Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: KAG1340 (44950)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Blood on my hands?
utterly broken
♂ Member
Member # 25005
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been a while since I've been here. I'm just over 5 years from DD#1 & just over 3 years from the trust destroying DD#3. We're still together but my patience is nearly gone. And now there's this.

After DD#3 I felt I had to let OM's wife know what happened. I live half way across the country so I mailed a certified letter to the address I snooped up. The signature I got back seemed a bit mannish & my WW agreed that it might be OM's writing. I then sent a series of identical letters every day for a week figuring one had to reach OM's wife. I gave my contact info in the letters but never heard from her. This all took place in the summer of 2011.

A couple days ago my WW came home from working her night shift & asked if I'd sent her another letter. I'd often wondered if OM's wife ever got the message & even considered sending another letter within the last couple weeks.

I asked why she wanted to know & she dropped this bomb on me. The OM's wife is the woman who was arrested for killing her 2 year old and slashing her 13 year old in Oregon this past weekend. Horrifying.

I'm just trying to process this nightmare. Was my WW implying that it was my fault? Do I deserve to share any blame? Did I do the wrong thing in writing OM's wife about the affair? What an awful mess this is.


BH (me) 44 yrs
WW 42 yrs
Together over 23 yrs
Married Aug 1994
Two boys 18 and 12 yrs
D-Day 1 June 11, 2009
D-Day 2 Aug 6, 2009
TT Summer 2010?
D-Day 3 April 19, 2011
Separated (in-house) Aug 23, 2014
R???

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: ND
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can not take the blame for this. It has been 3 years since you sent the letters. She is responsible for her actions. You have no idea what has been going on during all this time.

It is a very sad case but IMO you don't own any part of this.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6583 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is an awful mess but you are not responsible for her actions. I imagine you feel bad and that's understandable but this didn't have anything to do with you.

Playing devil's advocate, have you verified that this WAS the same woman? I wouldn't trust an unremorseful wayward.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
utterly broken
♂ Member
Member # 25005
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm fairly certain it's the same woman. The names and addresses in the news reports are all the same as the info I discovered 3 years ago.


BH (me) 44 yrs
WW 42 yrs
Together over 23 yrs
Married Aug 1994
Two boys 18 and 12 yrs
D-Day 1 June 11, 2009
D-Day 2 Aug 6, 2009
TT Summer 2010?
D-Day 3 April 19, 2011
Separated (in-house) Aug 23, 2014
R???

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: ND
Arden
♀ Member
Member # 44285
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please, please, please do not blame yourself for this. For one, you had no knowledge of the OM's wife's life story or reasons for this. It was so long ago, there is simply no way to connect them. A person capable of doing that surely had other issues. If your WW seems to be passing blame to you I would question her, not your actions. You did the right thing. There is no reason to assume that woman did not already know. We always do.


Me - BGF 30
Him - WBF 31
Together 7 years
Dday 7/21/13 ("Mostly" EA)
Getting TT, but both trying to R

Posts: 68 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United States
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok as long as you just didn't take her word.

What in the world makes a mother do that to her kids? I would almost understand if it was her husband she attacked. Regardless of any circumstances, those children were innocent.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Alonelyagain
♂ Member
Member # 32820
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was this reported in the media where you live "half way across the country"? If not, how did your WW learn about it? Is your WW still in contact with OM?

Posts: 112 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New Jersey
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. That would be blame shifting extraordinaire.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I heard about it and I live more than 1/2way across the country from it. It made the news, it was pretty horrific.still not in any way your fault.

I think your wife should be counting her blessings to be removed from that. Whatever the reasons, that woman became homicidal. Very sad


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6583 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
TheClimb
♀ Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple days ago my WW came home from working her night shift & asked if I'd sent her another letter.

Oh Utterly, I am so sorry to hear this. I live in Maryland and this story has been all over the news. Of course, this has nothing to do with you.

As to your WW, there is something very wrong with her. For five years, she behaves like a horny 17 year old, exchanging blow jobs for acts a simple "thank you" would suffice. How dare she lay this on you! It does not sound like she is remorseful at all. So, while you had absolutely nothing to do with this tragedy, in my opinion your WW did imply that you were somehow responsible. I would toss her trashy, selfish behind to the curb. She does not deserve you.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 461 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe your letters from 3 years ago contributed to this tragic situation. After reading more on this story, it seems there was a lot of drama going on between the OM and his BW. Reminds me of some of the NPD stories we read here actually.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 8:20 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hadn't seen this in the news but a Google search with info he mentioned brought it up.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
niaveone
♀ Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just as the affair is not your fault, neither is this. For goodness sake, you sent those letters three years ago.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 212 | Registered: Aug 2013
10yearsafter
♂ Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry Brother. But you have no blame for any of this.

I read your profile and was mortified at what happened to you.

So I gotta ask is your WW in IC?

Be strong don't take the blame.


Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((utterly broken))))

Responsibility for this in no way shape or form rests with you.

Peace.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your WW seems to be passing blame to you I would question her, not your actions.
If anyone is to blame, it would be your wife and the OM. DO not let her try and blame you for her actions.

Remember, for every action there is a reaction.

And who knows what reactions your wife and the OM caused. And who knows what the hell has gone on in the past three years in that woman's life.

I think one of the hardest questions is whether or not to let the other BS know or not.


Posts: 3959 | Registered: Jun 2002
seenow
♀ Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The blame game. You cannot take responsibility for someone else's actions and someone else cannot blame you for theirs.

(Geez, I should sometimes listen to myself too)


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 292 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the hardest things to fully do post-dday is accept that everybody is only responsible for their own actions and choices. Your ww is responsible for her cheating. The OM is responsible for his cheating. The OM's BS is responsible for her actions.

Your letters, even if sent last week, did not cause this. The woman's actions did. The affair may have caused a psychotic break, deep depression, etc, that may have contributed, but even so - you did not cause the affair.

The only thing that you did was give her the truth so that she could make her own choices - something OM had been depriving of her. You did not make her choices, you did not cause her pain about the affair, and you certainly did not cause her mental breakdown/psychosis/antisocial beahvior, or whatever that caused her to kill her child.


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 525 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not like your WW. How dare she hint that you are to blame for what happened??? What an absurd, juvenile accusation! Blameshift much, WW?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9673 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a heartbreaking situation but I agree with others. This is in NO WAY, shape or form, your fault even minutly. And shame on your WW for even indirectly implying. She should be ashamed of herself and her actions. I wouldn't tolerate her.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2021 | Registered: Sep 2011
Topic Posts: 62
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.