Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying



Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library


Contact Us
In Association with
Infidelity -
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
Newest Member: SC619 (44924)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is there any reason not to tell the other BS?
♀ New Member
Member # 44326
Question  Posted: 7:44 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So WH's 'best friend' turned out to be at first EA, and as of most recent d-day, a PA (he says they kissed...that's physical, no?). Who knows what he will 'remember' as the fog clears up.

The 46 year old OW has emotional age of around 3-year-old. WH says that she's never done anything like this (i.e. cheated on her husband) before but I'm having a hard time believing that. Even so, I think her husband deserves to know the truth.

I told WH that one of us should tell him. He says no, and that it's not our place to decide what's good for OW and her family (they have three kids). I'm guessing this is standard issue WH thinking? Do they ever realize that it's wrong to keep the other BS in the dark?

I feel bad for OBS in advance and I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone, but I prefer to know the painful truth to living a lie. Also, OW kept trying to contact WH after he stopped talking to her and I think she may use more motivation.

Should I give OW an opportunity to do it herself before I contact her BS? I'm thinking giving her a week's warning?

BS 32
WH 32
Three kids under 5.
Married 7 years.
DDay x 8/20/14
ONS 2007, PA1 2009, PA2 2014, sexting / pictures, many EAs through all 7 years.
In R, or rather, in limbo.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jul 2014
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, your husband's comments are classic wayward thinking.

Just tell the husband. The wife will lie and minimize and make you look crazy. Speak your truth.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
♂ Member
Member # 2569
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second Rebreather on this. The OW will not tell her BS the truth. Do not tell him out of spite, anger or vengeance. Tell him out of concern.

Me: BH (44)
Her: WW (37)(EAish)
Dday 7/23/14
Dday #2 9/9/14
Remorse? Safety
D/R? who knows...

Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Vermont
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Standard wayward, trying to "protect" people from the A actions and in the process rob the bs of choices for their own lives.

Ow1s husband threatened my life and my childrens lives when he found out and physically stalked my husband. Those kinds of situations DO happen, but are not the usual it seems. Even still, I want ow2s bs to know but have no info on his name and there are professional implications for my husband if the guy finds out. So there is self protection there as well

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 515 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not warn the OW that you are telling her BH, she will tell him some crazy woman is going to call and blah, blah, blah. Do not tell your WH that you are going to tell the OBS, he very likely will warn the MOW.

I feel there are some situations that it is probably best not to tell, but those are few exceptions. In general it is best for all spouses to know.

Was it wrong for your WS and the MOW to keep their affair a secret from you? I would imagine most would say "yes". Now that you know, does it become okay to keep the affair a secret from the OBS? I don't feel that it does suddenly become "okay" to keep it a secret because you now know. It is still wrong to keep the secret from the OBS. And, the fact is, most WS's aren't going to suddenly confess. They are going to try to keep it a secret and are hoping that the OBS feels it isn't "any of their business" to tell their BS. They are counting on that!

Personally, I don't feel it matters what your motivation is to tell the OBS. Revenge, stopping the affair or a genuine concern, the end result is exactly the same, the OBS now knows the truth of their very own life and marriage. To me, that truth for the OBS is the most important thing, not your motivation for telling them the truth.

eta: it does matter that you are extremely kind and compassionate towards the OBS and in how you tell them, though, remember their world is blowing up and it isn't their fault what their WS did.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:29 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9650 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Topic Posts: 5

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
Go to :
© 2002 - 2014 All Rights Reserved.