SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Newbies...Important Information - Please Read
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, August 15th (Tuesday)

1. First of all, know that you are not alone. This happens to people every minute of every day.
Realize that this is something that you CAN and WILL survive.

2. You may feel that you need to make a final decision immediately. Your feelings will likely fluctuate - many describe these changing and conflicting feelings as the "rollercoaster" Take time for yourself, your emotions may be too raw for the first 6 months to make an informed and healthy decision on which direction you want to truly go. A hasty decision either way may make you feel trapped if you haven't given yourself some time to heal and tend to what you need for your own emotional health.

3. Be certain you want people outside of your marriage/relationship to know of the Affair. You may regret telling people later down the road.

4. Seek out a Counselor that specializes in infidelity and family crisis. It helps to have a mediator that can guide you both in the direction of healing.

5. Don't take advice from people that have never experienced infidelity or ones that immediately say "cut and run...". They are not in your shoes and do not know your history and/or investment with your relationship.

6. Regardless of the outcome, there are thousands of members here who can testify to having a wonderful life after being hit with infidelity.

7. Take necessary steps to ensure that the A is over. Having your WS write a No Contact letter to the OP is a very healthy first step towards healing and recovery.

8. Many BS's are unsure of what direction to go, keep in mind, you're not in a race, there is no time limit on when it feels right for you to take another step forward.

9. Consult an attorney to know what your rights are should divorce be the path you decide to walk down.

10. See your Doctor if you're feeling overwhelmed, depressed and can't seem to concentrate.

11. Make sure to take care of yourself. It's very hard to eat and sleep when the pain is so deep, but you must remember that your health is very important.

12. Do not take any responsibility for the Affair. Your spouse/partner made a conscious choice to cheat, you did not push them into the arms of another person.

13. Odds are your spouse/partner had unprotected sex. Please make sure you're both tested for STD's before engaging in sex with eachother. Please do not be embarrassed to talk to your Doctor about possible STD's, there's not much that they haven't already heard.

14. Please take the time to read in the Healing Library (upper left corner, yellow box), there are numerous articles and resources that will help you cope with your feelings.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 2:00 PM, August 17th (Thursday)]


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
paulb
Member
Member # 4936
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, August 16th (Wednesday)

What a great idea to stick this to the top of the forum! Only thing I could think to add would be a hint at the bottom to go into the Library.


"Some say life will beat you down, break your heart, steal your crown"
"I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings"
"but not me baby, I've got you to save me"
Tom Petty

Posts: 2982 | Registered: Jul 2004
seashells
Member
Member # 8141
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, August 16th (Wednesday)

I agree - great idea - to pin this at the top of this - Forum !!!

These are all things that I try to remember to tell all - "newbies" ...

The only thing that I would like to add is this:

Please, please, please, do NOT let your spouse know that you are on this site much less let them know your user name ...

This is YOUR safe house ...

Protect YOUR house ...

We've seen far too many sad stories, where somehow, the "other spouse" has found out that their spouse, was on this site and also found out your user name ...

Protect this safe house and your own user name, until you are very, very, very, positive that you are - WELL INTO - a successful - reconciliation - and even then - for me - personally - I would think twice, three, four, five times - before - letting my spouse or anyone else in my life, know about my safe house ...

Also, I would add information about how to use the - "skins" ...

Just my two cents worth ...

seashells


First - D day - 9-15-05 ...

Second - D day - End of - October of 2005 ...

Not a good time of the year for me :(

www.ultimatebetrayal.com


Posts: 2458 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: The Carolinas .....
CandyApple
New Member
Member # 11690
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, August 16th (Wednesday)

If I may, #13 seems very difficult for me to accept. In this day and age, I truly find it hard to believe that this many WS would be so unconcerned with their own health.


Candy
_______________________________
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: New York
idealist
Member
Member # 9462
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, August 16th (Wednesday)

Hi Candy
While it may not be "likely" that the WS had unprotected sex, it is horrifyingly common.

Perhaps it has to do with the "unreality" of the experience.


So, perhaps those who were "eyes wide open" in love (it happens) are sane enough to take precautions. But there are so many for whom the A was a "reality break."

I say leave the warning in. Good preventive medecine.

I'll also add that my FWW was a pod (in the fog, although not in love) until she came here. Reading and posting without judgement was cathartic for her. She regressed a little later. But SI has been better than MC for her.

And the mods asked me for permission to let her in, which I gave gladly.

[This message edited by idealist at 11:52 PM, August 16th (Wednesday)]


Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.

Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Southern California
paulb
Member
Member # 4936
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, August 17th (Thursday)

Candy, I would have thought so too. But my wife, a very well educated professional woman, had unprotected sex on all occasions.

I will start a poll on this in General.

PB


"Some say life will beat you down, break your heart, steal your crown"
"I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings"
"but not me baby, I've got you to save me"
Tom Petty

Posts: 2982 | Registered: Jul 2004
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 17th (Thursday)

This thread is strictly for information.

Please do not post on it

[This message edited by kdny at 5:59 PM, October 28th (Saturday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192080 | Registered: May 2002
justfoundout
New Member
Member # 12394
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, October 20th (Friday)

i was with my h for 21 yrs, we had 6 kids. and now for ow he leaves me when he just met her. It was a total surprise to me. I still have 2 teens at home. all he does is lie and deny that there's ow. says i'm gonna "push" him to be with her. she doesn't even live in my town.


Tired of hurting

Posts: 1 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Arizona
lostnic
Member
Member # 12444
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, October 26th (Thursday)

The day of my birthday my h told me he lost his in love for me 5 years ago married 25yrs 28yrs together had two kids now they are gone spreading their wings. One yr after my baby left he decides to find the fountain of youth with a younger w. I am dissabled visually impaired diabetic high blood pressure with no jobs which I lost 6 months ago. I have a hard time letting him go but he loves this ow and he is not seeing straight that he is not just hurting me but pushing this ow towards the kids and now they sort of recenting me. I feel alone confused and NO I did not push this idiot to the ow. It just happen a month agowe own a house and I am loosing everything. I know I should take my time with any decision but he wants to sell the house boought five yrs ago, get the debts out of the way including the 25 yr wedding anniversary ring. He says he cares about me but want just to be friends not lover He wants no marriage counselling not yet. I am pursuing counselling myself along with every week visiting my doctor can't sleep more than 3 hours a day too much on my mind. I feel homeless want to stay in ashame that I did not do the job of a wife. I have good friends some understand me and some too pushy I think.I am totally lost with my emotins rollercoaster ride one day loves him carzy and others I could you know kill him. I want him back but he does not want to help this marriage. I still don't understand his motion that 5 yrs he stop loving me and did not talk about. I am betting my mind over this step. Any advice anyone


lostnic
me: 46 Him: 48 living with OW #2
Married 25yrs together 28yrs
Dday Sept 18/06
Kids: 2 girls adult,2 grand daughters 4 and 5 days old
Legally separating,NOW DIVORCE

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: ottawa
bamagirlnj
New Member
Member # 12586
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, November 7th (Tuesday)

Candy - You'd think in this day and age of AIDS and STD's that men would be wiser, but girl, you are kidding yourself. I have been married for 24 years and my WS got an STD from an Asian hooker and while he didn't get tested for AIDS, had unprotected sex with me, the women he says he loves!!!!!! Men only think of themselves and their penis.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: East Coast
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 2:11 PM, November 7th (Tuesday)

This is an INFORMATION ONLY thread, please do not post on it. And please do not generalize about men.

DS


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192080 | Registered: May 2002
offguard
New Member
Member # 12678
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, November 19th (Sunday)

How do I change the email address that I regestered with? My daughter got access to it, and I would like to be able to have some privacy here. I have an email account that she doesn't have access to, can I change it to that? Or can I request that I not be notified of new posts?

Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Portland, Oregon
seacrist
Member
Member # 12825
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, December 1st (Friday)

My WS moved left 2 weeks ago today. Guess he is with her, 16 yrs his junior. Lots of people know about this and that he cheated. Again. This is a repeat performance of his first marriage except, I would not leave or get angry or spiteful. Let him see if the grass is greener. I will survive even if every day I have to tell myself I will. How do you not blame yourself. I keep hearing it is not my fault and intellectually it makes sense but emotionally I feel responsible.
His son is angry but he really idolizes his Dad, do not now how he feels about me or whether he will take sides. His daughters were old enough to remember what he did to their Mom, they are not surprised with this.

How does he think that underr the circumstances that people would not judge him badly. He says"just walk a day in my shoes" insinuating it is hell to live with me.

He is 54 yo and depressed with issues other than me, Iknow it and he knows it and he just might lose all of this in the end. We own a large house on a fairly big farm. I have all of hte info I need to sue for adultrey but I agree withthe other post. It is too soon. I will not be ready for a year or more. In this state, without a separation agreement, we have to be separated 2 years before we can divorce if he files. I am not doing anyhting yet. I will have a hard enough time getting through the holidays without what I thought was my life partner. Why didn't I see this coming? I feel like a fool.


Me-50
WH-55
DD-9/21/06 He left 11/16/06
Update 8/26/07 HE Sued me for divorce: constructive desertion;9/17/07 Counter sued for Adultery and Desertion and ALL of our property!

Posts: 54 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Chesapeake Bay
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 7:36 PM, December 1st (Friday)

seacrist..

This thread is stricly for information purposes.

Please feel free to start a new thread with your story, you'll be lots of feedback and support

DS


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192080 | Registered: May 2002
roxann
New Member
Member # 12886
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, December 7th (Thursday)

My husband of 26 years has been having an affair for 12 years when he went out of the country (as an Entomologist)to South America and Europe. He lived and traveled with this woman for weeks at a time, 6 months in all. Now he says he loves me and always wanted to be with me. How could this be? I don't know how he could love me and have a 12 year relationship with another woman.
When he went to see her she asked him to take off his wedding ring which he did. He would call me from the hotel, tell me how much he missed and loved me, and then have her come back into the room. He has stopped the relationship now and won't be going on any more field trips, but he told me this 2 months ago and now I am feeling devastated. I had asked him who else he had slept with because I had called a friend in FL and found out he had slept with her for 5 years now and then.
I don't think this is like your normal affair where the person just sees the other person a couple of times a week, as several times he spent 30 days with her. All of the affectionate things he did with me, he also did with her which hurt more than the sex I think. We are seeing a counselor, but I don't know if I can incorporate this "living with another woman" into our marriage and give him another chance.

[This message edited by roxann at 2:31 PM, December 8th (Friday)]


Posts: 1 | Registered: Dec 2006
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 1:31 PM, December 7th (Thursday)

Roxann...

This thread is for information purposes only.

Feel free to start a new thread to tell everyone your story and that way you'll get the proper feedback you're needing.

DS


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192080 | Registered: May 2002
carryeachother
New Member
Member # 12772
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, December 8th (Friday)

I don't know how this works so I'm testing my post...

Posts: 4 | Registered: Nov 2006
toosad
New Member
Member # 12961
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, December 15th (Friday)

My h thinks that after a week I am dwelling on the past by asking questions. How can I convince him that I need answers and time, after he admitted to a 1 year + affair after decades of marriage?

Posts: 3 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: overseas
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Red  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 22nd (Friday)

toosad,
This is an information only thread.
Please start a brand new thread for your story to receive support.


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
JAK66
New Member
Member # 13762
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, February 28th (Wednesday)

I can't figure out how to post a message that isn't a reply. I need to talk...help!

Posts: 33 | Registered: Feb 2007
ToddC
Member
Member # 9314
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, February 28th (Wednesday)

Click Forums, Just Found Out and in upper right hand corner, click "Post New Topic".

Posts: 18524 | Registered: Jan 2006
savannah
New Member
Member # 13822
Question  Posted: 10:36 PM, March 3rd (Saturday)

This is so difficult for me.I caught my spouse having cyber sex via camera with another guy. Turns out he went to california on a pretend business trip to be with this guy. I also found out that he had invited his friend(another guy). to our house and this guy and him were more than friends I am hurt confused and angry. I feel my whole life was alie.We have 3 children together. I decided to divorce him .I cannot be married to a homosexual or bisexual.He doesnt think he did anything wrong! He walks around like nothin happened. He wont get out of the house My marriage was nver good but I always tried to keep us togther. Now I know why it couldnt worh out. you should know I got very ill from this . I am seeing a therapist. I feel weak, angry,sad strong hopeful at any given time during the day. What do I tell the children? has anyone been in this situation before beside Governer Mcreevey's wife? Thanks for letting me sound off.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2007
savannah
New Member
Member # 13822
Question  Posted: 10:36 PM, March 3rd (Saturday)

This is so difficult for me.I caught my spouse having cyber sex via camera with another guy. Turns out he went to california on a pretend business trip to be with this guy. I also found out that he had invited his friend(another guy). to our house and this guy and him were more than friends I am hurt confused and angry. I feel my whole life was alie.We have 3 children together. I decided to divorce him .I cannot be married to a homosexual or bisexual.He doesnt think he did anything wrong! He walks around like nothin happened. He wont get out of the house My marriage was nver good but I always tried to keep us togther. Now I know why it couldnt worh out. you should know I got very ill from this . I am seeing a therapist. I feel weak, angry,sad strong hopeful at any given time during the day. What do I tell the children? has anyone been in this situation before beside Governer Mcreevey's wife? Thanks for letting me sound off.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2007
suspiciousmind
Member
Member # 254
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, March 6th (Tuesday)

savannah,

Others need to see your post to help you and might miss it here, on the bottom of the notes portion.

Please copy it, and then paste it onto a new topic in this forum. Then others will respond

This is painful for you, and you need support whatever your decisions are. We also have a lot of people here who are savvy with financial, legal info, who can help you with that, should the time arise and you definitely decide to separate legally.

Welcome.

Sorry you have a reason to be here, but happy you found us since people here offer lots of help.


Posts: 12812 | Registered: Jun 2002
needssomeone
New Member
Member # 13893
Sad  Posted: 9:43 AM, March 9th (Friday)

I just found out on Feb 12 my wife of 16 years is a lier and a cheat. She left the computer on and I saw the e-mails that went on forever. They were very painful to readand I can't get out of my mind. I have a hard time eating and can't sleep. Ican't believe she would do this to us or she felt this way. God I just can't focus.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: portland
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, March 9th (Friday)

needssomeone...

This thread is for informational puposes only.

Please start a new thread and you will get the support you're needing


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192080 | Registered: May 2002
livinginpain
New Member
Member # 13962
Helpless  Posted: 7:19 AM, March 16th (Friday)

[This message edited by livinginpain at 6:33 PM, March 19th (Monday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Elk Grove California
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 7:53 AM, March 16th (Friday)

livinginpain...

This thread is for informational purposes only.

Please start a new thread and I'm confident you'll get the support you're needing


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192080 | Registered: May 2002
Bubbles1
New Member
Member # 14001
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, March 20th (Tuesday)

Its almost 1 yr since i got the most devesting news of my life, i hv been married for 29 years, and while i was away with my mother who was dieing with cancer,my husband was havin sex with sex workers for 1 year, i was only away for a total of 8 weeks, found out cos he had an STD, he still swears he used a condom, oh ya i believe him!! i am on anti depressants now, some days ok, some days really bad, i just cant get over the betrayl, i so glad to have found this site, i just feel so alone and hurt, he is doing everything possible to redeem himself while i no i am in a way lucky, it just dosent always take the pain away, my god how long will i feel like this, i am so fed up of it all, i am fed up with myself, i want it to be erased from my mind

Posts: 44 | Registered: Mar 2007
Bubbles1
New Member
Member # 14001
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, March 20th (Tuesday)

Its almost 1 yr since i got the most devesting news of my life, i hv been married for 29 years, and while i was away with my mother who was dieing with cancer,my husband was havin sex with sex workers for 1 year, i was only away for a total of 8 weeks, found out cos he had an STD, he still swears he used a condom, oh ya i believe him!! i am on anti depressants now, some days ok, some days really bad, i just cant get over the betrayl, i so glad to have found this site, i just feel so alone and hurt, he is doing everything possible to redeem himself while i no i am in a way lucky, it just dosent always take the pain away, my god how long will i feel like this, i am so fed up of it all, i am fed up with myself, i want it to be erased from my mind

Posts: 44 | Registered: Mar 2007
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, March 20th (Tuesday)

Bubbles...

Please start a new thread, this one is for information only.

DS


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192080 | Registered: May 2002
tess
New Member
Member # 10000
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, March 21st (Wednesday)

Hi,
Why is TannaB's "Anyone is Boston" message locked? I can't reply and that's where I live.
Thank you,
Gail


Tess

Posts: 44 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Massachusetts
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 21st (Wednesday)

Again, this thread is for informational purposes only

Tess...you have a PM


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192080 | Registered: May 2002
bejeweled
New Member
Member # 14039
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, March 23rd (Friday)

I believe I have made a mistake by writhing the Ow a letter containing my feelings of betrayal and my anger. In response, she sent me recieved copies of e-mails sent to her from my H detailing his feelings for her, plans of trips they were to take. His feelings for her were painful to read. I have never myself heard the words he described to her about his love and desires. He told her she was his best friend, his only hope of happiness, wrote her a free versed poem that was beautiful, one my heart longs to have heard. We have been together for 18 years. His relationship with the Ow lasted about 1-1/2 years. I caught him on the phone to her one day in his office. Basically after that day he has said he does't want our relationship to end, he has begged for my forgiveness. My heart wants to stay and move past this. Can a man write deep feelings to the Ow one day, get busted with his relationship, and then within several months realize they were not true, as he says has happened or is this just because that is the smart thing to say to me? Did I make a mistake by writing a letter to the Ow? When my husband and I talk about the A he is open about it, but somewhere in the discussion he always points out that he had the A because I am judgemental and have an opinion about everything. And didn't feel needed. Through out the last several years I have pleaded with him to go and talk with someone with me about our problems. That never happened instead he opened up to another. (Ow) I am torn tattered and very confused. I look forward to any advice!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2007
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, March 23rd (Friday)

Please post your story by starting a new thread.

This thread is for informational purposes only


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192080 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 35