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User Topic: Has anyone else found SI only after the end of relationship?
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post. Maybe someone who has, like me, only found out SI (or any other site dealing with cheating) after the relationship with the cheater had already ended. I feel... frustrated, angry, robbed, stupid,..., for not having been able to use the help of this great community and its tools to help me deal with it all while I was in the relationship or at least still in contact with the WXGF.


I found SI only around 3 years after my WXGf broke up with me, and for most of the duration of relationship after the cheating (we stayed together for a year and a half after she told me she cheated) I, in hindsight, rugswept the cheating and I suppressed my anger, distrust etc.

It was the same after the break-up, I didn't really deal with the cheating until one day I discovered the sites dealing with cheating&infidelity, SI included. And it was very eye-openning.

After I started reading and thinking about the past&everything, it's like a Pandora's box opened. Since then (and it's been around a year since I've visited SI), I've been struggling with anger, feelings of betrayal, feeling stupid for believing her story, for trying to stay with her and reconcile (she eventually left me to try things with AP, so probably they never stopped), for not standing up for myself to her after the A.

I have gone NC with her a long time ago, told her to never again contact me and that I'll pretend I don't know her if I'll run into her ever again.

For a long time, I tried therapy (and uncovered a lot of things regarding the relationship, my parents&my growing up,...) and I think I've grown/matured considerably. I read many books, including No more mr Nice Guy, Toxic parents. I've been screaming often to let out my frustrations, anger etc. I used to write letters to her, cursing her etc., and never sending them.

I am lost. I don't know what else to do to heal. It's been 4 years since she broke up with me. It's been more than a year since I've started frequenting around sites like SI. It's been almost two years of therapy. I feel somewhat better, but I still can't seem to stop thinking about her cheating every single day, of feeling stupid, betrayed, ..., every day. I feel permanently changed by this, and I'm scared of what my future will be like if I still can't shake my feelings of rage, disgust, distrust.

And I wish so so dearly that I had the chance to know of SI when I was still in a relationship with her, so I could have dumped her immediately and cut all ties with her. Maybe that would give me some measure of satisfaction and feeling of justice. Now I feel there's none for me. I can't seem to find closure. I keep reading stories about betrayed husbands or boyfriends, and I'm trying to "enjoy" when they get closure, when they dump them etc. I'm living vicariously through them, I guess:)

I never got a true, really remorseful apology from her. No common friend took my side and ditched her, all remained common friends, until I decided to cut them out of my life. She used me for support etc. to get better herself, and now I still feel like a shell despite doing almost all I can think of to get better, except jumping in a rebound relationship (I don't want to hurt anyone, and everyone gets scared off when I warn them of my messedupeness).

So I don't know. How do you deal knowing you never yelled at them for cheating on you, never pouring out your anger at them for betraying you, never getting the slightest feeling of justice/karma? Does anyone have any advice for me? I would appreciate it greatly, but even if all you have is a e-hug for me, I am deeply grateful.

I wish all of you all the best, and thanks again for taking the time to read this.


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 256 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can offer you are some words of wisdom that might help.

You have had counselling and are therefore on your way to not going through a similar situation in your future.

Youe ex- on the other hand- IF she hasn't had any counselling- remains a cheating, lying partner... who is with the other half of that cheating, lying relationship. Therefore, she is a cheater waiting for her next 'cheat' and is with another cheater waiting for his next 'cheat'!

She has double jeopardy now. Either she will cheat or he will... maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but at some point in their relationship the s**t is going to hit the fan!

That should offer you some comfort right there.Even if you don't get to see it you should feel comforted by that fact.

It's like peeing in a public pool- nobody will see it ... but it still gives you a warm feeling all the same!

Get over her and enjoy the fact you are free from a cheating relationship secure in the knowledge that she..... is not!!

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 11:06 AM, August 20th (Wednesday)]


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1584 | Registered: Jul 2009
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My D-Day was in September 2012, we separated in October 2012, I filed for divorce in November of 2012, but I spent quite a few long months struggling before I found SI in February of 2013.

So yes, I was already separated with divorce filed when I found SI, and I started down in D/S.

I'm sorry you are struggling so hard. Sending the biggest e-hugs I can muster.. But I do promise that it gets better.

I think my biggest advice is always to be selfish for a while. Find some things that YOU like to do. Start filling your life up with new things and old things that you used to love before the relationship that caused you so much strife..

The more new things you add to your life, the less important all the pain and hurt from the past is.

It isn't just "time" that heals wounds. It's what you do with that time.

I think one of the most unfair things about infidelity is that after D-Day, you aren't able to live in the present. Your mind has to go back and replay what happened, because now you know many things of your past were a lie. You kind of have to put the pieces back together to figure out what happened. Of course, the selfish wayward already knew what happened, so whether reconciling or not, the betrayed still has to play catchup, and the wayward doesn't, and that's BULLSHIT if you ask me.

I have never received an apology. In fact, I get blamed for everything, he's a piece of shit dad, and he even lets his slut mistress text bomb me cursing me out. And I still have to deal with the fucker because of the kids. It's a nightmare constantly being treated like *I* was the one who did something wrong. But in his fucked up mind, it must have been my fault, because he has to justify himself.

But you get to a point where your "give a fuck" breaks. Mine's broken. I don't give a fuck anymore what he thinks of me or how he wants to rewrite history. I've done a lot of work on myself, and I'm able to now live in the present, and I actually have hope for a great future for myself. It really is freeing when you let go and realize that they can think and do whatever they want. Because now *I* get to think and do whatever I want too. I don't have to answer to him. I've chosen to take the high road. I'm not going to let this define who I am. It's hard as hell, but it can be done. They don't call it being a "survivor" for nothing. This place is called "surviving infidelity," because that's what you have to do. It was completely unfair what happened, but unfair things happen to people all the time, and you need to find your inner strength to survive it.

I promise. It gets better. Just keep focusing on YOU and what YOU want out of your life. You can do anything you want, so make your life what you want it to be..

Lots of more hugs.. (((((((Hobbes))))))

PS- I'm obsessed with Calvin and Hobbes. I have all the comic strip books, so I would recommend just reading those if you need to have some fun


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2398 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. Long after.

On my DDay, there wasn't even an internet.

I sure wish I had answers like these, back then.

This is a quote from "BS questions for WS". I can't reply on that thread so I brought it here.

I oculdn't figure out, at that time, how she could claim that she "loved" me and, at the same time, do something so hurtful. I also couldn't figure out why she didn't want to leave her marriage, only go to the OM for good times and sex.

28 years later? Here's my answer.

from EvolvingSoul:

Did I love my BS at all during the time I was imposing a blatant EA on our lives (4 years) and then a hidden PA (3.5 years)? You know, as I have come to understand what it actually means to love someone in an adult way, no. I did not. I loved him the way a child loves. I saw him as a source of stability and security and a way to help get my basic emotional and physical needs met. I felt genuine affection for him but ultimately, when it came down to it, I was willing to get my needs met at his very great expense.


Posts: 540 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, found SI last August when I found confirmation in a trunk of my XWH.

And this was 17 years after the marriage ended & 10 years after he had been killed.

I have SO many questions I would have still asked him about if he were still alive, but instead had to put all the pieces together myself & move past it


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 219 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found SI just before DDay 2 (which ended the relationship with my exWBF), but didn't join and post until the morning after. If I had posted sooner I would have realized it was false R, but coming directly on the heels of DDay2 I posted here all. the. time while I floundered. Not having a resource at that time would have been so hard; I'm sorry you didn't have a place to turn to, and that you had to handle this alone. None of us behave 'optimally;' while grappling with betrayal, so I hope you can forgive yourself for whatever missteps you made; they are learning experiences.

You say you've read books--what about 'Living and Loving After Betrayal' by Steven Stosny, 'The breakup Bible by Susan Elliott', or 'The Grief Club' by Melody Beattie? I also read on baggage reclaim--try http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/telling-them-all-about-themselves-why-its-not-your-job-to-list-their-flaws-and-crimes. These all helped me.

It is time to let this go, because you deserve better than to have your mental energy taken up by someone so unworthy of you. Letting go is very hard, but those books may help you accept that the important thing isn't whether she has been confronted but whether you can heal.

Also, have patience that your healing timeline is dragging out. It takes as long as it takes, everyone is different, and this was a major emotional trauma that you didn't start to address right away. It is not easy.

(((HobbestheTiger)))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
nothinglefttogive
♀ New Member
Member # 44365
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately i found SI a whole year and three months after. Wished I knew about it when DD first happened. Its helped me so much. Wished I did some things different but still no regrets. I don't think anyone prepares themselves for it.


Nothinglefttogive

Posts: 14 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: California
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found SI two years after d-day. I had made so many mistakes up to that point (and continued to make them... ) that I was a lost soul too. I got hit pretty hard with 2x4s because I was CLUELESS so I stopped posting for a while and just read. It was life-changing. I didn't leave the X until a year later, but SI folks encouraged me, challenged me and befriended me

Don't look back in anger; make it your choice to move forward. You can't find a better place for advice, stories, fun and comraderie. You may even start giving advice--that's when you really start to heal. When you can give perspective to another lost soul--or hell, even a hug--another door opens and you'll realize you've made it.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20322 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
nothinglefttogive
♀ New Member
Member # 44365
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately i found SI a whole year and three months after. Wished I knew about it when DD first happened. Its helped me so much. Wished I did some things different but still no regrets. I don't think anyone prepares themselves for it
.

Anger, betrayed, used, having no self worth were just some of the things I went through. What I found out was giving WH the power over my feelings for myself was my fault not his. Yes, if he would of been a better person if he helped me through them, like I feel I would of done. But still that's on me.

Pray and find a way to not just love yourself but also like, YOU no matter what anyone tries to tell you.

I think I expected so much of myself I was so hard on me. Too hard. It was the worst thing I felt I ever been through. I lost family members because I chose not to deal with them because they still welcomed AP. All I can say about that is f@!? Them. And let them eventually lick the spoon they used to stir the pot.

Love yourself my friend and don't forget to like you.


Nothinglefttogive

Posts: 14 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: California
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It had ended already when I found SI...I just did not know it.
The remaining years were a "mopping up" Op.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
MollyJo
♀ Member
Member # 18820
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found SI within 3 or 4 months of Dday, while I was still with my ex, so no. BUT, I think you should know that the "angry robbed stupid" feeling is still with me, on and off, 6 years later. Only it's my WBF that I'm angry with, the fact that he took away the future we'd planned together for nearly 2 decades that I feel robbed about, and stupid because in retrospect, there's no way i didn't "know" on some level.

If I allowed myself to, I'd still be spiraling like you are most of the time. Even though it does NO good--nothing you now WISH you'd done will change what happened--it's hard not to indulge in it.

The thing that helps me stop these thoughts before they literally engulf my whole day is to remember that they're just memories. Those events, vivid as they are, aren't happening in the present. They're blips on a well-worn neural highway. The feelings they still engender are real, but they're reactions to old, old news.

When I find myself going down that path, I just remind myself that the past is in the past, try to be in the present, and tell myself that the future is something to look forward to.

Don't know if that helps, but hope it does.


Me: BS Him: SOB OC born 9/08. We've split up but I still see him every day and the OW occasionally. Lost my whole life because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you are well rid of her but you are allowing her to continue to hurt you and ruin your life. Everyone who has a loss talks about closure and I think we all who have been betrayed think there is a magic day or a magic thing that will give us closure. I no longer think that. There really is never closure from an affair. It is the cruelest betrayal and the best we can do is move on. Whether that is with our WS or without them, there will never be a satisfactory ending to the story like there is in the movies.

The affair had nothing to do with you. It was her weakness and lack of boundaries. Do not let her define your life. Everyone at sometime in their life has been made a fool of. Learn from it, don't let it happen again, and continue to be a decent person.

Karma may deal her a terrible life, who knows. Keep posting and try to let it go.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1320 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
shygirl07
♀ Member
Member # 42972
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey hobbesthetiger,
I started coming on this site 1.5 years AFTER we broke up.. though I should have came on here during the 7 years we were together because he was cheating a lot and I was too stupid to believe it or to see it.. I just simply didnt know this site existed otherwise I would have def been on here .....

sometimes it has stirred up past pain but also it has helped me A TON reading other stories.. we werent married so seeing what could have been makes me step back and realize i should be grateful for what was, atleast we werent married with all the crap i went through.....
dont beat yourself up. betrayal is painful... there is no deadline to healing... sometimes I am fine other times my anger resurfaces. I am angry he :LIED ,cheated, decieved, begged me to stay when he in turn would push me away and leave me when someone from his past finally decided she wanted him ,ETc...its all a time thing .. in time it gets better, slowly... but I am in the same boat as u..discovered this site after we broke up


me:27
him:30
7 years together
no children

OW was his ex he always convinced was his friend .. moved in her and knocked her up , got together behind my back


Ddays : many in 2009 and 2010
final dday : Sept 2012 after being broken up 3 w


Posts: 73 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: CA
Splitter
♂ Member
Member # 43957
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi HobbesTheTiger,

I haven't noticed anyone address your age - mid twenties. This, IMHO, is key to the experiences you are having. At least they were for me. I didn't experience infidelity then, but did have other women-stuff going on that fixated me day in and day out. I think at this age our brains are pouring brain chemicals towards anything to do with sex, so anything you're thinking about that is even remotely connected to sex, gets amplified. It sucks when the thoughts you're having are negative, because then you get hung up on these stupid ideas that impinges your ability to move past the trauma. I'm telling you this in hopes that it might help you distance yourself from the problem a bit. I feel somewhat fortunate to be facing betrayal in my 30s, rather than my 20s, because I think my brain has become a bit more stable (numb?) than it was 5 years ago.

re discovering SI, it was a couple days after busting my ex for the second time. I wish I had found it the first time, but maybe I wasn't ready to face reality then anyways. I come here when I start getting anxiety attacks. I find that sharing and reading here helps dispel those. I treat it like homework.

best of luck.


35 yr old Canadian guy.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Eastern Canada
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your replies, I appreciate them very much!

@MrsDoubtfire:

Thank you so much for those words, you're right about her & counselling. Still, it's sometimes hard to shake the feeling that she only cheated on me and that with a "better" guy, whoever he'll be, she won't cheat... Haha @the pool joke:)

@ButterflyGirl:

Thanks so much for the hug! And you're so to the point about not being able to live in the present! I was searching for a way to phrase this, and you did it splendidly. I'm sorry that you still have to deal with him because of the kids, but I hope that kids bring you lots of joy and happiness! I'm glad that you're fuck-o-meter is broken and that you're feeling better! Did you do anything special to "break" it?:) Kudos for being a fellow C&H fan, that's awesome, always a pleasure to meet one!:)

@Tkfeel:

Thanks for the message! Yes, that quote seems, in retrospect, very spot-on for how she "loved me", and it hurts to know she probably only loved me like that, and not like a true, healthy adult. How did you cope with that realisation?

@SecretsKept:

I'm so sorry for your loss and what you've had to endure in your discovery. I'm at a loss of words, but deeply appreciative for sharing this with me. How did you try/manage to move past it without asking questions of him?

@NoraBird:

Thank you so much for your message! Awesome, thanks for the book recommendations, I shall check them out! I'm sorry you had to endure the additional hardship of a false R, I hope you're feeling better now! Yes, you're right, I have to keep being patient with myself...

@nothinglefttogive:

Thanks for your message. You're right, no amount of reading could have prepared me for this... And you're right about making sure about liking yourself, that has been a very important lesson to learn!

@SadinAZ:

I hope you're not sad anymore:) Thanks for your kind words, you're right, SI has been a blessing and has given me so much and helped me to heal a lot!

@dreamlife:

I'm so sorry to hear that you found out like that, I hope you're feeling better now!

@MollyJo:

Thanks for those wise words, you are right, I should remind myself more often that it's the past, just the past and not the present or the future! It's just so infuriating to think that I never wanted to scream at hear out of respect for her, and now I'll never get the satisfaction of unleasing my hurt and "sharing it with her". I keep thinking I would feel less stupid if I at least told her once in my life how much she hurt me etc. But you're right, I have to teach myself to not get engulfed by this...

@Kansas:

You're right, it's perhaps the worst betrayal, and it's sad that the best we can do is to move on. I so dearly wish to be healed, to feel whole again, not scarred and damaged. Do you feel, as time goes by and you work on yourself, less damaged or scarred? Thanks for your message.

@ShyGirl:

Thanks so much, I'll reply to your PM, thanks for sending it to me, I appreciate it a lot!

Splitter:

Thanks for your message. That's a great point, that I've been hit by this in the middle of my growing up. Uff... I guess it helps and that with time, as my brain matures, it shall become more endurable. Thanks again, and I wish you to feel better too.


Thanks again to each and everyone of you for sharing your thoughts and emotions with me, I appreciate it very much!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 256 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brother,

Like others have said you need to let this one go friend. She isn't worth the shit on your shoes and you are allowing this person to control your life. I'm not sure how old you are and it doesn't matter. You need to get out of this funk right now and go out there and find you a new Tigress. There are so many woman that would love to have someone like you.

I promise you that one day you are going to be thanking God for not answering your prayers at the get go to try and save the relationship that you had.

Join a gym, start training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (My answer to everything)get yourself in shape if you aren't already. Hell if you don't care for that sort of thing just do something crazy for yourself that you've always wanted to do but didn't for one reason or another.

You have to stand up for yourself and cancel this sorry excuse of a woman completely from your life. Imagine the satisfaction one day when you have a hot new number on your arm and your old girl friend happened to see you. You walk by and take no notice of her but she does of you and regrets what she did. You ride off in the sunset while she is wallowing in her broken self.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 617 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you cope with that realisation?

I ended the marriage. I could no longer be intimate and a close companion. I had to protect myself from the constant rejection of being loved like this and not like a man.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 10:07 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]


Posts: 540 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 17

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