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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When does it end?
blindedbylove715
♀ New Member
Member # 44527
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may be NC to this website but I am not stranger to my WS and his actions. For the 6 years that I've known him, I've known somewhat about his sexual addictio but its only escalated. At times I thought and believed whole heartedly that he had stopped but I was always wrong. I recently became pregnant and he was so happy and wants to be with me and I know he loves me unconditionally but he has a craigslist problem. He answers ads and meets up with both men and women, sometimes couples. When I first found out about it he was claimed he wasn't meeting up with people but years later I've discovered that isn't the case. I don't want to raise my child in that environment but I also don't want to break up my family. We have been through so much together and he says he wants to stop and is willing to seek help, I'm just much more distraught this time around because I really thought it was over. I don't know the exact number of times he's cheated but I don't think that really matters. I really want to give him this chance to seek counseling and options for himself but its not just about my feelings anymore I have to think about my unborn child. I feel more lost and confused then ever. Sorry for the scattered posts. Just a lot going through my head.

[This message edited by blindedbylove715 at 11:37 AM, August 15th (Friday)]


Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you have a spouse who can't be faithful. From what you mentioned it seems like sex addiction is possible.

There will be others along with experience but everything I've read here in regards to sex addicts is that this never stops.

It may be best that you leave to protect yourself and your unborn child.

I'm sorry. This is incredibly painful.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
blindedbylove715
♀ New Member
Member # 44527
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is I know he wants it to stop because he's so remorseful and really wants to change and be a good partner and father. We had a long talk last night and he completely broke down, he comes from abuse as a child and has a lot of painful repressed memories that I know are the cause of his actions which is why I want to stick it out. He is going to start therapy soon and he knows that this is his last chance to do anything before I leave him for good. So we will see. I know it won't change overnight and relaspe is possible but coming from an alcoholic mother I know people can change.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome - You sound like you are in quite the situation.

First things first, if your partner has been having random hook ups with CL ads then you and he both need to go straight to the Dr's office, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Go there and get tested for every communicable disease they can test for. You need HIV, Hepatitis, and all the STD's. Plus whatever else they can test for that may effect your unborn baby.
I don't care if he said he used protection. He didn't at some point. I guarantee it.

Next you need to stop listening to the sounds that come out his mouth, that is just noise. You need to start listening to his actions. He wants help and needs help. Did he call anyone today and get into see someone ASAP? If not then he isn't serious. You are setting yourself up for a life full of anguish. I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to think long and hard what this man in his current state can give you in his role as a partner, and a father.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
blindedbylove715
♀ New Member
Member # 44527
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have appointments Monday to get tested, he called a therapist this morning to set up an appointment but he needs to fill out his insurance paperwork at work to see if they will cover it. I told him its doesn't matter if he talks the talk he has to put things into motion or I'm leaving.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the man basically needs to be under your full control, anything short will be opportunity for failure, will he be willing to endure such control and will you be willing to be the marriage cop forever...yes, FOREVER! Any slip up is betrayal for you to eat. Think hard about this and about the chance that you could get HIV, HCV, HBV, (insert any STD name)..and that could cost you YOUR life and you have to care for those children.

Think about it. Respectfully, STEP.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
blindedbylove715
♀ New Member
Member # 44527
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I should have to be a marriage cop, while sex addiction is different then alcohol or drugs its still and addiction and you wouldn't hover over someone with that kind of problem. I don't think hover over his every movement would be helpful to the situation at all. I thought this would be supportive but I feel very judged so far.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I agree you don't need to be the Porn police or CL monitor, I do think removing the temptation out of your home would be helpful for the time being. This would include getting rid of a smart phone for him.

Remove the temptation until he starts to get a handle on things. Just like a wife of an alcoholic will pout out all the booze when they say they want to stop drinking.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Brentwood
♀ Member
Member # 27465
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey bbl, just wanted you to know you are being heard but definitely not being judged. Not here. Never here. This is a safe place but not necessarily a fun place. Honesty and accountability are pretty big around here. It comes from caring.

It sounds like you've had a lot of experience with dysfunction, addiction, believing lies, etc. I know very well how easy it is to want to 'fix' the problems of others. I'm co-d so I used to think it was my job to take care of everyone else and make sure they're getting what they need. Sounds like you take that responsibility too. And it's understandable coming from a childhood with an alcoholic parent.

Everyone on this site has your best interest at heart. But it sure is hard sometimes to hear constructive 'criticism' that we all need to hear but don't want to hear! Don't go away. Let the people here help you. Listen to the advice given to you based on their experience, analyze the rest and discard what's not useful to you.


Me BW (59) What?!?!
Him BH (59)

Posts: 168 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: S. California
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. It's not our intention to push you away or judge you. It just seems as if you don't know what you are truly up against with a sex addict.

Almost all of us wanted R. And most ws said they wanted it to but they don't behave as if they do. That's what the noise comment was about.

What he says doesn't matter, it's what he does.

The appointment for the dr is good. Your obgyn needs to know about this too. It's extremely dangerous for your baby.

It's great he's working on a therapist too but don't let that slide, not the tiniest bit. He should also get in with a certified sex addiction therapist.

Please read the healing library in the upper left hand corner. Read through threads on all the forums. Seeing what other people are going through will help you deal with your own pain.

Also in the I Can Relate section is a thread on sex addicts. It would be a good idea to read that whole thing.

Sex addiction can be really scary. It seems to be much different than alcohol or drug addiction. You will see examples of why people say you'll need to be the cop in the marriage. It takes tremendous effort and consistency from your ws, too many can't do it. It is a lifelong struggle.

They don't say it to judge you, it's a warning of what's to come. Please don't shut those warnings out. Nobody wants to face that kind of realization but denying it because it's too painful is like signing yourself up for more pain.

First things first though. He needs to get in an be evaluated for sex addiction. You need some support for your pain.

I'm sorry you are here. Please stay. We can help.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
blindedbylove715
♀ New Member
Member # 44527
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has never had support from anyone which is why I push so hard to help, his family has abandoned him from a young age and he doesn't even know where to start when it comes to getting help. I've given him several websites and resources and he is looking into them. I think its more of a fear of what he might discover about himself then him not wanting to stop or being too far gone. I have no where else to go I'm pretty much alone in all this so I will not be leaving but part of me feels better that its just random one time things instead of 1 ongoing person because he's not having an EA. He is a very sweet person and caring and very loving. He has helped me through many hard times I've had in the last 6 years. He just has some wires crossed in his head that he needs to fix. He doesn't hurt me on purpose, he's just messed up. I understand that there are triggers that need to be removed but I also don't want him to feel as though he's being constantly monitored. He's an adult. I know the risks that he is putting me through when it comes to STDs and I've told him that he could harm the baby like that as well and he lost it and cried because he didn't even realize that and I know that sounds like a cop out but some people don't think their actions through. I know part of the reason he does what he does is his constant need for attention because he never got any as a child but I also know that he was sexually abused as a child as well. We have found a sex therapist that he has called that does individual and couples sessions. He has said himself that he wishes it was as easy as just not doing it but he doesn't know his triggers or why exactly he even does it and maybe I'm stupid for believing him when he says that but I do. I know its going to be a long battle and I wish that the baby wasn't going to be apart of it but I'm already 13 weeks and can't abort . I'm very codependent and I'm working on getting myself help for that. But I don't want to give up hope that he could get better

Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok but he doesn't get it both ways. Either he's like a child and can't help himself seek out healthy support or he's an adult that doesn't need a babysitter. It can't be both. That's your codependency talking.

For your safety and because he does need help, you do need to monitor him. That's not just because of the sex addicts thing. That's because he has proven he can't be trusted to monitor himself. That a rule for all cheating spouses.

If you are unwilling to do that, you aren't going to like any of the "rules" for healing. If you can't follow the new changes that need to happen you can forget him following them.


Trusting him is not smart right now. You do have someone else to think about, your baby. You would be knowingly putting your baby in harms way to trust him now. You can't half ass your commitment to healing and expect him to not do the same thing.


Please reconsider this point. He has proven he can't be trusted. Betrayed spouses have a fog they enter too. Make sure your pain, discomfort, and desire for all of this to just go away doesn't allow you to make unwise decisions that will effect you and your baby.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 3:41 PM, August 15th (Friday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 12

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