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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Panicking! Please help!
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 2 mo post Dday. My husband has been wonderful and we've made immense progress.

This morning I awoke to him having changed his Skype password according to his email!

I called him at work. He re downloaded the app to his cell but couldn't remember the password.

He wanted to tell her he was sorry & why they couldn't talk!

We did this via a phone call, NC letter and through a friend already!

I am so hurt as pissed!

Now what??????


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2014
Margypan
♀ Member
Member # 44427
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's not NC! Is he in IC? It might be time to 180 him.

I'm sorry I dont have better advice! But I wanted to respond ASAP!

Hang in there!


Me: 30 BW
Him: 34 WH (Trip3)

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: South Carolina
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a serious breach of NC and also, you had to find out about it yourself....
have you decided on your own boundaries for safety in this relationship and does your husband know and understand them?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5317 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Ginny
♀ Member
Member # 43196
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtbuthopeful35,

I don't know what to say other than take care of yourself right now. Breathe. I am so sorry to hear this for you. Is he coming home from work so you can work this out? Do you hqve a trusted friend or family member to help you IRL?

I don't blame you for being upset. It sounds as if he may still be in the fog and couldn't resist reaching out to her. His story of explaining the NC to her (again) is pretty suspicious, but WH in the fog do stupid things. It seems as if the A was pretty long term.

Maybe it is time for a polygraph regarding NC and other details. Do you have a VAR for his car? Keyloggers for his computer? GPS. APPs for his phone to check on him? Full transparency in all things? It stinks to have to be so vigilant but a remorseful WS should be ok with that. Have you rocked OW's world with outing her? Is there a BS on her side?

I am sure others with more helpful advice will be here soon. R is a tough, tough road. {{hugs}}


BW49
FWH50
DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
DS28
Trying to R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Apr 2014
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so going up one side and down the other on him this afternoon! This is his first major error in all this time and I feel like it sent us back to day 1.

He immediately apologized but it doesn't matter.

Yet again, he put them first over us.

Thankfully, he was unable to get it to work bc she had been blocked!


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2014
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what to say. I feel I will burst.

I had finally gotten to where I wasn't checking up on him all the time. I'm crushed.

He knows it was dumb but, yet again, didn't consider the consequences.

He's not on his way home but I will be putting on a keylogger. I will be deleting his skype account bc blocking her isn't enough apparently.

He just told me a couple days ago he would never try to contact her! Now I don't know what to believe.


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2014
ReconcilingWife
♀ Member
Member # 44420
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so, so sorry. I know things were going very well, and I can certainly see how this would send you back to day 1. Is he in IC? Are you in MC?


Me: BS, 41
Him: WS, 47
DD: May 30, 2014 (2 month affair)

Married 13 years
2 children

Trying to reconcile


Posts: 261 | Registered: Aug 2014
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No MC, no IC. Apparently we DO need it.

I have showed him such compassion and empathy.

I said to him, what did you expect from this? Did you not think this might inspire her to start contacting you again???


I didn't think of that, he says...

wTF???


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2014
ReconcilingWife
♀ Member
Member # 44420
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely get counselling. GOOD counselling--if you can get a recommendation that would be best. Some parts of your story have really resonated with me. If my marriage survives, it will be thanks to the excellent ICs we're both seeing.

Also, have him read the short book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair if he hasn't already. You can find it online as a pdf. I read it before asking my WH to--I really liked it, and he said that he found it very helpful.


Me: BS, 41
Him: WS, 47
DD: May 30, 2014 (2 month affair)

Married 13 years
2 children

Trying to reconcile


Posts: 261 | Registered: Aug 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt - my husband broke NC and I found out about it by looking at the phone records. I regret not coming down with a harder stance. Just FYI. I'm thinking the 180 needs to be implemented maybe?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5317 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no! I'm so sorry. This is not ok and I know you are reeling. If it were innocent he would have discussed this need with you first. And to have discovered it is horrible. I recommend the 180. In the first few months I regret not taking a stronger stance with my WS. Do you have a list of deal breakers? Things he needs to do to show you he's ready for R?


WS: 39
BS: 39
DS: 6
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 727 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he was feeling guilty this morning because of what he did to her. He wanted to say he was sorry.

Yup, it's true. He used that ho. Told her he loved her and promised her a future in order to keep her playing the part in his fantasy. But ya know, she knew he was married so that's her damn problem, not mine.

I'm not sure what to do about this. I felt like we were beginning to put the A behind us and move onto true R.

Even if it was just an apology, it shows that his vulnerabilities are still there: 1) selfish feelings (he really just wanted to make himself feel like less if a bad-guy) 2) not considering the consequences of his actions 3) impulsively acting on his emotions 4) downplaying his behavior 5) willing to keep me in the dark (you really think he'd tell me about this??)

What are my boundaries? I don't know. I don't want to be without him but I will not be second-rate.


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2014
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to add fuel to the fire, but don't overlook that HER feelings were more important than yours. I'm so sorry.


WS: 39
BS: 39
DS: 6
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 727 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, peoplepleaser, you aren't adding fuel. I've already told him this along with what feelings he would have sparked in her.

He has told me he cannot contact her bc she will drag him back down that slope--but he attempts to anyways?!

So glad I'm still watching his accounts. He could have deleted those email notifications and I would not have known at all! I'm sure he intended to!!


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2014
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has told me he cannot contact her bc she will drag him back down that slope

Your WH is not a safe partner. You gave him the gift of R, and in return it is his job to help you feel safe in the M. Right now you're the only one committed to keeping the M safe from intruders. How long are you willing to keep that up?

I would strongly advise implementing the 180 at this point. Tell WH he is welcome to contact xAP or whomever he likes, but not while you're his wife.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1248 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
SoulShine
♀ New Member
Member # 44434
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I call BS on the apology crap. My FWH said the very same thing when I caught him trying to recontact (3 times)in the week after DDay. (She'd already sent HIM a NC message after I exposed to her family.) I told him he owed her no apologies that I, and her family, were the ones who deserved apologies. Then he changed his story to "I wanted to warn her about all the proof of the affair you had found." His loyalties were still with the MOW right then and he really just wanted another "hit" from the OW "pipe". And that's very likely the same thing with your H; he's feeling pretty low right now and needed a "fix". Your H thought he could sneak just one little contact by you. Just like the affair, you wouldn't know, so there'd be "no harm, no foul".


BS (Me) 56
FWH (Him) 50
Married 16 years
Together 22 years
No children
3 month online/texting EA-1X PA
It all happened in late 2012
DDay - January 2013
In R

Yeah, it all started on Fakebook.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hurtbuthopeful35)))

I am so sorry to see this! I know you and I are relatively close to the same distance away from our DDays and things had been going so well!

I don't have any advice just wanted to give you a hug!


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 237 | Registered: Jul 2014
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the first time I've considered a future without him. Not that I want to leave but that I need a plan in the event this doesn't work.

Telling my mom is on the list and contacting a lawyer for an exit plan.


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2014
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Start the 180 for YOU! And start NOW....he has had his cake too long....
I have no doubt all the shit our waywards said to their AP was all said to keep the fantasy life going...he is still in the selfish mode...
I understand that panic mode.....it creates hopelessness ....I believe the 180 can ease that feeling...


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 633 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankly, I thought he was different. That I was lucky bc he hasn't been putting me through what so many people here are going through.

You know what he said? He thought he could just say these few things to her "and he wouldn't get caught."

So, apparently honesty is only necessary in situations in which I can easily know; apparently it's still okay to do the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" thing.

This small attempt to contact her broke every promise he's made for two months. Every. Single. One.


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2014
Topic Posts: 40
Pages: 1 · 2

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