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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Panicking! Please help!
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I'm so so sorry. At the same time out as you I thought the same thing. We want so much to believe our situation is different. Unfortunately it rarely is. I even had a second DDay. My WS knew all the right things to say, but couldn't avoid the defensiveness for long leading me to investigate further.

If I could go back I would exhaust the investigation. I would buy downloadable programs to uncover deleted information from her phone, explore all phone and computer records, research several people finder sites for other possible emails and social media memberships, etc. Do it now before data is lost. I would also have not told her what I was researching or investigating. That way I would know if she was being honest when I asked questions. Yes, it seems sneaky, but if you are going to R (and I fought hard to NOT be sneaky thinking it was against the whole argument I had for integrity) it will be worth it. My WS TT'd with the worst of them. If I had been sneaky about the information I had I could have cut it off sooner.


WS: 39
BS: 39
DS: 6
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 833 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
tl502
♀ Member
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My h went nc immediately after dd. That lasted a few weeks, then she called and begged that they resume contact by email. He didn't see what it would hurt "as long as I didn't find out"
18 months later when I found his secret email account, he found out that what it hurt was the level of trust that I had rebuilt in him was gone, forever. I have developed some level of trust again, but it will never be the same.
He knows that I feel that he treated me with a deep level of disrespect and I'm not sure if I can ever forgive that. I am learning to just let those feelings go and try to enjoy our life together.


Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 369 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: tl502
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it's ok to do anything he wants, as long as he thinks he won't get caught.

He is showing you who he is...believe him.

And the "apology" excuse is bullshit. He broke NC because he wanted to talk to her. He was fishing.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7911 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is what he texted me:


i thought to myself that i could say a couple of things and tell her why it was never going to work. say it and be done. i was wrong to seriously consider it was a good idea. perhaps it would give me some satisfaction that she knew we were doomed. i didn't think i would have been caught telling her these things.

i was wrong. i was caught. and i have perhaps irreparably damaged our marriage forever.

---

He wants satisfaction knowing she knows that it was doomed? I'm wondering if really HE is wondering if they were doomed?? Maybe he's regretting giving her up? Or maybe he'll feel less guilty if he knew their relationship was hopeless? I have been INCREDIBLE to him since Dday. If he'd rather be with that lying, cheating HO then so be it.

[This message edited by Hurtbuthopeful35 at 1:57 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 572 | Registered: Jul 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he cares what she thinks?

You need to put your foot down..HARD. This is a HUGE issue. Do not rugsweep it away. There needs to be severe consequences for this. Otherwise, he'll just do it again.

I'd pack him a bag and tell him to go.

This OW...does she have a husband?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7911 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's not married, no.

I have no idea what to do. I haven't tried to be away from him in anyway this entire time. I feel like he needs to be in the doghouse.

He tells me he never thinks of her...so why today? What was different?

Today marks exactly 2 months since I found out. Exactly.


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 572 | Registered: Jul 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 months is not long at all. Many affairs start up again about the 2 month mark. Just my opinion, but I think it is like the alcoholic who finally gets over the terrible hangover and really starts feeling good again and they think they can have a drink and it will be all fine.

You know what he said? He thought he could just say these few things to her "and he wouldn't get caught."
Obvious nonsense. A few words, a quick drink, etc. All about boundary creep. And the same cycle starts all over again. Thankfully you are sharp enough to catch it. But you cannot play PI or babysitter forever.

I noticed the title to your post said Panicking. One thing you can do to slowly get rid of the next panicking, and that is for you to start becoming completely independent of him.

Your own money, your own savings, your own independence, the next time he does this, you might not feel so panicked.


Posts: 4287 | Registered: Jun 2002
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Craig2001

You know, he said this exact thing; that things are feeling so good here that he felt it wouldn't be harmful to get in touch with her and say his piece.

He didn't even consider how she might reply.


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 572 | Registered: Jul 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he felt it wouldn't be harmful to get in touch with her and say his piece.
What did he have to say that is so important. Doesn't she already know he is sorry and the reason they can't talk.

It could be completely innocent instead of trying to start up again. But I guess he found out that there is also your feelings and worries to consider. What are what matter the most at this time.


Posts: 4287 | Registered: Jun 2002
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Craig2001

My WH used her. He told her everything she wanted to hear so he could keep sleeping with her; even promising they'd live together.

So now he feels like an ass bc he used her. He'd like to think she used him too and seems to want confirmation of that so he can feel better about his own actions. Basically, he'll feel less guilt if she didn't really have feelings for him.

Well too bad. It's a mystery he will have to live with. I've told him to stop being so selfish. But what can I really do? It's up to him to change.


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 572 | Registered: Jul 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All AP's use each other. The reasons differ, but they all use each other.

You caught him. He didn't confess. And now he is telling you a story about an apology because he thinks that will keep him out of trouble...or at least minimize his consequences. Why do you believe him? Why do you believe he "just" wanted to apologize and get confirmation that she was suing him? It's very possible he was attempting to continue the affair, got caught, and this is his excuse.

Please..be very careful about believing someone who has just shown you no respect..and that they will continue to betray you..because he didn't think you would catch him.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7911 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He'd like to think she used him too and seems to want confirmation of that so he can feel better about his own actions.
He is going to have to live with himself that he was an ass and did something wrong.

Tell him to go to church Sunday if that will make him feel better. Tell him to go to the food kitchen and serve meals for one day to the homeless.

Tell him to paint a senior citizens home on a weekend.

So what happens if the OW does not tell him she was using him. She tells him how she believed every word he said and would wait forever for him.

And the affair continues, one way or the other, contact means the affair continues. Until he stops it. A lie and breaking NC sets R way back.


Posts: 4287 | Registered: Jun 2002
Heartbroken1979
♀ New Member
Member # 42844
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm So sorry your in this situation. Unfortunately many of us have been there. My DD was 12/11/12 and that was when NC started as well. In the middle if January 2013 I have that gut feeling he was hiding something. Took his phone (he was so paranoid and anxious the whole time I had it) so I compared it to our phone call log on-line. Only could fine 3 phone calls from an blocked number (that were erased from his call log). I was really suspicious of one 77min call. He looked my right in the eyes and swore on our children's lives it was nothing/not her but couldn't remember who it was. Middle of feb. I'm not sleeping at night and i just felt the urge to check his online account for his cell phone again. I found out u can see in coming out going text phone numbers....there was one Saturday back in jan he texted her 160 times over hours. I found this at 3am I got his luggage and woke him by throwing it on him while he slept. I kicked him out at 3:30am in the cold....long story short he said I should have done that when I found out because it taught him so much. They are still in the fog emotions/feelings/guilt/etc all over the place this soon after DD. I would set some very serious consequences for this. Let him know its going to be even harder this time to get you and your trust back.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Cape Cod
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your thoughts.

I am off to bed after much discussion. Funny how nearly every A behavior was represented in this one, failed attempt to contact her. Funny too that we've discussed all of these behaviors for the last two months as being detrimental to our M and friendly to an A and therefore acceptable but he did it anyway.

What a tiring day.


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 572 | Registered: Jul 2014
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. I agree that 2 months in is like a blink of an eye but I also remember how difficult each day was and getting through together that long must have felt like the beginning of something.

His issues are the reason he cheats. They are the cause. His affair is proof he can not deal with his issues in a healthy manner, on his own. He MUST start weekly IC. If his issues aren't identified and resolved (expect months maybe years) then you are going to keep coming back to this same painful place.

I'm thankful you can clearly see what he's done.

He says he was feeling guilty this morning because of what he did to her.

Great. Tell him to let you know when it's your turn.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2381 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first Dday was 7/26/13. On 9/16/13 i found a phone log on his work phone he had forgotten to erase. According to him at that time he had only talked to OW once or twice and only as friends. 11/15/13 things hadn't been ringing true for me and I put spyware on his work phone. Less than 24 hours was how long it took to intercept texts between them and plans to meet. His story at the time was he got weak and broke down and contacted her only a few days before i found out. Started MC at that time. 1/5/14 i was able to tell there were texts erased from his phone. Kicked him out. It was only at that time, when he was really ready to reconcile and wanted to save his M that he confessed the whole truth. A had never stopped. Not once. Not once did he really intend for it to stop. They would just take it further underground. In his messed up mind what was hurting me was i found out. Therefore if i didn't know it wouldn't hurt me and he could continue the A.

I tell you this because it's a possibility that your H has stayed in contact the whole time. This might be just the time you caught him. I hope that isn't the case bit be prepared. Stay vigilant. Search back records if you can. For me, finding out over and over that he was still lying after seeing how much he hurt me was almost unbearable. If i had found SI earlier I might have reacted differently and saved myself that pain. Giving him a taste of OW as reality and not fantasy is what finally woke my FWH up and allowed us to start true R. That happened when i finally said "no more" and was ready to end our M. I backed up my words with action and threw him out.

Stay strong. You deserve better. I know it hurts, many of us have been there. I am so sorry you are going through this now. Listen to your gut and what it tells you. I read "sorry i got caught and what is the least i can do to smooth this over so I can go back to what i was doing" in his text to you. Idk if I'm projecting or if it's because I've read it before from my FWH. I hope I am wrong for your sake.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 182 | Registered: Feb 2014
BlueinStLou
♀ Member
Member # 44416
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally agree with Christy516.

My WH did the same thing. They were in contact the whole time. It never stopped. Every time I caught on to one method of contact, they started another. Right down to the final straw, messaging each other through a game app. With her using a fake name and state so I wouldn't notice.

Please be prepared. It may be much worse than you think.

Even if not, he is not at the right place for R if he thinks that ANY contact is okay, or if he thinks that its okay to be trying to do anything without you finding out.

Finally, and what I told my WH is that what he thought was harmless communication with her was in effect giving her continued hope that they would be together. Although I think she deserves every hurt she gets, I also wanted him to know that if he kept leading her on, it would never be possible to R with me.

Sounds like your WH has some very serious thinking and work to do, and also that you should be doing more checking.

Finally, and this will hurt, is that if he is initiating ANY communication with her, no matter if he thinks it is mean, gloating, whatever, IMO it means that he isn't done with the relationship.


DDay1 3/26/2014
DDay2 4/15/2014
DDay 3 7/15/2014
DDay 4 8/15/2014

Me BS 40
WH 39

3 Kids, 9, 4 and 1


Posts: 185 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: St Louis MO
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, too.

Gently, there are just too many questions and his answers demonstrate a lack of insight. It's likely that HE doesn't even recognize that he contacted her because he can't stay away or isn't done with the relationship, yet. He's in the fog still. He can't prioritize or even describe his actual motives. You are only going to get hurt until he gets the help he needs to figure out his "whys." There is no good reason or excuse he can give for contacting her, really. Can you think of one that I might not be able to? Basically, the only reason to contact her outside of a mutual decision between the two of you, is to have private contact with her.

I hate to say this, but I fear there is more you don't know. I strongly suggest you separate yourself from this to give you both space to figure out what you need and want. Again, investigate everything you can without him knowing. Continuing to engage with him now will only result in more hurt, hurt he will probably regret later, and hurt you don't deserve that will make it more difficult to trust if you hope to reconcile. Or view it as he no longer gets the privilege of hurting you.

I'm so sorry. You have support here. We got you.


WS: 39
BS: 39
DS: 6
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 833 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
ReconcilingWife
♀ Member
Member # 44420
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you doing? Your situation has really been on my mind.


Me: BS, 41
Him: WS, 47
DD: May 30, 2014 (2 month affair)

Married 13 years
2 children

Trying to reconcile


Posts: 298 | Registered: Aug 2014
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the 3rd D-Day with the same woman? Your H needs some serious consequences imposed upon him or he will contact her again. He didn't want to apologize, he wanted ego kibble, he wanted to know that she still wanted him and was pining for him...that is what he wanted. He wanted the ego boost. That is a HUGE problem. He needs IC. I'm sorry, what a jerk.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 563 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 40
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