There (seems to be) nothing romantic happening, but they're friends at work. They eat lunch together. Last November, he confided in her his dissatisfaction with our love life. After D-Day, he confided in her what he'd done as far as the sexually explicit emails. He says she reacted stronger than I did (not as a negative to me, just as a comment) and I told him that when it happened I went numb.
He's unhappy because the therapist harped on him about how inappropriate it is to be confiding in a single woman. He's less than pleased that I agree with her. That he's giving her his emotions and that's taking away from our marriage.
I've got some words in my head, but thought some of the SI peeps might like to reply with what THEY would say. I can use it for inspiration and maybe help expound on my own thoughts.
If you're up for the challenge... GO!
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Not sure how open he may or may not be with grandma, buuuut something tells me grandma doesn't know much about his sex life.
Last November, he confided in her his dissatisfaction with our love life.
Yeah, there is no planet in which that is appropriate exchange between a husband and a female friend
And that he is displeased when the therapist called him on that is the indication his head is still in the fog.
I'm laughing out loud at gonnabe2016 response.
But you don't indicate how long the R has been, or when DDAy. Assuming that R is fresh (as the crap between WS ears)
I would say :
"This is the thinking and behaviour that disrespected our marriage. This behaviour is well outside the boundaries I need to feel safe and hopeful. Make your choice now to do the things you need to do to show me the respect I deserve, or lets start working on the parting of ways."
"This is the thinking and behavior that disrespected our marriage. This behavior is well outside the boundaries I need to feel safe and hopeful. Make your choice now to do the things you need to do to show me the respect I deserve, or lets start working on the parting of ways."
The ball's in his court.
Dont know if that will help. But it helped me.
Best of luck
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women
I suppose that's radical in today's world of "you can't control/own/boss me."
It's my boundary though. I look at it just like I phrased it. I am the ONE person he chose as a life partner. You don't even get to choose your family. As long as I have a healthy attitude about friends (and vice versa) it is a healthy M that respects dropping friends that make the other partner feel insecure or as if boundaries are being stretched. Why? Because this is the one relationship for each of us that is a choice and supposed to last for life.
I would have a problem with MrH talking to a female friend about the things your WH has talked about. Heck, I might even have a problem if it's a male friend but that's b/c xOw1's x'B'H and MrH used to talk about our sex life. Apparently the x'B'H would go home and talk to xOw1 about it and they hatched a plan to convince us to swap. When that fell though, xOw1 went after MrH. I guess it was greed he was the weak link.
So yeah- protect your M above all else and anyone who chooses not to cherish our M isn't cherishing me.
Finally- have you guys, him especially, read Not Just Friends?
I had my talking points kind of worked out in my head along with the resolution I expected. And I made a muck of it.
Believe it or not, my WH is actually really honest. If asked a question, he answers honestly. Of course, if the question isn't asked and he can avoid saying something he thinks I won't like, that's the option he takes.
Anyway, I left it at, "Anything you share with her, you also share with me. No more emotionally distancing yourself. If it's important enough to tell a friend, it's important enough to bring home for discussion."
He's agreed. We'll see how this goes.
You told him he could continue this friendship, but you expect him to tell you everything they talk about. You are extending trust, when he has done nothing to prove he can be trusted. He hasn't had time yet, since dday just happened, of course. But this is not the way to earn that trust..this is playing with fire. he earns your trust by being open, honest, transparent, IC, answering your questions, and so many other things that will take time.
I think you need to tell him no more female friends...and if you aren't comfortable with that..then you need to stay on top of this friendship with this girl. And watch for red flags. Considering all the trauma that is caused from dday, you are dealing with a shit ton of emotions. Worrying about this girl shouldn't be one of them. he should remove anything that causes stress to your marriage right now..that he treasures this girl's friendship so much doesn't sit well.
ETA: Have you met this girl?
[This message edited by confused615 at 5:45 AM, August 22nd (Friday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Since he isn't, I am always of the belief that where there is smoke there is fire.....
"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
It should be and if it isn'tthen that's another red flag. R can't happen if the WS is still showing bad boundaries and selfish behavior. This is what leads to an A.
Take it from someone who has 20+yrs of trying to love someone who loved himself more, you need to start the 180 so you can learn to focus on yourself. Right now, only one of you is in the M. He's not innocent in this. A remorseful WH would end a friendship if it meant keeping it would keep his BW in pain. Even without the backing of the MC.
Which brings me to the next point. Consider quitting MC and just go to IC. Since your WH is still in the cheating mindset there's no point in wasting money on MC. Please don't lie to yourself about where your WH is. He may be paying lipservice to R and loving you but his actions scream otherwise.
All that said, the coworker is trouble, flags went up when you posted that she wouldn't come to events that included your WH's family.
[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 10:29 AM, August 22nd (Friday)]
Im sorry, but Im going to be blunt. I believe he is, at the very least, involved in an EA with this girl. He spends a lot of time with her. He confides in her, and she confides in him. She knows he has shitty boundaries, and he has no problem cheating on you, because he told her so. Yet she still has no problem spending time, alone, with a married man..who cheated on his wife.
You need to shut this down. Now.