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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Poll: Do you think exes can/should be friends? Are you?
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Frustrated  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now....let's take "out of the equation" The people who have children with their ex and have to retain some sort of cordial relationship with them because of joint custody of the kids.... that's a different animal altogether....

My main question is....do you think its possible to be "just friends" with an ex and/or healthy to do so? I, for one, cannot wrap my head around this concept. The only way I can heal from a romantic relationship ending is space and time. I can't be "friends" with someone that I had romantic feelings for. This may be just a personal thing. However, I have had many exes who thought this was possible......whether they were being genuine or just trying to keep their foot in the door for a hopeful future reconciliation.....I don't know. Either way.... I nipped it in the bud because I just CAN'T do that.

Thoughts on this? I'm just being nosy....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Generally I don’t think it is wise, but if the relationship was never that serious, and the decision to end it was mutual, I think it would make sense to remain friends.

Posts: 3388 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, my WXH is OUT of my life. Don't wanna try to be friends with him!!

But with romantic partners since my marriage ended, I often try to be "friendly" if not exactly "friends". Not in the keep a foot in the door way, but because I saw something in the man that made me like him. A dating relationship not working out, doesn't mean those qualities aren't still there. I think though "staying friends" is kind of idealized concept. More appealing in theory for me than in reality.

Has it worked for me to remain friends with past romantic partners is a different question! 1 yes; 2 no's and 1 yet to be determined.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3130 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am friends with some exes. Most were short relationships of three-five months. We gave it some time for the weirdness to die down, and then were able to start over as friends. One of them I talk to a few times a week over gchat and see occasionally, another I see only intermittently. I also lived for two years as a roommate with a guy I dated for a few weeks when we first met. I see those situations as often being a case of 'okay, this was never going to work but now we've gotten it out of the way and can be fully strictly platonic'.

My first serious boyfriend I was on cordial terms with for awhile, but he has married now (to a woman who shares my first name!) and our contact has pretty much stopped, which I respect and understand. I do wish there could be more of a friendship there however. The cheating ex and I will never ever be friends, but that's self-explanatory.

So I do think all situations and people are different on this one!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4159 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my best guy friends from high school was also my first boyfriend. If you can call it that. We were "going out" for like 10 days and we broke up because, honestly, us making out felt like incest. I am still friends with him and even introduced him to his wife. Of course they live out of state now so I see them maybe once a year. Maybe. And it's not like we talk all the time or anything.

In the world of adult dating I think it gets really murky, keeping past significant others around. When you used to be intimate with someone I think it can blur the boundaries about what is appropriate behavior between people. Or appropriate discussion topics. It's one thing to lean on exes as an emotional crutch when you are single, but then when you are in a relationship it can be confusing. People may claim they don't have feelings for exes, but if you can't break emotional ties with a past partner then maybe you still do IMO.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49474 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Arse likes to be friends with his exes, or at least part on friendly terms...then he's the 'good guy' (he's passive aggressive, so has a need for this). I'm the first one with whom this hasn't happened. He is still trying. But it's all about him.

Me? I've never kept in contact with exes. I feel it's not healthy for either person and can get in the way of the next relationship. I know that I still have nostalgia for old flames sometimes, so I protect my current relationship with strong boundaries.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 984 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't....but that is just me.

I think the people that do keep in touch, or become "friends" weren't really in love with each other.

I've always heard that you either love someone forever, or not at all.

There are two that I will love forever, but just not meant to be with them (neither of them my ex). I wish them well but have NC with them because it would be too weird.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4141 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Friends don't do what my STBXWW did.

I don't see the point of contact with her post-D, let alone a friendship.

A previous ex of mine was somebody I'd run into every so often - same professional circles etc so it was unavoidable. We were certainly civil and polite whenever we interacted, but we weren't meeting up for coffee or drinks or whatever after we went our separate ways.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 271 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
Exit Wounds
♀ Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO and HELL NO.

Posts: 2485 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that I still have nostalgia for old flames sometimes, so I protect my current relationship with strong boundaries.

This is me. Strong boundaries are important to me so I treat anyone that I'm with in a relationship with the same respect that I need in return. I can't date someone who is close friends with women they have slept with either....and that's probably because its a trigger point for me. My XWH was "just friends" with a girl that he thought of "like a sister" and she ultimately ended up being the MOW and the reason for my divorce. Hence.....I just can't go there!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Guinness23
♀ Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My exh thought so. My thought is and still is is that what "friend" treats you like that??

NO and HELL NO.

^^^^^THIS


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 514 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
gypsybird87
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Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it depends on the circumstances of the break-up. If it's fairly drama free, and/or mutual etc... then I think there is some room to remain friends if both parties are comfortable with that.

If you are talking about the ex's that brought us here to SI, then no I don't think it's healthy. I don't need "friends" who habitually lie (to everyone, not just to me), who don't keep their word, who have zero empathy and no regard for how their actions affect others, and the list goes on.

There is simply no room for anyone like that in my life, and I have too much self-respect to subject myself to that sort of treatment, from a romantic partner or a "friend".


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 818 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree Dasani23!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, not after a serious romantic relationship. At least for me.

The ex? I am only politely civil out of necessity. He wants to be "friends" and is always saying "let's remember the good times," to which my response is . Friends don't betray friends.

I think people have conflicting definitions of what "friend" means, and therein lies the problem.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1094 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could in theory, if infidelity wasn't involved in the breakup. So, yes, I'd feel friendly toward anyone but the ex.

In practice, much more difficult.

You need a cooling-down period, and, then, how do you start up the friendship again? If I contact them, it seems like creepy married guy seeking something outside the marriage. And if they contact me, it seems like creepy potential OW seeking to disrupt a marriage. None of the women I dated would do that.

The goal would be to seek couple friends anyway... so that could create an awkward dynamic. Best to leave it alone and make new friends.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1869 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it depends on the relationship and the person. Since my divorce 20 years ago I have had two serious relationships lasting multiple years. One I will have absolutely nothing to do with. The other I am friends with. He recently did electrical work on my house even while I was a work. I have no desire to ever date him again, but I can talk to him at length and he is a fun and interesting person. Just a crappy boyfriend.

Posts: 331 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had wanted to be, but i think it was more me fooling myself and hoping for more.

Now that hope is gone and he has remarried, i'm not feeling all that chummy.

(which also signifies to me that my desire to be friends was insincere)


Posts: 261 | Registered: Feb 2011
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is certainly no 'shoulds' here.

I would like to be friends with my ex because of our shared history, and because I am like that with people I know that I have been close to and tend to stay in touch for life.

But on a practical basis I cannot see how it is possible, and so I haven't tried. Perhaps I will send X a program from the memorial for my brother in law who was once his brother in law for many years so the NC of numerous years would be momentarily broken. But a friendship sounds impossible. Even if was not still living with OW, there is just too much betrayal and hurt.

Knowing what a worm he is capable of being would prevent a true friendship from emerging.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5815 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my X and I are civil and occasionally friendly. Friends...no

However, I am friends with a couple of my other X's. This was mainly due to honesty. The relationships ended civilly, there was no cheating. These are men that I respected during the relationship and more because of how the ending was handled. Neither of them is a super close friend but they'd both come help if I called at 2 in the afternoon or 2 in the morning.

We are friends but we keep a respectful distance because of all of us are now involved in other relationships. I respect the feelings of their wives and try and not hang out with them at uncomfortable frequency. I also try and be very transparent with the wives so that the friendship isn't a problem for their relationships or mine.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've reached the point where I consider the X to be a friendly acquaintance. I have no romantic feelings for him anymore, and in retrospect, we probably would have made better friends than lovers all these years.

We have an undeniable history. We were together for almost 40 years. We know each other inside and out and share a DS and now a DGS.

We speak infrequently, but we are 'friends' on FB, mostly to share pics of DGS, but we do still have mutual friends, so we'd see postings from each other occasionally anyway. I don't see us ever getting together socially, especially since we live 2500 miles apart. I have no interest in interacting with his OW, as I don't care for her personally, but I'm over him and the A.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20154 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Topic Posts: 31
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