC or is suspicious they are having an A (not to mention the massive dis-respect for the WIFE!!)...one M bi WH said his Big Problem now is coming home from screwing around with his BF and sporting a prominent hickey on his neck.

His BW now is wondering if he is having an A -- with a WOMAN!

I truly believe after lurking at these bi/gay WH sites, that THEY are the ultimate *cakemen*!

They want it ALL...they don't want to give up the status quo, the house, kids, white picket fence nor good ole home cookin' & cleaning, etc.

The BW is getting completely SHAFTED here! UG


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 23rd (Friday)

We also have a tendency to blame ourselves for not seeing this coming or picking up on the various "signs" ~ please don't!

I have bi/gay relatives & friends.

Its a matter of character, honesty v. deception...anyone who is bent on "duping delight" can be smooth as satin in deception!

Mine was an uber Con man!

Love Fraud!!

Have you thought about joining that online yahoo support group for wives of bi/gay H?
Personally, I found it extremely helpful!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
beagle lover
New Member
Member # 19694
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, May 30th (Friday)

Hello everyone

I'm having extreme difficulty dealing with the fact my husband had a ONS with a man. He swears this is the only time he has been physically unfaithful. I have my suspicions that he is bipolar because he sure is hyper sexual based on the information he finally came clean to me with.
I can't kiss him because I picture him kissing another man. I am repulsed by him because he got herpes from this encounter (what a way to be punished for having a PE). How do I get over this?


Me 33
WH 37 SA/Porn Addict/had ONS with OM and EA with ex co-worker
Married 10 years
No kids
Lots of D-Days along the way, but ONS D-Day 5/28/08
Going to give R another chance. Hoping for honesty this time around

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Rhode Island
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

hi and welcome, beagle!

What you are experiencing is entirely NORMAL.

Please read my profile.

My WH is also bipolar. Bipolars have a huge problem with hypersexuality! Anything goes!

Is he on medication?

Are you in IC?

Huge hugs!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
NewLight
New Member
Member # 19773
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

Just realised that my story should be in a different place. will re-do it again soon. Should have found this space a year ago.
You have lots of strength and I will give you some of mine

[This message edited by NewLight at 9:44 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Welcome, NewLight!

And, thank you!

We can always use some new *strength* in this sitch!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
savvyhippie
New Member
Member # 19238
Content  Posted: 6:32 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)

Hi to you wonderful people who should not have to belong here
I am not sure what is worse..... to find out that the man who promised me the world had started a PA with a woman weeks after he moved into my home and continued for nearly three years then in the last 4 years had 4 ONS with a MOTSS. You name it he probably did it. Yes, we can throw in unsafe sex too. So I guess I don't know who he got his Genital Herpes from. But does it really matter?

Dreadfully sorry that he caused me so much pain and it was me that he wanted all along but it took my discovery of his cheating to realise it?????!!!!!

After a year of painfully discovering all the stages I have to go through with out the rule book, I have made it out of the dark black hole though I sit near the edge sometimes.

What I do know is that am a terrific woman and she will only settle for a terrific monogamous man who will love the feminine, strong woman that I am.


DANCE as though no one is watching you. LOVE as though you have never been hurt before. SING as though no one can hear you. LIVE as though Heaven is on Earth ... Souza

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NSW, Australia
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)

Welcome SavvyHippie!
Wow, you really have dealt with a lot on your "plate" but I've no doubt about your strength and you will certainly be a very welcome asset to our thread here.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

WH sent me an e-mail last night.
It was about a YOUNG male customer buying a product at the store & probably returning there today.
(*I could hear him almost panting*!)

Then, a week ago, he's back to his OBSESSION about finger nail polish on men!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Facade
Member
Member # 17536
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

Hi, everybody,

I haven't been on here in a while, I've been hanging out in the D/S forum. Welcome to all you new folks.

Dreamlife, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this crap.

The majority of concerns I have right now center on my little boy and how my SOB STBX is hellbent on exposing him to his new lifestyle.

Our child is only 8 years old and is not nearly ready to learn about the birds and the bees, much less about homosexuality.

WHY does he have to be such an @sshole??


Posts: 537 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

Lack of *character*, Facade.

And, I'd be very, very WARY about his "new lover"...your son is only 8..."exposure" is not healthy as there might be ulterior motives/hidden agenda...NOT GOOD!! Huge *RED FLAGS* are FLYING to me!!!

(((((huge hugs)))))

[This message edited by dreamlife at 9:45 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Facade
Member
Member # 17536
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

Thanks, Dream...

Hey, can I ask you guys something? (Please keep in mind that I truly don't want to offend anyone, and I'm not generalizing...these questions are specific to my situation.)

STBX clued me in to the mindset of his new circle of "friends." From what he's told me, their philosophy seems VERY anti-wife...you know, covering up for each other in their nasty little rendezvous, cheating on their wives and badmouthing them, and sharing their pathetic little stories about how their hetero marriages were just a big, bad mistake. Wah, wah, wah. They call us "breeders", or so I've heard.

Have any of you heard of this type of fraternization?


Posts: 537 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

OMG, yes!

Mainly on those online "groups" where they post about meeting at motels & "bring a lotta lube", having "dump parties", & call their wives..."Fish"!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Facade
Member
Member # 17536
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

Dream,

Maybe I shouldn't ask this...WTH do they call us "fish"?


Posts: 537 | Registered: Dec 2007
Sadandshaken
Member
Member # 18099
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)

I am new to this thread. And I have wondered about this with my STBXH. I am not sure if my H is Bisexual. I don't even know if this is the right place to ask this question.

He said he had A with woman but will not really confirm her identity. Several people have asked me if he is gay. I had not thought about it except I consider him to be a submissive male type person in a lot of ways. He didn't appear to be this way when I met him.

Anyway, after dday, our kids, who are 18 and 20 didn't know anything about an affair for quite a few months. They knew something BIG was up though. So, one day my daugher sits me down and says she has a question and is having a really hard time asking. She finally asks me if dad is gay.

I was shocked. Apparently, all her friends think he is. Since then I have had a lot of people ask me this. They wonder about a friend of his he was seeing a lot to just get together with was his partner. Made me start to think. Could someone help me decifer this.

I had thought he was bisexual and even asked him one day. He laughed and said I was attacking his character.

Any help is appreciated.


Me: BS
Him: WS
LTA: First he told me 2 years then I find out its 10
Married 25 years
DS 20 and DD 18
DD 11/18/07
4/08 Divorcing, can't take more lies.
I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait. And in His word do I hope Ps 130:5

Posts: 362 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: California
Facade
Member
Member # 17536
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)

Sad and shaken,

Please PM me. I'd like to hear more of your story.

Let me say, from my own experience as a woman married to a gay man for 14 years...I wish I'd listened to that little voice in my head years ago.

We're all with you, dear...big hugs.


Posts: 537 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 4th (Friday)

Sad, welcome...I hope every one on this thread checks out Lovefraud.com, please...


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Syzy
Member
Member # 15190
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

OMG, yes!

Mainly on those online "groups" where they post about meeting at motels & "bring a lotta lube", having "dump parties", & call their wives..."Fish"!

Not to generalize but many of these men are deeply in the closet, trying to prove their masculinity to themselves and other men and are generally sexist. Their ideas about gender and sexuality are deeply screwed up. Healthy gay men do not act like this and do not abide much sexism (at least in the 40 and under group)

To answer the question about "fish" the slang is a derogative reference to the way women supposedly smell.


BS
Dday Aug 17, 2006
R - what's that.
Me - Moved on long ago.
It takes two to make it work, but only one to fuck it up.

Posts: 945 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: So Cal
Hurtsadangry
Member
Member # 9294
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Found my way over here - see my profile. His latest fantasy is to have another man in bed with us while he (H) is "dressed". I just want to


Happily Divorced as of 7/13/2009 at 2:30 pm!

Posts: 1387 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Limbo
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

hmmmm...are we M to the same man?

((((hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Hollowgirl
New Member
Member # 19147
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, October 13th (Monday)

I dont even know where to start. I have been married to this man for 26 years. Found out he had an affair with a W 6 months ago. This week caught him texting the word "sweet" to someone who asked him if he liked subs. I asked and he told me sub meant submissives. I asked him to tell me all of his secrets. He said he has had BJs from 10-12 men over the last 6 years. I am sure there is more to the story...I keep getting bits and pieces.
I am in shock. First about the affair. I have been treated like a princess for all 26 years. He has been the model husband. (so i thought)...I dont think I will ever get over all the lies. I know me well enough to know I would always wonder what he was doing. He'd become such a great liar!
Starting over scares me to death. I'm 46. I've never been alone...went straight from Mom and Dad to our home together. Highschool sweethearts.
I didn't even know this forum existed! I was in the recovery forum until I found out about the men.
Thanks for listening!


Hollowgirl...not forever just for now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Me:BS 46
Him:WS 45
3 children: S-25, S-22, D-16
Together 28yrs Married 26yrs
D-day: 4-12-08
Divorcing 9-1-09

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Phoenix
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, October 13th (Monday)

Hollowgirl, welcome!

Yes, it IS a dreadful SHOCK to hear about the MEN.

Have you been tested for STD's?
I would make an IC appt. immediately as well.
Is your WH "bi"?
Is there a possibility that he "acts out" due to being bipolar (hypersexuality)? Sex Addiction?

"Don't Call it Love" by Patrict Carnes is an excellent book (for SA.)

Please keep posting here and hang in there.

We will all try to help you all that we can.

(((((huge hugs)))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Hollowgirl
New Member
Member # 19147
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)

Yes, I tested negative to all STD's.

After he told me of the MEN...about 2 days later he said he'd remembered being abuse by a neighbor man when he was 8 or 9.

Our IC/MC said that he might be bipolar. Our 2nd son is bipolar and we've known about his disorder for years. My husband never displayed any of the symptoms.

My pastor said it sounds like SA.

I dont know what to believe.

Today we go to the counselor. Hope to get the whole truth and some answers.

Sometimes I think it would be easier for both of us to move on. If he gets well he could have a great realationship with someone new who didn't have all the lies in her past with him.

Thanks for being there!


Hollowgirl...not forever just for now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Me:BS 46
Him:WS 45
3 children: S-25, S-22, D-16
Together 28yrs Married 26yrs
D-day: 4-12-08
Divorcing 9-1-09

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Phoenix
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, October 16th (Thursday)

HG~ glad to hear you tested negatively!

Me, too. (But then again...9 months of staring at his back and wondering what was *wrong* probably helped, too.)

He sounds a LOT like my WH.

SA? bipolar?? bi/gay???

AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Well, I don't want him in My Life.
It is...what it is.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, October 23rd (Thursday)

Today is my WH's 55th birthday and I suspect he's partying with a man.
Don't ask me how I know...I can just sense it.
Creep.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
SmileyBlue
Member
Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, November 21st (Friday)

Hey everyone,

i just wanted to ask a question

is it possible for someone to go through a bi-sexual phase in their early 20s only to realise they are straight? not me btw!!! but my friend just found out her fiancee has hooked up with guys twice before she met him and she is shocked. he said it was just a phase and that he doesnt even think about it now but she is really upset and worried. I said to her it was possible for people to go through phases but i actually have no idea. shes worried he is gay and denying it although they have always had a good sex life and he has always pursued her.

some insight would be greatly appreciated!!

[This message edited by SmileyBlue at 3:49 AM, November 21st (Friday)]


Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson


Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
SmileyBlue
Member
Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, November 21st (Friday)

bump!


Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson


Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, November 22nd (Saturday)

from what i have found out, this "phase"usually only happens when a STRAIGHT MALE has no access to a female...like in prison!
but upon his release, he will seek out a WOMAN, & not a man.
there also appears to be a lot of bisexual "experimentation"in youth, but as the bi man grows older, he longs for an exclusive homosexual relationship WITH ANOTHER MAN.
hope this helps...and, straight men do NOT look at GAY Porn.

google bonnie kaye.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, November 23rd (Sunday)

Smiley,I feel its major denial.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
ThatWasFun
Member
Member # 21110
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, November 24th (Monday)

So far, I've never found anyone else who feels this way:

When I was in my early twenties, I dated a girl for a little while. I was quite taken with her. After three or four months of dating she told me that she couldn't see me anymore, because she needed to admit to herself that she was gay, and she had been seeing another girl for the last couple of weeks. I was very disappointed, but I was able to shrug it off rather easily, unlike the devastation I felt many years later when my XF cheated with another man. Here's why:

She was physically attracted to other women. Therefore, she wanted something I simply could not provide. I do not have tits or a vagina, and never will.

My WXF, on the other hand, could have gotten from me anything she got from the OM simply by letting me know that's what she wanted. Other than size, a dick is a dick is a dick, and techniques are learned.


This, too, shall pass.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2008
father of 4
Member
Member # 5866
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, November 24th (Monday)

My inclination is that he is not straight. I would advise not to go through with the wedding.


"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: 32°01'22" N 81°06'05" W
SmileyBlue
Member
Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, November 24th (Monday)

so you guys think there is no such thing as an experimentation phase??


Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson


Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
PiQue
Member
Member # 17575
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, November 24th (Monday)

[This message edited by PiQue at 8:12 PM, January 11th (Sunday)]


Me/BW 50+
Him/WH 60+ Long Distance LTA
NEVER ignore your gut.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic Region
ThatWasFun
Member
Member # 21110
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, November 27th (Thursday)

so you guys think there is no such thing as an experimentation phase??
I don't think so. I think men who "experiment" with men are gay, and trying not to be.

[This message edited by ThatWasFun at 2:48 AM, November 27th (Thursday)]


This, too, shall pass.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2008
thetruthwins
Member
Member # 21722
Default  Posted: 3:39 AM, November 27th (Thursday)

I don't have a WS who is same sex attracted, hope you don't mind my responding.

I have met real true bisexual males. They are EXTREMELY rare. Most guys who say they are bi are semi closeted gay trying to be straight rather than true bi. There is a distinction. Here's a few things I've observed:

The true bi guys tend to be more open, mature, and evolved than fake bi guys who are unsure of themselves, uncomfortable with their sexuality and rationalizing their desires.
True bi guys are really loving towards both sexes, fake bi guys just "experimenting" sexually while maintaining their straight identity.
True bi guys actually fall deeply in love with people without considering their gender identity, fake bi guys have sex with people despite their gender identity.
True bi guys are not ashamed of who they love, fake bi guys use being "bi" as a way to hide their true desires.
True bi guys are not homophobic - they aren't ashamed to hang out with their gay friends, fake bi guys may show outward homophobia.
True bi guys typically have LTRs with people of either gender, fake bi guys have LTRs with women and affairs with men. ie: A true bi guy would say "I had a 3 year relationship with a man" as a part of his relationship history - he would say this without feeling shame. A fake bi might have only had secret ONS with men, but had LTRs with women.

I hope this makes sense. There are lots of closeted gays out there trying desperately to be straight (Hello Ted Haggard!) and just hurting women in the process. Much better that they come out of the closet and stop lying to themselves that they are "bi" and making women crazy. Better to have a great gay friend than a husband that lies. I love my gay friends - but I don't know very many that married women trying to be straight. That's a terrible thing to do.

I hope all of you here are healing well.


Me BS age 40
Him WH age 41
Son age 5
ONS on 10/31, DDay 11/1 but problems with prior deceit, porn addiction, general compulsiveness. I wouldn't let him come home on DDay.
Update: He's in IC! Yay! Moved home 11/26, things are going great. Whew!

Posts: 656 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: the here and now
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, November 27th (Thursday)

Bravo for a wonderful post...I agree, thetruthwins!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Sad  Posted: 4:07 PM, December 14th (Sunday)

[This message edited by Why?? at 3:59 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1878 | Registered: Feb 2008
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, December 16th (Tuesday)

Its difficult to say, Why??

Are you in IC?

It could be everything you've posted here -- or none at all.
IC should be able to help you figure him out.

(((((hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
kammscott
New Member
Member # 22237
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, January 2nd (Friday)

Wow! I am sooo glad I stumbled into this forum. D-day was a week ago. I discovered a text message: "I got your picture, did you get mine?" I then looked at photos on my H's phone and found a very discriminating photo of his "privates". Confrontation followed and H swears it was just one time - oral sex. A day later, after texting his friend, I find out it was way more than what he claimed - the A has been going on for 6 months!!! He swears to me that he wants to make our marriage work, but can it? Can he ever supress those homosexual feelings and be a real H? He said he was able to years ago (we've been married 17 years and have 2 children), he wants to make this work, I just don't know if I have the strength to fight what he is.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: WI
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, January 4th (Sunday)

If he wants to make it work with YOU...honestly...he has to stop cheating.
Cheaters come from all different orientations.
Have you gone to IC/MC?
That would be a good start.

And please get tested for STD's!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
kammscott
New Member
Member # 22237
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, January 4th (Sunday)

I've been tested and thank God everything came back negative, and I will be looking for IC tomorrow. He starts his own IC tomorrow - not sure what good that will do. I just don't know if I want to go through the effort of trying to save this marriage when, at this point, it doesn't look like it's worth saving...

Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: WI
Blazer
Member
Member # 22060
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, January 4th (Sunday)


I hope it is OK that I post here about this thread as it is an important issue to me. And I was the WS that had a same gender AP.


I think that there are straight men and women who have some questions on their own sexuality for whatever reasons may exist for it. And thus they experiment at some point in their lives.

My own personal story already posted here on the forums is unique in that respect. As I considered myself to be bi-curious since my teens. But never was really attracted to other guys.

I freely gave my virginity to a woman. The very same woman that I married. And even before we married I told her of my sexuality questions and while we were dating she was fine with them. Even wanted me to talk to her daughter who she suspected was bi or a lesbian (her daughter was from a previous marriage).

Only after we got married did she being to have issues with my same gender fantasies. And I had told her I would never cross that line without her permission.

I'll rehash all the previous posts into one here. But check them out as they are linked from my profile.

In June of 2008 my wife and I escaped to a hotel for quality time and talking privately. Unknown to me at the time she had already began an EA online some 9 months prior and was well into it. She talked about my sexuality.

And wanted to know once and for all where I stood. Encouraging me to have an encounter with another man. Now of course I know why. She was hoping I would come back from it and say I was gay so we could end our relationship as friends and me none the wiser about her own infidelity.

I was initially against such actions. I was perfectly happy and sexually satisfied with my wife as my partner. She was wanting us to have a "trial separation" and that just spoke of loss of communication in our relationship. But she ended up convincing me that it had to be done otherwise our relationship could not continue as it was. I was manipulated, out of my love for her, to break that bond and experiment.

Needless to say I didn't like it. It wasnt like my fantasies. And I changed my ways to show that I indeed loved my wife and she was all I ever needed or wanted.

Feel free to check out my posts listed in my profile on this subject.

I have talked to my IC about this, I have talked to ministers that preformed our wedding. They are all in agreement with me.


My story is complicated as some are please see my profile for the links to my posts.D-Day's 12-06-2009, 21-21-2009. She filed 03-18-2009. D Final 06-22-2009

Posts: 74 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Iowa
Why??
Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, February 1st (Sunday)

*bump*


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1878 | Registered: Feb 2008
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, February 10th (Tuesday)

It feels really WEIRD...WH...having yet another Valentine...with The Boy Friend.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Crossbow
Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, February 10th (Tuesday)

There certainly can be such a thing as an "experimentation phase." I have heard of this many times, from both men and women. So I wouldn't reject that out of hand.

I haven't peeked in here for quite some time, good to see so much support going on.

It's really shattering to discover a same-sex AP; in our situation there was one of each. A real sense of "WTF do I do with THIS?"

At least we know there are others out there who have gone through the same thing.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 15th (Sunday)

Just curious...how Valentine's Day went on this thread?
The CAT and I each got a card, and then I had a green plant delivered yesterday.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, February 24th (Tuesday)

Any one's WS ever try to tell you..."I'm bi/gay" by kidding around about it (constantly!)...by "testing the waters", so to speak?
I just joke around right back knowing no *straight man* would play like this!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)

bumping this thread~


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, April 5th (Sunday)

WH has this very ANNOYING HABIT!

He always, always *jokes* around about "the gay stuffs".

Gallows humor?

Anyone else experience this?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Iwillrecover
Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 11th (Saturday)

I found out my SO had a ONS 3 months ago with a woman, he is male, I am female. I found out the next day. He didn't tell me it was by accident.

Before he met me he had done other stuff such as handjobs at massage places, prostitutes in other countries & cheated on his XW & XGF.

He said he wouldn't do any of that to me. I am thinking now he may be a SA. I just found out that a few times he has given & received handjobs from men in gym showers. I didn't know they had showers there but anyway....He did all this while in his previous relationships & says he hasn't done it since he has been with me. I'm not against homosexuality. I am only concerned with infidelity. What I am wondering is will he ever be completely satisfied with me because I don't have that male bodypart? He never even spoke to them and said that he only wants an emotional relationship with women. He says he can remain abstinent from all behaviors while with me. I'm scared that he can't.

[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 6:47 AM, April 16th (Thursday)]


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
Iwillrecover
Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, April 13th (Monday)

I am new to this forum & just found out so I am rather distressed. I also found out that when he masturbates he uses pics of women & men, more women than men & he only like women, he loves women, he's a SA. He told me it wont progress to anything else & that he wont do anything other than masturbate to pics. Could he be satisfied woth only me if he gets help for his SA?

Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
Iwillrecover
Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, April 16th (Thursday)

I found out more

[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 2:34 PM, April 21st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, April 16th (Thursday)

IWR~ he sounds very jaded...I hope you read "Don't Call it Love" by Patrick Carnes.
Have you checked out the SA thread in ICR?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Iwillrecover
Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, April 16th (Thursday)

dreamlife,

Yes I've been posting in the SA thread a lot & they have been so helpful in getting me to see that he is SA. I originally thought he'd only had the ONS & after their suggestion that he might be a SA I did a lot of questioning until he finally confessed a lot of stuff.

I'm not sure what you meant by the jaded comment...you may have been referring to my comment that he is only interested in women for emotional relationships. I meant that he is not interested in an emotional relationship with a man. They don't even speak...it's just anonymous sex. He has full sexual relationships with women & most of his cheating & porn over the years before me was women. Since being with me the porn is mostly women, some pics of penises thrown in, cheating with a woman, flirting with women & a date with a woman.

He says he will go to SA. I hope he is good at the recovery thing. He didn't even know he had a problem. Been lying to himself. Anyway didn't mean to make this about SA in this thread. Just wanted to know if he would always want something from men.

[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 6:00 PM, April 16th (Thursday)]


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 19th (Sunday)

by "jaded", I mean having to obtain MORE & DIFFERENT in order to obtain the sexual *high*.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
acheaterswife
New Member
Member # 23696
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, April 22nd (Wednesday)

I have been coming to this website for about 6 months now but have never posted. I am not much of an internet chatter so it is hard for me to do this, but I feel like I am going crazy and I need some help and support from someone who is also going through the same things.

All of this crap started about 3 years ago when I found out my H was having an A with a MW. After months of bulls*** I let him come home. A lot of circumstances led to this, the most important being that we were buying a house and I wanted to make sure that it went through for me and the kids. During this time my job started to suffer with the economy and now, again, I am totally dependent on him. That is definitly my biggest problem, I am not financially secure on my own. He is the bread winner.

Anyway....the marriage has not been the greatest since his return. He never has apologized for anything and basically I will never forgive him. Back in October of last year I accidently came across some emails my H had sent using my email address. He was replying to craigslist posts to men and women. The thing that disturbed me the most was of course the men. He says he likes servicing older men. I confronted him and he never really had an answer just that he was addicted to sex.

In February I bought a program that records everything done on the computer and I have read some really disturbing things. My friends told me not the buy the program because I didn't need to know anymore than I already did, that it would just drive me crazy but I couldn't help myself. Now I know that they were right. I am going completly nuts. And I feel myself falling into a great depression. I sleep all of the time and don't do anything around the house. I just don't care. I don't have sex with my H because he disgusts me and I am afraid of what he is doing.

Last week while reading his chats I came across one where he was talking to another married man. They were setting up a time and place to meet. The other person asked my H how he got started and he told him his cousin talked him into doing things with him when he was just a kid. Probably 11 years old. Now I am really sickened. I wondered the whole time if he had been molested as a kid but I always thought it was his dad. I know some disturbing things on him too. I just don't know how to handle this.

I feel like I am stuck. I have no job right now. We are down to one vehicle, which means I am stuck at home while he is out servicing men in my car. UGH! And I just don't know what to do. I have very little options right now.

I know this post must seem crazy. It probably doesn't make much sense. There is too much to write and I just get lost in my thoughts and they get scrambled. There is so much more to say but I just can't get it all out. I don't even know where to start and stop anymore.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2009
Shockedwife
New Member
Member # 23744
Sad  Posted: 10:29 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)

I am new to this website, as I discovered my WH of 20 years was involved in a relationship with another man half his age. I thought it was surreal. I thought I was having a nightmare. My life was not perfect, but he was my best friend. He swears this is a one and done thing.
I can tell no one, as I have a high profile job. I feel like my life as I knew it is falling apart. I never imagined I would be in this situation. He has already begun IC, to be followed by MC. He tells me he wants to be with me, but how do I ever get past the shock and devastation of not trusting him again? We have a young child and I take my marriage vows very seriously. Can this be a once and done thing or am I in for a life of lies and deceit?


BW-Me-40
WH-47
Married 17 years
D-day-4/2009
Immediate separation
He is filing for divorce because I refuse

Posts: 34 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: US
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, April 27th (Monday)

acheaterswife ~ have you gone to IC? there are numerous books and support groups for those in your situation. I will be glad to send you bonnie kaye's newsletter and you can google her.

Shockedwife ~ I feel its the latter...I have discussed this with my IC. Such "experimentation", according to her (and others), if it happens in ADULTHOOD is indicative of being bisexual/gay.
Kids or teens experiment and fool around sometimes in this manner but to have a "relationship"...I say that old adage rings true here: "Where there is smoke, there is fire".

Huge hugs to both of you and please take utmost care not to expose yourself to HIV via your WH.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 3:05 AM, April 27th (Monday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Shockedwife
New Member
Member # 23744
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 28th (Tuesday)

How many of you who had a spouse that had an A with a person of the same gender had been sexually abused as a child?
I am wondering if any of your marriages have survived this type of infidelity. Thanks!


BW-Me-40
WH-47
Married 17 years
D-day-4/2009
Immediate separation
He is filing for divorce because I refuse

Posts: 34 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: US
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)

I suspect that WH was sexually abused, but he denies it.
Patrick Carnes also covers this in his books.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
momof1
Member
Member # 23766
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, June 1st (Monday)

[This message edited by momof1 at 2:09 AM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Washington
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, June 8th (Monday)

How is everyone doing here?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Iwillrecover
Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, June 16th (Tuesday)

Hi dreamlife,

Not so well. Still not sure if my SASO in recovery is at risk of acting out with men. In "Mending a Shattered Heart" he fits the description of "straight men who have sex with men". He is a sex addict in recovery. He only wants women emotionally & only checks out women.


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:13 AM, June 20th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry, Iwillrecover.

(((((((huge hugs))))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Facade
Member
Member # 17536
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, August 12th (Wednesday)

Shockedwife,

My ex said he was raped by his brother...later, he denied it.

I'll probably never know.


Posts: 537 | Registered: Dec 2007
hitest
New Member
Member # 25159
Revenge  Posted: 12:25 AM, August 31st (Monday)

Help, mu husband of 40 years [60yo] has been going to a man for oral sex for three years. i found this out 6 months ago. He has been to a psychiatrist and a therapist and is going to meetings saying he wants to d anything to help himself and our marriage. it has come out his stepfather was sexually abusive by masterbating in front of him and his brother all the time. also his brother tried to have oral sex with him on several occasions when they were in their teens. can this abuse really cause this behaviour in the late 50 and 60's. He also was trying to pick up a few women i knew overe the last three years and they kept saying no and he finally stopped. I found all this out and then he told me everything as he says. do I believe him??? He lied about Bills to me also. I felt something was wrong for about three plus years.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: new jersey
Shockedwife
New Member
Member # 23744
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)

Hitest-I sent you a private message!


BW-Me-40
WH-47
Married 17 years
D-day-4/2009
Immediate separation
He is filing for divorce because I refuse

Posts: 34 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: US
Shockedwife
New Member
Member # 23744
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday)

Hitest-I sent you another message, sorry it takes me so long....


BW-Me-40
WH-47
Married 17 years
D-day-4/2009
Immediate separation
He is filing for divorce because I refuse

Posts: 34 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: US
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, October 25th (Sunday)

its been awhile...bumping so others know that this thread exists.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
mommyblonde
Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 26th (Monday)

Hey all,

I am new to this board. WH had an long-time EA with a woman that ended a couple of months ago. Today I found a secret e-mail account that he has been using to meet guys on Craigslist. This comes as a complete shock to me. I found out using a keylogger and I don't want to reveal it. However, I am wondering if I should confront him??

I have an IC appointment tomorrow. My IC is a CSAT so I am sure he will be able to provide me with advice. I am sick to my stomach, though, and looking for any advice I can find.

Thanks


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
Beth
Member
Member # 6381
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)

Mommyblonde,
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation but SI is a great resource and support.I can relate to this as I found myself in a very similar predicament a few years ago.
WH had an EA which turned into a PA with a woman at work. Long story short, that ended and our relationship had ( I thought) improved significantly when I came across evidence of a secret e-mail account that he had and bi-sexual groups he had joined.
Unfortunately I was never able to get into the account to see how far things had gone. After confronting him, he claimed it was a sex addiction issue, not a sexual orientation issue and saw a counselor a few times but never completed treatment or any program.
If I could offer input/advice on your situation here are some things to consider-

1. If you have a way to save or copy the contents of the e-mails I would do that right away. My H deleted a lot of stuff.
2. Now this is just my opinion and others may look at it differently, but I would not confront right away, but gather evidence and be very watchful. this is very hard to do, I know- but in my experience, the best time to gather info is when they don't think you are suspicious.
3. again, my opinion- no unprotected sex until both of you have been tested.
4. you get tested for STD's right away
5. go back and read through these threads- you are not alone!
6. IC can be very helpful

How did your appointment today go? Let us know how you are doing

Beth


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." Martin Luther King, Jr.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Feb 2005
mommyblonde
Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)

Beth,

Thank you for your response. Yes, your story sounds much like mine. Are you still with your WH?

I don't think I am going to be able to stay with my WH - there just have been too many lies over the span of the past 20 months. However, in IC today my counselor also suggested that this could be a sexual addiction issue and not necessarily an orientation issue.

Thank you for those bits of advice. I will definitely take them. I am not confronting and will continue to keep an eye on things. I did make copies of the e-mails as I am sure that he will delete them soon.


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
Beth
Member
Member # 6381
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, November 2nd (Monday)

mommyblonde,

Sorry for the delay, I am not getting on here often lately.

I am still "with" my WH, we are still legally married, share the same home and family etc...but there's not much real closeness or love at the moment. We don't fight much, but live more like roommates. No sex for a long time. It is far from ideal, but due to some family obligations it's gonna be like this for who knows how long.

If not for that I would be gone, the lying and lack of trust has damaged the relationship beyond repair, in my opinion.

Have you had any new developments or IC appointments? Found anything new? How is his behavior at this point?

Beth


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." Martin Luther King, Jr.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Feb 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, November 14th (Saturday)

Another thing that WH was doing was pretending to be this huge *skirt chaser* online...all a total SMOKE SCREEN.
The Gay MEN were there...just very deeply hidden.
Just thought this might help some of you dealing with the ongoing duping and mind fucking confusion.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
SoAlone77
New Member
Member # 26522
Target  Posted: 11:19 AM, December 13th (Sunday)

Here is my story. I posted on the Just Found Out forum and was directed here. I have read a few of the posts and am amazed at how this has gone on for years for some of you. I am very confused right now. Part of me wants to hurt and embarrass him the way the I feel I have been hurt and embarassed, and another part of me wants to see if we can work through this. Battling with VERY EVIL thoughts towards him right now.


Things have been strange in my home for at least a year. It has not been bad everyday,but we would often go through spells of not speaking for days on end. We have four young children together and have been married for nearly 10 years. For several months I have had the strangest feeling that I need to pay close attention to the hubby and that I should check into what he is doing. However, I never acted on any of it. Last friday night, I was getting ready to send him to information about something he was researching, and accidentally logged into his email account (the passwords are saved in IE). For some reason, I looked through his sent messages and ran across some nude pictures. All of them were forwarded to an unknown email address that I knew belonged to him because it has his initials and a number combo he used alot. I thought it was strange that he had never mentioned having this email address and that he would be sending nude pictures to it, so I went to that web site and was able to "hack in" to his email.
The entire inbox and sent message folder were full of messages to and from men in our local area (within a 50 mile radius) that wanted to meet up for sex. Although none of the messages indicated that he actually met any of them, they were quite disturbing. He even asked one of the men if he could come and perform oral sex on him, because "he needed a little". During this time, I was at work (he is currently unemployed) and had been rejected by him sexually over the weekend. As a matter of fact, he has been rejecting me sexually for a while. We were only having sex sometimes once a month. It wasn't due to my lack of desire or willingness. He was even sending messages back and forth during the Thanksgiving holidays! I confronted him about it and he swore that it never went past chatting online, but I am not so sure.

The same email client has an instant messenger component, so I logged in to that as well. His profile picture was a nude picture of him showing his rear end. All of the contacts were gay or bisexual men (about 43 of them) and they had all met on a pornographic site which we will call NA for short. Some person randomly IMed out of the blue and asked, "When are you going to suck my <censored> again?" I pretended to be him and asked when and where. He stated a particular street in a nearby area that my husband is quite familiar with. He also described our NEW car we just bought (make and model) and said that he performed sexual acts in it. When I revealed who I was, he denied it and said he was only joking. Who jokes about something like that???

I continue to catch him in lies. Although he assures me that he has told me everything and is dedicated to making our marriage work, I cannot trust him. I am not sure if I want to make things work. Our marriage was not the best before all of this and if he is attracted to men, there is nothing that I can do about that. I think he is in denial about his sexuality or simply determined to use myself and our children as a cover because he doens't want the whole package that comes with an open gay lifestyle. He also said it was just something to do to pretend and have friends because he has no other friends. Well, if that were the case, why deny affection or intimacy with your wife?

He seems to think that by playing Christian music and TV and trying to do nice things for me will make the situation go away. However, I'm not being swayed in the least. I feel that our marriage is over and, although I'm not making any sudden moves, things will never be the same between us.

What do you all think? I need serious help. I have only shared this information with 1 other Godly and prayerful person and another person that I met through his contacts. I am scheduled to have an AIDS test done next week. I am not sure what to expect

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Posts: 3 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Georgia
Crossbow
Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, December 13th (Sunday)

SoAlone, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

Are you seeking MC? That could perhaps help you both sort out what's going on and what choices you (both) want to make.

I hate to mention this part, but please get yourself checked for STDs - everything, including herpes, and HPV (as well as the HIV test you are already doing); sometimes the battery of STD tests don't cover those as well. Whether he's been sexual with women or men, he has put himself and you at risk for STDs.

In the meantime, don't betray your sources - you may need them for further evidence and/or confirmation. "Snooping" is totally legit when your spouse is cheating and lying and covering up. You *need* the information, so use every technique available to get it - and keep getting it.

I am a Christian too; however, I'd recommend a MC who is not specifically religious. Sometimes issues of sexual orientation and (perhaps especially) sex addiction are better addressed outside the world of church and religion. Your WH also may be very unlikely to be honest with a pastoral counselor, out of extreme shame and guilt, whereas a non-church MC could perhaps get more out of him, which would in turn help you both.

I wish you the very best.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, January 14th (Thursday)

SoAlone ~ how are you doing?

We are here for you.

(((((hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Hurting27
Member
Member # 26026
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, January 19th (Tuesday)

I was redirected over here from my originally post in the general forum. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=336664

I don't even know where to start. I am so overwhelmed that I can barely function.

First my WS and I have had tons of problems in our marriage. But I like many others never thought he would cheat. In June of 2008 we had a big fight and I said I couldn't do this anymore. He immediately jumped at what I said and said he was done to. Turns out he already had a plan and his family was helping him get out of this *horrible* marriage. So we separate and I don't find out until August 2008 that he has had a whole secret life for many years. Secret myspace, emails and chats. He of course denied it all. So we were separated for 11 months.
So we get back together around March 2009.

When we got back together turns out he was still lying. But oddly enough lying about what he did while we were separated. He lied about NOT having a gf who I called from a call log! He also lied about charges from adultfriendfinder. I could clearly see the name of the charge and he still tried to lie and say it was just a regular porn site. I know it is a site for casual sex ads. Who pays for porn?? Its all over the internet! I also found out he lied about getting a b/j from a woman. And of course tons and tons of lies about what really happened in all those years he was lying/cheating. **And another big part I left out was. He actually told his gf he dated while we were separated that I was just moving back up there with him because I was ill! Now she dumped him! And she tried to just stay friends with him. Now why would he lie to her and say that we were not getting back together? He said he told her we were getting back together and she told me he did not say we were! Just that I would be staying with him. I of course believe her! She was pissed when we talked and she bashed him like no tomorrow!

So fast forward to the last 2 months. We are trying to reconcile now for almost 11 months. I have been VERY ill from my body not responding well to being pregnant. I got a severe pregnancy complication and was mostly on bed rest. I ended up having my baby VERY early but he is NICU and making it everyday so far. 3 weeks before I gave birth I had this feeling I should look up a screen name he used on adultfriender. Now the profile is deleted but it does show old cashed stuff on a google search. I basically saw that he posted he was looking for women. I had saw that a while back. But how ironic all the sudden a google search revealed a old post from a gay sister site to adultfriendfinder that showed a profile for the same screen name on there! This was ALL the way back in 2004. It was him looking to be in a 3 some with bi man and a woman. He said he just signed up for it for points. He said back then in 2004 two months after we got married! That there was a way to earn points to access profiles and web cams. I do not think this is true. The account at the site has been canceled and I can see that there has been no log in since we have gotten back together in March 2009.

Now I am not sure if he is gay bi or whatever!! I am so confused. This man has a major lying problem. I would say compulsive but he doesn't lie about everyday things. But I am not sure if that matters or not. I honestly do not think that he has cheated in the last 11 months we have been back together. But that doesn't mean he isn't just laying low. Our lives have been so stressful due the pregnancy and other life issues. We haven't even had time for therapy. But now he is seeing a IC Wed and said I could come. He only got serious about IC after I found out he was still in trickle truth. Found out he was talking to a ex gf when we were separated. Again why lie about things when he was so called *free* to do whatever he wanted. He said he is realizing he has a major issue with lying. He says he does not understand why he is doing this.

Now I am not sure what to think. I am so stressed. HE is the breadwinner. I am still recovering from csection and infections. I am having a horrible time right now. Like I said I do not think he is cheating currently. But obviously the lying is in full swing. And I know lying and cheating go hand in hand a lot of times.

I can not over the gay site stuff I found out about out of my head! I have confronted him and he got upset and said I am not gay! I did keep pushing it. And he said I feel like you are trying to make me admit this! And I pointed out clearly in 2004 that he posted that gay ad for a 3some. He maintains that he just quickly signed up for all their sites to get points to the main adutfriendfinder. And when I told him I saw nothing about points on there he said it could have changed. Again he cheated no matter what for years. But I still feel like I dont know if he is bi/gay. HE has a SEVERE lying problem. This man will NEVER admit he is bi/gay.

But again I am not sure if it was a one time thing. I dont know if it was just because he was curious. HE also put the location for the ad in another state because he was on a business trip. So yeah he totally could have screwed around on me with whoever then! I feel like I will never know. And this stuff is eating at me.

I am so stressed right now and feel sort of stuck. I don't have the money to just up and leave. My baby is stuck in the NICU and will be there for a long time. We have a long road for that. He stands by he is not gay but did cheat and lie for years. He stands by the gay ad statment he made. And he says he wants our family. We have never had sex issues. We have great sex and I don't see many other signs except a few odd things. But I feel like now I am overly hyper sensitive about watching him. Everyhting is a flag.

I simply don't know what to do. I don't have hardcore evidence. I haven't been able to find out anything else besides one ad from 2004. There are no other flags. I just had a baby. But I find myself sinking into a bad depression. I can't get over this. I guess I needed to vent. I feel so hopeless.

Oh and one more thing when I talked to him today about it. I did tell him he would never admit it. I was clam and very blunt. After he said many times he was not gay I just told him I wasn't sure if I could do this. And one thing that really bothered me is he seemed to focus in on that I would be slandering him if I told people. I was like me showing someone that old ad that is you on a site that is for gay men is not slandering you. It is a reason I would leave because I don't feel like I can trust if you are straight or not. I just thought that was so odd how he was worried about being slandered.

I think he is a complete loon.


BS-30
Most recent D-day-3/10-more trickle truth came out.
Attempting to R


Posts: 323 | Registered: Oct 2009
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, January 20th (Wednesday)

welcome...sorry about all you are going through.
have you read on bonkaye's website yet?
take good care of you and baby at this time; it is, what it is.
keep posting here and hang in there.
sending you huge hugs.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, January 21st (Thursday)

I'm trying to figure out if my WH could be bi. I would never asked him cause he mentioned a close male friend asked him if he was gay (about 25 years ago) because he wouldnt go after the ladies at a club they were at and he never spoke to the guy again.

We have been maried for 23 years, two kids, work at the same place, highly respected at his job, my family and friends, everywhere and had/has an appox. 10 year LTA with a female coworker which we are about to divorce over.

Here's my dilema:
I stole his secret prepaid phone and spent an hour texting OW and she texted back thinking it was my WH. In one of the text, I said "my wife is putting me out because of my relationship with you". OW responded "you need to talk to someone you can trust, talk to Calvin".

I do not know a Calvin. This guy has never been mentioned, ever. So I'm assuming this Calvin is someone supersecret.

WH adamantly claims the OW is just friend who he talks to and never had sex with her. She knows about this Calvin and I don't. He's someone he can trust but I don't know him and never heard that name before?

He's homophobic.

He had prostate cancer surgery in 2007 and rarely tries to have intercourse with me but regularly provides oral stimulation.

When we do have intercourse, the only position we have ever used is him on his side entering me that way.

Currently, he likes me to perform oral sex on him and pushes my head down (why do they do that?)

My WH has been living a secret life since we've been married. He leaves the house in the evening and comes home at the wee hours of the morning. Before D-Day, he always says he was "playing chess with the guys". Since D-Day, he doesnt play anymore. Can't figure out why not.

My WH is an extremely private person and would never want it to get out that he enjoys being with a man. He would NEVER admit that to me but I have this feeling in my gut that I am wrong about him having an affair with our female coworker. I feel like there is something much bigger he's trying to keep from me. Being with a man would defintely be the big thing he would want to keep from me.

I'm not bragging or anything, but before I got married, I dated alot and had lots of sex. I know I was very good at giving oral sex on a man - very good at it. Since I've been with my WH, I felt like I lost my touch with that. Now, since his surgery, its even harder to please him. Every now and then I can get him going.

But I got this feeling that he's getting his sex from another man.

How can you tell if your husband is doing that?

He had me order a hollow strap-on so he could satisfy me better. When he saw the box with the man wearing the strap on, he got really excited about. We havent used it yet.

I just need some tips at how to nonchalantly find out if my WH is into having oral sex or more with another man?

If that is the case, could the OW who I think he's having an affair with just be the best girlfried he confides in about this? When I was texting her (pretending to be my WH), she never invited him to move in with her which made me wonder what kind of relationship do they really have?

I'm really confused about this and really need some replies.


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
Hurting27
Member
Member # 26026
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, January 24th (Sunday)

Star- I just wanted to say I am starting to think my husbands 2 plus year emotional affair was actually possibly just a cover. He says he never did anything sexually with her. And I think he was using her as a cover while he may have been seeing men. Also they were longtime friends and she has many gay male friends. So I am honestly wondering like you if the female was actually a cover.


And in general I have confronted my WS many times. The only proof I have is that one ad from 2004. And now I feel tortured everyday wondering. And not to mention he has lied for years on end. Why would he admit he was bi/gay to me? I have asked him point blank. Sometimes he gets pissed. I have even said you do realize you are still possibly gay/bi even if it was just a blowjob right? And he just say f@ck you! Nice. So now I am constantly looking at him odd and asking him. He gets mad but also just calmly says no I am not gay and I sorry a stupid ad I don't even remember making is making you doubt my sexuality.

I have been lied to so much I just can not even hardly trust my gut anymore. I am not sure what to do. He is really all about our new baby boy. He is all excited about doing things as a family.

And to top it off. I know 100% he would just go and get in another relationship with another woman after me. He did while we were separated. I feel really stuck financially speaking and just emotionally.

I hate that I have no proof. I know straight men don't post on sites like that. And his excuse of just signing up for points for the adult friend finder sister site does not make sense.

To me he is a coward. Regardless if he is acting out on it or not doesn't take away the fact that he lied/cheated for years. I really feel if I didn't just have a baby with him I would run!!: (


BS-30
Most recent D-day-3/10-more trickle truth came out.
Attempting to R


Posts: 323 | Registered: Oct 2009
Star727
Member
Member # 22026
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, January 24th (Sunday)

In our circle (work and home), he could NEVER admit being bi/gay (down low). He just couldnt and wouldnt do it.

I can see this woman being a cover. That thought explains a lot. It explains why she isnt offering him a place to stay (he's staying with his childhood guy friend). If they were that much in love with each other since they've been keeping in regular contact for at least 10 years, then as soon as I kicked him out, she would have immediately moved him in with her. She would finally get what she wanted.

But thats not the case. He didnt go to her and still maintains that I was wrong.

Well, he's doing something that he considers extremely secret and is willing to let his marriage go down the drain to protect. Protecting his secret of being on the "down low" by pretending a relationship with another woman makes total sense.

I just wish he had used a woman I didnt know. This woman works with us and I've known her for over 20 years. I think I could have dealt with this better if I didnt know who she was. Its a daily slap in the face to me when I see her knowing she's in a secret relationship with my husband. Too hard to live with.

If he's on the "down low", he will never own up to it. EVER. I would have to catch him with a man, thats the only way I will know for sure.


Me 55, H 60, Married 25 yrs
2 Kids, 19 & 24
H had long term EA with coworker.


"It ain't about love anymore."


Posts: 765 | Registered: Dec 2008
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, January 25th (Monday)

hmmm...him getting *excited* seeing the pic of the MAN on that box is pretty telling to me!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Learning more
New Member
Member # 27448
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)

I found out about my ex-husbands affairs 16 years ago. We divorced shortly after and had two children who are now 18 and 21.

While I have come to grips with everything that happened to me. I will never forgive him for abandoning our children too. There is NO excuse for it!

I also wanted to share that there was one book that I found to really help me through the pain, "The Other Side of the Closet".


Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2010
mplpmom
Member
Member # 27266
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, February 10th (Wednesday)

So far, I have only posted in JFO, but someone sent me over to the I Can Relate forum. I guess I belong here too, in addition to Law Enforcement, SA, LTA, and coworker ICR threads - is there a record for how many ICR threads a person falls into : )?

My latest JFO post with all the gory details is here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=340098

There were not any signs H was as straight as an arrow, a cop, never a hint of any homosexual tendencies - I still am like "this can't be true, he can't be gay" but then I read his chats with men and trannies as well as other women and I just start shaking uncontrollably. During one of his chats with a cross-dresser s/he sent my H photos where s/he was wearing nothing but a loose knit fishnet body stocking. The next day I saw a women in the cafeteria wearing a perfectly normal pair of netted black tights with her business suit and I almost collaspes on the spot. I can't get the images and the graphic converations out of my head - I am not sure I ever will. I thought the triggers I had when I only knew about his LTA with a female coworker were bad, but nothing compares to this...The worst part is that I am collecting more evidence everyday and plan to confront him next week and begin the D process, so in the meantime I am having to act normal and pleasant, as if I was still trying to R, sitting down at the dinner with him and my 2 kids (4 and 1 yo) and making pleasant converation. I must be doing what they call "compartamentalizing."

A few weeks ago, I told him that his A with his female coworker was the worst thing that had or probably ever would happen to me in my life...how wrong I was.



Me - BW (36)
Him - WH (35)
M - 7 years, together 11
DD - 5, DS - 2
DDay - 12/26/09
R is an on again off again ride and I am starting to feel queasy.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2010
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, February 13th (Saturday)

Yes, Learningmore, that is a great book!

I think they have a certain way of tightly *compartmentalizing* which is how they can hide it so well.

hugs, everyone!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, March 13th (Saturday)

~bumping to let others know about this thread.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Lacy J
Member
Member # 27714
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, March 28th (Sunday)

Hey guys...

Spent the last little while reading through this thread.

I found out 3 days ago that not only has my WH been addicted to porn, cybersex and online dating ($20,000 worth- I have the cc debt to prove it), BUT WH had 2 ONS's with 2 different transvestites a year ago... WTF?? He had accounts at Fetlife and other places, but only communicated with women- from what I saw...

He said he didn't ever want to be with another woman but me, so he thought that this would be better...

I found multiple emails in his secret account (from 2-3 years ago) to women about looking for a cute sexy gal to have fun this weekend, discreet fun, let me know if you're interested- kind of things.. he swears he NEVER ever did anything with another woman and these women he was talking to weren't the transvestites (because the ONS took place a year ago- not 2-3 years ago when he wrote the emails).... I think there is SO MUCH more I don't even know about yet!! There has to be more... I'm just waiting to hear it all... How can he go from addicted to porn and dating and cybersex with women to ACTUAL sex with a man?? It's so bizarre!

Anyway, if he's going to act out and he's 'not gay' why would my husband chose to screw a man with a penis and big tits? He gave it to them- didn't get it. He received oral sex from them... did he fondle their hard on while he was screwing them? OMG!!

Why would he do this? he says he's not gay or bi and had no interest in a man... he says he thought it was better than being with another women... um, NO!!

WH dresses very well- looks metro. Not into sports or hunting... would rather be chatting with the women. WH is very into fashion- loves me to look sexy. Is very manly sometimes but also in touch with his feminine side...

If he was going to step out, why do it with a transvestite?

I'm so confused! I'm so shocked! I'm still sick.... I can't get the mind movies to go away...

Any ideas or thoughts or suggestions?

Maybe he is gay? Ot maybe he is so eff-ed up by this SA?

Help me please- It's just so bizarre!

[This message edited by Lacy J at 12:54 AM, March 28th (Sunday)]


Me- 26
Him- 27
Little Dude- 2
Separated- beginning of March

D-Day 2/18/10: 5+ years of porn, online dating, and cybersex and $20,000 secret cc debt to do so.

D-Day 3/24/10: 2 ONS's and EA/make out with old g/f

Filed for D 8/23/10


Posts: 654 | Registered: Feb 2010
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, March 30th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry you are going through all this mind-numbing tranny stuff...its been suggested that it could be a type of "penis fetish"?

Are you in IC?

Hang in there though its really difficult. Someone might have more/differing answers than I.
Please google BonKaye.

In my case, seems WH wanted to BE the transvestite at times.

(((((huge hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, May 29th (Saturday)

bumping to let newbies know this thread exists~


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Bellatrix
Member
Member # 29003
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)

My WH's OP was a man as well. I knew my husband was bisexual when we were dating. He had broken up with a guy friend of mine a little while before we got together.

Both of his past EA's (which I knew about pretty quick) and the PA I found out about almost 2 weeks ago were with men.

He and I have had a good sex life, as good as you can when the honeymoon wears off :) 3-5 times a week, both of us bonding and enjoying, but he's admitted to me I'm the only woman he's ever been able to have sex with.

During the first EA he stopped having sex with me, said he wasn't attracted to me anymore. We separated for 6 months, and he came back. He wanted to R, and we did well until about 6 months ago, then his second EA cropped up, and then this EA turned PA real quick.

Still having sex during the whole thing... I dunno what to think really.

I asked him what he was planning on the A turning into. Was he looking for a new partner? He said his hope (FANTASY) was that we'd all be together. The three of us.

Yeah I just don't know...


Me-BW: 24
Him-STBX: 29
D-Day 7-4-10
False R during which he was planning to move his OM in as soon as I left him.
Separated 7-23-10
Filed for D 7-30-10

Posts: 200 | Registered: Jul 2010
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, July 16th (Friday)

I see this type of "3-some" (with 2 men & W) addressed a lot in Wives of Bi/Gay Husbands, a private yahoo group.
Lots of good info & cameraderie there!
In this day of incurable HIV, what a foolhardy crazy Fantasy & quite possibly a fatal one,too!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Bellatrix
Member
Member # 29003
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, July 16th (Friday)

Well and even if one of you is ok with it, you have to respect the feelings of the one who isn't.

I refuse to settle for that kind of empty relationship just to hold on to him. I'd end up the housewife and the nursemaid. No thank you!


Me-BW: 24
Him-STBX: 29
D-Day 7-4-10
False R during which he was planning to move his OM in as soon as I left him.
Separated 7-23-10
Filed for D 7-30-10

Posts: 200 | Registered: Jul 2010
stunned wife
Member
Member # 28899
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, July 16th (Friday)

I've been married for a little over 4 years now and 2 years ago I found out my H has been having a guy come to our house for a quickie(almost weekly). Lately I don't believe he has due to a new job that he's been working 6 days a week and hasn't been able to schedule himself off a weekday yet. We don't have any kids and haven't been intimate in a while and I've been tested for std's and I'm ok. I can't help but worry about how to break this news to him that I know he's been cheating and I want divorced. I know he didn't think about hurting me when he does this but I'm past the point of being hurt and just want to handle this the best way I can without hurting him(I know he will hurt and there's nothing I can do to change that). Its just since its not another women but another man that makes this so much more difficult because I have to call him out. I don't see him wanting that ype of relationship so I suppose its the sex act itself. How do you break this news to your WS when iys something that I know he doesn't want anybody knowing about? I'm mad at myself for wasting 2 years of my life already since I got proof of all this all because I'm trying to handle this the best way possible. I don't want anything from him. I just want divorced. Iso badly wish it was another woman!

Posts: 56 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Minnesota
Bellatrix
Member
Member # 29003
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 18th (Sunday)

I dunno... if it's a man to me it makes it both easier and harder. Easier because you know it wasn't you... it's so his issues. Harder because how do you compete with that?

My WH and I have a good sex life. Nothing from penthouse, but really good. He prefers men. The thing that he wants is a new shiny relationship every year or so... which no matter the sex of the person won't lead to happiness.

I'm tired of dealing with him looking for the new and shiny while leaving me here with my DD. It's time for him to decide if he is going to settle down and accept me, who he loves and is attracted to, or if he wants a new guy every few months so he can constantly be in that infatuation phase.

Not all gay men are whores, but a lot of them are!!!!


Me-BW: 24
Him-STBX: 29
D-Day 7-4-10
False R during which he was planning to move his OM in as soon as I left him.
Separated 7-23-10
Filed for D 7-30-10

Posts: 200 | Registered: Jul 2010
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, July 21st (Wednesday)

That phrase..."settle down"...just hit me.
WH always denigrated "settling down" between straight folks who want to marry, but he's just obsessed with Gay M & thinks its wonderful!

Anyone else here ever hear from their spouse how Gay M is like the cat's pajammas?

If I did not have my IC, my support groups, Bonnie Kaye, and TIME to process tgt, I would be like a frenzied nutty hamster on a constantly turning wheel.

Huge hugs to everyone going through this.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Bellatrix
Member
Member # 29003
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 22nd (Thursday)

We had an interesting conversation the other night on the difference between gay men as couples, gay women, and then straight couples.

He was willing to admit that most gay men don't settle down until their 30's or 40's because of the immaturity factor. The fact that gay men aren't pressured to go to school and get a great job, because there is no family to support. They don't have mortgages and kids in their mid to late twenties like many straight couples.

I said that I think women are the factor there, because gay women couples (granted these examples come from my own experience) tend to stay together a little longer and be more monogamous, that it's a maturity issue.

I actually got the point across to him that the want for a new shiny relationship every year or so stems from immaturity, and once he grew up he'd want to settle down. He agreed with me.

I guess what gets me is that the last time the new and shiny didn't work out he came back to me. If he pursues shiny this time, i won't be here to come back to, and deep down, I really know he'll regret it. I know that I'm the 40 year old gay man he wants to settle down with... he just can't see it, and doesn't want to be ready for that now.

Le sigh.


Me-BW: 24
Him-STBX: 29
D-Day 7-4-10
False R during which he was planning to move his OM in as soon as I left him.
Separated 7-23-10
Filed for D 7-30-10

Posts: 200 | Registered: Jul 2010
stunned wife
Member
Member # 28899
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, July 25th (Sunday)

I know cheating is cheating no matter if its with a man or woman but why does WH feel like he can have the best of both worlds. A wife and other men to satisfy some needs and urges that he has? Why can't he just decide what he really wants and live with it. If he wants to be with men then go and do it. Almost daily I hear him talking about how he hates people lying to him and he's living the biggest lie both to me and himself. I will see how my 2nd IC appointment goes this Friday. I'm glad I feel comfortable with my counselor. I've always been a pretty shy person and opening up isn't usually easy for me but my first appointment went really well. I'm not sure what to expect at the next appointment or how this will exactly help me but after living this way for 2 years I have to try something to give me strength and courage to have the divorce talk.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Minnesota
Bellatrix
Member
Member # 29003
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 26th (Monday)

[This message edited by Bellatrix at 10:27 AM, July 27th (Tuesday)]


Me-BW: 24
Him-STBX: 29
D-Day 7-4-10
False R during which he was planning to move his OM in as soon as I left him.
Separated 7-23-10
Filed for D 7-30-10

Posts: 200 | Registered: Jul 2010
Bellatrix
Member
Member # 29003
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, August 10th (Tuesday)

Got tested for STD's and the results are back.

Negative for everything! I have to go and take ANOTHER HIV test in 2 months (they said its best to wait for 3 months from last sexual contact)

Luckily since I am preggo, they tested me for HIV and syphilis almost 5 months ago... so if I have anything it's NEW and I know it's from this last affair.

Were there other men? Who knows. It will be nice to date again. i've forgotten what it's like to be truly WANTED by a man :)


Me-BW: 24
Him-STBX: 29
D-Day 7-4-10
False R during which he was planning to move his OM in as soon as I left him.
Separated 7-23-10
Filed for D 7-30-10

Posts: 200 | Registered: Jul 2010
lmarturn10
New Member
Member # 29550
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, September 8th (Wednesday)

I'm so glad I was directed to this topic...I posted the following today in the new section.. I was trying to handle it but hit rock bottom...again.

I have been married 23 years--with 3 kids. In the last year I lost my father, my job and struggled to figure it all out as my husband became more and more withdrawn. We had always been best friends, taught in the same schools--involved with our family and there for each other

Finally I sought therapy, and as one of my goals thought I should work on my communication with my husband, since I have always believed any marital problem is half mine. When I brought home information about my goals...he said "how about if it will never work out?" He admitted to an ongoing affair for the past 2 1/2 years with his male best friend, he wants a divorce and is in love with him. He had been living a dual life...and now his choice to be happy has destroyed his family and affected a wide range of people.

I struggle with depression, figuring out what to do with my life and trying to help my older children (17-22) deal with the anger and pain--confusion and general sadness of his choices. The questions of what was real and what wasn't...the how to let go when despite how much I have been lied to I still love the guy. Of losing everything, financial stability..and all of the plans we had made for the future...which he continued to make up until the moment he told me.

Has anyone had something similar, or know of resources to read...I've found a few--and maybe it is just time I need, but the pain is so overwhelming at times. This month (Sept) we would have been married 24 years...how can someone throw that all away? Or how can they lie about who they are for the first 24? Nothing makes sense.


Me (BS)-45
Him (WH)-46
3 children: 17, 20, 22
Affair with ssbf for 2.5 years
D/Day: 1/16/10
Separated: He is filing.

"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that whe


Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Oregon
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, September 18th (Saturday)

Sending you a PM.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 5th (Tuesday)

WH e-mailed me that its his "friday" today as his days off and hours change frequently at his job. Sometimes, he seems unusually happy when he's got the next 2 days off and I can't tell if its because of the bipolar...or tgt!
Its not the normal type of TGIF stuff, either.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
CanISurvive
Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, December 12th (Sunday)

There are three separate forums in "I Can Relate" that I appear to be able to claim membership to. I am a former sexual abuse survivor. I am posting here as my WW is having an affair with a former female student who is half her age. As she refused to stop the affair on DDay, I told her she would need to move out as I would be able to stand seeing her disappear to be with the girl. So she moved out, and now either she goes and visits the girl on weekends or the girl comes back to my WW for weekends (I am alone, she is with the "other woman").

WW is now in counseling for her issues. I wanted to at least try some joint counseling to resolve communication problems. According to WW, new counselor advised against joint counseling with me for now until WW has resolved her issues. Apparently, WW continuing the affair relationship is not an issue for the counselor.

Thankfully the anti-depressants, my counseling appointments, my brother, and now a few close friends who I can talk to have really helped me to get through the days. I still have trouble functioning some days, or even getting out of bed on weekends. I also have our two small but very wonderful dogs to keep me company.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, December 22nd (Wednesday)

Can ~ I am very sorry that you are going through this.
I'm glad you have supportive loving people in your life that you can talk to and that sweet fur kid who loves you unconditionally.

(((huge hugs)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, January 12th (Wednesday)

Its the New Year...how is everybody doing?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, January 16th (Sunday)

bump~


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
CanISurvive
Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, January 18th (Tuesday)

New Year is starting. Looking like WW and I will be starting the D thing soon as the A continues. WW is presently being more civil, and has agreed to look at possiblity of JC (not MC, but just JC to improve our communication).

Will likely pursue the Mediated Divorce route and look at an amicable parting. I may be keeping the house. Now I just have to figure out how to cover mortgage and expenses when the household income gets cut in half.


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, February 13th (Sunday)

How is everybody doing here?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:15 AM, May 16th (Monday)

~bump~


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, June 18th (Saturday)

bumping~


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
glad2Bfree
Member
Member # 31318
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, June 18th (Saturday)

I belong here too. Like someone said earlier, finding your spouce with a same sex AP is both harder and easier. Easier because the drive to compete with the AP is gone and harder because well you just can't compete.
My XWH AP was so god damn smug about it too, like he was going to "save" him.


"there ain't no good guys.. there ain't no bad guys... there's only you and me, and we just disagree.."

Posts: 325 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: west coast
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, June 19th (Sunday)

Welcome, glad!
I understand what you mean.
Does the AP go to your home or is this what your WH mentions to you?
I despise those SMUG creeps!

((((hugs)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
CanISurvive
Member
Member # 29788
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, July 24th (Sunday)

Yeah the OP/AP was a smug little 18 yo....and they spent a LOT of time together at our house leading up to the A. I will not be able to keep the house. I can't afford payments, can't refi til divorce is final, and won't have enough equity to weather the predicted 10% home value loss over the next year. My dogs and I will have to be here to maintain the house til it sells, then scramble to find a place to stay. Ugh. So tired of this...


D final 11/25/2011 -- on Black Friday! ;-)

Moved my stats to my Profile; click there for my story.

I am a Phoenix; I may be in the ashes stage at the moment, but I am now actively working on my Rebirth. =)

PS: I edit posts for typos & clarity


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: California
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, July 30th (Saturday)

My WH is still doling out the $ and keeping me in the dark. I just have to bide my time until...its prudent for me to file for D.
Its so hard to keep hanging on ~but I know I just have to!
And, I'm so pissed off tonite after reading his lying ass e-mail!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
survivingslowly
Member
Member # 14214
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 2nd (Tuesday)

Here's a different perspective......I don't judge what anyone has ever had to deal with or is dealing with, but here's an experience from a child (now adult) of a bi-parent.

I'm now in my 40's and have "known" that my dad was bi since I was 7 yrs. old.

Didn't know the term for it back then but we must have heard them argue. He left for about 4 days, then came back.

t/j....funny story.....we must have heard my parents arguing (presumambly when my dad came out to my mom), and the words homosexual and bisexual were tossed around.

My sister who is 1 year older than me precociously explained to me that "homosexual" was when people had sex at home and bisexual was when people had sex b/f one was to leave on a trip. LOL

He officially came out to us kids when I was 19, but, by then it was only a formality since we had "known" somehow since early childhood.

My parents are still together and have been for almost 47 years!

It's out in the open, he is still "active" (I'm assuming since we don't talk about it), but there are no secrets.

Whatever my parents did to work it all out, I have no idea. But they did.

Probably more than half of the pain of infidelity is the secrets, lies, betrayal.

My mom doesn't have to deal with that since it's out in the open.

She accepts him as he is, loves him as he is, and allows him to explore his "other" side.

Totally weird, I know. I don't know if I could ever have done that if I was in that situation.

But.....I'm glad that they did not divorce. We did have a fine and fun upbringing and I don't know what our lives would have looked like if they had divorced.....most likely my mom would have moved back to her home country in Europe since she had only been here for 7 years when she first found out.

I have had the rare and unusual conversation with my dad about this.....he loves my mom, but he also wants to have sex with men. He doesn't ever want a relationship with another man, just the occasional encounter with them. Most of the time, this was tmi for me and very uncomfortable but I was trying to learn more and had initiated these conversations.

We have a truly unique family. We do love each other and also like each other. We've remained close all through the years.

I accept my dad. I love him.

But, I'm more in awe of my mom. How does she do it? Is she stupid, or is it love.....or co-dependence or is it just what you did back then (70's)?

I will never know.

I do know that if my mother should die b/f my dad.....he will never get involved with a man....he will become a hermit....him and his dog.

I don't know why I decided to post this....maybe just to shed a light on another perspective, not sure.

I'm the BS and sometimes I kinda feel like dealing with a same sex OP would be easier than an OW, but, again, would never judge as I know the pain of betrayal is very deep. (with same sex OP, you don't go through all the comparing etc.) But it hurts no matter what. It's still a betrayal, and of course a complete shock for those that would have had absolutely no idea that their life partner would even entertain such ideas.

(((hugs to all who are suffering)))


BS-me
FWH-him

dday#1-March/07

Fully reconciled. Life is really good!!


Posts: 318 | Registered: Apr 2007
Syzy
Member
Member # 15190
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, August 5th (Friday)

Thanks for sharing that. I think generally, while unconventional, some people can work in that arrangement as long as there are no bullshit and lies. And the person is safe.

But it is hard to know if the non bi partner is just putting up with it for love or if they are really okay with it. I've known of both situations. Generally it was more often that the woman was bisexual and the husband was okay with it.

Sex is messy though because at the heart of it emotions come with the package most of the time.

I think sometimes people really are bisexual. and most of them end up in heterosexual marriages for obvious reasons, its easier and there are more heterosexuals. But in the case of SS infidelity a lot of times the person has been in some form of denial about their sexual preference for again obvious reasons. The world hasn't made it very easy to be gay. So while the OP may not be around or last forever the sexual preference most often will be.

[This message edited by Syzy at 6:09 PM, August 5th (Friday)]


BS
Dday Aug 17, 2006
R - what's that.
Me - Moved on long ago.
It takes two to make it work, but only one to fuck it up.

Posts: 945 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: So Cal
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, August 14th (Sunday)

I made it crystal clear at the onset that I don't SHARE my H.
Not with another man or with another woman.
WH agreed and I believed him.
"Exclusive" means just *that* in my book.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Agate
New Member
Member # 33038
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, August 22nd (Monday)

I am looking to share notes with everyone because I have no proof.

I have been married to my H for over a decade. When we first met, our sex life was very intense and wonderful. People often commented on our kissing fests that we "needed to get a room".

Still, one time a frenemy of his said, "He's gay you know". Well, I had just ended an R with a bi man, and this WAS NOT GAY, at least that's what I thought at the time. I completely ignored that remark. When I asked my H about it, he would say that guy was trying to steal me or that he was commenting about a time my H could have gotten this one girl who had a bad tempered X and decided to decline her offer. I let it go.

One time around then, when I was at work, he let a gay man buy him beers. Nothing more. He also had a couple of sexually ambiguous friends. I would comment sometimes that he was gay throughout the years as a joke. He always got very angry. I stopped as I realized it wasn't a funny joke. He said I was going too far.

My H seemed to have issues with alcohol, so we moved to the suburbs and set up a normal life away from the party scene and got married.

There were a couple things about our sex life that seemed a little strange. First of all, he did NOT do quickies. Just didn't. And he was only 21.

I thought it was strange, too, that he never really initiated sex, never came over to me with a hard on in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning. When I discovered how to have multiples, he actually got really angry with me. He said, great, now it's going to take forever. When I told him later how much this hurt my feelings, he said it was already taking an hour for me to climax. But he hated quickes?? I was getting really confused. I lost the ability to have multiples because of my axiety over the confrontation. I would frequently just take care of things myself, this was very normal and he would usually play on the computer or do something else. He also said that it was important for me to initiate so that he felt wanted. This is what made me think of NPD, as I read that is a common feature of needing to feel that the woman is a "whore".

So, other things, we've NEVER had sex in the morning. He likes dark. Got rid our our "sex light", too, gave it to our dd, despite my feelings being hurt and also being confused as to why he was getting rid of it.

He would never have sex at a guest house, a family members house, or in a motel. When we travelled abroad, I remember having sex once there.

Despite these few issues, our sex life has been very satisfying, and sometimes I would think about what his frenemy had said and laugh, etc.

Then, about 3 years ago, he began having ED issues. The frequency changed to almost never. He had started taking Kratom for "back pain" and complained of depression. He got a vasectomy.

It became hit or miss if he could achieve orgasm. He started asking for more blow jobs. At one point his doctor prescribed dexedrine, which did help a little, but made him very angry.

He switched to vicodin and paxil which only made our sex life worse.

During this time, he started to amp up severe Passive aggressive behaviors, including withholding sex, not talking to me, putting me down, doing "covert" absusive, insulting things - you know, things only "I" would know were hurtful. He would deny, deny deny.

I began to suspect that he was seeing someone. But nothing turned up.

This year, it all reached a peak, no sex, massive passive aggression, complete emotional withdrawl, doubling his vicodin usage (double the safe limit) and finding more to finish out the month, doubling paxil.

It ended with a complete shut down of our sexual relationship. He said he was having a mid life crisis. I had always cut his hair. He said I made him look like a "dweeb" for cutting it so short, he changed his style, started pulling away. I had always cut his hair, it was our thing. He refused to wear the cologne I got him because he said it was "gay".

During this time, I felt he might be interested in someone at work, a female. I questioned him and he again denied. but, I found out that he had had fantasies about other boys during high school.

One time, he was holding me, looking at the ground, shaking and sweating after I had asked him if there was anything he wanted to share with me. I had found out that he had looked up his first girlfriend on facebook. No contact, just looked her up and deleted the evidence. I still have no idea what that was all about.

During this time, we've had a lot of stress. I have changed. I can't say that these behaviors have happened in a vacuum. He's had a lot of responsibility and had to take care of everything. His stress level has been a 10 for several years now.


He told me that he was singing sexual songs by Jack black to the guy across his cubicle. to "gross him out" and whenever I heard what he had said to this co-worked it made me feel uneasy, and that the remarks were inappropriate. I asked him to stop, but he went underground with it instead.

He watched the movie "Bruno" like 15 times during this time and shared moments with the coworker. He also watched and shared a music vid called "at the gay bar" on youtube. Additionally, he watched the Tim and Eric show from adult swim which has a very gay undercurrent.

I confronted him time and again and he said it was normal for guys to do this. He tried to make me feel guilty saying that I was making him feel bad.

His father is very homophobic. They are/were fundamentalist christians (my H left as a teen).

I think that my H may have the tendencies of or be a repressed homosexual. From what I'm reading, this is just going to get worse. I don't fear him acting on this, ever, but I do fear having a sexless marriage, being the object of more and more passive aggression, and having to deal with EAs.

He is also getting more and more misogynistic, controlling and withdrawn as the months go by. He never used to put women down but now they are called bitch on a regular basis.

Any insight or if this sounds like something you've been through, especially the little things that may not be official but are commonly found with repressed homosexuality, I would love to know. At first I thought it was NPD, now I feel that there are many issues at hand here.

[This message edited by Agate at 11:21 PM, August 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, August 25th (Thursday)

It's so hard to tell based on what you typed. Those problems can be with either a gay, str8 or bi spouse who is cheating.

I do know that str8 men do NOT look, think, or fantasize about other men. They just don't.

I believe my WS to be bi. Our sex life was pretty good for the 18 years we were together. It wasn't at a level I wanted it to be (but he WAS having affairs...having to keep us all sexually happy must have been exhausting!).

WS did blame me for "wanting too much sex", the sex was very vanilla...just kinda of "get it over with" is how I felt at the end. We were very adventurous most of the marriage...so the vanilla sex was a clue for me. Only one time do I remember he couldn't get an erection.

Most of his passive-agressiveness was centered on making me feel bad. He would ignore me, was never home and when I would "call him" on it...he said I was a bitch or mean or "well, YOU just aren't nice enough to me".

He did everything he could to never be at home. Travelled for work, took extra work, always "running errands"...just managed to not be at home.

The only other clue I had was that he had no male friends. The only past male friends had come out of the closet, and when they did that, he no longer had any contact with them. He got along with women so much better. He had nothing in common with str8 men...so no friendships.

I read somewhere that when someone has no "old" friends...you know there is a problem. Most of us "normal" people have had long term friendships. If someone can't maintain a long tern friendship with someone of the same sex, that's a big red flag there is something else going on.

My WS also had a homophobic step dad, and a just generally shitty childhood.

The bottom line that I saw is that I don't think my WS had the ability to REALLY connect with me emotionally. He saw me as something, not someone. If I had an emotion, he simply didn't want to hear it or deal with it. Everything felt very superficial, a surface relationship with nothing deep every going on.

The deep stuff was the gay stuff...and he made sure I didn't know anything about THAT.

Does this help at all??


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Agate
New Member
Member # 33038
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, August 27th (Saturday)

Yes, that does help. I too feel kept out. Maybe that is just emotionally unavailable, NPD, this person at work is his major supply right now. Doesn't have to be any deeper than that with these deep types of personality disorder issues. I know that I am out of the loop and don't really want back in. That's probably enough. Sick of hearing gay innuendo, which could just be passive aggression, since he knows that is hurtful to me. I think I finally had a deal breaker yesterday, so it it time to just 180 and detach. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience, they do sound similar in some ways.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2011
Agate
New Member
Member # 33038
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, August 29th (Monday)

Looking for support. Basically he admitted to a non gay EA. He wants to have sex for the first time in 4 months. I know he's been not having gay sex, but I am so mad that I had to basically say that this EA was ok, blah, blah, blah.

I really would like some feedback. I know for a fact he's NPD because he is super creeping me out. For instance, singing love songs I picked out (in front of the kids of course).

I called my Mom and begged to live with her. I think we might be trapped for a while.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2011
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 31st (Wednesday)

google "BonKaye"...you can also e-mail her.
She has tremendous insight & has many books as a straight wife.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
(((hugs)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, August 31st (Wednesday)

Agate...without more details...it's hard to say what's going on. I will be honest with you, where there is smoke, there is generally fire. He might admit the EA, but *most* of the time there is a PA already going on. Men are very focused sexually, and you put 2 men together and the PA start very quickly, and are more likely to also be random.

I was in a Yahoo Support Group for women who wanted to remain M to their gay/bi husbands. Many were in open marriages...not for me...and at the time we were in R and my WS said he wanted me and me only. So I tried.

Search on Yahoo...there are many support groups on there for women in our situation. It happens all the time, unfortunately. PM me if you want, I'll be glad to help any way I can.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
danny924
Member
Member # 33521
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, October 8th (Saturday)

[This message edited by danny924 at 9:14 AM, February 19th (Sunday)]


Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2011
navewife
New Member
Member # 33496
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, October 23rd (Sunday)

I'm not sure what to say about children. My husband had multiple affairs, one with a girl he met online, the rest were oral encounters with men that he found on craigs list, I discovered the OW emails, but saH actually confessed to me about the men. Its been almost 2 years since dday and I'm still having trouble with intamacy and sex. I trigger a lot and although I'm not proud, I have lost my cool in front of my daughter. She is 8, and I'm praying she doesn't get the "man" thing. I think she is more fixated on the actul fact that daddy cheated. I guess maybe when she is a grown up she might share with me. I won't be with her father if there is any slip ups though. I refuse, he either gets recovery and reconciling right the first time or I'm done, here is to hoping he can do the job:)


Always speak your mind....even if your voice shakes!!

Posts: 11 | Registered: Oct 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, October 23rd (Sunday)

I'm posting on D/S about drama with my WS and his boyfriend. I tried R, but he was unable to be strong enough to get through it. Good luck, it's so hard....but there are several of us in your exact situation!


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, November 4th (Friday)

I'm having such a hard time with this. My WH admits to 4 CL oral sex encounters with crossdresser males. He swears that he is NOT gay or bi and that he hooked up with CD's because it made him feel less like he was cheating on me if it was with a man.

Others are saying that he CANNOT be straight and have these kinds of encounters. That he MUST be at least bi.

Does anyone else have any insight into this?? I want to believe him when he says he is straight. Is this possible??

Thanks.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1050 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
soverybetrayed
Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, November 6th (Sunday)

My stbx claims to be 100% hetero but I found pics of him wearng my nylons, panties and nightgowns. His user id on two websites says bihub and in one chat session with a guy he talks about how it turn him on to think about sucking a rock hard cock. Does't this sound bi to you?

He is a major homophobe but is a cross dresser and has been since before our marriage. I found the pics he sent to a camchat whore.

Now i think is involved with a coworker in a bisexual relationship. He won't admit to anything but the camchats with the whores that i found emails to but I have so much more evidence. I was his "normal" for 12 years and now he may have moved his lover into our home as a "need a roommate" situation to pay the mortgage. He denies being gay or bi but I have seen the pics of him with a dildo up his behind.

I no longer know or understand who this man is that I fell in love with 12 years ago. He swears to me that "he has never touched another woman" but that just makes me wonder if he has been with a man during that time.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Texas
mitz66
Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, November 6th (Sunday)

My first h was/is gay. I found out 7 yrs into marriage and we were together for 10 yrs. I just wanted to let those of you who are currently hurting and living with discovery, that you are not alone. Love cannot change someone's orientation. There are support groups now, there weren't 15 yrs ago. Contact support, be good to yourself and know that you can survive. Don't stay in the closet with your h, it is a painful place to be.

Hugs to all of you.


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jan 2008
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, November 13th (Sunday)

Yes, there is an estimated 4 million straight wives...so that is a LOT of us.

Just some thoughts here:

If a man seeks out a cross dresser male, its pretty clear he wants to have sex with a person that has a PENIS, period.
You can throw a dress over it, but if its got a male sex organ which a W does not have...what does that tell you?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 16th (Friday)

bump~


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
sososad713
New Member
Member # 34272
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, December 21st (Wednesday)

My husband and I are trying to save the marriage. About 10 years ago he "experimented" with sex with a guy. He said he cried after because he felt so bad about it. He was able to get over that bad feeling and compartmentalize it having sex with guys over the years that he met at gay bars out of town or on craig's list. I was absolutely devastated - wished I was dead, but thank God for my psychatrist and lorazepam. I wonder if there are any couple out there like us who have made it past this?

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Houston
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, December 26th (Monday)

Since I don't have a penis (for his compulsions/cravings/whatever)...theanswer in our case is, "No."
And I don't want to ever take him at his "word" and get a potentially life threatening/fatal STD.

Do you know for a fact just how many A's he has had with men?

Are you in MC/IC?

Have you been checked for STD's?

I will be more than glad to send you info about this.

((((huge hugs)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
sososad713
New Member
Member # 34272
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday)

He has had more partners than he can count. Most of them one night stands that he met on craig's list and in gay bars and gyms. He got caught with Hep B, so yes both of us have been tested, and he is very lucky his Hep was acute and he fully recovered. We are in MC and there are a bunch of things that contributed to his behavior. Absolutely his fault, but I played a role. We are working on resolving my insecurities and his infidelity, and are trying to save the marriage.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Houston
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, January 8th (Sunday)

We attempted R. It was very difficult and ended when he couldn't stop seeing other men. But...I wanted to tell you that there is a support group on Yahoo called "Alternate Paths". I would suggest you go check them out

Good Luck.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, January 9th (Monday)

Alternate Paths on yahoo...I'm curious about them.
Could you explain/tell us a bit more?
Thanks.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, January 9th (Monday)

It's a group that supports women married to a gay/bi men. You have to be working on the marriage to be accepted into the group. If you S/D...you are no longer "allowed". About 1/2 the women are in open relationships, the other 1/2 are monogamous. Everyone does what works best for their relationship. It is very supportive for an "alternate" lifestyle. I assume it is still active, it's been over a year since I left that group.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)

Makes sense!
Thanks!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Hannelore
Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, January 20th (Friday)

I just found out my husband cheated on me with a man. DDay was 12/18/2011. They gave each other oral sex several times. I can barely function. This is my first post, and a bit awkward coming from my kindle. MC coming soon. He was the love of my life, I'm 48 years old and terrified, shocked, disgusted, and worried people will find out or worse, I'm the last to know. Been lurking here...


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 154 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
sososad713
New Member
Member # 34272
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 21st (Saturday)

Hannelore - I am so sorry. I don't know how you found out or if you are trying to save your marriage. My D-day was Father's Day 2011 - 7 months ago, and I am just now at the point where the pain is not crushing. We have had a lot of counseling and I think we are past the worst of it. I will be able to forgive but never forget, so I need to work through that going forward.

I did join alternate paths, but the most vocal women are in open relationships and they are working through those issues. I completely support their choice, but I could never be in an open marriage, so I didn't get a lot out of the group.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Houston
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, January 21st (Saturday)

It is a very difficult path...not only dealing with a cheating spouse, but also dealing with a major sexuality crisis. I couldn't support an open marriage either, not that WS ever asked me to...he just went back to cheating with the AP.

There is a lot of evidence that "bi" is on the road to "gay". My WS said he was "bi", but only sleeps with men, I was the only woman.

It takes a very strong man to be able to recognize that he is bi or gay, yet wants and IS ABLE to stay faithful. It can be done, but it takes a LOT of therapy and two strong people.

Keep posting on SI, you will get a lot of support regardless of your WS's sexual orientation.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, January 22nd (Sunday)

Welcome to SI~Hannelore!

Sending you huge hugs!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
sososad713
New Member
Member # 34272
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 22nd (Sunday)

Although the past 7 monthshave been a living hell, I think the worst part is the "bi" thing. I believe that he believes that he doesn't need sex with men going forward and that he is commited to being faithful. He says it was just so much easier to cheat with men - more anonymous and no attachment issues. That is what we are working on in MC. I know he feels terrible about what he did. I am having a hard time understanding his sexuality. The hard thing about bisexuality is that there is no exact science. I understand straight, and I understand gay - but I have never known anyone who is both. It's tragic that the first one is my husband of 26 years. We have come a long way since D-day, but we have a long way to go. I'm glad we are working on it. If we don't make it, at least we both really tried, and we do really love each other. Other than the As with men, he has been the perfect husband and my best friend.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Houston
Hannelore
Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, January 22nd (Sunday)

Thanks for posting, folks. I am so glad I found this forum. Only my sister and 2 best friends even know, and only 1 friend knows it was with a man...
Like Sosad, I am having trouble understanding the gay or bi thing, terrified he is really gay and I will lose him. We are madly in love and best friends, too, or so I thought.
I have been suspicious for years, because he was really weird with his cell phone and laptop, not letting me ever use it, etc. I was out of town helping a friend whose husband suddenly died on Thanksgiving, and my sister called, she had received some anonymous messages on FB that my husband was involved with a married woman.
.... anyway when I got home I got into his FB account and was shocked to read his gay sex conversation... explicit conversation that is branded in my brain now.


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 154 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
sososad713
New Member
Member # 34272
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, January 23rd (Monday)

I understand the branded in your brain. I don't think I will ever forget the moment when he told me. We haven't told anyone other than our doctors and therapists. If one of my friends told me the same story, I would say - "you've got to be kidding me. He's gay, and you need to leave him". My family would never forgive him. I feel like an idiot that I didn't suspect anything now that I look back - I just trusted him completely.

Feel free to send me a private message if you need someone to listen and support you.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Houston
Hannelore
Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, January 23rd (Monday)

Ditto with the idiot thing - the other guy actually worked with us for several years, I thought he was my friend, too. I always thought he wanted to "swing both ways" but because we live in a small Southern Town and he is primitive Baptist he was suppressing it. Whatever. How stupid am I. Our daughter is gay, my father is Bi (or something), I have gay friends, and never, ever suspected a thing. I always thought it was women. OMG I can hardly breathe. I read these posts and cant imagine this pain going on for months, years... We are committed to staying together. I hope its possible.


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 154 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Hannelore
Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, January 23rd (Monday)

Wow. All that sounds so whiny. But that's where I am. Cleaned the kitchen just now, monumental effort. Everything is a monumental effort.


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 154 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
sososad713
New Member
Member # 34272
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, January 24th (Tuesday)

It does get better. Have you seen a doctor? I had the same feeling that I couldn't breath, but I also had a constant scared panicky feeling with my heart racing. I got some pretty strong antidepressants that I took for several months, and that really helped. I don't think I could have keep it together without the medication at least for a while.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Houston
Hannelore
Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, January 28th (Saturday)

See next post, I messed up. Trying to use an iPad , new for me. Sorry!

[This message edited by Hannelore at 10:26 PM, January 28th (Saturday)]


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 154 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Hannelore
Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, January 28th (Saturday)

I have not been to a dr., I have anti anxiety meds on hand, not sleeping so I will have to find a Dr.
I Live in a very small town, don't want to tell my Dr. ... Egads I still cant believe it.

Tomorrow is his birthday, I bought him a couple infidelity and sexual abuse survivor books. I thought I was doing a bit better but I don't want to be around him today. I am questioning everything in my mind, our whole marriage I guess. I am also worried about the other guy's wife, am I supposed to tell her? I hope not...

Thanks so much for your kind responses, don't know what I would do without this forum. Have a great weekend!


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 154 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Hannelore
Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, January 28th (Saturday)

I am also having a hard time about his birthday, I am feeling guilty about not arranging the normal family get together, but I just cant do it.

Our kids are grown, and they know something is up. We have my kids and his kid, none together but I love them all the same. youngest is almost 20, he is the only one who still lives at home, but we rarely see him due to schedules etc. what to do?


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 154 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
sososad713
New Member
Member # 34272
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, January 30th (Monday)

Don't feel guilty about anything. Take care of yourself. You will have to decide who to tell, but I'm glad we didn't tell friends or family. Now that we are on the road to recovery, I think it's easier because they don't know and I don't have to explain why I stayed.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Houston
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, February 7th (Tuesday)

My heart goes out for all the immense suffering I read on these posts.
All I can say, personally speaking, is to take care of your self and your children. (You can be darn sure your WH has been doing just that for himself and the OM. )
And, yes, I would let his straight W know. I would want to *know* and take all the STD precautions especially with respect to HIV/HPV/Hepatitis, et al. Then there are the financial ramifications involved...all important considerations she should know about in order to inform/protect herself, too.
Wouldn't you want a kind soul to tell you?
I most certainly would.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Hannelore
Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, February 7th (Tuesday)

He went to get tested, waiting on results. He swears they had only oral sex so hopefully all is well.

I don't think I can tell his wife... her husband should tell her. Just shoot me now. Egads....

My husband repeatedly put his mouth on that guy's penis and then came home to me. and vice versa.

He is doing everything right sofar, though, working hard to make me feel secure, giving me lots of time off from work, we own a small retail business.

He put his mouth on that goober's penis...this goes around and around in my mind many times a day. Oh my God.


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 154 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
sososad713
New Member
Member # 34272
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, February 12th (Sunday)

Even if they only had oral sex, it is relatively easy to get herpes, Hep B and chlamidia. My husband got Hep B having oral sex, so you should use a condom until all of his testing comes back clean! It is even possible to get HIV from oral sex, but the chances are pretty slim. Less than 1% - but that's more of a risk than I would have ever taken had I known what he was up to!

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Houston
Hannelore
Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, February 25th (Saturday)

Nothing posted here in awhile so I thought I would tell you about my day and hopefully get some much needed feedback/support. FWH tells me this morning he dreamed about a party we had at our house, everybody was there - including his OM - and I was ok with it, knowing it was all in the past and would never happen again. Ruined my day, left work early (FWS and I work together 2 or 3 days per week), frantically cleaned house and did laundry for a couple hours, collapsed in the tub and just bawled like a baby. Feeling better now, guess I needed that. Thank goodness I can vent some here. He bought a Roomba for my birthday - I LOVE IT. I'm a bit of a clean freak, and we live in a big old house with 4 dogs, so Roomba and I are getting along just fine. I'd like to glue some googly eyes and a tail on him. We are in love.


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 154 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, March 29th (Thursday)

IC summed it up to me by saying, "You feel soiled".
How true!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, April 15th (Sunday)

bump~


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)

Hi everyone,
I hope it's okay I'm posting here. I started in Spouses of Sex Addicts, then Separation and Divorce, then Spouses of NPDs, and now this.

All of them are applicable to my STBX.

My husband is a SA who like very dangerous S&M sex with women. And men. And groups of people. We got separated after D-Day last Sept., and he went to live with OW who is also a SA with the same proclivities.

I can't figure out if they're just pushing the barriers of their SA, but they seem to be posting quite a few Craigs List ads looking for men for my STBX (while she watches and apparently joins in afterwards).

I sat up in bed in the middle of the night last night feeling certain that my husband is gay. He's been using this woman to get S&M partners, and now he's using her to get gay partners. But it's more than that - it's a niggling feeling that I've had throughout my 15-year marriage. When the SA was exposed, I chalked up the feelings to this, not homosexuality.

But now I think it's both.

It doesn't even really matter since we're getting divorced, but I DOES matter to me for some reason. Can anyone help me figure this out? Is he bi-sexual? Just a very out-of-control and sick sex addict? Or gay?

We have two young children, and frankly I would prefer to know that he was gay than just doing all of this for thrills.

But maybe it's both.

Thank you.


Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2011
Hannelore
Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 5th (Saturday)

I have no words of wisdom for you, Hope. I am responding as another BS in pain just trying to make sense of things. This thread has been kind of slow since I joined the group.


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 154 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Syzy
Member
Member # 15190
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, May 5th (Saturday)

ChoosingHope its really hard to say honestly.

He may not fully know, but his behaviour says to me that he seems bisexual. Although even that is a confusing definition. Some people are capable of being sexual with both genders but only really end up having feelings for one. In that case their behaviour is more flexible than their emotional lives.

But really if he is a sex addict it certainly adds a greater layer of confusion onto the situation.

There are a lot of people who are into SM and are only gay or straight, SA who are only gay or straight, and really he may very well be SA that is bisexual and into S&M. Even if he gets the SA taken care of he could still find he is still bisexual and into S&M. Because I gotta be honest there are enough Gay S&M dudes out there that he really doesn't need a woman as a lure.

So as disturbing as it may be I would assume he is adversing for exactly what he is into (since I doubt he is trying to impress strangers on that count)

Sorry it sounds like an awful situation.


BS
Dday Aug 17, 2006
R - what's that.
Me - Moved on long ago.
It takes two to make it work, but only one to fuck it up.

Posts: 945 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: So Cal
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, May 9th (Wednesday)

ChoosingHope ~ I hope you listen to your gut about tgt (the gay thing).

Bonkaye is very informative and has a wonderful website.

((((hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
bluegirl67
New Member
Member # 35579
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 14th (Monday)

Two months ago my husband broke down and told me that he has HIV because he has been unfaithful to me with other men for the past 2-3 years.....luckily I do not have HIV. we've been married 21 years, have three kids (16, 14, 8). He hasn't been interested in me sexually for years and although I've tried to talk to him about it, he's blown me off that I finally gave up. I have been in shock and didn't make him leave. We are both seeing counselors and he is begging me to give him another chance. I really don't want to, esp since I think he's been dishonest about his life for a long time. He swears he's only bisexual, still attracted to me, doesn't understand why/how he could do this but he's changed now, blah blah blah....I am so hurt and confused. If it weren't for the kids I'd have been long gone..but I almost feel sorry for him too. Bad day and I luckily found this forum. Any advice for those in my shoes is appreciated.


Me - BS (44)
Him - WS (45)
Three children: 16, 14, 8
Married for 21 years
DD: March 16, 2012

Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Wisconsin
exhaustedHeart
Member
Member # 36297
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, July 30th (Monday)

Just found out my wife slept with an old female friend of hers. The woman has had a VERY risky lifestyle including drugs and jail time. She doesn't think she needs to be tested but I'm insisting and she has agreed.

Do I need to be tested or just her? Should we go to our regular docs or someplace across town where we have less risk if knowing someone?


Me: BS,48
Her: WS,47

OW 51 Ex-con, HARD Butch Lesbian living in her mom's basement
OM (Previous 2 Year A)~62 Sleazy, Stereotypical Italian Hairdresser
M 22 years, 3 kids(8, 15, 18)

DDay1 7/21/12
DDay2 8/31/12
NC Broken 12/7/12


Posts: 81 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Hell
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 30th (Monday)

bump


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18219 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, August 14th (Tuesday)

I faced the same issue. I insisted my W get tested for STDs, because she was the one who put us at risk. Since she got a clear bill of health, I haven't had to face the embarrassment of getting tested myself.

I think it's essential your W get tested.

I hope she tests safe.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
exhaustedHeart
Member
Member # 36297
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, August 29th (Wednesday)

Finally convinced her to find time in her "busy life" to go get tested. I should know something in a few days.


Me: BS,48
Her: WS,47

OW 51 Ex-con, HARD Butch Lesbian living in her mom's basement
OM (Previous 2 Year A)~62 Sleazy, Stereotypical Italian Hairdresser
M 22 years, 3 kids(8, 15, 18)

DDay1 7/21/12
DDay2 8/31/12
NC Broken 12/7/12


Posts: 81 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Hell
exhaustedHeart
Member
Member # 36297
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, August 29th (Wednesday)

It AMAZES me the huge disparity between the numbers of women and men in our particular predicament. With modern Western culture seemingly so much more acceptable to lesbians than gay men, I thought there would have been more men here.

Anyone care to comment? Along the lines of my original thought, are men not considering this to be cheating because lesbians are more acceptable?


Me: BS,48
Her: WS,47

OW 51 Ex-con, HARD Butch Lesbian living in her mom's basement
OM (Previous 2 Year A)~62 Sleazy, Stereotypical Italian Hairdresser
M 22 years, 3 kids(8, 15, 18)

DDay1 7/21/12
DDay2 8/31/12
NC Broken 12/7/12


Posts: 81 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Hell
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 29th (Wednesday)

exhaustedHeart
To answer your question I don't think it has anything to do with perception of lesbians vs gay men. I've noticed there are more BW than BH on SI. Yet for every BW there is a BH on the other side. I think its simply because fewer men seek out and/or find SI for support. Also, some men probably don't handle same-sex AP's too well and find it difficult to come forward.
My stbxww sought out women through CL ads. In a strange way I would have preferred it if she had been lesbian. Being confused or in denial about sexual orientation would be a living hell. It is still cheating but I could come to terms with it and would have been only to willing to get out of the marriage so she could be true to herself. That is not the case. Being true to herself apparently means having multiple EA/PA with women and men...but I digress.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4065 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
exhaustedHeart
Member
Member # 36297
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

it's comfy in here. Anonymity and help. To not come forward in here would be crazy but you could be right.


Me: BS,48
Her: WS,47

OW 51 Ex-con, HARD Butch Lesbian living in her mom's basement
OM (Previous 2 Year A)~62 Sleazy, Stereotypical Italian Hairdresser
M 22 years, 3 kids(8, 15, 18)

DDay1 7/21/12
DDay2 8/31/12
NC Broken 12/7/12


Posts: 81 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Hell
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

Yes, but then you have to admit it to yourself. You have to actually type the words and put them in black-and-white. That changes things in your mind. Just like when you speak the unspeakable. It is a line in your own mind that you cross and once crossed you cannot go back. Some people cannot face certain things.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 12:33 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4065 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
beachgirl65
Member
Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

It's interesting.. I have always identified with being bi-sexual. Before I got married I would date whomever I was attracted to.

Once I said my "I DOs", though.. that was done. Even the few times my husband suggested a 3some - it was a non issue as far as I was concerned. Didn't want to go there.

Given how open and accepting I am of other people's sexuality you would think my own WH would have been able to tell me he was attracted to men. But he still hasn't. He has always denied it.. yet I have proof that he is visiting men on craigslist.. for what? knitting advice? I think not.

Up until I started posting here I felt a sense of shame wrt WHs proclivities.. Me? Feel shame? The shame is his.. This space has been very freeing. I am hoping once I find a CSAT and can make an appointment that the freeing up of my codependant nature, etc will continue.

I want me back.. with or without him.


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

I've known for 2.5 years that my WS had gay affairs, and I still have problems telling people. I'm more open about it now because it is his shame, not mine. I have found that heterosexual men don't know how to deal with it very well, and some don't care to deal with it (ie...not sure about dating me). Plus, I feel for my children having to tell people for the rest of their lives that their Dad is gay.

I still feel some shame about it, like I did something wrong. People STILL ask me, "Didn't you KNOW???". He was my husband, he was having sex with me...how would I know?


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

I have always been very outspoken about gay rights. I have gay friends. Im a very open minded person. Yet my husband never told me he was bisexual. He chose to hide it from me. On d-day I found 63 men in his contact list in his secret email account. And 3 girls. He had one sexual encounter...with a man. He gave a blow job to a man in the back of our family van. Right on the same seat our children sit on. For months he told me he was just bicurious,had satisfied his curiouslity,and now had no interest. He finally admitted to being bisexual after months of me questioning him.

I keep track of the OM on facebook. WH has been NC with him since d-day. Today,OM posted a pic that said "never look down on anyone unless they're giving you head."

Im triggering like crazy right now. Im not sure how to deal with this. I hate it. I hate that WH did this. I cant look at him the same anymore. He isnt who I thought he was. I have trouble having sex with him. When he kisses me,I have images of what he did with his mouth when with OM. it's so painful. And I am so confused. I truly have no issue with gay people or what they do when they're intimate. I really dont. But this is my husband. And thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.

Im not sure Ive ever posted here on this thread. Im not sure why not. My story is widely known on SI. But today,after seeing the pic the Om posted on facebook,I found myself here.

So sad today. And angry as Hell at my husband.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
exhaustedHeart
Member
Member # 36297
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

Brandon, I don't know. Typing the words to me actually felt good. Hearing the words come out of my wife's mouth, "yes, I slept with her", shoved my ass across any line I didn't wanna cross. At that point, it was kinda hard to not admit to myself that my wife had cheated on me. Talking about it on here were the actions that pulled my back from the ledge and eased the pain some.

[This message edited by exhaustedHeart at 4:08 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS,48
Her: WS,47

OW 51 Ex-con, HARD Butch Lesbian living in her mom's basement
OM (Previous 2 Year A)~62 Sleazy, Stereotypical Italian Hairdresser
M 22 years, 3 kids(8, 15, 18)

DDay1 7/21/12
DDay2 8/31/12
NC Broken 12/7/12


Posts: 81 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Hell
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)

exhaustedHeart
I agree, it was cathartic for me to just say it, write it. But your statement actually proves my point. Writing it, discussing it changed things for you. In your case, and mine, it changed them for the better. Not everyone sees it that way or will take that step. Because it changes things and people typically fear change.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4065 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
follyandsuch
New Member
Member # 37512
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, November 16th (Friday)

God. I needed this.

I'm so sick of feeling like I'm this one in a million freak who had this happy relationship with a healthy sex life and then BAM he's on a gay hook up site for months.

Dear lord. Sometimes when I can't sleep at night I just think to myself, thank you for letting me find this place so early on after discovering his indiscretions.

I think I'd have lost my mind or something worse if I hadn't found this club of the unwilling. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am finding a small sense of normalcy that I haven't this whole week.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Nov 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, November 18th (Sunday)

folly, I just want you to know I read your post. I have no wisdom for you, except that you're not alone and that you can survive this and thrive.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, December 19th (Wednesday)

folly~ google BonKaye......I think she can help you a lot.

(((huge hugs)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Makingitsofar
New Member
Member # 37873
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, December 21st (Friday)

Just wanted to let you know there is hope. I found out 17 months ago that my husband of 27 years is bisexual and had been having affairs with random men for 15 years. He got caught with an STD. To say that I was shocked and destroyed is an understatement. I have never known such pain, and I was actually close to suicidal. We have been in therapy ever since, and I can finally see a happy future. I have forgiven him for the infidelity, and we have worked through the issues that led up to us drifting apart that contributed to his cheating. I'm not saying any of it was my fault! He is responsible for it, but I did play a role. We will continue to work on the trust. I do know that I will never have that naive, complete trust - but I do believe he intends to stay faithful. Faithful means NO contact with anyone from his secret life. I asked him to kill his yahoo address, join a new gym, and NEVER get on Craig's list again. I offered to give him discreet divorce without "outing" him, but he is commited to a monogomous marriage. He is the love of my life, but he knows one more strike, no matter how small, and he's out. We are and have always been happy and great together. I truly do not understand the bi thing. I have a lot of gay friends, but this was new territory for me. I hope this helps someone out there. If you had told me 17 months ago that I would be able to wake up happy and without strong nit nicety meds, I wouldn't have believed you!! But here we are, and I think we are going to make it.


Holly Price

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Houston
srslywtf
Member
Member # 36729
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, December 23rd (Sunday)

Thanks for posting that makingitsofar.
Seeing a little hope is inspiring. I have been especially tired and ready to give up of late. The WS says he doesn't know if he CAN be monogamous. I guess he wouldn't know, since he never tried. I want it to work, but I won't give up my happiness to do it. We'll have to see if we can be as lucky as you.


BS=me, 35
WS=him, 36
married 10 yrs, together 12
dday- September 1, 2012
years of passive-aggressive pushing and deception which led me to find the secret email for 9 yrs of bi hookups, threesomes, other bs. We were reconciling. He gave up

Posts: 69 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: The Best Coast, USA
Makingitsofar
New Member
Member # 37873
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 3rd (Thursday)

I am no professional, but if he is not committed to monogamy, then there is no hope. Take care of your own health. Even if they use protection for anal sex, you can get LOTS of stds from blow jobs - Hep B (what my husband got)' chlamydia, herpes, syphillys (an epidemic in Houston right now) and others. do not have unprotected sex with your husband. He my have admitted to "just one time"', but I would bet there have been others if he has that many contacts. I hope I am not sounding like Debbie downer, but the statistics are not good. Have you been to marriage counseling? It saved us.


Holly Price

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Houston
dreamlife
Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, January 11th (Friday)

I recently read that the STD Gonnohrea (sp?) is fast becoming unresponsive/untreatable with antibiotics!

Please be very careful!

One can pick up e coli from Dump Parties and other vile activities, too! UG


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Abandoned129
New Member
Member # 38666
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, March 8th (Friday)

Got directed to this thread from JFO. I browsed through the threads and didn't see a lot of BH with bi/gay WW.

Found out my WW's A started 4 months nto our marriage. OW was her co-worker, my WW was her supervisor. Some time ago, can't remember if we were already married then, my wife mentioned that she had a relationship with a girl back in highschool. She assured me that it was nothing, that the relationship was just like to best friends. Now that I found out about the A, I'm wondering if she is filling a need that wasn't completed since the highschool relationship wasn't physical.
She has not given me the chance to talk to her face to face or even over the phone since she ran away on Dday.


Me: BH, 34
Her: WS, 30
Married 1 year 2 months

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Philippines
Abandoned129
New Member
Member # 38666
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, March 14th (Thursday)

I'm probably being stupid, my wife left the house on Dday and as far as I know is continuing her A with OW. I still want to save our marriage. Should I hold on?


Me: BH, 34
Her: WS, 30
Married 1 year 2 months

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Philippines
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, March 15th (Friday)

There are a few of us whose wives chose women for the ap.

My sitch is a lot different from yours. My W went NC and committed to R on D-Day, even though I held back.

You ask if you should hold on, but hold on to what? If your W isn't communicating with you, there isn't much you can do except detach and start going your own way.

You can remain open to R - and I expect I would have been open to R if my W had left for ow (after all, we had 45-ish years together) - but you owe it to yourself to start healing, rebuilding your strengths, maybe even filing for D - but there's no relationship if she won't relate.

So: my recommendation is to process your feelings, with IC help unless you really object to that, and start building a life on your own.

At the same time, keep hoping for your W to wake up and decide she wants to be monogamous with you. I trust you know the odds are very much against you - but if you want R, who cares? Maybe the odds are 1 million to 1 against you, but you could be that one.

But don't let hope ruin your life. Build your new life alone. Prepare to D.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, March 16th (Saturday)

Also, how do you feel about your W's choice of partner?

IMO, a large part of healing is the same for all BSes, no matter whether they R or D and no matter who the ap is. That's because you have to heal yourself, and that means processing grief, anger, and fear.

Also, I thought more people lurked here. Sorry I gave you a bum steer.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, March 16th (Saturday)

My WS also had a high school sexual experience with a man, he didn't tell me about it until after d-day.

To me, especially if they have a same sex experience as a young person, they are simply trying to fight nature. Generally, if they are fighting being gay/lesbian/bi, about the time they turn 30 it becomes harder to fight. (I read this in all of the research I did....).

What are you holding on to? If she has left, you need to start closing that chapter and move on with your life. There will be someone else out there for you when you are ready. We all deserve better.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Abandoned129
New Member
Member # 38666
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, March 18th (Monday)

She turned 30 last August.


Me: BH, 34
Her: WS, 30
Married 1 year 2 months

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Philippines
thissucks123
New Member
Member # 39116
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, April 27th (Saturday)

Hi, I am new.

I found out my husband was sexting other men using that grindr app. They were exchanging pictures of their genitals and H told the guys he is married and "deep in the closet".

The whole thing was shocking; I would have never expected this to happen.

He denies being attracted to men and is blaming it on alcohol and also swears he has never physically cheated on me.

This just happened yesterday and I am a mess. I have a call in to see a therapist and am scared.

I feel betrayed and also that I don't even know the man that I married.

We have kids together, so that makes it even more complicated.

Anyway, I am glad to find a place where others have been through similar things.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2013
Makingitsofar
New Member
Member # 37873
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 6th (Thursday)

I'm sorry I didn't see your post earlier. If your husband is using the grindr app, there is a high probability that he has hooked up with one of those men. Insist that he get tested. It takes a while for some men to be honest about what they have been doing ... Initially admitting to porn, the "only a blow job" and then the real truth. Especially if they are ashamed or afraid that you will out them. I asked my husband to read "I got caught cheating, how do I save my marriage?" In it, he tells the cheating spouse to come completely clean and answer all question honestly - no matter how hard or embarrassing. You can never rebuild the trust if there are still lies out there. My husband was desperate to save the marriage. I was on the fence about staying for over a year. I'm glad I waited. After 2 years of therapy, we are on the right path. I am still working on trust, but that takes a long, long time.


Holly Price

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Houston
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, September 9th (Monday)

Yesterday my WH told me he had a ONS with a man a few years ago. Not intercourse but orgasiams were achieved. The story I was told since March was he was curious and a guy came over but nothing happened. I just don't get it. I am bi-sexual and honestly two guys has been a fantasy of mine for as long as I can remember. I am vocal on my thoughts on gay rights. What was the point in hiding it? Hell I would have watched. I would not have had an issue with him exploring his sexuality within our marriage. I can't figure out how I feel. Gay/Bi male fantasies was my go-to dream place when normal sex fantasies were tainted with picturing WH with OW. Now even that is gone. What's left for him to take from me?


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
NotGonnaTakeIt
New Member
Member # 35875
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

(((sodamnlost))) I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, except to focus on yourself and your kids right now.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jun 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

((((sodamnlost)))

Im so sorry.

It's confusing,isn't it? I've been very outspoken about gay rights,equality,have gay friends,etc. He was/is well aware of all of this...yet he chose to hide this part of himself from me. WHY?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lucyy
New Member
Member # 40982
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, October 14th (Monday)

My bf, whom I live with and want to marry likes to engage in inquiring about same sex relationships. Since we have been together he has not participated just inquired, but I feel the time is coming.

I have seen emails, and post online looking and seeking.

How do I get past this?


Posts: 21 | Registered: Oct 2013
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Lucyy,

If my W sends emails (or any other type of communication) to anybody inquiring about sexual relationships, I'd have a big problem, no matter what the recipients' gender might be.

Assuming you're supposed to be exclusive with one another, why not just leave him? Alternatively, you can give him a 2nd chance: 'If you send one more inquiry, I'm outta here.'

What's keeping you from ending your relationship with this guy.

When I started on SI, I thought my sitch was very rare. It turns out it's not so rare, but what's more important, our WS's infidelity counts a lot more than the ap.

This thread doesn't get a lot of activity, so you might consider raising this issue over on R or G. I think you'd get more responses there.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

My spouse does not have a same gender ap...he had a female AP but here is a post I put in divorce section that I thought I could put here. Maybe you all saw some of the same signs?

Ok. I can't believe I'm about to say this...but maybe in this vast world of SI there is someone with the same experience.
I've been toying with the idea stbxwh might be questioning his sexuality and his LTEA might be an attempt to continue running from the truth.

The facts:
- we have had a terrible sex life from early on when we were in our early-mid twenties. I used to chase him around the house begging for it. Last many years, sex might happen 4-5 times a year. This was always a big prob for me and he said it was for him too. But he was never interested. Blamed it on me and fighting.
- when we did have sex, it was never just fun sex it was always attached to some negative emotion for him- like guilt. We only really had sex when he was guilty- usually after a night of drinking and fighting with me.
- he drank a lot. All our friends wondered why he felt the need to always be the drunkest wherever we were.
- he has always been unhappy to depressed. Blamed it on me.
-when we were out, he NEVER looked at women, but I often felt like he looked at guys.
- some of our mutual friends have told me since our separation they wouldn't be surprised if...
-he abhors porn. Thinks it's embarrassing. Thinks it's disgusting. Any type.
-he is obsessed with his looks and looking trendy. Always. Not related to A.
-his Dad is gay (probably means nothing- but theories if genetics)
-whenever there is anything about anti-gay stuff in a movie or on tv, he cries. When we first heard song "same love" he bawled.
- the AP is ugly. Many have said she "looks like a teen boy".
Not to toot my own horn, but people say Im attractive and a million more times than her.
-on the tape recording of them, he was a bit aloof and she was throwing herself at him. I *think* she really was the "force" behind the A. She loves him and wasn't going to give up. I blame him- yes- but I do not feel he pursued her.
- he is so. Fucking. Angry. About everything. All the time. Anger like "something else is up here because who is THIS angry?"
- when we talk about "what if our kid was gay?" and I talk about it making zero difference to me - he cries...
- his stepdad is a redneck asshole who, when stbxwh was 15, told him to stop listening to such "homo" music and man up. Basically told him he WOULD go into
Business, make a bunch of money, get a wife. Stbxwh wanted to travel- but did everything to fit the mold stepfather laid out.
- he swears, SWEARS there was no PA. This one I'm careful about because there could be lots of reasons to lie about it...
He's certainly lied about a lot.
- I asked him once if he was gay and he lost. His. Shit. I asked him very lovingly after A was all out in the open between NC and just told him he seemed really lost, unhappy, troubled... He was furious and brought it up 3-4 times in MC after as "the biggest insult." And said "Im not gay."

Anyway- I have thought this for years waaaaay before A happened. I thought for a long time he had a crush on his male best friend.

Just wondering if anyone has experience with this? I know- it really doesn't matter at this point and it's energy into figuring him out that really should be directed elsewhere. Just wondering your thoughts...


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, April 14th (Monday)

My situation involves my wife of 25+ years and her "Same Time Next Year" affair(s) with her girlfriends. She and her girlfriends travel together every year. Fueled by alcohol, they act like 15 year old girls at summer camp. Running around the back yard nude or nearly so (the cameras probably go away when the last clothing is removed) and one year she returned totally shaved where she'd never been shaved before. About 10 years ago, I was given the task of duplicating a videotape of them on a trip which was highly redacted (by recording over much of the tape) showing them dancing in a hotel room in their underwear.

Questioning my wife results mostly in deflection. "Why do you run around the back yard without clothes?" Answer: Do you have some sort of hidden camera there? No, but she didn't know Apple iCloud
shares its pics right away. I happened across them one night while at home when she was gone. She has since deleted them and I didn't email them to my account.

I don't know how much further the sex play goes as those scenes have never to my knowledge been photographed. She simply won't answer, except to deny that she's a lesbian. That denial is probably true, but I'd feel much better if she were more interested in sex with me.

Usually, she simply goes to dinner with these ladies and arrives at home about 8:00 p.m. with food left over for me. So they aren't doing the hotel scene when home. The sex play only happens to my knowledge on trips.

Anyway, what should I do? Hidden camera and confrontation?
Get her drunk and ask after telling her I think its "hot"?

The evidence I have isn't inconclusive.

Maybe they are just reliving their youth?

Thanks for comments.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Not a lot of activity in this forum, Schadenfreude. If you want more responses, try ICR - Betrayed Men, or G.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 8:54 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Klove -

This thread is for spouses with same gender APs ONLY. Please refrain from posting, since this does not apply to your situation. Thank you.


Posts: 36377 | Registered: Mar 2011
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

So one of the many things that my SAWH does not like to talk about is his use of transgender prostitutes. In 2008 I installed a keylogger on our home computer and found out that he was using a prostitution review web site. One of the more disgusting posts he wrote was "ISO passable tranny for 1st timer". He tells me now (yes, 6 years later!) that he wasn't looking for his first timer because he'd already had sex with a transsexual years before. Basically, he was looking for a "hot Latina" and what showed up at his fleabag motel room was a Latino in bad drag. He was angry and humiliated at having been fooled by this sex worker but he took the oral sex anyway because he was "so horny."

He swears he isn't gay or bisexual and I don't know what to think. What I do know is that this is just disgusting beyond words.

I know this isn't a very active thread but to all of the BS's out there--you aren't alone. Hugs and healing to everyone.

[This message edited by determinata at 3:01 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 20th (Sunday)

With a few new members showing up…maybe we should try to get this thread going again.

I love to "pay it forward' since I'm one of the few old SI members that have survived this mindfuck and moved forward.

Ask away!!


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
emptiness2014
Member
Member # 43092
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Cmego- a couple of questions

1. What did you tell your kids as the reason for separating?
2. How did you get through it/ how long did it take to get to the otherwise of this mindfuck?
3. What is your relationship like with your ex now?


BS (me): 32
WH: 33
Married: Feb 3, 2007
Discovery: Mar 26, 2014
Child 1: May 27, 2009
Child 2: May 23, 2012

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: canada
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

I had a moment of clarity the other day.

My biggest worry isn't that he will cheat again.

It's that he is gay.


He says he's not. Says he's not bi either.

But I know better. He may be in denial, but Im not. I believe he is bisexual.

I have my ducks in a row. If he comes home and tells me one day he is gay, I will be ok. I've taken steps to make sure of that.

Sometimes I feel is is inevitable.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
NotGonnaTakeIt
New Member
Member # 35875
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

emptiness,

I have also gone through this, so I will take a try with your questions:

1. My STBX husband is still in denial that he is gay and I have teens, so we just told them that we were having problems and needed some time apart. We have been separated for two years and the kids have never asked any questions. I don't think it is ideal, but I don't want my teenage son having to think about his Dad with some guy.

2. I got through it a day at a time. I had suspected he was gay for some time as he was uninterested in sex and I found gay porn on computer, however, I had no idea that he was living a double life and carrying on a multi-year affair with a guy. I was in shock for at least a few weeks, but then started researching and realized that I needed to get my financial ducks in a row as I was a SAHM. Having something to work on helped me tremendously, but it was a struggle. I did IC for over a year and leaned on my religious beliefs for strength and comfort. It has been a hard road, but I feel pretty good two years out and am feeling like I might like to date in the next year or so.

3. Our relationship is decent. He is not my friend because friends don't do what he did, but we celebrate the kids birthdays, Christmas and Thanksgiving together. At first I hated doing it and only did so to keep from having to share the kids, but now I am indifferent. My youngest is now a teen, so I don't know how long I will keep it up. My situation is a bit different as he is still financial supporting us and will be doing so for sometime while I finish school.

I am here if you want to chat or have more questions.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Jun 2012
emptiness2014
Member
Member # 43092
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

NotGonnaTakeIt,

Thanks for answering my questions.

My husband actually came out to me twice -once a year ago as bi but we wanted to work it out, then recently as gay (but again, he said he wanted to stay together and try to make this enough for him). A few days later, I hacked into his secret email account and found he had met up with a few men and had done some stuff with them (no sex, but kissing, oral etc.). I was so heartbroken. We had a great marriage - never fought, great sex life, etc. So this was so shocking to me that he could betray so much.

I confronted him and he initially only admitted to a few things.....after further digging and confrontations, he finally came clean about everything (which was backed up with all the evidence I found, that he couldn't figure out how and where I was getting it all from).

He said it wouldn't be fair to stay married, because he can't be the husband I deserve. We have two very young kids, so we are still in the house together but separate bedrooms. We have made some adjustments for holidays (Easter I still went to his family with him, but he did not come to my family's gathering). My kids are about to turn 2 and 5....and the 2 year old still wakes through the night. Due to that, and both wanting to be near the kids, and for financial reasons, it is nearly impossible for me to keep the house unless he stays living here. We have agreed to it until it no longer works for me (unlike many other stories I have read, my husband seems to be unique in that he is remorseful and agreeing to everything I say).

For a while (we are about a month post DDay) he seemed to be totally fine and not really as broken as me....but yesterday I saw him crying in his car and texted him to see if he was ok. He said he wasn't.....he was remembering all the great times we had, all the little things, how much he had loved me, and how stupid he was.....and that he can't believe he let it get to the point he did. He maintains he did not know until about 18 months ago that he was gay - that was the first time he was ever attracted to a man. And he doesn't understand it either because he was in love with me and was attracted to me (like I said, we had a great sex life). He was never cruel or mean to me - treated me like a queen. Always supportive, always affectionate and kind. Such a sweet man to me......but something has changed in him and I no longer recognise him. Yesterday was the first glimpse into the old him.

Fortunately, because he always treated me so well, it hasn't affected my confidence much, or messed with my mind as much.....what messes with me are the lies and betrayal. That someone I loved so much, and trusted completely, and gave everything to, could throw it away for a physical attraction....could lose sight of it or think it not important enough to remain faithful. Could show such a lack of kindness and respect, and could make such poor judgements (hello - anonymous hook ups?) and could continue having sex with me after meeting up with these men.


BS (me): 32
WH: 33
Married: Feb 3, 2007
Discovery: Mar 26, 2014
Child 1: May 27, 2009
Child 2: May 23, 2012

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: canada
NotGonnaTakeIt
New Member
Member # 35875
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

He is very right that it would not fair to be married to a gay man as you deserve someone that is completely and totally in to you. It is good that he is remorseful, but please remember that deception becomes a way of life for these guys/gals. I have learned to never take anything my STBX says or does at face value. I am on another board for straight spouses and the similarity between these guys/gals is amazing. However, since your husband has admitted he is gay, he might not be as manipulative as some.

I do understand the financial pressures as if this had happened when we were younger, I don't know how we could have afforded to live separately. However, it is very hard to move forward when you are both sharing a home. One thing to be prepared for is that when they start wanting to live their "gay life" they really put themselves first to the exclusion of the kids and everything. This is used called the "adolescent phase" because they behave like uncontrollable teens.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. It is mind boggling to think that you know someone and then find out you really didn't know them at all. Check out the board that I mentioned as you will find many good perspectives there. Please know that I am here to support you as I know how difficult this is! (((emptiness)))

K


Posts: 39 | Registered: Jun 2012
emptiness2014
Member
Member # 43092
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

NotGonnaTakeIt,

Surprisingly, it hasn't been too bad. I get the help with the kids waking in the night, and still get to work on finding my own life.....I go out every day (currently off work until my Dr gives the OK for me to return, but wants me scheduling one thing out of the house each day) and some evenings without having to worry about finding babysitting.

Financially, and for our kids, we will remain both in the house until I say it needs to change.

He has already experienced his "adolescence" in some ways - that's how I caught him. But I know it might get worse. At this point, he has a lot of shame over what has happened and is starting therapy soon (the earliest appointment he could get).

We keep things friendly, and it has been okay. I can't keep the house without him, and we don't want too many changes at once for our kids (my daughter is already moving schools in September, so having her daddy move out and us move would be too much - according to my therapist).

I am getting to the point where I am ready to move on.....we have clear rules. Eventually, we will both move one, but if we are still here at the house together, we don't bring anyone here. We go out to meet the person, and we will have specific nights we each get to go out with no questions (that will make it easier for me, because I won't have to see him going out with a man). We haven't started this yet - so far we are both still emotional and upset about what we are losing, and neither is ready to move on. Ironically, I think I will be ready to start dating before him....if I can just get some self-confidence back (I know I am amazing personality-wise, and any guy would be lucky to have me, but I gained weight with both pregnancies and from depression even before all this,and so I am not overly confident in the looks department.).


BS (me): 32
WH: 33
Married: Feb 3, 2007
Discovery: Mar 26, 2014
Child 1: May 27, 2009
Child 2: May 23, 2012

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: canada
PollyA
Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

I just don't get it. Does anyone else have a husband who acted out with men, but says and acts like he's committed to his marriage?

Just as my husband may becoming the husband I always thought I wanted, I now have such horrific trust issues that I'm not sure I want him!!!

Has anyone been able to trust again?


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 131 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

I assume and hope that a person who's attracted to men and women can be monogamous, so it makes sense to me that your H could have acted out with men, realized he was an idiot, and is giving his all to rebuild your M.

Once trust is broken, it takes a long, long time to earn it back. Also, being betrayed could be a deal breaker for you.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
NotGonnaTakeIt
New Member
Member # 35875
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

emptiness,

It sounds like you have a good handle on things and are ok having him around. I would definitely caution about moving on to dating any time soon. Many times we feel like we are ready, but if we don't take the time to heal, then we can attract the wrong sort or hurt a good person with our issues. I have heard to give it 6 months to a year for every 5 years married. I am 2-1/2 years out from d-day and I still haven't dated, but I was married almost 25 years at the time. I miss having a partner, but I feel this time has really been good for me. Wishing all the best for you and your kids!


Posts: 39 | Registered: Jun 2012
NotGonnaTakeIt
New Member
Member # 35875
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

PollyA

Honestly I don't believe that a man who has a same-sex attraction and has acted out a hundred times with anonymous men can be a good and committed husband to you. It appears to me from all the information I have read, discussing this with other straight spouses and hearing from gay men, that the biological and emotional need for a man to be with another man, just cannot be fulfilled be being with a woman. That desire is just so strong, that they almost seem to not be able to help themselves. Also in a vast majority of the marriages that I am familiar with (not 100%), the husband lies/minimizes what he has actually done. If he says he only contacted men, then he probably did oral. If he says he only did oral (this is bad enough), then he most likely did anal. If he says he slept with one man, then he probably did many men.

A same-sex cheater is NOT the same variety as a hetero cheater. They have many similarities, but the shame and denial get tangled up and make them much more unlikely to come clean, to be able to stop and to recommit to a hetero-relationship. They also usually always vow to want to work things out in their marriage. My husband was a rare case in that he wanted to stay together, but made it clear that he was going to continue his activities. That made it easier to kick him to the curb. However, most of the times it seems that they promise that they are not gay, they are a sex addict, or they are bi, and can make the marriage work. The one thing I have heard over and over and I believe absolutely to be true is that same-sex attraction grows stronger as one gets older. So even if you can work it out in the short-term, do you always want to be looking over your shoulder, wondering.....

Please understand that nothing is 100%. There may well be men out there who have same-sex attractions and can not act on them. I just haven't come across those stories. What I have come across is women, who truly believe their husbands are being truthful and they can make their marriages work, but once they start digging uncover so much more deceit then they could have imagined. I am really hoping that things will work out for you in the best way possible.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Jun 2012
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

1. What did you tell your kids as the reason for separating?
2. How did you get through it/ how long did it take to get to the otherwise of this mindfuck?
3. What is your relationship like with your ex now?

Sorry I'm late to this thread…I forget to check it!

1. Originally we told them that we weren't getting along. They were 5 and 8 at the time. That morphed over time, especially as my older child wanted answers and I refused to lie to them. After about a year, it was, "People make promises to each other and Daddy broke a promise to Mommy and hurt her heart". Then later, "Daddy wanted to date boys". My kids do know that Daddy was dating boys while we were married and I have him another chance and Daddy still wanted to date boys. Now, close to 4 years later, he is in an openly gay relationship.

2. I'm still not out of the mindfuck. But, overall I have moved on with my life. That took about 2 years post d-day to say I felt really good. Dating hasn't been easy for me.

3. Now, I'd say we are decent co-parents. He still doesn't' make the best decisions and I have primary custody of the kids. He sees them e/o weekend. He will come and stay here for holidays and we will chat occasionally.

My ex claimed he "wasn't gay", "wasn't even bi-sexual". He didn't know why, it wasn't "that great", on and on and on. I don't know what he would say NOW, because we don't talk about it. I know he has regrets, but that is it.

I am now 3 years post S and almost 4 years post d-day and I JUST NOW feel like I can be myself in a relationship. Like, I feel like I am an adult and making good relationship decisions when I do find time to date. We were together 17 years. I also feel this time working on myself has been very beneficial, I am a stronger person for what I went through.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

It appears to me from all the information I have read, discussing this with other straight spouses and hearing from gay men, that the biological and emotional need for a man to be with another man, just cannot be fulfilled be being with a woman.

A key question for us is: is our spouse gay or bi?

I agree that R won't work well - and probably won't work at all - when one partner is gay and the other is straight.

But I believe a person who has satisfying sex with both men and women is bisexual, not gay, and I believe that a person who bi has the ability to decide to be monogamous. I don't see how bisexuality in itself is an impediment to R. As far as I can see, M won't work with on gay and one straight partner, but a bisexual can be in a committed relationship with either straights, other bis, and/or gays.

Again, the key question for us is: is our spouse with same gender ap gay or bi?

A same-sex cheater is NOT the same variety as a hetero cheater....

How does the gender of the ap affect recovery? How does a gay A make recovery different? (For the record, I think you're over-generalizing here.)

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:31 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
PollyA
Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Oh yes, he lied. You're right about that!

When I found his online Adam4Adam profile, with TEARS in his eyes, REAL TEARS, he said, "Part of me is so glad you found this. I might have actually met someone if you hadn't found this!"

I was skeptical.

DD # 1. NOW I know he's been interested in cheating.

DD # 2, NOW I know he's been unfaithful with 2 people over a year.

DD # 3, NOW I know there has been unsafe sex practices.

DD # 4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11, 12....NOW I know more and more details

DD # 13? eight years, 100 partners, unsafe sex.

Always with strangers.

I believe him when he says he's never felt an emotional attachment to a man. He's definitely bi-sexual, however!

Someone said they're more afraid of their husband being gay, not that he'd cheat on them.

I fear more the cheating. If he's gay, good for him! Go out and be gay. Enjoy yourself.

It would make my life easier at this point.....



BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 131 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

All the reading and research I did said there is a "spectrum" of sexuality. (Kinsey scale).

I think it is much more complicated than "are they bi or gay", it has to do with their own personal morals and beliefs combined with their sexuality.

I would have bet money my ex was bi. We were together 17 years and having sex the entire time. At the time, I thought the sex was pretty good, although not frequent enough in the later years…but pretty good.

The first time I had sex post D…I was blown away with how that man craved me. Nothing like I had experienced with ex. SO loved my skin and my hair and my smell and was just fascinated with my body. My ex wasn't. It kinda opened my eyes to what sex is supposed to be like with a fully hetero man.

Now, ex is fully gay. I guess. I haven't asked him, but he calls his boyfriend the love of his life and his soul mate. Things I haven't found yet, I guess.

So, long story to…it isn't a black/white issue. If they are having sex with the same sex, you can be SURE they aren't straight.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
NotGonnaTakeIt
New Member
Member # 35875
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, May 2nd (Friday)

Definitely not a black and white issue, but I think male sexuality is less fluid than women's in general. There are definitely bi-sexual people, no doubt about it, but it seems like based upon my experience and those of other straight spouses that I have spoken to or engaged with online, that often (not always) a spouse saying they are "bi" is a way of breaking it gently and that "bi" turns to gay in an orderly fashion. Also, someone can perform with the opposite sex and even enjoy it, but their preference is toward same-sex. Additionally, as I mentioned and this is definitely corroborated in studies and books that I have read, same-sex attraction grows as a person ages.

Many cheaters, same-sex or otherwise, have professed their remorse, their willingness to stop their activities shed tears, etc. and yet continue on with their affairs. To me the difference in healing with a same-sex affair versus a hetero affair, is the questions that might be raised and linger:

1) Was this ever real or was I used as a "cover?"
2) The feeling that they will always to drawn to something that you cannot give them (not the right equipment) and that you will never be enough for them.
3) The fear that they are not "bi" as they might have stated but actually gay.

My husband does not choose to identify himself as gay. He tried to pull out the "fluid sexuality" thing. He was in a 6-7 year same sex affair when I found out 2-1/2 years ago and as far as I know, he is still with this guy. He said that "if he never sleeps with another woman, then maybe he is gay." That is ridiculous to me and shows the level of denial that some of these men have. We were married very young, so I give him the benefit of the doubt that he may have not been absolutely sure when we first got married, but according to his own admission, he knew he was attracted to men by 20 or 21. He said nothing.

Am I generalizing, sure, but it is generalizing based on 2-1/2 years of reading and talking with other straight spouses. However as I said, nothing is 100%, there are always exceptions and the possibility that a marriage can survive this. However, I do think it is advisable to treat a same-sex cheater with extreme skepticism when they say they are bi and want to reunite and recommit to the marriage.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Jun 2012
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, May 2nd (Friday)

NotGonna, I agree with you that attraction grows as they age…and I wonder if they simply stop fighting the attraction. Many of us, as we mature, start "Not Giving A Shit" any longer. I don't worry so much about what other people think of me, and I'm simply guessing that is what happens in the transition between bi and gay.

For me, ex did have a sexual encounter as a teenager (I found out post d-day). When he met me as a 21 year old, he lead me to believe he had been with a woman as a 15 year old and he had multiple girlfriends. He stated when he met me he was "struck by lightening" and fell in love and he pursued me hard. Saying, "I thought my 'questions' had been answered when I met you." I told him that he should have told me there was a question.

He knew. He knew he had an attraction to men and never told me.

That is what sickens me the most, knowing that we never had a chance, I blew my life on a guy that was doomed from the moment he met me. And I was clueless and used. For that, I will never forgive him and he knows it. Sadly, I do think he loves me…but it is the way a gay man loves a woman.

I definitely look back and know I was in denial that he was gay. It took about 9 months of accepting the marriage was over before I was ready to let go. Then probably another year of really working on being OK with letting it go.

It is a long process for everyone.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
PollyA
Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

cmego, I am glad that you're experiencing such unfettered sexual fun with partners. I have had that with my husband throughout our sexual life together, which spans 37 years.

It's not whether he's gay or straight. He's bisexual because he had sex (and enjoyed it!) with men. He has never felt emotionally attached, and usually didn't even know their names. After research, and during marital therapy, I thought maybe he was a Sex addict. But, he's not SA. He had compulsive rituals, yes, but nothing that he admits he is incapable of controlling. His life with porn was frequent and escalated before he started seeing men.

Someone on here wrote that her husband claims it's just his "kinkiness" that he met men. It is certainly not an excuse, but there is something to the idea of escalated risk being attractive to men. That is my fear. After so much risk, if he really, as he claims, has no urge to see men, WHAT WILL BE THE NEXT tHING!?!?

"I think it is much more complicated than "are they bi or gay", it has to do with their own personal morals and beliefs combined with their sexuality. "

He's been an amoral man with no consideration for me. If Glinda waved her wand and turned him into the best husband in the universe, I'm not sure I could forget that he put my life in danger for 8 years.

In his counseling, he says he's found out that he has discovered that the most important thing in the world is he values our relationship and love and support and family and friends, and blah blah blah....

I keep hoping that something will convince me he is and can remain a moral person.

[This message edited by PollyA at 6:28 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 131 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

I keep hoping that something will convince me he is and can remain a moral person.

^^^This takes time. And trust. And him doing a hell of a lot of work to earn it back.

I don't want to be negative with you since you are still figuring out everything. But, I heard similar things form my ex too. "I was just getting off with them, I made love to you!" "It didn't mean anything. It wasn't as good as I thought!" "I'm not gay!"

I think he cheated our entire 17 year relationship, although I will never know.

My fear for you is that he is lying to you. As my ex said, "Who WANTS to be this way??" It was much easier to be in the hetero world with a cute wife, big house and a couple of kids. He didnt' want to give up the "normal" life, and he claimed to still be very much in love with me.

I discovered later he lied to all of our therapists too. We did IC and MC…he lied to all of them.

Simply…lying is easy for them. That is the scary part.

There is nothing any of us can say that will give you the answer. All you can do is make the decision to leave, or watch and wait. It took me 9 months to decide to finally leave, and that is when I discovered he was back in contact with one of the AP's…it was then I knew he couldn't do what needed to be done. As soon as things got really ugly (I was in so much pain and venting), he ran back to his "addiction" or "escape" or whatever you want to call it.

(((PollyA)))


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
PollyA
Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

This started as a quick response, but turned into what I want to say to the MC (our second one) that H has arranged for us to see on Monday. I need relief from him. I’ve explained that. He thinks a MC counselor can help. I know I’m not entering this with the right attitude. I DID enter with the right attitude nine months ago when we saw the first MC. This time, I think he owes me. He has a lot to make up to me. This sounds like an attorney making her closing arguments….sad, right?

You nailed my problem exactly! "doing a hell of a lot to win back my trust" is what isn't happening.

He THINKS he’s doing the work to save our marriage, however, he does what he wants, and not what I’ve asked him to do since the VERY FIRST DISCLOSURE ten months ago. Oh my God, I’ve been feeling this way for nine months….

I don't mean he's having sex with men still...or women. My three main requests to him.
1. Be honest
2. Keep your word
3. Drive the work to save our marriage. (this original request was for him to “accelerate” his growth and recovery. That boundary was immediately breached. I should have left then.)

1. He took six and a half months to tell the whole truth (after lying in MC for five months, wasting $1300!), and only because I would find new information and he’d have to re-confess his full “truth”. He continues to vacillate about certain details of our long ago past claiming “I really can’t remember”, which is what he’d said the entire time he was lying. Then he knew, he was just afraid to tell me. So, now when he says that it seems like just more lies.

2. He doesn't keep his promises to me. He doesn't understand the importance of it. Some of these promises are not deal breaker in and of themselves. It's the fact he makes them then breaks them.

Example: We have not had any sexual interaction since...I think last September. It wasn't intercourse, but there was touching. At some point, he made more disclosures and I had a HUGE negative reaction regarding something specific that we'd enjoyed together. More triggers added to the mountain of deceit. I couldn't touch him or be touched by him anymore.

He said that he understood. He swore to me that he was not going to masturbate until that time when I felt I wanted to have physical relations with him again. I told him that was not necessary. I was not willing to make the same promise! He made a big deal of saying he was not going to masturbate, and if he found it too difficult to abstain, he'd talk to me about it.

Sometime later I asked if he'd masturbated. Not only did he say that he had masturbated, he did not remember making that promise. A huge fight ensued. After much struggle, he remembered. This resulted in many tears, his promises, his anger, my anger, and my continuing to questioning his every word....

It's not about whether he masturbated. It's about his inability to remember what seemed very important to him just a few months earlier and keep that promise.

After a bad time of me putting down the boundary of leaving if he doesn’t do something more than what he was doing, he reluctantly agreed to do some online exercises, at least one, preferably two a week. If he is too busy to do so, he should let me know and it will be fine. We'll talk about it. He did it…twice? Three times, but not weeks in a row. This month, he waited three weeks, then sends me one via email, no discussion, no explanation. I wrote back, “After three weeks what am I supposed to do with this?” He replied, “I know I’m behind on my writing. I’m going to do another lesson tomorrow. We can talk about them later.” I wrote back, “Nah…thanks anyway”. Since then (a week), he hasn’t addressed it, hasn’t explained, just puts on a smile and suggests we go see a sunset! (I wouldn’t) and a movie (I did)

He loves to suggest sunsets, and fun things for us to do. He likes to pretend that nothing's wrong. I try. I put on a happy face, but inside I’m sad and angry because it’s the same avoidance. The same broken promises. The same not sharing his feelings.

Another broken promise: Throughout his trickle truth, and my head exploding, I would leave the house due to overwhelming negative emotions. Once I tried to sleep in the car because we are having financial difficulties and I didn’t want to spend the money on a hotel. (NYC is VERY expensive). For several weeks, off and on, I couch surfed and put myself in uncomfortable situations. Snow made it difficult. My public transportation commute to work was long and physically difficult. (We work in the same school, but in different areas, so with one car we car pool, but once at school don't need to interact.) I asked him to be the one to leave next time. He said that he would leave if we found ourselves at that point sadness and anger again. He agreed when we were having the discussion. When we found ourselves in that situation again, I begged him to leave. I even promised that I would not tell ANYONE about his same sex affairs. Just go and let me be. He refused to leave. I left. I took the car this time, at least!

He claims him not leaving shows he's committed to staying in the marriage. I see that he didn’t honor his word. Every broken promise makes me question his ability to keep his promise of marital fidelity. So far, he’s not been able to keep it for 8 of our 11 married years. He also cheated on me before we were married and had claimed that he’d learned from our previous MC that he wanted to be with me. (Oh, I just reread a letter he wrote to me as we were going through that time. He made all the promises in the world. He even wrote, “please no more ’swear on your dick’ ( I thought we settled whose dick it was once and for all, anyway)” I guess we really didn’t settle that last one, cause I would never have agreed to the 100 strange men’s dick inclusion.)


3. From the first disclosure I’ve told him that I need him to drive the effort to save our marriage. He sees going to IC as doing this. He seems to get a lot from this work. I’m happy it’s made him feel less shame and terror. When it comes to our interaction, however, he lets things go…..as if nothing is wrong. He knows eventually my head will explode and I’ll bring it up. He is well practiced at ignoring his emotions. I’m not. He’s suggested we do interesting and/or romantic things together while we have unresolved horrible questions between us. I MUST STOP THAT INTERACTION. I don’t know how to let go or pretend. It's too difficult at this point. Supposedly he's working on that in his individual counseling, but I don't know how. He speaks very little of his IC.

My counselor had suggested that I speak with H's IC to give the IC the partner's perspective in this possible SA, NPD treatment. He claimed it was fairly common. The first time, H said his IC said, "After working with addicts for so long, I know when I'm being lied to." My initial reaction to that was anger because I'd known H for 37 years and STILL didn't know when he was lying to me!

A month later, I asked H if his IC thinks our marriage can be saved. If he thinks if it's possible H can be a moral man who keeps his promises. H said "yes" and would see if his IC would have me at a session to discuss those topics. H texted his IC. After some back and forth, IC said that he didn't want to do it for the next session, but that he and H could discuss it at their next session. That was two months ago and I've never heard from him about it again.


I stay up at night tortured with this fact: He's unwilling or unable to do what I'VE asked him to do for our marriage. We have discussed at length that I need “All, or Nothing at All”, to quote Jack Lawrence. He knows exactly what he needs to do to earn that privilege, but he hasn’t done it. It’s not a priority for him.


At this point, after so much emotional withholding, I'm tired, depressed, and although I still wish for us to have a trusting, loving marriage, I can't be with him through his process. I’m much better when he’s not around. It makes me cry to put those words in writing, but it’s true.

We can't even start working on the betrayals of the past because he continues to betray me (as silly as they might seem) in the present.

I need to stop living in that disappointed present. I don’t know how to be with him and accept his behavior as he works through it. In June, I’m going away for two months for my job and only have off one day a week. I want no contact with him so that I can't be disappointed in him anymore.
When I come back, I’ll reevaluate. In the meantime we see that counselor in two days. Wish me luck.

If you got through this, God Bless you for caring!!

[This message edited by PollyA at 5:47 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)]


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 131 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

Polly, at some point you will just hit "enough" and be able to walk away. Truthfully, I kinda knew the 9 months we were in "R", that ex wasn't really doing the work. He was kinda doing a few things, but really just wanted it all to go away and for us to move on.

All I can tell you is that when I finally really hit "rage", about 6 months in…all he kept saying was, "I'm hurting too!" and I thought, "fuck you and get out of my house." I was hurting so badly over some terrible trigger, and what I realized is that he couldn't stop thinking about himself. I kicked him out. Within 2 days I apologized to him and asked him to come home.

I realized his behavior changed after that, and I found out later he turned to fAP for comfort.

I was done. I had seen him break pretty much every promise he made to me during R. Minimal work, said the right things but didn't DO the right things.

I know he loved me, but it is the way a gay man loves a woman…I, and our children, were not enough for him and that was and IS sad.

At some point you will simply wake up and know it is time to be done. What you are describing is not a safe person (emotionally) to be with, but you have to make that determination.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 4th (Sunday)

Let me clarify.

I didn't mean to imply that being gay is a bad thing.

My fear comes from being almost 4 years out from dday. For the first 3 years my biggest fear was that he would cheat again. Now? Not so much. I don't think he will cheat again. Im not 100% sure of that, of course, but Im truly not concerned that he will cheat on me again.

But...what if he is lying? To me...to himself? What if he is deep in denial about his sexuality? What is Im wrong..and he isn't bi..but is gay?

So...I watch him.

And some days? I think Im watching my husband come out of the closet.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, May 4th (Sunday)

(((confused615)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, May 5th (Monday)

confused…I just want to hug you. I"m sorry you have to "watch and wonder". I guess I watched as my ex came out of the closet, I was just out of the marriage by then.

I can clearly remember wondering when we WERE married. Just an odd thing or two that he would do that would make me go, "hmmmm….." But, I assumed I was paranoid. I used to have dreams that he was cheating on me, and not too far before d-day I clearly watched my H watch another man walk across the room. I can remember that pit in my stomach as I watched his eyes watch that man. I looked at him and said, "Would you like to go his number?" He acted like he had NO IDEA what I was talking about.

The only thing you do know is that he isn't straight…the rest is kinda up to him. If he is gay and doesn't want to act on those urges because he wants to be with you instead…then let him make that choice.

Do you think he is staying with you so you don't hurt??

I have another friend that the H stayed until their dd went to college. Then he came out and left the marriage, so she is in her 50's trying to start over. He said he was just trying not to hurt anyone. Also what my ex said, he didnt' want to "hurt" me by telling me.

Just keep talking to him…that is all you can do.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
PollyA
Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, May 5th (Monday)

((Confused))!!

I'm sorry that you are still hurting after so much time and love invested.

Have you been to therapy? When we talked to the therapist (the last time when he was still lying about disclosure), he asked me very pointed questions about our sex life. From those answers, he believes h to be predominantly heterosexual, with some bisexual tendencies. It included my input on the types of sexual activities we enjoyed as well as H's saying what HE likes.

I don't want to tmi, but if he is able to view and find your sexual organs attractive, he is not completely homosexual. He is likely bisexual.

There are tests online, but I understand they don't help if your husband is not telling himself the truth. I put them here nevertheless.

The second one can be complicated. You must read the words carefully. Me, who has never felt attracted to or engaged in sexual activity with the same sex, keep getting some "points" on the homosexual scale. Go figure!

I wish you peace.

http://www.youngsouthampton.org/children-and-young-people/advice/relationships/sexuality/klein-sexual-orientation-grid-quiz.aspx

http://www.youngsouthampton.org/children-and-young-people/advice/relationships/sexuality/multidimensional-scale-of-sexuality-quiz.aspx


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 131 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, May 5th (Monday)

I give. How can I tell if my H had some kind of gay encounter? I found a number listed as 'BK' when I found out about his A. I contacted the number - a gay man. I could find no record of my H ever calling or texting. Now, years later, I look at an old yahoo account. I find an old contact, and the initials are the same ' BHK'. I can't find anything out about this username but I'm sure it's the same person.

I'm at my wits end. I'm really feeling defeated.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
PollyA
Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Why do you think your H may have had a gay encounter? The things you list don't seem to conclude that to me, but there's not a lot of information there.

Can you fill in some details? The timing on finding out about the A? How did you know the number was a gay man? What are on the emails to BHK the old contact on the yahoo account.

And this may sound simplistic, but did you ask him?


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 131 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
emptiness2014
Member
Member # 43092
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

NotGonnaTakeIt,

Some days I feel like I have a good handle on it, other days I fall apart. Depends on the day, the hour, the trigger etc.

I definitely will not be dating anytime soon. It wouldne be fair to to me, anyone I date, or my kids. And really, I can't see dating while he is still living here. Awkward. I told him if he is ready to start dating then this won't work. He says he is too screwed up right now to even think about it. I think he is feeling a lot.of shame. especially because I keep finding more crap and confronting him. I can be a hardass.

There is no legal separation in canada, and we have to be separated for a year before we can divorce. So, just working on a separation agreement for us, that will be the basis for divorce terms, and working on getting my ducks in a row financially.


BS (me): 32
WH: 33
Married: Feb 3, 2007
Discovery: Mar 26, 2014
Child 1: May 27, 2009
Child 2: May 23, 2012

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: canada
Dusty1061
New Member
Member # 43505
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)

Hi I am new here. Not sure how this works but I will give I a shot.

I am glad for the topic. There is nowhere else you can safely go to shout out loud my wh had a with men. I found emails from Craigslist and my heart start racing an swimming. How oblivious I was to all this. It wasn't just men but women too. Says he is not gay or bi. Yeah right. I feel so stupid to a world I had no clue.

How do you hold your head up. It's bad enough all things he's done but this socks my gut the worst.

Thanks for the thread

Bs 53
Wh 54
M 26 together 31
2 kids grown


Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Missouri
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

Dusty, sorry you found yourself here.

First, go get tested for STD's. Like, yesterday.
Second, accept that if your H was having sexual contact with men, he is likely not straight and very well may be on the road to either bi or gay. Most fight it for a very long time.

Post in "Just Found Out", that forum moves quicker and you will get more support. Just because the A's were with men doesn't' change the fact that YOU need support. There are enough of us on here with gay/bi spouses that you WILL find support.

Hang in there!


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Makingitsofar
New Member
Member # 37873
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I would like to respond to the comments that a bisexual is really gay and will not be able to stay faithful after cheating with men. The odds are certainly overwhelming that the marriage is doomed, but I am hoping my husband and I defy the odds. It has need 3 years since D day. It is true that it takes a very long time to move past the infidelity. I still have sad days of doubt, but my husband has been working hard to gain back my trust. Some of the comments sound like they came from the straight spouse network. If you are working to save your marriage and remain monogamous, that sight is not supportive. If you decide to end the marriage, then they probably offer a lot of support after divorce. Who knows what the future holds, but having survived those awful first years, I'm betting that we will make it!


Holly Price

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Houston
NotGonnaTakeIt
New Member
Member # 35875
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Makingitsofar I honestly wish nothing for the best for you and your marriage. I agree with you that the straightspouse website is not good if you are trying to reconcile.

I don't think anyone said here that bisexual is really gay, but I will say that many gay husbands in denial will claim to be bisexual because they are ashamed to be gay. My own husband who had a 6-7 year affair with a man (exclusively...no other partners) and never slept with me once during that time, denies he is gay. Sorry I don't buy that. That doesn't mean a man who is truly bisexual cannot be faithful to a woman, but a lot depends on the circumstances of the cheating. I don't think anything is wrong with advising caution and a great deal of watchfulness.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Jun 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 13th (Sunday)

I don't think anything is wrong with advising caution and a great deal of watchfulness.

That's true no matter what gender the ap is, of course.

Makingit, I think the right stuff to focus on is stuff like:

Is your H bi or gay?
If bi, is he willing to be monogamous?
Do you want him back?
Are you both willing to do the work of R?

Clearly, some women enjoy sex with both men and women. Logically, there are men who really are bi and who enjoy sex with both men and women.

Your H is the one who knows best what he likes.

I wish you the best in your attempt to R. If your H is hooked enough on you and if he does the work, I bet your odds of success are about as good as everybody else's.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
steppingup
Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

About two months ago I came home and smelled vagina on my WW face when I kissed her. I asked about it, she denied having given a woman oral sex, but I know she had girlfriends in college, she wont admit anything but a man never mistakes that smell for anything. The only other explaination is that she recieved oral then made out. The very idea is sickening to me.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 623 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
artec
New Member
Member # 19439
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 14th (Thursday)

After reading through all the posts, I know this thread is pretty dormant, but I am sure there are many new victims of same gender affairs.

My story is as follows. First a little history, my wife had an affair with my best friend back in 2002. After years of working at rebuilding, roughly 5 to be truly happy again, she had another affair, this time with a lesbian friend (2013). From the events of 2002 I had promised that I would listen to my gut in future. So I caught onto the affair pretty quickly, I believe I know the full extent, however my wife lied so many times in 2002 and again when I suspected the unthinkable, that she was having an affair with another woman.

I had always said there would be no second time, a second time would mean divorce. In the end by some miracle I have managed to stick in there.

While I have managed to move on from the actual affair, some nagging questions remain. What is her true sexual preference, does she even know? When is a female friend becoming to close? Not really something I had ever had to worry about, but now I do. It just adds so much complexity to life. Another fear which seems common, will she one day decide that she is lesbian and drop me. More like is she happy or is she simply doing what she feels is right...

I wonder if this isn't best likened to opening pandora's box. Once opened there is no going back. Like she crossed a line and there is no going back. I am not sure if I imagine it or not, but I feel her personality is different now.

I know there are no answers, probably why I have never asked questions on this forum. Each situation is different, but for the sake of sharing I have written this post.

[This message edited by artec at 8:44 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]


Me: BS (July 2002, Nov 2013)
Married: Feb 2000
2 daughters

Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2008 | From: South Africa
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, August 14th (Thursday)

She could be bisexual. And therefore a cheater not someone inevitably drawn to another of the same gender.

It is very difficult,,short of a confession of sexual,attraction and acts, to know when women cross the line. To me,,their normal lives are an EA as they talk about intimate things with each other all,the time as parts,of normal conversations,,kiss each other hello and goodbye,,etc.

She could see a C to,explore why she was attracted to this woman. But she should have known of any same gender attraction from her teen years on. Just like heteros know of opposite sex attraction from those years on.

I don't buy my wife's "girls,just wanna have fun" explanation for her lurid behavior once a year with her gf's. Yet that's essentially the explanation I get.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 14th (Thursday)

Oh, man, artec. A 2nd A after 11 years - that's pretty close to unbearable, but you have to bear it.

My sense is that I have to face almost all the same issues with a same-gender ap as everybody else does. The one thing that makes this easier for me is that my W's cheating with a woman could be saying I'm a lousy woman, so I must be a great man. But that's not really true - I believe the WS's A has nothing to do with the BS.

The other side of this, as you realize, is whether your W is bi or homosexual, and if she's bi, what does she have to do to be monogamous. Those are questions only she can answer.

In any case, SI can provide lots of support. Ask for what you want.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
artec
New Member
Member # 19439
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, August 15th (Friday)

Thank you for the responses. Schadenfreude, you make an interesting point with regard to female friendships being very close to EA's. In my W's case this is how it started, the lines blurred and before you know it a line has been crossed.

Before close friendships never bothered me, I believed and still do believe they are important. However, with the line that was crossed such friendships now concern me.

Anyway, my decision was that I would not police my W, that's not my idea of a marriage. If she wants our marriage to work, she needs to take control of her thoughts and actions.

sisoon, good chuckle at your comment about being a lousy woman and hence a great man .


Me: BS (July 2002, Nov 2013)
Married: Feb 2000
2 daughters

Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2008 | From: South Africa
awful
New Member
Member # 44623
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, September 15th (Monday)

I found out a few months ago that while attending an out of state event, my husband had sex with another man. I know this because he came home and confessed through hysterical tears.

Basically he said he was at the hotel bar visiting with folks and talking to this one guy. He has a vague recollection of going up to his room but no memory of anything after that.

He acknowledged having too much to drink but said he hadn't had that much and was/is bothered that he doesn't know what happened.

A week after this revelation he came clean about 2 other affairs - both with women.

I'm obviously very confused and would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Texas
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, September 15th (Monday)

Who is this guy? Why was he talking to him? What was he talking to him about? Why did he go to this man's hotel room? All of these questions need to be answered.

I think this is the tip of the iceberg.

I recommended a polygraph earlier..that advice still stands.

Also, he needs to be tested for STD's..and he needs to tell the person giving the tests that he had sex with a man..so they test for the right things. You also need to be tested.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, September 16th (Tuesday)

I agree with confused615 on this. Your H sounds like he wants you to think he was drugged - even if that's so, testing is essential.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 16th (Tuesday)

Yeah...I'm with the others. First, you need to be tested and insist he tests for ALL STD's and don't have sex with him.

It is pretty simple that hetero men don't have sex with other men...even if drugged or drunk. My ex drank in the earlier affairs to lower his inhibitions. You ex sounds like he is laying down a story, and my ex sure felt relieved that his "secret" was out. I heard plenty of "stories" over the years, and in a twisted way, they feel like they are "protecting us" from the truth. The truth is going to hurt us, so they tell lies assuming the lies won't hurt. It is a twisted way of thinking.

My ex was having sex with me and men, so not sure what that made him. We weren't the couple that had NO sex for years and then the guy comes out gay...we were active until d-day, then experienced hysterical bonding. Now, 4+ years later, he is out as a gay man but will sexually flirt with me.

It is confusing at best.

Feel free to reach out to any of us, there are several of us on these boards. Cheating is cheating...you will get a ton of support. Also, if you can find a good therapist for YOURSELF....go.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
awful
New Member
Member # 44623
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, September 17th (Wednesday)

Thanks for responding, it really does help to know I am not the only woman who has ever tried to deal with this.

We both were tested for STD's and thankfully everything was negative. He confessed to me about the other man because he was afraid he had contracted something and wanted us to see our doctor.

I know he thinks he was drugged but I just can't wrap my head around that. Given that he also confessed to having affairs with 2 different women, I just do not know what to think about any of it.

Also, it seemed much easier for him to confess about his encounter with the other man than it did the other women. That confession came a week later after I pestered him to tell me everything.

He says he is ashamed, is not gay or bi and has no clue as to why that happened. I am still trying to process all of it but I can't shake the feeling that he hasn't told me everything (even though he swears he has). Maybe the polygraph idea is good but that sounds so extreme. how would I even approach the idea with him?


Posts: 46 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Texas
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, September 17th (Wednesday)

I can safely say that I heard the same thing, "I'm not gay or bi, I have no idea, I was just curious, it just happened, blah, blah, blah..."

The reality is that he isn't ready to face himself...or you for that matter.

I didn't go the polygraph route, I knew that I had enough information that I didn't want any additional pain. But, if I had found SI sooner, I think I would have done things differently. I would have insisted on more from him.

If you can do marriage counseling, then I would approach it in there if you aren't comfortable just telling him honestly, "I don't trust you right now to tell me the truth. A polygraph will go a long way in establishing the beginning of trust..." Also, post in the Reconciliation forum is that is what you are thinking...infidelity is infidelity. Although he cheated with men and women, the behavior patterns are the same.

Hang in there.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
awful
New Member
Member # 44623
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, September 18th (Thursday)

cmego - you are right on so many levels. I actually used your words with him last night and told him I didn't think he had been totally truthful and that it might be because he couldn't face himself or me just yet.

I said that perhaps submitting to a polygraph test would really help us both get to the bottom of a few things. he readily agreed and said he would do it. we shall see.

thanks again for your advice and encouraging words, they are keeping at least part of my sanity intact.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Texas
Good1
New Member
Member # 45180
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, October 10th (Friday)

Please forgive me for bumping this thread but I'm new and don't quite know the ettiquitte here yet.
I am looking for anyone who has been through something similar.
I am the BS who found out last week that my WH has been calling Transexual escorts. He says he only called because he was curious and never followed through. he wants to reconcile and tells me he is straight. I have these nightmares where he leaves me for a man. I am at such a loss. I want to believe him and move on but I feel like I'm not getting the whole story.


Note to self: Every time you were convinced you couldn't go on, you DID.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Midwest
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, October 10th (Friday)

Hi Good1...welcome.

The truth is, straight men have no desire..nor are they curious..about being with other men. He is either gay,bi, or he has some serious foo/abuse issues to deal with.

I got a polygraph after 2.5 years of "R." it was the best thing I could have done. I only wish I had done it shortly after dday. It would have saved me so much heartache.

If I were you, I would insist on a polygraph, right away.

The chances that he didn't meet up with one of these people is very small.

Im sorry.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 10th (Friday)

Good1~

I'm with confused. Heterosexual men are not interested in other men. At all. They are not curious. BTW...I got that too..."I was just curious...and I'm straight..."

They WANT to be straight, but they aren't and haven't accepted that yet. They don't want to hurt you either...but they ARE hurting you. Mine truly believed that as long as I didn't know what he was doing, then I wasn't getting hurt.

I tried to R with my ex for almost 9 months before he had another affair. It was then that I realized he was just fighting the inevitable. He needed to go through his own process about accepting who he is. That isn't the type of relationship I wanted. Some people are able to maintain relationships with bi/gay spouses, but it takes a lot of open communication and I'd guess a lot of therapy.

You need to find yourself a therapist, and also go to marital counseling if you want to try to R.

YOU need support too, and that was one of the best things I did was to find a great therapist.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Good1
New Member
Member # 45180
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, October 11th (Saturday)

Thank you confused and cmego

I have to say I left him last night. He just couldn't handle my emotional ups and downs. He had the nerve to minimize what he's done.
I just couldn't sit there and deal.

I think Ill start looking for a fabulous attorney

I'm not going to put myself through this any longer.


Note to self: Every time you were convinced you couldn't go on, you DID.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Midwest
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, October 11th (Saturday)

I know this is difficult, and part of it is the lack of empathy from your H.

My ex also minimized, "I didn't MEAN to hurt you..." and just wanted me over the anger. Those helped to propel me forward to leave him and start a new life.

I interviewed several attorneys before I found the right one for me. I viewed it as striking a financial deal for the rest of my life.

Feel free to PM me, or hang out in the other forums for support too.

Therapy was very helpful for me. Hang in there!


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
awful
New Member
Member # 44623
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 11th (Saturday)

Good1 - hang in there and know you are not alone. Infidelity is difficult enough but having to deal with sexual identity and complete denial is incredibly devastating and confusing.

Glad you are taking the steps that feel right for you.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Texas
Good1
New Member
Member # 45180
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)

Thanks guys

I''m dealing. I think I''ve figured out my H is lying to himself. (And me of course) I don''t know anyone who has struggled with sexual identity issues but I can only imagine that is hell in of itself.
A wonderful member of this community directed me to a place where I could gather more info and I am so grateful for that. I took the gay husband test and I passed with flying colors! Hooooraaayy for me

I think I have graduated to the I''m angry stay out of my face phase.


Note to self: Every time you were convinced you couldn't go on, you DID.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Midwest
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)

My wife didn't cheat, but did confess to having a strong attraction to another woman. They have talked about their curiosities and making it happen. They have made out in front of me & the other girl's significant other. I'm open to this, but so soon after the A it has affected me a bit. Is she on a new wave of curiosity? Mid-age crisis? Because the A with the OM was purely her wanting to experiment at first.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)

Why are you open to this?

She was very, very slow to.find remorse. You've had a uphill battle since dday. You are still struggling.

Why are you open to sharing your wife with another woman?

You are walking a dangerous line, my friend.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Good1
New Member
Member # 45180
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)

2married,

Good question. are you afraid she will act on her desires? Have you talked to her about your concerns?


Note to self: Every time you were convinced you couldn't go on, you DID.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Midwest
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)

WTF, 2m? Making out in front of you? And you condone it? How does that help R?

Has your W done 3somes with that couple? Sorry, I can't help thinking that, and you may need some sort of wake up call.

It's one thing to say 'She looks really sexy.' It's quite another to say, 'I'm attracted to her.'

Honestly, if my W was going to cheat, I'm glad she did it with a woman rather than a man, but the pain was excruciating nevertheless.

Stop kidding yourself. I thought you chose your path based on a solid connection with reality. Now I wonder if you're not all that much in touch.... Are you?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)

It's another example of her shitty boundaries...only this time you are going along with it.

Why?

Ok..I get that some men have this fantasy. And..once that moment is over..then what?

It will raise all kinds of new questions.

It will create new triggers.

You are setting yourself up for another dday..she will tell you she thought you'd be ok with it..because you're telling her you're ok with it.

What about STD's? Has this woman been tested?

And..yeah..I agree with sisoon..the thought that they have already had a threesome crossed my mind as well.

THIS is no way to move forward after infidelity.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)

No threesome guys. I'm sure of it.

I sometimes think she wants to have this fling to erase all the bad stuff from the original A and this time I'm part of it? Trust me, I've had all sorts of thoughts.

It was a fantasy from prior to the A, but never ever did we take it serious. Till she met this woman. However, it's one of those things that if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't (for her). It's not a priority, it's not a goal, it's not anything.

The reason I question it all is because I'm wondering if I'm too open minded and it may not be healthy?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)

I think you're being too casual about it.

"If it happens, it happens."

Has this woman been tested? And what is it about this woman that your wife likes so much? Is it more than a physical connection?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)

Physical, and then also the girl is very sweet to her. A pleaser like me. She's disease free.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)

You are going to do what you want to do...but this will come back to bite you in the ass.

This is why...

DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels


Careful R..not solid.

I just can't see anything good coming from this..other than an hour or so of live porn. And once that's over...well..man..Im worried about you and how you will handle that.

You are giving your wayward wife permission to have sex with someone else...woman or not..it's someone other than you.

It may not be cheating because you are going along with it..but that doesn't mean your heart won't hurt.

Small 2x4 here...you're thinking with the wrong head.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:32 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)

It's not gonna happen. They just talk about it as a fantasy really. I think my major concerne is how she changed so much in the last few years. From being black and white to the gay issue, to all of a sudden being curios and wanting to try bisexual sex.

She hid her childhood sexual abuse for years, but I think now it came to the surface and the A blew open the lid that stopped it before.

[This message edited by 2married2quit at 11:53 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)]


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, October 14th (Tuesday)

They have made out in front of you..it's already happening.

How do you know it isn't going to continue if you tell her no?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

They have made out in front of you..it's already happening.
How do you know it isn't going to continue if you tell her no?

You're saying they are already having an affair?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

No..I was referring to your last post where you said it's not going to happen, it's just fantasy, they just talk about it. If they are making out in front of you, it's gone beyond fantasy.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

Honestly, sometimes I think she does it to keep me interested cause I'm loosing interest real fast in our M.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 15th (Wednesday)

Gently, 2m, If my W kissed a potential sexual partner on the lips, I think I'd dissolve in pain.

Fantasy has a habit of becoming reality, especially when people are open about the fantasy and especially when the people involved have poor boundaries.

OTOH, if you're as detached from your W as you say, maybe your W's actions with this ow are exactly what you're looking for.

In any case, I wish your life were going better for you.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, October 15th (Wednesday)

Please don't do this. Shut this shit down. No fantasy is worth the pain you will feel afterwards. And you will feel pain.

If she has to fuck someone else to keep you interested...what's the point of staying married?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, October 16th (Thursday)

2X4 accepted guys. Not going forward.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, October 17th (Friday)


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
takethelongview
New Member
Member # 44822
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, November 3rd (Monday)

I knew my ww had been with a woman once when she was a teenager. When we were dating and then M she would develop crushes on other women. On one occasion she had sex with a lesbian friend and I told her I would kill the friend if she broke up my marriage. I cannot tell you whether that was true or not. But it ended.

As the years have gone by and my ww's psychological isses have improved but not disappeared, i have come to be less concerned about her sexual inclinations toward women. Her A was with a male and one more of those and she is gone. And she knows it.

When she asked the difference I said no woman is my biological competitor. Her affair was pure selfishness and her psychological issues. Her attraction to women is innate and I cannot change or fulfill that.


I am learning to abide.

BS
DDay 2011
Living day to day
DD teenager
DD teenager

I don't call us in "reconciliation." Our original relationship is long buried. Now we are building a marriage. Again.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: NC
WarmFuzzy
New Member
Member # 42433
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, November 11th (Tuesday)

I may have asked before, guys, but how many folks in this group are trying to reconcile with their spouses?

I know it seems so futile at times, but I have to believe it can work.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2014
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, November 11th (Tuesday)

Not many, I know confused615 is....

We tried to R for 8 months, I was in the MOM group too.

All I can say is that I'm very happily dating a really good man at 4 years post d-day. It is by far the best relationship I've ever been in.

Good luck with your decision.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, November 11th (Tuesday)

We're in R, successful so far, and all evidence indicates we'll be partners for life, and happy with that.

My W is not gay. She likes sex with me; apparently many gay women feel revulsion at the thought of sex with men.

I'm pretty permissive. I don't care who she finds attractive - I know I can find attractive women if I walk down any busy street. I think R just requires that she commit to monogamy with me. (I've already committed to monogamy with her. If she were gay, I'd choose D, and I think she would, too.)


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, November 11th (Tuesday)

I am. It's hard. Sometimes it's overwhelming. But we are reconciling. It's an ongoing process.

I know he loves me. I know he loves having sex with me. I know he wants to be married.

It's what I.don't know that scares me.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
WarmFuzzy
New Member
Member # 42433
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, November 11th (Tuesday)

Thanks guys. I know the stats aren't great, but it's oddly comforting to see the other relationships don't make it either...know what I mean?

I'm trying to live in the moment. Take him at his word. Keep my eyes open, but somehow still remain vulnerable as you are in a relationship. I have good days and bad days.

I'm 48 now, found out in Feb 2013. Pretty sure he has remained monogamous since deciding to stay together. IC on a reg basis for him, I'm sporadic about my own therapy, and I need to cut that out and go regularly.

We have a soon to be 19 year old and a 13 year old. I honestly want to make sure I get the youngest launched before any implosion occurs, if it is. This has been a major trauma for me to deal with. I hope I get more peace and clarity as time moves forward. If anyone can message me any encouragement that would be awesome. I don't post much, but I read so often I have to take breaks every now and then. So much pain in the world! Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex. Never enough.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2014
Pfau
New Member
Member # 45310
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, November 12th (Wednesday)

We are R too, WarmFuzzy.

He's not gay. He has a fascination with dicks but doesn't find men attractive ... just their appendage. *I* don't understand that, personally, but that's not my thang with which to struggle, you know?

He wants to change. He wants to R. He wants to get help (which he is getting). He wants to have sex with me. He wants to be married to me.

It's only been a month since the last Dday so we'll see?


Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2014
Good1
New Member
Member # 45180
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, November 14th (Friday)

My H and I are trying to R also.

Pfau, my H explained his interest in transsexual porn as something that has all the elements (feminine+masculine) of hetero porn with a twist. He says men turn him off. This has been a total mindfuck for me because I have a hard time trying to analyze this stuff. I tend to live in the black and white. No gray areas for me.


Note to self: Every time you were convinced you couldn't go on, you DID.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Midwest
artec
New Member
Member # 19439
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, November 14th (Friday)

Also in R.

I think I have come to the conclusion that my wife is not gay. I agree with what sisoon said. It doesn't matter if she thinks someone else is attractive, its that she commits to me and visa versa.

It's still early days, so I take R each day as it comes.


Me: BS (July 2002, Nov 2013)
Married: Feb 2000
2 daughters

Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2008 | From: South Africa
wmwb123
New Member
Member # 45672
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, November 19th (Wednesday)

I would also like to reconcile with my WW, but alas, she has filed for divorce and won't speak to me. Her behavior is that of someone having an affair, and not that of someone who feels sorry for me but has decided she plays for the other team.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2014
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, November 19th (Wednesday)


He's not gay. He has a fascination with dicks but doesn't find men attractive ... just their appendage.

My FWH has said the same thing. he is not attracted to the man..at all...except..that.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, November 19th (Wednesday)

Hi wmwb23. Weclome. Im so sorry you are dealing with this. If you can tell us more about your situation, maybe we can help you? At the very least, we understand.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
wmwb123
New Member
Member # 45672
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, November 19th (Wednesday)

Hi Confused,

I thought everything was fine. Then one day she just didn't come home from work. She told me she'd had enough and she was done. We had been holding hands the weekend before, and the night before we were laughing together. She didn't give me any specifics, but she blamed me for everything. A few weeks later, her reasons just didn't make sense, so I snooped and found text messages between her and the coworker "friend" she was staying with. I confronted her, she denied. A month later I exposed the affair, and two weeks after that she filed for divorce. She's refused to speak to me ever since. It's been three months now of pretty much no contact. We have mediation next month.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2014
PollyA
Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, November 20th (Thursday)

My h, too, says he's not gay. He had anonymous encounters with over 100 partners over 8 years, so he's definitely no sexual, but had never wanted a relationship with a man. This plays out in the emails I read between he and partners. Down and dirty communications.

I don't post much here because so many responders seemed to want to help me realize my husband must be gay I didn't want to start that kind of discussion.

I finally realized that the real problem is that for our entire relationship he's had a "me" instead of a "we" approach to our relationship. For 15 months of "recovery", he remains focused on himself. My brain understands it, but my heart and soul have are damaged by that. After his revelations throughout fall of 2013, then his"truth" in February 2014, I expected to be put first. Perhaps his issues are so deep he's unable to do it.

I just want to chime in on the msm issue. The other partners were less damaging than his continued disrespect and passive aggressive attacks on me.


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 131 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, November 20th (Thursday)

I don't post much here because so many responders seemed to want to help me realize my husband must be gay I didn't want to start that kind of discussion.


YES! That is one of the main reasons I don't post very often about my situation. I don't need anyone to tell me he might be gay. Hell, do they think I hadn't thought about that..like maybe a million times?? That THAT is my biggest fear?? They do not know my husband. I DO. Was I shocked on dday? Um..is ice cold? Lord, yes. And for awhile I wasn't sure what his sexuality was..despite what he was telling me..because...um he cheated with a MAN. But, it's been awhile since dday. We talk. A lot. I have gotten to know my husband like I've never known anyone. And I KNOW he is NOT gay. I am not in denial. I just know my husband better than anyone else here does.

The members here are great. I don't blame them for wanting to convince me he might be gay. I would be skeptical too. But I don't want to debate my husband's sexuality every time I post..you know?

Im sure this isn't the best thing to say, but when I read this...


He's not gay. He has a fascination with dicks but doesn't find men attractive ... just their appendage.

It made me happy...not because someone else is dealing with this..of course not! But,man, it's nice to read that some other WH has told his BW this..and she believes him, just as I believe my husband.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:03 AM, November 20th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, November 20th (Thursday)


but she blamed me for everything


This is typical of an unremorseful WS. Please know this is not your fault. Nothing you did, or didn't do, made her cheat. It's all about her. Something in her told her it was ok to do what she did.

How are you holding up? Have you been taking care of yourself? Eating,sleeping, surrounding yourself with supportive people?

I know I was in shock for the first 5 months. It was just so unbelievable. I remember looking at myself in the mirror, several times a day, and telling myself that he did this..he really did that.

Ugh. Im so sorry you are dealing with this. Are you in IC?

Do you have children with her? Or will you be able to maintain NC after the divorce?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
wmwb123
New Member
Member # 45672
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, November 20th (Thursday)

We don't have children, so we'll be able to maintain NC. I'm still in shock, but I'm okay. I was suicidal the first two months, but I don't blame myself anymore.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2014
Topic Posts: 418