he had discharge papers from the hospital with the diagnosis of Adult Sexual Assault
It's my understanding that they can determine with some accuracy whether the sex was consensual or not, and they are saying it was not. So.... I guess I don't understand some of the comments suggesting this was consensual.
Yes, get access to his email and keep an eye out going forward to monitor his risky behaviors, but don't doubt he was raped.
The police officer that brought him and questioned him should have his name in the medical record. What else should be in the medical record is a tox screen. Blood or urine to figure out what he was given or what he may have taken. Lastly I would want to see the report or talk with the Dr about how they know is was sequel assault and not rough consensual sex.
Your husband has had some event or break that lead to this behavior that has progressed. He needs some serious therapy to get a grasp on what that may be. You in turn need to protect yourself and your children. I would do this by making sure you ate financially able to walk away should you need it.
I would do this by making sure you ate financially able to walk away should you need it.
I will personally write the check. No questions asked. She is also more than welcome to move herself and her children to Casa Nokidding.
kellygirl and I were college roommates and, if fact, she was a friend of FWH's first as she began dating his bff at that time. I met her, and the rest is history.
She knows of the history between FWH and myself and, in addition to SI, was instrumental in helping me save my M. She encouraged me so many times when I wanted to quit. She would confront me and tell me I really didn't want a D, and she was right.
She enlisted some help this evening but I don't want to cross any boundaries with her, as she is now a member. This is now her story to tell, not mine. I hope she will update everyone. But, right now she is safe at home.
She did say one thing to me that broke my heart into a million pieces: I'm afraid I'm going to find out information I can't handle.
But I know she can. Whatever it is, I know she can.
* my ethical code won't allow me to not address the fact that the identification of a transsexual person as a tranny is highly derogatory.
He meets a chick at the bar and she informs him she and her husband are looking for a third. Woman stresses that they will both use her no man to man interaction. Kelly's husband buys the drinks because he can't believe his luck.
The get to the hotel and woman starts in on him, hence the lipstick. Man joins in but stays away from Kelly's husband as discussed. At some point, husband forces himself on Kelly's husband, and rapes him.
How drunk was he during this time might explain how he found himself in a dangerous situation. It might also explain how another man could have over powered him. Unless he was tied up, kinky style but I think there would be mark when he would fight back.
Or maybe he paid a ho for a blowjob and after he passed out from drinking, the ho, being a tranny, fucked him.
If a police report was made the police would be investigating this just like any other rape. They would be going back to the bar and asking questions.
Someone knows something more. Whether or not Kelly's husband is being truthful, difficult to say. It does appear that regardless of what he was doing, he was raped. And that is traumatic.
Kelly, call the hospital ask who brought him in. They will have police information. Then go from there.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
* my ethical code won't allow me to not address the fact that the identification of a transsexual person as a tranny is highly derogatory
Thank you for saying something. I was going to as well.
She did say one thing to me that broke my heart into a million pieces: I'm afraid I'm going to find out information I can't handle.
Kelly, you can handle it. I know you can because I just read two incredibly strong, powerful messages from you. I also know you can because I handled some seriously sick shit I learned about my now-ex husband. And there have been some stellar people here who also handled news that devastated them. We all fell apart, but even that is handling it. We fell apart, we got back up, we found out more, we got back up. That is handling it. We handled it. You will handle it. You already are handling it.
I was raped as a child, so of course I'm against victim blaming. But I do think you take a certain amount of risk with any type of online dating or one-night stands or getting yourself so drunk without your spouse or a friend or anyone there to help you when you black out. By getting himself so drunk, especially when you aren't there, it doesn't sound like he's protecting himself very well, nor worrying about what would happen to you or your children should something happen to him. I really hope he starts getting his priorities straight.
Something about the story that's nagging me is that it sounds like he didn't "have the courage" to report this. He was unresponsive? So he was "taken" to the hospital. He didn't "choose" to go the hospital.
It just seems like one plausible explanation is that he hooked up with some people (maybe quite a few with that bar tab), got messed up, messed around, then when he was "found" unconscious, his brain automatically went to covering his tracks.
Perhaps he's been to "seedy motels" quite often? But this time he took it too far? Perhaps he meant to come home like nothing had happened, but maid service or someone found him.. Hungover people are pretty hard to wake up.. Especially if he had only passed out an hour or 2 before someone found him..
I agree that it takes a lot for a man (or woman) to admit rape, but I can totally see how you are questioning the truth here..
You have a lot of digging to do honey. And a lot of decisions in front of you. Lots of love or tough love? Either way, dealing with an addict or alcoholic is NOT easy. That is why there are support groups just for the people that are affected by them. It has to be their choice to get better, and you have to kind of let go of the thought that you can control this situation. He's controlling it. And he has to want to get better, for himself..
He needs help. In a lot of ways. And I wish all addicts and waywards would start by being truthful. The first step is always admitting you have a problem. I hope he is able to do this now..
Big hugs to you. Sending lots of strength to you and your family, because no matter what way anything happened, it sounds like a major bomb just went off in your marriage, and things are going to have to change. I hope you and your husband can both find the support you need to deal with this. AA would be a great start for him as binge drinking certainly qualifies as being an alcoholic. Even if he "only" does it every 10 days, wanting to lose yourself in drugs or alcohol is a sign of serious issues. For you, I think you should do Al-Anon either way. It will help you learn how to set boundaries and deal with him and perhaps what kinds of consequences are appropriate, helpful, not helpful, etc..
The great folks here at SI will support you as best they can, and mad props to your awesome friend nokidding for doing the best SHE can to help you
[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 12:11 AM, August 22nd (Friday)]
I'm fresh out of wisdom right now but I just want to say that I am so sorry you are going through this surreal hell right now. There's a truth out there and I know you have the strength to seek it out and deal with what may come. Please, lean on your friends IRL and here on SI.
6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay
I see a lot of words thrown around on here about the OW...the "c" word...slut...whore...cumdumpster...slunt..etc. Let me correct myself..the "c" word isn't used because it is banned..but I have seen variations of it typed here. Anyhoo...
My husband...my HUSBAND...was in contact with a..transsexual..on craigslist during the time he was cheating on me. I got to see the pics they exchanged..the words they said..."OMG! That's so hot..when can I get with you and fuck your tight ass!" I also had the...pleasure..of speaking with this person when I contacted him to ask how far it had gone. This person bragged that they had been with "a million" married men..but couldn't remember being with mine.
So...again..Im sorry if my use of that word offended anyone. I realize other BS's can call their WS's OW or OM all kinds of vile(and appropriate) names. But, because my situation is different, I guess I need to be respectful of the type of men my WH was in contact with.
Sorry for the slight t/j kellygirl.
[This message edited by confused615 at 5:23 AM, August 22nd (Friday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
This is happening more and more and I hope it doesn't adversing affect the well of good advice we are offered here.
Can we agree that when dealing with tramactic events surrounding infidelity that we can "overlook" someone's lapse of polictical correctness? If I have to disect every word to avoid offending someone then I won't bother to post and maybe what I had to say would be of assistance to a reader?
I didn't get the impression that the poster's meant the term "tranny" as a disrepectful or derogatory term.
I hope you were able to get some sleep. Also remember to try to eat something and just breathe.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Sending lots of strength to you.
In his quest for freedom, he set me free!
He took the $200 out to pay a hooker.
Well, based on my experience in 2010 this seems to be about the going rate for an escort.
I do agree that it is possible he was raped. But I think kellygirl has every right to be furious as he was putting himself in situations that no married man should be in. And I'm agreeing that this probably isn't the first time he's been in a seedy hotel.
So sorry kellygirl. Welcome, although I wish you didn't have to be here.
One of my dear family friends (his side of the family) is an attorney here in nyc and she has worked many criminal cases as district attorney here in NYC. I did seek her help yesterday. I told her the entire story. We then went on an adventure to retrace his steps as best we could.
1) She said that there likely is no police report at the hospital. They did perform a rape kit on my husband, swapped all kinds of areas. etc, etc. She said that rape kit results can take weeks to get baack, and he will not be a priority, because he was not beat up/assaulted that way. and frankly, he's a guy who had a hooker incident go bad.
2) She said once the tox screen and rape kit come back, an SVU detective will get assigned the case and start investigating. She said she has been hired in the past to be a victims advocate to help navigate the system, get cases moved up the list, etc, etc.. This is nuts right?
3) We went to the bar where the 255.00 credit card charge took place. a block from madison square garden. It's a seedy latin bar (my husbands latin), all men at the bar, scantily clad women bartending. No one speaking english. not a strip club. my family lawyer friend speaks spanish, and she said i'm sure these girls are for sale. oy.. we are just speculating. We certainly stuck out like of the crowd. too nice women dressed in business attire in this joint. My friend says text me a pic of your husband. I do, she tells me she's going to show the bartender, say it's her brother and she hasn't seen him for a couple of days, and he works in this area (that part is true). My heart is racing. I'm scared if we start asking questions, shady place with throw us out. So, all in spanish. she asks bartender, she says i think he was here earlier. WTF!!!! Are you f'ing kidding me! By the way, I did tell my hubby who i was with and we were going out to do some digging). Bartender calls over young mangaer guy, he looks at pic, and they get into deeper discussion in spanish. he walks away to make a phone call. My friend says your husband came in earlier, said bad things happened to him the other night, he has a big cc charge from this bar and doesnt remember anything. Asked the guy for help, no one there was working that evening, they would have the night manager call him. So, the guy calls my hubby and says your sister is here looking for you, and hands my friend the phone. jesus. it was all fine. The night manager never called him. We agreed that the fact that he was in here asking what the hell happened to him, is a good thing. maybe he's not totally lying. she asked if he had anything to drink, they said no, he asked a few questions, left his number and left. There's so much more to tell, but that was the start of my evening. Jesus!
You are making progress. That is great. When you feel you have all of the information I think that will help you in determining how to move forward.
Hoping for the best for you!
Anyway, OP, I meant no offence and my heart really is hurting for you.