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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Fear of Abandonment
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It just clicked for me why the A and the time that the A was going on (before I knew about it) I was so pained by my WH actions.

My dad walked out on my mom, brother and I when I was in 6th grade and I never understood why really. He had been a stay at home dad (injured so out of work) and was very close to my brother and I. To have him just disappear was complete devastation. It turned from spending so much time with him, to a phone call on holidays. He had moved across the country. When I entered 9th grade he moved back to town, only to disappear again when I was 20. We have a very strained relationship now that pretty much consists of keeping up with each other on Facebook. :/

I just realized that during the time of my WH A...I was feeling completely abandoned by him emotionally. By choosing the A, he did abandon me. That is a hard pill to swallow especially with him knowing that is my greatest fear I carry with me. He was in such a selfish place at the time. He does realize that his actions were abandonment, and he has been very remorseful since DDay when he snapped out of the fog. It just makes me sad that the person I trusted my heart with, gave every part of me to, could do that to me. I am pretty sad today.

I wrote a few days ago about the similarities between him and my dad, but the one thing that is different is my dad has always kept running when things got uncomfortable. It took my WH doing a really shitty selfish thing, to realize that he can't (and doesn't want to) run anymore. It will take me a long time to believe this, but I love him and I am hopeful that if he really wants this, and wants to change, he can become a better man and a healthier husband for me. He's got a lot of work to do to get to that point, but I see him trying. I know I can't fix him, so I am trying to focus on me and my healing. I start my first IC session next week and I am really looking forward to it. Thanks for reading my little post, just wanted to get some thoughts off my chest.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2014
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are feeling sad. I also have struggled with the feeling of being abandoned. In my case I had a great childhood (poor parents, but good overall). My first incidence of being abandoned was when he dumped me in HS and told my friend rather than me- that one I got over quick cause you always bounce back faster the first time! The second was when we were engaged- I also bounced back from that one once we got back together and were married- looking back I think I rug swept it all. The third time he abandoned me he announced about 7 years into the marriage he wanted out, moved out, and walked away just like that.... only he wanted back in just two weeks later when his life wasn't what he thought it would be (I guess).... we never really talked about that... but I know inside I was left with serious fears of being left (Ya think????).... and then almost 5 years ago was his last EA.

So fears are completely natural to have. I still have this deep seated fear that he will do this again someday... how could I not based on his past behavior?

And yet..... I know that if he should walk away in the future I somehow would be ok. You would be too- because of the things we have all been through. We are so much stronger than we want to give ourselves credit for....

I can say one thing..... while I have this fear I will not let it rule me!!! It is not allowed to take over my life or it could destroy me. I have things in place to ensure should he walk again I would be ok... I have a good paying job, our house is financially stable, I have cc's in my name only (though I don't run them up due to this fear of someday not having the money to pay them), I am comfortable in my own skin and know I would be alright once I conquer that initial fear.

The hardest part for those of us who have been abandoned it realizing it could happen again... out of the blue.... because this last time (and some of the others like when engaged) 'I' thought we were blissfully happy and things were great- obviously he thought otherwise- or he wouldn't have walked away.... the fear keeps me today from maybe investing 100% as I had in the past...... and that hurts me- the fear that I am holding back some because of what he could do to me in the future.

It is truly sad that our pasts influence our today's and our future so much... I often wish I had a magic eraser that could wipe out those memories so my brain and heart could move on easier.... we can only focus on us and get ourselves to a healthier place.


Posts: 1186 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have this and in my quest to clean out every closet in my head, I have to really get after it at IC - my Dad abandoned us when I was 10. And he was the nurturer in the family. I also felt pretty abandoned by my critical mother. And of course, I abandoned myself when I had an affair and felt really abandoned when my husband had his. Even though we're still together. I feel.... left, at least for a while there.

It's not logical. I can take care of myself now. But, I guess that fear is deep-seeded. I wonder now if its the being wanted thing.

There are books out there but they didn't seem to help.

[This message edited by rachelc at 1:46 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5494 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wanttogoforward - thanks. I do feel much stronger this time around, than I did as a kid when my dad left. I feel stronger because I can look back at my dad, and know that he was a broken man. I can look at my WH the same way. I know he never intended to "abandon" me intentionally because he knows its my biggest fear, and frankly the A had nothing to do with me, it was all about him. Knowing that does help a little, because I feel I can be more objective about my feelings towards it, it's still sad to realize that the one person who I trusted most with those fears, ended up creating a reality from them.

rachelc - I do hope that in IC I can work out these fears. I do feel like deep down it's a feeling of being unwanted. I have low self esteem because of this, these feelings from my dad leaving when I was so close to him. Like I wasn't wanted. My WH keeps reminding me how much he wants me, how special and valuable I am and that he was an idiot for getting so absorbed in his own pain that he forgot to take care of me. I think he has been a bit CoD in our relationship because he has really always put me first and my happiness, and never focused on making himself feel better which led to a downward spiral for him too. I don't want my fears of abandonment to rule me forever. I want to feel confident enough in myself to know that WH wasn't abandoning me because of something I did wrong, it was because of something deeply wrong within himself that he is working hard to heal.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2014
Arden
♀ Member
Member # 44285
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have sensed a lot of similarity to you when I read your posts. This seems to tie much of it together. My dad also left, but when I was in 7th grade. He had affairs for at least a year or two, and when my mom found out, he basically left and married the OW. He also moved out of state, a couple years later, and we have had a strange relationship since. I'm living in the same town as him now (I followed him here after high school many years ago, and this is where I met WBF), but we mostly keep up through facebook. I think that these events somehow distorted my vision and impaired my emotional growth during a crucial time.
The abandonment does seem to have many connections to our current situation, but I am still in the process of figuring it all out. Fear of abandonment does seem to make the pain greater, and increase the tolerance of bad behavior, but it also seems, in some sense, as if I have already gone through this process of forgiveness and that it has increased my capacity for empathy. At the same time, I need to recognize that my WBF is not my dad, their issues and processes are not the same.
I frequently tell myself not to make any decisions out of fear, but it is hard to quell the feelings of being unwanted and rejected, which lead to poor self esteem. I think that the same things we tell ourselves now, that it isn't our fault, that some people have issues we can't control, are things we need to apply to our situation when we were children. It is hard to have a clear understanding of this when you are so young.
My WBF also seems to have a tendency toward CoD behavior, but I am frequently told by our MC that I do as well. I have a difficult time understanding how this dynamic works in a relationship.
As a side note, I think it is great that you are using this opportunity to address issues you have been struggling with for so long. We may pay a great price for our WS's actions, but that does not mean we can not gain something in return.


Me - BGF 30
Him - WBF 31
Together 7 years
Dday 7/21/13 ("Mostly" EA)
Got TT, but both trying to R

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United States
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written this one myself - Dad left for another woman (who hated the fact he had kids and treated us pretty badly and he let himself be totally cut off for years from us to keep the peace with her). I remember being 12 and writing letters that never got answered and then he came back into my life around the time I was graduating wanting to attend!!! It made me into a very independent person - too much so - I survived that and my mum's death shortly after he left which, qlthough not at all her fault (cancer) also felt like a kind of abandonment. My H knew this and yet he went ahead and emotionally and physically checked out just as we started our own family that was so very important to me. I know he regrets it but I'm just not sure I want to live with the insecurity that haunts our relationship now. I never had depended and relied on someone untl hi,m and I let my guard down to him and he betrayed everything. I wonder if I stay because I fear being alone again - I feel very alone some days despite having very good friends and a younger sibling - and I think it is a hangover from before and the fact I don't open up about my feelings very often. People think I am super strong person because that is what I come across as - but I am deeply insecure, sad and would love to have someone take care of me for once. It sounds pitiful but I may walk away just because I need to know I have someone who has my back and who loves me deeply to the point of avoiding putting yet more pain in my life. I am also so very angry I have to deal with this when I thought life had turned out for me well...feel like I deluded myself and can't trust my own instincts...

Posts: 260 | Registered: Sep 2013
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arden - wouldn't it be weird if we were twins or something? JK Anyway...wow. You struck me with this statement:

it also seems, in some sense, as if I have already gone through this process of forgiveness and that it has increased my capacity for empathy. At the same time, I need to recognize that my WBF is not my dad, their issues and processes are not the same.

I keep comparing him to my dad, but I keep coming back to this realization that my dad never admitted fault or blame for anything. Never appologized for being absent in my life, never could admit to my mom when he was wrong in an argument. It does strike some similarities with WH...but the thing I am learning about WH (now that he is finally cracking open and letting me know his inner deepest fears, desires etc) is that WH is CHOOSING not to run away anymore. He is making a step towards change. His outlook on everything is shifting. He never believed in himself and now he does more and more day by day. An example, one of WH biggest anxieties was his job. He worked there 7 years while trying to attend school full time. It was a dead end job and he was treated like shit but he stayed because we needed the money. I found a job posting for a job in his field (Sports/Athletic Training) of study, and at first he didn't even apply because he just didn't believe in himself. SOmething sparked him to apply right before DDay and he got the job, and comes home in such a positive mood everyday (despite what we are going through). I am so happy for him in this regard.

So anyway, sorry for the tangent. He is wanting to change and become a better man (unlike dad) and is carrying the weight of the A, and holding me up and supporting me in a way I never knew he was capable of. It makes me wonder where this was these last several months, but in a way I am glad he had this wake up call because it means we have a chance of having the M we both have always dreamed of. (Not saying I am thankful for the A at all, he could have had this realization any number of ways).

I have been asking myself how is it that I am so strong, when basically my biggest fear (abandonment) was realized by WH. You're right I think. I have already found forgiveness for my dad because I know in my heart he didn't do it intentionally to hurt me... I think it does help me to be more empathetic to WH in this situation.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2014
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((notanavrageangel)))

Age 12...Dad abandoned us too. (affair and financial issues). Your post resonates with me.

Age 22 I flew out to the east coast with my then GF now wife to visit him.

His first words when we were alone?

"What do you want from me?"

My answer then....."Just to get to know you."

I struggled with my hurt for decades...my wife soooo tired of hearing about it. I was spinning in circles.

About 1 year post-DD....in IC....I had this revelation.

The answer to my Dads question was NOT "Just to get to know you."......the real question was.......


"Why did you not want to know me? Why did you not want me?"


30 years.....this was buried 30 years. I knew something was not well within me....but I did not get to the heart of it for 30 years! No wonder I was spinning in circles.


Sadly, my wife and your husband could not have chosen a more painful way to hurt us then they did. Yes, I know neither intentionally did this...but it was a real consequence.

Gently....you will most likely find as I have. The pain of our spouses betrayal rolls quickly back and attaches itself to the betrayal we felt as that young child. You can't tease them apart...must heal the whole enchilada.

It CAN be done.

It requires much work and facing the inner hurting child that you have most likely spent a lifetime appeasing via coping mechs or ignoring all together.

I have added you to my SI specific prayer list.

You are not alone...this is not a small thing. Don't minimize.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:16 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh...and those similarities in ourselves and each others with our parents and that of the other? Shocking, isn't it?

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
notanavrageangel
♀ Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blakesteele - Thank you for your post! I start IC on Wednesday, and asside from dealing with my issues after the A, I plan to tackle the abandonment feelings from my dad as well. It is going to be raw and emotional, but needed.

My WH has wanted me to get into IC for a few years because of these feelings I have regarding my dad, and it's sad that it has taken this A to really get me in there. I need to get myself as healthy as possible, so I can contribute on my side to a healthy marriage. If WH can meet me there, and get himself healthy, I think we have a fighting chance. I am looking forward to healing myself and moving through this pain I have carried most of my life. (((hugs)))


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2014
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome!

Keep VERY aware that any of the struggles you had in your pre-A M are ABSOLUTELY NOT a contributing factor for your husbands choices to have an affair.

I struggled to keep this in mind....IC was an absolute must. You could have been the most wacked out, depressed, angry person in the world....and he had plenty of other options before choosing as he did.

Having said that......dang how I wished one of us would have had the insight, courage, forethought, whatever to REALLY break out of our respective "orbits" before adultery was incorporated!

Keep posting......while this abandonment issue is uber painful, it will NOT kill you. And that is what 12 year old Blakesteele believed...so he did the only other thing his little mind could reason--he denied he was in any pain because of it. Boyishly thinking "Yeah, I'm in pain...but don't want to look at it. I can live with this "little bit of pain" but if I slow down and REALLY look at it, I will have to accept it....I will die." (at least thats my story)

You WILL be healed.

Keep the faith.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:41 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 11

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