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User Topic: Hoarding
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, now that I'm running my own household I am realizing that my XW was a hoarder. A very low-end hoarder, but still a hoarder. Maybe pack rat is a nicer term. But damn did she like acquiring physical items.

Conversely I bring new stuff into the house very cautiously because I know more stuff adds more stress and more clutter.

Anyway, this isn't to beat up on her. It's just interesting. Also interesting that I didn't notice very much. One of the nicest things about my sister and I getting a place was that we are both minimalist and we were able to keep the junk waaaaay down.

(Again, this is not to shame anyone or say that liking stuff is bad.. it's just not my style. I will admit that I like useful things and especially useful electronic things and if I had infinite money I'd probably turn my place into something resembling a space ship. A tasteful, minimalist, fully automated space ship.)


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 845 | Registered: Nov 2012
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XPOS was a hoarder, with a side of neat freak. Sounds contradictory, but it just meant his piles of crap were nice and tidy. They were still piles of unnecessary crap/junk. Drove me insane, but I could tolerate it (barely) because of the "neatness" component. After I kicked him out I got the most joy out of throwing out the mountains of crap. It felt wonderful! Even my DD17 (16 at the time) told me how happy she was to see it go. I was even finding things in his drawers like the tags from new clothes from years ago. Really? That freedom from "stuff" has been one of the best outcomes of the D, and actually being able to see the floor again...

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 12:53 AM, August 21st (Thursday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1208 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being an 'acquierer' is not necessarily being a hoarder. Hoarders keep junk-although they wouldn't see it that way Hoarders live in the midst of their 'stuff' with little room for living. Being cluttered is not being a hoarder.

I'm glad you're happy with your living arrangements, but your environment would probably be considered sterile and uninviting to a lot of people...

Live and let live, and watch the labels.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20327 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apologies to anyone I offended and I just meant this post as a bit of whimsy, not anything serious.

All I've ever wanted was a place I could feel okay having people over. Never had that growing up or in my marriage.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 845 | Registered: Nov 2012
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your posts lately seem to really be hitting home for me.

Everyone definitely has their own style, comfort level but there are extremes to everything.

At the first court hearing for temporary orders, I brought pictures. I asked for a dumpster, the looks from the mediator and judge were actually quite humorous. I may have been the first person to be awarded a dumpster during a divorce.

We filled it, the great big one that you see on construction sites. It was nothing of value to anyone. Just debris that he had acquired, honestly just garbage, old sofas, ripped and dirty, odd pieces of wood, rotted, I don't even know what else, just junk.

x didn't say one word about the request just agreed immediately, I think he was embarrassed for anyone to see the pictures. He loved to watch the show hoarders and criticize the people that lived that way. I would just look at him and be dumbfounded. Of course I could never mention it and if I ever complained, I would have paid the price.

Now when I come home and see my yard, I smile, I no longer feel ashamed.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't agree that hoarders only keep junk. I have a good friend that I'm very concerned about right now. She doesn't keep junk but she has definately become a hoarder. She hoards antiques. Furniture, plates, tea sets, lamps, just about anything as long as it's old. Much of it is valuable. She always loved Victoriana and she always had a bit too much of it for most people's taste but her home was always beautiful if you liked that kind of thing. Now you cannot move in her house without hitting something. Even the bathrooms are packed with antique trinkets. There are no blank surfaces anywhere. The change occured when her son moved away. We kind of think that the more lonely she got the more stuff she bought on ebay.

She recently had surgery on her foot and we had to help her get in the house. It was extremely difficult. A hospital bed had been set up on the ground floor and a wheelchair provided. She can't use the chair because there isn't enough floor surface to be able to move in it. And she has a walker but that too is very difficult. We are hoping the physical therapists will recommend some help for this problem she's developed. As her friends it's hard to know what to do for her. We care about her and don't want to insult her. We're just damn worried about her.


Posts: 391 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Melody3
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Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have clutter. Don't believe I'm a hoarder. I'm down though and the clutter keeps building and it's annoying me so something must be done. School papers, kids toys, etc...

Ex was a hoarder. I had to rent a dumpster this summer and I filled it. He took the stuff he wanted and left the rest for me to deal with. And the cost. I should have been thinking and dealt with it during the divorce process so he would have had to at least paid 1/2. I asked him this summer what I'm supposed to do with all this crap? He said "I don't care." His attitude towards life..........Or "I don't know." There was so much shit in that garage if baffled my mind. Guess I had gotten used to it as well after all those years (even though I didn't like the stuff he kept holding onto) I dealt with in my mind because he was my husband.


BS (me): 38
WH: 38
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 8 (daughter) & 4(son)
Divorced 12/2013
OW moves 10 min's away from kids and I with my Ex. 6/2014.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW.........good luck with your space ship :)


BS (me): 38
WH: 38
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 8 (daughter) & 4(son)
Divorced 12/2013
OW moves 10 min's away from kids and I with my Ex. 6/2014.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was kidding about the space ship thing. Making fun of myself.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 845 | Registered: Nov 2012
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBX is a hoarder. Looking forward to getting her stuff out of my house and reclaiming some peace.

And a garage. FINALLY. 9 years together and I've never had the use of one.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The X was an 'acquierer' of junk. I wouldn't call him a hoarder. If he found something interesting, he'd bring it home and add it to the 'collection'.

One time he came home with a green tank of some kind of gas. He'd found it on the side of the road. It looked like a propane tank, but it wasn't marked in any way. I was flabergasted. What if it was a poison of some kind?? He kept it. He even moved it across country when we moved from NY to AZ. He probably still has it.

He'd bring home large springs, screw drivers, wheels of all kinds. He'd just put them in the garage. You couldn't MOVE in there let alone get a car in. But it was his 'thing' and it wasn't worth arguing over.

Now, he had an acquaintance who was a hoarder. He was an older man who had never married and lived for years with his mother. The mother died some years ago, and when he was ready to move into senior living, he asked the X to help. He had TV guides (as well as other magazines) going back to the 1950s! He still had all of his mother's clothing, including her underwear. His car was full of old newspapers with just enough room for him to get into the driver seat. He was a HOARDER


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20327 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate labels, so I don't know if ex needed medical help. But, every day it seemed, she went to Target or Wal-Mart or one of those places and came home with about $50-$100 of stuff we didn't need. We had a nice big finished basement playroom for our son. But he couldn't really play down there because his toys and books and stuff were ankle deep everywhere. I'm not exaggerating. When I needed to access the furnace room, I needed to move aside piles of stuff just to create a path. Once, one of the piles kicked back. I still don't want to know what that was.

She'd keep every single catalog we received in the mail. When I started to throw them away before she saw them, she started making sure she'd get to the mailbox before I did. When I complained about the clutter, she added several junk mail "organizers" to the list of junk she bought from Target. Never used them, though. When you'd open a cabinet in the kitchen or the living room, junk mail would spill out onto the floor. She belonged to some newsgroup online called "The Fly Lady," who apparently cured clutter in many households. I think that's where the junk-mail organizer idea came from.

She wasn't bad about money, really. It was just endless clutter. Even though her mother was a difficult person, I'd look forward to their visits because it was the only time of the year she'd do something about the clutter. And if I tried (my solution was to throw everything out), she'd get really pissed off.

Divorce was tough, though. She did have her good points. The only really great moment in the divorce process was, one month after it was final, when I took all the clutter and put it in the garage. I stacked half of our large garage eight feet high, solid with junk. And she took it all away in a U-Haul. That felt good.

My son tells me they had boxes stacked through the entire living room and dining room for about a month. Then she threw almost all of it away. Go figure.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, he had an acquaintance who was a hoarder. He was an older man who had never married and lived for years with his mother. The mother died some years ago, and when he was ready to move into senior living, he asked the X to help. He had TV guides (as well as other magazines) going back to the 1950s! He still had all of his mother's clothing, including her underwear.

Had a similar situation. XPOS's uncle. Never married, lived with his parents until they passed then it was just him and his sister (also never married). Then she passed. Then he passed. The family had been in that home for about 50 years. DS and I ended up being the ones to clean it out - four floors of 50 years worth of hoarding. Magazines, phone books, old bills, you name it going back to the 50s. Nothing was thrown away. I spent weeks sitting at a shredder. The uncle did not touch a thing after his parents passed, including clothing down to underwear. DS and I spent an entire summer cleaning the place out getting it ready to sell. That made me realize even more how much I hate "stuff" overload.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1208 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't realize hoarder was a label that was abused or used incorrectly... but now that I think of it, XW did actually sometimes watch 'Hoarders' and she said she did it to motivate herself. She seemed kind of sad about it. I was never clear on whether she considered herself to be a hoarder like on the show, but I know that what we had was pretty tame compared to even the most tame example on the show. I have never shamed her or I think anyone for being messy, at least not on purpose. Maybe because I have this inner fear of being judged that way. But I don't bat an eye if I go to someone's house and it's really messy. Doesn't bother me as long as there's no health hazards or whatever. I just want my own space to be at the very least clean and low stress.

I do think that it's a bit soon to be saying that my space is sterile and uninviting (especially without knowing what it looks like...) because this is the first place I've been totally in charge of for about a decade and I just moved in a month ago starting with almost no stuff, just what I could carry in the car. And no, I'm not perfect. I am prone to being cluttered myself if my mood gets low or I get really stressed out. But I'm trying to see what I can do with a fresh start. I just don't want it to get away from me, so I'm being really careful about making changes before I figure out how to organize what I have.

I think adding furniture and decorations is always fine as long as there's space for it. And places to put things / organization.

Hmmm... being brutally honest with myself, I will say that I tend to collect lots of pieces of paper because they don't take much physical space and I'm never quite sure what I'll need in the future. I think with a decent filing system that's okay. I do periodically go through and purge stuff I no longer need. I also keep a lot of old computer files/photos, but those are fully digital and don't take up much space and are easily organized by date. I do understand that items can be very hard to discard, either for practical or nostalgic reasons. When I and XW ran out of money a few years ago we ended up bailing and going to live with in laws for a few months and I was left with the task of getting our apartment down to a couple suitcases and giving away/throwing away almost everything else because of the really short notice. It was heartbreaking.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 845 | Registered: Nov 2012
Eranda
♀ Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex was a pack rat, too. We had an entire oversized garage filled front to back with c-r-a-p. The man could not throw away a scrap of wood or ANYTHING.

His idea of "cleaning the garage" was to re-stack the PILES of crap in to neater heaps. Drove me insane- because when I wanted something on the bottom of the pile, I had to dismantle the whole thing to get to it. We never used the garage because it was full of junk.

One of my favorite memories of the divorce was when I rented a Uhaul truck and my dad came over. For two days we hauled crap out of that garage and threw it in the truck. TWO DAYS it took.

Drove to the dump and unloaded all of it. The trash weighed just under one ton. It was incredibly freeing to throw out gobs of his collected "stuff" that he couldn't bear to part with. Best one of all? The white, painted cutout plywood reindeer that his father had made for us. We lived in a twin home with no front yard. To this day I have no idea why he gave us those stupid ugly reindeer when we had absolutely no place to put them even if we did like the hideous things. I told the ex NO WAY was I ever putting those things anywhere near my house LOL.

To this day, I still take great joy in throwing things away.


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4229 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are funny all tiptoeing around the idea of labeling someone something bad as being something one shouldn't do. If there's one thing I've gotten from my D is that I'm now a-ok with being a judgey person and if I decide that a person is a certain thing I find unacceptable then it's ok to name it (or label them) and banish them from my kingdom.

I think it's so great PIC that you are getting this chance to set your place up just like you want, and that you're taking your time about it since part of what's going on (dream budget and spaceship aside) is you figuring out what exactly you like. That's what a proper NB is all about!


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3126 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, cayc. It was a running joke between me and my friends that my next place would have the walls covered with aluminum foil and have neon everywhere. :)

However, if I did have a lot of money I think I'd love to try out some of the home automation and the colored lights and stuff, but... honestly I am starting to see the value of the traditional decorations and plants and warm earthy colors and so on. I'm finding that now that I don't live in a desert, I actually like all this nature/low tech stuff.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 845 | Registered: Nov 2012
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone has different preferences in their living environment. I have a dear friend who loves antiques. Her house is full to the brim and almost overflowing. She LOVES it this way. It nearly sends me into a panic attack.

After my D, and moving 3 times in 3 years, I found that material things just aren't important. If I don't see, use, or touch something at least once every 6 months (that could be shortened), then why do I keep it? I have cleaned out a lot of unnecessary items and could still get rid of more.

I like living in an uncluttered space, it is soothing to me. It's not for everyone, but for me it is the way to live.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7752 | Registered: Aug 2005
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've moved so many times in the past 10 years. Biases me towards being lightweight. But sometimes a piece of furniture or something is worth it.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 845 | Registered: Nov 2012
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a minimalist. My ex used to hold on to everything, I don't miss that at all. I just don't collect junk.

I regularly do a clean out every 6 months or so and toss stuff out, donate or recycle it, the ex used to hate it . If I haven't used it in 12 months it goes.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
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