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Yes, I have written before, but it's been 10 months without the physical and we are still close friends. I don't understand how he can switch gears so easily. He bought me running clothes yesterday and came over and we went to the gym. Today, we are going out to lunch because he is off. When he is at home he calls me at work, on his way home and after class. I feel petty because I have a hard time without even the affection, it feels strange to go from being intimate to not even barely holding hands. He will on occasion but I feel like it's because he is trying to be nice. He has never given me closure, although finally I asked him if things ended because things got messy and he wanted to focus on his family. He says he likes things the way they are, but I don't really understand it.

Yes, I know it's for the best because I need to focus on my life and marriage. But it's hard to completely let go because I have no one to really talk to. I guess because I focused a lot of energy and time into our friendship over the past 3 years.

Let's say for a moment that this guy really does just want to be good friends now and nothing more. He's got a family. You've got a family.

You want to focus on your life and marriage, right? Those are your own words.

So isn't this the ideal scenario - just being friends?

... it's not the ideal scenario because you obviously still want more, which is hurting your marriage and you.

So, how long are you going to continue giving head space to this guy? Your H still doesn't know you were physical with him, correct?

But it's hard to completely let go because I have no one to really talk to.

I'm calling BS on that. It's not hard to completely let go because you have no one to really talk to. It's hard to completely let go because YOU DON'T WANT TO LET GO (caps for emphasis, not yelling). You have a husband to really talk to. Why not start there?

Basically you've done nothing since your first post and are expecting things to somehow be different now. Nothing has changed. So what are YOU going to do to change this situation?

He says he likes things the way they are, but I don't really understand it.

Let me break this down for you.

He has a wife and family. You're a side piece that he doesn't have to invest into. You're his personal blow up doll, willing to do anything and everything for him. You make him feel good about himself on his terms, and he walks away when he's done.

He uses you for his own gratification, and he walks away. Done. You are getting burnt because your emotions got entangled in this.

So where's your husband in all this? Are you in couseling?

Can I ask a question? Why are you pouring your soul into some dude who's using you for his own personal gratification, and then walking away? Really think about that. He is giving you nothing. Ok, so some workout clothes, a little kibble here, a little time there. But really. He's not willing to ditch his wife and family for you. You are not that important to him. You aren't worth the effort. You aren't worth the destruction or trouble it would take. So why do you feel he's a safe candidate to confide in?

WS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:05 PM, November 5th (Wednesday)]

You are right, I guess I think I have come to the conclusion and stopped hoping that something would happen. I had the closure I needed finally recently that he likes the way things are. I am working on finding my validation internally. But you are right, things are still the same as when I first posted. I guess I just thought letting go of the idea that everything would be like it once was would help. Maybe I also don't want to face that my husband and I don't have conversations like I did with my AP. Maybe I married the wrong person. I am afraid to let go and I don't know how to really go on without him.

My husband doesn't know because he doesn't want to, but he is still going through all my emails and phone logs so he does know on some level.

I don't think you can get the genie back in the bottle. That whole "lets be friends" thing with an ex of any sort rarely works.

[This message edited by isuck at 2:48 PM, November 5th (Wednesday)]

I agree, I don't think I can be friends with an ex. I don't understand how he can call me three times a day and make flirtatious statements and pretend like the last 2 years never happened. I am just confused on why he needs me emotionally. I know this sounds selfish, but I thought it would last years, not just 2. I love him so having the emotional seems better then nothing, but it seems like there is little affection.. He just likes to talk to me.

***as a member***

sparrow,

Why are you staying in your marriage? It just sounds so unfair and disrespectful to your H.

OM is stringing you along and you're worried about why he's doing what, holding his hand 'sometimes', having lunch with him, going to the gym with him, chatting him up several times a day.

You're married and you have a boyfriend. You're cake eating and for whatever reason your husband is allowing it. I hope, for his sake, he knocks you off the fence very soon.

Gently... why are you here?

Does your BETRAYED husband know that you are still having an affair?

I think, "why am I here is a little unfair". I am here because I would like to know if others have had similar experience and how they were able to walk away.

I would like to let go and have things work out with my husband. It's just hard to go back. I would like to be in love with him again.

I do have trouble understanding the relationship I have had over the last three years. I don't want it to have meant nothing. I also don't know why I can't just walk away.

I don't want it to have meant nothing.

You keep saying this. Can you clarify? Meant what? To whom? You or him?

I also don't know why I can't just walk away.

You can. Anytime you want. You don't want to. Why not?

Think about those questions and then answer them honestly. If you do you might be getting somewhere.

It's just hard to go back. I would like to be in love with him again.

Relationships are WORK. You have to DO something in order for them to be successful. And much to the dismay of pretty much everyone on planet Earth, life and marriage aren't a constant "in love" feeling like the movies. Have you put as much effort into your husband as you have your AP?

I don't want it to have meant nothing.

I'm sorry to bust your bubble, but most likely, it does mean nothing. My AP was a fix for me. He made me feel better about myself and made me ignore the negative aspects in my life that I didn't want to face. He didn't love me. He didn't care about me. We were both using one another for selfish purposes. Instead of reaching for a crack pipe or prescription drugs or alcohol, I reached for men. They were my drug of choice.

I also don't know why I can't just walk away.

Because you don't want to. You want the best of both worlds. It's really that simple. You want the safety and security of home, and you want some adventure and action on the side. Right? I mean, why are you still married? If you aren't in love with him, if you don't get butterflies with him, if he is a loser compared to your AP, why else are you still married?

You have to look for your own answers. Are you searching? Or are you sitting in the fog going, "Hellooo? Someone find meeeee. Someone save meeeee." What are you doing to work your way out on your own?

I don't want it to have meant nothing.

This is natural. If your A meant nothing, then you meant nothing to your AP. And the whole reason you are with your AP is because he makes you feel special. Saying the A meant nothing is only confirming the personal problems that you are running from in the first place. It goes round and round without stop.

As are crazy making things.

IMO, you are trying to "win." You are trying to give the A some meaning. To give it closure in order to make it a nice story with a beginning and ending. You think that if the A meant something, then you were not wrong -- or at least not as wrong.

I think that is a natural feeling. It is shielding yourself from pain. That's why we enter into As in the first place.

If you want to stop, there is only one way to do it. You have to admit that the A is wrong, and that you are wrong. Not sometimes wrong, or "but there is some good" in the A. I mean every ounce of energy or thought that you give your A and AP is wrong. It's fake. It's a way to cover up something missing in your life. The A doesn't fix you. It makes you worse.

IMO, that is the spot you need to get to.

It's hard as hell. I tried to stay just friends. I tried to convince myself that I was different, that I could have this side relationship to fill x part of me, and still have my M and family to fill the rest. I might not know exactly what you are going through, but I am close.

I was not special. Gently, you are not either. We are flawed human beings who allowed ourselves to mess things up. We lie to ourselves, because the truth is that we are doing something wrong.

You have to see the A for what it really is -- toxic and harmful. You cannot get out of it by trying to make sense of it, or trying to salvage parts of it.

Why does this have to be black or white? Why can't it be gray? It meant something and now it doesn't. Or it meant something and now it means something DIFFERENT. Or how about he compartmentalized and you put your whole heart in?

My bet is he's cake eating. He's focusing on his family aka the PHYSICAL needs likely hysterical bonding while you meet his EMOTIONAL needs.

He's got quite the little set up going. Are you okay with that?

[This message edited by isuck at 9:36 AM, November 6th (Thursday)]

Thank you for your post. Yes, in some ways I feel like I tainted my marriage in a way and I thought I put it at risk for something that was special. My best friend of 35 years ago needs a break from me because she thinks I am being destructive. Apart of me also feels that by letting it go, I will never have the happiness that I thought I had when I was in the midst of everything. It just makes life seem grey, but granted, without all the opens and downs.. And yes, I am afraid that I can't cope with the pain of letting go.

Yes, I know it's not fair to my husband or my family, it is how I feel. It was not a calculated effort to hurt anyone. And no he doesn't know specifics, but he doesn't want to know and refuses to talk about it except when he is in a rage.

[This message edited by sparrow74 at 12:10 PM, November 11th (Tuesday)]

Hi Sparrow,

I am sorry you are having a hard time letting go but you are being unfair to your husband and he should be the priority here. I am a bit shocked you are still having any contact with your AP. If you really cared about your BH and your marriage you would end any contact with your AP and focus on rebuilding your marriage. If you don't love your husband you might consider doing the right thing by him and tell him so he can decide what is best for him.

I thought I put it at risk for something that was special.

You laid aside your sense of "right and wrong", your fidelity, your honor, your word, your integrity. Is all of that worth another person? Really think about that.

It's the things you can't "see" with the naked eye that are given up without a second thought. If it's not tangible, is it worth any less?

Apart of me also feels that by letting it go, I will never have the happiness that I thought I had when I was in the midst of everything.

Does your happiness and self worth have to be tied up with another human being? Can you not find that within? Do you want to be dependent upon other people for the rest of your life in order to feel anything?

I am sorry you are having a hard time letting go but you are being unfair to your husband and he should be the priority here. I am a bit shocked you are still having any contact with your AP. If you really cared about your BH and your marriage you would end any contact with your AP and focus on rebuilding your marriage. If you don't love your husband you might consider doing the right by him and tell him so he can decide what's best for him.

I agree. If he knew you were still in your A even if it just hanging out as friends, would he be ok with that? I highly doubt it. You cannot be friends with him. If you loved your husband at all you would go NC immediately and tell him about your continued affair.

Both spouses know that we are friends. It isn't fair to my husband and maybe I have not thought about that enough. Sometimes I think I would rather not live then live without my AP, but it's making me miserable and I do have two wonderful children that I need to focus on.

I think, "why am I here is a little unfair". I am here because I would like to know if others have had similar experience and how they were able to walk away.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound judgmental or be unfair. I was really asking what you hoped to gain from posting. Now I understand.

I tried to be 'friends' with xOMs, twice...both times were before my BH knew about either of them. The first one did not work (it was an EA), because it got too emotional every single time. With the xOM from the PA, he asked me when we could meet again to sleep together, after we said 'just friends'. That was when I knew it was not a friendship, it was a copout, a pathetic attempt to hold onto the fantasy instead of dealing with my real life and getting my shit together.

It cannot work, IMO. You need to go NC with OM if you want your M and get into IC to figure your stuff out and start focusing on your family and fixing yourself.

Harsh, but true.