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User Topic: how well do the WS really know BS-WS welcome
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking that pulling a list of questions to have WS answer about me and vice versa would be a possible indicator of where we're at in the "knowing each other" process. I felt we knew each other, but now see it as horribly incorrect. I was thinking of:

1. What is my favorite movie?
2. What is my favorite meal?
3. What is my favorite restaurant?
4. What is my favorite sport?

and so on...

Anybody ever do this and anybody have more questions? These seem like questions we should know the answer to about each other, but I bet he has no clue on any of the ones I've listed because he doesn't listen to me.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want...I have no idea

Posts: 1134 | Registered: Dec 2013
Feelthrownaway
♀ Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1- what is my dream vacation?
2- what is my favorite thing to do?


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1098 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We made this into a game at my bridal shower. He was about 90% accurate. Whole lot of good that did us.

Favorite book
Favorite food
Favorite meal
What would she bring to a deserted island
Favorite place


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 616 | Registered: May 2014
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What brings me peace.
What place have I always wanted to visit
What's my favorite animal
What am I passionate about


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5172 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
imagoodwitch
♀ Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We did this after DDay.

He really didn't/doesn't know me. It was messed up, some of the things I shared he didn't believe He was super foggy when we did it.

Just like I thought he was someone else, he thought the same about me.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5461 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm compiling a list to present to him to see how well he knows me. He can do the same with me if he chooses. I'll present results later. We do have a NICU newborn, so it may take me a bit to do this.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want...I have no idea

Posts: 1134 | Registered: Dec 2013
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about:

What are my beliefs about truth, honesty, commitment and loyalty?


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 963 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
holesinmybucket
♀ New Member
Member # 43621
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deena04, Great idea, if you find that you really do not know each other well..this would be a great way to start getting to know each other in a deep and profound way. Time and experience, can really change people, so this could be a great tool to continue down the road.

My FWH and I made a game out of this, also. For us, this test showed how much he knew about me. However, what he came to realize is just how much he did not know about himself. For an example, when asked about his favorite color, he came to realize he did not have one. He never truly established his own preferences, just kind of floated through life.

Great idea and thanks for sharing


me:BW 37
him:WH 37 (Dr. Jekyll)
DDay: 1/1/14
Whole truth:March 7th 14

DS 14 DS 10 DD 8
They are the sun that shine through any storm.

Love is not given away, but shared
When you have lost what matters.. what do you have left to loose?


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2014
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the best way to show me love?

I asked this question of WW. Her answer was completely wrong. And no, she had never thought about it.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 276 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a really good point, because some WSs, as a part of the building-to-infidelity phenomenon, do a significant history rewrite, casting the BS as a character who only exists in the WS's mind.

My WS was so intent on making me someone I wasn't that he had no time or inclination to know who I was---for years and years.

It's really hard to learn that you're not only married to a stranger, but to a stranger who cultivated a very distorted perception of you to justify his actions.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8888 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't answer many of these questions about my W....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10431 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm looking at it as a growth tool. We either grow together and learn these things we may not know or separate and know we didn't really know each other. Either way it will be an experience.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want...I have no idea

Posts: 1134 | Registered: Dec 2013
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like the ability to answer these questions is somewhat useless- does my favorite color/pizza topping/ice cream flavor matter at all to who I am? The things I would want to ask to prove he knows me are things that can't really be phrased as a question, nor is the answer something you could fit into a sentence.

Doesn't mean the exercise wouldn't be entertaining and potentially bonding though.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 616 | Registered: May 2014
cissie
♀ Member
Member # 17637
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH knows nothing about me at all.

He thinks I should like what he likes and do things he likes to do.


Posts: 550 | Registered: Jan 2008
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Irish only to a point: it's useless if the questions aren't really the things you need to know. I would want to know things like:
1. What do you like the most about me?
2. What bothers you the most about me? (WS be honest and BS listen to answer!)
3. Where do you think I want to be in 5 years?
4. Where do you want to be in 5 years?
5. What do you think is important to me about our marriage?
6. What do you think you do that means the most to me?
7. What things could I do that you would like and would make you happy?
8. What do you like about being married?

Etc. I think there are a lot more things like this that would be helpful to understanding each other.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
Imissmyhusb
♀ Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I askd WH if he knew what time of the month my cycle started. He wasnt sure but guessd pretty close based on another past discussion of it.
I thought that was somthg he really shld know off the bat. I mean he has to know its comg evry month right? If it doesnt we hav other thgs to discuss It (my cycle) has crossed his path at regular intervals for umpteen yrs - less/no sex, my mood chng, etc. so its not like its just happeng to me. But alas, it was just happeng to me. He didnt really know. I was way off his radar by the time i askd him.



Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 270 | Registered: Mar 2014
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man. I tried something similar and it blew up on me, so I want to caution you.

This February we were 9 months past dday and I had gotten the idea from SI. A BW asked her husband to write 100 things down that he loved about her. I asked my WH to do the same. He could email me one a day or write them down and put them in a jar and I could pick one out when I needed one. WH is a writer, so I thought this would be easy and natural for him.

Well, let's just say it wasn't pretty. WH stressed out about it and become completely overwhelmed. He didn't even write ONE down by the time vday came around. I was hurt that he couldn't even come up with one thing he loved about me!? So we removed the deadline and reduced it to TEN things. Well, it has been six months since vday and I think I have received five total emails. It is still a sore spot for me.

So be careful. Also, maybe take a second and step back and figure out what you really want from him and figure out why you want to do this. If it goes awry, will it end up being more ammo to prove he knows nothing about you or that he should know more about you? Even if he aces it, will you feel any better?

If I were to do some sort of exercise again, I would ask him one question a week or so that doesn't have a right or wrong answer. Also, I would ask him to write it in a letter format. For example:
-Tell me three things you like about me? Please explain in detail.
-When did you know that you loved me? Tell me your love story.
-How do you envision our future? How do you see us when we are retired and the kids are out of the house?
-What job would I be good at and why?

Edited to add more clarity

[This message edited by ILINIA at 9:06 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 501 | Registered: Jul 2013
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the type of stuff we did when were dating. I know he knows all this about me. He knows EVERYTHING about me. And I mean everything. Yes, bold print.

Someone who wouldn't listen and share would never last with me. Why wouldn't you want to know everything about the person you planned to marry? That to me is a red flag.

My husband shared with me and shared a lot. But he did hold back a few things. Oh wow, I know them now. He never gave the indication that he was holding back or I would have been all over that.

Some ones we did were.

1. What's your biggest regret?
2. When do you feel most satisfied?
3. How would having your dream job make you feel?
4. After you pass, what would you want people to say about you?
5. What's your biggest fear?
6. What are your pet peeves?
7. When were you most proud of yourself?
8. What material item means the most to you and why?
9. Who did you admire as a child and why?
10. What embarrasses you?

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 11:56 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2022 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my WW knows all those things about me.

BUT

Knowing these things does not mean she gives a damn about me.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
DMS88
♀ Member
Member # 13461
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. What is my favorite movie?
2. What is my favorite meal?
3. What is my favorite restaurant?
4. What is my favorite sport?

I hate to say it...but I don't think I could answer those questions about my WH and I've known him for thirty years. I think he could probably answer them about me because I am a bit obsessive about some things, but for him there are probably a dozen movies and meals he likes and we rarely go to restaurants, so I would have to guess the one we do go to occasionally...and that was only because it was across from where I worked. I think his favorite sport is NASCAR, but football may be tied for that.

ACK! Does that mean I was a bad wife? Or he is just not very open and talkative?

Maybe we shouldn't judge WS's too harshly because the answers to those specific questions might change over the years.

[This message edited by DMS88 at 12:25 AM, August 21st (Thursday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS
Discovered the affair: 4 Jan '07. It started in March '06.
Second D-Day 9 October 2007 (same woman). Moved and affair ended.
Currently separated because of his alcohol addiction and boundary issues.

Posts: 1783 | Registered: Jan 2007
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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