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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My bad behavior - as a BS
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone in well into R, ever feel really, really badly for their behaviors during the first year or so after the A came out.

I know I do. I really said mean, nasty things to hurt FWH and continued to throw the A in his face for a long time.

I really regret those things, now. It's weird, but I do feel blessed that he stuck with me. I put this man through hell and our R wasn't really about healing the M, more like a bootcamp to break him.

Think about that. I tried to break this man.

That's pretty mean.

Thoughts?


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. In an emotional state we all do and say things we would never contemplate during rational thinking. The fact is that you were coping the best you could. You were feeling intense pain and you needed him to feel it too. But you are right, it isn't good or productive behavior. When we know better we do better. Be better now and stop beating either if you up!! :)

[This message edited by BlueBlueEyes at 12:12 PM, August 15th (Friday)]


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be better now and stop beating either if you up!! :)

Thank you for that


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
Healinggirl
♀ Member
Member # 39747
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. Been there, done that. Realised he must really love me if he took all that and stayed!


Me 58
WS 58 Sexually abused as a boy
OW Prostitutes in double figures
OW Home wrecking, work-shy, gold-digging secondary abuser

D Day 11 November 2012
Reconciling

You can't scale a mountain in a single step


Posts: 145 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I don't feel bad for anything I did or said. I was a mess, I was broken, and he broke me. However, I wasn't one to constantly harp on it, but sometimes a smartass or sarcastic remark (imagine that) escaped my mind and came out my mouth. Yes, it did hurt FWH. Especially if he wasn't expecting it and it seemed like it came out of left field. Gotta love those triggers!

It is stage in the healing journey of a BS. It takes a really remorseful and committed WS to put up with it and to accept that this is a consequence of the damage/pain they have caused us.

I didn't try to break my FWH. I just needed to let my feelings/thoughts be known to him.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I wanted to expose the AP, I knew that I would be exposing him too and that at some point, we would see all of these people. I believed that was not conducive to R. Guess it was a moment of clarity.

I don't feel badly about what I said in the first few months. I have never spoken to anyone like that in my life. Then again, I had never been betrayed like that before in my life.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2610 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Realised he must really love me if he took all that and stayed!

I think part of my really intense outbursts toward my H involved some of this too, at least at first. I needed proof that he loved me. I couldn't believe his words so I watched his actions. Him "taking it" showed me that I was important to him. Not sure that's the healthiest logic, but what can I say?


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jan 2014
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not in R-actually, divorced-but yes, I go regret a lot of my behavior. I lost myself in all of the turmoil and did things that horrify me today. Just like he allowed himself to cheat, I allowed myself to become a maniac, all under the guise of "he did this to me!"

I'm shocked that I didn't lose my job. I cringe when I think of some of the things I said and did without remorse. However, I've forgiven myself, and I've accepted what has happened and moved on. I hope you can get to that point.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20453 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone in well into R, ever feel really, really badly for their behaviors during the first year or so after the A came out.
Does yesterday count?

We had an argument and I was mad and hurt. On my way out the door to work I wished him a happy anniversary. It wasn't our wedding anniversary, it was the first anniversary of Dday. As I so eloquently reminded him "The day you fing blew up my world"

I needed proof that he loved me. I couldn't believe his words so I watched his actions. Him "taking it" showed me that I was important to him.

I'm right beside you here. I realized that I was testing him to see if he would work through this with me like he promised.

It's not healthy or productive, but I'm learning...

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 1:28 PM, August 15th (Friday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 344 | Registered: Sep 2013
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In 3 months since DD I have been an emotional wreck and do dig at WS quite a lot. Obviously since my situation is different in that WS still lying and denying, he has just said he will accept all the digs and goes at him for as long as it goes on, he deserves it.

However, what I am feeling guilty about is my messing him about, keep changing my mind. Two days ago I said I would leave if he lied, he continued to lie and I said I'd stay. Now he says he is not convinced I am staying and I said I would. Today I am thinking it just won't work and I will have to leave.

But I think it is true - if WS can take it, then he must love you, Nokidding, otherwise it would surely be easier to just leave.


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God forgive me, I have plenty of regrets and they didnt only happen in the first year.

Doesnt matter now though.

As Blueblueeyes says, now that I'm better, I'll do better.

Took me a longgggggggg time to get there though.

Its ok nokidding, we can only move forward as better people.

And the lessons we have all learned are all only bound to make us so.


Posts: 684 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 4+years out from DDay. Truthfully, no I don't feel bad for things I said and did.

I finally found my voice with him - you'd think after 37 years of marriage I could express my feelings to him but I realized I really never did - not the angry ones anyway. I spent years holding back and its not that he was so awful all those years - it was just that *I* was always keeping the peace and what it ended up doing was causing me to resent him.

So - when everything came out - we were essentially fighting about things that had been brewing for years!

I finally owned how I felt and it was like a burden was lifted off me - no more nice girl - it was OK to be angry, hurt, etc.

So - it was all jumbled up - long ago hurts were resurfacing along with the new ones he brought to our marriage by having an affair.

Oh, the things I did and said! It was like watching myself from afar - who was this person screaming obscenities and breaking things and saying just the most awful horrible things.

Out of that - I learned to really speak up for myself in a mature manner - no more screaming, etc., instead speaking my honestly, clearly and articulately. But it was a process and it was several months before I got there - and even today I have to remember how I feel is important, important enough to talk about.

And really, after what he put me through, TTing, lying, breaking NC - he deserved it! So, no I have ZERO regrets.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Nov 2007
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt like this for a while, but not anymore. When I compare the things I said or did to the things he said or did, there's no contest. Do I want to be on that level? Nope, but feel bad? No, not worth it.

I have a theory that we BSs often act out in truly awful, aggressive and cruel ways as a test. It's not intentional, but I think it happens. I think we are so shaken, so untrusting, that we do everything we can do to make them prove that they're in it for real. Asking them if they are in it for real does nothing for us or our sense of security. After all, if they could lie to us about having an AP, they could most definitely lie about wanting to be in the marriage and being willing to do whatever it takes. So we push and push and push. It gets out some of our hurt, no doubt, but it also turns us into someone's worst nightmare. Happy one minute, sad the next, raging and insane the next. And yet the WS stays - or doesn't.

Just a theory. Don't beat yourself up. What happened happened, and it wouldn't have happened if you weren't attacked from within your own marriage.

BSs break, and have no idea how to put themselves back together. The person that broke them is standing right in front of them. Honestly, on some level, aggression should be expected.

EDIT: Please note, aggression does not equal violence. Thanks

[This message edited by painfulpast at 2:20 PM, August 15th (Friday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes.

I can be very mouthy and sarcastic, and mean things will come out sometimes before I censor them correctly.

Its better now than a couple months ago, but the really bad comments appear in my head still. I hope that continues to improve.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 255 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can be very mouthy and sarcastic, and mean things will come out sometimes before I censor them correctly.


Yeah, not one of my better points.

I'm shocked that I didn't lose my job

Let's just say, I could have done a much better job than cruising SI for 8 hours a day. Fucking shamlessly.

I cringe when I think of some of the things I said and did without remorse.

Like total cringe worthy, pit in your stomach, shameful stuff. So yea, I get that too.

Him "taking it" showed me that I was important to him. Not sure that's the healthiest logic, but what can I say?

So sickeningly true.


However, I've forgiven myself, and I've accepted what has happened and moved on. I hope you can get to that point.

So that is what this whole process had been for me recently. I disappear from SI for, like 3 years, and reappear with all this.

Forgiveness. I thought it was for him, and it is. But now, it's really about me. That's kinda sad.

As always, SI saves the day for me. Thanks to all!!!!


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
nokidding
♀ Member
Member # 16242
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

attacked from within your own marriage.


That is an excellent quote. It's funny, I started by writing out some of my behavior for everyone to get a sense of how vicious I was. But I just couldn't relay the right message, so I just kept deleting.

Since this was an LTA with my former bff, there was some serious pent up aggression on my part.

But what I wrote first was that I felt like a caged, abused, animal. And when I got let out of the cage, I was rabid.

Let's just say, the 180 was not difficult for me and I had already started it before I even found SI.


Fuck Barbie....and her shoes.

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: SE PA
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I would have puffy eyes at work at least once a week. I was tortured so I tortured him to ease the pain. I would lash out and then apologize for being so vile. I understand exactly what you are going through.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1474 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
ReconcilingWife
♀ Member
Member # 44420
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have said AWFUL things. Just awful. I'm 11 weeks out from D-day and I am generally better than in the first couple of weeks. But this has been a rough week (our wedding anniversary, contact from OW, me seeing her for the first time since D-day, etc.) and I've certainly had a mouth on me the last couple of days.

I don't regret it at all (for all the reasons the other non-regretters have listed), but I did find it reassuring to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair--she said that is very normal, very natural--and the WS's fault.


Me: BS, 41
Him: WS, 47
DD: May 30, 2014 (2 month affair)

Married 13 years
2 children

Trying to reconcile


Posts: 301 | Registered: Aug 2014
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still inside of that first year, and said something I shouldn't have as recently as a couple weeks ago. Here is the thing, it's okay to feel bad about them. A little guilt can be healthy and can be a powerful motivator to do better. Use it as a driving force to better yourself, but you have to move on from it. To still feel bad an bring yourself down years later simply isn't productive.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 546 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH told me something his new counselor shared with him about anger. He said the two genders use anger differently.

Men use anger as part of a fight or flight response. They are willing to fight, even if it's just verbally. When that happens, winning is usually a goal.

Women use anger to get attention. Like hello I'm hurting over here.I keep telling you this but you aren't understanding so now I will get angry. It's like making your verbal words be bold type.

When my wh wasn't hearing me I tried all sorts of things to jolt him into reality. I tried being sad, being angry, begging, bargaining, demanding, threatening, asking, pleading, stating, you name it. Nothing worked.

The things I said and did are mine to own. They were however a reflection of how I was being treated. When he wasn't playing games with me, I wasn't playing games with him. I didn't start fights just to fight and I didn't twist things to get my way.

I don't know if any of that might have been true for anyone else but I just wanted to share.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2397 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
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