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General     Print Topic    
User Topic: Adult male rape
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As you say there is a sniff test issue here--not about whether he was raped, but about his other patterns of behavior. It sounds like that has been basically rug-swept and the time for rug-sweeping has pretty definitively passed now.

Thank you Nora. That is exactly how I see it.

However, I do agree that I jumped to victim blaming, which would be very counterproductive. And maybe reconsidering he couch sleeping, too. Ultimately, that is her decision but I need to be careful how I share my thoughts with her.

I have been sharing all of this with her, too. She is grateful and has asked about SI, my experiences, etc.

We rock, of that I do know, and should she decide to join, I know we can all help her.


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2601 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
WastedTime12
♀ Member
Member # 34767
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may be in the minority here, but something does not sound right.

If this man is truly getting black out drunk on a pretty consistent basis then he would have no recollection of the events even without being roofied.

First things first, what does the hospital paperwork say about the blood work, they should have noted his blood alcohol content.

Secondly, your friend cannot make him quit drinking, she can of course set boundaries but she has to be willing to act on them (it is hard to do, btdt)

I am all about supporting him but here is the thing with alcoholics who drink to the point of black out, they will say/do anything to not have to take responsibility for their actions.

Honestly, I would start with the hospital that he was discharged from. They would have information regarding who responded (police). Something simply does not sound right.

I am sorry but I would want to know where the cops found him and what the hospital records show. He may have no memory of what occurred but the cops and hospital staff are an excellent starting point.

Again, apologies but something about the two years and no memory of the latest incident in a string of incidents really does not sit right.

Take care


Life is meant to be lived, not numbed!

In his quest for freedom, he set me free!


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is my concern too which is why I would press for a police report. He wouldn't be the first person to cry rape out of extreme embarrassment. Liars will resist efforts to follow through legally. Not all that resist are liars, but if he tries to blow off the rape legally, that with the other inconsistencies would really make me feel more like he is hiding something.

He doesn't have to be just bi curious. He could be gay. Marrying and having sex with a woman doesn't mean a man is straight. Someone embarrassed by being gay would go to extreme measures to hide it. This could be his secrets catching up with him.

Not saying this to scare her, but to consider all possibilities.

Just because they called it a date rape drug doesn't convince me that he was on a date. That's just what they refer the meds as. But the lipstick is a red flag. And I do lean towards tranny rather than another woman. Perhaps things did get more out of hand than he had bargained for and he felt violated.

I would be very interested in talking to the police who found him. I'd want to know what they saw, found, etc.

I'd also consider that the police were not involved.
Until you can get in touch with the police that brought him there and verify their involvement.


The staff at the hospital should be able to tell you who brought him in. Even if it's just the specific police department. That would be documented.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I do lean towards tranny rather than another woman. Perhaps things did get more out of hand than he had bargained for and he felt violated.

Yeah, that's my fear too.

She is reading here and feels very encouraged by all of the input.

She feels like she has had her head in the sand, and she should have been investigating ages ago.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Everyone. I told her this placed saved my M and I know we can help here too.

Sorry, babes...but I think this is just the tip of the iceberg. I pray it's not.


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2601 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She feels like she has had her head in the sand, and she should have been investigating ages ago.
Well, huge (((((((((HUGS))))))))) for her and, hopefully, she won't kick herself too hard over not investigating before. None of us marry thinking we'll be betrayed, right? And none of HIS behavior is HER fault. He hid himself from her- and probably still is, to a degree, but that's not on her, it's on him.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 2:12 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]


Posts: 11754 | Registered: Mar 2008
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*Something* most definitely happened to this man. No doubt.

The circumstances surrounding this incident are really, really disturbing all on their own, but the changed email password ....smh..... kinda points to the fact that whatever happened didn't occur randomly because of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I'm so sorry. What a mess.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8088 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would change my locks. If he was attacked and blacked out, someone could have ead his drivers license and even have keys to their home.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

someone could have ead his drivers license and even have keys to their home.

Yeah, I forgot that tidbit.

Oddly, the $200 in cash he took out from the ATM at 2am was missing. But his wallet, cell phone, credit cards were all intact.


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2601 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
kellygirl426
New Member
Member # 44590
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI Everyone. My friend is a god send and I can't thank her enough for pointing me to this forum. I've been reading your comments and it's been very helpful. I just found out about this nightmare yesterday around 1pm, so it's a little over 24 hours. I have a whole LOAD of questions that I havnen't been able to get answered as I threw him out and made him sleep at his brothers, as my reaction was massive anger, with no sympothy for the fact that the hospital paperwork says diagnosis: sexual assault. He was in the same clothes, lipstick stains, he looked like death. has very little recollection of what happened. Except he woke up in a seedy motel, with cops standing over and an ambulance on the way. I said, how did someone know you were in a room? How'd did you get there? who paid and got the keys? What the bleep, bleep, bleep as you an imagine. it was overwhelming, i made him take a shower and get the disgusting off of him and told him to sleep at his brothers house, because i won't be able to keep my cool in front of the kids. Because of this decision, i have no more information as he's been at work all day. I asked him where the police information is, he said the hospital has everything. I did find the last bar charge for 255.00, he said he doesn't remember going into the bar, signing the credit card reciept nothing. This is just awful. I told him a month ago, to please stop going out and getting so drunk and coming home at 4 in the morning. This happens about twice a week. I said it's only a matter of time before something awful happens. And I was right. I'll keep my friend posted as I'll see him this evening and see if rattle his memory to give me more info. I appreciated the comments about not blaming the victim, I was ABSOLUTELY blaming him. IT's been 24 hours, this is awful, i'm more sympathetic, but don't want him off the hook either.
I can't even get my head wrapped around this. I'll fill my friend "nokidding" in if I find anything else this evening, or post here late night. Any investigation advice is welcome.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: New York, NY
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're here. So glad you posted.

We are all sorry you are here, but this is absolutely a safe place for you.

(((kellygirl))))

My IRL life just crashed into my SI Family.

Fuck, this is crazy. We are all here for you now.


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2601 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if money was not taken. Someone could have access to your address and possibly made a key. Please change your locks ASAP. So sorry this happened.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
WastedTime12
♀ Member
Member # 34767
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you have the receipt showing the bar charge of $255.00, I think I would go talk with someone at this bar if it is safe. The bar tab will show what was actually purchased. That sounds like a lot of drinking all by himself or was he buying rounds?

Also, is it a bar or a gentlemen's club?

Sorry and hugs


Life is meant to be lived, not numbed!

In his quest for freedom, he set me free!


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im sorry, but here is my take on it.

He took the $200 out to pay a hooker. It ended up being a tranny and they either has consensual sex, or he was raped.

Now..you need to investigate and find out everything you can.

ETA: After reading your post, he woke up with police in the room? And has no recollection of anything, yet believes he was raped? Im sorry...I think he said he was raped out of embarrassment.

I have been raped. So I understand not blaming the victim..but this doesn't sound like rape. It sounds, in all honesty, like he found a hooker off craigslist, had sex, passed out, woke up with cops in the room, and rather than tell them he had been with a tranny hooker(which is illegal, he would have been arrested), he said he was raped.

FWIW, my husband cheated on me with a man. I understand if you feel there is no way your husband would willingly be with another man. I would have said the same 4 years ago..and had I not seen the evidence myself, I still wouldn't believe it. Hell..I *know* it happened, and some days I have to force myself to believe it.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:59 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone could have access to your address and possibly made a key.

Excellent point.


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2601 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
kellygirl426
New Member
Member # 44590
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UGH, this is awful. To the one poster, I do not have the credit card receipt, I dug thru everyting no receipt. I see the charge on our credit card account, and I agree, 255.00 is obviously not one person. And his story at the moment is he doesn't even remember going in, he didnt know the name of the place until he looked at the credit card account.

I'm very worried the last poster's account is what happened. It didnt have to be drugged, he was black out drunk, what's the difference.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: New York, NY
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The morning after my husband's affair started he came home at 9 am. This was after me calling him many times, texting, calling his friends to see where he was, calling my friend whose husband is a cop and asking what I should do (answer...call police lockup first). He came home with some crazy story about being at a house party and losing his wallet and phone and blah blah blah. Looking back, I can't believe I fell for that as a plausible solution. I was PISSED but I eventually got over it. I became flaming mad 3+ years later when it was revealed during the reading of the timeline he prepared that was indeed the night they got together for the first time and fooled around but did not have intercourse.

My point is that men will come up with all sorts of b.s. stories to cover their tracks. I'm not saying he did not get raped...but what led up to that situation that night? Was he answering CL man to man ads or looking for a prostitute and her pimp raped him? Lots of different possibilities. There should be a record that the police have of taking him to the hospital. Find the nearest police station to that hospital and have her check it out. Someone knows something.

Another point I would like to make is that the drinking - first and foremost - needs to be addressed. Also his health issues. Undiagnosed diabetes can do a lot of damage to a person's kidneys and eyes and circulatory system. Allowing him to drink when she travels and the dcs are in the care of relatives is enabling. It's in the best interest of the dcs if the parents address this.

Your friend should also go to Al-Anon for support.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
WastedTime12
♀ Member
Member # 34767
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The charge on the account should show the name of the place where the charge occurred. I would google that first. Then if you want go to the place and ask for a copy of the receipt as long as the charge card is in both of your names that should not be an issue.

Lots of hugs to you!


Life is meant to be lived, not numbed!

In his quest for freedom, he set me free!


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Red  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

womaninflux,
My point is that men will come up with all sorts of b.s. stories to cover their tracks.

As will women ,as evidenced by the stories we hear from our male Betrayed Spouse members every day. Please do not generalize, it is against S.I. guidelines.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44983 | Registered: Sep 2006
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WomaninFlux

She is actively posting here now. She is kellygirl426.

Thank you so much for your support!! I just wanted you to know that she is here, and reading everything.

She will update us as she can.

I will say this, kellygirl has her shit together. What she has faced, and done, within 24 hours is AMAZING.


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2601 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
Topic Posts: 57
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