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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: One step forward?
Ultramarine
♀ Member
Member # 44326
Sad  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, WH made the next step. He's talking. I don't know why but I thought it would get better after I knew the extent of his betrayal but it's not better. I am back to where I was two or three months ago, with an additional layer of heavy sadness. Of grief. I can't look at him without pain. I don't want to touch him.

How did I feel? I wanted to die. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to not be my controlled inexpressive self and instead, to scream and hit him and spit in his face. I kept imagining that I was behind a one-way glass. I slipped up a couple of times and asked extrapolating questions. It was very hard.

I also felt some relief that he was finally talking and that, judging by the fact that what he was saying was pretty messed up, he was honest.

There is so much more to his betrayal over the whole life of our marriage and even engagement, I can’t even begin to process it.

A day later, I am overwhelmed with pain and sadness. I find myself wishing for physical pain. If it wasn't for kids, I would be banging my head on walls.

I hate him for not walking out on me in March when he said he was ready to. I know now he was over his head in the 'fog' at that point but I wish he would have left then. Because now, the responsibility for the future of this family is on my shoulders.

I think he was expecting me to announce that we were divorcing after the disclosure night. He asked me if I would just be gone one day or if I would let him know first. I said I won't 'just leave' unless he adds more crap to the list we just put together.

I can't 'just leave'. Unlike WH, I don't put my happiness above all else and I won't forgive myself if my kids get hurt in this mess. I want so badly to protect them. From everything. Including WH. If he blows this last chance he has, he is not safe. This is the last one. I am all out of chances.


BS 33
WH 32
Three kids under 5.
Married 7 years.
DDay x 8/20/14
ONS 2007, PA1 2009, PA2 2014, sexting / pictures, many EAs through all 7 years.
In R, or rather, in limbo.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2014
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad he's finally giving you answers. It takes a long time for it to all sink in. Get expressive in the future. If he is remorseful, you need him to see and witness and support your hurt/pain/anger/grief/sadness. If he isn't, you need to decide what is safest for you.

I'm officially not making a decision about the status of my M for at least a year following DDay. I know I wouldn't have made the best decision on DDay itself, and a year seems long enough to build some perspective.

One of the things I hate about what WH did is that it put me in a position to either be the one who stayed, or the one who left, and either way I need to find a way to live with my choice.

Good luck wading through this hell. We'll all be here with you.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 572 | Registered: May 2014
Amazingyetlost
♀ Member
Member # 43745
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Ultramarine))))))

This is still so raw for you -- DDay so recent --- and getting the disclosure just now is just another stage in the finding out. That you wanted to scream and hit and spit -- you are a better woman than I am, because I went with all of those feelings.

I kept imagining that I was behind a one-way glass.

oh yes: the thing I struggled with was the idea that two people had been making a fool of me, "mushrooming" me ( in the dark and fed BS). That is a very very hard one to stomach. Again, I really admire you for those parts of your story where you talk about the control and courage you have shown.

He asked me if I would just be gone one day or if I would let him know first. I said I won't 'just leave' unless he adds more crap to the list we just put together.

It is hard to say this but it may be true: there will be more. Its something that you have to expect. Even if it is just about fine tuning the details. But if you have this information it will help in your own processing, so go with the courage you have shown and be open to those details.

You have said that you just won't leave, because you feel that you are the protector of the family. But you also said he is all out of chances. This is going to be the hardest thing for you because you will be challenged by fully knowing. But take heart in the fact that he is coming out of the fog and approaching these confessions. Have your antenna fine tuned to BS, but hear him -- because you are the stronger person in the relationship, you will survive this but you are right, you are the one who is in control to assess your situation. So many others on SI suggest that no matter the pain and grief, important decisions might be better left until later.

You need someone to support you, and the best you could do right now is have IC. I was amazed by my pure dumb luck in drawing a counselor out of the Employee Assistance Program at work, who was so powerful and helpful -- and who herself had been a BS. She gave me perspective but also reminded me of all the things I had to appreciate and to do for myself.

And your WH needs to get his own IC, and it would be so good for him to be here where the other WS can give him feedback. That Wayward Forum is just the most incredible place; the people there are those who get it, who are doing the work, who call BS on those who are TTing and rugsweeping, and who give positive reinforcement to all others who are working hard. My WS has just joined SI and that was probably the thing that has given me a spark of hope.

But again, I and all the other BS here know so well exactly the pain and grief and doubt you have. We all are here for you now and throughout your journey with this.


ME: 58 BW
HIM: 57 EA & PA, ten months (madboomer)
Married: December 24th, 2013; Together: 4 years
D/Day: June 3rd 2014 (karma allowed that it happened on OW birthday); NC June 4th 2014
"Once in a while you get shown the light..."

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jun 2014
Ultramarine
♀ Member
Member # 44326
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get expressive in the future. If he is remorseful, you need him to see and witness and support your hurt/pain/anger/grief/sadness. If he isn't, you need to decide what is safest for you.

Yes...I know I need to express more. It is part of my own messupedness that I'm working on in IC and otherwise. I'm expressive alright when nobody is watching...after we were done talking that night, I went to take another shower. When there, I collapsed on the floor and soon, began sobbing...my self-control broke. I didn't bother to keep it quiet. WH came in to hold me as I cried. I guess it was better than him not doing it. I wondered how he learned this comforting stuff. I never did.

I'm officially not making a decision about the status of my M for at least a year following DDay. I know I wouldn't have made the best decision on DDay itself, and a year seems long enough to build some perspective.

I think this is wise. WH keeps asking me if I made my decision yet but I'm not ready for it. Maybe giving it an official timeline would help.

One of the things I hate about what WH did is that it put me in a position to either be the one who stayed, or the one who left, and either way I need to find a way to live with my choice.

Yes...this is exactly what I'm talking about. I am forced to be the adult.


BS 33
WH 32
Three kids under 5.
Married 7 years.
DDay x 8/20/14
ONS 2007, PA1 2009, PA2 2014, sexting / pictures, many EAs through all 7 years.
In R, or rather, in limbo.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2014
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being forced to be the adult is crap, and so many of us are the ones who have to shoulder that.

Once I asked FWH exactly how awful I would have to be before he left and he said that he would never leave. Granted this was post-A, but he thought it was an exit-A and still didn't leave.

There was some quote in Mad Men about some people waiting for your open declaration of hate instead of ever breaking up. It's so rough when that's the case. I hope that your WH's move to start talking is the beginning of more openness and clarity.

Either way, know that if you choose to end the M, your kids still stand an excellent change of finding balance and feeling love. Families come in all shapes and sizes.

(((Ultramarine)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17810 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Ultramarine
♀ Member
Member # 44326
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your kind words, Amazingyetlost. Glad someone admires me, I find it hard to do it.

It is hard to say this but it may be true: there will be more. Its something that you have to expect. Even if it is just about fine tuning the details. But if you have this information it will help in your own processing, so go with the courage you have shown and be open to those details.

I have accepted that there will be more. Even at the most recent dday, he first said he "didn't remember" what happened when his ex-girlfriend appeared in his bed during our first year of marriage while I was away for school. Twenty minutes later, he "remembered" that she gave him a blowjob. And he doesn't "remember" what happened after that.

So...It sucks, but intellectually, I understand that if someone has been lying and sneaking around for so long, they will not become a born-again honest person in one day. It's a gradual process.

What I meant about him adding to the list is the future. I may be able to deal with the past, but I will leave if he can't keep it in the past.

You need someone to support you, and the best you could do right now is have IC.

I am seeing an IC, also through EAP. He's ok though I will be looking for a new one soon. He is very pessimistic about my M situation and asked me if I was still married at the last session.

And your WH needs to get his own IC, and it would be so good for him to be here where the other WS can give him feedback.

He saw his EAP counselor for six sessions and I thought it was very helpful. He stopped once the EAP ran out but I definitely think he needs to start again. Maybe an addiction specialist. His last IC suggested that he may have an addiction (I agree) and he needs help overcoming that.
I don't think he's ready for the wayward forum yet. That would require sharing the dark side of himself with other people, and he is still keeping it close to his heart.

[This message edited by Ultramarine at 3:24 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]


BS 33
WH 32
Three kids under 5.
Married 7 years.
DDay x 8/20/14
ONS 2007, PA1 2009, PA2 2014, sexting / pictures, many EAs through all 7 years.
In R, or rather, in limbo.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2014
Ultramarine
♀ Member
Member # 44326
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once I asked FWH exactly how awful I would have to be before he left and he said that he would never leave. Granted this was post-A, but he thought it was an exit-A and still didn't leave.

It seems like my WH also thought his last A was an exit-A. Him being a complete jerk and talking about divorcing me because I am such a horrible wife is what brought on my re-evaluation of our whole marriage, this most recent crisis and D-Day.


BS 33
WH 32
Three kids under 5.
Married 7 years.
DDay x 8/20/14
ONS 2007, PA1 2009, PA2 2014, sexting / pictures, many EAs through all 7 years.
In R, or rather, in limbo.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2014
Topic Posts: 7

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