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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Serious Question for the NB Women
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Came across something in one of the other forumd which basically read - 'men affair down, women affair up'. There was something of an explanation after that this meant that women tend to pick a richer or better-looking guy than their husband and have an A if they're that way inclined.

Well, in the post-infidelity and divorce dating world, is this something that the NB female members believe? If a guy has been cheated on, do you automatically assume - given the above - that he must have had it coming because he didn't make enough money or wasn't 'hot' enough?

Serious question - serious answers appreciated.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 271 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
imwideawake
♀ Member
Member # 23386
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely not! I assume his ex wife is broken. I don't think women affair up. There is NO up in affairs. Period.


Together 17 years.
Married 15
Me: BW, now 44
Him WH
dday 9/08
3 daughters, now 19, 17, & 15
Divorced 12/04/12

Posts: 890 | Registered: Mar 2009
MyVoice
♀ Member
Member # 35695
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree 'absolutely NOT'

My first thought is 'what an arrogant, self centred bitch!!' and for whatever low life she ended up with well just yucko


Me:BW 46, Him:WH 50
two kids DD14 and DS17
Married 26 years
OW 28, crew member (he was the ships captain)
"People are formed by their actions, not their ideals" unknown

Posts: 470 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Australia
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I certainly don't believe that's true. In my real life experience, this hasn't been the case. Cheaters, regardless of gender, are broken and damaged people.

But I wouldn't be surprised if there is that thought (about the faithful spouse, regardless of gender) out there among people who have been lucky enough to not be touched personally by infidelity.

I remember reading a book a few years before D-Day about Charles II of England -- he was a notorious womanizer and had many, many mistresses. I remember thinking that I would have been able to satisfy him had I married him, and feeling bad for his wife who just wasn't up to the task. Obviously, my thoughts on that have changed!

But someone who had those misconceptions wouldn't be someone for me, unless they were willing to examine their feelings and reconsider.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3351 | Registered: Dec 2011
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Affair UP?? Is it affairing *UP* in any sense to be with someone who would be a party to your cheating? No matter how much better looking or how much richer; M, in a relationship or single, they are still someone who would be a party to that on your part and not a good person.

I would not look at a man who was a BS in the way you mean. I have not dated, but that definitely would not mean he 'had it coming'. Having said that from my perspective as a BW, I agree with PM that others who haven't had our experience may believe that.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2329 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my limited IRL associates, I kinda have to agree with it to a certain extent. Any person who will have an affair with a married person is not a good person, so I would not want to be with that person. But "on paper" as in looks or money, my IRL experiences do point to women affairing up.

My fiance's ex - cheated with the neighbor. I assume similar money, never laid eyes on him so no idea about looks. Definitely not an affair down.

My ex's OW/wifetress affaired up big time. Probably why she pursued him so hard. She is a skanky ass troll, ex affaired WAY down. So much so I always got the "what the hell did you do to have him go to her?!?!" comments. Nice.

Several people in my cicle/community. If it was a guy, they had an affair with a pretty trashy woman. Women, at least $ or looks wise, affaired up.

But I would NEVER assume:

do you automatically assume - given the above - that he must have had it coming because he didn't make enough money or wasn't 'hot' enough?

NEVER in a million years does anyone have it coming because they aren't hot enough or make enough money. That thought has never crossed my mind or really anyone I've talked to about this.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Sleepingbeauty
♀ Member
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one affairs up. Well maybe my STBXH Ap did. She is cheating with a man who at least is going to live awhile. her husband is dying so maybe that is cheating up.

Me personally I think both her and my STBXH are the scum of the earth.


Posts: 257 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would never EVER assume that a male BS "had it coming". Just like I would not want him to look at me and assume that I "had it coming".

No one ever "has it coming". Not male, not female, ever. That's the same as saying the affair was justified, and there is never any justification for an affair, IMO.

A woman who is so-called affairing up is still a broken person seeking out a broken person. He might be rich as king Midas and movie star gorgeous, but if he has no moral compass and is willing to participate in an affair, he's still a fraction of a man compared to the faithful partner she left behind. The fact that *she* perceives the AP to be better is just proof of how broken she is.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 5:30 PM, August 24th (Sunday)]


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 814 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others who have said Noone has it coming. Whether it's male or female, if they can cross that line & think they are justified in having an A, they are broken, and in the worst way.

My sister had an A & has told me many times she did not affair up by any means. It was that AP was paying her mega attention & she liked it.

Personally, if I were single looking to date, I'd look twice at a BS before I'd look once at a WS. I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater", but I have to face the truth of how I feel, and that's that I'd be less likely to trust someone who had lied & cheated before.


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 212 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is never an "affair up". Never. They were having an affair with someone who thought it was OK to hurt innocent people. It still blows my mind the number of affairs my ex had who knew he had a wife and kids at home. They were trash. His AP's were trash.

I actually prefer guys who are BS's (healed a few years...)because we understand each other. To me it means they were probably loyal, loved their wives and liked having a family.

Someone who just walked away from their family because they "grew apart", or a WS, is not going to "get" me as well as another BS. I'd say 75% of the guys I meet are BS's.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4140 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When DSS first met OM he was moving and xWW arranged for OM to help because he had a truck. Whatever - the guy came I walked right up to him and shook his hand. Talk about making somebody uncomfortable. When DSS and I had a chance to talk later he had one thing to say: "The guy is an idiot!". Then he proceeded to tell me how I was a stand up guy who he looked up to.

Trust me Forged1, They affair down!


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3415 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never heard "women affair up." But no, whenever I hear of a man being a BH I have only compassion for them.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15321 | Registered: Jun 2006
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I assume their wife was a bitch. And broken. Just I know my husband is an asshole. And broken.


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmmm,,, I guess it depends on how "up" is defined. If more money or a pretty man face makes one better then perhaps. But if better has anything to do with character or quality of person then no! I know my ex affaired down. He had no standards at all except a Y chromosome.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 634 | Registered: May 2013
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion is : Anyone married willing to have an affair has affaired down. Way down to the bottom feeders.
It doesn't matter how beautiful, smart, or rich the APs are because they have no morals, integrity, or character. That makes them ugly and dirty, inside and out.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20371 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My take on this is that women who have affairs to obtain their next partner are seeking to 'trade up'--for lack of a better term, golddiggers.

Uninformed, infidelity-ignorant people may assume that someone deserved to be cheated on; don't worry about their opinions.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20152 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion is : Anyone married willing to have an affair has affaired down. Way down to the bottom feeders.
It doesn't matter how beautiful, smart, or rich the APs are because they have no morals, integrity, or character. That makes them ugly and dirty, inside and out.

THIS!!!!

Let's define "affairing up" - which in itself is an oxymoron - if it means actively seeking an intimate relationship with a married person for their own perceived benefit, without concern for anyone else and the damage it may cause to others - then it's no different then "affairing down". There really is no difference - intentional destruction is intentional destruction. Period.

The "fact" that one of the partners may be perceived as physically attractive or attractive in some other way means nothing. Just my two cents.

ETA emphasis on one term.

[This message edited by persevere at 9:15 PM, August 24th (Sunday)]


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4515 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What wayward. Thinking. It's also rooted in some very gendered thinking that is a huge turn off for me--like women need to be maintained and can expect to get x, y, and z by virtue of just being women. that's not how partnership or love should work.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4153 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to hope the affair is just that an aspect of my divorce.

Although i am a BS If it is a huge part of my new relationship then it is not a good for me.


Posts: 967 | Registered: Jul 2012
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't say I have ever heard this either.

However IMHO anyone who knowingly cheats with a married AP they automatically 'affair down'. They must have really low or no morals to do be able to do that to another human.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1331 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
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