Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Gladiator5 (45339)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: boundary issues
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once it is identified, it is a wait and see to observe tangible actions that show a movement toward real chang

and it's torture for the BS. I say this as a WW. I didn't think I needed boundaries after my affair. So I drank a few cocktails with a few girlfriends at a hotel and didn't keep myself safe. And my husband knew this and all he could do was wait for the train to crash again. Pure torture I say...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This kind of thing seems to be a really common theme for so many of us right now.

We're later in game. They should know better. We should respond better.

I think that in my situation, what has always lacked has been my consequences for his boundary breaches. Every time I went to talk through one of these, we would spend an hour or so with his minimizations and counter accusations before he would get "beat down" and "depressed" and admit he blew it.

Instead of turning over a new leaf, I'm realizing that sullen resentment is more often the response after these encounters.

So, the new question should be, "What are MY boundaries and MY limitations?"

You know he shouldn't be friends with Sally. He knows he shouldn't be friends with her. He does it anyway. Is the "consequence" that you work through it with MC. Again? Again again?

Frustrated for you. Here with you.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 4:38 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17838 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, right? What is the proper response? What is the appropriate consequence? When is it a dealbreaker?

Our MC was intent, without being hostile, in "how is it you did not think this was wrong?" She kept coming back to this. The best he could come up with was that it was a slide from work to the other stuff that they had talked about AT work the week before. And the texting, seeming so innocuous. And that he felt so differently now, different than he has ever felt prior in our M. That his boundaries were where they had never been before. (the complacency I had mentioned)

I will say that now that this has been clearly laid on the table another such incident would have him out of the house. I thought it was clear before, but I have a neutral observer this time!

I told him that I need for the M to be protected. We do not have to be joined at the hip, but the M must be protected from ALL interlopers. That's what I need to feel safe.

He has agreed completely. But of course we will see!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And he has no friends outside of work and no male friends at all.

Sounds like he is: a) not very good at making friends to be honest; b) he confuses his working relationships as friendships; c) is currently, if ever, unable to have a non-nuanced friendship with a woman. I.e. It is not clear if he actually knows how to do friendship.

More positively, could he be encouraged to take up a hobby that increases his social life, his independence (from you), and offers opportunities for male friendships, and more couple friendships for you both? So he can get more confident and practised on the matter, and feel the difference?


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good points, Edie. I talked to my own IC about what he considers "friends". He calls everybody at work his friends but knows next to nothing about them.

I have encouraged him to ride with the local guys on their weekly bike rides. These are decent, middle aged guys. He joked with his (previous) IC that I wanted him to have "old, fat guys" as friends instead of the young women at his work. Ha ha. Well, fucking yeah! I have middle aged women as MY friends! I don't hang out with 20 something guys!

This is a topic which we will continue to broach. The MC said that she feels that he needs to "take a hit" on having work friendships with women. She pointed out that I had lost big time from the A, and the M had lost, and that he needed to lose too. So I asked him if he would like to cultivate some friendships and he wasn't sure.

Thanks for your input!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He joked with his (previous) IC that I wanted him to have "old, fat guys" as friends instead of the young women at his work.


Not much of a joke - I know blokes like him,unable to accept their age, hanging round with all these younger women. Sleazy and creepy. Does he not see that?

[This message edited by Edie at 6:21 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catlover,

What are YOUR boundaries that you are not going to let him cross again? Do you know?

I know that what HL did was crossing my boundaries, and it is the last time he will ever do it again. He knows this and I know this. He gets no second chances to cross my boundaries now that I have them.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5068 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right Edie--he is a middle aged guy himself!

Tired girl I think I am clarifying my own boundaries; didn't think that I needed to!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Exhausted in OH
♀ Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread (and TG's) resonate so strongly with me. If we end up not making it, it won't be because of his PAs - it will be because of a "friendship" that he wasn't able /willing to give up, a friendship he knew bothered me, because he "knew it was OK" (see my profile). What he finally realized, when I was about a minute from kicking him out, was that it didn't matter what the "truth" of the relationship was. It hurt me, and thus it hurt our marriage, and it had to go. My feelings were enough to make it unacceptable. He finally sees that,, and has for almost 2 years now, but my faith in him was shaken to the core.
Hugs.


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2011
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exhausted, I read your profile--too familiar--ugh!

Thanks for sharing. Why is this so common??



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what works? Stop fucking texting women. Really, not so hard!

At about 4 years out, my FWH deleted an entire text stream between he and a female coworker. I really thought it was the end. I was d.o.n.e. with trying to police him. We went to see his IC together, while he tried to get me not to divorce him. I think this was THE FINAL FUCK UP for him to get what I thought he'd gotten all along. I think he got comfortable, let some old habits creep in, justified it (she wasnt a danger because she was a lesbian) and then had the cold icebath of reality dumped on his head.

I hope he never gets too comfortable again, because I don't now that I would give another shot. Im not his mommy. I'd rather be alone than go through this shit any more.

I hope this will be IT for him. It isn't hard to do, you know?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Exhausted in OH
♀ Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Exhausted, I read your profile--too familiar--ugh!
Thanks for sharing. Why is this so common??

Thats the million dollar question, isn't it? I will offer you some comfort with this - once he "got" it, REALLY got it, and shifted his thinking, everything changed. We moved (again) to a new city last summer, and I see him forming much healthier work relationships and no longer needing to be the most popular guy in the room. I will probably forever keep an eye, and I will definitely always speak up if I feel uncomfortable, but it's his job to maintain his boundaries. I will never again compromise myself for his ego.


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2011
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

think he got comfortable, let some old habits creep in, justified it (she wasnt a danger because she was a lesbian) and then had the cold icebath of reality dumped on his head.

Ugh! And slight t/j...

Going through this currently myself with someone from FWH work who is way too familiar and jovial with him over text. I too got the "it's ok, she's a lesbian!" As if that makes it ok or even relevant.

So frustrating. I'm sorry you're struggling with boundary issues. It really shouldn't be this hard!!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 585 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.