Have others encountered this?
Have others encountered this?
I have not encountered it but I am guilty of doing it to others.
How long have you been talking with them before they made this judgement?
I was online chatting with a guy who was very newly out of his D. You could just tell he wasn't ready yet. He was suffering from just being lonely and missing the marriage. I told him that and backed away.
We started chatting again about 1.5 years later and I could just hear the difference.
He said I was right that he still needed to heal, even though he couldn't see it when I said it.
It could be as simple as these woman are projecting from their own experiences (been the counselor or rebound) or it could be they are actually picking up something from you that makes them feel you are not ready (even if you 1005 feel you are).
Edited - from my side, I did not find this. I actually told a guy that I felt it was too soon and he would be my rebound. His response...."OK - please use and abuse me for your rebound"
[This message edited by EvenKeel at 12:25 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]
I just want women to give me a chance and judge me for me, no based on other guys or stereotypes.
I do not want a rebound myself, but if I was someone's rebound I would be ok with that. As long as I was aware that is what it was.
What people do not realize is that I went through trauma with WW first affair 10 years ago. I think this was all just a refresher course for me, and I have healed faster.
I haven't encountered what you have, but I totally get this. I healed faster post-divorce because I had detached from the M and dealt with the harsh reality of infidelity years ago. The D was simply the legal end. The emotional end was a long time ago.
It sounds kinda like those women are in a BTDT situation so they are speaking from bad previous experience, and are afraid you will be the same situation for them and they don't want a repeat. Self preservation. You just need to find someone that isn't in that same mind set. My BF knows my D timeline, and is fine with it and my emotional readiness to be in another relationship, regardless of that timeline.
Hang in there. It will get better!
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
As it turned out, she was a divorce attorney, and I met one of her clients randomly through a Meetup group. Her client and I became friends, and she wanted to date, but I thought she had too many issues going from her divorce - which had been final for years. The cycle continues.
Yes, that perception exists. I think it's meaningless. Some people have processed their divorce by the time it's final, some people haven't years later.
There's no substitute for the work you need to do on yourself and in understanding who it is you want to date.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Have others encountered this?
The thing that does irk me are the women that assume I cheated and caused the divorce. Some come right out and say things like, "I bet you cheated" or "what did you do wrong?" They usually have some unresolved issues. When I tell them I didn't get along with her boyfriends they look shocked like it's impossible for a faithful man to exist.
Don't sweat it 716days. Being divorced and having kids does remove you from some people's dating pool. However there are plenty of people out there that don't have an issue with divorced men.
Personally I find that my shit is more together than many of the single people I have met. Coming out the other side of infidelity and being okay gave me a different perspective on things.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:46 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]
t/j my own best friend thought I must have had an A to predicate the D. It is another assumption that is laid on men, that we must be the unfaithful ones.
Women have it too when people think they were not pleasing enough or something.
Or any BS with kids are sometimes shunned.
sigh, notions that may have no basis in reality but still must be overcome.
I know couples who have gotten together and stayed together while one was separated and not yet divorced, but my experience was awful. I don't think I'd ever try to date a separated person in the future, but I never say never.
Keep trying and keep in tune with yourself. If you find that you're constantly rejected, you may just be giving off vibes that you're not ready.
I dated before I was ready, at about 4 months post D-Day because my IC said I was ready (she was wrong.) After one date, I worked on myself for 5 months, declared myself healed, and started dating. I was not healed. I hurt at least three pretty good guys and eliminated others from my future dating pool. (I used to say I was lucky and didn't hurt anyone, but I recently was reviewing old texts while deleting them from my phone and realized I'd fooled myself about that, too.)
I took another 6 months off and, finally, at about 14 months post-divorce and 19 months post D-Day, was actually healed enough to date. Unfortunately, the first guy I dated and liked was not healed from his previous relationship and I got hurt.
I've done a ton of reading on brain chemistry, human behavior, etc., and while there are a lot of people who think they are exceptions to not needing time to heal, there are not that many people in real life (unless they have a personality disorder or mental health issue.)
I don't have any hard and fast rules, with the exception of not dating people who are still officially married, but it seems like it takes at least a year of being alone to heal for most people. Going through each of the seasons, holidays, triggers, etc. Most people don't wait that long, and I believe that's part of the reason why there are so many unhappy relationships out there, and why so many subsequent marriages fail. (Research shows that only about 30% of marriages can be considered happy.)
My guess is that in a year, you'll be so much more healed and understand why these ladies didn't want to take unnecessary risk on someone who still needed time. We see it all the time in NB when people say we're ridiculous for telling them to spend time alone, and then they come back later and say we were right. I know it sucks. I've been there. We all want a fast forward button. (Or a rewind button. Would love to make a different decision re: marriage to a sociopath!)
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
I don't set a timeline for when I'm willing to date the person though. If the guy has been divorced for 3 months but already dated someone else since then, then I'll give it a chance. I just don't want to be the first girl he's dating. If I'm the first girl post breakup, I prefer it to be at least 6 months.
My reasoning is that I want to date a guy who is happy being alone, and then I just want to add to their life. I don't want to be the sole reason for their happiness, and I don't want to try to fill a gap in their life.
I realize every situation is different. If it was someone I met in real life and knew more of the circumstances, I might give it a chance. But if it's someone on OLD, I'm more wary.
I recently had a good guy send me a message on OLD, but he was currently separated. I told him that he seemed interesting, but that I don't date men who aren't legally divorced. He responded that it made him more attracted to me, and that he would send me a message in a few months when he's divorced.
I just feel like separated men and men recently divorced are a higher risk. And I know that I'm in a much better place now than I was shortly after my breakup. Even though I was convinced back then that I was 100% ready to date.
However I met my SO when he was 5 months post D. We broke up 6 months later because we both realized he wasn't ready. Six months later we started seeing each other again and it's been going well for almost a year now.
I respect the two ladies concern for their boundaries.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
So these women may be acting from experience. People are going to judge you for a lot of reasons. I used to be prejudiced against divorced people until I became divorced.
Then when I started dating, I checked out every guy I dated online to make sure he was actually divorced and didn't have any criminal convictions. Once burned, twice shy.
Hang in there, when it's right it will all fall into place.
I won't comment on whether you are ready to date or not, because I have no idea. I will, however, gently point out that feeling judged by someone else's preferences might be something you want to explore a bit.
"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
I really only like men that are a few years out post D and have had at least one or two relationships under their belt. That is where I am in my healing, and I want an equal...not someone I have to play therapist too.
The best advice I can offer is to look for someone on a similar healing timeline, you are both more open to each other because you "get" where you are.
I will say, when I was on OLD, the amount of pissed off men that were separated is scary. In my state it is a 1 year wait if you have minor children. When I politely declined and stated, "I don't date separated guys...I'm further along in my life and looking for someone similar..." they would get defensive, and some angry.
As someone who responded to maybe 10% of the women who contacted me, what if she sent a picture and I said, "I don't date heavy women... I'm at a healthy weight and I prefer to date women who are further along in their quest for health."
That is very judge-y. It may be true, but I think we need to be careful to be polite to people who contact us in the search for a mate (or completely silent).
You need the skill to say "no thanks" without trying to convince that person as to the reason. They're not going to agree with you anyway, ready or not. It's going to sound like an accusation.
When that divorce lawyer told me she didn't date newly-divorced men, the accompanying justification didn't seem nice. It sounded angry. So I just kept quiet and let it go.
I think it's hard to say "I don't date X..." and not make some comment like "I'm further along than you, so suck it." Probably better to just say "no thanks" and let it go.
You're downright ANGRY they didn't give you a chance.
They owe you nothing. Any woman out there owes you nothing. It is entirely their choice to pursue something romantic with you. Just as it is entirely your choice to pursue something romantically with them.
Move on. Find another. There ARE others out there.
Remarried to a supremely wonderful person!
I'm not going to put any timeline on when I might start looking again, but right now I just can't see myself doing anything about that until well into next year. I have too much going on in the aftermath of Dday to even contemplate getting into something and I don't see that changing for quite some time. In fact, any sort of relationship would almost be inconvenient at this stage. It certainly wouldn't be fair to the other person as there's too much that I need to do for myself at the moment - I wouldn't be much of a BF to anybody.
Life being what it is, I'm sure that there'll come a point when I'll feel like looking. Just won't be for a good while yet.
Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.