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User Topic: This pain
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This pain is so breathtakingly deep. Some days it is all I can do to pull myself out of bed and then once the kids are sorted I just sit on the couch blankly surfing my ipad. Meanwhile the pain is like a lead lump in my heart. He is trying, he is remorseful, he wants to spend his life making sure I know how much he loves, appreciates and cares for me and the kids and is sorry for this pain he has inflicted on me.

But all I can think about is but he didn't care for me, even he admitted he pushed me away and treated me like crap to justify to himself why he was cheating. I feel like I have her sitting on one shoulder laughing at me and him on the other trying to convince me he loves me. But how can I trust a liar. He lied and betrayed me so easily for that time and treated me like crap. How can I stop that knowledge from suffocating me. How can I still love someone that would do thT to me? Should I expect more from my husband? Yes I know I deserve more but who is to,say someone else wouldn't do it too? We had 16 good years of marriage and then he threw it away for her.

He says it wasn't worth it, that she wasn't worth it, all this pain and hurt he has caused. So what does that make me if she was worth nothing. If he was willing to throw me under the bus for someone so worthless what worth and value does that put on me.

My head knows it is about him, but it has stolen any ounce of value, confidence and self worth I had in myself. The pain takes my breath away, I long to not wake up each morning, to have no responsibilities so I could escape the hurt, but I can't. I have to live with the pain of knowing that I meant nothing to the man who was the centre of my world, who I loved with every ounce of my being, who I believed thought I was just as special. But now I know that I meant nothing, that she meant more and I don't know if I can ever get over that betrayal, that knowledge that he chose someone over me, that he had sex with someone else, he gave away all that was special and precious between us to someone who means nothing. He handed all of my precious memories and life highlights to her, she is now tangled up in everything that meant something to me, and he put her there.

I don't want to live with this pain, I don't know how to move past it, to let go or get rid of this pain, it is overwhelming and drowning and I can't catch my breath, I feel like I am surviving on tiny gasps and it isn't sustaining me properly.

I don't want this life anymore, it hurts too much :(


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 217 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
gimmeshelter
♂ Member
Member # 44263
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But it's so hard finding out years later, it makes me feel like even the good times were fake. It makes me questions everything, and in some ways it upsets me to think he was changing because of his As and I had no clue, was completely oblivious to it.
It will get better. I know it seems like it wont now but it will. I was in your shoes and thought I would never recover. I could not escape it. I can laugh now. Have faith and hope please. you will heal


Me 47
WW 40
D-day Jan 2014 2month EA 2011 TT D-day #2 Feb 2014 2 brief PA 2010-2011
D 12 S 9
Working on recovery

Posts: 219 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: mn
gimmeshelter
♂ Member
Member # 44263
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to live with this pain, I don't know how to move past it, to let go or get rid of this pain, it is overwhelming and drowning and I can't catch my breath, I feel like I am surviving on tiny gasps and it isn't sustaining me properly.
Sorry last post had the wrong quote. I will pray for you tonight


Me 47
WW 40
D-day Jan 2014 2month EA 2011 TT D-day #2 Feb 2014 2 brief PA 2010-2011
D 12 S 9
Working on recovery

Posts: 219 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: mn
peaceBmine
♀ Member
Member # 44060
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I so relate to many of your words. I know for me, I take comfort in knowing that the A had NOTHING to do with OW...other than she was an adulterous woman that was willing and able to effectively pursue WH. But, she could have been anyone.

WH often says "it had nothing to do with you.". Sometimes this really hurts as we all know IT DOES HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH ME- I THR ONE WHO GOT HURT! But, honestly he is correct on this. This has to do with HIM!...HIS SELFISHNESS!...HIS SINFULNESS, HIS BROKENNESS, HIS WAYWARDNESS! He is correct...it was not about me. Once they allow themselves into the fantasy world of the A, it is all about THEM. You cannot change the past and that he was so careless with his decisions, but you CAN change how you view yourself. His terrible choices are NOT a reflection on you. They are a reflection on him and no one else.


Me (BS)- 42
Him (WS)- 44
Married 21 years
3 beautiful daughters (18,16,14)
DDay- 4/23/14- 6 month EA turned PA just before DDay

Posts: 354 | Registered: Jul 2014
UpInTheAirNow
♂ Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As long as your WS is truly showing remorse and empathy and is willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal then I recommend you give it time. I'm more than 2 years out and I felt just like you at 4-5 months. I gave it 6 months before I decided it was a deal breaker for me. But her being unremorseful made that decision easier for me. I was also loosing respect for myself staying. They say it takes 2-5 years to heal from this trauma. I used to say I'm on the 5 year plan but at 2 yrs I feel much much better. No matter how it pans out just know that in time you will heal. What you feel now is temporary and necessary to heal your broken heart. Feel it. It's ok. We understand. And care.


ME 44
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.
Its a deal breaker!

Posts: 194 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
SoLostStillNumb
♀ Member
Member # 44248
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have nothing to offer but hugs. Lots of hugs. What you have written so clearly details all of my feelings exactly, minus WS being remorseful.

I can only hope things get better because right now I only see and feel darkness.


(((Stunned)))


Me: BS 26 Him: WH 27
Married: 5 years, together 7. No kids.
DDay: 6/3/14 and TT till 9/5/14
Separated, headed for divorce
Trying to accept this nightmare is real every morning.
Hold on, this will hurt more than anything has before

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: VA
JustOneMoreDay
♀ Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too, stunnedmullet, me too. No amount of IC seems to be easing the pain either. I feel so incredibly alone.

(((Hugs)))


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm right there with you, Mullet. Every single word. I want to run, but there is no where to go, no good choices to make, and nothing that doesn't hurt like hell.

Hugs to you, sister.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 383 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Amazingyetlost
♀ Member
Member # 43745
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((stunnedmullet)))))

I know exactly how you feel.

But all I can think about is but he didn't care for me, even he admitted he pushed me away and treated me like crap to justify to himself why he was cheating.

I got this explanation also. It hurts. But thats what they have to do, unless they are total psychopaths - they need to create a distance and blame. Thats why its not about you -- its about the knots of logic they must tie up to give themselves permission to A.

He says it wasn't worth it, that she wasn't worth it, all this pain and hurt he has caused. So what does that make me if she was worth nothing. If he was willing to throw me under the bus for someone so worthless what worth and value does that put on me.

Yes. Right there is one of the knotted bits of WS thinking that just doesn't come out right. It sounds like it would be a good thing to say, and my annoying response would be "So, what would make it *worth it* ? " ... but that gets away from the question that the words he uses raises in your head. The only thing I can figure out at my own point in time, and in my situation, is that " she wasn't worth it" means that compared to you, but unfortunately in retrospect, the supposed thrill of the OW was not worth the destruction of your soul, and your marriage.

I have to live with the pain of knowing that I meant nothing to the man who was the centre of my world,

This is only my thinking on this, but I hope it has some value:

You do mean something to him. Yes these people lie and cheat us, and take so much -- but they do it behind our backs because they want to have their cake and also their tart. Funny, they rarely want to give up the cakey goodness that is us. They think that cake is the nicest cake and why didn't they appreciate that cake, etc ---

I also struggle with "but why go out for tart at all!!!! " Well, thats their problem -- there is never ever a why that will satisfy.

But if he is there and remorseful and you know in some part of your soul that he loves, appreciates and cares for you and the children -- then you do mean something, more than something. You are the sanity,the real, the island of refuge after he was lost on the sea of fantasy.

he gave away all that was special and precious between us to someone who means nothing. He handed all of my precious memories and life highlights to her, she is now tangled up in everything that meant something to me, and he put her there.

I have said this exact same thing, exactly word for word. Its true. And we wander through the wreckage, not quite believing that this broken plank was once the home of my heart, and that twisted frame was once held the memories of our life... but we have to accept this because this is real.

I don't know how to move past it, to let go or get rid of this pain, it is overwhelming and drowning and I can't catch my breath, I feel like I am surviving on tiny gasps and it isn't sustaining me properly.

We have to move through this pain because it is not going to be otherwise. We have to wake each morning and put another day between our heart and the devastation, and struggle with the lowest of lows as well as the marginal of not so bad days -- but we will wake every damn morning, and we will mark another day to live, and we will gather the wreckage and toss everything that is broken, and we will create new homes for our hearts and frames for our memories, because dammit, we are so worthy, and we did not fail, and we will even find the courage to forgive if we are shown respect and love and loyalty. We will survive. YOU will survive. You *will* survive. You will take all the time you need to blank out, you will take care of yourself in all the little ways (eating, drinking fluids) as well as the big ways (getting your IC sorted if you do not already have some). Your children are also an anchor in this process -- god bless the fact they have to be sorted every day

I am going to be looking for your updates, please keep posting -- to tell us about the ongoing struggle, to tell us any changes, just to tell us -- because we are here for you for the long haul


ME: 58 BW
HIM: 57 EA & PA, ten months (madboomer)
Married: December 24th, 2013; Together: 4 years
D/Day: June 3rd 2014 (karma allowed that it happened on OW birthday); NC June 4th 2014
"Once in a while you get shown the light..."

Posts: 218 | Registered: Jun 2014
tl502
♀ Member
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember feeling this way for most of the first 2 years after dd. The pain was like something heavy was sitting on my chest, like I had a bowling ball in my stomach. I felt like I was watching life through a long tube. I could hear and see, but only participate from a distance.

After a while, I started to feel lighter sometimes. I would notice that I could be myself with my daughters and my mom. I noticed that I was having fun at work again and enjoying my friends.It's taking longer to feel relaxed around my h.

Try to remember that he wasn't the same man during the a that he was before and hopefully now. His vision and judgement was poor. He had to go against everything he stood for to become an adulterer. The value he saw in her at the time never existed and now that he is out of fantasyland, he sees that the true value lies in you and his m.


Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 365 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: tl502
cosmicjoke
♀ Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SM)))... Yes, yes, and yes...! Right there with you sister. Word for word. I personally have spent more than my share of time in the fetal position. I can't say it gets better because for many of us, it never really does. Which sucks. But I hear you & feel your pain & get exactly what you're saying 100%. And if you do have a better version of your partner now, all you can do is make the most of it... and maybe someday the stars will
align or something and fortune will turn in our favor...

Posts: 234 | Registered: May 2013
houseofpain
♀ Member
Member # 25706
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too. Me too.


D-Day: 09/19/09
D-Day2: 10/19/13
Me: 49
WS: 45
Blended family with 5 kids

Pain is just fear leaving the body


Posts: 75 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Texas
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone, even if in just a small way it does help knowing there are others that understand how I am feeling even though it is horrifying to know so many of us are going through the same pain inflicted by those who are spouses to love us

Xx


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 217 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 13

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