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I Can Relate
User Topic: Multiple Affairs
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Please use this thread if you have personallyexperienced multiple affairs committed by your spouse/partner.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Her Blondeness
Member
Member # 8977
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I'll open the thread with the short version of my story. My ex had multiple affairs over the last seven years of our marriage while I was traveling for work. I was oblivious to it all until he began to get smug and sloppy, but even then I was in some pretty serious denial. I have never learned all the details of the affairs, but he told me some of the names, and I guessed several others.

What I will never understand is why ex insisted that I get pregnant at 40, 5 years into his adulterous, alcoholic lifestyle. We had lived childless, by choice, for almost 18 years of marriage at that point. My current theory is that on the December night he angrily threatened me if I didn't discontinue birth control, he had already made the decision to leave, but by having a baby, he could continue to control and manipulate me for life. Pretty sick plan, no?

I also wonder if he had some sort of misguided idea that if I got pregnant it would improve our marriage or somehow "make" him stop having affairs. Or even keep me so busy I'd never discover them. So many theories, but even he can't articulate why he did what he did. He's like our now four-year-old. "I don't know", "I just did" or his *imaginary friend* made him do it. .right.

Even though my dday was a long time ago, by SI standards. I still read and post mostly to help others and reassure them that there is a life after affairs and divorce.


D-day - a long time in the past
Today - happily living in the present and looking to the future

Posts: 621 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Land of Fruit and Nuts
wasfooled2
Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

My WH is a "multiple offender" too....but he doesn't think he is. He's been messing around with women online for years....many years. He gets into very sexually explicit discussions with anonymous women in private chat rooms, IMs, etc. It hurts like hell and has crushed my self esteem, but he doesn't see it as a problem. It's just "harmless" flirting.

We're now also going through the aftermath of a LT emotional affair with a woman he met back in 2005.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Oh man, another group I can join. H has confessed to a 5 year LTA and multiple paid partners - he admitted to over 3 dozen, probably more.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
wasfooled2
Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Weepy, what was worse for you? The short, "paid" incidents or the LTA?


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
Formykids
Member
Member # 12653
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I just want to jump in and say that my wh had multiple affairs too...

I am STILL trying to get over it and stop having feelings for him...


Behind every successful man is his woman, behind the fall of a successful man is the other woman!

Confront the most BRUTAL facts of your current situation, so you are able to come back from difficulties not weakened but stronger!


Posts: 1352 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Texas
Shanesmom
Member
Member # 13651
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I belong here, too. My WH had multiple affairs.
He had many online affairs. But the first PA that I'm aware of lasted about 10 months before I found out about it. And while he was with that OW he was also with a 2nd OW. Both of them he met on adultfriendfinder.com.
I know there are others... it's just that WH only admits to what he's busted on. He doesn't just come clean with anything. I don't know how many more there are and probably never will.


Me - BS 35
Him- WS 35
1 son, age 9
Married 9 yrs, together for 12
Dday 1/31/07
Divorced on 10/12/07

Never make anyone a priority who makes you only an option.


Posts: 566 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Denver, CO
incrisis
Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

My H had one LTA and about a dozen (according to him, wouldn't be surprised if the number was higher) other brief, strictly PA relationships while working away from home the last 4+ years.

It all came out in one big d-period starting this last fall, since which I don't think he's been W, but who the hell knows as he's still long distance.

I'm just trying to figure out which way is up.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
shenpa1
Member
Member # 11710
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I find myself here as well. My husband had multiple A's during the 5 years we lived together and throughout our entire marriage.

Her Blondeness, there seems to be no logic or rationale where addictions are concerned. Addicted people have this uncanny ability to
compartmentalize and to go to just about any lengths to keep the addiction intact.

My H went through the "I don't know" stage as well. This was just a place where he didn't have to accept any responsability for what he had done.

I often think "Wow, just 1-PA
you don't know how fortunate you are."


Me BS-49
H- WH-46
D-day #1 05/05 H Admits to PA #1
D-day #2 10/06 PA#2,3,4,&5 (ouch!)
Children: 3
Married 12 years



Posts: 396 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: CA
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

wasfooled: It's tough to say, some days it's the LTA, some days it's the pros. The LTA is the tough because she was a "real" person. They knew each other, had a routine, after 5 years she knew as much about my H's likes and dislikes in the bedroom as I do. Right after Dday, he dared to compare her "attitude" about sex with mine. Told me about her multiple Os and her seduction methods as reasons for it's length. The pros I can write off as strictly a warm body, but the expertise is tough, my sexual confidence was shattered by them.

And I've always said, I'd give anything for him to have had an anonymous ONS while drunk with some bar slut than anything else.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
HurtinCutie
Member
Member # 7798
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Multiple survivor here too. Each time he came forward to me about it and was remorseful. We basically swept things under the rug, however. Each confession felt like the rug was being pulled out from under me. I'm not saying I didn't have suspicions during the A's. I did!
However, I rationalized with "No, he wouldn't do that...there is no reason for that" and then "No, he wouldn't do that again". There weren't really any concrete problems in the M at the times of A. They were just times where H was overly stressed about life. They must have been a form of escape-ism. This last time, we have handled things much much differently.


That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.
Can you get to your future if your past is present?
~Carrie Bradshaw Sex and the City

Posts: 3889 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Canada
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I always try to find the good in everything. I know...pretty stupid of me.

The only good thing with all the FB's is that WS readily admits to only having serious feelings for one of them. The rest were pretty much vaginal masturbation.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6330 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
HurtinCutie
Member
Member # 7798
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

The rest were pretty much vaginal masturbation.
K9 - never heard it put that way before. Good one!!


That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.
Can you get to your future if your past is present?
~Carrie Bradshaw Sex and the City

Posts: 3889 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Canada
wifetoj77
Member
Member # 10781
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

BTDT as well! He began trying to hook up with women two weeks after our second child was born. He was stupid and gave the girl our home number. Luckily she was nice and didn't want anything to do with him after I told her we were married!!

Next was online cheating, I busted him, then found out two and a half months later he was doing video chat and blowing lots of money on it.

Then there was a girl in his battallion that would be out every single time he was out. When i would walk away she would be at his side. of course he stuck up for her. Turns out they worked together while on deployment. I'll bet they did!!

Next thing was he called me hysterical one morning and made up some huge elaborate story as to why his wedding band got lost and he didn't call home the night before like he normally did. Hmmm, why would he lie if he had only lost his ring?? His answer, he was scared i would get mad. I'm not stupid!!

Last was OW he had an EA with from dec 27th till april 16th.

I swept everything under the rug as soon as it happened but with this last one, it ALL came out!


Me- BS- 32
Him- WH- 35
M- 15 years
Dday Easter Morning April 16, 2006
6 kids
Back to square one

Posts: 1203 | Registered: May 2006 | From: NE USA
hurtinTX
Member
Member # 2185
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

My XH had multiple affairs...

There is a 3rd name in there but I only know for sure of the first 2.

The disgusting part was that OW#2 worked with OW#1. They were "Friends" and OW#2 was having an affair on HER husband with another guy, lets call him guy B. So when things started to fall apart for OW#1 and my WH when I found out (WHILE PREGNANT with our first child) and guy B started cooling things off with OW#2 because his WIFE was getting suspicious- that's when OW#2 started sleeping with my WH, again before our son was born. The OW knew each other and it overlapped a bit there. It was completely disgusting. The worse part was seeing the email where my WH BEGS OW#2 to choose him over GUY B who is cheating on his wife. Talk about pathetic.

OW #1 thought she was something else getting a married man to leave his pregnant wife AND buy her a ton of gifts and OW#2 thought she was God's gift to men when she had GUY B, her husband (who wanted her back) and my WH after her. What a witch.

I heard a third name in there sometime and I believe OW#2 wasn't too thrilled about it.

At this point, I don't care to know the entire story. Just glad I'm out and one OW was more than enough to tell me it was OVER.

I'll never forget the day my church sunday school class moved me out of the house when I was 8 months pregnant and 2 more women (young girls) walked up on my porch and asked if WH was moving. They had no idea I was his wife or he had a wife. He was busy.


Me BW:24 (me 5 mos Pregnant)
WXH:24 D-day July 20th 2003
OW#1 33, MOW#2 43
WH filed for divorce Sept 2003
Had DS Oct 2003
Divorce Aug 30, 2004
Met SO. DD born Jan 5, 2007 w/SO!
DS born May 28, 2008 w/SO!
Married SO Nov 5, 2008!!! HAPPY!

Posts: 1927 | Registered: Sep 2003 | From: Texas
Hollow Inside
Member
Member # 13123
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

Count me in.

I found out about one OW, then I uncovered two more, THEN I found out that my STBXH was actually seeing all three at one point last November. When I discovered that he promised two of them that he would leave his family to take care of them, I knew that was defintely the end.

Actually, the multiple affair thing made it MUCH easier for me to decide to file for D.


~~Divorcing~~
"Let the games begin...!!"

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Illinois
DownNotOut
Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday)

I'll join in.

WH had 17 OW ranging from ONS to LTA.

There may have been more "online" activity but I don't know about it.

Anyone wants to ask questions, go right ahead. I'm an open book at this point.


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
BelleStar
Member
Member # 13515
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)

My BF had multiple affairs both EA and PA. He still doesn't think he did anything wrong!!!????

This is the same guy who told me today on our way in to work that Anna Nicole must have been a real S**T to have so many guys claim her kid is their kid. And to quote him " what kind of whore would have fucked 10 guys in one year?"
I'm like WTF? You fucked over 25 different girls in one year and that's OK like you're not a slut, whore? Talk about double standards!


Posts: 1106 | Registered: Feb 2007
brokenwings
Member
Member # 10333
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

I am here too!

My WH has been caught out 5 times with inappropriate behaviour such as texting asking for sex or other things. He was only caught out once when I was told by OWH that a physical affair was going on but I believe that the others were probably more than 'just friends'. We are separated, I dont hold out much hope this time for R. I deserve better, no matter how scary it is. At the moment I find it hard to cut my emotional feelings for him but I haveto find peace.


baby steps in all this, the only way.

Peace and healing is what I look for and what I wish for you.


Posts: 645 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: somewhere south of equator
IndianGiver
Member
Member # 6056
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)

Here is my group!

Its so hard to sum up my WH's activities. While we were in MC, he admitted that the first time he was married he was never faithful, not one single month out of the entire 16 year marriage. He admitted to one ONS, the rest were all LTA with multiple people. When he and I started dating, unknown to me, he was seeing OW#1 for 7 years (but swears he dumped her for me). I found out about her before we married, so I was dumb to the rest. He was "dating" another 3 women. Then after we were married there was OW#2 which I only can confirm personally for 6 months (via a paging program found on our home PC), but I have friends who were also OW#2 and WH's coworker who says it was YEARS long, and then OW#3 he swears was a one time thing...but I don't think so. They acted all to lovey lovey for the 5 years he worked with her. I still have no idea who gave him the STD, these ladies all tested negative.

Sad. Really really sad.


Posts: 159 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: New York
brokenwings
Member
Member # 10333
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 5th (Thursday)

I was wondering how many of us are separated or divorced now?

We are separated and I am still struggling as i did throughout this mess to accept what he really is....I have made one step by separating and cutting all contact except by phone.

Did anyone else have the same struggle to face reality? Just wondering....


baby steps in all this, the only way.

Peace and healing is what I look for and what I wish for you.


Posts: 645 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: somewhere south of equator
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 6th (Friday)

Dealing with numbers I have, there's no choice for me but to look at his activities as "the affair period". Maybe it's compartmentalization on my part, maybe it's the only thing keeping me sane, going into a little bit of denial I guess.

I remember talking to one of H's cousins whose marriage had just broken up. She was going on and on about how she'd uncovered 5 APs, and her reaction was one of total incredulity. All I could think of "Man, I could handle if it was 5, how do you handle 50?"

Well, you handle it by making it two separate entitities, his hookers (the 50) and the LTAP. So I'm still multiple, but it keeps me from throwing up every day.

Staying married to him is the toughest challenge I've ever undertaken. Sometimes I don't think I'm strong enough to do it. Separation and divorce run through my mind now and again, just haven't made the step yet.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
brokenwings
Member
Member # 10333
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

Weepy,

Good on for you for sticking it out, as long as your FWH is doing the work too. I just couldnt handle it any longer but find it hard to move on, its as though he has some spell over me and I am fighting to break it.


baby steps in all this, the only way.

Peace and healing is what I look for and what I wish for you.


Posts: 645 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: somewhere south of equator
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

I belong here, too... STBX had several EAs, but thinks they don't count because he didn't have sex with them. He had one PA and one he won't cop to but I'm convinced was more than he's admitted to. All of this occured over a six-year period.

We're currently living apart with the exception of one or two days a week (long story). He wants to R. I want out.

That pretty much sums it up.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15280 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Just a Cali girl
NoTurningBack
Member
Member # 11984
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

My X had 3 affairs that he will admit to. One was 4-1/2 years, one 2-1/2 years and one 2 years. I have heard there were many others going back to the beginning of our marriage. It got so ridiculous I finally told people I didn't want to hear anymore. I knew enough.

As you can see, we are divorced. I didn't waste anytime. I had to file so my kids and I would be ok financially. I am not sorry I divorced him. I am sure in time more and more of his activities will come out.

I am having difficulty dealing with all of it. I still feel like I love him and cannot figure out why in the world I feel that way. I am hoping in time to reach indifference toward him.


Me BS (50)
Him XH (48)
T 24 years
M 23-1/2 years
2 Wonderful Sons (22 & 19)
D-Day 9/2/06
Filed for D 9/7/06
Divorce final 10/23/06

Posts: 189 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Arkansas
brokenwings
Member
Member # 10333
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

This is what I am struggling with, how do you stop loving them after everyhting we have been subjected to trying to cope with MA? Should we not automatically hate them for this repeated betrayal and emotional battering?


baby steps in all this, the only way.

Peace and healing is what I look for and what I wish for you.


Posts: 645 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: somewhere south of equator
singintheblues
Member
Member # 12897
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

My WH has admitted to at least 5 As over the past 17 years of marriage. Like brokenwings, I am still hanging on and probably living in denial a bit. We are separated, but because we have 3 young kids, we see each other all the time.

Although I see him for what he is, I also see a very confused individual. He has compartmentalized his whole life, thanks to a very dysfunctional upbringing. Lots and lots of counseling and reading have helped me empathize with his situation a bit -- this is the first time he's ever faced the fact that his past has affected his present.

However, now that we both know what we know, I told him that he can't use it as an excuse anymore. It's time for him to be a grown-up and make some choices -- no more double life!

Honestly, he tells me that he's not sure if he can do that, and he'll only ask to return to our home if he knows he can. I'm not sure I even want him back at this point, although I do miss him dearly (does that make any sense?)

Until then, I have learned to try and worry only about the things I can control -- me and the kids -- and stop trying to change him. He's got to worry about that! Easier said than done, I know, but that's where I am right now.


Me - 45
WH - 47
Married 21 years

Multiple D Days: Still reconciling after all this time!
3 children
Reconciling after 1 D Day that revealed multiple affairs. So far, so good.


Posts: 129 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Ohio
dancin-gal
New Member
Member # 6814
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

married 38 yrs., H had many A's and ONS'S for over 33 yrs.
first D-day-23 yrs. ago H told me he had an STD...forgave him too fast...many lies. 4 1/2 yrs. ago D-day 2 H asked for MC...I agreed he has been a changed person...actions speak louder than words ...his actions have been positive and loving ..even 4 1/2 yrs later. tomorrow is our 38th anniversary and he ordered many vases of flowers for me telling me how much he loves me...loving action.:)

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2005
verythankful
Member
Member # 8958
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

I belong here too. My wh has had three A's. We have been married 22 years and the first one was after 7 years married and A #2 was after 11 years, a ONS in year 13 and then A#3 in year 19.

We never dealt with any until now. I left for 6 weeks after A #1 and returned. It has been a long haul and I am finally to a place where if there are anymore then I will be kicking his butt to the curb.

I am proud of my strength and courage and see myself as a woman of grace.


Me bs
Him ws
Married 22 years
dday's 2/27/05 & 3/1/06
Working on R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: CA
verythankful
Member
Member # 8958
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, April 7th (Saturday)

I wonder if I will ever trust him again? I wonder if I will ever let him fully back into my life?

Anyone feel the same? Advice?


Me bs
Him ws
Married 22 years
dday's 2/27/05 & 3/1/06
Working on R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: CA
tomswife
Member
Member # 6369
Content  Posted: 1:29 AM, April 10th (Tuesday)

I am more than 2 years past D-day, and in the process of divorcing. When I first found SI, there were not many posts that I could relate to. Congrats to SI for creating the “I Can Relate” forum!!! I usually don’t post, and only visit SI occasionally, but I just had to post something to this forum for all those who feel like they are the only one who has such a messed up story.

After 15 years of marriage, I found out that my STBXH had at least 20 ONS. Some hookers, but mostly bar sluts and co-worker sluts. I had no idea, but PLENTY of red flags. He is also an alcoholic, so I assumed that when he “passed out”, he really did pass out. Wrong. I didn’t find out all at once, but within about 2 months (5 here, another 3 there, oh, and a hooker here, and there, etc.) I can barely remember the first year or so after D-Day, but I got stronger day by day. My STBXH on the other hand, decided that he was so depressed by what he had done, that he couldn’t work, nor could he show me any action on his part to make up for anything. But he wanted to R and gave me all the talk about how sorry he was, and how guilty he felt, etc. I didn’t know what the hell I wanted but he made it easy for me by not doing a damn thing, literally…he laid in bed for a year while I worked.

So for the past two years, I have been working on bettering myself, getting strong. My STBXH wants to R, still. I want out. I deserve so much more than he could ever give me. And he is still making it easy for me. He is now in jail for is 3rd convicted DUI. What a relief! My only concern now, as in the past, has all come down to money. Hindsight is 20/20. I should have divorced him 2 years ago, but wanted to wait until he was better (after playing the victim). I am way too nice. I really need to stop being nice. I am worried that when he gets out, he won’t have anywhere to go. So I’m using this time of peace to enjoy but also to build my strength so that I can shield myself from him.

Anyway, I am so tired, but wanted to get this posted. This is a very, very short summary, but wanted to put myself out there in case I could be of any help to someone who has just started going through this. I know I couldn’t read enough that first year.


Me - 33
H - 34
2 awesome kids B-13 G-6
Married 14 years together since we were 15.
D-Day - 1/13/05 - "whole truth" 2/9/05 - multiple ONS - maybe the real "whole truth", who knows.
3/19/05 - another "whole truth" 2 more ad

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: California
mlpw62
Member
Member # 12579
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, April 10th (Tuesday)

I still have a hard time believing that I belong here. After I caught my H in his last (and most serious) affair, I finally got it out of him (slowly, over 7 months) that he has been unfaithful at least 6 times during our marriage. The first was when we had only been married for 1-1/2 years with a 6-month old baby at home. Who knows if I know about them all? I will never know. I found out there is a saying in the military, "what goes TDY, stays TDY." Wish I had knew that sooner, maybe I would have been watching out. I have thought about seperation, mainly to see if I can wrap my brain around all of this, and maybe he would really see what he almost ruined, more than once. But, trying to reconcile. Sometimes i am optomistic.


BS (me) 50 WS 49
Three children, 22, 12, and 10
Married for almost 24 years.
Dday #1- June 19, 2006
Dday #2- Aug. 1, 2006 (found out they were still in contact)

Posts: 136 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Montana
beadmaggie
Member
Member # 11925
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)

I can relate - FWH had 2 affairs with 2 different women. One was a "series of ONSs" with a so-called friend, the other an EA/PA/midlife crisis. I'm not sure which one is worse, to be honest, because we're still dealing with the fallout, but at the moment the first one is skeeving me out a bit more.


Me - BS, 55
Him - FWH, 55
Married 32 yrs, 2 children
D-day #1 - Dec. 14, 2000 (OW#1 - "friend with benefits")
D-day #2 - May 31, 2005 (OW#2 - EA/PA)
D-day #3 - Sept 19, 2005 (OW#2)
R'ed

Posts: 2305 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: NJ
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, April 13th (Friday)

I guess those of us dealing with multiple As are a minority....not too many posts here.

I was just thinking today that I hope I am not an idiot for staying. Is there something wrong with us for still loving our WS and staying after they have betrayed us so much???

[This message edited by cleo at 7:22 PM, April 13th (Friday)]


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
speedreaux
Member
Member # 12460
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 13th (Friday)

I guess those of us dealing with multiple As are a minority....not too many posts here.
after one, if you have stayed what does it matter the number? WW has had 3 confessed to, 1 not confessed but seriously covered up, and at least a couple EA's that didn't (as far as I know) take root and grow to PA. I am here.......because........sometimes i'm not sure either. When does another shoe drop....


where there's a will, a way
where there's a wheel,a flat

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: texas
brokenwings
Member
Member # 10333
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, April 16th (Monday)

I think that we all live our lives differently, I dont think there is one right or wrong thing when it comes to staying or going, I guess it is up to the couple.

I have left, the right thing for me i guess, although I am fighting the emotional dependence on him every day. I still love him, but for me it just was destroying me to stay.


baby steps in all this, the only way.

Peace and healing is what I look for and what I wish for you.


Posts: 645 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: somewhere south of equator
incrisis
Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, April 16th (Monday)

It's definitely an individual decision, depending on what you can accept and whether you feel you have sufficient other reason to stay with your WS.

There also appears to be some here with multiple affairs with multiple ddays, and then those with multiple affairs but only 1 dday (so far) for all of them. The latter is my situation, so I see it as giving my WS a "second chance" since he kind of got all his "charges" lumped in together under one umbrella case. If it got to the point of multiple ddays with new activity, then I think I would need to move on for my own mental health.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
miadianna
Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, April 16th (Monday)

How do you ever find out exactly how many when you are never allowed to talk about or ask any questions?

How do ever live the rest of your life never really knowing the truth or any shred of the truth? He would never talk to me.

I'm sure my STBXH had multiple affairs based on what evidence I did find on my own, but he has never admitted to anything. The first OW he was involved in was a co-worker in 1994 and I caught him on the home phone. He said he just talked to her, but based on the events that occurred that year and afterwards, I know it continued and I have to believe it was more than that based on the intensity and obsessive nature of it. I have found signs over the years since then of other inappropriate relationships with women, but he never confessed to anything.

He works out of town Monday-Friday, so he always had plenty of opportunity to do whatever he pleased without anyone finding out. He could live a double life without a problem. He was staying in hotel rooms during the week for most of marriage. Too easy for someone with his addictive personality. He used to brag about everyone going to strip clubs after work and getting drunk all the time. Our marriage was damaged so greatly from the first EA/PA? since he never took any responsibility for the affair at all.

To this day, he still hasn't told me that the reason he left is because of his current affair. I found out everything on my own. I don't know how or where he met her, although I am 100% positive it was on a job he was working in 2003-2004.

I wonder if I'm better off never knowing exactly how many, because I obsess about it as it is and any more knowledge would probably destroy me at this point. I expect the worst.

[This message edited by miadianna at 1:29 AM, April 16th (Monday)]


Me: BS 52
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 24 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7390 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
brokenwings
Member
Member # 10333
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, April 16th (Monday)

(((miadianna)))

I dont believe you ever find out the real truth, never. That is part of the reason why I too left.

Well, at least in my case I still uncover lies after 2 months of separation....no reason for him to lie now but he does anyway.


baby steps in all this, the only way.

Peace and healing is what I look for and what I wish for you.


Posts: 645 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: somewhere south of equator
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, April 16th (Monday)

Since my H was a consumate minimizer, I have chosen to believe the worst. Since he "can't" confirm any of what he says, he allows me to assume whatever I want in relation to the number of women he was with during that period.

Heck he still argues about the number of YEARS.

Like incrisis, I have had to lump all of them into a group, or groupings. The LTA stands alone as one issue. The first prositute is another. And all the others are wrapped up into one gigantic group. Because most of them were hookers, I can do that because he could do that. They were never individuals to him, says he never "repeated" or if he did, it was unintentional. The first experience he seems to be able to recount with a horrifying clarity, so that's why that stands separately.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Her Blondeness
Member
Member # 8977
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, April 16th (Monday)

Miadianna wrote:

>>How do you ever find out exactly how many when you are never allowed to talk about or ask any questions?
How do ever live the rest of your life never really knowing the truth or any shred of the truth? He would never talk to me. <<

I'll never know the full number, really. I know concretely of a few, guessed at a few more and will never know the full truth -- especially since WS rarely tell the truth, KWIM?

Now almost 5 years out, I just tell myself he had lots of girlfriends for lots of years. I'm not sure exactly when he started - I guess around 15 to 17 years into our marriage, when I began to travel regularly for work. But knowing anything more now wouldn't change anything as we are long divorced. Also, I no longer run in that circle of sub-humans that he called friends as I don't hang out in bars and drink until they close. So, I don't even see any of those people and have to wonder if any of them were affair partners. Since our lives are on such different tracks now and the only connection we have is DS, it doesn't matter anymore.


D-day - a long time in the past
Today - happily living in the present and looking to the future

Posts: 621 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Land of Fruit and Nuts
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, April 16th (Monday)

It takes such a strong person to stay and deal with all this crap.

Outsiders will/may think we are the weak and stupid ones.

But they will never know or understand the depth of strength or how big our hearts are to be willing to stick it out with our serial cheater.

However....the line is drawn in the sand at my house. If he croseses it, he will just have to keep walking. I have too much self respect to stay with someone who will cheat on me again.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6330 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Her Blondeness
Member
Member # 8977
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, April 18th (Wednesday)

If ex had been even the tiniest bit repentant, or gotten himself into IC, quit lying to the MC or any of those things, I would've stayed longer than a year. But when I finally got strong enough to draw that line - once more and you're history, buddy - X just had to cross it. I guess he was doing me a favor of sorts as it made the decision easier, but nothing is more disgusting than hearing your STBX having phone sex while you're packing to move.


D-day - a long time in the past
Today - happily living in the present and looking to the future

Posts: 621 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Land of Fruit and Nuts
idealist
Member
Member # 9462
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 19th (Thursday)

If I am not mistaken, I am the first male to post here.

I'm sorry that we are all here. I imagine we probably share some of the same personal characteristics that kept us from fleeing.

I look forward to your insights and helping as much as I can.


Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.

Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Southern California
lilbebe
Member
Member # 12335
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, April 20th (Friday)

Im here also.. my husband has had I guess 3 affairs one which was PA. He says he is *recovered* now.. (rolls eyes ) I don't really think so.. but even if he is.. the damage runs deep and things will never be the same.


Me BS 41
Him WS 41
S 19
D 18
Married 20 years

DD #1 Feb 2002 then several more follow....


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: CA
howsad
Member
Member # 14381
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, April 26th (Thursday)

Count me in
My WH had at least 9 affairs that I can prove there are more I just cant prove it so if I cant prove it, it must not have happened according to him.It really sucks not knowing the truth it really eats you alive somedays. Rat Bastard!

Posts: 52 | Registered: Apr 2007
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 26th (Thursday)

How many BS out there are successfully reconciling after discovery of multiple As -

I was able to process the first A and move on but am having a hard time now at learning of a total of 5 As over 10 years.

My FWH is in IC and just started a 12 step program (he has a lying problem amongst others!) He is working on himself, but I fear I am too far gone at this point, too much hurt and lack of trust.

If you found a way to deal with it successfully I would love to hear.

[This message edited by cleo at 4:04 PM, April 26th (Thursday)]


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
not_a_martyr
Member
Member # 9518
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, April 27th (Friday)

Wow, I fit here, too. I wish I could be more excited about that.

My H had over 12 EA's (online, phone sex, ex-gf's, colleagues, you name it!) over the course of 18 mths, beginning 6 mths in to our marriage. And those are only the ones I'm aware of and have confronted. With the exception of two, they were all terribly naive little girls (single) who thought they'd met the man of their dreams. It was sad to have to shatter that for them, but I am actually pretty proud of each of them (the OW's) that once they found out he was married they went away. Oddly, he never chased any of them. In our 1 MC session, he explained that they didn't matter, he didn't miss them, and someone else would come along if he was feeling needy again.

Our situation got more complicated in that after his final d-day, I completely detached from him and had my own EA. (If that makes me unwelcome here, please just say so.) What we deal with now is that he thinks my EA completely erases all of his transgressions. I don't entirely disagree with this because to me, cheating is cheating and it was all wrong. The good news is that we both do "own our shit" and don't blame the other for our bad choices.


me: 40
him: 38
us: in R


Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Texas
tputer
Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, April 30th (Monday)

Hi guys. This is my first post to this thread. Never thought I'd have to be here. Just had DDay #3 yesterday: 2 more disclosures. This makes four she has admitted to know. She claims the last one was in 1995. But how the hell do I know? Seems she is very challenged when it comes to telling the truth.

Anyway, just wanted to say hello. My heart goes out to all of you


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
KickedInTheHead
Member
Member # 14367
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday)

WW had an EA with one man from 10/06 until 12/06 then a PA with another man from 12/06 until 4/07. Finally came back down to earth but holy cr*p how much can one man take??

[This message edited by KickedInTheHead at 6:49 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me BH 42
Her FWW 36 (SlowlyDying)
Kids 15,13,11,8
D-Day 1-31-07
Married almost 15 years

Reconciled...forgiving is relatively easy but forgetting is impossible


Posts: 341 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Arizona
shenpa1
Member
Member # 11710
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday)

Hey gal's and guy's. I belong here as well. For me it's a relief to have all this out in the open. H and I can actually talk about all the PA's and EA's without too much emotion. That doesn't mean that I don't still get emotional. But, I will give myself one massive pat on the back for the progress that I have made in the past 2 years.

I believe that H has been as truthful as he possibly can at this moment. He attends SLA meetings on a regular basis and I'm sure new memories will surface as he continues the healing journey.

For myself, I'm doing well with my healing and have forgiven H. I'm currently working on forgetting that I have forgiven and keeping my positive emotions/feelings intact on a minute by minute day to day basis.

Reconcilation is possible. H and I are well on our way


Me BS-49
H- WH-46
D-day #1 05/05 H Admits to PA #1
D-day #2 10/06 PA#2,3,4,&5 (ouch!)
Children: 3
Married 12 years



Posts: 396 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: CA
shenpa1
Member
Member # 11710
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday)


Did it again...double post

[This message edited by shenpa1 at 12:03 AM, May 3rd (Thursday)]


Me BS-49
H- WH-46
D-day #1 05/05 H Admits to PA #1
D-day #2 10/06 PA#2,3,4,&5 (ouch!)
Children: 3
Married 12 years



Posts: 396 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: CA
LucyBlue
Member
Member # 9785
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 3rd (Thursday)

I too belong here....double digits that include three friends.

But things are going great, it hurts that I didn’t have the marriage I have now the whole time. I finally am married to the man I thought I married.


Posts: 197 | Registered: Feb 2006
hibou
Member
Member # 6025
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, May 4th (Friday)

Mmmmm, lot of us here eh!

My first husband had an affair when I was 5 months pregnant. We parted soon after that and i became a single mum to an unborn and a 14 month old. Fast forward to 7 years after that. New partner (never quite trusted anybody fully after that so i never re-married), he moved in so we could start a family and once more, during my pregnancy he had an affair (as i found out 6 years leter when I uncovered his second and third affairs....). Its all too yucky to waste any more time on it.
Fast forward again to another partner - this time I do trust him (he has also been a BS) and we have a rule "infidelity = anything you do or say that you wouldn't do or say if your partner was stood right by your side" At the first sign of any wavering from this rule its curtains!!!! But we both know that so we have choice (not obligations).
I often wondered if I did anything or behaved in a way that made my first two partners cheat?


Loving life again after a period in exile.

Posts: 186 | Registered: Dec 2004
tputer
Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 5th (Saturday)

hibou, you did nothing to cause them to cheat. But I do think it's possible that we are drawn to flawed people who are more prone to infidelity. In my case, I've been cheated on in every significant relationship I've ever been in. I don't think that says anything about me, but it sure speaks volumes as to the type of people I'm attracted to.


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
woundedgirl
Member
Member # 6846
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, May 6th (Sunday)

hi ya'll (waves)
I belong here too!
My WS has has 2 Affairs.
Both resulted in OC. While we seperated he lived with the OW#1.

We're trying to reconcile and WS has done a complete 180 so far. We are still struggling here and there and the rollercaoster is just beggining now that everything is out in the open and both women know its over.

Its very difficult to trust him, but we're trying to work on it and etc.

It hurts very much that someone has cheated more than once. A lot of people think that if you stay with a WS who's had multiple of LTA that makes you weak, I just think you have to walk in someone's shoes before you make judgements like that.


ME- BS 28 HIM- XH 29
8 Y.O. DD Married for over 4 years
1st D-Day 1/1/05- WS & OW#1
1st OC Born 11/12/05 (with OW#1)
2nd OC born in 07/06 (with OW#2)
3rd C born in 06/09 (with OW#2)
Divorced- 4/2008
Engaged to SO- 2/14/2010
Married SO -2/28/1

Posts: 1433 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Pennsylvania
LLady8
Member
Member # 10284
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, May 7th (Monday)

Hate to be part of this group, but here I am.
Gary Zukav writes some very enlightening ideas on sex and addictive sex. One of his books I recently read is called "The Heart of the Soul". He wrote a chapter about sex and addictive sex. He describes it as weakness drawn to weakness... That these are individuals who feel powerless, frightened and unwanted and that they look for targets like themselves to have sex with. They are using one another to create relief of their painful emotions and that they use one another to feel worthy. I think that there are various degrees of sex addictions, and multiple affairs may not always be an indicator of addiction, But they may be an indicator of some internal, deeper personal issues that is totally independent of one's marriage. I have recently come to realize that with each affair, WH may have justified his A's by our marital discord, but in reality, how could we have had a truly good marriage when he was living his secret, double life. How can a person truly put any honest commitment into his marriage, when he is putting energy into people outside his marriage?
Anybody else read any Gary Zukav and was it helpful for you? His words have been very powerful and enlightening to me in dealing with all of this.


BW - me; WH - him
In R since first dday

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
croman
Member
Member # 11995
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, May 7th (Monday)

I meant to sign up to this group back in April but I guess the kids took me off the computer.
Anyway, sadly I belong to this group, but I know I am in good company.

R has been very rough. The rollercoaster has calm down a bit but I am still very resentful and GOD knows I can not say " I love you" to him, not even on text. The words just won't come out. I know deep down I do because there is no other explanation for putting up with this pain, but this has to be the hardest thing I have ever done.

The biggest trigger I have been having for the past months or so is that I still think about all these women and I know that they don't know who I am or what they have done to my life and my family. Also the 2 that I confronted and avoided me, have new "boyfriends" and are all happy, while I still suffer over what they did or didn't do with my husband.


Married 6, together 8
Me: BS 37
Him : WH 30.. ihatemyself
3 girls - 11, 6 & 2
D-Day 7/17/06.
continued 8/2/06, complete truth of 6 years of deception 09/17/06.

"Role playing is so much fun!" THEN PLAY DEAD!


Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: new york
LostandWidowed
Member
Member # 10743
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, May 9th (Wednesday)

LLady8 wrote "I have recently come to realize that with each affair, WH may have justified his A's by our marital discord, but in reality, how could we have had a truly good marriage when he was living his secret, double life. How can a person truly put any honest commitment into his marriage, when he is putting energy into people outside his marriage?"

Amen to that! Thats what really pisses me off - we could have had a great marriage if the amount of effort he put into having and covering his double life was put into our marriage.


A double minded man is unstable in ALL his ways. James 1:8

Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2006
tputer
Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, May 9th (Wednesday)

What hurts me so much is that we have been married 22 years; FWW began her ONS's 5 years into the marriage. I told her last night "thank you for holding out 5 years. I know it must have been tough for you". She continued doing this crap for 5 more years - that is a big chunk of memories that have been forever tainted .


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
MarieD
Member
Member # 14450
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 10th (Thursday)

I'm only borderline membership here, but...

I found emails from WH to a college girl a couple years after we were married. She was fawning over him, letting her "teach" him how to be a sexual person (she'd had a sheltered life until leaving home for college). Oh, did that puff WH up. I don't think they ever did anything physical, just heavy, heavy flirting.

He found another college girl a few years later who also fawned over him (he LOVES that, and his personality just attracts them). I strongly believe they had a PA. H says no sex, but he agreed when I said "it was everything but". I still consider that an A.

Several others I think he had EAs with....heavy flirting, cyber sex, telling them all about how awful I was in the bedroom.

This last A was definitely a PA...the most serious of the bunch.

This time I'm confronting him and we're dealing with it openly (in the past I've simply documented the A and waited it out). This is the last time I'm accepting an A.

If there is another incident, he's out.


Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2007
socky1966
Member
Member # 12173
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, May 10th (Thursday)

Hi everyone

Not sure if I really should be here - not sure where I should be - my H didnt have "affairs" - he paid for sex with hookers multiple times

We are 9 months on and have had some MC and both had IC - he is continuing with IC.

He is remorseful - he is doing everything within his power to repair the damage he has done. He is being loving, caring, - doing everything he should be. I know he doesnt want to lose me or the family we have made together

He had opportunity overnighting on work related trips and had a "bit of fun" "lived out a fantasy" got some sleezy hooker (although he went for the high class ones - only the best) to dress up for him and fulfill his fantasies.

We have been to hell and back but we do love each other and we want our M to work.

The first 6 months were pure hell - i dont know how i functioned. It is getting better - as silly as it sounds we are a lot closer now than we were over the last few years. This has opened both our eyes to problems within the M.

I am having a tough time at the moment - just going back over and over and like everyone here - wondering have i got the whole truth. I know deep in my heart i havent - and i doubt i ever will. So am I in denial a little. Hell yes.

Anyway I feel like i have rambled now

This forum has been a godsend for me - just to know there are others going through the same emotions as me and knowing it is normal to be feeling the way i do

We are strong women and we will get through this


Posts: 594 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: australia
debbiedowner
New Member
Member # 14349
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, May 11th (Friday)

I’m relieved to find this topic. My SO and I have been together over 3 years, married by all standards (except the paper), and had a very strong, loving, respectful relationship - or at least I thought. I recently found out about multiple affairs - 3 PAs and 5 others that were not physical but just mostly him emotionally manipulating weak women-friends.

My SO is very remorseful. he had never been caught before, by me or his previous SOs, and after a 4-day-long D-Day he finally confessed all, including As I could have never discovered, plus other As in his past relationships. I don’t much wonder if I got the whole truth, b/c I definitely got enough. He then flew home to his family and confessed everything to them, immediately started IC, and has owned up to all our mutual friends about what he had been doing. He says he want to fix himself, he doesn't want to live like this anymore, he'll do whatever it takes for himself, even if we can't be together again. But he desperately wants to do MC with me and try to work it out.

I'm still struggling with the idea of R. To be able to forgive and be able to move past MAs takes an extraordinary amount of strength...even though some will say only the weak ones reconcile, that is absolute bulls**t, IMHO. I would give anything to have had it been “just” a ONS.

I still love him and I know what he was doing had nothing to do with me. I believe he still loves me and I think he is sincere about wanting to "break the mold" and be a different/better person. But I have to be skeptical, to protect myself. I don’t know if it’s even possible for someone like him to change. But more than that, I know I cannot control anything he does, all I can do is decide if I am strong enough to stick with it, be able to forgive him and someday trust him again. I just don’t know yet if I have the strength – this is what I am trying to work thru now.

Anyway, its nice to read about others' experiences with similar situations - thanks.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2007
pena
Member
Member # 6468
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, May 11th (Friday)

But, does anyone know why? Why so many?


Dday: Feb.4/05
Me: BS 46
Him: WS 51

Posts: 112 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: california
MarieD
Member
Member # 14450
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, May 13th (Sunday)

But, does anyone know why? Why so many?

In my particular case, I think he got braver with every OW. The first wasn't a PA, and not even an EA probably...just the thrill of getting a young girl interested in sex. The second was a PA, but he insists they never had sex (I have no reason to believe that, but if it's true it matches my theory).

I knew about both, but chose to handle it without confronting him. That, in hindsight, was my biggest mistake. He thought he got away with the As, so when he found this willing OW he didn't hesitate.

If I hadn't caught this one, or if I hadn't confronted it, I'm positive there would have been others.


Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2007
wantmore
Member
Member # 5939
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 13th (Sunday)

Interesting.

I knew about both, but chose to handle it without confronting him. That, in hindsight, was my biggest mistake. He thought he got away with the As, so when he found this willing OW he didn't hesitate.

If I hadn't caught this one, or if I hadn't confronted it, I'm positive there would have been others.

In my case I knew something was wrong in my marriage, but thought his sexual problems were caused by his alcoholism, not by having another woman. And I chose to not confront that. And mine, too, got bolder and bolder since I didn't catch on to him. His head was up his ass, but mine was buried in the sand. More sanitary but still uncomfortable.


Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Of course it helps to know you *have* enemies.

Posts: 2887 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Florida
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, May 13th (Sunday)

But, does anyone know why? Why so many?

I can only conclude my H is SA, sick. We're talking real multiples here. But the scary part is they were all similar (mostly hookers) in appearance and "attitude". I'm nothing like any of them. He still "visits" his preferred 'type' through porn and it tears me up inside every time. Knowing I'm not what he truly desires.

He loves me, just doesn't desire me. It's painfully obvious since I've gained back half the weight I lost, the desire on his part has nosedived.

If I don't physcially meet the requirements, who's to say he won't seek that out again?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
singintheblues
Member
Member # 12897
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, May 17th (Thursday)

I don't think any of us who decide to stay after finding out about multiple affairs are weak (of course not, since I am still fighting hard to save my marriage, right?) In my opinion, it's all about choices. I have invested over 20 years of my life with this man, and I knew he wasn't perfect -- while I didn't know how deep his demons went until our last D Day, I do see him confronting them and trying to work out his own "shit." It's debatable whether he's an actual sex addict, but clear that he is dealing with some type of addiction -- he has some need to feel attractive and adored by other women. Where this need comes from is way too complicated for a message here, but I do accept the fact that his childhood plays a huge part. Although it's an explanation, not an excuse, I do empathize with him on some level -- he is in a great deal of pain, as am I. If he can continue working through that pain and trying to become a better person, I can be patient and try to stay married to him, despite all the hurt he's caused. When I see him giving up, that's when I'll reconsider. For now, I'm hanging on!


Me - 45
WH - 47
Married 21 years

Multiple D Days: Still reconciling after all this time!
3 children
Reconciling after 1 D Day that revealed multiple affairs. So far, so good.


Posts: 129 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Ohio
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)

Why so many?

WS didn't even realize HOW many until he had to write them all down. This guy can compartmentalize with the best of them.

As to the big WHY?

WS says that he wanted to be special to the FB's. He felt that by consenting to having sex with him, they thought he was "special" and felt something for him.

JMO here....but WS is an only child. Father was there but was "absent". WS was short and not popular. So he was constantly seeking affirmation. The FB's were a way for him to get affirmation that he was somebody.

His other answer to why so many was that he thought he was slick and was getting away with it. He won't admit to it, but I think he was notching his gunbelt or filling in a checklist. OK...so getting busted 7 times didn't make a lasting impression with him.

It's hard living with someone who didn't care enough about you to a)quit cheating on you, or b)tell the truth and get a divorce.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6330 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
blindfaith
Member
Member # 11151
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday)

I guess this is the closest forum that fits me.

My situation is really twisted! I found an email account and he confessed to an EA with a co-worker. I didn't believe that it was only EA, and pushed and snooped and he finally confessed to PA 5 months later.

I still had a nagging feeling that he was lying and kept us from moving on. Finally, another 6 months, and he confessed to 4 more OW's. 3 of them being 9 years ago.

I still didn't feel right and have always thought he was a little over the edge sexually, and he confesses to having homosexual thoughts.

It blew me away! He tells me about some homosexual experiences with a friend at 7-8 years of age. I told him that it didn't make sense how he would even know what to do. After talking to his brother and some hypnosis, it was discovered that he was sexually abused by an uncle from age 6-10.

He said he was never sexually aroused by women, just by the thought of sex and that he used fantasies of men to "get off" with the OW.

Needless to say, I was in shock! He questioned his masculinity and whether or not he was gay. Since his therapy, it seems it was his thinking because he thought he must be gay, but is not. Since treatment, no more gay fantasies and he is much more relaxed and "the look" is gone in his eyes. I can't really explain "the look", but it was almost wild whenever sex was mentioned or thought of.

The first 3 OW were also co-workers and were short term, when my son was in the hospital and I wasn't around to "satisfy" him. The last 2 were when I personally was sick (they thought I had cancer) and wasn't physically able to "satisfy" him.

We've been through hell and he has changed a lot. Sex is no longer a priority to him. Our problems mostly stem from inability to communicate. He seems like a child in some ways. According to the therapist, SAB can stunt a person emotionally at the age that it occured and I can believe that.

I'm having the hardest time with FIVE females!!! I never had a clue!!!! I feel so stupid!!!!

Sometimes I wonder if I'm staying because I feel sorry for him. Or is it the kids. Or is it that I have invested so much time in this marriage and don't want to see it end. I don't really know. I love him. I hate him. I waiver from day to day. Heck, minute to minute.


Posts: 207 | Registered: Jun 2006
whyus
Member
Member # 14733
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)

How can someone have multiple ONSs - when you were dating, engaged , and married? - yet not say they are addicted to sex?

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2007 | From: southeastofdisorder
ThyrceIdiot
Member
Member # 14691
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, May 24th (Thursday)

Sorry to say this thread applies to me.

My husband of 16 years began having an inappropriate relationship with a coworker in year 5, and I found out about her because she began calling the house and hanging up (good ole *69)...found an email that seemed rather intimate for a coworker to be sending...and by asking his friends.

This was easy to excuse because it appeared to be the woman pursuing him instead of the other way around, at least that's how it was presented to me, and my naive self wanted to believe it so badly.

Months after this, however, I accidentally found another email from a different coworker that simply read, "Now, now, don't call her a bitch. She's still the mother of your children." This was the day after he'd spent 3 hours at a "guy friend's" house helping "him" put together a computer desk. Of course he came home and told me all about the evening, struglinng with the desk, the guy's family, even made up imaginary kids and gave them names and personalities - all completely fabricated.

He was confronted, remorseful, fessed up after a great deal of talking, and I don't know or care if it became physical because it was going to if it didn't. We sought marriage counseling for several months and made a lot of progressed, reconciled, and honest-to-God I've considererd our marriage STRONGER because of it.

I no longer had the unrealistic image of what a real husband was, and invested more time into me instead of losing myself in the children.

Fast forward 11 years to the present. An old girlfriend found the husband on myspace. He told me about it, we joked, he was flattered that she looked him up. I trusted him and felt no threat whatsoever. She forwarded him a few photos of them young, and still, complete trust and no worries.

Last weekend, he planned a trip out of state for a special event (I won't go into detail, but the hobby is harmless), giving me a story about how he needed to get back into an old hobby of his, and could he take the "good" car or should he rent? I supported this, as he does not have many hobbies anymore, and being my helpful self, got online to try and find a closer location for him to drive to (his choice was 5 hours away).

That's when I realized he was lying, and I was absolutely shocked. I wanted so badly to be wrong, and gave him rope after rope, with which he continued to hang himself. Lie after lie before he even knew I was onto him.

I figured out his location was half way between us and the old girlfriend, confronted him with this, and although he lied about it, I saw his lie and was devastated. He's been having an EA with this woman for a couple of months, and they'd finally planned to meet up and consumate. She is married also, so I contacted her husband about the weekend. She had lied to her husband about the weekend also.

I am feeling like my husband is a complete stranger, stuck in some kind of midlife crisis, and thinking with nothing but his man parts! He's started smoking again after 7 years of smoke-free breathing. He made so many stupid mistakes in trying to cheat on me, and I am wondering if he ever stayed because he loved me, or just because it was too hard to cheat?

I do not believe a word he says. He has started back to counseling, but I am not optimistic as he has a hero complex and I will never idolize him again. I can forgive a mistake, but this many times looks like a pattern of behavior, and that sounds like a big fat character flaw...something that will never change.

I am riding the emotional rollercoaster right now, hating him at present, and wanting to cause him major emotional pain. Unhealthy as it is, I would like nothing more than to see him cry. I feel like everything in my future is tainted now - the vacation we've planned, the weekend BBQs, the get-togethers. All of it is ruined because he is a lying cheat.

Yep, that's why I'm on this thread.

[This message edited by ThyrceIdiot at 10:20 PM, May 24th (Thursday)]


"Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on."

"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew."
~ Henry Rollins


Posts: 317 | Registered: May 2007
mrf975
New Member
Member # 14776
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, May 29th (Tuesday)

Been there Ladies..I emplore you..GO..cut your losses now...

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:31 AM, May 30th (Wednesday)]


"the only man I trust is a dishonest man-You can always trust him to be dishonest"--Capt..Jack Sparrow

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2007
one2ndchance
Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, May 29th (Tuesday)

I guess I belong here too, but because I discovered everything at one time, it feels like only one. I was very, very thorough in my investigation (hired PI, installed GPS on car and continued surveillance for over a year...yes, it was costly, but worth it).

Discovered that after 13 years of marriage (at which point we had drifted apart emotionally & sexually and neither of us bothered to do anything about it), WH began visiting massage parlors for massages with happy endings. Then had ONS with exotic dancer from strip club. THEN progressed to EA and PA with woman who occasionally cut his hair.

It didn't take a Phd to figure out he was lonely and looking for physical and emotional comfort. By the time I discovered it all, he was in pretty deep with the hairdresser...thought he was in love. Long story short, I threw him out and filed for divorce. Things between him and the hairdresser went sour, so he tried dating and found that all women want the same thing...a loyal, committed, decent, honest guy. I, meanwhile, was living the 180 and acting like I couldn't care less what he did. That made me attractive to him and he begged me to take him back.

It's been three years now, and I know that this two year period of time in his life was an aberration of who he really is. I think for alot of men, it starts out with one thing and then progresses to more. In my case, I think he wanted to get caught. Our marriage was so bad, he wanted to use his cheating as a way out. He knew I wouldn't tolerate it.

I realize alot of people advise against making such big decision so quickly, but I feel that my biggest advantage is filing for divorce so quickly after dday. I made it VERY clear to him when I took him back that should he cheat again, I'd refile for divorce and it WOULD go through...he would get only ONE 2nd chance.

So far, R has been going very well. His life is an open book and when I check occasionally, my surveillance turns up nothing. He (and I) are different people now. MC helped alot and we've learned ignoring marital problems never makes them go away...they only get worse. Communication, consideration, and mutual respect go a long way in keeping a couple close.

I still struggle sometimes with what he did and that is why I am here. But I really can't fault him at this point because he's done all he can to help me heal. I'm hoping reading and helping others will continue to push me toward full R.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002
DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.

Posts: 317 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
luvb4udie
Member
Member # 14671
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, May 29th (Tuesday)

I'm your newest member to the multiple affairs forum. Geez, as if I don't have enough on my plate already.

Anyways, My WB has had numerous affairs to which he claims nothing physical only emotional. Yeah right! There are so many that I've lost count.

I am trying now to figure out what to do with my life and how to help my children overcome another crisis in our family. Hugs to all on SI.


There is no cure without confrontation!

Never ignore a gut feeling, but never believe that it's enough.

Often it is the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them.
-Hermann Hesse


Posts: 153 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Central Florida
okaynow
Member
Member # 13813
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)

Just found out this afternoon that I belong on this thread also. Yuck.

WH had an affair that I discovered in Feb 07. He claimed it was over...many times...and I finally thought it was about 2 wks ago, and I thought we were on the road to reconcilation.

Today I discovered that he is having another affair. This one with a woman he met at church and who attended a weekend church retreat over Memorial day. BTW - did I mention that was also the weekend of our wedding anniversary? #18?

So - here I am, a member of a group I never wanted to belong to.


Married 18 yrs, together 25+.
D-day: 2/18/07.
1 child
The story doesn't really matter anymore. Time is a great healer. Life is good.

Posts: 2426 | Registered: Mar 2007
ohsolost
Member
Member # 10330
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 20th (Wednesday)

I am joining effective today. I found out that wh/stbx had been having an EA with someone he met while running sil's bar business. I found out about the phone calls and he said that he was just making sure she made it home, and he had also given her rides a few times. There was a time when he toldme that SHE was crazy, andthat it would be easier for me if I didn't check his voicemail.

I told him that, if it were not for me checking around, I wouldn't have known about OW#1 and I definetely would not have found out about OW#2. She is #2 because he admitted to calling her too much, although they didn't have sex. Sadly, you all have said the same thing with the same result: you were lied to.

I'm heartbroken, and pissed that, after he knew the pain the PA put me throuhg, yet he connects with another woman. WTF is wrong? He can't connect with me,or he chooses to look elsewhere. Like someone said, it could be a mid-life crisis.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.


BS-me 41 WH-him 45
Married 20 yrs, together 22 yrs
3 beautiful kids 16, 13, 9
DDay 4/5/06
DDay#2 12/3/07(OW#2)
Filed D 6/1/09
D final 11/3/09
9/10/11 Dating and enjoying life
4/7/12 Been with Fireman 7 months and going strong :~)

Posts: 2861 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Idaho
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 30th (Saturday)

As my name implies, I wife had five a's. Three were emotional, two were sexual. The first sexual was within 8 months of our getting married. That hurt when I found it out.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
sasanini
New Member
Member # 15280
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 10th (Tuesday)

I thought my story was very unique until I visited this thread. Now it just seems a little unique. My WH is a multiple offender and there have been so many D-Days during which he confesses to multiple affairs and promises to never do it again that I don't keep track of them anymore. We have been married for four years only. He just confessed his latest on 7/2/07 after being faithful for seven months.I am ready to call it quits. But we have 2 kids under 4 . So I sit still all day asking Now what?

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: US
deservebetter
New Member
Member # 15123
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 10th (Tuesday)

I am also part of this group...It may sound bad but it feels good to not be the only one. You know how you sometimes feel that you are...until you come on here and see all of the destruction. Anyways....My husband had a 2 month EA online in 2003. We reconciled then in June 2007 I found phone calls that in turn led to him confessing to having an online affair for 8 months with 1 ow. A week after I found those phone numbers he went and met her and had a PA. I told him I wanted a divorce ...He says he thought we were all over so he figured he had nothing else to lose. HA! Well we are trying to reconcile again...It is soooo hard...I know in my heart thought that I am following the 3rd strike rule ....The next time I am going straight to the lawyer and filing. If there is a next time which I pray there isnt ....He knows this also...he has done everything so far that I have asked to reconcile. I was having issues with him not wearing his wedding band but he put that on for me today YEAH!!! Anyways good luck to everyone. Thanks for reading my long story!


BW:36(ME)
WS:36(HIM)
MARRIED 9 YEARS TOGETHER 11
2 KIDS 7YRS AND 1 1/2
DD#1 AUGUST 19, 2003
DD#2 JUNE 6, 2007
DD#3 JUNE 13, 2007
DD#4 AUGUST 30,2007

Working on a better marriage


Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2007
megT
Member
Member # 13879
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 11th (Wednesday)

So, I belong here, but I am seeking answers.

My husband has been having affairs throughout our marriage, where he has had a collection of female friends, who know he is married, and who each thought they were the only one he cheated with. Since he is a nice guy, they assumed he had a weakness for them, an itch to scratch, and were flattered he called on them. These women signed up for this role and knew he would not leave me. I never received a mysterious phone call or letter. They stayed in the background. When dday came, he contacted all and said 'do not call, I am working on my marriage.' They have all stuck to this. No contact. Perfect.

Is this considered multiple affairs, or a mutual admiration society?

Now that I know, the fun is gone.

Can this really be the end of the affairs and we can start anew?

I am wondering why I believe it to be so, but am scared too.

[This message edited by megT at 8:11 PM, July 11th (Wednesday)]


DJP - Don't judge the past... Don't waste God's graces given today on the future. Live in the moment.

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2007
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, July 11th (Wednesday)

But, does anyone know why? Why so many?

With my husband, I see a clear pattern of, when the marriage is rough, he runs to another woman for ego strokes (and other strokes, too, I'm pretty sure.)

OW1 happened when we were separated for 9 months. Although, given other circumstances, of his sister pushing hard for him to divorce me, prior to the separation, I do wonder if he was already 'seeing' ow1 before the separation, and has let me believe they only 'became friends' during it. He continued his friendship with her for 13 years before I really found out the extent of it and got angry enough to threaten to leave him if it didn't stop.

OW2-- I don't know much about her except that he was having weekly coffee dates with her for at least a year and telling me he was taking a nap on the way home from work. Our marriage was sort of surviving at that point, but not really great, because the sil issue (mentioned above) was never resolved.

OW#3 started up after my 'best friend' broke my confidence. I'd been very frustrated with dh and many issues in our marriage. My friend went behind my back and gave wh her very wrong interpretation that I WAS going to divorce him, no matter what. "And" (I quote) "there's nothing you can do about it." I believe at that point, he truly thought I'd dragged him halfway across the country with the intention of divorcing him and marrying a guy I haven't talked with in 20 years. So (I believe) he knew who had a reputation and would put out, and started something with her.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, July 11th (Wednesday)

Meg, I could have written your post. I can't believe how many female friends wh has, including many I know very little about. But my alarms only go off with the three of them. There's something distinctly wrong with those three.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, July 13th (Friday)

In talking about it, we found that my WW didn't want a confrontation with me, so she'd tell the OM. They would give her what she needed, and she'd get close with them. After the first one, she'd tell the others that she had strayed before. That opened the door. I'm mad that I wasn't given the chance to prove myself at the time. I'm not perfect, but I think things would have gone differently if she'd talked ot me instead of the others.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
megT
Member
Member # 13879
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 13th (Friday)

Capri,
The problem with these friends, is that the word friend is incorrect. These women only job was to say pleasant things that stroked my WS ego. Husband is hometown hero. Strokes were easy, whenever someone gushed over meeting him. It is hard to resist fawning when you are down about work, family, etc. They were always glad to hear from him. Stroke again. They were willing to sleep with him, even if only once a year. Stroke again. What a nice group of friends.


DJP - Don't judge the past... Don't waste God's graces given today on the future. Live in the moment.

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2007
Marlene1
Member
Member # 15332
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 15th (Sunday)

I think my husband's affairs stemmed from pressure from other men. His friends had "mistresses" and seemed to be a status symbol for them. He is from another country, and the wives always suspect their husbands of cheating, and the men cheat. I thought we were different. I thought we were stronger than that. I thought that if I didn't "nag" him all the time like his friend's wives did, then he wouldn't cheat. I thought we told each other everything. His friend's wives even told me that they really liked my husband because he was a good influence on their husbands. When I went to go live in his home country it was very disturbing. He would go out with his friends drinking, expecting me to be content staying home every night. It was awful. Now, I figure out that his friends would have "mocked" him for taking his wife to a bar, nightclub, etc. Isn't it more impressive to have a hot young girl sitting next to you. And, I was actually looking really good back then. But, you know wives are for at home. I told him I would never visit there again, and I refuse to be treated like that right in front of my face. This is why I know there is no hope for our future together. He is making plans to retire in his home country. I told him go ahead, but I am not going with you. I don't know how they can think this is a great way to live their lives? It is miserable for me, and the other many wives out there. However, I have a choice. They don't, there is no divorce in their country.

Posts: 1343 | Registered: Jul 2007
Marlene1
Member
Member # 15332
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 15th (Sunday)

megT,

How are things going? I feel like we are the same. I have never heard a "peep" out of any other women. The only way I knew is from the trails he left behind. He won't admit it, and they won't so I am left feeling like I am crazy. I know he would never leave me, but that almost makes it worse because it leaves me wondering: When will it ever end??????

[This message edited by Marlene1 at 6:50 PM, July 15th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1343 | Registered: Jul 2007
lmwk123
Member
Member # 15229
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, July 18th (Wednesday)

In reading some of the posts alot of women were pregnant at the time of h affair. I know my h had A about a week after I lost a baby and then another A with the neighbor/friend across the street when I became pregnant again. He claims A started after Valentine's day last year but claims to not remember if it was before or after I told him I was pregnant. I told him exactally 1 week after Valentine's day I was expecting. He never remembers anything so I don't see how he remembers A starting after V-Day and not knowing if I was pregnant or not. I think he does know and just won't say. Why do you think some A occur during this period?


A- 11/06-5/07
I believe more A's throughout
3 kids
together 16 yrs

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
Life is a test.


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2007
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, July 18th (Wednesday)

Interesting observation, lmwk. In my case, we have so many children, it goes without saying I would have been pregnant during almost any of these, lol...

...but, yes, I was pregnant during the time he was spending every Friday night at parties with ow1. Depending what the full truth is about ow2 and the weekly coffee dates, I was pregnant with either one child or the twins who followed him. And I was pregnant during the first few months of ow3.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
hope4better
Member
Member # 14919
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, July 22nd (Sunday)

Looks like I belong here too. My STBXH cheated on me 4 times that I am aware of. I'm sure there are more but at this point, I really don't care....I'm done! 4 was enough for me to finally wake up and see him for who he really is. I just can't take it anymore. I deserve better than this! Hell, WE ALL deserve better than this!


Me: BW-35
Him: WH-35
Kids: 13 and 2yrs (both kids are his)
DDay #1: Summer of 1998 (ow#1)
DDay #2: Summer of 2003 (ow#2)
DDay #3: Summer of 2004 (ow#3)
DDay #4: Summer of 2005 (ow#4 21yr old) He kept this one
Married: 6yrs Divorced: 2007

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: midwest
Nvrthesame
Member
Member # 15656
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, August 8th (Wednesday)

Let's see....

FWH had numerous affairs over the course of our relationship (we dated 6 or so years before getting married in 2004).

There are a 3-4 women I don't know, the others I do...

OW#1- Former co-worker (she, FWH and I worked at the same place for a while).

OW#2- FWH's cousin got married in 2005...OW is the wife's sister.

OW#3- Best friend of the same cousin's wife (see OW#2)

OW#4- My son's former day care teacher! This one REALLY got me pissed!

The OW#2 is the only PA he had after we got married. He had an EA with a girl who went to the same school he was taking classes at (spoke to that one.. she was a real doozy).


"Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath."
-- Michael Caine

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them."
-- Galileo Galilei


Posts: 434 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: VA
Aphrodite07
Member
Member # 15329
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, August 24th (Friday)

Any of u who have suffered because of WS multiple affairs...have u all left them or are you still with them?

My first DDay I was a year ago. It was an A my WS had with OW I used to work with. I thought it was an A only with her and he had never been with anyone else.

This month I discover there is a new OW, albeit she lives abroad, but he has had some ONS also and god knows how many other semi-long PA with other women I still know nothing about.

I'm still so shoccked by this discovery. I'm not saying the first and what I though "only" affair was easy to get over.....i'm still not even over that, but it was easier to handle than the discovery that he's probably been unfaithful the entire relationship and marraige.

But I'm still with him...he doesn't know I know about the multiple ONS and PA...I'm just trying to figure out what to do


WS: 29
ME: 25
DDay 1: 22/06/06
DDay 2: 19/07/07

Just found out our R has been a big lie - trying to find the strength to leave

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. (Rabbi Julius Gordon)


Posts: 199 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Ireland
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 25th (Saturday)

At first I only knew about the one OM. As we were reconciling, I found out there were four others, starting 8 months after we were married. It really sucks, but we are still together. MC is helping us immensely.

How can you keep it to yourself knowing about the others? I let FWW know I had found out there was more about 5 seconds after she got home that night!


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Hosea2007
Member
Member # 14896
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 30th (Thursday)

Don't ask me how I didn't know, because I'm still wrestling with that one!! He's a pilot and thus was able to have an honest-to-goodness double life going!
There are 7 admitted affairs and other "inappropriate relationships". Mostly flight attendants and first officers. Heck! The hotel rooms were being paid for by the company--how convenient. (Now I can barely stay in a hotel for all the triggers they provide!) We have 5 sons and I am praying fervently for this generational sin to be broken right here!!! One of the A took place while I was 9 months pg with #4 and he went back to her while the baby was 9 days old on home phototherapy and the baby WOULD NOT sleep---me home after delivery, with 4 children--some "honorable man" (that's what he'd say if I ever asked him if he ever was tempted to have an A with any of those flight attendants, I'm an "honorable man").
We are attempting R and it was going pretty well until I started having some problems dealing with all his TRUTH again. Now he keeps saying that I'm dwelling on it and wallowing in it. Not sure I'm going to successfully make it through all these one year markers WITH HIM if he can't show some real life compassion!!! I wrote him a letter to that affect today and hopefully he'll listen with his heart. He's in a 12 step program for sexual addiction and so I know he's working on his stuff, but I'm tired of hearing that I'm not where I OUGHT to be--according to the betrayer!!!!
Okay. Back to sanity. We have 5 boys and I really do feel there is reason to hope that the changes he's making will stick. It just hurts more than anything I could have ever imagined and when doesn't show compassion; well I lose even more respect for him (not that there's much left as it is!)
So that's the gist of it and where I am today. Tomorrow, I have learned from experience, WILL be different--one way or the other. I am praying for us all. Blessings all around!!


Hosea 3:1 (edited to my situation) "The LORD said to me, "Go, show your love to your husband again, though he is an adulterer. Love him as the LORD loves the Israelites."
Me-43, Him-45, 5 sons, M-17y.
7OW,5DDays; last 1/07
In R

Posts: 289 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Arkansas
Mommato4
Member
Member # 15906
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, September 3rd (Monday)

My WH had 2 affairs and multiple inappropriate "flirtations" as he calls it with about 3 other woman(all co-workers)

His first was 5 years into marriage and was an online affair-he went looking because he felt lonely on adult friend finder (EA for 4 months which turned PA-I was never told it was a PA until it came out during his last A)

His second A was this year with a co-worker who is married. It was an EA/PA that lasted 6 weeks. I called her and asked WTF-and she called it off(BTW-she knew that I knew about them and they continued on with it cause it was true love)


Updated 2013:
BS-me 40
XH-doesn't matter
4 kids D16, D15, S12, S7
Together 15+yrs, Married 12+yrs
D-days-multiple
Separated 11/9/07
Divorcing-I filed 4/29/08
Divorced-7/25/08

Posts: 1347 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PNW country
naivegirl
Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, September 9th (Sunday)

I belong here to. My husband has had 2 one night stands, one emotional affair and a long term affair. He also kissed another girl he met when he was out of town. He also spent five years on an off looking at personal adds. Never responded to them supposedly. Like others my husband often did this in time of stress or change in our life. I'm so gald for this site, Without it I would feel like the only person in the world trying to reconcile with someone that has treated me this poorly. It is hard to live in the now when he has done all of this. I never found out anything until this year. The long term affair gave him away.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2007
katiej
Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, September 21st (Friday)

I have a question for everyone one here. How do you know when your WH has "just" had multiple A's, ONS, etc. or did that because he was a sex addict?

My FWH and I went to MC and IC. After alot of trickling, it ends up that he met two women in bars and developed an online R with them that led to months later meeting in person for a PA. Also met several OW for "coffee" only through online dating sites, hooked up with a secretary from another facility that he met through work. Did have a LTA with OW for 1 1/2 years but was seeing the others at the same time.

So I have read stories like this in this forum and my question came about because the IC felt that FWH is a type of sex addict. Not into porn, ONS, spending money on sex, etc. He wanted the adoration and affection of the OW and to escape the "real world". He would hate himself after but would then justify it in his own mind for two reasons - to feel better about himself so he could look in the mirror, and so that he could continue that escape when real life crept in.

He goes to the SAA groups (I insisted he attend the first), and now truly does see the addiction in this. He needed the adoration "fix" and the sex really was secondary; but who doesn't like feeling desired by many of the opposite sex? Especially when your self esteem is tanked and you have lost your values and moral sense?

So IMHO, either he isn't a sex addict, or there are alot more of this type out there than have been identified.

If the difference is that they hate themselves after they do it but can't stop and the others don't hate themselves but always feel justified, then just maybe I'm happy that he is a SA?


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007
katiej
Member
Member # 14724
DOH!  Posted: 10:51 PM, October 1st (Monday)

Now I know that I am a killer of threads! How can a person kill a thread in the I Can Relate forum!!! ???


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007
LLady8
Member
Member # 10284
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, October 2nd (Tuesday)

Katie,

No, you're not a threadkiller - some of us just don't come here very often.

From everything I've read about sex addicts, serial cheaters, etc., it's my understanding that sex addicts are escaping an internal pain that they don't know how to deal with any other way. So they get their "sex fix" which makes them feel better for a short period of time until they feel bad enough again to do it again. I guess you can equate it to any other addiction. When you're feeling low, you seek out what makes you feel high about yourself. It's also a way of burying, avoiding, and not facing your true feelings about yourself.

I guess I prefer to call my WH a serial cheater. When an opportunity came along and it felt good, he went for it. He was escaping the realities of life when he did it....and into a short-term fantasy world. It was funner and easier than dealing with the serious issues of marital conflict and fatherhood.

I really think there are varying extremes of sex addiction. Have you read any of Gary Zukav's books? His book "The Heart of the Soul" talks about addictive sex. He states that addictive sex is a craving for meaning and purpose. It is weakness drawn to weakness. Two people using one another to feel worthy. It is using another person to create relief from your pain. Addictive sex is a symptom - painful emotions are the cause.

Our counselor really discounts all the label-making that our society does with "sex addicts, etc. I asked him if my husband was a sex addict and he just said "it depends on what you think a sex addict is". He tells us the mind is a powerful thing and we can change any thing if we want to. It takes a lot of pain in one's life before they can make the change, but that pain is the answer to really changing your life. I'm happy to report that because of the pain(of what he did and possibly losing his family)my WH has changed and says he will never go back there(never say never!). His actions convince me and his pain and remorse back it up. Actually, we've both changed and have a better marriage now than we ever did before - "No pain, no gain".

Good Luck to you!!!


BW - me; WH - him
In R since first dday

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
ThyrceIdiot
Member
Member # 14691
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, October 4th (Thursday)

I guess I prefer to call my WH a serial cheater. When an opportunity came along and it felt good, he went for it. He was escaping the realities of life when he did it....and into a short-term fantasy world. It was funner and easier than dealing with the serious issues of marital conflict and fatherhood.

I agree with this. I also agree that MC's or IC's and the media get crazy with the term 'sex addiction'. It's sensational, it gets ratings, but is it real? Well the euphoria you feel from sex can be addictive to some degree, but I cannot equate it with alcoholism or drug addiction that eventually changes the physiological structure of the brain and does irreperable damage. Maybe that's just me.

If it were pure sex addiction, it wouldn't matter who it was with, or what it was, it would be sex with anyone (that met the criteria), including paying for it. Why go to the trouble of courting someone and hiding it all? Repeated affairs are a result of pain that the person is trying to medicate.


"Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on."

"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew."
~ Henry Rollins


Posts: 317 | Registered: May 2007
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, October 4th (Thursday)

I wouldn't call fwh a sex addict. He swears there was no sex, no kissing, no hand-holding, nothing, with any of these women. Of course, he's lied to me a few times before....

I think with him, it's about the ego strokes.

mommato4, my fwh also labels his daily warm-fuzzy e-mail forwards, his visits to her desk, the lies, etc. with ow3 as merely 'inappropriate.' I want to ask, what does that MEAN?? It wasn't an ea, it wasn't really 'wrong,' it was just... 'inappropriate.' It belittles the pain it caused. I told him this morning I need a NAME, a WORD for what it was, because 'inappropriate' can't possibly hurt this much.

aphrodite, I'm still with him. Sadly, I think it's strictly because of the children at this point.

Hosea, I had to laugh at your post-- in the sense of if I don't laugh, I'll cry. My husband has also written or said things about how he prides himself on his honesty and integrity! Having weekly coffee dates for 2 or more years on end with another woman and lying to me about it... and he actually believes he's a man of honesty and integrity? Which dictionary is he using, because I want to sleep with the ten best looking and richest guys in this country, steal their wallets when I'm through, and still be a woman of virtue!


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
wantmore
Member
Member # 5939
Suspicious  Posted: 2:08 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)

My husband has also written or said things about how he prides himself on his honesty and integrity!

Mine too! He really thinks that lies of ommission aren't really lies. So, he's honest, right?

He didn't want to hurt me, so he's virtuous, right?

And, he couldn't hurt OW#2's feelings by "putting her aside like a potted plant", then he wouldn't be the good guy, ya know?

And when I had my d-day it was all about OW#2, he swore to himself I'd never find out about OW#1, the one he was in loooove with. I found out about #3 and #4 (attempted affairs, didn't get to follow through on them) by reading his old emails from OW#2.

He is an unreformed, functioning alcoholic, and that has its own field of landmines.

Those of you who remember me from last year know I kind of set him up, baited him, and he bit the bait. Then I bailed without even letting him know it was a setup.

As I said in another thread last week, the nicest thing I ever did for him is let him belive our breakup was mutal.

As I said last week, mutual my big white ass.


Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Of course it helps to know you *have* enemies.

Posts: 2887 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Florida
1SadDude
Member
Member # 16579
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, October 11th (Thursday)

My W had 2 year EA and PA for the last 5 months until 5/2007. Hit me so hard I can't believe it. I know what depression is now... We were in MC for weeks trying to figure things out...

I started feeling really funny about her and this construction worker, working on our new house!!! Her and the MC really started working me over about my lack of trust and paranoia...

Turns out she fell in with this guy (never met until 1 month after dday 1), the whole sole mate thing, rewriting our relationship etc.

We have a new MC and are trying to work through it but as you can imagine it is really hard for me. The first one I could understand on some level, the second one has me thinking some sort of *other* issue. Very sad times for me weighing divorce, kids, etc...


Me BH 40+
Her WW 40+
Kids 4/6/8

Posts: 480 | Registered: Oct 2007
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, October 11th (Thursday)

1sad....

Welcome. Sorry to hear your ciscumstances. Post here. It helps.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
woundedspouse
Member
Member # 16657
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, October 18th (Thursday)

Does anyone have info / advice on "serail cheaters". I see them referenced ion books and article, but am having difficulty actually finding specific info on the "disorder".

How many of you have successfully recovered your marriage with a serial cheater?

For those of you that have had numerous affairs, did you WANT TO stop but couldn't.......have you been able to?

I would greatly appreciate you info / advice

Thanks in advance!!


Wounded Spouse
ME - 41 BS
HIM 51 WS
Married 2/93 3 beautiful children
DDay #1 8-26-07 DDay #2 11-8-07 DDAy #3 12-23-07 DDay #?! 7-2-07
"If you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: "I came to live out loud."

Posts: 1381 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: midwest,
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 18th (Thursday)

wantmore, yep that all sounds like my husband. The day I told him he can d*mn well STOP visiting ow3 at her desk (which she thought was his 'favorite thing' ) he WAIIILLLLED, "What am I supposed to tell ow3???" Gosh-- what a nice guy to be so concerned about her well-being. I think maybe I told him to tell her the truth, that since she doesn't know proper boundaries with married men, you're not the last married man who's going to be ordered to stay away from her like she's got leprosy.

As to ow1, he pretty much made me the bad guy, saying I gave him an ultimatum and he hopes she and her husband never have to go through what he's going through.

the MC really started working me over about my lack of trust and paranoia...

Do we have the same counselor?? According to mc2, there was no need to talk about anything 'in the past.' We really just had to start fresh, I had to just 'make a choice to trust,' and in the end, the real problem according to him was my anger. Isn't it tempting to set his wife up with a few secret friends and see if he develops an anger problem himself!


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
sunflower18
New Member
Member # 15551
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, October 21st (Sunday)

I can so relate to all the posts here. My FWH has admitted to 12 affairs in the last 15 years of a 30 year marriage. He confessed because he wanted to end that life style. My D-day was 3 months ago and i have learned so much about this awful topic that i never wanted to know.

I also forced my H to go to a SA meeting and then we discovered from our therapist that he was not a sex addict. they define a sex addict as someone who has sex with prostitues or on line affairs, who is not looking for the emotional factor. My H had many LTA and i had double betrayal too. He had many women at the same time.

These men are empty and broken inside and whenever they find a woman to tell them how great, handsome, smart. strong, funny and SPECIAL they are, they fuck them! It helps them see themselves as wonderful men, and makes them forget how insecure and empty they really are.

My H flirted with other women from the first time we met, often in front of me. I was broken when i met him, so i accepted this, but i grew up and he didnt.

We are in MC now, and the therapist says that my H never stopped loving me but that he was ANGRY at me, fot not giving him the attention he wanted.

OH YES, my H is a NARCISIST too. H always thought the world revolved around him and i enabled him to function that way.

Now i have learned.

Some days the pain is so great, i dont know how i can survive. Part of me wants to kick him the hell out, and part of me believes that he can actually change into the human being he says he can.

All i know is that this sucks. I regret the day i married my H, and wish that i had been a more confident person so i was not attracted to this kind of man. I wish i had not accepted all of his verbal abuse all of these years. My only crime was loving him and my 3 kids and wanting him to focus on us, instead of making everyone else like him all the time, and little did i know - about all the affairs.

How stupid could i be????


Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, October 21st (Sunday)

Sunflower... you weren't stupid. You were trusting and true.

Everyone has regrets in their life. Things they wish they could go back and do over again if they had the chance. Knowing what I do now, no, I probably wouldn't have married my H either. But we dont' know that at the beginning.

There were hints, flags even while we dated, but I ignored them like I ignored the A flags. We thought better of them than they did of themselves.

All As are selfish, narcissistic in some form. And SA does not always include pros and escorts or online stuff... I believe my H is a recovering SA. He wasn't when he went into the affair mode, but became that way during it.

My H swears he never stopped loving me either, but in a family kind of way, not a sexual human being kind of way. And sexual anorexia with your love partner is a sign of SA.

My H also had to be the good guy, the go to guy, the be all and end all to everyone outside our family unit. We did without while he did for everyone else because they "appreciated" him more.

It's part of the A mode too. Your H probably moved on the moment the bloom was off the rose of each affair. My H went into each affair with blinders on, telling himself it was just for fun, for sex, meant nothing. Five years out from his last affair, he still believes that.

I know how you struggle. I do too. It's a waiting game if you have the patience.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
LLady8
Member
Member # 10284
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 22nd (Monday)

Sunflower, I am sorry you are here. Listen to Weepy - you are NOT stupid. We all believed and trusted our Wayward spouses - they took advantage of our trust and love for them. The fact that your spouse confessed gives me hope that he truly wants to change. My WH was caught in his last affair and it took him over a year before he confessed to all the others before that. We are still recovering and our counselor gives us much hope that people can change especially in the aftermath of so much pain. I will never totally trust again, but now I see that to my advantage. Because of this experience I am more aware of the signs of cheating and we have very firm boundaries that can not be crossed like I allowed before(when I trusted). My WH continues to show tremendous remourse, and is humbled by my unconditional love. We have both become stronger people and partners.

It is a long, painful road to recovery. You will both be challenged but the bond that grows between you during this crisis can be amazing and unbreakable. Good Luck!


BW - me; WH - him
In R since first dday

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
workaholicswife
New Member
Member # 15869
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, October 22nd (Monday)

Add me to the group too. I discovered recently that my WH had muliple affairs within the past 7 years. It hurts like hell, b/c I had no idea. I also get very angry with him for wasting my time. I really didn't want to be with him in the first place, but co-dependancy kicked in and I felt that he and his son needed me.

I am so pissed b/c we do still live in the same house, and part take a a few activities. I really don't want to go anywhere with him. I am trying to withdraw from him emotionally.

Yesterday, his aunts got into a car accident and the family members were at the ER. We dropped by, but after a few minutes I withdraw myself from the crowd b/c I didn't want to maintain his image of the perfect husband, son, uncle, newphrew, cousin, etc. I am not going to their house for the holidays as well.

I really feel that why he wants to keep me around, to uphold his image while living a secret life.

I also realized yesterday, what made the affairs end. Did he stop them or did the OW? I don't know much about the other affairs only one. But she told me that she ended it and he was upset. I can't believe that he would do those things and come home and look me in my face like nothing. It would have torn me apart if it was me. But he is not me.

I am coming to the conclusion that even if he does get help for his actions, I can no longer trust him and do not want to move forward in our relationship together. I want to move out with my son; but have to save some money and wait until my lease ends next year.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Aug 2007
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, October 22nd (Monday)

what made the affairs end. Did he stop them or did the OW?

In our case, the cyber-footsies and visits at the desk with ow3 stopped because I demanded it.

Coffee dates with ow2 stopped because she got a new job and disappeared without leaving a forwarding address, so to speak.

LT 'friendship' with ow1 stopped (if it really did) because I gave him an ultimatum.

It hurts and is telling that in none of these cases did he stop because he realized it was wrong and kind of sleazy to be lying to your wife.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, October 22nd (Monday)

I only know what he "says".

He says he stopped because he couldn't get any lower, he was almost suicidal with guilt.

However, I also found out that LTAP had been arrested for dealing drugs just prior to his "quitting". I'm sure her higher exposure ruined the secret. He couldn't risk getting caught with her, with drugs.

He swears he told her he was done and she said "ok". AFter 7 years, she said "ok" with no fishing afterward, no pleading, no contact, everything just fine. I know he maintained at least a cordial relationship with her because they traveled in the same circles. And he couldn't afford to piss her off.

But the truth.... I'll never know.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 22nd (Monday)

Funny, isn't it? Supposedly "OK" was ow1's response, also, to being told a 13 year friendship was over. I find that hard to believe.

We did have weeks of nightly hang-up calls afterward that finally ended when I said, "How are you doing, ow1?" But that, of course, was just a coincidence, and he swears she wouldn't do a thing like that.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
sunflower18
New Member
Member # 15551
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, October 28th (Sunday)

Thanks weepy and llady. Your words are so helpful. My H wants to become a different person and regrets everything. has anyone out there had a husband who feels that he cant believe what he did? like he woke up and sees the terrible things? how is that possible?

my therapist says that anger MASKS guilt but i dont get it. he felt no guilt for many years and now feels so much.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, October 28th (Sunday)

Sun, my H said that's why he quit. He woke up one day and felt so awful, so wracked with guilt, realized how much he had missed by not being involved with the family. Saw everything in a different light.

He said even then it wasn't easy. He was so used to that life, that giving up his "easy" lays was tough. He turned to porn and MB for quite a while (years) to avoid going there. He still felt he couldn't be with me... partly because of the guilt, partly because he was still angry with me. And partly because he wanted to make sure he had no STD or anything. He never got tested the whole time... he f'd cheap hookers and never got tested...talk about denial.

While he was active... he was the most miserable, angry, self-righteous, arrogant SOB on the planet. We could do nothing right. My son's almost straight A report cards, well, why was there a B? He would punish the kids for C's. I was stupid and fat and purposely making him mad. If I let his favorite soup brand drop below 3 cans on the shelf, it was a reason to berate me for days.

The sad part is if my H sees his actions, believes he was really like that,he'll never admit it...still in denial.

There used to be a few Waywards on here with multiple affairs, they were very helpful in explaining some of the mindset for me.

I still don't trust him and he says it's been 6 years since he even wanted to be with anther. That he beat his "addiction". I still see him as being in recovery, so I will watch.

It's a horrid life.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Eternaloptimist
Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, October 28th (Sunday)

Hey sunflower,

My WH, like yours, feels incredible shame, remorse, guilt...the whole gamut. I have a friend who works with survivors of childhood sexual abuse and, while my WH wasn't sexually abused (not that he "remembers"), he nonetheless had an incredibly oppressive childhood. My friend explained to me that, for him, compartmentalizing was just a way of life for him. He would do something "wrong", then come home and look his father (a judge, no less) in the eye and say nothing. So, by the time he got to me, 15 years later, it was nothing to do something that, when he looked at it, was "disgusting" to him, then come home and be the family man. I can't imagine it, but I'm learning to put myself in his shoes and recognize how great the pain/sense of worthlessness was that he craved the release of a meaningless encounter like it was a drug. And now that he's actually acknowledging the feelings, it's all flooding back.
Now it's me who's the numb one!
Did anyone have any idea how bizarre this world was? I was such a Pollyanna... JavaScript:AddSmily('%20%20')


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
sunflower18
New Member
Member # 15551
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, October 29th (Monday)

Weepy-
My H confessed and gave up the lifestyle when he lost his job of 32 years. his job was his whole identitiy and he had many of his women there. when he realized that no one at his job stood up for him, and i was still standing at his side, he couldnt face me anymore without telling. then it was like he woke up, and discovered all that he had done in the last 12 years.

My H was a bully in my house- intimidating the children and also demanding. he was physiclly abusive with my 2 sons as his father was with him. he never connected himself to other cheaters, when we discussed other people that we knew. how is that possible that he couldnt see that he was one of them???

how could he feel NO guilt and now feels nothing BUT guilt?? he says that he hates the old him and wants to be a whole new person, but i dont know if i can forgive him. he has not done anything sexual since d-day - 3 months ago. he has been depressed and sometimes suicidal.

i feel repulsed at the thought of him touching me. i have the visions of him fucking all the other women. do any of you feel this way?


Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, October 29th (Monday)

Sun yes, the idea of you knowing the truth about him has him feeling that guilt. While he was compartmentalizing it all, basically denying it happened, he COULD face you. Now that he knows you know, he can't. I guess I understand that. My H also had a very oppressive childhood and started the lying and hiding himself very young. He was out of his house at 16, living with a girl, dropping out of school. The unbelieveable attitude of "what they don't know can't hurt them."

My H NEVER saw the misery at home. Never heard my pleas for help. Never saw the kids disappointment and hurt.

I still have those images when I'm feeling bad about myself. That's why IC is so important for the betrayed as well as the betrayer. Our confidence in ourselves has been shot too. How could we not have known? What was so wrong with us that they felt they had to go elsewhere? Was life so terrible at home? Why didn't they leave then? It's all complicated and horrible.

I will tell you that my H has quit cheating on me. He screwed up 2+ years ago, but nothing sexual, I think. He became a much better father and an affectionate husband. He cares about our home and our family FIRST. I still cringe when I hear someone ask him for a favor and then am startled when he refuses. He needed all that "stroking" before. Now he gets it from his own pride at being a good person. He opens up to me about his fears and axieties -- kind of in a backward way, but he never did before. Before, nothing EVER bothered him, he was perfect and so RIGHT! Seeing him question himself is a stunning thing.

I'm not going to tell you I don't worry, I do. But learning that we can't control what they do, only what we do is a huge benefit. We know NOW if it happens again, we're out. We're done, there's no third chances. That's so empowering. And seeing THEM understand it is comforting.

You're very new at this. I could barely get out of bed at 3 mo. I didn't feel even slightly secure until about 14 mo. And like I said, I still have terrible moments.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, October 29th (Monday)

Interesting... sad... reading these posts. I see so many similarities to fwh.

Oppressive childhood and lying young: not sure he'd call it oppressive, but I know he decided long before I met him (when he was 20) that lying was a 'smart' way to live.

Not seeing the misery at home: I told him for years, in the nicest possible terms, that many things were a problem in our marriage. He didn't want to see it. He'd come home hours late, and just never even consider that we'd all been waiting and worrying, what it might have been like for me not knowing where he was, or for the kids having a mother trying to keep the agitation and worry at bay, and constantly asking, themselves, "where's dad?" and "when's dad coming home?"

Bullying: I don't think he saw it as bullying, but when I ask myself why I put up with this crap for so long, I remember how every time I tried to do anything about it, he started taking out his anger on the kids. He'd never hit them, but he'd get very short and angry with them. They'd bear the brunt of it every time I tried to do anything about the situation. So most of the time I tried to tolerate it.

And the not connecting himself with other cheaters: OH YEAH!!! Or is that all a lie, too, being horrified at the cheaters he knows? But if he really didn't have sex with any of these women, then I believe he's genuinely horrified at the men he knows cheating on their wives, and simply doesn't want to see that all his lying and sneaking behind my back is no different. Or maybe he did sleep with them but figures he's different because he 'always came home to me?'

Arrogant? OHHHHH, yeah! Funny, because there's this incredible lack of self worth, and yet arrogance all at once. He could do no wrong. His family could do no wrong.

The berating wasn't as bad as what someone described (at least after the separation was over-- I was called every name in the book during those 9 months) more of a drip, drip, drip combined with virtually no positives or compliments, ever.

And he will not admit that it was really that bad. Well, bit by bit, he's beginning to admit, kindof sortof, that he really acted like this. And I notice that the farther out we are from him having ow1 to run to in the e-mail and get reassurance that he's great, the more likely he is to apologize or admit, just a little, that he really did those things.

Sunflower, although he's only on the edges of admitting it, I do feel like he's waking up and seeing he was different from what he let himself believe at the time. I think it has in part to do with not having ow1 to run to. Of course, when you have other women telling you (through words or actions) that you're wonderful, then of course you can see yourself that way and blame all the problems on your wife. When they finally take themselves off that drug, they start to see reality.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
Eternaloptimist
Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, October 29th (Monday)

Wow -- do I ever see myself in some of these posts. Things I haven't even really looked at because I've been so focussed on the cheating. I too can remember the waiting....answering the kids queries about "where's Daddy?"...the building resentment that he had such freedom and that I just didn't. All he had to do was say he had a client meeting and he was free as a bird. If I wanted to find a cure for cancer, I had to first book a sitter, get meals sorted out, fill the fridge with food, etc. etc. I'd forgotten for how many years I just put my own resentment and anger on the back burner because, as I kept telling myself, he loved me and he was a good, principled person and I was lucky to have him working so hard. I can't count the times I defended him to the kids and my parents...even to his own family. What a shmuck I was!!


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 30th (Tuesday)

Eternal, I could have written your last post word for word.

I remember waiting for H to come home from "work" or "the store" if we were supposed to do something together. Telling the kids that "daddy will be home as soon as he can" and always the "daddy didn't mean what he said, he loves you and is upset about something else." In MC one night when I related that he told me I was making it up to hurt him.

did sleep with them but figures he's different because he 'always came home to me?'

capri - Before I found out, I threw my H a 50th Bday bash. I got friends of his from grade school there. It was huge and expensive. I spent about a year puttint together a list of 50things I loved about him.... one of them was

"And you always come home to me." That was something HE always said when I'd get suspicious or "paranoid". He'd ask me when he had time to have an affair with working all day and being home with me all night. Yeah, that's kind of what I figured too...talk about your naive!

and this...

Arrogant? OHHHHH, yeah! Funny, because there's this incredible lack of self worth, and yet arrogance all at once. He could do no wrong.

I found this to be at the root of many of the Waywards issues, not just the multiple cheaters. My H actually admitted this to me that he felt like crap, especially when around me. He admits it's a defense mechanism... the arrogance, but doesn't do anything to change that. I hear him telling acquaintences all kinds of exaggerations about his life and none of them are true. When I get a chance, I always tell these people that he's delusional. H gets mad at that but I tell him it's no longer acceptable to be a liar to anyone.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Eternaloptimist
Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 30th (Tuesday)

Funny -- I threw my WH a surprise 40th birthday party. Had his two best friends flown in from Switzerland and San Francisco to Toronto. Did a power point presentation to music including all his childhood photos, right through to him with all his kids. I picked the song by Green Day -- Time of Your Life -- because I really thought that he just didn't realize what a great life he had. He was always, ALWAYS complaining. I was so sure he just needed to "see" it up there on a screen and he'd get it. He barely reacted and I felt so deflated. He's told me since I found out about his SA that it just about killed him to watch it so he just numbed himself.
Ya know, sure I was naive (and perhaps a wee bit codependent!), but I was also just someone who trusted people. It never dawns on me that someone might lie to me or tell me one thing and mean something else entirely. I want to figure out a way to keep the good part of that (the "eternal optimist" part) without just being stupid... I wish it was like TV and when the bad guy appears or even if the good guy is about to do something wrong, the music changes. JavaScript:AddSmily('%20%20')


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 30th (Tuesday)

I didn't notice when I was reading the list to the crowd, but saw it on the videotape, my H cried throughout the entire list. He cried when our DD spoke about the little things she loved about her dad.

I look back on that now and wonder how awful he must have felt knowing that his family loved him that way and he was such a lousy POS. I don't think he had any more defenses to "numb" himself at that point. The affairs had been over for about 8 months and he was firmly out of the fog and working at recovery.

And then there it was in front of his face... how much he was loved and needed and appreciated.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 30th (Tuesday)

I kept telling myself, he loved me and he was a good, principled person and I was lucky to have him working so hard.
Oh my gosh YES!!! Here, too. I had this crush on a guy I went to hs with that never really went away. I felt SO guilty that I thought about him, thought fwh deserved better, he worked so hard, etc. FWH blew a fuse when he found out. I never so much as talked to the guy, no contact whatsoever, but that was a problem in fwh's mind, while his secret e-mails and coffee dates and getting to know you surveys and lying to me... well, he insisted for a year or two that if I did that, he 'doesn't know' if it would bother him. But just thinking about another guy would. RIIIIIIIIGHT.

Weepy, fwh has said the same thing: "When would I have time??" He always told me he was taking a nap at the truck pull-over because he was so tired from working all night. Every now and again, he'd drop a story about how he almost fell asleep at the wheel, or jolted awake. He had me feeling guilty for ever questioning anything. I am painfully aware that the naps may have mostly happened and only covered up meeting for coffee, or that they could have covered up daily morning events at her house. There were plenty of hours supposedly taken up by naps each day.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, October 30th (Tuesday)

And I did his BOOKS for his business. At one point the accountant we used told us his business would only qualify as a hobby if his income fell any more... and yet, he was "working" almost every day. He kept telling me it was cash he was "hiding" going to use for Christmas (he was the worst at gift giving) or vacations (which we never took).

I can't count how many times I defended him to his own family. How many times I understood, how much abuse I took, the kids took, how I didn't stand up for me or for them, yet I had HIS back.

Yeah, I get really pissed sometimes.

[This message edited by weepy at 2:45 PM, October 30th (Tuesday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
KAZ48
Member
Member # 16526
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, October 30th (Tuesday)

What can you do when you discover your wife's infidelity, then you do the research and sharing online with other people and resources, then your eyes are opened to clues about affairs from years back.

That's where I am today.


Heavy Heart


Posts: 123 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Alabama
Eternaloptimist
Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 31st (Wednesday)

KAZ48 --
In my case, I found out about an office affair (get this -- she helped me plan my WH's suprise party -- see post above. I had no idea they had slept together...) last December. Husband was instantly devastated, paid the assistant a whole lot of money to go away, we worked at R but I just had that nagging feeling that it just didn't add up. Then one day in June, my WH said something that just seemed so out of character. "There's more..." I said to him. Didn't even ask. I knew... Turns out a whole lot more. An entire marriage's worth of "more". He's a sex addict.
So...trust your gut. Is she being open and honest (or seems to be?)?
To be honest, I don't know how to get someone to admit things when they're not ready, unless you have tangible proof. But I think far too many of us ignore those gut feelings that tell us something's wrong...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 31st (Wednesday)

I found out about an affair from our engagement period on Dday.

Something didn't add up when I first discovered bills he'd paid under someone elses' name. He claimed he was just helping out a neighbor who'd fallen on hard times. Something made me file that in the back of my memory and KEEP the bills.

When things were going well for us (right before Dday in 2005), I shredded them finally. Thinking that it happened before we were married and we were happy, it wouldn't bother me any more.

Wish I hadn't done that... but he confessed he'd dated and slept with her a few times and when she started expecting more (like help with finances) he broke it off... after all he was getting married in 6 months.

The really weird part... she had the same first name as his LTAP. He didn't even remember that. But I did because I'd seen the bills just months prior to Dday.



Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, November 1st (Thursday)

Been reading through these most recent posts.....my WS also was emotionally abusive for years. All during the A years (10) he treated myself and the kids with anger and arrogance.

I found myself always coming behind him and trying to soften the hurt he caused to the kids, saying stuff like "oh, Daddy just had a hard day, ect." I really beat myself up for letting it be that way for years.

It just began so gradually, even thought I knew something was wrong with the way he treated us, (friends would tell me so) I just kept excusing it.

Now he seems so remorseful and is going to counseling and bible study....he seems to be a changed man.

My biggest problem is I just don't trust the change......I am so afraid it is not real. How do you ever feel safe after so many betrayals and so many years of lying.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
Eternaloptimist
Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, November 1st (Thursday)

Cleo,

I don't know how to trust again after an entire relationship's worth of lying. I don't know if you ever do. My WH keeps saying how much he loves me and how he feels closer to me than ever before. I guess those days of blindly trusting are over. I can hope he'll make better choices in the future...but can never really know what he -- or anyone -- will actually do.
I used to think I could "guarantee" fidelity by asking for it. I never believed someone, let alone my husband, would be able to lie to my face. When he wanted us to start a family, I said to him that I would never bring a child into a relationship that hadn't cemented their love with the promise that they would never jeopardize it. I said to him -- and I quote -- "we will undoubtedly face temptation in our relationship. Of course, there will be people we'll be attracted to. But before either of us does anything, let's promise that we'll get counselling or whatever it takes to ensure our marriage stays on track. If it can't be saved, then we'll know we did what we could."
He thought that was a simply splendid plan. Little did I know he had already had any number of ONS. He says now that he hoped a child would change how he acted. Three kids later, nothing had changed except my abdomen now looks like I hide marbles in it.
Sigh...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, November 1st (Thursday)

When he wanted us to start a family, I said to him that I would never bring a child into a relationship that hadn't cemented their love with the promise that they would never jeopardize it.

EO, I did the same thing. We waited 6 years before deciding to have kids. My parents' marriage had broken up just prior to our getting engaged and I told him flat out that I would NOT do that to a child, that he better be 110% sure he wanted to be married and have that child.

At the time, he did. I don't think he ever entertained any idea of cheating on me once we were married. I do believe he was 100% faithful and happy for the first 14 years of our marriage. I believe year 15 did him in.

My H thought throwing himself into a new home and remodeling project would help him stay out of trouble and for him it did help... the money was tight and his time was constrained somewhat. But he didn't stop until after we'd actually moved into the house. And the "project" took months longer than it should have... his way of dragging his feet on ending the affairs.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
sunflower18
New Member
Member # 15551
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, November 7th (Wednesday)

When i read about all of your throwing your husbands surprise parties - i thought of mine. i did the same thing! also- the one i planned at his office, his first OW helped me plan it! i want to kill her now for using me.

the party i had in my house for his 50th- i had invited 2 of his OW with their husbands because we were friends with them as couples! i feel sick now thinking about it.

the compartmentalization is so real. it is sick - but real.

as i said before- my H hates the old him and wants to recreate himself, but it is soooooo hard for me. i also think of all the times i was abondonded with my kids when he went on his conventions to meet his slut, or to a meeting to meet another slut.

the hardest part is realizing that i was an ENABLER!!! i centered my life around him and allowed him to treat me like shit. NO MORE.


dr. phil says "we teach people how to treat us". wow- that hit me like a ton of bricks- in a good way. i will no longer stand for being treated with disrespect by my H.

last saturday night he wanted to watch a movie with me, and i noticed that he had nodded off- as he always has in the past. i woke him up and said that if he fell asleep one more time, i would not watch the movie with him. he DID fall asleep again, and i left the room. he begged me to come back, but i did NOT. i will no longer be an enabler! i am free.

now - the big question- i am 3 months out from d-day, and have no feelings of respect, or love for him, or any desire to hug or kiss him. i see his whole life with me and the kids as one big lie. what are you ladies doing about those feelings???


Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
Eternaloptimist
Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, November 7th (Wednesday)

Sunflower,
I'm struggling with what do I do about it. My marriage seems completely meaningless. What I would like to do -- and I just told WH this last night -- is get a quite, discreet divorce. I probably sound completely wacked, but I just want to get rid of the "marriage" and create a new relationship based on a promise (a sincere one would be nice!) that we're committed to each other and to our family. The idea of staying in a "marriage" that isn't worth the damned certificate we got, seems like such a charade. My WH freaked -- started telling me I'll lose my benefits (ie. dental, etc. through his work). I can't imagine it would be that big a deal -- a will would sort out issues with the kids and common-law would sort out the rest. All I need from him is a signed affadavit that he committed adultery.
Anyway, maybe it's crazy, but I feel such relief when I imagine it. Our relationship would feel like we truly could start over under completely different terms. I also feel like I'd have some power back -- I've felt very powerless through all this. Like I've just "accepted" it.
If he won't agree, I guess I'll come up with Plan B...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, November 7th (Wednesday)

have no feelings of respect, or love for him, or any desire to hug or kiss him. i see his whole life with me and the kids as one big lie. what are you ladies doing about those feelings???

I don't have much in those feeling departments either. And at 3 mo. I could barely stand the sight of him. I'd often ask him how he could bear to be in the same room with me -- a constant reminder of the pain he'd brought me. He said he was staying, period.

The fact that he withstood almost a full year of rage and accusations and fits and me walking out. I really, really abused the guy... well, that proved to me he was committed and got him a little respect back. That he finally started to go to IC and make some changes in the way he handled situations, that earned him a little respect.

But as far as jugement, or making decisions or his opinions.... nah, he's still a complete idiot in my eyes.

Our MC told us last week that marriages have difficulties, all of them. But if they are based in love, mutual respect and trust, then anything can be fixed. Well, he trusts me and loves me, but I don't feel he even still, even now respects me. And I have barely love for him now. Not too solid a foundation.

But it IS better than it was at 3 mo, 6 mo, even 18 mo.

I look at what we're doing now as starting over. I just thought the other day that he has 2 years of being faithful to me under his belt. I've been with him for 32, but he's only getting credit for 2, now that's sad.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
woundedspouse
Member
Member # 16657
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, November 7th (Wednesday)

Arrogant? OHHHHH, yeah! Funny, because there's this incredible lack of self worth, and yet arrogance all at once. He could do no wrong.

Man could this be WH. SO many of your stories are like mine.

I just found out more tonight, but he says it doesn't count that he bought condoms to sleep with a co worker, because it never happened. NOthing physical ever did. They shared after hours phone calls and a ONLY neck rubs at the office. A few lunches and shared rides for business trips, but it doesn't count, because he did nto use them.

I say the intent was there. I say he did not have the opportunity. I say I had to FIND OUT rather than him tell me.

IT all addas up to another AP of sorts?

If so, it makes 4.

I am not sure I can continue with R.

Wounded


Wounded Spouse
ME - 41 BS
HIM 51 WS
Married 2/93 3 beautiful children
DDay #1 8-26-07 DDay #2 11-8-07 DDAy #3 12-23-07 DDay #?! 7-2-07
"If you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: "I came to live out loud."

Posts: 1381 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: midwest,
dwells31
New Member
Member # 16654
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, November 8th (Thursday)

I'm in the other boat of military affairs. I managed to stay faithful through 3 wars, 2 yr long deployments, and an assload of training exercises. In the past 3 months, I've learned of 11 different affairs and think we've only seen the tip of the iceberg. I know or knew all 11. Still married because I'm numb right now and don't know what the hell to do. MC is slow and all concerned are looking for a personality disorder that fits. Wonder if there is one that fits for massive denial on my part? Thanks for posting. You guys do help me alot.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2007
Eternaloptimist
Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, November 9th (Friday)

Wonder if there is one that fits for massive denial on my part?

You want to hear massive denial? I found a novel I started to write about three years ago...after my husband and his work AP had a fling, but before the full-blown affair started. In it, I wrote about a woman who had just discovered her husband was having an affair with his assistant. I just found the pages I'd written a few weeks ago. My blood ran cold, the hair on my neck stood up. All I could think was "I knew all along..."


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
DEJC68
Member
Member # 16862
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, November 9th (Friday)

My H has had 2 A's this year. He got sloppy and caught. I am not sure what else if anything has been done in the past 9 years of "togetherness" :(


Age:(BS) 39
Age:(WH)35
Children: 2 girls, one age 20 and one age 4.
Status: 9 years together, 8 years married.
Quote: "Some days it's not worth chewing through the restraints!"

Posts: 106 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: East Coast
sunflower18
New Member
Member # 15551
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, November 16th (Friday)

My FWH and i are IC, and he is learning to put my healing above his own feelings. It is a slow process and takes him a long time to get it. After being a narcissit for his whole life, he finds it hard to think of another person before himself. Our therapist told him that his mantra should be "Whatever it takes to help you heal"- even if it means painting a sign and hanging it in front of our house.

Here's my questions- Do any of you get negative reactions from your WS, when you tell someone else about the adultery? I recently told my cousin who i hadnt seen since d-day, and my husband was upset and said "YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDNT TELL ANYONE". i became furious- telling me about promises when he had broken every promise he ever made to me. he was really only thinking about himself and his own embaressment - not my healing.

Also- now my cousins think that I am sicker than him for staying married to him!!!! they dont want him to come to their houses anymore, as they feel that now that they know, they are condoning his behavior. Any of have this kind of experience???


Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
Hope-full
Member
Member # 17044
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, November 16th (Friday)

Hi ther all, I, like you guys fit in here too. I have been reading a lot. The past two years have been very interesting. I have to figure out how to do a quick bio but until then, here it goes. (Just the essentials)

high school sweethearts - prom and all
he followed me to college. he did better than extremely well.
married 11/1994 veterans day, we studied for midterms

2/14/1996 had ultrasound of 1st baby
2/15/1996 1st D day with sst.(#1) Full blown relationship, P and E
7/4/96 1st child (mad the entire pregnancy)

5/early/1998 find out about A that happened in 7/1997(#3) and he was still corresponding with sst(#1)

5/1998 graduation
7/1998 I'm not relocating with you -Please come with me -OK
11/1998 I'm not "In Love with you anymore"OK, I'm gone
4/1999 Lets work it out - OK
3/2000 Baby #2
12/2001 Baby #3
5/2002 D-day with girl(#5)
6/2005 family relocates again
I'm pregnant with Baby#4
11/05 H dxed with BP and manic for 6 months

12/30/05 left me for another girl. this time, EVERYONE knew, he was too ill to hide the fact. Trust me, the details are ill. He brought this one in my house when I was visiting family. A with srb(#6)

1/05 Manic D-Day
On a sunday morn. H decided to tell me about all the affairs girl s(#2)fall 1997? , girl s (#4)fall/winter 1998-99 (in his mania he said he was in love with her ?)

2/06 2 ONS (I won't even count them)there is enough already

More A's-likely

Inbetween there is a lot of dysfunctin on both of our parts but the out side looks pretty nice, pretty people with picket fences, ya'know

5/2006 He began R for Alcohol and BP doing really well with that. Sex addiction is harder to wrap your mind around, iguess
I attend lots of 12-step and even COSA.

Today, well our 13th wedding ann and HE's really excited. Me well, whatever, one day at a time, right.
He even got gifts and made reservations. Big deal for him. I'm impressed. He's on his way home form work which is far away and we haven't seen him for a while. He calls to let me know how he's looking fwd to the evening and that he will be home shortly. OK His phe calls the house accidentially and I can hear, "Let's hear it for Tina -OHHH". Now what "Tina" would be getting handclaps at 3pm in the afternoon? I call the phone, he doesn't pick up, I tell him that I understand that he's too busy to take the call for I know where he is. He shows later with roses and a pitiful face. He said he understood if I did not want to be around him. I went anyway, I'm not going to let your stupid choices ruin a great night. Me going and looking beautiful was eating him up. He actually wanted to talk about it. I told him, not till you talk to your sponsor.

I know I deserve better. Am I a woman with a few plans in her sleve, yeah, this domestic goddess ain't as stupid as she looks. I don't know but I'm paying attention. People that have been married 50 + yrs have gone thru a lot but serial adultury is abusive. Thanks for listening. I hope you were able to follow along. Hell I'm confused now.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Tx
Eternaloptimist
Member
Member # 15029
Helpless  Posted: 7:03 PM, November 17th (Saturday)

Hope-full,
Sorry for all you've gone through. I've got three kids myself and a SA husband. I never had a clue. Can't imagine how you can function knowing. You're right -- it is abusive. We all deserve more respect than this...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
msbhaven
Member
Member # 16780
Helpless  Posted: 4:15 PM, December 7th (Friday)

I've been lurking for a while now, but haven't posted a thread or my story. Wouldn't even know where to start.

I'm posting on this thread because I can definitely relate. My WH has had multiple affairs, and from what I can gather it's been from day one and we've been together for 19 years and married for 15.

I've found emails and texts from various women. He says they are just friends and that I need to stop reading more into them than there is.

Believe you me, I have plenty of conversation with him as to why even chatting with women is cheating, though I know from emails he's had PAs. I tell him how disrespectful it is to me and to our marriage. But he won't admit to anything; even with the emails I've showed him. The affairs make me sick, but the lie that is between us is killing our marriage. But he doesn't want to talk about it because he keeps to his story that he loves me and that nothing has ever happened.


BS: Me, 42
WH: Him, 37
Married 15 years, together 19
DDAY1 - 11/2006
DDAY2 - 2/12/2008
Status: Still in the dark because he won't admit anything.
DS: 17
DD#1: 15
DD#2: 5

Posts: 110 | Registered: Oct 2007
Betrayed74
Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, December 7th (Friday)

Yeah, my ex-WS refused to admit that anything was happening the million and one times I was very uncomfortable with conversations with 'just friends' I overheard, emails I read, text messages I read and voicemails I overheard.

Even up until near the very end, he was refusing to admit that OW was anything more than a friend. When he DID admit it, I kicked his ass out.

He was so good at making me feel crazy that he worked it so that he could go out to the bars any time and with whomever he pleased--otherwise I was 'controlling' him, I was 'jealous' and 'unevolved'.

I was SUCH an idiot (in retrospect). The last day he was at the house before he moved out to go be with his most current OW, I learned the truth about 4 affairs...but I know there were more and I know he downplayed those he did admit to as well.

Your husband is lying to you. I'd bet a lot of money on it. I'm so sorry!!! ((((HUGS))))


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
So Naive
Member
Member # 5220
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, December 8th (Saturday)

FWS is a serial cheater. Many affairs and even more attempts at affairs, on over 10 dating sites and AFF. All of this while we were dating and living together. Shopped for girlfriends at work, online, and by mining old acqaintances.

Almost left me for the last slag, with a dramatic buildup to a spectacular d-day. On some level, he loved the drama.

We're almost 4 years out from d-day.

PROBLEM IS, that he is just like so many of the descriptions I've read in this thread. Nothing special about him! Can't remember, doesn't know, needs to move on, had an EPIPHANY after I caught him.

The KING of conflict avoiders.
Selfish, self-centered phony "nice guy". Disastrous first marriage involving guess what? Serial cheating and conflict avoidance. Horrible grown daughters from that marriage, lazy, greedy and self-centered.

Wimpy in his family and business life, he has expressed his rebelliousness through cheating. "I'll show you!", his behavior seems to say.

Of course, this guy doesn't begin to understand why he is this way. The very nature of his problem makes it virtually impossible to examine it.

Like so many WS's, he thinks it's all in the past. However, he is STILL secretive. He STILL witholds information on any topic that would spark uncomfortable conversation. He STILL wimps out with his ex-wife, children and and daddy, playing the role of passive little boy while they run roughshod over him.

He can't fathom that his behavior is actually very destructive.
sn


Posts: 1486 | Registered: Aug 2004 | From: northeast
raveyne
New Member
Member # 17499
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday)

I have been reading these posts and I am so confused about my situation. My husband has confessed to 4 affairs. We have been together 5 years and married 3 years. The first affair started the week before we got married!!! He has been on AFF and several other adult sites. I caught him chatting on an adult site 3 months into us dating and we broke up. (In retrospect this should have been a clue). The second time I caught him chatting was in Jan 07 and then in Sep caught him in a full blown affair and he took two months before he decided to reconcile with me. He says that he has now turned his life over to God and loves me more than anything. He confessed to the 4 PA because he wanted to be honest and have a clean slate. He said he didnt feel worthy of me and suffered from low self-esteem. We have been trying to reconcile for 1 month and things seem to be going well but there are times when I am like WTF?? I thought we were happy and I thought I was a good wife to him. I dont feel like I am enough. He says I am the only woman he ever cheated on, which makes me wonder if I am just not the one for him. I am so confused and torn and I cant think of our past without wondering if any of it was real. He says he wants to start all over, but part of me says for what? The OW in the last PA which ended lasted 2 mos and ended in Nov is apparently still in love with him even though she is married. He says he is done and I have no way to verify if that is true. I saw the NC but she kept emailing after that even though he refuses to respond. Am I stupid for staying?


Wow! Bruised but not broken.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2007
Eternaloptimist
Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday)

I don't think you're stupid for staying at all. But I do think you need some concrete proof that he is giving up his serial cheating ways. My WH is a sex addict -- has cheated on me since before we were married (close to 13 years). I just found out six months ago -- hadn't a clue. And I've been completely mired in the "what's wrong with me" trap. In just the past few days I'm seeing my way clear of it. There's NOTHING wrong with me. Our marriage had its issues -- but he clearly had a whole lot more. Sounds like your husband is tentatively stepping toward recovery. But it's not as simple as "finding God" -- he needs to do some pretty hard work now to find out why he did what he did and what he plans to do next time he's tempted. I'd say IC is a definite must...and a support group (SAA, etc.) certainly wouldn't hurt.
And you need to stop looking at yourself as "wrong" (I know...I need to take my own advice). You were honest, trusting, faithful, forgiving...doesn't sound like such a bad package. You need to ask yourself, however, how you can be that good a friend to yourself now.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday)

Getting out of the "I must not be good enough" mire is a killer. I've turned it around.

H

e says I am the only woman he ever cheated on

Maybe you were the only woman he felt he didn't "deserve". A lot of these men have terrible self esteem issues. My H never even cheated on his OW with the prostitutes. Said they were "exclusive" during that time. Of course, she was HIM, he was perfectly comfortable in her presence and with her as a sex partner.

It was only when he was home with me, the good, caring, faithful wife that he felt like a POS and ran back to her to feel better. Nothing like a POS that's worse than you to make you feel better.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
raveyne
New Member
Member # 17499
Content  Posted: 8:51 AM, January 3rd (Thursday)

Thank you weepy and eternaloptimist. I needed to hear that. I love my husband and we are in counseling. He is trying really hard and I am learning he has some serious self esteem and father issues so I want to be there for him; but sometimes I wonder who this person is that I am becoming and who this person that I am married to is. I like myself and I was happy with myself. I can own my responsibility for things that were wrong in the marriage but not for his choices on how to cope with those issues. I am so cautious because I am a religious person so it is hard to argue with "I found God". Thanks again for all your words.


Wow! Bruised but not broken.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2007
lostsahm
Member
Member # 17136
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)

I also wonder if I am stupid for staying. sigh. I see WH and me in so many of these posts. He also started lying young. And has mentioned to both IC and MC that part of it was ego stroking. Geeze, I would have stroked his ego and more if he had just let me know.

We were just talking about having another baby. It obviously seems like bad timing now.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.


"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 834 | Registered: Nov 2007
Eternaloptimist
Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

Hey Weepy,

Can you offer up your secrets on "turning it around?" I have days when it seems so clear -- of course it isn't about me. But many more days, especially lately, when I can't believe that it's NOT about me. How do you get past that? How do you get to a place where you can put the past in the past and stop using it as a crystal ball for the future?


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, January 6th (Sunday)

It's hard to do that since my H lied about everything, not just his women. I found out after Dday that he had lied to me about why he graduated high school a year late. He told me it was because his private school credits didn't transfer and he was set back a year. Turns out, at 16 he ran away from home and moved in with his Gf. He essentially dropped out of school for almost a year. I asked him why he lost that year again after Dday and he told me to ask his mother. I did, she told me the true story.

So, how do I turn it around. I got to IC and she keeps reminding me that HE's screwed up, not me. That all the anger, all the lies are about him hating himself and creating another person. That he gets angry and pushes me away when I get too close because he fears that if ANYONE knows who he really is, NO ONE will want to be around him. He thinks he's that horrible.

I used to think he was like a candy with a hard shell, protecting his soft center. That might be true. He might be the biggest wimp on earth, but feels he has to hide it.

It helps that I see that soft center now and again to remind me that I'm on the right track knowing it's him with the issues.

I'm not saying I don't get down. I do, did this morning after sex, wondering how long before he craved something new again. I mean he's never going to start to have sex with me and find a couple of double Ds under that shirt, or a coiffed snatch or a special talent. He's seen everything, I've done everything I know. I worry that it won't be enough forever. But then I move on to what I can do, what a good person I am, how much my kids love and need me and his issues seem so less important.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Eternaloptimist
Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, January 7th (Monday)

Thanks Weepy! Good advice -- and all so true in my case too.
Thanks also for the giggle. I too imagine these "porn star" women (and men, for that matter) with enormous breasts and plenty of tricks. However, I try to believe my WH when he says that it's different with me because he actually cares if I'm enjoying myself -- that he's focussed on me, not just himself. Also helps when he cries...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, January 14th (Monday)

He was so good at making me feel crazy that he worked it so that he could go out to the bars any time and with whomever he pleased--otherwise I was 'controlling' him,

EXACTLY what he was doing to me! It is so good to hear that I'm not the only one who fell victim. He called me controlling a couple of times, let me know 'even his sister noticed' and I never again expected or demanded anything of him, for fear he was going around bad-mouthing me even more to his family, friends, and co-workers.

In our case, he didn't go to bars as far as I know, but he came home at any and all hours of the day (he worked nights and had a long commute) with the story that he was so exhausted he pulled over and took a nap in the car. Every once in awhile, he'd tell me a story about falling asleep at the wheel or spinning out across a crowded highway and the miracle nobody hit him. I wonder if any of those ever happened, or if they just kept me feeling guity about how hard he worked while he was actually having coffee and perhaps a lot more with ow2 during those years.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, January 14th (Monday)

Every once in awhile, he'd tell me a story about falling asleep at the wheel or spinning out across a crowded highway and the miracle nobody hit him. I wonder if any of those ever happened,

I hear you Capri. Anything to make us feel "worried" or concerned about them. That's part of the trap... they get to play 'victim' while victimizing.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, January 14th (Monday)

I can't tell you how I always felt so bad for him, working so hard all night, being so tired, never getting enough sleep. And when he came home late, it was not just the naps, but, "Look, I went to the grocery store for you, and I filled the gas tank for you, and I did this, that, and the other for you."

The statment has been made on this forum that if there's opportunity, you can pretty much assume there was a PA. I hesitate because he was raised in Ireland in a social climate more like the 50's in the States. Maybe for him, that actually kept him from the worst? But the fact is, it will always haunt me, wondering if it was meeting for coffee as he finally admitted to, or if he was actually going home with her and having that nap in her bed, rather than at the truck stop.

He'd call me saying he was at the truck stop, 30 minutes from home, and it would still take him another 2-1/2 hours to actually get home.

I feel so stupid saying I believed him now, but my mom would say things like, "Are you pleasant to come home to? Maybe that's why he's not coming home." Or she'd say, "I've been with him when it takes him three hours to get a gallon of milk. We all know that's the way he is." And he is-- he almost always takes the kids with him these days, and it still takes him three hours to get a gallon of milk.

It kills me not knowing what end of the spectrum he's really capable of.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 14th (Monday)

Capri, my H's failure to tell me everything has resulted in my "deciding" what happened. then he gets mad when I "get it wrong."

Yeah, my H was a "it takes him 2 hours to do everything" too kind of guy. But his OW lived 5 minutes from home, so every half hour he was missing COULD have been spent with her. He says no, but from the other thread, you know that he'll protect himself to his death.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 14th (Monday)

Weepy, it's shocking... and yet...NOT... how alike all these guys are!

Yes, mine is the same way: he lies, lies, lies, lies, and then is all indignant if I get the story wrong. Up till about 5 or 6 years ago, he could still get me with that. I'd leave every conversation feeling like a complete fool because I'd once again 'screwed up.' I finally started keeping notes-- isn't that sad when you have to keep notes on your spouse just to reassure yourself of your own sanity?--and figured out what he was doing, both changing the story and that he never gave me the right or the complete information, anyway.

I have pointed out to him in clear terms that he is doing this and it's his own darn fault at this point if I can't get the story right based on half- and untrue- information, and neither could he. So far, he's just ignored that and not answered.

I believe mine will also carry his secrets, whether that's more or longer coffee dates than he's admitted to or torrid sex and a few more children, to his grave.

It's good to hear from other people that the same exact thing is being done to them.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, January 14th (Monday)

cap, nope, I threatened H that I was going to leave the VAR on all the time so I couldn't "misinterpret" what he said any more.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
katiej
Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday)

Just curious, did any of your FWH's/WH's have a good relationship with their fathers?

Mine didn't and I have read that others didn't as well.


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007
samy.singh70
New Member
Member # 18017
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, February 1st (Friday)

Dear All,
I would like to present here a story of a woman whom I know since the past 1 year. She is married, smart, intelligent and offcourse beautiful also. Any man would fall for her. I too am married but not very happy on the physical front. Probably that was the reason why I got connected to that woman through online chat though we are in the same city. With time our interactions increased and were reaching a stage where we could have indulged in a physical relationship till I had this change of heart towards her. I fell in love and instead started counselling her to identify her problems and live happily with her husband and family. But she made a turnaround and started indulging in multiple relationships with two other males. Quite some time has passed by and she also admits feeling frustrated of all this but somehow is not able to come out of it. The problem is that though her demands are very physical in nature she is not able to admit it in front of her male partners which results in more frustration for all of them. I being a neutral spectator am able to understand her apathy but all my guidance goes in vain because when she has those so called sexual urges she is unable to control herself. I do not want to see her in so much distress but am unable to help her come out of all this. Can anyone suggest something on the future course of action. I have joined this forum with a lot of expectation and hope that we all collectively can share our griefs and happiness which will enable us to become better persons. Please respond ASAP
Thanks!!

Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: India
Rippedtoshreds
Member
Member # 17955
Sad  Posted: 1:43 AM, February 4th (Monday)

I can relate here.

My WW had 40+ inappropriate encounters with 14 different men spanning over 3 years. She used an Adult online dating service to find guys to meet her on her lunch hour, or wherever for brief encounters.It is so sad to think back on the times she was going shopping and it just took a little longer, or the times she cut class at night to have an affair. It makes me ill thinking about how hard it will be to ever trust her out of my sight again.


Me: BS
Her: SAWW 30 Men/ 80 encounters / 7 years
Kids: 9 yrs
Married 11 Years
Round 1:
DD1- 1/8/08
DD2 - 2/8/08
Reconciled
Polygraph - Best $200 ever spent

Round 2:
DD1 - 1/30/11
Trying to recover


Posts: 216 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Middle america
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)

>>Did your WS have a good relationship with his father?

Interesting question. FWH really had very little relationship at all with his father, because he worked on a tanker many months out of every year. He was a drunk when he was home, though H says it was more of the "Will he embarrass me" type than anything violent. His father died a couple of years ago, and all he's really said to me about it is to occasionally say he's a little concerned because he really hasn't felt any grief yet. I know he'd say he loved his father, though.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)

ripped, I understand completely. The effort, the intrique all directed outward instead of inward.

Had the exact same thing... but he COULD spend 3 hours in Home Depot, so I was never the wiser either. He always had a plausible excuse. No red flags for years.

How's your wife behaving these days?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Rippedtoshreds
Member
Member # 17955
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)

<weepy> She is pretty awesome through it all. We are almost through our first month and she hasn't wavered. Not one ounce of deflection, completely transparent. Changed the phone number, canceled the accounts, dropped email, and some days she looks worse than i do when we are talking for hours.

I see what toll this is having on her and i admire her strength for enduring this. It isn't easy on me in anyway shape or form. A lot of what we have worked through is uncovering details to even her so as establish the timelines, it is really hard for her to see the whole picture instead of the day to day. She had deluded herself.

Today was a very easy day so it is easy for me to sound optimistic.... tomorrow I might answer this differently though.

[This message edited by Rippedtoshreds at 9:55 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS
Her: SAWW 30 Men/ 80 encounters / 7 years
Kids: 9 yrs
Married 11 Years
Round 1:
DD1- 1/8/08
DD2 - 2/8/08
Reconciled
Polygraph - Best $200 ever spent

Round 2:
DD1 - 1/30/11
Trying to recover


Posts: 216 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Middle america
lostanddelirious
Member
Member # 17960
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)

Sadly, I belong here too! I know of 6, 1 longterm EA and PA and 5 other PA's all within a year and 1/2. I'm sure there are many more than that, but he deleted his email account before I could read anymore. He had some 4900 emails on the account!! It sucks that we have to be here!!


BS - 35 (me)
WS - 36
Dday 10/22/07
Married - 10 years, together 20 years.
4 beautiful children age:
14, 9, 7 & 6

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: NH
up&down
Member
Member # 10098
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, February 21st (Thursday)

Yep...I'm right there with ya'!!!

You can read my SI Journal for specifices, But *He* (FWH) has admitted to 4 PA's.
Of course, I caught him red-handed in Nov of 2005, and *He* then confessed to 3 more back in the latter months of 1997.

We have been working on R, for about 1 1/2 years, He spent about 10 months in the "FOG", and on several occasions I was ready to walk, but too stupid to *just give it up and walk out on Him*.

So now that all the Drama has settled, and things seem to be getting back to normal...I guess I expect him to do a little introspection on himself, and work on the why- it happened to begin with. Which he has never attempted to figure out.

I very much feel that I deserve better, I feel that he has done the absolute bare minimum to get past this, has done very little actually in helping *MY* healing, and has managed to sweep the rest under the rug. The few questions I actually was able to ask, *he* answered, I think, as honestly as he could. But I really got very few of my questions answered, most of the time, he would just change the subject.

And I can so relate to the Arrogant attitude...I made him leave at one point, and that's when I saw the *Arrogance*, He was mean, cruel, and arrogant.

Anyway, it's nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks.


BS-ME,45;FWS-52,OW-39
D-day Nov.24 2005 M-13 together-18
He left that morning(went to his mom's) and came back home Friday night, at which time he admitted to 3 PA (nearly 10 yrs ago), In addition to this one

Posts: 547 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Tennessee
katiej
Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)

capri,
the reason I asked about the relationship with the father is because it is after FWH's father died that FWH began the online porn, chats, EA's, PA's etc.

After IC, he believes that once his father died, he realized that their relationship could be better than it was. That is was too late. And IC feels he was in depression. He also never really grieved or cried. That is, until after IC when they delved into his past.

I'm sure this isn't the whole reason for the A's but it is part of a sick story.

I fit on so many of these I Can Relate forums - multiples, SA, online/chatting, etc., etc.

Can we really heal???


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007
11help11
Member
Member # 17939
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, February 27th (Wednesday)

I just found out yesterday that I belong on the Multiple AP list. ugh!!!


BS/32
Her 26
OM 38 PA abused her(6 sexual epis.)
All within four months.
OM 18 PA ONS
OM 26 PA sex twice

Two boys

"The worst vice is advice". Al Pacino


Posts: 557 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: spinning my wheels all over
copingdaybyday
Member
Member # 18174
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Well, you can add me too. My WH fooled around with a woman just after we started dating, confessed to it 6 mo. in to our marriage. After we got married, he kissed or made out with 3 other women (one of which was my best friend) and lastly had a very short EA with an old friend from high school. I caught that one very early on, but have no doubt it would have blossomed in to a PA. He never had sex with any of these women, but it hurts just the same.

Although we're in R and it's going very well (and for the first time in many months I actually feel like we're on the same page), I still ask myself now and then why I forgave him so many times.

[This message edited by copingdaybyday at 11:56 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]


BS: 28 (Me)
WH: 29
D-day (last of several): Nov, 2007
One beautiful son: 22 months old
Reconciling, going very well.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Michigan
395239
Member
Member # 10546
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I feel like a fool every day for staying. My WH has had at least 5 LT PAs during our 13-year marriage that I know about and many more inappropriate friendships and flirtations. Since D-day, as far as I know, he's been entirely faithful but I've become this paranoid, snooping person who I hate. Our marriage, which I once thought was great, is now flat and lifeless but I'm terrified of leaving and being alone for the rest of my life. I'm so angry that my life, that I thought was so great, has turned out like this. I hate this!!!


Me: BS 42
Him: WS 45
Married: 17 years; together 22 years
D-day: 4/7/2006

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Belgium
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Still here 395?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
lmwk123
Member
Member # 15229
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Still waiting on answers to how many there really were.. I can only confirm 2 but I know in my heart there were more but of course, he won't confess to any that I don't know about. It hurts, because I just want the truth for once in our life together. How hard is that anyway??


A- 11/06-5/07
I believe more A's throughout
3 kids
together 16 yrs

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
Life is a test.


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2007
gracee
Member
Member # 18310
Question  Posted: 2:40 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

My WS had two women over a period of six months. He slept with one, four times. The OW he slept with one time. He would travel to a neighboring state once or twice a month.

He confessed a year after the last encounter. It has been three years this May since the first incident of infidelity and two years this September since I was told.

I am still up and down and sad and crazy. He called a number on my phone he was unfamiliar with and then hung up. He did this twice. When my male cousin told me this happened to him from my phone, I confronted the WS. He denied it three times, before admitting he did it. He said he should not have been checking up on me and did not want me to know he was.

Why is he checking up on me? I did not cheat! I am not cheating! I wonder if he is still cheating, so that is why he is checking my phone.

He does not work at the same place he did when the affairs happened.


ME- BW
Him- FWH

Posts: 1132 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: USA
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

My H does not snoop on me at all. I think he figures he's treating me the way I should be treating him, with absolute unconditional trust.

Well, leaving his last job, I find a bunch of phone numbers of employees from that firm.... only one female and both numbers are her private home and cell numbers.

I had to confront him on that and although he had a good "excuse", it's still inappropriate, but he doesn't see it that way. Of course if he found only one male phone number in my book and it was a home and cell from my last employer....

But no, my boundaries are in tact and I only have their work extensions... the people I still care to talk to and then, it will only be on business or computer assistance.

I have no need to rack up male friend conquests. You bet I'm going to be monitoring the call list too.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
ispyonyou
Member
Member # 18478
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)

I just added my name to the double betrayal thread and now I realize I can add my name here too! My a$$hole WH had 6 OW with whom he had an EA/PA with best friend and the rest EA(some very sexually innappropiate TM's and phone calls) with the rest. All of this running concurrently for three years some lasting less than 6mos. I am still struggling with this. I am 6 weeks from DDAY.


BS DDAY Feb08 " ...I faced it all and I stood tall; and did it my way..."

Posts: 129 | Registered: Mar 2008
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 7th (Monday)

So many broken hearts here.

I'm 21 days in from D-Day, 22 years happily monogamous, which is more than WH can say now. And he claims that that is one of his biggest regrets, that he doesn't get to say that.

He has major issues due to sexual abuse when he was merely very small (how do people survive that?), and he chose to bury the hurt by having countless meaningless sexual encounters over the years.

Big cry for help this year by seeing someone right under my nose before being outed by the OW, but not before they had sex in the back yard of the house we're about to move into...

She was *extremely* miffed when he refused to leave me for her... I guess I should be flattered.

Classic madonna/whore stuff. It's like somebody dropped an A-bomb into my nice life.

Where do you begin to heal the hurt?

[This message edited by FaithFool at 5:34 PM, July 7th (Monday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16635 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

I can relate here.

Multiple EA and PA from when we started dating exclusively to when we got married. My H revealed all last year in one fel swoop.

He is bi-polar but that is not the reason he cheated. The roots of his multiple affairs: selfishness and low self-esteem.

What makes all his multiple betrayals doubly hard is that he is my first kiss (I've never been with anyone else but him) and he had not considered me his best friend throughout those years (while he was mine and he knows this).

We're in R and both doing good so far. He's even confessed to our church and is accepting of all consequences of his actions. He just wants it done right and done within a couple of years before our child remembers anything (we may tell our child later on when she starts dating). He wants to be remembered as a good father and a good husband, the new person he's been working hard to be one.

I feel lucky and unlucky at the same time for having him as my H. But it's been less than a year and I need to give myself time. I have to focus also on my spirituality and health to fight off the HPV I got from him.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
criedalot
Member
Member # 12864
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

***sigh*** My WH has had 3 A's. 1 11yrs younger, assistant...2nd 8 yrs older, our realtor...3rd 8 yrs younger Sunday school teacher. All OW are married too. Said that he knew that there would be no commitment with them. Compares himself to Frank Sinatra, Tony Saprano...said that it's what Latin guys do...it's what they are taught. I remember the gifts, he said the customer gave them to him. One of the OW who I knew used to give me gifts too. I guess that was her way of thanking me for the use of my WH. Imagine walking around the office with WS and OW and even going to lunches together, we were on a team...the WHOLE time they knew what they had done!!!


Me, BS: 39
HIM, WS: 38
Married 13 yrs.
3 Beautiful Children, 13,9 and 11mths.

Breathed Again!! 07/09/2008
Filed for D 08/01/2008 MY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Back In Control Of My Life...Life's Too SHORT! :)

"He doesn't give you what you


Posts: 175 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Northern Georgia
Onceuponatime
New Member
Member # 19963
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 11th (Friday)

I guess I belong here too......My Ex Husband had a affairs with atleast 2 different women I can CONFIRM of....the first A went on for I don't know how long...long enought to have 3 OC by her. I tried to sweep the first 2 under the rug and think everything was going to work out. I guess I was just silly to think if he was sleeoing with someone else with no protection that it was going to stop. Well, needless to say my Ex H got incareted and while there HE asked for a D and I slowly agreed. Well, I must admit GOD works in mysterous ways to show you that you are doing the right thing. 2 days before D was final, I found out he had a 3rd by the 1st OW. 1 month after Divorce was final, I foound out he has another OC by some other woman....So a total of 4OC during our marriage. I know don't know what i will ever learn....Lord only knows how many more woman are out there.....

I can now see and say that I hated to get the divorce but I truly believe that I did the right thing.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Chicago
toonice
Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

*sigh*

me too.

First WW affair:
93-95; ex husband raped her, she kept it from me, because she was afraid I'd kill him, then she went back to him for a two year PA (they only were physical twice). She ended the PA, but continued the EA up through at least 5/2008.

Second WW affair:
1999; 2 month EA, ONS with my best friend. I found out right afterwards because I heard that she was over at his house when she said she was at her girlfriend's house - so I hacked into her email account.

That was dday 1.

Third affair:
Sometime about 2003, she was raped by a close family friend, repeatedly - then she continued to go over to his house 2-3 times a week, in response to his continuous, daily, harassing phone calls. She kept all this secret, again, because she was afraid I would kill him if I found out. He threatened to tell me if she didn't keep obeying him.

During this 5 year affair, OM demanded she go on "missions" - to pick up guys, sleep with them, and report back.

4th affair:
WW and OM's W went on an overnight trip; went to a bar, and both picked up guys, and had sex with them in the hotel room.

5th affair:
WW was on a trip to Las Vegas with her girlfriends, and she was asked by OM to pick up a soldier going to Iraq, and give him a "going away present". Then she was to tell him all of the details.

6th affair:
WW was invited to several 3-somes with OM and OM's W. WW decided she didn't want to do that anymore after the first two or three encounters.

7th affair:
WW was asked to go to a local hotel room. I had already gotten suspicious of her behavior, and had tracked her search of the hotel; though I thought it may have been that she was looking for a place for me to stay, because we were fighting, and I was threatening to leave. I went to the hotel on the same day she was there. I don't know if I was there too early, or what. I asked the clerk to tell me what room she was in, but the clerk would not cooperate (even though she used a card in my name to secure the room). In this hotel room, OM had a guy he found from craigslist, and planned a threesome with WW. She did it with the other guy, but OM was unable to perform (he has performance issues).

8th affair:
WW was in another town to take care of a sick family member. OM knew where she was, and found another craigslist man who lived nearby, and engineered a chance encounter, having him pick her up on the road while she had gone jogging. She realized what was going on right away when the guy started hitting on her. He took her to a hotel room, and OM then called them on the phone to listen in. He then requested they send him a video taken from the phone.

The next day, she went out to meet him again, and again, OM demanded telephone contact while WW gave him oral.

These are the only ones to which she confessed. I was suspicious of LTA 3 from the day I met the guy. But I never thought my wife would stoop so low as to be with this loser. For a long time I suspected there was someone else, by her attitude. It was 9/2007 when she confessed to "just friends" with OM; and I demanded MC. As the months went by, I found more and more evidence, and she denied everything, until finally, she did confess to affairs 5 and 6, which were years ago, (and therefore "shouldn't bother me") - at this time, she had already gone NC with OM and all of his friends. She had rejected two more "missions".

There were likely several others that I know that she sent pictures to from her cell phone.

On 6/17/2008; I was pressuring her with evidence of the cell phone bills, and I had called OM #8, who admitted sex with WW. She confessed all that is listed above (3-8). She was very cooperative in relating every detail I asked for. She admits that she has some serious mental issues, and FINALLY agreed to IC. I had been bugging her since A #1, when she started acting strangely.

In 7/2008; I had a court hearing, suing OM #3 for money I lent, and he didn't pay; as well as money he stole.

I won.

[This message edited by toonice at 12:30 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
onceinlove
Member
Member # 19874
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

I belong here.

On June 17, WH confessed to six A's during the past six years--all in one fell swoop.

Four of the APs were administrative employees at the factories he ran. He picked low-life skanky alcoholics (most of whom were older and less attractive than me) who needed to be rescued. The other two were people he picked up--one in a bar and one in the bank drive thru.

So much on this thread applies to me. WH finally confessed after he lost his job (possibly, in part, to the fact that top executives found out about his activities). He said the guilt was killing him. Once he started with the first AP in 2002, he couldn't stop.

I made him draw a bar chart/timeline of all the A's and he did it. It was sickening but he's a quantitative guy who believes he sees patterns when other don't. Too bad he didn't see his own sick pattern of behavior.

It has been almost one month since D-day and he has done everything I said he would have to do in order to R. IC, SLAA meetings, AA meetings, 12 steps with sponsor, NC, complete transparency, etc.

I don't know if I love him or if our R will be successful. I would like it to be but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Plus, the mental movies of him planning, plotting and preparing to be with other women are pure torture. He always complained about having too much to do. What could our marriage have been like if he would have given all that love and devotion to his wife instead of letting it leak out his dick to the APs?

He was an asshole before and is like a different man now--kind, loving, supportive, remorseful, compassionate and willing to do whatever he can to support my healing--but I can't help but wondering if he's faking it. After all, he faked our marriage for 6 years.

And I had no clue what he was doing. I just thought I was giving him "space" by not nagging or complaining or even standing up for myself when he treated me in that cold, abrupt and defensive manner that so many of you describe.

It just makes me sick. I guess it will just take time. While I wait to find out if I can love and trust him again, I will get a post-nup that protects me. This was actually his idea and I'm doing it.

He knows that he will have no more chances. I just hate the fact that I have to be the honesty police. Ugh!

Sending hugs to all...


Him: WH 48
Me:BS 48
M: 17 years
D-Day: June 17, 2008
WH confessed to 6 APs over 6 yrs, including 2 LTAs; now in SA recovery--approaching 2.5 years of sobriety
Status: R


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Southeast US
tryn2survive
Member
Member # 20197
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, July 18th (Friday)

I have been with my fiance for 15 years and he has had multiple A's during this time but only will admit to what I have evidence of. I'm scared to think of how many there really has been... I still cannot bring myself to understand why a person could do this to another person they love. He shows remorse and tells me everyday how much he loves me and always gives me lots of hugs and kisses but is it remorse because he got busted or remorse for what he did to me and our relationship? Why will he not talk about it with me? What is causing him to repeat this kind of behavior? Does he understand how this has affected our relationship? Since discovering the affairs I have had MAJOR trust issues and it has really caused problems. I cannot afford to go to IC so I try to find help from forums and articles online or in books kind of like a self help. I really do hope we can both come to understand why this has happened and move on and better our relationship.


Together 15yrs.
BSO-me-30
WSO-him-32
2 kids- 4 & 8
Dday#1- 01/2001 Multiple PA's
Dday#2- 03/2008 PA
Dday#3- 08/14/2008 EA (still have to verify)
Working on R

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: missouri
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 18th (Friday)

I guess those of us dealing with multiple As are a minority....not too many posts here.

try bein a Man ROUND HERE!
now, that'd be a REAL minority!

not that it's a political season, er nuthin, but hey!

who's the minority leader, anyway?


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 18th (Friday)

now back to page 2, was it?



Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, July 18th (Friday)

I'm still here jjct


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
sunflowersnrain
New Member
Member # 20244
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, July 18th (Friday)

i belong here too

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Midwest
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, July 18th (Friday)

w5))))))))))
i dunno. with that multiplier in your nic, you might automatically be the minority-leader!
dayum.
w5))))))))))

given the gender disparity, i'm thinking of this as MA'S thread.
you know, Multiple A - Survivors!

(((MA's)))


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, July 19th (Saturday)

Woo Hoo
I get to be a leader

Seriously, like what you said about being a survivor. That is the most important thing to remember. We will all make it through this no matter how horrific out story is. As time goes on, the poor actions of our spouses will not define who we are


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
heartsunk
Member
Member # 20302
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 19th (Saturday)

Hi to All!!! I am so glad to find you!!! It's been 2yrs. and 3 months since my D-day. Well sorta, I actually have another ,that was January 3rd of this year. My H had several EM's with OW that he found on Adultfriendfinders.com (Damn this site!!!!!) Anyway, I know of two LTA's and a couple of paid ones to boot. There were so many clues to his A's that I didn't notice it's hard for me to think that I could be so stupid not to pick up on them. The one that hurt the most was one that he had for over a year. My 17yr. old daughter was the one to actually discover his cheating on his computer.She called me in to see and unfortunatly she had already read a large portion of the IM from the night before with the OW. She printed a copy for me and I was unable to read it until later that evening because he came home just minutes after we found it. He was just getting ready to meet her in person for the first time that week. In this IM he talked about a previous affair with another woman. I was able to find the woman that he had been IM with. I decided it was in my best interest to try to use her to get as much information about this woman as possible. She was able to give me alot of information as it seems he talked about her alot. When I first confronted him about the IM he was SO ANGERY. He was mad that our daughter had found the IM (He ban her from ever using his computer ever again) To this day he has never apologized to her. Nor has he apologized to my son for what he has done. He thinks that they are too young to understand (They are 19 and 17) lol. He just can't face them and explain himself. It took me several months of searching phone records before I was able to find the OW. He held on to his story that the had only had an EA. My gut and the fact that the other woman that I talked to told me that was not the case, but he stuck by that story. Over a year and a half later I decided that I needed closure with her so I went down to where she worked and waited for her to come outside. MY H had told me that she would be glad to answer any questions I my have. I approched her and told her who I was. "Oh HI" was her reponse. I told here that I needed to have some kind of closure with her. I had talked to her on the phone a year before and they had the same story. They said that they had met and had gone to lunch about 5 times and dinner a couple of times but that was all. I said that I would like to ask her some more questions and she said "sure". THEN I said before I start let me tell you that my H has admitted to an A with you.(I didn't say that he had only admitted to an EM.) Her demeanor changed. I then asked her "How many times did you sleep with my H?". Her reply was... I don't know how many times. I then asked her a few more questions all of which she lied to me about. I got back into my car and headed home . When I got back home my H was still asleep. I woke him up to tell him that I had finally gotten my nerve up to confront her and that she had admitted to the PA. He continued to deny it. He said I must have heard her wrong. Then I explained how I had asked the question and she thought I already knew so she had to say what she said. He began to cry and said that he could not tell me the truth, that he was so scared that if I knew the truth that I would leave him. To this day I don't know how I found the compassion to do what I did next but I told him to come to me and I would hold his hands while he told me the truth. He then confessed to me about her and about other things that I had found that I knew were linked to the A. This all happened after we had been in MC. He had lied all the way through that. He now thinks that because he has finally told everything that I should be able to move on.That we don't need to see another MC because it was over two years ago and by now I should be able to let it go. But I'm not!!! To me it's like I just found out in January. I am finding it harder and harder to make love to him because all I see when we make love is... did he do that with her?...Did he touch her this way too?...Did he say those things to her too? It plays over and over in my mind the whole time. Does anybody have any advice on how to get this picture out of my mind or how to cope with this. I can't tell him about this because he just gets mad that I can't just let it go. I find myself pulling away and I am so scared. If I continue to do this I'm afraid that he will cheat again. I need your help!!! Thanks!


Me BS (48)
WH (46)
1 D (21)
1 S (19)
DD 5/9/06
2nd DD 1/3/08 Trickle truth!
Married 22yrs.
Working on R

The truth may hurt but a lie is agony.

There are no degrees of honesty.

If it were not for hope,the heart would break.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: salem, oregon
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, July 20th (Sunday)

That we don't need to see another MC because it was over two years ago and by now I should be able to let it go. But I'm not!!! To me it's like I just found out in January

I heard this too, fortunately, we had an MC at the time that drilled this fact into his head... I am on a different healing path from him #1 because I'm just finding out and #2 because he KNOWS what was going on in his marriage and I don't.

Honestly, I don't think there's ever a "getting over it" in multiple cases, there's always the "they did it so often before and got away with it, how will I ever know the next time?" I don't know when the hypervigilence goes away, maybe when we finally absorb the fact that we can't control them, only ourselves.

My IC told me that if I never "got over" it, I should leave him. That it was only hurting ME to stay (believe me she didn't care that my not "getting over it" was bothering him)

Accept the fact that you will never know everything. Unless you had a first hand look at all the interactions, you are only relying on the word of a liar and manipulator (both OW and your H).

Does anybody have any advice on how to get this picture out of my mind or how to cope with this. I can't tell him about this because he just gets mad that I can't just let it go. I find myself pulling away and I am so scared. If I continue to do this I'm afraid that he will cheat again. I need your help!!!

Be true to yourself. I found that his reassurance went only so far. If I wanted to be with him, I was. If I didn't, I wasn't. If I fell apart during, I did. Sure he got mad, but the anger is really at himself, sweetie. You distraught reactions remind him of what he'd done. And it's "so unfair" you keep reminding him of it.

No, he has to live with it the same way you have to live with it. Or don't. Both of you have that choice.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 20th (Sunday)

(((heartsunk))))

Have you been to the healing library - upper-left corner link?

I copied this from "BS FAQ's"

http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

I'm sorry for your suffering, but the folks here are wonderful - just know you're not alone & keep posting -it helps.
like weepy said, be true to YOU! #11 on that link is about what we call the 180.
While reading it - remember, it is about YOU & YOUR healing.

We will survive this!


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
tmcm
Member
Member # 8758
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 20th (Sunday)

Before my divorce, my ex-WW was a proud, card carrying member of the 'frequent fu**er miles'. So add my name to the club.


XBH: Me
XWW: First Wife

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2005
strongone555
Member
Member # 20277
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, July 20th (Sunday)

Ok I am new here and didnt notice this topic until now, I totally belong here and it feels better to know I am not alone.
My H has about 7 A that I know of. Been married 19 years and found out about first one 9 years ago when 8 mos preg. then after 4 more, filed for divorce but before final went back to him. Then last year he was out of state working and had another, thought he stopped this. Then 2 months ago he fessed up to texting (only texting he claims of course) a girl. He went to counselor 5 times and he learned why he does this and says he is done doing this forever. But it sounds oh too familiar. Want to believe him. I for some reason feel sorry for him, he has no family left. He will always have his kids. He is really good to the kids. He is always so nice to me and does so much around the house. I feel like there is som much infidelity out there, am I just going to find another unfaithful one? I have been only staying for the kids, but after the last texts I am seriously thinking of just cutting the cord once and for all.....ugh!

[This message edited by strongone555 at 6:40 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 56 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: california
heartsunk
Member
Member # 20302
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Hi weepy and jjct. Thank you for being here. Weepy, you really now just how I feel. I know that you've been there too! Why don't they get it?? I just can't figure it out. It's like they are little kids, that where scolded and now the just want to forget it. Some times I imagine how it would be if I had done this and he had to live with the thought that I shared the same intimacy with someone. I wonder how he would handle that thought day after day after day. They have it easier than we do. They live with the guilt, but we live with the unknowns. I wonder if he daydreams about her. I have told him that everytime he thinks of making (lust) to her that because I now know what he did that I am in the room with them watching every move they make. Anyway thanks for being here!!


Me BS (48)
WH (46)
1 D (21)
1 S (19)
DD 5/9/06
2nd DD 1/3/08 Trickle truth!
Married 22yrs.
Working on R

The truth may hurt but a lie is agony.

There are no degrees of honesty.

If it were not for hope,the heart would break.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: salem, oregon
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

I'm reading a book now about connecting to your loved ones. In it they discuss how hard it is to connect (be intimate) with someone who's sense of shame runs so deep, they are in denial so deep, they actually BELIEVE the lies they tell us.

So, we live with the unknowns because it doesn't matter if we ask, they cannot answer us honestly. They cannot face their shame and pain. They think they will die (literally).

It's not our job to help them figure it out, to "get it". Unless they want to, they won't.

I consider my H now a "dry drunk". He won't cheat, doesn't mean the desire isn't there. That the craving for the "new" fix isn't there.

He doesn't think about them in any positive context, except I figure when we have another unsatisfying sex romp. I mean, he was with them because they made sex fun, intriguing, sensual, dangerous, and we aren't.

BUT we also won't kill them, stalk them, ruin their "real" lives. WE won't lose them their jobs, their kids, their home. There's no risk with us. And now unfortunately, they know they've ruined any chance of sex with us being that way again.

I don't know about you guys but I won't play those "games" any more. The seductress, acting out the fantasies, sex designed to make him feel like a stud.

The question is, do they value those "romps" weighed against what they've lost? I doubt it.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

I hit bottom last night like it was (almost like) the same as the month of d-day. I am not sure what triggered it specifically but it ended up with me almost saying "Yes" when my WH asked if I want him to leave.

I felt so depressed and felt I deserve every good and every bad thing that have happened to me. It seems one affair is hard enough. Looking at the numbers of just how many came after me...

How is this time any different?

How am I special out of all of them?

How do you all here deal with so many "Others"?

My H is remorseful and doing everything he can, however there are times when I feel maybe it is a deal-breaker for me, I'm just afraid to admit it.

He is there and a changed person and continually changing for the better person. He is becoming who I've always thought I was married to and who I said "yes" to.

I feel insane staying in this M, I feel insane if I leave. It's hell moving forward either way. But those are the only two options I have.

Have a trial separation of a week or a month helped anyone here?

I feel I need to re-commit or just call it quits for all our sakes even our daughter.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Occasionally I pop in here, but as previously mentioned, there does not seem to be much input in this thread. Is that because we are such a minority? Don't know.

Hoping to start a discussion on some of the unique problems we face as survivors of multiple As.

My FWH is one of those who has completely changed and is a differant person today. He has done 1 1/2 years of IC and is involved in a very intense program in our church.

I on the other hand am still struggling. There is a good thread in inspirations about obsession. This is my problem.

I can't seem to stop the investigating. Not about now, but about the past. In the year after the last D-day, I found out so much by investigation, it was the only way I could get any information about the past As.

I spent $$ getting access to email accts, phone records, ect. and was able to get some of the truth that way.

It is like I get some kind of power, or feeling of safety from being able to check out every woman I am still unsure about (I have multiple email addresses I still suspect were OW....he says he doesn't remember them) It is like I can't rest untill I check everything out. Maybe it is because everytime I got access to one of the suspected womens emails, I found another A.

Even the ones I know all about, I still check their emails, like it gives me some satisfaction....all those years those women knew about me, were in involved in my personal life and I did not know....being able to spy on them now gives me some kind of weird satisfaction. I know this is sick and I want to stop it. All this energy wasted that I could spend on something more constructive.

Years of As and trickle truth and a false R have made me feel so screwed up, like I have PTSD or something. Sometimes I say to myself....what does it matter if it is 5 affairs or 20...why can't I let it go and move on.

Is there anyone else out there that has these types of problems a couple of years out from discovery????

Right now my plan is to start a Bible study in the fall....I know I need to give this all to God as I am just not strong enough to fix this on my own.

Sorry if this is so rambling....


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

cleo,

Giving it all to God helped me a lot. I still keep tabs on the known OM though.

I think it all boils down to trust. Through all this I lost trust in my wife, and in myself. By keeping tabs, I feel that I have a little control here.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Thanks wh5, I keep saying I am giving it all to God, But I guess I am not truly doing it.

Heres another thing...

The feeling like FWH "owes" me something for all the years of poor treatment(aside from the As) and all the As. Something more than changing and being a good spouse now. I know this is wrong...I know that nothing he can do will change what he has done.....but something in my mind says....he should make my life alot easier now to make up for all the years I suffered.

Feel free to bash me.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

(((cleo)))

I don't see anything bashworthy

What you feel is perfectly normal and makes perfect sense. I feel the same way sometimes. The thing is, I don't think there is anything they can do to "make up" for what they did. All they can do is be a better spouse from here on out.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Thanks wh5...you are right...I know there is nothing that can really make up for it.

I am glad FWH is working so hard to change...I know that is what I need to focus on...its just so hard to get over the hurt of all those years -

Sometimes I go over to the Long term affairs forum...for some reason I can relate to alot of what is said over there..wish we could get more participation on this topic.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

cleo, I may be the top dog in sheer #s here and I probably should have more input, but I feel more at home in LTA because I found out about all of them at the same time. It was like he had one long affair and a bunch of little ones all in the same time period. Plus I found out about one while we were engaged at the same time.

If I had just the multiples to deal with, since they were prostitutes or anonymous ONS, I would probably be hanging in the SA thread.

Maybe what I don't want to think about is that if there were so many over so long that I DO know about, maybe there were more all along and since that was his "worst" period, he's lumped them all into that time period too. I wonder that especially since he would never confirm the start or end dates. I only have motel receipts from a 7 year period.



Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Another thing is, our WS's were looking from the same thing from each of their AP's. They weren't getting it, but that didn't keep them from trying! Persistant if nothing else

In our case at least, my wife has finally found what she was looking for from the various OM. She was just looking in the wrong places before. It was inside her the whole time


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
toonice
Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

In my case, the way I see it now, after many discussions with my MC, and reading, and some discussions with fWW;

fWW learned, at an early age (14?), to trade sex for security and attention. She didn't get either from her parents. Her mother was emotionally devastated by her cheating husband, and when she remarried, the relationship was about her and her new H, not about her kids.

What made things worse is that fWW's older sister was closer to her mom, and her mom did pay attention to, and care for fWW's older sister, and always took her side in conflicts. It is as if fWW's mother took out her pain from losing her 1st H on her second daughter, who she gave birth to right as her H's A was in full-swing. We speculate (don't know, because we haven't discussed this with fWW's mother) may have never actually bonded with fWW as an infant. fWW was practically raised by her grandparents for the first 6 years, mainly by her grandfather, because her grandmother is another whole warehouse of dysfunction; having been a resident of Germany when WWII ended, having endured the chaos and destruction, having had her house and flower shop bombed, having lost her first husband on the Eastern front. (disappeared - never found his body).

fWW does not remember any sexual abuse as a child. But this is how she characterized her teenage relationships from age 14 up. Sex traded for attention and security.

She seeks attention obsessively. Gets very depressed when she does not get it. She has always been a flirt; lives the life of an extrovert, but frankly, is an introvert, by nature.

I think that this is how she got into trouble in her first marriage. She uses the excuse that she wanted to get pregnant, and she and her 1st H could not succeed, so she looked for other "donors" - but when she found me, she fell in love. (this is the story as she relates it).

Oh - I was happy to give her attention.

And when that attention tapered off; (like, if I had to actually go to work?) she started looking elsewhere. I don't think she actively pursued A's, but she pursues risky situations, or when she has found herself in risky situations, she has not reacted to protect herself.

I think this is how she could have been raped twice. When she was raped, she returned to the attacker, and traded sex for security; as is common with rape victims.

Another effect of being ignored by her parents was that she also learned to be very self-sufficient, in terms of making an income, or taking care of necessities, dealing with problems. She worked full-time while in High School. She paid for her own books, her own clothes, her own car. She says she is very proud of this, but she also has a huge amount of resentment over this. She has a very difficult time putting trust in anyone else.

So when she was raped, she "dealt with it on her own". (and RESENTED the people who she should have trusted; her family, her husband).

The way she describes her first time with her first boyfriend, at 14, it also sounds like rape to me. And, of course, her reaction was to blame herself, and not tell anyone.

She has a long way to go in IC.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
DOH!  Posted: 1:26 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Weepy, I felt the same as you. My H had been cheating on me since we met it seems. In the 11 years I've known him, he had about 5 he had intercourse with, 6+ orals/make-out, around 2+ cybersex, he dated about 5 (while he was supposedly exclusively dating me or when we were married), he EA via online and e-mail to 20+ girls. Funny thing is some of these women considers him their "soulmate". Some of these women knew he was married some were told we were "separated" some were told he is single earning the amount of money I was...

I learned all of this last year in one fell swoop, when I asked him about the porn and e-mails with his friend and found the $$ spent on some site. He confessed all then as our marriage was going crap and I told him I can't do it anymore and that I'll leave.

Would I have married him knowing what I know now? probably not. He admitted to doing everything he could (lie to me and manipulate me, +mind games) to ensure I marry him and stay married to him.

Out of all those 11 years for some reason he kept wanting me and to be with me. Whereas he gets tired of them all and wants someone new every time even if the girl(s) don't mind him screwing them and other people at the same time.

So I've not much concern about the past women, as he always wanted someone new with the exception of me. I was his back-up lady I guess. Someone he can show his friends and family.

I'm the only one he said "I love you" to apparently. Hence why I am no competition to the other girls, he says. I don't want to compete with them anyway. They were all immature, selfish, and broken like him.

I'm just glad he is becoming the man I thought I married and dated. Just sucks that I don't feel like the woman he married anymore. That innocent and feisty girl is gone. I'm just trying so hard to not be bitter and wallow in the mud of depression. I can be happy and I know it, I just felt like I don't want to choose to be.

Wifehad5 is right on one thing though, the root cause of all this is one and these multiple affairs can be lumped as one.

That's the only way to keep us people of these multiple A's sane I think. Especially when things like "WTF did I do to deserve this" keeps popping in our minds.

I rambled... sorry


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

I was his back-up lady I guess. Someone he can show his friends and family.

I'm slowly finding out that in reality, we ARE the only ones these people could love. It's not just about being "presentable" although their choices of partners is questionable.

Its about them never revealing anything to anyone, except us. For a time they felt safe with us. And when they'd stray, kept running BACK to us... why? Because we were their comfort, what kept them going. Can you imagine being in that life and NEVER having a soft place to land?

Would I have married him if I knew what was the truth about him? Yes. I knew he was broken when I married him. I somehow thought that true love would fix all. I forgave him all the previous "others" when we were dating, because he kept dropping all of them, they never lasted more than a few "dates". I came to realize he saw them because he was becoming too attached to me. I was "it" and that scared the hell out of him, having never felt "it" before.

If I'd know about the girl during our engagment, no, I probably would have stopped or at least postponed the wedding. I am dumbfounded now that I bought into the "I didn't hear the phone ring" excuses.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
toonice
Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Wifehad5 is right on one thing though, the root cause of all this is one and these multiple affairs can be lumped as one.

This is the one shred of sanity I hold on to. She has different excuses for all of them, including rapes, (and I believe her, that these were rapes, as she says).

Part of my problem is that it is very un-PC to blame a rape victim when they get into a situation that leads to a rape.

The reality of the situation is, it's not about blame. The blame/punishment model of behavior is broken from the getgo.

It's about choices and consequences.

My fWW has every right to expect to be able to talk to a man, rebuff his advances, and say no, and even struggle, kick, and bite, and expect to NOT be violated. That is 100% the rapists fault. His actions before the rape also incriminate him.

It's about figuring out what she can do next time to prevent this from happening again in the future. It happened twice in the past.

And that means getting to the root of the problem, which is the common cause between all of the A's.

If the common cause is a personality flaw, or bad learned behaviors, the ONLY way to get someone to acknowledge their problem and work on fixing it, is to show them a neutral picture of how much harm it has caused THEM. When they realize that it was counterproductive to begin with, only then will they understand the effort needed to fix it.

If you go out and call them a bad person, or attack them, their broken coping mechanisms for pain, blame, and guilt will come into play, and they'll block it out, avoid, shift blame, and get nowhere in treatment.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

For a time they felt safe with us. And when they'd stray, kept running BACK to us... why? Because we were their comfort, what kept them going. Can you imagine being in that life and NEVER having a soft place to land?

That is true. I was always there for him and can always be counted on to care.

I was still willing to marry him when I thought he was dating other women (which he had admitted during our dating). However I would not have married him knowing just how screwed up he was and knowing the psychological mind games he played on me. I would've waited until he fixed himself and then I would've married him.

However, it's moot point. I am married to him now and we have a 2 year old. I can't just run away now and stop being caring and responsible.

I want to be able to meet my maker with head high and eyes looking straight at him. I'd let God choose who he thinks I deserve in the next life. For now, I have to take this as a test I need to pass for my own sanity. My soul isn't worth hardening my heart to someone obviously looking for forgiveness.

If the common cause is a personality flaw, or bad learned behaviors, the ONLY way to get someone to acknowledge their problem and work on fixing it, is to show them a neutral picture of how much harm it has caused THEM. When they realize that it was counterproductive to begin with, only then will they understand the effort needed to fix it.

This is exactly what happened and what he learned pretty much by himself. Even though I have told him since we were dating these concepts (selfishness, taking for granted, making your spouse the priority), he never "got" it. He's the type to learn the hard way. Whereas I have seen the hard way in my parents which made me malleable to learning the easy way and do what was right.

His selfishness, his near-sightedness made him think that he was the "poor guy" and used that to justify getting what he needed from other women. He did not saw me as someone who isn't getting what she needs too, his fidelity (which was pretty much my only requirement in a husband besides love).

He actually learned a little bit more than I did. He told me, "when it comes to it, the more I decide to give you what you need and what you want, the more I get what I need and what I want. So I learned to stop asking you to give me what I want as I get that anyway if all I do is think about what I can do for you."


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)


He actually learned a little bit more than I did. He told me, "when it comes to it, the more I decide to give you what you need and what you want, the more I get what I need and what I want. So I learned to stop asking you to give me what I want as I get that anyway if all I do is think about what I can do for you."

Simple....my FWS also learned a similiar lesson....that "working" on our marriage was not really work at all...and that he actually enjoyed spending time doing things with me once he was committed to the marriage and pulled his head out of his ass.

The whole concept of reaping what you sow is so true....


I never really thought of lumping all the As into one and dealing with it that way.
I agree that ws was searching for the same thing in all of them....for him it was ego stroking and excitement.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

If the common cause is a personality flaw, or bad learned behaviors, the ONLY way to get someone to acknowledge their problem and work on fixing it, is to show them a neutral picture of how much harm it has caused THEM. When they realize that it was counterproductive to begin with, only then will they understand the effort needed to fix it.


Toonice.......I don't know if this is what you mean, abut I did this with my FWH - I took some of the emails he sent one of the OWs and made him read them in front of me...

In his mind he had convinced himself that the women were pursuing him....but when he read the emails, he was shocked and embarrased that he was the one doing the pursuing.

That was a real turning point for him....when he realized what a sleaze he had been and saw a picture of himself in his own words.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cantbeliveit
New Member
Member # 20440
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

I was wondering if you could help me? I read your posts, and can relate to quite a bit. We have 2 children already, but recently got pregnant, thinking that it could help our failing marriage. I lost the baby a month ago, and just 2 days ago I found out about all of the affairs, 5 over the past 7 years. I am on antidepressants now, I have to be honest I do not blame my huband 100%, I was a very shitty wife for 7 years, and even before, but it got much worse after the children. We did not recognize that I was depressed and we now realize since on medication that I am so much better. Now that being said, I do blame him for his actions. He has admitted guilt, remorse and that it was wrong. He says that now I am on medication and everything is out in the open we can hope ot have a open honest relationship. I am scared, and I can't seem to forget or wonder about so many things that went on.
I could use some support and how to cope. I have decided to forgive, but could really use some words of wisom, to help me deal. I forgot to mention that we have been married almost 14 years.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2008
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

(((cantbeliveit)))

Welcome

Sorry for the loss of your baby. I know how much that can hurt.

So you weren't the perfect wife. I'm sure he wasn't the perfect husband. This is not a reason for him to cheat. If he was that unhappy, he could have asked for a divorce. From here on out you can vow to be a better wife. Is he capable of being a better husband? It's great that he feels bad. Has he figured out they he did it yet?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
time2grow up
New Member
Member # 17565
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

okay, I am not a big poster and not the most avid reader but I saw a thread over in WS and it pointed this direction. I am the WS with multiple A's. That I own! I have been married for 10 years and for most of it, I have looked to others for validation. BS gave me the validation wholeheartedly without reservation. True love? That is still an area I struggle in with an immature emotional level.

The need for validation is strong with me. I love attention and having fun. Those qualities are not an issue until boundaries are crossed.

So if I can answer any direct questions I will do my best.


Me WS - 43
Wife BS - 39
Married - 10 years

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ks
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

Thanks time. I think the biggest "fear" overhanging multiple A partners is the "how long until the next one".

Did you only confess after being caught?

Did your spouse have suspicions?

Why is this time different?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
onceinlove
Member
Member # 19874
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

can'tbelieveit, I am in the same boat. On June 17, WH came clean about six affairs, including a 2.5 year affair, in the last six years. I can't tell you how devastating this is. I wasn't depressed before but I am now.

WH is completely remorseful and accepts 100% responsibility for his actions and is going to AA & SLAA and getting IC.

He is letting me grieve and comforting me in the ways I ask him to but it's such a blow. I mean, the last six years were a lie. What I thought was the truth wasn't.

How do you get over all the crappy things the WS said and did while they were in the fog? Like bitching at me because I'm not making a huge salary anymore while he's giving my money to the AP who is a bankrupt skank who can't make rent?

He apologizes again and again and swears he's going to make things different and better for me. I'm having real trouble getting past the fact that the man I trusted turned out to be a pathological liar. Why should I believe him now?

On D-Day, I made him graph his affairs so I could see how they elapsed over time. There were gaps. How do I know that I'm not just in one of the gaps? I have no idea how I will ever trust him again.

I'm only six weeks out so maybe this is normal.

Normal or not, it really sucks.


Him: WH 48
Me:BS 48
M: 17 years
D-Day: June 17, 2008
WH confessed to 6 APs over 6 yrs, including 2 LTAs; now in SA recovery--approaching 2.5 years of sobriety
Status: R


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Southeast US
time2grow up
New Member
Member # 17565
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

Hi Weepy. I do understand the fear that the WS feels. Weird thing is, as I am coming out of the fog, I have the same fear. I want to make sure it never happens again. Now I don't know the total feeling of betrayal that the BS feels and I am not saying I do with the above statement.

Did you only confess after being caught?
Yes i did only after getting caught with what I got caught with. It took me along time to admit to the rest. Always hoping the minimal admission was enough and we could move forward. Almost like sweeping under the rug. Never successful as long as the lies are still there.

Did your spouse have suspicions?
BS has said that she didn't. Another PA happened during MC after I asked her for a divorce. She had a feeling I was not involved in the marriage through my consistent pulling away but not to that level.

Why is this time different?
Different in that I am seeing myself in a different light in IC and seeing the characteristics of myself that lead to those situations that make an A possible for me. I am also checking into the SA issues. Think there is merit in that as well. But to say it is different to me sounds wrong. That person the was involved in the A is still in me. The boundaries that I build around that person with the BS is the only way that it will be different. The desire to make the changes is what will make it different.


Me WS - 43
Wife BS - 39
Married - 10 years

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ks
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 31st (Thursday)

(((cantbeliveit)))

I am so sorry about the loss of your baby, I would think finding out about the As so soon after would be almost unbearable, grief heaped upon grief.

My best advice would be to seek marital and individual counselling. That is what has helped us beyond measure to rebuild our marriage.

As far as getting past thinking and wondering about the As, everyone says time...which I believe is true to some extent. I don't feel the pain as sharply now, but it is still there everyday. I guess at some point you come to an acceptance of that.

You have said you are addressing your depression and are on meds, but your WS
needs to address why he felt it was ok to cheat, even if you were a less than stellar partner.

Obviously, I still struggle, so I don't know if I have great advice for you, but the things that have helped me are spiritual counseling and prayer, IC & MC and talking it out here.

You are in my prayers...


[This message edited by cleo at 9:35 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, July 31st (Thursday)

time2grow up - thanks so much for coming over to give us input....really, really appreciate that!

You sound so much like my FWH....the need for validation, the immaturity, the trickle truth, ect.

I think that there is definately a differant dynamic at work in WS that that cheat repeatedly. My FWS talks about a feeling of intitlement....

One thing he did that really helped him was doing the 12-Step program - this helped him to really dig deep and look at himself and why he did the things he did. I know he would recommend it highly.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 31st (Thursday)

Ok, anyone else feel like they are "owed" something for all the years of pain and betrayal. Knowing that it can never be made up, but still having that feeling of being owed.

I think this is an issue that weighs heavily on me. Probably is worse because for many years my FWH was emotionally abusive and heaped all the home and child rearing responsibilites on me while he had his fun.

My FWH is really working to change, and I hate feeling like there is this imbalance in the relationship- a debt to be paid....but I just can't help it.

Boy, do I have a long way to go in my Christian walk.

2 X 4s welcome.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 31st (Thursday)

cleo, I can't respond right now, but a big, fat "YES" to your feeling "owed". Resentment over so many things.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 31st (Thursday)

Hey everybody (Hi Weepy ), I haven't ventured in here before because I have been mostly hanging out it LTA but I just read the last couple of pages and was amazed how many of your statements rang true. My H, Emptyone in Wayward, has been unfaithful to me since before we were married. Until last year, he has been with 15+ different women, two LTAs, etc. I found out about all of this when he confessed last August. Obviously, my world dissinegrated in that moment. He is in intense IC to understand why he did what he did...here are some of his revelations.

1. Although he asked me to marry him, he realizes now that he did it to not lose me not because he really wanted to be married. We were living in separate cities and I just either wanted to work on being together or move on. So he "locked me down" through marriage but continued to feel entitled to sleep around because he was resentful that he was "trapped".

2. He has HUGE abandonment issues due to FOO and intimacy is very scary to him. Very much a strike first mentality.

3. He was very immature and very selfish. The whole world was all about what HE got out of it. He had almost no natural empathy. However, he was a fabulous actor and had everybody (not just me ) fooled about what a great guy he was - how much integrity he had.

4. He had very low self-esteem and completely fell for the ego stroking of being "wanted". He also had no idea what marriage was because both parents were drunks and fought visciously all the time.

5. He was an alcholic. Will probably always be but has (for the most part) stopped drinking. He was supplied booze and drugs by his older brother since before teenage- hood. His older brother and friends thought is was funny to get him high (on shit like heroin for christ's sake ) when he was 12.

6. He was exposed to sex at a very young age. He shared a bedroom with his older brother who would bring women into the room when my H was "asleep" and fuck them in the bed next to him. Obviously, he has some sexual issues...borderline SA with some other crap thrown in.

He is completely remorseful and is working as hard as possible on himself. I actually think he has made great strides. However, I am still waiting to see if I can move forward. I want payback, I want revenge on the LTA OW, I have a lot of anger and a lot of sadness. At least I have SI.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Cleo, thanks for the warm invitation. I am 1.5 year out of remorseful and redeemed FWW. We are reconciled 150%!

Before I got involved with LT xOM, (beside the fact that my PA was open to Mr.beach) I had a profile in AFF for total 4 years (2 years before and during) and 2 years after that. I had two ONS (with same person) after I ended with xOM thinking it would help me to forget xOM, but it only gave me the empty feeling inside of me. So…. I think, my sitch is qualified to contribute my insight and hope it is helpful for all of you.

I had abandonment issues from my childhood. My parents are critical of me and I was not good enough no matter what I do. I always worried about what other sees/think of me.

I never went to 12 step program or IC to overcome my core issue. Reading and posting here and abandonment support forum, helped me. Oh and the books that helped me were "Sex, Women and addiction" by Charlotte Kasl and "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.

I am 1.5 year out. My lifestyle changed and I am much happier. My boundary wall is up high. It gives me creepy feeling, if any guys looks at me in the sexual way now. I don't want any turn heads. I have no desire to go back to where I was.. I am not empty inside anymore and I can feel love is generating for me, thus I don't need any external validation anymore. I feel blessed every day. Starting with respecting and loving myself, appreciate what I have helped me a lot!!!

The way the OPs made FWSs feel. Many stroking egos....My XOM was out of league (younger, artistic, lean athretic, musician looks). Over time, I made him up as a fantasy boyfriend. Even though I was married, but I was thinking of myself as a wife and I was a royal girlfriend to xOP at the same time and I wanted to be connected with him 24/7. XOM's telling me we were hot looking couple and that having xOM being into me made me feel I still 'got' it, didn't help. It made me fell like I was acting in the fantasy world. Acting out with the ideal fantasy lover in the limited time, sex became intense and leaving me the feeling of wanting for more and looking forward to the next meeting. It gave me the high and was getting addictive activities for me.

Speaking from my own experience, when most FWSs were not in the normal 24/7 relationship with xAP and not in the marrieage where there is no domestic responsibilities, taking care of kids, or paying the bills, most WS tend to rominticize xAP looking through the rose colored glasses and think xAP is ideal person in their view. Limited time meetings/communication fuels the fantasy world and it enabled FWSs to perpetuate the fantasies and became the intense meeting/chat session and look forward to the next session.
I hope this makes sense.

*Healthy love isn't a secret
*Healthy love doesn't deceive anyone
*Healthy love doesn't leave you in a state of confusion

*Healthy love doesn't cause resentment
*Healthy love doesn't have you 'waiting, just in case'
*Healthy love isn't bits and pieces of your partners time

*Healthy love doesn't have you lower your expectations


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Welcome beach and shirley... now maybe we'll get some real action going in here.

I think it's obvious our partners were struggling with demons, where they came from is beside the point. And I think, beach, my H feels quite the same as you do now. He's not looking for strokes from anyone else. However, he's not giving them to himself either. I can hear it when he talks. Even last week.... almost 7 years since his A ended, and 3 years since his last "alone time with a woman" he still hates himself so much.

I'm finding great help in the "how to fix your marriage without talking about it" book, along with the Harriett Lerner "Dance" series. They've helped me more than 2 1/2 years of MC that's for sure.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
disappointed007
New Member
Member # 20371
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

It has only been a little over 2 weeks since I found out about my H have 7 PA's that doesn't count all the EA's which I will never know because he doesn't think there is anything wrong there. I am having a hard time getting past the fact that he did this to me. It started 4 years ago after our D was adopted. Now I am struggling with whether to stay or go while he works in counseling.


Married 6yrs
7 OW in 4yrs
1- 4yr old daughter

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: OK
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

thanks for your input beach...great stuff about healthy love.

(((hurtshirley)))

Im glad your H is in IC. My FWH learned so much about himself and the whys there.

Sometimes I look at all his progress and I am so happy about that, but also I realize just how stuck I am.....he is moving forward and I am stuck.

I say to myself...just accept the things that have happened...you can't change it, and there is nothing that FWH can do to take it back ....I really can't think of anything he could do that would make it all better for me. He is doing all that he can.

But I struggle along, pushing back the bad thoughts and memories, comparing myself to the OW and coming up short, fearing everytime FWH has a bad day that he is slipping back into the old behaviours.

I just want peace....I am praying for it. I don't want all these crappy memories and hurtful feelings.

[This message edited by cleo at 4:15 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

weepy....I am going to look at the books you suggested....I also am going to do the Beth Moore Breaking free studies as soon as I find a church that is doing that.

((((disappointed007))))

So sorry you find yourself here.....2 weeks is such a short time ago, you are still probably reeling and it is hard to make decisions when your emotions are up and down. keep reading here and posting. There are lots of wise people here.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

I say to myself...just accept the things that have happened...you can't change it, and there is nothing that FWH can do to take it back ....I really can't think of anything he could do that would make it all better for me. He is doing all that he can.

But I struggle along, pushing back the bad thoughts and memories

Cleo - this is exactly where I am. He can't do more but I am stuck. I think he "owes" me but when he asks what he can do I don't have an answer. I just want everyone to suffer as much as I am. Not very nice but the truth.

D007 - at your stage I couldn't even function, type, eat. I had to remind myself to breathe. You are so fresh. He will take time to come out of the fog of who he was and what he did. The fact that he doesn't think the EAs were a problem tells me he has a long way to go. (((((D007)))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Thanks, cleo and thanks for the welcome, weepy.

(((disappointed))) I am so sorry.....


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 1st (Friday)

I was responding this to someone and I thought this maybe insightful....

I was in the cocoon (having a celibacy from former A lifestyle) phase to prepare to be virgin again for my H. I even avoided all sexy stuffs (sex scene on TV and movie) that triggerd/reminded my wild A lifestyle. For the first 6 months, if I see those reminder, it made me miss the xOM, after that 6 months period, it made me sick. I finally regained the thought about looking nice for me and my H. What helped me was I just needed to reconnect myself and need to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin. And then I was able to learn how to love and respect myself.


ETA: Oh and I changed my lifestyle, such as uninstalled IM, stopped watching junk TVs (dramas, primetime soap), because it perpetuated the junky mind.. That also helped me.

[This message edited by beach at 11:57 AM, August 1st (Friday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 1st (Friday)

Thanks for sharing that beach.

I know my FWH has made some lifestyle changes and boundary changes that have reshaped the way he looks at life and himself....for the better.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, August 1st (Friday)

You know, I have been thinking about the concept of lumping all the As into one to cope, but I guess the problem I am having with that is this covers almost 10 years of my marriage(the women I know about anyway)

I really mourn all those years, and go back and forth from wanting to excise them from my memory...but then all the good things with my kids happened during that time too.

I also think it is hard for me to do it because with two of the OW I found out and he promised not to do it again. But he went ahead and had As with more women anyway. So there is that extra measure of conscious thought that went into the decisions on his part.

Anyone have some other successful coping measures in regards to dealing with this??


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
b3tr4y3d
Member
Member # 19369
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)

I guess I belong here. I found out this weekend that my H has been cheating since we were newlyweds. :( I'm not ready to rehash everything I learned this weekend.. but I know you all can relate so I wanted to drop in and say hello!


"It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end."~Douglas Adams

Married 13 Yrs
Me-BS 39 (EEK)
Him-WH 41 (D1rtyCh34t3r)
2 Boys 6 & 8
Ddays- April 28, May 2, August 1 & 2, 2008
Status: Reconciliation in progress


Posts: 1592 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Houston, TX
cleo
Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)

(((b3tr4y3d)))

I know you are hurting...hang in there


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, August 7th (Thursday)

Cleo and others, "feeling owed" is really big on people who is BS and especially if they have to deal with multiple EA/PA's after so many years.

However, this can be destructive in the R process. There is NOTHING they can do to make it up. All WS can do is be the spouse they are supposed to be from here on out.

11 years is a lot, if you know my story, I share the same with you. However I try to look at it this way, my H and I have many more years ahead of us especially if you include eternity if you believe that families are forever.

The love bank just needs to get filled and that takes time. Plus we have to make sure we allow our WS to actually deposit in it. Give them an environment so they feel they are investing in something good. Positive reinforcement is good for the heart. It helps our WS with their motivation to do what's right.

Don't get me wrong, I have the same negative thoughts and vengeful feelings like others. I just want to share what I try to argue in my mind to hopefully stem the nastiness that I know is NOT me and will never be the new me.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
vengefulbiatch
Member
Member # 20473
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, August 7th (Thursday)

Count me in my H has been with 5 OW in our 13 yr marriage that I am aware of as far as PA I suspect other EA's as well 4 were just flings 1 was a 2 yr LTA


"I Never Dreamed Home Would End Up Where I Don't Belong...I'm Moving On"
Me 37 BW
Him 37 WH
Divorced 2010... Tried to reconcile in 2011 currently separated

Posts: 246 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alabama
2Lost
Member
Member # 21087
Sad  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 1st (Wednesday)

I belong here, too. In the 21 years that my husband and i have been a couple, there has to have been at least a dozen girls. i don't think that all of the affairs resulted in actual sex, but that doesn't matter, does it? enough of them did!

The last time I kicked him out for about 7 months or so, and after the initial 3 months, he started to really act like he screwed up and knew it. So, eventually, i let him worm his way back into my heart. And, honestly, these past 5 years have been wonderful. I did have some depression and anxiety issues and then some problems being sexual with him (gee, go figure!) but eventually, I worked through it ALL so that we could recommit. I was so happy.

Then, last December, I found some pix from a girl at his office. She was wearing a white tank top w/no bra. The pix were obvious in their intent. I blew a fuse! He said then that he sees that he was getting ready to fall into the same patterns, and thankfully he didn't and it's over and how could he and omg. i also phoned her and demanded that she realize that he was married, she was married, and take this chance and run with it.

fast forward to a few months ago when their 'flirtation' started up again on cigarette breaks at work. oh, and let me mention, he only goes into the office 2 effing days a week. well, on august 7, she invited him to her sister's apt. so that they could fulfill their fuckfest.

her husband let me know on sept. 11. my world is a shambles. i cannot believe that he fucking pulled the wool over my eyes AGAIN. what does that say about me?!? I believed him!~ I wanted to believe in him.

Now, he is out of the house again. our 8 year old realizes that his daddy 'broke a big rule in marriage'...this is the first time he is looking for help from IC, this is the first time he is trying to see my pain. but, when do you get too the 'just too damned late' point?!? i honestly think i should have crossed that point YEARS ago.


(me)BS 47
(him)FWH 44<Ipsiad>
together 26 years, married 18
Beautiful DS 14

Trying, once again, to make a go of it.


Posts: 369 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Hell
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, October 10th (Friday)

this is where I belong as well. Although I only now for sure about one EA/PA, I'm now certain that other "just friends" were also affairs. I thought he was a flirt (who I tried to educate) but that he would never take it that far. I don't get how a man who everyone says adores me, treated me so well (otherwise!), and constantly planned for our future together could have been systematically pursuing (at least he did the OW that confirmed the PA for me) and seducing multiple women all this time. What is the motivation? He doesn't even seem to care about the? I'm not even sure these type of WSs could be trusted to stop, because if not one it's another, right? So for those in R, how do you know he's really changed?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, October 10th (Friday)

but, when do you get too the 'just too damned late' point?!?

2, my point is if I see ANY questionable or objectional behavior around women. I mean a ride home, touching, talking without my presence... anything. That's my "enough" point right now. I will not allow myself to be fooled again.

career, I know my H has changed because his attitude has, for the most part. He has his slips and his avoidance and his anger issues still. But instead of getting a response like "oh dear, what can I do to fix this for you, what did I do to make you so angry and upset, what do I need to change?" He's now getting met with "Your problem" from me. I've had to force him to face that it's HIM making issues, not me.

I just keep an eye on him. And he makes himself as transparent as he can.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
2Lost
Member
Member # 21087
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 10th (Friday)

Ah, Weepy, thanks for the response!

i'm so stuck right now. how do i think about R with a man who consistently flirted with, kissed, called, emailed, FUCKED other women? How do I consider R with a man who, for years, put me down, 2nd, fortieth, effing LAST on his list??? how do i stay in love with a man who has forsaken me, my love, OUR CHILD for the cheap thrills of a dirty whore? How could i possibly still be in love with a man who told someone other than me (and with him, it was many someones) that he loved them... whether or not he meant it????

but, how do i walk away from the man i have loved these many long, tiring years? how do i start over at almost 42? how do i give up everything i fought so vehemently for? uproot my son? go where...to my mom's house?!?

sweet Jesus, the pain in my heart is so intense...i know i don't have to tell any of you about it.

and, then, look at his posts (Ipsiad) and the way he is FINALLY striving to fix what is wrong with himself. Fix what he did to our family. FINALLY trying to see the absolute and horrifying pain that I have lived in for all of these years.

i'm exhausted. i wish that it was easier. i thank you for just listening and being around!


(me)BS 47
(him)FWH 44<Ipsiad>
together 26 years, married 18
Beautiful DS 14

Trying, once again, to make a go of it.


Posts: 369 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Hell
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 10th (Friday)

2, I think it is very telling that he's on this site. He won't get coddled or be allowed on if he's acting inappropriately. Believe me, this former WS are smart. Rarely are they fooled. If he suddenly doesn't think SI is the place for him, then I'd say that was a red flag.

I don't know how you really look at the multiples, the years and ever think "Now, isn't he just the greatest?"

I was talking to a dear, dear friend last night who has known my H for over 40 years. I said to her "you are my hero. you left your good for nothing first husband with two kids to support, no house ( because her H put it into forclosure ) fought alcoholism and won, beat lung cancer and found an amazing man at age 48." Her second husband loves her, she loves him, and on top of that he's loaded. I told her she gave ME hope.

I found out about my H's affairs when I was 51 years old. We'll be married 30 years next July. My ONLY family is his family. My kids have 18 cousins, 16 aunts and uncles, the only grandparents alive and you know what? If he did it again, I'd walk in a minute and I'd walk with my head held high and I'd TELL why. He knows that now.

I vowed I would never allow my children to grow up as I did with a father that ran around and a mother that was alternately angry and weak. She threw him out finally and the hell afterward was just as bad. So I stayed initially because of that vow to myself to take care of my kids' futures. He knew that was the only reason I stayed at first too.

But you know, he was grateful that I stayed for whatever the reason. He knew he screwed up big time, he knew he deserved me leaving, telling the world, taking his kids and I think for over a year was profoundly shocked that I stayed. I think he even tried to push me into divorce because he felt undeserving of an intact marriage.

Our spouses risked everything for nothing. They know it. And remember they have to live with that too.

Give yourself some time alone, read the 180 rules, try to focus on yourself and your child, don't rush into anything right now. Let him prove to you for as long as it takes that he's changed. If he gives up, you'll know his true character. The one thing I give my H credit for is that I blasted him every single day for over a year. Every day and he stayed and took it. That's what gave him his chance to stay. Because he absolutely refused to give up.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, October 10th (Friday)

do those of you in R with a multiple affair husband use condoms during sex? It seems the risk of HIV would be much higher (as I prepare to go get tested. Although R seems SUPER unlikely at this point, if we did R I'd be terrified he'd slip and I'd end up with HIV...


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
2Lost
Member
Member # 21087
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 10th (Friday)

Thanks, Weepy, for everything! Your story inspires me.

I do think it's a good thing that he found SI (on his own, right around the time I did!) and I do think that he is being completely legitimate in his posts.

i think that my conflict is that i had always said after the last time that if he effed up again, that was it. i didn't realize that in the 7 years since that last affair, we would grow so close and i would fall in love with him all over again.

and, this is the first time that he has been so diligent in getting help for himself to fix what is obviously broken. he is not pinning a damned thing on me or the relationship. so, do i owe it to MYSELF to give that another go?

i know that i have to come up with these answers for myself. it's just so difficult when my heart is so smashed into shards. i know that you know what i mean!


(me)BS 47
(him)FWH 44<Ipsiad>
together 26 years, married 18
Beautiful DS 14

Trying, once again, to make a go of it.


Posts: 369 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Hell
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 10th (Friday)

i didn't realize that in the 7 years since that last affair, we would grow so close and i would fall in love with him all over again.

2, we also had that, but it wasn't the revelation of an affair that caused it. That's what makes this so much sadder... 3 years wasted that could have been great. Well, on top of the 10 he wasted.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, October 10th (Friday)

Careerlady,

My wife did not use protection with any of her OM

We have both been tested, and by the grace of God are clean. We were able to R


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
kiko
New Member
Member # 20461
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 10th (Friday)

I, i am a rookie + i speak a poor english but i really need the wisdom of some you.

I have 2 questions:

1. Did your spouse cheated in the beginning of the relashionship ? I mean the first 3 years.

2. I feel that i'm stock with a serial cheater and even if he is promising me and doing the right thing i am scared to fing xxx PA many years from now. The problem is that i am not sure. I'm doubting my own jugment all the time now.

I am sure that serials cheaters are extremely really good manipulators.

So can you please give me tips to break this pattern now before its to late ? You guys know them really well so how can i just break free ?

Thank you in advance

[This message edited by kiko at 2:45 PM, October 10th (Friday)]


Posts: 30 | Registered: Jul 2008
2Lost
Member
Member # 21087
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, October 10th (Friday)

bonjour, Kiko!
for me, my husband did cheat on me before we were ever married. at that point, he was only 17 or 18, so i thought it had to do with him being immature. evidently, he never grew out of it.

is your husband willing to go and speak to a professional therapist to get help? Unfortunately, my husband never did that, but he IS doing it now...which is the only reason I am still even entertaining the idea of reconciling with him.

i am sorry for you. i hope that i was able to help a little bit.


(me)BS 47
(him)FWH 44<Ipsiad>
together 26 years, married 18
Beautiful DS 14

Trying, once again, to make a go of it.


Posts: 369 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Hell
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 10th (Friday)

Hi Kiko

My wife cheated on me within our first year of marriage. We had known each other for about 4 years by that time. She had some unresolved issues. Now that she has worked on them, she is a different person


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
shyguy
Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, October 10th (Friday)

Trust your gut feelings.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
kiko
New Member
Member # 20461
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 10th (Friday)

Thanks you,

Well in my case. For what i know, he cheated the 1st year of relationship 1 PA and 1 EA. And i tought it was because he was imature. But the last time, i saw the signs and he denied it until i found proofs and call the other woman. So i left him for a couples of weeks. He want to reconciles but do not want to see an IC. I'm trying to tell him that if he don't fix his problem he will do it again. He thinks that because this time he really understanding how his A hurts me that he won't go back to that road.

Most of the time i believe him.

But, some times like today i think that i'm dealing with a serial cheater and that i will found my self in the same place in 15 years.

So thats why i need advice.

[This message edited by kiko at 3:04 PM, October 10th (Friday)]


Posts: 30 | Registered: Jul 2008
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, October 10th (Friday)

Kiko,

You are correct. If he doesn't figure out the real reason why he cheated, there is a strong possibility that he will cheat again. Not everyone needs IC to accomplish this. What's he doing to prove himself?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, October 11th (Saturday)

My wife did not use protection with any of her OM

We have both been tested, and by the grace of God are clean. We were able to R

Sorry, no offense, but how do you know you are not playing Russian roulette. What if she backslides? How do you KNOW you are safe to have sex with her?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
weepy
Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, October 11th (Saturday)

kiko, my H broke off an affair within 2 months of our wedding, but I didn't find out until I found out about all the others.

I made MC and IC a condition or I would not stay. We're still both in IC.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
kiko
New Member
Member # 20461
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, October 17th (Friday)

wifehad5

I don't really know what he's doing to prove im self. We don't leave together so i'm not with him. He's begging me to give him another chance...He's going at church and making the effort to share and confess with other brothers. Thats about it.

Its not enough for him i want him in IC.


Posts: 30 | Registered: Jul 2008
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 17th (Friday)

Kiko,

What does he say about IC?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Amandilla
Member
Member # 20347
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, January 11th (Sunday)

I belong in this group. We say that my H had 7 affairs. 6 were ONS and 1 was a year long -long distance affair. But there were also lots of women he chatted with and texted, some for a few weeks but there was one he texted for 7 months sporatically. He says he would have hooked up with her if he could have but they only texted...so is she a number 8? He also put personal aids on Craigslist. He chatted with a few on there as well. One of his ads he said he would do small plumbing jobs for sexual favors. One stripper said she would give him a blow job if he installed her dishwasher. He installed it but said he didnt get the blow job...but the flirting the banter back and forth is that number 9? There are SO many women he flirted with on myspace and texted that he doesnt even remember who they are or how many...Do we count those? If we count those then we probably have a marching bands worth of other women! But as it stands now, we are only counting the ones he touched.

We are reconciling and doing very well. But reading all the posts here in this forum is freaking me out. I believe my H has changed and I believe we have a fighting chance.


Me: BW:47
HIM:WS:39 in treatment for SA
Married 16 years
several ONS
internet flirting
1 year long distance E/PA
1 beautiful son
DD1 7/14/08 False R
DD2 8/9/08 OW exposed False R which ended A. Thanks Jen!
Our new love story in progress

Posts: 503 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: East Coast
dire straits
Member
Member # 22350
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 23rd (Friday)

Looks like wives who have multiple afairs are a relative rarity (compared to men who cheat over and over). In my case there were many, many other men (see my profile).

It seems my wife did not have any emotional attachment to most (perhaps all) of these scoundrels. People have suggested she could be a sex addict. The thing is, she has incredibly strong will power. When she decides to do something, it's done. If she wants to lose 10 pounds, done. She quit heavy smoking (2 packs a day) while in college, cold turkey. So I don't see an addiction ruling her. If she wanted to stop cheating, she'd have done it.

Rather, I think she simply enjoyed it and her conscience never bothered her. Now that she's been caught, she really wants to keep the marriage alive. I'm not certain she'll never cheat again, but I do believe strongly that if she wants to stop, it will stop.

My biggest issue is how she treated me with zero respect all these years. For me, respect is the most important ingredient of real love. People talk about compartmentalization, but still, in order to compartmentalize, she needed to shelve me, over and over, an action which reeks of disrespect. So the affairs did have something to do with me, whether she admits it or not. I don't buy into the whole double-life theory, because the "shelving" is so disrespectful, and for the average person, so unimaginable.

Now she's been caught, she's saying all the right things, and I think she'll really stop. But she's demonstrated such supreme selfishness with these acts, that even if she does stop I'm afraid her nature will just come out in some other nasty way instead.

Anyone else out there with this sort of situation? Huge number of cheating episodes with many different partners, but all just on a whim, because s/he simply felt like it at the time? Casual flings with random people met online, but no real sex addiction?

I see so many of you are reconciling with serial cheaters. My hat's off to you; I'm a jealous man and don't know how I possibly could.

[This message edited by dire straits at 4:08 PM, January 23rd (Friday)]


All the king's horses and all the king's men...

Posts: 215 | Registered: Jan 2009
brokenheart10
Member
Member # 23603
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, April 13th (Monday)

Married 13 years and found out he's been having affairs over the last 10 years. He finally admits there have been many. He's going to couseling and now tells me that he's not addicted to sex but to the high of being wanted. He's been told he has classic signs of a narcassist. Now what do I do?


me:42 BS
him:44.serial cheater
DD:12
Married: 16 years
Too many affairs
Too many false R's
D final: 10/17/11
he remarried 10/29/11

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: So. Cal
iwantamiracle
Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, April 19th (Sunday)

kiko.....

my wh began his first affair before i ever met him...she was married....and he never ended it, so he continued with her thru d-day, had another lta, 12 year one that also ended on d-day, and then another confirmed one that started 1 week prior to dday....

serial cheater or just a "CHEATER" and a "LIAR"...serial might work in situations like soaps, murders but not in affairs......each and every affair is a choice, and its a choice they make everyday they are in the realtionship or hide the relationship.....serial is a word that just may not fit.....but just plain simple "CHEATER'...with no excuses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Zinnia
Member
Member # 21679
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, April 19th (Sunday)

dire straits...my WH/STBXH is very similar - he slept with many, many women throughout the last half of our marriage, some of whom were escorts (very much on a whim) and some of whom were longer-term affairs with women he met off adult dating sites or Craigslist.

The woman I ended up catching him with he claimed to be "deeply in love with" (or so he said on a rant & rave on Craigslist, bragging about how great the results of his ad in the casual encounters section was). So my situation runs the full gamut of ONSs and EA/PA.

Just like in your situation, once WH/STBXH was caught, he said all the right things, but during the entire time he cheated he had no conscience whatsoever AND he treated me very badly.

I'm not willing to R and wasn't from the first moment I caught him with the first OW. My reason for refusing R was because he was emotionally abusive and treated me so badly throughout our marriage. So the A I initially discovered was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was only afterwards that I discovered how many there actually were (and I'm still finding out).

In our case, my WH/STBXH was diagnosed with bipolar II (among other disorders) which can result in hypersexuality/grandiosity during the hypomanic phases. My WH is on a host of medications and swears he has no desire to do any of these things again but that changes nothing for me. He's been on medication before, has been in therapy before, and I personally feel that his issues go far beyond anything a pill can cure.

I am certain that if I were to R with WH/STBXH, he would stop for a while, be a "good" husband for a while, and then eventually fall back into this pattern. It's the thrill of doing something bad that excites him. The illicit nature and secretiveness of it all. I don't believe for one second that he will stop for the rest of his life. If he didn't have a conscience during the entire time he was doing these things, then he doesn't have one now. He is simply embarrassed that he got caught and doesn't want to face the consequences. Maybe he feels guilty but it doesn't matter. Guilt doesn't equal love and respect.

If it all was truly the result of mental illness, then I wish him well in his recovery and dealings in future relationships. But I'm out of this marriage.

[This message edited by Zinnia at 10:43 PM, April 19th (Sunday)]


FBW (me) - 41
Two lovely daughters - 5 and 8
Happily remarried and have a baby boy with new hubby

Posts: 205 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Colorado
sikkend
Member
Member # 23698
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 5th (Sunday)

Weepy: finally I found another person who has been cheated on with prostitutes. This is my first post in here, I have little time for searching through here and reading. I have a one-year baby girl with my cheating spouse.

What is a PA and LT?

I know what you mean... I think in a way the prostitutes aren't as destructive as a LTA, we don't have to deal with any aftermath or resistance coming from the other person, etc. But like you said, how well trained are they? Sometimes I think we figure that because they are paid they are better.... that may not be the case my dear. Our imaginations are often worse than reality -- at least in some cases... unfortunately I did stumble across some stuff while searching for one of my man's whore's email addresses (I did email her, and she replied a few times).....

I ended up in a forum for men who use escorts, and saw some of the discussions. My cheater went back to one of them (I think she was the first whore he had) at least once that I know of, her name was Mystique, and she had good reviews, that hurt. Also found out details I didn't need to know though. The others.... probably average.

Reply back, please, or PM me... I really would like someone to talk to who has gone through the same thing.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Manitoba
sikkend
Member
Member # 23698
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, July 5th (Sunday)

Dire Straits: How do I tell this site to email me when there are replies to my posts? I saw it at one point, now I don't :(

many of the things you say are common to my situation. I don't think my cheater is a SA, and like your WS, I believe that if he says he will quit that he will. He has done it with smoking, and can be very self disciplined when it comes to building his physique. PM me if you want to talk, or reply on here, I just may not see it for a while unless I can figure out how to get email notifications, which I have had for other posts!


Posts: 113 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Manitoba
sikkend
Member
Member # 23698
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, July 5th (Sunday)

2Lost:

Hi, your comments to weepy caught my attention. You said your WS suddenly decided to get help and "stopped pinning things on you" or something to that effect. You may have a man like mine I'm thinking.

Can you tell me how he came to the realization that he needed to get help? My man won't listen to any of my concerns without pointing the finger back at me. On one hand he says he did the wrong thing in choosing to fuck escorts 6 times and one woman from adult friend finder, but in everyday conversations, all our fights are directed back at my behaviour, never his.

Just curious about your story. Post on here or PM me if you can please?

Thanks!


Posts: 113 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Manitoba
sikkend
Member
Member # 23698
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 5th (Sunday)

wifehad5:

I love this!!

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off!

Made me smile today, this hard day... :)


Posts: 113 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Manitoba
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, July 6th (Monday)

sikkend,

You should check out the passive-aggressive thread on this ICR forum.

Your WS may be P-A. He is blameshifting. It is his way of avoiding the unpleasant feelings that come with taking responsibility for his own actions. I've posted extensively about this. My WS has been helped a lot by our MC.

kk


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
sikkend
Member
Member # 23698
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 6th (Monday)

kk,

Thank you for your comment. I will search that thread out on here and read it. Blameshifting hey? I think that's what the counsellors we saw also indicated, although they didn't call it that and they didn't mention passive-aggressive.

Thanks again, I will read it.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Manitoba
sikkend
Member
Member # 23698
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)

Is there anyone reading these who has had their WS hire escorts? I am wondering so many things... he has told me that he didn't get satisfaction out of it (I have a hard time believing that, seeing as they are supposed to be "professionals"), that they appreciated his good looks (I asked) then I discovered from online forums where men discuss the whores, that the good looking ones often get special treatment to encourage repeat business .... GAG.... :(

He also told me that he didn't go through with it with the last one because his guilt was getting the better of him and he was realizing he had to stop...

PM me if anyone has had similar experiences, please.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Manitoba
CryingGreenEyes
Member
Member # 24753
Angry  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 18th (Saturday)

My WH is a multiple offender! The agony of the trickle truth has been unbearable at times! Just when I think I have all the facts the other shoe drops again! I'm disgusted by his behavior!

As many of you I've been through all the circles of Hell dealing with his bullshit and lies! I have a lot of questions that most likely I'll never get answers too... and it seems somedays like he just expects me to be 'over it'.

Today is NOT a good day! I've had to start medication for depression and anxiety, which adds to my anger!

His last PA ended up being a psycho-stalker! We had to get a no contact/restraining order which she violated! We went to court yesterday for her pre-trial hearing and she decided to take this to trial. She called our house from her cell phone, police documented the phone number and arrested her, but she is prolonging this to get at me! I'm so tired of this shit! I take one step forward and two steps back! When does it end? This shit should have never affected me and my life and personal safety but his selfishness has brought this crazy person into MY life! UGHHHHHH I'm so angry!!!


"The truth shall set you free... but first it's really gonna piss you off!"
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house you can never tell."

Posts: 1525 | Registered: Jul 2009
iamsofedup
Member
Member # 24052
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 18th (Saturday)

Sadly, I too am a member of this club.

WH comes from a long line of liars and cheats etc. His mother cheated, all of his brothers have cheated and they have been married numerous times. ALL of them have been taught to do what they want and when/if they get caught, to take the spouse for everything they can get.

We married when I was young. (Too young) He is 8 years older than me. Looking back, I do think he knew exactly what he was looking for in a wife. Love had nothing to do with it. Too bad I didn't see it that way then. His mother had groomed all of her sons to find a wife who would take care of them.

Lucky me! I fit the bill. I am a hard worker (That would come in handy since no one in his family likes to work) I am/was devoted. I am responsible (that also came in handy since none of them can balance a check book, or pay their bills on time, not to mention their/WH credit is for crap) Oh, WH is right up there with the greatest of bullshitters. If you met him, you would think this man is so successful.If people only knew!

Truth is, I worked my butt off to keep us afloat while he showboated around. I guess he thought no one noticed or knew.

All the OW (they all wanted to be provided for with no effort on their part) were around because he lied to them and led them to believe that he was the "$ucce$$ful" one. He told the OW3 that 1) he was the reason we were able to build our house. Truth is, his credit was so horrible that he isn't even on the mortgage note. 2) He told OW he had to buy another truck in order to pull the big ole 5th wheel he bought. Truth is, his parents co-signed with him to buy it "without my knowledge". Later the truck was repossessed. The 5th wheel is next. My credit won't be affected so let him and his parents deal with it. 3) He told OW that he was a land owner. Truth is, my family owns the land that he likes to tell others is his. In fact, the house is built on my family's land. Duh, guess OW never thought to check the public records. She was stupid enought to tell others that she would be living in the house with my WH.

I could go on and on. Most days, I simply tolerate the man. Once in a blue moon, I think I catch a glimpse of hope...unfortunately, if I wait long enough he screws that up.

For the longest time, I wanted him to morph into the man I thought he was a long long time ago. Now, I realize in all liklihood it ain't gonna happen.

[This message edited by iamsofedup at 12:17 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2009 | From: florida
GainingStrength
New Member
Member # 24886
Helpless  Posted: 3:46 PM, July 20th (Monday)

Hi everyone. I am new here, but have been reading for about a week now. This is absolutely the forum for me. WH has had 2 affairs, that I KNOW of. Both with MW he works with. Both MW ended up getting a divorce, but he won't leave me. I'm not sure why he won't leave our marriage. I think it's because he hates change so much and he is just too afraid to enter the unknown. He also doesn't want to look like the bad guy that walked out on his family. Yuck, he's such fake.

His first affair was 10 years into our marriage and we had one daughter. I'm pretty sure that one lasted about 2 years and he almost left, but couldn't do it. Back then, I was young and hung onto him for dear life. I was depressed for a year and just shut down completely. Our daughter was around 10 at the time and I still carry guilt about the way I handled myself. I was so pathetic and kind of ignored her emotionally. I still cry sometimes when I think of the damage that was probably done to her back then.

Fast forward to now, WH is in another affair with a woman at work. They have been going strong for about 6 years, as far as I can gather. Our second daughter is 10 and I think it started when she was about 4. At least, that's when I started getting a gut feeling about things. I finally had proof a couple of years ago. He cried, swore he would end it and promised to be a better husband and father. I thought things were going well, and then found MORE evidence. Had another D-Day about 4 months later and he "cried and swore he would be the husband that I deserved if I would just give him another chance." Well, here I am, and I have enough evidence to know that they are still involved.

It's so strange this time around. I think I have just shut my emotions down. Either that, or I truly don't give a crap any longer. I think it's the latter. Everytime I find something else, and I feel so disappointed, I don't even feel like crying. I'm just done. Is that normal? Is there something wrong with me? I know that I have totally fallen out of love with him. He has killed that a long time ago. Now, I just want to end this and walk through that ring of fire.

I am so scared that I can't even begin to think that I can do this. I went back to school when I discovered the second affair. I took my national cert. exam and failed it. I have to study again and retry. I haven't worked since we married. He didn't want me to. How funny, he wanted the traditional wife, but he screwed around with all the working women. What a cliche I am...SAHM with the WH who everybody knows about.

Anyway, that's my story and I hope I haven't bored you all to tears. I think that more than anything, I am hoping that someone can help me along with some advice on how to move past this fear. Are there any other previous SAHM's who got out of the M and got a job and are making it? How did you do it and have faith in yourself? TIA!


BW (ME)45
WH 50
Married 24 years, together 26, 2 children

WH has had 2 A's, that I know of and still in LTA.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2009
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday)

Hi GainingStrength

I'm not a SAHM, but I know there are several who have made it on their own. I would suggest you see an attorney and discuss your issue. Depending on your state, there are huge variations of what SAHM's are entitled to. An attorney can spell everything out for you


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35380 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
butifuldisaster
Member
Member # 24089
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, July 25th (Saturday)

omg iamsofedup my guy sounds just like yours. pretends that he comes from money, name drops (his dad works as a sound mixer in LA, so he'd "meet" people on set when he visited his dad.) he used to say his family had millions stashed away, he bought his brand new car himself, in cash. all paid for. and bought his first house at about 20 years of age on his own. truth is? his credit sucks. parents help him with everything. his "millions" just happened to disappear when the IRS found they were evading taxes on it. yada yada. he can't pay bills ever!!! i remember so many times being at his house and companys would call threatening to turn off his power, gas, water, exc. even showed at the house a few times. lmao! what a liar. i had liked him because i thought he was financially independent and an adult. truth is,even his phone, simplest thing as a phone, he's on his dads plan and daddy pays for it. this man is 26!!!!! r u kidding me?!

but that's how he attracts some of his OW too. flashing his parents money, (that they don't really have a lot of anymore thanks to the blood sucking kids)

but anyways, my SO had 5 As, as far as i know. does he care? i don't think so. he always says "i've already said i'm sorry." yea cause once is enough. and when i ask him how he feels about the As, it's all about him. nothing about how he hurt me. or even how he hurt the OW who didn't know about me (some kind of remorse for anyone other than himself.)

i don't know if i can truly move past it. i think he's a serial cheater and will never change. and the only reason he's doing this act now is because of my baby (can't wait until shes born ) his whole deal is he wants to appear as a normal, successful, yada yada adult. appearances are EVERYTHING to him. being from LA and growing up around the film industry i guess..... it's not about the appearances being tru. no. he can be whomever he wants as long as his appearances never change.

shallow asshole. (my 4th dday anniversarys coming up, can you tell?) seriously after seeing what the first one did why continue and find new ones?!


nothing is ever truly impossible

Posts: 635 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Arizona
GainingStrength
New Member
Member # 24886
Concerned  Posted: 11:56 PM, July 25th (Saturday)

Hi Wifehad5 and thank you so much for your advice.
I am working up the courage to see an attorney. Over the past couple of weeks I have made up my mind that I am going to seek counseling for myself and also talk to an attorney. I need to find out why I have taken this abuse for soooo many years. I seem to have no boundaries and my tolerance for emotional pain is plain ridiculous. Why do I accept this?!! I think if I take these first 2 steps, I can actually gain a little confidence and take back my life. I'm trying. Thank you again for responding to my post.


BW (ME)45
WH 50
Married 24 years, together 26, 2 children

WH has had 2 A's, that I know of and still in LTA.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2009
Rosegarden
New Member
Member # 22610
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, August 8th (Saturday)

Lucky me, I get to join this club. My WH is a real mess, due to a lot of crap from his childhood. He started out going to massage parlors with happy endings, then 3 affairs that I know of. He is also a great liar, and will cover his ass at all costs. He wants everyone to think he's a nice guy, so he is desperate to protect his image.

I know he has self-esteem issues, and these affairs revolved around being needed by these OW. He is deeply involved with OW#3, who is married, and desperately trying to get him to dump me and be with her. He is allowing this to happen as he is 'too weak to let go'.

I have asked him to leave and I am not sure at this point if I am willing to do anything to save the marriage. We have kids, but I don't think they will be too upset, as he has been living the 'single man trapped in a married man's body' lifestyle for several years.

Since he started these affairs, he has changed. He became cold, emotionally distant, angry at the kids and I about small stuff, selfish, and arrogant.

Now that he is out, I thought he would be happy since he could be with his 'soul-mate' but he is trying to come back. He thinks we will talk and he will be home in a week or so, but he is still in contact with OW#3. I really think he wants to keep us both, but I'm not willing to play that game and he is getting upset. I also don't trust him anymore, and I don't know if I even love him, after all the crap he has put me through. I'm planning on telling him to just get the rest of his stuff and go.

I wish I knew why he tries to make me feel guilty by telling me he 'wants his family back' when he is still lying and carrying on with OW#3. Was anyone else told that the affair was only for sex, not love, therefore it was meaningless? We were having sex regularly, so he was not going without. Not sure why he had to go elsewhere as well, unless its to do with his low self-esteem.

I'm just sick of all the drama and I don't know if I care enough to save this marriage.



If the colour of my clothes just happens to match the colour of my eyes and nailpolish...is that a sign of the apocalypse?


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: somewhere in Canada
mommy22
New Member
Member # 25962
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, November 9th (Monday)

Found out on 10/21 about my H's 4th A! I was ready to D when he begged and pleaded to stay and said he would do ANYTHING to fix this. He moved into the guest bedroom for now and I'm just trying to wrap my head around this again and fight the feeling of complete loss and being overwhelmed. So it's only been 2 1/2 weeks since this recent d-day and so far he's still here because he.... quit drinking, he is going to MC and IC. He's looking for a new job. (he works with OW) He sent the NC letter, he went to a sex addicts 12 step meeting, he's reading books and posting here on SI. He's completely transparent. He seems to be doing everything I could think of...but is it enough? What does it take to fully recover from multiple A's? I can't do this again. And what do I do?? I just don't know what to do. My MC said the only cure is time... but what do I do in the meantime while I'm waiting for time to pass. I feel so hopeless.


Me-BS
DS- 4ys
DD- 1yr

Posts: 47 | Registered: Oct 2009
blueyes
New Member
Member # 26166
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, November 11th (Wednesday)

I am going through the same thing, my husband after 34 years of marriage has (because of guilt is says) has come clean and told me that he has had multiple affairs and has never been faithful to me. I feel like I have been kicked in my stomach several times. The pain is so severe. He is going to therapy but doesn't know if he can change. What makes someone do this? it is disgusting! He felt the need to tell me about these woman, it seems like he likes the sleezy type woman which he says I am not. (thank goodness_) He seems actually proud of himself. He is going through really bad mid-life crisis. Can men change this behavior? Can a marriage be saved after so many affairs? I need some advice and would appreciate any words of comfort. Thank you all so much.
Debz

Posts: 6 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Chicago
sadlilfamily
Member
Member # 12589
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, November 11th (Wednesday)

((Debz)),

I'm sorry. I am also married to a serial cheater. I am sorry you're going through this. Is this very recent? If so, make sure you read in the healing library to increase your chances for R if that's what you want. Sending you many hugs and prayers. You are not alone.


me: mid 30s
him: late 30s
2 dd, ages 3 & 1
DDay 1, 5/2006, Dday 2 2/2009

Posts: 182 | Registered: Nov 2006
onceinlove
Member
Member # 19874
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, November 12th (Thursday)

Big hugs to all who just found out about their WH's affairs.

Multiple affairs are often a sign of sex addiction.

There's a forum for spouses & partners of SAs in the I can Relate forum. You may want to check it out. Also, if there's an S-Anon meeting or COSA group in your area, you will find lots of support there.

My fSAWH has been sober in SA & AA for 16 months. He is a completely different person. My S-Anon program is helping me deal with the grief and be open to the possibility of having a relationship with this new man.

Recovery is possible but there are no guarantees.

Hang in there. Feel free to PM me.


Him: WH 48
Me:BS 48
M: 17 years
D-Day: June 17, 2008
WH confessed to 6 APs over 6 yrs, including 2 LTAs; now in SA recovery--approaching 2.5 years of sobriety
Status: R


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Southeast US
magtf
New Member
Member # 22487
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, December 21st (Monday)

Hi friends - Sadly, I found out a few days ago that I'm a member of this club now. My WW has had two A's that she admits to. I wouldn't be surprised if there were more.

D-Day #2 was 11 months after #1, and I'm still in shock. I see no remorse or commitment to working on R.

I feel for you all, and I'm thankful that you have shared your stories. I find strength in your posts.


Me: 42 BS
Her: 40 WS
Married: 17 years
One eleven year old daughter
D-day#1: 12 Jan 2009
D-day#2: 3 Dec 2009
Status: filing

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Kansas
cuckhold
Member
Member # 25015
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, December 21st (Monday)

magtf, Same story w/ my wife. Two she admits to. My former friend and her former boss. When i mentioned that several years after her affairs I thought i could feel evidence of her using an IUD (after my vasectomy) she was SHOCKED and APPALLED that I could think such a thing of her!

Posts: 716 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: michigan
prayformiracle
Member
Member # 22845
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, January 7th (Thursday)

how true is it that multiple a's are signs of sex addiction.

i had 2 lta, one for about 30 years and antother for 12, i also had a 15 encounter and the last one where i text lot and met up with ow 2 times in one week but made attempts almost everday of that week. only d-day stopped me from going further with last ow.

i also over my 20 plus years of marriage was unsuccessful with 2 ow. however, while i walk the street from and to the train or riding on the train, i would wonder if a women i am looking at would or who i smiled at would have sex with me.

also, real big, i fantisied in bed using my wife.

can anyone tell me if this sounds like a sex addict or was i just lost (without knowing it) in my issues.

God bless those of you who may be in or on your way to R. I envy you.


Iwantamiracle, you are my everything, I will love you always and forever. Life without your smile, your love is empty and sad.
I will not stop working on me on us, I will not stop caring, will not stop loving you, ever. Faithfuly and commited.

Posts: 412 | Registered: Feb 2009
markswife
Member
Member # 6719
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, February 1st (Monday)

I can't imagine this hasn't been discussed in this thread previously, but I am really wondering why I have stayed with my husband through his affairs. I feel like there is something very wrong with me.

Any ideas?

Thanks,
Markswife


Wondering what is wrong with me. Why don't I leave?

Posts: 353 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Allen, Texas
Lalena75
Member
Member # 27215
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)

After just last weeks confession, I've realized that there were at least 9 OW starting 4 weeks before our D was born and on again off again for 14 years. he had sex with as far as he's told me 5 of them. The rest he just "fooled around with" I believe there were others after his last EA/PA that he was texting inaproiately but when asked if it was he just says "I don't know" I think he just refuses to look at who he really has become, and it hurts me, it's hurting our kids and our chance at R. I'm not getting any understand at all how he could be this person it isn't who I thought I was married to. Why so many why the entire time, why'd he marry me he was fooling around before we got married even. How does someone handle all of this?


Me(BS):35 Him(FWH):35 2 kids 14, 8 Together 15 yrs, M for 12 D-day #1 8-28-02 D-day #2 11-17-08 still getting TT which leads to D-day #3 01-26-10 admitted to 3 ow 15 years ago, currently in an EA with my now ex friend they deny it so we are headed for d.

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jan 2010
CryingGreenEyes
Member
Member # 24753
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)

Yep... count me into this group too. My WH had multiple affairs that I found out about within a few weeks of the initial D-day. I saw through the trickle truth and started digging for proof... found it, confronted him.. he lied some more... I went global-thermo-nuclear on his ass and threatened to systematically dismantle every single part of his life if he didn't come clean. Faced with that he started talking... although in my heart I know there's more that I don't know. Not sure at this point what the benefit of knowing anything else would be. But I can relate to all those whose WS's have done this crap more than once!!


"The truth shall set you free... but first it's really gonna piss you off!"
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house you can never tell."

Posts: 1525 | Registered: Jul 2009
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, February 5th (Friday)

I don't want to be in this club, but here I am. On the other hand sometimes it feels like my stbxh is the only one who was horrible enough to have these types of affairs. So this thread helps me feel less alone.
Those of you who have been through this, how do you process the emotions? Do you ever feel as though WS never really loved you? I do. I've read that he loved me as only he knew how. That doesn't really help me feel better, though helps to understand. I also feel as though I were robbed of the emotional intimacy that a marriage is supposed to have.
How could he do this over and over again with several different women? Looking back when he was deep in it I felt his resentment, I would tell him in argument "I didn't force you to marry me why are you so resentful toward me?"
Duh now I know he wanted to have sex with other people freely and me/wife was in his way. The more he listend to his affair partners blast me the more he hated me too.
Different ones called me names like Princess and Bitch...my guess is they wanted what I had. What did I have? NOTHING! a fucking cheater who could never be faithful. I also feel like a dumbass for trusting so long after our first year of marriage when he had affair I really thought he changed.
Now I wonder if it was true for awhile or just false R.
Doesn't matter now since we ARE divorcing....all these painful feelings I don't know how to deal with. They replay over and over in my mind.

Posts: 4610 | Registered: Dec 2009
imtrying
Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, February 6th (Saturday)

I never noticed this thread. Then again, there was a lot I didn't notice. ...

if you know what I mean.

It feels sometimes like I was asleep or that I was somebody else. I don't know, either, why I put up with this situation.

And it sure hurts still. I thought I was done, sort of, for a few weeks, and then I turned a corner and all the pain, sorrow, rejection, worthlessness, anger, frustration, self-loathing, him-loathing, - all of them bad feelings - were waiting around that corner and jumped right on my back and started pulling my hair.

I guess we sure will be strong when we get through this processing, however we manage to.


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
DrtBoss
Member
Member # 26638
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, February 25th (Thursday)

Wow....unfortunately I realize that this is my group now. So sorry to read each of your stories.

About 5mths ago I discovered my WH was having an PA/EA with a woman while he was out of town. The very next day I discovered that he had also been having a PA with his best friends wife. We began the process of rebuilding a R, until I discovered about 2mths after finding out about the ex-best friends wife that he had also had prior PA/EA's with 2 other women, one of which I currently work with. I discovered these 2 other PA's when I tested positive for 2 different STD's. These A's have gone on for the past 2yrs of our almost 4yr marriage. During these A's he never once acted differently towards me and was the man that I thought I had married; attentive, loving & my partner. Little did I know!

When things like this come out it is so unimaginably devastating. I always thought I was a strong, independant woman before all of this, yet now I find myself questioning everything I thought I was and everything I ever thought I wanted in life.

Thank you so much for "listening" to my sad story and for having a site like this where others in my same shoes can share their thoughts and feelings. I look forward to finding strength and support from each of you and your shared struggles.

God Bless!!


Me: BW-42
Him: WS-39
Dday #1: 9/2/2009
Dday #2: 11/15/2009
Dday #3: 2/3/2012
6 OW
Separated/Divorcing: 2/3/2012

~ From my pain comes wisdom ~


Posts: 76 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: USA
aNewReality
Member
Member # 26821
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, March 7th (Sunday)

I just found this group and feel the sane way as all of you. My 5 year marriage was a complete joke - one that I wasnt in on - since my stbxwh started online affairs, kissing other women, and then a full-on EA/PA while I was pregnant with our first child last year. We are in the divorce process and he seems to have happily moved on with life and the ow.

I try not to, but I feel so ashamed - to have been cheated on so many ways, so many times. I feel like I mustve sucked as a wife! I thought I was a good wife - not perfect, but I tried.

Every fight we've had over the years - those fights that I thought were normal marital fights part of growing together as a married couple - turns out, after most of those fights, he'd decide he was unhappy and then begin retreating to his fantasy world on the computer video chatting and im'ing, sending pictures.

He shows no remorse, has never looked back, and cares only about bringing our son into his new life. I was completely a baby vessel and I feel so used and ashamed that I was cheated on so many ways.


BW - 38
dday - Aug 09
married 5 years; together 7
1 ds - 3 yrs old
divorce final Feb 2011

Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: New England
mlpw62
Member
Member # 12579
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, March 15th (Monday)

I haven't posted on SI for a very long time, but felt the need to come back and visit, and then I found this forum, which, unfortunately, I belong to. After 17 years of marriage I caught my husband in an affair, and through all the crap afterwards I found out he cheated on me throughout our marriage, beginning (so he says) 1-1/2 years into it. It was such a blow because I trusted him 100%. It was one of the reasons I loved him, because I didn't think he was capable of cheating. Boy, do I feel stupid. I never once suspected him, even when he went away on training trips.

I can't look back at my marriage with any joy, except for my children. I can't look at old pictures or home movies without wondering what my life "really" was like at that moment. He has stolen my past from me. The one I thought I had. I am four years out from D-day and it is still a struggle for me every day. Not sure how you ever get over something like this.


BS (me) 50 WS 49
Three children, 22, 12, and 10
Married for almost 24 years.
Dday #1- June 19, 2006
Dday #2- Aug. 1, 2006 (found out they were still in contact)

Posts: 136 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Montana
ArialRose
Member
Member # 24735
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, March 15th (Monday)

Mlp I am so sorry you are here. My story is similar. Found out H had a 3 month EA/PA March 2009. We had been M 25 years. He went NC. Through R I have discovered at least one other PA about 17 years ago (he disclosed) and suspect there were other OW. It is so hard to look back on your life and questions everything you have ever known. Question your own judgment. Other A just disclosed last month so I am new to that pain.
((((Hugs))))


ArialRose-BS
in our 40's
M 28 years, together 30 years
3 DSs (adult)
D-Day: 3/23/09, Major TT 2/10/10 5/24/10,10/30/10, & 12/12/10.
Inappropriate online conversations on my part- 10/2011

FOR FUCKS SAKE!


Posts: 2165 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: arialrose
burnttoacrisp
Member
Member # 27920
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, March 15th (Monday)

My WW has admitted to six affairs over the course of the last 12 years. The longest was "just sex" and lasted over two years. Some of the others were just one night stands. About 5 years ago, she was on a medical humanitarian mission and fell "in love" with her translator. We were going through a rough patch in our marriage right then. I implicitly told her that if she didn't want to make our marriage work, that was the time to go our seperate ways and continue with our lives seperately. She said that wasn't what she wanted and that she was committed to our marriage. We now have 3-year old twins and she had a one night stand while at a meeting in late October. She followed that up with counseling a friend through his divorce and allowing that to develop into a PA.

F*ck my life. I now am going to face a life without the woman I love and without my family. I should have been smart enough to know that it was NEVER going to end!!

UGH!!!


Posts: 285 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Midwest
Monet
New Member
Member # 25736
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, March 16th (Tuesday)

My husband had a one night stand early in our marriage. I found out about it over 10 years later.

Less than a year ago, he admitted (while making love to me) that there "was this big girl...". And a few weeks later told me she wasn't the only one...it was more than two, but less than 12....REALLY???!!!

After a few weeks of him dangling a carrot in front of me that he was going to tell me all, I had finally had enough and threatened to tell everyone we knew, everyone who knew him, every dealer he works for, everyone at church, and our children just what pain he had inflicted on me. He then admitted to 7 OW. I wanted details, names, etc.

After a few months he finally gave them to me...but things just didn't add up...turns out he forgot that he had told me about one of them earlier, and then had to cover his tracks. I know he still hasn't disclosed all of them to me, and the phone records support that.
Liar's Motto: If at first you don't decieve, lie, lie again.
Since then I have been on such an emotional roller coaster. He has made some changes, not sure if they are long term or not. Just wondering if anyone out there has survived a similar situation with thier marriage intact--or am I just wasting my time beating a dead horse???


1st dday 05/25/09
M-44 years old
H-44 years old
son 23
daugher 18
son 16
You can't talk your way out of a situation you acted your way into.

A hard dick has no conscience.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Kansas
Icantforgive
Member
Member # 27936
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, March 18th (Thursday)

I guess I belong here... I found out that DH paid multiple prostitutes from '05-'08... some two at a time...

I can't even begin to fathom how I can get through this...


Karma really is a bitch

DDay#1 11/07
DDay#2 12/07
DDay#3- the one where I discover his whores... 3/10
TT#1 (b/c he won't ever talk about it) 2/9/11
Moved out 4/1/11
Tentatively stepping back into "R" 6/9/11
Reconciled 01/12


Posts: 254 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Arizona
MadandSad10
New Member
Member # 28222
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, April 17th (Saturday)

Unfortunately, this is another club I belong to that I wish I did not! My WS had sex with 4 OW over a 2 year period alternating among them. 2 he only saw twice and the other 2, 10-15 times during the 2 years. In all cases, money exchanged hands. These were not professional prostitutes but 2 of them he worked in the same building with (not anymore!) At least they were not romantic or emotional affairs, but still does not excuse him or makes it any easier to deal with.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2010
betrayed_one
Member
Member # 28352
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, April 26th (Monday)

my husband has had 3 PA that he has admitted to over the last 7 years. 3 women 7 encounters. I am sure that there are more.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: ca
betrayed_one
Member
Member # 28352
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, May 3rd (Monday)

I think I already posted here. my husband has admitted so far to my best friend from when he and I first met 14 years ago (3 times) a girl he met in Seattle twice, his sister in law, his co worker twice,his friends wife's sister ONS, and I could be forgetting some. Just learned of the seattle girl and my friend a few days ago. Has anyone moved past all these multiple affairs and actually were able to remain married and be happy again? Please I need some insight.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: ca
MadandSad10
New Member
Member # 28222
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 3rd (Monday)

Dear Betrayed: We are still working on our marriage and it is literally having to start over; learning to trust, learning to communicate, etc. It is a long and arduous journey and must be taken a little step at a time. It has been 3 months since D-Day and it is still fresh and raw in my mind. I am trying to get past the other women and focus on him and me getting our lives back together. It is hard as we live in a small town and I run the risk of seeing one or all of them at any given time. Once again, it is a slow process. If you want to save your marriage, start slow and work or rebuilding trust and most important TALK TO EACH OTHER...

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2010
betrayed_one
Member
Member # 28352
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, May 3rd (Monday)

thank you madandsad10, I appreciate you responding and reading my post.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: ca
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)

Hey look,another thread to join, I am so lucky!

Putrting aside all of the redflags I ignored or minimized, or allowed to be explained away over the years, I hope that I have learned something from this. While I am trying to R after the initial disclosures, I like to think that I will not tolerate a new (after DDay) A.

FWW appears to be doing much of the work that allowed her to respond inaapropriately when the conditions presented themselves.

It is my intent that if there is a next time there will be no thinking or healing, just an automatic 180 and filing for D.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:13 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Lost_Hope
Member
Member # 24170
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 4th (Tuesday)

I just want to say that this site has been a hugh help to me ... Just being able to vent and express myself without fear is wonderful. I too hope that there are people that have gone thru what I went thru adn made it out the otherside together and better then before. I tell myself everyday that I am a fool to want to still be with my H, but think that is we can only get thru this then we will have the rest of our lives to enjoy. Is it just stupid to think that can really happen?


“Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins.”

***********************************
Me: BS - 36
Him: WS - 40
Married: 8 years...Together 12 yrs
Kid: SD - 14
Recent DDay: Dec 2, 2011 and again Oct 10, 2012


Posts: 169 | Registered: May 2009
rollercoaster80
Member
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday)

Been on SI awhile and just discovered this group. WS has had numerous ONS, and one 5 years A, one two year A. The 5 year A continued with phone contact periodically for about 15 years after last physical contact(That I know about) He also has kissed women, inappropriately touched women flirted with lots and lots of women and attempted to "connect" with numerous women. This includes our Goddaughter. IO still am finding out new info even two years since initial DDay.He seems sincerely remorseful. When look back on what he has done, I don't know why I am still in this M. We had been in R. I just found out that he kissed a client years ago(She kissed him and he let her per him) She texted him a pic and he called her back not knowing what it was. He deleted the text and he lied when asked about the text(I stumbled upon the text. He usually does not get texts nor does he know how to send them. I did not even suspect a woman. I thought it was a company that we were trying to contact about a pool part.)He admitted it was a woman several days later. He denied any physical contact then admitted a kiss. I called OW and she confirmed what he told me. However, he had several days to contact her and tell her what to say. So who knows. I can't trust him. I can't trust myself although I do seem to randomly find things so maybe my gut is not that bad after all. He seems remorseful."I was scared." "I promise I will tell you if something ever comes up again." He has promised this in the past. I can't trust him. Don't know how to live like this. Going to MC on Thursday. I think I need IC. Trying not to make decisions as I am hormonally imbalanced.(Just had hysterectomy)

So group, that is my current situation. We are still trying to work it out. I don't know what to do. Even if all is true he sent me back to dday1 and worse because I was trying to trust him after giving him a second chance.


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
thegreatwife
Member
Member # 28119
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 8th (Friday)

Did any of your wayward spouses have a drug addiction?
Did any of them have more than one AP at a time?


Me - Faithful Spouse 44
Him - WS 44
Married - 20 yrs
Together - 25 years
D Day 12/30/09
EA/PA - 18 mos

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." But what truly matters is what *you* think." Dr. Seuss


Posts: 125 | Registered: Apr 2010
Herzschmerz
Member
Member # 29805
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, October 8th (Friday)

Sadly, I'm in this club too. There are at least 3 AP's, that I know of... (who knows if there have been others over the years that I just never learned of, and eventually died a "natural" death).

AP #1 - EA with a "friend" and coworker. We had been dating 3 years at that time. Lasted a few months.

AP #2 - "Sexting" with a girl he met online more than 13 years ago (before we met). She would text him about her sexual exploits with other men (not H though), and H became "intrigued" by her discussions of sex acts that I wouldn't do with him (and he says he wouldn't want to actually engage in either). He confessed to this one freely when I learned of AP #3. To my knowledge, he has ended that affair and cut her off permanently.

AP #3 - OEA with a girl he played video games with over the internet. Their EA lasted around 6 months before I caught him. He has been struggling to go NC with her. He stupidly thinks he can still be friends with her, and just go back to "how it was with her before the EA". But he does it in secret... which means he's still cheating! Hoping he wakes the eff up before I give up and leave.


Me: BS (32)
Him: FWS (32)
DDay 1: 06/04/10 | DDay 2: 10/02/10
OEA plus another texting EA
Together 15 yrs, married 4
One beautiful baby girl together

Fully in R! (and successful Retrouvaille "grads"!)


Posts: 403 | Registered: Oct 2010
lostwithoutyou
Member
Member # 29053
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)

Ugh....
7
7 is the magic number.

I just don't know how anyone could find the time!!
Looking back at dates, 3 of them overlapped. 3 OW plus me. That's a crowded room, let me tell you.

Good God... I just can't believe it although I know it's true.


Finally found peace.
Finally found myself.

It's been a long, rough road.
Glad there was a pot of gold.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: In an empire state of mind
Paper Roses
Member
Member # 19336
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)

Just found this thread. FWH had multiple E/A's and maybe(?) more. he is keeping some things to himself. at first he was open but as I became more and more angry he just decided it was not worth it to be open about things any longr.

Many woman over a period of 5 years. They were mostly not "significant" until the last one who he had a real affair (he says E/A only, I am not convinced).

I have not the "teeth" to insist upon the truth at this time but will do so in the future, I think.

How are you all?


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
DrtBoss
Member
Member # 26638
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, October 21st (Thursday)

Question: When and do the mind movies ever stop?

It seems that my H having been with so many other AP's that it makes it almost impossible for me to get past them. There are just so many women to have them about. Grrr!!!


Me: BW-42
Him: WS-39
Dday #1: 9/2/2009
Dday #2: 11/15/2009
Dday #3: 2/3/2012
6 OW
Separated/Divorcing: 2/3/2012

~ From my pain comes wisdom ~


Posts: 76 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: USA
Paper Roses
Member
Member # 19336
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, October 23rd (Saturday)

Mind movies will get better after this first year has passed if H is remorseful and really stopped acting out..you know if he is for real.

If he is sincere, the first year is the worst, I think so you might have gotten through some ofthe worst but...some people have more PTSD than others.

Are you in IC? A good book is by ORTMAN, PostInfidelity Stress Disorder. I am five years out but had 2 d-days and a lot of TT and a lot of difficulty with H, but it is finally better, but still sometimes have nightmares. depends on a lot.


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
DrtBoss
Member
Member # 26638
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, November 2nd (Tuesday)

Thanks so much for responding to my question Paper Roses.

No, I am not in IC any longer. Was for a while and reached a point where I felt comfortable quiting. Perhaps I need to reconsider that... .

My H has been extremely remorseful and is doing everything "right" (transparency, accountability for where he's at, etc), yet I still find myself struggling with mind movies and sometimes a lot of anger.

I will look for the book that you've suggested and see if it can help shed some light. I know the greatest healer is TIME, but just wanted to see if what I'm experiencing is still within the "normal" range...if there is such a thing.

Again, thanks for your response.


Me: BW-42
Him: WS-39
Dday #1: 9/2/2009
Dday #2: 11/15/2009
Dday #3: 2/3/2012
6 OW
Separated/Divorcing: 2/3/2012

~ From my pain comes wisdom ~


Posts: 76 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: USA
ArialRose
Member
Member # 24735
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, November 6th (Saturday)

I found out on 10/30/10-1 week ago that my H has been cheating our entire M. He disclosed in a drunken jealous rage saying it was because I am such a bitch. He has since retracted the disclosure, doesn't remember saying it (blackout) and that it is not true.


He did recently admit to another ONS about 17 years ago..I was pregnant with our 3rd son.

It has only been a week and I feel like I don't care about ant of them. I am numb. I am not angry or hurt like dday 1.

Maybe that will change but I am not sure that I can even attempt to R right now. I am just in a holding pattern and he is trying to show me he has changed and gets it. Not likely.


ArialRose-BS
in our 40's
M 28 years, together 30 years
3 DSs (adult)
D-Day: 3/23/09, Major TT 2/10/10 5/24/10,10/30/10, & 12/12/10.
Inappropriate online conversations on my part- 10/2011

FOR FUCKS SAKE!


Posts: 2165 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: arialrose
Nemesis0613
New Member
Member # 30134
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, November 16th (Tuesday)

Suspected Fall 09 something not right when he forgot to log out of his partition on computer and found a profile on tagged.com. Confronted him. Told me was just like FB only lesser known. (Really how dumb do you think I am?). Told him didn't trust him and wouldn't. Nagged him to death about separate partitions on computers, he finally took password off his. Thought he had buried his shit deep enough in folders.

April started searching in earnest took until July to find everything I felt was enough to confront with.
I recovered the "c" drive to find everything that was deleted, downloaded and de-coded the Yahoo IM archives. Figured out the security question answers to 1 of 2 email accounts. Found emails, IM's, pictures, Opened every folder and found everything.

Hit him between the eyes with it July 18th 2010.

I then proceeded to email all of the OW's and introduce them to each other and I introduced myself as the cold-hearted bitch that he was was forced to put up with. Wanted them all to know he wasn't that "lonely" as he had so many "friends" he was being kept company by. Oh and hacked the cell phone as well although couldn't get into the voice mail and text messages. But #'s were stored from and to.
Made him cancel email account, get new cell phone and #. Made him delete everything off computer, Delete all profiles, etc. Took until recently for all of this to happen. He kept dragging his feet. Felt he was doing enough..etc, TT on and off. Kept digging because 1+1 didn't =2.

Couldn't understand and still doesn't really why I need to talk about A. Why I need details etc. Of course it's my fault I was cold, our relationship etc. Well WTF I was in same exact relationship...I didn't cheat.

Recently found more IM archives but couldn't de-code them they were corrupt files on old computer but were from 05 & 06. So this has been going on for most of the time we've been married.
He says no sex, only fondling, kissing, talking etc...YEA RIGHT!
Really, is that ALL it was?!!

He says he's trying. I see some changes but not enough for me to start believing again. And why am I now all of a sudden so special and not the Demon spawn from hell that I have been ?

I doubt everything especially my own judgement. I trigger constantly, at this point the sadness is almost gone and have just been mad as hell, I wake up some days just wanting to spit nails and shit razor wire.
I've lost 20lbs, I've had a bad case of shingles, not to mention the tension headaches and stomach issues from the stress.
I snap at my poor DS sometimes and have almost no patience. I feel like shit after I holler at him. we have tried to keep things from him but it's hard in an apartment,
DD is at College out of state and has thankfully been spared the drama.
Thank goodness I am employed and like my job or I would have lost my mind without it.

I'm sure I forgot a lot but ask away if you want more info.

P.S. My brain will run way ahead of my fingers so I may edit a lot.


Me-BS 40
Him-WS 45
Married 8yrs
DS-6 (ours)
DD-18 (mine)
DDay-07/18/10
5OW - PA's over 2 1/2yrs (that I know of) many before that I don't since 2003
Many others for Cybersex, chat,phone sex.
___________________________________
There

Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: New England
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, November 19th (Friday)

((((Nemesis))))

Hugs to you. It sounds like your WS is still defensive and blaming everyone else but himself. Please read up on the 180. Please know that your husband is trying to avoid the deep shame he is feeling about having to set up a profile for himself on Tagged: issues of pride, shame, self-dislike must all be at play. But they are his issues and you are not his mother. Now it is really important for you to detach and realise he was trying to fill a void, (literally that - an absence of self) in himself, and that nothing you could have done would have filled that. Focus now on what you want from your life, and who you want to be. It is of course important for all of us BSs to try to walk a mile in our WS's shoes (not literally) to try to 'understand' and accept. But that understanding is their job, only they can do it. Your WS does not yet realise how much he 'effed' up something precious - himself, as well as your M; for now, you can only be precious to yourself, and for yourself: his actions, now, and then, do not define you - YOU define you. Day by day, one step at a time. YOU are still there, even in absolute darkness, you and all your senses and you can breathe, and you can even sing. And you can listen. Listen well, you can learn many things.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Chestersmom
New Member
Member # 30273
Frustrated  Posted: 11:29 AM, December 3rd (Friday)

I am trying a R with my WH - he had his first A 20 years ago, which I found out and thought it was just a huge mistake and it took 2 years to get balanced again. But this past year, first D-day 2-5, thought it had lasted 2 years; 2nd D-day Aug. 2010, found out it had lasted 10 years plus 11 others over the course of our 40 yr. relationship; 7 ONS, 2 2NS, and 2 4-9 month relationships in addition to the recent 10 year one. He's done everything by the book - terrible remorse, answering Q's, counseling, promising to change, etc. Has been an overall good husband and father. I am wracked with indecision. Have always loved this man. So - he's doing all he can, but due to this horrible history, how can I ever trust again??? Anyone in a similar situation?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ohio
sootired
Member
Member # 22952
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, December 7th (Tuesday)

I have been browsing thru the posts and can say I am very surprised that there are so few men. there must be some odd reason why that a shrink could explain

My WW has had at least 2 PAs that she admits to (because I caught her)and tends to confuse friendships and EAs. I spent waayyyy too much time putting out fires and decided it was not worth it. We are still married, but only because she is classic cake eater, text book in fact and I can't bare to hurt my kid and since my lawyer told me I would never get them unless she gives them up, I am temporarily stuck in limbo. In a way I don't mind, my life is richin other ways and my kids deserve a chance at happiness, so I can put mine on hold for a while.
Don't be afraid to reach out when you need help, I used to be, but it is better to have support.


Me 42 BH
Her 35 WW-15 month EA followed by ONS(so she says) with another
seem to be in full R (i hope)
In R since 4/09 (I think)
6/10 realize it was False R all along
2011 cautiously in R

Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow


Posts: 385 | Registered: Feb 2009
Charis_Grace
New Member
Member # 30400
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, December 14th (Tuesday)

I found out on July 1st and the subsequent days that WH was never faithful during our short husband and had at least (admitted to) 5 SA and numerous EA. Trickling truth went on until about September and I have only recently seen true remorse (or at least what looks like it) and changes in his behavior. I dont know what was worse- that my life was a lie and he's been with at least FIVE women, that he treated me like I was scum and I always thought our marital troubles were my fault, or the TT even after he was found out.

We have been separated since the discovery and in MC with a very wise and helpful nouthetic counselor. I have my ups and downs and some days reconciliation seems possible and others it doesnt. Its definitely a rollercoaster of emotions and I wish it could just be more clear whether or not I should reconcile. The problem for me is, even if he legitimately changes and becomes the man I thought I had and who I need and want, can I go back to the relationship knowing what I know?


BS: 26
WH: 27
Married for 3, together for 8 total
Dday #1: 7/1/10 #2: 7/2/10 #3: 8/4/10 #4: 9/10
Admitted to 5 PA, numerous EA
TT until December 2010
S but Im healing
Not sure about R yet
"Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom"

Posts: 28 | Registered: Dec 2010
Hurtful1973
New Member
Member # 30401
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, December 14th (Tuesday)

Married for 7 yrs and my husband has had MA and 2 babies along with these women. In 2006 I found out he had and A we R and things were just great. Then only to find out later he had a child with another woman so it was two. We went throught a lengthy R process but we made it. I though life was just wonderful. Then just 4 weeeks to today he sit me down and told me had had a 6 month old by the woman he had an A with in 2006 and I'm thinking it may be more A I don't know about. I have wanted children and got off BC immediately after getting married. It makes me mad he can have these children and I couldn't have one. The sad part I still love him but I knows its over. I can't deal with this again. I thought life was good. I thought we were happy. He still wants his marriage to work but wants to give me space.


M-7yrs (T-15yrs)
BW-37
CH-38
No children
D-Day 1st A-05 then off/on yrs OC 6 mo ago
D-Day-2A 07 & OC-08

"Pain if inevitable but Misery is a choice"


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurt_wife
New Member
Member # 30414
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, December 15th (Wednesday)

New to the board and haven't posted my story on my profile yet but I thought I'd post here. My WH has only had one PA but there was a lot of TT to it and have been a lot of incidences of online dating sites, porn, FB and myspace messages to women, texting and calls on his phone and more. I think it's finally sunk into him that all of it is wrong!!! and we're trying to R. I just wonder sometimes if it's already happened more than once what will finally make it stop.


Me (BS) married to Him (WH) for 5 years, together 7

Two beautiful kids with a third on the way

1 PA, numerous online incidents


Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2010
mc2010
Member
Member # 29939
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, January 11th (Tuesday)

SO cheated on me with 6 different women physically, that I know of. And who knows how many he was sexting with. Of the six, he slept with four and only fooled around with two. I had a feeling in my gut that he was fucking around, but I thought it had more to do with past relationships where I've been cheated on and when I would bring up these feelings he would make me feel crazy and even told me "we are better than this insecure needy relationship that this has turned into." If I had only known! Anyways he left his email open one day and I looked through it, found naked pics of women and couldn't bring myself to look anymore. When he got home I said "I'm going to give you a chance to confess." He said ok, told me to sit down and couldn't bring himself to say anything. So I just said "you're cheating on me, aren't you." And from there he pretty much spilled the beans. He agreed to NC right away and the rest of the "deal" (transparency, MC, etc.) within the next week. So far things seem to be going well, but only time will tell.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Washington
uniquenewyork
Member
Member # 30811
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, February 11th (Friday)

So, my W cheated on me while we were engaged. It was an EA/PA, but I don't know if they ever had sex. We managed to patch things up and we got married. Fast forward a few years. At one point she tells me that her former work partner (with whom she had a falling out and they were now enemies) was threatening to come to me with information about her "fling" with a guy at a conference. Apparently nothing happened, but she was very interested, and she had said something to that effect her her partner at this conference. His take was that he had to talk her out of having that affair. She didn't see it that way.
FF another year. I find out she's been having an affair with a guy for about 8 months. FF to last Sept. (2010), and I find that she is having an EA with her now work partner. (Don't know about PA).
So, am I stupid or what?


Me(BS): 44/Her(WS): 43
S:11,D:8,D:6
Affair with OM#1 before we were married.
Couple day fling w/ OM#2
Me as a WS: late '07-early '08.
EA/PA with OM#3: 2/16/09 (many D-days after, broken NC.)
EA/PA with OM#4: Found September '10; PA

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
uniquenewyork
Member
Member # 30811
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, February 11th (Friday)

So, my W cheated on me while we were engaged. It was an EA/PA, but I don't know if they ever had sex. We managed to patch things up and we got married. Fast forward a few years. At one point she tells me that her former work partner (with whom she had a falling out and they were now enemies) was threatening to come to me with information about her "fling" with a guy at a conference. Apparently nothing happened, but she was very interested, and she had said something to that effect her her partner at this conference. His take was that he had to talk her out of having that affair. She didn't see it that way.
FF another year. I find out she's been having an affair with a guy for about 8 months. FF to last Sept. (2010), and I find that she is having an EA with her now work partner. (Don't know about PA).
So, am I stupid or what? How many more have there been?


Me(BS): 44/Her(WS): 43
S:11,D:8,D:6
Affair with OM#1 before we were married.
Couple day fling w/ OM#2
Me as a WS: late '07-early '08.
EA/PA with OM#3: 2/16/09 (many D-days after, broken NC.)
EA/PA with OM#4: Found September '10; PA

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, February 11th (Friday)

I count 4 that you know of. Who knows howmany other times she reached out to others? Until she finds out why she percieives a need for her A's they will likely continue. Why does she have poor bondaries, why does she need external validation. Has she had any IC to work on these issues?

What are you willing to accept?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
uniquenewyork
Member
Member # 30811
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, February 14th (Monday)

I know--4--that I know of. She told me last week that she was going to seek out IC for her drinking problem. So far, she hasn't made the call...
I am not willing to accept any more. I am not sure that I can accept what has already taken place.


Me(BS): 44/Her(WS): 43
S:11,D:8,D:6
Affair with OM#1 before we were married.
Couple day fling w/ OM#2
Me as a WS: late '07-early '08.
EA/PA with OM#3: 2/16/09 (many D-days after, broken NC.)
EA/PA with OM#4: Found September '10; PA

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
Rose 45
New Member
Member # 31215
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, February 17th (Thursday)

I am also a member of this club! My WH had multiple online A's with strangers, two ONS's (supposedly a year apart, but same OW-drunken bar slut ). And in the aftermath of finding out about these anonymous A's, I learned there was also at the same time a LT (2 yrs) EA with his high school gf, who had tracked him down via FB. That was the worst one, because he already had a history with her, even though it was over 20 years ago. What started out as 2 friends catching up, quickly progressed into explicit email, texting, IM, phone calls, etc. and finally to her trying to convince him to visit her, which didn't happen but only because she lives 800 miles away.
He claimed the online A's were pretty much the same to him as buying x-rated magazines or videos (so buy a magazine, for God's sake!) We have been in R for 13 mos. with one (that I know of) backslide 6 mos ago. Everyday is a new challenge, some days I want to hug him, other days I want to beat him with his golf clubs. I still check up on him almost daily and haven't found anything in a long time....maybe he's really changed, maybe he's just being more careful. Who knows?


Me--BW 45
Him--WS 42
DDay--1/22/2010
Married 20 yrs
ONS, EA
Reconciling
Somedays are better than others

Posts: 4 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: toledo,oh
mc2010
Member
Member # 29939
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, April 19th (Tuesday)

Is there anyone out there who has successfully R'd after multiple affairs?? Could use some positivity right about now...

Posts: 118 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Washington
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, April 20th (Wednesday)

Hi mc2010

Can't say we've reconciled but things are looking good at present. I'm feeling Very optimistic.

Good luck to you

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ThePilotsWife86
Member
Member # 31596
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, April 20th (Wednesday)

Sadly I'm a member of this group...4 that I know of in the last 3 yrs. Now that I think back...I do believe he has been doing this all along. It just sickens me!


Me 49
WH 59
2 Daughters 17/22
D-day 11-8-09
D-day #2 1-4-10
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."

Posts: 178 | Registered: Mar 2011
Miss.ery
Member
Member # 32030
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, April 29th (Friday)

I am on this list. I posted it what I know in "my story".
It SUX!


BS - me 42
WS - 36
M-9.5 years
DDay - 3/22/23/24 & 4/25 2011
2 kids - age 8 & 5
Status - Finally Known - Separated

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: CT
Just-a-Statistic
Member
Member # 31244
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, May 2nd (Monday)

I'm here too. Three over the space of 6 years, all cumulative. Details in my profile. Not sure but suspect there were others that did not leave a trail of emails behind. It sux badly. As one of my friends who happens to be a multiple offender himself said of my situation when I talked to him, "better three than one", it means that they did not mean anything to him (my H).
Is that supposed to make me feel better?
I responded with "oh, gee, thanks for that perspective! now I can go home and tell him to keep going - the more the better! That way I know he loves ME while he is fucking them! it's a good news story after all!"


Me: 50; Him: 52
DDay 6/1/11; 3 known OWs

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: far away
katiej
Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, May 2nd (Monday)

I'm a survivor of multiples and after 4+ years from the final d-day we have a strong marriage minus the occasional triggers and questions that still come up. After more than 6 years of A's with more than 5 women and many of them EA/PA's there are a multitude of triggers.

I'm not in lala land either. My FWH has done a ton of hard work through IC,MC,etc.etc.etc. and I've seen lasting changes, consistent for 4 years. Of course, I pray that I won't have to eat those words one day.


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007
whatRwords
New Member
Member # 32123
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 18th (Wednesday)

[This message edited by whatRwords at 1:49 PM, May 18th (Wednesday)]


BW-45(me)
WH-47
Married 21 years
Kids: 13,16,18 (girls)
Final DD: 02/13/2011
OW# 1,2,3,4 (PA/EA,MC,IC,NC)

Trying to Repair...

Two Steps forward..Three steps Back.


Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2011
whatRwords
New Member
Member # 32123
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, May 18th (Wednesday)

How can one heal with so many multiple affairs hanging over ones marriage? It's bad enough to think of just one OW having Sex w/FWH. Now, I focus on all of them. How can one forgive after so much damage to a marriage? I have lost so much. My kids have lost so much! How do I repair, knowing that my FWH has had 4 partners during our 21 marriage? My pain runs so deep..I live in a small town..Ow #2,3,4 live in my town. FWH continues to work with Ow#3,4. He still loves Ow#4. (NC)of course! What a long painful journey....

[This message edited by whatRwords at 8:21 AM, May 19th (Thursday)]


BW-45(me)
WH-47
Married 21 years
Kids: 13,16,18 (girls)
Final DD: 02/13/2011
OW# 1,2,3,4 (PA/EA,MC,IC,NC)

Trying to Repair...

Two Steps forward..Three steps Back.


Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2011
Whisperingwillow
Member
Member # 24550
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, May 19th (Thursday)

Oh dear. Found out last week WS is still in contact with OW4 - phone calls and texts. Found out today WS is having inappropriate contact with yet another woman. I have been suspicious of this person, a business associate, for a while, but he denied anything inappropriate.

I think only one of the OWs was a PA, although number 2 was/is a "masseuse" and touched him for money.

I don't think this latest one is even an EA, just wholly inappropriate flirting - she calls him darling and he signs his texts to her with xxx. I believe his addicted to this form of secret interaction; he has several secret phones. It is not quite sexting, but it is all very flirty and intimate. And utterly, utterly heartbreaking for me.

Not good. Trying to do 180, but also wanting to berate WS. Which won't help me. I wish I could just walk out now this minute, but I can't, and my reasons for staying right now are good, sensible and well thought out. And I need to remind myself of that.


Me: BS 57 Him: WS 57 Child: DD 20
Multiple DDays/TT 28 April 2008 onwards. OW1 -PA 5 months, EA 2 years. OW 2 a prostate he paid to touch him PA. Then there was inappropriate friendship/flirtation with OW3. Current EA with OW 4 since 2010 whic

Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: London, England, UK
whatRwords
New Member
Member # 32123
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 19th (Thursday)

TO:Whispering Willow

Honestly, I can't speak for your husband. However, from my experience..I have seen many TT DD's. It would make your head spin if I included all of them. I believed WH almost every time he denied PA's & some EA's. Even when I had solid proof with texting/phone logs. I kept at it and finally WH broke down and told the truth with all of the AP's. OW#1-was a bonus. No Idea about that one!

My point is...(even though you really want to believe he had no real PA's). Be alert and watch for the signs...I see some of those signs in your blog. I have lived TT days/and many,many lies too. There is a pattern here...Keep digging if you must. That was so hard for me..But I knew there was more to his stories.. The truth hurts, but the lies and deception are far deeper wounds to heal. I know you want to believe WH..we all do. Just be true to yourself and trust your gut.

[This message edited by whatRwords at 3:09 PM, May 19th (Thursday)]


BW-45(me)
WH-47
Married 21 years
Kids: 13,16,18 (girls)
Final DD: 02/13/2011
OW# 1,2,3,4 (PA/EA,MC,IC,NC)

Trying to Repair...

Two Steps forward..Three steps Back.


Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2011
Whisperingwillow
Member
Member # 24550
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, May 19th (Thursday)

Thanks whatRwords, and sorry to hear about your painful journey.

The PA was with OW1 for 4 months, back in early 2008, plus the paid for massages with OW2, in, which I count as PA even if not actual sex - it was physical intimacy.I think that WS thinks that if he isn't putting bits of him into bits of these women, then it isn't an A, which is how he justifies the secret liaisons as being "nothing" because they are not sex.

However, that said, I do take on board what you say, I do need to know the truth, but I am now at the point where I am not sure I believe anything he says.


Me: BS 57 Him: WS 57 Child: DD 20
Multiple DDays/TT 28 April 2008 onwards. OW1 -PA 5 months, EA 2 years. OW 2 a prostate he paid to touch him PA. Then there was inappropriate friendship/flirtation with OW3. Current EA with OW 4 since 2010 whic

Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: London, England, UK
takilasunrise
Member
Member # 29786
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, May 23rd (Monday)

Though I've discussed it in the other sections here on SI, it feels a little "safer" here, admitting to being married to a "serial cheater" and still wanting to stay in the marriage.

My WH is now living with OW #3, but there have been more OW than that. This has basically taken place over a 2 year span. The first was a one year LTA. We had separated for a few months a few months into the affair, which is when they got their own place (she divorced her husband for him). He returned home after things weren't working out, but the affair continued. After he got caught red-handed (D-Day #1) we attempted R, but then Oct. of last year, about 3 1/2 months after D-Day #1, he decided he wanted to separate again because he couldn't handle how I was handling it. But about a month after D-Day #1, I could tell he was back in "cheating mode". Sometime after the beginning of the year, he moved in with ONE of his OW while probably still seeing others....but NOT me, though through the little communication we had, he told me he still loved me and wanted to work it out, but no actions to back it up. Then in April, he and the OW he was living with must have gotten into something (she contacted me afterwards and said he was still in contact with the LTA OW, though I think it was to cover up his contact with me and the other GF), and she got an RO against him. I found out about the RO and confronted him with it and he still denies the real reason for it (more lies, of course). She told me he moved in with the other GF, which I had already found out through my other resources. Again, I subtly bring it up to him....lies and denials. He lives about 80 miles away, so it's easy to maintain his lies, at least in his mind.

Anyway, between the RO OW and the current "roommate" (which that one has been going on since last summer), he must have started feeling regrets and for about 2 weeks, he was actually starting to talk about reconciling, but then, "poof", he stopped because he slipped right back into the fog.....

I absolutely know I'm doing everything wrong. I try 180, but then I start having anxiety issues after a couple of days of no contact, then I break down and contact him. I filed for divorce in March (first hearing next week, takes 6 months to be final in my state) but that didn't rock him at all. I kick myself everyday for not sticking to what I should have been doing from the beginning. All because I still love the man that I married, not the man that he has become the last 2 years.....

[This message edited by takilasunrise at 6:34 AM, May 23rd (Monday)]


BW - Me, 49 years old
WH - Him, 51 years old)
D-Day July 2010 (several D-days to follow)
Divorced February 7, 2012

Denial isn't the way to forgiveness. The Karma for screwing over a good girl is the Bitch you end up with.


Posts: 978 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: WI
phoenix_vs
Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, May 26th (Thursday)

Well, I'm here, too. I don't have anything much to add, I'm just really, really sad today. Add to this he's an alcoholic. A charming, handsome, kind (on the surface) alcoholic who needs occasional fixes of attention from other women. Probably not PA anymore due to the effects of treatment for prostate cancer. But who knows. Today is just a sad day for some reason.


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
Whisperingwillow
Member
Member # 24550
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, May 31st (Tuesday)

Double whammy. WS spoke to OW1 & OW4 yesterday. He didn't tell me, I found out by checking his call history. He denied and lied until the truth came out.

Just after things started to seem better, after some good MC and a bit of QT and mending, he has to sabotage everything again, risking so much for so little.

So yes, my trust for WS did seem to be coming out of its coma, but it was a just some reflex twitching, false hope. The life support machine may well have to be switched off; time will tell.


Me: BS 57 Him: WS 57 Child: DD 20
Multiple DDays/TT 28 April 2008 onwards. OW1 -PA 5 months, EA 2 years. OW 2 a prostate he paid to touch him PA. Then there was inappropriate friendship/flirtation with OW3. Current EA with OW 4 since 2010 whic

Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: London, England, UK
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, May 31st (Tuesday)

Hi to all here

Haven't got any words of wisdom or encouragement just want to let you know you have been heard.

I too am a little sad tonight

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Ghostwalker
Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, June 4th (Saturday)

Your club has a new member... After six weeks of TT, and my uncovering more incriminating information, WH now admits to 4 sexual affairs in 2 years. I'm still not sure I know all of it.

I thought we were on the road to R, when I discovered the 4th OW, which he claims he "forgot". I died a little because he had claimed full disclosure. Now I know I can't believe a word he says and I'm back to feeling hopeless. I told him this would be a dealbreaker, so now what?

I told him I want a divorce, but the truth is I just wanted it to work out. My therapist told me I'm too angry right now to make any permanent decisions, so I'll wait. WH seems crushed -- and it snapped him out of the fog, for sure. He doesn't want to end the marriage and said he'll do whatever it takes. I want to believe him.

Thank you for all your stories. It seems an impossible hurdle to overcome multiple betrayals, but I'm happy to see some are doing just that. It gives me hope. And hope is what I need right now...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
timestandsstill
Member
Member # 29921
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, June 6th (Monday)

Why do I still care and why does a new A still get to me?

I *know* that the only route for us is divorce between the multiple As and the verbal abuse.

It's still so hard losing someone I once saw as a partner, closer to me than anyone else. He agreed not to be involved with anyone else while we were still living together, but went ahead anyhow. After those nights (I didn't know until a few days later that it had turned into another PA), he would come home to me and try to get me to make love to him, which we haven't done since D-day #3.

It seemed ridiculous that he would have so many A's; deciding to D became the obvious answer - I didn't even have to think about it. I was doing ok, trying to plan things out, but D-day #4 has really rattled me.

It just feels like everything has gone wrong, like this was never the life that was *meant* to happen. We have a wonderful DS together, and I just don't understand why WH would do what he did, again and again, knowing how much it hurt.


Me, BS 37
Him, WH 40
DS 12
Together 17 years
2010-2011: Serial As and false Rs
Sept 2011: Moved in with latest OW, 21
OC born June 2012

Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2010
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, June 8th (Wednesday)

timestandsstill

Just read your profile

HUGs honey

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
markswife
Member
Member # 6719
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, June 9th (Thursday)

Hahaha! Geez. I think I have most of you beat. Let me see. W
I know of at least 7 affairs. My husband was a pretty busy man. They were almost all LTAs. Can you believe it?!

I'm finally getting serious about divorce. I feel better than I have in a long time.


Wondering what is wrong with me. Why don't I leave?

Posts: 353 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Allen, Texas
markswife
Member
Member # 6719
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 11th (Saturday)

Wow. This time I actually read the posts in this section. I really thought I was the only person who stayed married to my husband through all his multiple affairs. It's been so difficult and so embarrassing. I've gotten to the point that when breaches of trust occur, I don't even call anyone anymore. I've been on this site since 2005, but stopped posting for awhile because I received a reply that I already know what he's going to do, so I should either end it or bare it. I actually did feel that way. I've always felt something was wrong with me for staying, and I'm beginning to work on some of those things. This is my second time to be married to a player, and I really want out now.


Wondering what is wrong with me. Why don't I leave?

Posts: 353 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Allen, Texas
trish
New Member
Member # 32456
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, June 15th (Wednesday)

It's hard to leave, even when you know its right and you're ready. It's still hard and no one can tell you when. Your timetable is your own. Just make sure you protect yourself physically, emotionally and financially in the meantime. One day you will have all the information you need to decide to act.


Me: BW-54 Him: WH-56 SA/NPD
2 grown sons
Married 30 yrs
Dday #1 Mar/98, kids were tweens, reconciled
Dday #2 Nov/08, separated, he moved in with latest skank/OW.
LT/ST/ONS affairs over 28 yrs.
Ready to be past the humiliation and grief.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2011
uncertainty29
New Member
Member # 31408
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, June 17th (Friday)

@markswife.

First. Much hugs to you.

Second, please stop beating yourself up. A person who does this multiple times to someone else KNOWING their history with trust breached is the one with the issues. He should be wondering what is wrong with HIM. Yes, you should go to counseling and get your issues worked on.

Just try to focus on you (easier said than done I know), and what makes YOU happy.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Mar 2011
katieboo
Member
Member # 33039
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, September 9th (Friday)

Ok, just found this thread. Guess I really didn't think that there would be one. You can read my profile, or I can make it easier.

OW#1- while we were dating. He had sex with her several times, sometimes with a condom other times not. We didn't live together, we were in separate states (both military at the time). I called early one Saturday morning, heard a girls voice and freaked. He told me she was just picking up some bags- ya his.

OW#2- 4 months into our marriage. I was at NTC (deployment training in CA). Discovered our cell phone bill (we had family plan) was $200 more than normal. Found all these calls to another number. Called, she said she was a friend. Later she called and told me more. He denied anything physical. I believed him. This occured right after I tested positive for herpes-haha silly me.

OW#3- He was TDY in Germany. I was deployed in Iraq. It was a ONS.

OW#4- Woman who worked on the same base as him. He persued her and had an A while I was deployed (keep in mind I was only deployed 4 months before appendix ruptured and sent back to states).

OW#5- Yet another girl he worked with. She was also married, he BH is deployed. They did it right under my nose. Many hurtful details on that one. Caught him due to a FB message he sent. He owned up to it right away. Admitted to the others later.

The first one occured while we were dating. The next 3 within the first year of our marriage. This last one started in May (night before Mother's Day) and ended at the end of June. He is truly remorseful (I think). We are going to MC and both doing IC. I feel stupid to stay with someone who has been with 5 other women since we've been together. I've held on to the guilt of herpes, mainly because I tested positive first. Not sure who gave it to who, but I was faithful to him for over a year before I found out. Anyone who knows about how many make me feel so stupid for staying with him- even on here in other forums. Perhaps this thread will understand.


Me BS 30
WH 32
Married 4 years
D-Day #1 June 30, 2011
D-Day #2 Aug 13, 2011
Child: 1 daughter, 2 years old

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again. ~ Maya Angelou


Posts: 493 | Registered: Aug 2011
cuckhold
Member
Member # 25015
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, September 9th (Friday)

BEWARE : GRAPHIC The ratio of women to men in this forum IS interesting. Does it say something about women having to be being more emotionally involved before with the AP and then being "true" to him? Or... is it because most of us are reluctant to admit our FWWs actually sought out multiple partners. Maybe because we're afraid to admit we feel we were'nt good enough or "big" enough or our technique wasn't adequate. I don't know. Maybe men are just more apt to desire to spred their "seed" around.

The abbreviated version of my story is as follows...husband of couple we saw socially constantly confided in me about his numerous affairs with married women. Claimed they all were attracted because of his exceptional staying power and abnormally large endowment. Both long and thick. He told me he had a pelationship with a prostitute while in the military who taught him all the "tricks" of how to please a woman.

When he started paying exceptional attention to my wife I (foolishly) thought that neither of them would actually cheat on me and it was only innocent flirting! Damn, was I naive!

This turned into a 2 year LTA.

She broke it off with him when her boss started paying attention to her. NEW UPDATE: She recently told me after she broke it off with OM#1 he came to our house while I was working. She let him in and he grabbed her arms, walking her backward into our living room fucked her standing up against the wall! She called it a virtual rape! I believe it was concensual. (Did he have an erection when he walked in? Were you naked? There was no torn off clothes. Were you internally injured as he was so large and you not lubricated? Many questions make her virtual rape story suspect.) Anyway I think iot was his "parting shot" just to demonstrate that he still "owned" her. She claims affair with boss (who was only conquest oriented) was only one, whoops, two (she can't remember) sexual encounters. After this boss went looking for other conquests.

3rd. was a young man 8 years her junior (20) that used to chat her up in the restaurant she hostessed in. She claims this was only EA and I jumped in before it got physical. (?)

4th. is questionable. She swears I'm crazy but 6 years after my confronting her I felt, during sex, what I can only describe as a string in her vagina. This happened on two occasions. When I mentioned this to her she passed it off with,"I don't know what you're talking about." Within the last couple of years I learned that sometimes it's possible to feel the string of an IUD during sex. So, there may be a 4th I can't prove.

In retrospect I believe there may have been some "parking lot romances" when she used to go clubbing with her single (and very promiscuous) friend. I recall one instance when i was home taking care of the kids and went to bed before she got in. I was awakened by her as she was trying to mount me for sex. She was almost dripping lubrication. (Or, whatever)

We live together. She has done nothing to help me heal. Nor has she shown interest in knowing WHAT it is that I need. All is under the rug and I'm slowly dying.


Posts: 716 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: michigan
64fleet
Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, September 9th (Friday)

No man wants to admit his W is a whore, cuckhold, but yeah I guess I'm a member of this club. One OM & one OMM found here in the six months that I could track her phone calls, so for the previous 7 yrs, there's prolly 14 others I don't know about.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
cuckhold
Member
Member # 25015
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 9th (Friday)

64, I couldn't bear the thought of being replaced 'cause I wasn't "MAN" enough. That, and my kids are the reason i stayed. 1st MC we went to prior to my actually knowing she was fucking around advised her never to tell me as I wouldn't be able to handle it and would leave her. That has set the tone for our entire married existence. All I ever got besides a few trickles of info was, I don't know or I can't remember!

You still together?

[This message edited by cuckhold at 2:58 PM, September 9th (Friday)]


Posts: 716 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: michigan
64fleet
Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, September 9th (Friday)

I still have a house to live in & get to see my kids, so yeah, I'm still legally entwined.

I thought "I don't remember" was standard fare for this shit. If I had a dollar for every "I don't remember", I could pay a lawyer & D her.

Funny how she remembers the kids' socials, all her cousins'/nieces'/nephews' bdays, what we fought about in 1997 but somehow has no recollection of numerous phone calls or 300 texts, nor what happened w/OMM.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
NOTINKANSAS
Member
Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, September 9th (Friday)

Anyone who knows about how many make me feel so stupid for staying with him- even on here in other forums. Perhaps this thread will understand.

(((katieboo)))
I understand.


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, September 14th (Wednesday)

Katieboo

I understand too. My SAWH has had at least 7 PAs with women I know,(two were so called friends, the rest acquaintances ), several ONS and had a porn addiction. I am less than 2 months out from D-Day. I haven't got up the nerve to tell anyone else about it as I am frightened of what their reaction will be especially as I am still with him and trying to save our marriage. I'm sure everyone will think I'm crazy.

The trouble is my SAWH is extremely remorseful and ashamed. He swears he will do anything to stay with me. He is seeing an IC. I believe he is sincere right now,I'm just scared he won't be able to change his behaviour long term. I still love him but I can't deal with any more lies or cheating.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
katieboo
Member
Member # 33039
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, September 16th (Friday)

NotMeToo- I know how you feel. Any relative or friend that I have told either stopped talking to me once they found out about the A(at first I thought it was just once) or stopped talking to me after they found out it was multiple As. I have only told 3 relatives (2 sisters, 1 aunt) and 3 friends. Funny thing is that my aunt and 1 sister are FWS so I thought they would understand. Apparently both of them had already checked out of their marriages (they both got divorced) and so it's only ok then. I just feel completely and totally alone. I feel like a complete fool for staying with him. And it's hard when people throw it in your face that he's done it multiple times. I know this!


Me BS 30
WH 32
Married 4 years
D-Day #1 June 30, 2011
D-Day #2 Aug 13, 2011
Child: 1 daughter, 2 years old

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again. ~ Maya Angelou


Posts: 493 | Registered: Aug 2011
understandingwhy
Member
Member # 33279
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, September 17th (Saturday)

Though she has been in the medical field her whole life my wife didn't become a nurse until later. It was then 9 years ago she had her first affair. I suppose being in that "circle of HOT nurses" and hearing the stories she brought home was disturbing to say the least. She had an affair with a nurse tech..for a year( approx 8 visits to the local hotel/she said) I had him fired and we got thru that. Forgave her, went to couseling together, etc. This past year she had an affair with a patient. I know this because she told me..She said "I was his nurse and he was my patient and we exchanged numbers and had a 3 month affair. This time I had her suspended for "nurse-to-patient" protocol while the hospital and the state investigated. It was then I was compelled to divorce her after 27 years. The boys had gone thru both(both grown). I know that adultery is an ACT for divorce but I always believed forgiveness was above that..but after the second time..it was enough.
Always wondered; perhaps, how many more.....And thru all this we just had our first grandbaby.

[This message edited by understandingwhy at 10:27 AM, September 17th (Saturday)]


Myself: BS (52)
Her: Does it matter? (2 affairs)
D-Day: Valentines week 2011
Married over 27 years.
Finalizing

"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."


Posts: 189 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Ohio
whyreally
Member
Member # 33292
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, September 21st (Wednesday)

sadly... I can join this club... My WH denies denies denies all but one affair... that one the OW contacted me when she found out he was married and gave me all the information I needed.. she was young but very nice... she felt so bad for me and she had NO idea he was married or had kids. She ended contact with him as soon as she found out... the others even when I had the proof... he still denies... "when she wrote we were lovers not fighters she did not technically mean lovers." really? what did she mean then.... grr... this stinks :(


ME 30
WH 31
5 young kid

been together 13 years.
Dday: 2 many 2 count
Needing the support to go through with the divorce that I need to have


Posts: 157 | Registered: Sep 2011
navewife
New Member
Member # 33496
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, October 6th (Thursday)

Well, guess I will join here too. My husband is a sex addict. Started out with porn,chatting, then caming with women then men, then txtng OW meeting her for lunch, going to hotel with her, then him trolling craigslist for oral encounters with men. The count he gave me on the men was 5(he thinks) dday cam a month after the birth of our son. He did act out with a man in my nineth month of pregnancy. He is very remorseful, doing IC *,5 MC, and I belive is in true recovery. I'm just not sure if I can recover from this. The only people that know are his family and my bff. I don't want my fam to know as I feel they won't be supportive in reconciliation. I feel so ashmed and alone. I have so many problems with being intament with him now, the feelings and discust won't go away, its been almost two years, and I know this takes time, but lately have quesioned how much time I want to invest and if I really want to risk him having a relappse and giving me a disease:( I'm so sad. Thanks for letting me vent,


Always speak your mind....even if your voice shakes!!

Posts: 11 | Registered: Oct 2011
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, October 6th (Thursday)

I'm not sure if I belong here.

WH confessed 17 days ago to an A lasting several months a few years ago. Also to "kissing and groping" another woman and I know he has indulged in very sexually explicit chat with strangers sometimes on webcam. He tried to get me involved as a way of "spicing things up" but I didn't enjoy it and said so. He continued without me. He says he never hid it from me, but he set internet history to clear on exit, changed his passwords regularly and never actually told me that he did. He also spent a rather large amount of time browsing porn sites, had profiles on dating sites and spent ages browsing yahoo chat looking for women to talk to. He also sent very private pictures of me to total strangers. I'm only just realising now, with reading the stories on SI, that some people would class an awful lot of this as infidelity. And extreme betrayal of trust.


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
insecure
New Member
Member # 26851
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, October 12th (Wednesday)

I have been married 29 years this year, not that I am in the mood to celebrate that fact. I really don't think there is a marriage to celebrate. Anyway, I too believe that my WH has been having affairs for years. Found letters and notes in the past. However with modern technology I have irrefutable proof of the last two. Still coping with the fallout from those. Also when talking with a friend who has known us all those years he says he told him many times that if he didn't change his behavior he was going to lose a good woman. I will never be able to trust him again, and I can't seem to get out of the bad mood I'm in. I think about the last two constantly. Things will just pop into my head, and then I realize it was another lie he told me. I'm just trying to move forward one day at a time. We talk about the situation occasionally, but currently things are unresolved as far as I'm concerned. I have a feeling he thinks all is well.


“Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.”
― Henry Rollins

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2009
Dance4Me
Member
Member # 26284
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, October 13th (Thursday)

This is my first post in I Can Relate section. I haven't fully wrapped my brain around the fact that my H has had multiple A's....going back seven years prior to Dday. He had one definite EA (maybe 2), a series of inappropriate young female work buddies (no sex, no emotional attachments), and one definite two time sex act with his OW/PA. So I guess you could say that he has had multiple affairs.

To say I was blindsided on Dday is an understatement. We are high school sweethearts who no one would have thought this could happen to. I am that fool of a wife who trusted her traveling husband. I will never be the same, and I will never love him like I did preDday -- he hurt me worse than anyone else in my life. I have been struggling the last few weeks....and quite frankly, I just don't know what to do anymore.

My old, strong self has vanished- replaced is this person I barely recognized. I am pathetic, weak and unsure where I fit in- in this world. I think I am depressed- but yet I am functioning in my day to day life.

Ontop of everything, we found a year ago that my 14 daughter has A rare genetic form of chronic kidney disease and needs a kidney transplant-- blindsided again! My husband is now being screened as a potential donor. My once safe little world has been shattered beyond belief!

How did this become my life? Why did this all have to happen to us? We were once a happy go lucky family - now this?

Sometimes I wish I could sleep forever....not wake up. But then who would take care of my sick little girl? I am a nurse who stopped working five years ago ....I am prepared to care for her- I once could revive a patient in cardiac arrest...but now- I can't even revive myself- my heart is broken!

I am just so sad today....

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 7:35 AM, October 13th (Thursday)]


On Dday -BS-me 41 FWS-him 42
Married 19 years 3 kids (16,13,9)
D-Day 10/2/09- TT til Feb. 2010

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Nov 2009
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, October 21st (Friday)

(((dance4me)))


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, October 22nd (Saturday)

Edie
My WH has been involved with 10 OW. He is a probable SA. We are trying to R. I see that you are in R. I'm just wondering how you got past the extent of your H's betrayal. I am struggling with dealing with the number of affairs my WH had. My head is all over the place. On the one hand I want to R but on the other I wonder if I am shortchanging myself by staying with him. I can't help but think 99% of people wouldn't consider giving him a second chance. Just hoping you can give me some insight on how you got through this.
Thanks.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
kitticat
Member
Member # 23060
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, October 22nd (Saturday)

Even tho' I have been on this site for a while, just came across this thread. In reading back a few pages, I am guessing that I am in the upper limits as far as # of sex partners a WS has had?

My FWH never was looking for more that a one time deal, so only two were repeats...the first AFF contact he fucked twice and never contacted her again, and one of the prostitutes performed so well he was a repeat customer.

If any of the AFF women wanted to "see" him again, he would ignore them. He said he wanted nothing to do with them once he fucked them.

Sometimes when I think of the # of women he fucked, I wonder why I stayed with him. It embarrasses me.


Me - BS 61
Him - FWS 60
M 28 yrs, together 30 yrs.
2 adult offspring
D-Day: 8-2-07, TT for 6 weeks
15 random sexual encounters over 4 years.
R

Posts: 891 | Registered: Feb 2009
confusedbeyond
Member
Member # 33462
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 23rd (Sunday)

Ughhh- I guessI have to join this one too. Recently discovered my WS started 4 years ago with EA #1 for 1 year, "crush" with OW #2, EA #3, and mot erntly EA #4 which ended with 2 physical incidents of manual stimulation. All along I had no clue. Sickens and angers me that I was the perfect stay at home ,dinner on the table, smiling idiot.


BS: Me 35
WS: him 37
3 children 5,3, 3 mons
D day 9/23/11
still getting trickling info but WS is acting remorseful. both in IC, MC

Posts: 115 | Registered: Sep 2011
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, October 24th (Monday)

@notmetoo,

Have sent you a PM.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
tryingtolive23
Member
Member # 32639
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, October 26th (Wednesday)

My H had affairs with 4 OW that I know about throughout our marriage. So I guess I am also a member of this group.


BS: Me
Married: 11 years
Together: 20 years

We will all reap what we sow, so trying my best not to sow revengeful bad seeds.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Jun 2011
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, October 26th (Wednesday)

Tryingtolive
Welcome to the club none of us wanted to join. Unfortunately I seem to be a member of many of the clubs here on SI. Trying to R though not sure if I can put what my WH has done behind me.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, November 20th (Sunday)

Just found out in the last few weeks that H had multiple affairs as well. 1st EA back in 2001, 2nd EA in 2003-2004, 3rd EA/PA 2004-2007. What a mess. I'm so bad off right now - I can't think straight - asked H for details and got them - probably more than I bargained for - almost destroyed me - blood pressure rising, chest pains, light headedness - just a mess - thank God H retired and is out of that place but it doesn't stop the pain or the anxiety/panic and the stress is overwhelming at times. Holidays upon us is not fun at all - just trying to get through. Thanks for letting me vent. God bless all here. We are trying to R for the 2nd time but I'm no youngster and it's not easy at all. 2nd EA/PA was with a woman who wanted to know if her implants were big enough so ask H to 'feel them'. I'm sick about that one - sorry for the mental picture - I'm having mental movies that are destroying me.


Me: BS (61)
Him: WH (64
Married: 41 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2009
danni
Member
Member # 30257
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday)

Great thread my H has had 3 full blow As and 1 EA so count me in.

I have no idea why I am still married to him. having more thought of asking him to leave lately. I dont think a can put on my happy face much longer


Danni 47 BS
him WS 47
Married 28+
3 children 21,22,26
1st D-day I was 8mths preg with last child
2nd D-day 4/13/2010
2OW same time frame

R'ing ?? yes, no, maybe, I dont know

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
linkin park


Posts: 320 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: massachusetts
greenmoose
Member
Member # 32727
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday)

I doubt I will know all of the affairs he has had. I suspect five possibley six. He admits to four. All of these have to be addressed at some point. Right now we are working on the latest one.


me BS 43
him WH 36
M 15 yrs
4 children, two still in the house
multiple affairs thoughout marriage (five that I know of)
currently R

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jul 2011
Opheliapain
Member
Member # 33596
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday)

I'm here too. WH had sex with 6 women, went out on dates with 7, got phone numbers in bars for 7, and internet flirted with another 5.

He did this all while traveling for work. I had ZERO idea. And I am trying to put my life back together with paste. Let's hope it doesn't rain.


Me - BW 38
Him - WH 33
Don't fuck with me fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo!
DD - 3/28/11

Posts: 173 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
NoMorDeceit
Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday)

I'm in this boat too. My H has had at least 5 affairs that were confirmed. Probably others, in fact I'm sure of it. Nice to know I'm not alone.


BS
Three D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 404 | Registered: Apr 2009
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, November 28th (Monday)

Finally got up the nerve to look at the timeline my FWH had written out for me.

Somehow it seemed worse seeing all the As written down on paper.

The first betrayal was a month before we got married and consisted of having sex twice with the GF of a friend. He then was actually faithful for 9 years before he started on his series of As that continued with brief timeouts until I found out ithis July which was 25 years after the first one.

The question I keep asking myself is "why am I still here trying to make this M work?" His track record is terrible, how can he possibly change after all these years of acting out? He swears he will never do it again, that he was sick, that he's disgusted with himself and what he's done. I want to believe him but .... I guess only time will tell.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, November 29th (Tuesday)

Hi all

Right here with you. Tough isn't it?

Big HUGS to you all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 1st (Thursday)

Does anyone else here wonder if they are shortchanging themselves by staying in a relationship with someone who has repeatedly cheated on them?

Until I was in this situation I always thought that if I was ever cheated on, even once, I would kick his a$$ out and that would be it. Now that I KNOW that I have been cheated on repeatedly I don't understand why I am still here giving my FWH a second chance. I wonder if I am just being a doormat. Prior to D Day, If someone else told me a story like mine, I would think them crazy to stay in the M. I'm asking myself if I can still have self respect if I stay. Maybe this is why I'm in this mess because I'm too much of a doormat. I just don't know anymore.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
64fleet
Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, December 1st (Thursday)

Does anyone else here wonder if they are shortchanging themselves by staying in a relationship with someone who has repeatedly cheated on them?

Yep-I know I feel shortchanged...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Tropicalblush
Member
Member # 33877
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, December 5th (Monday)

Its horrible... I feel shortchanged too... My H has had two As (that I know of), one ONS (so he says) and one 18mth LTA... and then HUNDREDS of online As. four fake email accounts with over 1000 contacts between them. Sickening...

And I'm stuck in limbo-land... should I stay or should I go... but that's another story.


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 46
Together 17 years, married 12
2 DS, 10 & 8
DDay 1 Easter Sunday April 24 2011 he confessed 18 month affair
DDay 2 June 26 2011 - I discovered an additional ONS in Aug 2008, and 4 years of multiple online sex-chat affairs

Posts: 65 | Registered: Nov 2011
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, December 10th (Saturday)

Triggering badly right now. Just realized that this time last year FWH was in NYC for a course and decided to pick up some slut in a bar for a ONS. His usual practice had been to take his LTOW with him to courses but I guess she wasn't available this particular weekend so he had to improvise. What an a$$hole.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
foolishpeach
Member
Member # 34053
Frustrated  Posted: 8:59 PM, December 21st (Wednesday)

Ugh, punch my membership card for this club too.

POS has a porn problem. He joined various adult and cheating websites a number of years ago. He chatted/flirted online and had cybersex with many.

He used prostitutes. He used tranny prostitutes. Probably about a dozen all told.

Then when that got expensive, he got physically active with the members of the adult websites (women and at least one man). Those numbered around 8.

Now, he's having an affair with a slutty coworker (he says he's not in love with her and that she's not very good in bed so I have to question WTF he's with her). In fact, he's celebrating an early Christmas with her tonight. Happy holidays to me!


Me-45
DDay 11/18/10
Sadly enough, still hating life

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Desert Southwest
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, December 23rd (Friday)

(((((foolishpeach)))))

I truly feel for you. I don't know what I would do if my WS wasn't at least remorseful and trying to make things right. I don't have any words of wisdom but know that you've been heard and have the support of here. Are you seeing an IC? Keep posting and venting when you need to.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, December 23rd (Friday)

foolishpeach

HUGS honey. I know it is so hard.

Stay strong.

Love Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
greenmoose
Member
Member # 32727
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, December 23rd (Friday)

I'm not sure how many affairs my husband has had over the last 15 yrs of marriage. I know of at least five PA and one EA, which I suspect is was a PA as well.

He is a police officer and apparently this makes having an affair pretty much acceptable as evryone can say "oh I understand why he has affairs, he see a lot of things. It's typical of them.". That kind of BS. He doesn't drink much and that's supposed to be "typical" of police too...whatever. I was a police officer as well. I have not had any affairs.

Anyway, from the start he was cheating on me, but he didn't leave me for her so I thought it must be true love..right.

For the next seven years everything was fine that I knew of. He worked ALOT.

Then about five years I discovered a EA. Then a year later, a full blown PA. This time we seperated for several months. He filed for divorce and the very damn second I started moving on without him, he suddenly wanted his family back and cut ties with her.

Then after things settled down, about a year later, he started acting out, staying out all night. I worked nights, so I didn't know for awhile. I'm pretty sure he was seeing the OW from the previous affair during this time. I think they ended up parting ways again and he became in involved with a person I will call SB.

(both of the previous affair parnters were dispatchers. the EA was with a secretary he worked with)

during this time, I was digging around trying to find out if he was having another affair, I discovered a couple of past affairs.

We began Christian marriage counseling. He was still involved with the currant OW, SB, but I couldn't prove it. So basically our entire MC he was lying and even had the counselor convinced that I was paranoid.

Then the bottom fell out and my neighbor told me SB had been at our house. I asked him to move out and he did. Right into her house.

Again, when he saw that I was moving on, he came back wanting his family back. This time was different. He went to IC. He is remorseful. He is transparent. He is truly wanting R I believe.

I let him move back in and DAMN it if he didn't fall back in with SB OW about four months later.

Folks, I can barely write how ashamed I feel for letting him back AGAIN! My pride hurts to say it. He seriously broke my spirit and I just didn't fucking care anymore.... He could have left, he could have came back. he could have killed over dead, I could have died. I just didn't care.

I want to say also that during this time, he ran our finances in the ground. We lost our home. He damn near lost his job. His head was so out of the game, the he was almost killed at worked and he minimised it. Another time, he was having sex with OW in a parking lot (on duty) and the store clerk turned them in. WTF! He lost his mind!

It's been a year since that second Dday with SB OW. And I do feel better. He is doing the work as I can see.

I am BITTER at the world. Probably depressed a little. I love him and I love our family. I am just getting into the acceptance stage and not as mad at him, but to OW and innocent people that annoy me...I am rude and have no tolerance. I'm terriable.

I have not shown my face at his department. I hate all the dispatchers. Of course it's not their fault, HE is responsible for his actions but if I can find a way to blame I do. I'm sorry to all the good, decent dispatchers and police officers in the world. I know you are out there.

Now I'm just rambling. This is the first time, I've really been into that much detail. There is so much more. I can't even begin to process it all, mch less write it all down.

Anyway, that is the jest of our story. In a nutshell, I love him and I love our family. I struggle with taking him back. He is doing R much better than I am. I consider leaving him daily and yes it is possible that this last time with SB OW was the dealbreaker.


me BS 43
him WH 36
M 15 yrs
4 children, two still in the house
multiple affairs thoughout marriage (five that I know of)
currently R

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jul 2011
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 23rd (Friday)

greenmoose

I can identify with so many of your feelings.

I got a phone call one week before my 25th weeding anniversary from a man telling me my H had been having an A with his wife for several months. I was totally blindsided as I thought I had a ( for the most part) great marriage . I thought my H had met the OW at a social dance class we were taking but when all the details came out he had actually met her on Ashley Madison. Why they arranged for us all to take this dance class together is beyond me and just goes to show how sick they both were.

Anyway, as devastated as I was to learn about this A, it turned out to be just the tip of a very big iceberg. When my WH finally confessed all the sordid details it turned out he had been fooling around on me consistently for the last 14 years of our marriage and had a couple of brief indiscretions prior to that. All in all he's had 4 As ranging in length from 6 months to 6 years. Two of those were with OW I considered to be friends. One was with an employee. He also had at least 3 short term flings also with people I knew and several ONS.

I never thought he would cheat on me. He was always loving and telling me how great I was etc. Until the last few years when he used to take OW with him away on courses, I don't know how he found time to carry on these As. We work together and spend most of our free time together. He claims all his acting out was driven by his porn addiction and BDSM fetish and was never about leaving me for someone else. ( No kidding. Why would he when he could have his cake and eat it too).

My D day happened right before my 85 year old mother was coming to stay and a large group of extended family were going on a trip ( to celebrate our anniversary ). Because of this I told no one and continued on as if everything was okay. It the timing had been different I wonder if I would have kicked him out. ( I always thought infidelity would be a deal breaker for me).

Anyway, here I am 5 months out still wondering everyday if he will do it again. We think he may be a SA and we have finally found a CSAT about an hour away who he has an appointment with in January. (He has been going to an IC).

I constantly question my decision to try and R. I ask myself what kind of person would stay with someone who has done this to them? I don't want to leave but I almost feel like I should because I feel if people knew they would think me pathetic to stay.

We also have 4 kids. 3 are still at home. WH is a good Dad. I don't want to destroy my kids world but I will if he crosses any of my boundaries again.

greenmoose, are you or your WH seeing an IC? Can he identify what leads him to act out?

This is a tough time of year to be dealing with all this crap. Hope everyone out there has a happy holiday. Hugs to you all.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
EnyaOdin
Member
Member # 30699
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, February 27th (Monday)

Sadly it looks like I belong here as well. If you want to know the first part of my story please read it in my profile. I just found out last week that I am pregnant and my WF had a double betrayal going on at the same time. I am now 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant and so stressed and scared. Here is what happened since last fall. WF and his ex, in October, had an emotional affair. I found this out in January. At the same time he was having another emotional affair with a woman he worked with. When I found out about his ex through his ex's mom he promised me he would try. And he seemed too. I had no idea about the second affiar going on. Then mid February I started to get pregnancy symptoms. We have had 5 miscarriages over the past2 years so I was worried and scared and stressed. He told me he suspected I could be pregnant and acted all happy. A few days later while I was making dinner he told me he was no longer in love with me. I was shocked. At first he said there was no one else but then admitted to having another affiar. He said he was in love with her. I demanded to talk to her. He called her and told me that if she didn't want to talk then I would not get the phone. But she did want to talk. And I quickly learned and so did she that he had lied to both of us. She told him it was over. She never wanted to see him agian. Within 24 hours he told me knew he was in love with me and was scared of his feelings. We found out for sure that I was pregnant the next day.

In January of 2011 he was diagnosed as being borderline personality disorder. We learned that basically the way he sees things is he tries to surround himself with people or events that will confirm to him that he is a bad person because that is how he sees himself. And that when he knows someone is healthy for him or someone truely loves him then he will do all he can to destroy that since it is too scary to handle the unknown. If not for the diagnoses I would be gone. But I also suffer from mental illness (post Tramatic Stress Disorder from a rape, Bipolar - low scale, agoraphobia and anxiety/panic disorder). If I expect him to accept me with my mentle health issues then I sould stand by him as he tries to over come his.

All on his own last week he quit the job he works at where he worked with the other woman. He then went out and bought a wedding ring to wear on his finger. All his choices. He says that this will remind him that he is taken and show other women that as well. He has also be talking more and listening more and has been b\very concerned about how I am feeling both physcially and mentally.

I don't know why I am posting other then I feel very alone right now, very stressed and very scared. I know I love him. As long as he wants to try then so do I. I know what it is like to be udge and deserted by people you trusted when they learn about your mental illness. I just don't know what else to do. I just feel lost and alone.



Me - 36 -BF
WF - 43
dd1- 04/10 PA, dd2- 06/10 EA, dd3- 07/10 PA, dd4- 09/10 EA, dd5- o5/11 EA, dd6- 01/12 EA, dd7- 02/12 EA & PA.
He is a Serial Cheater.
We are expecting soon.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Canada
acompletemess
Member
Member # 31119
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, March 17th (Saturday)


Until I was in this situation I always thought that if I was ever cheated on, even once, I would kick his a$$ out and that would be it. Now that I KNOW that I have been cheated on repeatedly I don't understand why I am still here giving my FWH a second chance. I wonder if I am just being a doormat. Prior to D Day, If someone else told me a story like mine, I would think them crazy to stay in the M. I'm asking myself if I can still have self respect if I stay. Maybe this is why I'm in this mess because I'm too much of a doormat. I just don't know anymore.

I am 2 years from dday and this is exactly what I keep thinking. I just don't know if I can ever recover from this. I have stayed because despite everything WH has done I do still love him. I also can't bring myself to explain leaving to my kids. They are in their twenties so they are old enough to understand but they are also at the age of getting into serious relationships and wanting a marriage that "lasts a lifetime" like they think their parents have. I just don't have it in me to crush that dream.


DDay 03/01/2010

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Texas
Broken hearted61
Member
Member # 34931
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)

I am also, unfortunately, very new to all this as well. Thought it was only one affair partner off and on thru out our whole relationship. I am positive that one is over. That was 23 Feb I found out. Yesterday I find evidence of many more during the same time period, all seem to be over except the one great love. He told me today he ended that part of the relationship but not sure he can cut all ties. Still wondering what is going to happen. But I do know I love him and am hoping he pulls his head out of his ass.

Edited for typos

[This message edited by Broken hearted61 at 6:10 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)]


BGF (50) me
WBF (50) him
DD#1 02/23/2012

TT 03/19/2012
Working on R (03/21/2012)
It's over: 5/5/12


Posts: 223 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)

Brokenhearted61

Sorry you find yourself here. I read your profile. It must make your situation that much more difficult that it is a long distance relationship.

The extent of my FWH's betrayal and the length of time it went on make me wonder if I will ever be able to put it behind me. I also wonder if it's even possible for him to change after acting out consistently for most of our M.

All I know for sure is it sucks to be in this situation.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Broken hearted61
Member
Member # 34931
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)

Notmetoo2011,
thanks for your reply. It means a lot to me that so many have responded to my pain.

I read a post today: Girl...don't let that affair control your life..

It gave me a bit of courage to know that I don't have to let this ruin my life. It is a long distance romance and we are not married. Maybe I am the biggest fool that has ever walked this earth, but my heart says it isn't time to throw in the towel.

I like the above message cause it is really my choice. All I have to do is leave and get on with my life. It is the same like I have when I am in my own home, in my own city. Only thing that connects us together is web, texts, phone. I still have to fill my days.

I hope you find some peace today. Hugs.


BGF (50) me
WBF (50) him
DD#1 02/23/2012

TT 03/19/2012
Working on R (03/21/2012)
It's over: 5/5/12


Posts: 223 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
FrozenTear
Member
Member # 32680
Default  Posted: 4:15 AM, May 12th (Saturday)

There were 5 DDs with my WH and we have been together 4 1/2years but he has really seemed to turn around the last 9 months but due to the A being with people and included places we usually went, it still has me in limbo if I could continue a life with him.

The down side mostly with not being able to trust him is that it seems to take time to regain balance and trust would hinder so many plans and add just as much stress on other fronts then it would relieve on the issues at hand.


BS (me/wife)
WS (husband)
Last DD (12/14/2010)
Together since Dec, 19th 2006

"Chaos begins to multiply, exponential memories overide my sympathies."


Posts: 163 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, October 16th (Tuesday)

Yep, I belong here too. There hasn't been a post here in a while so I thought I would revive it.

At DDay I caught my fWS in the middle of an A that she insisted was only EA. After 10 months of questions and TT it finally all came out. There was a PA 10 months into our relationship. Two 2 1/2 year EA, one with a little PA. and an intense 2 month PA last fall when I caught her. Mixed in there were also a few drug relapses, maxed out secret credit cards, and job firings for stealing. Using one to cover up the shame of the last. It was a domino effect.

We have only been together 6 years. The only times she has not had someone else on the side was the first 10 months of our relationship and the last 10 months we have been in R. Sometimes I find this so overwhelming. I feel like our R is trying to build a castle on quicksand.

One thing that helps is looking at everything as one long situation. The root causes of all of them were the same. Those behaviors and their root causes were there long before I was. At some point in her life she was broken and needs learn how to heal.

[This message edited by Chicho at 1:21 PM, October 16th (Tuesday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
orchidsoul
New Member
Member # 36110
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, October 31st (Wednesday)

And another member.

The jist:
BF and I have been officially together since New Years 2011. He's been a friend of mine for 15yrs, he had recently divorced, and we reconnected in a different way. He quickly became my greatest love in life. We had an incredible relationship, or so I thought. In March of 2012 we moved in together into a home I bought, with a room for his daughter. By May, I discovered he had cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. Each week I found out more between my sleuth detective skills and his confessions. TT ended by the end of May, and it was far worse than I ever could have imagined.
He cheated on me our entire relationship, with the last physical contact being a kiss goodbye to his ex girlfriend 3 days before we closed on the house. But in April he was still trying to meet up with people. We had lived together for 2 months at this time.

Like many others, until in this situation, I would have never thought I'd put up with it. Trying to figure out how to ever accept it.


You've got to let your soul shine

Dday- May and June, 2012


Posts: 43 | Registered: Jul 2012
orchidsoul
New Member
Member # 36110
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, October 31st (Wednesday)

Chicho- i really feel your same pain.
Aside from our 5 mos post dday, I didn't have a moment in our relationship where there wasn't cheating or attempts at cheating. It makes it really hard to move forward because I don't have 'the good years' to hold onto :/


You've got to let your soul shine

Dday- May and June, 2012


Posts: 43 | Registered: Jul 2012
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, November 1st (Thursday)

Orchidsoul

Sorry you are here.

Was infidelity the reason your BF's marriage ended in D? Just wondering if cheating has been a pattern throughout his life. It sounds like compulsive behaviour especially if he has been doing this throughout your relationship. He should be evaluated for sex addiction.

As far as moving forward, you don't have to make any drastic decisions right away. First and foremost, is your BF remorseful and being open and honest with you? Do you have access to his email accounts, FB and such? Are you in IC?

I am 15 months out from DDay and still in limbo. My WH is a SA who cheated on me throughout our 25 year marriage. I never suspected a thing. I thought we were soul mates. It is incredibly hard to recover from. A lot of the reason I am still in the M is because of the years of history we have together and our kids. I think I would have been less inclined to try and R if we had only been together a short time. As it is, I still don't know if I can get past what he has done, and I know I will never trust him again. I'm not sure I can live the rest of my life this way.

I guess ultimately you have to ask yourself if your life is would be better with or without him.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
mommy22
New Member
Member # 25962
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, November 5th (Monday)

I'm looking for people who can relate. I feel alone out here. My WH has had multiple affairs and just a few days ago I found out he broke NC with the last OW that he had a several month PA with three years ago. When do you call it quits? Can someone with this history stop? He says he will do anything and everything to. Keep our marriage together and yet here we are again. He's said all of this before. I have two young beautiful children and I feel so heartbroken and helpless. His words mean nothing to me. I don't know what to do. What makes someone keep screwing up repeatedly when they have so much to lose?

[This message edited by mommy22 at 12:21 PM, November 5th (Monday)]


Me-BS
DS- 4ys
DD- 1yr

Posts: 47 | Registered: Oct 2009
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, November 5th (Monday)

(((mommy22)))

I really don't have any words of wisdom but I wanted you to know you have been heard and you are not alone.

My SAWH also had multiple As over the course of our M. I never suspected until I found out on DDay. I have told him if he has any slips or cheats again we are done. I hope that if this happens I will be strong enough to keep to my word and kick him to the curb, but I realize that you never know until you are in that situation yourself.

My only advice would be you have to decide when enough is enough for you. Is breaking NC a deal breaker for you? You have been in this situation before, only you can decide whether you want to continue. Hang in there. Are you in MC or IC. Just remember "it stops when you say it does".


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
sodeeplysaddened
Member
Member # 26709
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, November 7th (Wednesday)

Just kind of wondering, what is the difference in the ICR threads from SA to multiple affairs? (Trying to figure out the best place for me.)

thanks!


WH - 49
BS - 47 (me)
dday1 - 11/16/09
dday2 - 12/1/09
dday3 - 1/13/10
Dday 4 -10/21/12 - trolling Craigslist again

married 16 years, 2 kids: 11 DD, 13 DS
In process of R


Posts: 246 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: In R.
Issaquah
Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, November 7th (Wednesday)

sodeeplysaddened - I think there is a difference between serial cheaters and sex addicts...I am not sure how to differentiate them however, but there is a difference. I think my WH is a serial cheater but also has some SA tendencies, but not a full SA.

SA's have a complusiveness to their sexually acting out. It's like a drug for them and they do more and more acting out to receive the same "high". It's really hard for them to stop. Now I think people also get a high from a general affair (the fog) but the complusiveness and repeativeness nature is different. I guess post on the SA thread too and see what folks have to say.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Chandler
Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, November 11th (Sunday)

My story in a nutshell: 1st time I found out there was 2 OW's. 1 affair resulted in OC. After 4 years of false R he is chearting again this time with a 19 year old....He is 41 I am so disgusted by this. Considering D.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
stillstrong
Member
Member # 36144
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, November 11th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry Chandler. I was where you are back in Jan-Feb. I chose to stay but he refused to change so I left.
You have a long road ahead, but I believe, based on my own similar experience, that you will be stronger this time around. (((Chandler)))


Me BS 47
Him WS 51
DDay LTA Feb 21, 2006
R until DDay 2EA's 1/31/12 ONS 2/5/12 Broken NC 7/12/12
Moved out 9/12
Legally Separated 3/13


Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
orchidsoul
New Member
Member # 36110
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, November 12th (Monday)

Hi Notmetoo,

No, infidelity wasn't the reason for the ending of the marriage. I'm not sure whether or not it's a pattern from before- he says it's not and that it was more him going crazy for various reasons after the divorce. I do think perhaps it became a slight addiction while he was with me.

He just began counseling, I am not in counseling yet. I'm not per se in a rush to make a decision, but I need to make one because I can't be in limbo forever. He is extremely remorseful, doing a lot right, but also would rather move forward than deal with the aftermath. He's been relatively open and honest, I have all account info, etc but he's messed up a few times in basic rebuilding of trust. Sadly, I'll eventually have to make a decision I just hope he can influence it a little more.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Is your Husband getting the help he needs? Yes, history plays a big part. Likewise, I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again and that's no way I can live my life either :/ In the short time we have been together, I thought of him as my soul mate too. It sure would have been easier if I didn't think we had the greatest relationship in the world...

I hope all works out as you desire in your relationship.


You've got to let your soul shine

Dday- May and June, 2012


Posts: 43 | Registered: Jul 2012
Faithfulone07
New Member
Member # 37470
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, November 12th (Monday)

It is very sad to me that there are so many of us that are in the same horrible situations. I too belong with you ladies. I found out just over a year ago that my husband of 17 years was cheating on me with at least 2 OW. I thought he was my best friend and soul mate. He did so many hurtful things. Things that I never imagined he was capable of doing. Can someone really love you if they can have Facebook sex with the OW with you sitting in the same room with them?? He says that he loves me and does not want that lifestyle, but his actions do not line up with his words. I have given him every opportunity to make it right and I continue to catch him lying about things. All the while he denies the lies (even when I show him proof) and says he will do anything to save the marriage. He will not delete his Facebook, has changed his password again, has a secret email account, still texts and calls other women, and so on..... When he is around me and in our community he acts like nothing is wrong, still talks like we are together and expects me and my friends and family to still treat him the same. I have told him that it is over, but he still tries to call and ask about my day or asks if I want to go to a movie or dinner. I will be filing for divorce very soon. I am just left in a state of shock, not only that he could do all of the awful things that he has done but that he just acts like there is nothing wrong and thinks everything should still be the same. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.


B.Taylor

Posts: 2 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Texas
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 3:27 AM, November 13th (Tuesday)

Faithfulone07

So sorry you are here. It sounds like your WH is still "in the fog" with respect to his As and behaviour. Check out The Healing Library on the home page for some articles that may help you. As you have already separated from your WH and are planning on moving toward D I would go NC with him.

Are you seeing an IC? They can help you sort through your pain and help you on the path to recovery.

(((hugs)))


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, November 13th (Tuesday)

Count me in as well. My WH had A's the first 10 years we were together.

I find myself having a hard time dealing with the fact they happened, many people knew and I had no idea! Was I that stupid?

You can read my story on my profile!


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, November 13th (Tuesday)

TS, you weren't stupid, you trusted the one person who should have never betrayed you. There's nothing stupid with that; whats stupid is him betraying that trust for a cheap piece of tail.

And, as you know, this crap isn't uncommon in the military. There must have been 60+ people who knew what my WH was doing and I saw all of them on a fairly regular basis. Never a word from one of them, because in their minds they what happened on deployment stayed on deployment. I wish I could see one of them just one more time so I could spit in their face.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 996 | Registered: Jul 2012
shawnh21112
New Member
Member # 36919
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, November 15th (Thursday)

Same here HerBlondness!


BH-45
WW-43 si username (melhav)

Dday #1 4/26/12 & too many to count since

A#1 PA with coworker (10 months)
A#2 EA with coworker (long distance)
A#3 PA with coworker (three months)
A#4 PA with coworker (?? 2 months)
A#5 PA with boss (9+m


Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: San Diego, CA
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, November 16th (Friday)

Can I join? My WH has had multiple A's/inpropper boundaries for the last 9 years.

I also wonder why I cannot walk away yet. I feel so humiliated that I always say "If this happens again then..." Then what? I end up staying

This is the first time I have threatened divorce, leaving, not caring about leaving, and digging a trench of a boundary.

I just always feel like WH has the last laugh because he is able to reel me back in. Difference this time is that I had a nervous breakdown from this last A, not that it matters.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 3:54 PM, November 16th (Friday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2251 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Faithfulone07
New Member
Member # 37470
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, November 23rd (Friday)

Notmetoo2011,
Thanks for the reply. I did find some help in the resources. I think you are correct about the NC rule.

I have been in IC for over a year. It helps but there are still things that she can't really understand.


B.Taylor

Posts: 2 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Texas
zanglover
Member
Member # 36786
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, November 23rd (Friday)

My douche stbxh has had lord knows how many affairs. One EA that has lasted for at least 4 years. He has admitted to 5 PAs. I put him out the day i found out. He has shown no regret, remorse, or empathy. I realize he is a textbook psycopath. but for some reason i just cant wrap my mind around the fact that there are really people like this!
He's been gone 2 months.
so created a fake profile on the dating site i caught him on to see if he was up to his old tricks. Sad to say he was - asking the fake me for sex almost immediately. I asked him did he have a girlfriend he said no he was single but had a f--k buddy and gave her name. This is someone new he had not previously admitted to. Ahhhh the hurt is renewed yet again.
Can't wait to D and move on. He already thinks he's single so I can't wait to be as unmarried as he already obviously is.
All of the cheating he did was while I was pregnant... Go figure.
I'm due any day now with twins and he can't even send a text to check on my well being. But his status on the dating site shows that he is constantly online. Just trolling for sex...
How very very sad.


Him: "You're taking everything from me!"
Me: "Awww... Poor baby! You should have kept it in your pants!"
- Zan Glover

Posts: 65 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Tennessee
Notmetoo2011
Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, November 24th (Saturday)

zanglover

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I can't imagine what kind of a lowlife scumbag would not even check up on his wife when she is about to give birth to his babies. He sounds like he might have some characteristics of SA.

Good for you having the strength to kick him out. You are sooo much better off without him especially as he is showing no signs of remorse or any attempt to change his behavior. Have you considered some IC to help you deal with the pain and emotions you're feeling, and to help you heal? Do you have some family or friends who can give you help and support when your twins are born?

For now, focus on staying strong and taking care of yourself and your babies.

(((zanglover)))


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, November 25th (Sunday)

dameia, I would look at the BW that had WH's and I would feel so sorry for them. My WH had a loyal group of friends, thats for sure.
But on some deployments he didn't even try and hide it, so I wonder just how many people knew and didn't say anything?

I know for me finding out about all this at once, or in a 1 1/2 year period has left a hole in my heart.
I do love my WH. I have loved him for 30 years, that is hard to just stop loving the person you have been with that long, that never showed me that side of him.
He was always loving, caring, and treated me well. To find out how disrespectful this man was to me is a shock.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
16forever
Member
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, November 29th (Thursday)

So I posted this in another forum but I was told I could get a better answer here so me and my ws were talking about A stuff one day he has multiple A's we were talking about the last one were he said he was in love moved out to be with her blah blah anyway he is home now n we are doing ok but the other a's were 10hookers in the first yrs of our marriage he changes it to the hookers n tells me the last time he was with one he came home took a hot shower and when it was cold he made himself wash I have to say it made me feel bad for him he carried the guilt of the hookers for ten yrs after the last one before telling ya that kinda changes how u viewed ur marriage after finding that out but I also don't get it if u felt so bad and ashamed why do it 10 times I don't understand that anyway WS that can help me understand this plz


Me:BS
Him:WS
3 awesome kids

Posts: 174 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 29th (Thursday)

16forever,
I wish I could help you but I am going through the same situation right now.
He says he was a different person back then, when he had all his A's.
He has changed over the past 18 years and I can see.

My IC invited my WH to come in with me and he did. We had been both questioning WHY the A's happened, my IC said lets focus on the turning point of his change.
What made him stop the infidelity? What did he do to change.

His answers were starting a family, and distancing himself from the temptation and situations that could lead back to infidelity.

I am trying to heal myself and when the times come when I do feel for him, I remind to be kind with my words but remember he needs to heal himself as well.

Good luck!


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
16forever
Member
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 29th (Thursday)

Thank you tarnishdsilver
I know the outing of all the A's in march 2012 he has changed after almost losing me n the kids his choice he served me actual divorce papers he wanted her n not me they were never signed cuz he came back to me but will the change last what if sex gets vanilla again his words not mine n his reason for the hookers I guess I never thought this would be me and how could he risk my health or or kids to sleep with dirty hookers do u ever feel safe again or sure u are really the one he wants (I don't now)my heart breaks when I see him look at other women he doesn't now I see it I know men look but it adds to my not enough feelings how do I know he won't leave again he left me twice and the pain was unbearable then finding out about hookers while he is telling me he loved her ughhh does anything they say while in the fog have any truth cuz during it I would say its not true but now thinking bout the words said I think sum might be true especially the part were he told me he never fully gave me his heart ,ouch that hurt n the actions in my mind back it up I guess when the affair is going on ur just caught up in just getting them back that u don't know what's ahead and u just say no biggie I will deal but then the dust settles and all I hear in my had is how he loved her and not me


Me:BS
Him:WS
3 awesome kids

Posts: 174 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
Trusttrusttrust
Member
Member # 37694
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, December 9th (Sunday)

My H has had 2 A's and one prostitute. He tells me about the paid one and says it is because he thought he was impotent. We both thought he was impotent and it turns out he is not! He keeps justifying the A and I do not feel he has taken responsibility for any of it. Now I am supposed to have sex with him? Really? As I stated in another post, he thinks I should be further alone than I am. D-day was September 3, 2012. Will I ever get over this?


Married 31 years
D-Day Sept 3, 2012
I thought we were in R. Now I am not sure.
Second D-Day August 5' 2013
No kids

Posts: 97 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, December 10th (Monday)

It takes time..my WH feels the same way. I know one thing I will not do..bury my feelings.

I hope you get support from family, friends and here!


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)

I too belong in this group. 7 sexual A's and 1 with heavy making out and trying to find places/time for sex but supposedly didn't but they said ILY. Seems like it is so hard to get past 8 A's.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
toughcookie
New Member
Member # 37449
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)

I feel the same as crazyblindsided.....
Everytime I learned of something, I said, if it ever happens again, I will leave him. If again, I will do etc. I never had the guts to do it.
Finally, I just had the guts to say to myself, it is ok to be divorced. I still love him and will miss him, but I deserve better than this. I was tired of crying a lot and all the stress of dealing with his affairs.
I told him I am ok with divorce. It makes me feel empowered, and will not put up with the emotional abuse anymore.
I am ok to grow old on my own. :)

Is life better and more peaceful once you divorce from a serial cheater? I really want and need more peace in my life :)

Enough said, still in R for my kids' sake :) Praying for GOd to put me and my sweet children on a good path.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NC
Charwheeze
Member
Member # 37689
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)

I can certainly relate. My WW has had 3 AP for the last year and a half. She's currently living with the latest one.

"Self discovery" bullshit. She's exploring her sexual side that she never brought to our bedroom. He's getting a part of my wife I always wanted to see.

It hurts really bad. She's a monster.


BH - me, 31
ex-WW - her, 31
Dday: 10-14-12
Divorced July 2013

Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Florida
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, December 20th (Thursday)

How do you all handle the idea of staying in the M with a serial cheater. We are starting to look at some definitions of SA and NPD. We see some qualities of both but not all. It is hard. For him it was relationship based in most of them. He would look for women to conquer but also have a relationship with. It's all so confusing.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, December 31st (Monday)

Basically trying to bump this thread...it's the one that fits the most but it seems like no one is ever on here.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, December 31st (Monday)

This thread gets lost sometimes.

I am sorry we are here. I find that multiple A's are really hard to swallow if I look at them as individual situations.

My fWS had 2 LTEA (one had a little PA) and 2 PA. They spanned over 4 years. The first 10 months of our relationship was the only time she did not have someone else on the side.

I try to look at it all as one giant situation. The situation is that she was broken. She expressed these behaviors her whole life and would have continued until she hit bottom.

I am not a therapist or counselor. Finding out what that broken is, is the job of professionals. I try not to analyze or fix. I offer support and communication and encouragement. Finding her whys and fixing them is her cross to bear.

I'll try to keep checking back here.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, December 31st (Monday)

wantreallove,

How do you all handle the idea of staying in the M with a serial cheater.

The coping mechanism I've developed (which I'm not always sure is healthy) is I've split him into two people--the serial cheat he was and the loving, compassionate man he is today. Sometimes I am pissed and hurt and crying or yelling at the serial cheat he was but since our R-day, only the loving, compassionate man is there to comfort me, hold me, apologize, and promise me he'll never hurt me again. I don't handle staying with a serial cheat. I refuse. I just would not survive another round of it. It would be over without question. I handle (and am grateful for everyday) staying with the most amazing man on earth. The way I did handle it for years was make my life all about him. I lost myself. If he was there, I was doing whatever I could to keep him happy. If he was gone or upset, I was thinking only of what I could do to get it ok again. It was a real sickness.

We are starting to look at some definitions of SA and NPD. We see some qualities of both but not all. It is hard. For him it was relationship based in most of them. He would look for women to conquer but also have a relationship with. It's all so confusing.

We've also looked into both. I spent the first half of the year reading every book on NPD and NPD relationships I could find. We read one of them together. (Mind you this was all while he was having PAs and on online dating/sex sites while lying in bed with me at night reading relationship books together. ) Only recently did I start looking into SA, and today we had a long talk about it. After our talk, we really aren't looking at SA as an issue anymore. Up UNTIL our R-day, I would said absolutely to NPD, but NPD rarely has the turn around he's had, so I also question that too now. Nevertheless, the information in the NPD relationship books is useful for us. Whether our WSs are NPD, SA, or something else, we are with emotionally unavailable and selfish people during those multiple affairs. We can benefit from looking at why we felt that something allowable in our lives at the time. Also, I think it's safe to say it takes some narcissistic qualities for ANYone to have the ability to lie to, betray, and destroy the soul of the person they vowed to love and cherish. Just something to consider. So, most WSs might score high on an NPD checklist during or around the time of an A.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 5:38 PM, December 31st (Monday)]


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)

Thank you so much for responding! I can not accurately tell you how much better it is to hear others who understand the idea of multiple A's but not any labels on their WS. I feel so alone sometimes. I know that there are a lot of hurt people over EA's but sometimes I feel jealous and think how I wish it was that simple for me. My WH had emotional ties to many of his AP while also doing very physical things with them. The pain of all of it is almost too much to bear. I try to think in terms of a grouping rather than individual A too but it is hard sometimes since it was over such a large span of time. And I also understand the idea of 2 people in my spouse...the jerk and the wonderful man who is currently here. I just worry if the jerk will reappear.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
Knotagain
New Member
Member # 37878
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)

i hate myself for not leaving STBXWH after DD1,2,3,4, but i listened to advice from family members who said, "it's not that big of a deal, mine does it. Don't leave your beautiful home. He takes care of you. u guys have such a wonderful history."

I should have listened to my own insticts which said...if he got away with it 4 times and i begged him to R each time...he will sure as hell do it again. houses can be replaced but my self respect, health and sanity are much more important and they can't be bought or sold.

things got better for about 2.5yrs, but as sure as i knew it...he cheated 3 more times. IMHO, i don't think multiple cheaters change that behavior without a lot of excruciatingly hard work and most of them are not willing to put in the work. y would they when they always get away with it? and get so much out of it?

toughcookie...my life is sooo much better on my own. So peaceful. it is too hard trying to keep up with a SC. u loose yourself because your constantly trying to keep up with what they are doing or not doing. IMHO...they will sleep with anyone who shows them any amount of attention.

[This message edited by Knotagain at 9:49 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]


If the past calls...hang up...it has nothing new to say.
Me: BW 41
Him: WH 42
Together: 21 yrs (cohabitated: 7, married: 14)
DD1,2,3,4: June 18, 2009
DD5: February 10, 2012
DD6,7: December 28, 2012
Separated: June 29, 2012
Divorce: In Process

Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Western PA
NoMorDeceit
Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, January 7th (Monday)

I belong here too. My H has had multiple affairs, I stopped counting after 5. We are almost 4 years out from all the D-Days and R has gone well. My H is not an SA or NPD, he is just a selfish & entitled opportunist. Soooo he knows that and works very hard to keep good boundaries in place. Some days I just get tired of wondering when/if this will happen again...his boundaries have been air tight and I have seen nothing suspicious, but what about in 4 more years? What about another colleague or employee down the road? I get tired of feeling like a cop. That is all. Just needed to vent tonight.


BS
Three D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 404 | Registered: Apr 2009
PlumLoco
New Member
Member # 38045
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

Me too, I belong here. Just had D-Day #3, the first Dec 2008, the second May 2009, and the last one in December. H has had 4 PAs, and numerous EAs. Thought we were in R the last three years, guess I was wrong.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2013
MFC2011
Member
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)

Just stumbled across this and wanted to say hi. I fit in here - my H hooked up with his ex while we were engaged in 2002, then slept with 3 women on a business trip in 2011/2012. Add in one girl he kissed in a parking lot, and at least one stripper whose boobs he felt.

I agree with those who've mentioned the confusion of not being able to identify the A(s) with a specific label.

He's not SA. They weren't EA's. Some were just sex. Some weren't. One he practically lived with for two months (unbeknownst to me) while on a business trip.

I don't even know how to label each OW or D-day at this point....I end up switching numbers depending on where my head is at the time. I generally only refer to the three women he had sex with in '11/'12 as "OW".

Maybe it's just less depressing/embarrassing that way?

So confusing. Just sucks

Would love to see some more activity on this thread, I'll try to remember to check in here more often.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)

I don't even know how to label each OW or D-day at this point

I usually only refer to the last OM as the OM. It was the most intense of the A's and the most hurtful. It was the one I caught her in. The others I suspected, hoped for the best, and rugswept.

I consider DDay the day I caught them, Black Friday 2011. She told me about the others in September 2012.

Dday was the day our relationship was destroyed. The work to put the pieces together started the next day. All the TT and new info was just part of that process.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)

My WH feels like I should consider all the hookers from 2002-2006 as just one OW or a LTA. I don't think that's fair to me because each one was a new decision on his part to betray me.

I count my dday as the first day I learned about most of his infidelity. There has been an astonishing amount of TT.

I feel like it is humiliating to be in this position. If I heard a story about a woman whose H has multiple A's I would think she was a fool for staying. Yet here I stand, still married.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 996 | Registered: Jul 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, January 10th (Thursday)

Sorry, I dont think anyones WS should have the right to tell any of us how to look at the shit storm that they caused.

I personally choose to look at them as one "brokeness" because it helps me get through the day with a little hope. One problem, one solution.

[This message edited by Chicho at 10:11 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
toughcookie
New Member
Member # 37449
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, January 30th (Wednesday)

Knotagain, thank you for your insight. I feel that I will be better off without my WH. I do no trust him to be loyal to me. I know there will be more, he is just too selfish not to have more! But he also wont leave, says he loves me and will never hurt me again. Jury is out, time will tell if he is telling the truth or not. Putting up with it so kids can grow up happy, not broken.

When i first found out first affair, I sat down and made a mental list of things i want to get done before a divorce. Patiently crossing
things off my list. 3 more to go! Then, if i am happy i will stay married, if not will go on my own. Again, time will tell. But i must admit, fantasizing a life with a new man who will love me , not betray me and grow old with me is excruciatingly a happy feeling :)
Good wishes for all betreayed spouses ( sorry, but will wish hell on cheater ones!)


Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: NC
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)

Hi, I belong here, too. I haven't posted much in the ICR forums. WH had two affairs spanning 2010/2011. They were about 3-4 months apart in terms of when one ended and the other began.

Chicho's comment about "one big mess of brokenness" rings true to me in the sense that he was/is screwed up and I'm not sure it matters whether there was 1 or 20 OWs.

On the other hand, multiple As has me looking at things like sex addiction. Although, my WH isn't hypersexual and the 2nd A was far more E than P. There are other things you have to look at with multiple affairs as well...it just adds so many layers.

I'll be checking in here more often, friends.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)

(((RockyMtn)))

Welcome, I am sorry you are here. I hope you find some level of understanding and acceptance. Please just remember none of it had anything to do with you.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, February 2nd (Saturday)

(((RockyMtn))) It is so hard to deal with multiple A. And then to be looking at the why and as you said the layers of that...it's almost enough to bring you to your breaking point. I check here often so please post as much as you need. ((hugs)) again.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, February 2nd (Saturday)

Thanks for the welcome!

I know I didn't cause this. I'm imperfect, but I've been faithful, supportive, loving, everything. There is not a single thing I did to cause this, nor nothing I could do to prevent it. After d day 1, I had some of those, "if I just would have.. " feelings but they were brief and don't live inside me anymore.

One of the reasons I eventually decided to r after d day 1 is because I am human and have made mistakes before. I felt that, with work, he deserved the 2nd chances I've been given in my life. But then the discovery of multiple As shelves that whole idea. It's a repetitive pattern, you know? a sign that my WH's brokenness is so much deeper than I thought.

Multiple As is just gross. Grosser? I don't know, I don't want to minimize the pain of anyone going through this even just with one A. But I do feel there is a whole other level of yuck, of moral and emotional ineptitude. When there are multiple As, that person is a cheater, cheater, cheater. Like its just part of their personality. No "good person who made a mistake" thoughts.

I'm actually fine. I sort of feel like, "whatever, fuck you, figure it out." It is very freeing. I'm going to be fine no matter what. I know this. I just gotta do the hard work of deciding what is best for me. And that is exhausting.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
SoyLatte
Member
Member # 37634
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, February 3rd (Sunday)

I'll join this one. Discovered OW1 in November, OW2 in January, in the past have found condoms in the car, seen dating websites in his computer history...I fear what else there is I haven't found when I wasn't looking all these years.

Not confronting till June, don't ask, but I know how it's going to go. He'll be angry but then fake R, go underground, and I'll have more DDs down the road. He's a cake-eater whose ego could not handle being the bad guy and leaving.

I would leave him in a heartbeat if not for the kids, but I know he would inflict far worse trauma on them and me if I left than if I stay. There's a bunch of other stuff that I don't feel like going into and don't want to debate here. So I plan to stay till the youngest is safe, then Seacrest is Out.

So for all you who haven't left your WS, I get it.


Me: BS, 49
Him: WH, 49, serial cheater and compulsive liar, possible SA and NPD
Married 17 years, together 26
3 kids: 10, 13, and 15
Was afraid to confront while overseas, now home safely and can decide next step

Posts: 243 | Registered: Nov 2012
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, February 4th (Monday)

Rockymtn, I understand the whole multiple A being even grosser. And as I read more books about SA and hear that sometimes new details will emerge that the addict didn't remember or that might not seem like a big deal to them but will be to the BS...It just hurts. I feel like I'm braced for more and then my WH gets disappointed that I can't at least trust that what I've been told is the end but it's hard to believe that. I look back and wonder how I could be so blind and stupid. Sigh. It is a lot of work to look at ourselves and do the work of what is best for us. I am just starting IC and I wonder what it will be like. What I will discover. And yes I hate to minimize someone's pain but I too have wondered how easy it must be to be dealing with "just" an EA or a single PA. But the point is that's not what I'm dealing with. I am here and locked into this life and it's currently with a man who had 8A, 7 of which were sexual. Of those 8, only 2 were ONS the rest were EA/PA. So I understand how hard it is.

SoyLatte, I too saw evidence for years and at first I didn't put it together. I trusted so blindly with whatever excuse he gave. And the dating websites I was told those were for porn only, which although he new it upset me he was always "trying" to quit that. Who knew it was only the tip of the iceberg and that I couldn't see the beast of ice beneath the surface. In my case though he seems remorseful and so I stay, not just for the kids, but also on the hope and prayer that the man I married is the man who is here with me now. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I too am rugsweeping so that I can live in a fantasy of my making. One where I am loved for me and that I am special. Maybe someday I will feel like that in my M too. Maybe I'm just as messed up as he is.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, February 4th (Monday)

EA, PA, ONS, LTA, Multiple, SA...

It's all gross!!!


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, February 4th (Monday)

You are right, chicho. I remember when I thought it was just one A. And it was the grossest thing ever. Whatever happens to us that is this violating feels like the grossest of gross.

However, I will say my desire to run far far away from my WH increased about 1000x when I found out there were 2 women. Its when I started researching d, d attorneys, etc. And I have to honor that feeling. The fact that there were 2 may be the dealbreaker that just 1 was not. So, in that sense, it feels grosser. More violating. More heavy. Because his choice to be with two women may be what sealed the deal in terms of ending our previously beautiful relationship and breaking up our family. If it had just been one, if he hadn't gone back for more ego stroking, lying, and shitting on me, we would stand a far greater chance right now.

So, yea, it is grosser to me.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, February 4th (Monday)

I understand. When I first found out about the first A I felt so dirty. I didn't do anything but I felt so violated and dirty. Kinda like how you read a rape victim washes themselves and scrubs like crazy...That's what I felt like doing. By the time I had heard about the rest of the A's. Well lets just say I was so numb that the rage only surfaces...well twice now and that's it. I think I can somewhat say I'm still reeling and numb from the sheer numbers of it.

I think that him having SA and my reading books about codepdency has really opened my eyes to how we are dealing with all of this and how we got here. I'm hoping when I go to my first S-anon meeting on sunday that I will find other women who have had WH with multiple A's so I will have people who can understand. It's also why I come here and post with you all. This is madness and recovering from it is hard. Sometimes I think it must be harder then recovering from just 1 A but I don't know maybe not.


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
SoyLatte
Member
Member # 37634
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, February 4th (Monday)

Do multiple affairs = SA? I haven't confronted yet but currently can see his iMessages and some emails, and have recovered some Whatsapp chats. Before and now, he just seems to be thinking about sex all the time. Before it may have been just websites (I'll never know what else), and now he's texting two women and trolling Craigslist. Can that just be big ego and big libido, or is that SA? I know labels don't matter, but educating myself can only be a good thing. Thanks.


Me: BS, 49
Him: WH, 49, serial cheater and compulsive liar, possible SA and NPD
Married 17 years, together 26
3 kids: 10, 13, and 15
Was afraid to confront while overseas, now home safely and can decide next step

Posts: 243 | Registered: Nov 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, February 4th (Monday)

what qualifies as multiple affairs? My fWH has had two, that I know of...
How does someone forgive this? Especially being I had to catch him..?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”


Posts: 3672 | Registered: Dec 2010
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, February 4th (Monday)

No multiple A does not always = SA but it is something to look into. In your case I understand you are waiting to confront so I don't know. Maybe read up on the spouses of SA on the I can relate section. Also there are some women on there who know way more than I do about SA. My WH and I are just discovering all about this.
As


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, February 4th (Monday)

No multiple A does not always = SA but it is something to look into. In your case I understand you are waiting to confront so I don't know. Maybe read up on the spouses of SA on the I can relate section. Also there are some women on there who know way more than I do about SA. My WH and I are just discovering all about this.
As far as how many A = multiple I think that 2 or more.
As


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, February 5th (Tuesday)

1 A lasted a couple months
1 A lasted 4 months
1 A lasted 3 months
1 A lasted 1 month
1 A lasted over 1 year, ended and they had sex one last time 5 months later.
1 ONS
1 A lasted a couple months

This happened in a 10 year period..I believe this qualifies as "Multiple Affairs"

Hope we all find the strength we need to live a happy life!


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, February 8th (Friday)

I would think that multiple affairs is more than one AP. As you can see from my tagline, my WH had 17. However, I do not believe my WH is a SA, frankly he was just a selfish asshole who had cheap and easy access to hookers. But everyone is different, I'm starting to think from reading here at SI that the majority of people with multiple partners are generally diagnosed as SA.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 996 | Registered: Jul 2012
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, February 11th (Monday)

Yea, I see that, too - that multiple APs = SA. That's why I ever looked into it in the first place. WH did, too. Especially since one of his As was very graphic, yet he is not an overtly sexual person...it made me wonder what kind of repressed sexual desires he might have. Not that I think they're weird or gross...just that maybe he was suppressing an SA?

I don't think so, though. I think he is selfish and addicted to any high that might come his way...including the high of As but not necessarily the high of the sexual/physical.

Anyway, there is so much knowledge of SA on these boards that anyone wondering if multiple A (or AP) = SA, you can probably find info. But I also think the conclusion is jumped to (??) because of the prevalence of SA...that we all wonder if it is present in our situation.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Question  Posted: 10:55 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)

Does anyone else refer to one of the A's as THE A?

Does that somehow minimize the others?

Is that harmful?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

Chico, I don't know about harmful but I realize that for myself there are the ones that I don't think about much and then there are 2 I think of as the bigger ones. The most recent one, the last one, is the one I think of the most often and get upset about the most often. Maybe because it's a time in our lives that seems to have hurt the most and that's why there is one that is the biggest deal?


Me,BS 32
SA fWH (masame5) 34
Married 12 yrs 6 kids age 17-1, and expecting #7
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP, 12-7-12 WH sober date

Posts: 195 | Registered: Nov 2012
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

When I refer to a specific A it tends to be the last one. The one with the coworker was such a different situation and we were at a different place in our lives (both literally and figuratively) that it is the one that tends to bother me the most.

I don't think it minimizes the others at all, it just means it's the one that bothers me the most at that time. It's not that the others are less important or that they didn't happen.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 996 | Registered: Jul 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

99% of the time I think of the last A as the A. It is the one that I caught her in. It is what appears to be the most intense mentally and physically. It was definitely the most hurtful. It also had 9 months of focus after Dday until I was told the truth about the others.

They were all so different and hurtful in their own ways. I read people saying that Different A are more or less hurtful than others. STA, LTA, EA, PA, there were all of them over the years. I don't want to minimize any of them or buy into the bull $hit that one type is easier than the others. They are all disgusting and hurtful.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

99% of the time I think of the last A as the A. It is the one that I caught her in. It is what appears to be the most intense mentally and physically. It was definitely the most hurtful. It also had 9 months of focus after Dday until I was told the truth about the others.

They were all so different and hurtful in their own ways. I read people saying that Different A are more or less hurtful than others. STA, LTA, EA, PA, there were all of them over the years. I don't want to minimize any of them or buy into the bull $hit that one type is easier than the others. They are all disgusting and hurtful.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
bridar
Member
Member # 34512
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 14th (Thursday)

You are absolutely right Chicho, they are all different, and they all hurt like hell. In my case, and as much as I hate to admit it, let me join the club. There has been WAY too many over our 22+ years together. Some were long term, with the last one I found out about recently, was over 2 1/2 years. He is 43, and she is now 28.

I THINK I know about them all, but I'll never know. I am still 95% out the door, I just wish I could get a little kick to get the other 5 %.


Me:41
WS:43
Married 19 yrs, together 22
2 kids 21/19
Feels like I am in Hell

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Canada
Broken1Again
Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, March 17th (Sunday)

I refer to a couple of them that were "the" affairs for me. I think for the most part I found out about the other ones before they could become something significant. Like maybe I found out as it was texting/calling. I don't know. If I'm honest, they all hurt, but there were the big ones that hurt more for some reason. Maybe because I've had to build a wall to protect myself. I don't know.


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 828 | Registered: May 2011
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)

Boy do I hate to join this club!

In 2007 I caught WH emailing back and forth flirting with a girl in his karate dojo who sent him near nude pics of herself. He said it was harmless but said he'd be NC.

A few months later when we were living across the country from one another I caught him in a A, a girl came to visit him for the weekend after weeks of texting and talking. I called her and she admitted they had sex, took him FOREVER to admit the same. Separated but R'ed in late 2008/early 2009. Said he'd do counseling but went to one MC and stopped

4/2013 - Found out he had a ONS in 2008 which resulted in an OC he says he didn't know about until a 10/12 court case. he says the ONS was because he was drunk and sad about us being separated. Also busted him in what looked like an EA and some hotel charges but he claims she's just a friend but admitted to a ONS with someone else! he says he did it cause he knew I'd leave him after I found out about OC

He says his lying and cheating stem from fear and insecurities during childhood blah blah blah and he'll get counseling this time. I am filing for divorce tomorrow but did give him the opening that if he goes to IC and reveals all I might consider MC for the sake of my son.

My question is with the multiple affairs can a leopard ever really change its spots or is any stressor going to send him running into another woman's arms. Is it even reasonable to consider R? At first I thought not so I told too many people, now I feel like the pressure is on to D...


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)

(((Careerlady))) I am sorry you are here.

I believe anybody can change if they truly want to in their heart and are willing to do the work.

The decision to R is strickly yours and no one else's. That decision doesn't need to happen right away. You could take time and watch to see if the work is being done before fully committing in either direction.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, May 3rd (Friday)

(((careerlady)))

I do believe people can change. I know that my WH has changed. I'm still guarded, still wary, but he has changed.

It was hard work, and if the change hadn't already happened by DDay, I'm not sure I would have been able to R.

My WH also claimed that the A's were the result of a childhood that left him feeling insecure and looking for love and acceptance. He was just too stupid to see that he got all of that from me.

Maybe IC will help your WH. Only time will tell.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" -Karl Pilkington


Posts: 996 | Registered: Jul 2012
twodoves
Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 6th (Monday)

Hello. I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me for five years, spanning 3 different women. The first woman was over the first 2 years, overlapping into the second woman which has been the past 3 years, and the third woman which was a little over a month. Women #2 and #3 did not know about each other.

None of them knew about me, our daughter, or that i'm pregnant.

I'm sorry that we're all here, but I hope we can support each other.


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 6th (Monday)

(((two doves)))

I am sorry you are here. I am sorry we are all here. But Welcome.

There is a lot of strength and hope on this site. Check out the Healing Library on the upper left side of the page. There is a ton of great info there.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
ShockedAndHurt
Member
Member # 36657
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, May 10th (Friday)

Hi, this is my first post in this thread, but been on the forum a while now.

My WH had at least 3 PA, those are the ones he admitted to, I strongly suspect more as he is a chronic TTer. He had an EA in 2008 when I was pregnant with our first son, pressure of becoming a dad too much to handle, apparently then PA1 was in the early months of my second pregnancy in 2011, he says he can't remember when it was, it was a one time hook up and "only a blow job". Next was THE A, OW2, who he met with regularly over about 9 months spanning the second half of my pregnancy and my baby's early months. This is the one that really hurts. It is also the one he broke NC with 6 days after DDay2. OW3 was 3-4 hook ups when my son was tiny, overlapping with OW2, apparently he used to alternate between the two OW, roughly one a week for a couple of months. They didn't know about each other, but did know about me. When he broke NC I sent OW2 a text telling her about the others and pointing out that she was not special, he did not love her and was never going to leave me for her. I am fairly certain that put a permanent end to their relationship.

He also had cyber sex frequently with dozens, if not hundreds of people over many years.

My WH also claimed that the A's were the result of a childhood that left him feeling insecure and looking for love and acceptance. He was just too stupid to see that he got all of that from me.

This sounds familiar. My WH says that he has always sought validation in what others think of him, he always needs to receive clear signs of appreciation and value. So when he felt undervalued at work and at home at the same time he became depressed and struggled with that. He says he felt he had no control over his life, so went looking for it. The lying and cheating gave him a sense of control. He was also into BDSM, taking a Dom role, so very literally controlling the OW.

We are separated now and have been since DDay2 in March. Though it has been a confusing time and there have been glimmers of hope for R, but right now I am fairly certain I can never take him back. After DDay1 I only told a couple of close friends as I hoped for R and did not want to taint everyone's view of him. After DDay2 I told everyone, now I feel I can't get back together with him even if I want to because of what everyone will think. I know I shouldn't care about anyone else, but it does complicate things, I wouldn't want to put my family in an awkward position or anything.

Anyway, I don't think WH is a SA. It never seemed to be about the sex really, it was about control and attention.

So that's me and my situation in a nutshell.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 33, EA summer 2008, multiple cyber affairs, 3PA summer 2011-summer 2012
Together since 1999, married in 2004
2 Children
DD1: 9th Aug 2012
DD2: 6th March 2013 end of reconciliation and start of separation
DD3: 29th June 2013

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

I am so happy to have found this thread as I often feel bad about myself for staying with someone that has mistreated me in such a heinous way.

My WH's last A is the most significant to me. It is the one in which he was most connected to both emotionally and physically. He also did not end the A until DDay#4.

I am basically in state of disbelief that I am willing to give this person another chance and of course my feelings change from day to day so I'm never sure if I want to stay married or file.

My WH is a very broken man and sometimes I am just not sure R is worth it.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2251 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
RoadtoPeace
New Member
Member # 39141
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

One of the hardest things to do when we are faced with such a situation is to get everyone else out of our head (the WS, family, etc) and think clearly for ourselves.

I have also told a selected few of my friends and family members of my WH's latest " adventures" and feel the pressure to D. But I took the time to think over the past 2 weeks since I asked him to move out and I am coming close to the realization that I need to move on.

I don't know the extent of my WH's unfaithfulness. He still claims he has never slept with another woman while married to me. Given the nature of texts and emails I discovered, I highly doubt it. And more importantly, that he could continue to either pursue hook ups (excuse was he wanted to see how the women would react) even after the disaster of the first Dday means he will likely never change.

Everyone knows his/her tipping point, when the option for yet another attempt at R is not on the table anymore. Or when the choice to R, however scary, feels like the right option given the unique particulars of one's situation.


me - BS
him - WH
Married 5 1/2 years
Dday#1 - 10/2009
Dday#2 - 3/2013
Status - He wants R, I am not sure I can get on that ride again

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2013
shawnh21112
New Member
Member # 36919
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

Sadly, I too belong here. My WW was caught last year in a 9+ month affair with her boss. 6 months into 'R' (false as hell) I find out she had 4 more A's at the beginning of our 12 year marriage. Oh what fun this is...


BH-45
WW-43 si username (melhav)

Dday #1 4/26/12 & too many to count since

A#1 PA with coworker (10 months)
A#2 EA with coworker (long distance)
A#3 PA with coworker (three months)
A#4 PA with coworker (?? 2 months)
A#5 PA with boss (9+m


Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: San Diego, CA
tfkeel
New Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, May 12th (Sunday)


Dr. Phil has two of the most apropos statements pertaining to cheaters:

1) the most reliable predictor of a person's future behaviour is his relevant past behaviour

2) for every rat you see, there's 50 you don't


Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
TarnishedSilver
Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, May 12th (Sunday)

shawnh21112

I found it more difficult to find out the infidelity for long ago!
I asked myself, was I do clueless and didn't see the signs? Were the signs there and I chose to ignore them?

My fwh never acted any different during his infidelities which makes it so hard to get over the fact that he could lie so easy and not have any guilt feelings.

Take things a day at a time!


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
ShockedAndHurt
Member
Member # 36657
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, May 13th (Monday)

My WH became very angry and noticeably depressed as his As went on. It was what led to Dday1, I knew something was wrong. He told me he was frustrated with work and traumatised by our second son's birth. I tried to help him get help but he wouldn't take my leads. My suspicions mounted and I ended up looking at his phone while he slept. After dday1 though he lied to my face fairly convincingly. It's that that leaves me unable to trust him now.

The decision to R or not is so hard. How can I be with this man? Is he rotten to the core or did he make a series of mistake for which he is now truly remorseful?


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 33, EA summer 2008, multiple cyber affairs, 3PA summer 2011-summer 2012
Together since 1999, married in 2004
2 Children
DD1: 9th Aug 2012
DD2: 6th March 2013 end of reconciliation and start of separation
DD3: 29th June 2013

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 13th (Monday)

Is he rotten to the core

I so identify with this. I have been betrayed in other ways in my life that have scarred me forever (molested, rape, DV by ex-boyfriend) and I see my WH similarly now.

I do not see him as the innocent, good guy, there for his wife and family, loving, kind, none of it. I used to.

Now I see him as untrustworthy and like a monster. I hope that with time and his continued actions towards R will help subdue that viewpoint.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2251 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
twodoves
Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)

We're starting MC this weekend. I'm having a hard time with the mental movies.


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
ShockedAndHurt
Member
Member # 36657
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 16th (Thursday)

(((Twodoves)))

The mind movies do stop eventually xx


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 33, EA summer 2008, multiple cyber affairs, 3PA summer 2011-summer 2012
Together since 1999, married in 2004
2 Children
DD1: 9th Aug 2012
DD2: 6th March 2013 end of reconciliation and start of separation
DD3: 29th June 2013

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
fooledagain777
New Member
Member # 39454
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Caught H having an online/work/emotional affair 2 years back. Said it wouldn't happen again. Went to counseling etc. Guess what? He had already rekindled an old flame he cheated on with his last wife AND started getting to know the latest one.

This past month the husband of the woman my H met in a hotel between their shifts, has them followed. Her husband is furious and eventually somehow gets this woman to file rape charges against my H. Didn't work... too much evidence that it was completely planned, including sexting and emails, phone calls recorded. Then her crazy husband threatens me and my teenage girls because he seeks revenge. I am at a place where I still love my H but he's out of the house... trying to reconcile but I doubt it will happen. Too much damage.


Fooledagain777

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jun 2013
twodoves
Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, June 10th (Monday)

Fooledagain can you get a restraining order? That guy is seriously unhinged


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
confused71
New Member
Member # 39530
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, June 15th (Saturday)

My Ddays were 5 weeks ago, 4 weeks ago, and 3 weeks ago. I discovered the most recent EA/PA on Dday 1, the string of prostitutes during his business trips on Dday 2, and affairs with two prostitutes (who he met with in our home) on Dday 3. Still won't admit to the sexual advances he made towards our nanny so nervously awaiting Dday 4...

WS's IC says he scores too low on the SA assessments so it's not that. How can there be so many prostitutes and affairs if it's not an SA? Are WS who commit multiple acts of adultery a different beast than the one-timers?

I also group the different groups in my head by the Dday as I feel slightly different about each type of betrayal. We have two small children so I have to compartmentalize sometimes but some days I still want to kill him. How long till I know that my desire for divorce is legit and not just my initial shock and anger?


Me: BS 39
Him: WS 44
Married 10 years, cheated at least 7 of those years
Two young DS
Multiple DDays in May 2013, and still waiting for the next DD to strike
Prostitutes abroad and in our home, 2 long-term simultaneous affairs - 1 PA & 1 EA/PA

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Desert
Caldwell
New Member
Member # 37613
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 20th (Thursday)

(((Confused)))

My psychiatrist gave me advice based on his experience of many years in his practice.."one infidelity is a serious 'mistake', 2 infidelities...'this is serious and A BS should think about leaving". But 3 infidelities, and you can be certain the cheating spouse has a pathological problem and you should bail."

In my opinion, the one-timer IS a different beast than the repeat offender.

You are still in the very early days and my heart goes out to you with having 2 little ones to tend to while you deal with this. Your world must feel like it is spinning out of control.

While I am in no position to give advice, I say you 180 him. For me, I had to set a future date in my mind by which I would file for divorce if I did not see consistent remorse and change. Having that date comforted me, made me feel I had some control.

Someone on here advised me in the early days not to file for D too quickly. That turned out to be good advice.

That being said, the date I picked back then has come and gone, and we are in R. But I reserve the right to still D if I ever need to, because the affairs may turn out to be the dealbreaker at ANY time!

Good luck....


Me: BW (54)
WS: (55)
Married: 31 years
2 DDs, 23 & 13
D-Day# 1: November 1999 EA with employee
D-Day#2: 4/2/2012 EA with employee
D-Day #3: 11/2/2012 Found out 1999 EA was actually a PA

Posts: 49 | Registered: Nov 2012
PouringRain
New Member
Member # 39177
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Tomorrow it will be 8 weeks since my d-day, and this is my first post because I was completely mentally, physically, and spiritually devastated and couldn''t do anything but just survive until just this week. But I''ve been reading a lot and want to thank everyone for their honesty and for sharing such great wisdom it has been life-saving.

I too am struggling to understand if my wife is a sex addict (I think yes) or just a multiple cheater for some other reason. She says she is just a broken, insecure person, not a sex addict. I think she is sexually compulsive. In many ways I hope she is an addict, because that means there is a chance for recovery, and therefore reconciliation. If she is just a f-up, then we''re done we''re too old (she is almost 49) to deal with this like some problem she can resolve in therapy, especially since she''s been trying to do that on and off for our whole relationship. Plus, she is a very together person on the outside everyone in my life was just as shocked as I was about all this sexual behavior outside our M, including our couples therapist that we had seen for years before and all during this insane 10 month cheating period.

Here''s what happened and keep in mind we are in couples counseling before and during all this stuff...

July 2012, she went to her HS reunion and ended up in bed w/ some guy, she swears they just messed around for 10 mins, no sex (sure). She has an email relationship w/ him where they talk about spiritual stuff (turns my stomach, he has a wife and 2 kids too, and they are emailing like they are so spiritually evolved... gross). I call this a "minor EA/PA."

While she is at reunion she connects with an ex-boyfriend who she later ends up sexting with (she swears it was just during a few days she traveling for work in Feb 2013, don''t buy it) and otherwise texting with, including one I read that said he was going to be flying into our town (swears she didn''t see him, and if she did it would have just met to say hi). I''ll give her the benefit of the doubt and just call this a sexting affair. If she had sex with him while at the reunion or when he was in town I''ll probably never know.

Also while at reunion she gets a phone number of an ex boyfriend that she has been periodically obsessed with. I was aware of her love for him all these years, and it really didn''t bother me that much because he lived across the country, and ultimately she chose me, right? Well, wrong. She begins an extremely intense EA with this guy over the phone, and I never knew it. She plans a business trip/vacation in his town, and gets everything lined up including a city bike tour, beach trip, and other outings. When she returns, for whatever reason (testing the waters?) she tells me she saw him, had lunch w him and his girlfriend. I was furious just at that I couldn''t believe she saw him w/o telling me ahead. I kept saying, "that is so dangerous, if he would have come on to you I know you couldn''t have resisted..." I was so hurt). Well, of course it was much more than lunch, they stayed overnight together. I saw an email to her sister where she said she tried to get him to have sex and he wouldn''t, they just laid entangled in the bed (ugh). I am pretty sure they didn''t have intercourse, but it was still physical. She clearly writes in her journal that she was/is obsessing about him, and that calls and texts from him are like a jolt to her brain - total addiction. I call this a major EA/PA.

Next she sleeps with a woman, in our own living room, while me and our kids and her female parter and their kids are all asleep elsewhere in the house. I call this fling #1.

Finally, the weekend before I caught her she was traveling for work, hooked up with a guy in a bar who took her to a baseball game and then screwed her in her hotel room. This was fling #2.

I also learned that she messed around (swears no sex) with another different ex-boyfriend in 2010, and I know she messed around with him very early in our relationship before we married. About 5 years ago, she also told me she had sex with a female professor of hers during the first year we were together before we were married. I was really hurt about it, but I figured it was early on, and that things were different and better now... never thought it would happen after we got married. This should have been a huge red flag, but I just didn''t even have a concept for infidelity... who does this???

So that''s the whole story. Thanks for letting me write it out. What a total mess.



M 15 yrs
2 girls, 10 & 12
Dday April 28, 2013
July 2012 to April 28, 2013: 1 Major EA/PA,1 minor PA/EA, 2 ONSs, 1 on-going sexting w/ ex boyfriend

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2013
Itsgoingtobeok
Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)

I'm new to this thread and I need to ask a question . My WW has had several A that I know of . I'm sure there are other A or ons that I don't know of.
How have you managed to find out the truth on all the A's? Do you want to know about every A?


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)

(((Itsgoingtobeok)))

Just saw your question. I kept asking and asking if there was more. Something in my gut said there was. It was about 10 months after Dday that she admitted to 3 more A's I didn't know about.

She had to come to a point where she needed the freedom of complete honesty to continue to grow. She had done a lot of work over those first 10 months but hit a roadblock holding secrets.

I think being on here and reading about polygraphs didn't hurt either.

ETA: Broevil just reminded me that just before she came clean about everything I started sharing with her some of my deepest darkest secrets. Take to the grave kind of stuff. I guess showing my own vulnerability and courage helped her show some of her own.

[This message edited by Chicho at 10:40 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
brokenandconfuse
Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, July 15th (Monday)

It seems that I should join almost all of these groups. My H has admitted to 3 PA after marriage and 3 ONS prior to marriage and 3 EA during marriage. Hard to say as he changes his stories and truth vs lies is hard to tell.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, July 15th (Monday)

sigh, here i am, home. (((pouringrain))) wow, how do you stay so calm? hugs to you

Posts: 413 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
confused71
New Member
Member # 39530
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

I posted on the reconciling with the emotionally unavailable thread, but thought i might get some different insight here. Seems WH is aware that he has emotional issues and is in IC twice a week working on them, although it seems his IC thinks his behavior stems mostly from our relationship dynamics. We are still separated and had a lengthy phone conversation today (first time in 3 weeks) so he could discuss his progress in IC. He says the reasons for his sexual acting out during our marriage are intertwined with the marriage itself. Says he is not a sex addict, and according to his counselor he does not have a personality disorder. WH said he was unhappy in the marriage starting very early on (year 2 or 3), and that his desire to constantly please me, his inability to express his thoughts and feelings, and his avoidance of conflict all contributed to that unhappiness. According to him, he began seeing prostitutes 7 years ago in order to "pinch" himself to make sure he was still alive. Like our marriage had deadened him inside or something. He needed to escape the marriage so he turned to prostitutes to get the emotional fulfillment missing in the marriage, but that never came. He continued to see prostitutes through the years until he began an EA/PA and then, according to him, he started feeling very guilty because he finally got the emotional connection he was looking for but ended up missing me. I had no idea that he was unhappy in our marriage so early on, and actually thought those were some of our best years. I'm really confused by all of this.

Has anyone ever heard anything like this before? That repeatedly cheating on your spouse is a way to "pinch" yourself to see if you're still alive. It seems so bizarre to me that I can't relate to it at all. Is this just a cop out, or is this logical for someone who has repressed his emotions?


Me: BS 39
Him: WS 44
Married 10 years, cheated at least 7 of those years
Two young DS
Multiple DDays in May 2013, and still waiting for the next DD to strike
Prostitutes abroad and in our home, 2 long-term simultaneous affairs - 1 PA & 1 EA/PA

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Desert
Schilling
Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

confused71,

My partner who is a serial cheater has said that cheating makes him feel alive, helps with his bored etc.

In my personal opinion with MY partner, it's a total cop out. I feel he is a sex addict and possibly a narcissist. Our couples therapist has told him he feels he may have a sexual addiction, but the moment it's said my partner shuts down and gets defensive.

Yea, it probably IS a way for them to not feel dead inside, to feel if they are still alive, to get some thrill, but there is more to it, that calls for a deeper issue in my opinion.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
confused71
New Member
Member # 39530
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

When there are so many instances of infidelity to deal with, how does the BS move past it? Do we have to compartmentalize the WS's secret life in a way, and just focus on dealing with the marital issues that contributed to the acting out? I feel like my WS is making attempts to understand himself better through twice weekly IC and is desperate to make our marriage work. If I focus simply on our communication/marital issues, then sometimes I also feel determined to make our marriage work. But in those moments when I remind myself of the ways in which he acted out, I have a hard time believing I can get over this. Does the success of our marriage not only depend on his willingness and ability to work through his issues, but also my ability to compartmentalize?


Me: BS 39
Him: WS 44
Married 10 years, cheated at least 7 of those years
Two young DS
Multiple DDays in May 2013, and still waiting for the next DD to strike
Prostitutes abroad and in our home, 2 long-term simultaneous affairs - 1 PA & 1 EA/PA

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Desert
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

Confused71

The acting out was not caused by the marital issues. The acting out was not caused by the marital issues. The acting out was not caused by the marital issues.

Your H acting out was 100% caused by your H internal issues. IC sounds like a great start to get to his issues. Does he share with you his progress in IC?

1 he needs to work on himself
2 you need to work on yourself
3 together you need to work on the M
All three need to happen for R and in that order.

As for compartmentalizing the multiple A's. I do kinda put them all together into one long horrible betrayal. If I looked them as individual instances it would be overwhelming.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
sparklezombie
Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Unfortunately I belong in this group. I honestly don't even know how many times WH has cheated on me. He won't tell and I can't find out. He posts online at various sites, ranging from AFF to AM, and has trysts while on business travel. Nothing local that I know of recently. One local event a few years back where he told me he was going on a business overnight and went to go sleep with someone else.

Most recent indiscretion was while on business travel last week. Although he emphatically denies that there was any sex involved. He says just drinks. I really can't buy into that given the evidence that I found.

My biggest problem is in deciding to walk away. My IC says that we should separate. And he should get IC and we go to MC. I told WH I was moving out and he wants me to stay. Says we haven't done all we can to fix our marriage, says he is sorry, says he just wants me to listen to him, to pay attention to him, to be affectionate towards him. Watching him say these things, while he's crying, was gut wrenching. He hurts inside, I can tell - he's a very broken man. But should I stay? Should I continue to try to work on this relationship knowing that there hasn't been real fidelity in a years and that there hasn't been openness and honesty in years? I'm leaning towards telling him I'm moving out unless he will start to be open with me now, including telling me all of his secret email addresses, passwords, what online sites he's using, what he did while on business travel, how many women, etc. I just don't know what else to do.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
Thessalian
Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

No one's posted in this thread for a while, so I missed it, but after reading through all the posts I realized this is where I relate the most. WH pretty much did everything:

- Prostitutes in our house, both genders
- Handjobs at massage parlors
- Looking for hookups on Craigslist (none panned out, but he looked)
- Sexual encounters with random girls at bars, one semi-sexual encounter with a guy at his house, some random make-outs, many of which were attempted ONS that didn't happen for whatever reasons, and an actual ONS
- And one half-year EA/PA (well... more like a year, if you count the texting that went on before they started getting physical), where pretty much every betrayal that could happen, happened, short of him telling her he loved her.

It's a bit nuts, because all that happened in a 2-year period. We were together 5 years before that and as far as I know, no cheating during that time at all. Everything in our relationship was pretty awesome, and then we had a bit of a life change (moved overseas again), and it was like a switch flipped. Everything between us still seemed awesome, it's just that WH was kind of, I dunno. He went off the rails for two years.

I found out all of it at around the same time, couple months ago. Spent a couple months totally devastated, but this week has been much better. WH seems totally remorseful, feels like he just fell off a cliff (started with the prostitutes) and kept falling until things got insane and he couldn't get off the ride. I'm not justifying for him, that's just how he feels right now. I'm sure I'm in for a bunch more roller-coastering, but the last couple of days I've been mostly OK. Sadly, I've come to a place where I know I can walk if I need to. I wish I hadn't had to consider that, but there it is.

I strongly agree with some of the original posts on this thread. Because there were so many - I'm not even counting WH's attempted hook-ups that turned him down or never replied to his online offers, everything is kind of separated into two camps for me, the LTA and the rest of it. And all of *that* falls under the umbrella of "the affair period". WH says he's relieved it's over and he can start being the man he wants to be, the kind of person who doesn't hurt me anymore. He seems very sincere, he's doing the work, he's not complaining about doing the work at all. He seemed sincere during the affair period too, so... who knows?

For some reason it's been very easy for me to get over the professionals. The LTA completely laid me flat. He dropped her, no problem, the day I found out though. No fence-sitting.

I guess what I'm asking is: is there anyone else with a similar situation? A period where your WS went kind of nuts and acted on all kinds of screwed up behavior, then turned it around for good?

[This message edited by Thessalian at 11:52 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2013
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Thessalian - My SAWH fits what you are describing, except the same sex encounters. He acted out for a total of about 2 years, until I caught him. He has been in recovery (sort of) for the last 2 years and hasn't acted out in that time. So, you might want to read on our thread under spouses of SAs. Not saying your WH is an SA but there are strong indicators. My SAWH was sexually anorexic for most of his life, so the acting out period was short. Some SAs have a shorter acting out period that was led up to with other behaviors. Sometimes that behavior was porn and sometimes it was like my SAWH. So, just food for thought. Take a look at the other thread and see if you think it fits your situation.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Thessalian
Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

@Missymomma Tried to PM you, looks like you're at your limit.

Thanks so much. Can you describe what you mean by "sexually anorexic" for most of his life?


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2013
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

My box is fixed now. If you want to PM me.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
staystrong101
Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

My WH also had multiple affairs. The worst was a LTA, 4.5 years, with a friend of ours. He was texting her 80-100 times/day and secretly meeting her during & after work. He also was texting 2 other women for about the past year. One was a woman through his work I've never met. The other was a former friend of mine who is divorced. This OW would just happen to show up where we were, at restaurants or bars, and act surprised to see us. One night she and her friend even joined us at our table! one night we were out for nice dinner for his Bday. He left for a long time for restroom (I was worried if he was feeling ok!). After dinner he insisted we go to a bar for one more drink. I later found out he had gone to bathroom to call OW #1, then had plans to see OW #2 at the bar! All of this right in front of me, while we're having wine and I'm telling him how proud I am that he's doing well at work, etc. Since I've filed for D, I have been receiving calls from other people about my H flirting with them or trying to buy them drinks. Other things happened in the past 20 years that were strange and I really should have known. I was so busy working full time and raising our 4 kids, mostly by myself. My WH compartmentalizes his A's. He says "all men do this." "It had nothing to so with you or our family." He says he never felt guilty bc what I didn't know wasn't hurting me. "I love you and never planned to leave you, but men just need variety." He was shocked that I told him I was filing for D. The strange thing is that the OW that I know are not that attractive. It's hard for me to understand how he risked our marriage and our family in order to have flings with unattractive women. I realize it was about the risk, and his ego. He is not with any of these women. Said he never loved any of them it was just about the risk. I wonder if he has Sex Addiction?

Posts: 55 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Harriet
Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, December 27th (Friday)

My ex was seeing 4 women when I caught him. In MC it came out that he had been unfaithful from square one. I asked, "Why did you ask me to marry you?" He said, "It's what people do." He also told me I should feel special because out of ALL of his women, I was the one he asked to marry him. He also told me he had no idea how many OW there had been - too many to count.

Right after he moved out he hooked up with another girlfriend, and told me he wanted to see if I was the reason he cheated, or if it was him. After a year and a half with her, his break up line was, "I like a lot of other women as much as I like you."

A leopard can't change it's spots.


D-Day Spring 2008
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 280 | Registered: Jan 2012
Trying2Survive1
Member
Member # 40022
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, December 27th (Friday)

I'm in the club too, sadly enough.


Madhatters, M 31 yrs
FWW/BS 57-BS/FWH 56
Separated 5 mos in 07.His DDay,11/07.False R since 07. My DDay,7/5/13."Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

A leopard can't change it's spots.

They can if/when they chose to.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2428 | Registered: Aug 2012
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

Sadly, I guess I fit here too. Like Thes at the top of this page, I feel like my WH just went off the rails this past 1.5 years. He had a LTA with one OW, a ONS with a second, and a ONS with a friend of mine. He was also constantly texting three other women--one he tried to meet for sex but supposedly failed, one that was probably a pretty decent EA. He also met at least 3 other people off affair sites.

I don't actually think he's an SA, based on what I've been reading....but he does have addictive tendencies sometimes do nothing is out of the realm of possibility.

He's remorseful and trying (at least I think he is), but after 3 months of TT, I'm always waiting for another bomb to drop. Which I guess is why I have anxiety now, lol. And ugh.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 242 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
Kitty70
Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I'm in this club too. And the sad thing is I feel like this club may exist on its own planet. Reading these stories about how one person is capable of carrying on multiple affairs at once (like in my situation) is beyond comprehension. How the heck are they so good at getting away with it. As a woman, I'm baffled I never found stray hairs, different smells, etc. Totally duped. It disgusts me how I've been duped, along with all of you. Mine has had multiple affairs over the years, and more recently I've come to realize he is either a narcissist or sex addict or both. I don't know. Just awful.


Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
3Xthefool
Member
Member # 40113
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Hi,

Its been a while since I have posted in one of these threads. It seems this particular thread has been relatively slow except for a few entries recently.

I too belong in this thread like the rest of you.

my WW has had 5 affairs in our 11 year marriage. According to her, she was faithful for the first 2 1/2 years.

OM#1: ~3yrs(work associate)
OM#2: few months(work associate)
OM#3: 4yrs (work associate)
OM#4: few months (acquaintance)
OM#5: several months (work encounter)

Most of these were overlapping with each other. At one point she was juggling at least 3 other men in addition to me. What made it easy for her was the fact that we were living apart during the first 8 yrs of our marriage due to my work obligations.

I agree with Chico on some of his entries about one affair being "THE Affair".

For me that would be OM#3. That was the one that I first discovered when his wife called me up and told me. That was also the one she has had the most difficulty in ending. In fact, I don't feel 100% certain that it has ended. She was suppose to have ended it on DDay#1 but she has backslid a couple of times with the latest episode that I am aware of occurring when I was out of town on business in March. As far as I know, they have simply taken it underground and I just haven't found any evidence of it recently. The next time I find any evidence will be the final nail in the coffin for our marriage.

I think that everyone eventually reaches a point in which its not worth the trouble to fix someone who is broken inside.

Just out of curiosity, I would like to inquire to everyone in this thread the following:

who is still trying to reconcile with WS and who is gone/going through D? For those who went to D.....what was the breaking point for you that tipped the scale toward D?


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New York City
Kitty70
Member
Member # 41939
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I'm not married but was in my relationship 9 years. I knew things were off all along but I rugsweeped and so did he. Me b/c I'm afraid of confrontation, and also realizing I'm afraid to be alone. The tipping point for me was yesterday when I came to the realization that his friends/brother knew about the multiple women. I don't know what it is about that. I guess b/c I assumed he kept these other women hidden from them and everyone else, and I was the true girlfriend (or only girl so I thought). Seeing that he enjoyed dates and excursions with one woman in particular along with his buddies, made me want to throw up. It made me feel like nothing. That was the tipping point. I ended it last night.


Me: BGF, 43
Him: WBF, 35
Together 9 years, moved in 8/15/2013

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jan 2014
Nitrobob
New Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

3xfool, I'm in there with you. My wife had 4 affairs and juggled them during a three month period where she went wild until I caught it. Only confessed to what I could prove( she even booked hotels on the credit card!!). So there could be more. Trying to reconcile says she loves me, was lonely, sex got boring, etc. I'm crushed. Two lives for me now. In one I try to smile and pretend my marriage is ok. In the the other, I weep privately and battle to take my next breath.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indianapolis
AppalachianGal
Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Hello. It seems I am now a member of this disgusting club. How do you get past more than one? I can't wrap my brain around the fact that he has had sex with not one, but at least 2, other women. I strongly suspect a 3rd and well, you know how our "gut feelings" always turn out. It doesn't seem to be about love. Though, he has told me time and time again that sex is emotional for him (at least with me). I am positive I am dealing with a personality disorder in him.

Laid out some terms for R (not sure I even want to R but told him some requirements anyway), one was IC and that I would be in the room at every visit. He has a habit of lying to his VA psychologists about me. Know this for a FACT. He said he didn't understand why I'd want him to have counseling. What did I think that would do? I was like "Wha...?"

And the lies. OMG. He even went to my mother in 2010 and lied to her about the ho-worker (OW#2), told her lies that didn't need to be told. I assume to get her on his side. God, when I re-read some of the stuff he has done, I'm beside myself wondering why I get a pang to R with this habitual lying, serial cheating, abusive alcoholic prick.

ETA - Oh, I'm not supposed to vent in here. Sorry. I seem to do that a lot. Sigh.

[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 1:14 PM, January 24th (Friday)]


BS (me) 41
WS, 44,
DDay#1- 09/07/2010 secret cell found, constant texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DDay#2- 12/29/2013 ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DDay#3- 01/21/2014 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."
LIMBO

Posts: 413 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

my wife in a 2 year period...

- guy 1 ONS in our car
- guy 2 sexting, chat, pics, planned 3-some that never happened, no cyber, one kiss
-guy 3 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, flirting, one kiss
-guy 4 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, no physical
-guy 5 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, no physical
-guy 6 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, no physical
-guy 7 sexting, chat, pics, no cyber, no physical
-guy 8 sent pics but he never responded to them
-guy 9 4-6 month EA/PA, multiple sexual encounters. once brought him into our house while i was away and our daughter here, he spent the night. wife claims no sex in our house but "messing around" instead.
- guy 10 sexting, chat, pics, ONS at his house




8 months ago, wife admited to guy 9. claimed EA only with a few kisses. false R. 2-3 weeks ago, wife admitted to guys 2-7 and that guy 9 PA. TT over a few day period finally admitting to guy 1 and 10. guy 8 discovered this week, she forgot him amidst the others .

she wasnt attracted to and even disliked the guys, she went out of her way to find the most F'ed up guys possible. she pursued them, flirted with them, seduced them.

im not sure which is worse. the LTA that she tried to convince herself meant something or the ONS that clearly didnt or the guys she was keeping on a string with chat (for future sex or maybe just to amuse herself??). maybe one day i can say which bothers me more, right now im just and and


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 279 | Registered: Jan 2014
alleyk
Member
Member # 42270
Frustrated  Posted: 2:10 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

I'm pretty sure I belong in this group...

Dday was 2 months ago. My WH since then has been trying to be an open book and give me access to his accounts and passwords (albeit reluctantly). I've scoured old phone records and emails, and I keep a watchful eye on his phone, emails, and social media. And haven't been too happy discovering that there are lots of different names, questionable contact (at early morning hours) and messages. No solid proof of anything, perhaps a bit of flirting, but I don't think I'll ever know the truth and I'm pretty sure he won't admit it out of fear of losing me.

Thing is he's a musician and travels the world, so I don't always know who he's with and whether these women are friends, networking connections, or something else like ONS groupies. I have known from early on in the relationship he was addicted to porn, but I always thought that was a fantasy world, and now I don't know what to think! I feel like I have been fooling myself all these many years, thinking he would never ever ever cheat on me!!

I have seriously lived my life for him and given him everything. I can't help but feel like I'm not good enough, that I can't give him everything he needs if he feels the urge to keep looking elsewhere. Trying to remind myself that it's his addiction and ego and shame that drive his behaviours. Is it possible to move forward and have a successful marriage with someone like that??


Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

no attempt to pick up the martyrs cross - but being the BS with a serial cheater is a TOUGH row to hoe.

i dont mean to denigrate the pain that anyone else has gone through or their experiences. but it seems to me that we have the definite short end of the stick. ive read through the thread and maybe ive come out of this light (although it doesnt feel like it right now) but in 2 years my wife had

- a ONS with a "friend/co-worker" in our car. i am unsure if there was an EA involved. i cant really tell. the whole thing took place in a few weeks, he left, he got a gf, and they never really talked again. i think "just" sex but i do know they spent alot of time talking too.

- a LTA EA/PA and brought him into our house while i wasnt here. all of the betrayal and pain of my wife telling some guy she loves him, connecting to him on an emotional level, bonding with him, choosing to spend her time with him instead of her family, buying him presents, etc.

- two ONS with two different guys. my wife sought out two guys (she did all the searching, encouraging, and pushed them to happen) for "just sex". i cant even hold onto the thought that "well, she 'fell' for some guy and crazy and stupid as it was ... she basically gave in to temptation and selfishness because she was too weak to resist these feelings and didnt have appropriate boundaries". instead, these force me to see that she didnt need these feelings, she just did it even without them.

- multiple (7-10???) guys that she sexted with (including pics, etc) in bursts and fits during this time. one guy was on and off for almost the entire two years while some were "only" a few days here and there. with many of them they were exchanging sexual fantasies back and forth, a few tried to arrange PA (one tried to arrange a 3-some). one ONS guys came from amongst these guys. so i need to be aware of the fact that my wife "may" or "may not" have been subconciously "grooming them" and may or may not have been actually had sex with them if it had "worked out". she says no, she didnt plan that. but then again, what makes the ONS different than the rest? she doesnt really have an answer. she didnt really "think" or "plan" it with him so her failure to "think" or "plan" it with them doesnt mean it wouldnt have happened.

- a massive pattern of having poor or no boundaries in her personal life. like a guy and her at her family business are chatting back and forth. nothing too much. one day they are in the basement. he leans over and kisses her. she says she was shocked and angry at him, yelled at him, and it never happened again. however, it wouldnt have happened in the first place if she had boundaries. a guy who wants to get language lessons from her messaging her that he wants to meet in private for the lessons (and she doesnt understand "why" but still finds somewhere "private" - her brothers apartment - for them to meet but then decides not too when he keeps talking about how she has to wear this sexy black dress that he had seen her in). at no point does her brain click in and say WTF and stop it. she keeps chatting away with him. she loans the guy who kisses her 500 euros. she goes to clubs, people ask for her phone number, she actually gives it to them - apparently utterly convinced that its all innocent, nothing can ever happen, its just a number, and then shes in the rabbit hole.

- and reading some of the earlier posts i see there is something i have "yet" to experience that some of you have. my wife confined this to a 2 year period (i "think" and she says) whereas for some of you its been ongoing over a many year period. i think that is an additional difficulty to add to the mix for some.

i think the sheer volume of F'ed upness to the serial cheater is something that the the "average BS" doesnt have to deal with. i dont think they can comprehend how broken our WS is. i dont think they can understand why we stay with them. i dont think they understand how much fear we have that this is something so seriously wrong with the WS that it cant be "fixed".

i dont know. maybe im just wrong and i would love for someone to be able to tell me that im wrong.

[This message edited by william at 1:25 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 279 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 497