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So WH's 'best friend' turned out to be at first EA, and as of most recent d-day, a PA (he says they kissed...that's physical, no?). Who knows what he will 'remember' as the fog clears up.

The 46 year old OW has emotional age of around 3-year-old. WH says that she's never done anything like this (i.e. cheated on her husband) before but I'm having a hard time believing that. Even so, I think her husband deserves to know the truth.

I told WH that one of us should tell him. He says no, and that it's not our place to decide what's good for OW and her family (they have three kids). I'm guessing this is standard issue WH thinking? Do they ever realize that it's wrong to keep the other BS in the dark?

I feel bad for OBS in advance and I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone, but I prefer to know the painful truth to living a lie. Also, OW kept trying to contact WH after he stopped talking to her and I think she may use more motivation.

Should I give OW an opportunity to do it herself before I contact her BS? I'm thinking giving her a week's warning?

Yes, your husband's comments are classic wayward thinking.

Just tell the husband. The wife will lie and minimize and make you look crazy. Speak your truth.

I second Rebreather on this. The OW will not tell her BS the truth. Do not tell him out of spite, anger or vengeance. Tell him out of concern.

Standard wayward, trying to "protect" people from the A actions and in the process rob the bs of choices for their own lives.

Ow1s husband threatened my life and my childrens lives when he found out and physically stalked my husband. Those kinds of situations DO happen, but are not the usual it seems. Even still, I want ow2s bs to know but have no info on his name and there are professional implications for my husband if the guy finds out. So there is self protection there as well

Do not warn the OW that you are telling her BH, she will tell him some crazy woman is going to call and blah, blah, blah. Do not tell your WH that you are going to tell the OBS, he very likely will warn the MOW.

I feel there are some situations that it is probably best not to tell, but those are few exceptions. In general it is best for all spouses to know.

Was it wrong for your WS and the MOW to keep their affair a secret from you? I would imagine most would say "yes". Now that you know, does it become okay to keep the affair a secret from the OBS? I don't feel that it does suddenly become "okay" to keep it a secret because you now know. It is still wrong to keep the secret from the OBS. And, the fact is, most WS's aren't going to suddenly confess. They are going to try to keep it a secret and are hoping that the OBS feels it isn't "any of their business" to tell their BS. They are counting on that!

Personally, I don't feel it matters what your motivation is to tell the OBS. Revenge, stopping the affair or a genuine concern, the end result is exactly the same, the OBS now knows the truth of their very own life and marriage. To me, that truth for the OBS is the most important thing, not your motivation for telling them the truth.

eta: it does matter that you are extremely kind and compassionate towards the OBS and in how you tell them, though, remember their world is blowing up and it isn't their fault what their WS did.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:29 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]