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User Topic: I'm bleeding today
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

R has been continuing. Lately, though, I have been cycling back through a lot of hurt. The first antiversary of Dday was this month. I feel like I am staring into the face of some really hard things. I am grieving again.

To my WH, in his mind, I was an acceptable loss.

I feel "not enough."
I feel ugly.
I feel unworthy of respect.
I feel like a second choice to some inwardly rotten waste of space who doesn't deserve the titles of Woman and Mother.
I feel violated.
I feel terrified.
I feel broken.
I feel stupid.

I'm bleeding today


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 514 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
BlueinStLou
♀ Member
Member # 44416
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry. You don't say what your WH's current status is. Is he remorseful? Is his attitude to you different?

If so, you have a lot of things to think about to stop the bleeding.


DDay1 3/26/2014
DDay2 4/15/2014
DDay 3 7/15/2014
DDay 4 8/15/2014

Me BS 40
WH 39

3 Kids, 9, 4 and 1


Posts: 186 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: St Louis MO
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

R is progressing well. He is doing what I ask, he is remorseful, going to IC, owning what he has done, working on him and on us...it's just one of those "yes this really happened, this is my reality" times, you know? These are not things I usually dwell on but it is hitting me hard right now.

It's taken me off guard.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 514 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((iwillNOT)))

I see and feel the pain in your post. You ARE healing.....BECAUSE you are feeling. Find comfort in that.

You are just past a year. The initial shock is wearing off, though I bet you still have moments of disbelief.

You have discovered that the AP was really just a willing body.

You are now starting to realize your husbands decision to chose adultery before lots of other HEALTHY choices was NOT a singular, stand alone destructive choice but a result of a long standing way of "doing life".

It is settling in that your husband has a ton of work to do on himself.....work that he was so NOT driven to do before that he chose adultery over doing even the smallest healthy step such as talking to a pastor or even a solid M-friendly male friend.

You might also be starting to realize just how underinvested your husband was in your pre-A M. ....and just how little you were settling for. Took me about 1.5 years to realize this.....but I have heavy CoD tendencies.


The adultery plus the underinvesting have you LOGICALLY thinking that YOU were a factor in your husbands choices. Sadly, you were not. Had some influence but very little.

This disconnect is occurring because your husbands choices are ILLOGICAL. Coping skills that he uses were developed as a child. They got him through a tough sitch, but much of his logic is "child logic", which is immature at best....and just plain f'ed when it comes to how to interconnect with people.

NOTE: any "connection" he had with OW was surface level at best and most certainly was heavily projected.

You could have been a combination of a Swedish underware model and Margret Thatcher and I would bet my 401k that if you were married to your husband, he would have followed his same path.

Keep the faith. You got this. Your going through hell....keep on going.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a much better place today. Thank God the lows are temporary.

Blakesteele, you are right on, as usual. It helps so much to know others understand just where you are. Your point about the A being a longstanding way of "doing life" resonated with me, it is so true for my WH. Really nothing to do with me at all.

My head knows this, but my heart hasn't caught up yet.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 514 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
SparrowSoul
♀ Member
Member # 44223
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's just one of those "yes this really happened, this is my reality" times, you know?

Man, can I ever sympathize with this. I had one of those days yesterday-- It just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I only felt worse about it the more my WBF tried to help. He kept asking what he could do, and finally, the best I could do to break it down for him was "I just don't want this to be my life."

It's so hard when those times hit, but you've got to ride it out. It won't last forever, it can't. The truth of it will, sure, but not that sharp, intense, unreal pain that you're fighting against now.

As ever, it seems that BlakeSteele has some excellent words of wisdom to offer-- I'll be re-reading that response for a while, myself, I think.


Me: BGF, 29
Him: WBF, 35 (RMarred)
D-Day: 7/5/2014, seared into my memory like a brand.

"Dum spiro, spero." - "While I breathe, I hope."
The cure to all of life's problems is salt water; Sweat, tears, or the Sea.


Posts: 131 | Registered: Jul 2014
Toffie
♀ New Member
Member # 44463
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your not alone, I know the feeling I have been going not to bad but the last two nights for about half an hour it hits me and I just want it all to be gone, feel like I can't do it, come morning all will be good again


BW 37
WH 39
Married 12yrs
3 children under 10

DD 18/01/14


Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Australia
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My head knows this, but my heart hasn't caught up yet.

The longest journey a man will ever go on is the one between his heart and his mind.

During many of our childhoods there was something that came between our hearts and minds. It is almost always a heart wound. Wife experienced this...as did I.

We then chose to wall off our hearts and live almost exclusively in our minds. Emotional and spiritual growth was stunted and/or stopped completely.

NOW....we are faced with the choice to continue to accept this way of life and the harvests associated with it....or we can lower the walls and change.

Lowering the walls is hard. We are doing it but as we do we not only see the wounds we pretended weren't there....we also see just how immature and weak we actually are with regards to emotional and spiritual components of our character.

We have hope that we can grow and strengthen this....but it hurts to do so.

Our familiar coping mechs that kept pain hidden from our lives are no more....so the pain is intense!

But this CAN be done. It is what we are called to do.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 8

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