My H and I are now 3 years past Rday and I have come a long way in my healing journey. I wanted something good to come from my pain and
suffering, so I have gone back and retrieved some of my writings from the beginning
so that you can see where I was then, compared to where I am now. I am hoping
that this will give you concrete evidence that time does help with the healing.
These will take some time to read, but they may be helpful
This first writing was just 3 weeks after dday of 4/99. (This affair had started Sept
96) I wrote it to our therapist and read it at a joint session. You will hear my
doubts, my fears, my confusion, my pain, my depression, and even a small bit of
hope.
Who is the man I married? Who is the man I lived with for 18 years? Who is this
man now? How long will he stay? How will I know when the other man comes
back?
Since Sept 1996, my son has had 3 birthday parties. We went to my high school
reunion. There have been 3 Christmas's, 3 Thanksgiving's, and 3 Valentines Days.
My son has had 3 birthdays and I have had 2. We've been to parties...We danced
at my son's cotillion. I worked at his office. He took me to lunch. He called me
everyday from work. He called me every night when he was away...he called me
with her stripping in his room.
How will I know that he has changed for real? How will I know if he is slipping
back? How do I live now? How do I go on? Why do I go on...for my son?
How do I face our anniversary? How do I buy a card or a gift? How will I decorate
the Christmas tree without remembering her when I put the "our first christmas "
ball on the tree? How do I shop with my husband when I pass The Limited and
remember her? How can I accept gifts from him without remembering her? How can
I make love to my husband without remembering her? How do I do simple things
like put on my earrings everyday without thinking of her wearing the diamonds
that my husband gave to her? How do I go on?
The memories are seared in my brain, my heart and my soul. How do I make the
pain stop...the massive, devastating, tortuous and tormenting pain?
I feel like a soaker hose and I am bleeding out of a million places-I've been put on
life-support and you are trying to save me but I just don't know if you can, or what
my quality of life would be if I survive. Do I have the strength to fight anymore? Will
it be worth it? If I had died in '82, I wouldn't have had the pain of '83,'84,'93, or '99
and all the years in between. I struggled thru the pain and torture each time and
for what? What was my reward...an increasing amount of pain and torture. Is
there more in store for 2000 and 2001? Can there be hope? Can he love me? Will
he love me? God, that is all I want.
True love that a man has for his wife...what is it? What will it feel like? I can only
imagine that it would be grand. I've longed for it,begged for it, pleaded for it and
prayed for it. Could it be near?
I used to pray to God that he would let someone hear the silent screams of my
heart. I couldn't understand why no one could hear them...to me they were
deafening. Three weeks ago, we came to your office and you heard them...finally
someone heard...finally someone understood...finally someone cared...finally the
screaming stopped and only the pain remains.
If the first one was helpful, then read this one. You will see how I felt a little over 2
months after finding out. You will hear my struggles to understand the situation
that I found myself in. I felt worthless, I acknowledged my husband's destructive
actions, and at the same time realized that he was trying to make it
better.
The Chair
I feel like that old torn-up and battered chair you see turned on it's side at the
edge of the road. I was discarded there as if I had no value...just a useless piece
of trash. He went searching for another chair...one that was newer...one that was
more comfortable...one that could make him feel good. He tried many out. He kept
some for a while, but none of them were quite right. He finally began his journey
searching for the chair he left on the side of the road. He gently picked it up and
brought it home. After being left in the elements for so long it was not quite the
same, but he doesn't care. He will tenderly clean it and try to restore it. It is not
strong enough to hold him now, but that's OK. He will derive pleasure from
working to make it whole, so that one day he can again sit in the most beautiful,
comfortable chair in the world.
This was written around 2 month timeframe also. You can see that I wanted to
have hope, but I wanted freedom from all the awful feelings that I was having. I
was tired and feeling hopeless and helpless. Each minute my feelings were
different.
Dreams
I long to feel safe.
I long to feel secure.
I long to have no fears.
I long to have no pain.
I long to be loved.
I long to be happy.
I long for serenity.
I long for death.
I pray for life.
Please dear God answer my prayer.
This was written 7 months after I found out. You can still hear the pain. This was
on a bad day as well. There was no health at this point and very minimal healing. I
would say at the 7 month mark the pain was 90% and only 10% was...I don't want
to use the term happy...because it wasn't happy...it was just OK. I still had doubts
about my husband's change and wondered if he had really chosen me for a
lifetime.
Please Choose Me
Won't you please choose me? Won't someone choose me? Can't I be first prize?
Must I always be the consolation prize? Please, please, please....love me!!! Why
do you choose others instead of me? Why can't I be your first consideration? You
always seem to choose others. Please choose me. Please choose me. Please
choose me.
I posted my old writings in an effort to give hope to those of you who are new at
this. The first year for sure is treacherous. You may not feel that you are making
progress because you keep slipping back. I did that as well. I felt that I took 2
steps forward and 5 back on many days. Eventually in that first year you may be
able to take 4 steps forward and only 3 back....accept this as progress. I cannot
say this enough...it is a very tedious and slow process...not smooth sailing at all.
Anger comes and goes. Hope comes and goes. Wanting to fight comes and goes.
Wanting to try comes and goes. This is all very normal.
To say to someone, "it has been 6 months or a year, you need to just get over it" ,
doesn't fly. No one wants to be over it more than us. Wanting something doesn't
make it happen.
Just as you cannot rush a wound's healing on your body, you cannot rush a
wound's healing on your heart, mind and soul. You can try to keep the wound from
becoming infected, but you can't speed the healing process.
What you go through that first year, gets you ready for the second year. The
further away you get from dday, the easier it becomes. After you get past the year
mark don't expect a miracle, just continue your slow and steady climb. Take time to
assess your real progress along the way. This helps.
There is no magic milestone. I think that when you get to the one year mark, that
is both a good thing and a bad thing. It is good because by golly you made it
through one whole year...it is bad because one year also represents the horrible
anniversary of discovery.
These were my words prior to my 2 year anniversary of Rday.
Though my 2 year anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks, I
am now far enough along in my healing to not view this date as a horrific event in
my life. I intend to look at it as the day my chance at attaining my hope of true love
from my husband went from fantasy to reality.
I am no PollyAnna here...I won't lie to you. It is hard work, but it can be done. You
can find happiness again. I now think that I am now at the 95% happy stage and
5% pain. The pain is in what my mind creates...the triggers that try to rob me of
my happiness...but they are fleeting. The pain is in my fear that I cannot truly ever
know if my husband may slip in the future. I don't allow myself to dwell on this, as
I did in the beginning, because as time goes on and I continue to see his efforts, I
find a level of comfort there.
If in order to have the love and life that I now have, I had to go be dragged
through Hell, then I guess it was worth it. Our life together now, is far better than
some of our friends who have never had to deal with infidelity.
There is a way out of the Hell that you may be in right now. My husband and I
have blazed a path for you. Keep climbing one rung at a time. You will eventually
get to the top.
Please let me know if I can help you in any way.
I will now add that I am 3 years past dday. At the suggestion of someone else, the term Rday was coined and I now use that, instead of dday. Rday stands for RECLAMATION DAY. Dday has such a negative connotation to it that I no longer thought that it was fitting for my situation. Rday was the day that my H and I reclaimed our life, our love and our marriage.
At the 3 year mark, I would say that the percentages have shifted to 99/1 on the happiness scale. There are still a few unexpected bumps in the road, but together we get past them and keep on walking. There are still triggers, but I no longer feel that gut wrenching pain from the beginning. I acknowledge their presence and even find humor in some of them, now.
