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User Topic: How Would You Explain
5Hurting5
♀ Member
Member # 44452
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To a WH that his female friend from work needs to be cut off? He's not getting what I or the counselor are saying.

There (seems to be) nothing romantic happening, but they're friends at work. They eat lunch together. Last November, he confided in her his dissatisfaction with our love life. After D-Day, he confided in her what he'd done as far as the sexually explicit emails. He says she reacted stronger than I did (not as a negative to me, just as a comment) and I told him that when it happened I went numb.

He's unhappy because the therapist harped on him about how inappropriate it is to be confiding in a single woman. He's less than pleased that I agree with her. That he's giving her his emotions and that's taking away from our marriage.

I've got some words in my head, but thought some of the SI peeps might like to reply with what THEY would say. I can use it for inspiration and maybe help expound on my own thoughts.

If you're up for the challenge... GO!


Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he doesn't see what the problem is, then there's nothing that you'll be able to say to make him see the light -- other than "you've been served."


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
LumpyLola
♀ Member
Member # 44330
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some men are clueless to those things. They still think "old school" about A's. They believe that, if the penis does not make contact with the vagina, well, then they're certainly not cheating!

Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Chicago
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A friend at the office is one thing. Your conversations are about the project you're working on, the weather, and that you had a nice vacation at the beach last week, that your child has the flu, or that you just got new window treatments. Any discussion about sex is NOT office appropriate. About your sex life, about the racy emails you send, anything that you wouldn't discuss with your grandmother is something you shouldn't discuss with a colleague.

Not sure how open he may or may not be with grandma, buuuut something tells me grandma doesn't know much about his sex life.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 709 | Registered: May 2014
Amazingyetlost
♀ Member
Member # 43745
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((5Hurting5))))))

Last November, he confided in her his dissatisfaction with our love life.

Yeah, there is no planet in which that is appropriate exchange between a husband and a female friend

And that he is displeased when the therapist called him on that is the indication his head is still in the fog.

I'm laughing out loud at gonnabe2016 response.

But you don't indicate how long the R has been, or when DDAy. Assuming that R is fresh (as the crap between WS ears)

I would say :

"This is the thinking and behaviour that disrespected our marriage. This behaviour is well outside the boundaries I need to feel safe and hopeful. Make your choice now to do the things you need to do to show me the respect I deserve, or lets start working on the parting of ways."

"


ME: 58 BW
HIM: 57 EA & PA, ten months (madboomer)
Married: December 24th, 2013; Together: 4 years
D/Day: June 3rd 2014 (karma allowed that it happened on OW birthday); NC June 4th 2014
"Once in a while you get shown the light..."

Posts: 218 | Registered: Jun 2014
workingmama
♀ New Member
Member # 44557
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Trying to work through things after an A is VERY challenging. With that being said, the quote from Amazingyetlost hits the nail on the head, IMO.
"This is the thinking and behavior that disrespected our marriage. This behavior is well outside the boundaries I need to feel safe and hopeful. Make your choice now to do the things you need to do to show me the respect I deserve, or lets start working on the parting of ways."

You are going to counseling together, which is a great step, but unless both, which includes HIM too, are willing to listen and change, its not going to do any good. Given what he has done, the least he could do limit conversation with her to work only related. IF she is truly "just a friend" she will totally understand. ((hugs))


BS: me (32)
WH: him (34)
1 Child (5)
Married for 11 1/2 years

Posts: 17 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Alabama
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's received more than adequate explanation.

The ball's in his court.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9019 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing that has helped me as a ws. I try to remember that time, energy, and emotion are limited resources. So if I only have so much emotion for a day. And if that emotion that I share with those that are not important takes away from the emotion bank to share with my family. This includes being angry at my job etc. So the anger being an emotion also withdrawals from that bank. So I try to make wise choices as to where to spend my emotio al currency.

Dont know if that will help. But it helped me.
Best of luck


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 833 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the simple attitude that any friend that my spouse would keep despite me being uncomfortable about it is a problem. If I am his chosen life partner, I should come above all others.

I suppose that's radical in today's world of "you can't control/own/boss me."

It's my boundary though. I look at it just like I phrased it. I am the ONE person he chose as a life partner. You don't even get to choose your family. As long as I have a healthy attitude about friends (and vice versa) it is a healthy M that respects dropping friends that make the other partner feel insecure or as if boundaries are being stretched. Why? Because this is the one relationship for each of us that is a choice and supposed to last for life.

I would have a problem with MrH talking to a female friend about the things your WH has talked about. Heck, I might even have a problem if it's a male friend but that's b/c xOw1's x'B'H and MrH used to talk about our sex life. Apparently the x'B'H would go home and talk to xOw1 about it and they hatched a plan to convince us to swap. When that fell though, xOw1 went after MrH. I guess it was greed he was the weak link.

So yeah- protect your M above all else and anyone who chooses not to cherish our M isn't cherishing me.

Finally- have you guys, him especially, read Not Just Friends?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11275 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
cosmicjoke
♀ Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is heading down the slippery slope an the next thing you know, he will saying 'It was an accident.. I just don't know HOW it happened....??!'
You & the MC are right on target to nip this in the bud NOW. Many people are perfectly capable of being friends with a co-w of the opposite sex, and keep it 100% platonic, even have lunch together (well, sometimes.. or with others.. but just 2 people together every day, not good..) and may even talk a little about life or rela troubles.. and they are perfectly fine, non-romantic and do not cross any boundaries.
BUT-- for people with a history of infid.. they have already proven what they are capable of (and what they NOT capable of.. i.e., having self-control..) and this is definitely not going to end good. ESP if there is ever any booze involved.

Posts: 234 | Registered: May 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is headed in to something bad. Discussing his dissatisfaction with your sex life is basically telling her, I'm horny IMO. Lunch every day...no fn way. Can you head it off at the pass by saying, it stops or I'm done. You can either do something now, hardcore or face it when its gone into a full blown A. He's got a toe in.the water, he's testing her.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5238 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
5Hurting5
♀ Member
Member # 44452
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I screwed the entire discussion up royally. He still doesn't get it. He's nice enough about his not understanding, but he seriously doesn't see why it's wrong. There's nothing romantic there, yada yada yada.

I had my talking points kind of worked out in my head along with the resolution I expected. And I made a muck of it.

Believe it or not, my WH is actually really honest. If asked a question, he answers honestly. Of course, if the question isn't asked and he can avoid saying something he thinks I won't like, that's the option he takes.

Anyway, I left it at, "Anything you share with her, you also share with me. No more emotionally distancing yourself. If it's important enough to tell a friend, it's important enough to bring home for discussion."

He's agreed. We'll see how this goes.


Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know...you don't have to be ok with this. You JUST had your dday. it is absolutely ok..and appropriate..to tell him no more female friends. he has proven he has shitty boundaries. He was just caught having an affair. he hasn't had time to shore up his boundaries..and it sounds like he isn't trying. You are his wife..this person makes you uncomfortable...AND the MC is backing you...and he still doesn't "understand?"


You told him he could continue this friendship, but you expect him to tell you everything they talk about. You are extending trust, when he has done nothing to prove he can be trusted. He hasn't had time yet, since dday just happened, of course. But this is not the way to earn that trust..this is playing with fire. he earns your trust by being open, honest, transparent, IC, answering your questions, and so many other things that will take time.

I think you need to tell him no more female friends...and if you aren't comfortable with that..then you need to stay on top of this friendship with this girl. And watch for red flags. Considering all the trauma that is caused from dday, you are dealing with a shit ton of emotions. Worrying about this girl shouldn't be one of them. he should remove anything that causes stress to your marriage right now..that he treasures this girl's friendship so much doesn't sit well.


ETA: Have you met this girl?

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:45 AM, August 22nd (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7898 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
5Hurting5
♀ Member
Member # 44452
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's a co-worker so I've met her at 1-3 company functions per year. He's invited her to join us at a handful of activities over the past few years and she's always declined.

Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2014
Keepcalm
♀ Member
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the same problem with my H. Co-worker seemed overly friendly, sending winky faces, etc. Husband said in MC that she is young and it is how young people text, it's no big deal. It bothered me so much, and he chose not to do anything about it, so I asked him to leave. He chose to stay and there are no more winky faces. I also make it a point to go to his office now a couple times a month for lunch. I want to be a fixture in his world, since that is where he found his A partner.


BS Me 57
WS Him 55
Married 30 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
I have no idea what is going on

Posts: 184 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
Keepcalm
♀ Member
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the same problem with my H. Co-worker seemed overly friendly, sending winky faces, etc. Husband said in MC that she is young and it is how young people text, it's no big deal. It bothered me so much, and he chose not to do anything about it, so I asked him to leave. He chose to stay and there are no more winky faces. I also make it a point to go to his office now a couple times a month for lunch. I want to be a fixture in his world, since that is where he found his A partner.


BS Me 57
WS Him 55
Married 30 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
I have no idea what is going on

Posts: 184 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yah here's the thing. You have expressed that you feel it's inappropriate, as has the counselor. It doesn't matter if he agrees or not, if he respects you, he would man up and end that nonsense.

Since he isn't, I am always of the belief that where there is smoke there is fire.....


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he (or will he) read "Not Just Friends?"


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26165 | Registered: Aug 2011
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't "you're hurting your [recently] betrayed wife' enough of a reason?

It should be and if it isn'tthen that's another red flag. R can't happen if the WS is still showing bad boundaries and selfish behavior. This is what leads to an A.

Take it from someone who has 20+yrs of trying to love someone who loved himself more, you need to start the 180 so you can learn to focus on yourself. Right now, only one of you is in the M. He's not innocent in this. A remorseful WH would end a friendship if it meant keeping it would keep his BW in pain. Even without the backing of the MC.

Which brings me to the next point. Consider quitting MC and just go to IC. Since your WH is still in the cheating mindset there's no point in wasting money on MC. Please don't lie to yourself about where your WH is. He may be paying lipservice to R and loving you but his actions scream otherwise.

All that said, the coworker is trouble, flags went up when you posted that she wouldn't come to events that included your WH's family.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 10:29 AM, August 22nd (Friday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11275 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So she has been invited to do things with both of you, and she always says no. So she is his friend, not yours. And not a friend of your marriage.

Im sorry, but Im going to be blunt. I believe he is, at the very least, involved in an EA with this girl. He spends a lot of time with her. He confides in her, and she confides in him. She knows he has shitty boundaries, and he has no problem cheating on you, because he told her so. Yet she still has no problem spending time, alone, with a married man..who cheated on his wife.

You need to shut this down. Now.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7898 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 21
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