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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: boss boundaries
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is entirely possible it will be ok. It's just not headed that direction right now. The hardest thing to realize after the illusion is revealed is that your WS is not who you thought they were. In the early days I operated as if my WS was. I used the same interactions and criteria to navigate our relationship. It didn't work. It doesn't work.

Looking back on my own situation and reading stories on here have led me to believe that setting firm boundaries and empowering yourself now is not going to make someone leave who wasn't already out the door. In actuality, it sets up a better chance to R. The firmer your boundaries the less the WS is able to add more hurt to an already seemingly impossible task of rebuilding trust.

Ultimately you will be ok regardless. One way or another you will rescue yourself from a toxic relationship.

WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 683 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


so sorry you are here. I want to say everything I am about to say as gently as possible. Nobody here wants to 2x4 you too much but I think you have a big problem here and you are headed for big trouble. First of all I read the post regarding the funeral and the red flags were flying. Trying22 he manipulated you. He didnt want you to go and that is it. He wanted to see OW. A WH who is truly remorseful and changed will not go anywhere near OW and especially without his wife. Saying that showing up to a funeral or ANY event with his wife is in poor taste or would be disrespectful is a huge load of shit. The only person who he disrespected was you in this situation. He was worried that the presence of his wife would upset his OW and those who knew of the affair, he was protecting their feelings and he wanted to see ow without you. This is wayward thinking. The only person he should have been worried about would be you, how you feel about him seeing OW and if he went he should have WANTED you there so you could feel SAFE, or not go. That his what a remorseful wayward would do. He wanted to see ow. I would be checking phone records.

And this boss situation has more red flags flying. No way a remorseful wayward is going to go out one on one with a female, never. Especially since you had already expressed how this made you feel. He simply did not care and went anyhow. Your safety and feelings were tossed aside so he could spend one on one time with his boss. I have never heard of anyone's boss calling or texting around midnight. Unprofessional and totally inappropriate. Again he didnt care about your feelings and you're correct, he didnt answer because you were there. Had he answered it would have looked a tad better but he knew he couldnt take that call with you there. Again, Trying if he is remorseful he would not be snappy with you when you express your feelings, he wouldnt tell you that you are insecure. His wayward behavior is making you feel unsafe and I believe your gut is screaming at you Trying22, listen to it. He would never put you in the place he did for this funeral and he never would be getting calls from a woman late and night and going out with her alone. Knowing each and everyone one of these things hurts you and makes you feel unsafe. He knows it is wrong and he is trying to manipulate you and blameshift onto you. These are huge problems.

Do you have total transparency with him? Passwords etc? Can you check his phone and emails anytime youd like to? If not ask for that asap. Check everything. If texts and emails have been deleted big problem. Check phone records took, Id go into investigative mode asap, I am so sorry.

Trying22 I know you want everyone to say it will be ok. Someday it might be but your WH as to get to a place or remorse and truly get it and change. You cannot go on living like this. It is unfair to you. Right now he is not even close to remorseful, and I think there is a huge problem brewing. You deserve to feel safe in your M. You deserve it. What he is doing with his boss and with regard to his past OW are wrong and highly suspect.
Im so sorry ((((hugs))))

Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 422 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying, I'm not at all surprised your husband sometimes does nice things like surprise you at the wedding. Was that in this thread? I can't remember. And I'm not surprised he was upset when he left for the funeral, because he had upset you. I have little doubt that he wants you to be happy but the problem is that he see little relationship between his actions and your happiness. He thinks he can somehow magically have you as the happy wife and these other women as bonus ego strokes.

I suspect he's an emotional child and he's going to continue to do what makes him happy while manipulating anything he can to avoid the consequences of his action. His old work friends would have thought worse of him if they realized you weren't the ogre wife he'd painted you, so he didn't take you to the funeral. Your presence there would have interfered with is ability to absorb the former AP's attentions, so he didn't take you. Avoiding alone time with this new woman would have made him look unfriendly, plus he would have missed out on a what he perceives as a good time--so he didn't respect the boundaries you've agreed on. He's like my dog--the minute I turn my head, my cookies disappear.

Consequences. What are they?

BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd suspect an affair here. Seriously. A baseball game...alone together? Defensiveness? Blameshifting? Gaslighting? ...after the event. Calling you insecure?? Classic WS behavior. She is calling him late at night AND he didn't take the call??? Who the hell do they think they are kidding?

He doesn't get it. This isn't just a boundary issue. This has gone way beyond boundaries. You need to get yourself a lovely pair of bitch boots.

FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)

Posts: 532 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 24
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