Could or should we have done something different?
Before the real DDAY in first marriage I found a special card from OW, she felt the need to give him her own card separate from the company card everyone else signed. I found it in his coat. It said things about him 'always being there' for her and she gushed about how great he was.
I confronted him, he told me I was jealous, and I went along knowing something was off, but really having nothing to go on. In hindsight now, that card was a glaring red flag. But what do you do at the time??
When you see a phone call or something, but have little else, but a feeling. What do you do?
We all know so much in hindsight, we call ourselves "naïve" and "were so stupid" ... but what is the appropriate action on those pre-DDAY signals?
One of my first clues was her gushing about him the one and only time I met her. Then there was a phone call, with her asking him'can't you talk?'.
Yes these are kind of common things. The gushing over him thing is very common! What is the best response when someone does that and you just FEEL it's inappropriate??
my biggest weakness is usually not knowing what to say at the moment!! Later, I get mad at myself for not responding, but at the time, I'm mad but have no idea what to do about it and I don't want to appear like I'm overreacting in front of other people.
Maybe someone with some guts and good at quick responses can chime in! I want to learn....lol
Another situation with current marriage: howorker stood around him right in front of me when he left the job, asking too many questions about where was he gonna work, what about his children, etc. I was mad, but didn't know what to say!!! I felt it was none of her business and it made me suspicious that they had crossed boundaries at least talking. But what could I have said at the time that wouldn't have made me sound like a controlling bitter bitch??? I truly am curious. Of course I told him HE should have been the one to shut her off! But, a part of me wishes I would have had some witchy, cool little response that made her look stupid but not made me look jealous and bitter to everyone else around!
Even after I was contacted I didn't believe it. It wasn't until the last contact and his behaviour that I knew it was true.
So I guess my take is don't beat yourself up for not seeing or knowing what was going on, I mean, we honored our vows why would we suspect them of doing otherwise? I would have never married the man if I hadn't trusted and believed him.. Right? I am happy for BS's that move on and find new love, but for myself, I can't see me trusting or believing another man. That is the life lesson I got out of this tragedy!
[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:55 AM, August 22nd (Friday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
How do you fight it when the OW is willing to have a long term relationship with a man who won't tell her where he lives, won't tell her his home phone or cell phone number. The only contact is either through work phone or work email both of which are extremely limited by his employer, and who is willing to only have sex at lunch hour or an hour he can break away from work. He was never gone at night or on weekends. Her comment to me is that he loves her, you can tell by how he looks at her, and is only afraid of me. Now, mind you, they never discussed me at all. Even she verified they had no conversations about me or his current living situation. So he wasn't telling her anything about me. She has no other long term relationship with any other man that I can see. She just waits around to be available to my WSO? She said, "he chose me twice" (she doesn't even know about the first time I guess...??? Honey, he only chose you for sex, if he wanted you for anything else, he wouldn't be with me right now.
But the answer to the point of your question....keystroke logger. Invaluable tool.
I used to ignore that clue, but never again.
Why would some women feel the need to gush about how wonderful your husband is to the wife.
An intelligent person knows that no one really knows what goes on in a marriage behind closed doors.
So why would some strange women be telling you how wonderful your spouse is.
I remember after Dday, My husband belonged to a health club alone. After dday, I insisted on joining because the OW worked out there.
He signed me up, And, when I go in the next day to get my membership card validated, one of the women in charge of sign up started gushing about how wonderful and nice my husband is.
I just looked at her coldly and said "oh is he?"
Where upon the other women in the room started laughing and said something like "I told you so".
The gushing lady said......uhm, I mean he is very polite.
And, I said, well that's true. He is polite.
But really unless someone asks you what you think of their spouse, why gush about someone else's spouse.
IMO, that's inappropriate and in the future that gushing will always raise my suspicions.
[This message edited by deena04 at 5:20 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]
I can say that I actually knew early on but I didn't act on it because I was SO SURE h would or could never ever be so hurtful. I think the biggest clue is when the ws brings up the name of their op into every converstaion during the day. H couldn't say the name Aracely enough during the day. It was actually more like Whore-a-cellly.
In hindsight I now wish I had gone to ow's house (2 down from me) and waited in a room with a camera. It would have been quite a sight seeing the two of them trying to put their clothes on while trying to catch me running out the door with the evidence.
[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 5:27 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]
Could or should we have done something different?
I would not beat yourself up over this. I am one who confronted without any physical proof whatsoever. I came across a text wh sent to the wrong person that would seem entirely innocuous to almost anyone. Except me! My gut knew it was off. I spent 3 days in investigative mode (though not an effective one I hadn't found SI yet) and I confronted. He lied. I KNEW he was lying because his story didn't make sense.
So, I am someone who jumped ALL over it immediately, and you know what that got me? It got me a wh who was now on high alert, a wh who gas lighted me obviously much easier to do when the majority of my proof was gut and behavior changes that I noticed.
I actually wish I would have kept my mouth shut and waited and installed key loggers and VARs. He was very good at not leaving a trail but they all mess up eventually. I missed my window of opportunity. Had I either kept quiet or dismissed my gut feeling as me being paranoid, I think I would have been further along in my detachment process by now
I found this gesture very bold and daring and intended to cause trouble between the spouses. I did not hide my displeasure and right there and then I should have accessed his emails, but I did not. I told H my feelings and he did not say much.
But right after this incident, I started watching and eventually they were both caught because of this very behavior: boldness.
A friend who knows both H and the OW told me much later that the OW would have eventually moved in my house. I do believe it; anyone who acted the way she did right from the onset of an EA, there is no telling what she would have done as time went by.