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Looking Back

I have been thinking lately alot of the real reason why I became a WS many years ago. And to be honest there was no one real reason. Sure we cann have been through I/C and M/C. We have been told from these experts that it was something lacking within us. Or maybe some sort of issue in our upbringing. Past abuse, over bearing parents etc.
And those are sort great reasons why we did what we did.
But for me. I cant honestly say that there was a single good reason why I did it. Sure I was getting bored in the old marriage routine. I had fallen into a routine that was just boring for me. The responsibilties of raising kids and providing for your family is what its all about. But to be honest I was bored. Ans my A added excitment to my dull life.

From the start of my A I made it known to the OW that I had no intention of ever leaving my family for her. And she was cool with that. I am sure she had her own reasons for sleeping with a married man. She accepted this and it was ok for awhile. But I have not really thought about the real reason why I did it. That was until my W had her own A many years later. It got me thinking as to why this shit starts in the first place.

For me. I think it stems from my selfishness and need to be on the top of the pile. Even when I was younger and dating girls I always kept an open eye for any opportunity to fool around. I remember one time when I was about 22 or so. I had been dating this girl for about a year and one night we were out at this bar to watch this band play. Well I am sitting at the bar with my G/F and this attractive woman is there. She is making heavy eye contact with me and I could tell she was interested even with my G/F sitting with her back turned to her. I just had to do something. I dont know why. But I told my G/F that I was not feeling well and we left the bar and I brought her home. After dropping her off I went straight back to the bar and picked this woman up. We spent the night together and I never saw her again.

Why would I risk a commited relationship just to pick up this woman ? And the reason was because I could. I did not care about the ramifacations or if I even was caught. I was so full of bravado. I was honestly thinking with my dic%. And I brought that attitude into my marraige. I was at the time considered an above average looking man. I had a very good job that paid well, I dressed in a suit and tie and back in the 80's and 90's I did very well with the ladies. But these liasons never really had an substance to them. Very shallow and aside form the sexual aspect of the. I honestly did not get anything from them. About the only thing I did get was some sort of rush of being this so called ladies man. What an asshole I was.

But when my W caught me in one of my A. I looked into my inner self and I mustered the courage to change. And I did change. I made many life changing adjustments and was successfull. But I never understood why I did these things in the first place. And to be honest I never even cared. All I knew was I was not behaving like that and I was cool with that.

Until my W had her own A. Hers was much different then mine. She was emotionally connected. The hurt she imposed on me was terrible and all of my past behaviors came back on the Karma bus and ran my selfish ass over. At the time I figured that I kind of deserved what had happened to me and I am trying to R again with my W. Whie the R is not going like it should. Thats another topic. But it got me thinking about myself more. And I see that as positive for me.

But for the life of me I cant put my finger on one real reason why I did it. I have a beautifull wife. Great kids, good income and still I blew it. Now that the coin has flipped in regard to infidelity I can feel the pain first hand. I know what she felt when I did it to her. I knew I was wrong yrt I did it anyway. I guess what I am trying top say is there was no good reason for it. Is there ever ? Why do we enter into marriages when we know the person we really are ? I knew when I got married that I would cheat and still I did it.

While looking back at my life. I feel that I failed miserably. And I cant come up with one solid reason why I did what I did. Maybe age is making me think. Maybe its because I am now a BS. But I cant help for the life of me feeling that I have failed this test of life. And I have dragged many people that I love down with me. I have set a bad example of how to be married and its biting me in the ass. I dont know if my M will survive. All I can do is try to better myself. I cant make my WS act the way I want her to. But for the life of me I still cant figyre out why I did these things in the first place. Man I am one messed up person.

Conflicted04

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