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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WH reluctant to try counseling..
tornapartheart
♀ New Member
Member # 43890
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll give you a little background on my story.
I'm dealing with a horse of a different color on this one.
WH has been suffering from panic attacks since Jan '14. In April he went to see a psych who immediately prescribed him prozac. That coupled with his therapy brought about new changes in him.
He was apathetic, cold, emotionless, and decided after 7 years and a child, he didn't want me anymore.
He wanted to be free and have the option to sleep with other women. He told me this after I found out he cheated, and had already moved out (his choice)

So basically I'm left here with my DD, who is starting Kindergarten next week. She has been acting out more than usual, saying she misses him and wants him to come back to live here. He has been seeing her, but only once or twice a week. She'll usually spend the night.
She has become very upset over small things, and very aggressive..she's kicked me twice today. Something she never used to do.
WH refuses to believe he has ruined anything, because HE is happy.
I told him I wanted to do reconcile but he declined. I told him to at least do relationship counseling with me so I can learn how to tolerate him and help our daughter out of this mess.
He has agreed to counseling, but half-heartedly.
I told him we could not do counseling if he was going to be having sex with others. Then counseling would be pointless.
He agreed, but I think he will still do it.
I feel so hopeless. I wnt him to know how much he has hurt us and destroyed our family. I feel like we can only communicate well in a controlled environment with a mediator.
Still, it can go two ways with me. Either he realizes the damage he's inflicted, and we try to pull through in this relationship, or he declines and opts to sleep with lots of women while he walks away from his family.
He has been off of Prozac for 2 weeks now, and I see little bits and pieces of the old him coming back...but not enough.
I don't know what to do.
If he chooses to surrender this relationship, I will never be able to take him back. I cannot tolerate the disrespect of him being with other women and then coming back to me.
I need a counselor to tell him this.

In your experiences, does the counselor ever successfully get through to the WS, or is it just wishful thinking..?


BS(me)-24
WS-24
DD-5 yrs old
OW: Girl he met at a comic book store we used to frequent. He "liked" her and had sex with her for at least a month. Possibly is still sleeping with her.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Los Angeles, CA
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, I think you are giving him too much thought and power. He is refusing to go and you can not make him. e is showing you who he is. You need to focus on your dd and yourself. It sound to me like both you and your dd need some help. Please get your little on some help.
If he starts to make an effort then and only then should you even start to consider Ring with him. Right now it should be about you and your daughter


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suggest waiting until the Prozac is out of his system before doing anything drastic. It sounds like he may have had a bad reaction (lousy term - I don't mean to minimize this) to the med.

If the med's the problem, R could be eminently possible when it's no longer in his system.

torn, Why do you need a counselor to convince your H you're setting a real boundary?

I wonder if you're not sure you know what your limit really is yet. If that's the case, that's OK. You're in a new situation. Give yourself time to figure out how you want to navigate it - and have faith in yourself to figure it out.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
tornapartheart
♀ New Member
Member # 43890
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

According to him, he has finished the Prozac for two weeks now but still feels the same about me. He is mostly indifferent to me. No words or tears can penetrate him.
Today his mother wanted to pick DD up and take her to her house until WH got out of work. They were going to have a sleepover. All of the sudden I go to strap her in the carseat and DD starts sobbing, grabbing onto me and telling me she doesn't want to leave me!
WH mother said to just strap her in and let her cry it out! Um, no you crazy failure of a mother!
I told her to go home and that I wasnt going to force DD to go, that she has gone through enough stress because of her son already!
So WH calls me asking if his mother picked up DD and I explained what happened.
I told him he was hurting DD by doing all this, and that she was suffering!!
He said "She's not suffering! I don't love you romantically and I'm not going to tie myself down to someone I don't want to be with!!" He was speaking very loudly and being aggressive.
He told me that my family and I are trash-talking him in front of DD and that's why she doesn't want to see him!! That isn't the case at all!
My family LOVED WH before, and only my mother knows about his indiscretion. We never speak about WH in front of DD!!!
I told him he was just bitter because things weren't turning out the way he wanted them to.
He said he wanted to take me to court!!
I'm so appalled. Then his sister has the nerve to text me saying that he has shown her the texts I send him and that I am "being disrespectful" by saying that he is selfish for leaving us, and that he has only left me, not DD.

WH and his sister went through a similar situation but worse with their father, who was a drug user, alcoholic, wife-beater and jailbird. He cheated on their mother and started a side-family, then left them later on. I thought WH family would sympathize but NOPE. I'm disrespectful.
I told her I will not respect him, because he doesnt deserve any respect from me after what he did to me. I told her a "good father" does not text his mistress while he's with his family, spend the weekend with her and come back and kiss his daughter goodnight, or get back into bed with his wife. THAT is DEPLORABLE and for her not to EVER think I should respect her brother.

I don't know where WH is getting this aggression towards me. He acts angrily when I would suggest reconciliation for our daughter's sake. The way he behaves, it's like I'm asking him to be in a relationship with the elephant man.

Even so, I know I'm not the source of his unhappiness. I've lost 20 pounds and still losing, I'm young, curvy, cute face, witty, intelligent, loyal and dedicated. I'm FAR from Quasimodo.
He has stated he is unhappy with his life right now and hates his job. He is not anxious anymore, just mean and hateful.

I wonder if counseling will even help at this point, or if I'll be trying to put a band-aid on a shotgun wound.

The reason I want counseling is to learn how to be amicable, DD is only 5 and we have many years of interacting ahead of us, I'd rather do it peacefully. I would give him my heart back, if his feelings did come back and he realized the pain he's inflicted on our lives, and genuinely 110% wanted to Reconcile.
I'm hoping counseling might let us communicate in a healthy, because niether of us knows what's going on in the other's head. I think he needs someone unbiased to tell him what he has done to us.
Hoping can only get me so far though, and because he's coming off of a mood and emotion-altering drug, I wonder when his true self will come back, or if it even will at all.
If you've done counseling, how has the therapist addressed WS and can it ever make them understand the pain BS is going through and motivate an R?
He is literally the worst person I've met in my life now, when he used to be the best.
I feel so hopeless and alone!


BS(me)-24
WS-24
DD-5 yrs old
OW: Girl he met at a comic book store we used to frequent. He "liked" her and had sex with her for at least a month. Possibly is still sleeping with her.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Los Angeles, CA
lilacs40
♀ Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until he's ready to face what he's done a million people could tell him what a jerk he and he won't believe it. Yes counselling could help you guys get along enough for your DD but if he doesn't want to go he won't get anything out of it.

I would not respond at all with his family if they are going to treat you this way. It is not worth letting them upset you (easier said than done I know).

I would seriously consider IC for both you and DD.



I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 326 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
tornapartheart
♀ New Member
Member # 43890
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think i will totally go NC with his family.
He did come to pick up DD today but she didn't want to leave me. I convinced her that she'd have fun, he took her to Chuck E. Cheese.

Before I brought her out, WH and I talked a bit. He apologized for being so cruel on the phone and wrapped me up in a tight embrace. We stood there for almost 10 minutes, just hugging.
He told me he didnt mean to take his aggression out on me and that he is unhappy with himself and wants to fix his life, that he's overwhelmed. He said he cares about me still..:/
I told him so did I, and I cried a bit and he held me tighter.

He agreed to Relationship counseling and said he wants to improve things for DD.

It's just so painful..to think of what he did and what he's become, but every now and then a little glimpse of his tender, loving self comes out. I just never know what I'm going to get because he is so mentally unstable right now..


BS(me)-24
WS-24
DD-5 yrs old
OW: Girl he met at a comic book store we used to frequent. He "liked" her and had sex with her for at least a month. Possibly is still sleeping with her.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Los Angeles, CA
SoLostStillNumb
♀ Member
Member # 44248
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Torn, I don't have much advice to give, but your story touched me. I'm in a similar situation (minus WH's anxiety and prozac.) I found WH cheating and he said he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he is too settled down, and isn't happy at all. We're separated now and I'll be seeing him next week for the first time in over a month.

It sucks to hear those things, I know. It's so hurtful and unbelievable that the person who was supposed to be the one that takes care of you, protects you and loves you can say he doesn't want you anymore. Just know that you are loved. You are cared for, and you are strong. All of us here on SI care about you and want you to be happy. There is a long road ahead, but I promise you no matter what happens, you will be a stronger person at the end of it. You will grow and endure things that you never thought were possible to endure. You will become a better YOU for yourself and your DD.

I'm happy to hear that he is open to Relationship Counseling, but I think you should see if he is open to IC as well. Make your MC could discuss this during your session. He has issues he needs to try and get figured out in addition to the issues you may have had in your marriage. IC is crucial for any sort of R. Even before MC.

I wish my WH would tell me he is at least willing to go to counseling and would hug me and apologies for all the hurtful things he has said. Know that actions are what matters. They speak louder than works, and you need to see ACTION from him to know R is real.

Take it slow and see where this goes. You should also make sure to take care of yourself first. Get tested for STDs, see a lawyer just so you know the laws and rules around D. EVEN IF you aren't thinking along those lines. ((((torn))))


Me: BS 26 Him: WH 27
Married: 5 years, together 7. No kids.
DDays: 6/3/14, 6/24/14, 7/2/14, 7/3/14, 9/5/14
Separated, headed for divorce
Trying to accept this nightmare is real every morning.
Hold on, this will hurt more than anything has before

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: VA
tornapartheart
♀ New Member
Member # 43890
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your kind words, StillLost. I've found that when I've been at the lowest of my lows, I can always come to SI and it is a safe place full of people going through similar situations and trying to stay strong. I'm sorry for your situation.. :(
Things will get better. If someone had told me last month my ex would be hugging me and apologizing, I'd have told them to shut up.
I guess this is a long, hard lonely road we have to cope with..:(

I took a glance at your profile, and I noticed our interests are the same. I'm 24 in two months so we're also close in age as well. Feel free to PM me if you'd like. It's always helpful to have a friend during times like these.


BS(me)-24
WS-24
DD-5 yrs old
OW: Girl he met at a comic book store we used to frequent. He "liked" her and had sex with her for at least a month. Possibly is still sleeping with her.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Los Angeles, CA
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mood altering drugs can have effects that last for several weeks. He's off the Prozac, but after around 3-4 days off you can go through a "serotonin crash" which also has issues with mood and other psychiatric effects itself, then there can be several weeks of adjustment that occurs. We truly don't know what is happening in the person's brain during all this time.

FWIW, you may not see the true person any time soon. Untreated depression, panic, anxiety, or any of those conditions treated with ineffective medication, or medication that is causing more problems than it is helping, remove the "real" and "rational" person from the equation.

My wife struggled with depression for years, then she was started on antidepressants again, it wasn't working, then medications were changed, after a month or so her dose was increased, and then she was fucking a near total stranger in a parking lot, treating me like shit, angry, cold, dismissive, and worse. After about 4-6 weeks, we can't be sure because of the time that has passed, she says she was sitting on the toilet and staring at the wall thinking "what have I done, what am I doing to my husband, why am I doing this". She thought it was the medication, cut it out, and tried to extricate herself from the affair, stopping it eventually, all without getting definitely caught.

The underlying issues remain, but the medications can lead to all sorts of irrational, damaging, and inconsistent behavior.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1017 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 9

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