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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Post divorce stereotypes
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm heavy and if you were to reply that you prefer a woman at a healthy weight, I wouldn't be offended. I'd prefer me at a healthy weight too Now if you said "I don't date fat chicks", that would probably sting a little. Stating that you're further along in the separation/divorce process doesn't seem offensive to me. I'm glad you pointed that out and I'll have to give that further thought.

Something to think about. With this divorce lawyer, it was what she said along with the not wanting recently-divorced dates that made me feel ugh. The implication that she knew better than I did whether I should be out there. She also mentioned that she had a bad experience, so she could have been talking solely about that. But her tone went immediately from nice to mean when I answered that question, so I think the ugh was warranted. It felt like a lecture rather than her stating her preferences.

Women aren't usually as persistent with the first contact messages. I remember one - her pictures did indicate very, very overweight and the summary indicated no college degree, which was my only deal-breaker when it came to starting contact. I ignored the first contact. A couple of weeks later, a short second message: "it's because I'm fat - you men are all so shallow." So I read her full profile - she stated right up top that she was looking for something I'm definitely not (a good Christian man). I replied saying, "no, we all have flaws, but you obviously didn't read my profile because you write that this is very important to you and I'm not Christian." This prompted a several-page reply that it really wasn't all that important to her. I felt bad about ignoring this response, because I think she really wanted friends more than anything. But the response was also rambling and filled with typos, and I'm honestly not a very nice guy.

I've only had one separated man send me a message, and I replied that I feel uncomfortable dating someone who wasn't legally divorced.

I had a couple of these, and it's hard to feel ugh over that kind of response, because it's about how you feel, not a lecture about how he should feel. Especially when there are so many men out there who may be (or may not be) separated, but are still very much trying to save marriages or just trying to cheat.

Even when you've been separated a while and are ready for the divorce and you're emotionally available for new dating, there's sometimes drama. Right before my divorce was final, there was a flurry of negotiations and angry emails and financial stress. I was dating someone at the time, and I tried not to tell her about all of it, but she could tell I was frustrated with my about-to-be-ex, and didn't like it.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1869 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even when you've been separated a while and are ready for the divorce and you're emotionally available for new dating, there's sometimes drama. Right before my divorce was final, there was a flurry of negotiations and angry emails and financial stress. I was dating someone at the time, and I tried not to tell her about all of it, but she could tell I was frustrated with my about-to-be-ex, and didn't like it.

This is what I try to avoid when dating guys that are fairly fresh out of marriages or relationships.

There will always be some drama with an ex if you are parents, but I "get" that stress because that is where I am in life. But the adjusting to being single, the first holidays alone, the first dating and that fear and getting your dating "legs" back? No thanks.

Plus, yes, it is the getting burned by guys who "appear" ready to date, but when it boils down...they aren't. I dated several of those guys and it got old fast.

I think it makes me more protective of my own heart, not judgmental of others.

As my IC says, I'm looking for a guy who is "fully assembled, batteries included."

[This message edited by cmego at 8:41 AM, August 24th (Sunday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4136 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
716dayslost
♂ Member
Member # 11536
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thank you all for the warnings and insight.
To think I was downright angry about it is simply not true.
I was surprised by a norm that I did not know existed. My question is, if it is a deal breaker, that should be the first question asked. Also if I truly am not fit for duty, would that be obvious that I was not ready without even asking when my D was?
People are free to date who they wish and have their own parameters, but they should be upfront about them.
I will consult this matter with my counselor (who has encouraged me to date).


You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: New York
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plus, yes, it is the getting burned by guys who "appear" ready to date, but when it boils down...they aren't. I dated several of those guys and it got old fast.

We avoid whatever burned us in the past. I've met many women who weren't ready to date. Some of them were many years removed from divorce or serious relationships.

As I write frequently, there is no substitute for the hard work every one of us needs to do to make appropriate dating choices.

I wasn't the right partner for the woman I was dating at that time. She wasn't the right partner for me. I broke up with her after 2-3 months for several reasons - none of which had anything to do with the divorce or my ex. I liked her a lot. Out of everyone I've dated, her lifestyle is the closest to mine. But it wouldn't have worked - at any time. Those 2-3 months weren't wasted.

My question is, if it is a deal breaker, that should be the first question asked. Also if I truly am not fit for duty, would that be obvious that I was not ready without even asking when my D was?
People are free to date who they wish and have their own parameters, but they should be upfront about them.

People aren't computers. And people rarely tell the truth when breaking up with someone or deciding not to date.

If you can't handle the occasional frustration with a missed connection, that's a good motivation for taking some time away from dating.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1869 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And people rarely tell the truth when breaking up with someone or deciding not to date.

Very true. I started to say something similar in my original response, which I wound up deleting because the comment was way too long already!

In general, I try to stay pretty generic and not JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) when telling someone that I don't want to see them again (Sorry that we weren't a match, etc.,) but sometimes I'm a bit chattier (especially in the beginning when I was learning to date), or the guy just keeps on asking questions.

I know humans want answers -- we want to make sense of our world. They want to know why (see how often that "why" question is posted here, when it really doesn't matter and often just makes the hurt worse/prolongs the hurt...)

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I rarely give the actual answer, but something that I can point to -- something that I'd overlook if I had felt a match.

For example, I spent a month or so dating a guy who would lecture me about different topics. He knew he did this, and apologized about it, but kept doing it. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. Once (I timed it), he spent 22 minutes lecturing me about the selection process for the NCAA basketball tournament -- a topic I actually know more about than he does.

I couldn't stand it any longer!!! When I broke things off, and he asked for a reason, I cited his 2nd shift work schedule 6 days a week. Something that is plausible, as something that would make starting a relationship with him more challenging since we'd hardly get to see each other, but something that I would have at least tried to work through had he not lectured me all the time.

So it's entirely possible that the ladies mentioned in the OP were using length of time since divorce as a kinder way to answer why they didn't want to try anything further. Personally, I try to look at each one of these experiences as one more step to finding the right guy for me!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3349 | Registered: Dec 2011
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