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User Topic: Post divorce stereotypes
716dayslost
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Member # 11536
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems each stage of the betrayal-discovery-reconciliation-dday again-separation-divorce-and now single life, has its own special kick in the head for BS.
Here is what I mean. I have been divorced 6 months now. I am ready to date, to seek female companionship, friendship. I have had two women now who think I am great, etc. but cannot date me because I am newly divorced. One said she did not want to be my therapist, the other said I would be a rebound and does not want that. WTF? This came right after they asked my divorce date.
It is like the inner discrimination within a discriminated group. It is like I am a wine too fresh to drink, put me back to let me age.
Why am I getting unfairly judged or criticized simply because they think I might still have M hangover. Judge me for what I say, what I do and how I act, not some perceieved sterotype that I must be such a train wreck post D that I am untouchable.

Have others encountered this?


You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: New York
EvenKeel
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Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have others encountered this?

I have not encountered it but I am guilty of doing it to others.

How long have you been talking with them before they made this judgement?

I was online chatting with a guy who was very newly out of his D. You could just tell he wasn't ready yet. He was suffering from just being lonely and missing the marriage. I told him that and backed away.

We started chatting again about 1.5 years later and I could just hear the difference.

He said I was right that he still needed to heal, even though he couldn't see it when I said it.

It could be as simple as these woman are projecting from their own experiences (been the counselor or rebound) or it could be they are actually picking up something from you that makes them feel you are not ready (even if you 1005 feel you are).

Edited - from my side, I did not find this. I actually told a guy that I felt it was too soon and he would be my rebound. His response...."OK - please use and abuse me for your rebound"

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 12:25 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2100 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
716dayslost
♂ Member
Member # 11536
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. It is not from what I am saying as I am making connections that way. I was getting great feedback and positive signals. Then they both had asked about the divorce, specificly when. I replied February and their tone changed.
No one told me there was a mandatory waiting period. What do we have to go into a holding pen until we are safe to be released to the genereal population?
What people do not realize is that I went through trauma with WW first affair 10 years ago. I think this was all just a refresher course for me, and I have healed faster. I will always be a work in progress, but I feel I have a lot to offer right now. And another thing, I do not feel I "need" a relationship.

I just want women to give me a chance and judge me for me, no based on other guys or stereotypes.

I do not want a rebound myself, but if I was someone's rebound I would be ok with that. As long as I was aware that is what it was.


You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: New York
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What people do not realize is that I went through trauma with WW first affair 10 years ago. I think this was all just a refresher course for me, and I have healed faster.

I haven't encountered what you have, but I totally get this. I healed faster post-divorce because I had detached from the M and dealt with the harsh reality of infidelity years ago. The D was simply the legal end. The emotional end was a long time ago.

It sounds kinda like those women are in a BTDT situation so they are speaking from bad previous experience, and are afraid you will be the same situation for them and they don't want a repeat. Self preservation. You just need to find someone that isn't in that same mind set. My BF knows my D timeline, and is fine with it and my emotional readiness to be in another relationship, regardless of that timeline.

Hang in there. It will get better!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Red Sox Nation
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Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made an online connection once, about two months after the divorce was final (which was almost a year after the separation). After a week of really good email, we went to the phone and were planning on meeting. Then she asked when the divorce was final, and she got kind of mean about it.

As it turned out, she was a divorce attorney, and I met one of her clients randomly through a Meetup group. Her client and I became friends, and she wanted to date, but I thought she had too many issues going from her divorce - which had been final for years. The cycle continues.

Yes, that perception exists. I think it's meaningless. Some people have processed their divorce by the time it's final, some people haven't years later.

There's no substitute for the work you need to do on yourself and in understanding who it is you want to date.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1869 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
No12turn2
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Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't take it personal. If you do not fall in that category, you are in the very small percentile and will be worth the wait anyway. There is the chance that you could be wrong, as well. Best not to find out in my opinion. These females are being careful and you have to respect that. Predictable is preventable.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
7yrsflushed
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Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have others encountered this?
You are not alone. I went through this and on occasion still do. It's happened so often that it's pretty funny to me now. I weed them out or give them a chance to decide fi they want to continue the conversation by bringing up the fact that I am divorced and a single Father to my 2 children within the first 5 minutes of conversation. If they have no interest then they can walk away. I don't have any hard feelings either way. I have no intentions of pleading my case. I just move on.

The thing that does irk me are the women that assume I cheated and caused the divorce. Some come right out and say things like, "I bet you cheated" or "what did you do wrong?" They usually have some unresolved issues. When I tell them I didn't get along with her boyfriends they look shocked like it's impossible for a faithful man to exist.

Don't sweat it 716days. Being divorced and having kids does remove you from some people's dating pool. However there are plenty of people out there that don't have an issue with divorced men.

Personally I find that my shit is more together than many of the single people I have met. Coming out the other side of infidelity and being okay gave me a different perspective on things.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:46 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
716dayslost
♂ Member
Member # 11536
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all
Ironically these are divorced women who make these judgements about a divorced man. I just did not know about it or expect it.
Ok, so what is the complete healing cycle of a divorced man? 1 yr, 2 yrs? 5 yrs? How many women will I have to date before the number is ok to be safe to date?
If the standard is that I need to be 2 yrs out, then am I safe? No, because women will also not want to be the first date post D or I will be labeled a rebound.
All I want to do is be taken at face value as who I am, not what I am. KWIM?

7yrs,
t/j my own best friend thought I must have had an A to predicate the D. It is another assumption that is laid on men, that we must be the unfaithful ones.
Women have it too when people think they were not pleasing enough or something.
Or any BS with kids are sometimes shunned.
sigh, notions that may have no basis in reality but still must be overcome.


You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: New York
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're probably meeting women who have been burned by after divorce relationships, not necessarily by divorce itself. You have to respect that they know what they want, and you're just not it. I'm sure you'll find someone interested in giving you a chance.

I know couples who have gotten together and stayed together while one was separated and not yet divorced, but my experience was awful. I don't think I'd ever try to date a separated person in the future, but I never say never.

Keep trying and keep in tune with yourself. If you find that you're constantly rejected, you may just be giving off vibes that you're not ready.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20154 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
phmh
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Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've posted this quite often before, but most people do date before they are ready. It's almost like there is a BS handbook, just like we joke there is a WS handbook.

I dated before I was ready, at about 4 months post D-Day because my IC said I was ready (she was wrong.) After one date, I worked on myself for 5 months, declared myself healed, and started dating. I was not healed. I hurt at least three pretty good guys and eliminated others from my future dating pool. (I used to say I was lucky and didn't hurt anyone, but I recently was reviewing old texts while deleting them from my phone and realized I'd fooled myself about that, too.)

I took another 6 months off and, finally, at about 14 months post-divorce and 19 months post D-Day, was actually healed enough to date. Unfortunately, the first guy I dated and liked was not healed from his previous relationship and I got hurt.

I've done a ton of reading on brain chemistry, human behavior, etc., and while there are a lot of people who think they are exceptions to not needing time to heal, there are not that many people in real life (unless they have a personality disorder or mental health issue.)

I don't have any hard and fast rules, with the exception of not dating people who are still officially married, but it seems like it takes at least a year of being alone to heal for most people. Going through each of the seasons, holidays, triggers, etc. Most people don't wait that long, and I believe that's part of the reason why there are so many unhappy relationships out there, and why so many subsequent marriages fail. (Research shows that only about 30% of marriages can be considered happy.)

My guess is that in a year, you'll be so much more healed and understand why these ladies didn't want to take unnecessary risk on someone who still needed time. We see it all the time in NB when people say we're ridiculous for telling them to spend time alone, and then they come back later and say we were right. I know it sucks. I've been there. We all want a fast forward button. (Or a rewind button. Would love to make a different decision re: marriage to a sociopath!)


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3354 | Registered: Dec 2011
Lonelygirl10
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Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally will not date someone who is either recently out of a serious relationship or recently divorced. I think that people aren't ready to date as soon as they think they are, and I think that the first person they date post breakup ends up being compared to their ex. This is especially true if the breakup was not their decision. I usually prefer to be the second girl that a guy dates post breakup.

I don't set a timeline for when I'm willing to date the person though. If the guy has been divorced for 3 months but already dated someone else since then, then I'll give it a chance. I just don't want to be the first girl he's dating. If I'm the first girl post breakup, I prefer it to be at least 6 months.

My reasoning is that I want to date a guy who is happy being alone, and then I just want to add to their life. I don't want to be the sole reason for their happiness, and I don't want to try to fill a gap in their life.

I realize every situation is different. If it was someone I met in real life and knew more of the circumstances, I might give it a chance. But if it's someone on OLD, I'm more wary.

I recently had a good guy send me a message on OLD, but he was currently separated. I told him that he seemed interesting, but that I don't date men who aren't legally divorced. He responded that it made him more attracted to me, and that he would send me a message in a few months when he's divorced.

I just feel like separated men and men recently divorced are a higher risk. And I know that I'm in a much better place now than I was shortly after my breakup. Even though I was convinced back then that I was 100% ready to date.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Jul 2013
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dated too early post D and hurt a very nice man.

However I met my SO when he was 5 months post D. We broke up 6 months later because we both realized he wasn't ready. Six months later we started seeing each other again and it's been going well for almost a year now.

I respect the two ladies concern for their boundaries.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4516 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Newlease
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Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of us in this forum dated before we were ready. But all of us THOUGHT we were ready.

So these women may be acting from experience. People are going to judge you for a lot of reasons. I used to be prejudiced against divorced people until I became divorced.

Then when I started dating, I checked out every guy I dated online to make sure he was actually divorced and didn't have any criminal convictions. Once burned, twice shy.

Hang in there, when it's right it will all fall into place.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7690 | Registered: Aug 2005
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My take on this? These women have rules for dating that they have set based on their experiences and expectations. Their rules are about THEM. It doesn't matter if they seem fair to you or not, because the rules aren't ABOUT you.

I won't comment on whether you are ready to date or not, because I have no idea. I will, however, gently point out that feeling judged by someone else's preferences might be something you want to explore a bit.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25316 | Registered: Aug 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with NIK. Those ladies are protecting themselves, this isn't about YOU, per se.

I really only like men that are a few years out post D and have had at least one or two relationships under their belt. That is where I am in my healing, and I want an equal...not someone I have to play therapist too.

The best advice I can offer is to look for someone on a similar healing timeline, you are both more open to each other because you "get" where you are.

I will say, when I was on OLD, the amount of pissed off men that were separated is scary. In my state it is a 1 year wait if you have minor children. When I politely declined and stated, "I don't date separated guys...I'm further along in my life and looking for someone similar..." they would get defensive, and some angry.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4141 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there's a way to put that without making it sound personal.

As someone who responded to maybe 10% of the women who contacted me, what if she sent a picture and I said, "I don't date heavy women... I'm at a healthy weight and I prefer to date women who are further along in their quest for health."

That is very judge-y. It may be true, but I think we need to be careful to be polite to people who contact us in the search for a mate (or completely silent).

You need the skill to say "no thanks" without trying to convince that person as to the reason. They're not going to agree with you anyway, ready or not. It's going to sound like an accusation.

When that divorce lawyer told me she didn't date newly-divorced men, the accompanying justification didn't seem nice. It sounded angry. So I just kept quiet and let it go.

I think it's hard to say "I don't date X..." and not make some comment like "I'm further along than you, so suck it." Probably better to just say "no thanks" and let it go.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1869 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
finallymefirst
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Member # 41060
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm heavy and if you were to reply that you prefer a woman at a healthy weight, I wouldn't be offended. I'd prefer me at a healthy weight too Now if you said "I don't date fat chicks", that would probably sting a little. Stating that you're further along in the separation/divorce process doesn't seem offensive to me. I'm glad you pointed that out and I'll have to give that further thought.

Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013
Lonelygirl10
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Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've only had one separated man send me a message, and I replied that I feel uncomfortable dating someone who wasn't legally divorced. He wasn't offended at all. He responded that he respected that and it made him more attracted to me, and that he would send me a message in a few months. So I don't think being honest is a bad thing.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Jul 2013
soulsearcher4
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Member # 29540
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me like you're too heavily invested in these women.

You're downright ANGRY they didn't give you a chance.

They owe you nothing. Any woman out there owes you nothing. It is entirely their choice to pursue something romantic with you. Just as it is entirely your choice to pursue something romantically with them.

Move on. Find another. There ARE others out there.


Me: BS
Her: WS

Divorced.

Remarried to a supremely wonderful person!


Posts: 171 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: So.Cal.
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D will (hopefully) be late next month or early the month after. At least before the end of October. There's been a lot of detachment on my part over the past couple of months, considerably more than I expected. I won't predict how I'll feel once the D is finalized but something tells me it won't be quite as bad as the way I was thinking back in April or May.

I'm not going to put any timeline on when I might start looking again, but right now I just can't see myself doing anything about that until well into next year. I have too much going on in the aftermath of Dday to even contemplate getting into something and I don't see that changing for quite some time. In fact, any sort of relationship would almost be inconvenient at this stage. It certainly wouldn't be fair to the other person as there's too much that I need to do for myself at the moment - I wouldn't be much of a BF to anybody.

Life being what it is, I'm sure that there'll come a point when I'll feel like looking. Just won't be for a good while yet.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 271 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
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