Your in no rush to make a decision but its prudent that you get things in order no matter which way this goes. Should you attempt R she needs to understand that there can be no contact with OM ever again. No friends, no closure, no goodbyes in person etc. She must sever those ties willingly and quickly. Do not make any deals with her, allow her to bully you into negotiating shit etc. It has to be a final split with OM or nothing. If D is the only option here then you have to protect yourself and kids if you have any. Ensure you don't get screwed over any more then you already have been. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but this is a great place for support, healing, advice and understanding. We all have been in your shoes and trust me your situation is not unique. I know it seems like no one in the world has ever gone through your pain, but we have. Surprisingly affairs and people who cheat have many similarities. They act the same way, say the same stupid shit and how things go down is the same no matter what the situation. Read up in the healing library and keep posting and reading. Its kind of slow here on the weekends but others will be along shortly to answer questions and give you advice. I suggest you listen to them as this place is a god send for those who have been betrayed. Try and take care of yourself as best as possible. Eat, sleep and hydrate. If you find that you cant like many of us have I suggest you enlist the help of professionals. There is nothing wrong with seeing a Dr. or therapist. They actually help very much. Hang in there my man and don't give up the fight. We are here for you when you need us.
You already know there is an inappropriate relationship going on. You are not in a court of law so you do not have to prove anything to anyone but yourself.
Your other option is to snoop and hope it stops and make nice to her and let her be the happy housewife with you and have her boyfriend on the side. You won't be sleeping very well while you do this if you choose that option because your gut will be churning constantly.
You already have enough to stop this . I'll let the others tell you what is going to happen if you call his wife. If you don't do that you'll be posting here a long time and you will still wind up in a open marriage that you did not choose. Right now she is in control. Only you can change that
Do NOT tell your wife what your plans are. If you do your wife will get word to him. They'll get their stories straight and getting to his wife will be exponentially more difficult.
[This message edited by hatefulnow at 8:01 PM, August 24th (Sunday)]
[This message edited by evdawg at 9:23 PM, August 24th (Sunday)]
1. Tell the OMs wife and don't let your WW know you are doing this! You need to take control of the situation. My WH was such a wuss, he didn't even have the balls to tell his AP that he was married. I demanded that he did, or this M was over, but he still didn't do it. So I walked to the other room, dialed her number and told her myself. It was the scariest thing I had done on my own. I was shaking and could barely hold the phone. Afterwards, I ran to the bathroom and puked. WH got pissed and walked out the door, but at that moment I found my power and my strength and I knew I wasn't the crazy one, HE WAS!
2. Please get STD testing, its gross and violating, but its seriously the best thing you can do for yourself just so you know you are ok.
The best advice that people here on SI have given me is take your time. That becomes you new four letter word: TIME. You feel like you have to make all your decisions STAT or else nothing will get fixed. Just start to become comfortable with the unknown and not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow, or tonight, or in the next few hours. I still struggle with this, but have learned that if I listened to this sooner, I may have been in a better position than I am now with my WH. Yes, there are some things you need to implement immediately, but you don't need to make decisions on R or D right now. Friends and/or family might push you to file for D or to just move on and get over it, but just remember you need to do what is right for you when you are ready.
Take care of yourself first. Remember she put her needs first during the time she was giving herself to this dude, so she is being nothing but selfish at the moment. Be selfish for YOU now, think about YOURSELF (and your kids if there are any.) She is also thinking crazy because most waywards have their heads up their asses at this point.
Hugs to you ((((evdawg))))
Congratulations. The above indicates it only took you six hours on the forum to figure out what you need to do. You are already making positive steps.
I do not know of cell number reverser, but I do know you need to get a VAR in her car and a GPS on her car like yesterday. She will undoubtedly be talking to him in her car where she believes you have no chance to listen.
How do you know he just sent her another message???
Now you have to ask yourself what is your goal here.??? i think your first goal is to stop the affair and then see if she still wants a divorce.
When you do get the OM information, call the house but do not say anything if you get voice mail. Do it when he would be at work. Don't be surprised if the OM wife is not believing you at first so be prepared to send her copies of the messages you recover.
One of two things will happen. All hell will break loose in his house or he will bull shit her and she will back down. But you can count on him telling your wife, and she sill go bonkers.
When that happens, stand your ground. That is when you give her your DEMANDS to stay married, starting with NC phone call with you present.
If she refuses to do that, your next step is an attorney.
Now that you know what is going on I do not think you need to gather enough evidence to go to the Supreme Court with.
The important thing is that she understands that you have no intention of remaining in a marriage with three people in it, and she is free to do whatever she wants but not as your wife.
She will minimize, blame you, and try to bully you into accepting things on her terms. That is where you have to decide what is the deal breaker for you.
DO NOT accept anything like "I just can't cut it off immediately", or "Can't i still be friends".
If you accept any of that then don't waste your time trying to do anything.
You are not to blame her. Visit your local electronics store tomorrow and start the serious snooping. But blow this affair up quickly. The longer you let it go on gathering ironclad documentation, which you already have, the harder it will be to stop.
Congratulations again on coming to your sense so quickly and starting to help yourself make it real for her.
If you read some other threads, you will see what those that refuse to believe what is going on have to endure.
Glad you came here and posted even under this sad circumstance.
Expose, Expose, Expose.
And keep posting. You will get the answers for your questions here.
Be very calm as you gather all this,,, it may be the only way to wake your wife up.
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
[This message edited by evdawg at 9:13 AM, August 25th (Monday)]
Not sure what kind of work you do, but if you are pretty sure Tuesday and Saturday are the days she is most likely to meet him, you might see if you can take a few hours vacation time and be your own PI or take a vacation day. If you are hearing a bunch of phone messages and today is Monday, something is up.
On your lawyer consultation, remember lawyer is for legal advice. He or she is NOT a MC.I believe you need to get papers drawn up immediately so that when you confront her and get told she refuses to cut it off you just hand them to her.
it takes minumum 90 days and you can stop it anytime you want but that will make it real quickly for her, especially if OM is in trouble because you exposed it.
DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH HER. DO NOT FORGET THAT.
And lastly, I wish you could change your user name because YOU ARE NOT STUPID!!!YOU ARE NOT IN DENIAL!!!YOU HAVE AND ARE TAKING IMMEDIATE ACTION TO PROTECT YOURSELF!!!
If you read around the board, there are those without your courage and mindset that are also not stupid but ARE ACTING STUPID as they flounder around trying to make nice to WW who are shitting all over them and make excuses for them.
If I read you right, that is not your style. Congratulations to you for that. If any others BH are reading this, they should look at the time you first posted until now and use you as an example on how not to put up with infidelity.
Your user name should be I AM PRETTY FUCKING SMART
I MEANT THREAD NAME
[This message edited by Badhurt at 9:26 AM, August 25th (Monday)]
Now that you have the snoop ware in place, your next job has to be finding the wife of OM pronto and exposing this. That is you best chance to end this quickly. That may not happen, but it could.
Everyone reading your post understands you are feeling down. Who would not be feeling down sitting in your own home hearing the phone go off from some guy who is fucking your wife.
That is why I need to tell you that you really need to decide if this is what you really want to do. Do not do the VAR thing because you are hoping to find out that she really is not cheating.
What you are probably going to hear is stuff that will make the hurt you have endured so far seem trivial. You already know she is cheating from what you have intercepted, so all you are going to be doing is inflicting more hurt on yourself to get more details and listen to all the gory talk that you are going to hear. Unless you live in a state that this will benefit you in a divorce, is this really going to help you.
I think the snoop stuff is best used when there is uncertainty or during R when you are trying to verify NC with OM. You have enough already to confront her.
Just a warning to be prepared for some tough stuff to hear.
You need to get to a lawyer right away. She has already threatened you with D, and she will not be a happy camper if the wife of OM ends her affair for her because of your action.
When that confrontation occurs, you need to be prepared. You will probably hear statements like these
"I have feeling for him. i can't just stop right away'
"I can't see why he and I can't be just friends"
The response top those statements is NO,NO,NO
You need to be prepared with what your demands for R are because if she finds either of the devices you are going to have to confront her. She will be confronting you and try to tell you you are invading her privacy. She lost her right to privacy when she spread her legs for another man.
Whatever you do don't let her know how you find out anything.
You will get a lot more advice IF she has any interest in r which she could have if OM dumps her. Then you will have to decide if being Plan B is acceptable to you.
Hopefully, one of the techies on here will help you find a way to trace that phone number. And if you do get wind of anything being planned or if she gives you some lame excuse about going somewhere on your long work day, you need to see if you can take a vacation day and be your own PI. it will save you a lot of anguish every night waiting to get to the VAR.
[This message edited by evdawg at 5:31 AM, August 26th (Tuesday)]
Have you called your cell provider if phone is in your name and asked how it can be done???? Or just go into a best buy store and ask someone in cell phone department or Geek Squad???
When you have heard enough on the VAR, when you confront her she may give you some hints. If it is someone at her work, that may give you some leverage if you threaten to expose it there.
I hope when you meet with the attorney that you start him drawing up the papers for the initial filing. Based on all the phone calls you are hearing I do not expect it will take long for you to get what you need.
Does she have any idea you suspect anything????
Once the VAR is in place you might want to calmly give her a hint you suspect something without confronting. What that will certainly do is spur some conversation between her and OM on what they should do. Kind of like planting the seed in her head to give her something to think about.
Negative to that is it could go further underground, but if you are listening to her phone calls that will not matter. The GPS will also let you know where she is.
The most positive thing in this, if there is one, is that you are determined not to sacrifice your self worth to try to hold on to this marriage regardless of what she does. If you read some of the other posts, when the BH starts out by saying he has told his wife that he will tolerate anything except divorce, he is doomed to get twisted in the wind right from the start. She cannot be allowed to think that.
Stay strong. Good luck on the information you will gather. I hope it comes quickly.
[This message edited by Badhurt at 6:08 AM, August 26th (Tuesday)]