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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Affair season and anti-versary coming up...help
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much, sisoon. You are right. The realization that there is very likely still more she is keeping from me is scary. Knowing her, knowing she is capable of lying both snout what happened and about her understanding if how damaging TR is feeds my fear. I know that what she is most likely to hold back are things that she is certain will hurt me enough to cause me to leave. She's said in MC that she is still in constant fear that I will decide it's too much. That motivation alone scares me. And the times she has revealed (remembered?) more are times when she's angry enough not to care how I respond. Yes, it's all fear.

The biggest fear is that I will have to leave. Because of the continued lies more than anything. How could I resolve a decision to stay at this point if there are more? Especially if she fails the poly. I want to strongly declare thatching she fails to poly it won't matter what the truth is, because the basic truth is that she continued to disrespect me, herself and our relationship by continuing to lie. But I don't want to leave. I don't want anyone else. I want her. The genuine and honest her. But that's clearly not what I'll be getting if I stay after she's lied again. And again. And again. Right? Ugh.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 701 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pp,

You know she's holding back. You just don't know what it is. If she's holding back stuff that you won't accept, though, why would you want to stay anyway? You deserve to treat yourself better than that.

No matter what she reveals, you can hear it and hold your head high. Sure, you're angry, sad, and scared about her disrespect for you, but she - not you - effed-up, by not being respectful.

You can make your own choice about staying or leaving. If she's changes herself from cheater to good partner, from liar to truth-teller, the past won't be repeated. It really will be the past.

It's the bottom of the 9th, 2 outs, and you're down a run, you're on base, and your WS is at bat. You haven't lost yet. If WS steps up and you keep yourself protected, you can still win.

But relax - you don't control the outcome.

Um...gently, why the poly? That's all about a few yes/no answers. What you really need is her true story, and that's going to be long, drawn out, and the opposite of yes/no.

You need to talk with her face to face, with an objective observer who will support both of you, over several sessions, to get her story.

I think there's a good chance the poly will not get you what you want.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't get her to even admit there's more, much less come clean. If there is no more, then the poly will help me accept that. My guess is the sane that happens with others will happen here, a parking lot confession. Even if that doesn't happen, if she fails I'll be better able to move on. What makes you think it won't?


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 701 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really going to go out on a limb here and risk getting shot down in flames but it feels like I am reading my own story and I finally got somewhere with my fwh who was hiding facts from me.

I tried everything to get him to tell the truth. He admitted to 95% of it but for some reason decided I didn't need to know everything. The stuff he held back just showed how he really was a willing participant, even pursuer, in the A. I guess that's why he held it back. He liked to blame her.

Anyway, there were some thing that he kept from me. I knew there was more in my gut but I couldn't get him to open up. He kept swearing I knew it all. It drove me virtually insane. It was cruel and unnecessary. I couldn't understand.

Then I put myself in his shoes.

I am NOT blaming myself here, and I am NOT suggesting you react how I did. I just want to share what's working for us.

I realised how it must feel to be him. Facing the agony on your partner's face knowing you caused that pain. The fear that if you spill the beans you could very well lose them. I never reacted well. I would freak out at every revelation so I took a step back.

First I offered him an amnesty, I knew he was lying about a village cash withdrawal so I gave him a 24 hour amnesty to tell me anything and everything. I did freak out while I was waiting but I did that mostly on here and when he told me i had decided to stay as calm as i could so he would open up. He confessed to meeting her two other times at her second job in a pub. He was a mess when he told me. He said he was so scared his lies were going to cost him his marriage and the longer it went on the harder it was to tell me.

So then I had a think. I realised I wasn't going to stick to my vow that any more lies would make me leave. Instead I told him that I loved him so much almost nothing he could say would make me leave. I had seen enough changes in him over the past year to know he was still the man for me and that I could see our bright future now he was being honest.

I knew there was a chance there was more so I told him, look I know you had sex, what else is there that could make me leave? if you cheated before, I would cope, if you had sex more than once, I would cope. I have seen how this A has changed you and the man you're becoming. I want to be with that man but only if you're completely honest. There really is no point in lying, you're not protecting anyone.

I then said if he remembered anything else to come to me. I asked him to write a timeline. He had started one reluctantly ages ago but never finished it. This time he was keen. He has been working on it every day in his lunch hour at work. It's not just a timeline though. He has responded really well and written a full account. His feelings, justifications, the works. He is getting it all out now.

A couple more minor things have come up as writing the account has jogged his memory. I am confident now that I have the truth, finally.... my gut is quiet and a strange but great thing is happening. I am feeling more secure, the affair is moving into the background naturally in my head, we are getting closer.

So, if you really want to stay no matter what maybe try telling her she is safe to share anything with you, that you understand how hard it is to be honest after lying for so long.

Really different to the usual advice but maybe worth a go.

Take this with a huge pinch of salt if it sounds all wrong to you, just cos it was right for us doesn't mean it will be for you but I thought I would take a big risk on going against the grain and share it with you.

Also, on the poly, I decided against it cos I need to be able to trust him in time cos I can't do a poly every time I doubt him. Also cos say for example I asked, have you told me the whole truth about the affair? And he failed, he would confess to some minor thing and then I would want to re test to check again. we don't have that sort of money so I went with the 'save environment to confess' plan.

I am so nervous writing this cos I know it's a bit of an out there idea and will only really be of any use if you would stay virtually no matter what and possibly if you also get very upset by revelations. I don't know.

Just my thoughts

ETA - it helps that this is the only thing he has ever really lied about. He was a really honest guy before cheating. So I am fairly confident the affair made him a liar and he's not a liar by nature.

Also since the confessions and writing his account a strange thing has happened. I feel lots better and ready to move forward BUT he is more emotional, easily crying and being quite clingy. I think it's made him face what he really did and not the version he told me. I think in the long run this will be good for us.

[This message edited by olwen at 12:08 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Olwen,

Thank you so much for your perspective. I tried that over and over again. It never worked. Im in awe if it and I don't think it's that far out there. I've read others stories where it worked. I'm just at a loss. She acts like I'm crazy when I tell her I know there is more. Like I'm being difficult or unreasonable. It's maddening. It will make me leave because I can't live cycling through crazy this way.

I had the same thoughts about the poly. Many have found relief from it because their WS passed. I really don't believe mine will, which is why I haven't done it. I have to be prepared to leave if she fails. Because if she fails the first one I'm not paying another. And the pain of the disrespect by continued lying and telling me I'm crazy would ruin all we've worked to build for a year. I'm just at a huge loss. I KNOW she's holding back. I don't know what. And she refuses to tell me. Maybe I just move on until I feel secure?

anyway, thank you.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 701 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aw that's such a shame, I was hoping it might help. I really can't think of anything else, you seem to have tried so much.

I tried to let it go but without the facts I couldn't.

Hope someone else will be back with fresh ideas and insight for you.

will be thinking of you, it's not a nice position to be in I know.

ETA - I really should read every response in a thread before responding myself, I see you got virtually the same response already. Sorry for that

I think the only thing I did differently was not to give him a deadline in the end. I left it open, if you remember anything else just come to me. We dropped the term trickle truth cos it just discouraged him from coming back to me with more. He felt if he hadn't spat it all out then he couldn't come back with more if that makes sense.

[This message edited by olwen at 12:33 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - 2X4-ish - so what if she passes or fails? You already know she isn't being honest.

If she passes, your gut won't - or shouldn't - accept it. If she fails, she could for so for reasons that range from trivial to definite deal breaker, but the poly won't tell you which. You'll still be left in limbo WRT stay or go.

For your own sake, you've got to talk with your WS, and you've got to be ready to send her away if she won't come clean. Call it your new boundary, or just call it an ultimatum. You don't have to like doing this; neither does your WS. I just don't think you can feel safe or happy unless you do it.

How will you know if she comes clean? My bet is that your gut will tell you.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:11 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damnit sisoon. You always say what I would to someone else. It's so hard to believe your feeling over something tangible when it comes right down to it. Especially when you are being fed just enough of what you can handle with what you want to believe.

My gut screams when she goes through phases of being defensive. Then I'm reminded I had to pull teeth. Then I'm reminded she keeps telling me she forgets the worst parts. Ugh.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 701 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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