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User Topic: 5 long and miserable years...
Toodevoted
♀ Member
Member # 33149
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It'll be 5 years in December since DD. 5 long years with not one moments peace even throughout the times when things were ‘good’. 5 years of stuggling to trust, 5 years of doubts, 5 years of hating myself at times for putting up with it. For him it’s not been so bad. 5 years of rug sweeping and no consequences at all. 5 years of blaming me for every problem in the marriage that the lack of trust has caused, 5 years of being told that I’m never happy, 5 years of being told that it’s not easy for him not to be trusted. 5 years of him playing the badly done to victim.

I gave up everything for this man, lived life as an expat for the last 4 years living abroad in various countries and just visiting our home in the UK, gave up my career, saw far less of my kids who stayed in the UK to continue their education…. To be continually put down and told that I don’t contribute anything, I don’t bring anything to the table. To be told I have a wonderful stress free life with no worries at all.

He’s shown me nothing but disrespect after disrespect, doesn’t speak to me for days on end, sometimes I have no idea what country he is in even (travels a lot with work). 5 years ago he went to a ‘work event’ and I found out that he’d arranged to meet OW in a hotel there was no work event at all. I’ve no idea who she was, where he met her and therefore I’ve never had any idea if she’s someone he sees through work regularly, someone he speaks to every day, someone he sees at ‘genuine’ meetings, no idea at all. This has been hell and he won’t tell me. The closest he’s ever come to admitting anything was to tell me that it’s in the past now and I need to forget about it.

I realise now that I’ve been depressed for the last 5 years, I’ve got used to the sick feeling in my stomach that it feels normal now.

On top of all of this he’s recently been diagnosed with delayed combat PTSD which looking back explains a lot. His temper, rages and anger are off the scale but over the most ridiculous of things. I’ve lived every minute of every day for the last 18 months with the constant anxiety, the constant worry of if he’s going to lose his temper, the constant walking on eggshells, the constant fear that someone would say something they’re not ‘supposed’ to say, the constant feeling that I have to steer conversations to different topics to avoid a major rage, the hours and even days of running through conversations in my head trying to word a simple question in the way that is least going to anger him before I dare ask him, the daily snide remarks, criticism over things that aren’t even worth mentioning. I absolutely live in fear of him because he’s become so aggressive, so confrontational, so hurtful, so irrational, so unpredictable and so uncaring... and getting worse....and as he says there is no such thing as PTSD it's only going to get worse... and I can’t remember the last time that I was able to just be ‘me’.

But that’s come to be my ‘normal’ too. I don’t even notice it anymore.

So now I’m back in the UK… he’s… well he’s somewhere in the world…. And I’ve had enough.

Rugsweeping doesn’t work, it kills you, it kills your respect for yourself, it eats away at you, it never goes…. But in the end it kills your love. I do still love him (I think) but don't feel 'in love' with him, but then I have so much resentment towards him that I've no idea what I feel most of the time. I have no respect for myself… but I have none for him now either.

I've been slowly trying to get my ducks in a row but I can't live in this limbo anymore. Not really sure why I’ve shared this other than I guess I could do with a bit of support. I’m gutted, absolutely gutted that I have to end my marriage. For me it was for life

[This message edited by Toodevoted at 1:09 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]


BS (me): 44
WH: 44
DD: Dec 2009 but let him rugsweep

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've got all our support, honey. ((((((toodevoted))))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25504 | Registered: Aug 2011
MissyMisdemeanor
♀ New Member
Member # 44535
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So so sorry. You will be as strong as you have to be. It does suck though.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Midwest
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. That's five years of hell. Glad you're back in the UK with your kids. I hope some time alone helps you sort things out and determine what the next step needs to be for you.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 471 | Registered: May 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Toodevoted. That is a very epic story filled with a lot of pain. I see by your number you have been here a long time. As difficult as I'm sure it was to let go of the outcome, I'm happy to see you moving forward with your life.

If the person you love treats you that badly for so long, you are left with no other choice. I also suffer from complex PTSD (not a combat vet) and PTSD is not an excuse to treat someone as poorly as it sounds like he was treating you. The problems in the M were not your fault as it sounds like you went above and beyond to try and keep the M in tact. And certainly the A was not on you.

Glad to see you getting out of that mess. Enough with the emotional and mental abuse.

Keep getting your story out. Keep posting. We are here for you.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2153 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Toodevoted))))

You are absolutely right about rug sweeping. This stuff doesn't go away, and it is always best to address it directly. It will slowly chip away at love as well.

I see a lot of courage in your post and the recent actions that you are taking to move forward.

How is your depression currently? Have you seen an IC or talked to your doc about medication?

Sending you lots of support and strength. I am glad you are out here talking to us.


Posts: 7213 | Registered: Dec 2010
houseofpain
♀ Member
Member # 25706
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Next month will be 5 years from my first DDay. Just wanted to let you know that I hear you.


D-Day: 09/19/09
D-Day2: 10/19/13
Me: 49
WS: 45
Blended family with 5 kids

Pain is just fear leaving the body


Posts: 75 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Texas
Toodevoted
♀ Member
Member # 33149
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to all of you, somehow makes you feel better to know you're not alone No one in my family at all knows anything other than we have a wonderful marriage!

Yop I've been here long enough that I know that I should have put a stop to it a lot sooner! I feel such a fool. I had the false promises, the hoovering, the promise he'd go to MC.... always only when I've said I've had enough and no promise lasts long enough to actually keep it I went to the MC on my own a few times, kept hoping he'd go with me. The MC said to me one day "why are you still with him?"... and I couldn't reply. I just kept on hoping. It's felt sort of like I imagine a gambler to feel... I've lost so much already that surely I'll win soon

Him being diagnosed with PTSD was a great moment for me, I thought finally he'd get help, but as it does't exist in his mind then there's not much chance of that! I know that nothing can excuse how he is with me. Sometimes I literally can't speak and wonder if he's joking when halfway through a 'normal' conversation he can just explode... so out of the blue

So, I don't really have a plan. I was supposed to be with him now and we were both due back here this next Thurs for a birthday(I assume he's still coming back)then we were going again on Sunday... of which I've no intention of doing now. I wish I could fast forward the clock to in a few months time when I know life will have started to get much better


BS (me): 44
WH: 44
DD: Dec 2009 but let him rugsweep

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you so many hugs,,,,,,

You've tried so hard. Nothing you can do now but take care of you.

(((Toodevoted)))


Posts: 571 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Toodevoted
♀ Member
Member # 33149
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is your depression currently? Have you seen an IC or talked to your doc about medication?

LW I feel ok, I mean I don't feeldepressed, but I don't sleep well, I have no appetite, I can't concentrate, I don't find joy in anything or look forward to anything. I prefer to be on my own than with company, going to the shops seems an effort. I struggle to hold conversations in real life as my mind is jumping all over the place. A friend asked me what on earth was wrong with me and said I was jumpy and nervy... so I seem to have symptoms of depression... but to me it now seems so normal to feel like this. I've been thinking though and know that I used to feel so different. I think I might go to the doctor though and see if there is anything to help. The last 2 days I've had terrible chest pains when I think about it all, I've never had that before and even breathing was hard so I've been thinking of going anyway

Thanks to all who've replied I so much appreciate it after all these years of thinking I'm going crazy


BS (me): 44
WH: 44
DD: Dec 2009 but let him rugsweep

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aww toodevoted.
Hugs sweetie you deserve peace. Get yourself to the doctor and get some meds. Strees kills and we DO die from broken hearts. Just remeber we are all pulling for you!


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
OnTilt
♀ Member
Member # 34140
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toodevoted,

Almost 3 long and miserable years for me - I know exactly how you feel...you are not alone!
{{{Hugs}}}


BS(Me), WH(Him) in our 50's
Status: I'm giving up on him

Posts: 379 | Registered: Dec 2011
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((toodevoted)))))

I'm so sorry you've been suffering for so long, but also glad you are beginning to stand up for yourself. Good for you.

The lies, the lack of compassion, the stress, the loss of hope... They do eventually kill your love and any hope of reconciliation.

It sounds like you will be much better off without him. I hope you can find a friend (or family) IRL to share your story with. It truly does help to get real hugs and real support. SI is also a great place for support.

Sending you wishes for strength, courage, and eventual peace.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 691 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rugsweeping doesn’t work, it kills you, it kills your respect for yourself, it eats away at you, it never goes…. But in the end it kills your love. I do still love him (I think) but don't feel 'in love' with him, but then I have so much resentment towards him that I've no idea what I feel most of the time. I have no respect for myself… but I have none for him now either.

Such wise words Toodevoted. Rug sweeping and denial are poison and they kill love as surely as anything can.


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 642 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
soveryweary
♀ Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((toodevoted))


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 627 | Registered: May 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though the depression feels like "normal", it really isn't. I would definitely encourage you to at least have a conversation with your doctor.

In my case, the depression and the anxiety were intertwined, and the SSRI antidepressant that I went on ended up helping both the depression and the anxiety, panic attacks, and chest pain. Through the meds, I was able to find out what "normal" actually feels like, and through IC, reading, and the work I have done here, I've learned to manage the depression, even eventually without meds.

That's probably one of my biggest worries for you right now is the depression, because I do know how acutely it hurts.

Hang in there, and keep talking with us. I can feel you gathering more strength already, and the tone of your writing has changed for the positive. Keep it up. We're here for you.


Posts: 7213 | Registered: Dec 2010
Toodevoted
♀ Member
Member # 33149
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all again, you don't know how much this support means to me. I moved to this area (from about 6 hours away) just before we started living abroad so had little time to meet friends here. I've been going to the gym every day this week though and I met 2 lovely ladies who invited me out for a drink with them over the weekend really it's the last thing that I feel like doing, it's easier to shut the door and be on my own but I know that's not doing me any good

LW I'm definitely going to make an appointment with the doctor for as soon as I can. I never thought about taking any meds because like I said it feels normal to feel this way now but my heart constantly feels like it's racing, I constantly feel churned up, so tense, so on edge.... even my heart rate monitor tells me my 'resting' rate is way higher than what it should be!

It's funny really, I've been running with WH a fair bit lately. He'd ask me my heart rate before running, his would be about 60 and mine was always way too high at about 100, he'd say it was because I was so unfit ( I exercise at least 5 times a week!) The last few days when he's not been around it's suddenly around 80... when it gets to 60 I'll know I've got to where I want to be... where he has no effect in my life

I'm trying not to cry at the loss of my marriage because logically I know that I'm losing nothing but heartache and pain. I'm gaining far more - my sanity for a start! - but I still wish there was a fast forward button. I've still to tell him that I'm done and I can't say I'm looking forward to that

So many things I wish I'd done differently 5 years ago. This might sound a little twisted but I've half hoped he'd do it again so I could do it 'properly'... it seemed that it was too long ago to bring it all up, it's rarely spoken about and didn't seem to be a good enough reason to end the marriage. But I know I'm wrong in that thinking, it's never too late


BS (me): 44
WH: 44
DD: Dec 2009 but let him rugsweep

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the false promises, the hoovering, the promise he'd go to MC.... always only when I've said I've had enough and no promise lasts long enough to actually keep it I went to the MC on my own a few times, kept hoping he'd go with me. The MC said to me one day "why are you still with him?"... and I couldn't reply. I just kept on hoping. It's felt sort of like I imagine a gambler to feel... I've lost so much already that surely I'll win soon

^^^^^ This! You mentioned that you don't have a plan. This should be the first part of you plan. Expect that if he does come to meet you soon that there will be more empty promises. Expect that he will try to Hoover you back.

So what is your plan if he does try and Hoover you? Will you try the 180 if he tries to see you? What will you do if/when he contacts you? This is what you can start to plan for. You have already started to detach and separate yourself. Plan for what you want to do when contact is made and also how to not react to any Hoovering.

Next, what are the things you need sorted out? Finances, do you need to find a solicitor, do you need to file for separation, living arrangements, etc. I know it seems like a lot but now that you have separated these are the things you need to start doing for yourself. And of course we are here to help.

Start with thinking about how you want to react when he tries to Hoover and when contact is made. Start to get that win that you mentioned you wanted. Go get it!

You can do this!

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2153 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cross posting with you.

it's never too late

No it's not!

I know you want to fast forward somewhat, but embrace the pain and mourn the loss too. Healing is a process and you need to feel all of it to move on.

Sending strength and courage.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2153 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Toodevoted))))


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9727 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
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